Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The hours of remaining sunlight were beginning to dwell. People chattered and laughed among themselves, music blaring over the speakers to tide over the crowd.

The first two bands had played their sets, and now comes the stage in between, before the final act. Hundreds of people crammed into a venue far too small, the mere idea of like-mindedness slipping in the haze of horny drunk teenagers and old metalhead guys.

Spider Jay Killian fancied himself one of the like-minded people here. He stood off to the back, arms crossed as he tapped his foot against the floor impatiently. A few people eyed him with a mix of intentions, but he knew he could put up a fight. He was short, but packed a heavy punch.

His upper lip held an odd shape to it, the result of being punched more times than he could count. His bottom lip held a metal ring, slightly crooked and scarred due to the haphazard conditions of the piercing. His face was littered with freckles and moles, barely visible under heavy makeup he wore. His eyes were deep brown pools, framed by dark makeup and eyebags.

His appearance as a whole was rather striking. His hair was an odd style, mostly a heavily grown-out mullet by now, the ends of it resting just at the top of his shoulder blades. It was dyed half black, and half a bright, fire engine red. Besides, his scowl was enough to deter most people.

He was bored, and he needed something to tide him over, but he knew moving from this spot meant losing it. First come first serve, small venue concerts were a dog-eat-dog world.

It didn't take him much longer to catch a glimpse of curly orange hair.

Fox Barrie Peterson was Spider’s polar opposite. They always wore a grin, their face heavily freckled and unhidden, their hair unruly and coiling in every which direction. Their eyes were a soft hazel, always with a kind gaze. They came running over with something in their hands, and Spider prayed it was alcohol, it was too loud in here to handle it sober.

To Spider’s dismay, it was a pepsi. Not even an energy drink. A can of cola, and not even the good one.

He scoffed as he took it, downing a heavy sip. “What, were they out of miller?” he scolded, thought it was more in a teasing banter way.

Fox pouted. “I’m not breaking the law to enable you.” Their voice was soft and sweet, with a subtle southern drawl.

Fox’s family was from up in New England, and they moved around a lot, so their accent was barely a hint. Spider’s was heavy, he was born and raised in South Georgia, hailing from the old dirt roads and farmlands. Fox lived most of their formative years there, but they were all the way in Cali now, and Spider knew they were a city person at heart.

Fox and Spider had been friends for over a decade now. Neither had any memories of their lives before the other.

“Pssh, they don't even check I.D here. Just go in the bathroom and wash that fuckin’ X off your hand.”

Fox narrowed their eyes yet again. “It’s Sharpie. It isn’t gonna come out that easy.”

Spider tossed the empty Pepsi can, shrugging his shoulders. The final band was at least ten minutes late by now. He started to walk off, heading towards the bar to get some fries and a real drink, when he was stopped suddenly by Fox yanking on one of his necklaces.

“You need to be more responsible, Spy. I have to go back home tomorrow. I don’t want the last time I see you for god knows how long to be when you're hungover and sick again.” Fox pouted, their fingers still loosely holding the chain.

Spider pulled away, scowling. “Don’t be such a fucking baby. It’s one drink.”

And with that, he faded into the crowd.

Spider fancied himself mature. He admits maybe at 16 (almost 17), your room shouldn’t be piled up with energy drink cans and cigarette boxes, but he was fine.

His self destructive behaviors had become part of him. And he realized damn well how awful that was, but he didn’t care. He was on top of the world. In his head, anyway.

Sure, maybe losing his mom and having his only friend move away within months of each other did a number on him, and sure, maybe getting sexually assaulted by the one person he thought was his lifeline not a year later made it worse, but he was dealing with it.

Maybe the fights and the loud music and the smoke was all to drown it out. But even if it was bad for him, it did a damn good job.

What wasn’t damn good, was the fuckers in front of him making out instead of moving their asses so that he can get to the god damn bar.

The venue was a tiny little place, with a shitty, tiny little bar, and shitty food. But what else can you expect from a concert venue in a shopping mall? Wasn’t his fault all the good bands played in holes in the walls.

The bar was… limited, and the bartender was skeptical of him, but he’s found that enough cursing will get you anywhere.

With a can and a bag of shitty fries in hand, he rose to the tips of his toes to see over the crowd, despite the fact he was already wearing platforms. He saw his spot clearly, and there was no ginger hair there.

“God dammit Fox, if you lost our spot i swear to god-”

He cut himself off when he realized, there was no crowd. They just… disappeared, like he’d imagined them to begin with.

“Fox…?” he called out hopelessly, to no avail. The venue became dead silent.

He was the only person there.

He walked around, not running into people where there should've been people, where there were people mere moments ago.

Spider dropped his beer, running outside through the exit doors. The noise of chatter and bass filled his ears again as soon as the doors closed behind him, but it was a dull thud.

He walked down the stone path of the outdoor mall, his hair blowing in the evening wind. He heard a faint sound like something wooden being dragged across stone, followed by the all-too-familiar sound of a horse trotting- no, running- and it sounded like it was coming straight for him.

He whipped his head around, catching a glimpse of ginger hair before two black horses came bolting towards him.

“Fox-!” he called out, before the wind was knocked clean out of him. His vision went black almost immediately when he hit the ground.

Chapter Text

Spider was awoken by a sound akin to rustling wood. It was loud, banging in his ears. His eyes opened to a pitch black nothingness.

“I’d better hurry and find that damn uniform before someone spots me…” a voice had said. Who the fuck was that? Spider thought.

“Urgghh… this lid weighs a ton!” the same voice whined. “Try this on for size!!” followed by some ungodly sound like an obese cat trying to squeeze itself through a cat door.

And then, heat. Unbearable heat. Spider knew heat, he grew up doing farm work in the southern summers, but this wasn't beating sunlight. It was fire.

And then… it was gone. And that annoying fucking voice was back.

“Now to grab the goods… WHAT?!” the voice exclaimed, and Spider’s eyes finally focused.

It was a cat after all. A talking one with flame ears. Okay, carry on, Spider had seen weirder things.

“You ain’t supposed to be awake!!” the voice shouted.

“You ain’t supposed to talk, you fuckin’ annoyin’ weasel!!” Spider shouted right back.

“How… How DARE YOU?? I AM NO WEASEL!!! I AM GRIM! Sorcerer extraordinaire!”

“Yeah yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night.” Spider then attempted to kick the cat, but he stumbled on some absurdly long pants. What the fuck? He doesn’t wear loose clothes.

Upon further inspection, he was in some weird black and purple robes.

“Tch. Whatever, human! Just gimme your uniform and be quick about it!” Grim demanded.

“Uniform?? What fuckin’ uniform?? Who the hell put me in these gay ass robes?”

“YOU’RE GONNA REGRET IT IF YOU DON’T!” Grim ignited a short burst of flames, grinning from ear to ear.

“FUCK OFF AND KILL YOURSELF, FATASS CAT!!” Spider pointed at him, properly angry now. He figured he was having some crazy ass hangover dream.

He figured he’d do well to get out of the room with the fuckass cat, so he bolted. The shoes were uncomfortable at best, but he managed, running through what seemed to be some fancy ass academy.

“Where the fuck am i… ACK-”

More fire.

“Foolish human, did you really think you could slip away from ME?” Grim stood there with his paws on his hips like a bastard.

“Now, unless you wanna get burned to a crisp, take off that- YEOWW!!” a loud whip sound came.

Spider was less angry now, and more just downright fuckin’ confused.

Out of the shadows walked an unnecessarily tall man. He looked like some odd mix of a butler and a plague doctor, with a top hat thrown in ‘cause why the fuck not. “Consider it tough love.” he’d said, and oh god, he was BRITISH too??

“Ahh, I’ve found you at last. Splendid. I trust you’re one of this year's students.” the british bird butler plague doctor man said. “Were you ever eager to make your debut… and bringing a poorly trained familiar? That is a clear violation of the school rules.”

“HE AIN’T MY FUCKIN’ FAMILIAR! I’VE NEVER SEEN THIS FATASS CAT IN MY LIFE.” Spider shouted, glaring at Grim, who was being held by the scruff.

“And I'd never serve some lowly human! Now lemme go!” Grim whined.

“THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLIN’ LOWLY??”

“Yes yes, you would say that. Do be quiet now, won’t you?” the weird fucker said in return. Grim let out some awful strained noise as his mouth was covered.

“Dear me… of all the students I've dealt with, you’re the first with temerity enough to open their own gate and step out of it.” Weird Fucker said, looking sort of pensive. “Does the very notion of patience elude you?”

“Where the FUCK am I?” Spider asked again, to no avail.

“Your orientation has already begun. Let us return to the mirror chamber.”

“The fuckin’ what.”

Weird Fucker began walking out of the library, and Spider had no better idea than to follow.

“You awoke in a room full of gates, did you not? All of the students here at campus arrived by passing through such gates.” Weird Fucker explained.

“Although, most students have enough restraint to wait until I've opened them to wake up.”

“Yeah yeah, that fuckin’ cat woke me up.” Spider grumbles. He needs to wake up from this dream now.

“Yes, the culprit appears to be that familiar of yours.” Weird Fucker said sternly, hands on his hips. His eyes almost seemed to glow beyond his mask. “You’re the one who insisted upon bringing it, so curtailing it’s behavior is your responsibility.”

“IT’S NOT MY FUCKIN-” Spider was cut off.

“But now is not the time for such prattle.” Weird Fucker interupted. “You’ve a student orientation to attend!”

This was the weirdest hangover dream Spider had ever had.

But, come to think of it, it couldn’t have been a hangover dream. He never had a sip of that beer he bought. And he never even saw the full concert. The last thing he remembers is getting run over by a carriage. Is he dead? Is this purgatory?

“Where the fuck am i?” he asks again, sounding slightly more desperate this time.

“Hmm? Have you not fully regained consciousness? The teleportation must’ve addled your memories.” Weird Fucker muses, looking at Spider with those weird glowing eyes.

“Well, these things happen.” Weird Fucker sighs, continuing to walk along the halls, Spider close behind. “I shall explain while we walk. Truly, my magnanimity is boundless!” Spider didn’t know what that word meant.

Soon, they stepped out in the courtyard, the cold air hitting Spider. He definitely wasn’t in Georgia anymore.

“This is Night Raven College. It is an institution for students all over the world who demonstrate a rare aptitude for magic! It is the most prestigious academy of its sorts in all of Twisted Wonderland.” Weird Fucker explained.

Oh nah. This is some disney shit. Is Spider really dead? Has he been isekai’d or some dumbass bullshit?

“And I am Dire Crowley. Having been entrusted with it’s care by the chairman, i serve as headmage.” Weird Fucker said with a small smile. Spider needed to either wake up or get out of here, fast.

His sister’s and his dad were probably worried sick, Fox was probably confused as hell, who the fuck was gonna feed Smoke and all his other pets while he was gone?? is he really dead?? Is this shit even real??

“Only those the dark mirror perceives as having a talent for magic are admitted.” Weird Fucker explained.

“Those who are selected are summoned to campus via those gates, which can appear anywhere.”

Talent for magic… but magic didn’t exist where Spider was from. Not this kind, anyway. He looked up at the moon, which was merely half visible on the night of the concert. Which was mere hours ago.

Now it was full, and bright.

“A black carriage bearing one such gate should have come to meet you.”

“Meet me? It ran me over!!” Spider shouts, his voice sounding oddly small. Spider was rarely scared. He’d venture to say he was never scared.

But right now he was terrified.

“That carriage serves to retrieve a student chosen by the dark mirror. And as you know, sending a carriage to meet someone on a special day is a time-honored tradition.”

Spider wanted to go home. He wanted to go home NOW.

Grim struggled and yelled against Weird Fucker’s grip, but the man was unbothered. “Now, let us attend to your orientation.”

Chapter Text

“We’re done with orientation and dorm assignments?” Spider heard a distant voice. More fucking british people, shoot him now!

The voices in the room got louder as he approached it, trailing Weird Fucker and that dickass cat. 

“Well, that ceremony was as boring as ever.” A non-british voice complained, yammering on about new students as the last one did. 

“New students!” The voice that spoke next wasn’t british, but somehow even worse, like a car salesman and a gay podcast host had some ungodly offspring. “Allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your achievement.” Annoying voice then proceeded to yammer on even more than the first two.

“Does anyone know where the headmage went?” Asked some bitch that sounded preppy as hell, Spider could just tell he wanted to punch them and their probably perfect face.

“Some headmage he is.” that one almost sounded like a recording. Also annoying,whatever.

“Maybe he had a tummyache?” followed the next voice. Spider rolled his eyes yet again, because what are you, five?

It was then that Weird Fucker busted through the door like some spirit halloween FBI or some shit. “I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!”

“Ah, speak of the devil.” that British bitch piped up again. Oh of course it was a fucking twink.

Crowley yammered on about the ‘new student that failed to show for orientation’, while Spider stood in the doorframe, his eyes trailing along the room. It was rather pretty, something you’d see in a fantasy film.

Lanterns and crystals hung from the impossibly high ceilings, a bunch of students crowded inside the circle of strange floating coffins.

In the center was a mirror, but it didn’t reflect anything. It was like a green smoke, like that bitch from Snow White. This much be that ‘dark mirror’ Weird Fucker told him to step up to.

Spider doesn’t want a fucking dorm. 

“No, fuck you and your fucking dorm.” He scowled, earning a few surprised gasps from the students around. Pussy ass freshmen, Spider figured. Weird fucker just glared. After some internal conflict, he stumbled up to the mirror, because why not.

Was everyone staring at him? He felt like they were. Usually he liked being the center of attention, but right now he just wanted to fucking leave.

“State your name.” The mirror beckoned.

“State your name, whore.” 

The mirror just reiterated, so Spider just gave it what it wants, instead of trying to pull off a Joe Mama joke or whatever. 

The mirror barked his name back, and Spider did NOT like it.

“Spider Killian…” 

“Shut the fuck up you pasty ass bitc-”

“The essence of your soul is…”

“These nu-”

“...unclear to me.”

“Pardon?”

Weird Fucker echoed him, stepping up closer. “What did you just say??”

“I sense no magical power from this one. Soundless. Colorless. Shapeless. Utterly vacant.” The mirror said with its booming voice. Now it was insulting Spider?? Fuck that. “Therefore, no dorm would be appropriate.” FUCK that, Spider didn’t even want a dorm, but now that you’re saying he can’t have one, he does.

“Fuck you too, you ugly ass motherfucker! I hope you fucking kill yo-” Weird Fucker shut him up.

“Are you suggesting that the black carriage went to receive a person who cannot even use magic??” Weird Fucker sounded somewhere between angry and confused. Spider wants to get the fuck out of here.

“But that is ABSURD!” Weird Fucker retorted, causing Spider to cringe at how stupid he sounded. “The student selection process has not erred once in its century of existence!”

Spider stepped back, somewhat unnoticed, hoping the focus came off him. He pulled his hood up to at least try and hide, which made him feel absolutely pathetic. Spider was confrontational, he was loud, he wasn’t a pussy. So why was he cowering because some mirror called him unworthy? Said that he didn’t belong?

And why, God, did that make him feel so fucking horrible?

Something rose in the pit of his stomach, a pang of anxiety he hadn’t felt in ages- it almost made him stumble. Everyone was still looking at him. God dammit, look at the goddamn mirror! Look at the goddamn mirror and the fucking bird man and that fucking cat! How is the cat not the weirdest thing? Why is everyone still looking at him??

He wanted home , he wanted to go back to Georgia, he needed to get out of here- he had to say bye to Fox at the airport, he had to go to his sister’s soccer game next month, he had to help his dad around the farm, he had to fucking leave-

The cat was talking now, Spider didn’t care- he didn’t care about anything, God dammit, WHY WERE PEOPLE STILL STARING AT HIM??

That british fucker yelled something, and then the cat yelled, and it hurt Spider’s ears- they already hurt, when did that happen? When did his chest start hurting? When did his eyes start burning and- when did that fucking fire show up??

Spider was about to euthanize that damn cat. He stood sort of frozen, staring at the waving flames. He could leave, he could run- but that was a fire, and even if these people are from this world that’s done nothing but made Spider feel like shit, they’re still people.

So like an idiot, Spider ran further into the mirror chamber.

“AAAAHHH! HELP! I’m on fire over here!” Spider’s head whipped around, he recognized that voice. It was the one that’d made the childish comment earlier, decidedly the least annoying sounding. All that Spider noticed peeking out from under the hood were striking red eyes, and that he was, in fact, on fire.

The hood fell as the boy stumbled, Spider already on his way over there, his savior complex somehow overriding his onsetting panic attack.

It was just the boy’s robe that was on fire. Spider pulled him up by his forearm, not caring to look at him, instead looking around for anyone else that was injured. 

Once the boy struggled out of his flaming outer robe, he stumbled again, Spider catching him. He then let go, even if the boy still had no balance, because fuck all that gay shiii-

Spider froze when he looked at the boy.

Short, snowy white hair, and those same huge red eyes he saw peeking out, looking grateful rather than panicked, set behind eye makeup almost as heavy as his own, trailing down to gold jewelry and- God dammit Killian there’s a fucking fire, you’re straight!! Get your head in the goddamn game!!

Weird fucker yelled something about catching the animal, and Spider ran in that direction, he was going to avoid an active gay panic in any way he can. Especially during an active fire.

Another voice from earlier spoke, now with a face to attach it to. Long brown hair and… lion ears?? The fuck? Whatever, he looked insufferable. And he was whining about leaving. That bitch that sounded all preppy quipped back, and they looked the part. Spider still wanted to punch that, decidedly perfect face.

“Allow me to handle this, Headmage Crowley!” Spider nearly jumped into the fucking fire, he somehow looked even more annoying than his voice. Still sounded like a hybrid of a twink and a salesman, while also looking the part. 

“WTG Azul, rackin’ up those participation credits~.” Oh that’s why it sounded like a recording, it’s coming from a tablet. Again he reiterates, What the Fuck?

Spider froze again. “Hey, um, my butt’s on fire, can someone maybe put this out?!!” Dammit, he did , wha- wait.

Spider didn’t catch him the second time he stumbled, because he was actively gay panicking.

Whatever, not his problem anymore, even if the boy did look directly at him.

Okay now Spider really wants to go home.

More yelling, more bullshitting, can no one catch this fucking cat?? It’s a fatass cat! They’re all mages! Christ he has to do everything around here- 

He reaches to grab Grim by the tail, and… fails?

Bullshit, Spider doesn’t fail. He’s Spider. He can catch a fuckass cat.

Car Salesman Twink and British Twink start yammering, and Spider decides watching them chase the cat is far more entertaining, so he falls back into the crowd. If any students who are actively on fire catch his eye, he helps put them out, because again, savior complex.

While the Mighty Twink duo is chasing the fatass cat around like fucking idiots, Spider feels a tug at his hood. Is someone else on fire? God dammit, these whor-

Oh FUCK, its that pretty bitch again.

He smiles at Spider like he didn’t fucking let him stumble into the fire and not help him the second time. Spider can’t even keep up the act, he truly breaks for a split second- Spider doesn’t break. This world was affecting him.

“Thanks for helping me earlier.” Pretty bitch grins.

“I- no problem.” Christ, did Spider just stutter?? Fuck going home, now he has to kill himself.

Chapter Text

The Mighty Twink duo eventually catch the damn cat. Spider has to wonder, if this school is meant to house the greatest magicians or whatever the fuck, why two of them struggled so hard to catch one damn cat. Sure, it was a flaming cat, but those two seemed to be rather important.

“OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!” British Twink shouted, like he was the Queen of Hearts or some shit. Spider cocked his head. This was separated from his world, no way that Alice in Wonderland of all things existed here. It had to be a coincidence.

Then again, these people were entirely human, and spoke English, even with accents that exist in Spider’s world… so maybe it isn’t too far off. Still, Disney’s corporate empire surely isn't interdimensional. Yet. 

“MYAH!” Grim exclaimed, and in a flash of red light, a red and black collar locked around his neck. Spider’s eyes widened, that was new.

“The Queen of Hearts rule 23: ‘one must never bring a cat to a formal affair.’” British Twink explained. Spider was just more confused- so the Queen of Hearts did exist?? And this fucker followed her laws???? She’s fictional!!

“But I ain't a cat either!” Grim whined, his voice straining and struggling against the collar. “Don’t you try and collar me, i’ll burn right through it!!” Grim exclaimed, and Spider braced himself for more fire-

But none came.

“Huh- Wh-what gives?? My fire ain’t workin!” Grim looked somewhere between defeated and shocked, but Spider knew nothing could calm that fuckers wrath.

British Twink scoffed like the arrogant shit he is. “Until I deign to remove that collar, you won't be using any magic. You’re naught but a pet cat now.”

Oh, sick. Maybe this dude isn’t so bad if he can shut Grim the fuck up.

“I AIN’T NOBODY’S PET!” Grim shouted, and as soon as British Twink opened his mouth again, Spider remembered why he doesn’t like him.

“Oh, you’ve nothing to worry about there.” Who the fuck says ‘you’ve’??

Spider tunes out whatever bullshit British Twink spews, all of it becoming a buzz. That is, until his ears are assaulted by that car salesman twink again.

“Ha HA!” Kill yourself. “Good show as always, Riddle.” Whore. “Your unique magic locks down any magic. It’s quite handy.” Shut UP.

Car salesman twink says something under his breath, but Spider doesn’t give two shits. He’s ready to get the fuck out of here.

Fuck it, nothings obligating him to stay here. He’d rather rough it on his own in this world than deal with these fuckers. All attention seems to be on the Mighty Twink Duo and Grim anyway.

He inches towards the door, cursing these robes for coming with the loudest, clankiest heels ever. And they’re not even tall enough to make up for it.

He’s nearly out the door, staring down the vast hallway. If he could make it out of this damn school, he could run off somewhere, figure out where the hell he is, and maybe, just maybe , get out of he-

“SPIDER!” 

He almost doesn’t turn around, but he knows, somewhere in the back of his mind, he should listen to Weird Fucker. He turns his head around, hand on the doorframe, ready to book it when needed.

“Was I not CLEAR that you are expected to take responsibility for your familiar?” Weird Fucker shouts, and Spider digs his nails into the doorframe, nearly chipping the wood.

“IT AIN’T MINE!” He shouts back, trying not to snap completely. “That damn cat ain’t mine! It woke me the fuck up and started causin’ problems and I still don't know where the fuck I am!!”

Weird Fucker seems confused. “W-what? It isn’t yours?”

“NO!! No it ain’t fuckin’ mine!!” Spider yells, finally letting go of the doorframe so he can turn around to face Weird Fucker. “I just wanna go home.”

“Oh… is- is that so?” Weird Fucker pauses for a second, but quickly clears his throat to regain his usual demeanor. “Then I shall have it removed from campus! I shall even spare it from being served as dinner.” That made Spider pause a second.

Grim was… an animal, yes, but all things considered, was still sentient. He could speak, and think on a level equal to people, even if he was reckless.

Weird Fucker would eat a sentient being?

Spider wasn’t opposed per se, just… surprised. The guy seemed like a total pushover. Then again, he could’ve been bluffing.

Weird Fucker grins some sickly smile. “My, how kind I am. Someone take this away, please.”

Grim screamed and whined and strained, and Spider… almost felt bad.

Almost.

He was pulled and dragged until the door slammed, causing Spider to stumble. Dammit, there goes his exit. The whole room was silent for a second.

The silence was loud.

Spider looked around. The Mighty Twink duo were still bickering, that lion guy was sleeping, that preppy bitch was doing preppy bitch shit, and a couple students were still smoking or shaken up from the fire.

One boy seemed to have passed out. He was some black haired dude with dumbass glasses, and… wings? 

Eh, well, he ain’t flyin’ now. He was leaned up against the wall, either unconscious or just barely conscious, a couple of students huddled around him. One was treating a burn on his hand, the other… seemed to be trying to… wake him up… god DAMMIT, it’s pretty bitch again.

As if by divine intervention, Pretty Bitch looks up, his red eyes nearly making contact with Spider. Spider looked away as fast as he could, darting to look at the floating coffins, but he could feel that stare.

And god fucking dammit, why did it feel so scalding?

Weird Fucker kept yammering and yammering, eventually saying something about housewardens- causing British Twink, Car Salesman Twink, Lion Bitch, Preppy Shit, Pretty Bitch, and the tablet to draw near to him, trying to wrangle the still panicked students.

Weird Fucker hummed. “Come to think of it, I don’t see Housewarden Draconia of House Diasomnia anywhere.”

That was a jumble of flaming bullshit that Spider didn’t understand, nor have any desire to.

Lion Bitch spoke up, crossing his arms like the douchebag he probably is. “And that surprises you? Dudes a total recluse.”

“Wait a sec-” Pretty Bitch spoke up, and Spider cursed himself a thousand times for how his eyes immediately darted up when he’d been ignoring everyone. “Did anyone ever invite him?” 

Preppy Shit responded, their mere existence annoying Spider. “If you’re that worried about him missing out, maybe you should’ve invited him yourself.”

“Maybe, but… I don’t know him too well either…” Pretty Bitch pouted a bit, and God was it cute- no. stop it. Bad Spider. 

Some chatter erupted among the students about one Malleus Draconia. What the fuck kind of emo ass myspace username name was that? And why should Spider care?

Some deep voice travels into Spider’s ears. “Just as I'd expected.” Spider looks over, expecting someone at least semi-intimidating, and- God FUCKING dammit, ANOTHER TWINK??

“I figured I'd come down and see for myself whether Malleus had made an appearance.” His voice didn’t match a thing about him. He was tiny, probably about Spider’s height, and had hair that truly belonged on a scene girl in 2003. “But once again, he was evidently not informed that his presence was required at an official ceremony.” This Draconia dude sounded like a fucking idiot if Spider was being honest.

“You have my sincerest apologies!” oh my FUCK, can this bitch SHUT UP?? “I assure you, this oversight was in no way intended as a snub.” 

Spider’s current main goal is going home. If he can’t do that, his plan B is to run into the woods somewhere and put an end to his misery. If he can’t do THAT, his plan is to hit car salesman twink with a fucking truck.

“I mean, you must admit, he’s not exactly the easiest person to strike up a conversation with.” Spider also wanted to hit British Twink with a truck.

Scene Twink speaks up again, the whiplash not any more subtle. “No matter. All who were assigned Diasomnia, follow me. I just hope he doesn’t sulk about this…”

A few chaotic moments pass, footsteps galloping along the ground, a sea of students eventually piling out the door. Spider caught Pretty Bitch’s eye for a fleeting second while he was leading a group of the students, and Spider looked away quicker than ever- not willing to admit why.

Silence filled the air after a while, just Spider and Weird Fucker. 

Spider knew he couldn’t leave. So he just stood there, waiting for Weird Fucker to speak up.

“Well, Spider. This is a most unfortunate turn of events.” Weird Fucker explains pensively. “I’m afraid you will not be attending Night Raven College after all. Surely you realize i cannot very well admit a student with no magical ability to my academy.”

“Good! I wanna get the fuck out of he-” Spider is cut off.

“The Dark Mirror will see you safely home.”

Spider let out a sigh of relief before he could stop himself. He would be able to leave after all. He wasn’t dead, he wasn’t hungover, this was all just a big mistake. That weird ass mirror was gonna take him home, and he was gonna take Fox to the airport, and everything was gonna continue as normal.

He swallowed the anxiety in his throat, eased by the thought of seeing his family again. He didn’t realize how awful the thought of being away from them was until it was reality, until the idea that he was stuck here really set in. He wasn’t a sentimental person, fuck that shit. But God was he ready to go home, so he could hug his sisters and his dad and tell them whatever the fuck happened over dinner. Maybe he could talk his dad into making steaks again, maybe even brisket- say what you would about Spider’s dad, no one made a damn brisket like him.

Weird Fucker said some shit about stepping into a gate and visualizing where you came from, and Spider wasted no time. He stepped into the gate with ease, his mind flooding with images of the farm, the animals, his family. He knew every inch of that farm by heart, every street in that town and the ones surrounding it.

The rural and red dirt roads of Southern Georgia, the pit of the deep south.

The only home he’s ever known. And he ain’t about to change that.

Weird Fucker said some shit to the mirror, and Spider couldn’t help a smile. He was okay. It was okay. It was gonna be okay. He wasn’t dead. He was gonna go home.

He was gonna hug his dad and pet his cat and mess up his big sister’s glasses ‘cause that always pissed her off, everything was gonna be normal.

Everything was gonna be back the way it was. He was gonna be back home, and he could forget all of thi-

“There is no such place.”

Spider whipped his head around, staring at the dark mirror. His eyes widened, the face in the mirror unchanging. 

…what?

“There is no place in this world where this soul belongs.”

Spider’s smile faded as quickly as it came. Of course there was no place in this world, he’s from another world! The damn mirror took him from that world, why can’t it put him back? Why can’t it do its fucking job?? Why can’t he…

…go home?

Spider didn’t even realize he’d fallen to his knees until he looked up at Weird Fucker, who seemed confused himself. Spider knew where he belonged. He belonged at home! He belonged with his family, on the farm! 

Right?

He… belonged there, right?

He belonged with the old oak trees and bumpy dirt roads, with the horses and cats and the old house, with his family, his family that he’s always loved, even through the rough patches, he-

He’s always loved his family. Even when he shouted at them, even when he slammed the door in their faces, even when he argued and fought and caused problems, he…

Still loved them.

But did they… love him?

They said they did, but, if there's truly nowhere he belongs, were they just lying?

Weird Fucker pulls Spider up to his feet, his words firm at first. He softens ever so slightly when he sees Spider’s face, the tears that had to be welling up, given how his vision was blurring.

“Tell me, what land do you hail from?”

He had to repeat it once or twice for Spider to respond. Though it was shaky and quiet, Spider choked out words.

“U-uhm- Georgia.” His mouth is dry, unlike his eyes. Weird Fucker seems even more confused.

“I’m afraid I'm unfamiliar with such a place.” He says pensively, and Spider falls to his knees again as soon as he lets go of him.

“I am intimately acquainted with the origins of my students, and yet… this mysterious homeland of yours eludes me.” Spider looks up at him hopelessly, forgetting for a second this is another world he’s in, not just another country.

“I- it's in the states, I- in America- I’m from the south, just above Florida- a- about an hour north of the border, y- you have to know- you-” he chokes out, tears finally falling. He hates how small he sounds. This isn’t supposed to happen. “You have to get me home…”

Weird Fucker sounds… something vaguely akin to sympathetic, even if its probably fake. “I’m afraid I do not know. Let us go to the library and look it up, shall we?”

And, still broken and crying, silent on the ground, Spider nods.

Chapter Text

The walk to the library may as well have been torture. Students lingered in the hallways, and Spider was thankful for the huge hood of these stupid robes. He didn’t anyone to know it was him lingering near and following Weird Fucker. Because it’s fucking Weird Fucker. And even if it wasn’t, if middle school taught him anything, being buddy-buddy with any member of the school staff was a social death sentence. 

But above all, he did not want anyone to see him at all. He’d been crying, he still was, and breaking down like that on your first day is even worse of a social death sentence.

Despite how much he valued his reputation out of fear of being stuck here, he couldn’t seem to stop the tears. The thought of being away from his family terrified him. He didn’t let a sound escape him, but he knew his eye makeup was more than ruined at this point, tears still streaming down his freckled face.

He finally made it to the god forsaken library.

Books were floating in the air, shelves stacked fifteen feet high with not a ladder in sight, books placed way too close to candles that had green flames for some reason- but none of that mattered a bit to him.

He sat on the first chair he found, pulling his feet up onto it. He admitted curling up into a ball was fucking pathetic, and never would he have stooped this low, but being in this spot will fuck with anyone. He pulled the hood as far down over his head as possible, leaving just enough room to watch as Weird Fucker slid along each shelf.

Minutes felt like hours before Weird Fucker finally spoke.

“Just as I'd suspected. Nothing.” He says blankly, standing a few feet in front of Spider, who’d now given up on looking at him. “Your homeland is not depicted on any map, at any point in history.” 

Spider lifted his head up, wiping his tears on the floppy robe sleeve. Weird Fucker gave him a sour look.

“Now… are you quite sure that you came from such a place? Or was it some kind of lie?”

Spider never scrambled to answer a question so quickly in his life. “I- no! I’m not lying- why- why would i lie- just wanna go home!”

Weird Fucker came to a pretty quick realization that Spider was… unstable, and he could tell Weird Fucker was mistrusting of his words. 

“My only explanation is that you’ve come from another planet.” The man said with a pensive tone, and that same annoying inflection. “Or perhaps were summoned from another dimension…”

“NO FUCKING SHIT!!” Spider borderline shouted, startling even himself. One of the floating books fell out of the air, either by divine timing, or the volume of Spider’s words.

Weird Fucker sighs, sitting in the chair next to Spider. His jacket and all the crow feathers on it rustled as he sat. “Show me everything you brought here with you. Do you have some form of identification?”

Spider reached into his right pocket on instinct- only to find it empty. That's the pocket he always has his wallet in.

“Do you have a driver’s license? Or perhaps… a shoe? You do seem a bit empty handed.” Spider wasn’t paying much attention to what Weird Fucker was saying. His left pocket proved just as empty, and so were his back pockets. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

His voice came out shakier than he liked. “I- I don't have anything.”

“Well, that's quite the predicament.” Weird fucker mumbled, speaking up again quickly. “I cannot have someone with no aptitude for magic bumbling about my magic academy. And yet, as an educator, I am loath to expel a child without a cent to their name, or any ability to contact their family.”

Rude. True, but rude. 

Weird Fucker smiled to himself, almost sinister, like he was proud of doing the bare fucking minimum. “Truly, my grace is boundless.”

Weird Fucker sat and pondered for an uncomfortable amount of minutes. Spider managed to grab one of the books out of the air, and flipped to a random page, landing on something about a potion to change the color of an apple.

“AH!” Weird Fucker exclaimed, causing Spider to startle and toss the book, and there it went, floating off again. “There is a vacant building on this campus.” Oh thank god.

“It was, in fact, used as a dorm long ago! With a proper cleaning, it should be habitable enough.” Spider didn’t give a fuck if it was a storage shed with nothing but rat carcasses and old brooms if it was away from these fuckers.

“Out of the profound kindness of my heart,” kill yourself. “I will allow you to live there for the time being. In the meantime, we will look for other ways to send you home.”

Weird Fucker kept praising himself, and god, Spider could not care less. He had a place to stay- or something akin to it. Weird Fucker soon stood up, and Spider followed suit, even if his legs were a bit shaky.

“Now, let’s get you to your new dorm!”

Chapter Text

After the misfortune of following weird fucker around campus in the middle of the night, they finally arrived in the most ass crack hidden corner behind the school. Behind a jagged fence and rickety old gate laid a stone path, trailing up a short hill to…

Was that the fucking MONSTER HOUSE????

“You want me to stay here?” Spider couldn’t decide if the tone in his voice was fear or excitement, and he really couldn’t tell which one he was feeling either. 

“Isn’t it delightful? Scoot inside now. On you go.”

Spider rolled his eyes at Weird Fucker’s tone, but did just that anyway. His boots clanked on the stone path, and the door creaked disgustingly loudly when he opened it.

Jesus, this was the fucking Monster House. Chairs were turned over, painting crooked and on the ground, spider webs and roaches and rats…

Peeling paint, splintering wood, and the overwhelming smell of dust. This place wasn’t a fixer-upper, it was freshly ripped ass.

“This should keep the elements at bay for the time being.” Motherfucker, this was the elements. “Now, I should return to my research. Do try to find some way to busy yourself.”

Spider was about to yell at him, about how he can’t live in these conditions, about how theres seven perfectly fucking acceptable dorms, about how he doesnt have any clothes other than these fucking robes- “But don’t let me catch you wandering the campus! Ta!”

And he’s gone.

Any other day, Spider would have run after him, but he was frankly too exhausted to even speak.

He flopped down on the striped couch, and the thing creaked and spat out about a gallon of dust when he did. He didn’t even care anymore. He just laid there.

He must’ve laid there for ten minutes, maybe twenty, maybe thirty.

This truly was his life now. There was no way for him to get home, to see his family, his best friend, his animals, his home…

After hours of keeping himself silent for the sake of his reputation, he finally choked out a weak, pathetic little sob. 

But all that did was open the dam.

He laid on that damn couch for what must’ve been an hour, sobbing and begging the god he never believed in to take him home.

Please, god.

He snapped out of it, just barely, when a loud crack of thunder sounded outside. He jumped, more tears falling when he opened his eyes- Great, now he really was stuck in here.

Not long after, the door creaked open. He didn’t even bother to look. He hoped it was Weird Fucker, coming to declare that he’d found a way to get Spider home. Or that it was Pretty Bitch, that- nope, getting rid of that thought right now. Bad Spider.

Above all, he hoped it was a wild, rabid wolf that's come to tear him limb from limb.

“GWAH! It’s pouring out there!!” Spider shot up. The fucking cat.

“What the fuck are you doing here?!!” He shouted, startling Grim, and making the couch creak even louder.

“BWAHAHA! That look on your face is PRICELESS! Like a bat that got blasted by a water gun. Have you been cryin’?” Grim laughed, that shit-eating grin back as always.

He stepped over to the couch, plopping down next to Spider like he owned the place. “As if I wouldn't just sneak back onto campus the second I escaped pryin’ eyes. Y’all got no idea what I'm capable of!” Spider was two seconds away from drop kicking that cat into the sun. He needed a cigarette. He needed 10 hours of sleep. He needed to die. In that order.

“I ain’t givin’ up goin’ here just ‘cause I got kicked out one time. And if ya think otherwise, ya don’t know Grim!” Spider sure fucking wished he didn’t know Grim.

“Why are you so determined?” Spider asked, sounding more exhausted than anything. 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Grim looked up at him, and Spider had to admit he was a bit cute. Maybe he just missed his cat. He missed his cat a lot.

“I was born to do this! I’m a magical prodigy who's got the makin’s of a great mage! One of the greatest to ever live!” Grim smiled, and those razor sharp teeth served to remind Spider this was no normal cat.

“So i been waitin’ and waitin’ for that black carriage to come for me.” Grim pouted a bit. “And yet…”

Spider curled up a bit more, pulling his feet onto the couch. Usually he was adamant about no shoes on the couch, but it was a mercy to this couch that he was even sitting on it. “...it never came?” He finished Grim’s sentence.

“...Urgh. That dark mirror’s got no eye for talent. That’s why I took the initiative and came here myself.” That’s… not how anything works, but Spider elected not to tell Grim that.

“You humans don't understand what mistake you’re makin’! Not lettin’ me in is a great loss to the world!!” Grim exclaimed, sounding confident and triumphant. As if by divine intervention, as he was talking himself up, a comically large droplet of rain fell right on his head, almost snuffing out his ear flame.

“Mrrao!!” Grim jumped onto Spider’s lap, startling him- but it was nice to have a cat in his lap, even if it was this dickass. Another droplet fell, just missing Grim, and landing instead on Spider’s shoulder.

“These flamin’ ears are my trademark! Can’t let em get doused!!” Grim was practically crawling into Spider’s outer robe. 

Spider’s eyes traced along the ceiling, scouting any holes that water could seep through. There were… a lot of them. “Good luck with that.” He mumbled, letting Grim settle himself in his jacket. He just pretended it was his cat. Jesus christ in heaven, he missed his cat.

“Dunno why ya just magic the holes away, you could have ‘em fixed just like that.” Grim sighed, but that shit-eating grin soon returned. “...Oh right!! You can’t use magic at all! Pfft, how useless can ya get?”

And at that, Spider grabbed Grim by the scruff and tossed him off the couch. “MYAH!”

“Then why don’t you do it, you little fat fuck??” He scolded, immediately regretting it. Grim should not do it.

“Heh? You want me to help you?? You got the wrong idea. I’m just shelterin’ from the rain, you ain’t the boss of me. If you had some tuna to trade, that’d be another story, but I don't work for f-” Grim was cut off by Spider standing up, and yet again grabbing him by the scruff.

“I could stomp your fuckin’ head in if I wanted to. I’ve dealt with enough bullshit for an entire lifetime in the past three hours and I am not about to let some fat ass little cat ruin this shithole even more for me. So either shut the fuck up, or you’re getting tossed back out.” Spider was dead serious, eyes narrowed as he dropped Grim back down to the ground.

Grim’s eyes widened like a kicked puppy, but he stood his ground. “Hey! What makes ya think you can talk to me like that?? I’m the mighty Gr-” He was cut off by another drop of water, right on his head.

“Shut your fuckin’ mouth. I’m gonna find some buckets.” Spider scowled as he walked out of the room. He stepped into the hallway, the floors creaking with every step. There were glimpses of when this was a functional dorm, a theme vaguely peeking through. No buckets though. Or even bowls. What he was really hunting for was a kitchen.

He stopped at a staircase, wondering if the kitchen was more likely up or down, when he heard a loud crash sound.

It wasn’t thunder, so his immediate thought was that Grim knocked something over. So he whipped around, and-

Three wispy white beings stood in front him, towering over him at at least 6 feet. They each wore scarves and hats, and floated off the ground, their bodies white and transparent. This was the fucking monster house.

Spider brands himself as fearless. Unfortunately, he’s also pathetic, and in the middle of a breakdown. He stumbled backwards, nearly cracking his skull open on a post of the stairs as he fell backwards, the ghosts watching with grins and maniacal laughter.

“We haven’t had a visitor in ages!” One ghost called.

“Oh, I'm just itchin’ for new friends!” Another replied.

The three of them laughed again, leaning down closer to Spider, who, despite his dignity and every preconceived notion he had of himself prior, screamed like a little girl.

“Would you keep it down-” Spider was, for once, relieved to hear Grim’s voice. He felt sick even thinking of it.

Grim screamed even louder. “G-GHOSTS!!!” Grim scurried over, hiding in Spider’s robe again, and Spider held him close to his chest, like a stuffed animal. 

“All the people who used to live here got scared of us and ran.” One ghost claimed, wisping around the air. 

“We just want a new ghost to play with! What do you say, buddy?” The larger ghost grinned.

“You’re gonna kill me??” Spider shouted on instinct, shuffling backwards, but catching himself before he tumbled down the stairs. Grim squealed and cried, burying more against Spider.

Grim tried his best to contain himself, sitting up. “I’m a master sorcerer! I’m not afraid of dumb ghosts!” He claimed, his voice shaking like a leaf in the wind. He shouted, and suddenly, blue flame engulfed the room.

“GRIM YOU DUMBASS!!” Spider finally stood up, starting to run up the stairs, because fire.

“Nuh-uh. Not even close.” One ghost winked.

“Over here! Over here!” The other mocked.

“ARGH! They keep disappearin’!” Grim cried, more flames following. 

“Would you quit bein’ a fuckin’ idiot!? You’re gonna set the whole dorm on fire! Get your ass up here!” Spider shouted, halfway up the stairs. Yes, he was planning on jumping out a window and running to one of the functional dorms.

“SHADDUP!! I don’t need any lip from you, human!” Grim scolded.

“FINE!! DIE THEN!!” Spider shouted back, running up the stairs. He heard Grim struggling, and saying something about being a master sorcerer, but he wasn’t listening. 

“Gangin’ up on us, you’re a buncha cowards!!” He heard Grim shout. Provoking the ghosts even more, what a genius.

“YOU, HUMAN!! GET BACK HERE!!” Grim shouted. “I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHICH WAY THE GHOSTS ARE!” 

“YOU HAVE EYES, DICKNOZZLE!!!” Spider shouted back, leaning over the stair rail. Though, he realized, from where he was… he had a bird eye view.

Fine.

He kept a mindful watch on the ghosts, shouting whatever direction they appeared in, though Grim was apparently dyslexic, because it took a good few shouts for him to figure out which way was what. 

He finally hit the damn ghost, though.

The two made a shockingly good team, once Grim figured out the difference between East and West. 

After a moment, the largest ghost shouted. “We gotta get out of here!! Before we disappear for good!!” And with that, all three of them ran for the hills. And shockingly, nothing was on fire.

“Did… did we win?” Grim asked, sounding somewhat shocked. Spider walked back down stairs, crossing his arms as he looked down at the cat.

“No. but I'll let you pretend we did.”

Chapter Text

Spider paused for a moment, glancing around the rickety building. The ghosts had all been expelled, for the time being. Spider wasn’t sure how long that would last.

Grim sauntered up the stairs, looking like he’d just been splashed in the face with water. He was inches away from curling up against Spider’s leg, his eyes shiny and huge like the plastic eyes of a cheap plushie. “Aw geez… i was scared outta my mind…”

After a moment he seemed to collect himself, perking back up. “I- I mean, they didn’t faze me at all!” Grim pouted, looking haughty. “Just a walk in the park for a mage of my strength! Right, ghosties?” He called out into the empty halls.

Spider rolled his eyes, picking Grim up by the tail. He held him like an exterminator holds a rat, dangling him like a fish out of water. “Don’t provoke ‘em.” He mumbled, barely audible over Grim’s kicking and screaming.

“PUT ME DOWN, YOU IMBECILE! I AM THE MIGHTY-” his pleas, more like screeches, were cut short by echoing footsteps.

No doubt made by something with a heavy heel, the shoes clacked against the old wood floor, taking confident strides. Spider dropped Grim with no regard of where he landed, looking around for the source of the noise.

Out of the main room stepped Weird Fucker, feathers rustling against expensive fabric and clicking shoes as he approached. “Good evening.” He bowed, and Spider couldn’t help but find it mocking.

“What do you want?” Spider questioned, praying he’d found a way to send him home.

“In another gesture of my boundless kindness, I have brought you dinner!” Weird Fucker smiled. Spider was something akin to grateful. It wasn’t home, and it certainly wasn’t his papa’s cooking, but he was starving. He hadn’t thought much of it until it was brought up, though. He would’ve probably resorted to eating Grim.

Speaking of Grim, the little fucker immediately piped up, a shit-eating grin on his face. “FOOD!!” He nearly toppled down the stairs, causing Weird Fucker to jump back.

“Wait… that is the creature I ejected for causing issues at orientation! What is it doing here?!” Weird Fucker shouted, the furrowing of his eyebrows evident by how the yellow glow of his eyes shifted beyond his mask.

Grim sauntered down the stairs, arms crossed, a smirk on his face that made Spider wanna bash his head in. “Takin’ care of yer ghost problem. You’re welcome!” This cat didn’t know when to shut the fuck up.

“What is the meaning of this, Spider?” Weird Fucker glared. Why was everything his fault??

“Actually!” Spider feigned a smile, picking Grim up by the tail yet again, holding him like a white boy holds a fish he just reeled in. “He was just leavin’.”

“NO I WASN’T-” Grim’s protests were quickly shut up. 

“He wandered in here like he owned the place and demanded shelter from little ol’ me, then he started blazin’ the place up. What was I meant to do? I ain’t got fancy magic like you.” Spider feigned innocence, tossing Grim on the ground like he was dirt. “Go on, git.”

Grim pouted. “Thats not what happened at all! I was smokin’ those ghosts, and you were helpin!” Weird Fucker seemed contemplative, hand on his chin like he was stroking a nonexistent beard, as he watched Spider quite literally kick Grim’s ass.

“Come to think of it… I do seem to recall this dorm having a mischievous ghost problem.” Weird Fucker mused. “Ah, yes… that’s why it was abandoned. The ghosts scared away all the residents.

“Oh don’t tell me you’re sidin’ with him!” Spider shouted back. “Give me my damn dinner and get outta here, wouldja?”

Weird Fucker just continued rambling. “And you two… joined forced to be rid of them?”

“Joined forces ain’t exactly how i’d describe it…” Grim mumbled, his ears puffing up and swirling, crackling blue embers out into the stuffy air.

“Fuck no.” Spider said bluntly.

“More like I drove ‘em away, and the human watched. I only did it for tuna anyway!” Grim retorted, Weird Fucker continuing to stroke his nonexistant beard. “Say… I never got that tuna ya promised!” Grim turned to Spider accusatorily, like an owl turning its head all the way around.

“I ain’t got no damn tuna!” Spider shouted. He wished he had tuna. He wished he had any food at all. He wished Weird Fucker would stop talking and give him his dinner.

“YOU FILTHY LIAR!!” Grim shouted back, the two continuing to squabble over tuna that never existed until Weird Fucker butted in.

“Would you… be so kind as to demonstrate your ghost-eradication methods for me?” 

“No, cause one, I already wiped em all out!!” Grim scowled, immediately turning to Spider. “And two, where’s my tuna!?” He questioned, before jumping on Spider like the face huggers from Alien.

“I will play the part of the ghost.” Weird Fucker claimed, stone cold serious, like the kid every drama class has that treats it like professional acting and not a bunch of 14 year olds scrambling together a barely legal rendition of the same three plays. “As for the tuna, you’ll receive it when you defeat me. Oh, what generosity, Crowley…”

Spider nearly gagged, did this fucker just refer to himself in the third person?

“Can I have tuna t-” Before Spider could finish speaking, Crowley had downed a… suspicious white liquid, which did not inspire confidence in Spider’s brain. Seconds later, he poofed out of existence, and reappeared as a ghost, complete with his mask and hat. Terrifying. Worse than the other ones.

“Ughhh, you gotta be kiddin’ me… i gotta work together with the human again?” Grim sighed, looking like a kicked puppy.

“I aint stoked about it either.” Spider mumbled. Grim growled a bit before jumping up, clearly planning to latch onto Spider again for height, but ultimately just fell over when the other dodged.

“Uuugh!! I better be up to my jowls in tuna after this!” Who the fuck says jowls??

Spider grabbed Grim by the ribbon, tossing him next to ghost Weird Fucker before running up the stairs to his birds eye view. He wasn’t stoked about this.

“Don’t be afraid to strike. I, in my boundless kindness, shan’t be offended.” Weird Fucker’s voice sounded just as haunting as the others, but infinitely more annoying.

Spider reluctantly mumbled whatever direction ghost Weird Fucker appeared, causing Grim to shout at him to be louder. All in all, the two made an awful team. Likely because both of their egos were through the roof and they were constantly battling over who was in charge.

Though, Spider’s ego was earned, in his own head, at least. He walked an odd line, jumping between hating himself and having the confidence of a god.

The way he saw it was, his confidence was objective. He truly thought he was above the average- but that didn’t stop him from hating every inch of himself.

He seemed to have gotten caught in his own mind, startled back by Grim yelling. “Hey, human! I ain’t hitting squat! Speed up!!” Spider rolled his eyes, not giving a damn what Weird Fucker said after.

Just to piss Grim off, Spider alternated his terms, swapping from saying cardinal directions, to left and right, to clock directions, to wind directions… Grim looked like he was about to explode. It was hilarious.

“PICK ONE!!” Grim was bursting fire in every which direction, missing Weird Fucker a good chunk of the time. 

“Grim, I said windward, not leeward.” Spider smirked a bit, the reflection of the flame in his eye making him look a bit sinister.

“WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN??” Grim shouted, missing Weird Fucker again.

“My kindness has a limit, I must admit…” Weird Fucker’s voice courses through, rattling the house’s loose boards. “Losers don't get tuna.”

“Come on, human! My tuna’s on the line!!” Grim nearly screamed, and Spider just got more frustrating.

“That way.”

“WHICH WAY?”

“That one.”

Finally, it was over, and Weird Fucker was still grating on Spider’s last nerve.

“Your direction could use some work… as could your monster’s magic.” He shifted back to human, patting Grim’s head condescendingly. As if in protest, Grim set another blaze, causing Weird Fucker to grimace.

“That is quite enough!” This was more entertaining than any tv show Spider had seen in a while. “You there! Control your monster!”

“That's what she said.” Spider mumbled, sauntering down the stairs, before grabbing Grim by the scruff. “He ain’t mine. He’s your problem more than he is mine.” He tossed Grim at Weird Fucker’s chest, but his throw was a bit weak, so Grim just plopped pathetically on the floor. 

Spider still, and above all else, wanted dinner.

Chapter Text

Crowley seemed perplexed at Spider’s words. “I’ve… never seen anyone bend a monster to their will quite like you have, though. I must admit, i did sense something about you after that brouhaha at orientation, Spider.” Brouhaha??

“You had a certain animal trainer-y, beast master-ish quality to you. Yes yes.” Spider was about half sure that was an insult. And he was fully sure that Weird Fucker had no such intuition and pulled that out of his feathered ass.

“That said, I…” Crowley mumbled, looking down at Grim.

Grim’s eyes were huge and shining, watery like crystal lakes, his pupils dilated like a cat. His ears swirled and crackled, the never-ending flame sending embers into the air, not charring a bit of his soft fur. He looked so delicate when he wasn’t speaking, like a stuffed animal thrown aside by a careless child, or a stray cat wandering a parking lot that you can’t help but give a bite of your food.

Spider knew, somewhere deep in the pit of his stomach, that if Grim was denied access to the school, he’d keep coming back. And he also knew, if Grim kept coming back, he’d surely be killed.

Grim was insufferable, impulsive, idiotic, and irritating, but he was a child. A child with a dream. 

Spider locked eyes with Weird Fucker, the yellow twinkling lights flickering beyond the crow mask. “...Grim would… really like to go to this school.” Spider blurted out without even realizing it. 

“What? A- A monster, stay HERE?” Weird Fucker retorted, and Spider was about to take it back.

Then Grim shot him a look. A look of pure surprise, eyes sparkling with hope and gratefulness and shock. He’d never admit it, but for that split second, Grim showed a crack of vulnerability.

“I… suppose I cannot deny such a plea.” Weird Fucker said softly, his gaze darting between Grim and Spider. “Very well.”

Grim beamed, a smile wider and more genuine than Spider had seen in years, on anyone. “Myah- you mean it?” Spider felt a weak smile creeping onto his face, and he immediately bit the inside of his cheeks to stop it. 

“Let me be clear!” Weird Fucker interrupted, and Spider was seconds away from decking the fuck out of him. “Under zero circumstances will I admit anyone to Night Raven College who has not been chosen by the Dark Mirror- especially a monster!” His gaze shifted. “Nor do I intend to allow you, Spider, to freeload here until you can return home.”

Grim sighed, being casual, but the sheer disappointment in his eyes cut deep. 

“Allow me to explain.” Weird Fucker mused, adjusting his coat. Spider moved to sit on the staircase, allowing Grim to crawl into his lap. 

“It was the Dark Mirror that brought you here. Therefore this school does bear some responsibility for you. So I will allow you to remain in this dorm, free of charge.” Weird Fucker explained, the two of them watching him with varying degrees of interest.

“However, you will have to pay for your own food, clothes, and incidentals.” Spider scowled a bit at that. He doesn't even know what the currency of this world is, much less does he have any.

“As to how you will do so, penniless as you are…” He contemplated for all of five seconds. “Aha, yes, a fine plan…” Spider swallowed harshly, biting the inside of his mouth again. He did NOT want to work for Weird Fucker, or any of his fuckass school staff. Maybe this world had some equivalent of Burger King or whatever. Spider’s been fired from every job he’s ever had, but hey, at least there's some money in it. And in no way was he gonna whore himself, everyone else at this schools probably broke anyway. 

“You needn’t seem so alarmed. I’m simply going to ask you to do a few odd jobs around campus. I can tell you know your way around a broom” Fuck that. Spider’s not working for him. He’s not cleaning up after highschool douchebags for minimum wage. Or less. 

“So… what do you two say to working together as a janitorial team? If you agree, i’ll make a special exception for you to remain on campus.” Weird Fucker grinned. “I’ll even allow you to use the school library and gym!”

“Fuck no.” Spider scowled, and Grim didn’t sound much more interested. “What kinda deal is that?” The cat whined.

“If you’re not satisfied, I can arrange to have you thrown out again.” there was a certain reluctance to Weird Fucker’s tone, like he really didn’t want those two on his grounds.

“...fine. Let’s do it.” Grim pouted. Spider was about to protest, but really, what choice did he have? “Fine.” He mumbled. The pay better be damn good.

“Wonderful! I’m sure you’ll both strive to be the best as the newest members of the Night Raven College janitorial team!” Weird Fucker put his arms out like hes so proud of himself, grinning from ear to ear like fireworks were gonna appear behind him.

“Yep. Can I have dinner now?” 

Chapter Text

The walls of Ramshackle seemed to shift and creak with each movement, a palace of peeling wallpaper and rusted metal, infested with roaches and cobwebs. The mattress was a glorified chunk of foam, resting atop a bed frame so rickety that Spider wouldn’t be shocked if he woke up on the ground. Dust fell from the ceiling as he pitifully tried to fall asleep, this was somehow worse than sharing a room with his sister.

He’d been here for less than a full day and he already wanted to kill himself.

Falling asleep was a chore. He tossed and turned, careful not to wake up Grim. he tried just about every position he could contort himself into until he finally found something tolerable that wouldn’t kill his neck. 

Though the sleep wasn’t great, morning was still less than a mercy.

The room smelled of nothing but dust. The sleepwear that Crowley provided was really just some spare P.E shorts and an old t-shirt that was about 3 sizes too big, sporting the NRC logo on the front. The bed was creaky and the mattress expelled enough dust and soot to choke him when he first sat on it, but it was a bed. It was a bed with pillows and blankets that, despite how tattered they were, were still warm.

Grim curled up at Spider’s feet, much like Spider’s cat always did back home. Smoke was a skittish cat, she refused to sleep without curling up against someone. Anything could spook her awake, even the drop of a pin. Spider had to wonder if she was sleeping at all without him there.

Light seeped in through the cracked window and came through Spider’s eyelashes, his eyes hazy and barely open.

A raspy, playful voice invaded his ears, and it wasn’t Grim.

“Hee hee… aren’t you two supposed to be off doing janitor work today~?” it cooed. Spider’s eyes blinked open, uneasy at the unfamiliar voice, but it was just a ghost.

“Mmmm… just another minute, Ma…” Grim whined. He has a mother? That's new.

Another ghost hovered about. Spider wasn’t a fan of sharing a room with ghosts.

“Go ahead, sleep the day away! And you might not eeeever hafta wake up again!” One ghost called. “Just like us~!” another laughed.

Spider wasn’t quite awake yet, his vision was blurry and his body felt like he’d just ran 15 miles. The thin old mattress had him more sore than anyone should be when they start the day. Spider was eternally mad at Crowley for not letting him use one of the perfectly good dorms. He fantasized for a moment about the soft, cushy pillows and plush mattresses that they must offer, given how high end this school is…

“THE GHOSTS ARE BACK! Spider!! Up and at em!!” Grim cried, shooting up like his tail was stepped on. Spider blinked away the haze of his eyes and sat up, cursing the heavens for the pain between his shoulder blades.

Grim blasted them away with one lazy fire spout, they weren’t as persistent this morning. Spider dropped his head back down, burying his face in the barely-soft pillow that he had to shake dust and cobwebs out of. The pillow was now smeared with makeup, he’d been too tired to properly wash his face last night. And the sink barely worked anyway. He nearly dozed off, tuning out whatever bullshit Grim was spewing, until he was rudely greeted by a ghost yet again.

“Soo I hear you’ll be living here from now on? Hope you like pranks as much as we do!” The thinnest ghost of the bunch hovered above the bed, sending a chill down Spider’s aching spine. He groaned, picking up the pillow and attempting to smack the ghost, though it just phased through it. The ghost giggled as it disappeared, and Spider fell against the bed again. He wanted to sleep for 15 more hours.

“We gotta get rid of those guys!! For good!!” Grim exclaimed. 

“Mhmm…” Spider drearily agreed, and a shocking few minutes of silence went by. Spider drifted back to sleep in the faint, warm sunlight, and Grim shockingly left him alone. He needed this. He needed 30 hours of sleep. And another 20. He needed to go into a coma. He needed to die.

That lasted all of five minutes before he heard footsteps approach the door. Very comforting thing to hear.

He blinked awake, glancing around the room for something to use to defend himself. He started to reach for the lamp on the bedside table, cautiously watching the rickety old door, which slowly opened to reveal…

Weird Fucker.

“Good morning, Spider! Did you sleep we-” Weird Fucker was interupted by Spider chucking a lamp at him. He didn't need to defend himself, sure, but he wanted to be left alone. 

“MYAH!” Grim jumped back, and Weird Fucker used his weird fucker magic to catch the lamp before it hit anything and broke. It levitated in the air for a moment before being brought back to its original place on the bedside table.

Weird Fucker cleared his throat, clearly unhappy. “Let us try this again. Ahem. Did you sleep well?”

“No. Fuck off!!” Spider yelled, and Grim piped up as well. 

“Not at all. The mattress fell right through the frame!!” Grim whined.

“No it didn’t, you fuckdick, I’m laying on it!” Spider shot back.

“Ugh. and we got woken up by ghosts!!” Grim looked up at Weird Fucker as if he was at all intimidating and couldn’t easily be punted into the fireplace.

“I slept like ass.” Spider mumbled into the pillow, having flopped back down after his lamp escapade didn't work. He had no idea what his makeup looked like. He did not want Weird Fucker in here.

“Well, it’s understandable you’d be anxious after being pulled into an unfamiliar place.”

Spider was… a lot of things. He wasn’t sure if anxious was one of them.

“I’m not anxious. This bed is shit.” He was basically ignoring Weird Fucker.

“But… the world is cruel sometimes. So suck it up and move on!” Weird Fucker grinned. Grim pouted, curling up on the bed again. They were both ready to go back to sleep. Weird Fucker was essentially talking at them, not to them.

“Let us discuss your assignment for today.” Weird Fucker pulled the tarp off the chair in the corner, unveiling a mound of dust into the air. Spider coughed as he sat down like he owned the place.

“Assignment…?” Spider mumbled.

“Your job today is to clean the campus. That said, the campus is vast, and without magic, it’d be quite a Herculean task to clean it all.” Weird Fucker mused.

“Suck a dick.” Spider said into the pillow. Weird Fucker seemed to be ignoring him at this point. 

“For today, i’ll have you focus on the area spanning from the front gates to the library.” Weird Fucker stood up, stepping closer to the bed. Grim hissed at him, acting more and more like a house cat.

“Oh goodie.” Spider said sarcastically. 

“Now, Spider…” Weird Fucker was clearly displeased of him still being in bed, and so dismissive towards him. He tapped Spider’s shoulder a time or two with his fuckass claw hands, causing him to unearth his face from the pillow and scowl at him.

“I do expect that you’ll keep a close eye on Grim, lest he cause another incident.” Weird Fucker sounded a bit stern, and Spider finally sat up a bit, waving his hand.

“Yeah, yeah.” He rolled his eyes, rubbing his eye a bit to wake up. The smear of eyeshadow left on his hand wasn't a good sign.

“Do not fail me.” Weird Fucker smiled. He began to step towards the door, that fake grin still plastered on his face. 

“I’ll leave and allow you to freshen up, but I expect to see you get to work in a timely manner. You may take your lunch in the cafeteria.” he bowed, before stepping out. After a moment, the creak of the main door faded out, and Spider groaned into the pillow yet again.

He glanced at Grim. “What are the chances the shower in this dump works?” He asked, sounding pretty hopeless.

“Probably pretty low.” Grim replied, waddling into the sad little bathroom connected to the bedroom. Spider followed close behind, picking up the broom. He wrung out the cobwebs from the shower and managed to get the bathroom light to turn on, but the chances of the thing turning on were slim. 

The sink worked a drop at a time, and the toilet flushed, but not without struggle. The shower… clearly had seen better days.

Spider turned the faucet little by little, and water… actually came out!

…for about 10 seconds.

“UGH!” Spider groaned, tossing the broom on the floor in frustration. Grim pouted a bit.

“Maybe the one downstairs works!” He proposed, already racing downstairs. Whatever, Spider thought. Let him explore.

Spider got the sink to run, and wrung the dust out of the least tattered towel. He managed to scrub the last of the makeup off his face, and stared in the cracked mirror for a moment.

He came to a realization that left a heavy feeling in his chest.

He grabbed the uniform Weird Fucker gave him and managed to shut the door, not without some struggle and a lot of creaking. It didn’t fit right at all.

The shirt was a bit small, and didn’t quite button right over his chest. The jacket, however, was far too big, and came down over his hands. The pants fit fine, but were a bit long. The shoes fit perfectly, but they had no heel, and Spider had a complex about his height. This would never do.

He opted to keep the NRC sleepwear shirt on under the button up. It was comfier, and he didn’t trust that the buttons wouldn’t pop open. He cuffed the pants and rolled up the jacket sleeves, and tossed his hair a bit.

He stared at the mirror a moment too long, standing on his toes. The makeup he was wearing is long gone, and it's not like he has any more.

He let the door open, seeing Grim on the bed again, fur standing straight up. That pit in his chest came back.

Spider never left the house without makeup.

His skin was uneven and covered in blemishes. Small scars here and there, pimples and little spots, other things he couldn’t help but fixate on. And… not to mention, from head to toe, he was covered in freckles.

Years of working out in the blistering Georgia sun gave him freckles, permanently covering him, most evident across his cheeks and his shoulders. He hated them.

His tan faded a bit over the years, due to going outside less. But he wasn’t as pasty as his older sister, he still had a bit. The freckles never seemed to leave.

He didn’t like going out without makeup in his world. Much less in a world where people don’t know him, don’t have an impression of him. He has to make them form good impressions. He can’t go out like this.

He glanced at Grim again, who finally noticed the door was open. He seems exasperated.

“The shower downstairs DON’T work!! It’s worse! I got shocked!” Grim exclaimed, causing Spider to chuckle a bit.

Grim pouted, jumping off the bed and stepping over to Spider. He looked up at him, eyes widening. “You look different, henchhuman!” 

Spider rolled his eyes. “Kill yourself.” He walked out of the bedroom, wishing he had literally anything. Weird Fucker gave him some basic stuff, just a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, and some bottled water. But he didn’t have any damn food, or anything to calm the wrath of his acne. Or cover it. Or those goddamn freckles.

He grabbed a bottle of water, which was sitting in the fridge that didn’t work. He needed caffeine badly.

“You have spots on your face!” Grim exclaimed, like he’d never seen a person with freckles. “Shut up. We have shit to do.”

Spider stepped over to the door, Grim sauntering behind him. “Hmph. I don’t wanna clean nothin’!” He whined. Spider opened the door, blinded by the sunlight. He guessed it was around 8am, by the position of the sun. There were no working clocks in Ramshackle, they were all stuck at 4:20. Nice.

Grim jumped around as he followed Spider. “I’m here to study magic so I can be blastin’ off spells! BOOM! POW! BAM!” 

“We can go to the library after we’re done cleanin’. I ain’t stoked either.” Spider glared. There were plenty of things he wasn’t stoked about. “Hrmph.” Grim grumbled.

Overall, it was a shit morning. And it was hot as balls outside. Spider did not feel like sweeping in the blistering sun for hours on end. But, here he was. 

Kill me now. 

Chapter Text

Spider was too tired for this shit.

He sauntered down the paths leading from Ramshackle to wider civilization, not awake enough to process anything. They eventually came to a brick walkway, lined with statues. Spider was looking at the ground the whole walk. 

“Woaaah, so this is main street?” Grim sounded awestruck, so Spider finally lifted his head. Seven statues sat on either side of the path, and Spider blinked for a moment.

That… that couldn’t be right.

This was an alien world. Another dimension. A fantastical world full of magic and wonder and beasts and talking cats.

The statues were all motherfucking Disney villians.

Hades, Jafar, Maleficent, the Apple Bitch, The Queen of Hearts, Ursula, and Scar. carved perfectly to their animated likenesses.

“What the fuck?” Spider said out loud.

“What’s the deal with these seven statues? They look pretty scary.” Grim crossed his arms, looking at all of them. Spider was confused as hell.

He stepped over to the statue of Jafar, staring at it for a moment, running his hand along the base. Grim sauntered up to the Queen of Hearts, musing. “This lady looks like she needs some serious anger management…” 

Spider turned around, ready to make some snarky remark, when one of the passing students butted in.

“You don’t know the Queen of Hearts?” He asked, sounding obnoxiously british. Spider turned to meet his eye. He was wearing the same uniform as Spider, but his actually fit, and he had a bright red vest.

He had faint freckles across his cheeks, not as visible as Spider’s. His eyes were striking, a ruby red, matching his vest. A similarly bright red heart was painted over his eye.

And he was blindingly ginger. 

Spider opted not to answer, he figured it’d be funny to let Grim navigate social situations.

“Is she some kinda big deal?” Grim asked. Gingerfuck smirked, admiring the statue.

“She was a queen that lived in a maze of rose bushes long, long ago.” He began, seeming a bit reverant as he stared at the Queen’s statue. “She was a strict woman who prized order above all. She wouldn’t tolerate a rose being off-color, or anyone being out of step. She ruled over a kingdom of madness. But no one dared to defy her. You wanna know why?”

Grim seemed interested, but Spider wasn’t. He leaned on the statue of Jafar, unimpressed. He cocked an eyebrow. “Because she’d cut their head off?” He asked.

“Because the punishment for breaking a rule wa- hey!” Gingerfuck whined like Spider stole his thunder. Spider rolled his eyes. He figured maybe he should pretend not to know about these characters, maybe it was different here. Gingerfuck was talking like she was real. And given that British Twink from orientation followed her rules down to the letter, maybe she was. 

“WAHH! That’s messed up!” Grim cried. 

“Pretty cool, huh? I’m a big fan.” Gingerfuck grinned, winking a bit.

Spider rolled his eyes yet again. “Yeah yeah whatever, who gives a fuck. Who even are you, anyway?”

Gingerfuck grinned. “Name’s Ace! I’m a first-year student here, as of… today! Pleased to meetcha~!” Spider already hated him. 

“The pleasure ain’t returned.” he grumbled.

“I’m Grim!! I’m a prodigy whos gonna be the greatest mage who ever lived!” Grim gave that cocky, sharp-toothed smile, paws on his hips. “That there’s my far less interesting hench-human, Spider!” 

Spider stood up straight from the statue, scowling at Grim. “I ain’t anyone’s hench anythin’.”

Ace cocked his head. “‘Spider’? Like the bug? Huh.” wow, he’s never heard that one before.

Grim shuffled over to the statue of Scar. “Tell me, Ace, was this lion with a scar on the eye also a famous ruler??”

Ace grinned. “Of course!”

Spider cocked his head. Scar was a dick, wasn’t he? He killed his brother and took the throne. Y’know, like a dick. But whatever, Spider didn’t care. And Spider was also, famously, a dick.

“That’s the king of beasts, who ruled the savanna. But he wasn’t born into the throne, he had to earn it, through hard work and elaborate schemes.” And murder. “When he became king, he decreed that the hyena’s would be hungry no more, and should live among subjects as equals.” This story is missing a lot.

“Sounds like a great guy!” Grim grinned. No??

Ace stepped over to Ursula, going as Grim asked. “The Sea Witch who lived in an undersea grotto. She devoted her life to helping troubled merfolk!” And turning them into polyps. “If they could pay the price, she’d help them change their appearance, find love, whatever! There was no wish she couldn’t grant. But… the price was a bit steep.” like taking your fucking voice?

“So once i’m a great mage, gettin’ rich offa folk will be a total cinch!” Grim exclaimed, and Spider rolled his eyes, leaning back on the Jafar statue again. 

“What’s that dude with the big hat that Spider’s leanin’ on?” Grim asked, sauntering over. Spider didn’t move. He pretended to be asleep while standing. Like a horse.

“That's the Sorcerer of the Sands. He was an advisor to a total dumbass Sultan. He was a smart guy, real capable sort.” Didn’t he also wanna marry the like, 16 year old princess? “He exposed a swindler once, some guy pretending to be a prince to trick the princess!” everything seemed backwards. Or maybe this was just Twisted. “After that, he got his magic lamp and became the greatest sorcerer in the world!” And it’s all his fault!

“Woah! Guess it’s true a mage needs great judge of character, huh?” Grim mused. He sauntered up to Apple Bitch next—Spider forgot her name, admiring her beauty.

Ace began. “She’s a queen whose said to be the fairest in the land. In fact, she used her magic mirror to check how she ranked every day! When it looked like her position was threatened, she’d do whatever it took to keep it.” Spider couldn’t judge this one, he hadn’t seen Snow White. Something something apple. “Can you imagine the level of dedication it would take to keep a record like that?”

Ace’s tone switched a bit. “They also say she was a master of making poisons.” 

Grim stuttered. “Jeez, she's pretty, but that sounds scary…” Pussy. Spider would probably let someone poison him if they were hot enough. But maybe that's a him problem. 

“Ya think so? I respect the hustle.” Ace smiled. Oh my god, shut up.

Grim gave an awkward sort of grin, looking up at the statue. “F-for sure… sounds like she fought hard!” 

Spider stepped closer, reading the plaque on the statue base. It really painted her as some divine ruler of beauty. And skimming the others, they were all portrayed as highly revered figures, maybe even gods.

Had Spider wandered into some unreleased Disney product to pander to lonely edgy assholes? Was he in some kind of fucking villian-oriented visual novel? Was Ace a date-able character? 

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Grim sauntered over to the Hades statue. “Who’s this dude with the flaming head?”

Ace’s face shifted into a twisted grin, his voice deepening like he was doing an impression of Hades. “That’s the king of the underworld.” He began. “Single-handedly ruling a kingdom packed with crazy spirits- that takes skill! He may look scary, but he was a straight shooter who worked tirelessly at a tough job he didn’t even ask for.” This one Spider can accept, Hades was the only part of that movie he found enjoyable as a child. He definitely did not know an embarrassing amount of lyrics from it (and basically every other movie featured here), not him. 

“I mean, this guy was ordering Cerberus, the hydra, and the titans into battle for him!” Ace grinned. 

Grim stood back, cocking his head. “Hmmm… that IS something! To think he had all that power and never let it go to his head!” That wasn’t entirely true, also, Grim was one to fucking talk.

“And that last one there, with the horns?” Grim inquired, turning to Maleficent. 

“That’s the Thorn Fairy, who lived on a mystical mountain. She was noble and elegant, and a master of magic and curses—even by the standards of all these guys!” He sounded sort of in awe, but that was probably just part of his act.

“She commanded storms, covered the kingdom with thorns, she could use magic on a massive scale!” Ace grinned. “She could even turn herself into a massive dragon!” Spider wished he could do that.

“Ooh, a dragon! What all monsters yearn to be!” Grim mused, paws on his hips, grin wide.

“Cool, huh…” Ace sighed, earning an agreement from Grim. 

“...not like some piddling weasel.” the ginger’s face shifted to a meddling smirk, and Grim’s smile dropped to a straight line. Okay, maybe this guy wasn’t so annoying. For now.

Chapter Text

“Cool, huh…” Ace sighed, earning an agreement from Grim. 

“...not like some piddling weasel.” the ginger’s face shifted to a meddling smirk, and Grim’s smile dropped to a straight line. Okay, maybe this guy wasn’t so annoying. For now.

“MYAH?!” 

Ace suddenly snickered, which soon turned to a chortle, and quickly to a full-chested laugh. He nearly doubled over, holding onto the base of the Queen of Hearts statue. “I can’t hold it back anymore-” He continued laughing like some lunatic.

“The hells so funny?” Spider finally spoke up, stepping away from the statue he’d been leaning against to approach Ace, not looking amused at all.

“Come on, you’re the guys that turned orientation into that whole fiasco, right?” Ace raised an eyebrow, standing up straight. His voice was still struggling through chuckles. “The one summoned by the Dark Mirror who can’t use magic at all, and the monster no one summoned at all.”

Okay, now Spider was pissed off. Fuck everything he thought about Ace ‘not being too bad’. This fucker needed his balls kicked in, and fast. 

“It took everything I had not to burst into laughter in the middle of the ceremony!” Ace chuckled, stepping over like he was planning to set his hand on Spider’s shoulder, to rub salt in the wound. Spider stepped back, eyes narrowing. Ace didn’t acknowledge that he was the only one laughing, and Spider truly doubted he cared.

“Would you shut the fuck up?” Spider crossed his arms. He was too exhausted to start a fight, so for once in his life he didn’t push. Yet.

This fueled Ace further. “And in the end, neither of you got admitted, and now you’re janitors?” He laughed again, his face plastered with a shit eating grin. “SO lame!”

“What did you just call me??” Grim shouted, followed by Spider picking him up by the scruff. He didn't trust Grim to not claw Ace’s ugly face off, and Spider would no doubt be blamed for that. 

“Not like I have a god damn choice!” Spider yelled back. “I argued with that bird bitch for god knows how long, its this or the fuckin’ streets, Strawberry Shortcake.” Spider sounded stern, calling Ace the first ginger character he could think of. “At least you got a way to get back to your fuckin’ family.”

Ace paused a second, maybe the tiniest hint of sympathy crossing his red eyes, but it was gone in a second.

“Whatever, man, I can’t believe you’re both so clueless you don’t even know the Great Seven.” He chuckled again. “Maybe take a second crack at kindergarten?”

Spider rolled his eyes, dropping Grim. “Oh boo fuckin’ hoo, I don’t know the lore of your lame ass history and your lame ass statues of your ugly fuckin’ gods or whatever. This shit don’t exist where I'm from! And it ain’t exactly my top fuckin’ priority!” He scolded, eyes narrowing. He realized that Ace, at this point, didn’t know Spider was from another world.

“Where the hell are you from, man? Some mountain range? The middle of the desert? I didn’t know a place in all of Twisted Wonderland existed where they didn’t teach about the great seven.” Ace chuckled again. Spider elected not to tell Ace the full truth, his tiny ginger mind probably couldn’t handle it.

“None of your damn business! Don’t you got your gay little classes to get to or whatever? Surely ya got better shit to do than this!” Spider scolded, and Grim growled behind him, like some feral dog.

“Chill out, man! I just thought I’d tease you a bit. And man am I glad I did! It’s been a blast. I’ll let you get back to picking up trash.” Ace winked, started to walk down the path. “Byeeee~!”

“MYAH! You ain’t walkin’ away from me!” Grim yelled. Spider should’ve been the responsible one here, but he was damn mad too. So fuck it, he was gonna let this play out.

“MYAAAAH!” He should not have let this play out.

The familiar scorching heat hit the air around them, blue flames erupting from the ground. 

“WHOA!” Ace was knocked off his feet, falling on his ass at the edge of the path. “What gives?!”

Grim sauntered over, flame in his eyes. “No one makes fun of the master of fire, Grim! I’m gonna make that explodey-head of yours explode for real!!” That made little sense, but A for effort.

“Explodey-head… you wanna throw down with me, shorty? You got some guts.” Something darkened in Ace’s tone. “You wanna talk hair? I’ll shave you like a toy poodle!”

“Jesus, you are both so lame!” Spider retorted, cutting off Grim from shooting another flame attack. “This flashy shit ain’t gonna do shit.” He held Grim by the head like you would a screaming child. “You need a good fuckin’ punch to the jaw, Ron Weasley.”

“I’d like to see you try, Half-n-half!” Ace smirked.

“Real creativ-” Spider was cut off by Grim breaking out of his grip and shooting off another fireball. It blew off trajectory, dissipating into the air after being hit with a gust of strong wind. 

“H-hey! His magic wind is blowin’ my fire off course! No fair!” Grim whined.

“No fair indeed…” Spider grumbled, stepping over to Ace. Grim kept setting off fire, and Ace seemed pretty preoccupied with blowing them away with his wind magic that he didn’t even seem to notice Spider.

Spider cracked his knuckles, watching as Ace’s face stayed in that shit-eating smirk. 

Spider ignored the chatter of the other students, this was a situation he’d been in a million times.

In one quick motion, he grabbed the collar of Ace’s school jacket, yanking him closer before landing a punch straight across his cheek, the area immediately reddening. “OW! What the fuck, man?!” Ace exclaimed, stumbling away from Spider, who immediately followed him, grabbing him once again. 

Grim set off another fireball, and in his panic, Ace’s wind magic went haywire. The gust was way too strong, sending the fireballs hurling straight for one of the Great Seven statues.

Spider let go of Ace and backed away, trying to look as uninvolved as possible. Ace gasped, everyone on main street staring in awe.

“Now the Queen of Hearts statue is all charred!!” He exclaimed, eyes wide as moons, Grim looking equally distraught. 

“That’s your fault for tryna divert it! Shoulda just let yerself get burnt to a crisp!!” Grim shouted.

Ace retorted quickly. “Who in their right mind would do that?? It was half-n-half’s fault for punchin’ me and making me lose control of my magic!!”

“Have better fuckin’ control, then! What kinda mage can’t take a punch?” Spider shouted, before immediately starting to book it down the road, heading back to Ramshackle.

That was, until he was stopped in his tracks by the most annoying voice he’d ever heard returning yet again, this time much louder.

“HALT!!! What is going on here? CEASE AT ONCE!” Weird Fucker screamed. 

Ace and Grim looked equally panicked, clearly aware they were in deep, deep shit. 

Drawing his magic, Weird Fucker released a lashing whip of energy, brandishing Ace and Grim, who howled in pain. 

“As if the likes of you could ever flee from me.” Weird Fucker scowled. “Did I not make myself clear when I said, “NO INCIDENTS??” And now you’ve charred one of my precious statues! It's almost as if you want to be expelled!!” 

Spider began to slowly creep down the path, hoping Weird Fucker wouldn’t notice him, but no such luck came.

“AND YOU!!” Spider froze again. “Did I not tell you to keep Grim under control??”

Spider turned around. “How the hell am I meant to do that?? I ain’t got no magic, and he can shoot fireballs from his mouth, the fuck am I meant to do with that?? Dump water on him?”

“Don’t act innocent!!” Ace piped up. “You’re the one who decked me across the face! It's your fault my wind gust went haywire!” Spider glared at him, clearly pissed.

“Is this true, Spider?” Weird Fucker raised an eyebrow, somehow visible by the lights in his mask where his eyes should be.

“Fuck off.” Spider grumbled. Weird Fucker stepped back over to Ace, arms crossed.

“You, state your name and grade. You shall all face punishment for this.” Weird Fucker scowed.

“Ace Trappola… freshman.” The fuck kind of name is Trappola? This is definitely some video game shit.

“Listen here, Trappola. You as well, Grim, and Spider.” Why does Weird Fucker use Ace’s last name but not Spider’s? Does he think they’re on a first name basis? Gross.

“As punishment for today's infractions…” Grim and Ace were practically trembling with fear. Spider was a bit uneasy, all things considered. He probably should’ve considered that setting Weird Fucker off meant homelessness.

“You are hereby sentenced to wash one hundred windows!” Weird Fucker declared.

…Fuck that, Spider would rather be homeless. 

“What the fuck??” he exclaimed. This school had those big ass floor-to-ceiling church windows. No fucking way he was doing that. 

“One hundred and one for that language, Spider.” Weird Fucker added, earning Spider a deadly glare from Ace. or, his attempt at one anyway. 

“This is your fault, Ace! This is whatcha get for makin’ fun of me!” Grim shouted. 

“Wha- I gotta do it too?” Ace sounded genuinely perplexed. Yes, you dumbass.

“Obviously you do. You three will meet in the cafeteria after classes. Are we clear?”

“Yes sir…” Ace grumbled. Grim mumbled something about not being able to catch a break, but eventually agreed. Weird Fucker looked at Spider expectantly, waiting for some kind of agreement.

“Kill yourself.” Spider scowled.

“One hundred and ten!” Weird Fucker declared, before walking off. 

Chapter Text

Spider was going to boil that damn crow into a stew. Being a janitor already sucks ass, he’s not here to do anyone’s dirty work, much less for such minimum pay. This is even worse than any of the shitty jobs he had, even if he couldn’t keep them for more than a month each. Something something, you can't punch a customer and threaten to pull their brain out through their nose because it’s "unprofessional" or whatever. Who gives a fuck whats professional, this is a PetSmart, not church. 

All day, Spider had been cleaning up around the school, like some kind of tool. He didn’t have a phone, so he didn’t even have a good way to slack off, and he couldn’t even listen to music. He just had to listen to Grim yap and yap and yap until he wanted to pull his goddamn ears off.

Grim barely even fucking did anything.

The two ended up in the cafeteria, waiting for that damn ginger to show up. One hundred and ten windows, already after all that… does the school store sell rope?

These were goddamn cathedral windows, all the way to those stupidly high ceilings. How the fuck did Weird Fucker even expect two short ass teens and a cat to get all the way up there? The power of friendship??

Grim groaned, sitting at a table. “I’m already exhausted… I can’t believe we still gotta wash a hundred windows!!”

Spider rolled his eyes. “You didn’t even do shit, furball.” he scolds, wandering over near the kitchen door. He was praying to god they had either caffeine or alcohol. Or both.

“Ace ain’t even here yet…” Grim pouted. “To make us wait after all that… grrr.”

Spider came to the disappointing realization that the kitchen door was, in fact, locked. Maybe he could climb over the counter…

What am I doing, why would they have alcohol at a high school? Well, some recipes do use wine… but I don't want wine, that's too bougie, and school lunches ain’t that fancy. Maybe they are here, though, who knows. That burrito I had today was shit, though… some dishes use vodka, right? Like some Italian bullshit or whatever? 

Spider thought to himself as he attempted to climb over the counter, trying not to catch on something and wipe out. Grim shuffled over after a moment. “Are you getting food?” the fatass asked excitedly.

Spider didn't respond, but he managed to make it over the counter, nearly falling on his ass at the end. He swore under his breath as he rummaged through the cabinets, finding nothing of use.

Oil, sauces, spices, herbs… some of this shit was too fancy for school lunches, maybe they would have…

Vodka!!

Not the good kind, the cheap kind used in cooking, obviously. But it was here, and god dammit Spider was-

…it’s fucking empty.

Who the fuck put an empty bottle back in the cabinet??!!

Whoever did, Spider was going to find them and rip their head straight off their neck. He rummages a bit more, grabbing a can of fish for Grim and a banana for himself. He tosses the empty bottle on the counter, not giving a damn if he gets caught for this, and goes back over to unlock the kitchen door and exit. He caught a glimpse of the clock on the oven- damn, Ace is late.

“Is that twink seriously not here yet?” Spider tossed Grim the can, and whatever the cat was about to say was immediately cut off by him exclaiming “TUNA!!”

“Did he bail on us?” Spider mumbled, unwrapping the banana. He started to eat it and realized how gay he probably looks, so he just broke off pieces with his hand and ate it like that. “Should we like, look for him…?”

“I ain’t doin’ his punishment for him!” Grim cried out, having finished the can of fish with concerning speed. “I don’t care if we drag him kickin’ and screamin’, he’s washin’ those windows!”

Before Spider could say a thing, Grim sped off down the hallway, and Spider had little choice but to follow him. The two wandered through the mostly empty halls, only a few students lingering for club activities or hanging out with friends. Spider finished his banana and attempted to toss the peel into a nearby trash can, but missed. 

Eh, whatever, someone else can pick it up.

Grim busted into a clearly empty classroom chosen at random, because of course the little shit didn’t bother to remember Ace’s class that he said out loud was.

“HEY! ACE! Get over here! Quit tryna hide!!” Grim shouted into the empty room, gaining no response. 

“There’s no one in here, you shit.” Spider responded, lightly kicking Grim, before a man’s voice nearly scared him into the afterlife.

“I wouldn’t say that. I’m here.”

No one was in this god damn room!! What the hell just said that? 

“MYAH! Did that painting just talk?” Grim exclaimed, and Spider looked around, his eyes landing on a portrait of an older man with a curled mustache and a very boisterous hat. 

“Yes, and…? Is that such an oddity at this school?” The painting replied, its mouth moving like it was truly alive. What the fuck was this, hogwarts?? “The lady in that other painting talks as well, as does the other gentleman. If a painting has a mouth, why shouldn't it be able to speak?” the painting continued.

“Because it’s a fuckin’ paintin’?” Spider retorted. “Y’all don’t usually talk.”

“Well, your ‘usual’ and my ‘usual’ differ then.” The man in the painting responded.

“Clearly…” Spider grumbled.

The man in the painting scoffs, his eyes turning back to Grim. “Now… you seem to be searching for someone?” he asks.

“Ah, yeah! We’re lookin’ for this guy named Ace, he’s got real messy red hair and a heart drawn on his face.” Grim explains. Not exactly how Spider would describe Ace, he’d probably use words closer to ‘ginger bitch’ and ‘faggot’, but to each their own.

“Ah, I know the one.” The man in the painting responds. His accent was… English? Something adjacent to English. Posh as hell, whatever it was. “He’s a new student, in fact, today was his first day. I think he went back to his dorm a while ago.”

That fucker, he did bail on them!

“So he is tryna ditch us! What way did he go?” Grim crossed his arms, looking as angry as a cat can.

“The door to the dorms is in the eastern building.” The man in the painting responds. Just one door? Isn’t there seven separate dorm buildings?? This school was pissing Spider off. 

“Let’s chase after him!!” Grim exclaimed, already running out the door.

“I thought you said you were exhausted!!” Spider tried to get Grim to slow down, but to no avail. The damn cat was running back the way they came, did he even know where the eastern building was??

He rounded a corner and was somehow out of Spider’s line of vision. Shit, shit, shit, he’s in even more trouble if he loses that fucker! He didn’t care how uncomfortable these damn school shoes were, he started running down the halls towards that dumb little cat, and by God he-

Suddenly his feet flew out from under him, and he fell backwards onto his ass, catching himself before his head hit the marble floor.

Who the fuck left a goddamn banana peel on the ground??!!