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Bright white light welcomed him as we woke up. He had a crushing headache and the neon above his head and its screeching sound wasn’t helping. It took him several whole minutes to completely open his eyes and when he finally got his eyelids to stay up the reality of his situation came crashing right through him.

Remus Lupin was laying on a hospital bed, machines beeping all around him, a profound detergent smell embedded in his nose.

“Remus?”

Slowly, he turned his head towards the left. James, who seemed to be asleep just an instant earlier, considering his messy hair and crooked glasses, was now standing right next to him, a worried look on his face.

“You feeling alright? The doctors were unsure you would wake up tonight.” He asked, playing nervously with his hands. “They told me to go home but I couldn’t leave you here alone. I know how you hate hospitals…”

Remus had spent two difficult years of his life between his home and a hospital bedroom. His mom died of brain cancer only a few years ago, it wasn’t quick and it wasn’t pretty and Remus was the only one at her side during it all. They had no family left that he knew of and his father never had been in the picture. Hope Howell could only count on her son during those years, like he only could count on her before cancer took her away.

He also got his leg amputated when he was four after being almost killed by a car while he was playing in a street with other kids from his neighbourhood, but he didn’t really remember that time in the hospital. He didn’t remember how it was to have his own two legs either. He often joked that it was like an extended family member who he never got to see and wouldn’t bat an eye if he died.

“´ine” He tried to talk but his throat was fucking soar. James didn’t waste a second and handed him a glass full of water before putting it back immediately on the bedside table when he saw Remus struggle to sit down. “Let me help you”

“ ‘m good” He waved him away and sat by himself, repressing a cry when the entirety of his bones felt like they had been crushed and then put back under his skin.

“Fucking hell” Remus finally breathed out with a raspy voice, grabbing the glass James was handing to him, and gulping all of the water in merely seconds.

James was eying him anxiously as if he could crumble down at any moment and honestly, he wasn’t wrong, Remus was a mess and felt like shit.

He took his time before talking again, trying to gather his thoughts, trying to remember why he was waking up in this room. Nothing came to his mind, the last thing he remembered was the concert in Le pot aux roses, the French café that let them play their silly songs every Friday and where Remus worked the rest of the week. They had been a lot of people and it went well, at least he remembered them doing great. So, what happened?

“Why am I here?” He finally asked.

James’ eyebrows furrowed. He started to chew the inside of his cheek and Remus knew him well enough to know that James was under a lot of stress. He started fidgeting and looked away while answering, “You- You don’t remember?”

Remus shook his head and regretted it immediately, it made the headache worse.

“We were done with the concert and gathering our things” James began slowly “And you and Sirius began to scream at each other, I didn’t quite catch why but you were really angry at him”

Remus had no clue about what they were bickering either. He tried to bring his memories back but his head was pounding like crazy and he gave up quickly, waiting for James to fill in the blank in his mind.

“I know you fight a lot but this was- I actually thought you were gonna throw punches at each other Remus, it was bad.” James kept explaining looking everywhere but into Remus’ eyes. “Sirius was crying and screaming at the same time and you too and I didn’t know what to do and Sirius left saying that he will never speak to you again and you screamed back at him that you were glad because he was, I’m quoting you, a fucking son of a bitch, which was, if I may Remus, not the best insult to use against Sirius.”

As James told the story, Remus would have thought the memories would have come flowing back but no. His brain had decided to stop working apparently.

“Well, I must have been fucking angry to not think of a better choice of insult because I have five different better ones coming into my mind right now and I just woke up in a bloody hospital”

James let a weak laugh escape his lips “Yeah, well I was a bit disappointed in you, not gonna lie”

“If I remembered I’d be disappointed in myself too” Remus joked before bringing his hands to his temples. He felt like someone was trying to crawl out of his brain through his eyes. It was not the best feeling if he was being honest. He fell back on the bed with a loud complaint. “And why did I wake up here then? Did Sirius try to murder me or what?”

“Um, actually… He slammed the door on his way out and you were even madder because his guitar fell and- well you tried to follow him I don’t know, but you fell from the stage and slam your head pretty hard on a speaker that was still on the ground” James began twitching his hands more than ever “I was so scared and Pete was screaming and you were passed out on the floor and I didn’t know what to do”

So the crushing headache had an explanation. James was still very agitated and kept going,

“Thank god Marlene was still in the back, she came to tell us to shut up because she thought it was still you and Sirius arguing then she saw you and immediately called for help. I- I don’t know what would have happened if she…”

“It’s fine James, I’m fine” Remus cut him, seeing his friend spiralling into anxiety.

“But you could not be, because I couldn’t react. The doctors said you have a grade-three brain concussion, and you should sleep right now. Fuck we shouldn’t be talking, you should sleep, Remus you-”

“James.”

“I’m going to head out now that I’ve seen you awake, see what Re- see if I can get myself some coffee” He added quickly “You must sleep Remus, it’s very important!”

The laying boy heard the stuttering in his friend's sentence but choose to ignore it for now and to take his advice. He felt himself drifting away rapidly anyway. James looked at him one last time and began to walk toward the white door.

“Hey James, try drinking something less nerves wrecking maybe. What about soup?” Remus called, his eyes shut.

“Uh, yeah- yes sure, I’m going now. Get some sleep.”

He did not answer, he was already too far gone, sinking in the impersonal hospital sheets. James turned off the light on his way out.

***

James released a shaky breath as he closed Remus’ door. He took his phone out of his pocket, it was three in the morning. He tried to call him regardless of the time, unsuccessfully.

Sirius I need you to answer your fucking phone.

Sirius I swear to god, I don’t care what you and Remus were fighting about tonight but now is not the time to sulk.

The messages were left unread. James sighed, hoping that everything was fine with Sirius. He hadn’t returned any of his calls or texts since he left earlier at the café. At least, Peter told him he heard loud music coming out of his bedroom when he went back to their flat. The only reason he wasn’t answering was because he was an annoying drama queen and decided to ignore his phone.

James was tired of him, tired of the incessant bickering between Remus and Sirius, tired of trying to live on his music. When they formed the band, there were only laughs and dreams and guitar riffs, now they all were adults with shitty jobs trying to survive in London and losing, gig after gig, the flame that got them together in the first place.

“At least, we’re still living together and as long as we’re together there’s hope” James thought.

They used to talk for hours about their future as a famous band and they tried to make it real, they really tried, they even got Marlene to be their part-time manager. And they got the weekly concert at Le pot aux Roses thanks to Remus but it was not enough. And now Remus had a bloody brain concussion, maybe it was time they all moved on…

“James, you’re alright?”

He didn’t notice it but he was sitting on the floor, head hanging between his legs, defeated. He nodded before standing up again and turning in front of the person who talked.

“Is he fine?” The black-haired man asked, designing Remus’ room with his chin as he was holding two steamy cups in his hands. “There, I got us some coffee.”

James grabbed the cup eagerly. He knew he told Remus he wouldn’t have coffee but he was addicted. It was his fault really, he made amazing lattes and gave him free refills every time he stopped by the café, which was every single day.

“Thanks, Regulus” He drank a large gulp ‘He woke up a minute ago and doesn’t remember anything before his fall but doctors said- well you were there, you know what they said”

“Memory loss, headache, and vomiting. He was lucky it’s not that bad even if he lost consciousness. He should be able to go home sooner rather than later” Regulus recited like a well-learned lesson.

“Yeah.” James said miserably.

“He’s going to be fine, I’m sure”

When the ambulance took Remus to the hospital it was Marlene that rode with him. James had been useless, just standing in the way of the emergency workers. Peter had to forcibly sit him down on a chair because he was freaking out. A useless friend in a failing band, that’s what he was.

When he finally came to his senses he had called Marlene to ask her in which hospital they were and then found himself dumbstruck as he realised he had no means of transportation to join them. Sirius left with the van they were renting for their materials, and it would take him hours to go there with public transportation considering what time of the night it was. He tried to call Sirius again and again but the man wouldn’t answer, resulting in his anxiety increasing considerably, worried for Sirius as well as for Remus now.

“What about Regulus?” Peter had suggested.

Regulus.

They knew each other from boarding school, it’s where he had met Sirius too. The two brothers always had a complicated relationship and it became even worse when Sirius was kicked out and ended up at James's parents. Their family was, a bit much, to say it politely, Sirius would probably have described them as “a fucking incestuous horde of psychopathic motherfucker”, he used these terms several times before in no particular order.

So when Regulus came to Uni in London, Sirius did everything he could to patch things up with him. They went out for tea first, then took long walks in parks, they talked about their life without each other mostly and Sirius had been a mess considerable times after their talks, but things were starting to look better. Regulus even came to one of their gigs once with some friends he lived with and they all went out for drinks afterward.

Regulus was very much still under his parents' thumbs and Sirius knew it was a sensitive topic to discuss but tried nonetheless to get him to leave them. When he did that, all the progress they made together was crushed as Regulus shut down instantly and refused to talk to Sirius for few weeks every single time.

Now was a time like this, so the chances for Regulus answering James were even thinner than usual. He tried to call him anyway.

.

.

“Hello?”

.

.

“Regulus?”

“What is going on James, is Sirius alright?”

The tone of his voice was tense. Of course, he would think something happened to his brother, why else would James be calling?

“Um, yes he’s fine- I think he’s fine”

“Is he with you?”

“No, I-”

“Listen, if it’s a stupid plan to get me back to talk to Sirius, don’t bother. I already sent him a dumb text yesterday anyway…”

“…”

“James?”

“You did?”

Sirius didn’t tell him that. But again they had been busy and Sirius was Sirius.

“James, what is going on?”

Right. Remus, unconscious. At the hospital.

“Do you have your car?”

“Uh, yes I do, why?”

James took a deep breath. “Please I need you to drive me to Whipps cross hospital, please.”

He heard ruffling on the other side of the phone, some keys jingling and a door slamming. “James, where are you? What happened?”

James proceeded to relate the events of the evening, while Regulus put him on speaker and drove towards the café.

“Sirius’ still not answering?”

“Peter went back to the flat to check on him, I- we don’t live far so he should give me news soon”

“Good”

The silence went on for a little while. James was now pacing nervously in front of the door, turning his head at every car driving down the street. Finally, a grey Volkswagen flashed its lights at him. He ran, really ran to the car, and threw himself on the passenger seat.

“Hi”

“Hi” Regulus answered, already driving away from the café, the map app on his phone showing him directions. James found himself obsessed.

Thirty-eight minutes.

Thirty-seven minutes.

Red light.

Thirty-seven minutes.

Stop sign.

Left turn.

Thirty-five minutes.

Right turn.

Red light.

Thirty-four minutes.

A text.

Sirius is home. Won’t open his door though.

Good. One less thing to worry about.

Thirty-three minutes.

Left turn.

“Was it Peter? Is Sirius fine?”

“What?”

James ripped out his eyes from the screen and blinked slowly towards Regulus.

“The text you just read, was it Peter?” He repeated patiently.

“Ah yes. Yes, Sirius is home and he’s fine. He won’t talk to Pete but he’s fine.”

“Good”

“Good”

His eyes fell back on the screen displaying the map.

Twenty-nine minutes. Gosh, why was the time so slow?

Left turn.

Stop sign.

Twenty-eight minutes.

Twenty-eight minutes.

Twenty-eight minutes.

Twenty-eight minu-

“James?”

“Yeah?”

For the second time, it took him an immense effort to snatch his eyes off the screen.

“Maybe you could choose a song?” Regulus suggested gently, gesturing towards the CD player. “I think I have a stack of CDs on the backseat, they were mostly chosen by Pandora and Dorcas but I’m sure you will find something you like, yeah?”

James looked down at his bloody nails. He had the bad habit of ripping the flesh off his fingers when he was stressed out, which was very often these days.

“Um, yeah sure”

He grabbed the CDs and started to go through them, still feeling a bit off. There was some good stuff, Lana del Rey, a compilation named “song that makes me want to cry”, the red hot chilli peppers, a very old disk of one direction, and the discography of Mamma Mia.

“What about this one?” James asked, showing a grey Cd without name, with flowers and hearts drawn in sharpies all around it.

“Whatever you want, I think this one’s Dorcas.” Regulus shrugged. “It’s an old car, it doesn’t have Bluetooth, sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, I like CDs, it makes me think of the car ride I use to take with my parents to go back to Hogwarts”

Hogwarts was the boarding school they’d been to from eleven to eighteen years old. He set the player on and Taylor Swift began to blast at full volume through the car. Regulus made a face.

“Ah yeah sorry, she had a phase three months ago”

“I love Taylor Swift!”

James was beaming, no longer peeling off his fingers’ skin. Instead, he was tapping his foot in rhythm and humming to Getaway car.

“I wouldn’t have thought you liked that kind of song”

“You’re kidding! She’s a genius.”

Three songs later they arrived at the hospital. Marlene met them at the front door and showed James the way to Remus' bedroom. He went up quickly, leaving Regulus with Marlene outside.

“So… Do you need a ride back?” James had heard Regulus ask Marlene as the doors of the lift were closing on him.

And now Regulus was back here, two steaming cups of coffee with him checking on James and Remus.

“You don’t have to stay, you know? Peter can pick me up tomorrow, or Sirius if he comes back to his senses.” James began,

“I don’t mind waiting”

Regulus was looking straight into his pupils, never breaking eye contact. His hair, usually very well combed, was falling onto his shoulders. He was wearing a simple green t-shirt and a Jean which was also highly unusual of him. James had never seen him wear anything but pleated trousers and shirt.

He was studying international business and marketing or something like that, James did not recall the exact name of his degree, but remembered Sirius complaining about how Regulus was a stuck-up who never wore jeans.

“You’re wearing jeans.” James blurted out, desperately trying to think of something to talk about. Jeans weren’t the best subject of conversation but he was still shaken by what happened tonight.

“Uh” Regulus furrowed his brows “Is this a statement or a question?”

“I have never seen you in jeans,” James added.

“ …”

“I mean you’re always so well dressed, I just assumed you didn’t own any”

“You just assumed? I- I mean- This one’s not mine but I do have jeans, a lot of them actually.” Regulus answered with an uncertain tone. “I really do have lots of jeans,” he added seeing James raise his eyebrows.

“Wow, No need to be so sensitive about jeans, I believe you.” James grinned then marked a pause before continuing, “What do you mean this one’s not yours?”

Regulus ignored his question and began to walk away, “How about we find a place to sit, yeah? This is probably going to be a long night.”

***

Sirius Black didn’t know a lot of things, but he did know for sure that Remus Lupin was infuriating.

He met him around the same time he met James and Peter, at school, and from the start, he had found him aggravating. Maybe it was the reason why they were such good friends. They’d bickered a lot, over nothing and everything but they always made up after, mostly because James and Peter would ignore them until they did so.

This time it was different.

Firstly, Sirius knew Remus would never ever forgive him for what he did.

Secondly, Sirius would never ever forgive Remus for what he told him this evening.

He was mad. So mad at Remus that he drove in the minivan leaving everything and everyone behind. He will have to go back. Eventually.

But right now all he wanted to do was scream at the top of his lungs on The Offsprings, fuck the neighbour.

“CHANCES THROWN NOTHING’S FREE LONGING FOOOOOR USED TO BEEE-“

“Sirius you there?”

“STILL IT’S HAAAARD HARD TO SEEE FRAGILE LIIIIFE SHATTERED DREAAAAAMS”

He heard Peter call for him but did not answer. What for? He probably heard him sing anyway, and the other boy seemed to take the hint because he did not try to investigate further.

Sirius raised the volume on his speaker and proceeded to throw his smelly clothes away from him before crumbling down on his bed. It was at this moment that he realised he had forgotten his phone at Le pot aux roses.

“Shit, Reggie.”

His brother had sent him a text earlier and he told himself he would respond after the concert. Well, he definitely will have to go back now. In the morning though. Right now he was still too angry to go back to that place.

He waited a bit, lying on his bed, waiting to hear the front door open just to be sure that James and Remus were home. Not that he cared about Remus, he could be dead in a black alley, and it wouldn’t matter. He deserved it, fucking stupid git.

Eventually, tired of waiting, he fell asleep, the music still blasting very loudly in his bedroom.

Knock knock.

“What?” Sirius mumbled under his sheets, still half asleep.

“We need to retrieve the instruments before the café opens. So please, stop pouting and come drive the fucking car!”

Sirius didn’t answer and hid under the cover, acting like a teenager that didn’t want to go to school.

“Sirius, I swear if you’re not ready in five minutes, I am going to make you confront the neighbour. I’m not joking, I will get Mrs. Dawson and she will be right where I’m standing and I know you’re scared of her.”

Fucking hell. He knew Peter wasn’t messing around, he had the very same Mrs. Dawson barge into his room one day and throw away all of the stuff he had on the floor (which was a lot, he was not a tidy person) just because he refused to clean the dishes once.

“I’m coming,” He said, before adding, just to be sure “Don’t call Mrs. Dawson”

It took him more than five minutes to get ready but eventually, he grabbed his jacket, tied his docs, and called “Peter! I’m ready, let’s go, I’ve been waiting forever for you!”

“Yeah sure Sirius, whatever you say,” Peter answered, rolling his eyes.

They were alone in the flat but Sirius wasn’t worried, it was already 9:30 in the morning. Remus must already have left for the café because he had to walk there. Not that Sirius cared.

James had Uni this morning so he probably left around eight even though his courses didn’t start before ten, he liked to be early.

“I hope Remus’s fine.” Peter started.

“I don’t want to talk about him”

“Still? What happened last night anyway?”

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it!” He shouted, feeling the anger rise again.

“Jeez, fine. But you will have to eventually.” Peter marked a pause “Aren’t you-“

“Pete.”

“Sirius.”

He pursed his lips, with no desire to keep this conversation going. Instead, he opened the door on the driver's side and proceeded to start the car.

He was going to see Remus soon enough regardless of the fact that he didn’t want to. The bloke was working at Le pot aux roses, and in ten minutes, he will have to confront him.

The thing was that Remus had all the right to be mad at Sirius, not that he cared, he was mad at him too after all.

“Fucking hell Sirius! You’re kidding right?”

Remus and Sirius were on stage, gathering electrical extension cords and Sirius had felt it was a good time to share the news with Remus. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

“We need the money! Don’t act like you’d better than me Remus, I know what you do online.”

Remus's cheeks became bright red.

“What I do is my business” he retorted, a dangerous anger rising in his voice, “However what you do with OUR songs is the band's business!”

“They needed help, I just gave them some indications to write better songs”

“You fucking sold them an entire text! What the hell were you thinking!”

Remus was madly angry now and he did not know the worst part yet, Sirius thought biting his nails nervously.

“It wasn’t even a good song, come on you know it.”

“But it could have been!”

“I know” Sirius stayed silent for a few seconds, Remus was still breathing angrily, he lowered his head, looking thoroughly at his shoes “and the label they signed with knew too”

“WHAT?”

“And they’ve asked me to write for them”

“WHAT?“

Sirius was sure Remus was going to hit him now. Surprisingly, he didn’t, instead, he chose to use his words,

“You know what? Maybe that’s for the better, you can fucking fail another band than ours.”

“Fail? Remus that’s not-“

“I’ve never told you but you’re terrible at this. I don’t even know how you became our lead singer, you fucking suck”

He delivered these lines with a heartless voice that broke Sirius' heart. He didn’t expect full support from Remus but at least some understanding. All he had found was hatred and it made him sad. And furious.

“Yeah? Well, maybe you’re just jealous because it wasn’t a song you wrote!”

“What are you even trying to say? You’re a fucking traitor and that is all there is to know!”

“At least I don’t have to sell pictures of me to pay rent”

“You fucking bitch, go fuck yourself”

Sirius knew he went too far. But heck, Remus had been fucking mean too. And if he thought that he was useless in the band… “You know what? Fine. I haven’t given my answer yet because I wanted to talk about it with you all but now that I’m aware of what you think of me, it will be easier.” Tears began to roll down his cheeks. He was shaking and his voice cracked a little.

“Good for us then. I hope I never see your stupid face again!” Remus delivered, half screaming, half sobbing.

“Good, I won’t ever talk to you again if that’s what you want!” He cried back, storming towards the door of the café.

“I’m glad you fucking son of a bitch!”

End of scene.

Sirius was outside, running to the car, ugly crying. Fucking son a bitch he had called him. What a moron, as if calling his mom a bitch would get to him.

She was a bitch.

And so was Remus Lupin.

“Sirius, are you listening?”

They were parked right outside the café and Sirius was trying to catch sight of Remus through the windows, “uh, what?”

“Doesn’t matter” Peter waved him off, “we need to get the stuff back before they open, in exactly ten minutes so get your ass out of the car, come on” He walked out of the car, and waited for his friend to join him. “Sirius, let’s go!”

Eventually, Sirius, unable to spot Remus inside, had to move out of his seat. Slowly, he made his way to the entrance, Peter was already inside, vividly chatting with Lily, Remus’ colleague. She looked horrified by whatever he was narrating, hands hiding her mouth, shoulders slightly shaking. “Terrorising the ladies Pete?” Sirius joked while pushing the door.

Neither of them answered. Instead, Lily cast him a cold icy look and left without a word to the kitchen.

“What’s her problem?”

Peter raised his eyebrows in disbelief, “Mate…”

“What?”

A buzzing sound snatched his attention away. His forgotten phone was on a table, alongside his guitar and James’ coat.

Did he walk back home in his shirt? It was freezing out. “James forgot his jacket?”

“I don’t think the cold was the priority for him”

“What do you mean?” Sirius asked, unlocking his phone. At the sight of his screen, the blood drained from his face. “Peter?” His heart was pounding so hard in his chest that he couldn’t hear anything but the loud thump in his head.

Ten missed calls from James.

Two missed calls from Regulus.

Three missed calls from Marlene.

His hands were shaking. He clicked on James’ messages.

11:28 Get your ass back here, Remus fell!!!!

11:29 I need the car Sirius

11:29 SIRIUS

11:47 Sirius I need you to answer RN

11:50 Answer your FUCKING PHONE

11:56 I arrived at the hospital

2:32 Sirius I need you to answer your fucking phone.

2:43 Sirius I swear to god, I don’t care what you and Remus were fighting about tonight but now is not the time to sulk.

2:54 Staying the night, I’ll call you in the morning.

8:25 Seriously?

8:27 If you ever cared Remus is out of danger.

Cold sweat gradually wetted his back. He kept going through his texts,

Saturday

9:35 I’m done for coffee tmw. I don’t want to fight anymore Sirius.

Monday

2:56 James tried to call you several times, he’s losing his shit ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

8:15 Forget the coffee, I don’t have time for a sulking prick.

Fuck.

A million questions were building up in his mind. How did Remus fell? Was it that bad for him to be driven to the hospital? What was Regulus doing with James? Was Remus alright? Why did he forget his stupid phone? Why didn’t Peter say anything?

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” He yelled, brandishing his phone on the explicative message Marlene had sent him right before cursing him and his descendants on six generations.

“I thought you knew!” Peter shouted back, raising his arms in desperation.

“And you thought I am such a pitiful man that I choose to keep ignoring Remus even though he NEARLY DIED?” He was completely out of his mind. To think that his own friends could believe that of him?

“How was I supposed to know? You always overreact!”

Sirius scuffed in disbelief. “He’s at the fucking hospital!”

“I know Sirius, I was there!”

But Sirius was already back on his phone, dialling James' number in haste.

Fuck

Fuck

Fuck

Why did he have to mess up everything every time?

Maybe Remus was right, he failed the band and now he was failing his friends. He was useless.

.

.

.

“…”

“James?”