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Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

By the time she made it back to Sugarcube Corner, her mane hung limp around her shoulders, half-deflated. She didn’t have the heart to reinflate it to its full, let alone the energy; even if the Cakes couldn’t help but ask her if everything was alright as a result.

She hadn’t known how to answer them.

If she said things weren’t, and that she felt sicker than sick and sadder than sad, they’d ask why. And she didn’t know why. She tried replaying the events that had happened over and over in her head. She really did try! It was a constant loop, even if she wasn’t trying. She searched for answers in her own mind but they faded into obscurity.

She didn’t know why her heart ached so much.

She didn’t know. She didn’t know.

All she knew, was that…

Rarity was lucky.

*

She called in sick for work. (As in called downstairs that she was sick.) So, that was that.

All that was left to do was to mope in bed.

At least Gummy was there to keep her company. His constant chewing on her mane helped.

Honestly, she should just ask somepony else what’s wrong with her again. The Cakes had known before, and now that she couldn’t work, they had come up to check on her every so often, bringing her soup and the like. She could ask them. They had known before. They were right there, she just had to ask for more soup.

…

But…

She didn’t want more soup.

…Heh. That was an excuse if she’d ever heard herself come up with one! She could always shove extra soup in the drawer for later. (In the drawer because if she stored it under the bed then Gummy would probably get to it.)

No, she didn’t really want to talk to anypony about this. Anypony that it wouldn’t bother otherwise. If she said nothing, then it was her problem, and her problem only—as far as the rest of the world went, it didn’t exist.

To the rest of the world, maybe, for just a precious moment, she wouldn’t exist.

…

The only pony she really wanted to talk to about anything, was Twilight.

Which…

. . .

Twilight was the smartest cookie ever. She knew everything about everything! It might not be so out there to ask her…

And, Twilight always had been keen on figuring out what made Pinkie tick, so, she probably wouldn’t mind if…

Before she knew it, Pinkie Pie was at the Castle of Friendship’s door.

Huh. She must have taken one of her many shortcuts unconsciously while mid-internal monologue.

Almost without thinking, even further, her hoof hovered in front of her like it had a mind of its own.

An odd feeling struck her, right then, threatening to deflate her mane even further, and she had to suppress a sudden laugh out of habit.

This! Was a stupid idea! The stupidest, most brainless, most silliest idea she’d ever, ever had!

And that was saying a lot.

But, what else was new, really?!

Haha! Ha! Ha…

…

She should have really just gone home, at that point. Her body was being silly, taking her places only her insides wanted to be. At least one of her insides. Not her brain. Her brain wanted to be anywhere but there.

…Wait.

What if,

what if Twilight wasn’t even home to begin with?

Because…

Because Rarity.

Now she really should go—

The castle doors creaked open, loudly, and the insides of her that had initially wanted to be there (I.E. her heart) dropped to her stomach. She panicked for all of two seconds until…

“Uh. Pinkie Pie?”

…It was just Spike.

He gave her a once-over, looking somewhat suspicious—and a bit concerned.

“Noticed you… Out here,” he said, somewhat awkwardly. “Did you need to talk to Twilight? ‘Cause uh, she’s not here right now.” He managed a friendly smile, “But you’re welcome to come inside anyway if you want! There’s some hot cocoa somewhere around that I could…”

Hot cocoa.

Hot cocoa did sound good right about then…

Pinkie nodded her head, much more enthusiastically than she had felt the entire day. “Hot cocoa sounds reaaaaallly nice! If it’s not too much trouble!”

“Nope! Come on in!” Spike stepped aside, waving her in, and she trotted up the steps into the inviting warmth of the castle. She hadn’t even realized how cold it had been outside, now that the toasty air greeted her. It felt nice. Inviting. When nothing else seemed to right then.

“I’ll be right back!” Spike’s voice from right behind startled her a bit. “Make yourself at home!” he added over his shoulder, giving her a little wave before speeding off towards the castle’s kitchen. She smiled at she watched him go, but it faded the second he disappeared from sight. It had felt more hollow than anything.

She glanced around. For a moment that lasted no longer than three seconds. The interior didn’t interest her all that much; though, there were two cushioned chairs nearby, next to a fireplace and some bookshelves. She walked over and sat her rump in one of them, letting herself mindlessly drift a bit.

Her eyes settled on the fireplace itself, lit with a cozy glow of warm flames. Her thoughts swam, and burned, and mingled with each other as she gazed into the fire. The orange and red colors, normally so vibrant to her, seemed dull, somehow.

It was… Funny. How one different mindset could change everything in its wake. How easily one could change their view about the world, and about themselves, all because of a silly little thing they saw.

The world seemed colder than it did. Darker. More bitter, like dark chocolate after you put it in the freezer. She was not sure why you’d put chocolate in the freezer, not to mention dark chocolate, but she felt like dark chocolate thrown into a freezer haphazardly. All cold and dark and bitter and…

Able to be broke in two.

If you used the right amount of force.

Clawsteps clacked on the polished floor nearby, and Pinkie quickly rubbed at her eyes, before turning her gaze.

“Thank you,” she said with another hollow smile, as Spike handed her a mug. It was a plain purple one. Brown liquid was inside, with dozens of little marshmallows floating on the surface. She had half the mind to down it right then and there and take the risk of a burnt throat, but—

“It’s really hot right now, so be careful,” the small dragon warned, setting a mug of his own down on the coffee table that separated the two chairs. He hopped onto said other chair, across from her. “I gave you extra marshmallows, just the way you like it!”

. . .

Tears flew to her eyes faster than she could help it, and as her mane collapsed the rest of the way, a single sob wracked Pinkie Pie.

The reaction was almost instantaneous. A cushioned shuffling sound and then claws hurrying across the floor once more, before a one-armed embrace quickly surrounded her—briefly, as she felt Spike take her mug and set it down for her. She would have thanked him for that. She should have, but instead, when he hugged her with both arms now, she just…

Couldn’t.

And she didn’t even know why.

She didn’t know why she was crying like this. What was happening to her brain, why she felt this way, why she was even here to begin with.

She should have gone home. She should, she should, she should.

Yet

She hugged Spike back, crushing the dragon to her chest with her hooves. She wept into her little friend’s scales as if she’d known him a lifetime. As if she was allowed to. As if she was allowed to cry at all.

Pinkie Pie wasn’t supposed to cry.

Never her.

Never, ever her.

The thought sobered her up. Just enough. Barely, but enough. Her shaking stopped. Her sobs died down. All the while, neither of them said a word. Spike only soothingly stroked the dead hairs on the top of her head, tentatively, hesitantly, but all the same.

She was grateful for that.

She didn’t want to hear everything was alright, or that it was okay, or that she was okay for letting herself break like a dark chocolate candy bar.All lies. Well-intentioned lies, but lies all the same.

Pinkie let out a single breath, it stuttering through her lips. After some time, Spike pulled away, only so he could look at her.

“Are you…” He winced, as though figuring that was a bad question to ask right then. His eyebrows were furrowed with a deep, deep worry, and she swore she saw sweat beading above his forehead.

It made sense.

It wasn’t everyday Pinkie Pie was having a breakdown in front of him.

“D-did something happen?” he managed, nervously. “Was there an accident in Sugarcube Corner? Did somepony die?? Did the apocalypse happen???” His eyes blew wide open, as the idea of it further hit him. “Oh dear Celestia, Twilight and Rarity are still out—!”

Rarity.

Pinkie wanted to recoil.

But, she quickly shook her head, a sadder smile taking up her snout as she gently patted the top of his head to calm him. “Oh, no, nothing like that. Everything’s fine!” Once again, her smile faded. And despite the assurance, Spike’s expression of concern didn’t falter in the slightest—in fact, it only hardened, looking a bit more desperate than ever before.

Some warmth flickered in her at his concern for her, for just a moment.

She wasn’t sure what to say.

Should she even say anything at all?

“I’m… Really, it, e-everything should, be fine,” she laughed. “I don’t know what isn’t fine! Or why it can’t be fine, i-if, if there’s anything wrong! I don’t know why that wrong something can’t be a right something! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

Tears started to well in her eyes again, but she slapped a hoof to them, much like an invisible cupcake to the eye. It hurt.

It felt somewhat better than the hurt inside her chest.

She lowered her hooves, meekly meeting her dragon friend’s anxious eyes.

And then it hit her.

A realization, of sorts.

Something that might help bridge her words into something he would understand. (Not that he wouldn’t understand regardless, maybe, but…)

But, there was that name again.

…

If it somehow did stem from her; this dull, aching feeling that made the world go gray all around…

Pinkie wanted to get an idea as to why.

She didn’t want R… Her to be the reason.

It sounded awful, but… Like it might be true.

That wasn’t any good at all.

They were all friends.

If she suddenly didn’t like one of those friends so much anymore, then…

. . .

“Spike,” she began. “You like Rar…”

Rarity.

Rarity.

You like Rarity, don't you?

“…You like Rarity, don’t you?”

It wasn’t so much the name anymore.

It was the image of her, in Pinkie’s mind, once she associated it with the name.

In any case,

Spike’s frown turned into a sudden scowl, as he stepped back from her.

“Didn’t you Pinkie Promise not to—”

“YES!” she nearly screeched, making him flinch. “I would NEVER break a Pinkie Promise!”

What a thing for him to even consider!

…

…Although, to be fair, she wasn’t given him much room to work with. Of course he’d think of the worst possible scenario in a situation like this.

“Sorry, um, I just… I wouldn’t,” she said, a bit sheepishly.

Spike looked just as sheepish.

“Right. Sorry.” He didn’t meet your gaze. “Just thought you were gonna say you… Told her, or something. I dunno.”

Again, Pinkie shook her head. “I would never. I would rather die before I did something like that and lose our friendship!”

Spike nodded. A small grin crossed his face, just briefly. “I trust you! So, uh, what were you gonna say?”

Oh.

Yeah. That.

Pinkie fidgeted.

“So, when you… You know!” No. He didn’t know, Pinkie. “When you! Look at… Her! What’s it like?”

Spike blinked.

“Uhhhh…”

“Does it ever feel like you’re the only two ponies in the world, and that everything’s a dream that you never want to wake up from?”

He opened his mouth, but Pinkie wasn’t finished.

“Or is it, you feel like you’re on the biggest sugar high of your life because, because she just makes you feel so happy and wonderful and nice but then when she leaves it’s like the high’s over and now you’re crashing and everything else seems kind of boring in comparison and you feel sick in both cases but they’re different?”

“Pinkie,” Spike said.

“A-and,” Pinkie nudged her hooves together, nervously, “what’s it like when you see her with somepony else? Is it a whole other kind of new sick? Does it make everything else bad? Does it make the world dark and dull? Does it make you want to—”

“Is this about Twilight?”

“—cry for the rest of forever and— Huh?”

“Is this about Twilight?” Spike asked, again.

What?

“Who’s that?” Pinkie squeaked.

His eyebrows shot down as he narrowed his eyes at her, giving her a flat Really? look.

She gulped.

“Oh! Y-you’re talking about Twilight Sparkle!” she giggled. “YEEEEEP, now her I know!”

He rolled his eyes. “You like Twilight Sparkle, don’t you?”

Oh.

…

. . .

Was… She really that obvious?

She couldn’t be.

Right?

“I mean,” Spike gestured a claw at her. “You literally just described what it’s like to like somepony. And I’ve seen the way you look at her.”

“You have?” Pinkie swallowed.

“Well, duh!” He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You’re Pinkie Pie! You’re the most like an open book than, like, anypony else!”

“Really?” She tapped her chin. “I thought Twilight would be more like a book. ‘Cause, y’know,” she snorted, “she lives and breathes them.”

“Actually…” Spike rolled his eyes. “She’s not much better. She’s super easy to read too. In fact, speaking of you she—…”

For some he cut himself off right then, eyes widening a bit.

“UHHHHHH nevermind! Forget I said anything!”

Pinkie blinked.

Then she smiled, even if still, her heart wasn’t in it.

“Okie dokie Loki! Anyway,” she hesitated, glancing to the side. “Can I… Ask you another thing?”

Spike nodded, a bit too quickly. “Sure!!”

“You mentioned Twilight and Rarity earlier, how they’re… Together.” Together. Together. Celestia, it put such a sour taste in her mouth. “And you said, um, that you can read Twilight really well?”

He nodded again, looking uneasy.

“Is there— Do you think…”

No. No crying. No. Crying.

She swallowed again.

“D-do you think Twilight likes Rarity?”

She shut her eyes, as though to delay the inevitable answer she’d get.

But then,

she only heard laughter.

A bit bewildered, Pinkie Pie slid her eyes open, staring at the guffawing dragon in confusion.

“What’s so funny?” she asked, glancing around for the cause, ears flicking every which way.

Spike only laughed harder.

“R— You, y-you think, Twilight—” He broke off into a snort, then even more snickers, “Tw-Twilight, liking, Rarity?!”

The longer he went on, the more lost Pinkie felt. Even a little upset made her ears flatten, and a deep frown graced her muzzle.

“That's not very nice, Spike! I mean, why not? Twilight’s super pretty! And so is Rarity! I know they say opposites attract and all, but…”

“No, no no it’s not that it’s—” Spike wiped a tear from his eye, wheezing. “It’s just—! I mean, well first of all,” he seemed to sober up a bit, expression flattening, “I’d kill Twilight if that was the case. Second of all…” The mirth returned to him, “Trust me, I’d know if she liked Rarity that way. And she doesn’t.”

…

That… No.

That couldn’t be right.

“But she… She gave Rarity her sweater!” Pinkie blurted. Spike’s face furrowed a bit, as he seemed to think it over.

“…Yeah, okay, I’ll give you that much,” he hummed after a moment. “But really, Twilight’s just nice—and weird—like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if she gave her sweater to a stranger. She probably didn’t mean anything romantic by it.”

Somehow,

that only made Pinkie feel worse.

Everything in her felt like it was drooping, as she mumbled,

“Yeah. You’re probably right.”

Spike’s face fell, as he saw her own fallen face.

“What?”

Instead of responding Pinkie glanced away. Her eyes found the mug. She snatched it up, and downed it in one fluid gulp.

Then, she rose to her hooves.

“Thanks for the hot cocoa,” she murmured.

Her dragon friend looked at her with the strangest look, that she couldn’t begin to decipher.

(Not that she felt particularly up to deciphering anything else today. She just wanted to go home and sleep forever.)

“I should probably get going now.” She turned for the door. Spike joined her, following behind slowly as she trudged along.

When she opened the door to step out, Spike nudged her shoulder from behind.

“Hey, um… Want me to tell Twilight you were here?” he asked. “I mean, you never did get to talk to her. You probably wanted to…”

She was still out with Rarity.

It didn’t really matter anyhow.

Pinkie just smiled at him.

“It’s okay! Maybe I’ll catch her another day,” she lied. As if she would try again another day. She didn’t think Applejack would be happy with her if she knew the amount of lies she was telling lately. (Then again, Applejack never had to know to begin with.)

She trotted back out into the cold. The door creaked behind her, and she looked back to see Spike leaning on it, watching her with big, worried eyes.

“You know, you don’t have to leave, you could spend the night and—”

Pinkie reinflated her mane.

“No thanks! Maybe another time!!” she giggled, waving brightly at him. “Bye-bye, Spikey Wikey!”

He managed a smile in return. It seemed good enough.

“Bye Pinkie! Make sure to stay warm!”

She nodded, giving him another wave, before bouncing off.

And that was that.

As soon as she heard the doors close shut in the distance, she stopped bouncing.

What little motivation she had left drained entirely.

Her mane gave out instantly.

The sky grew darker ahead her while she headed for Sugarcube Corner once more. Snow started to fall from clouds above. Thankfully, no pony was around to question the discoloration in the mare’s appearance. Not like she’d be able to come up with a solid excuse anyway.

There was no point. No use. Spike had only confirmed her fears.

Twilight liked Rarity more. The sweater was proof of that.

It didn’t mean anything when given to her. Twilight never had liked her in that way. But it had to have meant something when given to Rarity. It was different. Rarity was different.

But of course.

But, of course. But of course. But of course!

Rarity.

It was Rarity.

It was Rarity.

It made tons of sense. So much sense that… That Twilight would like her.

Pinkie Pie didn’t hate Rarity. Not even a little bit. She loved Rarity very much.

But, right now…

She wanted nothing more than to invite her to a fake party.

A party that wasn’t even going to happen!

The worst part?

She didn’t feel guilty for it.

Not one.

Little.

Bit.

…

Until that night, anyway.

The instant she let her head hit the pillow of her bed that night, it was like the distaste for Rarity drained out of her.

And it was distaste, to a point, she realized.

She wasn’t sure when it had become that. It didn’t help that she now knew why there were ill feelings at all.

Then the guilt soared through her like a rain cloud.

A horrible, nasty rain cloud—a rain cloud that wasn’t ideal, but that was deserved all the same.

…

She didn’t hate Rarity.

Kind of.

Sort of.

Maybe.

…Maybe a little.

Maybe a lot.

She didn't really know.

She didn't really know anything, apparently.

But she knew she was ugly.

She knew she was ugly for it. All of it.

Especially if she hated Rarity.

She wasn’t even half as pretty. Of course Twilight liked Rarity. Of course.

Rarity was beautiful.

That was why Pinkie might have hated her.

.

.

.

And because she might have hated Rarity,

she hated herself, too.

…

Well.

At least there was that.

That, at least, gave her some semblance of relief.

Chapter Text

It was snowing a lot the next day. Pinkie Pie put on her coat (over her furry one, that is) and headed out, much to the protest of The Cakes, who thought she was still sick; but she assured them she was doing a lot better and wanted to visit the grocery store for some things they were almost out of. Of course, they denied her request and sent her back to bed regardless, so she had to sneak out.

One would ask why , in all of Equestria, she’d be putting in so much effort to get out of the house again when she felt so miserable . And that! Was a good question!!

…

It was because of the thoughts.

The thoughts had gotten… Bad.

It wasn’t any of the ones directed towards Rarity. Thank Celestia for that.

But, she knew if she stayed in bed any longer in that state with those other thoughts, she’d get really, really not-good with them. She would go to places she didn’t want to, consider things she’d really rather not in this state. She was not in a great frame of mind at the moment to truly consider anything, and that much, she realized.

After all, it had happened to her before. She got too into her own mind a lot.

There was one thing that always helped with distracting from her mind, though: and right then, Sugarcube Corner didn’t have enough ingredients for a whole batch of them.

To the store it was!

After leaping off the balcony of her room into the plush snow below, the mare set off, donning a light brown bag over her puffy coat, which contained the bits she needed and would work well to carry the items she would later purchase. The only downside to her going out at this time would be the inevitable looks she got from other ponies—likely even some asking her how she was, or if she was okay. It wasn’t everyday the citizens of Ponyville would see her with a flat mane.

But, she had to risk it.

(It wasn’t like she wasn’t used to a couple judgmental stares anyway.)

Besides, her worries weren’t with them all that much—at least, as far as her mental checklist was concerned. (She really was turning into Twilight…) Pinkie didn’t even register the store clerk greeting her; any pony’s greeting, for that matter. By the time a familiar hoof nudged her shoulder, she was well into the baking isle, lofting a giant bag of flour into a single hoof and throwing it over her shoulder while she fiddled with the buttons of her bag. Then she was nudged again, a bit firmer, a slightly sterner voice reaching her ears, though it was laced with concern.

“Pinkie Pie, dear, I’ve been trying to get your attention for minutes on end !” the voice with a faint fancy accent exclaimed. “Is everything alright?”

Pinkie had to blink once, then twice, to really take in who she was looking at.

Oh.

…Oh.

She blinked a third time.

“Oh,” Pinkie Pie said, as if coming up from a deep, deep sleep. That was what it felt like. “Rarity. You’re here.”

…Try as she might, she couldn’t manage any further enthusiasm in her own greeting. And it felt like a sin of the highest regard because of it. She wanted to sink into a mud puddle right then and there, and spend the rest of her days submerged.

And Rarity, in all her understanding, in all her grace, in all her flawlessness , looked back at her as if she just might expect her friend to crumble before her eyes.

“Darling…” she began, quietly. “I must ask you again. Is everything…” She trailed off. She adjusted her words, the worry in her evident. “…Are you alright?”

Pinkie wanted to weep.

But, she had already done that in front of a friend this week, so she purposely bit her tongue, swallowing down a wince with it.

“Y-yeah,” she managed. “I’ve just… Been sick. Just now getting over it.”

To her credit, she did feel sick when she looked into Rarity’s eyes. Eyes a much deeper, more alluring blue than hers.

Now that they were up close, face to face and snout close to other snout, all Pinkie Pie could see was how different the shining mare was in comparison to her. Her mane was well-combed, while Pinkie’s hung lifeless around her shoulders—even on a good day Pinkie’s mane was not nearly as well-kept. Rarity’s coat was as pristine as ever, and Pinkie’s was dull. Washed out.

Most of all, she just… Looked all-around put together. Everything about her made sense. Pinkie Pie didn’t make sense. In fact, “Pinkie Pie” might as well be an antonym of the very word “sense.” Isn’t that something Twilight would have told her? Wasn’t that something Twilight had even said , once upon a time ago?

Even the name. Rarity. It implied something unique, something fascinating, something mesmerizing and wondrous.

What did Pinkie Pie imply?

“Oh! Goodness, darling, I’m so sorry to hear that!” Huh? “Maybe I could bring you some soup later—if it’s not too much of a hassle! I’m not the best cook, but…” Oh. Right.

Pinkie shook her head, quickly, forcing a laugh. It sounded too high, even for her. “ Hahahaha oh no that’s! Fine!! Mr. and Mrs. Cake have got me covered on the whole soup thing!!! No need to worry about lil’ ol’ me, I’m doing! Great!! ”

She was, in fact, not doing great.

Rarity seemed to see that.

(She wasn’t exactly doing a great job at hiding anything lately.)

“Really?” Rarity asked, frowning deeply. “You look absolutely dreadful, darling. Are you sure you aren’t still sick?”

She did. She did look absolutely dreadful, didn’t she?

“Um,” Pinkie Pie said. “Maybe?” Her throat felt too full, like it was collapsing in on her. Her ears were beginning to fuzz with cotton. Rarity’s voice was starting to sound grating to her ears, and she despised it, because Rarity’s eyes were far, far too kind to be directed at her.

“No maybe ’s about it, my dear!” she insisted. “You’re looking paler by the second! I think you’d better go home and—”

“You’re right! You’re right, you’re always right,” Pinkie interrupted, trying not to choke on her own words. “In fact!! I think it’d be best if I never left home again and stayed there for the rest of eternity so that I can’t hate anypony and hate their perfect voice and their perfect coat and their perfect mane and also no pony would know I exist and that would be the bestest thing ever because I’M THE WORSTEST PONY EVER! Thanks, Rarity!”

The bemused, stricken look the unicorn gave her because of her words only made her tummy twist itself in knots.

“Wh— Pinkie—”

The fuzz grew in her ears.

Did Pinkie imply she was too pink? If not too pink, not everypony liked the color pink.

Did Pie imply she was like a pie? Not everypony liked pies. Everypony usually liked cakes , not pies.

Was the taste too poor? Was it not rich enough? Was the crust not sweet enough? Was it too sweet? Was it the fruit aspect, the filling? Was there too much filling? Was it too sour, too tangy? Was it too much to handle? Was it not enough?

Was it not enough?

Was it not enough?

“ Pinkie Pie!” A near-shout rung in her eardrums. A hoof on her shoulders. “Pinkie, please , you’re concerning me! Why did you— Why in all of Equestria would you say such a thing?!”

Rarity.

In that moment, the pink mare used up the last of her energy to speed off, finding the rest of the ingredients in a mere three seconds, using a self-checkout in five seconds, and speeding all the way back to Sugarcube Corner once more. She heard the shouts of alarm as she rushed inside the door but didn’t fully register any of it, only coming to a stop once she was in the kitchen. And just as quickly she unloaded her ingredients, lining them up on the counter.

Cupcakes. Everypony liked cupcakes, she kept reminding herself, as she stirred and whisked and poured and baked. She worked at it fast, faster than a lightning strike, fast enough to rival that of Rainbow Dash. And by the time they had gone into the oven, only two minutes had passed. Another thirty she had to wait out.

That was fine. It was fine! She’d just! Wait it out. Wait. She could do that.

She was patient. (She wasn’t.)

She was fine. (She wasn’t.)

She could do this. (She couldn’t.)

She returned to her room.

*

Six minutes later, a hoof knocked on her door.

Blanket over her head, she groaned softly, before shouting out, “I got sick again! Don’t come in here! Cough cough! ”

She was about to pull the blanket over her ears entirely, to fill them with even more cotton for the betterment of ponykind. But, then…

“I, um…” The voice came out quiet through the door. Muffled, and a bit hesitant. “I hope it’s okay, Rarity told me Mrs. and Mr. Cake have been giving you plenty of soup so, maybe you’re tired of it but… Rarity said that you were sick, so Spike and I made you some. If you want any.”

. . .

Slowly, Pinkie Pie peeked out from under the covers.

“I could just leave it downstairs or… It’s up to you,” Twilight Sparkle continued. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted visitors or not. I can leave if you’re not feeling up to it.”

She could hardly believe what she was hearing—for a multitude of reasons.

But, the main one that currently seemed to like taking over her head was, Is she crazy?

Was that silly filly saying she was more worried about Pinkie feeling alone than getting herself possibly sick?

Of course Pinkie wasn’t actually sick, and if that had been the case she would have definitely turned Twilight away for her own good, but— Twilight probably didn’t know that! Was her purple pony princess friend crazy?!

“Sorry, I’m probably— I can visit later, when you’re feeling better!” No no no no

“NO!!!”

…

That. Had come out way too loud, on her part.

“I mean!!” she tried to lower her voice some, wincing at the way it cracked. “G-give me a moment!”

She crawled the rest of the way out from under the covers, trying to pat down her mane from the static electricity it’d garnered. Not that it matters anyway, a nagging voice sneered, it’ll always look like a mess no matter what you do.

. . .

“You can come in,” she called out. Her voice sounded as deflated as her mane. She really, really hoped Twilight wouldn’t mind. It was okay if she did, though. There wasn’t a whole lot to Pinkie, but the “good” parts of her weren’t present right now.

The door clicked open, and Pinkie Pie stared only at her hooves.

She didn’t want her dear friend to see her like this, but, what else was she to do?

…Not look her in the eyes.

That was what.

There was a gentle thump , preceded only by the subtle sound of twinkling magic. It must have been Twilight setting the soup down over on the dresser. The clip-clop of hooves followed after, and Pinkie Pie flinched away.

The hoofsteps paused.

“…Pinkie?”

Her voice was unbearably soft.

Pinkie almost couldn’t stand it.

The urge to cry came back and she wanted to bite her tongue again. She wanted to bite down on all the things this situation was making her feel.

“Yup! Hehe! That is… My name!” She used her tongue instead, feebly laughing out. “Sometimes I’m still called by my full name though! Which is Pinkamena Diane Pie! Or sometimes just ‘Miss Pie’ if ponies wanna be extra formal for some reason! Or sometimes, if ponies wanna be silly, Pinka-a-roony-loony! Even though I’m not a loon! I don’t know why anypony would think that! Isn’t that soooo funny? And sometimes—!”

“Pinkie Pie,” Twilight interrupted, softly.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. Can I ask you something?”

“Well, duh! You can ask me anything!!”

Twilight nodded, slowly, gaze trailing to the floor.

“Are you actually sick?” she then inquired.

…

“Wh… Wh-what makes you, ask that?” Pinkie tried to suppress the nervous shudder that threatened to overwhelm her.

“I know how you really act when you’re sick.” Her eyes darted back up. Intensely violet, intensely… Beautiful. “I don’t think this is the same thing as that. Is it?”

. . .

Twilight Sparkle really, really was smart. How could she begin to pretend otherwise?

Pinkie Pie sighed. And she said exactly that. The only thing she could currently think of to say. “You really are a smart smarty-pants, Twilight.”

“Does… That upset you?” Twilight’s gaze became searching, yet somewhat vulnerable, and Pinkie… Really didn’t understand why? Why did Twilight care what she thought?

Even still, “No,” Pinkie answered honestly, “not at all.” You’re the smartest cleverest pony ever and that makes me feel small around you, she also wanted to say. But that would be a lot for Twilight to hear. Even if it was the truth. Even if the truth was also, And I still can’t help but love you for it.

That would be even more for Twilight to hear. Way, way too much, really.

And… Pinkie didn’t even know if she was in love. That was a lot for even her to comprehend. She loved all of her best friends, that much was a given, but being in love with one of them was a whole other thing!

. . .

“Can I ask you something?” she blurted, before she could stop herself. And then immediately , “Wait nevermind haha it’s not important forget I said anything!”

Twilight openly frowned. “It sounds important if you’re wanting to ask it.”

“Well! I’m! Not wanting to ask it!”

“…Okay.” Twilight Sparkle breathed out a small sigh, “Can I ask why you lied to Rarity?”

“Who’s that?”

Twilight instantly leveled her with a glare. “ Pinkie. ”

“Sorry.”

Another sigh. “Can I sit with you?”

“If you want to!”

Twilight Sparkle seemingly did want to.

She walked over and climbed onto the bed next to Pinkie, whom pointedly looked anywhere but her. She’d discovered the less she gazed into Twilight’s eyes, the less her heart threatened to palpitate.

…Kind of.

It still threatened it at least eighty-eight percent as opposed to ninety-nine percent.

She swallowed.

“What was… That about Rarity?”

“Why did you lie to her?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for one,” Twilight scooted a bit closer. For some reason. “You did say you were sick.”

“What gave it away?” Pinkie asked.

“Letting me in. You wouldn’t have so easily done that if you were at all feeling sick,” Twilight pointed out. “You also would have been tucked in bed when I entered. You would have been resting.” She paused, adding, “I also don’t think you could physically be able to yell a ‘no’ at me.”

Heh.

Pinkie Pie didn’t understand how one pony could be so perfectly smart.

Though…

“You… Say all that like you were gonna come in even if I was really sick,” Pinkie said. It came out an almost-mumble.

“Y— Yes, well,” Twilight coughed, clearing her throat, for some reason? “I wanted to make sure you were… Doing okay. Even if you were sick. I, know doing ‘okay’ is relative when you’ve got an illness but… Anyway, if worse came to worst, I would probably have protected myself with a spell.”

Even though it confirmed Pinkie’s suspicions, all the same, her face heated up a bit. A slight smile tentatively formed across her muzzle, just briefly.

“You’re a silly filly, Twi. You know that?”

Twilight smiled back.

“I learned from the best,” she teased, nudging the other mare affectionately. The place she’d touched, a spot on Pinkie’s left shoulder, felt a bit warm even after Twilight retreated her hoof.

And yet, it also ignited a certain shamefulness in her, as she remembered the slope of her mane down her back.

“Sorry I look like a sad saddy-pants,” she mumbled. Even less pretty than she’d been before, she was sure.

“It’s okay.” A bit of a pause. “You’re still the same old Pinkie to me.”

. . .

Yeah.

That…

That was the problem.

Wasn’t it?

“So! You!! Were hanging out with Rarity the one day!!! I bet that was fun!!!!” Were they together yet, she wondered?

“Oh, uh,” Twilight looked a bit confused at the subject change but smiled nonetheless. She must really like Rarity, to be able to smile like that about her. “Yeah, it was! We did some shopping together!”

Did you shop for a new sweater? “What’d you shop for?” Pinkie asked cheerfully.

“Just… Some things? Materials for Carousel Boutique, mostly.” Twilight’s smile faded, twisting into a concerned frown. “We should be focused on you, not what I did with Rarity.”

“But I want to hear about it!” She didn’t. But if it made her dear friend smile…

If it made both of her friends smile, the sunshine would find her one day.

Maybe not today.

But…

“What else did you guys do?”

“Well, we… Really didn’t do all that much. I did get some supplies for writing too, I guess,” Twilight went on. “A couple new quills and some new paper.” She scrunched up her muzzle a bit. “Rarity kept insisting I like, buy something to match my sweater, though. But we were in the general store for most of that time! Unless I suddenly decided to take up sewing like her, I don’t think I’ll be getting something like that for myself anytime soon.”

Pinkie snorted, “Why would she want you to buy something to go with the sweater you already gave her? That’s a little silly of her! Especially if you’re only gonna have the something to go with it and she’s gonna have the sweater itself! Unless you do, like, matching couple’s stuff with it! Which would be really fun actually!!”

“…Uh. What?”

Pinkie’s own smile disappeared. “Oops! Sorry!! Are you guys not together yet? I didn’t mean to assume!”

“Together…?” Twilight stared back at her, before shaking her head quickly, as though rattling her own brain. “I— I still, have my… What do you mean by ‘together?’ I-I mean, we were together. If, that’s what you mean…”

Oh. She was taking it more literally, wasn’t she?

Pinkie giggled. It felt just a bit lighter, because her friend could truly be so silly at times. (It was… Honestly even a little scary. How cute she was without even trying.) “ Twi light, I don’t mean together! I mean together, together!”

That just made the purple pony’s expression wrinkle further. “I-I don’t… I’m not sure I follow.”

“Oh well!” Pinkie shrugged. “It must be nice! Liking her like that, I mean!”

“Huh?” Twilight blinked. “Of course I like Rarity. Why wouldn’t I?”

Even despite knowing already, despite… Everything. The words still cut.

Of course I like Rarity. Why wouldn’t I?

Of course.

Of course.

Like there wasn’t anypony that could compete. No pony that could match Rarity’s likeness.

And she was right. There wasn’t. Any normal pony didn’t.

A pony like Pinkie Pie couldn’t even begin to dream about it.

She faltered, then. She didn’t want to, but she did. Her ears flattened. Her mane felt even heavier.

Her smile left.

And, without really thinking about it…

“Wish I were Rarity.”

She’d whispered it before she could help herself. It didn’t sound right. Nothing sounded right, right then. But, what else was she to do?

Nothing that came out of her lately was right.

“I’m sorry?”

Twilight hadn’t heard her, then.

“Nothing,” Pinkie murmured.

…She couldn’t think of anything else to say, suddenly.

She felt Twilight shift, again.

“Hey,” she said, “while we’re on the subject of Rarity.”

Pinkie felt her gut get punched. Kinda. Not literally. Unless you counted the great fist of dread as something literal.

She resisted the urge to complain that it was her least favorite subject, because that wouldn’t be nice at all; especially to Rarity. “Mm-hmm?” she hummed instead, keeping her tone light.

“About the other thing you lied to Rarity about.”

…Huh?

Pinkie looked at her, fully confused. “Other thing?”

“Rarity told me you said you were the worst pony ever.”

Oh! “Oh!! Yeah, I… Might’ve said that!” Pinkie cocked her head. “Why’re you saying it’s a lie though?”

Twilight seemed to… Fumble for words, for a moment. Mouth falling open before shutting, then opening, then shutting.

“Do you… Really believe that?”

Pinkie blinked, before looking away once more.

“I… Maybe?” No. Not maybe. It was a yes. But, Twilight didn’t seem to want to hear it.

“Can I ask why?”

“… Wellllll ,” Pinkie thought the blanket looked really interesting, “I just! Y’know!!!”

“No, I don’t.”

…

“Okay, well! I!”

Pinkie wanted to throw her heart into the sun right now.

“I’m! Me and Rarity are, um, we’re just!! Going through something right now!”

“…Going through something?” Twilight repeated. “Like a fight?”

“Yeah!! That!!!”

“She didn’t say anything about that to me.”

…

“Also, that doesn’t really answer my question. Why do you think you’re—?”

“I just— I just, said why,” Pinkie rambled, floundering, “I don’t— I’m, mad at her and I made up an excuse to stop talking to her ‘cause I don’t want to talk to her and I want to stop talking to her forever!”

“What?!” She sounded aghast . Celestia, this was going all wrong. “What happened between you two?!”

“Nothing!”

Oops.

“I mean, um, something! That!! I don’t want to talk about right now!!!”

“But—”

“But the main thing is I’m a horrible pony and she should never want to talk to me ever again either because I might say some nasty things if I see her again and I really don’t want to because I still love her as my friend and I don’t want to hurt her!”

She grinned at the end of her words, blindingly, blindly looking to face Twilight.

. . .

Twilight was…

She must hate her, now. Of course she would, she now understood Pinkie was not only horrible, but that she, the worst pony ever, had confessed to wanting to hurt Rarity. A friend soon-to-be Twilight’s marefriend. A friend of both of theirs.

Of course Twilight would be looking at her in horror. Of course—

“I… Don’t believe that,” Twilight breathed. “I don’t believe you would ever willingly hurt anypony , Pinkie.”

. . .

“And I don’t believe you’re fighting with Rarity.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t. But I just don’t believe it.”

“That’s silly.”

Twilight didn’t answer.

Then,

“Why… Do you think you two should be fighting? Why do you want to say nasty things to her?”

…

. . .

“I… Don’t want to answer that,” Pinkie muttered.

She could hear the frown from Twilight, big and sad and loud. It showed in her voice itself as she asked, “If you don’t want to answer that, then, can you at least ask me the question you were going to ask me earlier?”

“Why?”

“Because I want to help you.”

Pinkie smiled.

And she giggled.

It was hysterical, maybe.

“It! It’s a very silly question!”

“I want to hear it,” Twilight replied.

Pinkie’s brief fake smile faded.

Then, it returned. Weaker this time.

“It’s— It’s also reeeeeally random! It doesn’t have a whole lot to do with what we’re talking about right now! Especially with what we’ve already talked about! You don’t—” another laugh. Weaker . “You don’t want anything random!!!”

“Maybe I do,” Twilight retorted.

Pinkie’s ears twitched.

“Oh! Well, um.” An even shakier smile graced her muzzle. “If you’re… Sure, then!”

…

“Okay. Well,” she swallowed, “it. It really is nonsense, so. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

. . .

She felt kinda sick.

“If you…” Pinkie began in a waver, quick to giggle it off. Shaky. Anxious. Not at all her. “Like! Let’s say, you really, REALLY liked somepony. Somepony who was perfect and amazing and smart and sparkli— I mean DAZZLING!! Like a st— Diamond!! ”

“…Okay?”

“Do you think— What…” Pinkie swallowed again, “What counts as, um, being in love ? With them?? Even though you’ve been friends for forever and you love them as a friend but, then you’re not sure if— Is it when you want to kiss them? Do you..” She giggled, again, the sound too loud, too manic, even. “Would you!! Give them something of yours? Or is that only a friends thing? Or does it, mean something with only certain ponies? Especially if like, the friend in question is so much more prettier than y— The other friend you gave it to?”

She knew it was dumb, it was silly, it was stupid because she already knew what was going on; they’d just talked about it. She knew the sweater didn’t mean anything in the case of her, only Rarity, because Rarity was…

Rarity.

Finally, she chanced a glance at her friend, who had furrowed eyebrows and fluffed up feathers. Twilight was looking at her with a sharp, bewildered frown.

“I’m… Not sure I, follow,” she admitted. Hesitant.

“Oh! Well!! I just mean like, if you— If you have um, a, sw— Sock. And their. Hoof is cold. So you! Give them your own sock!! But!!! It might imply you, like like them!!! Romantically!!!!”

“ What? ” Twilight sounded completely baffled, now. “Why would me giving my friend a sock imply I feel anything romantic for them???”

“Okay, so it’s a sweater that you give to them!” Pinkie’s smile was very very quickly becoming too wide and strained. “And you give it to the friend you don’t like romantically but also give it to the one you do like romantically—”

“Wait, is there a romantic implication to that?!”

Twilight looked alarmed. Ah! So!! She now knew what Pinkie was talking about!!! Great!!!!

“YEAH!” Pinkie exclaimed, clapping her hooves together. “So then…”

Wait.

Did.

Did Twilight not…

. . .

Pinkie Pie blinked.

“You… Didn’t know about that?”

Twilight Sparkle’s eyes were popping out of her very skull, it seemed.

“You— You think I would know the intricacies of romance when for the longest time I didn’t even know what SOCIALIZING was?!” she all but cried out.

Pinkie’s ears drooped.

“I…”

“No, no, it’s okay, I just—” She broke off into a loud groan, face-hoofing. “I… Can’t believe I— Did you think I liked Rarity or something?!”

“We— Well,” Pinkie just stammered.

Twilight took her hoof away from her face. A sort of… Shock in her expression.

“Wait. Wait. You think— That’s why you…” Her voice was barely above a whisper, at this point. Just a step above inaudible.

Pinkie wasn’t sure which part she was talking about, exactly. Was it the running away when she saw her and Rarity? The avoiding?

The everything?

“You think I like Rarity.” When Twilight stared at her, she stared at her with wide shining eyes. In any other case, Pinkie would be admiring them. “You think I like Rarity. ”

“You don’t?” Her voice came out small.

“I don’t ,” Twilight breathed. “Not like— Not like that. ”

“…Oh.”

She turned her gaze to the ground.

The realization fell over her, slowly.

The realization that…

She’d been worried about absolutely nothing.

That she’d blown things completely out of proportion.

That she’d been wrong about her friends all, all over again.

Heh.

She’d be laughing at herself if she didn’t feel so empty about it all. Look at that. Look at her—the funniest joke in the history of jokes.

How was that to get somepony to smile?

“I’m sorry,” she croaked. “I’m sorry. I-I didn’t— I just…”

Twilight cut in. Soft. Hushed.

“You said you wish you were her.”

Pinkie froze.

“You heard that?”

“Yeah. I pretended I didn’t. Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

…

Twilight sighed out.

“I guess… I could’ve prevented all of this.”

Pinkie glanced at her, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

A flash of panic sparked in Twilight’s eyes. Not unlike the kind of panic Pinkie sometimes felt when Twilight was near.

“Uhhhh. Well,” the alicorn in front of her gulped, before inhaling, exhaling steadily. Her feathers seemed even more ruffled now. “…I-I don’t… Wish you were Rarity.”

…

. . .

What???

What does that have to do with—

“I… I don’t like her , Pinkie. I…” Twilight looked at anywhere but the pink mare in question. “I— I like you. ”

Pinkie Pie almost laughed at that, a puzzled smile forming on her lips.

“Of course you do, silly filly! Otherwise we wouldn’t be friends!”

In an instant, Twilight’s nervous look switched to that of a deadpan stare, boring right into Pinkie’s own.

Huh? Why was she…?

.

.

.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!!!

OH!!!!!!!!!

Pinkie’s eyes grew as round as saucers, previous smile entirely gone, her eyelids blinking twenty times a second, just about.

“That’s. Um.” Her voice felt strangled. “Are you sure?”

Twilight nodded.

…

Really, Pinkie Pie should have been jumping for joy. Rattling off a bunch of squeals that didn’t mean anything, attacking Twilight Sparkle with a hug and holding her tight, thinking about throwing a party in celebration. Wanting nothing more than to kiss the mare in front of her.

To be fair, that last bit she still kind of wanted to do.

But…

“I’m sorry. Really,” she murmured, instead. “For worrying you. And for… All of this. I should’ve… I should have been happy for you. I mean, since I thought what I did.”

Really, Pinkie Pie had not earned any kind of kiss from her best friend.

Not yet.

“Thank you,” Twilight said quietly. “For the apology.”

“Are you mad at me?”

“No.” She gave her a small smile, “But, you do have a tendency to think the worst of ponies.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” She paused. “I… Know why you do it.”

“Because I’m horrible?”

“Because you think you’re horrible.”

. . .

“We don’t have to talk about this right now,” Twilight told her, soft. “And we don’t have to do anything about… Anything yet.”

Pinkie blinked. “What do you mean?”

“I think you should get some rest for now.”

Unbidden tears rushed to her eyes. “So, you’re leaving?”

“I didn’t say that.” Twilight nudged her. Gentle, in all that she was. “I can still keep you company. If you want me to.”

…

That… Sounded nice.

Pinkie didn’t know why it only made the tears come quicker. Until they flew out of her eyes and down her cheeks.

She didn’t know why.

Still, she felt hooves wrap around her. Purple and soft and gentle.

And, just a tiny, tiny bit,

her mane came back to life.

If…

If this was what she currently had . Something that being Rarity might not make possible, then…

. . .

Then maybe being Pinkie Pie wasn’t such a bad thing after all.