Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Morning sunlight had scarcely tinted the sky when King Dedede jolted out of sleep, gasping for air as he sat upright in bed. His racing heart pounded frantically against his chest and his vision was blurred, the dimmed colors of his bedroom watery and distorted. The fog of his dreams dispersed like vapor, and what remained left him feeling unsettled, displaced.

Dedede blinked the clouds out of his eyes. It must have been a bad dream, although it was strange that he couldn’t seem to recall it… He gave a yawn, stretching lazily.

Maybe he ought to go check on the Fountain. Though he knew that its magic couldn’t keep the worst nightmares away, it would put him at ease to see its waters shimmering.

The shadows of his room took unfamiliar shapes in the gloom of dawn, warped shades clinging like twining ivy to the walls. King Dedede yawned and rubbed his eyes again, seriously debating on whether or not he should go back to sleep. He sat slumped on his bed for a few more moments, before he sighed, drew back the covers and hopped out, switching on his lamp as he went.

Yawning again, he wandered into his closet and flicked on the light, trying to remember what was on his agenda today. He recalled that some school children were hosting a bake sale later in the week (the young ones, meaning the bakers in question were their mothers and their lovely desserts), although the specific time escaped him. He could ask Bandana about it when he saw him, because for now he had to get dressed. Or, er, try to.

Dedede frowned, eyes widening with bafflement as he took in the state of his wardrobe.

Where… Where were all of his clothes? Dedede sifted past identical coat after identical coat, jaw lax with disbelief. His costumes, his kimonos, his obi, even that horribly tacky Bronto Burt shirt Meta had given him last April, all of it was missing…

Could it be that they were getting washed? He frowned. No, that was silly. He’d worn formal wear once in the past week, and that alone was definitely not enough to constitute dry cleaning his whole wardrobe. He reached forward and began to rifle through the racks of clothes.

Sashes, sweatbands, mittens- Were those socks? Why would he have those? He doesn’t even wear shoes! And the material was so cheap too…

Just when things couldn’t get any weirder, he pulled out a sequined blue tux, and grimaced at the horrendous thing.

When did he get this? The color was awful, and it was covered in stains! He inspected it closer. The bow tie was sewn into the collar and the flower tucked into the chest pocket was fake. It looked like a Halloween costume.

What the...

Something was going on here. A practical joke? Did someone break into his room? No, he didn’t think that was it. Unless it was Magolor or Marx, Dedede would’ve woken up. Did he accidentally spend the night in his old room? Maybe, but that wouldn’t explain the travesty that was this closet. His stomach flopped, and confusion weighed heavy in his gut.

What is going on?

Dedede tossed the suit jacket to the floor and yanked off his nightshirt and cap. No tank-top, no kimono, no obi, oh Nova, what was he going to wear? He was missing everything! Sighing frustratedly, he grabbed one of the sweatbands folded beneath the racks and a red coat and tugged them on. They were loose on him without his usual extra layers, but this would have to do while he figured things out.

Now then, where was his crown? Dedede rifled through the various drawers, snooped through all of the cubbyholes and found nothing he recalled ever owning. Seriously, when did he ever buy a bacon-themed baseball cap?

(He definitely had a clown hat that was identical to the one in the next box over, but for some reason that disturbed him more than it would have if it hadn’t been there at all.)

The king threw up his hands and left the wardrobe, marching to the window to throw open the thick red curtains. He squinted as the dawn tried to blind him, and as he lifted up the sash, he became acutely aware of the breeze against his feathered head. The sun had begun to crest the horizon, pouring golden light into the gloom and chasing the shadows from the room. Shapes that were once unrecognizable in the dark were now discernible, and really, at this point, Dedede shouldn’t have been surprised by what he saw.

He gave a low whistle at the state of the room.

First of all, it was a mess. Candy wrappers, chinese takeout boxes, ramen cups and the like littered the room. A massive TV dominated the far wall in front of a duo of beanbags. A gaming console that looked like an NES rip-off sat on top of the TV stand, with two controllers laying haphazardly on the floor in front of them. Shoved into the corner of the room was an old rocking horse, similar to one that he faintly recalled from his childhood. Beside it was a large multicolored beach ball and an overflowing toy chest.

He must be in the bedroom of a big, spoiled child, because there was no way in Halcandra that this was his room.

Right?

Dear Nova, please tell me I wasn’t sent back in time.

There wasn’t much that he remembered of his childhood, other than being given whatever he wanted so he’d leave his parents alone. So this? This was ultra, mega, turbo speed right down Traumatic Memory Lane and he was not diggin’ it.

King Dedede became dimly aware that he was breathing a little too fast, and quickly leaned against the window sill to support himself. His head was starting to throb, a mix of panic and dread as he turned over the idea in his mind. He forced himself to take deep breaths and count Brontos.

He turned up his chin and took a deep whiff of the morning ocean air. He was fine. He could manage this. After about 23 Brontos, Dedede opened his eyes and gazed out into the land. It looked… smaller. Wilder. The sight of the rural town in the distance made his shoulders droop and his chest squeeze tight. He really must have been sent back in time. It had been ages since the cities in Dreamland were ever this small, nor his castle so close to the sea. Nova, he barely recognized the whole place.

He turned his gaze to the castle courtyard, noting the sparse and simple landscaping, the waddle dee guards changing shifts, and nesting birds twittering on the parapets. Dedede eventually found his turque, and felt a bit dumb for not checking his nightstand a bit sooner. Although, now that he held it in his hands, he may as well just call it a hat, seeing as it was made of cloth and plastic rather than gold.

Even his poor crown was replaced with a childish recreation. Though, the big question was why everything still managed to be more-or-less his size… Time travel definitely didn’t work like that.

But until more tells revealed themselves, Dedede wasn’t going to make any assumptions. It was time to do it like Kirby and suck it up. He tugged the hat (he refused to call this thing a crown) on his head and returned to staring broodingly out the window, not really seeing the beautiful landscape before him.

Too many thoughts and questions were running rampant throughout his mind right now. There were a few that burned brighter than the rest, emblazoned in his mind like an addiction.

Am I alone here?

How can I go back?

Will they even notice that I’m gone?

—

The sun rose steadily from behind Dreamland’s grassy rolling hills, sending a cascade of light billowing across the patchwork landscape of crops and flowers. For the longest time, he leaned with his head in his arms, enjoying the breeze. It was warm, a bit muggier than he was used to. He last remembered waking up to the middle of Autumn just yesterday, but it seems time had shifted to somewhere around early Summer.

Glancing away, he wondered what time period he must have been transported to. It must not have been too far back, seeing as everything he had here fit, and that he woke up in an actual bedroom instead of the nursery he spent his formative years. Considering his possession of the crown (however cheap it was), it was safe to assume that his parents were already out of the picture.

Oof, that was a sad thought...

Dedede sighed, taking in the scenery once more. That pervading feeling of wrongness still hadn’t left him, sticky and heavy in his throat, his feathers shuddering with false chills and gooseflesh. Rubbing his arms, he sighed again.

Knock, knock, knock.

Well, chills be damned, that nearly gave him a heart attack.

“Your Majesty~! Wakey wakey! Breakfast is ready!” The unfamiliar voice was nasally and cheerful, and Dedede had to smoothen down the feathers that fluffed up from surprise. At his startled silence, the knocking came again, whiny this time. “Siiire, are you awake?”

Ugh. That must be either a butler or personal assistant to the king in this world. He recalled occasionally asking Bandana Dee to arrange a wake-up call for early morning meetings every now and again. Dedede took a slow breath and cleared his throat.

“Who is it?” A pause. Shit, that was definitely the wrong question to lead with, he should know these people after all. Idiot!

“Er… it’s me, Escargoon?” The voice answered, sounding a bit confused.

You and me both pal. Dedede wracked his memories for anyone by that name. It sounded only the faintest bit familiar, but not enough to conjure anything more than an inkling.

“Oh yeah! Come in!”

The door clicked open behind Dedede, and the king turned to see a purple snail with dull green facial hair and a deep green shell roll in a trolley laden heavily with food. The scent of bacon and pancakes filled the air, the greasy taste nearly tangible with a single whiff. Dedede’s stomach gave a curious gurgle, but he was too busy staring at the odd creature to pay it close attention.

At his studious look, the snail gave him an uneasy, and very worried, smile.

“Y-you… didn’t forget me again, did you, Sire?” The snail — Escargoon — looked very panicked when he didn’t answer right away and kept staring. Or, well, at all. Dedede didn’t want to lie to the stranger, but telling the truth seemed like almost the worst option, considering the poor guy looked ready to book it out of his shell. Instead, he ignored the question.

“Ooh, what’s for brekkie?” The king exclaimed brightly, clasping his mitts together, “Smells scrump-tee-umptious!” The snail blinked, then half-smiled.

“W-well, it’s pancakes, eggs, and bacon, Sire. Just like every other day.”

The idea made him pause. Gross!

“Well, it smells divine! Set it up on the balcony, would you please?” Dedede gave a hearty laugh as he waved his mittens at the snail. The snail hesitated for a split second, but when Dedede kept waving at him, he hurried to do as he was told.

The king’s eyes narrowed as the snail bustled past him and started arranging his breakfast on the tea table on the balcony. He knows for certain that he hasn’t seen that snail before. Probably. At most, maybe in passing, but nothing that jogged his current memory.

“Say, Escargoon? What’s the date today?”

“It’s the 26th, Sire. Of January.”

It’s not, according to what he remembered. And the weather, the ground was usually covered in snow by now, but it was as hot and humid as the Rainbow Resort, so that could mean…

“And the year?” Escargoon turned slightly, a confused look on his face. Dedede quickly schooled his expression to innocent curiosity.

“It’s erm…” the snail turned back to the table, “...it’s 5XXX, Sire.”

Inwardly, Dedede grimaced.

It was the same year.

Time travel was off the table then. He was in another world altogether, a whole new alternate dimension/reality/whatever, and, currently, was all on his lonesome. That would be well and fine if he had even an inkling on how he got here. Just his luck that he would happen to sleep through the whole boot-scoot-and-boogie, and end up with no leads. He only hoped his friends would figure out what happened like he had, and would take care of Dreamland while he was gone. The very thought of his kingdom in disarray was giving him a horrible headache.

He wondered if some of them had gotten swapped here with him. He’d have to rule that out as soon as-

“-okay?” Dedede blinked out of his thoughts, suddenly realizing that Escargoon had been speaking to him.

“Eh, sorry, what was that?” He asked, blinking innocently. Escargoon looked perplexed.

“I asked if you were okay…” The snail’s sharp green eyes looked him up and down, “Are you okay, Sire?”

The suspicion in Escargoon’s nasally voice made the king’s stomach roil uncomfortably and he forced down a swallow. He needed to get out of this world, and fast. Problem was, he had no idea where to start. He was no genius like Meta Knight and Susie, wasn’t a superpowered freak like Kirby and Magolor, by all means he was just a regular guy. An amazing, wonderful, incredible guy, sure, but just a guy nonetheless. How in the name of Nova was he supposed to get back?

“Just dandy!” Dedede lied with a grin as he hurriedly sat in the balcony chair. While he loaded his plate with food and set a napkin in his lap, he peered at Escargoon out of the corner of his eye. The purple snail flinched when their eyes met and looked away. Odd. Cutting his food in evenly-sized chunks, Dedede piped up again, “So, what’s on the agenda today?”

If he was going to be stuck here for Nova knows how long, he should keep the truth of his identity underwraps until he got all the information he could. That would mean he would have to take his doppelgänger’s place, and hope no one would find out. Dedede sighed quietly to himself, glancing at the suddenly silent snail.

Escargoon seemed enraptured with watching him eat, which was a creepy thought in itself without the snail’s awestruck expression added. Dedede had a feeling he was already well on his way to being found out, especially if everyone acted as suspicious of him as the purple servant. He was no actor, and pretending otherwise would be a useless effort. Might as well reap the benefits of being a doppelgänger until he was revealed a fraud. After repeating his question, louder this time, Escargoon snapped back to reality.

“Er… well, sorry Your Majesty… I was just surprised to see ya usin’ your napkin is all! Hehe…”

“Really…”

The snail looked at a loss for words, clearly struggling to grasp the situation as he politely chuckled off his nerves. It would probably be good if he avoided the Other Dedede’s right hand man as much as possible, at least without being suspicious. Only… it was starting to look like the two of them spent every waking moment attached at the hip. King Dedede had already made a handful of other tentative assumptions about this place and its people, though it wasn’t like it was hard. He barely knew a thing about the king he was replacing, although it was clear their dispositions were wildly different.

He could still recall the depressing early years of his rule and the cruel, yet thankfully lazy, tyrant he’d become in the wake of his parents’ death. It was astonishing the Dees even stuck with him during that time, but he wasn’t complaining now. He only hoped the situation here was at least similar. Judging by the small, orange guards marching on the walls, he would bet that it was. Dedede gently dabbed at his beak with a napkin and cleared his throat to get the snail’s attention again.

“How about this; what do I usually do every day?” The king offered with a placating smile. A myriad of emotions have been running across Escargoon’s malleable and expressive face since Dedede first greeted him, but the one most distinguishable right now was confusion.

“You… do whatever you want?” Perfect. With a harrumph, Dedede pushed his mostly empty plate away for the maids to clean and moved from the table. Heaving a satisfied sigh, he fixed Escargoon with a bright smile.

“Well! Let’s take a walk, yeah?” The king suggested cheerily, already marching off towards his bedroom doors. Idly, Dedede wondered what the other Dedede was like. The one that actually owned this castle, who knew this kindly purple snail, and how he was doing living in his Dreamland. Judging by his room, and the reaction of his attendant, King Dedede could assume that the Other Dedede either had a preference for childish things, or was generally immature. He winced at the thought, mumbled to Escargoon to inform the nearest waddle dee to clean up his disaster of a bedroom, and prayed to Nova that he could find a way to right this mishap soon.

If there was a single brick out of place when he got home…

When he turned again to look back into his room, Dedede found Escargoon staring after him. “Aren’t ya coming?” The penguin asked, an eyebrow raised. The purple servant gulped but continued to look apprehensive, until he finally slithered to where Dedede waited, head canted low and eyes thinning with suspicion.

Well, here goes nothing.

The King of Dreamland held back another sigh and closed his bedroom doors behind the two of them.

Chapter Text

Dedede wasn’t sure how this all happened.

One minute, he was waking up to a talking waddle dee (as if that wasn’t weird enough, nosirree), and the next he was backed up against the wall with a very pointy spear in his face.

Which was a really sudden change of heart! The little dee was so pleasant walking in, and sure, Dedede freaked out a bit hearing it talk, but he wasn’t the one that brought out a spear!

“Who are you, really? A Dark Matter clone? An evil doppelgänger!” The waddle dee growled with its squeaky voice, tilting the spear threateningly.

“Hey!” Dedede yelped, arms waving, “th-that ain’t n-no way ta be treatin’ your rulah!” The waddle dee’s eyes thinned into a scowl.

“You,” it said sharply, “are not my ruler. You’re an imposter!” The blade thrust forward and scratched his beak. He squealed. “Now where is my King?”

“I am the King of Dreamland! And you ain’t got no rights-“

“Enough!”

Dedede squeaked in fear, and snapped his beak shut. The waddle dee continued to glare at him, the spear inches from the penguin’s face. After a beat, the waddle dee stepped back a ways, and leveled its weapon at his belly.

“I’ll give you one last chance, so tell me the truth.” The waddle dee adjusted its grip, light flashing off the spear’s polished blade, “Who are you?”

“I already told ya!” Dedede cried, voice cracking, as the waddle dee narrowed its eyes again, “I-I’m King Dedede!”

“What’s my name?”

Dedede blinked and frowned.

“Huh?”

“What. Is. My. Name?” Its voice was tinged with desperation, not that Dedede really cared, considering it was about to stick him with a spear.

“What are you talkin’ about!”

The waddle dee gaped at him with disbelief, hurt flashing across its eyes. Then with a short huff, the shiny point angled up again.

“Alright then,” it sighed, sounding disappointed even as it gestured toward the door with its spear, “I’d start moving if I were you.”

Eyeing the weapon warily, Dedede wisely complied in silence.

—

Now he was sitting in a jail cell on the hard stone floor as a waddle dee and a little girl in a green sweater argued with each other in some weird gibberish. Another girl with pink hair and fairy wings fluttered behind her, staring at him curiously.

Dedede made a face at her. She looked frightened in return and hid behind her friend.

Well… good. He huffed.

He’d already attempted to escape, booking it down the hallway as soon as he was out of that weird room he’d woken up in. He didn’t make it far before knocking into a set of patrolling guards, and getting trapped between them and Crazy. So now he was stuck in a cell. It was… cold.

“Hey! Let me outta here!” The penguin began to yell, waving his arms angrily. The first girl gave him an uncomfortable look, but the waddle dee didn’t even spare him a glance. Blood boiled beneath his feathers, and Dedede leapt to his feet to bang on the bars, crying, “I said, ‘Lemme out-!’”

The spear tip glinted in the dark of the cell where it dangled before his throat. The flash of it had him choking back his words as fear came to replace his previous bravado. Sharp!

“Bandana-san,“ the girl began, a hand raised to placate the mouthless creature. She began to speak more of that squiggly language, drawing the crazy dee’s attention (and spear) away. Dedede sagged with relief, and turned away to ignore them with a growl as he rubbed at his beak. He’d banged it up during his escape attempt, on top of the pathetic threat the crazy waddle dee had poked him with when he had woken up. The scratch didn’t hurt, but it annoyed him that it was there.

And it… scared him, knowing that his captors weren’t afraid to hurt him.

—

This was the worst kind of torture. There was no demon beast more cruel than that darn waddle dee, and its stupid hat, and its stupid spear. King Dedede’s stomach growled again, and he groaned, flopping onto his back. The other three didn’t even notice, and they had been talking there for what felt like hours, which was so dumb because he was starving to death over here.

“I’m hungry!” He announced loudly.

The girls glanced over, looking at him with enough pity it made him bristle and want to shout, if Crazy didn’t look at him too, eyes narrowed in a glare.

Dedede huffed and crossed his arms, glaring right back at the little twerp. He wasn’t scared!

Neither was the waddle dee it seemed, though it sighed when the tall girl started gibbering at it again. After a bit, it responded in kind, then called down the hallway to someone else.

Dedede shuffled closer and tried to peer around the bars to get a better look, but it was only another waddle dee. Not a single one of these Dees seemed to listen to him, following Crazy instead. Bummer. He groaned.

“Ya li’l twerps should be all lis’nin’ ta me! ‘Steada bossin’ me ‘round ‘n throwin’ me in here!” Dedede banged on the iron bars of his cell for effect, “I’m the king! My word is law!”

The waddle dee only looked annoyed, and the girls looked scared. With another sigh, the waddle dee put its spear on its back and stepped closer.

“You’re sure your name is Dedede?” Finally, none of that squiggly talk. It was starting to make his brain hurt even more than usual.

“That’s KING Dedede ta you, squirt!”

“You’re sure that’s who you are?” Dedede growled and gripped the bars tighter.

“Ya callin’ me a liar?”

“I’m just making sure…” Crazy scratched its head through its hat, before tacking on, “Er, sir.”

“Makin’ sure o’ what? I’m the one and only King of Dreamland!” He stamped his flipper to emphasize the point, gnashing his teeth in a growl at the little brat. The waddle dee looked unimpressed and sighed yet again.

That was getting annoying too. What was its deal?

“Then,” the waddle dee began, reaching back to adjust its bandana, “I apologize for the rough treatment.”

“‘Bout time-“

“However!” Dedede bristled at being cut-off, but the waddle dee continued, expression stern yet again, “That doesn’t mean you aren’t an intruder. You’ll be led to one of the guest rooms after you eat.” He perked up at the idea of food, but quashed his excitement to glare at the waddle dee.

“I ain’t no intruda! Yer the one doin’ the intrudin’!” The waddle dee closed its eyes, frowning.

“You will have guards stationed with you at all times, and a guide will be made available if you wish to explore. Don’t bother trying to escape, you won’t get far. Otherwise, you’re limited to your room. Regular meals will be delivered to you, so don’t worry about starving.”

Dedede didn’t care about half the malarkey the guy was spewing, but his growling stomach made him agree anyway.

“Good, good…” the waddle dee nodded, more to itself than anything else, then turned back and talked in more squiggles to the two girls still standing behind it.

Meanwhile, Dedede turned and slumped his back against the bars, smirking to himself. Oh, he was gonna raise hell for that little jerk, just as soon as he was out of his cell. He chuckled, rubbing his mittens together deviously.

Behind him, Bandana Dee, Adeleine, and Princess Ribbon exchanged weary looks.

“I just don’t know what happened to him,” he said to the two girls in Dreamlandish. Adeleine hummed.

“I think you did all you could for now. I really don’t believe this is our King Dedede either, you know?” She murmured, sneaking another glance at the penguin in the cell. Although, he certainly looked like the king, there were subtle differences that failed to escape her eye. Adeleine prided herself on being attentive to detail, and this was no exception.

His feathers were just too dark, his figure a bit too tall and round about the middle, his beak a little more yellow. Not to mention he was still in his sleepwear, a pale green nightshirt and a funny little nightcap. King Dedede probably wouldn’t mind if they borrowed a few of his casual clothes to lend to this guy, right?

“I was thinking the same thing,” Bandana Dee replied. He looked frustrated, and Adeleine couldn’t help but reach down and pat him gently.

“Don’t worry, Mister Bandana Dee,” Ribbon piped up softly, “We’ll help as much as we can, right, Ado?”

“That’s right,” Adeleine replied, sending an assuring smile to her waddle dee friend, “We’ll figure this out.” Bandana Dee nodded.

“Okay. You two should get going. Kirby’s usually home by now from the café and you’ll want to be quick if you want to catch him before he warps to Waddle Dee Town.”

The girls nodded and Bandana dutifully walked them to the gate. As he watched them leave, he sighed to himself. He had a few people to contact too. He only hoped Sir Meta Knight would actually answer his phone this time.

Chapter Text

“So what do ya wanna do today?”

They had been walking for a while and the silence between them was so thick, Dedede thought that even Galaxia wouldn’t be able to cut it. This was the first time he had spoken since they left his room, and he was already screwing things up.

He kept telling himself not to worry about it until it came back to bite him, but it was surprisingly difficult to do. Despite his what his reputation implied, Dedede wasn’t a habitual liar. Sure, he dropped a white lie here or there on nosy Dreamland kids, or fibbed to better execute a prank, but that wasn’t really lying. He’d lived long enough to understand that telling the truth was usually the better option, and fully disregarding the idea in the face of someone so nice was making him queasy.

Dedede paused in mid-step, realizing that the snail— no, Escargoon, had stopped some paces back to stare at him yet again. The guy looked seconds from curling into his shell. What did he say?

“What do- What do I wanna do?” Oh, yeah. Welp, he’d already started digging. No sense putting the shovel down now.

“Sure!” Dedede chirped, “We’re always goin’ about doin’ what I wanna do ‘n all, so why don’t we switch it up and do what you wanna do today, li’l buddy?” He put on a winning grin, surreptitiously adjusting his too-loose sash as he crossed his arms. “I needa broaden my horizons every now and again, yeah?”

It seemed he said the right thing, because the snail’s expression eased into something thoughtful.

“Well, I guess this’d be a good opportunity to show you what I’ve been working on, Sire!” He brightened a little more with every word, a devious smile coming across his face, “Why, I’ve brainstormed a ton of new plans to get back at that darn Kirby!”

Kirby? There was a Kirby here? Maybe he’d be able to help me… It was a start, but Dedede would have to find him later. It seems the Other Dedede didn’t like him too much if his right-hand man was invested in beating up the little menace. Ha! Just like the good ol’ days…

So Dedede just chuckled and mashed a fist in his palm.

“Alright! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”

The outburst seemed to put Escargoon at ease, the snail eagerly began slithering away, chortling, “This way, Sire!”

And so they went.

The inner castle walls were an eerie, gross-looking green. Some sort of limestone, if he recalled anything from working with the stonemasons that built his own castles. He recalled the external walls being bright yellow and orange, so that probably meant it was sandstone. Not that strong or easy to maintain, but cheap. As he passed crude carvings of his own image, his idea of the Other Dedede gained another descriptor. Mean, selfish, childish, and now ‘vain’.

The thought was upsetting, but it was all checking out. He was the same way, although he would like to think he had gotten better about it recently.

“Say, Sire?”

“What?”

Without looking back, Escargoon fiddled with his mustache as he spoke, “You didn’t happen to order any… demon beasts, did you?”

Wuh oh. That didn’t sound good. What the heck was a Demon Beast? That was two scary words mashed up together, so obviously it was evil incarnate. Or an anime. Who knew? Not him!

“Nah, not that I know of. Why?” Play it cool. Play it cool.

“‘M just wonderin’. You’ve been really nice today, and there was that one Demon that stopped you from being mad all the time… e-er…” It must be an anxious habit for the snail to be tugging his weird little whiskers like that. And cutting himself off to gauge his reaction was definitely a trauma response. Maybe he should play up the mean streak, if only to keep his cover.

So he puffed himself up.

“Well, I dunno whatcha mean ‘bout that!” He pouted, feeling more like a petulant child than someone that was supposed to be angry, “I’m always nice! I’m the nicest guy in Dreamland!” Again, he watched the tension drain out of Escargoon as he scoffed.

“Yeah, right, I’m surprised you haven’t walloped me yet today!” He seemed to eat his words as soon as he spoke them, flinching away to cower, “Y-you’re not gonna, are ya, Sire?” Dedede screwed up his face in a thoughtful grimace.

“I’m thinkin’ about it…”

“Eep!” The snail slithered a bit faster. Behind him, Dedede chuckled quietly and picked up his pace to catch up.

—

“You made all these yourself?” They’d finally made it to the garage and Dedede took to hovering over invention after invention, taking mental notes of some of the more curious ones he might try to have replicated back home. An automatic pb&j toaster sounded like a dream machine right then and there. Thinking about it had him itching for a snack.

Escargoon beamed with pride, and patted one of his machines. “You got it, Sire! I put my blood, sweat, ‘n tears into each one of these babies!” Dedede chuckled.

“You sure did. Color me impressed, buddy. These are pretty darn cool!”

The compliment seemed to fluster the snail, who grabbed his cheeks and wriggled with joy. The sight made him snicker.

“Aw, Sire, now you’re just sayin’ that!” Escargoon seemed overjoyed at receiving recognition, despite his shyness. Seems like the Other Dedede wasn’t too appreciative of him. That’s too bad. The snail seemed like a handy, talented guy.

“What else ya got here?” Escargoon was all too happy to show him a series of blueprints for some sort of highly maneuverable tank.

“I know you like your limo and all, Sire, but I really think we should bring back the TripleDCruiser. At least, for when we get after Kirby and all.” Dedede raised a brow, and Escargoon anxiously rubbed his cheek as he quickly continued, “It’s just a lot to fix after he bangs up the darn thing is all-” The snail went on to ramble about parts and pieces, how each vehicle operated, and why one was better than the other. It sounded like a very well put together speech, though mostly like something the snail had been dying to talk about for a while. So Dedede hummed and hawed at the appropriate times for the better part of an hour until the snail started talking about funding for repairs. He fell quiet then as he listened, relaxed and intent.

“Your limo looks nice and all but its gas mileage is terrible compared to the Cruiser, even though it’s lighter! I’d tinker around with the engine if it wasn’t in the contract that I couldn’t, which really is such a bummer because that thing is just a gas guzzler. Besides, the tank’s much more efficient, sturdy, and cost effective, wouldn’t ya say, Sire?“ Escargoon looked at the king with big, bright eyes, the very picture of liveliness and excitement. In a flash, it disappeared, as if the snail was suddenly remembering himself and his audience, and he shrank demurely into his shell. It happened so quickly that Dedede only managed to blink at him, before he shrugged.

“Sounds like you putta lotta thought in ta this,” the king said carefully, to fill the silence. It would have been smart of him to act meaner, but he couldn’t find it in himself right then. The little guy had poured out his heart for something that was clearly for his king’s benefit. He knew better than most how a sharp word could snuff out even the brightest of lights. Escargoon gave a shy nod, and Dedede huffed, “We’ll use the tank more often then. Save the limo fer more special stuff.”

If one looked past the snail’s nasally voice, listening to him felt a bit like listening to Meta Knight chatter about his Halberd and all of the things he had planned for her. He wondered what his favorite grumpy blueberry was up to, and if he’d even noticed he was gone yet.

When the snail shifted to gape at him this time, he felt… pleased. It was a small request really, and sounded like it was effectively for the better. It was a little out of character, to his knowledge, but at this point, that was probably a good thing.

Dedede shook his head, pushing the thought out of his mind as another thought crossed his mind, “Speakin’ of! Where’s that little tyke Kirby anyhow? I’ve half a mind to pay him a visit.” The snail perked up at the change of subject, sniffing and wiping his eyes as another smile twisted his lips. Oh no… Was he crying?

“G-Great idea, Sire!” Escargoon chirped, “I’ll bring the tank around now!” He slithered off quickly, gesticulating and muttering to himself.

Dedede took the moment of respite to stretch. He wasn’t lying to the guy, not yet, but the situation was making him tense. Alternate universe stuff was always weird, but this was the first time he had the option of talking his way out of things. He only hoped there wasn’t some larger-than-life bad guy that was moments away from imposing a reign of terror on this tiny Dreamland and forcing him to play at being a hero.

He was never excited for cardio.

Ignoring the niggling feeling that that was exactly what was going to happen, Dedede straightened the too-big band around his waist. The puttering of what he assumed was an armored tank was coming around the corner of the workshop, getting louder by the second.

Unfortunately educated guesses aside, he had recon to do and a pink puffball to see.

Chapter Text

No matter how cruddy the company was, Dedede hated being alone. Being alone was the worst feeling ever, and after the three gummy dummies left, all he had for company was the echoing hallways and the sound of his voice. Until he got tired of yelling and talking to himself. And singing his super awesome theme song.

“De-de-de, that’s the name ya should know~! De-de-de, I’m the star of the show~!”

Granted, he was amazing and he knew it, but even he wasn’t immune to boredom. Wasn’t that so wonderful and humble of him to admit? Honestly, he should be rewarded.

But instead he had a cell. And a rumbling belly. And guards up the hall that just KEPT ON IGNORING HIM.

They were the real villains here.

It felt like days before a waddle dee, flanked by two guards, (thankfully not the one with the blue hat thing) finally brought him his food, or something. “Food” turned out to be a ton of tiny colorful thingies served in a weird wooden box. A tin of rice came with it, in its own little container. Was it candy? Dedede gave the colorful tray a suspicious sniff. It smelled… fishy?

“You tryna poison me?” He grumbled, squinting at the waddle dee. The bandana-wearing waddle dee and the two girls had abandoned him ages ago, leaving him alone with the food waddle dee, a knight with a golden helmet, and a pointy hat guy with the dumbest looking shoes ever. They looked like they snuggled puppies for a living.

The waddle dee looked at him with surprise as it poured out some brown sauce into a dish.

“No, sir. We were tasked with bringing you some lunch, however, so I brought some fresh sashimi!”

“Sa-what-what?”

“Sashimi. It’s- er, fish.” Dedede frowned down at it and picked up a piece with his fingers.

“Looks like sushi ta me.” The waddle dee chuckled and rubbed its cheek awkwardly.

“It’s similar, only it’s not wrapped in rice and seaweed.” The guards glanced at each other as the self-proclaimed king popped it into his mouth, hemming and hawing away until he scrunched up his beak again and grumbled again.

That was… different. He expected something sweet, or sour, like the sushi he had at Kawasaki’s. There was always a dribble of sauce or salt somewhere on his fish, and while this didn’t taste bad exactly, it certainly wasn’t nearly as flavorful (if not sometimes overpowering) as the chef’s cooking.

“This don’t taste like nothin’!” Dedede groused, waving his arms then pointing at the waddle dee. “You’re tryna poison me, ain’t ya!” The waddle dee looked sad at the accusation. Or concerned? He didn’t care which.

“Try… try dipping it in this, s-sir.”

It pushed the small dish of brown sauce with little floaties through the bars of the cell. With a harrumph, Dedede conceded, splashing another piece of fish in the brown stuff and popping it in.

It was a little spicy, but it was… good. He might even like this better than the stuff he got from Kawasaki’s. Not that he would admit that. It was still weird and different!

“Do you… like it?” The waddle dee asked tentatively. Dedede crossed his arms.

“Why do I gotta sit on th’ floor like some bum?” He demanded, stuffing another spicy bite in his mouth, “I’ma king! I deserve a table an’ all the fixin’s!” The waddle dee looked apologetic, and gave a little bow.

“I’m sorry, sir. These are just Captain Bandana Dee’s orders.” Dedede squinted.

“Captain who?”

“The waddle dee with the navy bandana, sir.” The food waddle dee rubbed its cheek, “He’s in charge until either the King or the Regent come back.” Dedede shoveled down more fish, grabbing a handful of rice and popping it in his mouth. He didn’t notice the disgusted looks the guards exchanged with each other.

“Why’s he in charge?” Dedede grumbled, his face twisting with annoyance, “He’s the jerk that threw me in here!” The food waddle dee held out its paws placatingly.

“Please don’t be too mad at him, sir!” It pleaded in its soft little voice, “He’s only doing his job to protect the castle, and Dreamland.”

“Well it don’t need no protectin’!” The waddle dee gave a nervous chuckle.

“Well, we’re here to move you to a proper guest room, sir,” it said sweetly. “It’ll have a nice, soft bed, a TV, and a window with the prettiest view of Dreamland. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

Dedede harrumphed, crossing his arms, “I guess so…”

“Yeah!” The waddle dee tapped its paws together cheerfully. “As soon as you’re done with your food, we can bring you up to your room, okay, sir?”

“Whatever,” was all the penguin replied, and the dee sighed with relief.

———

Cappy Capers was definitely not how he remembered it.

Dedede scratched his head at the frankly shocking lack of diversity in the city. Er, town.

As far as the eye could spy, there were capless Cappies meandering about, some in dated clothing, most bare as a newborn baby, and all of them avoiding him and his tank. Granted he would too, but the nervous, shifting looks angling in his direction certainly didn’t make him feel all that great. Yeesh. Granted, it wasn’t like he wanted to look at them either, considering the majority of them basically looked naked. Would it kill them to put a cap on, at least? It was hot out here!

“Er… Escargoon, why don’t we park the tank somewhere out of the way and walk around a bit?”

“Huh? Well… sure, I guess.” The snail obediently backed the tank into an empty alleyway with practiced ease, killing the engine as soon as they were parked. Forgoing the doors, Dedede hopped out and glanced around. Yep, there sure were a lot of Cappies. Not a single Bronto, Kabu, Birdon, off-duty knight, or even a Waddle Doo, which he definitely thought would have been a thing here. Just Cappies, through and through.

The idea bothered him. Without the usual blend of species, it really put how he stuck out like a sore thumb in a brutal relief. He couldn’t help the feeling of displacement he always got in these interdimensional adventures, but this…? It made him want to gag, really.

For the hundredth time today, Dedede sighed. Escargoon slithered tentatively up beside him, a purple hand gingerly touching his sleeve.

“Are you alright, Sire?” The snail asked quietly, nothing but concern coloring his tone. It made Dedede relax, anxious tension seeping out of his muscles as he took a deep breath. This advisor really seemed like a nice guy so far. Maybe this was why the Other Dedede kept him around, to bask in tenderness and unswerving loyalty from someone who hadn’t yet thought to leave. Or maybe his paycheck was just that good. He’d probably have to look through the castle checkbooks to confirm. Dedede passed him a thoughtful glance.

“I dunno, Escargoon,” he said truthfully, turning back to survey the sleepy village in front of him, “I’ve been feelin’ weird since I woke up this mornin’. Like the world’s been flipped around ‘n turned upside down or somethin’.” Because, by all means, it was. But it wasn’t like Escargoon caught onto that, or anything else Dedede has done so far. The snail only made a thoughtful noise next to him, giving his arm a gentle pat for comfort.

“Did… something happen recently, sire? That… made you feel this way?” He probed carefully, although his eye stalk stretched to peer at him closer. Dedede snorted, but scratched his head as he thought back.

He woke up, disoriented and feeling like something had shifted, because it had. But beyond that…? Nothing. He had no idea how this could have happened, who could have caused this incident, and why. And considering his surroundings, unless someone was hiding some high-tech gear somewhere, he would have no means of figuring anything out anytime soon. So Dedede shook his head.

“Not that I know of,” he said honestly, then at Escargoon’s fretful expression, he tagged on, “I’d tell you otherwise.”

“If… If you ever need to talk about it…” The snail trailed off, but the sentiment made Dedede smile softly. He wasn’t planning on it, though it was nice to hear anyway.

“Thanks, buddy.”

Chapter Text

They spent the next two hours walking around the village. Dedede learned so many names and subsequent relationships it made his head spin. Lucky for him, the Other Dedede wasn’t known for his intelligence, so if he needed to wheedle for a few names later on, it could be chalked up as general carelessness. Or rudeness.

While he stood through a heated debate between Escargoon and the local doctor (Yaburi? Yabui? Yabbadabba- whatever) on the medical uses of some native flower Dedede had never heard of, he took the time to people-watch. He even made some faces at a few curious children, chuckling as they squeaked and scurried away. There were a few notable figures that he recognized from his world. “Kawasaki,” as he knew them, was the family name of a clan of flippered creatures that all shared the same face and skill for cooking. He found out very quickly that not every apple lands close to the tree, because this world’s Kawasaki was…

Well.

The ramen served to him was tepid, overly salted and just…

Okay, look, there’s no sugarcoating it. The guy sucks.

Which, in all honesty, was both hilarious to Dedede, and a huge bummer! How a whole dynasty of talented chefs could be strung through a wormhole and morphed into one subpar representative? That was just rude on a cosmic scale.

Thankfully, he complained well enough that Kawasaki, while sniveling pathetically, took the dish off of the check, gave him a complimentary plate of sesame balls, and a taste test of the catch-of-the-day sushi (which wasn’t...terrible, but he was a penguin so a little raw fish never hurt). The king huffed and shook his head, ignoring the curious look Escargoon sent his way as he fluffed up his coat and readjusted the sweatband. He should ask some of the waddle dees to tailor some better fitting clothes when he got that chance. This thing was starting to get irritating...

After lunch, Dedede waved off exploring the rest of the town, not interested in being indoors while the weather was finally cooling. Now they were walking out of the town on a dusty, beaten down road through fields of colorful crops and pastures of the cutest damn sheep he’d ever seen. It was almost unfair how pretty the countryside here was. While he loved the endlessly peaceful, rolling green hills of home, this place had a warm, lived-in kind of feeling. Like around every corner was a space someone or something had carved out and made into a home, from the flowers along the fenceline to the stacks of stones made and abandoned by playing children. Too bad he wasn’t transported here with his phone. He knew Taranza would have loved this view. Folding his hands behind his back, Dedede breathed in the sun-warmed scent of the flowery sea.

It was nice to walk around like this.

Much nicer than being stuck in his office or hosting dignitaries from other planets and kingdoms. He had forgotten what it was like to have endless days to himself, before he started taking his position of power seriously and actually ruling Dream Land. Before Nightmare. And way before Dark Matter.

Now that was a thought.

To think it was thanks to their power-hungry campaigns that he even bothered to change-

Man, he really needed to reign in the fatalistic daydreaming, that cannot be healthy.

“Sire! Sire! Here comes trouble!” Ever the master of coincidence, a frantic Escargoon tugged him out of his reverie and on his sleeve.

Eh?

Escargoon looked incensed, his malleable face drawn into a scowl as he jabbed his finger toward a group of… Dedede squinted down the path ahead. Some bright creatures were walking towards them, but what really caught his eye was-

“Kirby!” Dedede cried, eyes wide with sudden alertness. Euphoria, joy, and relief swamped his soul instantly. Dedede couldn’t restrain the maddening grin that curved his beak as he broke into a clumsy, sash-holding run towards the pink puffball. That stupid, dopey little face was so missed! He was going to noogie the everlovin’ Nova out of the little menace!

Only…

The other two creatures jumped at the sight of him.

“Crud! It’s Dedede!” Shouted one young voice, making him falter in his pace. The taller one turned to Kirby, sounding frantic as she spoke. His excitement stuttered in the face of her anxiety.

“Quick Kirby, you have to run away!” She sounded young, around Ado’s age, if he had to hazard a guess. That pit in his stomach began to gnaw at him again.

“Sire! How’d you get so fast- W-wait up!”

And the rosy pink cloud dissipated.

Dedede skidded to a stop beside the three children, scooping this dimension’s version of Kirby up in one arm and dusting dirt on the other two. As the children coughed and protested, Kirby wriggled in his hands for all of two seconds before he simply looked up at him with a curious noise. Dedede looked right back, squinting and trying to ignore the sinking feeling of disappointment. To hold on to the relief of finding someone familiar.

He couldn’t ignore it for long.

This Kirby is… tiny. That was the first thing he noticed. So tiny, he was nearly able to fit in the palm of his glove. And the puff’s eyes were dark, like deep space, not yet the bright, vibrant galaxies that regularly greeted him for lunch time. Dedede shifted Kirby from side to side, then squished his head a little bit.

Just as malleable as the other one, although his face... The king squinted at him, and the Other Kirby blinked blankly back.

There wasn’t a single thought behind those eyes. It was almost annoyingly adorable.

“Hey! Put him down!” Demanded the shorter, teal-haired child suddenly.

“What do you want with Kirby this time?” Piped up the taller one, sounding so exasperated he almost felt bad for her. Glancing down, Dedede sniffed and rubbed his beak, before turning Kirby and settling him easily into the crook of his arm. He spied Escargoon finally catching up and waited until the advisor was huffing and puffing in front of him.

“Show- hah, His Majesty-! Hoo, boy- Some… RESPECT!” Escargoon griped, before doubling over and wheezing for air. For a moment, everyone just looked at him, a mixture of suspicion and amusement on their faces while the snail gathered his bearings. Dedede chuckled and turned a scrutinizing eye to the two glaring children. They looked like wingless Ripple people, except almost entirely blonde, skin, hair, and all. They also looked like they hated him, as much as their kiddy hearts could manage to.

Welp. Here was where his poor reputation would become a detriment. Hopefully he could get away with not knowing the names of these two chitlins either, but with the way this little girl was seething at him, he didn’t think it would matter either way.

In for a dime, in for a dollar.

“Well, ain’t it a lovely day tod-“

“What do you want with Kirby!” The little girl cut through loudly. Her feet widened as she settled into a stance, fists balled and arms tucked tight. Well, okay then. Dedede raised a brow, then waved a placating hand.

“Relax girlie, I ain’t here ta cause trouble.” He winked an eye at her disbelieving expression, watching it fall to annoyance when he teasingly added, “'this time.'” Escargoon snickered beside him. Lightly jostling Kirby, who sat peacefully in the crook of his arm, Dedede continued, “I just wanted to learn a little bit about our resident gumball, is all! Call it an ‘innocent investigation’, hm?”

“Yeah, right,” grumbled the little boy before he brandished an accusing finger at the king, “You’re just trying to figure out his weaknesses!”

“Nope.” The idea of Kirby even having a weakness was laughable, in a weird eldritch horror kind of way, although maybe this particular pink puff wasn’t as hardy as the other one? He was just a little guy…

“Oh, what would you know anyway, you bucktoothed brat?” Groused Escargoon, “I doubt there’s anything you know that we don’t already!”

Woah. Dedede blinked at the snail. That was aggressive.

“Oh yeah?”

“Tuff! Quit it!”

Dedede watched the three of them gripe and groan at each other for a bit longer, lightly shifting the Other Kirby in his arm to look at him again. Yep, this one was definitely smaller than his Kirby. And while he didn’t know much about their kind of superpowered star creature, he figured he wouldn’t be wrong in his assumption that this Kirby was little more than a toddler. Said Kirby blinked his little eyes, and reached a little nub up to touch his beak. Of course, being as small as he was, the kid only reached his shoulder. With a huff beneath his breath, Dedede lifted a finger and pet the gap between the puff’s eyes until they started to droop sleepily.

Maybe this could count as a weakness? It took a post-tournament celebration and a wine-drunk Meta Knight to figure out this particular secret. Even with their Kirby hopped up on enough sugar to power Star Dream, a couple good pets still proved to be a one way train to Nap Town. A trip that the oh-so-prestigious Sir Meta Knight took soon after, curled up against the king’s shoulder. Dedede held back a fond chuckle at the memory, absently patting the sleepy puff in his arms.

“Say, you lot know how old Kirby is?” His question cut through their little squabble like a hot knife to warm butter, and Tuff, Escargoon, and the unnamed girl all looked at him with cartoonishly buggy expressions. Okay, seriously, was he really acting so out of the ordinary? Probably, but what Dedede wants to know is why hasn’t anyone said anything?

(Escargoon needled him a bit, he supposed, but the guy seemed to have a lot of blind faith in the Other Dedede anyway, so he was a statistical outlier for now. Or maybe everyone here was just dumb as rocks.)

“Er… What was that, sire?”

“Kirby’s a baby. At least that’s what Meta Knight-”

“Tuff! Sh!” As the girl berated her brother, Dedede blinked, his expression the very image of innocence. Inside was a maelstrom.

Meta Knight? So there’s a version of him here too… He had to tamp down his excitement, and also a fair amount of dread. It was already a literal miracle that he and his Meta Knight were even friends. On the same note, he couldn’t imagine the Other Dedede being all buddy-buddy with a guy so enigmatic and scary.

He could only hope the Meta Knight here was some version that wouldn’t slice him to bits without prerogative. Because if he was anything like the Meta he knew, Dedede was just going to fake his death now. Seriously, who launches a nationwide takeover because your neighbors are a little lazier than you? The guy was crazy.

…

Yeah, he was still holding a grudge over that, and probably will indefinitely! Mind your business!

The blonde girl was glaring at him with no small amount of suspicion, but he saw a hint of curiosity gleaming there too. His gut told him to be a bit more careful around her than he has so far, but he didn’t get to where he was in life without pushing a few boundaries.

So he grinned, all toothy and smug, and leaned down into her face. She didn’t even blink, only scowled further and set her jaw.

“Hello there girlie,” Dedede sneered, “Why dontcha answer your great King Dedede, hm? I don’t particularly like repeatin’ myself.”

The girl leaned away from him and crossed her arms.

“I’m not telling you anything, and neither is Tuff. We’re leaving, so put Kirby down and leave us alone.” Her voice was shockingly steady, and though she made a poor attempt at it, he did hear the undertone of a threat in her words.

Wow~! The kid had a stiffer backbone than half of the Meta-Knights! He couldn’t wait to tell Meta that.

“You watch your tone, missy!” Sniped Escargoon from the side, waggling a finger at her, but Dedede waved him off before the girl could retort.

“‘S alright, Escargoon. We got everything we needed for now.” Dedede smirked at the girl’s uncertain expression, though inside he softened a bit. Her eyes kept darting toward Kirby, who had slept the entire time. It was clear she felt responsible for the safety and care of the little puff, which was a sweet thought.

Before he could dwell on that further, the penguin stooped to set Kirby down, and nudged him toward his little family with a soft pat. The movement coaxed the puff awake with a soft yawn as he waddle closer to the girl. Immediately, she softened, pulling him into a protective hug, though not without fixing Dedede with a withering, yet conflicted glare.

“Sire?” Escargoon questioned, looking perplexed. Dedede couldn’t find it in himself to worry. Let them be confused! To Halcandra with the act, he wasn’t gonna to bully a freaking baby. He’s got standards, you know? Besides, at least his Kirby was a snooty little preteen by the time he started annoying the stars out of him. His subsequent retaliation was more than justified.

Dedede tossed the snail a sideways smirk.

“I’ll tell ya later. C’mon, let’s bounce.”

As they left, Escargoon leaned in to whisper up at him.

“Are we really gonna go?” He asked, incredulous, “Just like that? You didn’t even give that nosy Tiff the what for!”

“They’re kids, Escargoon,” Dedede reassured as he mentally filed the name away. He kept his voice light and flippant, “They got big imaginations. I don’t needa squawk at ‘em to freak ‘im out a little.” The snail scratched his chin thoughtfully, like he was absorbing the information.

“Well… I suppose that makes sense. Huh…” He brightened, “Great idea, sire!”

“Right…”

Chapter Text

Dedede was still sitting on the floor, wiggling a piece of fish in the air. It was so shiny, and the sauce splattered the ground and bars near him. He liked the mess it made, if only to annoy his captors who had been next to silent the entire time they waited for him. Their lack of reaction was starting to get boring though, so he pushed away the rest of his plate (full of yucky veggies now that he’d eaten everything edible), and stood up.

“Oh, you’re ready? Off we go then!” Chirped the waddle dee as it hopped to its feet. Dedede harrumphed and tossed the piece of fish at it, laughing when it squeaked and jumped. The guard with the helmet reached out to steady it while the other leveled a flat look at the penguin. Dedede blew a raspberry in return.

Silence. The helmeted guard fished out a set of keys and began to count through them. The waddle dee wiped the sauce off its face with a napkin the other guard handed it. That same guard kept frowning at him.

What was wrong with these people? Even dumb, wimpy Escargoon would’ve said something. He would’ve scolded him for playing with his food, and then do that dramatic sighing thing he likes doing when Dedede didn’t listen, before they went to plot a scheme to finally get Kirby! He would’ve done anything else than just sit there and look sad! It annoyed Dedede to no end.

The penguin looked around, eyes narrowed in a squint.

But speaking of Escargoon, where was the guy anyway?

“Where’s Escargoon?” The waddle dee and the pointy hat guard glanced at each other, before the waddle dee scratched its head and laughed awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, I’m not sure who you’re talking about…” Dedede grunted.

“Whaddaya mean? Purple snail, green everything else.“ He grouched, crossing his arms and demanding, “Where is he? He should be here!”

They all looked at each other again, before the guard with the pointed hat spoke up quietly.

“Did you mean Dr. Escargon?” The waddle dee turned to him, head tilted.

“Who’s that?” Dedede jumped to answer, but Pointy Hat beat him to it.

“A general physician that works at the hospital near Fantasy Meadows.” The guard thought for a moment, then shook his head. “Took over for Dr. Yabui some years back.”

Dedede frowned. General fizzishan? Working with Dr. Yabui? Were these people crazy? Escargoon was his servant! Not some whacko doctor! Something wasn’t right about this place.

The waddle dee gasped across from him, clapping its paws with delight.

“That’s right! I see him at the florist’s when I pick up the gifts for His Lordshi-“

“HEY!” The three of them jumped in surprise, and the helmeted guard sighed beside them, restarting his count through the obnoxious amount of keys. Dedede stamped his foot and barked, “Quit your yappin’! I order you to bring me to Escargoon!“

Silence. The waddle dee looked frightened. Pointy Hat looked angry. Helmet tested a key in the lock, and found that it did not work.

“We don’t take orders from you,” Pointy Hat bit out icily, his round black eyes narrowing, “You’re a step above being a prisoner here, pal, and it’s only the kindness of Captain Bandana Dee that is getting you out of this cage. Got it?”

He wanted to shout right back at the rude little brat, but the way Pointy Hat looked made him pause. There was something weirdly familiar about this guy, now that Dedede actually looked at him. His tone made a chill go down his spine, but Dedede couldn’t call himself a king if he let anyone boss him around. Especially not after the Crazy Waddle Dee debacle. Dedede opened his beak to yell again, but Helmet chose that moment to loudly undo the lock on the cell and swing the bars open with a grating squeak. The guard stowed the keys away on his belt and stepped back.

“Let’s go,” Helmet said, his voice low and stern, “And mind your manners, Junior.” Pointy Hat turned away, gnawing on his lower lip as his cheeks reddened.

“Yes, Sir.”

Dedede harrumphed and strutted out of his cell. Point Hat hopped out of his way, glaring as he dodged Dedede’s wayward arms, which made the king grin to himself. He would have shoulder-checked that Helmet guy too if he hadn’t been so short.

Sometimes the world just wasn’t fair.

The food waddle dee scampered ahead quickly, twisting around to walk backwards in front of him.

“I’ll lead you to your room, sir!” It squeaked, chipper once again. Its cheeriness was annoying, but Dedede preferred it over the stiff, threatening aura of the other two.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

—

The room was… nice. Very spacious, which Dedede liked. But it was also very empty, which he did not like. The world spun a little as he took the whole place in, the high vaulted ceiling, the blend of bright and soothing colors, the clean scent of fresh linens… By all means things he was entitled to, yet here he found himself feeling all like he was too small, too big, too something, to be here.

Dedede shook his head and forced himself to focus on what he could see in the room. The bed was huge and dark blue, with matching curtain thingies and fancy gold tassels. It had nightstands on both sides, but only one had a lamp and the other one was like a mini bookshelf. There was another bookshelf underneath the window, which was wide and let in a lot of light. There was a sitting chair with a coffee table and a couch by the books, all set up around a small blue carpet. A large landscape painting hung on one wall, and a tapestry hung on the wall by the bed. A scroll with weird black marks on it was next to the painting, but otherwise the walls were barren.

All of it looked nice, he guessed. Nicer than his own castle, which had him gnashing his teeth. But then again, this was his room now, wasn’t it? His room, in all it’s barely furnished glory. He’d be happier with it if it wasn’t so soul-crushingly boring.

Where was the GameStation? The TV? The snacks? There was nothing to do in this dumb room!

He’d turn around and complain, only to remember the waddle dee had already left. Gone to “get him some clothes” or something.

Which is great, he doesn’t want to be in his stinkin’ nightgown anymore, but it leaves him with no one to talk to other than those jerkface guards! And that! Was! Not! Great!

Helmet told him to call for them if he had questions, which he wasn’t going to do unless he was literally dying or something. Annoyed, bored, and feeling more tired than he expected from sitting in a cell all day, Dedede hopped onto the bed and flopped onto his back.

He sunk right in. The mattress was so soft and the blankets were so fluffy the whole thing felt like it was hugging him. It was… comforting. Dedede sniffled, roughly rubbing at his eyes. He felt bad, really bad. And not the fun, evil kind of bad. This was the kind of bad he felt that time when he lost-all-of-his-waddle-dees kind of bad. At least he wasn’t starving this time…

But these people gave him food, and the one waddle dee was nice, even when he was mean to it. The guards were mean, but not meaner than him, because they led him to this nice warm room and told him it was his. They still stood outside the door, waiting in case he needed them. Why did he feel so bad then? Why does he feel like everything is somehow wrong?

Granted, he didn’t know where he was. This place was clearly a castle, but he’s only ever been to one and he’s never been outside of Dreamland. There were waddle dees here, and clearly servants of someone who wasn’t Crazy, because Crazy was only their Captain, apparently.

He needed to get out of here.

Dedede rubbed his beak. The scratch from Crazy still snagged on his gloves when he caught it right. It reminded him quite vividly of when that jerk Metal Head kicked his tank down a hill like it weighed nothing. For someone so tiny, he packed a punch, like that waddle dee. But unlike it, he never turned his sword against him. Who’s to say those guards would do that? The thought made him shiver and scoot further into the bed, snatching a nearby pillow to hug it close.

Man, even the pillows felt like they were made of clouds! Dedede grumbled and pressed his face into it, trying not to think about all the thoughts buzzing in his head. He just wanted to sleep, and for everything to be just like it was when he woke back up.

—

When Wendee finally hustled back to the royal guest bedroom, a basket of clothes balanced on her head, she gave a nod to both Sir Kibble and Junie before asking breathlessly, “Did anything happen while I was gone?”

Sir Kibble shook his head, “Nothing to report. Our guest hasn’t made a peep.”

Junie crossed his hands, huffing a quiet, “Thank Nova.” Sir Kibble tutted at him, but did not comment. Wendee sighed sadly.

“Ah, well, that’s good. The poor dear must be scared out of his wits.” She couldn’t imagine how frightening it would be to wake up somewhere totally new, confronted with a language she didn’t understand and people she didn’t know. Not to mention ending up on the end of Captain Bandana’s spear on top of that.

The Captain was as kindly as waddle dees come. This Wendee knew for certain, but there was no denying his fierce protectiveness over King Dedede. Coming face to face with their unruly guest understandably set him off, but that didn’t make his actions justified.

At least, that’s what she thought while watching the guards and the Captain take the frantic penguin down. Not exactly conducive to good behavior, but…

“Nothing much ‘dear’ about him, if ya ask me,” grumbled the bombslinger as he picked at his gloves.

“Junie,” warned the knight, and his partner sighed.

“Sorry, Sir. That imposter is just so-”

“It’s okay,” Wendee soothed quickly, “but it’ll pass, I think.” She wasn’t blind, she knew their new charge was unpleasant, knew that he would be just as likely to hurt her as he would anyone else, but she couldn’t help but pity him. She hoped that, with time, he would warm up to his new surroundings.

With the guards’ help, Wendee slipped into the room on quiet feet. The room was exactly as she had left it, except the bed had a new mint green lump flopped on top of it, two yellowed feet hanging limply off the edge. A snore greeted her.

There, snuggled into a pillow atop his blankets, slumbering their guest. He had fallen asleep, and it wasn’t even tea time yet! All the excitement of the morning must have exhausted him terribly. Wendee suppressed a giggle and set his clothes onto the coffee table, carefully penning a nice note and placing it on top. She wasn’t as proficient at writing in Common than she was at speaking it, but she would check back in a few hours anyway. In the meantime however, she should catch up on her other duties.

Slipping from the room, she bid the two goodbye and waddled off to the library.

Chapter Text

They got back to the castle without incident, although even within the safety of the towering walls, Dedede couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched. Strolling around the town, he knew he’d be eyed warily by every passerby, but for the feeling to follow him here was… a little disconcerting. He would have blamed Escargoon, except the snail scarcely looked his way the whole drive back, focused on driving and probably lost in his own thoughts.

Maybe it was just paranoia. He had been pretty stressed since coming here, but it’s only been a day and nothing gut-wrenchingly horrible has even happened yet. He had to keep trusting his instincts, and hopefully not tip anybody off. But knowing his luck…

Dedede held in a sigh and pinched the bridge of his beak to alleviate some of the pressure building as Escargoon wheeled the tank around into the garage. Hopping out, the snail stretched with a big groan, before turning to him.

“Did ya need me for anything else, Sire? Now is a good opportunity to tune up some of those upgrades I showed ya earlier, so I figured I was gonna stay behind.”

Nova, what perfect timing. Dedede took back what he said about his luck. He was planning on ditching the snail, but now it looks like he doesn’t even need to make up an excuse. Grease monkeys were the best kind of friends sometimes, honestly.

“Nah,” the king shrugged easily, then made a thoughtful expression, “though how about refining the shocks? I was rattlin’ around like a marble in an empty box the whole drive.” Escargoon gave him a surprised look, but nodded with a weak smile as he saluted with a wrench.

“A-alright, Sire, I’ll take a look at them!”

Dedede gave him a thumbs up and a wink as he walked out. As he turned to quietly shut the door behind him, he heard Escargoon mutter to himself.

“Shocks? I didn’t think he knew what those were…” Click. Dedede rolled his eyes and waddled off. Whatever. Barely eight hours in and he was tired of worrying about this crap already.

What to do now? Since he was alone again, he was free to do all the snooping he wanted. Provided that he knew where to start… Perhaps he should go back to his room for now, maybe ask a waddle dee to grab him a snack-

Wait.

Waddle dees! Dedede scoffed and smacked himself on the head. There were waddle dees here! Nova, why didn’t he think of them sooner? He had talked to one that morning!

Nova, he was an idiot. He needed a waddle dee here, stat! Or maybe he should go to them, he actually did want a snack and there were bound to be oodles of the little guys in the kitchens.

Nodding to himself, Dedede began to walk toward the center of the castle. Castle kitchens were typically close to ground level, if not underneath it. If he could just find the banquet hall, or the main ballroom, he should be able to sniff out the kitchens. They had returned well into the afternoon, so he should think evening meals were being prepared by now. It would explain why the halls were so scarce now, when they had been bustling with activity earlier.

There were still waddle dees on the battlements, but… Ah, sue him, he was hungry and Kawasaki’s cooking left much to be desired.

The halls were positively maze-like, but the outer walls had many sections where the parapets opened into walks. The sweet summer breeze that brushed in did much to bolster his mood as he breathed it in. It was almost enough to ignore that irksome feeling of eyes on his back. With a surreptitious glance along the battlements above him, Dedede grumbled beneath his breath and turned to a spiral staircase. The further inward he walked, the feeling of eyes lessened.

Thank goodness, it was starting to give him the heebie jeebies.

A long corridor met him a couple flights down, and he spotted a few waddle dees standing idle outside of an archway, warm flickering light pouring from the room. The scent of fish and spices was unmistakable, his belly gave a curious rumble as Dedede cleared his throat to get the waddle dees’ attention. The waddle dees jumped with quiet ‘eep!’s, both sets of beady eyes turning to lock onto him. Their stares were piercing.

“Erm…” Dedede said eloquently, reaching up to scratch his head, “So what’s cooki-“

The two dees didn’t even let him finish his sentence before they scurried off into the room, slamming the door behind them. Then it was just him in the ghastly green corridor, illuminated by equally green sconces.

What in Halcandra was that for? Did the waddle dees here hate him too? Because if that was the case, he was starting to get very annoyed at the Other Dedede for souring so many damned relationships that it was making his escape difficult!

Dedede walked toward the door, frowning. Leaning in, he heard the tell-tale sounds of a kitchen at work, but any conversation being had was too muffled to understand. With a frustrated sigh, he knocked, stepped back, and crossed his arms. Someone ought to answer. He was the king here after all. Supposedly.

And answer someone did. That heavy oaken door opened slowly, and a meek-looking waddle doo stepped out.

“Is there anything we can do for you, Sire?” The waddle doo asked in a frighteningly deep voice. Like, scary deep. Like, ‘How did that just sound leave your nonexistent mouth’ deep. Dedede held back to the urge to look around wildly to see if this was some weird prank, but ended up staring at the waddle doo like he just grew another eyeball or something.

“Yeees…” Dedede blinked rapidly, trying not to let this life-changing revelation derail his plans too much, “I wanted a snack ‘n ta ask you ‘n the waddle dees a few questions.” The doo nodded and went to go back inside, but Dedede chirped up again, “Also! What was with the waddle dees from before? Am I not allowed in the kitchen, or…?”

The waddle doo immediately looked uncomfortable. Dedede felt the same seconds later when the waddle doo spoke.

“Er, the waddle dees don’t really trust having you back there again, Sire.“

“Oh?” Dedede tapped his foot irritably. This Other Dedede… was really getting on his last nerve, and he hadn’t even met the guy yet.

“B-but-!” The waddle doo stammered, “i-if that’s what you prefer, Sire. I can try to speak with them-“ Dedede sighed, and waved off the suggestion as he leveled a softer look at the waddle doo. Doom-bringing vocal chords aside, the poor thing was fiddling helplessly with his paws, his eye positively bulging as he looked at him anxiously. What kind of life did these people live, serving under their true king to make them flounder like this? Did he ever scare his people like that? He really hoped not, or at least, he hoped he’s made up for it since.

“Gimme sec, little dude…” the king grumbled, wracking his brain for an excuse. What could he say to get this guy to ease up? Interrogations were cakewalks when people didn’t know they were being interrogated, and he didn’t know a single service worker that didn’t like to gossip or rant about their problems. Granted, it was a bit different with your boss around but… He could get past that just fine! Usually.

Dedede snapped his fingers, and grinned at the frowning doo, “How’s about we make ourselves a little deal?”

The waddle doo blinked, then tilted his head questioningly.

“A deal… Sire?” Dedede lifted his hands in surrender.

“I promise not to touch a thing that ain’t given to me first, hm?” He wiggled his gloved flippers playfully, “Barrin’ an emergency, of course. On my honor as king!”

—

Nova, finally. Real food!

Dedede deboned his fried fish with practiced ease, piling the meat and scallions on measured bites of soft, sweet rice, before popping a morsel into his mouth. Ah…

Waddle dees scurried around him, but more stood by and stared at him. Their faces were blank of emotion, but Dedede could feel the surprise and confusion rolling off of them in waves. Call it “kingly intuition”, or maybe just a lot of practice with reading people who weren’t all that expressive (-cough- Sir Meta -cough-). Every single one of them were eerily silent, their seamless work punctuated only by small noises of effort. The waddle doo that brought him in alternated between sipping at a small bowl of soup and fidgeting in his chair.

While sitting there, not a single word left the waddle dees, but Dedede very well saw how they communicated. Mainly in gestures, it looked like some sort of shorthand sign language that he couldn’t even begin to fathom. He’d been meaning to learn Dreamlandian sign — Meta had always urged him to learn new languages, saying it was “an important skill for a king’ — but never got around to it. He was busy, okay? Sort of. Not really. Dedede took another savory bite.

There was a good chance Dreamlandian sign would be totally different here anyway, considering he hasn’t heard anyone even speak Dreamlandian so far. All the creatures here spoke Galactic Common as their first language. He’d regret his unpreparedness when he got back to his own world. Idly, he thought about what would have happened if he was transported to a world where he couldn’t speak the native tongue. He’d probably just pretend to be mute.

It wasn’t long until he was dabbing his beak with a napkin and thanking the chef. And with the table cleared, and his chompers picked clean with a toothpick, Dedede casually leaned an arm along the homely wooden table and leveled the waddle doo with a look.

“You look like you got some questions, little guy,” he said. He raised an arm amiably as Waddle Doo gawked at him, “Ask away.”

“I- e-er… I’ve got no questions, Sire! I’m just…” He floundered with his words for a moment, before shaking his head and saying a bit quieter, “You’re just… acting very different from usual, Your Majesty. It took us by surprise is all.” Dedede hummed in acquiescence.

“But y’see, when I woke up this mornin’ I felt all kinds of funny.” Dedede faced the table with a sober expression. Waddle Doo shifted beside him.

“What’s the matter? Did something happen, Sire?”

“Sorta, but I’ll be fine, surely,” Dedede edged, reaching up to scratch his head, “But I gotta couple questions I need you ta answer.” At Waddle Doo’s nod, he continued. “Were there nightly patrols goin’ on around my chambers?”

“Yes, Sire! Always.” Good. Well…

“Did anythin’ strange happen last night?”

“Er… Strange?” Waddle Doo rubbed the side of his eyelid awkwardly, “Well, Sir Meta Knight didn’t report anything, so I don’t think so?”

“Sir Meta Knight? Is he in charge of night patrols?” Go figure. His own version of the guy seemed to be up and about at all hours of the week. Or, at least, Meta always picked up his cell whenever Dedede called. And he never failed to sound busy with one thing or another. (Although whatever he was doing rarely stopped him from making the trek across Dream Land to join him for a yummy midnight snack.) Dedede shoved down the pang of homesickness that clutched at his chest, and beside him Waddle Doo nodded readily.

“The knights always patrol at night, Sire. But if you’d like, I can ask them if they saw something!” The Doo’s excitement, with that deep voice, was surely going to haunt him in his dreams, he just knew it. It was like Meta’s old voice modifier, but realistic and all the more disturbing because of it. Thank Nova he got the guy to stop using it. His natural voice was much nicer to listen to…

“No, no.” Dedede waved the offer off. No sense messing with those guys yet. “Who else patrols with him?” Again, Waddle Doo looked confused.

“Sword Knight and Blade Knight, Sire. Are you sure you’re fine?” Oh, buddy.

“Nevermind that. If those guys didn’t report anything, there ain’t no reason fer botherin’ them anyhow.” He wasn’t in the mood to deal with any more familiar faces, or masks, today. So what to do then? Clearly, it would be weird if he started quizzing the Dees on Cappy Town trivia. Waddle Doo seemed to be more cognizant of the situation than anyone else had so far, thankfully out of what seemed to be purely genuine concern, but still... Dedede sighed to himself, reaching up to rub his beak. Why can’t things ever be simple?

“Sire…?” Waddle Doo stood on his chair, tone colored in worry. A waddle dee off to his left sidled forward and set something beside him with a soft clink, accompanied by the slide of something against wood. Dropping his arm, Dedede looked at it.

A hot cup of tea, its soft scent carrying notes of soothing chamomile and honey, sat before him. The smile came unbidden to his face, and as he took the cup into his flippers, a ball of tension untangling in his chest as the warmth seeped into his feathers.

“Thanks,” he murmured to the little waddle dee. Taking a sip, he felt the waddle dee settle opposite to him with their own teacup. Around the room, more waddle dees sat down for a brief respite, and another passed Waddle Doo a cup as well, who made a quiet noise of thanks.

Hah… This wasn’t so bad. Amongst the waddle dees, he felt significantly lighter, a bit more steady than he was while exploring the town today. Maybe it was the bond he had with his own waddle dees that put him at ease here. Could it have carried over across dimensions? He had no idea but he was grateful for it now. Whatever trust these little guys had in him, he was going to do his best not to break it. Even if it meant inadvertently helping out Other Dedede’s reputation.

Dedede grumbled to himself at the thought. Whatever. What helped him right now was what mattered most. To Halcandra with the collateral damage. Or, er, “not-damage”.

“Say, buddy.” Waddle Doo looked up at him. Dedede scratched his feathered cheek, “Any place in the castle where I’d find records and things?”

“Er, I say the library, Sire. Anything in particular you’re looking for?” Dedede shrugged.

“Bills, pay stubs, budgets. The whole schtick,” he said, sipping his tea before adding, “maybe an employee catalog?”

“Employee catalog…” Waddle Doo echoed, frowning, “Why wouldya want that?”

“Oh.” Dedede waved a hand flippantly, “Nothin’ important…”

Chapter Text

Dedede’s conversation with the Waddle Doo left his mind revitalized. He still hadn’t made any real progress yet, but he made some allies, in a sense.

Speaking of which… he was a little confused as to why the waddle dees didn’t suspect him, since He clearly had a history of being a menace that he wasn’t exactly living up to. They skittered away at first sight, but settled almost immediately after he proved he wasn’t going to screw anything up. The atmosphere was tense, and although it eased, Dedede couldn’t help but feel as if he was missing something.

Dedede shook his head with a sigh, scratching at his beak idly. He requested that dinner be sent to his room before he set off toward the library, a pair of waddle dees in tow. Hopefully it would still be warm by the time he got there, and then it was time to buckle down and buff his story with some sweet, sweet knowledge.

His first night in another world, all on his own. Hurraaay…

The grand library was small, unsurprisingly, the size more reminiscent to his personal hoard than a public space. He would be more shocked if the Other Dedede turned out to be an avid reader. Even still, it was well kept, with practical desks stationed around the room, warm, cozy lighting, and book displays for popular fiction novels. One of them even had a caricature of Kirby on the front, complete with a witch’s hat and a broom. Dedede made a mental note to check it out later.

He let his glove run along the nearest shelf of books, wondering at their titles. Most of the spines were gilded with shining thread, either gold or silver in color, but there were many others without the aesthetic filigree, boasting more modern looks with their blocky text and thin plastic sheen. Dedede huffed to himself and turned to face his two escorts, only to find one of them missing.

“Uh, where’s your buddy?” He stood up on his tiptoes to glance around and over bookcases. The waddle dee waved their paws in what looked to be a shrugging motion, then turned and pointed down a gap between two large bookshelves.

Well, alright then. They must be grabbing something. Dedede turned back to the shelves, thinking.

“Could you fetch me anything relating to the castle budget or statements for expenditures? Just stuff in the past, er…” Alright, how much was he going to assume this guy spent? The castle wasn’t nearly as opulent as his own (nor, ahem, as tasteful), but considering what he deduced about the guy already… “Let’s go… the past month, yeah?”

Dutifully, the waddle dee nodded and scurried off in another direction.

As they went, Dedede considered their retreating figure. Following his library request, he had continued to needle Waddle Doo with questions. Apparently, the waddle dees in this world worked largely as a singular unit, full of individuals, only all faithfully sworn to servitude under his reign. Not quite a hivemind like he had been expecting, and was immensely glad for, but with much more conformity than he was used to. Granted, his own waddle dees weren’t exactly paragons of individualism either, but…

It was different! Not bad. Just different.

Whether they had names or not was something he hadn’t been able to find out from asking Waddle Doo, who seemed only somewhat able to converse with the Dees despite having been a part of this colony since he was a baby doo. He hasn’t seen any more doos, nor had they encountered any other colonies during their migration to Dream Land. This colony had remained here since, pledging their service in return for lodging and food.

Slowly but surely, he was uncovering more and more about this world. If for no other reason, the knowledge would help him keep up appearances.

Dedede shook himself out of his thoughtful stupor at the sound of shuffling across the library. The first waddle dee came scampering back to him holding a thick manila folder. He leafed through it slowly. The first few pages were Escargoon’s, then the castle knights’: Meta Knight, Sword and Blade, and a Cabinet Minister known as Sir Parm Ebrum. The rest of the folder was entirely for the Dees. He nodded to himself.

“Thank you. This covers alla the castle employees, right?” Dedede asked, and the waddle dee nodded. The king let out a sigh of relief. Good. This would be the first thing he looked at tonight. He needed a game plan to last him throughout the rest of the week. Maybe he’d even mess with the Other Kirby a little bit, since that was clearly Other Dedede’s prerogative. Beyond that, though, he had to get his work cut-out.

Glancing around, Dedede set the folder aside on a nearby table and started perusing the shelves for himself. If he spent all night looking at budgets and employee profiles, he was bound to go crazy if he didn’t have something else to buffer it. Did this Dream Land happen to have a travel booklet, or a botanical guide? He wasn’t really a “plant guy,” but he did keep the few that Taranza gifted him.

Maybe a- Oh!

Dedede paused in the nonfiction section and pulled out a slim volume titled A Brief Compendium of Dreamland Geologic Curiosities. Mhm, he loved himself a good rock book.

He ought to pick out a few from this land to take home as a memento. Maybe even find one or two for Meta. He gave the book a little smile and tucked it under his arm. As he walked back to the center table, the first waddle dee hopped up from where they were sitting on the ground and looked at him expectantly. Dedede waved them off.

“Nah, just relax. ‘M only waitin’ on your buddy to come back. No rush,” he assured. The waddle dee tilted their head at him curiously, before sitting back down and leaning back against the table leg, eyes closed.

It was a bit late for a nap, but Dedede wouldn’t begrudge them for taking one. Especially when they looked so cute!

When the other waddle dee came back with easily triple the spread of the first, Dedede gave a low whistle. And he asked for the past month! Now he almost didn’t want to know what this guy was buying, nor where he was getting his funds for that matter.

Although… based on the varying levels of infrastructure in the town… He had a good idea already.

Dedede huffed, a frown pressing on his brow.

Cracking his knuckles, he got to work.

—

Dedede blinked awake in the middle of the night, groggy from his nap. He was tempted to roll over and snuggle under the blankets and keep sleeping, but as his sluggish brain recalled the memories of the morning he found himself waking up more and more.

“Drat!” He cursed beneath his breath. He was all for being up late and having fun, but what was he going to do? He might not be in jail anymore but he was still a prisoner to the biggest tiny brats, like, ever. It wasn’t like he could go out and leave…

Or… couldn’t he?

Dedede rubbed his eyes and squinted toward the door. A faint, warm light glowed beneath it, even fainter shadows dancing back and forth. Tiptoeing closer, the whispered voices of those guards grew stronger.

“Awake at this time of night…” Dedede had no idea how late it was but if those jerks were still up, it meant they weren’t gonna move anytime soon either.

Dedede scowled and turned right back around. It took all of his self control not to stomp his way back to his bed, but he managed it, barely. On the way, he noticed the bulk of something on the coffee table by the door. Were those… clothes! With a grin, Dedede tore through them and unearthed a robe. His robe. HIS robe!

Chuckling with glee, he pulled it over his shoulders and snuggled into it, breathing in the clean floral scent. Ah… Right where it belonged. He felt snug as a bug, more safe than he’d been all day. Even though he was still stuck… here. In this stupid room. His delight was short-lived, as always, when a sudden burst of laughter sounded outside his door.

So not only were they keeping him here against his will, they were also laughing because of it! And he didn’t even deserve it!

Which, again, begs the question…

“How the heck am I gonna get out of here?” He thought to himself in a whisper. With the door unavailable that left him with… the window! Dedede fist-pumped. He was a genius!

He skittered over to it, pushing the curtains out of the way and squinting into the gloom. Moonlight streamed into his room, bright enough to make him have to blink and pause. Rubbing his eyes again with a quiet curse, he unlatched the window and swung it open, then gasped.

“What-!” He clapped a hand over his mouth, eyes big and buggy.

What is this place?

For as far as the eye could see, smears of color, dimmed by the blanket of night, and seas of glittering lights peppered the landscape before him. And it went on for miles! At least as far as Dedede could see…

Looking down, Dedede gulped at the plunge gaping beneath him, a sheer cliff of jagged rock winking at him through the fluffy twinkling clouds that hugged its face. And more than that, there was a fat vine curled beneath his window. A vine that, as his awestruck gaze followed it, tangled all the way to…

“WOAH!” That’s a HUGE plant!

It was so tall Dedede couldn’t even see the top before it disappeared into the clouds! But… He scratched his beak idly, taking a rare moment to pause and think.

“Where a plant grows up, a plant also goes down…” he mused. Which means…

Dedede leaned out with a hum, miming binoculars around his eyes. Pinpricks of colors dotted the plant’s surface, muted by the darkness. If he squinted, they looked a little bit like the fairy lights the Dees put up for parties and stuff. Other than that, the plant was just… really big. Tons of huge leaves droop along the sides like a greenish spiral staircase, hundreds of vines snaking in and out of the clouds, clinging to the cliff and… the castle! That was how he was going to escape! Only…

Dedede reached out and gave the piddling vine beneath his window a good yank. It didn’t give… much. But that oughta be good enough, wouldn’t it? He was light as a feather he was. So he clambered onto the window sill and poked the vine with his foot. It gave a lot more that time, but not enough for the vine to break from the wall. Good! That meant he was as safe as a bank.

He put more and more weight on until he was standing unaided, arms spread like the finest balancing act.

“Ha! Easy as pie!” He chortled to himself.

The vine crinkled with strain, the roots grasping the wall snapping one by one. Undeterred, he took one tentative step, then another, more confident, and then he fell.

Wait. Choking on fright, Dedede lashed out an arm, catching the very vine that failed him. Tenuous roots gave out and dropped him further, and a cry finally leaped from his throat. Wait!

He grasped the vine with both hands, crying out when more of it tore from the walls and swung him back and forth uncontrollably. Further and further down the vine dipped, until the window began to fade into the periwinkle night. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! Wait!

“Help!” Dedede screamed, “Help me! Somebody!” The air was bitterly cold, streaked viciously against his tearing eyes like an icy slap to the face. What was he thinking? Running away from the warmth? Good food?

And where were those damn knights when he actually needed them, huh!

He couldn’t think, could barely breathe. Even now, dangling over certain death, was there really nothing he could reflect on? No “life flashing before the eyes” moment for him? He supposed that kind of stuff only happened to happy, gooey-gooey people. Not folks like him without a single nice bone in his body.

The idea stung, worse than the burn on his hands and the strain from holding himself up. No, this was what made tears spring up and blur his vision until he couldn’t see a darn thing anymore. Not the cottony clouds, not the vine eeking from his weakening grasp, nor the sky filled impossibly full with stars.

Was this it? Was this the end of the Great King Dedede?

“No! Please-” the beg came in a whimper, but as the vine finally slipped through his fingers, Dedede gave out one last wail for help.

“ESCAHGOON! KIRBY! SAVE ME!“ He wailed as he dropped, poofing through the powder soft clouds, not even a shadow to remain as the blue consumed him.

—

Kirby startled from his dream with a gasp, popping so wildly back into reality that he tumbled off his bed and onto the floor, blankets and all. Rubbing his eyes, the star child gazed up and around his room trying to figure out what had woken him up so suddenly. Seeing nothing immediate, Kirby opened his door and peered outside.

Nothing here either…

Then what was it? He was losing his grasp over his last dream very quickly. What had been a particularly yummy Gourmet Race with all his friends had very abruptly cut off because of… something.

Meta Knight said that he should always take notes on his “weird” dreams in case a new power was trying to rear its head, but Kirby didn’t feel any different, nor did anything happen recently that would make anything else all “weird” too.

He mostly felt sleepy right now, and unsettled. Kirby glanced around one more time, taking in the Green Greens, the rolling Valley, and the winking lights of Castle Dedede far off into the distance. The Halberd wasn’t anywhere in sight since Meta Knight left for his trip, and he doubted his friend would be back until the end of the week. Maybe Kirby could pay Dedede a visit tomorrow and talk to him about it? He was always really nice about sharing feelings. And his hugs were a lot warmer than Meta’s too!

Kirby’s eyes glittered as he thought of the yummy food the Dees always made for the two of them and nodded to himself. Okay! The plan was set. All he had to do was stop by the Café tomorrow morning and pick up some treats for brunch! That way, Dedede won’t be grumpy about him eating the Dees’ food.

Under the light of the moon, Kirby made his notes in his dream notebook with crayons and the new glitter pens his mentor had gotten him. Once he was done, he hoisted himself back into bed, bouncing on the springy surface with residual glee. Sighing to himself happily, Kirby yanked up his blankets and nestled right in, smiling as he drifted back to sleep.

Chapter Text

A cloudy night in Dream Land was not to be taken lightly. There were more times than there weren’t when the Butter Buildings and Grape Gardens were swallowed up by the clouds they were built on. Even the Dreamstalk itself was shepherded and moved by the shifting cumuli, curling around its leaves like a particularly possessive sweater. And there was no place more dense with the nebulous fluff than Mt. Dedede itself. The clouds condensed thick enough to form sturdy platforms, some big and stagnant enough to comfortably house a small town.

And it was into these clouds Dedede fell, though he wouldn’t know that yet, or why his fall slowed more and more until he landed softly, gently into a cloud that smelled like freshly spun cotton candy.

…

Dedede sniffled, curled up as tightly as he could manage. All he heard was the whooshing of the wind and… his own labored breathing. Light mist brushed against his face, the air warm, but the water cool against his feathers.

“Am I dead?” He asked no one in particular. “Is this… the afterlife?”

Dedede peaked an eye open, taking in the rolling and shifting expanse of clouds before him, the occasional vine breaking through the sea and diving back into the floor. The clouds he laid against undulated with the air currents, like a warm ocean of cotton and fluff. The king sat up, experimentally patting the clouds beneath him.

“Eh?”

Hopping to his feet, Dedede glanced around the glittering field of fluff he’d found himself in. Pastel purples and pinks painted the fuzzy ground as well as the surrounding columns of clouds. The ceiling was colored in the hues of nighttime, put into stark relief by the cobalt shadows hiding from the moon.

“Goonie?” He called out uselessly, as if his assistant would appear if he asked for him extra nicely, “Escargoon?” But there was no one to answer. No, he was totally alone here. Dedede swallowed his fear with some difficulty, ignoring the way it stuck in his throat as he took in his surroundings again.

The scenery before him was splattered with stars. Not the sparkly, glittery things in the sky, but actual styrofoam-looking stars. Curiously, Dedede snatched one up, and gasped as the pink piece of cloud disintegrated from his hand into the wind.

He began to laugh, feeling only just a little bit crazy as he grabbed up another star, and then another. They disappeared from his fingers and reformed elsewhere. Then Dedede pinched himself, yelping when it hurt, before he doubled over to laugh again. He rubbed away wind-chilled sweat and tears, laughing until he was wheezing for breath.

He didn’t know if folks could feel things after dying, but he knew for certain that whatever this was, it wasn’t a dream. As weird and wacky it was, this whole place just felt a little too real.

Which was crazy! And impossible! And there was no way that he was crazy; because he’s the king, obviously. So he must be dead. Or in Heaven. Alone? He didn’t really wanna think about it.

Whatever this place was, he couldn’t stay here. He needed to find the ground, fast. And he was running from something! What was it again?

He harrumphed and rubbed his beak. His glove got caught on that stupid scratch. “Ugh!”

Oh, that’s right, the Jerk Squad. Being dead really did scramble your brain, huh? Ugh! Stop thinkin’ about it!

Dedede growled and started walking, touching the vines whenever he could, as if feeling something solid would make the weightless squishiness beneath his feet any less weird. His body sagged from the late hour, but the excitement and fear of falling to his doom kept his brain way too buzzy to even consider sleeping. And what kind of crazy doo-doo head would think to sleep on a cloud?

The Cappys probably would. Especially Mabel and her weird magic-ey-ness. Or maybe Kirby. The pink punk was so light, he could probably sleep on clouds without a problem. But only a king would have the grace and majesty to walk on them! As he does now, heheheh!

Dedede chuckled to himself, then yawned.

“Oogh,” he sighed, “I’m really tired. And the clouds felt so fluffy before…”

He shook the thought away with half-hearted irritation. He had to keep going. Find the ground, the dirt, some grass, anything but these darn clouds and their evil vine friends.

…

He wasn’t sure how far or long he kept walking, but it was far enough that the rich blues of the night began to lighten up, now touched with soft hints of aqua and rose. The cobalt shadows blushed purple, and the star clouds began to glimmer with light as the sun crawled closer.

Dedede only glimpsed the dawn, as for the most part he walked with his eyes closed, letting his aching feet lead him forward. A couple times, he flopped to the puffy ground, exhausted, but it wasn’t very long before he woke up again, sweating and anxious.

Even still, it was long enough to see the light of day again, and to see looming buildings some ways off into the distance.

Was that…?

“Land?” Dedede muttered, rubbing his eyes and trying to shake himself awake. No avail. He couldn’t see anything but color and blurriness. No fair! Dedede growled and yelled, stomping his feet in anger. “Wake up! Stupid eyes!”

He rubbed them further, taking some crust with him. His sight cleared, a bit. Enough to see that the shapes he’d picked up on were a lot closer and squigglier than he’d previously thought. And as he trudged closer, he found himself staring at a long line of lattice fence, protecting racks of huge, ripe, perfectly purple grapes.

Immediately, Dedede’s mouth began to water.

That’s- “Food!”

———

The night before…

“Alright. It’s just a phone call. It’s just a phone call.” Bandana Dee gave a long, long sigh and tugged his bandana over his eyes, wishing the ground would swallow him up so he wouldn’t have to tell Sir Meta Knight, Lord of Mallow Castle, Regent of Dreamland, best friend and Sworn Partner of the Great King Dedede, that he’d failed the most important mission he’d ever been given. Again.

Dedede’s abduction into the Forgotten Land was rough enough on his self-image, only to have yet another instance, one where he didn’t even have clues to go off on to start finding his beloved king, stacked right on top of it! How was he supposed to admit or even begin rectifying a failure this great?

Bandana whimpered and smacked his head with his phone. Come on! Where was his courage?

It was cowering in the corner, already dreading the restrained sound of Sir Meta Knight’s voice as he listed orders in the wake of the news. But… it had to be done. Bandana couldn’t justify putting this off any longer, and… Of all the Dreamlandians, his Lordship deserved to know, and was one of the handful of people capable of ever finding King Dedede again. Bandana sucked in a breath and dialed the number.

It rang once, twice, then picked up.

“Captain,” came the curt acknowledgement. There was some static in the background, the faint sound of voices overlapping one another. Oh great! He was busy! Bandana sank further into the floor, dragging his bandana off his head to wring it with his paw.

“Sir Meta Knight, please excuse the interruption, but...” Bandana couldn’t stop his voice from cracking as his emotions began to well up and overflow in the most embarrassing way, “…something terrible has happened to the king…”

In an instant, the background voices vanished with the sound of shifting cloth and the crackle of connection. The small shift of metal on metal and the softest of sighs emphasized the sudden quiet. Wherever Sir Meta Knight was, he was no longer there, trading business for peace and quiet.

“Report,” the knight ordered stiffly, then a breath as he spoke again, gentler now, “What happened, Bandana?” His tone, tired and worried, but still rich with warmth, made Bandana’s tears finally spill over. Of all times to spare him kindness, why did his Lordship have to pick the moment when Bandana felt he least deserved it?

“Sir, I’m so sorry-“

And so Bandana told him everything, with tears on his cheeks and guilt in his heart.

—

It went more or less exactly as he expected.

Sir Meta Knight was significantly less upset-sounding than he feared, though the knight’s reaction was probably tempered by Bandana’s embarrassing snot fest mere seconds after calling him. And after he finished recounting the events of that day, Sir Meta indeed donned the voice of a leader and began to list Bandana’s objectives for the week until he returns. Which he was certainly grateful for if only for the fact it made him feel useful. There were many orders about the castle that his Lordship asked him to touch up on, but in terms of importance, there were three that absolutely needed to be done before his return at the end of the week.

“Get a hold of Magolor. He owes me some favors. Simply tell him that he is to be present at Mallow Castle by the end of the week per my request, and leave no room for rebuke. He will shamelessly try to distract you, or sell you something. Contact the Meta-Knights if you need help arranging communication.

“My Mirror-World double should be residing near the Great Caves. Inform him that I am willing to barter for his aid. Should he accept, he will find me upon my return, but he is welcome to stay with the Meta-Knights should he wish. You will have better luck finding him if you track down the Squeak Squad leader, Daroach, first. I highly recommend having Kirby accompany you.

“Keep the Alternate at the castle until I return. Ensure that his accommodations are comfortable, but airtight. We will inform the citizens of the King’s disappearance in due time. If the Alternate is as unruly as you say, he will stop at nothing to escape, so stay vigilant always. Find out information about his world, if you can.”

Bandana was reeling with information. He’d managed to scribble down a stunted version of the list on the fur of his left paw before he ended the phone call at a lovely three in the morning. What a day. Or night. Bandana was beat, and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep for a week.

Of course, as Nova willed it, that was the exact moment Sir Kibble and his squire burst into his room, panting.

Bandana turned to them, brow raised.

“What are-“

“The imposter escaped!” Junie cried, so panicked that a handful of tiny bombs slipped from his fingers. “He jumped out of the window-“

“He what-“ Bandana choked on his own spit and began hacking to himself as Sir Kibble yanked at Junie’s collar.

“No, he- Junie, the bombs!” Barked the knight, smacking the boy upside the head, who squeaked in surprise, “Get them out of here!”

With a yelp, Junie scooped up the fizzing pile of firecrackers and scampered out of the room as fast as he came in. Sir Kibble grunted, faced Bandana Dee, and slipped into a ceremonious kneel. A few more rough coughs had Bandana gazing at him with a pained grimace.

“Apologies, Captain. Excuse my pupil and his overexcitement.”

“Forget about that! What in the name of-“ Bandana Dee shook himself, taking a calming breath, “Report, please, Sir! What’s this about an escapee?” And jumping out of a window? Junie had better be wrong… Bandana didn’t think he could take another loss right now, he really couldn’t, but if he had to choose between an escapee and a dead prisoner, he’d choose the escapee without a second thought.

Sir Kibble stood from his kneel and canted his helm down in shame.

“The castle guest has indeed managed to escape via the window of his rooms.” Bandana sagged as the knight shook his head, then lifted up to look Bandana in the eye, “We didn’t see it, Captain, but we heard him as he fell, and entered his room to pursue him. Based on what we found, I can only assume that he used the Dreamstalk vine beneath his window to swing away from the sill.”

Bandana let out a breath of disbelief. That. Is not. Good.

“So the chasm…” the waddle dee mumbled, the coldness of dread seeping into his paws, “U-unless he can fly, there isn’t a chance that he’d survive that fall.” And Bandana could say with absolute certainty that this Dedede was very dense and not flight-worthy at ALL.

“The clouds are in high tide, sir,” Kibble supplied placatingly, “The chasm was completely shrouded. Provided he swung away from the cliffside, he would have escaped unscathed.”

Oh thank Nova. Bandana could breathe again. He would have cried too if his tear ducts weren’t bone dry after phoning Sir Meta Knight. All he needed to do was make sure the Alternate was back in the castle by the end of the week and then… Ugh. Bandana rubbed his head. He was starting to feel dizzy.

In front of him, the Cutter Blade knight ducked his head again respectfully. “Sir! I take full responsibility for this incident,” he announced with a decisive clank of his fist against his helm, “I will pursue the escapee and see him returned to this castle at once!”

Junie stumbled back in, face and hands dusted with soot. His hat was smoldering.

“Wait, what?” The Poppy guffawed without humor, “But, Sir, it was my fault for distracting both of us.” He turned to the waddle dee, eyes large and pleading, “Bandee, I-“

“Boy, you will address the Captain properly,” his mentor cut in sharply. Bandana held up his paws for quiet before the two of them could start bickering.

“It’s alright! Enough, please,” he huffed, a paw to his head. After a short breath, Bandana met both of the guards with a hard gaze, “You will both be held responsible with Dedede’s recapture. He was your charge and escaped under both of your guards regardless of who-did-what. Yeah?”

“Yes, sir,” the guards intoned in unison. Bandana sweatdropped.

“But for tonight… rest until morning and set off to find him then. You’ll need sleep and daylight if you’re gonna be successful.” They nodded. “Any questions?”

“No, sir!”

“Good,” Bandana said, nodding to himself. Being Captain had yet to stop feeling weird, especially since just a few years ago, Bandana had been too young to even consider joining the King’s army. He and Junie were in the same training squad for Nova’s sake! Now he was here, having literally fought his way into the King’s good graces.

He ought to join them in their search, especially since one of Sir Meta Knight’s orders was to “keep an eye on the Alternate Dedede” until he returned. But he had other, higher priority things that to do before he could join the search party. Which he was really…not excited to do.

Honestly, what could Sir Meta Knight want with his Mirror Double? Getting in touch with Mister Magolor made sense, but that other guy… Bandana couldn’t fathom it, considering all the stories he’s heard of the bad blood between the Mirror World, Dream Land, and the Dreamstalk.

He’d worry about that when he got to it, he decided, as he dismissed the two guards and hopped into bed for some much needed rest. And as he tossed and turned, he agonized over the future and the safety of not one, but two Dedede’s.

Chapter Text

Present.

Dedede startled out of a dreamless sleep with a snort and a flurry of paper. The room was dim, for now, as the dawn crept closer to the horizon, tinting the indigo sky with dreamy hues of purple and violet. He looked out of the window and grumbled to himself at the early hour, lamenting the loss of sleep.

Granted, it was his fault for trying to read through the night. At least the bean bag and TV stand where he’d set up his makeshift desk was soft enough that his back didn’t ache too terribly upon waking. He’d fallen asleep face down, the upper half of his body draped over his workspace.

Even still… Dedede glanced down at his very colorful and adorable notes. He’d found a children’s coloring book amongst some elementary textbooks stacked in the closet and was now utilizing the back pages reserved for free drawing as a log of all of his findings. It was not ideal, but he was fresh out of other options unless he started asking around. And sue him, he was lazy and this was working for the moment. And if he was using blue, purple, pink, and red pencils specifically, well… that was between him and Nova.

Not only that, but… Great. The top corner of the paper was soggy with spit. Dedede grimaced. Nice. Of course he drooled in his sleep! He scrubbed at the film of saliva around his beak with the fur of his robe and pressed a leftover dinner napkin to the wet spot. His feathers were ruffled, and the largest ones stuck out in funky directions. He would have to preen in the shower. And soon because Nova, did he STINK!

He sighed and reread what he’d written the night before. Beholding the Other Dedede’s accounts made his whole body cringe at first glance for three reasons. The first was obvious, he totally expected it, but it still needed to be said. Good Nova the guy’s spending was absolutely outrageous! He could understand a full castle rebuild being expensive in terms of material and labor (ignoring the fact that he definitely had the Waddle Dees for labor, and they’re paid via food, e.g. very cheap labor), but needing two within one month? Ridiculous! Not only that but three-quarters of the bills were for a thing called “NME Services and Product(s)” followed by unintelligible strings of serial numbers which really made the whole thing look like a scam. Which was the second reason. Was there no fraud protection in this universe? He really hoped it didn’t turn out to be anything inappropriate.

“NME…” Dedede mumbled mindlessly, glaring at the, frankly, atrocious numbers, “N-M-E. Enem… Enemy?” He paused, blinked, and squinted at the acronym. Is that real? N-M-E…

Oh Nova, damn it all.

Now, he didn’t want to be presumptuous, however, considering his experience and how it was only a little over five years ago that a megacorporation met its end on Dream Land’s shores, Dedede liked to think he was fairly familiar with shady business. With a moniker like that, it was enough to raise feathers, sure, Dedede would have to figure out what it means before he drew any conclusions, but… Look, with everything that he’s been seeing thus far, how could he not be suspicious? It didn’t sit right and he trusted his gut immensely.

He sighed frustratedly and rubbed his forehead.

Moving on, the third reason was the egregious amount of taxes this guy was collecting. Thankfully, the money was more or less circling back to the townsfolk due to Other Dedede’s spending habits, but even still…

He snorted at the several huge bills for Kawasaki’s restaurant. Really, the other guy had no taste. Maybe raising hell over there was a good idea after all, although if he ever had to go back and was not hankering for sushi, Dedede would probably appropriate the kitchen to make his own damn meal. That would have to be an Escargoon-less trip however, which probably won’t happen anytime soon.

Dedede stretched and took a deep breath, took a whiff of his borrowed night clothes and grimaced. Yeah. That was bad.

An hour-long bathroom excursion later, Dedede was feeling refreshed, with a new lackluster robe draped around his shoulders. He’d dug up a thin, plain t-shirt out of the closet too, and while it wouldn’t replace his kimono and obi, it made for a nice, breathable layer between that stupid sweatband and his robe. And better covered the jagged scar across his belly.

He patted it briefly through his clothes. He couldn’t feel where the skin was bare of any feathers because of his layers, but it wasn’t like he needed or wanted to. He knew exactly where that Dark Matter minion had torn him open. It wasn’t the sort of thing someone forgot. Dedede shook his head, hugging himself and rubbing his arms to ward away the sudden coldness that he knew was imaginary but never failed to make him shiver. He had made his peace with the injury, but it seemed his body still remembered the feeling even decades later. Didn’t help that every possession felt more or less the same! Either cold, closed in, and numb, or sweltering hot, too hot to breathe in, and steeped with unchecked, uncontrollable rage.

But enough about that! Ugh! Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts, think happy…

Warm laughter, two bright and cheerful, another soft and indulgent. Strawberry shortcake, rich chocolate mousse, and fresh dango shared at their favorite café. Debating Fantasy Smash turnouts. Swimming lessons at the Fountain. Sunsets off the bow of the Halberd…

Coldness melted into longing, and he wished more than anything that Meta Knight was there to comfort him. He could use a pep talk right about now. Some reassurance that Dedede wasn’t a total idiot and that another possession wasn’t on the horizon. Maybe even a squeeze on the hand, or whatever physical reassurance the stoic knight was willing to give. Just feeling his warmth nearby would suffice really. Both Kirby and Meta Knight were immeasurably warm to the touch, soft, comforting feelings blooming in their company. He wondered idly if it was the magic wound innately through their beings having an affect on him, or if he really loved his friend that much.

Friends. With an ‘s’ at the end. Yup!

Dedede swallowed the thought, pointedly ignoring the flush behind his beak and the jitters in his arms as he picked up and reviewed his late night writings. He had gotten a decent grasp on the people closest to the Other Dedede, and while he could very well rope Escargoon in to go bully Kirby again, he figured he ought to pay one of the other castle dwellers a visit today.

The king’s gaze drifted over to the image of the Sir Meta Knight of this world, the puff’s file still open beside him. The differences were very slight. Smaller, more spaced ridges lined the top of his mask (reminiscent of the mask his Meta wore at their yearly inter-galactic tourneys), a shapely teal collar between two worn, but shiny silver pauldrons, and the titular piercing yellow glare. The deep navy of his cape shrouded the bottom of the photo, as if he’d wrapped himself up with it. His skin was lighter than Meta’s, a desaturated academy blue rather than the rich midnight blue his friend sported. For some reason, seeing this world’s version of him didn’t bring any comfort, like the Other Kirby did, but rather a need for introspection and caution. Although, that was a habit of his own Meta Knight as well, bringing in new relief the severity of his situation with just a thought or glance. Any other feelings were purely imaginative on his part. Dedede’s stomach flopped and he took a shaky breath to calm himself.

With how he was feeling right now, Dedede wasn’t sure if he would be up to facing another lookalike Meta Knight (as if that Mirror twin wasn’t enough, seriously). He could probably handle an alternate Sword and Blade, since he didn’t know them all that well, but Meta Knight? Yeah, he’ll spare himself the sobfest.

Which leaves Sir Parm Ebrum the Cabinet Minister! Why there was a Cabinet Minister living in the castle when no other cabinet members were, he had no idea, but he supposed he was about to find out. Maybe the rest all lived in town?

Shuffling the files back into some semblance of order (and hiding them in the TV stand for good measure), Dedede stood and tucked the coloring book into his sweatband. The sun had significantly warmed the sky, stretching arcs of vermilion and citrine beyond the hills, but had yet to crest them. No matter. An early start in the morning meant an early bedtime tonight. Or an afternoon nap. Tucking the pencils away, Dedede slipped them into his left glove, stretched, and strode out of his room.

His first destination was the kitchens. Now that he knew where it was and “regained” the privilege of being there, he was going to fetch himself a proper breakfast. If he had another oil-saturated, carb-heavy meal, he was going to barf. Or take a really bad poop. And neither choice was preferable.

The kitchen was filled with the gentle bustle of waddle dees, and after a bit of one-sided chatting with the cooks, Dedede secured himself a tidy breakfast of chicken stir fry, a cup of broth, and hot tea. The penguin quietly squealed with joy, plucking an egg from the carton of a passing waddle dee and cracking it over his rice. Arming himself with a napkin and chopsticks, Dedede dug into his food with glee.

Not three bites into his meal did he hear a knock at the kitchen doors. Dedede watched a waddle dee scurry up and crack the door a peep.

“Hey Waddle Dees,” came a quiet, raspy voice, “Sorry ta bother you so early, but do you have any leftovers for me ‘n Blade to eat? Sir Meta Knight burnt last night’s dinner again.”

Dedede almost choked on his soup, allowing the mouthful he had to leak grossly back into the bowl. Meta Knight? Burning food? Mr. I’m-The-Best-At-Everything? Mr. “Waste is for the weak, Dedede.”? He stifled laughter, hiding his smile behind his glove. Clearly this was the better reality if their Meta Knight wasn’t a raging perfectionist. Ha!

The waddle dee responded with some paw gestures before scurrying away. The door creaked open a bit more as Sword Knight (oddly enough, wearing green armor rather than purple) and Blade Knight stepped into the room, and promptly flinched back at the sight of him gracefully dabbing his beak with a napkin. Not exactly the way he wanted to start his morning, but thankfully there was no blue metal-clad orb in sight, so he wasn’t too worried. Clearly this excursion was a common enough thing for the waddle dees to start expecting guests at the crack of dawn, considering they didn’t even bat an eye at him either.

“Y-your Majesty!” Sword Knight exclaimed in a heavy drawl. Was this guy a snake? Why was his voice so raspy? Dedede snorted and waved his soup spoon in greeting before scooping in another bite. The two knights traded glances, clearly surprised and perturbed by his presence, before Sword continued, “What are you doing here, Sire?” There was no accusation in his tone, just pure bewilderment. It must be the hour. He wouldn’t expect the Other Dedede to be an early riser.

“Eating,” Dedede replied, hitting the two of them with a smug smirk, “and you?”

Again the two glanced at one another. A silent conversation was had, somehow, despite the facelessness. Dedede barely held back an eyeroll. Knights were all the same, seriously.

“W’jsgennabye’taeat,” Blade replied after the pause. Dedede stared at him blankly, mind screeching to a halt.

…What did he just say?

Dedede raised an eyebrow at him and then at Sword.

Again with the rough voices… Granted, not that there was anything wrong with that; his own voice was fairly low compared to other Dreamlandians, but it was just… unexpected. He distinctly remembered most of the Meta-Knights being soft-spoken, like their leader. Save for Axe Knight and the ever-contrary Captain Vul. He was also pretty sure the current Blade Knight was a girl after the last one retired from service…

Maybe he ought to stop being surprised, he was in a completely different dimension for Nova’s sake. The thought faded off as Sword Knight spoke up again, reaching up to awkwardly scratch through his neck guard.

“He said that… we were just grabbing a snack before our patrols, Sire,” Sword translated, as Blade ducked his chin, plume swishing behind him. He seemed embarrassed.

Well, now he felt bad.

“Grabbing a snack, huh,” mumbled Dedede, rubbing his chin, before shooting the two of them a grin, “And what was that about Meta Knight ruinin’ dinner?”

“It wasn’t ruined!” Cried Sword quickly, as Blade stepped forward beside him, fist against his chest.

“E’sdoin’ ‘isbest!” Okay, Dedede couldn’t understand a damn word he was saying.

“Yeah, it was only a little inedible- U-uh, er…” Sword put a glove over his face guard, and grunted when Blade elbowed him. Dedede couldn’t help but chortle at that.

“Maybe I oughta host a cooking competition and invite him personally!” Both knaves perked their heads at that, and Dedede continued, “Might bolster him inta learnin’ how to cook when there’s a prize.”

“Would it really?” Sword wondered, obviously interested, before he gave a sudden yelp as Blade disapprovingly swatted him on the arm with the back of his metal-studded glove.

“Y’considrinnit!”

“Am not! It’s just an int’restin’ idea!” The two of them must be very close. Dedede could hear the affectionate undertone in their bickering and found himself smiling. When their noise eventually quieted into a faux-tense staring contest, the knaves seemed to remember themselves and stiffened back up, facing him with a rigidity that could only have ever been learned.

Dedede shook his head at their antics with a good-natured chuckle, which they only regarded with the briefest beat of confusion because soon after a Waddle Dee bearing their breakfasts waddled in. Waving his hand at the Dee to place their meals across from his, the king mused conversationally, “As funny as it would be, don’t you think your lord would see right through it?” Both Sword and Blade nodded sagely while they sat obediently at the chairs drawn up opposite of him. The Dee set their bowls and utensils in front of them, and they dug in hungrily.

Dedede considered the knaves as they carefully maneuvered their food around their face guards. They seemed to be responding to him comfortably enough. He was worried for a moment when they walked in, but their animosity toward him appeared minimal. Lucky him! He only lamented their lacking facial expressions, if only for more insight to their thoughts.

“I doubt he’d enter,” agreed Sword after a bit of chewing, “or show up, even if he was personally invited.”

“‘E’d shurely faindawae’yout.”

“Yeah.” The sea-green knight hummed to himself, before training his gaze on Dedede again, who’d gone back to focusing on his food.

“Er, anyway, Sire.” The penguin king scooped in a bit of rice as he made a noise of acknowledgement. “Hope you don’t mind me askin’ but… Why’re ya awake so early? Yer not usually up ‘n about at this time.”

“Sure I am,” yawned Dedede, “I always wake up early. ‘S jus’ today I decided I wouldn’t go back ta sleep or nothin’. But I was hungry,” he tapped the rim of his bowl with his chopsticks, “so I came to get some breakfast. Same as you.” They seemed to take the lie with some surprise before his reasoning set in. He’d decided late last night that he needed to slowly ease people into his ‘new’ behavior by consistently referencing his ‘previous’ behavior. If he was going to be doing anything ‘strange’ or ‘different’ in the future without triggering their suspicion, the progression needed to at least feel believable. Luckily, the Other Dedede was plenty eccentric and impersonal with his employees, clearly, if they were so ready to believe everything he was saying. Thank Nova for that!

Dedede huffed and raised an eyebrow at the taller knight, and grinned, “Though, I wasn’t runnin’ from somebody else’s cookin’ that’s fer sure.”

Sword fell into guilty silence at that, and Blade huffed quiet laughter to himself at his expense. Dedede sipped at his tea as he observed them.

Perhaps they were simply playing along? The Meta-Knights in his reality were only a few treaties and bureaucratic agreements away from being synonymous with the Squeak Squad. While not shady, many of them were certainly cunning and quick on the uptake, not unlike mercenaries. Although they still adhered to their Lord’s strict code of conduct, they certainly had no qualms letting Dedede know that when all hands were down, their loyalties lied in Meta Knight, not Dream Land. The thought put Dedede ill at ease with his ramshackle act, but the knaves before him had yet to truly give him a reason to worry, so…

They busied themselves with their meals in the lull. Dedede polished off his rice, then gulped down the remains of his soup, leaving him sipping at his wonderfully hot tea. Then, predictably, Sword spoke up again.

“Y-you won’t tell him I said that, would you, Sire?” A pleading tone underlied his question, and Dedede put on a thoughtful face. Blade had his gaze trained on him too, his gloved fingers drumming silently on the table.

Letting a slow smile play across his beak, the penguin shrugged, “We’re prolly gonna run across each other here more often, boys. ‘Specially now that I know breakfast is so darn delicious.” He chuckled and gave a cheeky salute to the chef Waddle Dee, drank the rest of his tea, and sighed happily. “Let’s just say whatever’s said here, stays here, eh?”

A shaky extension of an olive branch, but Dedede really saw no better options. He absolutely had to be on decent terms with these people if he was going to get anything done.

Sword and Blade exchanged glances again, more than a little out of their depth in the face of Dedede’s disturbingly sunny expression, but nodded anyway. There wasn’t much they could share with their lord, at least, nothing beyond the king’s shockingly amiable demeanor that morning, which was hardly groundbreaking. Even still, it was very odd.

After King Dedede bid them goodbye, they remained silent as they quickly finished their meals. There were patrols to be completed, and the Halberd to build. But even still…

“You think there’s another…?” Sword prompted, scratching mindlessly at the wooden table. There were a few Demon Beasts that sprung to mind. Erasem and Togeira in particular… Blade shook his head, handing his bowl off to a passing Waddle Dee.

“Arlaird’wudda’tolus. ‘E ‘allisdoes’ye?”

“Yeah, he woulda said something, but ‘s not like he catches it goin’ off every time. Though, you agree that the King was actin’ a bit funny, right?” Both knights nodded at that. There was a note of discomfort hanging discordant in the air as they reflected on the unmistakably pleasant treatment by the king. In retrospect, something was certainly off.

“D’er p’trols…”

“‘N tell Sir Meta Knight after. Right.”

They nodded to each other, thanked the Waddle Dees, and headed off to begin their duties for the day.

—

Well. That was riveting. Dedede held in a sigh as he turned the corner on the stairs, now in the main corridor of the castle. He briefly cursed the habits of the knights, always wearing their masks in accordance with their “code” or whatever. It was no wonder that the job always managed to draw in straight-laced, workaholics, they were the only kind of people that could probably stand all the damn rules!

Not that he actually knew anything about it, a part of him thought to himself. It was all his own speculation from observing his world’s Meta-Knights, as well as their leader, which of course came with a whole ream of bias. But still. Whatever the hell they do is getting in his way!

Although technically, this rendition of Sword and Blade worked for him… perhaps he should have been meaner?

Oh shoot!

Dedede groaned and rubbed his brow as he turned another corner and went up the stairs. Of course! Other Dedede wouldn’t be nice to his subordinates! What was he thinking? He shouldn’t have gotten caught up in his old habits, but… the two of them acted so receptive…

Could it have been just that? An act? He knew first hand that Meta Knight himself was pretty slick when it came to rolling with the punches, always keeping his own goals (whatever the hell they were) at the forefront while everyone else ran around like cuckoos with their heads cut off. No doubt the same habit could be mirrored in this world by alternate versions of his knaves. The knot of worry in his stomach grew and made his lovely breakfast feel like a lead weight.

Aw, man, he got lost in the blissful idea that his poor deception was working, he didn’t even think about what it would look like if it didn’t! What was he going to do now? Not like there was much he could do. He’d just have to act up a bit more next time.

He smacked himself on the forehead and cursed again. Idiot!

So lost in thought, Dedede found himself outside of his rooms again. Of all the things he’d forgotten to ask the Waddle Dees for, it was a map to this castle. Stupid Sword and Blade, distracting him from his mission too! Grumbling nonsensically to himself, he took out his super secret coloring book, and began to jot down a few short notes. The names “Sword” and “Blade” found themselves 3rd and 4th place respectively in an unofficial list Dedede had eloquently titled “SCARY! Avoid:”.

Of course, Other Meta Knight was on the top of the list, with little bat wings framing his name. Beneath him was that scrutinizing little girl, Tiff, along with a brief description of her appearance just in case he forgot. Escargoon’s scribbled out name was next, gracefully voided out by his own perfect purple scrawl.

Thankfully, this castle, decidedly smaller than his own, was fairly straightforward. Long-term residents ilke a Cabinet Minister would probably have a suite in the same wing as the king’s quarters, while guests would stay in the opposite wing. Personal guards would also have thier residences near the king, but if he were to take a guess, assuming that Other Meta Knight was similar to his own Meta Knight, he would think the knights took up residence near or in the towers to utilize their high vantage point. Meta always liked having a tall thing to stand on.

Something about ‘strategy’ and ‘ease of movement,’ but Dedede knew the guy just had a height problem. Not that he’d tell him, he didn’t have a death wish, no matter how much he liked pushing the guy’s buttons.

Anyway, he was getting sidetracked. Dedede shook his head and stowed the notebook away just as he picked up the faint sound of humming down the hall.

Nasally, a little off-pitch… Escargoon?

Dedede crossed his arms and flexed his face muscles. He’ll give the guy a rough time or something. Maybe for not building something to beat up Kirby.

”He’s always a thorn in my side, that demon Dedede~!”

The snail in question twirled down the halls in front of him, arms bursting with a massive bouquet of roses.

“But it’s really hard for Escargoon, laughing off failed schemes and blaming it all on meee~!” Escargoon crooned, dipping the bouquet like a dancing partner. Dedede didn’t even have to pretend to let the glare sink into his expression as the other man continued to sing. “He’s truly very selfish~”

Okay, asshole, you’re not exactly a paragon of virtue yourself…

Dedede grit his teeth. Twirling to face the end of the hall, his shell to the king, Escargoon plucked up a singular rose and cradled it in his palm like a wine glass.

”-but I love His Majesty~!” The snail gave the rose a sweet kiss, and affectionately tucked it back in with its brethren. Dedede half expected a rainbow and start glittering somewhere.

Wait. Record scratch. Dedede Brain 2000XR rebooting.

“What?” Dedede blurted, all the annoyance melting from his face in the wake of a wave of surprise and embarrassment. The blush came to his face unbiddenly as Escargoon choked on his own surprise and began to blither in front of him.

”Y-y-y-your Majesty!” He cried, eyes nearly popping out of their stalks. “H-how much of that did you-?” The snail cut himself off, dropping the roses and falling into a kowtow. “O-oh no… Oh no! I’m so sorry!”

Dedede blinked at him, dumbstruck. All of a sudden, the blind devotion, the shy touches, the heartwarming concern, it all made sense. But not for him. For the Other one. The king looked at the roses, then at Escargoon cowering in front of him, then the roses again.

”Huh!?”

Chapter Text

“Ugh…”

It was so bright out here. Didn’t Escargoon close his curtains last night? That darn snail…

King Dedede groaned and rolled over, snuggling into his cool, squishy pillow. A warm breeze wafted over him, carrying a delicious fruity scent, like a berry tart fresh from the oven sitting by an open window. Did Escargoon forget to close his window too?

How annoying, but at least he brought him breakfast. Although Dedede felt pretty full, he always had room for dessert!

The penguin king stretched like a cat, sighing happily as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. It was… oddly bright in his room. Like blindingly bright.

Dedede squinted and blinked the blur away, eyes widening in horror as he took in the rows of delicious grapes he’d stuffed his face with some hours earlier. He was still here. Still on the run.

Still completely and utterly at a loss of what to do.

“What do I do now…?”

Dedede rolled onto his butt with a low whine, his brow furrowing into a worrisome expression as he looked around helplessly. He reached out and plucked another grape from the vines, nibbling at the peel thoughtfully.

Where should he go? He didn’t particularly want to leave this spot, considering the ample amount of food available, but knew that eventually eating these stupidly delicious grapes would soon bore him. That, and sticking in one spot wasn’t a good idea, although he’s probably run far enough from the guards for them to decide to give up pursuit. Guards don’t really leave their stations anyway. Unless they were ordered to?

“That Captain…” Dedede gnashed his teeth, some grape juice dribbling out of his beak, “He’s probably gonna try to capture me again. The bastard…”

Just the thought of the scrawny twerp, that mean little rat, made him roil with rage and discomfort. Not fear. Him? The Great King Dedede?

”Afraid of him? Pah.” Dedede crunched on the grape and swatted at the fluff beneath him. Both were no match for his supreme strength.

If only he could say that about that Waddle Dee. About a Waddle Dee! It was too shameful to accept.

But Dedede wouldn’t falter when they met again, of that he was certain. He could just imagine the epic battle, him standing triumphant with a sword over the defeated Captain. Birds would be singing, the sun shining behind him, his fanclub cheering and swooning off screen.

The memory of that flashing spear shattered the daydream, the blade thrusting toward his face almost too fast for him to see, and Dedede squawked, falling backward and holding his beak. He couldn’t feel the scratch if he didn’t touch it, but he knew it was there. The knowledge of its existence was like a physical impression in his mind.

”Damnit,” he hissed, sounding more panicked than angry. He shook his head and tried again. “DAMNIT!”

There. That felt better. Again!

”DAMN IIIIIIT!”

”Exzzcuze me! Watch yourr languagzze!”

The noise that came out of him then was definitely not a scream. It was just a really weird cough. Because he wasn’t scared, not even a little bit.

He wasn’t!

He wasn’t scared, not even when he turned around and saw a giant green bug monster glaring at him. He didn’t notice the basket under its arm, nor the flowery hat on its head or the baby bug clinging to its shoulder, but he DID notice the enormous pincers which twitched and clicked with annoyance and a strange, red, clothspin-looking weapon in its left hand.

Dedede stumbled back, fumbling with the words as he choked on fear.

”M-m-monster!” He squealed, a finger jabbed at the beastly bug. The beetle flinched, looking fearful as it whirled around to look behind it. Dedede took the opportunity to scoot further away and roll onto his feet, but it was too late. The monster had turned back around just as quickly and snatched him up by the scruff of his robe, letting him dangle a good foot off of the ground in their grasp.

Dedede gave a fearful wheeze as the monster turned him around and stuck him with a withering glare. It gave a buzzing grumble, before canting its head toward the grub on its shoulder.

It buzzed to it repeatedly. Dedede thought for a second that the sound was almost like talking. One of its four hands came up to pat the baby beetle on its rump to spur it along.

”Yezz, mama,” replied the little grub, as it hopped off its mother and puttered away. The big monster leveled its gaze on him again, a pair of unoccupied hands settled disappointedly on its waist, like a mother disciplining a naughty child. Not that he made that connection for himself. Dedede felt faint, like he was staring death in the face.

”Now, Yourr Mazjezzty! I zhought to azzk if you could at leazzt act vizh zzome decorum in frront of my childrren, but I zzee now zhat it vould fall on deaf earzz. You’ve been zztealing our crrop! Again!”

It… it talks!?

“W-what?” Dedede asked. His head was spinning, the green buggy mass in front of him blurring into a broccoli-colored mush. And he hated broccoli. The penguin shook his head and began to wriggle in the air. “Hey! Let go of me! Stupid bug!”

The monster huffed, squinting at him.

”Have you gotten fat on zhe frruitzz of yourr subzjectzz’ laborr again, king? Izz zhiz anozher zzcheme?” The bug poked him in the belly with that clothspin thing, and he squawked and wriggled some more, trying to grasp at the creature’s arm.

“What are you talking about!” Dedede demanded, fists balled and waving about, “You won’t get away with this! You bastard, let me go!” The basket crinkled as it hit the ground, the bug’s tool plopping inside of it as the creature’s freed hands came and caught Dedede’s flailing hands in vice grips. He whimpered and hunched into a ball as the bug leered closer again, its big, BIG pincers and twitchy antennas tapping at his face. If he wasn’t so terrified, he would have complained about how ticklish it was.

”Hm… not pozzezzed,” mused the beetle, thoughtfully to itself, “Zherre zeemzz to be nozhing wrrong vizh you. Zzo vhy…?” It leaned away, releasing his hands to settle their arms into a thoughtful stance.

There was his chance!

Dedede, unthinkingly, swung out his freed fist, catching the bug square in its pincer-ey jaw. Super Dedede Punch!

The monster roared in pain, dropping him and stumbling back to hold its face, its wings fluttering behind it angrily. Dedede scrambled to his feet, turned and sprinted into the labyrinthine garden.

Super Dedede… Run Away!

—

Buggzy Buggenna thought herself a passive soul, preferring to settle arguments or differences through speaking rather than fighting. Beetles of her kind were usually aggressive, passionate, headstrong creatures. Brawling was not only a common sport, but a staple part of their culture as Buggzys. There wasn’t a single Buggzy in Dreamland unskilled in grappling.

And she had been one of the best, when she was a warrior, but when that line of work became too difficult to bear and her children began to hatch, she pushed that life into the past. In the years since, she had made it a point to enjoy a calm, pleasant life in Dreamland while her siblings did the adventuring, the stock brokering, the prison guarding, and cargo transferring.

When her husband, her dearest Buggen, passed during the first Dark Matter invasion, Buggenna lost her shine to the glory of battle. She put up her swords and made herself a promise to pursue a quieter life of enjoyment and healing. It was a promise made with difficulty, but it was an easy one to keep. She had found in herself a wonderful talent for gardening, in growing things and cultivating huge, tasty fruit, and a vibrant, excitable time raising her rambunctious twin boys and her sleepy little daughter.

For over 20 years, she has kept that promise, that vow of pacifism.

Until now.

That… That fat little penguin ducked through another gap in her grapes, his gluttonous gloves stained with the juice of her precious grapes. He’d already thrown a few at her, her lovely hat now stained with rich red splotches. His screams and cries were grating on her antennae, and she wanted nothing more than to bend him over her knee and swat his bum until he sobbed for forgiveness.

A grown man, acting like such a child, ought to be disciplined like one too.

King or not, she was pissed, and desired- no, demanded retribution. Or reparations, if this foolish bird could grow the stones it took to look her in the eye! And how dare he call her a monster!

She’d show him a monster.

“You brrat!” She growled, tearing off her hat. It was ruined anyway. “Vhen I get my handzz on you…!” She probably shouldn’t throttle the King of Dreamland. There were a couple Allies that wouldn’t take too kindly to that behavior, but if this rude man thought he was getting out of this without a tongue lashing, he was dead wrong!

If she was less angry, she would have settled a bit more on the thought that King Dedede was acting oddly, and reflect more on what she knew about him. The king of Dreamland wasn’t exactly a rare sight to see. He was a loud and boisterous presence at every concert, fundraising event, or festival Dreamland had to offer. Furthermore, whenever Dream Land was in danger (and he wasn’t the sole perpetrator, which, to his credit, has been a position set firmly in the past, or so she thought), he was usually amongst the first ones affected, his mind lost to whatever magics attempting to control their homes.

But once freed, he was an avid protector of the peace, battle hammer in hand and Allies at his side, he would bravely charge into the fray and solve whatever issue plagued his citizens. And when all was said and done, he would be on the front lines orchestrating post-battle clean-up, including damage he himself may have done. He was commonly seen sending out teams of aid to affected regions of Dream Land, talking to the people and alleviating their fears. Buggenna herself was deeply comforted by him once, when that band of cultists invaded and a friend of hers, Buggitz, was lost to possession. They were freed within the span of a day, and, after returning home, had buzzed endlessly about the strength of King Dedede and Kirby of the Stars as they trekked with them through an infested Dream Land.

Her sister, Buggriella, had also seen for herself the king’s prowess in battle, and often talked loftily about the mighty hammer he wielded, the ferocity of his attacks, the smooth coordination when fighting alongside Sir Meta Knight in the Buddy Fighters Tower. She always spoke of the king with such ardor that Buggenna once feared she would attempt to secure an audience with the King, only to bend the knee and propose! It was a regular joke between them now to say that His Majesty would never glance her way with the “Lone Swordsman” as a competing suitor. Not that the intentions of Sir Meta Knight were all that clear, but it was all in good fun, of course.

This is what she thinks later in the day after speaking with a bundle of castle knights claiming to be looking for this “possessed” king. An ice cube to her mandibles and her children snug in their beds, she thinks on their interaction and wonders to herself that whatever magics assailing him must be powerful if she couldn’t detect it.

But it is not what she thinks now!

No, now she felt nothing but rage. That horrible brat Dedede has never fallen so far from her graces. To the stars with whatever ailment afflicted him! To Nova with his incorrigible, corruptible ass! This mess had better be amended soon, or else there would be Hell to pay!

With only a tenuous grasp on her emotions, she took to throwing scathing threats at the stupid, stupid bird for cussing in front of her children, devouring her crops, and punching her in the fucking face!

Oh, she has never, ever been so angry!

It was by sheer luck that that annoying cad of a bird slipped on a ruined grape and skidded through a weakened part of the fence that Buggenna had been planning to reinforce. And now that was broken too!

She might throttle the King of Dreamland. If she didn’t kill him first.

Dedede screamed as he crashed through the fence, then, tumbling miraculously to his feet, just kept running. There were more towering yellow buildings beyond that garden, so he knew at the very least he would be able to hide there. He didn’t dare look behind him, even as the loud, agitated buzzing grew quieter, and the monster’s voice (a monster that definitely couldn’t talk the last time he’d seen it) dissolved into nothing.

He caught glimpses of more and more creatures (which he avoided) as he ran through the towering array of buildings. The sun seemed to catch on the yellow walls, reflecting buttery cream colors into the cloudy ground. The fluff was riddled with hues of yogurt and sky now. It was almost enough to make him hungry again…

—

He was forced to take a break when his foot caught on a vine and tripped him. Thankfully, falling into clouds meant a soft landing for his beak and elbow, but it was still embarrassing!

”Uuugh,” Dedede groaned into the shimmery fluff, trying to catch his breath. This was terrible. Why couldn’t things just go right for once? Was there a god up there out to punish him for being so amazing and cool? (Probably!)

Being such an amazing and powerful king really sucked sometimes. Won’t anybody sane come and help him?

“Uuurgh… This suuucks!”

”Are you alright, Your Majesty?” Asked a squeaky voice above him. His heart jumped again, and he looked up to see a floating, fuzzy pink creature with a mailman hat and a mail bag slung around its body. Two sets of round, see-through wings fluttered quietly on its back, and two yellow booted feet dangled uselessly beneath its large curious eyes.

“Your Majesty?” The creature called again, fluttering down to settle on the ground. It tilted its head as he gaped at it.

”Huh? Who’re you? Do I know you?” Dedede growled, shuffling back into a sitting position with an arm raised defensively. The creature blinked and then chuckled.

”Aw, well, Sire, I’m just your average Mail Burt!” He said brightly, nudging his mailbag with his foot, before he blushed and ducked his head, “I’ve run a few deliveries for Castle Dedede before, though I doubt you would remember silly old me! Hehe…”

”Mail Bart,” Dedede echoed as he frowned and finally looked back over his shoulder. The giant bug monster was gone… He was safe, for now. And there was this thing talking to him.

”Er… it’s Mail Burt, Sire, hehehe…” The creature corrected awkwardly.

”Whatever.” Dedede didn’t care, and he demanded instead, “Where am I?”

”Where are-“ Mail Burt gaped, taken aback, “Sire, surely you remember the Butter Buildings? You and Kirby have your Gourmet Races through here all the time!”

Dedede jumped to attention at that. Finally! A familiar name! “Kirby? He’s here?”

Mail Burt fluttered up again, frowning confusedly as he murmured, “Well- Not here right now, Sire. He’s probably at home…” Dedede didn’t bother to wait, marching off. Mail Burt squeaked and fluttered after him, “But-! Sir, won’t you answer my question?”

”Get lost, creep! I’m busy! I need to find Kirby!”

”But, Sire-? Ah, well…” Mail Burt sighed as the penguin stomped off. This wasn’t really his business, was it? Besides, the king didn’t seem to be in the mood to be bothered right now… King Dedede has always been loud and boisterous, although he had never really seen him so… angry. But Mail Burt has heard plenty of stories from Big Poppa and Pops. His Majesty’s temper was something that was best avoided… The bronto tried not to droop too much as he began to flutter back to the mailboxes.

Back to work, he supposed.

”Wait! Rewind! Hold it right there, Bart!” A big, purple-stained glove suddenly pinched his wings shut, and the bronto squeaked in surprise as he found himself precariously dangling in front of King Dedede’s face. Black, beady eyes glared at him menacingly.

Weren’t the king’s eyes supposed to be blue? Came a wayward thought, before the pain in his wings caught up to him.

”Ow, ow! S-sire, please don’t do that!” Gasped Mail Burt, wiggling his booted feet. Agh! That made it hurt more! “M-my wings-!”

”Shut up and tell me where Kirby is!”

”You don’t- How am I supposed to know, Sire? Just go check his house!” Dedede growled into his face, and Mail Burt nearly fainted.

”Where is it!” The king shouted. The Bronto whimpered, eyes tearing up as he stared at Dedede, confused and pleading.

”T-the Green Greens! In Vegetable Valley-“

”How do I get there?”

”I don’t know!” Mail Burt wailed, kicking his little booted feet desperately, “Take the Dreamstalk! Fly! Don’t ask me!”

”Grr, you’re useless!” The bronto was plopped onto the cloud without preamble as the penguin stomped away again. Mail Burt scrambled to his feet, gasping for air as he spun around and fluttered his aching wings. Were they torn? Oh, please don’t be torn!

They seemed fine, disheveled but not broken. He’d have to have his Momma look at it for him when he finished his route. And his route! Aw, now he could fly and skip all the levels of the Butter Buildings. And he doesn’t even get paid overtime…

“That darn… hmph!” Mail Burt puffed out his cheeks with anger. That Dedede-

Ugh! Mail Burt slung his bag strap over his body from where it had fallen off during the attack.

What a jerk!

—

His encounters with psychos diminished after he left that weird flying thing behind. The only things that greeted him as he waddled to every tendril of green he saw were big spiky balls with eyes that followed him as he walked. He grouched at a few of them when they were in his way, only to be met with silence. He simply used his amazing king skills to duck out of the way and kept moving forward.

As he did so, he found that the glimpses of freaky-looking people (which he was totally not avoiding, they were just… too annoying to deal with right now. Yeah.) and buildings also began to lessen. It wasn’t long before he found out why.

“Woah,” Dedede mumbled, his kingly strut coming to a slow halt as his eagle eyes surveyed the scene before him. Slanted, yellow buildings seemed to jut seemingly out of nowhere in this cloudy, fluffy place, piled high with floor after floor until the buildings themselves disappeared into the puffy ceiling. But here…

Ruins lay scattered around him, pieces of sunny yellow buildings overrun by vines and rubble. A huge green stalk was nestled in the center, dark and imposing against the cream-colored clouds. Dedede sniffed and crept closer. Sure enough, he saw breaks in the cloudy ground, a steep, steep drop down to the earth that made his head swim and his heartbeat stutter.

“That… is a very big drop.”

The vine next to him was large enough to plant his keister on, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to slide down and meet his maker. Or however that saying went.

But he was getting hungry again. It must not be far from lunchtime because his stomach’s been growling for ages now. Those grapes were good, and filling, but they were fruit not food. He needed pancakes or something. Maybe sausage? Ooh, and bacon and eggs…

Dedede’s belly groaned with hunger as he licked his beak. Well… it was this vine or nothing. He’ll scoot down it as fast as possible.

Clambering up a huge leaf, the penguin started his trek downward.

Chapter Text

Well. There were several ways he could move forward from this.

As things stood currently, he was stuck in a sort of sick staring competition with a simultaneously horrorstruck and lovestruck snail that he would very much not like to be in. And every avenue he could dream up to get out of it wasn't exactly shaping up well in his head.

What the hell was he supposed to do?

Be an asshole, probably, but the guy was baring his heart here!

So, his options were this:

1. Pretend to reciprocate, and suffer for the duration of his stay.

He felt the urge to throw up just at the thought. Yeah, he wasn’t about to get dragged into another genre of dramedy. His life as it stood was full of enough shenanigans.

Not to mention, he didn’t exactly find Escargoon to be appealing. Which lead to option two.

2. Reject him viciously (which was also the only way he could imagine the Other Dedede reacting to this scenario).

That wouldn’t be much of a setback, if one at all. He certainly wouldn’t be bugged by Escargoon in the near future, and it didn’t take a genius to realize that the Other Dedede was the worst pick for a partner in the history of probably forever. Nova willing, he’d be doing him a favor.

But he was also “the King’s right hand man” per his actual job description, so getting rid of him would be problematic. And the idea of hurting the little guy made his heart ache. Curse his weird proclivity to protect tiny, ugly things!

Which moved him onto option three;

3. He could tell him the truth. Which was a bad idea for obvious reasons.

Although tempting, outing himself as a doppelgänger would significantly reduce his power and sway over other people in this reality to zero. Barring the possibility of them deciding to help him… Though, considering their current standing history with their own Dedede, he would rather take his chances. Which led him to his fourth option…

4. Ignore the fact the snail said anything and just tell him his singing was terrible.

Dedede blinked, then rolled his eyes.

Yeah, okay. Maybe the answer was obvious all along. So Dedede cleared his throat loudly.

“Escargoon!” The snail flinched and cowered more. “It is my royal decree that you’ll never sing again.” Dedede declared, clamping his hands over his ears in an over-exaggeration of pain, “I swear you coulda made me burst something! If I weren’t so handsome and great, I mighta needed a doctor!”

Nova, that bit was the absolute worst. But judging from the guy’s expression, he got him hook, line, and… oh, buddy, honestly!

Escargoon looked pathetically relieved to remember ‘Dedede’ and ‘idiot’ were synonyms. Wiping away his tears, the snail hopped up and wailed, “You’re absolutely right- I’m so sorry, Your Majesty! I’ll put down these flowers and get you some breakfast right away!”

Stars, this guy was gullible.

“Darn right! You do that!” Dedede replied with particularly energetic a fist pump for good measure, sighing as Escargoon slithered away, an extra flick to his tail. No offense, little guy, but good riddance.

That gave him at least an hour of snooping time. If he left Escargoon to fumble around lost and confused, he might be able to extend that to three. Although a sweet snack did sound really good right about now… even if it was probably pancakes again. Dedede sighed.

He’ll make up for the devastating loss later, but for now, he had an agenda to get back to. Glancing up and down the hall, Dedede figured he would just start going down the residence halls until he ran into a Waddle Dee or another castle resident.

As a purple tail slithers out of sight, Dedede slipped out his notebook and opened to the flower princess coloring page. Nestled between the floral prints were the Cabinet Minister’s files.

Sir Parm Ebrum

Hair: Lilac Eyes: Brown Height: 76cm

Job(s): Cabinet Minister of Business, King’s Secretary

Duties: Head business correspondence between townspeople of Cappy Town and the Great King Dedede. Advise and inform the Great King Dedede on economic decisions for the good of House Dedede. Enforce executive decrees.

Salary: 10,000ddn monthly stipend.

Et cetera. Et cetera.

Dedede remembered rolling his eyes at the man’s file, mostly at the simplicity (implied: stupidity) of the contract. The guy was paid an obscene amount for essentially being another lackey for the Other Dedede’s schemes. His pay was significantly higher than even that of Escargoon, who was the King’s Assistant. And yet, Sir Parm was nowhere in sight in the time he’s been trapped here. Must either be a homebody, or somebody with enough brains to avoid his employer.

Dedede huffed to himself. Other passages mentioned that Parm lived in Castle Dedede with his wife and two children, as well as two other names he found interesting. Two “additional residents” named Fololo and Falala.

Without a photo of them, Dedede couldn’t discern whether those two were the “Other” versions of his world’s own Lololo and Lalala, but he wouldn’t be surprised if that turned out to be so. The versions he knew worked as keepers in one of the smaller strongholds he had throughout Dreamland. He’d forgotten which one specifically, which he noted down as a reminder to check on when he got back.

(He ignored the niggling, and ever-reoccurring, feeling that he wouldn’t get back, reminding himself of his other dimensional adventures. There was always a way back home. It was just a matter of finding it…)

The first hallway yielded no results, and neither did the second. He dodged a pancake-wielding Escargoon (he knew it’d be pancakes) by ducking into a nearby balcony, before he bumped into a Waddle Dee guard in the third corridor.

It turned out that the Ebrum family residence was all the way across the castle, in the guest wing near the tower. Part of him wasn’t surprised, daresay he was understanding, it couldn’t exactly be pleasant living near the Other king, but the rest of him was just annoyed. Of course this place wouldn’t follow even the most basic of castle etiquette. Even at his worst, Dedede still bore a modicum of dignity, so excuse him for expecting the same out of his other-dimensional self. Dedede was willing to bet that Parm was roomed there while getting the job, and wasn’t moved to the proper dormitories after he was hired out of the Other Dedede’s sheer laziness.

Maybe he should stop having expectations for the Other Dedede. That might be better for his sanity but seeing this kind of representation of himself… Urgh! It was infuriating! It made him want to punch walls!

He sighed for the umpteenthed time. Relax. Breathe. Watch the blood pressure. No need to get so worked up all the time…

Stepping into the opposite wing, Dedede was almost immediately surprised by the change in lighting. And color. And everything. The cylindrical sconces had been replaced by shell-shaped, enameled glass lanterns that emitted a soft, peach light. The gentle hue diffused the dreary, eerie limestone to a gray-toned sepia. A carmine rug rolled down the center of the floor, the neat line embroidered in swirling, golden thread. The richness of color further warmed the space, adding a touch of homeliness and affluence that was lacking in the rest of the castle. In the place of statuettes of the Other Dedede were medium vases with simple but beautiful flower arrangements. They filled the air with a delicate floral scent, and coupled with the fresh sea breeze brushing through from balcony doors left propped open, it felt like he’d stepped into a completely different castle.

Maybe he could reorient the budget while he was here and redecorate. It would probably be pretty easy after he canceled the payments to those weird scammers.

The thought trailed off with a bit more wandering, and soon enough, he heard voices filtering down the hallway.

“He’s up to something, Tuff. He always is!”

”This again… We know, sis. But he still hasn’t done anything. Y’don’t need to act like it’s it the end of the world, sheesh.”

Wise words, little dude. Dedede could respect that.

”And what if it is, Tuff! What then?” Tiff snapped. The irritable tap of her foot carried almost as much as her voice, shrill and huffy, did. The boy sighed.

”Then we’ll do something, I dunno,” the boy replied, nonchalant. Pure wisdom right there, and Dedede wasn’t even kidding. The girl gave a scoff as the light sound of tapping feet started fading away. “C’mon Kirby, let’s go play!”

“Poyo!” Chirped the little gumball, and Dedede’s heart squeezed at the sound. His own Kirby still chirruped like that every now and again, cutesy babbling that always came out when he was bursting with joy. Meta sometimes muttered about it being a ‘childish habit’ the kid needed to quit, but never bothered to scold him for it. They both knew he never would.

Heh, because even the toughest guys turn into big ol’ softies around Kirby’s infectious positivity. Eh, Meta?

Ahh, if he could elbow the contrary little blueberry he would. So many missed opportunities…

Tiff’s growl of annoyance cut through his thoughts as the sound of her own tapping feet drifted away. “Urgh, fine! Wait for me!”

Dedede stuck his head around the corner to see the girl’s back disappear down the hall, her blonde ponytail bouncing behind her. He hummed and stepped up to the large, wooden double door. Of all the things that have been replaced, the door handles were still gilded renditions of his face.

The penguin rolled his eyes and knocked.

Here we go…

—

Dedede had been acting weird. There was no mistaking it. Sorta. Tiff knew very well that she had a penchant for paranoia, particularly ever since Kirby landed in Dreamland, but she couldn’t help but think that Dedede was planning something big this time around. The problem was, Tiff hasn’t seen him up and about enough to really pin down what it could possibly be.

Which was another strange thing. Usually the tyrant was unavoidable. If you didn’t see him that day, you would at least hear him badgering the Waddle Dees, Escargoon, or even the knights, but since yesterday morning, he’s been basically silent. Definitely a sign that more evil plans were in motion.

She’d already pestered Meta Knight about it, and he replied with what he always seemed to reply with when nothing was actively going on.

”You must remain patient, Tiff. All shall be revealed naturally, no?”

Not yet, says Meta Knight. Not yet! Tiff knew for certain that the knight was smart enough to see that the same scenario pans out with Dedede every single time, with the penguin going after Kirby and putting people in danger, and yet still he chooses to do nothing!

(That wasn’t true, and she knew it. But that didn’t mean the knight’s tactics weren’t really frustrating sometimes…)

Don’t get her wrong. Usually, she would be more complacent with the idea of waiting. Dedede wasn’t exactly subtle, or even smart, but this time around he was… being very confusing. That was the only way she could describe it. He was acting differently in a way that was completely blindsiding her. She was used to taunts, to his cheap intimidation tactics of getting in her face or yelling at her, but…

Dedede stood idly by as Tuff and Escargoon argued. As animated as they were, their childishness didn’t really hold her attention like their local dictator did. Kirby sat cradled comfortably in the nook of Dedede’s arm, eyes shut and snoozing softly. The penguin himself looked content to continue watching the other two bicker uselessly, his beak twisted in his token smug smirk. But then he glanced down at Kirby, and his gaze softened, his smirk gentled into a faint, but undeniably warm, smile.

How the heck was that supposed to make sense? Did Dedede really figure out what Kirby was weak to? That could explain why he was so comfortable around the pink baby, but Tiff really couldn’t recall a single situation where he was anything but angry in Kirby’s presence. The way he held him, pat his head, and urged him toward her was downright tender-

It just didn’t add up.

Tiff grunted as she turned a corner and finally caught sight of Tuff and Kirby again. The sight of the little pink boy brought about another thought.

Why didn’t he struggle when Dedede snatched him up?

Kirby always squirmed out of Dedede’s grip without fail before, but this time Kirby didn’t even protest. Not a single peep, squeak, or ‘poyo’. And while the baby wasn’t necessarily the talkative type, he certainly wasn’t quiet. Instead, he sat silently, comfortable enough to sleep in Dedede’s grasp as Escargoon and Tuff argued. And Dedede wasn’t even mad.

That boggled her mind too. Sure he sneered and taunted her, but he didn’t yell. Didn’t shout, didn’t throw his weight around, he just… talked. Smiled. Laughed. Carried himself like he wasn’t the source and cause of all her terror and anxiety since even before Kirby arrived here.

It was insulting, aggravating, and so, so confusing.

Tiff contemplated staying behind and snooping, but who would protect Kirby if not her? For all his strengths and talents, he was still only a baby. Innocent and trusting like all babies are. The gnawing pit in her stomach widened with the thought that Dedede might be finally understanding that. Like some switch had flipped, and suddenly, Dedede was a lot more dangerous than he was yesterday because he knew, and that thought scared her.

The little girl gulped and grabbed Kirby’s paw when she finally caught up to her brothers. She didn’t let go until long after they reached the town.

—

The King and the Ebrums started this impromptu meeting with tea and homemade butter butter biscuits, which Dedede, of course, helped himself heartily to.

Sir Parm was shockingly pleasant to talk to, despite the undertone of confusion and fear behind his initial greetings. His words were littered with syrupy praises toward him and his rule, which Dedede more or less ignored, as he explained his current and future projects with the townspeople. Turns out the guy was certainly earning his keep, being the main point of correspondence between Dream Land and intercontinental businesses. While his job description certainly left much to be desired, he filled in the spaces with productive, progressive work. When asked for his best summation of the health of the market, Parm shifted with surprise but almost gleefully launched into a makeshift presentation.

As he did that, his wife, Lady Like, remained demure and quiet, not unlike the stereotypical housewife he’d seen in old-timey TV shows. She held herself in much the same way as he’d seen Queen Ripple, though her placid face was marred with a pinch of distrust. Dedede didn’t miss the air of self-confidence about her, nor the firm set of her shoulders as she stood behind the couch protectively. Her hands sat lightly upon her husband’s shoulders while he and Sir Parm debated marketing strategies for Dream Land’s large agriculture. Her eyes, softened by her makeup, remained sharp and attentive.

It was impressive, the cast of characters living in this Dream Land, even just in the castle itself. He almost lamented his goal of getting the hell out of here. This place was comfortable, quiet and peaceful in a way his own bustling palace wasn’t. While it certainly doesn’t trump the idyllic brightness and life that seemed to burgeon everywhere at home, he couldn’t deny that this Dream Land was charming and adorable. If his circumstances were different, he might have enjoyed getting to know all the folks on this sleepy little island.

Even if he could, all good things still had to end one way or another. His pleasant, relaxed morning came to a second stutter as Sir Parm trailed off of his rant about apples and other fruit products to prod him with questions.

”I wonder, Your Majesty. You’ve never shown this much interest in, er, this aspect of Dreamland’s economy before!”

Instantly, Dedede quirked a brow. This seemed a more productive line of conversation than business and agriculture. Perhaps he had more to gain from this conversation after all?

”Oh? Why of course I’m interested,” Dedede leaned back against the couch, arms crossed confidently, “I’m the Great King, after all. Why shouldn’t I be informed of the happenin’s in my kingdom?” Sir Parm couldn’t quite hide his wince, but leveled a close-eyed smile at him regardless.

”Of course Your Majesty! However, if it would behoove you to reply, I was curious as to what brought on this sudden change?”

Sir Parm’s eyes popped open at the growl that curled out of Dedede’s throat at the insinuation, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed.

”’Sudden change?’ Are you insultin’ me?” The king asked, voice low and dangerous. Sir Parm felt sweat bead on the back of his head and he waved his hands in front of him.

”N-no, Sire!”

”He was just commending your involvement, Your Majesty!” Cut in Lady Like smoothly, her voice high and fluttery, “It’s not every day we’re visited by the Great King himself!” She clasped her hands and fluttered her lashes at him for effect.

Nice save, lady. Sir Parm gazed at her with so much relief and adoration it made him want to barf.

”Yes, Your Majesty. Please excuse my, er, poor phrasing! You are…” The man visibly floundered for words. He settled on the lamest thumbs up Dedede’s ever seen and wheezed, “…the best! A born entrepreneur!”

Wow. He was so moved. He might cry, actually.

”Hmph!” Dedede grunted then smirked, feigning acceptance, “I see. Tell me more, just what do you think I do every day for this kingdom?”

There was a beat of silence, before Parm leaned back toward Lady Like and quietly listed crimes on his fingers. Right in front of him. Completely shameless. Did they not realize he could still hear them? He felt like he was in some sort of shitty family sitcom. What in the stars…

”Order monsters, petty theft, aggravated assault, harassment of villagers, vandalism, destruction of property…” He muttered as Dedede’s eyebrows rose. There it was again. ‘Ordering monsters.’ What did that mean?

The rest of that lineup was… actually, he’s probably done all of that too, if he was honest. But still! The audacity this guy had to say that in front of him! Was he being serious? No wonder the Other Dedede was an angry jackass if this was how he was treated all the time.

Either that or the guy really was such a massive idiot that this kind of behavior just slipped by him on the regular, and Dedede was overestimating him again because of some mix of a misplaced sense of kinship and an inability to act.

(Not that he wanted to defend that guy, or shit on himself. All reports say he was pretty despicable, but Dedede knew better than most that being treated like the bad guy wasn’t exactly conducive to a turn in behavior. Thank Nova for his own Kirby and Meta, giving him chance after chance to get his act together.)

As if she’d been thinking the same thing, Lady Like reached behind her husband, presumably to pinch him, because Parm gave a startled squeak. After a pouting look at his wife, the man turned back and wilted in the rapidly darkening face of the king.

Dedede was almost impressed at the gall this timid man had to say that to his face. A poor time to bank on idiocy, because now Dedede was obligated to rip him a new one.

He may be charading as a tyrant (and may have a history of low-grade tyranny), but wow! How rude! Even an idiot wouldn’t stand there and do nothing!

“I see…” the king grit out, his brow furrowing with anger as an evil grin curled along his beak, “So that’s how you view me.” He stood from his seat and strode to stand over the two of them. His figure blotted out the overhead light, casting a thematically appropriate shadow over their faces. “How… treasonous of you, Parm, to defy your king so openly.”

”I-I-“ The terror in his eyes was comical, his mustache twitching like it was about to fly right off his face. That didn’t stop the confusion from mingling with his expression. “Y-your M-m-majesty, I- What?”

Dedede huffed, his smile shifting to a sneer.

“What? What are you blubberin’ about now, Parm?”

”W-well, Sire, it’s just that you’ve never really called me by my name before…”

And?

Shit, that might be relevant. Was it? Escargoon was technically a doctor according to his credentials, but he hasn’t complained once-

He was getting sidetracked. Focus, Dedede!

”Now why should you care about that?” Dedede questioned, raising a scrutinizing brow, “I’m the King ‘round here, hm?” He leaned down a bit, dominating the other man’s space, “I’ll call you whatever I want, right, Sir Ebrum?”

Sir Ebrum. Sir… Ebrum. Cer-ebrum… Cerebrum!

…Cerebrum? Like… brains?

Dedede groaned internally, and let genuine disgust bleed into his face.

Really?

“Yes, Sire!” Parm whimpered, mustache trembling and body hunched. And then, not a second later, his eyes rolled back, and he slumped to the ground with a whimper. Dedede stared at him shocked.

A few feet away, his wife muttered a quiet, “Oh, not again.”

Her resigned tone made Dedede snort with surprise and then chuckle.

”Sorry ‘bout that,” he said reflexively, “He’s gonna be fine, right?”

The woman blinked at him, and he nearly swore aloud, but before he could move to correct himself, she shrugged.

”More or less. He faints when he’s overwhelmed,” she said, walking over and checking him over. Her finger counted out the seconds while she took his pulse. “He should be back up within the hour, but…” She trailed off, a worried furrow marring her dainty face. Dedede backed away from the swooned man, but couldn’t help but ask after her.

”What is it?”

”It’s nothing, Sire.” She gave him a wan smile, “Just the simple worries of a housewife.” The penguin frowned a bit at that, and crossed his arms.

”I’m just gonna guess you don’t want me tormentin’ him again.” Dedede rolled his eyes, and continued, “How’s about a deal? I stop buggin’ your hubby, forever, and you give me some info, hm?”

Lady Like only stared at him.

”You want… information?”

”And a promise,” Dedede added, waggling his finger at her, “that you’ll tell no one that this discussion happened at all.” The sharpness was starting to return to her eye, and he watched Lady Like grip her unconscious husband’s hand for comfort.

”That… depends on what you want to know, Sire. I can’t say I hold a wealth of knowledge.” She blinked and then tapped her chin thoughtfully as she added, “Unless it's about interior design. And fashion…”

Sure, great. Whatever. This was getting somewhere. Just please, please lady, say yes.

“Everything.” At the raise of her brow, Dedede stipulated further, “I want to know everything you remember about Demon Beasts, and about that pink boy, Kirby.” That glint of distrust flashed, but he pressed on. “And, I want you to tell me everything you know about me.”

”About you…?” Confusion again colored her tone.

”About me,” Dedede affirmed with a nod. “Leave nothin’ out. I wanna hear your honest take, even if it’s ugly. I promise I won’t get mad neither.”

For a long moment, the woman stared at him, her face shifting between skepticism, curiosity, and worry.

”If I tell you… you’re going to hurt Kirby, aren’t you?”

”I won’t, unless you tell anyone the deets of this convo, or that it even happened.” Dedede quirked a brow at her shocked expression. “What? I can be civil, y’know.”

”What about my children?” She challenged. Dedede sighed, giving her a stink eye as he rubbed his brow.

”I reserve the right to defend myself, but I won’t do anything ta intentionally put ‘em in harm’s way, capiche?”

Another moment of silence. It took everything he had not to tap his foot.

Finally, Lady Like sighed with resignation. Dedede danced in a mental shower of confetti.

”Then… it’s a deal, Sire.”

Chapter Text

It took two hours for Parm to wake up. Dedede would have been more concerned if Lady Like (Memu, he’d learned her name was) hadn’t waved him off. Apparently stress-induced naps were not an uncommon occurrence.

That aside, it was a very informative two hours to say the least. Memu was quick and to the point with answers, her language significantly less flowery than expected (considering her husband). The pieces of this land’s story were coming together nicely and as Dedede left the Ebrum household, he felt significantly more confident in his position moving forward.

The Other Dedede was indeed the brat of a tyrant he had been envisioning him as. Other Kirby was indeed a baby (a baby!) “Star Warrior”, whatever the hell that meant. And, most damningly, “Demon Beasts” were living, breathing, monsterous products of a company called Holy Nightmare Co. (or Nightmare Enterprises), which, of course, was being run by its namesake.

Nightmare.

Dedede set his jaw with annoyance. That was a name he hadn’t seen or heard in a while. Of course, the Nightmare from his dimension has been dead for a long time, its soul and body obliterated with nearly half of Popstar’s moon. It was just his luck that he would encounter yet another version of the bastard, as if two wasn’t enough.

Or three? He couldn’t recall clearly. These situations blended together after a while.

To make matters worse, there was no Fountain of Dreams in this world either! Memu had looked at him with so much confusion that he almost wanted to jump out the window. And yet not a single person was suffering from unending nightmares! It was as if such a thing wasn’t needed in this reality.

Which was another idea that found him at a loss. His Dream Land was innately magical, burgeoning with mysterious energies in every nook and cranny of the place. It was rife with the same stuff that made water flow against gravity, made earth and rocks hang listlessly in the air, gathered stardust into shapes in the clouds, and formed platforms out of wind, the list went on. Granted, most of how that schtick actually worked was totally beyond Dedede. He lived around it, sure. He could feel out the vibes when something was particularly tangible. But when there was nothing, there was a high chance he wouldn’t even notice. And he didn’t! Clearly he was too godlike at rolling with the punches… or too distracted to put a name to what was undeniably different from his home.

To be fair, Kirby and Meta Knight were far more sensitive to this ‘flow’ than he could ever hope to be. Because of their otherworldly alienness, they were even able to minorly manipulate the entire current with their abilities. Well, with a magic sword and cape, in Meta Knight’s case. Lucky bastards…

Anyway, apparently his gut feeling about that larger-than-life battle against yet another ‘god or whatever’ was true… Though, he passed on giving himself a mental fistbump for being the smartest guy ever. It should probably wait for better news.

That aside, if his own history was to be used as a reference, that meant Kirby was going to defeat Nightmare.

Not his Kirby. This world’s Kirby, specifically, was going to defeat Nightmare.

Which was crazy to think about. He was just a baby. Could he even do it? Dedede supposed he never considered a reality where Kirby couldn’t win, but… He couldn’t help but think that he just happened to find himself in the one reality destined for an unhappy ending.

Of course he didn’t know that, but the possibility was very much there!

Dedede stopped in the middle of the hallway to wipe a hand across his face tiredly. That made him pause long enough to realize he had unthinkingly wandered deep into the castle proper. Frowning to himself, Dedede turned to the nearest stairwell and began descending. Might as well grab lunch while he was ruminating.

The Kirby of this world… Dedede hasn’t seen him in action quite yet, but he knew already that the kid was way too trusting. Just like his own little demon puffball was, even if all that brainless goodness and kindness was backed up by the most varied arsenal of deadly powers in existence. Which was what worried him the most. This Other Kirby just didn’t… radiate the same intense magical signature as his did. It was screwing with his brain.

Ugh! Dedede gnawed at the edge of his glove, a terrible habit he thought he’d dropped years ago.

When he managed to get out of here, would he really be alright with abandoning the kid to his fate? His first priority was getting home, he knew that, but… Dedede gave a shaky sigh. His memories of fighting his own world’s Nightmare rolled to the forefront of his thoughts. It wasn’t an easy thing to forget. The dreamlessness he forced on everyone when he sabotaged Popstar’s Dream Fountain, the lies he told to his powerless subjects, and most of all, the crippling fear that overtook him as Nightmare sprung from the Fountain, enraged and manic from his imprisonment.

Chills skittered down his spine, prickling at his feathers as a cold, heavy weight settled in his stomach. Which grumbled.

Maybe he was just hungry. That’s why he was thinking too hard.

Dedede grumbled nonsensically to himself, and zoned back into reality just in time to give small waves to a trio of waddle dees scurrying past him. The scent of food in the air eased his nerves somewhat, and his belly rumbled again. Nothing like a hot meal to soothe the soul!

He sighed.

If only his friends could be here to eat with him…

—

The sun was starting its descent from the sky when Tiff managed to wrangle her brother and their friends back to their homes for lunch. Tuff and Kirby wanted ramen, as always, but with some careful verbal maneuvering, she was able to convince her younger brother that the rest of their day was better spent spying on Dedede. After some sandwiches from home and checking on Fololo and Falala, which Kirby gladly agreed to. Mostly for the sandwiches, though.

The sight that greeted her piqued her curiosity, though.

Dad was reading on the couch, a sack of water balanced on his head and a sucker poking out from his mustache, swathed up to his armpits in a blue blanket. Mom was chopping up something in the kitchen, which Kirby eagerly ran over to investigate, with Tuff close behind to clap a hand over his mouth, just in case.

At Tiff’s amused scoff, her father glanced up and smiled.

“Well, good afternoon, children! Stopping by for lunch I see?”

”Yeah, Tuff and I are going to explore the castle a bit after we eat.” Tiff looked him up and down, tilting her head, “Why’re you all bundled up?”

Her dad chuckled noncommittedly and rubbed the back of his head. Her mother called out from the kitchen.

”He fainted during King Dedede’s visit today!” When Tiff gaped at her, her mom tutted, “Close your mouth, dear, you’ll catch bugs. And that business was all because you’re not watching your blood sugar, darling! Remember what Yabui said?”

”Yes, yes, honey. I know…” Her father replied with a sigh.

”Wait, Dedede was here?”

”Oh! Kirby, don’t eat that-!” The pink boy gave out a pitiful squeak as Tuff immediately tackled him. Mom sniffed and smiled at Tiff as she continued chopping vegetables, “Why, yes. The King came by earlier today to talk economics with your father. Right, darling?”

”Right you are, dearest!” Her father winked and made finger guns, before tapping his chin with thought, “It was an astonishingly invigorating conversation! All this time, I’d thought His Majesty to be quite simple minded but,” Dad clapped his hands together, grinning, “he was incredibly informed about advertisement and marketing strategies and even offered me some insight on what to do with some of Cappy Town’s intercontinental products-“ Dad blinked and then chortled to himself. “Oh, but excuse me, you kids don’t need to hear about that. All in all, King Dedede was simply, er… unusually bright today.”

Tiff held her head, baffled as she squinted at her father, “Then why’d you faint?”

“Oh, well…” Dad gave that embarrassed chuckle again, “I thought I was being sly but a poorly whispered joke to your mother incensed His Majesty.”

”Did he punch ya, Dad?” Wheezed Tuff where he was still wrestling with Kirby.

”Poyooo!”

”Heaven’s no!” Their father cried, waving a hand, “No, no! He just scared me a bit is all…”

”After your father fainted, His Majesty left,” added Mom quickly, with a tight smile. “And I started dinner! We’re having stew tonight, dears!” Kirby and Tuff cheered. Tiff frowned and tapped her foot.

”What did he say to you, Dad?”

”Oh, not much actually! He did look like he was going to wallop me a good one, though!” Her dad chuckled, “But I think your mother was right. Just the old blood pressure getting to me.”

”Blood sugar!”

”Yes, yes, sorry my dear…”

Tiff huffed to herself and crossed her arms.

She supposed that was… normal, for Dedede. He got bored quickly when whatever he was bullying wasn’t playing along anymore. But everything Dad said before that wasn’t normal at all! She grumbled beneath her breath and snapped her fingers.

”We need to find out what he’s up to…”

”Yeah, yeah, sis,” said Tuff flippantly, “Can you -oof- make us sandwiches now? I can’t- Kirby’s kinda hard to hold down, y’know!” Kirby squeaked and giggled beneath him, trying to wriggle out of Tuff’s hold. Tiff rolled her eyes.

”Ugh! Fine.”

“Oh! Tiff, dear? Could you bring some soup to Fololo and Falala? They’ve been sick in bed all day, the poor darlings…”

Tiff sighed.

”Okay, Mom…”

—

Sandwiches made, and a sleepy Fololo and Falala carefully nursed with soup, Tiff set off alone into the castle, much to her annoyance. Tuff had fallen asleep on the couch after practically inhaling his food, and Kirby… She didn’t feel like babysitting him alone, so she asked him to stay back, which he was happy to do, snuggled up beneath her dad’s arm like a contented cat.

So her endeavor was undertaken solo. For the first hour, she roamed what she knew were Dedede’s usual haunts. His throne room, the courtyards, Escargoon’s workshop, even near his bedroom (she refuses to step inside of it). The problem was, she couldn’t find him anywhere. His tank and his limousine still sat parked in the castle garage, his helicopter sitting sparkly and clean on the helipad beside the gardens. She would ask the Waddle Dees, but they could do little more than point her around.

When she asked Escargoon, he had only shrugged as the last time he saw the king was that morning. However, the snail did say something else that was interesting… Apparently, Dedede had been avoiding him too. Which meant… whatever he was planning was surely so top secret that even Escargoon wasn’t allowed to know? Considering that Escargoon was typically the brains of his operations, it only made Tiff more concerned that more terrible monsters were going to be involved.

Without his vehicles and his assistant, by all means, Dedede should still be in the castle. But he was nowhere to be seen. After two hours of searching, Tiff sat with a harrumph at the fountain in the main courtyard, glaring up at the castle’s many parapets and balconies. The sun was nearing the east horizon, streaking the sky with gold, pink, and red as the stars in the west began to wink through the backdrop of blue, purple, and indigo.

Just where could he be? He wasn’t exactly hard to miss. The guy was basically three times her height, always wore bright red and yellow clothes, and even his feathers were a very distinctive baby blue. He was practically born to attract attention. So how could he have just disappeared?

”And what brings you out here, Tiff?”

The girl gasped and whirled on her feet to meet a familiar, yellow gaze. A huff of a laugh (poorly disguised as a cough) emanated from behind that scratched silver mask and what fright that pierced her quickly dissolved into exasperation.

”Meta Knight!” Tiff scolded, “You scared me!”

”My apologies.” The knight didn’t sound sorry at all, if the brief pink shimmer over his eyes meant anything. “But you appear to be… in distress over something. What is on your mind?”

The blonde sighed and crossed her arms, gaze downcasted and her foot tapping.

”It’s just Dedede. Apparently he visited my parents today, but…” She thought for a moment, then continued, “He did his usual bullying thing, but even my dad said he was acting different!” Tiff shook her head, and threw down her hands, fixing Meta Knight with a pleading look. “I know you told me to wait, but Dedede’s being way too sneaky to be planning anything good. So I’ve been trying to find him all day, but… He hasn’t been anywhere he usually is!”

“I see,” The knight intoned. He turned slightly to look at the fountain’s waters. This late in the day, the Waddle Dees had already turned off the flow, so the water surface sat almost completely still, broken only by stray leaves from the ornamental bushes lining the courtyard. Tiff watched as a green shimmer colored Meta Knight’s eyes, and when she turned to glance into the pool, she saw the green wash ripple delicately over the water.

“Tell me Tiff, if the king has been acting differently,” began the knight again, in his curling, unique accent. Tiff blinked from her stupor and turned to look at him. Slowly, Meta Knight met her gaze, continuing, “would his ‘usual’ locations also change?”

Oh… well she hadn’t thought of that.

”I guess so…” She conceded, “but… where would that be?” Meta Knight was quiet for a moment, letting her think, before he spoke again.

”Where have you looked?”

Tiff told him, and as she listed places, she recalled with even more clarity everywhere she hadn’t been looking. A burst of energy bolstered her determination, and she gave a short laugh of disbelief.

”Thanks Meta Knight, I’m gonna keep searching!” She said with a wave, turning to run off.

”A moment, Tiff.” She paused and gave the round, blue knight a confused look. He hopped off the edge of the fountain and stepped closer, “I shall accompany you. I am also curious to see what His Majesty has been up to.”

Tiff brightened immediately.

“Okay!”
—

Their first stop were the gardens. After that yielded no results, other than Tiff being afflicted by a brief spell of hay fever, they went to the kitchens. There, she talked to Waddle Doo, and he mentioned that they didn’t know the king’s whereabouts either, only that he’d stopped by some few hours ago for lunch. Every Waddle Dee they passed in the halls reported the same, and when the two of them reached the library, Tiff gave a big sigh.

”This is the last place I can think of. Unless he’s stuck in his own trap doors or just walked out of the castle, I don’t think he’s here at all!”

”Hmph,” came the knight’s small noise of acknowledgement as Meta Knight, ever the gentleman, reached out a gloved hand and opened the door for her.

”Thanks.” Tiff took four steps into the library proper and froze.

Well then.

There he was. King Dedede himself, his large frame hunched over one of the communal tables, and he was… reading?

What?

No- Tiff wandered closer, astonished. No, he was scribbling into a thin book. Was he… vandalizing library property again? Instantly, the little girl was seething.

Ough! That jerk!

”Hey! Stop that!” Tiff demanded, uncaring of the way her voice bounced off the walls of the quiet space. Dedede looked up at her, an eyebrow quirked.

”Well, looky who we have here,” he chortled, with a mean smirk, “Whaddaya want, runt?” Tiff ran up to him, her hands balled into fists.

“You’re ruining a perfectly good book!” She cried, gesturing wildly with her hands. The penguin only scoffed and rolled his eyes at her. Why that-!

”Please, li’l lady, if ya spent a second ta open yer eyes, I think you’d find I ain’t ruinin’ nothin’.” The large penguin made a grand sweeping gesture over his quarry, that annoying smirk large and triumphant. Tiff’s glaring gaze followed the movement enough lock eyes with… a coloring book? She gaped, mouth falling open slightly as Dedede continued, “Unless, a’course, ya think that colorin’ pages are a kids-only event, which I’m obliged ta inform yer peapod brain that it ain’t.”

What the…? Tiff looked at him slowly, taken completely off guard.

“You’re… coloring?” He was indeed. On the table sat a fantasy-themed coloring book, something that she thinks her parents might have bought her when she was younger. And he was coloring in it with colored pencils and everything.

“Doi. Are you blind?” Her mouth flattened in an annoyed line, but she continued to take in the scene before her. The current page was open to a forest scene covered in half colored-in fairies and cutesy depictions of wildlife. He was even coloring inside the lines, astonishingly enough!

“But, why-?” She began to ask when Dedede smacked a hand on the table with a loud bang.

Tiff jumped back with a scream, startled, and he guffawed at her reaction before leaned back with a close-eyed sigh. She fumed.

”Cuz I wanna. Don’t needa answer to you fer it, missy.” He side-eyed and shooed at her, “Now bugger off. I’m busy. Got trees an’ rocks ta pretty up!” And just like that, he was back to scribbling on the page, whistling cheerfully, and ignoring her completely.

”You’re coloring,” Tiff bit out, jabbing an accusing finger towards him. “You never color!”

Nova forbid a diabolical tyrant do anything domestic.

Dedede gave a groan and dragged his gaze back to her, looking at her with a deadpan expression, “Are you seriously complaining about this right now?”

The girl balked at him, puffed out her reddening cheeks and scoffed. Snorting, he turned back to his coloring as she spoke.

“I just think it’s weird when you’ve never cared about it before.” Nova, this kid sounded so petulant. Maybe instead of de-escalating this lovely interrogation, he should piss her the Hell off and see what happens. He wasn’t sure if the library was the time and place though, particularly with the silent and sneaky eavesdropper lurking between the bookshelves.

Dedede wasn’t the most observant fella, but when he heard Tiff talking outside, he knew she wasn’t talking to herself. But the question was, who was it?

Probably not Escargoon. Or her parents. And the Waddle Dees wouldn’t bother to hide. So his options were either her brother, one of the knights, or some other rando character he hasn’t met yet, and he REALLY hoped it wasn’t the middling option.

He didn’t have high hopes.

“Oh? And suddenly you’re an expert in everything I’m interested in, hm?”

“Well-“

”You know,” he sighed dreamily, batting his lashes to the heavens, “sometimes people change in deep and impactful ways…”

“You-! Ugh!” Dedede kept a careful hand covering the edges of the coloring pages. It wouldn’t do to reveal his trove of information either. Thankfully, his current annoyance didn’t even notice. She grouchily continued to badger him while he gave half-assed replies and surreptitious glances around the room. Where was that bastard?

His feathers chose that moment to prickle with the feeling of eyes on him. Oh, yeah. Game over, pachinko.

Shifting slightly in his seat, Dedede gripped his pencil in his left hand. When Tiff stomped her foot again, irritably demanding his attention, he seized the moment to whip his arm back, flinging the pencil behind him at a breakneck speed. The near-silent ruffle of clothing and an absence of clatter followed the blanket of quiet that fell over the library.

The little girl’s eyes widened as she looked past him now, and Dedede followed them until his own gaze settled on probably the worst person he could have possibly had stalking him.

Sir Meta Knight himself.

Chapter Text

Morning came with its usual fanfare. Mr. Bright bid his friend and partner, Mr. Shine, a jaunty goodbye as they switched places in the sky, a snarky grin and chuckle on the sun’s face while the sleepy moon rolled his eyes and yawned. Following that came the twitters of Potoos and the occasional Birdon along the ramparts of Castle Dedede. Birdin, one of the newest recruits if he remembers right, crows morning muster two stories down in the barracks. Bandana Dee holds back a groan as he sits up in bed, still tired from the night before. With a great sigh, he slips from the blankets and stretches. Bandana wasted little time in grabbing his spear and hustling to the barracks.

Thus started Day Two of the Great King’s disappearance.

Junie was the first person he saw, crouched outside in the grass with his gaze focused as he filled two packs with supplies. He must be getting ready to leave with Sir Kibble. Faintly, Bandana heard the knight’s voice from further within, calling out orders to his other subordinates.

A small weight lifted from Bandana’s chest, and he breathed a bit easier. Good. They were already up and at it! All he needed to do was brief the troops and then he could set up that call with the Meta-Knights and contact Magolor.

Funny how it sounded so simple when he put it like that. He wished to Nova that it would be his reality…

Bandana Dee waved at Junie as he passed him by, getting a friendly smile and a salute in return. He’d have to invite him out for a meal sometime soon, to catch up. He missed his old bunk buddy!

Inside, Sir Kibble was rattling off locations to a small group of castle guards. It looked like he was involving a portion of the barracks to help with the search!

That was good. He was thinking of having the knight send out more folks anyway. Nodding to himself, Bandana gazed across the castle guards gathered in front of him, noting that there were a few fresh recruits intermixed. With a smile, he waved at them, hoping to cheer some of the tense expressions off of their faces. He didn’t go unnoticed, though only one of the new guards softly waved back, but he spotted a few others letting smiles cross their faces as their eyes flicked towards him.

Probably smart… Sir Kibble was always a stickler for propriety…

”Myself, Junie, and Private Corvin will be scouting the Dreamstalk today. Units 1 and 2 will search the Bubbly Clouds region. Unit 1, you will start from the Castle and comb the Fluffy Fields until you meet with Unit 2 in the Butter Buildings.”

“Yes, Sir.” The two groups of guards chirred with understanding. Bandana nodded at the lone Parasol Waddle Dee amongst them and she stood up a bit straighter under the attention. Sir Kibble continued, voice gravely but firm.

“Units 3 and 4 will be on standby in the Vegetable Valley.” The golden helmeted knight flipped his notebook closed and tucked it away. “Decide amongst yourself which group will remain in the Green Greens and the Flower Fields, respectively.”

“Yes, Sir!” Said the remaining guards. Sir Kibble grunted, pleased. Hearing Bandana Dee step up behind him, the knight turned to the side and saluted. As if jolted by a surge of electricity, the rest of the guards followed suit, saluting Bandana in jerky but uniform movement. The sight made his skin prickle, a feeling he adamantly brushed off with an awkward chuckle.

”Have they been briefed on who they’re pursuing, Sir Kibble?”

”No, Captain. I thought it wise to leave that to you.”

Right. Bandana Dee took a breath to steady himself. Here we go.

”Good morning everyone!”

”Good morning, Captain!” He held back a flinch at the earnest reply. Still, their energy made him smile.

“Yesterday, an incident occurred at Castle Dedede.” The guards glanced at one another, “Nearing noon, His Majesty, the Great King Dedede, was found missing.” Gasps rang out, and a few of the guards began to loudly protest.

”Why weren’t we told sooner?”

”Is the Great King alright?”

”Who’s gonna sign my paycheck!”

”SILENCE!” Yelled Sir Kibble, stamping his armored foot with a sharp metal clank. The troops fell silent again. Bandana Dee sweatdropped, clearing his throat and regathering his bearings.

”I understand your concern. I was responsible for guarding His Majesty that day. And failed.” The men glanced at each other as Bandana Dee’s voice quavered with the admission, and the captain shook his head and kept going, “In his place, another person appeared. A version of King Dedede from another world.”

Soft sounds of confusion filtered forward, before Burning Leo, a servant from King Dedede’s halcyon days, stepped forward.

”So you’re saying, His Majesty switched spots with another King Dedede?”

Bandana Dee nodded. “We don’t know enough to say for sure, but that’s probably what happened. The Alternate came from another world similar to ours. Thinking he was an imposter, Sir Kibble, Poppy Brother Junie, and I quickly detained him.” A soft chorus of ‘oh’s’ colored the air.

“We were to keep him within the castle walls until Lord Meta Knight returned from his diplomatic mission. But last night, he leapt from the window and escaped to the Bubbly Clouds.” Bandana Dee reached up and readjusted his hat, took his spear and flourished it with a twirl. Smacking the base against the stone floor with a tack, he raised his head high.

”For the sake of our king, we must find the Alternate and bring him back! And we will stop at nothing until he’s found!”

”Yes, Sir!” Cried the guards, followed by a chorus of stamping metal feet and whistles.

Good. By the end of the week, everything was surely going to come together. Bandana was jittery with energy and hope. Quickly saying his goodbyes, he flitted out from the barracks, eager to tackle the rest of his tasks.

Once the Captain left, Sir Kibble addressed his troops again.

”All Units will report at 0800, 1200, and 1600 hours every day until the target is found.”

”Yes, Sir!”

“Ensure all of your equipment is packed and ready. Depart for your stations at 0700 hours, stat.”

“Yes, Sir!”

”Good luck to you all.”

“Good luck to you too, Sir!” Cried Judee, their suck-up, parasol-wielding partner, in response. A few other too-happy-for-their-own-good guardmates mimicked her sentiment with their own well-wishes as Sir Kibble tramped away to wherever his little Poppy fanboy went.

Inwardly, Pixo rolled their eyes. Ah, Judee. Always so annoyingly chipper and positive… Although they couldn’t really fault her. Dream Land was rife with those kinds of people. The place practically bred them. Unlike the other kingdoms on Popstar were people were typically more in touch with reality…

They grimaced, blinking out of their daydream with a stifled yawn and shifting their plasma to at least help pretend that they were listening. They couldn’t let Killjoy Kibble know they’d stayed up all night playing video games. They’d already been put through the gauntlet just trying to sneak a game system up here, and then having to convince their starry-eyed bunkmate to keep quiet about the whole scheme? Sheesh! They should be given a medal for how smooth and slick they were. Then again, playing into Judee’s ambition was pretty easy too…

What were they all doing here again? Oh yeah… morning briefing… They let out a quiet snore.

Not long after the knight left, their fellow guards began to disperse around them, chattering animatedly about whatever nonsense “mission” they were assigned. Pixo was jolted out of sleep again by Judee, who’d begun poking them mercilessly toward the door with her umbrella. Their plasmic cloud of a body moved away on instinct, their floating hands swatting at her weapon.

”Pixo! Did you sleep through the whole meeting again?” The waddle dee hissed, hazel eyes sharp, “How you ever managed to outrank me is totally based on pure luck!” Pixo yawned for real this time, before leveling their underling with a glare.

”You’ve been here for a week,” they replied, nonchalant, “Besides, these folks don’t just hand out promotions. Clearly, you have no idea how this castle guard business thing works.”

”Actually-“

”Oh, can it, will ya?” They shot a tiny spark at her, and she squeaked in terror, blocking the bolt quickly with her umbrella. Yeah, they did not wanna listen to another spiel about how she’d be the same rank as them if she’d gotten a higher score on her combat exam.

The thought came with a roll of their eyes, and they tossed another tiny bolt.

(Tch. The kid was a Waddle Dee. Save for Captain Bandana, Waddle Dees were notoriously bad at fighting. What a joke, honestly…)

”Pixo! Stop shocking me!”

”Anyway,” they said, ignoring her, “You got our packs ready right?”

Judee harrumphed, then grumbled, “Yes, I did. We’re going to the Butter Buildings though, so I-”

“Great, let's go find that possessed weirdo, or whatever.” Judee gave them an incredulous look. Yeesh! “Thank goodness we’re in the Butter Buildings. I was worried I might hafta do actual work.” Doing rounds through the quietest village in Dream Land? Yes, please.

“Pixo, did you even listen-“

Dedede whimpered as he clung to the green vines. He didn’t know how long he’d been at this, but he had just gotten to the point where those weirdly solid clouds weren’t appearing anymore. Thankfully, that also meant that the big green plant itself was thicker and had more foot hold thingies. But… it also meant he didn’t have an emergency cushion just in case he slipped, not the mention the plant itslef no longer having the supports to keep from from swaying in the wind and slapping its stupid leaves around.

He had fallen once, overestimating how long a particularly flimsy-looking leaf could hold him up, and only barely managed to grab hold of a big leaf on the way down after bouncing on some particularly puffy clouds. Since then, he had been painstakingly scooting on his keister down the plant. He was sporting a few long green stains on his face and arms from the fall, and now a couple on his booty too.

Ugh.

He was gonna have plant fibers up the wahzoo all over his dainty derriere! Hopefully he’ll be able to find a river or pond or something to help clean up. He didn’t want no vine stuffs endin’ up where the sun don’t shine.

Dedede grimaced. He didn’t wanna think about how horrible he looked right now. But it was better than looking down… down… Against his better judgment, the king took a peek over the edge of the vine.

He didn’t… look any closer to the bottom than he did last time he looked.

Was he? Well, he couldn’t really tell anyway because everything was-

“Blurry…” Dedede hiccuped, and groaned rolling back onto his tail as he held his beak, “Ough, I’m gonna be sick! I shouldn’ta done that…!” Bravely containing his urge to barf, he went back to clinging to the center vine before continuing his trek downward.

It was only a few moments later before the path he had been sticking to ended. The thick vine he was scooting down turned and twisted sharply into the center stalk, leaving a huge gap between him and the next big vine. The trio of big leaves fluttering in front of him marked his only chance for safe passage. But he’d learned from his past mistake, he just had to go at it a bit faster this time!

Dedede gulped and looked back at where he’d come from. There wasn’t a soul in sight forwards or backwards, but he sure as heck didn’t wanna stay camped out here for the night. So if he wanted to get down this vine before the sun went down, he had to get his rear in gear!

He glared at the plant for another long moment. Stupid plant… He would not fall again. In fact he forbade it! With a grunt, Dedede threw all caution to the wind, steeled himself, and jumped.

”Oof!” The leaf bounced a bit up and down beneath him before settling. Yes! He landed the first one, but already it was starting to buckle under his weight. Dedede jumped again, slipping a little on the second leaf. He scrambled to his feet as the leaf sagged and jumped to the third, then, without wasting a second, he leapt off the last leaf onto the other vine, letting out a cry of relief as he hugged the center stem again.

That…

That wasn’t so bad!

Dedede looked behind him, eyes blown wide and chest heaving. The leaves rose back to their original positions, swaying lightly in the breeze. His heart hammered in his breast, his body jittery with energy as the king grinned at his accomplishment.

That was actually pretty fun!

But still, what a tiny thing to be happy about.

He supposed he should celebrate all his wins. He was a king after all! Of course he’d succeed no matter what. It’s just what kings do! At least that’s what he idly recited to himself as he marveled at the obstacle he’d conquered.

”Huh,” he mumbled, glancing back up and watching the leaves perk up again, “that was almost like a video game…” If real life games didn’t have sheer drops as a consequence, Dedede might’ve actually enjoyed that.

Well, then. He oughta get right back to it! The penguin felt shockingly energized after that little victory, a surge of confidence lifting his shoulders and putting a determined bounce back into his step. With a cocky grin, Dedede gazed out across the landscape. The ground was much closer than it’d been before, and he could make out groups of buildings where previously he’d seen spotty beige patches. He wondered if he would see any Cappies around, or if there would just be more strange creatures like earlier.

“Hmph!”

Like he cared! He’ll face those guys down no matter how dumb or weird they looked. So long as they weren’t those crummy guards, or that big, booger-lookin’ bug, he would be fine.

“I’ll show ‘em…” He grumbled and continued his trek downwards.

The change started slowly, but it wasn’t until Dedede heaved a positively huge sneeze straight into a giant flower cluster did he realize his surroundings were shifting. His path had splintered into many, tendrils of green feathering apart and weaving back together at random, with the large main stalk threading up and through to make a maze of forking paths and towering walls.

What used to be flat, boring green refracted and surrounded him in a rainbow of color and life. Tiny flowers peppered the bridges now, budded and glowed against the smallest vines in the darkest rooms, each pathway boasting bigger blooms loads larger than the last that quickly began to shroud the path in curtain-sized petals.

Dedede squawked at the mountain of fuzz and pollen clinging to his face, his gloved hands flapping wildly about his mouth as he spat out clumps of the dusty golden gunk.

”What the!?” Dedede coughed, snorting a ball of fluff out of his beak, “What in tarnation-? Oh…” He trailed off as the world shifted into sudden clarity around him. The room he stood in was dim, lit by glowing lamp-like flowers and ambient sunlight peeking through the thinnest curtains of vines. The floor was split in two, the cool blue sky filtering through the center gap like an inverted abyss.

The buzzing of insects both big and small rumbled around, flowers of all kinds (even some singing ones, with faces!) swaying in the breeze amongst them. The penguin king shivered at the sight of watermelon-sized spiders dozing lazily in flowery cups and web-woven hammocks just across the gap, reaching up to hold his mouth shut as he inched closer to the wall on his own side. They paid him no mind, one of them even began to snore as he inched his way past into the next stretch of vine.

The path opened into a bright, bright open space buffeted by fluffy white and cream clouds. Daisies and sunflowers bigger than cars stretched up and around him, glittering with sparkling powder. Large, round critters covered head to toe with brown and yellow fuzz fluttered around. Some wielded spears (uncomfortably similar to Crazy’s) with visors over their eyes, but most toted big tanks on their backs that gurgled as the liquid inside sloshed around. They drifted in groups from flower patch to flower patch, their chunky little legs peppered in yellow dust as they fussed with the blooms.

So enraptured was Dedede with staring at them that he nearly walked off the edge of the path! The penguin squawked in surprise as a light green vine flung itself about his waist and dragged him back.

”Wah! What the-?” He flailed his arms as he was released just as quickly, falling back on his bum and rolling onto his back with a huff. Squinting through the light, his gaze locked onto a spiked, shadowy head, and the sharp violet eyes that grinned down at him.

Dedede screamed.

”Monster! Monster!” He shrieked, spinning wildly onto his feet, tripping on a stray vine, and then immediately faceplanting into a fluff of tiny white flowers.

”Have no fear, Dededear! There be no monsters here~!” Sing-songed the thing behind him, before it loosed a sweet giggle. Dedede lifted his head and spat out petals, before looking over his shoulder flabbergasted. The flower with a face smiled and waved their leafy arms at him, its petals, yellow and red and arranged like the sun, fluttered. The sight of them tickled his memory a bit. He’s seen this flower somewhere before…

“My king, you nearly took a tumble! It’s not like you to make such a fumble!” The flower danced as it sang, almost annoyingly happy, “Not often d’we see you in such duress, but allow me to aid your quest~!”

Dedede crawled to his feet, staring at the talking creature.

”Lovely?” He mumbled, and the flower blinked, then tittered, bobbing its head in a nod.

”A lovely flower is what I may be, but a Belladonna is what you see!” The Belladonna trilled, with a flourish of its leaves, “What Lovelys have in charm and teeth, we trade off for music and…” the flower made show of yawning big, folding its leaves beneath a tired expression, “…sleep~”

Dedede frowned. That didn’t rhyme. He shook his head. Who cares!

“Whatever. What wazzat ya said about helpin’ me?” And before he could stop himself from asking, “Why would ya do that?”

”Oh!” The flower wriggled joyfully again, “But of course I’d help, Your Majesty! You saved my home from darkness and travesty. Battled our Queen who was lost to vanity, and led us all forward to a better reality~!”

He did? No. No, he didn’t! Dedede shook his head, and glanced around him. He was certain that he’d never ever even seen this place before. He was pretty sure he’d remember being a hero, too!

But this weird talking flower thing…

“Okay…” Dedede rubbed at the warmth in his chest absently as he stared back down the vine. Then gulped.

Ah. THAT was why the flower grabbed him.

It was just like the situation before, where the path curled into the stalk. Except this time, half the path curled into a dark gap in its center, while the other cut off at the edge he nearly fell from, replaced by a long line of huge sunflowers. The penguin king pointed at the dark crevice, asking, “What’s in there?”

The flower peaked around him, then shrugged simply, “The Como Spider Coven!”

“H-how much is a coven?” The flower spun gleefully.

”Thousands!”

Dedede squeaked and hustled over to the sunflowers instead, “Th-then, what about this!” The flower’s verdant green leaves clapped together like hands, its petals awhirl about its head.

“Ooh! My specialty! A song of the flowers and bees shall commence. To bounce on the beat is your only expense~!”

“Bounce on the what now?

”On the crowns and the breeze!” Trilled the flower as vines slithered from the confines of its leafy skirt, “Let the music guide you, but look out for the trees!” Dedede squawked as the tendrils that had grabbed him moments prior started pushing him toward the edge.

”N-now wait!” He yelped, digging in his heels, “I’m not ready- HOLD ON-!”

And off the beaten path he went, plummeting head first into sparkling brown corolla…

And then right back up again!

The flower watched with empty-headed glee as the penguin king bounced up and down to an erratic, percussive beat, arms and feet flailing wildly as he screamed. His volume faded in and out as he fell and rose up again above the platform. The flower couldn’t help but giggle. It wasn’t a pleasant sound by any means, but it couldn’t blame the man. Not every Dreamlandian creature was blessed with a beautiful voice like them! Even still… he wasn’t doing a very good job of progressing. Perhaps he struggled to hear the music over his squawking? Or his wriggling? Ah! Such a silly king!

“Be at peace! Be at ease! Land on your feet if you please!”

The penguin seemed to listen this time, his squealing dying down into heaving whimpers as he managed to reorient himself with his feet down. Not a second after, he began to yell again, face twisted in an ugly, angry scowl.

”Get me off of here! You jerkface flower trying to kill me!” Another half-gasp, half-sob. “What in tarnation were you thinkin’, tossing me off the edge like that!”

The flower only danced, spewing more rhymes about music and wind, like a broken record. Dedede grit his teeth and turned away mid-air. The trampoline-like sunflower beneath him seemed sturdy and soft, shiny bits of pollen fluttering up every time he landed. A low booming sound kicked up too, like a big drum. It didn’t take long before he found his own rhythm, up and down again.

”Stupid flower,” he grumbled as he settled into the motions, “Stupid vines, stupid clouds, stupid… music?”

There was a tittering sound coming from somewhere, so quiet it went completely unnoticed in his panic. Dedede glanced around, but only saw that weird dancing Lovely (or “Belladonna” or whatever) making shooing motions at him.

”Go forth, Great King! Take courage, take wing!”

Dedede huffed at it, and turned back around, facing the bouncy path before him. There were some flowers ahead without any petals, their heads shrunken and weak-looking. He made a mental note to avoid them as he took his first couple bounces forward.

Like magic, the tinkling music he heard before began to crescendo with every bouncy sunflower he cleared. Dedede quickly focused on the sound, timing his jumps to accompany the tune just right, a grin steadily growing on his face as he bounded through the petals. Other flowers, some like ringing bells and others like peppy trumpets joined the scene as he progressed, and he had to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Here he was, jumping on sunflowers that sounded like drums, surrounded by flowers that sounded like bells, and trumpets, and flutes, and who knew what else! He even noticed a few bees halting their work to clap or buzz along with the music, some waving at him with pollen-speckled gloves, until he was rife in the middle of a floral symphony!

This place was magic. It was magic! Dedede crowed with laughter as he ducked around a vine in his way, then grabbed and swung around on another to his last stretch of sunflowers. A part of him sank seeing the end, but a greater kingly part of him wanted to finish this song off with a bang!

The last beat came and Dedede bounced with all of his might, sailing up and over a barricade of vines with a gymnastic twist before landing on his feet on the other side!

He didn’t stick it, tumbled to the floor immediately after, but it was still super cool!

Dedede gasped for air through helpless laughter, heart racing and vision spinning. That was… that was…!

”Awesome!” He wheezed, wriggling into a sitting position. His cerulean eyes sparkled with glee and triumph as he darted over his most recent obstacle. Goodness gravy, that was the most fun he’s had in months! Wowzaroonies! He laughed again, holding his head. This was crazy. This was totally crazy!

This place… How didn’t he see it before? It was full of weird and strange things, so different from what he knew and yet the same! How else could he explain it all other than magic?

”Like straight out of a fairytale book,” Dedede breathed, a hand over his chest as he calmed down, “That must be where I am, right?” A weird magic world in a magic land. With weird magic creatures and even weirder magic words.

It’s just how… how did he get here?

Was that magic too?

Chapter Text

Dedede didn’t spend much more time thinking than he did resting. He wasn’t quite hungry yet (which surprised him! Those grapes he ate must have been magical too!), but with the way the sun hung overhead, he knew that lunchtime was closing in. Which made him all the more anxious to boot-scoot-n-boogie his way off this darn beanstalk.

Closer and closer the ground came, until with a final huff the descent was over! Dedede flopped onto the grass beneath the shade of a large leaf and heaved a great sigh of relief, folding an arm over his tired eyes.

Sheesh, was the sun hot! What he’d do for some sunglasses… Hidden from its fiery glare, the cool grass under him felt heavenly. Despite the coat and the bedtime clothes, Dedede felt remarkably snuggly, like a stuffed toy, or a lizard on a rock.

What a day… What a week! Just a few days ago he was off in that weird mansion with Escargoon for that silly walk the peasants put on. Except he saw a bunch of real ghosts! Or at least he thought they were real. Turns out it was just that Customer Service guy doing stuff without his permission, again! And then that darn Kirby had to go on and mess everything up. Why couldn’t that pink menace just get gone already? Now he was off lost in who knows where, and it was probably the little brat’s fault!

Or maybe Customer Service guy’s, since he’s been getting pretty annoying lately. No one makes decisions without the approval of the king! It’s treason!

The penguin yawned, rolled over onto his belly and gave a biiig stretch! Treason schmeason, he was exhausted! Who knew bouncing on flowers and leaves would take so much out of him? He certainly wasn’t expecting parkour to be the mode of travel in a magic world, but he supposed it made sense. Heroes were always running everywhere, but… sheesh he was already tired of it!

He did wonder what that flower meant with all that wishy-wash it’d been spouting. He’d rather think about that than the crazies from the castle. Although if there was anything that had the flower beat…

Dedede was starting to feel hungry again. That beetle monster’s grapes were really tasty, and so was the sushi that one waddle dee gave him. Too bad he won’t be catching hide nor hair of them again! He chuckled weakly in triumph. The tiny gnaw in his belly was easily overpowered by a soft, bone-deep tiredness of his body. Dedede’s eyes teetered on the verge of closing.

”Maybe a nap would be…”

The thought trailed off into a soft snore as the runaway king fell right to sleep.

Pleasant dreams fluttered down from the Fountain of Dreams to its Land’s newest visitor, comfort and peace shrouding him in a bubble of tranquility. He was so at ease, he didn’t even notice the telltale sounds of metal footsteps and armor clanking around and above him, softened by green vines.

Kirby squeaked as his back suddenly smacked against the floor, his round pink body rolling from his bed. Ough! He really ought to stop doing that… Dizzily, the boy sat up, blinking at the blurred figure of Elfilin sleepily peaking over the edge of the bed at him.

”Kirby?” His friend mumbled, then yawned, “Did you fall off again?”

Kirby yawned too, before he gasped and bounced to his feet. It was Elfilin! Elfilin was back! Early it seemed, but that was perfectly fine. He hadn’t seen his friend in ages, and he missed them so much!

”Elfilin! When did you get here? I thought you were with Meta Knight?” Was the knight back too? He must be if Elfy was here! Kirby giggled and pounced on his best friend’s sleepy head nuzzling his cheek into their soft blue fur.

“Awa- Kirbyyy,” the child whined, face smushed in the pillow. Kirby rolled off of him with a giggle. Elfilin huffed and stretched, rubbing a tiny paw against his eye. After they were a bit more awake, the boy fixed his friend with a small smile.

”Sir Meta Knight and I got back a few hours ago, I think,” they said, glancing at the clock on Kirby’s nightstand, “He said something urgent came up in Dream Land, and I offered to help boost his energy so he could make the trip back home without stopping!” They gave a sheepish chuckle.

”I think I boosted him too much, because I was really tired when we broke through the atmosphere, so His Grace flew down and tucked me in with you!” Elfilin yawned again, and Kirby saw now that there were slight bags beneath his friend’s nebulous eyes. Aw! And he just had to go and wake them up… Though something else nudged at his mind before he could feel too bad-

”’Something urgent’?” Kirby echoed, tilting his head to the side, “since when? I haven’t seen anything!” Elfilin shrugged.

”He didn’t say much, and I forgot to ask…” the boy said, looking embarrassed, before he sat up and smiled again, “But we can go find out! C’mon-“

”Wait!” Kirby exclaimed, waving his paws in the air, “Elfilin, you just got back! Just stay and rest, huh?”

”Huh? But I wanna know too…” Kirby laughed as Elfilin’s ears drooped, before he reached over and patted his friend’s head.

”Then I’ll come back and get you later, but you and Meta Knight just flew, like, a lot!” Kirby didn’t know exactly which planet they’d gone to, but he knew it was really far away! His mentor probably flew super duper fast across the galaxy to get home. The pink boy grinned at his friend as they settled against the blankets again, the soft blue paw gently touching his own. “You should take a nap. I’ll figure out what’s going on, and then talk Meta Knight into taking one too!”

At the word ‘nap’ Elfilin gave another yawn as they nodded.

”That’s probably a good idea,” the heart-eared boy agreed, burrowing under the covers with a sigh. Kirby’s heart squeezed at the sight, and he couldn’t resist the desire to crawl closer and give them another nuzzle. Weyo! Their fur was so soft!

”Kirbyyy…” Elfilin complained with a giggle, even as they leaned into the cuddles, “Take care of Sir Meta Knight, hm? He seemed really worried about someone…”

”I will,” Kirby promised easily, “Just you wait! When I wake you up, we’ll be having the biggest picnic ever!

”Awa? Now I don’t want to sleep…” The children looked at each other, then dissolved into soft giggles. Elfilin’s eyes looked seconds away from slipping shut, their ears relaxed and flush against Kirby’s plush Cloud cotton pillow. Kirby smoothed out the blankets near him with a few final pats.

”Sleep tight Elfilin!” He whispered, slipping off the bed.

“Good luck Kirby… Zzz…” The boy was asleep before Kirby even left the room.

With the door shut behind him, Kirby gave a big stretch and a satisfied sigh, gazing across Dream Land with a bright smile.

This was great! If everybody was back, then Dedede could pack even more food for their picnic! Which meant extra sweets too! Dedede always packed extra for Meta Knight!

Oh, he was so excited for today!

He should get started with preparations for the picnic. Knowing Dedede, he’d want to get ready ASAP! Kirby briefly wondered if he should bring a housewarming gift for him and his best friend Bandana Dee on the way to the castle. Maybe a coffee cake? Oh! How about cookies?

He settled on Blueberry Meta Muffins from the Café, leftovers from the morning breakfast rush, but delicious all the same! Blueberry was Dedede’s favorite flavor, and anything Dedede liked Bandana loved too! And Meta Knight would eat anything if it had his logo on it. It was a win/win scenario! Everybody could be happy!

Kirby popped another muffin into his mouth, savoring the sweetness with a pleased hum. So, so yummy! He could totally eat them all in one gulp! The pink puff sighed wistfully to himself and with great effort sealed the tin back up. Ah, the things he does for his friends…

The boy harrumphed and plopped the muffin tin on his feet as he shifted on his Warp Star, willing it to move just a bit faster. The air ride left a twinkling streak of energy behind him as he soared through the skies of Dream Land and onto the ramparts of Castle Dedede. Kirby leapt from the star as it poofed away beneath him and skidded into a cheerful sprint. He wondered if Dedede was in his office today. Or maybe he was in the throne room? Kirby could never remember his schedule but he didn’t mind running through all the halls if it meant seeing all his friends in the castle!

Oh! Kirby gasped. There was one now!

A waddle dee wearing a blue bandana was walking at the end of the hall, gaze downcast. He looked deep in thought as he walked, occasionally stopping to write something down in a little notepad in his paw. His spear was strapped to his back, gleaming in the sunlight.

“Bandana-chaaan~!” Kirby squealed, running even faster now, “Good morniiing!” The waddle dee jumped, startled, barely moving fast enough to drop his notepad and brace himself as a pink, muffin-tin wielding puffball suddenly latched onto his head.

”Kirby-!” Bandana Dee sputtered, though his Serious Face lifted in his friend’s company, “Wh-what are you doing here?” The boy giggled and crawled around to sit on top of his best friend’s head, leaning his back against the other boy’s spear. Bandana couldn’t help but laugh too, reaching up to hold the other boy in place.

“I came to see you and Dedede of course!” Kirby chortled, missing the way Bandana froze, “C’mon! We need to tell him and Meta Knight to get ready for our picnic!”

“Picnic?”

“Yeah!” Kirby slid off his head and turned to face him with a twist, the tin of muffins spinning smoothly into his paws. “Tada! I got us Meta Muffins for breakfast! Quick have one!”

Bandana obeyed, hurriedly plucking one out of the tin and cradling it in his paws. He didn’t eat it though, only looked at it with a small frown pinching his brow. Kirby shoved another muffin into his mouth, but paused in his chewing at his friend’s uncharacteristically somber expression.

“Bandee?” The name was muffled by a mouthful of muffin, which was quickly amended, “are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Bandana shook his head, clutching the muffin a bit closer as he looked up at Kirby with glassy eyes.

“The Great King’s missing, Kirby.” The waddle dee’s voice trembled, like a wavering flute. “He disappeared the night before last, and another Dedede took his place.”

“A…nother?” Kirby echoed, tilting his head, “Like Shadow Dedede?” The thought made Bandana pause, before he shrugged.

“Kind of? I’m not sure,” he admitted, sniffling. “I think he’s just from another universe- But,” the waddle dee took a breath, “He escaped the other night, and I really need to find him before His Grace…” Finds out. Bandana trailed off, gazing out the window as if the Halberd herself was about to blink into existence right before him. The Meta-Knights were probably well on their way back right now…

“Huh, that’s not good,” Kirby said simply. He turned away just as easily, saying, “But I’m sure he’ll be okay, wherever he is. We should find Meta Knight and see where he went!”

Bandana looked at his friend, awestruck. He wasn’t even surprised? Or worried? How could Kirby be so quick to move to action? The mind of a hero was completely mind-boggling. For him to just…

The waddle dee felt tears prickle at his eyes again, heart swelling with gratitude and admiration. Leave it up to Kirby to save the day… He never hesitated to make a move, not even for a second, if his friends were in danger. As soon as trouble reared its head, Kirby was always on the case.

Unlike… unlike…

Hold on, did he just say ‘Meta Knight’?

Kirby set the muffin tin back on his head and grabbed his paw, then he broke off into a run. Bandana squeaked as he was helplessly dragged along. Agh! He’d forgotten how strong the pink boy was!

“Let’s go find him!” Kirby chirped cheerfully.

”F-find him? But Sir Meta Knight is off planet!”

”Elfy said they just got back!”

“What!” Nova, he felt faint. Guilt fell to cold dread instantaneously, and Bandana Dee could do little more than stare at the pink boy in horror. Oh no. Oh no! Oh no no no no!

His feet soon found the ground, the weight of his footfalls near feather -light what with Kirby’s infinite strength hauling him along. Which was lucky, because the captain very suddenly felt as if the very sky were pressing down upon him. Only instinct plodded his feet along as his eyes were replaced by spirals.

”K-kirby, His Grace may not be in the castle-“

“He is!” There was no doubt in the boy’s voice, nor his body as he took turns and went up stairs seemingly at random, as if following some internal compass.

”H-how do you know that?” He couldn’t help but ask. Kirby made a noncommittal sound.

”Just feels like he’d be here!”

Bandana couldn’t even begin to comprehend how that worked, but knew better not to question Kirby’s instincts too much…

It wasn’t until they reached the King’s residential suite that the boys slowed down, tapering off into a light trot. Bandana frowned, glancing around. The last time he was here, he’d discovered the Alternate in the King’s quarters. But why did Kirby lead them here too?

He watched his friend stride resolutely to King Dedede’s bedroom door, but before he could speak up, Kirby threw it open, and those starlit blue eyes lit up.

“Sensei! There you are~!” Any protest Bandana Dee had died in his throat as the giggling pink boy ran in. His feet moved of their own accord, until he stood in the doorway, his heart pounding in his ears.

Lo and behold, there he was, mask, cape, and all.

Sir Meta Knight stood in the middle of the King’s bedroom, looking down at his protegé with a deadpan expression. Kirby, of course, was unfazed, choosing instead to snuggle into the other puff’s side as if it were his right.

With all his effects — the ebony pauldrons inlaid with gold filigree, the platinum mask, the layered armor-plated boots — the knight would have made for an imposing figure… had Kirby not been making himself at home in the man’s cape (and attempting to stuff a muffin tin in the dimensional fabric, which earned him a disapproving tut). A white gloved hand, clasped in a shining silver gauntlet, patted at Kirby’s big pink head as the boy tittered with happiness.

Despite that, Bandana still found himself intimidated. And incredibly confused. Wasn’t he supposed to be across the galaxy on some diplomatic mission to Planet Mushroom? Bandana Dee only vaguely remembered the details, but he knew His Majesty was bummed about not being able to go with His Grace. But at least the King’s schedule kept him busy! Though Bandana couldn’t help but notice that it always seemed to fill up with more events than usual whenever his Sworn Partner was off planet…

Bandana felt his face warm at the stray thought. That… wasn’t really any of his business.

But how did he get back so quickly? Was the Halberd docked somewhere he couldn’t see? And why was he here in His Majesty’s rooms, alone?

“Hello, Kirby,” Sir Meta Knight greeted smoothly. Bandana gulped as those dauntless yellow eyes drifted over and rested on him, his posture subconsciously straightening. “And you too, Bandana. I had assumed that all would be well in my absence, but it seems we’ve got quite the predicament on our hands.”

The young captain ducked his gaze in shame.

”I’m so sorry, Sir.”

”It is hardly your fault.” The knight tsk’d, glancing down at a device the waddle dee had only just noticed whirring in his other hand, “Although I was hoping this machine would help discern what happened here with His Majesty the King.” Kirby peered at the odd device, a slim rectangular box with a keypad and a pixelated screen set at an incline. Dual antennas crowned the top, with a pen clipped onto the stem of one and a yellow light flashing on the other.

“Whazzaaat?”

Meta Knight gave the boy a flat look, before answering, “It’s a Pluridimensional Canopy monitor. With this I am able to-“

“Grow Cosmic Apple Crisps?” Shouted Kirby, eyes sparkling at the imagined prospect of food. Meta Knight put a hand over the boy’s mouth without hesitation.

“No. Now hush while I speak, child,” the knight said with a roll of his eyes. Kirby’s infectious laughter came out muffled, and Bandana Dee had to bite the inside of cheek to keep from joining in. Focus!

“Ahem- The device is designed to pinpoint our location in the polyverse, and detect where the fabric of reality has been torn so that we may traverse through it exactly as His Majesty had done when he disappeared.” Bandana Dee gasped, shuffling forward.

“So that means, we can find the King right now!” He exclaimed, breathless with the prospect. This was perfect! They would leave Dream Land with the device’s help and bring His Majesty back home! And then everything will be-

“I’m afraid not,” said Sir Meta Knight, glancing down at the machine in hand, then back at Bandana, “Nothing is registering as ‘unusual’ here. Are you certain this is where King Dedede disappeared?”

The waddle dee fumbled a bit, before offering a single solemn nod, sinking as the knight sighed. The slant of his eyes betrayed his frustration, but Bandana didn’t think it was directed at him. Kind of…

“And so we run into another roadblock,” His Grace muttered, more to himself than anything. “I need Magolor’s ship to amplify the effects of this machine if we are to resolve it. Perhaps we may even establish a pathway to the world he vanished into.” The device in his grasp clicked off as Meta Knight stowed it away into his dimensional cape, flicking his yellow gaze between the two boys before him, “After today’s venture, I would rather Elfilin rest while we peruse other options. I wouldn’t want to exhaust the child further after they had already expedited our return.”

“Oh!” Kirby chirruped, lifting Meta Knight’s hand over his head, “That reminds me! Meda, you need a nap! And a muffin!”

Meta Knight and Bandana Dee stared quietly at the pink boy for a moment, before the waddle dee glanced over.

“Are you tired, Sir?” He asked tentatively. The knight huffed, and shook his head.

“Not tired enough to take proper reprieve, I fear. Worry not, children,” he assuaged, “I will rest when I am able.”

“But-!”

“I appreciate your concern, but I assure you, any attempt now would be a fruitless endeavor.”

Kirby pouted at that, rolling his eyes at the knight once the man’s attention strayed away, before piping up again.

“Then me and Bandee can go find the other Dedede!”

Meta Knight twitched in surprise, glancing between the two boys.

”’Find the other Dedede’?” The knight echoed, turning a questioning eye to the waddle dee, “Is he not in the castle?” Bandana Dee whimpered.

”A-about that-!”

”He got out!” Kirby chirped, sounding entirely too happy about it, “But it’s okay. Bandee and I will get him back soon!” At his proclamation, the pink boy turned on his heel and bounded out the door, tossing a “C’mon Bandee!” behind him.

Bandana felt his paws break out into a sweat as Sir Meta Knight’s stare continued to bore into him.

“T-the other day, he jumped out the window into the Bubbly Clouds. Ah… I sent his guards out to find him as soon as I found out! I was a-about to contact Mr. Magolor…” He explained shakily. He quivered under Meta Knight’s scrutiny until his gaze fell away to study the King’s bed once more.

“Very well… Go on. Help Kirby find him. It is only right that we return him home, hm?”

”Yes!” Bandana jumped to agree, nodding fervently as he rushed to the door, “I’ll stop at nothing to find him. I won’t fail you again, Sir, I promise!”

”You haven’t- Ah…” The waddle dee was already gone. Meta Knight closed his eyes and pinched his brow through his mask. Finally, silence. Yellow eyes opened, and a tired gaze drifted over King Dedede’s immaculately pressed bedspread. It would be a bit cold with just him there, but…

No… he could not rest now. There was work to be done.

What a mess…

Chapter Text

Oh, hi. Author here. I had the chapter all written out and pretty I swear. But then I looked at it like four days ago for a second proofread and was very suddenly violently repulsed by it. So I axed the chapter and rewrote it. But it’s not done. Because my new direction is stirring the plot sauce in my brain and probably is going to shift a ton of stuff in future chapters. Basically, I’m having a Galaxy Brain moment, but like, only for myself.

Anyway, I thought it was boring of me to just go radio silent (as I often do) so here’s some 3/4 assed doodles to tide the wait. Because I also wanna share these, but I’ve already made my friends suffer the Kirbygeddon for long enough. So it’s y’alls’ turn now.

Chapter Text

Silence.

Stillness.

Quiet had fallen over them like a web, taut with tension and bated breath. Even the smallest movements sent ripples across the room, rang too loudly into the air, and drew eyes like nails to a chalkboard.

Tiff watched the gloved fist holding Dedede’s pencil retract into Sir Meta Knight’s cape as he stepped from the shadows of a bookcase across the room. His eyes, which had flashed white with surprise, were fading back into their neutral yellow tone, his cape folding around him slowly.

“Meta Knight?” Tiff mumbled, confused. She glanced between the doorway, then back at him. “When did you…?”

She trailed off as he locked eyes with her and shook his head, a subtle motion of his mask urging her to back away.

But why? And how was he suddenly so deep into the library? He moved so quietly, Tiff didn’t even notice him until now! His stealth skills were seriously ninja-like sometimes…

The girl gulped and shifted back, brow knit with confusion as she looked up at Dedede, whose face was… placid. Indecipherable. Or maybe studious?

It was kind of creepy to see that on a face she was so used to only seeing anger.

Her expression made the king huff to himself, holding back an eye roll. Aside from his size, he wasn’t the most threatening-looking guy. In fact, he’s been told he looked quite cute and cuddly (usually by other Smash Fighters, ugh). Sure, he would rather be called regal or handsome, which he was, but y’know… he’s not above taking compliments!

Whatever. He didn’t like the idea of this Meta Knight pitting the kid against him either. And he hated the idea even more of him having a reason to.

Then again… he knew he wouldn’t harm children (because, duh, that’s bad), but would the Other Dedede? Apparently so!

Dedede’s frown deepened at the thought. Tiff chose that moment to whimper, then scamper behind the puff.

Ugh! What gives!

It was hurtful! And it sucked being treated like the villain all the time! Even back when he was a jerk of a king, only a handful of people (mainly the farmers he had stolen from years ago) refused to be around him. But here it seemed like everybody disliked Dedede in one way or another! And he had to deal with it! And he didn’t even deserve it this time! He was not happy with the cinematic parallels going on here, because knowing that people hate you for a good reason was like, the actual worst.

Basically less than 1% of this treatment was his fault, and being monitored because he’s been labeled as untrustworthy and dangerous wasn’t something he wanted to continue dealing with while he was here. Look, he was not that guy, and he would ideally like to not be treated like that guy.

Heck, part of him just wanted to fess up here and now! Anything to make Tiff stop looking at him like he was about to explode, or to make Meta Knight stop holding his damn sword beneath his cape.

Yeah, he saw that! Paranoid little powder puff…

Blue eyes darted between the two of them, narrowing in the face of abject wariness and distrust. So, was this it? Was this the end of his stage play?

He didn’t think so. Not quite yet anyway. He could probably get out of this. It was just a pencil after all. A pencil going breakneck speeds towards someone’s eye.

Though, honestly, what was he thinking, taking a shot in the dark like that? Even an idiot would know that playing the fool was always the safer option. But he’s been here two days and, darn it. He misses home, he’s in an unfamiliar place, he’s stressed out trying to find out how to get back, couldn’t he be forgiven for being a little reactive?

Dedede tried not to let his nervousness show, maintaining his glare at the blue knight instead. Inside, he was shaking. He could count in his flippers the amount of times he actually beat Meta Knight in a duel (genuinely, a pitiful two victories), and he wasn’t too enamored with the idea of trying his luck again here. Completely weaponless might he add. Which reminded him actually… he ought to request a hammer for himself. Maybe he could get Escargon or the Dees to make him one?

He grunted and propped his head up with his fist, raising a cocky brow at the knight who continued to silently observe him. That being said, he ought to get out of this sitch first. Preferably without being marked as a threat for the foreseeable future, though he had a feeling that was a bit too optimistic.

A bit too annoyed to make miracles happen, he was.

“Sneaky one ain’t ya, eh, Metal Head?” Dedede snarked with a curl of his beak, “Why don’tcha tell me why you’re out ‘n about stalking me, before I decide to oust ya fer treason?”

“Hey! You can’t do that!” Tiff all but shouted, drawing both of their eyes. She faltered at the attention, but barreled forward still, “Sir Meta Knight was just walking me to the library!” The king snorted, looking down his beak at her.

“First thing’s first, girlie: I didn’t ask you. Secondly, how would Sir Meta Knight,” he replied with all the mockery he could muster, “emerge all creepy-like from the darkness if he was with you? And before ya open your big bossy mouth again, why don’t you wait yer turn an’ let the man actually answer my question, yeah?” Dedede allowed himself a satisfied sneer as Tiff seethed at him, but remained silent. The Other Meta Knight only watched, almost completely, eerily still. He was motionless, but Dedede still felt the weight of his eyes, cold and prickling. Almost tangible, and yet strangely… familiar?

He tried not to be intimidated by the statuesque display, but he couldn’t help but be thankful that for all his own knight’s feistiness, at least the guy was lively. He did have to say, though, that this one didn’t emanate the same unsettling otherworldly Presence that his did…

He’ll unbox that thought later though. He’d rather not creep himself out this late in the day.

With two sets of eyes settling upon him, finally, a voice emanated from the mask, “I can confirm, Sire, that I had been escorting Tiff to the library, and nothing else.”

Dedede’s thoughts careened to a halt, complete with record-scratching and car crashing noises.

”However I couldn’t help but notice that your reflexes have sharpened, Sire.” The unknown voice continued suddenly, the sound coupled with two decisive — threatening — clicks of metal shoes in his direction, “I must say, it’s quite unnatural, no?”

Whatever angle the Other Meta Knight was trying to work was completely lost on him. No, Dedede was definitely a bit distracted right now. Jerkily, he looked around the room, searching for who in the name of Nova said that. His eyes refocused, and fell onto a seemingly impassive yellow gaze. The only other man in the room. The only possible culprit.

What.

Wait… What?

What the f-

Dedede shook his head, thoroughly breaking character for a moment to stare.

What in the name of Nova was that?

No way he heard that right. He squeaked his finger in his earhole and prayed to Nova he didn’t just spontaneously lose his mind. Why was he imagining a swanky guitar riff in his head? What the Hal was going on right now?

A quick breath and swipe of his hand over his face, Dedede openly gaped. Gone was his defensive position as he rubbed a finger in his ear, and said, “Hey- uh- Hold the phone. You wanna run that by me again, Metal Head?”

Sir Meta Knight was silent again, stiff and motionless as a rock. Behind, Tiff scoffed, offended for him.

”He said-“

”No, no!” The king cut-in, waggling a finger at her. His tone had evened, almost unnaturally serious. His gaze, which had seconds ago glittered with mean amusement, was pin-sharp and focused. The very air around him seemed to settle into stagnancy. “Not you. You.” His gloved finger leveled on the knight, who twitched back on reflex. “What’d you say?”

(Don’t change the subject, was what the knight wanted to reply, but in quiet alarm he bowed to the king’s question.)

“I…” The stoic man seemed to hesitate, his cape shifting suspiciously as he hastily backtracked, “Ahem. My apologies, Your Majesty, I’m afraid I misspoke.”

Okay.

Okay!

He wasn’t crazy. The Other Meta Knight just had a swaggy Vegetable Valley accent.

That’s normal. Dedede could be normal about this.

He was absolutely not thinking about his Meta Knight in his dumb cowboy get-up from their day trips to Merry Magoland, nor the VeValley accent he always adopted that was a near-perfect rendition of this Meta Knight’s… Nope! No sirree!

“Snrk!”

The king made an odd noise, somewhere between a squawk and a laugh, before he whipped back to the table and hunched in on himself, a hand clapped over his mouth. Nova, save him. He was about to laugh in the poor man’s face for probably the dumbest reason ever. Get it together, Dedede! You have to be in King Mode!

Tiff inched forward, curiosity mounting, but Meta Knight’s arm quickly slipped from his cape to shoo her off. His gaze was fixed on the king, laser-focused on his huge, trembling shoulders.

Was he… laughing? At what? Tiff glanced between Sir Meta Knight and King Dedede again, mouth thinning into an unhappy line. Dedede has always been unpredictable to her, and this moment right now was only multiplying that belief tenfold. The guy was mean, corrupt, and just totally evil! And while that hasn’t necessarily changed, per say, something else was different.

For years, Tiff’s typical inclination towards anything “Dedede” has been to just badger him and take everything he said with a grain of salt. Arguments usually ended with one of them storming away, and plans being made to fight/protect Kirby. But recently… She couldn’t help but feel threatened by everything. Like the mild annoyance and childish antics Dedede embodied were suddenly put in new relief. And he hasn’t even done anything yet! She just knew something was coming…

Grr! She'll think about it later, she decided as she nibbled the inside of her cheek, huffing when Dedede finally collected himself from whatever weird fit he fell into. Only a few wheezing giggles managed to break loose as Dedede straightened his posture and slid from his chair, flipping his coloring book shut as he went.

(The slim volume refused to shut, and some of the sheets looked like they were about to fall out. Dedede’s hand tucked them back in, and held the cover shut, as if nothing was awry.)

”Well! This was fun an’ all, folks but I think you’ve overstayed yer welcome.” That shiny, mean look was back, the king’s large gloved fists settling at his sides, “I gotta say, I’m surprised at you, Meta Knight! Ya don’t usually stick yer nose into things. That is, if ya even have one.”

“My curiosity was born out of concern for my king, of course. My sincerest apologies for overstepping, Sire,” replied the knight quickly as he tipped his head downward in a demure fashion. Dedede wrinkled his brow at the gesture. He didn’t buy that for a second.

Meta Knight’s tone was impartial, not exactly bereft of sincerity but certainly not a great bearer of it, meaning he actually didn’t give one hoot about the king’s safety. Dedede huffed. Typical sneaky bastard… The bowing would probably work on the Other Dedede, but he knew an act when he saw one. And he wanted this guy to give him some space.

It’s become immensely clear at this point that the eyes that have been following him everywhere have been the very same eyes locked on him now. And that was a kind of invasive that pissed him off.

Would this one try to overthrow him too?

Tch, yeah right.

Dedede shook the thought away. With the history of terrorism the Other Dedede had, Meta Knight would have already, if he had the means. For some reason laying low was the option he chose, the same one his own Meta took until his first contract expired. He wondered, not for the first time, why that was. Gazing at the scuffed pauldrons and mask, the distinct lack of a Halberd and subordinates beyond Sword and Blade, he’d wager that the Other Meta Knight was hiding from something. Really, it wasn’t until Kirby defeated the Nightmare of their reality that his Meta started acting out at all. Maybe the same storyline would play out here?

Whatever the case, it was better to be safe than sorry. What better way to get someone to shove off than to assert your dominance?

Operation: Mean Mug Meta Knight is a’movin’! Let’s hope he doesn’t get skewered…

”Of course,” the king echoed, his smirk falling to something a bit more derisive and pretentious, “also, I noticed ya never gave me back my pencil, Sir. I hope ya don’t blame me… fer wantin’ to protect myself from attack.”

Those eyes flashed white again as Meta Knight quickly looked up at him, clearly taken aback by the accusation. Weird. His jerky reaction was akin to surprise, but the eye change was… confusing to say the least. His own Meta Knight’s eyes changed color too, but only whenever he was using his abilities… He’ll note that in his book later.

”I would never attack you, Sire,” the knight insisted, and as earnest the reply sounded, Dedede knew for a fact that there were exceptions to it left unsaid. The king’s gaze narrowed just a bit more.

”The pencil, Meta Knight.”

Wordlessly, the knight freed it from the confines of his cape and offered it forward. Dedede took the opportunity to get closer, his much larger hand enveloping both the item and the gloved paw of the smaller warrior. His grip was not quite crushing, but strong enough to make the knight inhale sharply as the King leaned forward, his beak nearly colliding with the other man’s mask.

”Hey!” Tiff protested sharply. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that she’d settled into that fighter’s stance again, but otherwise remained motionless. Good. This didn’t have to involve her, and really, Dedede would rather it didn’t

”I’d watch yerself if I were you, Metal Head. And that little girl too, if ya know what’s good for her,” he growled, too quiet for the child to hear. He didn’t want to scare Tiff (at least, too badly), but this nosy little knight seriously needed to back off. Good guy or not, Dedede didn’t like his space being intruded on by strangers. Granted, threatening the guy was most definitely the opposite of what he wanted to do, but how else was he going to get him to shove off for a while? Besides, it would be dishonorable to attack an unarmed civilian, much less the king you worked for. He could get away with a few mean words, right? He only hoped this Meta Knight was a tad more faithful to the Code (again, whatever the Hal that was). In his experience, most knights weren’t above acting like little bastards every now and again.

”Yes, Sire,” the knight said, his voice frigid. Hints of orange and red licked at the borders of the puff’s eyes, but ultimately cooled again to their passive yellow color.

Was that… normal? This guy wasn’t possessed or anything, right? Dedede felt a cold sweat wash over the back of his neck, but loosened his grip and stood back as Meta Knight quickly put distance between them. Tiff was at his side in a flash, even going so far as to stand in front of him protectively.

Smart and overly kind. Internally, Dedede sighed. That kid was going to get into a lot of trouble… Oh, Nova.

”Good. Now both a ya’s, git!” The king sauntered back to his chair while shooing at them. Obediently, the two made for the exit. Though, a stray thought hit him right before they disappeared from view.

It wouldn’t really do to end this on a sour note. It’d taken him a long time to learn that burning bridges wasn’t a viable way to rule, and that lying was more often than not a dangerous stance to maintain. And his act wasn’t really paying him any dividends at this point. If Meta Knight and Tiff were the smartest of the bunch here, and on the titular “good guy” side… Dedede rubbed the underside of his beak a bit as the knight reached for the door handle, before sighing loudly.

“Meta Knight. C’mere a sec ‘fore ya go.”

From the threshold, he heard Tiff groan and grumble, “What does he want now?” The knight gently hushed her, and with three decisive clicks of his metal boots, he stood at address again. Dedede flicked his eyes between him and the doorway then motioned the puff closer as he leaned his arms against the table and crossed his hands over the book.

“Listen, buddy,” he said, voice scarcely over a whisper, “I don’t much appreciate either of you sneaking and stalking around. ‘S not a good look for the Head Knight, who’s job description only covers protectin’ me when requested, nor is it safe for her to be pokin’ around where she shouldn’t. Don’tcha think so?”

The Other Meta Knight only stared for a while. Dedede kept his focus on his eyes, watching them shimmer with strands of white before returning to a flat color. It’d be very useful to gauge the man’s reactions if he keyed out those color shifts. He was fairly confident they correlated to his emotions, which was quite convenient considering this guy’s modus operandi of motionlessness.

Finally, he spoke.

“What… are you requesting, Sire?”

Dedede steepled his gloves, leaning his beak against the tips of his flippers. Tiff was still sulking near the door, her head tilted toward them to try and listen in.

Pft. She wasn’t even trying to hide it at all… Dedede couldn’t help but smile a bit as he shook his head.

”I want you to stop following me around. If you want to know what I’m doing, just ask. But no more of this…” He waved a hand aimlessly, “‘spying on me from a distance’ schtick.”

“Sire, I’m afraid I don’t-“ The knight tried, but fell silent at the raising of Dedede’s hand.

“Nuh uh, don’t even try it,” the king deadpanned, “I can literally feel when yer eyes are on me. I’m up to three separate occasions in the last two days alone, hm?”

Meta Knight had nothing to say to that. Tch. Dedede continued with an indignant sniff.

“Second, I don’t want those kids sticking their noses into business that ain’t theirs.” He flattened his palms against the table, sitting up a bit straighter, “And I want you to be a little more present when it comes ta tellin’ ‘em rascals to shove off when there’s trouble, hm?”

Was it just him, or was he sounding like an overworked mother right now? Nova, he needed to go home.

Meta Knight shifted on his feet. Licks of green began to edge his eyes.

”I am sorry to say that I cannot control the curiosity of children, Sire,” he intoned slowly. His words were… careful.

”I don’t expect ya to. Kids will be kids after all,” Dedede acquiesced, an edge coming to his voice as he continued. “But as one o’ the figures of protection an’ authority in this castle, I don’t think lettin’ them walk right into danger is very responsible of you.” Seriously, was this guy an adult or what? The only reason he and his Meta Knight let Kirby do anything was because Kirby could beat the stuffing out of both of them!

”What danger?” Asked the Other Meta Knight, seemingly confused.

”The-“ Dedede cut himself off, clicking his beak shut to frown at the knight. He was about to say ‘the Demon Beasts’ but considering the Other Dedede was the direct cause of them, the whole thing would end up sounding like a confession. And, obviously the guy was just trying to bait that out of him, the bastard. So he cleared his throat and tried again, “There are simply things that children shouldn’t be involved with, of course. Keep ‘em outta my feathers, and we should be good. Got it?” The prickly feeling of eyes lessened as he kept talking, though Meta Knight was still looking at him. Maybe he was getting bored?

That’s probably a good thing, but Dedede still felt a bit offended. Honestly, the guy makes a whole show about stepping out from the darkness — oooh, scary — and now he has the audacity to all but yawn in front of him? What a jerk! He is not the main character here.

”I understand, Sire,” the knight said. Nova, he even sounded bored. Dedede grumbled to himself.

“Good. Now git. I don’t wanna see yer dumb head for the rest of today.”

”Have a good evening, Sire.”

”Yeah, yeah…”

Of all the information (both useless and not) that Lady Like had on the denizens of Dreamland (which, he’d found, was one word in this reality and not two), her information on Meta Knight was sorely lacking.

She said he was a veteran soldier, affiliated with the Galaxy Soldier Army (whatever that was). A dutiful knight and a kind leader, and that he was often seen taking up the work of his lessers, Sword and Blade, when it came to doing patrols (which was weird for several reasons). A talented swordsman wielding a golden blade, which was most likely this reality’s Galaxia. Mechanically inclined, and a patient, yet strict, tutor to Tiff in martial arts.

Other than that? Nothing. Zip. Zero.

Well, and he was apparently a poor cook, which he still thought was hilarious. Not like that information was going to be helpful anytime soon. Particularly not now, sitting in the sweet silence of the library with a heart palpitating so hard he couldn’t even enjoy some hard-won tranquility.

This was Meta Knight. Full italics because just the name itself meant business. He wouldn’t expect a Dreamlandian citizen to demand a duel over a spot at the beach, but he would if it was freaking Meta Knight!

It wasn’t two seconds after Dumb and Dumber left that Dedede began sweating bullets again.

He buried his head in his hands and let out a low whine.

How the Hal did he just get through that?

“Ouuugh… I hate this, I hate this.” His arms flopped on the table as he draped his full body over his book.

That was really stressful, but mildly informative. He knew a bit more about this world’s Meta Knight and Tiff, and maybe planted the seeds of a future allyship! Nova knew he was going to need it, and considering the nature of his journey to return home… He was probably going to be butting heads with that guy a lot more often than he would like.

Which was another point of contention! Ugh! Wasn’t he just thinking yesterday that he wouldn’t be able to handle seeing another Meta Knight? Not even for any real reason other than how freaking lonely he was stranded by himself in another dimension.

Okay, he had to give himself a break. That was a pretty good reason to be butthurt. But not! Like! This! Even now he could feel his heart seizing up at seeing his dearest friend and only feeling like he was talking to a stranger. The stoicness, he was used to. The nonplussed, emotionless body language, a little less so! But the prickly feeling of danger, danger? The gulf of unknown as he beheld a lie and a truth set into the same face? The sinking coldness that swamped him as he looked into eyes that were supposed to be familiar, and saw that he could never be more far away?

He couldn’t remember the last time he hated being around Meta Knight. Even when they inevitably argued, he had only ever felt warm, felt full, if a bit incensed at times.

But this… this brought back a lot. A lot.

Gooseflesh made his feathers stand on end as a sudden chill skittered over his spine. He tried to ignore the tears stinging at his eyes and blurring his vision, and when that failed, he gave a frustrated grunt and flopped his sleeve over his eyes.

Damn it all. Hopefully no one came in here in the next hour or so, because… because… Dedede grit his teeth and sucked in a shaky breath as he stood up, strode to the double doors and locked the handles.

There.

That should give him a shred of privacy. At least for a few hours.

He didn’t bother moving back to his chair, just sat and splayed himself out on the floor.

He just… needed a moment…

It was late by the time he shuffled out of the library, exhausted and hungry. His little sobfest had him sporting a brand spanking new headache, and he was eager to get to the kitchens to wean a bit of it off with some hot ginger tea and rice porridge. His feet knew the way to the kitchens by now, ever the quick learners when food was involved, so he found himself knocking at the humble oak doors within moments.

Only to be shuffled inside and fussed over by a hilariously concerned Captain Waddle Doo.

Really, he didn't think he could get used to the guy’s insanely deep voice, but at that moment, he found he didn’t mind too much. Not when he was feeling so down and he and the Dees were being so kind.

So he let himself be pampered and fussed over, sipping his tea quiet as a mouse as the Dees pitter-pattered around him. Despite their muteness, he felt comforted by the sound of their bustling.

Of all the similarities this world boasted, it wasn’t all that surprising that amongst the Dees was where he felt most at home. And he was more than glad to have this respite, at the very least.

“Sorry if I worried you lot,” Dedede rumbled, “It’s just been a long day is all…”

“No trouble here, Sire!” Piped Waddle Doo, “It’s our duty to look after you!”

“Still…”

“It’s our pleasure, we promise!”

Dedede jumped at the feeling of his side being patted gently. Looking down, he chuckled seeing two waddle dees, one balanced on top of the other, reaching up to comfort him. So cute! Waddle dees are really the greatest blessing in the universe…!

The king gave the waddle dee a pat on the head, and thanked them softly, only to startle again as the dee jumped off their friend’s head and was replaced by another, one that also waved its little nubs for attention.

Well! This certainly looked familiar!

Dedede couldn’t help but loose another laugh as he patted the head of this one too! And then the next, and then the next, and then the next after that. Ah, waddle dees never changed huh? If you give one of them snuggles, you gotta give them all some!

By the end of the line of head pats, Dedede was feeling a million times better. His headache still protested, but his heart was at ease again, and the smile came naturally to his beak as he looked around, eyes becoming a bit foggy once more.

Dedede slipped from his chair and dipped his body in a grateful bow.

“Thank you,” he said in Dreamlandian, blue gaze sparkling. Then again in Common, “Thank you so much…” The Dees all glanced at one another, astonishment shining in their eyes. Slowly, in unison, they waved their nubs in sign.

“‘We will always care for you, Sire’” Doo translated, his voice a little more wobbly than usual, “And I will too!”

“I’m glad,” Dedede said honestly, “I feel a lot better knowing how much you all care about me. I promise to do better, as your king and family, to take care of you all too.”

Doo gave the loudest, wettest sniff he’d ever heard in his life, and looking over at him, Dedede almost regretted being so sappy just now. The guy’s enormous eye was drooling tears. There was already a puddle beneath his feet.

“Siiire…”

Oh bother.

“Oh, c’mere, Waddle Doo,” the king said, opening his arms wide, “Dees! Let’s all cuddle this big ol’ baby.”

The room filled with soft squeaks and his laughter, and everything felt just a bit lighter again.

Chapter Text

He knew he’d slept in too long when he woke up to Escargoon’s nasally voice hollering outside his bedroom door, a stark difference to the quiet, almost timid knocking resonating through the oak wood. Dedede groaned to himself, rolling over onto his belly. He should… probably get up.

But he was so tired! How was he supposed to know what time it was after cuddling all the Dees?

In his opinion, Time should have taken a break, since that moment was so precious and all. He would’ve liked to get a full eight hours of sleep AND snuggles, thank you very much! If only it worked like that, ha…

“Siiire!”

Oh Nova, it was too early for any of that.

“Come iiin.” The door clicked open, and Dedede heard the squeaks of trolley wheels accompany the rasp of Escargoon’s slithering. He suppressed a shudder. What was he, a snake? What does one even call the thing that snails do? It’s ‘slither,’ right? Or maybe slink? Even though he’s got a shell, it’s not like the guy leaves a trail — thankfully — which is like, a prime characteristic of snails as far as he knew, so was this guy like a snake/snail hybrid? A snaik? A snale? Dedede’s eyes slid shut, lulled by his own nonsense.

“Sorry for not being around yesterday!” Dedede didn’t even notice him absent honestly, not that he was used to the guy in the first place. “Since, ah, you seemed busy, I figured ya wanted alone time. Weirdly enough.”

That last part he muttered to himself, but Dedede heard him anyway. He elected to ignore the snide remark, moving to sit up and yawn instead.

“Very astute. Gold star,” he rumbled, rubbing the sleepys from his eyes. Dedede curled up like a cat, folding nearly in half as he reached out past his feet. His back popped and he groaned, slumping over like he’d died. Ah, these blankets felt extra comfy today. If nothing else, the Other Dedede had a really nice bed… Zzz…

Escargoon huffed as the king began to doze again, buried in his blankets like a bird in its own downy nest. Though he supposed the comparison wouldn’t be all that far off from reality considering…

Amused and a little incredulous, the snail had to tear his eyes away from the adorable sight to focus on setting up the king’s breakfast.

He’s been feeling like that a lot lately. A weird mix of buttery-lightness, sprinkled with pleasant surprise, and familiar, frigid dread. Which, frankly, a big part of him would rather deal with over the soft, fluttery feelings that always rear their heads whenever the king treats him nicely. Though he couldn’t say they weren’t enjoyable…

Escargoon ‘eep’d as his wandering hands brushed the too-hot tea service the kitchen staff had prepared that morning, hissing quietly while he pulled it to his chest. His hand and his cheeks burned, as he busied himself with cooling the sore spot with a water-soaked napkin. One would think that might have taught him a lesson in awareness, but his mind has been abuzz for days now. And with the object of his affections confusion so cutely curled up right in front of him, as if nothing at all in the world was awry, could anyone blame him if he got lost in thought?

Dedede’s most recent string of what Escargoon liked to call “Good Mood Days,” has had him… cautiously optimistic. As far as he knew, the king hadn’t ordered any Demon Beasts lately, and he wasn’t acting as oafishly pleasant as that time he was possessed by Togeira, so…

Inexplicably, Dedede was acting nice. Nice-er. Not exactly towards Escargoon specifically, but in general. He was waving at waddle dees, harmlessly joking and poking at him, smiling at himself in the mirror… It was like a coin had flipped and instead of mostly a jerk, and rarely nice, he was… He was…!

Attentive. Considerate. Kind, even.

Escargoon shook his head, lifting the breakfast tray up, before a glance at Dedede made him move it to the coffee table instead.

As he set up the king’s breakfast, he thought back to their lunch at Kawasaki’s restaurant the other day. Dedede had put up his usual fuss about the food quality, but instead of demanding a refund or discount, or harassing Kawasaki, he’d just… gave constructive criticism! For once, the king didn’t shout or squall, just passionately ranted about cook time and the proper spice balance for each of the dishes he’d ordered. He didn’t even demand compensation! Not only that, he said ‘thank you’ when Kawasaki brought out the complementary sushi!

That was the part that made Escargoon think the king was possessed. He doesn’t even remember the last time he’s heard Dedede say ‘thank you’ to anyone. The guy didn’t have a lick of common courtesy, so what the heck happened?

It’s been… a quiet few days. No Demon Beasts, planned or otherwise, have come a’knocking. No schemes, as far as he could tell, have been a’brewing. The king had been strangely absent, off doing his own thing, surely, and Escargoon was left either chasing and searching after him, or to his own devices in his room and workshop. The last Demon Beast was… huh, it’s also been a while hasn’t it? About a week or so, but… how come he’s only really noticing the absence now?

Maybe because Dedede hasn’t been a royal pain lately… The guy was as much of a terror as those Demon Beasts, which sometimes posed the question whether those rats at Nightmare Enterprises planted him here in the first place…

Kidding! He was kidding. Just because Dedede’s a brat doesn’t make him one of those unfeeling monsters!

Heheh…

Eh… What was he thinking about again?

Anyway, Escargoon has been left on his own before, it wasn’t necessarily a rare occurrence, yada yada, but!

But for Dedede to vanish without a word to him about a plan or even to tell him to shove off for a while, was completely out of left field.

And now he was dozing off right in front of him, as if nothing strange was going on at all.

(If only this quiet and niceness could be the new Normal.)

Breakfast set up and cooling down, the attendant slithered closer to lightly nudge His Majesty’s arm.

”Sire?”

Dedede grunted.

“Breakfast is ready, Sire~!”

Another grunt. The snail rolled his eyes, prodding the king in the side with his fingertips. Nothing. So he hoisted up his courage and wrapped his hands around the king’s arm. If he wasn’t going to get up and eat a proper breakfast, then Escargoon would make sure he did!

Hup! He gave a big heave, and-!

Dedede didn’t budge. The arm he’d grabbed was solid as a rock.

Uh?

Escargoon tried again, wheezing and grunting with strain as he toiled to move the king even an inch. Stupid king and his stupid heavy body! Even still, he never used to have this much trouble dragging him out of bed. Or moving him at all. Had he really gotten so weak? The king didn’t really look any different, so it’s not like he had gained any weight. In fact, the king actually looked more fit recently, though Escargoon would rather perish than admit that he noticed…

The King hasn’t worked out since his energy drink phase! And he hasn’t been doing anything lately either so why…? Escargoon was getting tired of asking that question and not getting any answers. But that was life, or whatever.

He gave another ferocious pull while the purple nightgown-clad penguin remained half-buried in blankets, snickering at his wasted efforts. Go figure.

The snail felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment, his hackles and temper rising. Oh, that does it! This guy was really gonna laugh at him while he tried to help him? Well, FINE. He’d see how he liked being helped… onto the FLOOR!

With a mighty warcry, the snail hopped onto the bed, wrapped both his arms around Dedede’s one and HOISTED-!

It was like moving a mountain, in that the only thing he achieved in the attempt was a fuschia face from lack of oxygen, aching arms and back, and absolutely no hope of winning. Dedede shifted his head from the nest of blankets, his expression flatter than a pancake. If ‘unimpressed’ had a photo definition in the dictionary, it’d be a picture of his face. Welp, there went his motivation.

Escargoon gave a pathetic cough as he suddenly loosed his grip and tumbled to the floor, a failure.

Dedede 1 — Escargoon 0.

Dedede snorted and leaned over the edge of the bed to smirk at him.

“Havin’ fun down there?”

Breakfast was a pleasant affair. Yes, Escargoon said the word. Pleasant. Really, an angel must be looking out for him, because Dedede, for the second time in the past few days, didn’t make a single mess while eating, didn’t scold or bemoan the food, and didn’t even swat at him for accidentally spilling some water on the table! The king cleaned it up with his own napkin, actually, and waved off his apology with a smile and sparkling, playful eyes.

Wow… a part of his brain couldn’t help but be awestruck, his heart skipping in his chest, while another, more rational part groaned, eternally embarrassed by his one-sided crush purely platonic positive feelings towards King Dedede.

Logically, he still had every reason to be unsure, and even fearful, of the king’s shift in personality. These things didn’t just happen overnight! And when they did, it was always for a really bad reason!

At least in the past… Escargoon recalled again the incident with Togeira. Really, it was the only thing he could relate this to. Although, he hasn’t exactly taken advantage of this situation, unlike he had before… Guilt tugged at his gut at the thought of smacking the king over and over on the head, but he shook it off, firmly reminding himself that he deserved vengeance for all the cruel things Dedede has done to him. And may continue to do to him! What, did he think a few days of good behavior was gonna plop him on Escargoon’s good side? Absolutely not!

(He says this, but even in his own head, he sounds doubtful. There was a seedling of hope sprouting inside of him that he couldn’t truly ignore. Something desperate and craving gentleness from… a place he knew he would never get it from. It would never happen. It was as fanciful as a fairytale out of a children’s book. And now… Well, what was he supposed to do now?)

“Say, yer a handy guy right, Goonie?” Escargoon jumped, cheeks flushing. He hadn’t been paying attention. Had the king been monologuing? Looking away, the snail cleared his throat behind a fist, before gazing back up at him. Bright, innocent blue eyes gazed back.

Has… Has the king’s eyes always been so blue? Like a noonday sky, or the cool pooling of sapphire stones in the hand of a jeweler? He swore he had never seen them gleam so brilliantly before…

Dedede could practically feel the rainbow cascading behind his head, and the sparkly filter washing over his face as he watched Escargoon flush and fumble with a response.

Good grief, this guy…

As funny as it was to watch him bluster and fluster, he felt bad for Escargoon, and a bit guilty for kinda/sorta using his feelings against him. Or at least, planning to, if it actually became necessary. Though it was already an issue he resolved to address later, he couldn’t help but want to be honest to him, at least a bit.

While he was thinking about it, what would he even say?

“I don’t like you,” or… “I’ll never feel the same way”?

But that sounded so harsh! Honestly, if Dedede heard those words himself (from… no one in particular), he just might shatter to pieces. Was it bad of him to want to spare the guy’s feelings? Man, romance was rough! He’d rather fight the Beast Pack or something.

“I, er, I am…?” the snail said eloquently. Escargoon had to hold back the urge to smack himself in the face. They’d been working together for years! Why was he stuttering like an intern now? “D-did you need- ahem, did you need something, Sire?”

Thankfully, Dedede didn’t seem bothered by it as he continued on gleefully.

”I was thinkin’ o’ commissioning something from ya. If ya’d be so kind,” said the king as he reached over to the TV stand and took out a sheaf of papers from a bigger folder. A folder… with a sparkly pink galbo on it?

Slight dread crawled up his shell, thinking Dedede was about to task him with yet another horribly scribbled, near-impossible invention.

What he did see made Escargoon’s mouth fall open in shock.

Laughter rang like little bells across the grassy fields, but for all the carefree melody was worth, Tiff only found herself sulking and anxious. Really, Dedede’s newest plot was going to give her gray hairs, and she wasn’t even done growing yet! The girl huffed and flopped onto her back against the checkerboard picnic blanket she’d brought with their lunch. Kirby and Tuff were playing catch with Iro and Spikehead, willfully oblivious to her plight. Couldn’t they see that something was seriously going on?

Well, Kirby she understood, but she expected at least a crumb of sympathy from her own little brother! It made her jealous too that they could be so relaxed in the face of danger.

Sure, nothing was happening yet, and Sir Meta Knight usually showed up when something really bad was going on, but…

Tiff sighed. Maybe she ought to take a page out of Tuff’s book and just relax while she could. But something about yesterday just kept bothering her!

She tried thinking back…

King Dedede’s smirking face fell to that strange blankness again as Sir Meta Knight walked closer, the sound of his metal boots the only thing Tiff could hear aside from her own heartbeat. Her breath had fallen quiet, held inside as the tension in the room mounted. It fell out of her in a gasp when the king snatched the pen from Sir Meta Knight’s outstretched hand and yanked the knight closer.

She couldn’t hear much from the gravely whisper that left the king’s beak other than, “-if you know what’s good for her.”

It was enough to catch her breath again. Was she… being targeted? Sir Meta Knight’s agreement, too, was strained, and she felt the cold wash of fear touch her spine and ghost over her hands. Why wasn’t he doing anything? Why wasn’t he fighting back?

Tiff heaved a breath to calm her racing heart. Even just the memory made her tremble, restless energy running through her veins. She looked up into the canopy of leaves above her, gazing without really seeing how the sun and sky streamed through the gaps.

She’s heard a thousand threats fall from Dedede’s mouth. He was like a schoolhouse bully that way, always shouting and squalling about something. Actually managing to hurt them was a surprisingly rare occurrence. However, this was the first time she’d ever seen him grab Sir Meta Knight. There were times he’s thrown things at the knight, or similarly swung a hit, but each time was met with a skillful dodge or block. But faster than she could think, and likely catching the knight way off guard, Dedede darted past his defenses.

Tiff knew Sir Meta Knight was far from untouchable. She’d seen him injured more times than she was happy about. Against Wolfwrath, against the Piuki plant, against Dedede’s giant stone golem… Maybe that was what made her so agitated? In her mind, Dedede had always been leagues below Meta Knight in terms of strength, intelligence, and skill. But recently, he’s been talking circles around her and her family, getting in her head, and now, tricking and threatening a seasoned war veteran as if it was just another Tuesday.

“You should head home, Tiff,” Sir Meta Knight had said, moments after they exited the library. Tiff balked at him, confused. Wasn’t he going to tell her what Dedede said?

Before she could ask, the knight continued, “It would be best if you distanced yourself from the King as well. Your brother and Kirby included.” His tone was distant, and green was steadily taking over his eyes as the two of them walked further and further from the huge oaken doors. Tiff couldn’t help but look surprised. He’d never… told her that before. Maybe once when she was younger but…

”Did Dedede tell you to say that?” She asked, frowning.

”Yes.”

“Then-!”

“Tiff. I have reason to believe he didn’t intend this request as a threat, but a warning.”

That made her pause, temper dissipating. Request?

”A… warning? But why would…”

Sir Meta Knight had left scarcely another word after that, only telling her to have a good day before he sauntered off and disappeared to another corridor. Tiff had stared after him then, lost in her own thoughts.

A warning… But why would Dedede warn them about anything?

Tiff huffed a sigh that ruffled her bangs. She still thought that Dedede was cooking up a scheme with Nightmare Enterprises again, but Meta Knight made no assertions to further that idea no matter how often she brought it up. She supposed that was her sign to consider other options. Though what else could it possibly be?

A shapeshifting alien from another world? A demon beast worm that’s supposed to make him smart, but is secretly laying eggs in his brain and spying on them? Oh! How about Dedede’s evil twin brother who’s trying to take his place and steal all their food?

“Yeah, he’d do something like that,” she snorted, then began to giggle to herself quietly. Each idea, more wild and ridiculous than the last, eased the tension on her heart little by little. Finally, she sat up, a smile still tugging at her lips as she looked around for her brothers again. Their game had brought them a bit closer to her picnic spread. In fact, it looked like they were on their way towards her now.

Tiff chuckled again. Kirby had just caught sight of her, or, more accurately, the lunch she’d set aside for them, and was running towards her as fast as he could on his little feet. Hah, the pink boy could be so adorable sometimes! But she really needed to work on taming his gluttonous habits… Not like Tuff and the other boys set a good example.

Tiff sighed, the smile becoming a grim, tight line across her face.

Anyway, she’d better get busy setting up the spread of sandwiches, or else her share was going to get eaten!

As her brothers and their friends chattered around her, Tiff found herself back in her usual rhythm, piping in to chide Tuff’s poor table manners and ask after the other two boys’ families. Apparently Iro’s mother was thinking about having another baby, which was worrying the boy quite a bit thinking he was going to have to share his parents’ attention with another child. But as Tuff and Spikehead jumped to point out the great parts about having a little sibling, Tiff found her thoughts drifting again.

Castle Dedede stood in the distance, no more imposing than it usually was, still her brow crumpled and her lipline thinned. Dedede… Dedede… Dedede…

What are you planning?

”Y-you know how to write!”

What?

Dedede frowned at the snail, affronted, “Excuse me?”

”S-sire-“ Escargoon was too surprised to cower in fear at his dour tone, apparently, since he grabbed the edge of his robe and began to yank at it, demanding, “When did you learn? Who taught you! And why didn’t you tell me!”

”Hold on now-“

”Have ya known this whole time?” The snail demanded, “Been pretendin’ you know don’t how to read ‘n write just to force me to do all yer scribin’ work?” The snail sniffled, eyes tearful and betrayed, “You’re so mean to me, Sire!”

Dedede stared, frozen in shock for five full seconds, before he fell back into his role and sighed with all the drama he could muster.

Though mentally, he was smacking his head into a wall, because of course.

Of course this was the case!

When he thought the Other Dedede was probably illiterate, he didn’t actually mean it. But of course. Of course he happened to be right. Nova. The Other Dedede didn’t know how to read and write. He might as well have held up a big glittery sign that said ‘I’m an imposter’ with a bright red arrow pointing to himself if he was going to screw up this royally!

And also, what the heck! Who was in charge of this guy when he was growing up? Who could fail their own kid this badly? Wasn’t this guy part of some royal family, or group of great import, one that at least gave a damn whether its heir was educated or not? Maybe not. Different world and all that jazz, but to go through an entire life filled to the brim with luxury and to never pick up a single book was absurd.

He thought about Cappy Town and the difference between the homes in the town proper and the countryside; the sheer drop in material quality the moment one stepped out of the town square, and the distinct lack of community spaces like schools, libraries, and even activity centers, and thought he understood just a little bit better the situation surrounding the whole island.

A child raised by Waddle Dees on an isolated island with minimal contact to the outside world. Blind worship and indulgence with no hardship or tutoring to temper them led to a selfish and lazy “king”. Something happens to bolster trade and resource availability, like an inset of new people from the main continent or hiring a trade expert (like Parm), which, under his jurisdiction, led to further abuse of power and eventually the instatement of Nightmare and his cohort.

”Good grief… Escargoon…” Dedede stalled, rubbing his brow and gazing at the snail with disappointment. Rather than ruminating, he ought to get out of this mess and get this guy to start making him a darn weapon. He’d do it himself if he didn’t think it was suspect, but clearly he already futzed that up! Nova, was this going to happen every time he showed that he was competent, ever?

He sighed again, shaking his head, before he continued slowly, “Ya really think a king should hafta write up every single document he needs a signin’?” He pushed more exasperation into his tone as he propped his mitts on his hips, “Just what do you think yer job as my assistant means?” Escargoon blinked, shifted around, then gaped at him, incredulous.

”B-but, Sire! I- er-“

”It means that fer arbitrary li’l tasks like draftin’ a decree, or,“ Dedede cut through as he waved an arm about, “-or, organizin’ my calendar, you take what I say, and make it happen, hm?” The king raised a brow and straightened his shoulders, “I’ll dumb it down. I’m the idea guy. You,” he booped the snail on the nose… area, “yer the Get-It-Done guy. Make sense?”

“Y-yes, sir! Uh- Sire, I mean. Huh?” Escargoon looked alarmed, his ‘stache drooping and his eyes bulging, “S-so, this sketch- Is it from Nightmare Enterprises?”

Oh, shoot! He’d forgotten about that already, though it would make sense, considering the Other Dedede’s reliance on Nightmare’s company. Huh, yeah, he could run on that!

So he puffed himself up and stuck his beak in the air.

”It was my idea!” He crowed, smug, “I sent in the most beautiful an’ skillful drawin’ ever, and then they sent me back that.” Dedede huffed with derision, and jabbed a finger at the doodle, “So now I want ya ta make it happen, since those dunderheads in N.M.E. ain’t nothin’ but a buncha posers!”

His explanation seemed to ease Escargoon, enough to tug at the other man’s lips as he sagged with relief.

”Oh, thank goodness,” the snail sighed, green gaze shining, “I thought ya were a different person for a moment there, Sire! There’s no way ya coulda written that yourself!”

“Darn tootin’!” Dedede guffawed, dying inside, “I’d never wanna do that kinda peasant work! Glad we got that cleared up.” A winning grin broke across his face before he turned to the blueprints again, “Now let’s lookit this here…”

The rest of weapon planning went a little smoother. Escargoon seemed to wisely stop asking irrelevant questions, though Dedede made sure to butter him up with compliments every time the man made to stray from the conversation at hand. Luckily, it wasn’t that difficult to stay on topic.

Again, the blessing of inventive, grease monkey friends!

His makeshift blueprint (initially done in an orange oil pastel on two pages he’d torn out of his coloring book) boasted a decent sketch of a greathammer and an alternating head mechanism to change it to a greataxe with only a few quick motions. It was a design he had been thinking of bringing to life for years, ever since he faced off with his Mirror self during the Dreamstalk incident, really. Though he never found the time to craft the weapon himself, or even commission it out to the Meta-Knights or his own Dees (why make a new weapon when he’s got a perfectly good greathammer?), he very recently found himself saddled with oodles of time. It would do well for him to continue training in other weapons too, of only to diversify his already impressive and attractive skillset. Already, his sketch was covered in notes and light pen strokes as Escargoon took his idea and sprinted with it, refining the draft and brainstorming out the tools he’d need to make it mechanically functional.

He ignored the concerned and suspicious side-eyes the snail kept giving him each time he added his own notes (wisely limiting them to doodles and arrows this time), at least until he was satisfied with the direction Escargoon was taking it. The guy kept flinching away whenever he reached over, like he was trying to avoid being hit or something, which made Dedede’s stomach turn.

In all fairness, he was a handsy guy, and, sure, sometimes he didn’t know his own strength, but it wasn’t his goal to hurt anybody…

Different world, different life.

The king sniffed and leaned back, taking in the blueprint before him. The design itself was more barebones than he could ever be comfortable with, lacking in the artistic and regal quality he preferred in his weapons. But there was time to pretty the thing up later, after working the kinks out of the prototype. What really mattered was that it was battle-ready. He can get over the fact this hammer wasn’t going to be emblazoned with stars and shining with gold colored plating, so long as it kept him alive when things went south. Considering the existence of “Demon Beasts”, he figured he might have to stay pretty alert any time they come up in conversation. Which reminded him… his docket today included researching the origin of those monsters. He’d better get to it.

Dedede gave a short hum as he finally stood from his chair. Escargoon should be fine on his own for now. And he said as much as he gathered up his pencils and tucked his coloring book away. He missed the eyes that followed him out as he strutted from his chambers, mind already absorbed with his plans for the day.

Escargoon gulped quietly, his gaze straying back to the makeshift blueprint in his hands.

Dedede came up with this himself? He struggled to believe even that. The Dedede he knew would struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel. And this writing…

The paper before him was barely held together by clear tape and clips, the drawing itself a shockingly clean sketch of a hammer head and its greataxe second form, as well as a smaller, less detailed doodle of the haft and handle. Around it were blocks of elegant, handwritten script smattering the empty spaces of the page with thin, black ink. The writing was pretty, a relaxed mix of cursive and print, with cute embellishments in the shapes of stars and sparkles on some of the letters. If Escargoon didn’t know better, he might’ve actually thought that this was Dedede’s handwriting!

Of course it never could be, the idea was laughable, but it didn’t stop him from imagining it all the same.

The astounding penmanship aside, the content of the notes were also mind-boggling. Each major facet of the design was explained, exploring the efficacy of each part and how it could contribute to creating a powerful and versatile weapon. All of it was so clean and concise, Escargoon almost felt embarrassed to put his own lowly scribbles alongside them. Really, Nightmare Enterprises had some really talented blacksmiths. The snail almost wanted to try and meet the one that managed to take a drawing from Dedede and turn it into something cool.

Ah… a weapon.

The king wanted a weapon.

Escargoon nibbled on the inside of his cheek. But, the king already had a weapon; a triangle-patterned sword that he’d swung and chucked the time when Princess Rona disguised as Commander Vee had challenged him to a duel. Naturally, it made sense the king would want something new and flashy, rather than actually learning how to fight with a sword. Even still, Escargoon thought that the resounding defeat to the Princess would have deterred any future attempt, like it had, until now.

What changed? Did Dedede forget about the incident already? It’s only been a month, but he distinctly remembered the king’s ranting, vowing to never do something so beneath him again. And while His Majesty was pretty frivolous, he never missed out on an opportunity to be lazy…

Escargoon huffed to himself, tracing the back of his borrowed pen along the shape of his new project. He’d learned and honed a lot of skills from the various things Dedede had made him build and upkeep in the past, like drafting and manufacturing his own parts. Though, due to the King’s propensity toward long-ranged, explosive weapons, he hasn’t really had the opportunity to experience crafting something more for close-combat.

Maybe he should ask Meta Knight for some pointers? The two of them were hardly close, but they’ve had some good conversations, usually whenever Dedede was off doing something on his own for once and Escargoon somehow wasn’t in a terrible mood. Although he had the feeling the knight wouldn’t be very receptive to chatting about a weapon for the king…

Ah, well, what he didn’t know wouldn’t kill him! Probably.

Chapter Text

One more week before this fic makes it to one year! Well, one year since first posted. It’s been sitting in my drafts longer than that but whatever. Hopefully edits will be done by then for the next chapter, although work and life are picking up yet again so it’s a fat maybe. In the meantime, take a compilation of doodles! And unlike the last ones, these one’s aren’t all that relevant to the story… or are they? Lmao

Just wanted to say thank you again to everybody who has held onto this story for this long, and I hope I get to keep seeing y’all around and interact with y’all in the comments because that’s half the fun of sharing!

HUGE shout out to Doodledreamer99 for their AWESOME animation they made for this story. Here is the link: https://youtu.be/S_n1KKn3e18?si=msjVr1t99G9UVWzM Check it out, and give them a thumbs up! They did a great job!

Chapter Text

Freedom tasted bittersweet.

Leaving the snail behind with a project he would much prefer undertaking over exploring the castle affixed a surly pout over Dedede’s beak. Of course, like always, his underlings got to have all the fun while he worked his fine tushy off all on his lonesome! He supposed it was simply the requirement in order to be the greatest king to ever exist, which he was, practically without effort really.

Much better than the louse that shacked up in this castle before him, based on ALL accounts.

Dedede grumbled to himself nonsensically, letting his feet guide him wherever as his mind wandered. He needed to capitalize on these moments to himself, if only to run through and re-absorb everything he’s learned in the recent day or two. Has it really only been three days? He felt like it’s been weeks already…

Let’s see, what has happened recently?

There were those kids the other day that he poked fun at while he sized-up Kirby, then the run-in with the two knaves, the deal with Lady Like, the most recent conflict with Sir Meta Knight, and now, the weapon plans with Escargoon. There was also his self-study on the region itself, but all of that he accomplished outside of daylight hours… or- well, he’s not really operating as a king right now, so he supposed the distinction didn’t matter but…

Dedede sighed, rubbing his forehead. Pinpricks of pain were starting to build at the base of his neck, lines of tension tugging around his shoulders. He needed a long, luxurious bath, and maybe a massage if he was really going to be stuck here and stressed out all the time. Hoo boy…

He finally made it to the main courtyard, the throne room’s grand oak doors flitting in and out of sight between the columns bordering the halls.

A few waddle dees were out and about tending to the shrubbery. With a smile, he reached out and tapped the nearest one on the head, and asked them to tell their companions that they were doing a very good job. The sparkle that gleamed in their eyes as they nodded made him chuckle as he gave the rest of the group friendly waves before he opened and slipped into the throne room.

(A blue figure stepped from behind a column once the door thudded shut, careful of where he set his gaze. A girl peaked around the corner of an adjacent corridor, green eyes gleaming.)

Finally inside, Dedede heaved a big sigh and put his hands on his hips. Like everywhere else, save for the halls near the Ebrum household, decor was sparse, boasting only the bare minimum in order to appear regal. He toed the dull red carpet, noting the wear that had roughed out the subtle matelassé pattern. Beyond that and the carpet spread across the dais, only faded banners adorned the choral lofts, their details too faint to make out. Or… maybe too destroyed to make out. He sidled closer and squinted at the nearest one, noting what he now realized were clear scrub marks in a rough hexagonal shape on the velvet cloth. Huh…

Dedede shook his head. It could mean a myriad of things, but nothing relevant to him. Best to forget about it for now.

The king turned on his heel and continued striding up to the dais, focusing a scrutinizing gaze on the portly-looking throne before him. It was very round, with red velvet cushions and leather armrests dyed yellow. It looked a bit like a deviled egg, and… Dedede gave it a tentative sniff, before recoiling with a grimace. Smelled a bit like one too. Eugh. Better sicc the cleaners on that later today.

Taking another pass around (while holding his breath a tad), Dedede spotted a slim panel on the right hand side holding... a book.

Huh? Wasn’t the Other Dedede illiterate? He slid the volume from its sheath and flipped it open. Inside was a slew of photos. Some were of animals, others were of people, though most were of creatures that looked a bit too gruesome for him to keep staring at. Each entry was numbered, containing a hazard level, description of appearance, notable skills and the like. Was this an encyclopedia?

Dedede shut the book and flipped it onto its back. Aha! There it is.

A logo boasting the unmistakeable silhouette of the big man himself. Nightmare.

This must be a catalog of some sort. A listing of goods and services provided by these people and creatures. With or without their permission, he tacked on to himself as he perused the pages again. He noted the numerous species and variants of said species. Many of them hailed from different planets in the Milky Way, and he was sure that the ones he didn’t recognize only came from places even further away.

Which was mind-boggling. Just how many customers was that guy’s business getting to facilitate such a wide reach? Wasn’t he evil? Wasn’t he the Bad Guy, spreading fear, terror, and abuse wherever he went? Then again, there was something to be said about financial systems and inherent corruption. It wasn't as if it was difficult to appear professional or congenial, but still!

Though here were the clicker questions. How come something like this never came to fruition in his reality?

The Nightmare from his world was little more than a crazy lunatic. Granted, a very powerful crazy lunatic, but he was still someone Dedede could and did manage to fend off for a while. And more importantly, he was one guy. FAR from an “enterprise” like this book boasted in its introduction. Why was this one so different? Did this reality have a Haltmann Works Company too? Did they team up or something? Because this whole spiel seems very up their alley.

Ignoring the stank, Dedede hopped onto the throne and flipped through the book again, glaring at some of the entries. Yeah, okay. Seeing this, he wouldn’t put it past Haltmann or Nightmare to go from enslaving innocent galbos and brontos and messing them up with dark magic, to a robot-obsessed mega factory that uses and experiments on their DNA. That actually seemed pretty on-theme if you asked him. The king gnashed his teeth as he tried not to hurl, tapping a finger over an image of Phan Phan, the elephant creature Kirby had occasionally tussled with on their adventures. It lived in the Whispy Woods on his world, was born and raised there amongst its herd, so he wondered how Nightmare could have gotten a hold of it if it was a Dreamland native? Was Nightmare also the reason why only Cappies and Waddle Dees comprised the major species denominations on this island, or was this just another alternate universe thing that had no real explanation?

Dedede groaned, rubbing his forehead. This was starting to give him a headache. Why were things so messed up and weird in this world? Why didn’t any of these people and creatures have agency anymore? What happened down the line of history that made the two realities so different?

Because that’s how it worked right? Meta Knight mentioned something like that once. There was an alternate universe for every decision made or action that wasn’t taken, no matter how arbitrary the change might be. Whatever it was, the change that shifted this universe must have been MASSIVE. Like cosmic-scale type stuff. Something way over Dedede’s head, and maybe even Meta Knight’s! The guy was a traveler and busy-body at heart, always getting his hands dirty, at times without even trying. No doubt, somewhere along his absurdly long life (the actual year escaped him, but Dedede remembered that it was, like, a stupid big number) he must have run into, or heard of, a larger than life event that altered the scope of their entire reality.

The penguin let his head fall back and thud against the headrest as his arms came up and flopped over his belly. If that was the case, what did that have to do with him and the Other Dedede? Were they chosen for something? Was this just a chance encounter with a rift in the time-space continuum? Was he sent here on purpose to fix this?

Well, if he was, he wanted out! To Hades with his morals, this was too big of a job for one guy! Until he was handed a 7-Kirby strike team, he was sticking to his guns and getting the heck out of here!

He sighed again, gripping the edges of the armrests until they creaked. Ugh, this was so stressful! And he couldn’t do anything about it! He let go and started drumming his fingers restlessly.

What to do, what to do, what to- CLICK!

”Yipes!” A flap beneath his left flipper swung over suddenly, revealing a set of buttons. Dedede blinked at them, astonished. What… the…?

He shouldn’t press those. He really shouldn’t. Especially since he didn’t know what they did. That’s just common sense.

…

…

…

Boop.

Okay, shut up. Leave him alone. What else was he here for other than poking at literally everything?

Dedede flinched as a large panel in the left wall unhitched with a mechanical hiss. Two large hinges swung out, the panel swiveling around to reveal a huge TV screen. In the center of the room, a hatch revealed itself and slid open with a clever, seamless split in the carpet. A whirring cobalt machine rose from the ground, speckled with a rainbow of colorful, flashing lights. Another set of doors opened from the ceiling and descended atop the dias, robotic, spidery arms suspending around the platform in a loose cage. There were cylinders set into the base that glowed an eerie green. Hash ticks in black lined the horizontal axis, like a fuel meter. It looked somewhat reminiscent of that spooky ghost amusement park back on Elfilin's planet.

Dedede suppressed a shiver. That was cool, he guessed-

”Good morning Triple D! Fancy seeing your lovely self this fine Dreamland day!” The king barely choked back a yelp at the booming sound of a man that definitely wanted to sell him something. He swiveled the throne to glare upwards, eeking a finger in his ear. Because, dude. Ow.

“Can’t be that fine of a morning, when yer half deaf,” he grouched, huffing to himself, “Mind turning the subs down, Mikey?” The screen had lit up with a strange man with humanoid features smirking at him through the screen. His skin was grey, his cheeks sallow, and his eyes hidden by opaque apricot glasses. His suit was a deep purple, his Oxford tangerine, and his tie a light lavender. The ensemble was a bit ghastly, coupled with his eggplant purple hair smattered with sickly green highlights.

”Apologies, Your Majesty!” The man simpered, his volume steadily decreasing as he shifted things off-screen, “Y’know as we get older, our hearing starts to go! I’m just lookin’ out for ya, D Man.” Uh, rude. He might be old, but he certainly didn’t look it! His plumage was brighter than star-cut lazuli, thank you very much!

”Gee, thanks.” Who was this guy? He seemed oddly familiar with Other Dedede. Although, considering the juxtaposition of finding the catalog on the throne as well as the built-in call button, it was highly plausible that he was the one supplying Demon Beasts. So is this Nightmare?

Dedede frowned, flipping the catalog to the back and squinting at the NME logo. He definitely saw Nightmare’s silhouette, so unless the guy was a shapeshifter in this reality, he didn’t think the ugly whelp grinning at him was anyone of import. Couldn’t Nightmare warp his cloak into a big ball shape? He didn’t think he could turn into anything else though… not unless he got in your head, but everything in there was just in a dreamscape anyway.

”Say, Your Majesty, are those some new wrinkles I see?”

Woah! Absolutely not. The king scowled from his seat up at the NME Salesperson, beak set stiffly. Was this guy trying to rile him up or something?

“It’s prolly just your eyes startin’ ta go,” Dedede sniped back, vainly fluffing up some of his feathers, “My plumage is as bright and clean as a baby pingu, which you should be able to see, even through that screen of yours. But then again, as you said, we are getting older.”

The man sucked in a breath, hesitating for a split second, before he relaxed and chuckled, “Ho, ho! You’re absolutely right, Your Majesty, my mistake. But even still, the concern still stands. Maybe not for your pristine looks”, Dedede snorted to himself at the shameless compliment, “but for the meek and miserable populace under your reign.”

The penguin considered the words briefly. The man definitely knew the Other Dedede, considering how comfortable he was with willfully angling the conversation toward what must be the Other King’s insecurities. His vanity, incompetence, greed, and selfishness, were all just tools at this guy’s disposal. But how would it involve a Demon Beast? He needed to keep playing along.

”And why should I care about those lowlifes?” Inquired the king with a raised brow, “They’re only gonna get uglier. Not everyone can be born with my perfect genealogy.” Dedede fluttered his lashes, framing his hands around his stunningly handsome face for effect.

“Why, that’s the exact point I’m trying to make, Sire!” Without missing a beat, the salesman crowed, clapping his hands together. The teleporter in front of him jolted to life, and Dedede fixed wide eyes onto the spinning discs and currents of electricity fluttering around the coils and spidery stabilizers. “Look at the fantastic business opportunity available to you and you only when you release this!”

A bright flash punctuated his sentence, and when it cleared, Dedede spied a… line of products. The penguin hopped out of his chair and snatched up one of the boxes. Were these… cosmetics?

”These products are called ‘cosmetics’, Sire!” For some reason, that was really annoying. “These are a line of our finest self-care ointments. They work on a plethora of creatures, are non-greasy, with 17 different ingredients that’ll ensure a-!”

”Spare me the sermon, preacher. I know what they are,” the king snapped, hefting the small white box in his mitt. The salesman continued to protest as Dedede tossed the box up and down again and again. Tch, it was so lightweight. No doubt the product inside didn’t even fill the whole canister, and the blank packaging… Dedede gave it a rattle. It also was too small for the box it was put inside, increasing chances of damage and overall output of waste.

There was no brand name, logo, or even an ingredients list printed anywhere, yet another red flag. How was anyone supposed to trust this kind of product without knowing what was in it? Then again, he bet the common folk of Cappy Town were willing to believe anything even if it was a lie, so long as it fixed one imaginary problem or another. That’s just how companies like these worked. They take every little flaw and blow it up under a microscope for the world to see, right before they promise up and down to people in need or people that don’t know better that their team had the solutions for all the problems in their life. So long as you had the cash to afford it…

And weren’t Cappies mycelial folk? Unless there was some kind of huge bug outbreak, their felts were as smooth as silk, even in old age! They were the last species that needed these useless things. Not that Dedede was planning on agreeing anyhow, but the thought still stands!

”Not to your liking? Our services have no problem providing them in your colors, Sire! For a price~”

”Thanks but no thanks,” Dedede said, tossing the box carelessly back onto the platform, “I’d keep the free samples if they didn’t sound like the ripoffs I know they are. Them Cappies can keep getting uglier, it’s all well and dandy for me to be winnin’ the beauty pageants every year!”

“Your Majesty! Wait just a moment!”

Dedede sighed dramatically, and turned around with his hands on his hips.

”What? Can’t ya see I got better thangs to do than listen to you prattle on about yet another failure in the making?” He threw out an arm. “You dain’t even bother ta make these shelf-worthy before tossin’ the pitch! Ya think yer slick, pachenko?”

There was another, slightly longer pause, before the salesman chuckled and adjusted his glasses, his glasses catching in the light “This product is still in the testing phase,” the man revealed, before he dropped his arm and shifted forward. His voice was a touch more sinister as he spoke again, “but what if I told you it’s for a new, top secret weapon in development? And you get to be the first to see it in action, Sire.”

Well, doesn’t he feel special now?

The king frowned, before waving his hand in a ‘go on’ motion. The salesman’s lips twisted up again in that smug smirk.

“If those Cappies use any of these products, applied topically or otherwise, after three days you’ll have yourself an army of devout followers, loyal only to you, Your Majesty. But be careful! They have to use them everyday! The moment they stop, it’s game over.”

Dedede blinked, glanced down at the boxes, then back up at the salesman. A couple things with that. One; mind control lotion sounded incredibly stupid. Two; how did that even work? Was there some kind of magic drug in here? Why wouldn’t they just poison a water-system in some big city and see what happened?

Whoa, getting a little demented there.

There were probably a million reasons why that would and wouldn’t work, and Dedede shouldn’t really care about any of them. He should be getting information out of this guy, but he was already getting the heeby-jeebies just by sitting there. And honestly, he would be a whole lot more interested in chit-chat if Nightmare was the one doing the talking. But seeing as the lunatic wasn’t even remotely present… Might as well start the verbal joust to peace and quiet.

“And then what?” Dedede asked, sounding bored.

“Why to get your revenge of course! Don’t you remember, Sire? How many times did those disrespectful rats stomp on your good name? Your good looks?” As the salesman spoke, the screen switched to several clips of the Other Dedede surrounded by the common folk.

“Look Sire!” The Cappy in the police uniform called (Chief Booksem? Brookum?) as the Other Dedede waddled forward. “It looks just like ya!” They looked like they were in an art or animation studio, with tatami mat floors and a rudimentary artists’ workshop set up in rows around them, each outfitted with what looked to be a tracing board. What in the name of Nova?

Dedede watched as the phony king snatched up the paper (which had a frankly atrocious drawing of himself on it), and subsequently threw a tantrum over it, ripping up the page and screeching all the while. The screen flicked to another scene of Escargoon ridiculing him beneath his breath, and then another of the whole town laughing and pointing at him while the phony king sat dumbfounded in a huge pile of pie custard.

Dedede locked his beak to avoid laughing, but he had to admit that despite all the meanness the guy was obviously dealing with, he did look pretty funny… He felt for him, somewhat, but… the guy really hasn’t made it easy for anyone to like him. To an outsider like himself, Dedede was starting to struggle empathizing with the guy. Childish and airheaded he may be, there were some things that cannot be easily forgiven.

That aside, the videos were… strange. Not a single person looked at the cameras, as if they didn’t even know they were there. Particularly the clip of the Other Dedede locked to a table with a huge axe swinging freely above him. The cameras were panning from side to side, getting close shots of Escargoon, Tiff and her family, and even a glimpse of Meta Knight in the background. And, of course, a top-down view of Other Dedede’s tormented, fear-stricken face. Why didn’t anyone notice? Why wasn’t anyone looking around?

The cameras must be incredibly tiny, small enough that no one would notice at first glance. And if they were everywhere…

Dedede paled a bit. That meant… Surely it wasn’t... No… it must be true. This entire time, all of them were being watched. It wasn’t magic, but technology, monitoring and observing their every move. From the video quality, it didn’t look like writing was very easy to make out, so his notebook was safe. But the fact that he had been writing in it at all would not be. Were his kitchen excursions under threat too? Was he being watched here now? In front of the salesman?

The king coughed and crossed his arms. Play it cool. He doesn’t know for sure what the case is. All he can do is be more careful in the future. Nightmare was the LAST person he wanted “in the know” about this whole identity crisis.

What did that guy say again? Get revenge? The Other Dedede would jump at the opportunity for vengeance, but he didn’t give a hoot. So…

“I’ll give your stupid deal a thought,” Dedede announced with a wave of his arm, “If, and only if, I’m satisfied with the results, I’ll agree ta buy in bulk. Capiche?”

“A sound strategy, Your Majesty,” crooned the Salesman, “As always, we at Nightmare Enterprises love to do business. We’ll be waiting for your call, Sire. Three days.”

The screen flicked off, and the throne room was quiet again.

Dedede glared at the TV silently, replaying the man’s last words in his mind. Three days. It sounded like a threat.

Three days.

“Bastard,” Dedede swore, brushing down his robe with anxious, trembling hands, “Damn, that Nightmare. How’d this all happen?”

He turned his baleful gaze to the supposed ‘mind control’ serums. Now what to do with those? Obviously dispose of them, but how to do it safely? The king shook his head and scooped them all up in his arms. May as well figure that out for himself then.

As he strode down the throne room, a figure stepped from the darkness, yellow eyes gleaming and assessing everything but the king.

He left the transponder active, Meta Knight mused to himself. That wasn’t unusual. The king often left tasks to be done by those he deems lesser. The knight was tempted to slip down and shut away the device himself, but… He couldn’t help but wonder what the king would do if a Demon Beast came through…

N.M.E. was wont to take advantage of an open teleporter. Anything to charge extra and wreak havoc.

Damn that Nightmare, indeed, Your Majesty. But what spurred your ire this time?

At any other time, the thought would have been wasted. But Meta Knight’s hand still remembered the hold that swallowed it not even a day ago. Even in old age, the knight was far from weak, far from slow, yet the king still managed to catch him off guard. And keep him there, without even a touch of effort. The mere seconds he spent warring with that steel manacle of a grip was enough to determine that something was off about King Dedede. And the more he observed, the more obvious it became.

The penguin had taken to wearing more clothes alongside his usual garb, a small change, but one Meta Knight noticed first. The hue of his beak and eyes were next, somehow appearing brighter and more eye-catching. Even from a far distance, he could make out the unmistakable gleam of blue, and in the darkness, his mustard yellow beak was almost reflective.

Aside from his appearance… Meta Knight’s gaze traced its way to the grand doorway. Dedede was nearing its threshold.

The king has been calmer, as of late. His near-daily explosive tantrums have practically ceased to occur. Even the other day, he had raised his voice, but never once to a yell. His argument with Tiff had sounded more like banter, as if he were entertaining the whims of a fussy child rather than the appalling rivalry the two truly had.

Then his chiding of Meta Knight's activity in his presence. He didn't think the king noticed his absences from patrols, so the Halberd was safe yet. But the king was correct in saying that he hasn't been as cognizant of the children's involvement as he perhaps should have been. In an ideal situation, he would certainly aim to shelter them, though it didn't detract from the reality they are facing. They needed to be prepared for the worst, as even now it has yet to come.

Not only that, the king was the one regularly endangering them himself... Why? He has no reason to berate his actions unless he wanted Meta Knight to put himself at risk, or...

He wasn't the real King Dedede in the first place.

The shift was imperceptible at first. Meta Knight admitted he didn’t often think much of the king beyond his dealings with N.M.E., but after the incident in the library, he could ignore the change no longer. Stepping back, the knight made for the hidden stairway leading from the loft to the antechamber.

But just as he was turning, the grand doors opened, and a screech rang out.

”I KNEW IT!”

There, in the doorway, stood Tiff Ebrum, her tourmaline eyes blazing.

“Well, that was interesting,” came the Salesman’s thoughtful drawl.

A low chuckle reverberated outward from the chamber behind him, where a dark, but faint silhouette remained suspended. The figure spared only the slightest sliver of attention towards His subordinate’s screen, before returning His yellow gaze to the project in His hands.

This one… how shall He shape it? He fussed with the creature’s Heart, watching the thing writhe in his grasp as its form contorted and twisted painfully. No, no… that’s no good. Nightmare hummed to Himself, uninspired, and crushed the Heart to start again from scratch.

"It is a rare thing to see that one act so clever,” He said at last, forming another Heart with a thought. Bits of Soul clung to the new vessel, taking the shape of a large bird. Hm…

”Shall I put him back in his place, sir?” Ever considerate. Nightmare stretched the body of the creature, sliced off its feathers and rolled the ends of its arms into hands. With the excess, he padded the thing with fibrous muscular tissue. Alas. Too lanky. This one needed more Matter…

”Perhaps…” Clawed fingers danced over the formless shapes in his other hand, rolling off more pieces of Matter to add to his current project. “The Dreamland King is hardly worth the effort you put in.”

”Consider it a leisure activity then, sir.” A leisure activity? It wasn’t the first time He has heard that excuse from the Salesman. But He will continue to allow it, He supposed. Mortals needed their little hobbies to maintain the homeostatic environment of their fragile minds. So long as this fuss resulted in the elimination of that bothersome pink fly, He cared very little of what happened to the tiny island. However, since losing His best Source, the Lord Nightmare had secured a new intolerance for insubordination.

Eyes flicked unseen to the Salesman.

If His business compatriot continued his careful ministrations across the enterprise, and remained obedient… He fretted not how often he played with the King’s strings. And He said as much while He finally put together the final pieces of His newest creation.

Its opaque yellow eyes opened and it sat up in his palm, its expression blank and unfeeling. Nightmare considered coloring it, to make it more similar to the king’s true likeness, but found the monochromatic scheme much more appealing. He wasn’t sure why King Dedede’s visage was the one He chose to emulate in this design. The man had an ugly, yet soft appearance, far from the deadly machines He tended to sculpt.

But there was something in there. Even He felt it as the copy came to life between His fingers, a hidden potential waiting to be unearthed. Who was He to deny inspiration when it struck?

Nightmare set it on a nearby dais. It slid off His hand, unblinking.

”Send this one to the Nursery.”

“Of course, sir.”

The Salesman's hands fluttered over the keyboard in front of him, and the creation was swiftly transported from the room. The Nursery was where Nightmare’s newest creations went to be altered, and it was where the Lord seemingly vanished, moments after the Dedede copy disappeared from view.

Perfect. The quiet is now accompanied by peace. The Salesman would puzzle over Nightmare’s newest addition later (no doubt a mockery of his personal interest), but for now, a show was unfolding before him.

The blonde girl had been frothing at the mouth lately, no doubt because of the always-infuriating King Dedede, and she looked ready to attack. He could commiserate with her on that front, it was just too bad he was too pressed for time to capitalize on her natural rage. perhaps another time. Dealing with Dedede never failed to be a frustrating endeavor. Particularly this most recent reaction.

Clearly the fool was listening to his slimy advisor too much again. Perhaps it was time to throw another wrench in their partnership? The Salesman drifted his cursor over the current monster database. Nightmare disliked his use of higher grade creatures without a proper backing plan, however monsters that were merely under the effects of mind control were good enough.

He selected one of the larger beasts, and had it transported to the holding chamber.

Intervening could wait for now, he’d rather see how this scene played out.

Tiff clenched her fists at the sight before her. There Dedede was, arms full of sinister goods, and the Demon Beast teleporter in full view! If only she had her camera with her… The people of Cappy Town could have used the daily reminder that Dedede was never, and will never be, up to any good. Maybe it would save them some heartache to remember that Dedede has only ever wanted to use them for his own goals!

She grit her teeth. Even if he could never be overthrown, even if it all amounted to the same sad cycle they’ve all been subjected to, she wanted everyone to finally know the full scope of his cruelty, the truth he has never ever admitted to…

That he was just as much of a monster as the Demon Beasts he ordered!

“Whatever plan you have in store, it’s not going to work! Kirby will stop you every time, so just give up, Dedede!”

The king looked unimpressed. In fact, Dedede sighed and rolled his eyes, stuffing those strange boxes into the pockets of his robe. Then, he crossed his arms and leaned back against the teleporter, a bored expression on his face.

“I’m here to say that I’ve had enough!” Tiff continued, “And I won’t rest until you stop-“ He wasn’t even looking at her, and she found herself faltering. “For… for good?” The little girl grunted and stomped her foot, shouting, “Hey! Are you even listening to me?”

Dedede pretended to jolt to attention. “Woah, there! Sorry, I was just tuning out yer baseless accusations. Uh, did you get to the part that actually involves me yet?”

Did he…?

How dare he-?

The words were a slap to the face. His nonchalant expression set a fire beneath her feet, and it took all she had not to fly at him.

Baseless?

“Baseless!” He terrorizes her home just by existing, hurts her friends, her family, just because he can, and he has the audacity to call her claims baseless?

Baseless!

Tears began to sting at her eyes, and Tiff summoned every ounce of anger and hope she had left to burn them away. She would NOT give this horrible man the privilege of seeing her cry. Not when all he does was spend every moment possible invalidating her and stomping her dreams into dust.

“You-” She coughed away the emotion grasping at her throat, growling, “You have spent my entire life ruining everything, and you’re telling me my accusations are baseless?”

Oof, girlie. Yeah, he’d be pretty mad about that too. But still. Technically speaking, he has personally done nothing to hurt her, short of heckling her a little bit. Granted, he was still also standing in for the Other Dedede, whom he has decided that he disliked very much, but that didn’t mean he was just going to stand there and take this slander. Nor was he going to let her get away with being such a pushy brat either. If he could have a civil conversation with – not one, not two, not even three – FOUR people who have actively fought against him in the past, this girl could definitely manage to take a chill pill when he’s not even doing anything. Sheesh!

”They’re bold accusations, li’l missy,” Dedede chortled, pushing off the machine to stride towards her, “I’m just wantin’ to see your proof!”

”Proof?!” He was leaning on the delivery system! What does he mean ‘he wants proof’? Proof that he’s being suspicious? Proof that he’s spent years tormenting the citizens of Cappy Town, bullying his subjects, and destroying the natural beauty of Dreamland for his own selfish goals? Proof? Was he crazy?

He was definitely driving her crazy!

“You’ve been ordering Demon Beasts for years!” Her breath came in heaves, heat stinging at her eyes and cheeks as her heart raced. Something both icy and fiery was coiled inside of her, curling her fists and clenching her jaw.

“Well you~” Dedede sing-songed, leaning menacingly into her face, “don’t know that~!” She refused to budge, but she wrinkled her nose at the feeling of warm breath ghosting over her face. The urge to swing only kept mounting higher.

“Yes~!” Tiff mocked right back, before yelling, “I do! I know you’re planning something- You’re always planning something, and if it’s ordering more monsters, I’m telling you it’s not gonna work! So just stop!” There was a subtle tremor in her words now. “Please stop!”

“Tch!” Dedede inspected his glove, looking down at her with a twisted grin, “I don’t even know what a Demon Beast is!”

Oh, that’s it. That is it!

Tiff looked like she was about to explode, a flush of red had taken over her whole face and a frustrated growl loosed from her throat. Dedede swore he could see steam coming out of her ears, and bit back the urge to apologize to her. But before he could decide to make it worse and drop a particularly mean cackle into her face, she lunged.

Instinct took over, and the grasping hands that flew at his neck were quickly caught and redirected harmlessly to the side. Dedede sidestepped, letting her weight carry her outward and away. That knight must have trained her hard, because just as quickly, she twisted her body to minimize the impact of the ground and rolled safely back onto her feet, her shoes dragging lines into the carpet.

They stared, the assailant and the assailed, silent with shock.

”Did you just… Did you just attack me?” Dedede asked, aghast. He... may have underestimated how far he was pushing her. Though, he couldn’t say that he hadn’t been expecting it, the girl seemed to be going through it, but dang, sister! What in the name of Nova, did he do to cause that?

(Or rather, ‘what did the Other Dedede do’, but he wasn’t about to fuss with semantics now.)

Tiff glanced at her hands, then looked up at him, her face paling. Whether at the horror of what she’d done, or the idea of him fighting back, he wasn’t sure, Dedede was too busy gaping at her with indignation and surprise. And he had every right! He just got jumped by a ten year-old!

(Or however old she was, he didn’t know! Ah!)

A rush of clothing fluttered behind him, and Dedede flinched from the sound as metal feet settled with the light jangle of armor.

”Tiff,” cut-in the Other Meta Knight, who apparently decided he was going to materialize before them, “you learned these skills to defend yourself. Not to harm others, correct?” His voice was firm, and carried a note of disappointment that made even Dedede cringe.

Ah- seems he can do that in every universe.

“Sir Meta Knight, you-?“ The little girl gulped as she stood from her stance, eyes watery and face crumpling. Ohhh no. No no no. Don’t do that.

Dedede averted his gaze to glare at the Other Meta Knight, who (and he cannot stress this enough!) just freaking appeared! Was that normal? Tiff didn’t seem shocked at all, but she was also preoccupied at the moment. The girl was wringing her hands together, panic-stricken and confused.

”I- I don’t know why I-“ With one last wide-eyed darting glance between him and Meta Knight, she ducked her head and clasped her hands in front of her, “I-I’m sorry, Dedede… I shouldn’t have done that.”

Dedede eyed her silently for a moment, before shifting his gaze again to the Other Meta Knight. His form was stollid as always, but he seemed expectant and curious to see what he had to say. Tch. So he wanted a show? To Halcandra with him…

These fools are about to be SO confused.

“You’re right,” the king said, breaking eye contact with the knight to set a stern look on Tiff’s hunched form, “Ya shouldn’t’ve done that. Reacting with violence is the last thing ya wanna do in an argument, kid, especially when whoever yer scufflin’ with is three times yer size.”

He didn’t wait for the inevitable stunned silence to fall. Dedede merely continued, rounding on Meta Knight this time.

“And you. I thought I told you to tell your protegé to shove off?” He crossed his arms, then gestured sharply at Tiff, “What’s this then? As the Head Knight, it is your duty to protect the residents of this castle. Not teach ‘em how to fight and make them do your dirty work for you!” The knight’s eyes flashed white, before he looked down with a bowed head. Take that, Metal Head!

“My apologies, Your Majesty. That was not my intent, when instructing her,” Meta Knight said gravely, “I will speak with Tiff, and take extra care in the fulfillment of my duties. Please, forgive us for this slight.”

”Don’t let this happen again. And Tiff,” Dedede tossed a sideways glance at her, “I’m sorry for upsetting you.” Her eyes bugged out of her head, and he let his gaze drift off, discomfort rising.

"You- You're what? Dedede-"

“A-anyway!" He was already deeply regretting speaking his mind, anxiety flipping like dolphins in his stomach. Why did he think dropping the act was a good idea? Oh, Nova. Oh, Nova, he was going to freak out. "I won’t be so nice next time, so why don’t you two-“

BZZT! CRTSCHHH!

The three of them jolted back as the teleporter roared to life. Heart already pounding, Dedede reached to grab his hammer, but his hands only met air. Shoot! That’s right…

In the background, the screen flickered to life, the pixels dominated by Nightmare’s lurid purple logo. The voice of the Salesman filtered jovially through speakers around the room.

“Your Majesty, one more thing! Frequent shoppers get a surprise gift after their 100th purchase! But since I’m so confident in your loyalty, Sire, I’m feeling a bit generous.” Dedede grimaced as the Salesman’s grinning face clicked on. “We truly hope you will consider our offer. We wouldn’t want any bad blood to well up. But in the meantime, please enjoy this complimentary monster from Nightmare Enterprises!”

“What? Hey! Turn that thing off!” The king ordered, his gut sinking. A monster? Right now? He didn’t have a weapon! And he wasn’t about to let Tiff and Meta Knight get hurt on his account!

He eyed the stone columns lining the throne room. Limestone would undoubtedly fracture into pieces under too much weight force, but he could probably hurl the fragments in a pinch.

“We assure you,” purred the Salesman, “it’s to die for.”

Man, he had the perfect two word, seven letter phrase to say to that. Too bad he's a good boy who was raised proper.

The panel folded away and the electricity swirling on the teleporter began to converge, forming a vortex of bright white light. Dedede grit his teeth, and looked back. Both Tiff and Meta Knight had their eyes affixed to the light, a cold film of terror over the girl’s face, while the knight released his cape and drew his sword. Galaxia crackled into existence. Although her shape in this reality was more curved and elegant, she looked as deadly as ever. Seeing her eased some of the tightness in his gut. Enough to get his kingly tush in gear.

“Tiff,” Dedede called. When the girl didn’t respond, he took her arm in hand, “Tiff, you need to run.” She startled, then gulped.

“What? Why’re you-”

“Stop asking why, and just go!” He hissed, more urgently now, “find Sword and Blade, and tell Waddle Doo to lock down the castle! Now!” Thankfully, all she did then was nod, before turning and slipping through the grand oak doors.

Now it was just him and Meta Knight, and the growl building from the pedestal. Whatever that thing was, it must be big.

“You happen to have an extra sword on you?”

Meta Knight glanced at him.

“No.”

“That’s fine,” Dedede replied, settling into a stance beside him, “I’ll make do.”

Chapter Text

“Zzo…” Buggenna clicked her mandibles once, twice, “Zhe king iz… pozzezzed.”

”Right-o. First prize.” The plasma whisp guard snapped their fingers and gave her finger guns.

“But zhat can’t be,” the Buggzy continued, frowning, “I caught him myzelf. He’z not-”

”Nope, he’s possessed.”

”But-“ The plasma whisp waved off her protest, insisting again that the penguin that had crashed and stolen from her garden was indeed the Great King Dedede, and not some lame impersonator, as if her senses were somehow wrong, which they weren’t. She may not be a warrior anymore, but her mind and body were still sharp. That was not the King, no matter what this lazy, dull-eyed whisp said. Buggenna would have snapped at them if she hadn’t glimpsed their parasol-wielding partner glaring daggers into their back. The waddle dee locked eyes with her and made a weak, apologetic gesture. Before turning and miming a violent attack on her partner.

The mother glanced away, biting back a laugh.

Ah. Poor thing. Having a bad partner was an affliction no soldier can escape throughout the course of their career. She only hoped the girl wouldn’t go mad dealing with it.

Amusement staved off her retort, Buggenna kept her silence as the plasma whisp began to wave around their hands. Oh boy, here we go.

“Look Ma’am, this is just our message from the higher ups,” they crackled, “They just want everyone to know that the usual, uh, apology relief package thingies are gonna be available. Which, by the way, we are willing to secure for you early for a small fee-“

The whisp was rude at best, and she had little patience for fools who refused to listen. It was a sorry sight still to see the worst of the Castle crop on her doorstep, but she would do her due diligence and report on their behavior.

”Zhank you,” the mother cut across again, clicking her mandibles at the fissure of annoyance that crossed the whisp’s dull eyes, “but I zhink I underztand now. Good luck catching zhe king.”

Plasma whisps were a hard species to come by. Rarer than most due to their strange way of coming to being, and a rarer sight still to see one native to Dreamland. As the land with almost perfect weather for every day of the year, the thunderstorms that tended to birth them were less common. Kracko’s tantrums spawned them on occasion, but Buggenna couldn’t say she had met any of the Cloud King’s offspring. Not the most doting father, the stormcloud was.

It was because of him though that most people regarded plasma whisps with undue prejudice. Buggenna knew than to lean into such a simplistic, unfounded belief. Still, she wondered if it was a coincidence that she was reminded of him now. Then again, it only takes one jackass to ruin a neighborhood.

The whisp guard eyed her for a second, before rolling their eyes and floating away without another word. The waddle dee guard bowed deeply in apology.

”Please have a nice day, ma’am. I apologize for the intrusion,” she recited, though her tone was still tinged with annoyance towards her partner. Buggenna had a feeling the girl had more love for structure and rules than she did for the sentiment of being a castle guard, but that was neither here nor there. Those who abided by law and rote made decent guards too.

Buggenna leaned down to look her eye to eye.

“Vould you mind telling me yourr namezz and codezz, dear Guard?” The girl blinked, then nodded.

”Of course, ma’am. I am Guard Recruit 34-255, or, er, Judee…” Her blush marks flushed a deeper shade, before she gathered herself and stood at attention, “and my supervisor is Guard 30-118, Private Pixo. Uh- Ma’am!”

Buggenna gave a buzzing hum as she noted the numbers, before she reached behind the door to grab a few grapes from her basket. She would send in a complaint to Sir Kibble later. It was customary to send a knight off with a gift, and the dee was quite small for her kind. Some extra food would do her good. She shut the door after sending the girl on her way, giving a buzzing sigh. Looking out the window, she heard the faint tinny of the girl’s voice as she jabbered at her uncaring superior.

She could only hope that they would find themselves in the end, because they certainly weren’t finding the king. Wherever his Majesty was.

Dedede sniffled, then sneezed himself awake. His beak felt wet.

”Wah!” With a shout, the runaway king sat up feeling as if his head had been stuffed full of cotton, and his whole body had been made out of heavy metal. He gave a big yawn, stretching his arms up as much as he could beneath the giant leaf he’d napped under.

Whoo! That was a good nap, he almost regretted having to wake up but…

Dedede’s stomach gurgled, gnawing almost painfully now. Talk about a wake up call.

”Urgh… I’m starving… Where’s a guy supposed to get something to eat around here? Magic world and still no restaurants… Yeesh.”

Food was his new priority now that he wasn’t on the run from Crazy and Crew, but it wasn’t like he was near a town or city or anything. And the only thing growing around this dumb stalk was green, green, and- WOAH!

Jangle, jangle, jangle.

With a squeak, Dedede flopped to his belly and wriggled back into the deeper shadows of the leaf. A huge hulking pack sauntered into view. Dedede could just barely see it through a gap between the margin and the grass, but it was easily double his height and triple his size. Would probably flatten him into a pancake if he got stuck on the wrong side! Suddenly the person wearing it turned, and Dedede’s mouth dropped open.

What the-!? They were… this guy was tiny! How the heck was he carrying a pack so huge?

The guard was as round and green as a pea pod, with ropelike black arms and legs, and puffy white gloves. On his head was a backwards baseball cap, and his feet shined with colorful neon rollerblades. His eyes were large too, nearly covering his whole face. He looked… vaguely familiar?

“Bonji! You wanted the tents stored here?” Called the guard. Wrapped in his spindly arms were rolled up sleeping bags, the comically large backpack looming over his tiny head. Another voice called back, deep and burly, in that squiggly talk the Crazy Dee talked in.

“Bonji,” Dedede mumbled without thinking, “what a stupid name…”

The pea-pod guard turned, huge, unblinking eyes fixed on his hidey spot.

With a strangled sound, Dedede huddled as close to the stem and his hidey leaf as he could.

Shoot! Go away, stupid green gumball!

The guard skated closer to the neighboring leaf. Almost within grabbing distance, if Dedede jumped at him… but the guy wasn’t alone, and he wasn’t looking for a repeat of yesterday’s bruising escapade.

He clapped a hand over his mouth when the guard shifted, his metal boots shifting in his direction. A questioning, curious noise and a few skates forward, and the knight was right in front of him, the only barrier being the low-hanging leaf he had hidden under. Why did he have to talk aloud? The people were crazy here! One wrong move and it was game over for him!

Dedede released a silent, quivering breath. Inside voices, like Escargoon used to say, were the difference between a wallop and a wad of cash. Although Dedede wasn’t sure if the guy was just making fun of him or not.

The grass whispered as it was lightly crushed underfoot, mere feet from him now. Dedede felt cold sweat roll down his neck, like a freezing, creeping bug. It took everything in him to not move.

“That’s funny,” the guard said, “I swore I heard somethin’.”

No! Dedede cried inside, You didn’t hear anything, you dumb pea!

“KINZUA! HERE, NOW!”

“Whup-” The guard skittered off, gear in tow, “Coming!”

Almost immediately, tension deflated out of Dedede’s whole body. Thank goodness. That was too close. He needed to be quieter if he was going to be sneaking around all these lunatics. Oh, what he would give to have Escargoon here with him! He could hear the stupid slug’s nasally voice in his head telling him to be safe, telling him to be careful. All he wanted to do was hug the little brat and cry until he felt better. Was that too much to ask? Was there a god out there that could grant his wish? Pretty please?

Dedede peaked out from under the leaf. No guards in sight. Only shuffling noises from the vine above him, and on the other side of the stalk.

The tyrant’s tummy gurgled again, and he actually winced in pain from the gnawing protest. Man, it sucked to be hungry. Curse those darn castle dweebs for making him forage around like a common animal! He was king for goodness sake, and he was supposed to be treated better than this!

Maybe those guards had food with them… That pea pod’s pack looked really big. It was Camping 101 to carry a couple snacks with you when you went out, yeah?

Seeing no one, Dedede army-crawled to the next leaf. Then the next, until his back was squeezed against the vine and the nearest opening. Looking through a bug-eaten hole, Dedede spied the tail end of their supplies.

A netted bag of fruit sat atop of a wooden crate, a bundle of orange globes of infinite potential. For his tummy.

Dedede licked his chops, his stomach twinging with pain.

If he could just get to that bag…

But he needed hearty stuff too! Not just fruit, didn’t he? Healthy diet and all that. Was there anything else he could nab?

Dedede peaked around the edge of the stalk. There was a large guard with ape-like proportions organizing crates near the stem. With his back turned, Dedede could only make out the large purple armor and even larger hammer resting on the man’s back, and the barest hint of sunglasses resting on his nose. That tiny guard was with him, and with as much ease as the other showed, skated around toting and placing crates bigger than he was.

Dedede gulped and turned his attention back onto the other pile. He took a big gulp of air and scampered behind the pile. Still holding onto his breath, he snatched up the bag of oranges, then hid again.

…

He peeked over the crates. The guards were still preoccupied. Great! Of course, only the Great King Dedede could be so perfectly stealthy! Now to get more food! Dedede scooted over to the next couple crates and paused at an open barrel that seemed to emanate with the sweet scents of peanut butter cookies… Peaking over the lip, the king’s eyes nearly burst out of their sockets.

Oh, eureka. The gods have blessed me this day!

His beak dropped open, his heart skipping a beat in his chest. This… this must be love. This must be a heaven-sent blessing! His luck was astronomical!

Because inside the barrel were peanuts. Peanuts… bigger than his hand!

And they looked… delicious.

Greedily, Dedede shoved his free hand into the barrel, and began to stuff his bag full. Oh, man, he was so hungry. He might eat these, shell and all!

“HEY!”

Dedede froze, jerking up to see the ape-like guard facing him now, his enormous hammer in hand. The guard thrust a finger at him.

“KINZUA, DROP THAT CRATE AND GRAB ‘IM!”

Dedede didn’t wait another second. He hoisted his bag of food onto his back and legged it. He’s sure he’s never run faster in his life, but still, behind him, huge footsteps thundered. He didn’t dare look back and see for fear of what he might find. Where to go? Where to go!

Anywhere! Anywhere but here!

“UNIT 3 REPORTING FROM RADIO BASE! TARGET SIGHTED, I REPEAT, TARGET SIGHTED!”

“Whup!”

"KINZUAAA!"

The sound of heavy, tumbling crates, and the bloodcurdling scream of the gorilla-like man nearly had Dedede jumping out of his skin. Fear pumped like ice through his veins, but it only made his resolve to leave that much stronger. Now was his chance, and he wasn’t the type not to seize his moment. Especially when it came to escaping!

But all around him was green. Green grass, green hills, green beanstalk, green forest-

GREEN FOREST!

Dedede’s eyes lit up. There was a wall of trees just beyond the next hill. Like Whispy Woods! He’d lose them there! There was no way they would find him, and the thought made him grin maniacally. Whispy Woods was infamous for people getting lost in it!

And so he did, gruff shouting and earth-shaking stomping fading into the background, replaced by sprawling roots and trees that just kept getting bigger… and bigger and bigger. Paths of dirt cutting through the underbrush became trails winding through moss on thick twining branches. Sunlight dappled the branches, flashes of brightness stinging his eyes as Dedede ran from light shaft to light shaft. Sounds diminished the deeper he went, until all that remained was the chitter of animals and the rustle of wind through leaves far, far above him. It didn’t occur to him until he was wedged up on a particularly large branch surrounded by nothing but wood and chirruping birds, that the guards weren’t the only ones that were going to be lost in this place.

But that was a problem for a future King Dedede. For now, he could convince himself he was safe.

Dedede heaved for air, sagging like a puddle against the sun-warmed tree bole. Second-by-second he relaxed more, until he finally remembered his bag of loot. Right on time, his belly growled, almost whale-like in its volume. Birds in the branches above him twittered and flew off in a panic as their homes were shaken by the force of the Great King’s hunger!

For some reason, Dedede found his face flushed from embarrassment. Thankfully no one was around to see that…

But ah! He was getting sidetracked again!

Yanking up the bag, Dedede chortled as he dug out a pristine peanut of epic proportions, sighing with pleasure at the delectable scent of them filling his head and nostrils. Unable to resist, he opened his beak wide, and chomped right through the shell.

Oh…

Oh, he could cry.

…

No, he actually might. His eyes were welling with tears as sweetness filled his mouth. There was something tender and warm curling in his chest, warming him all the way to his gut. The magic food tasted like… like cookies fresh from the oven. Soft and melting, just the way he used to eat them in his castle. The sun came in just like this too, during his afternoon naps, warming his feathers like the lightest, simplest blanket.

Now wasn’t there a saying that when you were missing something, you missed the boringest, littlest things first?

Well, that’s what Dedede was missing now.

He missed his home. He missed Escargoon. He missed those annoying little tykes Tiff and Tuff, and that dumb pink gumball Kirby. He missed his Waddle Dees. He missed his favorite breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, his favorite tea by his favorite balcony, he missed…

Tears rolled fat down his cheeks, and Dedede sniffled loudly as he frowned to himself, raising his other arm to wipe away the offending liquid. But the tears kept coming, as if they knew how helpless and scared he felt.

Hah! AS IF!

Dedede swallowed the bite of peanut, crushing the fragile shell in his hands a bit, frustrations mounting.

Urrrgh! He missed being in charge! He missed bossing people around! He was a king! He was supposed to be powerful! The most powerful in the land!

But here he wasn’t. Even he couldn’t deny that now. All that had gotten him so far was scars and bruises.

He wasn’t ANYTHING here. He wasn’t even tough enough to take out a stupid little Waddle Dee! An intruder, they called him, and then, suddenly, a “guest”. That was code for “next on the chopping block” if he had ever heard one! What else was he supposed to do other than run?

Who knew at this point. He was getting kind of tired crying about it, but as he took another bite, memories and feelings of contentment swarmed him again, and tears fell anew.

Memories of quiet, isolated moments by the beach or at his castle filtered in, steadily being pockmarked with the faintest recollections of his younger years, what little sparkling moments his youth had to offer.

It struck him suddenly that there weren’t many moments in his life that he could reflect on where he really was… happy. Maybe memories of being a kid on his own little island was one of them. But it was a big and old castle, and he was alone, save for his Waddle Dees. He remembered playing and eating all day, and going to sleep full, and getting up early just to do it all again.

He couldn’t pinpoint the time where that stopped being fun, but anyone was bound to become bored doing the same dumb thing everyday. Who could blame him for wanting to shake things up a bit?

So, he told the peasants in the dinky town below him that he was king and showered them with wealth and riches and new inventions. That was fun for a while, being treated like he was greater, better than all of them. And he was! It just… when you and everyone else acknowledge your own greatness, it stops being special.

Then boats started coming and going because business in the village started attracting visitors, and he thinks that’s how he met the Cabinet Minister. At least, back before he was the Cabinet Minister. The Ebrum fellow used to be skinnier, and less timid, if memory serves right, and his wife was younger and prettier. Dedede might’ve fallen for her if she didn’t have such a nasty glare back then.

He remembered how Ebrum talked like he knew everything, about his kingdom, about the village of peasants and their wares. The peasants loved him for it, and Dedede remembered how angry that made him. Because he didn’t know anything, because he wasn’t the special one anymore. Ebrum was there to help, to lead and make the village better. Like a king was supposed to do. Like HE was supposed to do.

So he hired Ebrum, and made the man’s achievements his own. And the people loved him again. Business boomed, and the village got richer, with nicer shops and new things. New foods, and new faces, and new wares, and new services.

But it still wasn’t enough. They were exciting for all of a few seconds before Dedede was searching for more.

Then along came Escargoon.

Dedede wasn’t all that impressed with the bookish little snail that came up to him to ask for work. But it wasn’t like he was going to turn away new entertainment. So Escargoon worked out of the castle, flipping through books Dedede never bothered to read (because he didn’t know how and he was starting to believe it was beneath him anyway).

When Escargoon showed Dedede his first invention, the king found himself enraptured. It was a little thing, a serum that could make a seed grow into a big plant in minutes. Dedede was so impressed, he must’ve showered the snail with praise for hours, asking again and again to see the serum in action. Imagine his delight when they found out that it made plants of produce huge!

Only to be struck by disappointment when they tasted terrible. That talentless hack of a snail… Dedede shook his head, wiped away his drying tears before he returned to nibbling his food thoughtfully.

What happened next after that? It kind of blurred together then. He made Escargoon invent a bunch of things, played with them, got bored, and ordered a new invention. There was something he was missing…

Ah, that’s right! The salesman.

Not THE Salesman. Like the creepo with the suit and tie that sells him Demon Beasts, but, like an underling version of him. Offering services that were beyond his wildest dreams! Or nightmares.

Sure, he’d said, why not? Like a proper king. All were welcome in Dreamland.

He remembered that Escargoon wasn’t delighted at all by his new guest. He remembered the snail asking if his inventions, his services weren’t enough already for King Dedede.

And Dedede… didn’t say no. He didn’t want to hurt his friend’s feelings back then… for some reason. But he did say that there was nothing wrong with a different perspective, and let the salesman stay the night in his castle.

This was the part that really got blurry. He can’t say he really recalled what happened after the salesman came to stay at his castle, but he remembered that by the time he vanished the following morning, his throne room had undergone… some renovations. The teleporter machine was there, and in the middle of it there was a book. And when he took it in hand and sat upon his throne, he found that the book was full of pictures.

By accident, his hand touched something on his throne, and a panel popped out of the wall. And there was the Salesman. The Salesman who dared to insinuate he was a weak king, and in the same breath, told him he could help him become greater than he already was.

Greater how? Was there really greatness beyond him?

You are already great, Escargoon assured.

But he wasn’t really. He knew that. He had always known. But nobody else did, and they couldn’t find out either. He couldn’t let them, not now and not ever.

There was always something new, dangerous and unexpected with the Demon Beasts. It was like forbidden entertainment, scary and silly at the same time. It was powerful, addicting even. Dedede found himself craving destruction, pranks that were painful and cruel, the glint of terror in the eyes of the peasants. When Demon Beast prices rose, so did taxes on his citizens, then tariffs, then liabilities, and all the fancy names that got him money. Anything to buy just one more. And another one after that, and another one after that.

He barely remembered Meta Knight and his knaves coming to the castle, lost in the blur of chaotic fun. Though, he remembered that the Ebrum fellow had had babies by then, and that the knights seemed to patrol that wing of the castle often, especially at night. Not that it was important or anything. He had cooler things to focus on.

Dedede crunched through the last of his current peanut before he stilled, his mind buzzing with energy and the sharpest recollection of memories he’s had in a while.

“Why?” He mumbled aloud, mostly to hear himself talk, though part of him wished someone familiar would answer, “an’ why now alla sudden?”

Chapter Text

“Uh… Kirby?” The pink boy looked back, half of a flower hanging from his mouth. Bandana Dee sweatdropped.

”Yeah?”

”Where are we going?” The hero looked around, munching absently.

”Oh, y’know. Around.”

Currently, they were running through the fields bordering Whispy’s woods. This, Bandana had little problem with. It was the frequent stop for snack breaks that was starting to ramp his anxiety. And to eat flowers of all things… Granted, Lovelys were kind of a pest, preying on unassuming livestock and all that, but now wasn’t really the time to do odd jobs for the local farmers…

”Kirby,” the waddle dee sighed, “I thought we were going to find the Other Dedede!”

”We are!” Kirby insisted, before he shrugged, “But we have no idea where to start, right?”

Ah… He WAS right about that.

”Well… yeah…”

”Then don’t worry about it!”

”But-“

”Oh, look!” Kirby cried, leaping into the air and waving his paws excitedly, “Bandee, look, it’s Coo!” The pink boy scampered off calling after his woodland friend, leaving the Captain of the Castle Guard dragged his feet behind him. Would it kill him to worry a little bit about King Dedede? Bandana was shaking in his non-existent shoes at the time they were wasting, but what else could they do? Until word came of the Alternate Dedede’s whereabouts, they were in the same boat as the rest of the Guards.

“Cooooo!” Kirby hollered again. Bandana winced.

All Bandana could do was put his faith in Kirby again, and trust he and his friend will find the Other Dedede, one way or another.

He couldn’t promise that he would stop worrying though.

Together, the duo approached Coo’s current roost. The owl seemed to be enjoying the warm day, curled against the splits in the branches. His purple plumage was speckled with sunlight, and his face placid with sleep.

Not for long, though.

”Coo!” Kirby shrieked, his voice becoming shrill, “I’m calling you!” Bandana Dee winced, reaching up to rub his ear. The bird barely shifted beyond a ruffle of his feathers and a snuggle into the branches he was leaning against. Lazily, a beady black eye opened halfway to peer down at the pink demon harassing him.

“Pipe down, will you?” Coo asked grumpily, “or come up here and whisper nicely. Can’t you see I’m sleeping?”

”Oops,” Kirby mumbled, before he winked at Bandana, who only rolled his eyes and poked his friend in the side. Kirby loosed a small giggle before he puffed himself up and floated into the tree to settle beside Coo. “We have an emergency!”

”Still too loud,” the bird chided again, though his eye closed again as he mumbled, “What sort of emergency?”

Not a second passed before Coo was audibly snoring, clearly feigning sleep. The act may have worked when he was baby, but decades now into the hero business, Kirby only rolled his eyes. He inhaled deeply, then-

“When I woke up this morning, I rolled out of bed and hit my head on the floor! It wasn’t that bad though because I slid down my blankets, but when I got up and looked around I saw Elfilin, and then I woke them up and I felt kinda bad about it too, but it’s okay because they weren’t mad or anything because then I told them about my plans for a family picnic! And I was really excited ‘cause they told me Sir Meta Knight brought them back, so that was really cool because it meant they flew aaall the way across the GALAXY, but anyway Meta Knight said Dedede was missing and that’s no good because he needs to bring an ice cream cake to the picnic, so now Sensei’s going to talk to Magolor-“

”Ooogh! Kirby!” Coo groaned, clapping his wings over his tufted ears, “You always do this! Squawk in my ear until it falls off!” The owl gave a harried hoot as he fluffed himself up and finally, finally sat up, bristling, but attentive.

Kirby muffled more giggles behind his paws as Bandana struggled his way up the tree. With a grunt, the boy hopped onto the hefty stob beneath the bird and his friend, his paws just barely flopped over the top branch.

”Sorry to disturb you, Coo,” simpered the waddle dee, brown eyes glittering where they peeked over, “But it’s really important, I promise. Have you happened to see someone that looks a LOT like King Dedede around?”

Coo raised a brow, glanced at Kirby questioningly, then looked back at the dee.

”Seen him around? Is this some sort of trick question? I saw him lounging around Whispy Woods eatin’ peanuts just a bit ago. Looked like the fancy ones from Bonkers Beans ‘N Bundle.” Coo shrugged. “He looked a bit silly, sittin’ there in his nightstuffs!”

Kirby and Bandana Dee looked at one another in shock, then turned to Coo in perfect unison.

”Where!?”

—

Dedede had fallen into a light doze after his rollercoaster of a luncheon and when he woke up, his eyes were crusted and his head ached. But, he was still pleasantly full, and with more food to spare. That would come in handy, no doubt, on the road ahead.

Road ahead to where? Who knows. Anywhere was better than that stinkin’, totally-not-better-than-his-castle castle and Crazy.

Dedede made a pouty face, thinking on it. H

Well, he did like the clothes… and the bed. The food was weird but he liked new cuisines. Although that fish thing was one rice ball away from being sushi, so maybe things weren’t all that different. Did these guys still have hotdogs? How about pizza?

Dedede gave a big stretch, feeling his back crackle a little bit. Agh, the sound made him feel old, but oddly enough, despite the weird slump he was in against the tree, his body was completely free of soreness. He had practically run a marathon today, from that big vine down to the grass fields, then away from that giant guard to these giant-er woods. It was the most physical he’s gotten in a while, not like that ever stopped him before, but still…

It was a question for another day. Because right now he was in a forest with the biggest, thickest trees he’s probably ever seen.

Which, ah- Oh, wow, they really were giant. His eyes bugged as he took everything in a bit more clearly. Huge, huge towering trees surrounded him. Less like trees and more like skyscrapers, they nearly blotted out the sky with their enormous, reaching branches.

Enormous limbs reached out to each other, meshing like catwalks between the boles, easily wide enough to mistake for a path. Where each “path” met the tree bole, a hollow opened up with glowing fronds and mushrooms lighting the way inside.

The sky was all but blotted out by their canopies, rivulets of powder blue streaming through where the leaves shied away from one another. Greens and vines poured like waterfalls from the hollows, smattered with lichens and summer flowers. Splashes of color flitted through the woods, twittering as they went by, birds and mammals of every shape and size, all busy at work. He saw green robins toting sticks, a family of fluffy bunnies, and even a giant purple owl (who looked… strangely familiar, but then again, lots of things did).

Looking down over the edge, the roots entwined themselves on the forest floor in much the same way as the branches were. Where bulging root wads didn’t conquer, large ferns, moss, and forbs sprouted, some of them even peeking out from the cracks in the wood itself. Not that he noticed too much of that, too busy clinging to the safety of his hide-y hole after vertigo decided to rear its ugly head.

Why was he always finding himself at death defying heights? Dedede burped as his stomach flopped, trying his darndest not to hurl. He could probably make a killer treehouse resort in this place. Hundreds of thousands of dededen… the revenue would be killer. It might even take him out of debt.

Like he was planning on paying those Nightmare ninnies a single Deden.

The king sighed, nausea abating. Thinking about money always made him feel better. And food. But he had plenty of that for now.

Welp. Enough dawdling. He was starting to get bored, and as much as he’d like to procrastinate running away from a bunch of uppity midgets, he didn’t have much else to do now other than get his ear twittered off by woodland creatures.

Which, surely to the surprise of many, he’d rather not.

Dedede hoisted himself to his feet, snatching up his netted bag as he went, and set off towards the next bridgelike branch. He followed each path as long as he could, until it either ended, or a longer one showed up. Sometimes, he would have to jump down to a lower branch, or heave himself up to a higher layer, which he did with fantastic displays of strength and agility, as a Great King would.

The minutes passed by without drama. Dedede found himself whistling that little ditty he’d heard that morning, marching and hopping from branch to branch with the beat in his mind. The scent of flowers and damp wood made each breath feel fresher than the last, a light mist kissing his feathers with the breeze. The branches beneath his feet were firm and clear, for the most part, pockmarked by bits of moss and the tangle of flowering grass.

In fact, it was so peaceful and quiet that, after a while, Dedede took another break! He’d clambered down the layers to a nice clearing in the middle of all the towering wood, where a much smaller (but still massive) tree sat in the middle of an almost perfect circle of sunlight. Sitting his keister between large tan roots, Dedede heaved a sigh, relaxing against the sun-warmed bole.

What luck! Of course only he with all his incredible survival prowess could secure such a comfy spot! That girl Tiff would’ve never been able to find such a place, and her stupid little brother Tuff… Hah! He doubted that dunce would’ve been able to get away from those guards at all!

Nah, Dedede was an executive package deal. The Brain. The Brawn. The Bodaciously Bangin’ Body! Honestly, he had it all, and no recognition for it!

He’s always had the perfect eye for things. Why, this spot right here, if he had his way, would’ve made a perfect slot for a clubhouse. Oh! A treehouse putt putt golf course! That was sure to turn up a profit!

”And underneath alla that, we’d have the real golf course,” Dedede chuckled to himself. “If I had it my way, I’d get rid of all these too-big, good-for-nothin’ trees. They just take up space. Stupid things…”

Of course, he knew that trees were “good to have” and all that. Something, something, air quality or however Escargoon put it, but it wasn’t like there needed to be a whole lot of trees to do just one silly job! A forest could be a handful of trees too, though, couldn’t it? It wasn’t his fault them overgrown bushes don’t got no clue about efficiency!

He harrumphed triumphantly to himself, stretched out, overlapping his gloved flippers over his belly, and closed his eyes.

Hum…

…

Ha…

…

The king peeked an eye open, brow furrowing.

Huh. That was odd.

He glanced around at the vacant sun circle, then toward the trees beyond. Nothing looked out of place, but that wasn’t really the thing that was bugging him. It was just… well…

The birds stopped singing.

And the ground… it was starting to rumble.

Dedede froze, watching the soil in front of him start to shift.

Uh. Oh.

—

Kirby hummed as he and Coo flew up and around Whispy Woods’ forest. Running beneath them, leaping from branch to branch, was Bandana Waddle Dee. Kirby had offered him a ride along, since Coo was more than strong enough to tote them both, but the dee had refused, stating something about “needing eyes on the ground.” Which Kirby found a bit silly, but he kept that thought to himself. Bandana was acting more like Sir Meta Knight every day, not that it was a bad thing, but Kirby already had his work cut out for him getting his grumpy blue ni-chan to take the day off! He didn’t need to add another name to the list!

Ah, well. This just meant he needed to arrange the biggest, coolest picnic after they got their Dedede back. Maybe the Other Dedede liked picnics too? May as well find out!

Now what to make… Oh, he definitely had to make coconut marshmallow cakes, and banana pudding, and fruity parfaits for Meta Knight! He’ll make chocolate chip cookies for Bandana, and bring apples to make fresh cider with Mace Knight’s cider press. Maybe he could get Adeleine and Ribbon to make everyone finger sandwiches? Oh! And cranberries were in season now! He should totally pick some up and make pie-

”Kirby- hoo, jeez- Quit thinkin’ about food, you’re squeezing the life outta me!” Squawked Coo, flapping his feathers into the pink boy’s face.

”Eep! Sorry Coo! I’m just so excited about the picnic, I guess I forgot where I was.”

Coo grumbled to himself at that, before his fluffy ears twitched and he spoke again, “Picnic you say? Well, I never turn down an opportunity for free food. Are there any mice on the menu?” Kirby giggled.

”No, but invitations are open if you wanna come!”

”Hm… Will the Squeak Squad be there?”

”I can ask them to be?”

”Mm. We’ll see then.”

Kirby gave another giggle as he reached over and patted his woodland friend’s feathery head.

”You better not eat any of the Squeakers!” Or else I’ll eat you! The threat was clear as day. Coo scowled, swatting Kirby’s squishy paw with his tufted ear.

”Fine…”

Bandana huffed as he leaped up and spun his spear in the air like helicopter blades, his body swaying back and forth as he weaved through the trees. Kirby’s laugh echoed above him, and he wondering briefly what he and Coo were talking about.

Dodging a few peraras, Shotzos, and a stray Laser Ball, Bandana Dee landed on the branch of a tree a ways in front of the giggling duo.

Friendly and amiable to a fault, that Kirby. Truly, Bandana wanted nothing more than to be as kindly as his best friend one day.

Wrapped up in his thoughts, Bandana turned face first into a hoard of Chips fleeing the woods.

His shout of surprise made the flurry of tails startle and scatter, the sea of chirruping animals rushing like a sea around him. Bandana found himself spinning on his tippy toes, spiral disks whirling in his eyes before the torrent ended and he was left flat on his bum.

Urgh… what was that? The guard shook the dizziness out of his eyes and hopped to his feet, fixing his skewed bandana with a swipe of his paw. He watched the back of the pack flip and bounce out of sight. But why were they running in the first place?

The whoosh of wings sounded above his head, ruffling the leaves of the tree he stood on. Kirby and Coo had arrived, looking at him curiously.

“You alright, aibo?” Kirby asked. Bandana scratched his cheek thoughtfully.

“Something’s going on deeper in the wood,” he replied, before glancing at Coo. “You said you saw Dedede, right? What was he doing?”

Coo tilted his head consideringly, before giving a strong wingbeat and landing beside Bandana on the branch. “Well, he looked a bit weepy when I first saw him. I figured I ought to give the king some alone time to deal with…whatever it was.”

Bandana frowned.

“He was ‘weepy’?”

“Awww,” Kirby cooed pityingly, looking into the woods with big doleful eyes, “He was crying? Poor guy, he must feel so alone!” He made a determined face next, seeming resolute about something. “We’ll have to invite him to the picnic. That’ll cheer him up!”

Coo and Bandana sweatdropped.

“What else was he doing?” The Captain continued, trying to ignore the idea of the fake Dedede at their “family” picnic. Not that he’d be overly upset if he were to attend, delusional and rude the man might be, he’d just… rather have his own Dedede back. The kindly one. The one that cared and looked after him like they were family.

Because they were, in a sense. At least, Bandana thought so. King Dedede and Kirby were the only people he had really, other than his cousin Sailor Dee. Sir Meta Knight was important to him too, but it was… different. Kinda. No- yes! Agh, not important right now, Bandana!

Coo’s hum broke his train of thought, and he blinked back to reality in time to watch the owl shake his head.

“Just weepin’ and eatin’. Nothing too unusual. I saw him on my way out to my napping roost, mumbling to himself beneath Whispy’s canopy.”

Kirby looked surprised.

“He was sitting with Whispy? Whispy’s not gonna like that. Something, something ‘soil compaction’.” The hero shook his head and shrugged, “‘T’s why I always just sit in his leaves.”

Bandana was pretty sure the Forest Guardian didn’t like that either, but Kirby wasn’t exactly someone you said ‘no’ to.

Was there a term for weaponized positivity? Maybe that was it…

“Whatever the case, we’ve got to get moving!” Bandana said with exasperation, “For all we know something-”

A large boom sounded in the distance, and Bandana choked on his words. That came from the heart of the woods, where Whispy himself lived! Silently, Kirby leapt onto Coo’s back again, and the bird launched into flight as the waddle dee scrambled to follow suit.

They’ve wasted too much time. Hopefully they could find the Alternate before Whispy did him in!

—

“HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO FOOLISH?” A root tendril slapped down beside him and he screamed as the earth beneath his feet shook and rumbled further. The impact made him trip, and thank goodness too, as another tendril swooped over his head, snatching his borrowed sleeping cap. Cold air ruffled his thin feathers, fear gripping his spine with icy claws as he finally found his voice and screamed over the din. He was going to die! He was going to die!!!

“ALL THESE YEARS, I BELIEVED YOU INTENDED TO KEEP YOUR OATH TO RESPECT MY FOREST,” The giant tree continued to bellow, shaking the ground, the trees, even the sky. “I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS ONLY A MEANS TO CONCEAL YOUR TREACHERY!”

Dedede had no idea what this whacko tree was saying, but he knew he sounded angry. Whatever rage the Whispy he knew ever threw was like a baby’s tantrum compared to this guy. But Dedede wasn’t really concerned about that. There were other, more pressing matters to attend to, like running for his flippin’ life.

The penguin scrambled to his feet, ducking and leaping over tendrils that swept and stabbed as he fled from the clearing. Only for the ground in front of him to burst. A wall of roots and dirt pierced the sky above him, sending him toppling with the force of moved earth beneath his feet. Streaks of rich dirt joined the plethora of stains already covering his body. Screeching, Dedede rolled onto his belly, his feet and hands digging into the softened earth as he desperately crawled away.

More tendrils shot from the ground and wound themselves around him, twisting and squeezing painfully. Dedede began to rip them away in a frenzy, but they were too strong and there were too too many. Their hold on him tightened, his body nearly immobilized.

“Stop- STOP!” He wailed. He couldn’t move, could barely breathe. Spots danced in his eyes, his vision blurring with tears. “LET GO OF ME!”

And then he was flying, his limbs freed and his body soaring away. Whispy had thrown him, his rotund form bouncing against the wall of roots and skidding along the ground. Dedede gasped for air, his body trembling and weak. With exhaustion, with fear, he couldn’t tell. But he was so tired.

He flinched and cowered as the tree spirit roared with strength, watching as his bole grew twice its size, his canopy thickening until the patch of sunlight that made this place so serene and special was blotted out and Dedede’s woodland prison was shrouded in shade. Apples larger than his head thudded to the ground, swarming and bashing against him as he huddled into a ball, begging for this ordeal to just be over.

“Whispy! Leave him alone!” With what little strength he had left, Dedede looked up, seeing only a pink splotch of color amidst the darkness, and then…

He heard a powerful whoosh of air, like the world’s strongest vacuum. The red shapes of enormous apples lifted and vanished into the swirl of suction. Dedede dug his flippers into the ground, screeching as the familiar power threatened to sweep him away too! Soon enough, he flopped against the ground, gravity normal, and he scrambled around to see who had saved him from a fruit-filled end.

His eyes widened.

“K-Kirby…?”

The pink boy’s body bulged as he closed up his mouth, his face tight with effort as he spat out a huge cluster of stars. Their glow sent streaks of light that cut through the shade of the canopy as they rocketed like an asteroid into Whispy’s face. There was an audible crack as the massive star bullet exploded into a thousand, tiny, star-shaped sparks.

The tree howled with pain, his bole swaying from the impact and streaked with black singe marks, his eyes reduced to spirals. In one blow, the tree spirit was stunned to unconsciousness, his root wall and canopy receding as he shrank to his original size, his expression dazed and tearful. Light spilled into the clearing once more and Dedede felt like he could breathe again. Sort of.

“Oh, Nova,” came another voice beside him, and Dedede turned, then recoiled upon seeing the crazy waddle dee from the previous day. What was he doing here? Too weak to really shuffle away, the penguin resorted to glaring at the dee hatefully. Unabashed, the waddle dee moved closer, a look of shock and worry in his eyes.

“Ge’ ‘way fr’m me…” Dedede slurred. He blinked slowly, and opened his eyes to that familiar purple owl.

”Um, Bandana. He doesn’t look too good.” There was that squiggly talk again. Now that he really thought about it, Dedede thinks he might have heard it spoken before. Maybe some cartoon he didn’t like? Eurgh… He felt like… he was about to be sick.

”Dedede. Hey! Dedede!” Bandana waved his paw in front of the penguins’ face, startling a bit when the king proceeded to nod off and faceplant into the soil.

Kirby rolled up balancing on an apple. When he hopped down, he ate it in one gulp. Crunching loudly, he hummed with happiness.

”Mhmm! I forgot how delicious these were!” He exclaimed, before the pink boy stopped beside Dedede’s unconscious body. He lifted his foot and prodded him with it. “Wuh oh. Is he dead?”

Bandana Dee sighed.

”Thankfully, no. Let’s get him back to the castle…”

—

It seemed that the girl had some brains after all. Pixo had no idea what she said to that uppity Buggzy, but Judee still managed to return with a bundle of those famous Tang Kyoho grapes that she seemed to barely manage to carry. Like the considerate superior they were, they took some off of her hands and began to peel them.

”Good haul. Let’s scarf these down and hit the next house.” Judee glared at him, but accepted the grape they peeled for her.

”She gave them to us because she was being nice, Pixo. Don’t you feel bad about conning people into giving us their food?”

”Not even a little bit. We’re paid next to nothing to protect these folks, I think they should give a bit back to-“

“We live and eat at the castle for free, sir. And our monthly stipend is more than what most people make in the entire Valley! How is that not fair?” She growled and bit into her grape. Sheesh, the least she could do was enjoy it. Would it kill her to relax? “And another thing. The King isn’t possessed. He’s missing. There’s another Dedede in his place from another reality-“

“So he’s possessed.”

“No.”

“It’s literally the same thing.”

“It’s literally not!”

Blah, blah. Nova, could this girl get more annoying? Pixo crunched into their second grape, feeling the delicious, sugary fruit dissolve and crystallize in their plasmorax. Ahhh…

“Pixo! …Pixo!”

Crunch, crunch.

”Pixo!”

”Oh my NOVA!” Pixo threw their hands in the air, whirled around and sent a Shock at the ground beneath Judee’s feet. “I’ve ignored you for hours. Get a hint-“

”No!” Judee snapped as she deflected the blast with scarcely a flinch. She shook the sparks from her parasol, before she decided to just shake it at them instead. ”The king isn’t possessed! Why are you telling everyone that he is?”

”Uuugh, this again-“ Eyes suspended in plasmic energy rolled, somersaulted, before resurfacing to glare at their partner, “I told you before that the distinction doesn’t matter. Can’t you just leave it at that? Why do you always have to make everything so complicated?”

”I’m trying to make things RIGHT!” Judee stamped her foot, “What was the point of going through schooling, going through training, if you’re just gonna be a lazy slob who takes the easy-way-out all the time?”

Pixo stilled, before they glared, arcs of blinding white plasma skittering across their form like lighting over a neon thundercloud.

”Well,” they said, their voice crackling with static and venom, “what’s the point of all that schooling and training if you’re just a talentless, weak little Dee who thinks she’s got what it takes to be anything more the useless, cheating brat she is!”

”Cheating!?”

“Oh, don’t think I don’t know your type,” they hissed scornfully, their core flaring with heat as they got in her face, almost blinding with its light. Judee flinched away, but they didn’t care. They grabbed her paw and yanked her closer, their voice crackling and sparking, “You think that all it takes to be a guard is smarts and know-how, but it doesn’t. Look around you, look at your peers, your superiors, the other battalions. All of them are bigger, stronger, more capable than you. And that’s all this service needs; muscles and the ability to freaking remember your own damn name.”

”P-Pixo, let go of me-“ They did, and she stumbled back. Eyes narrowing to slits, they continued.

”Your efforts are wasted on idiots and a dream. And I think you know that.” They chuckled without humor, waving a hand. “So what do you do? You take what you can get. You cut corners, lie on your reports-“

”I don’t lie-“

”You team up with the big guys in your crew and weedle your tiny self into their hearts with big pleading eyes and promises to do their paperwork. Grab the records and make yourself look good any way you can, because Nova knows you can’t do any real work.” They knew they were right. They’d seen her report on their join activities, ones that largely relied on them doing the hard labor, picking up her slack in exchange for food or paperwork relief.

”That’s not true!” Her voice was starting to wobble. Pixo had half a mind to stop now, but they’d already gone this far.

”And no one double-checks! No one thinks twice. You talk down to me for slacking? You can’t even do half of what I do. You can’t fight, you can’t keep pace, you can’t even pull your own weight. That’s 90% of the job, sweet cheeks! All you know how to do is take advantage of people who see you for what you are and just look away. Nova knows that’s why you’re still out here, rather than an office where that head and big mouth of yours might be useful.”

Tears had bubbled from her eyes to drip down her cheeks. Even her grip on her parasol, which she’d grabbed when they approached, was shaking. If she had any gumption, she would’ve drawn her weapon on them. If they had any gumption, they would’ve…

Pixo sighed, their glow fading back to bright green, the air cooling around them as they looked at the crying girl tiredly. The both of them. One desperately trying to be something she’s not, and the other trying to get away from what they are.

Two losers in a pod.

How exhausting.

”Get a grip. We’re skipping the Plains. Let’s head down the Dreamstalk and reassess at the radio station.”

With a wet sniff, Judee rubbed her eyes messily.

”But we have to -hic- finish our patrol…”

”Based on that Buggzy’s report, manpower is wasted up here. Dedede’s way more likely be wrecking havoc on the ground, if not now, than very nearly in the future.” They felt annoyance tighten their core again, but ignored it as they said, “I’ll note in our report at the station that it was my decision to skip town, if that… makes you feel better.” As if that would assuage her miserable self. Pity finally reared its head, and Pixo found themself drifting downwards, pulling a handkerchief from their glove and pressing it into her paw.

She looked at him, flabbergasted. They rolled their eyes.

“Go on,” they said, “you’re a castle guard, aren’t you? Start looking like one.” Judee accepted it silently, rubbing the cloth over her face and blowing her nose.

They didn’t hear her say thank you, but they didn’t care. They didn’t feel like they deserved it either.