Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“You look cheery.”

Rey’s head snapped up at the sound of Ben’s voice. It startled her—she’d been so consumed in her thoughts that Rey hadn’t noticed him approaching.

He grinned. This didn’t do anything to relieve how tight and twisted Rey’s insides felt, but her expression softened. A bit. 

“Hey,” said Rey.

“Hey. Hang at my house? My mom’s still at work, but she got me a frozen pizza for dinner. We can split it, if you want.”

“Okay.” Rey straightened from where she sat on the bench. 

They always met here, at the tiny, rarely used park in the stretch of woods that separated Ben’s neighborhood from hers. It was almost exactly halfway between their houses, and meeting here spared either of them a lengthy walk alone.

Together, they made their way down the path that led to Ben’s street. As they walked, Rey noted quietly, “Your hair’s still long.”

“I know, thank god. Mom was gonna take me for a haircut on Saturday, but she had to go into the courthouse and forgot.” He ran his fingers through his bangs, then glanced at Rey.

Her heart quivered at the way Ben’s eyes squinted when he smiled. Rey thought everything he did was cool and cute.

“She’ll probably make you before school starts.” Rey’s stomach clenched. The first day of school was close. Too close.

“Maybe. She’s been extra busy, though. Aunt Amilyn picked me up from camp every day last week because mom couldn’t leave work in time.”

Once they were inside, Ben made sure to pre-heat the oven before they descended to the basement, their usual spot for hanging out when they were at his house. 

Rey normally would’ve sat right next to Ben, but today, she settled herself on the far end of the couch, a few feet away from him.

“So,” Ben said. “What’s wrong? What did you want to talk about?”

Rey focused on twisting the frayed edge of her shorts around her finger. Something about looking at Ben right now felt too intimidating, as though if they made eye contact, he’d be able to perceive exactly how emotional she felt. Rey didn’t want him to think she was weird or dramatic or crazy.

“I’m really nervous about school starting,” said Rey. “Like—really scared.”

A pause. “Well, that’s a relief. That’s awesome, actually.”

Rey’s head turned sharply. “What? Why?”

“I don’t know. Your email made it sound like there was an emergency. And you seemed really sad. I thought you were going to tell me you were sick, or had two weeks to live or something. So this is much better than you dying.”

“I wish I was dying.” Rey collapsed sideways onto the couch cushion.

“Don’t say that.”

Stubbornly, Rey said, “I mean it.”

“Stop. Tell me why you’re scared. High school is really fun, you’ll love it.”

Rey’s nose crinkled. “It’s only fun for you because you’re popular.”

Ben snorted. “I am not.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Not.”

“You are,” she insisted. Rey counted each point on her fingers. “You play football and were the only freshman on varsity. The track coach pulled you out of class to beg you to try out for the team. Two girls asked you to homecoming, and one of them was a sophomore. And you’ve been to”—Rey dropped her tone, even though she knew Mrs. Solo wasn’t home—“three drinking parties.” And his mom was rich, which Rey was learning mattered more and more as they got older, but Rey resisted the urge to include this fact. Ben sometimes got upset when she noted any prominent differences between their home lives. 

Ben rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Okay, okay, fine. I don’t think I’m popular, but I’ll surrender that point if you tell me what you’re scared of.” When Rey didn’t answer right away, Ben added, “I can guess. You want me to start guessing?”

“No,” Rey said quickly, deciding that she didn’t want to hear the wild things Ben would name in his attempt to amuse her. “It’s—it’s a few different things.”

After Rey was silent for another few minutes, Ben said, “Start whenever you’re ready. No rush at all.”

“Thanks.”

“Seriously, take your time. I can be patient.”

“Okay.”

“No”—Ben dragged out the word—“rush at all. None whatsoever. Take all the time you need. But in like a month or two, if you feel like telling me, maybe—”

Rey sat up and threw a pillow right at his head, which swiftly shut Ben up. 

“I get it,” Rey said, looking down at her lap again. She sighed. “Okay. First… you know I don’t have a lot of friends at school. Not close ones.” Ben had gone to a private middle school, so they’d never attended somewhere together. But Rey had told him her worries about not having enough friends in her grade, and had expressed her joy whenever she did get invited to something. “And it’s—I mean, there are three different middle schools that filter to AHS. So I’m only going to know a third of the people in my grade, and I don’t even have a best friend, let alone a friend group, and so I feel like I’m going to be even more alone. Like—like everyone else is already settled in their groups and I’m always going to be by myself.”

She shot a brief look at Ben. He was observing her neutrally without a trace of judgement on his face. 

Rey took a deep breath and continued. “And I don’t have cool clothes. Maz said she was saving up so we could go to the mall and I could get a new outfit. I know I’d be able to get more stuff if we went thrifting, but there’s never anything that cute in my size. So either way, I’m not going to have good stuff to wear every day.”

Rey snuck another glance at Ben. He was picking at a loose thread on the couch and wasn’t looking at her.

“And I don’t have a boyfriend,” Rey added in a quieter voice. “Nine girls in my class already have one. And it’s not like anyone’s going to want to date the friendless loser anyways.” She looked over at Ben and said, “That’s it. Why I’m nervous. I feel like it’s going to be the worst four years ever.”

Ben made eye contact with her. “Worst case, just a loser. I don’t think you are, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m your friend,” he said. “I’m always going to be your friend. So worst-case scenario, like literally worst of the worst, you can only be a loser, not a friendless one. A… a friendful loser.”

Ben looked pleased with himself for thinking of this term, and something warm and fuzzy spread through her chest. Rey felt the same way she did when Maz hugged her and kissed her forehead. 

“Thanks,” she said. “And thanks for listening to me rant.”

“Welcome.” Ben paused, then said, “The oven’s probably ready. We can put the pizza in if you’re hungry.”

Rey nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

They both stood and made their way upstairs.

Rey sat at the kitchen island while the pizza baked, watching Ben reenact a fight that had broken out at his football camp earlier that week. Ben played six different characters including himself, and confused Rey with the different voices he used, so much so that she had to laugh.

They didn’t talk about school again that night. Nothing had changed, but Rey felt a little bit better. That was, until Ben walked her all the way home, and Rey had nothing to distract herself from the anxious thoughts in her head.

“You’d better be the one that’s sick and dying this time,” Rey said as soon as Ben was within earshot. “You can’t say there’s an emergency if it’s not one.”

Ben grinned. “What if it is one? You would probably feel guilty for the rest of your life, regretting starting our last conversation like that.”

Rey rolled her eyes and climbed from the bench. “Is there an emergency?”

“I don’t know,” Ben said. “Is there?”

On the way to his house, Rey asked him multiple times why he’d said they needed to hang out today. Ben, however, wouldn’t answer. He merely grinned and shrugged, even after Rey sighed and said please. 

Ben led her to the basement. Once Rey had sat down, Ben said, “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” Then he turned and sprinted upstairs.

His actions confused her, but Rey waited. A few minutes later, Ben returned, pulling a large plastic bin behind him.

Ben jumped onto the couch, sitting right next to Rey, and maneuvered the bin in front of him. 

“Okay. You’re scared of starting school,” Ben said. He began pulling up the corners of the lid, but then quickly turned to face Rey before removing it. “But you don’t have to be. We’re going to fix everything today and when school starts in a few weeks, you’ll have a good time.” Ben was panting from how fast he’d run up and down the stairs. “Deal?”

“Are you okay?” Rey asked.

“I’m fine. Well, I tripped in my bedroom. But all good. Deal?”

“Deal on what?”

“If I fix the stuff you’re worried about, you’ll have a good year.”

“Fix them how?”

To Rey’s annoyance, Ben repeated, “Deal?”

Rey sighed. “Deal.”

Ben lifted the lid of the tub just enough for him to reach his hand underneath. “Okay. First issue: friends. Solution one, part one.” Ben dropped a plastic bag onto Rey’s lap. It was filled with little blue tickets, like the ones given out for prizes at the state fair.

Rey frowned, confused. “Tickets?”

“176 tickets. AKA, the number of school days we have. Unless it doesn’t snow, then I think they cut some off.”

“How are tickets—”

“Every day at lunch,” Ben said loudly, shooting Rey a pointed look that made her laugh, “if you don’t have someone to eat with, you can discreetly hand me a ticket. And in return, I’ll grant you access to my lunch table, so you’ll never have to eat by yourself.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier for me to just ask if I can sit with you?”

“Um. Sorry.” Ben’s tone made Rey groan. It was how he always sounded before he started a bit, or teased her. “If you’re such a friendless loser, who in their right mind would say yes when you ask them to sit together?”

As she fought a smile, Rey muttered, “Just seems wasteful.”

“Fine. I’ll recycle them right now.”

“No—”

But Ben snatched the bag from Rey, so swiftly that she couldn’t stop him.

“Give them back,” she whined. “Ben.”

Ben held the bag in his hand farthest from Rey and reached his arm out all the way. Rey had no choice but to climb across the back of the couch to yank the bag from his grip.

When Rey sat back down, Ben said, “It’s a different bus that picks up people in your neighborhood. But I can walk to your house in the morning and we can ride that one together. I think that’s allowed. Sometimes my mom drives me to school in the winter, but I’ll only let her if she’ll pick you up too. Then you won’t have to be alone on the bus. That’s solution one, part two.”

“It’s like a seven-minute ride,” Rey mumbled, blushing. “You don’t have to do all that.”

“Not a problem. And okay. Solution one, part three. You’re going to join a sport. I’ve narrowed your best options to cheerleading or cross-country.”

Both sounded miserable to Rey. “Pass.”

Ben scowled. “No pass. They’re both teams that hang out together all the time. Plus, if you do cheer, my mom or aunt can drive us home from games if Maz is working. Or if you do cross-country, you’ll be in good shape so we can do indoor track together in the winter.”

Rey couldn’t picture herself being good at something that required any form of pep or athleticism, but she swallowed a complaint. “I’ll consider.”

“Good. I emailed you the signup information when I was upstairs.”

His thoroughness was touching. Rey smiled. “Thanks.”

“So you have me in the morning and at lunch. Practices after school to hang out with people at. And in time you’ll meet other people to hang out with on weekends. Good plan?”

“Yes. Very good.”

“Alright. Next problem is… clothes.” Ben reached underneath the lid, and pulled out a tiny black pouch that he shoved into the pocket of his shorts. Then he removed the lid entirely and pushed the bin in front of Rey. “Solution two.”

Rey looked down. The container was full of shipping bags, all stuffed full, decorated with names of stores that Rey recognized from the rare occasions she’d gone to the mall. “I… what?”

“I got you clothes,” he said. Ben reached down and began pulling articles of clothing out of the mailers, dumping them onto Rey’s lap. Jeans, t-shirts, skirts—Rey gaped as he dropped more and more. “I had to guess sizes, obviously. But my aunt said she can drive us to the mall on Thursday or Saturday, so if something doesn’t fit, we can exchange them. All the receipts are upstairs.”

“Ben.”

Rey’s lap had overflowed, and Ben emptied the next bag onto the couch between them. He glanced up at her. “What?”

Rey’s insides tightened. “Tell me you’re kidding. You—you didn’t actually buy all this stuff.”

“You think I would steal all this? I ordered it online.”

Rey shook her head and pushed away the clothes touching her. Some fell sideways onto the couch, some fell back into the bin. 

Embarrassed, Rey said, “I… Ben, I wasn’t asking you to buy me stuff.”

“I didn’t say you were. I also ordered you some… um, football stuff from the booster’s fundraiser, but I won’t get them until the week before school.”

“How expensive was all of this?”

“It wasn’t. There are tons of sales right now.”

“Ben. How much did you spend?”

“Not a lot.”

“How much?”

When Ben shrugged and broke eye contact, Rey’s stomach dropped. How expensive could it have been if he wouldn’t even tell her the number? She asked, “Why would you do that? You know I don’t have the money to pay you back for all this.” 

His head snapped up. “I don’t want you to pay me back.”

“Ben… oh my gosh. We’re returning all of this.”

He looked confused. “No. Why?”

“Because this must’ve cost a fortune.” Rey’s eyes caught on a $60 price tag attached to a pair of jeans and she almost gagged. That was six weeks of her allowance. “Did you spend every dollar you have?”

“No. I have a few dollars left.” Ben paused, but when Rey didn’t laugh, he added, “My mom gave me a limit on what to spend for back to school shopping. I didn’t even use it all on you. I’ll show you my new stuff later.”

“When your mom finds out how much you spent on me, she’s going to be so mad.”

“You know she’s not going to notice,” Ben said with an edge now present in his voice. “I see her like three times a week. I think she literally slept at her office last night.”

“But Ben—”

“I’m just saying,” he continued. “She doesn’t care what I buy. And I—I don’t want you to be scared of starting school anymore.” His tone softened. “We’ve been talking about how cool it would be to go to the same school since we met. And now you’re not happy about it anymore.”

Rey pushed another pile of clothes back into the tub so she could sit right next to Ben. “I’m excited to see you every day. It’s all the other people who scare me.”

“I know,” he said. “But I want us to have fun. If things get sucky, you know I’m going to be there for you.”

Rey didn’t respond, instead resting her head on Ben’s shoulder. 

After a minute of silence, Ben quietly said, “You were like the only person I wanted to talk to after my dad died.”

Rey cast her mind back to when, two years ago, she’d listened to the message Ben left for her after Mr. Solo passed away. They had spent a lot of time together that summer, but Rey hadn’t thought she’d done anything particularly comforting. All they’d done was hang out.

Ben continued, “I just… I’ve got you. Whatever you need. Okay?”

Rey straightened and looked up at Ben’s face. “It was really nice of you to buy all of this. But I can’t keep it.”

Hopefully, Ben asked, “Will you keep half?”

Rey paused. Having things that were new and cool would be so nice, but also, she didn’t think it was fair that Ben felt like he needed to spend this much money on her. “Maybe half.”

“Half plus the football stuff,” Ben said, smiling now. “I got you a t-shirt. And um… um, and a sweatshirt.” Ben hesitated and his expression flattened. “It’s the same one I wear a lot. It has my name and number on the back. Um—that’s kind of where I was going next. Was going to talk about next, I mean.” He cleared his throat, but didn’t say anything more. 

Rey inspected him. Ben’s face was bright red and his gaze was fixed on the ceiling. 

“What?” Rey asked.

Ben, still looking up, took the black pouch he’d removed from the bin earlier and tossed it to Rey. She didn’t pick it up, but instead watched, perplexed, as Ben continued to stumble over his words. She’d never seen him like this. “Um—my aunt makes bracelets. All kinds of jewelry and stuff. And um… the—the seniors on the football team all have girlfriends. Well, not all of them. But a lot.”

After Ben was silent for a few moments, Rey said, “Cool.”

Ben cleared his throat again. “They… I mean, the seniors, always get sweatshirts for their girlfriends. And it’s like a tradition, or something, all the girls wear them to school on Fridays for game days. To say good luck or something, I guess. I don’t know. ButsouhIumbroughtoneforyouandIfiguredIcouldbeyourboyfriend.”

Rey blinked. Ben had spoken the last sentence so quickly that she hadn’t stood a chance of understanding him. “What?”

“Um.” Ben’s leg was bouncing so fast that it made the couch shake. “Well, you’re—you’re worried about not having a boyfriend, so I ordered a sweatshirt for you. So people would think that you were my girlfriend. ‘Cause I figured, if you wanted, we could like—date. And we don’t have to—to do anything,” he added in a rush, his face going an even deeper shade of red, “but then—then you have all of your stuff that you’re nervous about fixed. And we can break up if you find someone that you actually want to be your boyfriend.”

It took a few moments for his words to sink in. Softly, Rey asked, “Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?”

“No,” Ben blurted.

The hope that Rey hadn’t dared to lean into began to diminish.

“Well,” Ben amended quickly, “yes, I am. But we don’t have to like… actually be dating.”

Rey didn’t understand. “What’s actual dating?”

After a pause, Ben said, “I don’t know. Hanging out a lot. Not, like… flirting with other people.”

“If we don’t actually date, what does that look like?”

“Being friends. Telling people we date.”

“So, just pretending?”

“Yeah,” said Ben. “I guess.”

Rey hesitated. “So that’s the one you want? To pretend date?”

Ben shrugged. “Um. I don’t want you to be scared of school anymore. So… whichever one you want. It’s up to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t care which one we do. It doesn’t matter to me at all. Like, I really don’t care.”

A twinge of hurt sliced through Rey’s chest. “That seems kinda mean,” she said quietly. “It was your idea, anyways.”

“If you don’t want to do either, you can just say that.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to.” Rey’s face now matched Ben’s in color. “I was trying to understand what you meant.”

“Well, I know we’re just friends,” Ben said. “You don’t like like me. That’s why I said we could pretend.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t… like like you. I was just confused. Sorry I don’t know the differences between actual dating and pretend dating.”

“Well, sorry the thought of being with me makes you sick.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Ben. I didn’t say that.”

“Yes, you did.”

“I didn’t.” 

“Yes, you did. You said that if I ever kissed you, it would make you throw up. So—so, let’s not even pretend to date. It was a dumb idea. I just… wanted to help.”

“I didn’t say you—I didn’t say being with you would make me sick.”

“Kissing,” Ben corrected.

“I didn’t.”

“You did.”

Angrily, Rey asked, “When?”

“Like, two weeks after we met. You accused me of lying about having ridden a roller coaster, and I wanted to show you the picture that I got on it. And we came back here and looked through that giant photo album my dad made. And there was a picture of my parents kissing on their wedding day and you said that if I ever kissed you, you would throw up.”

Rey could, very faintly, remember helping Ben turn the stiff pages of that book, but had absolutely no memory of a mention of kissing. “Ben, I would’ve been like eight. Of course, I didn’t want to kiss you. How can you even remember that?”

“I remember it because I had to make a mental note to never kiss you,” said Ben.

“I don’t think we should get upset over something I said that long ago. I don’t even remember that far back.”

He didn’t respond. After a few long minutes, Rey timidly asked, “Ben, are you mad at me?”

“No,” Ben said quickly. “No, of course not. I—I shouldn’t have even suggested it. Pretending to date would be stupid.”

“Yeah.”

“I made everything awkward, didn’t I?” 

Ben looked at her sheepishly and Rey nodded.

“A little,” she said. “But… for, um, the record, I don’t think kissing you would be gross.”

Ben looked away. “Thanks.”

“Welcome.”

More silence, then Ben asked, “How not gross?”

“Hm?”

“Like on a scale from one to ten. If one is gross and ten is not gross, where would kissing me fall?”

Rey was sure the redness had returned to her face. “I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Ben said.

“Ten?”

Ben considered this. “Ten would mean… no vomiting. No nausea or stomach upset at all.” 

“Oh.” Rey paused. “Then an eight. Or maybe a six? Whatever a mild stomachache would be.”

Ben mock-glared at her until Rey smiled.

“I shouldn’t have brought any of this up,” Ben said. “Seriously. I’m sorry.” He hesitated. “Can I have that bag back?”

She picked it up and held it tightly in her fist, in case Ben decided to grab it. “What is it?” Rey asked.

“Nothing.”

Rey pressed on the middle of the pouch. “It doesn’t feel like nothing.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Can I open it?”

“Sure,” Ben said, but didn’t necessarily sound as though he meant it.

Rey opened the bag and dumped out two braided friendship bracelets. They were identical in color, but one was a few inches longer than the other.

“I had my aunt make us matching bracelets,” Ben mumbled. “I thought it would be cool to match.”

“Mine’s the smaller one?”

Quietly, Ben said, “Yeah.”

“They’re cute.”

“I’ll tell her you said so.”

Rey wrapped it around her finger and glanced at Ben. “Matching bracelets with your pretend girlfriend?”

He shrugged. “I said I didn’t care which one we did.”

“Pretending would just be dumb. It’s lying for no reason. I want a real boyfriend.”

“Yeah. No, I get that.”

Rey took a deep breath. Her heart rate had picked up. In a rush, she said, “But if you wanted to actually date we could.”

Ben froze. “Do you want to?” 

“Do you?” 

“Well, if… if you think it’ll make you less nervous, then yeah. For sure.”

Rey’s gut squeezed. “I meant more like… do you want to date because you like me?”

“Of course I like you,” Ben said.

“I meant—”

“I’ve liked you for a long time,” Ben blurted. “And yeah, I… I really want to be your boyfriend.”

Her thumping heart swelled, so big that it took a bit more effort than usual for Rey to get air into her chest. “Okay.”

“So… we’re dating now?”

“I guess,” Rey whispered.

Ben nodded. He carefully reached over and picked up the longer bracelet from where it rested on Rey’s thigh. The brush of his fingers against her skin made Rey shiver.

Tentatively, Ben asked, “Put mine on me?”

Rey tied it around his wrist, then handed hers to Ben for him put on her. When both were secure, Ben knocked their wrists together.

“They’re cool,” Ben said.

“Yeah.” Rey hesitated, then threw her arms around Ben and squeezed. “Thank you.”

Ben wiggled his arms free so he could hug her back. “Welcome. Anything for my girlfriend.”

Rey’s stomach thrummed. Girlfriend. She hugged Ben even tighter. When she pulled away, Rey said, “We’re still returning the clothes.”

“Maybe.” 

“Yes,” insisted Rey.

Ben sighed loudly, but smiled.

“What?” Rey asked. 

“What?”

“You’re smiling.”

“Lots to smile about. I’ve got a girlfriend now, and she thinks kissing me is only a six on the not gross scale. Life is good.”

Rey flushed. “Obviously I don’t think that kissing you would be gross.”

“Yeah. Obviously.”

Embarrassed, Rey quickly said, “I’ve never even kissed anyone, so…”

Ben waited until he was sure she wasn’t going to continue, then he said, “I haven’t either.”

Quietly, Rey asked, “Do you want to?”

She expected an awkward, drawn-out back and forth, and was surprised when Ben immediately blurted, “Sure.”

Rey turned her head sideways to look at him. Ben was already closing the distance between them.

Sparks of panic burst through her stomach. Rey squeezed her eyes shut and pushed her lips out and hoped that she wouldn’t mess something up. A little tingle of satisfaction spread from her lips to her chest when their mouths met, but it was quickly tempered out by her insecurity. Rey was pretty sure that she was maybe supposed to do something with her tongue, but she didn’t know exactly what. Ben wasn’t doing anything with his. Was she supposed to start it? She dreaded opening her eyes, in case Ben looked disappointed in her lack of skill.

Rey didn’t open them until Ben pulled away. He was grinning wide, his cheeks bright red.

“That was cool,” Ben blurted.

Maybe she hadn’t done a bad job. “Yeah, it was,” she agreed. Rey hadn’t realized how tense her shoulders had become until they relaxed.

“You’re really pretty. I think that, like, every time I see you.”

She had a boyfriend. And he thought she was pretty. Rey had a boyfriend who thought she was pretty. And they’d kissed. Her lips curved upwards until her expression matched Ben’s. “Thanks,” Rey whispered as she beamed at Ben.

She leaned closer and hugged him again. Her smile grew even wider when she felt Ben’s arms wrap around her. And, for the first time that entire summer, all traces of anxiety about the imminent school year had dissipated. Rey was now very much looking forward to the first day of school.