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Chapter Text

Tony Stark had many talents: engineering, charisma, irresponsible genius… and knowing exactly what the internet wanted before the internet even knew it.

Currently, what it wanted was Avengers content.

“FRIDAY,” he said, fingers steepled like a Bond villain, “pull up the surveillance footage from the common areas — keyword: ‘funny,’ sub-keyword: ‘humiliating.’”

“Sir,” FRIDAY responded patiently, “you do not have explicit permission to record the team during their personal time.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t remember signing a contract when Steve made me eat his weird 1940s casserole surprise,” Tony said, already sipping a smoothie that was mostly vodka. “This is a public service. The people deserve to know.”

Holograms blinked to life across the lab. First, a clip of Steve in gym shorts doing early-morning stretches… and walking directly into a glass wall he thought was open.

Tony let out a wheeze.

“Enhance that. Slow motion. Add some Chariots of Fire music.”

Next: Thor earnestly inserting Pop-Tarts into a toaster — sideways. The appliance sparked violently before letting out a sad puff of smoke.

Then: Clint crawling through a vent, trying to scare Sam, only to sneeze violently mid-drop and land in an overturned laundry basket.

“Tony,” FRIDAY interjected, “there is also footage of you singing Britney Spears in the shower—”

“Delete that. Forever. Burn the backup drive. Anyway, let’s make some art.”

He stitched the clips together, added overly dramatic reaction music, subtitles, zoom-ins, and meme text. Final title:

“A Day in the Life of the Avengers: Chaos, Tragedy, and Gym Shorts”

He posted it on YouTube. Then sat back and waited.

It didn’t take long.

—

Twelve Hours Later

The video had hit 45 million views.

The comments section was a warzone of fan thirst, memes, and complete emotional collapse.

• “Steve Rogers saying ‘good morning’ is now my ringtone.”
• “Natasha catching a knife mid-air while yawning? I’m in love.”
• “Thor thinking the toaster is a magic relic is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”
• “BRUCE BANNER STRESS-WATERING HIS PLANTS IN A PANDA ROBE??? ICON.”
• “Someone please put Steve in slow motion set to Earned It. For science.”

Tony leaned back, hands behind his head, beaming. “I give the people what they crave.”

—

The next morning was… tense.

The Avengers assembled for breakfast in varying degrees of sleepiness and suspicion. Clint looked like he’d crawled out of a supply closet. Natasha was glaring at her phone. Bruce was already stress-eating toast.

Steve sat down with his usual bowl of oatmeal and dignity.

Then Sam walked in, phone raised, laughing hysterically. “Cap, bro. You seen this yet?”

Steve blinked. “Seen what?”

Sam flipped his screen toward him.

There it was: a slow-motion montage of Steve training, dripping with sweat, his T-shirt clinging in just the right way. Intercut with him helping Thor fix the TV and awkwardly smiling when Clint handed him a kitten someone had brought home from a rescue mission.

Set to Careless Whisper.

“What the hell is a thirst trap edit?” Steve asked, brows furrowing.

Natasha didn’t look up. “It means the internet wants to climb you like a jungle gym.”

Steve nearly choked on his oatmeal. “What?!”

“Oh yeah,” Sam said, scrolling through the comments. “They call you ‘Daddy America’ now. And ‘CapThighs.’ Also… ‘The Star-Spangled Banger.’”

Tony walked in just then, carrying a mug that said Genius At Work, completely unfazed by the glares aimed in his direction.

“Morning, everyone! Sleep well? You’re all internet famous, by the way. You’re welcome.”

Natasha set her mug down with ominous calm. “You posted surveillance footage of us?”

Tony blinked. “Technically, it was curated for maximum hilarity. With music.”

“You filmed me doing yoga,” Bucky growled. “That was my me-time.”

“You’re trending,” Tony said brightly. “#BroodyWithABooty. The internet loves you.”

Bucky stared at him in horror. “…What.”

“Also,” Clint added with a mouthful of eggs, “Thor and I are like… the prank gods now. Did you see the one where I replaced all of his shampoo with glitter paint?”

“I saw it,” Thor said with pride. “I still sparkle in sunlight. The mortals adore me.”

Bruce peeked over his phone, shyly. “I’m… apparently ‘smol and precious.’ There are GIFs of me blushing. They’ve turned me into a Tumblr tag.”

Natasha pointed her spoon at Tony. “You’ve started something you can’t control.”

Tony smirked. “Isn’t that what makes it fun?”

—

Steve Rogers sat on the couch with a grim sense of purpose. His laptop sat open in front of him, glowing ominously. Sam had just introduced him to Google. That had been mistake number one.

Now he was reading fanfiction.

“I don’t understand,” he muttered. “Why would someone write a 20,000-word story about me and—Bucky—trapped in a cabin during a snowstorm… with only one bed?”

Bucky, leaning on the kitchen counter behind him, choked on his coffee.

“I—what?”

“They called it ‘Operation: Heartthrob,’” Steve said, squinting. “We… made hot cocoa and then… this part is redacted. It says ‘NSFW.’ What’s that mean?”

“NOT SAFE FOR YOUR INNOCENT EYES, THAT’S WHAT,” Sam shouted from across the room.

Tony sauntered in at that exact moment, grinning like the devil himself. “Ah yes. The forbidden fanfiction arc. This is my favorite part of fame. Wait till you find out how many people have written slow-burn romance sagas about you two.”

Steve looked horrified. “There’s more than one?”

“Oh buddy,” Sam said, snorting. “There are hundreds. Maybe thousands.”

Bucky grabbed Steve’s laptop. “Okay, nope. You’re not ready for this. Let’s start slow. I’ll read you some thirst tweets instead.”

“Please don’t.”

“Too late.”

Bucky scrolled for five seconds and immediately read out loud:

“@RogersTilIDie: Captain America could punch me in the face and I’d say ‘thank you, sir.’”

Steve blinked.

“Another one,” Bucky continued, clearly enjoying this too much:

“@WinterBabySimp: Steve Rogers’ arms look like they were sculpted by angels high on creatine. I’d sell my soul to see him tie his hair up in a man bun.”

Steve just stared blankly. “What’s creatine?”

Tony patted his shoulder. “It doesn’t matter, Cap. What matters is, you’re internet royalty now. Your biceps have their own Instagram fan account. Verified.”

—

Meanwhile, in the hallway…

Thor and Clint crouched behind a corner with a glitter cannon and a plate of spaghetti.

“Are you sure this is the best revenge on Stark?” Clint whispered.

“Of course,” Thor said confidently. “The Midgardian internet speaks often of ‘glitter bombs’ and ‘rage spaghetti.’ They are the height of vengeance.”

“…Okay. On three.”

“Wait!” Thor paused. “Should we record it for the YouTube channel?”

Clint pulled out his phone. “Already rolling.”

—

Back in the kitchen, Bruce walked in holding a tea cup that said Don’t Make Me Unstable. “Someone tagged me in a video called ‘Bruce Banner being socially anxious for 5 minutes straight.’ It has 10 million views.”

“I saw that,” Natasha said. “You knocked over a lamp, apologized to it, and then whispered ‘oh god’ to yourself.”

Bruce sighed. “People are commenting things like ‘me’ and ‘protect him at all costs.’ I’ve become a… relatable meme.”

Nat smirked. “Could be worse. At least no one’s filming you doing push-ups shirtless.”

Bruce stared at her. “That’s a thing?!”

„Oh yes,” Tony called out from the living room. “I edited that one of Cap myself. It’s set to Pony by Ginuwine. You’re welcome.”

—

Tony opens the door to his lab, steps through… and is immediately pelted with a full plate of cold spaghetti and doused in glitter.

“WHAT THE HELL—”

Thor and Clint leap out from behind a couch, screaming, “REVENGE!”

Tony sputters, blinking glitter out of his eyes, marinara dripping from his shirt. “This is an Armani suit!”

Clint grinned, high-fiving Thor. “Now you’re sparkly and saucy.”

Tony looked into the security camera. “FRIDAY, remind me to delete their access to the kitchen and the utility closets.”

“Sir, that would violate Team Agreement Clause 7b: ‘No retaliating against glitter-based vengeance.’”

“…Damn it, Steve and his morality clauses.”

Chapter Text

Steve Rogers was a man of action. He had faced alien invasions, rogue robots, and the Winter Soldier’s dramatic hair flips without flinching. But nothing — nothing — had prepared him for fame in the age of the internet.

Which is how he ended up sitting stiffly in front of Tony’s camera setup, lit like a hostage video.

“I just…” he started, adjusting his perfectly creased Henley shirt for the fifth time. “I want to clarify that I am not… intentionally attractive.”

Tony, behind the camera, burst out laughing. “You sound like you just apologized for being born.”

“I just don’t think people should be making these… montages of me getting into cars and calling them ‘spiritual experiences.’”

Sam leaned into frame holding a sign that said CANCELLED FOR BEING HOT.

Steve sighed. “Can we just—can we start the video, please?”

Tony clapped. “Rolling.”

—

Video Title: Captain America Speaks Out: “Please Stop Simping”

Steve blinked into the lens like a deer caught in a very high-resolution headlight. He cleared his throat.

“Hi. I’m Steve Rogers. Some of you may know me as Captain America, but I just want to say… I’m a regular guy. I pay taxes. I shovel the walk. I don’t know what a thirst trap is.”

cut to: slow-motion clip of Steve lifting a couch one-handed while chewing gum, set to seductive jazz music

“I wear turtlenecks because I’m cold,” Steve continued, looking personally betrayed. “Not because I’m trying to ‘murder you with sweater kink.’ That’s not a thing!”

cut to: fan comment reading “he looks like a husband who kills for you and then brings you soup.”

—

Meanwhile… in the kitchen…

Thor wore a pink frilly apron that said God of Yumder. His long blond hair was pulled back in a messy bun, and his biceps flexed as he slammed a cleaver into a carrot.

“Greetings, Midgardians!” he boomed into his phone. “Today we make POP-TART CASSEROLE — a dish fit for warriors and children alike!”

Bruce walked by, stared into the pan. “That’s… Pop-Tarts… melted cheese… gummy bears… and bacon?”

“Yes!” Thor said proudly. “With a glaze of cherry soda. It explodes in the mouth!”

Bruce blinked. “I think it will explode.”

Clint walked by behind him holding a fire extinguisher like it was just another day.

—

Back in the lounge…

Steve walked into the room cautiously.

It was empty.

“Guys?” he called. “Tony? I finished the video.”

Suddenly, a net dropped from the ceiling.

“What the—?!”

Steve hit the floor with a grunt. Before he could escape, Bucky and Natasha appeared, each holding duct tape and grins like wolves.

“Operation: Tie Cap Down,” Bucky said solemnly.

“Approved by Sam. Executed by us,” Natasha added.

Ten minutes later, Steve was duct-taped to a chair in front of the big TV. His ankles were zip-tied. His arms crossed tightly.

“I hate this,” he said.

Tony hit play.

—

Video Title: “Steve Rogers Reacts to Thirst Tweets and Edits”

Tweet: “Steve Rogers could step on me and I’d whisper ‘thank you, sir, may I have another?’”

Steve: “…That’s illegal in some states.”

Edit: slow-motion montage of Steve wiping sweat from his brow while training, lip biting, set to Beyoncé’s “Partition”

Steve: “That’s just me working out! That’s not sexy!”

Tweet: “If Steve Rogers asked me to do taxes with him, I would make it into foreplay.”

Steve: “You people need help.”

Edit: loop of Steve saying “language” with increasingly flirtatious zoom-ins, ending with him blushing at Bucky

Steve: “Turn it off. Turn it off. I’m calling SHIELD.”

Tweet: “I want to be the spoon Steve uses to eat yogurt.”

Steve: “I don’t even like yogurt!!”

—

Bucky was crying with laughter. “You’re trending again, pal.”

Steve groaned, slumping in the chair. “For what?”

Sam showed him his phone. “#SteveRogersReactingToThirstTweets is the top meme of the week. You’re making people fall harder.”

Steve covered his face. “I was frozen for seventy years and this is what I wake up to.”

Tony patted his head. “You’re doing great, sweetheart.”

Chapter Text

The compound was quiet.

Too quiet.

Which is how Steve found himself in the media room, bathed in the cold glow of the screen, alone — unless you counted the silent judgment of FRIDAY’s omnipresent cameras.

He had… questions. And maybe a little curiosity.

Because sure, people were obsessed with him — but Steve had started noticing something else in the comments.

Bucky. Lots of Bucky.

So he typed it in:

“Bucky Barnes thirst edit”

Big mistake.

—

Video 1:

Slow-motion footage of Bucky stepping off a motorcycle, wind in his hair, metal arm glinting in the sun. A bass-heavy remix of “Toxic” played in the background.

Caption: “He’s not the Winter Soldier. He’s my Summer Daddy.”

Steve: visibly blushing “…Oh my god.”

Video 2:

A compilation of Bucky rolling up his sleeves, biting his lip, and glaring into the camera. One clip slowed down to show him cleaning his knife.

Music: “Earned It” by The Weeknd.

Caption: “He can assassinate me any time.”

Steve (whispers): “This should be illegal.”

Video 3:

It was just Bucky smirking. For 43 seconds.

The like count was in the millions.

Comment: “This video cured my depression, then gave me a different, hornier one.”

“Okay,” Steve said, grabbing the remote. “That’s enough.”

“Hey FRIDAY,” Tony’s voice came through the speaker. “Can we get a feed of Cap’s screen?”

“NO!” Steve yelled.

“Too late. Already uploading to the private channel.”

Steve turned red all the way to his ears.

From across the compound, a ding sounded. Sam opened his phone, looked at the thumbnail labeled “Steve Rogers Watches Bucky Barnes Thirst Traps – LIVE REACTION 😳” and cackled loud enough to wake Bruce.

—

Thor’s Cooking Show – ThunderKitchen Ep. 3

“Today,” Thor boomed, “I am joined by my deadliest friends — Natasha Romanoff and James Buchanan Barnes!”

Nat stood with a knife already twirling in her hand. Bucky just stared at the camera like it had insulted his dog.

“We are making Murder Nachos!” Thor declared.

“That’s not what we agreed on,” Nat said flatly.

“You promised to let me use jalapeños,” Bucky muttered.

“You may,” Thor said grandly, “so long as you wield them with honor.”

Bruce, offscreen, whispered to Clint, “Why is he treating the nachos like they’re Mjölnir?”

Clint shrugged. “Just enjoy the show, man.”

—

ThunderKitchen Chaos Montage:

• Natasha slices onions at lightning speed while maintaining full eye contact with the camera.
• Bucky slaps shredded cheese down like he’s interrogating it.
• Thor accidentally sets the cutting board on fire. Again.
• At one point, Nat pulls out a throwing knife to slice a lime. The comment section later calls it “the sexiest citrus murder in history.”
• Bucky taste-tests salsa by dabbing it on his thumb and licking it slowly. The fanbase loses its mind.

“ThunderKitchen Ep. 3” hits 25 million views in a day.

Top comment: “I don’t even eat nachos, but I’d eat Bucky Barnes if he told me to.”

Steve sees the comment later and has to go outside for some “air.”

—

At Stark Industries, in a meeting room:

Tony paced in front of a whiteboard that said “Branding But Make It Horny™.”

“Okay people. New merch drop. Let’s make it weird.”

Rhodey, seated with arms crossed: “Tony. No.”

Tony pointed to the board.

• “Daddy America” mugs
• “Thunder Thighs” Thor aprons
• “Stab Me Mommy” Nat hoodies
• “Metal Arm, Metal Heart” Bucky plushies
• “Bruce Banner: Soft Bean” slippers
• Sam Wilson Hot Sauce™ (The Falcon Burn)
• A body pillow that says “I survived Steve Rogers’ Thirst Trap and All I Got Was This Pillow”

„Tony. No,” Rhodey repeated, louder.

Too late.

—

The Compound Lounge

Boxes arrived the next day. Dozens. Hundreds.

Sam opened one. “This hoodie says ‘I’d Let Cap Peg Me.’ WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!”

Bruce held up a mug that said “Smash Me, Daddy” and immediately dropped it.

Thor wore an apron that said “God of Thunder, God of Buns.” He was delighted.

Steve looked at the chaos, the boxes, the already-viral unboxing videos on TikTok — and slowly, very slowly, turned back to Bucky.

“Remember the 1940s?” he said quietly. “When the scariest thing we had to worry about was Nazis?”

Bucky nodded. “Take me back.”

Chapter Text

Steve entered the kitchen at 7:30 AM sharp, like always — in a navy t-shirt, track pants, and the thousand-yard stare of a man whose YouTube recommendations were now entirely Bucky Barnes edits.

“Morning,” Bucky said, leaning against the fridge with arms crossed.

Steve froze.

There was something… knowing… in Bucky’s voice.

“Hey,” Steve said, too casually. He reached for the coffee pot.

“You like my metal arm, huh?” Bucky added.

Steve’s hand jerked and sloshed hot coffee down his sleeve. “W-what?”

Bucky smirked. “Or is it the motorcycle shots? Or that one where I’m holding a knife and licking my lip?”

Steve coughed violently.

“FRIDAY ratted you out.”

“I swear I only watched like… three. Maybe four.”

“There’s a playlist.”

“I panicked, okay?!”

Bucky stepped closer, and Steve’s brain short-circuited because wow, he really did look like those edits. And now he was smirking on purpose.

Next time you’re curious,” Bucky said, lowering his voice, “maybe just ask.”

Steve opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish.

Then Bucky winked and walked away, leaving Steve short-circuiting in the kitchen, coffee dripping down his arm, and FRIDAY softly whispering,

“Would you like to replay that interaction? Loop enabled.”

—

Tony had a lot of expensive gear in the training room. Cameras. Mics. Acoustic panels. A “just for fun” voice modulator labeled ‘VILLAIN MODE’.

So naturally, Natasha co-opted all of it.

She sat cross-legged on a yoga mat in all black, sipping a matcha latte and recording into the mic like she was reading bedtime stories to professional killers.

“Welcome to Hot Girl Survival. I’m Natasha Romanoff. This week’s episode is: ‘You’re Not Cold. You’re Emotionally Unavailable.’”

Bruce, who was listening to it on his phone, was looking… slightly afraid.

“Today’s tip: Never apologize for having a knife in your boot. If he’s intimidated, he’s not the one.”

Clint subscribed immediately. Sam said he felt personally attacked. Steve didn’t understand it, but he downloaded every episode anyway.

—

“Okay team,” Tony said, striding into the room holding a bright green envelope. “Bad news. We’ve been invited to the Kids’ Choice Awards.”

Sam blinked. “That’s the bad news?”

Tony tossed the invite dramatically onto the table. “Have you seen what they do to people there? The slime? The audience full of screaming children? It’s like a sugar-fueled gladiator pit.”

Steve perked up. “We should go. Be good role models.”

Bucky groaned. “This is how I die.”

“I love children,” Thor declared. “They are loud and sticky and full of courage.”

Bruce sighed. “This is going to end badly, isn’t it?”

Spoiler: It did.

—

At the Kid‘s Choice Awards:

• Steve arrived in a crisp navy suit and got mobbed by kids chanting “CAPTAIN AMERICA! CAPTAIN AMERICA!”
• One of them asked if he and Bucky were “like, boyfriends or just besties.”
  Steve’s soul left his body.
• Bucky showed up in black jeans and a leather jacket and was promptly crowned “Coolest Sad Boy.”
• He told one 11-year-old, “Stay in school. Also, never trust a man who doesn’t blink.”
• Natasha wore sunglasses indoors, a blood-red dress, and responded to every question with: “That’s classified.” The kids loved her.
• Thor brought a hammer-shaped cotton candy. He cried tears of joy. He also signed someone’s forehead.
• Tony wore a suit that glowed. One of the kids asked if he was a Fortnite skin. Tony replied, “I am the Fortnite skin.”
• Bruce tried to blend into the background. He failed. A child hugged him and called him “Squishy Hulk Daddy.

—

The Avengers were seated in the front row.

Which was a mistake.

Big, neon cannons aimed at the crowd.

Tony leaned over to Steve. “This is like NOM but fruity.”

Then the host yelled,

“AND THE WINNER OF FAVORITE HERO TEAM IS… THE AVENGERS!”

The crowd screamed. Bucky immediately tensed. “No.”

The slime cannons fired.

Screaming. Everywhere.

Steve tried to shield Bucky with his body. Thor laughed like a god bathed in victory. Natasha didn’t even flinch. Sam ran full-speed from the splash zone.

Tony took a selfie mid-sliming and captioned it:

green is the new black 💅

—

Post-Awards Debrief

Back at the compound, still slightly sticky:

Sam: “I smell like Skittles and fear.”

Bruce: “One kid bit me. On the leg.”

Steve: “That slime will never come out of my suit.”

Tony: “Marketing idea. Avengers Slime Shampoo.”

Bucky: still dripping “I’m going to set the Nickelodeon building on fire.”

Chapter Text

It started—like most bad ideas do—with Tony, a camera, and too much free time.

“Picture this,” he said, standing on the compound coffee table while everyone else tried to enjoy breakfast. “A fake dating game show. Avengers Edition. One bachelor. Three mystery contestants. One big reveal.”

Bucky didn’t even look up from his cereal. “No.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Who’s the poor idiot we’re setting up?”

Tony grinned. “Oh, Steve, obviously.”

Steve, mid-chew, choked on his toast. “Wait, what?”

„You’ve been the internet’s favorite repressed heartthrob for months. It’s time to give the people what they want: a chance to watch you suffer romantically on camera.”

Bruce looked skeptical. “Isn’t that, I don’t know, unethical?”

Tony threw a hand out. “Bruce, please. It’s fake. It’s content.”

Thor pounded the table. “I love this plan!”

Steve sighed. He had a bad feeling in his chest. The kind he usually got before battle. Or being slimed.

—

The fake game show was called “The Star-Spangled Heart”, and it had all the class of a B-list reality show on basic cable.

The set: a hastily assembled curtain, glitter lights, and a suspiciously heart-shaped chair that Clint may or may not have stolen from a mall.

Steve sat on one side of the curtain, nerves showing.

“Contestant Number One,” he said, reading the cards Tony gave him, “If we were going on a date, where would you take me?”

Contestant One (in a voice modulator): “Out. Then I’d ghost you. For the thrill.”

Steve blinked. “…Okay.”

Contestant Two: “I’d cook you dinner. Steak, potatoes, asparagus. Then I’d destroy you in Mario Kart and kiss you on the mouth.”

Steve’s ears turned pink.

Contestant Three: “I wouldn’t take you on a date. I’d make you come to me. Shirtless. And then I’d tell you how long I’ve been in love with you.”

Steve sputtered. “What the hell kind of answers are these?!”

Tony beamed behind the camera. “Authentic ones.”

When the curtain finally lifted, the contestants were:

1. Natasha (wearing sunglasses and chewing gum)
2. Sam (already posting to Instagram)
3. Bucky (smirking like he knew he won)

Steve stared. “This was rigged.”

Bucky leaned in, stage whispering: “You coming shirtless or what?”

Steve’s soul momentarily exited his body.

The video hit 15 million views in 24 hours.

—

Thor, delighted by the success of ThunderKitchen, launched a second channel.

Its name: “Thunder Reads Fanfiction.”

His first episode: dramatic readings of “Stucky” fanfics in full Shakespearean cadence.

“Lo, Captain Rogers gazed upon the brooding assassin with yearning most foul…”

Cut to Steve walking into the room mid-reading and hearing:

“…and then Bucky whispered, ‘I’ve been a bad soldier. Punish me.’”

Steve backed out of the room immediately.

Bucky, who was watching behind the couch, laughed so hard he fell off.

Episode Two featured Thor reading Bucky x Reader fics, but he changed all mentions of “Y/N” to “Me, Thor Odinson” and declared every smut scene to be canon.

Clint now watched them religiously. Bruce deleted his browser history in solidarity.

—

Finally, Steve gave in.

“FRIDAY,” he said, arms crossed, “Set up the camera. We’re doing this.”

He sat in front of the lens like it was a battlefield. A bowl of popcorn in front of him. A bottle of water. A deeply buried sense of dignity.

“Hi. I’m Steve Rogers. Apparently people like to make… edits… of my best friend.”

Video 1: Bucky shirtless in the gym, slo-mo, the song “Pony” playing.

Steve blinked. “He was glowing. Did you see that lighting?!”

Video 2: Bucky in combat, hair flying, sweat glistening.

Caption: ‘assassin me, daddy’

Steve choked on his water.

Video 3: Bucky staring at Steve. Looping. Zooming. Soft piano music.

Steve: “Okay that one’s… actually… kind of beautiful.”

FRIDAY cut to a side camera. Steve was smiling.

By the end, Steve had gone from horrified to quietly impressed to visibly flustered.

“Okay. I get it now. He’s… um. Yeah. He’s something.”

Tony uploaded it with the title:

“Steve Rogers Simping For Bucky For 12 Minutes Straight | REACTION VIDEO”

The internet imploded.

—

It started with Sam casually knocking on Steve’s door.

“You busy?”

Steve glanced up from where he was journaling in his old spiral notebook, pencil paused mid-thought. “…Not really.”

“Cool. Bucky’s downstairs. You’re both coming on a livestream with me. Right now. No time to argue.”

Steve blinked. “A what now?”

But Sam was already dragging him by the arm.

—

The set-up: Sam’s gaming chair, Bucky slouched beside him, and Steve looking like he’d just wandered into a battlefield without a shield.

The livestream title:

“Live Q&A with Sam, Steve, and the Brooding One (Yes, He’s Real)”

Over 100,000 people joined within the first three minutes.

First question: “Is Bucky single?”

Bucky looked at the camera deadpan. “No.”

Steve choked.

Sam grinned. “That’s news to me.”

Second question: “Who’s the little spoon?”

Steve: “What does that mean?”

Bucky: “Next question.”

Third question: “Can Steve say ‘Bucky’ in his soft voice again?”

Steve: “My what?”

Bucky (smirking): “Just say my name, punk.”

Steve muttered, “Bucky,” and the chat exploded.

“HE SAID IT HE SAID IT OH MY GOD”

“PUT THIS MAN IN A MUSEUM”

Question Four: “If the three of you were in a love triangle, who would win?”

Steve looked panicked. Sam looked smug. Bucky leaned into the mic and whispered, “Me.”

Sam ended the stream before the fandom combusted.

—

“Welcome back to Hot Girl Survival,” Natasha purred into the mic. “Today’s guest is the most repressed man alive. Say hello, Steve.”

Steve sat stiffly, arms folded. “Hi.”

“Let’s talk about feelings.”

“I’d rather not.”

Natasha smirked. “What’s your greatest fear?”

Steve blinked. “Uh. Letting people down?”

“Wrong. It’s eye contact. And emotional intimacy.”

Steve flushed.

“Let’s talk about Bucky.”

Steve looked toward the door. “Can I leave?”

“Nope. You’re locked in.”

What followed was 30 minutes of psychological warfare with Steve slowly unraveling, admitting he once wrote Bucky a poem in the ‘40s and burned it out of shame.

The episode went viral under the title:

“Captain America Has A Heart And It’s SHAPED LIKE BUCKY”

—

When the Met Gala invitation arrived, everyone assumed they’d politely decline.

Tony, however, had other plans.

“Absolutely not,” he said. “We’re going. And you’re wearing what I tell you to wear.”

And so, the Avengers walked the carpet like gods descending from Mount Extra.

Tony: metallic chrome suit, LED-lined, sparkled with moving circuitry. He called it “cyberpunk Armani.”

Natasha: blood-red silk gown with black gloves and a hidden thigh holster. She stunned the fashion world. She also smuggled in a blade.

Thor: gold breastplate reworked into high fashion. No shirt underneath. Eyeliner. A cape made of thunderstorm-print silk. People wept.

Sam: sharp tux with feathered shoulders to mimic his wings. He looked like royalty.

Bruce: simple dark green suit, shy smile, quietly everyone’s favorite.

Clint: no one remembers what Clint wore. Including Clint.

Bucky: full black-on-black velvet suit, silver trim, no tie. Hair slicked back. Looked like a tragic vampire boyfriend. Internet froze.

Steve: Tony had him in custom navy-blue tailored formalwear with star detailing across the chest. Subtle, sleek, devastating. Hair perfectly styled. Blue eyes weaponized.

When Steve and Bucky posed side-by-side, every flashbulb in New York fired at once.

The next morning, Vogue posted:

“Stucky: America’s Real Power Couple?”

Chapter Text

It started — as most disasters did — with Tony Stark barging into Steve’s room uninvited.

“Hey, Star-Spangled Snack. Got a minute?”

Steve looked up from tying his boots. “Not if you call me that again.”

“Too late.” Tony tossed a tablet at him. “Guess who got scouted for a Calvin Klein campaign.”

Steve blinked. “Me?”

“You,” Tony said, grinning like the devil. “Apparently the underwear gods want to bless humanity. I’d protest on principle, but I believe in serving the greater good.”

Steve stared at the email. “This can’t be real.”

“It’s real,” Tony said. “And I already said yes on your behalf.”

—

Two weeks later, the ad aired during a primetime NBA game.

🎵 Slow, sensual music.

Steve Rogers. Shirtless. Leaning against a white wall in a pair of Calvin Klein boxer briefs, muscles lit like Greek marble. Hair ruffled, lips parted, eyes deep blue and soulful.

Voice-over: “Strength. Honor. Legacy. Steve Rogers wears Calvin.”

Final shot: Steve looking dead into the camera and smirking just a little.

The screen turned black and the internet died.

—

Reactions at the Compound:

Natasha dropped her fork. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Bruce, mid-tea-sip, coughed for ten seconds straight.

Sam paused the video. “Rewind that. No, further. Okay—pause. Now zoom in.”

Thor clapped once. “That’s my brother-in-arms! The Midgardian thirst trap!”

Clint, dazed: “He really is America’s ass.”

Tony, arms wide: “You’re welcome, world.”

But Bucky?

Bucky watched the whole thing in silence. Eyes dark. Jaw tight.

Later that night, Steve found him alone in the gym, repeatedly punching a heavy bag like it owed him money.

“Bucky?”

Bucky didn’t turn around. “You’re gonna cause an international crisis.”

Steve shifted awkwardly. “I didn’t even wanna do it.”

Bucky finally looked at him. “You smirked. You knew exactly what you were doing.”

Steve flushed.

Bucky stepped closer, low voice brushing Steve’s ear. “You looked good. Too good.”

And then he walked out, leaving Steve standing there like his brain had stopped functioning.

—

Natasha had gathered the entire team in the living room for a special live-recorded podcast episode.

“I want pain,” she said. “We’re playing Never Have I Ever. No lying. Or I’ll know.”

Each person had a drink in hand. (Steve had sparkling water. Sam had spiked his. Tony had… something unlabelled.)

Natasha leaned toward the mic. “Never have I ever… kissed a teammate.”

Everyone froze.

Bucky raised an eyebrow and sipped without hesitation.

Tony dramatically took a swig.

Sam hesitated. “Define teammate.”

Clint drank, muttering something about Prague and a mission gone weird.

And then — Natasha drank.

Everyone turned to her.

Tony: “Wait, what?! Who did you kiss?”

Natasha smirked. “Classified.”

Steve, flustered, looked anywhere but at her. His grip on the glass tightened. Slowly, almost reluctantly… he drank too.

The room exploded.

Sam: “STEVE???”

Tony: “WHO???”

Bruce just blinked, stunned.

Natasha sat back, smug.

Steve muttered, “It was years ago. One kiss. During a mission. It meant—”

“It meant the mission went off flawlessly,” Natasha interrupted, calm as ever. “And it was excellent.”

Steve flushed to the tips of his ears.

Bucky, who had been watching Steve very closely, finally leaned back and took another long sip of his drink.

The chat lost its collective mind:

“STEVE AND NAT??? WHAT”

“Bucky’s jaw is TENSE y’all”

“I fear we have entered the love triangle arc”

“Steve Rogers is not innocent and I feel lied to”

—

The next morning, Tony burst into the kitchen waving a tablet.

“We got nominated.”

Steve, still trying to recover from Podcast Night: “For what?”

Tony beamed. “Best Ensemble Cast in a Reality-Based Series.”

Steve stared. “This isn’t a reality show.”

Sam: “It kinda is.”

Clint: “We filmed Thor doing yoga with a goat yesterday.”

Bruce: “I’m still not over the mukbang livestream.”

Thor: “I have fans. They send me fruit baskets.”

Steve sighed into his cereal.

—

Steve and Bucky went out for dinner.

Not a date, per se. But they didn’t invite anyone else, and Bucky wore cologne, and Steve spent longer than usual fixing his hair, so. Interpret as you will.

The restaurant was cozy, candlelit. They ordered pasta. Talked about everything and nothing. Laughed, even. Steve felt lighter than he had in months.

Then—flashbulbs.

Paparazzi swarmed outside the windows.

“Steve! Bucky! Is this a date?!”

“Bucky, comment on the Calvin Klein ad!”

“Steve, are you in love?!”

Steve looked panicked.

Bucky leaned in, grabbed Steve’s hand across the table, and turned to the cameras with a glare so cold, three photographers backed into a bush.

They left through the kitchen.

—

Trending on every platform the next day:

#StuckyDateNight

#BoyfriendsOfBrooklyn

#SteveTouchedBucky’sHand

#CalvinKleinRogers

Natasha slid a coffee across the counter toward Steve the next morning.

“Congratulations,” she said. “You’re officially hotter than me now.”

Steve groaned. “Make it stop.”

Bucky, behind him, dropped a kiss on Steve’s temple.

Steve forgot how to breathe.

—

The Avengers arrived at the award show like a storm front in designer clothing.

Tony had chosen all the outfits.

Steve: black velvet tux, no tie, sleeves slightly rolled. Looked like a mafia prince.

Bucky: black-on-black suit, hair half-tied back, rings. Looked like trouble.

Natasha: scarlet gown with combat boots. Icon.

Sam: royal blue suit with gold trim. Made three people faint in the lobby.

Thor: shirtless under a gold blazer. Already drunk.

Clint: wore sunglasses indoors. “I’m famous now.”

Bruce: brought a notebook and tried to act like none of this was happening.

They were seated in the front row. Bad idea.

Host: “Next up — Best Ensemble in a Reality Series!”

Drumroll.

“And the winner is… The Avengers!”

Cue cheering. Screaming. Sam dabbing. Natasha not even pretending to be surprised. Steve looking like he’d rather die. Bucky grinning like a wolf.

They took the stage.

Tony grabbed the mic first. “We’d like to thank absolutely no one. This is all us.”

Sam: “And shoutout to our fans. Even the ones who make weird fan edits of me eating wings.”

Thor: “FOR MIDGARD!”

Steve was two seconds from fleeing.

And then—Thor ripped off his blazer.

“Oh no,” Bruce whispered.

“Hit the music!” Thor yelled.

The beat dropped.

It was Ginuwine’s “Pony.”

Thor started body rolling. On stage. At the Reality Awards. In front of children.

—

The team backstage:

Steve: “You did a striptease in front of actual minors.”

Thor, still shirtless and glittering with sweat: “They must learn to respect the art of war.”

Natasha: “That wasn’t war, that was Magic Mike Asgard Edition.”

Sam: “I hate how hot it was.”

—

The next day, Thor held a livestream event with dramatic lighting, a leather armchair, and an actual goblet of wine.

Title: “Thunder Reads Fanfiction” — Volume I

He opened with a deep, commanding voice:

“Chapter One: The Winter Soldier’s Forbidden Desire.”

It only got worse from there.

He did voices.

He did sound effects.

He wept.

Somewhere, in another room, Bucky shouted, “I NEVER SAID THAT ABOUT STEVE’S HANDS.”

Steve was on the floor in the fetal position.

Natasha filmed the whole thing.

—

Later that night, Natasha posted a surprise mini-episode of her podcast.

It was titled:

“Steve Rogers: Uncensored 🍷”

A few seconds in, it was very clear Steve was not sober in the footage.

Camera: shaky.

Steve: flushed, hoodie half-zipped, curled up on Nat’s couch holding a glass of wine like it owed him money.

Steve: “Listen… I’m just sayin’… Bucky has the best hair on the team. It’s like… magic.”

Natasha (off-screen): “Better than Thor’s?”

Steve: whispers “I wanna touch it.”

Steve (later): “He smiled at me today. I forgot my name for like seven minutes.”

Steve (even later): “You think I should tell him? Like—like tell him tell him?”

Natasha: “I think you just did.”

The internet broke in half.

—

Somehow, Clint and Sam got their hands on Tony’s Audi R8.

They went live from the front seat, wearing sunglasses at night and eating fast food.

Stream Title:

“We Definitely Did Not Steal This Car (feat. Fries)”

Clint: “If Tony asks, we’re at Bible study.”

Sam: “If Tony asks, we’re in space.”

Chat: “IS THAT THE R8???”

Sam: “Shhh. He doesn’t know yet.”

Meanwhile, on Tony’s feed:

GPS Alert: Your R8 has left the premises.

Route: McDonald’s Drive-Thru

Tony kicked open a door somewhere in the compound.

“CLINTON FRANCIS BARTON-”

The stream ended abruptly.

—

Later that night, the team gathered around the living room TV, watching clips from the awards, Thor’s fanfiction reading, and Steve’s now-infamous wine confessions.

Tony walked in. “Anything I missed?”

Clint pointed at the screen. “Steve just said he wants to touch Bucky’s hair.”

Steve groaned and covered his face.

Bucky leaned in, voice soft, teasing: “You can. Anytime.”

Steve blinked at him.

And for once — just once — Steve didn’t freeze.

He smiled. “Okay.”

Chapter Text

Steve and Bucky were finally on their first real date.

A quiet rooftop restaurant. Soft lighting. No mission, no world-ending crisis, no cameras.

Except…

“Bzzt.”

Bucky paused mid-sentence. “Was that a bug?”

Steve squinted at the sky. “No. That—”

A small hovering object zipped past the string lights.

Bucky deadpanned. “Is that a drone?”

Steve: “TONY.”

Back at the tower, Tony sat with a bowl of popcorn and a 4-monitor setup labeled:

• “CAM A: Steve’s Face 🥹”
• “CAM B: Bucky’s Hands 😏”
• “CAM C: Overhead ‘Kiss View’”
• “CAM D: Emergency Zoom-In”

FRIDAY: “Would you like to engage Stealth Mode, sir?”

Tony: “Nope. I want them to know. Builds character.”

Back at the restaurant, Steve tried to subtly flip off the drone.

Bucky pulled him close and whispered in his ear, smirking. “If he’s gonna watch, we might as well give him a show.”

Steve nearly dropped his water glass.

The drone crashed into a string of fairy lights.

—

Sam and Clint’s new travel vlog — “Hot Wings & Highway Crimes” — had reached a new level.

This episode’s title:

“We Kidnap Doctor Strange (Not Clickbait)”

They had “accidentally” picked him up en route to a shawarma place in Jersey.

Sam (vlogging): “Say hi to the fans, Doc!”

Strange (arms crossed in the backseat): “I am a Master of the Mystic Arts. Not your Uber passenger.”

Clint (driving): “You’re not paying for gas, so pipe down.”

Cut to:

• Sam trying to put sunglasses on Strange mid-spell
• Clint blasting classic rock
• Strange nearly teleporting out of the moving car

Strange (dryly): “If I hear one more dad joke, I’m collapsing this entire dimension.”

Clint: “That’s a threat and a promise, baby.”

The episode ended with them getting lost, stranded, and accidentally opening a portal into Newark.

—

Thor stood dramatically in front of a firelit set.

Thunder Reads Fanfiction: Special Guest — Loki

Loki appeared in a black silk shirt, sipping wine, already annoyed.

Thor: “Brother, tonight we read a tale titled ‘Stolen Kisses in Stark Tower.’”

Loki (glancing at the script): “…This is filth.”

Thor: “It is art.”

They began reading.

Thor (narrating): “The soldier pressed Steve against the wall—

Loki: “Do humans truly pine this much?”

Thor: “Yes. Especially the one called Steve. His thirst is unmatched.”

Loki: “I once ruled Asgard. Now I’m doing… dramatic reenactments of American lust.”

Thor: “Welcome to content creation!”

Fan chat:

• “WHY IS THIS ACTUALLY AMAZING”
• “LOKI’S VOICE = ASMR”
• “THOR MADE HIM READ THE KISSING SCENE TWICE”

Somewhere in the tower, Steve put a pillow over his face and screamed.

—

Bucky was sitting on the floor. Camera rolling. Blank background. A simple white title card:

“Bucky Barnes Reacts to Thirst Tweets & Edits of Steve Rogers”

Bucky read the first tweet aloud.

Bucky: “If Steve Rogers held me like he holds that shield, I’d simply perish.”

He blinked.

“…Fair.”

Next one:

“Steve Rogers could bench press me emotionally and physically and I’d say thank you.”

“Honestly, me too.”

Then: a fan edit played.

Slow motion. Steve training shirtless. Music swelling. Zoom on his jawline. Then a cut to a clip of Steve helping a cat cross the street.

Bucky (hand over mouth): “I’m gonna kill someone.”

Cameraperson (Sam): “Jealous?”

Bucky: “I was fine until the cat scene.”

Finally, a tweet:

“Steve Rogers if you’re reading this, ruin my life respectfully.”

Bucky paused.

Grinned.

“He could. But he’s busy ruining mine.”

Steve (off-camera, flustered): “BUCKY.”

Bucky: “What? Just saying facts.”

—

That night, Tony posted the episode with the title:

“Bucky Gets Horny Mad at Steve Edits for 11 Minutes Straight”

It trended #1.

Steve didn’t leave his room for the rest of the day.

—

Natasha launched her new interview series:

“Red Room Heat: Hot Wings, Hot Takes”

Same concept as Hot Ones. But with former assassin vibes, actual lie detection tech, and guests who were definitely sweating for reasons beyond the hot sauce.

First guest: Taylor Swift.

Steve: “You got Taylor Swift?”

Nat: “Of course. I told her it involved spicy food and emotional trauma. She was in.”

The set was minimalist: red lights, concrete backdrop, interrogation chair, twelve bottles of death sauce.

Natasha: “Welcome, Taylor. Let’s talk heartbreak and habanero.”

Taylor (already mid-wing): “Let’s go.”

Questions escalated fast.

Nat: “Which ex inspired the most expensive therapy?

Taylor: “You’re evil. I love it.”

By wing seven, Taylor was crying and writing lyrics on a napkin.

Taylor: “Wait, this one’s actually good—‘you burned my lips but not my name.’”

Natasha: “I want co-writing credit.”

By the end:

• Taylor survived all twelve sauces
• Confessed she once had a crush on Steve Rogers
• Promised to return with a new single inspired by the interview

Sam (watching at home): “That was the hardest collab since Civil War.”

—

Operation: “Let’s Prank Loki”

Team: Sam (idea guy), Clint (execution guy), Thor (…muscle?)

The Plan: Replace all of Loki’s Asgardian skin care products with glitter lotion and temporary dye.

Clint snuck into Loki’s room. Sam set up hidden cameras. Thor… kept lookout by screaming “DISTRACTION!” every time a door opened.

Loki returned. Rubbed lotion into his skin.

What followed:

• Loki glowing neon green
• Sparkling like Edward Cullen in moonlight
• Walking into the common room and freezing everyone with a snap

Loki: “You think I wouldn’t notice my essence smells like a unicorn rave?”

Sam: “Technically, Clint poured the lotion.”

Clint: “I regret nothing.”

Thor: “You look radiant, brother.”

Loki: “I’m going to put a hex on your spleens.”

Sam: “We already signed release forms.”

Loki: “You fools have made an enemy of content.”

Later that day, the team received a mysterious link from Loki.

It led to a deepfake edit of Sam, Clint, and Thor lip-syncing to “Barbie Girl.” It looked horrifyingly real.

Tony’s comment: “I’m framing this.”

—

Later that evening, Tony sat in his lab scrolling through the latest clips from Sam & Clint’s travel vlog.

He clicked on a fan edit of Doctor Strange from their road trip.

Slow motion. Wind in Stephen’s hair. A dramatic remix of “Take Me to Church” playing over him casting a portal mid-argument.

Tony: “Okay… wow.”

Next one:

• Strange making eye contact with the camera.
• Cut to Tony reacting to it at a press conference, completely flustered.
• Caption: “He wants him fr.”

Tony (softly): “I do.”

Pepper (off-screen): “You’re down bad.”

Tony: “I’m respectfully admiring an extremely competent, powerful man who bends reality with his fingers and has great cheekbones.”

Pepper: “You’re simping.”

Tony: “I’m appreciating.”

Pepper: “You’re wearing one of his cape pins.”

Tony (defensive): “IT’S AESTHETICALLY PLEASING.”

Later that night, the group chat exploded.

Natasha:

[Screenshot of Tony liking a tweet that says

“Doctor Strange could portal me into therapy and I’d thank him.”]

Steve: “Tony.”

Bucky: “Tony.”

Sam: “Tony. You simp.”

Tony: “I support magical brilliance and cheekbones. Sue me.”

Thor: “This is the greatest love story since Jane and my hammer.”

Chapter Text

The moment Taylor Swift admitted her past crush on Steve during Natasha’s Red Room Heat episode, the internet went feral.

#STAYLOR trended within seven minutes.

Fan edits bloomed like an invasive species.

• Taylor in her Lover dress, spliced with Steve in his Endgame uniform.
• Dramatic quotes: “He could do this all day… and I’d write three albums about it.”

Even worse? People began writing fanfiction where Steve was the muse for “You Belong With Me.”

Tony, naturally, fanned the flames.

Tony (posting on X):

“Would attend this wedding. Just saying.”

Bucky: “I will remove your kneecaps.”

Steve tried to stay out of it — until he opened Instagram and saw a Staylor fancam with 400K likes.

Song: Enchanted.

Caption: “He’s the Captain of her heart.”

Steve just texted the group chat:

Steve: “Someone tell them I’m gay and socially incapable.”

Sam: “That won’t stop them.”

Bucky: “Release the shirtless punching bag video. Balance the algorithm.”

Natasha: „You would like that, wouldn’t you?“

—

The day finally came:

Stephen Strange. Twelve sauces. One assassin host.

He showed up in full robes.

Natasha: “You realize this is a hot sauce show, not a wedding.”

Strange: “This is my casualwear.”

By sauce five, Strange was sweating through time and space. By sauce seven, he briefly left his physical form. Sauce ten made him say something… questionable.

Natasha: “Biggest secret you’ve never told the team?”

Strange (mid-hiccup): “Once accidentally saw Tony shirtless and astral projected out of shame.”

Natasha: “You’re going to break the fandom.”

Final sauce.

Natasha: “Who’s hotter? Tony Stark or Loki?”

Strange (tears streaming): “…Are you trying to kill me?”

He chose Wong to escape the question.

The comment section imploded:

• “I KNEW HE HAD A TYPE”
• “Someone tell Tony his sorcerer simp is mutual”
• “Release the uncut version NOW”

—

Steve, in his civilian clothes, slipped quietly into a cozy Brooklyn bookstore. No cameras. No Avengers. Just paperbacks and peace.

He reached for a biography on Teddy Roosevelt.

Then he heard it:

“Is that—?”

“STEVE ROGERS?”

One person screamed. Then another.

He turned. Three fans. Then five. Then twenty.

Within three minutes, a swarm formed.

“Can you sign my book?”

“Do you and Bucky live together??”

“Have you read Red, White & Royal Blue? Because you and the prince—”

Steve panicked.

He gave a two-finger salute, tried to escape, and accidentally knocked over a shelf labeled “Romance Recommendations.”

A book landed in his hand. He looked down.

Title: Dating for Dummies

Steve: “You know what? That feels targeted.”

—

Clint, Sam, and Thor knew they had to make it right with Loki. So they launched a one-time cooking video called:

“We Shouldn’t Have Done That: Apology Edition”

Opening shot:

Clint (holding a whisk): “Welcome. Today we attempt to cook peace.”

Sam: “We’ve made mistakes.”

Thor: “I replaced his shampoo with glitter. He hasn’t stopped sparkling since.”

Clint: “We’re making Loki’s favorite dessert: Black Forest Cake. Symbolic. German. Dramatic. Much like Loki.”

Problems occurred immediately.

• Thor cracked all six eggs with his hammer.
• Clint tried to flambé the cherries and almost lit Sam’s sleeve.
• Sam got powdered sugar in the camera lens.

Still, somehow, the cake came out okay. Messy. Lopsided. Slightly burnt on one side. But okay.

They presented it to Loki with a handwritten card that read:

“Sorry we made you a disco ball.”

Loki, dramatically cloaked, took one bite of the cake.

Paused.

Then:

“You fools are lucky I love cherries.”

Forgiveness: granted (provisionally).

—

Tony walked into the common room, holding his tablet and grinning like he’d just bought Twitter again.

Tony: “Attention, content goblins: we’ve been nominated for three Streamy Awards.”

The room blinked.

Sam: “Is that the one where influencers cry about ring lights and lip gloss?”

Tony: “No. That’s the Teen Choice Awards. This one’s for YouTubers. You know… us.”

Steve: “We’re what now?”

Tony: “Welcome to your soft-launch into internet stardom. We’re up for:

1. Best Ensemble
2. Best Comedy Series
3. And thanks to Natasha’s podcast — Best Unscripted Interview”

Bucky (scrolling): “People voted for us?”

Tony: “People ship you. They’d vote you into Congress if I let them.”

Thor (reading aloud from his phone): “One tweet says: ‘Bucky Barnes could breathe near me and I’d call it a political statement.’ What does that mean?”

Sam: “It means you’re famous now. Congratulations. You’re all influencers with anxiety.”

—

Mission: Classic prank.

Target: Doctor Stephen “I have no time for this” Strange.

The plan?

• Replace Strange’s Cloak of Levitation with a knockoff made of red velvet curtain
• Hide a Bluetooth speaker that whispers “Dormammu has come to bargain” on loop

They almost succeeded.

Clint had the cloak switched out. Sam played decoy by asking for a horoscope reading (his moon is in Chaos, apparently). Everything was going great until…

The real cloak attacked.

It swooped in from the coat rack, dragged Clint off the balcony, and tied Sam to a bookshelf with the precision of a sailor.

Strange (without looking up):

“You think I didn’t enchant my dry-cleaning rack?”

Clint dangled from the ceiling, cocooned like a Christmas ham.

Clint: “We surrender!”

Strange (finally looking up, calmly sipping tea):

“You’re frogs for fifteen minutes.”

Poof.

Two frogs sat where Clint and Sam had been. One looked panicked. The other looked like he’d seen God.

Tony walked in.

“…Oh good. I was wondering when the universe would finally catch up with them.”

Thor (holding a camera): “Content!”

—

It started as a joke. Taylor Swift texted Steve.

Taylor: “I need a morally tortured heartthrob in a tux for my new video.”

Steve: “I’m morally tortured and I own a tux.”

Two days later, Steve found himself slow-dancing with Taylor in a Gatsby-style ballroom under fake moonlight, staring longingly into the camera while piano chords swelled in the background.

Director: “Pretend you’re in love.”

Steve: “I can’t act.”

Taylor: “Good. Neither can most men in my videos. Just smolder.”

Steve: smolders

Director: “Perfect. Do it again, but sadder.”

The video was released at midnight. Titled “My Last First Dance.”

The internet imploded.

Clips went viral within hours:

• Steve looking longingly at Taylor in a rainstorm
• Steve holding her face as she sings “I loved you in every lifetime”
• Steve in a silk shirt running after a train

Comments:

• “He could destroy me and I’d say thank you.”
• “I haven’t breathed since the third slow zoom.”
• “Bucky watching this like 😐”

Bucky, sitting at home, stared at his phone. Then muttered:

“I taught him that smolder. I want royalties.”

Later, a behind-the-scenes video surfaced of Steve and Taylor laughing hysterically after every take.

Taylor (laughing): “How is it we have more chemistry fake-dating than I did in multiple actual relationships?”

Steve: “Because I’m gay and dead inside.”

Taylor: “A powerful combination.”

They posted a selfie with the caption:

“Staylor is a platonic fever dream. You’re welcome.”

Tony reposted it and added:

“This is why I love the internet. And also why Bucky just threw his phone across the room.”

Chapter Text

The Avengers arrived in style. And by style, we mean:

• Tony in a glittering gold tux and LED sunglasses that read “VOTE ME HOTTEST DILF”
• Steve in classic black, looking like he was about to win an Oscar or crash a funeral
• Natasha in forest green silk and stilettos that could kill a man (and probably had)
• Sam in a crisp white suit with wings retracted but vibe fully extended
• Bucky in a black-on-black number, long hair slicked back, chewing gum like it owed him money
• Thor in a velvet burgundy suit and sheer shirt. Just vibes.
• Clint wore sunglasses indoors.
• Bruce came with a “Hi, I’m Nervous” sticker Tony made him wear.
• Loki showed up uninvited. And in a crown.

Red carpet reporter:

“Tony, any truth to the rumors that your team is faking drama for content?”

Tony (without hesitation):

“Of course. What do you think we are, amateurs?”

Steve (quietly):

“We literally set Sam’s eyebrows on fire last week.”

Sam:

“AND YOU CLAPPED.”

—

They won all three categories.

The first win — Best Ensemble — was emotional. Steve tried to be sincere.

Steve:

“We’re honored to be recognized—”

Tony (grabbing the mic):

“This award is for chaos, trauma bonding, and the group chat titled ‘Who Left the Milk Out Again.’”

Then he kissed Steve on the mouth.

The crowd screamed.

Then he kissed Sam.

Then Bucky.

Then Natasha.

Then Bruce (who turned slightly green in surprise).

Then Clint (who just gave him a thumbs up mid-smooch).

Then Thor (who dipped him like they were ballroom dancing).

Tony:

“Equality, baby.”

They won Best Comedy Series next. Clint thanked “everyone who ever laughed at our pain.”

And then… Best Unscripted Interview.

Natasha strode up with a martini in hand.

“Thank you to the hot sauces that broke Doctor Strange. Thank you to Thor for bringing us the joy of Fanfiction. And thank you to the camera that caught Steve reacting to thirst tweets like a Victorian maiden fainting into a handkerchief.”

Steve (offstage):

“You said that was PRIVATE.”

Natasha:

“I lied.”

—

Tony uploaded it without telling Bucky. The thumbnail: Bucky’s face in full judgmental squint.

Title:

“Bucky Barnes Reacts to Steve’s Music Video With Taylor Swift 😳 | I Hate This So Much”

It starts with Bucky slumped on the couch, arms crossed, Alpine in his lap. Tony’s voice offscreen:

Tony:

“So… you haven’t seen it yet?”

Bucky:

“I’ve seen GIFs. I’ve seen the slow-motion rain kiss. I’ve seen him RUNNING after a train like he’s in Bridgerton. But I haven’t seen the full thing.”

[Video begins]

Steve stares out a fake window as piano swells. Taylor spins into his arms. Steve looks tortured, like he’s about to deliver a Shakespearean monologue or cry over a puppy.

Bucky’s eyes narrow.

“Is he trying to smolder or is he in pain?”

Cut to the rain kiss scene.

“…Okay. That’s just rude.”

Taylor whispers something in slow-mo. Steve’s hand cups her jaw like she’s made of glass.

“Oh, we trained for that move. That’s the Winter Soldier Jaw Cradle™. He STOLE that.”

Video ends with Taylor crying in a ballroom while Steve walks away in slow motion.

Bucky (stone-faced):

“This is the worst day of my life.”

Then he pulls out his phone, mutters “I hate myself,” and watches it again.

Tony, cackling in the background:

“You’re obsessed.”

Bucky:

“…He looked good in the suit.”

—

Random Chaos (Because Why Not)

• Thor Mistakenly Thinks the Streamys Is a Karaoke Competition

He barges onstage, rips his shirt off, and belts Wrecking Ball in full falsetto.

Steve drops his drink. Natasha refuses to blink. Loki screams from backstage: “THIS IS WHY I LEFT!”

• Sam Gets Proposed To

A fan climbs onstage, drops to one knee, and proposes with a chicken nugget in a ring box.

Sam accepts.

They take a selfie.

Tony orders merch: “Falcon Fiancé Tour 2025”

• Bruce Sets the Afterparty Cake on Fire

He tries to light the candles. Hulk happens.

Bruce (covered in frosting):

“Well… it’s not the worst accident I’ve caused.”

Tony:

“I think that title goes to Ultron, bud.”

—

Clint and Sam go live from Tony’s home studio, armed with snacks, a whiteboard, and no filter whatsoever.

Livestream Title:

“We Were Hot, Unhinged, and Slightly Arrestable: The Avengers Streamy Recap”

Sam:

“Let’s talk looks. Let’s talk drama. Let’s talk how Steve kissed three people that night and still looked like he wanted to crawl into the drywall.”

Clint (drawing on the whiteboard):

“This is a graph of how sweaty Bucky got watching Steve’s music video. It peaks at the rain scene.”

Sam (zooming in with Tony’s 4K face cam):

“Also, Tony kissed me on the mouth and I still haven’t emotionally processed it.”

Chat explodes.

“#TONYxSAM KISS AGAIN”

“CLINT’S GRAPHS ARE CHAOS CODE”

“STEVE ROGERS IS HOTTER WHEN HE’S UNCOMFORTABLE”

Clint:

“Let’s roll the Thor karaoke footage again.”

They do. Five times.

Sam:

“And THAT was the moment I realized Thor thinks Streamys are a musical.”

Bonus Segment:

They prank call Tony midstream and tell him they accidentally leaked footage of Steve crying at a cat video.

Tony:

“…You mean again?”

—

Thor:

“Brother! I have a delightful idea. The fans have written tales of our heroic adventures. Let us read them aloud!”

Loki (already suspicious):

“What kind of tales, Thor?”

Thor:

“They call them… fanfiction. Surely they are noble stories of brotherly love and valor!”

Cut to ten minutes later:

Thor is slack-jawed. Loki has stood up and declared war on the internet.

Loki (reading, horrified):

“…‘Thor’s breath was hot against his brother’s neck as he whispered-’ NO. NOPE. ABSOLUTELY NOT.”

Thor (panicked):

“Why are there so many? Why are some of them—graphic?”

Loki:

“They SHIP us, Thor. They think we’re IN LOVE.”

Thor:

“But I called you a ‘nasty little weasel’ in canon!”

Loki:

“Which apparently only adds to the tension.”

They sit in traumatized silence for five full minutes.

Thor (quietly):

“One of them had a baby. Whose baby was it, Loki?”

Loki (through gritted teeth):

“Ours, Thor. It was ours.”

Tony uploads the footage titled:

“Thor and Loki Read Fanfics About Each Other and Descend into Madness | NSFW?”

It gets 7.3 million views in a day.

—

The studio is quiet. The lights are moody. There’s a respectful glass of whiskey between them.

Natasha (coolly):

“Dwayne. You’ve fought monsters, climbed skyscrapers, and made five Fast & Furious movies. But have you ever… eaten a Carolina Reaper while discussing your childhood trauma?”

The Rock:

“Bring it on, Romanoff.”

They both down wings coated in molten lava.

Five minutes in, The Rock starts sweating. Natasha is fine. Unbothered. Possibly immune.

The Rock:

“…How are you not dying right now?”

Natasha (shrugging):

“KGB training. We used to eat scorpions for breakfast.”

Bonus moment:

The Rock asks her to arm wrestle.

She wins.

Barely.

Comments Section:

“The only two people who could actually defeat Thanos in a fist fight.”

“This is sexual tension and I’m scared.”

“Justice for the Rock’s dignity 🪦”

Chapter Text

The camera is rolling. The lighting is very serious. Tony insisted.

Steve (nervously adjusting his shirt):

“Okay, so we’re supposed to answer questions from the fans.”

Bucky (smirking):

“I think they just want to see you squirm.”

The first question pops up on the screen:

“What’s your favorite thing about each other?”

Steve blushes. Bucky smiles like he’s won the lottery.

Steve clears his throat.

Steve:

“Uh, his sarcasm. And, uh, the way he’s always got my back.”

Bucky:

“I like that Steve still calls me ‘Buck’ and not ‘Winter Soldier.’”

Then comes the inevitable:

“Who’s the better cook?”

Bucky raises an eyebrow.

Steve tries to smile but fails spectacularly.

Bucky:

“You’re sweet, but I’m the one who can actually boil water.”

(Cue Thor popping into the frame dressed as a Viking chef:)

Thor:

“I volunteer as judge of cooking contests! Also, I brought snacks.”

The Q&A ends with Steve awkwardly hugging Bucky while trying to smile for the camera.

—

Sam (holding the camera):

“Welcome to the real Avengers Streamys — behind the scenes chaos!”

Clint (whispering):

“Watch out for the shoe thief.”

(Cut to Thor chasing his missing shoe down the hallway like a toddler after a runaway toy.)

Thor:

“I demand the return of my sole!”

(Cut to Sam accidentally photobombing Angelina Jolie mid-interview and Clint tripping over a power cord.)

Sam (laughing):

“And here’s me flirting with three celebrities at once. I swear I’m not trying to start a reality show.”

Clint (deadpan):

“They all said no.”

Thor (dramatically):

“At one point I got mistaken for a seat-filler and was nearly asked to sit on stage.”

The vlog ends with Thor giving a slow-motion reenactment of his shoe chase and Sam teasing Clint about his “dance moves.”

—

The internet has spoken. AGAIN.

Fan Tweets:

“Steve, PLEASE do another underwear campaign. You were amazing.”

“All hail Captain Calvin Klein.”

“Steve Rogers + boxers = perfection.”

Steve’s group chat blows up.

Bucky:

“You’re never doing that again, right?”

Steve:

[sweating emoji] “I’m so horrified. How did I even say yes the first time?”

Tony pipes in:

“Because you look damn good and it sold a million pairs.”

Steve groans but secretly checks out the latest fan edits anyway.

—

Steve never signed up for the Calvin Klein campaign sequel — but Tony? Tony had other plans.

Tony (grinning mischievously):

“Steve, buddy, I might have ‘accidentally’ booked you for a Playboy shoot instead.”

Steve (eyes wide):

“Wait, what?”

The photos leak online overnight, and suddenly the internet explodes.

Fan Reactions:

“Steve in a silk robe?! I’m dead.”

“Did Tony just break the internet again?”

“Steve’s smile in that pool shot is suspiciously charming.”

Bucky is simultaneously horrified and trying not to laugh.

Bucky (deadpan):

“I mean, it’s technically only shirtless, not fully naked… so, could be worse?”

Steve tries to keep a straight face during press interviews but can’t stop cracking up when asked if he’s “joining a new kind of Avengers initiative.”

—

Less than a week later, the team gets a new invite to a glamorous awards night — this one for “The Global Impact Awards” honoring philanthropy and entertainment.

Sam:

“Finally, an awards show that appreciates how much good we do… and maybe dresses us up nicer.”

Clint (grumbling):

“I’m just here for the snacks.”

Tony starts planning their outfits with dangerous enthusiasm.

Tony:

“Trust me, nobody’s going to outshine the Avengers this time.”

Steve and Bucky exchange glances. They’re bracing for whatever chaos that means.

—

Thor bursts into the common room, wielding a spatula and a Viking helmet.

Thor:

“Tony! You must come on ‘Thunder’s Kitchen’ for a special guest episode. You cook — but do you thunder cook?”

Tony (smirking):

“Thor, you want me to make your cooking ‘better’ or just less… Asgardian?”

Thor is serious.

Thor:

“Both.”

The ensuing episode is a glorious disaster — Tony critiques Thor’s choice of spices (too much thunder, apparently), Thor accidentally launches a chicken into the ceiling, and the studio lights flicker because someone (Tony) wired in a Stark Tech gadget.

—

The camera’s rolling for Thunder’s Kitchen feat. Tony: The Sequel, but things go sideways fast.

Tony (holding a smoking pan):

“Thor, what exactly did you put in this sauce?”

Thor (proudly):

“Just a dash of lightning, a sprinkle of thunder, and a hint of Valhalla.”

Suddenly, a spark jumps from the stove, setting off the smoke alarm.

Tony (waving a towel):

“Valhalla or not, we’re burning the kitchen down.”

Thor tries to save the dish by tossing it into the air… and accidentally knocks over a pot of noodles onto the floor.

Thor:

“Fear not! The noodles shall live again!”

(Cue a montage of slipping on noodles, frantic fan attempts to put out smoke, and a very amused Natasha filming it all.)

—

The Avengers show up at the award show looking outrageously good. Tony made sure of it — all custom fits, no budget spared.

Bucky (adjusting his collar):

“Why is my suit metallic?”

Tony:

“Because you’re shiny on the inside, Barnes.”

They win “Best Social Media Presence as a Team”, “Most Influential Public Figures”, and “Cultural Impact Icons.”

When they take the stage, Tony immediately grabs the mic.

Tony (smirking):

“We’d like to thank the Kardashians for reminding us that you can make millions without having to do literally anything meaningful. Really. Inspiring. But while they were getting filler, we were saving the world. So, you know. Balance.”

Sam (off to the side, clapping):

“Whew. He went there.”

Clint (leaning into the mic):

“Don’t worry, we’re prettier and useful.”

The audience LOSES it. Internet explodes with memes in seconds.

—

Natasha (leaning into her mic, cool and composed):

“Today’s guest is… handsome, Australian, and unreasonably charming. Welcome to the show, Hugh Jackman.”

Hugh (smiling, shaking her hand):

“Unreasonably, huh? You trying to tell me something?”

Natasha (flashing a smile):

“Depends. You single?”

The live comments section combusts.

Hugh (laughing):

“This podcast always this forward?”

Natasha (sipping her coffee):

“Only when the guest has arms like yours.”

They spend the episode exchanging flirtatious banter. Natasha keeps leaning forward just enough to fluster him. At one point, she licks sauce off her finger mid-interview — and Hugh has to pause to catch his breath.

Natasha (teasing):

“Need a moment, Jackman?”

Hugh (laughing):

“You’re dangerous.”

Natasha:

“That’s the point.”

Chapter Text

The morning after Natasha’s flirt-fest episode with Hugh Jackman, the tower is buzzing.

Tony storms into the kitchen, holding a tablet that’s blasting with headlines:

“NATASHA FLIRTS WITH HUGH JACKMAN FOR AN HOUR — WHERE CAN I SIGN UP?”

“THE PODCAST IS NO LONGER SAFE FOR WORK. OR MINDS.”

Tony (dramatically slamming the tablet down):

“Romanoff. Darling. What in the high-definition hell was that?”

Natasha (casually making espresso):

“Ratings went up 800%. You’re welcome.”

Tony:

“This was supposed to be a podcast. Not a slow-burn erotica series with celebrity guests!”

Natasha (deadpan):

“People like chemistry, Tony. Maybe try having some.”

Tony:

“Ouch. Rude and homophobic.”

Steve (walking in, yawning):

“What’s going on?”

Tony (without turning):

“Cap, don’t watch her latest episode. You’ll combust.”

Steve:

“…I already did.”

—

the night before:

Steve and Bucky sit in the living room, frozen, watching Natasha’s interview with Hugh Jackman on the big screen.

Hugh is laughing, clearly flustered.

Natasha leans close to the mic and murmurs something that makes the camera guy physically cough.

Steve (clutching the armrest):

“Is she licking hot sauce off her finger? Is she—Bucky. Is she purring?”

Bucky (eyes wide):

“She’s been weaponized.”

Steve:

“She always was. But this is a war crime.”

Bucky:

“Do we tell her to tone it down?”

Steve:

“You go ahead. I’ll write you a nice eulogy.”

—

Elsewhere, Clint and Sam are brainstorming their next content stunt.

Sam:

“You know what we need? A fake dating scandal.”

Clint:

“Who? You and me?”

Sam:

“Please, you wish. No, we’re too chaotic. People would think it’s a dare.”

Clint (grinning):

“What about Bucky and Loki?”

Sam (gasping):

“That’s evil. I love it.”

Leaked was: A fake tabloid headline they Photoshopped

“Winter Soldier and God of Mischief Spotted Getting Cozy at Alien-Themed Diner!”

The photo is clearly Loki scowling while Bucky eats pancakes, unbothered.

—

Steve opens Instagram. Bad idea.

Top comment on Natasha’s podcast post:

“Imagine being the chair Hugh Jackman sat in 😩🔥🔥🔥”

Steve closes Instagram.

Opens Twitter. Also bad.

Trending:

#NatashaJackman

#RogersWho

#TheRealCaptainIsNat

Steve (muttering to himself):

“Maybe I should go back in the ice.”

Tony (overhearing):

“Not before your next campaign shoot, Captain Calvin.”

—

Natasha’s podcast episode with Pedro Pascal goes live and within minutes, the internet completely combusts. The title?

“Daddy Issues, World Domination, and How Hot is Too Hot?”

Pedro arrives with a warm smile and charming chaos energy. Natasha is not immune.

Natasha (smirking):

“You know, the internet calls you ‘Daddy.’”

Pedro (laughing):

“I know. I don’t know how to stop it.”

Natasha (grinning):

“Why would we want to?”

Midway through the show, she leans across the table to “adjust his mic.” She doesn’t touch the mic.

Pedro blushes. Twitter crashes.

—

Steve has decided to channel the chaos of his public image into something productive.

Cue: “Shield & Strings”, a podcast hosted by Steve Rogers and Taylor Swift.

First episode: “We’re Just Friends, Calm Down Internet.”

Taylor (laughing):

“So when are we releasing our wedding invites?”

Steve (blushing):

“I think I still need to understand how memes work.”

They discuss songwriting, heroism, and what it’s like being shipped with every human being alive.

Taylor:

“People ship me with Natasha now, too. Should we all just marry?”

Steve (panicking):

“Wait, is that—legal?”

Taylor:

“It’s the internet. Everything’s legal.”

—

Clint has decided the best place for “authentic, raw footage” is inside the ventilation system of Avengers Tower.

He straps a GoPro to his forehead and begins his Vlog series: “Tower Rats.”

Clint (whispering):

“Day 3. I’ve seen things. Sam eating peanut butter off a knife in the dark. Natasha practicing smirks in the mirror. Bucky reading romance novels.”

(Cue: Clint falling through the vent mid-recording and landing in the kitchen trash bin.)

Sam (eating cereal):

“Told you the raccoons would claim you.”

—

Bucky walks into the common area to find Tony watching an edit of Doctor Strange in slo-mo, shirt open, cape flowing, jazz music playing.

Bucky (eyebrow raised):

“Really?”

Tony (turning):

“He’s got style. Grace. A jawline that could cut through vibranium.”

Bucky:

“Steve Rogers exists, you know.”

Tony:

“Rogers looks like a patriotic protein shake. Strange looks like brooding sex magic.”

Bucky:

“Steve is an American icon.”

Tony:

“So is Burger King.”

They spend ten minutes arguing over who’s hotter, culminating in Steve walking in holding a cup of tea, blinking at them.

Steve (awkward):

“…I’ll just come back later.”

Tony & Bucky (in unison):

“No, stay. Take off your shirt!”

Chapter Text

The Tower PA system clicks on:

FRIDAY: “Clinton Barton, by official Avengers decree, you are hereby banned from all ventilation systems effective immediately.”

Clint, mid-crawl, GoPro strapped on, wedged halfway through a vent above the gym.

Clint (into camera):

“They’ll never take me alive.”

Suddenly, the vent gives out.

CRASH.

He lands in front of Bucky, who’s doing push-ups.

Bucky:

“Third time this week, Barton.”

Sam (from the side):

“Make it four. He was in my sock drawer yesterday.”

Tony (storming in):

“I found breadcrumbs in the air filter, Clint. Breadcrumbs.”

Clint (from the ground):

“For the raccoons.”

—

On the newest episode of Red Room Heat with Natasha, she brings on none other than Austin Butler.

The title:

“Elvis Has Left the Building… But I’m Still Here, Baby.”

Natasha (grinning):

“So, Austin. You’ve played a rock star. Want to talk about… rhythm?”

Austin (smiling nervously):

“Am I allowed to blush this much on camera?”

Natasha:

“Depends. Are you gonna take your jacket off or what?”

(millions of viewers collectively flatlining.)

Pedro Pascal sees the clip and comments:

“I thought we had something.”

Hugh Jackman likes the post.

Steve sees all of it. Turns off his phone. Again.

—

Steve and Taylor, trying to be “good sports” about the shipping chaos, agree to a Lie Detector episode.

Host (gleefully):

“Okay! First question. Steve—do you have a crush on anyone on the team?”

Steve (sweating):

“No.”

Lie Detector: BEEEEEEP

Taylor (laughing):

“Oooh, we have a LIEEE.”

Steve (face red):

“It’s malfunctioning.”

Host:

“Okay, Taylor — ever written a song about Steve?”

Taylor (grinning):

“No comment.”

Lie Detector: BEEEEEEP

Steve:

“Wait, which one??”

Taylor:

“Track 5.”

Steve (horrified):

“Track FIVE?!”

—

In a tragic scheduling mix-up, Sam Wilson and Loki Laufeyson are forced to co-host the official Avengers Weekly Livestream.

It is… not going well.

Sam (sighing):

“Okay, so today we’re reading fan questions. Loki, would you like to-”

Loki (arms crossed):

“This is beneath me.”

Sam:

“You turned Thor into a frog last week because he ate your yogurt. Read the damn card.”

Loki:

“Fine. ‘Dear Sam and Loki, who’s more dramatic between you?’ Is that a joke?”

Sam:

“You fake-died six times. I win.”

Loki:
“You cried because your sandwich fell.”

Sam:

“IT HAD GUACAMOLE!”

They almost fight live. FRIDAY ends the stream early and replaces the footage with a slideshow of Steve smiling awkwardly.

—

Natasha Romanoff finally meets her match when she invites Kris Jenner onto Red Room Heat with Natasha.

The internet implodes the moment the announcement trailer drops.

Episode Title:

“PR Nightmares, Daughter Empires, and Seducing the Matriarch”

Kris (smiling politely):

“So, Natasha, how do you deal with public scrutiny?”

Natasha (smirking):

“Usually by breaking someone’s nose. But I hear PR teams are more civilized.”

They sip espresso martinis while silently assessing which one would win in a bloodless corporate war. (It’s Kris. But only because Natasha lets her.)

By the end of the episode, they’ve planned a joint skincare line and may or may not have kissed off-camera.

—

Steve:

“I’m not doing this, Taylor.”

Taylor Swift (innocently, phone already recording):

“You said we were besties now. Besties don’t lie.”

She opens the slideshow. A giant “SMASH OR PASS: Avengers Edition” graphic explodes on-screen.

Steve (sweating):

“Absolutely not. This is deeply inappropriate-”

Taylor:

“Says the one who did a Calvin Klein Campaign and a Playboy shoot.“

Steve quickly shuts up.

Taylor continues.

Slide 1: Natasha

Steve: „pass“

lie detector buzzes

Steve: “THIS THING IS RIGGED.”

Slide 2: Sam

Steve (laughing): “Oh come on, he’s like my brother—”

Lie detector buzzes

Taylor (wheezing): “BROTHER??”

Slide 3: Bucky

Steve (voice cracking): “…smash.”

Taylor: “Say it louder for the people in the back.”

Steve:“I will literally walk into traffic.”

—

Clint is back. Dressed in a full-body squirrel onesie, complete with tail and fake buck teeth.

Clint (into his GoPro):

“Operation: Nutcracker is a go.”

He crawls through the newly reinforced vent system whispering things like “the rodents run free once more” and “they’ll never suspect the squirrel.”

Tony catches him on camera.

Tony (in the control room):

“I hate everything.”

Sam (over comms):

“Just let him have this. He lost in Mario Kart three days ago and hasn’t recovered.”

Bucky:

“He bit me. Said it was ‘for dominance.’”

—

After several HR complaints and one minor explosion in the common room, Sam and Loki are court-ordered by Tony to attend joint therapy.

They decide to livestream it. Because of course they do.

Therapist: “Let’s start with your perception of each other.”

Sam: “He’s a drama queen.”

Loki: “He’s an emotionally constipated bird with a superiority complex.”

Therapist: “That’s a start.”

Sam: “He tried to hex my coffee.”

Loki: “You tried to glue my horns to your wall as ‘modern art.’”

Sam: “Okay, that’s true.”

The therapist slowly closes her notebook, removes her glasses, and says:

“I’m gonna need hazard pay.”

The stream reaches 8.5 million views in an hour. Loki’s fanbase grows dramatically. Sam gets a sponsorship from BetterHelp.

Chapter Text

The internet is not ready for the livestream titled:

“Steve & Taylor’s Patriot Popcorn Party 🎤🛏️🍿 (w/ Sleepover Q&A!)”

It starts innocently enough — Taylor wears glittery pajama pants, Steve’s in flannel, and they’re eating popcorn out of Captain America’s shield. They do skincare masks. Steve fumbles every pop culture reference. Taylor makes fun of him for not knowing what “rizz” means.

And then… Bucky walks in. Shirtless. Confused. Holding a mug.

Bucky (blinking): “Are you… live?”

Steve (turning red): “…We’re doing a Q&A. You want popcorn?”

Taylor (cackling): “Welcome to the sleepover, Bucky. Take a seat, metal arm and all.”

The internet: melts.

The live chat:

• “STEVE’S BLUSHING SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE”
• “He walked in like a husband grabbing coffee”
• “Steve & Taylor? Nah. Steve & Bucky. I see you.”
• “This is enemies to lovers to roommates to husbands energy”

The stream gains 12 million views by morning. Bucky stays the whole time. No shirt. Steve forgets the stream is on and at one point says:

“You smell like cinnamon again.”

Chaos ensues.

—

Title: “Red Room Heat with Natasha: Traumas, Assassins, & Fanfiction”

Natasha invites Bucky to her podcast. The sexual tension is mostly replaced by mutual deadpan trauma-sharing.

Natasha: “So, when did you realize the internet thought you were hot?”

Bucky (flatly): “The moment I read a fic where Steve and I got married in space. I didn’t hate it.”

Natasha (smirking): “You read the one with the space wedding? Iconic.”

Bucky: “I also read one where we ran a bakery together and Steve cried over burnt muffins.”

Natasha: “That actually happened. I have the footage.”

Listeners call it the most emotionally charged deadpan episode yet. At one point, they both eat Sushi in complete silence while the theme from Inception plays in the background. It’s labeled “modern art” on Twitter.

—

After being banned (again) from the vents, Clint declares war.

Clint (live on his Twitch): “We, the underground people of Rodent Nation, will rise again! You will not silence our squeaks!”

He drops merch the next day. Hoodies with “Rodent Nation: Silent but Squeaky” printed across the chest. Tiny stuffed rats with eye masks. He trains a squirrel named Debbie to fetch him snacks.

Tony threatens legal action. Clint responds by mailing him cheese.

—

Stream Title:

“Two Geniuses. One Ferrari. No License.”

Sam and Loki are back. And for absolutely no reason, they livestream themselves hotwiring Tony’s rare white Ferrari while eating McDonald’s.

Sam: “This is revenge for putting kale in the team fridge.”

Loki (grinning): “And for calling my cloak a ‘cosplay towel.’”

The drive starts strong. Loki reads hate comments and throws shade. Sam tries to play Pitbull on Bluetooth.

Then Loki attempts to summon a portal mid-drive.

They crash into a billboard that says:

“The Avengers: Streamy Award Winners!”

The stream ends with sparks flying, Loki laughing manically, and Sam yelling:

“I TOLD YOU TO TURN LEFT!”

Tony shows up in the comments:

“You are both grounded. Indefinitely. I hope the squirrel gets you.”

—

Clint has completely leaned into the madness.

The “Rodent Nation Anthem” premieres at midnight on YouTube.

• The music video begins with Clint crawling out of a vent in a fur-lined hoodie, wearing aviators and squeaking like a mouse.
• Background dancers wear giant rat heads. One of them might be Scott Lang. No one is sure.
• Lyrics include bars like:
  “In the ducts where I dwell, hear that freedom bell /
  Cheese in my hand, got a squirrel cartel.”

The chorus is just Clint chanting “SQUEAK SQUAD” over a trap beat.

Reddit explodes. A trending conspiracy thread is titled:

“Has Clint Barton Officially Lost His Mind? A Timeline.”

Tony tries to get it taken down but ends up humming the anthem in the lab.

—

Thor, bless him, volunteers to teach at a local kindergarten for “Hero Day.”

He arrives in full Asgardian armor, Mjolnir spinning, declaring:

“Today, young ones, we conquer the playground!”

Within ten minutes:

• He’s demonstrating how to “summon the sky” (a.k.a. lightning).
• A terrified teacher is on the phone with Strange.
• The children are chanting “⚡️THUNDER DADDY⚡️” (this becomes a TikTok audio trend).

Dr. Strange (portaling in):

“You are not summoning lightning inside a Montessori school.”

Thor: “But they crave glory!”

He’s escorted out gently. A child cries. Thor promises to mail them a hammer replica.

—

Steve decides they need a break. Bucky agrees. Tony loans them a luxury car with 18 hidden cameras (Steve doesn’t know).

Steve: “Germany’ll be chill. Quiet. History. Good food.”

Bucky (casually): “I speak German, you know.”

Steve (suspicious): “Since when?”

Bucky: “Since 1943. Pay attention.”

The roadtrip starts well. They eat bratwurst. Bucky orders everything for them with smooth Berlin-accented charm that makes Steve sweat.

Then they get lost somewhere in the Schwarzwald with no GPS.

Bucky: “I told you to take the left.”

Steve: “You said rechts!”

Bucky: “Exactly!”

They end up in a tiny mountain village where no one has heard of the Avengers but a little old lady invites them in for schnitzel. Steve accidentally refers to himself as “Captain Sausage” in broken German.

The footage goes viral on TikTok.

—

The new episode of Red Room Heat opens with Natasha in a velvet jumpsuit, sipping tea. Her guest?

Former President Barack Obama.

Natasha: “So, Mr. President. Ever read Avengers fanfiction?”

Obama (laughing): “I have daughters. I’ve… seen.”

They discuss:

• The ethical dilemma of superhero merchandise capitalism.
• Whether Steve Rogers should run for president.
• Who is the “most unhinged” Avenger (he names Clint without hesitation).
• The Obama daughters’ massive Bucky stan energy.

Then Natasha hands him a hot wing and asks:

“Smash or pass: Loki?”

Obama (with practiced political calm): “Pass. But respectfully. Dude’s got flair.“

Twitter implodes. Natasha’s ratings hit an all-time high.

Bucky texts her:

“You’re not real for that.”

She replies with:

“I know.”

Chapter Text

Steve and Bucky are still vibing somewhere in southern Germany, blissfully unaware that Tony’s luxury roadtrip car has 18 hidden cameras wired into the entertainment system — all feeding directly into a “PRIVATE” folder on Tony’s server.

Only it’s Tony. So, of course, it’s not private.

After a day of hiking, schnitzel, and Steve blushing every time Bucky speaks German, they park at a scenic overlook. The stars are out. It’s quiet. Too quiet.

And then, it happens.

Steve leans in. Bucky meets him halfway. They start making out like they’re in a Nicholas Sparks movie with a Marvel-sized budget.

FRIDAY: “Tony, camera 6 is experiencing heavy fogging from human activity.”

Tony (mouth full of popcorn):“Enhance. Zoom. Clip it. Cut the sound. I’m not a monster.”

He uploads a mysterious 12-second clip to the “Stark After Dark” side account on YouTube.

The caption:

“When the Soldier melts the Captain 🍓💥 #NotAParody #SteveBuckyReal”

It racks up 12 million views in 4 hours.

Reddit is in shambles. Twitter is at DEFCON 1. Tumblr is throwing a renaissance fair. And Steve? Has no clue.

—

Clint has now been in the vents for 6 consecutive days.

He’s livestreaming it 24/7 under the channel “RodentNation HQ.”

He’s eating protein bars, sleeping on pool floaties, and talking to a sock puppet named Ventley.

Day 3: He declares war on the HVAC system.

Day 5: He hosts a vent-side interview with Scott Lang.

Day 6: He tries to legally marry the ductwork. Vision declines to officiate.

Tony (watching from his office):

“At what point does this become a wellness issue?”

FRIDAY: “Day 4, sir.”

Clint posts a music video from inside the vent. The chorus goes:

“I’m not crazy, I’m committed — duct tape soul, airflow gifted.”

#RodentNation starts trending globally.

—

Just like always, it starts with a livestream.

Sam and Loki steal another one of Tony’s cars (a neon green Lamborghini, no less) for a “Driving With Divas” stream.

Problem is:

• Sam lost his license three years ago.
• Loki has never had one.
• They’re both doing shots of espresso and quoting Fast & Furious the whole way.

They get pulled over. Loki immediately asks the officer if they’d like to “kneel before him.”

They’re arrested on the spot.

Tony gets a call at 3 a.m.

Tony: “Don’t tell me.”

Police Dispatcher: “Mr. Stark, we have a Falcon and a… god?”

Tony: “Again?”

He bails them out, obviously. The bail receipt reads:

“Charge: Unlicensed Operation of Vehicle While Dramatic.”

The video footage? Leaked. Loki signs autographs in the holding cell.

—

Back in Germany, Steve opens his phone at breakfast.

His face slowly drains of blood.

Steve: “Why am I trending on six platforms?”

Bucky (glancing over): “Wait… is that us?”

Steve: “Oh my god. Oh my god.”

Bucky: “I knew that car was too fancy.”

Steve calls Tony. Tony answers with:

“You’re welcome, sweetheart. The internet is thriving.”

—

Natasha’s podcast, Red Room Heat, is now the #1 podcast globally. So when Ryan Gosling shows up in an unbuttoned shirt and too much charisma, the internet collectively combusts.

Natasha (smirking): “So, Ryan, today’s episode is themed: Reading Unhinged Fanfiction moments.”

Ryan: “What could possibly go wrong?”

She hands him a stack labeled “SteveBucky Fanfic Excerpts.”

He begins reading aloud:

“Bucky grabbed Steve’s shield… and then grabbed something else.”

Natasha sips her coffee, unbothered. The clip gets posted as “Ryan Gosling Reads Avengers Smut With Chilling Accuracy.”

Steve (watching it later): “I can never look him in the eye again.”

Bucky: “You looked him in the eye before?”

—

Steve and Bucky are done. The leaked car footage was the final straw.

So they go full heist-mode.

• Bucky infiltrates the security system (he claims “HYDRA taught me well”).
• Steve distracts Tony by offering to “film a thirst trap for TikTok” (Tony starts crying tears of joy).
• Meanwhile, Clint (who is still banned from the vents) offers his underground tunnel network for access.

They sneak into the control room, hack FRIDAY, and broadcast an edited compilation of Tony simping for Doctor Strange.

Clips include:

• “I just think his hands are neat.”
• “Look at that cape. You know he flies in style.”
• “If I ever get married again, I want Stephen to officiate. Shirtless.”

Tony walks in mid-broadcast.

Tony: “You two are monsters. I raised you better.”

Bucky (arms crossed):

“Good. Now you know how it feels.”

—

Clint has officially lost it.

He builds an elaborate “Vent Kingdom”, complete with:

• A squirrel crown
• Flags made of old Avengers t-shirts
• A national anthem sung by Scott Lang in falsetto

He livestreams a “State of the Vent-ion” speech from inside the wall.

Clint (serious tone): “I hereby secede from the United States. This is now Bartonland.”

FRIDAY: “Sir, he has installed ventilation tax collection.”

Tony: “I’ll allow it. For science.”

—

Court-mandated driving school is never fun. But being taught by Bruce Banner while your co-pilot is the literal God of Mischief? Worse.

Bruce (calmly): “Loki, please stop turning the instructor’s clipboard into a ferret.”

Loki: “Perhaps the clipboard prefers its ferret form.”

Sam: “We’re on the highway and he’s trying to open a portal to Asgard. HELP.”

Bruce (breathing heavily): “Okay. Let’s pull over before I hulk out on the offramp.”

The livestream is titled: “Dr. Banner’s Stress Breakdown: A Vehicular Tragedy.”

Top comment: “I feel like I learned more about anger management than driving.”

—

Bonus Scene

Taylor Swift walks into Natasha’s podcast studio again.

Natasha: “Back already?”

Taylor (smirking): “I heard Steve and Bucky finally kissed on camera. I brought popcorn.”

Cute evil laughter.

Chapter Text

The Academy was warned. They didn’t listen.

Red Carpet Arrival:

• Tony arrives in a tux that’s 3D-printed live on his body by nanotech. It glitches halfway through and turns into a tutu.
• Steve arrives last because he was “ironing his socks.” Fans scream so loud the Dolby Theatre windows crack.
• Loki descends from the sky in a chariot pulled by six giant ravens.
• Thor shows up shirtless. Nobody’s surprised. Still applauded.

Opening Monologue:

• Tony immediately calls the Oscars “a glorified cosplay contest for the emotionally repressed.”
• Sam follows with: “Honestly, I thought this was the Golden Globes. I’m drunk either way.”

Acceptance Speech for “Best Viral Group Channel”:

• Steve tries to say “Thank you.”
• Tony cuts in: “We’d like to thank the Academy and deeply apologize to the Kardashians — wait no. Actually, no we don’t.”
• Clint takes the mic:
  “The Kardashians walk so we could RUN THEM OVER. With a tank. While blindfolded. On live TV.”
• Bucky adds:
  “Khloé called me mid-tier once. I remember, Khloé.”

Standing ovation. The Academy dies.

Top trending moment:

Steve accidentally rips his tuxedo while flexing mid-speech.

(The slow-mo replay becomes a meme titled “The Moment the Internet Died.”)

—

Natasha tricks Bucky into a “tasteful reading session” with whiskey. There are cameras. There are props. There’s a Steve cardboard cutout in the corner wearing Calvin Klein.

Bucky opens Tweet 1:

“Steve Rogers could turn me into a star-spangled omelet and I’d say thank you, chef.”

Tweet 2:

“My body is the Winter Soldier and Steve’s thighs are the activation words.”

Tweet 3 (accompanied by a hyper-edited thirst trap video):

“I would let Steve Rogers fold me like a government-issued lawn chair.”

Bucky (unblinking): “You people need to go outside and touch grass. Preferably radioactive grass.”

Tweet 4:

“The way Steve eats cereal? Biblical.”

Bucky throws his phone and walks off. The clip goes viral.

—

Natasha has decided to get Clint onto her Podcast, so she crawls into the vents with two microphones, a flashlight, and a GoPro strapped to her forehead. Clint’s built a fully furnished studio inside the air duct, complete with squirrel wallpaper and a snack drawer labeled “For Rodents Only.”

Natasha: “Why do your walls smell like peanut butter and despair?”

Clint (beaming): “Adds character.”

They record “Vent Confessions” — a chaotic, whispery podcast full of deep lore:

• Clint admits to stealing Tony’s cologne.
• Natasha reveals Steve once cried watching Paddington 2.
• They both try to interview a raccoon, but it bites the mic and runs off.

—

Sam and Loki have to take another Driver‘s Test.

Their instructor this time: Deadpool. (The DMV has officially given up.)

Deadpool (wearing a driving cap): “Okay, children. Today we learn how to not crash a billion-dollar car. Loki, no portals.”

Loki: “I do what I want.”

Sam: “We are never passing this test.”

They fail spectacularly:

• Loki turns the car invisible mid-test.
• Sam screams as the car floats over traffic.
• Deadpool live-tweets the entire thing under the hashtag #DriverDoomsday

Top Tweet:

“Just saw Captain Falcon and Discount Hades take flight in a Honda Civic. 10/10.”

—

Steve, half-asleep after the Oscars, opens his phone.

New headline trending:

“Captain America: Internet Daddy or Tactical Weapon of Thirst?”

Steve (groans): “I’m retiring. Again.”

Bucky (from the couch): “Too late. I bought you a matching set of Calvin Klein. Check your drawer.”

—

Natasha Romanoff somehow acquires clearance to film an episode of Red Room Heat inside Buckingham Palace.

Prince William: “So… this is a podcast?”

Natasha (in a red leather suit, setting up mics on the Queen’s antique dining table): “It’s a cultural reset, Will. Sit still.”

They sip tea while discussing:

• How many knives Natasha can hide in a ball gown.
• Whether Will thinks Clint Barton is real.
• If royal corgis are actually government surveillance.

A corgi takes over the mic halfway through. William says it’s the best episode yet.

Natasha is now officially banned from the UK.

—

Tony’s had it.

After Clint installed a mini zipline and an espresso bar in the vents (powered by Sam’s old iPod), Tony breaks.

Tony (to FRIDAY): “Initiate: Scorched Earth Rodent Eviction Protocol.”

Suddenly:

• Jets of FIRE blast through the vents.
• Clint, in full camo and squirrel ears, sprints out smoking.
• The fire alarm plays “It’s Getting Hot in Here” by Nelly.

Clint: “THIS IS A WAR CRIME!”

Tony throws cheese at him and walks away.

Rodent Nation vows revenge.

—

PEOPLE Magazine has decided to crown Steve ‚Sexiest Man Alive‘.

The Internet dies.

Steve is photographed in:

• A white tank top with suspenders.
• A classic suit, leaning on a motorcycle.
• A sweater, holding a puppy, holding a smaller sweater.

Tony sees the cover and just. Loses it.

Tony (to himself): “Sexiest man alive? Really? I was literally born in a tuxedo.”

He starts a smear campaign. It backfires. Steve’s magazine sells out in 14 minutes.

Bucky (seeing the cover): “I need to be alone for like… an hour.”

—

Sam and Loki are on a mission. Again. This time with Thor, who thought “Area 51” was a theme park.

Thor (wielding Mjolnir): “I seek the alien queen!”

Loki: “That’s Beyoncé. Different mission.”

They break in using:

• A fake Uber Eats order.
• Thor riding a lightning bolt through the gate.
• Loki tricking the guards into thinking he’s Elon Musk.

Inside, they:

• Release three glowing alien goats.
• Find a machine labeled “MULTIVERSE MICROWAVE???”
• Get chased by something named “Greg, the Inverted Platypus.”

They livestream it. Sam loses signal halfway through while riding a hoverboard.

Tony (watching the feed from home): “I’m not paying bail this time. You hear me? I’m NOT—”

In the end:

Thor crashes into the White House lawn.

—

After his eviction, Clint launches Rodent Nation TV from the roof using a camping stove, a GoPro, and an illegal satellite.

He announces: “Tony Stark has declared war on the vents. And we… DECLARE WAR BACK.”

He’s wearing:

• A trash bag poncho.
• One sock.
• A crown made of Pop-Tart boxes.

The fanbase quadruples overnight.

—

Steve opens his locker and finds:

• 46 issues of PEOPLE Magazine with his own face cut out and pasted onto Tony’s body.
• A note that says, “Hope you’re happy. - T”

He sighs. Turns to Bucky.

Steve: “Should I… feel flattered?”

Bucky: “No. You should feel terrified.”

Chapter Text

Actually, it starts with a TikTok. A blurry hallway shot of Steve Rogers stretching after a workout, beard fully grown in, glistening with post-workout righteousness.

Within 13 minutes, the internet is in flames. “BEARD STEVE” becomes a religion. Fan edits flood every platform. Bucky “accidentally” likes 73 of them.

Inside the Tower:

Tony slams his tablet on the table. “I spent two hours in lighting for my Playboy shoot and Cap walks out of a gym looking like a Greek god and he’s trending?!”

“Sounds like someone’s beard-envy is showing,” Sam sings, twirling a spoon.

Bucky strolls in, phone in hand. “This one has a slow zoom. Looping audio. Soft lighting. I cried.”

Steve blushes. “Can we not make a thing out of—”

Natasha cuts him off. “Oh, it’s a thing, Rogers. Your beard has a fandom now. There’s merch.”

Clint enters the room in a custom “BEARD DADDY” hoodie.

“Clint,” Tony warns.

“I am the voice of the people.”

—

Somewhere in the vents, Doctor Stephen Strange is contemplating the astral plane as Clint ziplines past him with a GoPro and three packs of peanut M&Ms.

“You are a grown man,” Strange groans.

“You’re my content now,” Clint grins. “Smile for Wizard in the Walls Ep. 6: Confined but Hot.”

In retaliation, Strange attempts to phase out—only for Thor (who somehow got involved?) to blast a lightning bolt that short-circuits FRIDAY for eight seconds. Enough time for Clint to escape. Again.

Tony, now deeply unhinged, builds a flame-throwing drone labeled “VENT EXTERMINATOR 9000.”

“You are not flame-roasting your team,” Pepper yells from the elevator.

Tony mutters, “Technically they started it.”

—

Taylor Swift invites the team over to her L.A. mansion for a “small, chill party.”

Within 30 minutes:

• Natasha and Taylor film a chaotic TikTok to “…Ready for It?” while sword-fighting with baguettes.
• Sam and Clint challenge Timothée Chalamet and Paul Mescal to a karaoke duel. They win. Barely.
• Thor tells Taylor’s cat Olivia that she’s “a noble Asgardian creature” and knits her a scarf from lightning.
• Steve accidentally knocks over a champagne pyramid and spends 40 minutes trying to re-stack it.
• Bucky gets cornered by paparazzi in the backyard and responds by climbing a tree.
• Loki impersonates Jack Antonoff and gets asked to co-produce her next album.

The entire night is live-streamed by FRIDAY. It breaks records on Twitch.

—

Somehow, Natasha convinces influencer Ashton Hall to come on Red Room Heat for a morning routine collab. It’s filmed in the Tower at 5 a.m.

Episode Highlights:

• Natasha makes her bed using military folds. Ashton cries.
• They cold plunge in a rooftop fountain while Clint screams encouragement from inside the vents.
• Natasha’s skincare routine includes: black coffee, a death stare, and tactical concealment powder.
• FRIDAY briefly loses visual when Natasha throws Ashton into a surprise ninja training module.

Comment section highlights:

• “Ashton blink twice if you need help.”
• “This is the best crossover since Endgame.”
• “Clint’s vent screech gave me a jump scare.”

—

Steve finds Bucky on the balcony scrolling through #BeardSteve edits.

“You good?” Steve asks.

“No. I just watched a fan cam of you tying your boots. Set to Lana Del Rey. It broke me,” Bucky mutters.

“…Want me to shave it?”

“Don’t you dare.”

—

From the moment the Avengers step onto the Grammy stage, everything goes to hell.

• Thor opens the show by summoning lightning during the National Anthem.
• Natasha wears a crimson dress with two daggers strapped to her thighs and tells the crowd: “Music is war, and tonight, we honor our most dangerous soldier.”
• Steve looks painfully hot in a suit with his beard freshly shaped. Bucky keeps knocking things over backstage while pretending not to stare.
• Sam makes a dramatic entrance by flying in with mechanical wings and nearly decapitates the front row of the orchestra.
• Tony is wearing a suit that shoots fire. Literally. “Built it myself. Cost: three Grammys’ worth of budget.”

And then, they do the unthinkable:

They invent a new award category on the spot:

“Deserving of All Awards in History — presented to Taylor Swift. For literally existing.”

They hand her a 7-foot-tall platinum statue made by Thor and Clint using melted-down Iron Man gauntlet scraps.

Taylor accepts the award calmly, despite Bucky sobbing in the background and Clint shouting, “YOU’RE WELCOME, MOTHER OF MUSIC.”

Steve salutes her. Natasha winks. The internet crashes.

—

It’s been weeks. Clint has squatted in the vents longer than most species gestate. Tony has had enough.

Tony’s Plan: Vent-clearing drones with heat-seeking pepper spray and Taylor Swift songs on loop to flush Clint out.

Clint’s Response: He booby-traps the ductwork, starts a TikTok called “Vent Wars: Resistance Live”, and declares the vents a sovereign nation.

Collateral Damage:

• Pepper walks into her office and finds a squirrel-costumed Clint doing recon under her desk.
• FRIDAY has to redirect internal airflow around the traps.
• Bruce refuses to get involved and hides in a closet.

Eventually, Natasha intervenes. With a tranquilizer dart.

Clint is carried out. He salutes his loyal subscribers and whispers, “Rodent Nation will rise again.”

—

“Listen,” Sam says, “we just want to borrow the Bifrost.”

“No,” Thor replies.

Loki grins. “So we’re breaking in?”

Thor squints. “Wait—what?”

The Plan:

• Loki distracts the Asgardian guards by shapeshifting into Beyoncé.
• Sam uses jet wings to fly over the gates screaming “FOR DEMOCRACY!”
• They trip ten ancient alarms, trigger an automated defense cannon, and still manage to sneak into the Royal Archives.

What were they looking for?

“No idea,” Sam confesses while dodging lightning bolts. “Loki said it was important.”

It was not important. Loki just wanted to “borrow” Odin’s cape for his next live stream with Sam. It absolutely didn’t fit.

Result: They’re both caught. Again.

Tony bails them out. Again. He has them listed in his contacts as “Menace 1” and “Menace 2, Taller”.

—

Taylor installs her 7-foot Grammy statue in her living room. Natasha drops by with coffee.

“Think we overdid it?” Taylor asks.

Natasha smirks. “Not enough. Wait till you see what we have planned for the Golden Globes.”

Chapter Text

Sam and Loki, fueled by three Red Bulls, boredom, and a shared vendetta against Steve’s quiet dignity, plan the most cursed PR stunt ever:

• Loki shapeshifts into Steve wearing the Calvin Klein ad outfit.
• They hire a hyper-realistic Taylor Swift impersonator named Swiftaylor, who has 8 million followers and a law degree.
• The staged makeout session takes place in front of the Empire State Building at golden hour, with a full string quartet and doves released mid-kiss.
• Drone coverage, fake paparazzi, fireworks. There’s a smoke machine. A gospel choir appears. No one knows who hired them.

By the time the real Steve wakes up from his nap and logs onto Twitter, the top trend is:

#SteveCheatingOnBucky

#TaylorSwiftGate

#CaptainKissCrisis

Bucky walks in, sees the footage, blinks, and says flatly:

“I’m going to burn New York down.”

Tony screams with laughter and sends it to CNN.

Natasha adds it to her private “Steve Panic Faces” folder.

—

Clint put Strange in the vents.

Strange puts Clint in his villain origin story.

• He animates Clint’s reflection so his mirror taunts him every morning.
• He hexes all of Clint’s arrows to turn into wet spaghetti mid-air.
• He conjures an illusory rat that only Clint can see, and it follows him everywhere whispering “vent goblin.”

Eventually, Strange hexes the Tower’s espresso machine to explode whenever Clint gets near it. Clint now lives in fear. And decaf.

—

Title: “Mjölnir My Feelings (Iron Remix)”

• It’s part Norse mythology, part petty shade, all chaos.
• Tony raps like a divorced SoundCloud dad. Thor screams in Old Norse over dubstep.
• The chorus is just:
  “WHO NEEDS OSCARS, WE GOT TRAUMA”
  repeated 12 times.

The video includes:

• A goat on a hoverboard.
• Bucky breakdancing.
• Natasha in a throne of swords made of broken paparazzi cameras.
• Doctor Strange showing up uninvited and fireballing the set.

Pitchfork gives it a 9.5/10 and calls it “an act of sonic war.”

The comments are all just keyboard smashes.

Clint reacts live, then spontaneously nosebleeds from the bass.

—

The Avengers host the Golden Globes.

The ceremony never had a chance.

• Steve walks the red carpet in a sheer mesh shirt and loses 47% of the internet.
• Natasha brings three dates and flirts with all the press photographers.
• Thor throws one of the trophies because “it looked like a goblet.” It shatters.
• Tony hacks the teleprompter again. Every category becomes:
  “Winner: Taylor Swift, Honorary Avenger, Queen of Pop and Chaos.”
  They even invent a new award:
  “Most Deserving Human in History.”
  And give it to her. Twice.

Then Clint BASE JUMPS from the rafters yelling:

“FOR RODENT NATION AND CINEMA!”

…and lands in the buffet.

Sam and Loki, wearing fake mustaches, are caught trying to sneak a raccoon into the afterparty. The raccoon is also wearing a tuxedo. His name is Greg.

Doctor Strange opens a portal on stage and yells:

“ENOUGH!”

…and traps Clint in a swirling vortex labeled “Time-Out for Chaos Gremlins.”

Taylor Swift performs “Anti-Hero” and the crowd sobs.

Bucky, watching Steve smile at her, mutters:

“I will fight a pop star.”

—

Steve, in pajamas, opens Twitter to see that he’s trending again.

The hashtags this time?

#MeshSteve

#DaddyofDemocracy

#RodentNationRises

He sighs and eats a banana.

Tony busts through the wall dressed like a Grammy and screams:

“WE’RE HOSTING THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION NEXT, BABY!”

—

In a move no one was ready for (but somehow also completely expected), Loki announces he’s starting an OnlyFans account.

Except instead of posting content, he just shapeshifts into every Avenger imaginable and posts nothing.

“You want Steve Rogers? You got Steve Rogers,” he purrs in a livestream, now fully shirtless and blond.

“You want Hulk in a crop top? Subscribe.”

Fans lose their minds.

Steve faints.

Sam calls this “tax fraud, probably.”

Loki makes $3 million in 3 hours and does not apologize.

—

Natasha invites the actual Pope to her podcast.

They drink espresso, talk about moral ambiguity, and swap skincare tips.

The Pope tries to bless her.

She flirts. He blushes.

It becomes the most controversial and watched episode of Red Room Heat ever.

Clint appears in the background once, disguised as a marble statue holding a boom mic.

—

Due to what Tony calls a “minor PR opportunity” and what Steve calls “election interference,” the Avengers end up hosting the Presidential Election.

There are themed mini-games (“Pin the Tie on the Candidate”), confetti cannon voter check-ins, and Sam dresses up as the Statue of Liberty while demanding people do keg stands before casting ballots.

Thor tries to announce his candidacy live but gets distracted by a funnel cake.

Loki shapeshifts into six different third-party candidates and wins Delaware.

Bonus mayhem:

• Tony tries to turn the White House into an escape room. Secret Service is not amused.
• Doctor Strange attempts to hex Clint out of the vents. Instead, Clint turns invisible for a week.
• Sam and Loki prank call Buckingham Palace pretending to be Steve and Taylor Swift. They now have a standing tea invitation.
• Steve walks in on Bucky watching “Shirtless Steve vs Shirtless Loki” thirst trap edits on a loop. No one speaks of it. Ever.

Chapter Text

The Avengers hijack the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

What started as a simple “guest appearance” turns into an entire coup of the halftime show.

Tony hacks the stage lighting.

Sam flies the football into the audience.

Clint parachutes from the jumbotron dressed as a bald eagle.

Natasha does backflips across the field while carrying the Pope, who she invited again for reasons no one questions anymore.

—

Steve sings. Yes, sings.
After being dared by Taylor Swift (who is somehow on stage too).

Steve Rogers grabs the mic and starts singing a surprisingly sultry version of “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You.”

The crowd dies.

Bucky ascends.

Loki faints in the shape of a folding chair.

—

Thor rides a lightning bolt into the stadium.

Literally.

The power grid goes out for 30 minutes but no one’s mad because he lands on the 50-yard line doing air guitar.

Then he shouts, “NEW ALBUM DROPPING TONIGHT!” and throws CDs into the crowd like they’re frisbees.

One hits Tom Brady in the face.

No one complains.

—

Bucky and Tony do an accidental boyband routine.

During a miscommunication involving pyrotechnics, the two end up back-to-back on stage doing synchronized moves to a remix of Beyoncé’s “Crazy In Love.”

Tony is THRIVING.

Bucky looks vaguely murderous.

They trend on Twitter under the hashtag #StarkAndSoldier for the next 72 hours.

—

Clint kicks the football straight into the moon.

This was not part of the plan.

Tony’s R8 explodes in the background.

No one knows why.

—

Dr. Strange opens a portal for crowd control.

Instead, it drops 500 screaming fans into the locker room.

Security cries.

Strange shrugs.

“Wong said this would happen.”

—

Sam and Loki streak across the field wearing only capes and glitter paint.

Loki yells, “I AM THE LOMBARDI TROPHY!”

Sam says, “We were dared by Taylor Swift and the Pope, don’t look at me.”

—

Halftime ends with a slow-mo group pose, fireworks spelling “Avengers 4 Ever,” and Steve picking Bucky up bridal-style as the field explodes behind them.

Taylor Swift high-fives the Pope.

The stadium roars.

The NFL files a lawsuit.

Chapter Text

The Avengers are officially banned from all stadiums in the United States.

The NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, and Monster Truck Association release a joint press release titled “The Avengers Are Never Allowed Back.”

Clint is personally named and banned in bold.


Steve asks if it includes high school gyms.

It does.

—

Tony forces the team to film an apology video.

It’s 24 minutes long.

There’s a neutral beige couch, one strategically placed house plant, and too many fake tears.

Tony opens with: “Hi sisters. We’ve made a severe and continuous lapse in our judgment.”

Natasha is visibly texting during her part.

Loki shapeshifts into Steve and says: “I’m sorry for being too handsome.”

Steve tries to walk out.

Bucky pulls him back into frame.

The video ends with Clint reading a passive-aggressive poem and Tony whispering, “Don’t forget to like, comment, and subscribe.”

—

Red Room Heat: Natasha invites Sam and Loki

The episode is supposed to be about “accountability.” Instead:

• Sam teaches the audience how to steal a car using a spoon.
• Loki admits he shapeshifted into Taylor Swift at the Grammys and accepted Steve’s award for him.
• Natasha says nothing for ten minutes and still carries the entire episode.
  It immediately becomes the #1 podcast in seventeen countries and gets banned in four others.

—

Clint tries to infiltrate the vents again.

Big mistake.

He’s greeted by a small army of Tony-trained IronCats — felines in tiny red-and-gold armored suits.

They hiss in formation.

One of them has a tiny arc reactor.

Clint is found four hours later, stuck in an air duct and muttering, “I’ve seen things. Things I can’t unsee.”

Tony livestreams it with the caption: “You mess with the vents, you get the paws.”

—

Steve posts his workout routine.

The internet combusts.

What starts as a “here’s how I stay in shape” video becomes instant gooning material.

He’s shirtless by minute two.

There are sweat drops. Veins. Close-ups of glutes during squats.

The internet breaks.

People start using #SteveSweat as a thirst tag.

Natasha comments: “I didn’t know this was OnlyFans content.”

Tony threatens to sue for mental damage.

Bucky is caught watching it on loop. When asked why, he just growls, “Research.”

—

Thor launches a new project: street interviews.

Armed with a selfie stick and a fur-lined cape, Thor announces “Midgardian Truth: A Series.”

He drags Bruce in as his reluctant cameraman and recruits Peter Parker as his assistant (he bribes him with pop tarts).

They storm Central Park.

• • Thor asks a jogger: “Do you believe in love at first lightning strike?”
  • To a mime: “Wouldst thou smash or pass Captain America?”
  • He proposes to a hot dog vendor mid-interview.    

Bruce quietly dies behind the camera.

Peter tries to intervene and gets shoved into a fountain by a guy wearing a “Make Stark Great Again” hoodie.

The video hits 18 million views in 24 hours.

People call it “confusingly erotic.“

—

Tony drops a diss track targeting Steve.

The title: “Stars, Stripes, and Delusion”

He goes full nuclear: “You might have the shield, but I built the tower / Only thing you lifted was America’s thirst power.”

He somehow gets Kendrick Lamar to feature on the second verse.

Steve watches it once, then calmly posts a thirst trap captioned “Didn’t hear you over the sound of my gym playlist.”

Bucky reposts it with: “Talk shit, get bench pressed.”

Tony responds by uploading an acoustic cover of his diss track — in a silk robe.

—

Nick Fury makes his first on-screen appearance.

It’s dramatic, of course.

A sudden thunderclap (thanks to Thor).

A cigar lights itself.

Turns out Clint blackmailed him into showing up by threatening to leak Tony’s classified S.H.I.E.L.D file (which includes: height insecurities, Google search history, and that one karaoke tape from 2008).

Fury storms into the Tower, looks around, and says:
“This place used to be a global defense hub. Now it’s a sex tape away from becoming a Bravo reality show.”

Then Clint drops from the ceiling with glitter in his hair, dressed as a rat.

Fury sighs.
“I need a new job.“

Chapter Text

Bucky launches his revenge campaign against Tony.

It begins with silence. Eerie calm. A suspicious lack of death stares.

Then he bribes Loki (with a $50 Sephora gift card and a promise not to snitch on the Asgardian Juice Cartel) to shapeshift into Tony and film a staged “accidental” public punch.

The video is captioned:
“Tony Stark Catches These Hands for Disrespecting America’s Ass 🇺🇸💥”

The clip goes viral. Tony is horrified.

Loki, still in disguise, attends a Stark Industries board meeting and fires the CFO.

Bucky posts a reaction video called “Oops 😇.”

—

Thor escalates the street interviews to Times Square.

Peter begs him not to.

Bruce claims he’s “busy with science.”

Armed with a microphone made out of Mjolnir and chaos in his soul, Thor descends on New York’s most unhinged location.

He interviews:

• • A man in a full Spider-Man suit who insists he is Peter.
  • A naked cowboy who challenges Thor to an abs contest (Thor wins, barely).
  • A group of tourists from Ohio who now think gods are real.

Peter gets chased by a guy selling fake Rolexes.

Thor ends the segment by proposing to the Statue of Liberty.

—

Tony gets revenge on Bucky by targeting Steve.

How?

By taking Steve on a “bonding road trip” (read: revenge trap) with stolen Asgardian liquor hidden in a Red Bull can.

Steve, blissfully unaware, gets absolutely wrecked halfway through Kansas.

Tony records it all.

Steve sings Taylor Swift songs, arm-wrestles a cow, and ends up accidentally marrying Tony in a cornfield chapel at 2am.

There’s a legal marriage certificate. Signed. With glitter pen. Witnessed by an Elvis impersonator.

Dr. Strange sobs into his Cloak of Levitation when he finds out.

“This is a violation of all timelines, common sense, and marriage law,” he says, before rage-portaling into Tony’s wine cellar.

—

Red Room Heat: Natasha invites Henry Cavill.

The episode is 48 minutes of Natasha flirting so aggressively it nearly sets the studio on fire.

Henry blushes a lot.

Natasha says “Do you like strong women?” twenty different ways.

At one point, Bucky bursts in and yells “ASK HIM IF HE PLAYS DUNGEONS & DRAGONS” and is escorted out by six security guards and one IronCat.

The episode becomes the most paused video on YouTube.

Steve refuses to watch it.

Tony adds it to the wedding playlist.

—

Steve finds out he is legally married to Tony Stark.

It happens in the worst possible way: during a “Reacting to Drunk Avengers Moments” livestream hosted by Thor and Loki.

The clip plays. The Elvis impersonator. The vows. Steve giggling “I’d marry you if you were the last billionaire on Earth.”

Cut to Tony popping champagne.

Cut to the legal document.

Steve freezes.

Loki whispers, “Oh, he’s going full Midgardian crash-out.”

• • He rips the mic off.
  • Smashes through a wall.
  • FaceTimes Pepper to scream “HOW DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN.”
  • Gets escorted to HR by Bruce, who brings chamomile tea and a therapy dog.

Meanwhile, Bucky watches the footage, slowly slides on his tactical gloves, and mutters:
“Okay. This means war.”

—

Bucky plots revenge — again — but Steve beats him to it.

Wracked with guilt (“I can’t believe I accidentally married Tony Stark instead of you.”), Steve goes to a luxury pet boutique and buys Bucky a Snow White cat with fluffy murder eyes.

Its name is Alpine.

She immediately hisses at Tony.

Bucky is in love.

Steve presents Alpine with the same energy someone proposes with.

Bucky stares at him for five full seconds and says:
“Okay, you’re still dumb. But this helps.”

They try to get Tony to sign the divorce papers.

He burns them.

—

Clint creates an illegal casino inside the vents.

He calls it “The Tight Hole.”

Entry requires a code phrase (“Rodent Nation Rises”) and an offering (usually hot Cheetos or stolen Stark tech).

Games include:

• • “Vent Roulette” (played with a Roomba)
  • Poker (no one knows how to play)
  • Russian roulette with water balloons filled with Tabasco

Natasha shuts it down after discovering Peter Parker running blackjack for a suspicious amount of cash.

Tony tries to regulate it.

Fails.

Ends up losing three watches and a hoverboard.

—

Sam and Loki become full-time paparazzi.

Their tag team name: “Lens of Mischief.”

Armed with a GoPro, invisible cloaks, and questionable ethics, they launch a channel dedicated to catching Avengers off guard.

• • They catch Thor shirtless lifting a parked car.
  • They film Bucky napping with Alpine (title: “Grumpy Assassin Has a Soft Side??”)
  • They get banned from Steve’s gym after filming his squat routine from under a bench.

Loki shapeshifts into a tree to spy on Doctor Strange’s morning skincare ritual.

The fanbase eats it up.

Tony offers them a contract.

Sam demands a private jet.

Loki demands vengeance for the last four episodes.

Both demands are approved.

Chapter Text

Natasha invites Michael B. Jordan to her podcast.

The episode is so hot YouTube demonetizes it before it goes live.

She greets him with a smirk and a glass of whiskey, and says:
“Let’s talk… body armor.”

The episode contains:

• • Ten minutes of flirty stares.
  • One intense arm-wrestling match (she wins).
  • Natasha asking “So, how do you feel about women who could kill you?”

Michael B. Jordan just says “Respectfully, ma’am, I welcome the opportunity.”

Steve watches half of it and passes out.

Bucky throws his phone into the East River.

—

Clint expands his illegal casino in the vents.

It’s no longer just a casino.

It now includes an underground strip club called:
“Shafted.”

He tries to hire Steve and Bucky as the main act.

Steve throws a protein shake at him.

Bucky considers it for five seconds, shrugs, and says: “Depends on the tips.”

Clint installs a pole made of repurposed Stark Industries tech.

Peter walks in and immediately walks back out, screaming “MY EYES.”

Alpine becomes the unofficial mascot and has a glitter collar.

—

Thor combines his YouTube series into one disastrous public event.
Welcome to:
“ThunderStreet Kitchen: Brooklyn Dog Edition.”

Location: The Brooklyn Bridge.

He hijacks a hotdog cart, yells “I HAVE CONQUERED THE MEAT TUBES!”, and proceeds to:

• • Grill hotdogs with lightning bolts.
  • Ask tourists if they’ve ever kissed a god.
  • Offer a child a hotdog, call it “a vessel of valor,” and name the kid his heir.

Peter is his assistant and ends up fire-extinguishing the cart.

Bruce turns up in a panic.

Doctor Strange rage-portals in to demand a permit.

Thor challenges the city to trial by mustard.

—

Tony sends Sam and Loki to spy on Steve and Bucky.

It’s a very poorly planned mission.

They’re hiding in a ficus plant in Steve’s apartment.

Loki shapeshifts into a cushion.

Sam forgets he’s mic’d.

Right as Steve and Bucky start maybe having a serious moment (emotional tension high, Alpine watching), Sam lets out a squeaky traitorous fart.

Everything stops.

Steve: “…Did my ficus just fart?”

Loki: “…It was the chair.”

Sam: “I HAVE LACTOSE ISSUES OKAY!“

They’re immediately found.

Loki gets thrown out the window and lands in a dumpster.

Sam is forced to do apology yoga with Bucky.

—

Tony finally signs the divorce papers.

It’s dramatic.

There are candles.

Champagne.

He makes FRIDAY play “Someone Like You” by Adele.

The moment he scribbles his name across the last page, he dramatically whispers, “Goodbye, my not-so-platonic Captain.”

Steve: “…We were never—”

Tony: “DON’T RUIN IT.”

But this isn’t about closure.

It’s about revenge.

Tony immediately pivots with a new plan:

“Get Doctor Strange to marry me instead.”

-Step 1: Send Strange a life-size chocolate sculpture of himself.

-Step 2: Invite him to “Tony’s Totally Not a Seduction Dinner.”

-Step 3: Play hard to get (fails immediately).

-Step 4: Photoshop fake wedding invites and send them to Steve with a winky face.

Strange: “This is harassment.”

Tony: “It’s love with a credit score.”

—

Taylor Swift invites the entire team to her Eras Tour.

Bad idea? Yes.

Iconic? Also yes.

Steve is hesitant, Bucky packs snacks, Natasha shows up in full Reputation-era glam, and Clint arrives wearing a friendship bracelet chainmail shirt.

Highlights include:

• • Thor catching a guitar pick midair and screaming, “I HAVE WON THE BLADE OF SONG!”
  • Sam joining backup dancers uninvited (Taylor let him stay).
  • Bucky being filmed by 38,000 fans during “Enchanted” and going viral for having the “face of a man who’s felt heartbreak in four wars.”
  • Tony releasing glowing Eras-themed drones mid-show.
  • Steve crying during “Long Live” and Taylor giving him a tissue on stage.
  • Loki replacing one of the backup dancers and flawlessly hitting choreo during “Look What You Made Me Do.”

Taylor’s post-concert quote:

“That was utter chaos. I want them at every show.”

Nick Fury reportedly texted “NO” seventeen times and then switched off his phone.

—

Steve tries to return the Eras Tour tissue.

It’s supposed to be a simple gesture.

He shows up at Taylor Swift’s apartment, tissue carefully wrapped in acid-free museum paper.

Taylor: “Steve… I gave that to you.”

Steve (dead serious): “But it’s yours. It holds sentimental value. I can’t… I can’t be the kind of person who just keeps someone else’s tissue.”

Taylor: “Steve, are you okay?”

Steve: “Honestly? No.”

Security thinks he’s a weirdly polite stalker.

Taylor ends up giving him a new tissue, signed, sparkly, and with the words “This is legally yours now” in gold ink.

Steve frames it next to his Medal of Honor.

Bucky refuses to discuss it.

—

Natasha invites Thor onto Red Room Heat and it goes VERY wrong.

The episode starts calmly enough.

Then she asks, “So, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done with Mjölnir?”

Thor laughs, wiggles his eyebrows, and accidentally calls the hammer to the podcast table — through the studio ceiling.

There is now a hole.

He also tries the “hot sauce gauntlet” and declares:
“THIS BURNS LIKE THE TEARS OF A FALLEN GOD. I LIKE IT.”

He summons lightning to “cleanse his mouth.”

The studio shorts out.

Natasha calmly sips her whiskey as sparks fly behind her.

Natasha: “Best episode yet.”

—

Sam and Loki host a “Just Dance Battle” Livestream.

It’s total anarchy.

The rules? None.

The chaos? Immaculate.

They gather all the Avengers in the rec room, plug in a 2014 Wii, and unleash hell.

Team 1:

Steve (mortified), Bucky (competitive), Bruce (reluctant)

Team 2:

Tony (cheating), Clint (shirtless), Peter (cracked on Red Bull)

Team 3:

Natasha (assassin grace), Thor (shirtless and oiled for no reason), Loki (wins by shapeshifting into Beyoncé)

Highlights:

• Steve doing “Rasputin” like it’s a military drill.
• Bucky and Natasha absolutely destroying “Toxic” and making the camera guy cry.
• Clint inventing “vent choreography.”
• Tony slipping on glitter and rage-quitting.
• Thor shouting “BEHOLD THE POWER OF DISCO!” and accidentally summoning a lightning storm that fries the TV.
• Sam trying to livestream on six platforms at once, none of which catch the actual dancing.
• Loki wins. Again. By existing.

The comments are unhinged:

“Steve Rogers doing Just Dance is the peak of cinema.”

“Someone put Bucky and Nat in a music video. Right now.”

“Did Thor grease himself?”

“Where is the Clint cut???”

“I saw God and it was Loki doing ‘Single Ladies.’“

Chapter Text

Taylor Swift hires Natasha and Bucky as backup dancers for a surprise night on the Eras Tour.

She says it as a joke.

Natasha and Bucky take it as a mission.

Two weeks later, they are in full formation for “…Ready For It?”

Natasha backflips in heels.

Bucky rips his shirt off mid-spin.

The stadium loses its collective mind.

Security Report:

• 143 fans tried to scale the walls of the venue.
• 6 parachuted in from a nearby building.
• One woman reportedly said, “I’ve never felt so alive. Or so bisexual.”

Taylor: “That was supposed to be a low-key show.”

Bucky (deadpan): “We don’t do ‘low-key.’”

Loki (from backstage): “Did someone say my name?”

—

Loki releases a 2026 calendar titled: “Twelve Faces of Mischief.”

Each month is a new Loki.

January: CEO Loki.

March: Pirate Loki.

July: Fireman Loki (illegally hot).

October: “Steve Rogers but with eyeliner and trauma” Loki.

December: He’s just wearing mistletoe and shame.

The calendar sells out in 4 minutes.

Sam: “I’m not saying I bought 12 copies… but I did.”

Steve: “Do we… need HR?”

Tony: “That is our HR now.”

Nick Fury submits a formal letter of resignation.

It’s just the words “I can’t” in Comic Sans.

—

Clint tries to expand Shafted into a franchise.

He pitches Shafted Vegas, Shafted Tokyo, and Shafted: European Tour.

Tony immediately offers to fund it.

Loki demands a royalty cut for the name.

Steve asks why it’s called Shafted.

Clint refuses to answer.

He starts filming a trailer inside the vents, with smoke machines, dramatic lighting, and guest strippers:

• Bruce (under protest, wearing a paper bag on his head).
• Thor (wields a Mjölnir-shaped glitter cannon).
• Sam (thought it was karaoke night and never left).
• Bucky (only because he lost a bet to Natasha).
• Loki (as everyone else).

Clint: “This is cinema.”

—

Loki tries to trademark the word “mischief.”

He submits the paperwork to five different trademark offices across realms: Earth, Asgard, Midgard, a suspicious Etsy shop in Brooklyn, and one sent via raven to an eldritch legal department that may or may not exist.

The paperwork includes:

• A 32-page manifesto titled “Why I Am the Blueprint.”
• A photoshoot of Loki dramatically lounging in a pile of stolen capes.
• A PowerPoint presentation in Comic Sans with bullet points like:
• “I invented chaos.”
• “I am the moment.”
• “Stop using my aesthetic for cottagecore TikToks.”

He’s rejected by every earthly court.

He responds by declaring war on Merriam-Webster.

—

Thor takes his Street Interview Series to Paris for a special “Love Episode.”

Bruce, the ever-suffering cameraman, is nearly tackled by three baguette-wielding grandmothers when Thor accidentally proposes to all of them in French.

Peter Parker (still unpaid intern):

“Sir, I don’t think ‘Voulez-vous coucher avec moi’ is what you meant—”

Thor (beaming):

“But the mustached man said it meant ’Do you believe in love!’”

Highlights include:

• Thor interviewing a mime, but getting increasingly aggressive when he doesn’t speak back.
• A surprise cameo by Lady Gaga, who somehow becomes his co-host halfway through.
• Bruce getting proposed to by a man in a beret who thinks he’s the reincarnation of Van Gogh.

At the end, Thor gives an impassioned monologue about love, lightning, and fondue. It trends #1 in 78 countries.

—

Tony tries to convince the Academy to let them host the Oscars again.

He shows up to the meeting shirtless, in sunglasses, and wearing a cape made of golden popcorn buckets.

Tony:

“You either let us host, or I will leak Clint’s full Shafted Strip Club musical number. Your move.”

The Academy:

“You were banned for life after Bucky accidentally suplexed Al Pacino through a table.”

Tony:

“We call that character development.”

He presents his pitch titled: “Oscars 2: Electric Boogaloo.”

Included:

• Musical opening by Thor and Taylor Swift.
• A live catfight between Loki and Ryan Reynolds.
• Steve doing live painting in a tank top (pure thirst trap).
• A Bucky/Doctor Strange dance-off (Tony’s personal request).

After being escorted out by security, Tony begins a Twitter campaign called #LetUsHostOrElse.

Chapter Text

Fans Rally Behind Tony’s “Oscars 2: Electric Boogaloo” Campaign
After Tony’s public meltdown over the Academy’s refusal to let the Avengers host again, fans absolutely lose it in solidarity.

Within 12 hours:

• A petition titled “Let the Avengers Host or We Riot” hits 5 million signatures.
• People flood Hollywood Boulevard dressed as Tony Stark, holding signs like “IRON MAN FOR OSCARS” and “GIVE ANTHONY STARK HIS MIC BACK.”
• Someone flies a blimp over the Dolby Theatre reading “LET THEM HOST YOU COWARDS.”

Tony is touched and immediately designs “Oscars 2” merch. It sells out in 4 minutes.

He prints his own fake Oscar with the inscription: “To me. From me. For being right.”

—

Steve and Bucky Plot Elaborate Revenge for the Spying Incident
After discovering Sam and Loki were spying on them for Tony (and hearing Sam’s fart), Steve and Bucky are done being nice.

They stage a “fake breakup” in front of a hidden drone camera Tony forgot to deactivate.

Tony, watching the footage in real time:

“No. No. NO. I SHIP YOU.”

Immediately after, Bucky and Steve burst into his lab wearing matching sunglasses and throw a bucket of glitter and expired protein powder at him while Alpine (Bucky’s cat) claws at Tony’s pants.

Steve:

“That’s for the everything you did to us, you little surveillance goblin.”

Tony is still vacuuming glitter out of his arc reactor three days later.

—

Natasha Invites Joe Biden to the Red Room Heat Podcast

This… was unexpected.

Highlights include:

• Natasha casually sipping vodka while Biden talks about Amtrak.
• Joe asking Bucky if his metal arm is dishwasher safe.
• A 20-minute segment where Natasha teaches the President how to use TikTok slang. (“No Mr. President, ‘rizz’ is not a new climate policy.”)
• Steve nervously hovering off-camera in case Bucky says something that gets them banned from America.

The episode ends with Biden fist-bumping Loki, who shapeshifted into Abraham Lincoln halfway through the recording.

—

Sam and Loki Pivot to a New Business Idea After Failing at Paparazzi.

After being banned from six different celebrity events and accidentally crashing a dental conference they thought was a red carpet, Sam and Loki realize: maybe spying isn’t their calling.

So what do they do?

Start a mobile relationship counseling service.

It’s called: “Love & Mischief: We Fix What You Ruined.”

Their promotional tagline:

“One’s emotionally intelligent. The other is Loki.”

Services include:

• Loki shapeshifting into your ex so you can yell at them.
• Sam playing acoustic ukulele while you cry.
• Aggressive advice delivered through interpretive dance.

Their first client is Scott Lang. They get him back with his ex.

Second client is Tony. They tell him to “marry himself” and leave.

—

Thor Kidnaps the President (for Journalism).

The second Joe Biden steps out of the Red Room Heat studio, Thor is waiting. Shirt half-buttoned, lightning crackling in the air, a mic in one hand and Bruce (still the cameraman) in the other.

Thor:

“MIDGARD KING! Answer me this: what is your favorite weapon?!”

Before the Secret Service can react, Thor whisks Biden down the street into a full-blown episode of ThunderTalk: Street Edition – Presidential Chaos.

Questions include:

• “Have you ever arm wrestled a frost giant?”
• “Do you think birds are spies?”
• “If you were a god, what would your domain be? Pick fast.”
• “Can you sign my hammer?”

Peter Parker, again roped in as “Assistant #1,” keeps whispering, “Mr. President, you don’t actually have to answer these.”

Biden, surprisingly chill:

“I like this one. He reminds me of a golden retriever.”

—

Steve Accidentally Breaks the Internet (Again).

Steve, encouraged by millions of thirst tweets begging for beard content, decides to post a wholesome beard grooming tutorial.

Unfortunately, Steve titles the video:

“Steve Rogers: Grooming Secrets Revealed.”

Within minutes:

• It trends #1 for the wrong reasons.
• Several major outlets misinterpret it completely.
• Loki live-reacts to it, sipping wine and dramatically gasping every 30 seconds.
• Tony makes merch that just says “GROOMING???” in bold red letters.

Steve, upon realizing the chaos:

• Immediately films a 30-minute black-and-white apology video.
• Dramatic piano music plays softly in the background.
• He stares into the camera, beard freshly trimmed, and says,

“I am…so sorry. I meant shampoo. I meant balm. I did not mean—look, I was just trying to show what I use on my face.”

At minute 14, Alpine walks across the screen. Steve says “thank you” to her. The comments lose their minds.

Bucky comments:

“the beard is innocent. but i am not.”

25k likes in 10 minutes.

Chapter Text

“Love & Mischief: Live @ Chuck E. Cheese”

Sam and Loki—self-declared Entertainment Moguls of Chaos™—announce their most daring venture yet: a live taping of Love & Mischief inside a Chuck E. Cheese.

• There are streamers, heart-shaped balloons, and one severely traumatized animatronic bear that keeps twitching every time Loki talks.
• Sam hosts in a velvet red suit. Loki shapeshifts into Sam’s suit but adds rhinestones and a plunging neckline. Sam is mad. Loki is hotter.

The episode features:

• • A “Spin the Dare Wheel” segment (Loki kisses the animatronic. It sparks and explodes).
  • Couples trivia, which ends in a laser tag shootout between the guests.
  • A heart-shaped pizza-eating contest (Loki cheats by making the crust disappear with magic).

Thor, despite being officially banned, shows up wearing a trench coat and fake mustache.

He tries to disguise himself as “Thorny, the Love Wizard.”

Everyone knows it’s him.

He still gets five slices of pizza and wins the Dance Dance Revolution tournament.

—

Tony Tries to One-Up Steve (Again)

After Steve’s beard-grooming disaster went viral (and somehow made him even hotter), Tony spirals.

He announces his new YouTube series:

“IronGlow: The Ultimate Glow-Up Challenge”

Episode 1: “How to Be Hotter Than America’s Ass.”

It includes:

• LED face masks
• Cryo-facials
• A cameo from Rihanna where she just judges him silently
• A final sequence of Tony walking out in slow-mo wearing leather pants and angel wings (thematically confusing, visually powerful)

Tony:

“Take that, Rogers.”

Steve, watching the video:

“…Did he bedazzle his eyebrows?”

Bucky, sipping tea:

“Yes. And I’m still watching it again.”

—

Club VentZ: Grand Opening

Clint has done it. After months of vent-squatting and illegal fog machine use, he launches the world’s first fully-functioning Nightclub in the Air Ducts.

“CLUB VENTZ: WHERE THE HEAT RISES™”

Features include:

• LED lights installed behind Tony’s back
• Silent disco headphones (because no one’s supposed to know it exists)
• A “Rodent Nation” VIP section
• A live DJ raccoon (yes, it’s real, and yes, it’s wearing sunglasses)

Special Guests:

• Bucky (dragged by Natasha, immediately regrets it, dances anyway)
• Peter Parker (accidentally webbed to the ceiling, still has fun)
• Loki (shows up in glitter and turns all the drinks into shimmering lava shots)

Tony finds out when his thermostat explodes from the energy usage.

He storms into the vents, only to be distracted by Clint yelling,

“THE BILLIONAIRE IS IN THE BUILDING!”

…and everyone screams like it’s a Beyoncé sighting.

—

Natasha’s Masterclass: “Persuade Like a Black Widow”

The mission: Get the Avengers back as Oscar hosts.

The method: Natasha’s podcast.

The victim—guest: The Head of the Academy.

Natasha sets the scene: dim lighting, two glasses of 80-year-old scotch, subtle espionage music in the background, and just enough thigh to cause confusion.

Mid-podcast, she drops the line:

“So tell me… how’s it feel knowing you robbed the world of cinematic excellence when you didn’t rehire us?”

The Academy head sweats profusely. Natasha doesn’t blink.

Then:

• Tony hacks the podcast feed mid-interview to play a supercut of their Oscar night highlights, including him kissing everyone and Thor twerking in a tux.
• Natasha sips her drink, shrugs, and says:
  “Look. The people want chaos. We are the chaos.”

By the end, the Head of the Academy is drunk, dazed, and slightly in love with Natasha.

Status: Pending Approval. But very likely.

—

Thor’s Street Interviews: Asgard Edition™

Thor, inspired by the success (read: utter chaos) of his NYC interviews, opens a portal and drags Peter Parker to Asgard for his most unhinged episode yet:

“Mortals Ask Gods: Existential Questions & Thunder Snacks”

Highlights include:

• Thor asking Odin’s statue, “Do you believe in me?”
• Peter nearly passing out from altitude sickness while interviewing a Valkyrie who only answers in battle screams.
• One Asgardian declaring Peter the “Spider Herald of Midgard” and throwing a ceremonial sword at his feet (Peter screams and cries).
• Thor starting a debate panel between a troll and a talking goat about whether Earth girls are worth the interdimensional travel.

Then Thor decides to hand out churros.

Nobody knows where he got them.

Peter sobs into one from stress.

—

Meanwhile, back on Earth…

Tony is still editing the Avengers Oscars Supercut 2.0 featuring:

• Natasha walking in slow-mo with a flamethrower
• Bucky doing finger guns in a tux
• Clint popping out of a popcorn machine yelling “BEST SUPPORTING RODENT”
• Loki shapeshifting into every Best Actor nominee mid-award

And Steve?

He’s been practicing how not to punch Tony when he finds out Natasha used the podcast for bribery.

—

After months of bribery, scheming, Natasha’s very persuasive podcast interview with the Academy president, and a small crowd of Loki cultists camping outside Oscar HQ chanting “LET THE GODS HOST,”

the Avengers are officially hosting the Oscars. Again.

It will not go well.

—

Red Carpet: Avengers-Style

• Steve wears a tux that makes the internet implode again.
  He tries to be modest about it. Bucky is not. Bucky threatens to fight E! News for zooming in on Steve’s chest.
• Clint shows up wearing a sparkly gold suit and rollerblades.
• Thor brings three goats and insists they are emotional support animals.
• Tony live streams himself walking the carpet, holding hands with a hologram of himself.
• Loki arrives wearing a gown that physically offends time.
• Natasha shows up fashionably late in a vintage black widow dress with literal red smoke trailing her.

—

Opening Monologue (They Try)

Tony tries to do a monologue.

Steve interrupts him with a “fun fact about the importance of cinema.”

Sam throws popcorn at both of them.

Clint screams “MUSICAL NUMBER” and the orchestra just gives up.

Suddenly, the lights cut out.

When they return, Thor is shirtless, holding a mic like it’s a hammer.

He screams:

“WELCOME TO THE OSCARS, MIDGARDIAN CLOWNS!!”

Everyone cheers.

Kevin Feige cries.

—

Notable Presentations

• Best Picture: Steve and Bucky (they try to be professional until the prompter glitches and Steve accidentally reads out “Bucky Barnes is the hottest Avenger.” Chaos ensues.)
• Best Costume Design: Natasha and Loki (they insult everyone’s fashion while dressed in matching designer chaos)
• Best Director: Tony and Doctor Strange (Tony tries to announce Strange as his “future husband.” Strange looks directly into the camera like he’s on The Office)

—

Intermission: What Even Was That?

• Clint attempts a vent descent to drop confetti on the crowd.
  He gets stuck midair.
• Sam and Loki livestream a red carpet roast from under the stage.
• A Taylor Swift hologram gives a surprise performance.
  Steve cries.
  Bucky cries harder.
  Thor screams, “I SHIP IT.”

—

Oscars: Avengers Edition (New Awards)

The Avengers hijack the official script and insert their own categories:

• “Most Likely to Cause an International Incident by Accident”: Winner – Thor (standing ovation from Asgard)
• “Best Shirtless Scene (Unofficial)”: Winner – Steve.
  Steve says: “I didn’t submit anything.”
  Tony says: “We all did for you.”
• “Most Chaotic Energy”: Tie between Loki and Clint. Clint accepts while stuck in a popcorn machine.

—

Aftermath:

• Beyoncé flees early.
• Meryl Streep becomes the new Winter Soldier (no explanation).
• The Academy accidentally gives all remaining awards to Taylor Swift “just in case.”

As the stage collapses and Bucky throws Tony into the orchestra pit, Steve steps forward to deliver a heartfelt speech that starts with:

“Art matters—”

And ends with Bucky kissing him on stage.

Tony faints.

Doctor Strange also faints.

Sam yells, “GAYS WIN AGAIN!”

—

Oscars Status:

• Banned from every future show.
• But trended worldwide for 9 days.
• Tony already filing paperwork to host the Met Gala next.

Chapter Text

The Avengers may have technically finished their hosting gig, but the real show starts once the cameras stop rolling.

Fallout Level: Global.

3 Minutes after the Broadcast ends:

• Tony is already tweeting “#BestOscarsEver” while getting forcibly escorted off stage by security for stealing the golden Oscar statues to “remodel the tower’s toilet handles.”
• Steve and Bucky disappear mysteriously.
  (They’re later spotted behind the stage making out next to Meryl Streep’s purse. She gives Bucky a thumbs up before walking away.)
• Loki shapeshifts into Guillermo del Toro and attempts to accept an award he didn’t win. The real Guillermo del Toro is too terrified to intervene.
• Clint is lost in the vents.
  Again.

—

After Party Plans:

The official Oscars after-party?

Absolutely not Avengers-invited.

Which means, obviously, they’re going.

Thor kicks down the door of the Vanity Fair party while yelling, “THIS IS A FEAST FIT FOR GODS.”

He’s wearing two tuxedos. On top of each other.

Natasha enters silently. Within 6 minutes, she’s on the VIP list. No one saw it happen.

She now owns the venue.

Sam and Loki film their entrance live, announcing:

“Welcome to Love & Mischief: Crashing The Celebs Edition – tonight’s goal is to get banned from Earth.”

—

Inside the After Party:

• Steve tries to apologize for the chaos.
  Gets interrupted by Dua Lipa asking for a selfie.
  Bucky threatens the lighting technician for putting Steve under the wrong spotlight.
• Tony challenges Pedro Pascal to a dance battle.
  Loses.
  Demands a rematch.
  Loses harder.
• Doctor Strange shows up, sees Bucky and Steve kissing again, sighs like a widowed Victorian wife, and vanishes through a portal.
• Clint finally emerges from the vents on the ceiling, tosses confetti on everyone, and yells:
  “THE NIGHT IS STILL YOUNG, AND SO AM I—technically.”

—

Oscar Statue Mayhem:

Tony somehow convinces everyone to “borrow” their Oscars so he can take a group pic.

He never gives them back.

Later, 14 awards are found floating in his rooftop pool.

Thor uses his own to crush walnuts.

Steve uses his as a paperweight.

Clint uses his in a game of street bowling inside the after-party.

—

Headlines the next morning:

• “Avengers Cause $2.5 Million in Damages at Vanity Fair Party”
• “Meryl Streep Joins Avengers (??)”
• “Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes Spotted Kissing – Internet Declares Global Holiday”
• “Tony Stark Wanted for Oscar Theft: ‘They Belong to the People!’”

—

Back at the Tower:

Natasha is on a Zoom call with Oprah.

Loki’s planning an after-after party… on the moon.

Steve is trying to scrub “Steve Rogers Grooming” off Google.

Clint’s underground strip club/casino/vent empire gains 12,000 new Instagram followers.

Tony is planning their next invasion: The Met Gala 2025.

The chaos never ends.

And that’s just how they like it.

—

Soon the Met Gala arrived…

Theme of the year: “A Love Letter to Timeless Elegance”

Translation (for the Avengers): “How badly can we mess this up?”

—

Tony Stark: Designer. Visionary. Menace.

Tony insists on designing everyone’s outfits himself.

Claims they’re “genre-defying masterpieces.”

In reality, they’re crimes against fabric.

• Steve Rogers walks the red carpet in a literal suit of armor with a train that spells “SEXIEST MAN ALIVE” in Swarovski crystals.
  Bucky short-circuits.
• Bucky Barnes shows up in a tuxedo made entirely of mirrors.
  Blinds at least six photographers.
  One woman faints after seeing his reflection from all angles at once.
• Thor is wearing nothing but golden lightning bolt nipple pasties and a floor-length velvet cape.
  He announces: “ELEGANCE IS A STATE OF THUNDER.”
• Natasha looks amazing. Effortlessly. Obviously.
  But she’s also holding a live falcon for reasons no one questions.
• Clint emerges from the MET ventilation system mid-carpet.
  Covered in glitter.
  Says he’s “part of the installation.”
• Sam and Loki come in matching leather bodysuits labeled “Love” and “Mischief.”
  They enter doing a choreographed slow-motion runway fight.

—

Red Carpet Interviews:

• Steve tries to explain his outfit’s “artistic message.”
  Accidentally says “thirst” instead of “truth.”
  Internet explodes.
• Bucky is asked if he’s dating Steve.
  He just smirks and walks away.
  The clip goes viral in under 30 seconds.
• Loki hijacks a Vogue livestream, shapeshifts into Anna Wintour, and declares:
  “The Avengers have redefined fashion. For better or for worse, mostly worse.“

—

The Exhibit Inside:

Things were already bad. Then Clint climbs the centerpiece statue.

He yells: “I AM THE GOD OF FASHION NOW.”

Tony lights his own cape on fire “for the aesthetic.”

Thor summons lightning.
Accidentally electrifies the chandelier.
Guests start slow-dancing under it anyway.

—

Celebrity Reactions:

Zendaya is amused.

Doja Cat joins Natasha and the falcon.

Timothée Chalamet proposes to Bucky mid-livestream.

Taylor Swift makes a dramatic entrance mid-chaos with her dancers, sees Steve, and goes, “Oh for f*ck’s sake,” before blowing him a kiss.

Kylie Jenner sues.

—

The Aftermath:

The Met Gala is declared a Level 5 Fashion Emergency.

Vogue releases a statement:
“This will never happen again. Probably.”

Steve accidentally signs with a modeling agency.

Clint is banned from the ventilation systems of all museums globally.

Bucky gains 7 million new Instagram followers from mirror-tux thirst.

—

Back at the Tower:

• Tony: “I consider this a success.”
• Steve: “Am I…a model now?”
• Bucky: “OnlyFans when?”
• Natasha: Already in a silk robe recording a recap podcast with Harry Styles.
• Thor: Has not stopped posing since the Gala.
• Loki & Sam: Currently uploading a “Behind the Chaos” vlog titled “We Ruined Fashion History <3.”

The team swears next year they’ll behave.

They’re lying.

Chapter Text

Steve Rogers: Runway Renegade

It finally happens.

Steve “America’s Sweetheart” Rogers is officially declared:

THE highest-paid male model in history. 

…after only two campaigns.

…both of which involved zero shirts.

• His Sexiest Man Alive cover sells out in under an hour.
• The beard is now legally trademarked.
• Kendall Jenner reportedly throws her phone into the Pacific.
• GQ names him “Hotter Than the Human Body Should Be Allowed to Be.”
• Bucky has not spoken a full sentence in 48 hours.

Steve reaction:

“I don’t even know how to pose.” (poses perfectly every single time)

“This isn’t even that big of a deal.” (breaks the internet)

Tony tries to one-up him by wearing only body paint to brunch.

He gets arrested by the brunch police (Bucky and Natasha).

—

Meanwhile… Clint.

Clint decides the Louvre is boring and needs bass.

• He breaks into the museum via the ventilation system (naturally).
• Hangs disco balls off priceless sculptures.
• Turns the Mona Lisa into a DJ booth.
• Hires Deadpool as security. (He gets distracted taking selfies with tourists.)
• The music is provided by a surprisingly good remix of “Single Ladies” and the Avengers theme song.

By midnight, thousands are raving under the Winged Victory of Samothrace.

Clint crowd-surfs while wearing a beret that says “ART CRIMINAL.”

Tony bails him out (again).

Then sues the Louvre for not inviting him.

—

The PR team finally convinces Thor and Loki to do something wholesome:

A visit to a children’s hospital. 

Simple. Sweet. Safe. Right?

No.

• Thor shows up riding a live goat (named Johannes).
• Loki shapeshifts into a literal Disney princess and starts performing Let It Go.
• Thor gives the kids electric hammers.
• Loki enchants the juice boxes so they refill endlessly.

Chaos Highlights:

• A toddler tries to summon lightning. Succeeds.
• A group of six-year-olds form a mischief cult and declare Loki their king.
• The hospital has to evacuate after Thor creates an indoor thunderstorm.

Natasha’s reaction:

“Never again.”

Kids’ reaction:

“Best day of our lives.”

—

Back at Avengers Tower

Steve is trying to model while wearing a hoodie that says “I’m Just A Little Guy” and it breaks Tumblr.

Clint is editing a Louvre rave aftermovie called “Museum Mayhem: Art? Never Heard Of Her.”

Loki is signing autographs for preschoolers titled “From Mischief, With Love.”

Thor is still holding Johannes the goat.

Tony is designing a cologne called “Rogers.”

Sam is screaming at everyone to sign a “No More War Crimes During Charity Events” waiver.

—

The episode drops at midnight.

Title:

“Red Carpet, Red Flags, and Rogue Fashion: The Met Gala Debrief”

Special guest: Harry Styles, who is still recovering from the experience.

Natasha: “Who was best dressed?”

Harry: “Honestly? Steve. But I think his abs were also wearing couture.”

Natasha: “Bucky almost punched a Vogue photographer.”

Harry: “That was you.”

Natasha: “Exactly.”

They discuss:

• Bucky wearing a suit made entirely of reflective mirrors (he blinded Anna Wintour).
• Thor bringing a sword (and trying to duel Timothée Chalamet).
• Clint accidentally swapping outfits with a waiter.
• Sam getting locked out because his suit was “too aggressively American.”

Harry Styles calls it “a night of sartorial warfare and softcore chaos.”

The episode hits 18 million downloads in 2 hours.

—

Tony Launches: “Rogers” (The Fragrance)

Tagline:

“He Smells Like Justice. Now You Can Too.”

Tony releases a luxury men’s cologne inspired by Steve:

• Notes of leather, oakwood, and tragic yearning.
• Commercial includes black-and-white footage of Steve slow-walking through rain in a tank top.
• Sells out in 43 seconds.

Tony’s net worth jumps 250%.

Bucky has a breakdown.

Steve doesn’t understand anything.

Steve, sincerely: “Wait, did I… sign off on this?”

Tony: “No. But I wore your flannel while developing it, so I think that counts as informed consent.”

—

Clint & Deadpool: DJ Duo of Doom

New DJ name:

DeadSilent

• Clint on beats.
• Deadpool on mic, vibes, and complete auditory destruction.

They book their first show as Coachella Headliner.

Within five minutes, the power grid shorts out.

Within ten, they remix the Avengers theme with WAP and Let It Go.

People LOVE IT.

They also fear it.

Deadpool wears a neon pink Deadpool suit with LED nipples.

Clint blindfolds himself for “dramatic effect” and still crushes the set.

Tony tries to sue them for unauthorized use of Avengers IP.

They release a remix called “Suck My Stark.”

—

Bonus Chaos

Bucky throws out every bottle of “Rogers” Tony sends him.

Steve accidentally uses it during a livestream and causes several fans to pass out.

Natasha invites Beyoncé for her next podcast and Thor demands to be there too because “she summoned the lightning first.”