Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Player: I am going insane

Sam: I've known that for a while

Sam: You don't try and date your furniture when you're mentally stable

Player: I haven't tried yet!

Player: It's been a few days and besides the first day I haven't put them on

Sam: Really?

Sam: You have so many attractive people living in your house and you don't want to see them?

Player: It's a lot okay

Player: Like I'm just supposed to stay quiet about all of this?

Sam: I mean

Sam: You don't have to

Player: What do you mean?

Sam: You've already told me this much, so what's the harm of telling me more?

Sam: It's not every day you have a friend who gets to date their furniture, why wouldn't I want to hear all about it?

Player: You realise if I start I won't be able to stop, right?

Sam: I am aware of your quirks

Sam: And I can't say I'm not really curious

Sam: Personally, if I had those glasses, I would really want to see what my bath looks like

Sam: My bath is a pretty sexy bath if I say so myself

Player: And you called me weird

Sam: Yeah, cause you are

Sam: I can admit my bath is sexy because at least I'm not trying to have sex with it

Player: I'm not trying to have sex with mine either!

Player: Not yet at least

Player: I don't know what they look like

Sam: This is what I mean

Player: I can't believe you are acting like you are better than me when you are actively trying to get me to bang my furniture

Sam: I am a complex woman

Sam: A complex woman who wants to see her bestie find love and see what it's like to have someone live out the life of those object romances we used to binge read in high-school

Sam: Omg remember those?

Player: I do

Player: But I'm not going to bang my door

Player: He's already friendzoned me

Sam: A knob put to waste

Player: You're a pervert

Sam: You're the one who implied they would bang their door if he allowed it!

Player: You would too if you saw him!

Player: That's something I should test

Player: Take a few pictures and see if they work

Sam: Maybe if you put the dateviators over the camera?

Player: I'm too deep into this

Player: Why do I let you convince me bad ideas are good ideas

Sam: I've never done that

Sam: Every idea I've ever suggested has been good

Sam: Except working at Valdivian

Sam: And I apologise for that

Player: Nah, its fine

Player: You did your best, it was just bad timing

Sam: Aren't you sweet

Sam: Talk to your furniture that way and I'm sure you'll have then in bed in moments

Sam: Instant threesome

Player: I truly have no choice here, do I?

Sam: Nope, not at all

Sam: Go and smooch a couch for me

Player: I'll put them on tomorrow

Player: It's getting late

Sam: Awww

Sam: Fine

Sam: You better keep me updated

Player: I will

Sam: And if there's any you don't want I'm sure I can suddenly need a new piece of furniture

Player: I'm not letting you bang any of my furniture

Sam: Fine

Sam: Could have been freaks together, but I guess you just want to be a freak alone

Player: You are one confusing woman

Sam: But you love me

Player: That's debatable

Sam: You're going to ditch me for your furniture

Player: I hope I do

Sam: YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO AGREE

Chapter Text

Player: Okay

Player: I did what you asked

Player: And holy shit my shower is hot

Sam: Sexy wise or temperature wise?

Player: Both

Player: Also that is why sometimes I wake up with no hot water

Player: Johnny's gone and used it all for himself

Sam: Johnny?

Player: My shower

Player: His name is Johnny Splash

Sam: JOHNNY SPLASH?

Sam: Like a knockoff Johnny Cash?

Player: Yep

Player: Even wants to be a singer

Player: Although he speaks like Elvis

Sam: Maybe that's why people get the urge to sing in the shower

Sam: Is his singing sexy?

Player: Not in the slightest

Player: But he's really passionate

Sam: Oh no

Sam: Your poor ears

Player: It's not that bad

Player: If I didn't want to hear him I could just date the glasses off

Sam: Let's hope you don't have to listen too much then

Sam: As long as his voice is sexy without the singing you'll be fine

Player: His voice is something

Player: But I'll have to put up with the singing

Player: I promised to help him get a career in it

Sam: YOU DID NOT

Player: He was just so sweet

Player: What was I to do?

Sam: The things we do for dick

Player: Don't act like this is that bad

Player: I just think he deserves to be happy

Player: That reminds me!

Player: I've got a picture for you!

Player: (Picture of Johnny Splash leaning against his shower head)

Sam: Omg

Sam: I see why you said yes to him

Sam: Omg is that a loofah rose?

Player: Told you he was hot

Player: And that voice

Player: He's so sweet with it

Sam: Must have made showering with him a delight

Sam: What's he like naked?

Player: You really are a pervert

Player: And I wouldn't know, I took the glasses off to shower

Player: But I am realising now that he's probably been looking at me showering for the last few years

Player: I need to invest in a shower curtain

Sam: Until that turns human too

Player: They still wouldn't be able to see me

Player: I met Johnny outside the shower

Sam: Guess that makes sense

Sam: But holy shit, if all your furniture is that fine, I wouldn't be able to control myself

Player: I have no idea how I am controlling myself

Player: I've been alone for too long

Sam: But you’ve got a chance to not be alone anymore

Sam: Just keep doing what you’re doing, helping him with his dream, and he’ll be in love with you in no time

Player: You’ve got high hopes for me

Sam: Someone has to

Sam: So go out there and woo your shower!

Player: What did I do in my last life to deserve this weird life?

~

Player: Progress with Johnny has been made

Player: We’re gonna get him on American Maestro, figure out how to let him sing a song for them without him leaving my house, and then I need to figure out how his singing abilities are gonna get way better in a matter of days

Sam: Sure you haven’t bitten off more than you can chew?

Player: When did I ever say I didn’t?

Sam: True true

Sam: So, what has the time together when not working on his singing career held for the two of you?

Player: A lot actually

Player: We’re talking about our families, I’ve shared some of my own hobbies, and I think we’ve been flirting?

Sam: You just think?

Player: It might have just been him being very southern?

Player: It’s hard to tell sometimes

Player: Remember, who are basically the only non professional relationship I have had since highschool

Player: How am I supposed to know what flirting is and isn’t?

Sam: Keep forgetting that

Sam: But I say flirt back a little, see if he’s into it or if he shuts you down

Sam: If he’s as sweet as you say, you will still be able to be friends

Player: What would I do without you?

Sam: Not get a boyfriend because you were scared of dating your shower obviously

Player: I take back any praise I’ve ever given you

Sam: I deserve that

Sam: Is showering any sexier now that he’s flirting with you?

Player: Not really

Player: I asked him about it and he says he mostly just looks away, but if I ever run out of something mid-shower, as long as the dateviators are nearby I can just ask him and he’ll hand another of it

Sam: I can’t believe I am jealous of you over a shower

Sam: He really is sweet

Player: That’s what I’ve been saying!

Sam: If he ends up not being into you, you need to send him my way

Player: He’s my shower, I think he’s stuck in my house

Sam: Then I’ll come over

Player: You live states away

Sam: I’ve done worse for hot men

Player: Thank fuck you didn’t get these glasses instead of me

~

Player: I am horrible at talking to people

Player: What was I thinking when I decided that trying to befriend and date my furniture was a good idea?

Sam: What happened?

Player: Johnny got pissed at me

Sam: For the flirting? 

Sam: I am so sorry I put you up to that, I shouldn’t have

Player: No, not that

Player: He liked the flirting, and I thought we were getting somewhere, but then I tried to bring up how he might need a lot of practice if he decides to send in his singing as it is, and then he started accusing me of being jealous

Sam: No way he did that

Sam: Did he force you out of the bathroom?

Player: No, it took a few minutes, but he collected his cool again and just said he was stressed, and that he needed some time to himself

Player: He said I should come back in a few days, but what if he doesn’t mean it?

Sam: Listen, I don’t know much about him besides what you told me, nut from what you have told me, I think he will accept you back

Sam: But he better do so after even more apologising

Sam: Or else I’m coming over and busting up his piping

Player: Please don’t break my shower I can’t take baths when I’m sad

Player: But thanks for being on my side here

Player: It means a lot to me

Sam: I’d do so anytime

~

Sam: Hey

Sam: I was curious about what you said, and I decided to watch American Maestro

Player: So you saw Johnny?

Sam: Yeah

Sam: Are you guys better now?

Player: Much better

Player: He gave me a better apology, and he wanted me to watch the episode with him because he wanted to share such a momentous occasion with me

Sam: I feel really bad for him

Sam: Being put on a joke reel couldn’t have been good for him

Player: He took it a lot better than I had been hoping

Sam: Wait really?

Player: Yeah

Player: After what transpired between us, he realised he wasn’t meant for a career, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t still love it

Sam: Aww, ain’t that sweet

Player: It is

Player: It’s good to see him so happy about his singing, I have actually grown quite fond of it these days

Player: I leave my dateviators right outside the shower these days, and sometimes, when the water pressure is low, I can hear just the faintest singing

Player: Odd how they work

Sam: I’m glad you love to hear him sing

Sam: Personally, I would not be able to handle it

Sam: You really weren’t kidding when you said it was bad

Player: Well I can

Player: And that is why he asked me to attend all singing events around the house to watch him

Player: As his partner

Sam: NO YOU ARE NOT JUST DROPPING THIS NOW

Sam: YOU TWO ARE DATING???

Player: I couldn’t find a good place to slip it in…

Sam: You should have interrupted me for that!

Player: To be fair, that whole lead up was super important

Player: We got together like right after that whole thing was settled

Sam: Indulged in some shower sex?

Player: NO

Player: We’ve not gone that far yet, he wants to be a gentleman about it

Sam: Should’ve expected that

Sam: But I am still curious so you better tell me all about it when you finally get there

Player: I’ll make sure to never tell you

Sam: Rude!

Sam: But yeah, super excited for you!

Sam: I can’t remember the last time I saw you actually date

Sam: But honestly kinda shocked you found love so quickly

Sam: Had I been you, I would have tried out a little more before settling

Player: Well

Sam: Well?

Player: Who says I have to say I’m done now?

Sam: I cannot let you break Johnny’s heart like that

Player: I won’t!

Player: But these objects don’t seem to mind polyamoury for the most part

Player: If love happens, I don’t want to say no to it just because I already love Johnny

Player: He’s fine with it

Sam: I am begging you to start conversations with the right information

Player: I should really do that

Sam: But if that's true, know that I am the number 1 supporter of your object harem

Player: What am I to do with you?

Sam: Give me all the deets!

Chapter Text

Player: When I was told I could see my objects as people, I expected them all to look human

Player: I was wrong

Sam: Omg what is it this time?

Player: I’ve got a catboy in my home

Sam: A CATBOY???

Sam: SHOW ME NOW

Player: I can’t!

Sam: But my picture…

Player: He was really upset I tried to talk to him without an appointment

Player: Said I needed to understand the importance of schedules

Player: But he said it like shhhhedules

Sam: Were he not a catboy I would find that very annoying

Sam: But its not everyday you get to meet a real life catboy

Sam: IF ONLY I COULD SEE HIM

Player: I was getting there

Player: So if I want a picture I have to make an appointment for it

Player: So I am meeting him at noon tomorrow

Sam: Having to schedule a meeting just to get a photo is insane

Player: I didn’t exactly get a choice

Player: I live with him, I would prefer him to not hate me

Player: I already don’t feel safe outside my home, I can’t feel unsafe inside as well

Sam: No, I totally get that

Sam: What kind of man makes you do that though?

Player: One who happens to be an object obviously

Sam: Wait let me guess what this is

Sam: Is this your clock?

Player: Was it the schedule thing that let you guess?

Sam: Kinda

Sam: Also the fact you’ve been obsessed with cat clocks since highschool

Player: How dare you

Player: It’s been since middle school

Sam: My bad for not knowing you at age 12

Player: Exactly

Sam: So who even is this guy? If I can’t have a picture, can I have a name?

Player: He says his name is Timothy Timepiece

Sam: That certainly sounds like a catboy clock name

Player: I kinda expected him to be cuter

Player: Anime sets unrealistic expectations

Sam: I’m sure you can worm your way in and show all his cute sides

Sam: At noon for some reason

Player: Guess I’ll be playing by his shhhedule for a while

Sam: What we must put up with for love

Sam: Get your weirdo harem by any means necessary

~

Player: The meeting went well

Sam: Didn’t you get fired?

Player: Not that kind of meeting

Player: The meeting with Timothy

Sam: Oh righttt

Sam: Do I get a picture now?

Player: Yes, I managed to convince him

Player: (Picture of Timothy looking rather refined with a pocket watch)

Sam: He looks like a gentleman

Sam: Wasn’t expecting that

Player: It makes his obsession with shhhedules make a little more sense

Player: It was all clocks and shhhedules and timeliness with him

Sam: You’re not gonna give up on shhhedules with him are you?

Player: Nope

Player: Join me

Sam: I’ll check my shhhedule

Player: Yeah!

Sam: So was this meeting just for the picture?

Player: No, he has also decided I need dating advice

Sam: That is probably good

Sam: You will need it

Player: I know, but I’d rather it not be said out loud

Sam: Yeah

Sam: That’s why I am messaging it to you

Sam: But I could send a voice note

Player: Please don’t

Sam: Fine fine

Sam: What kind of advice did he give?

Player: Why don’t you give your best guess given what I’ve said?

Sam: The advice was keep a shhhedule wasn’t it?

Player: Yeah

Player: Said I needed to keep a shhhedule no matter what or my date would hate me

Sam: That’s a bit harsh

Player: Well what else am I supposed to get from him? He obviously thinks shhhedules are the most important thing

Sam: All of this really diminishes the cuteness of a catboy

Player: Does it though?

Sam: You really are lonely

Player: Are you saying he’s not attractive?

Sam: That is not what I am saying

Sam: What I am saying is how do you find him cute? 

Player: He is so passionate about time

Player: Is passion suddenly not cute?

Sam: But passion about time?

Player: You should have seen him!

Player: He lit up when I understood what was being taught

Player: He is not as stuffy as he looks with his shhheduling

Sam: Well, if he is the catboy available, he will be the catboy you get

Player: I would choose him even if I had multiple catboys

Player: But I don’t think I own anymore cat themed stuff

Sam: Well, got your next meeting shhheduled?

Player: Yep!

Player: In a few days I am meeting him at 3pm

Player: And I’ll see what other advice he has to give

Sam: Think it will also be time based?

Player: Absolutely

Sam: At least you will get better at time management from all of this

~

Player: Just had the weirdest meeting of my life

Sam: Tell me all about it

Sam: I just had the most boring meeting of my life and I need some intrigue in my life

Player: You are stuck with boring job things while I am going on dates with my household objects

Sam: I can’t believe you are winning when that is what you spend your day doing

Player: But anyway

Player: Had another meeting with Timothy today

Sam: That sure does explain why the meeting was weird

Player: This one was on shhhedules again, and the importance of sticking to them even for momentary pleasures

Sam: I mean

Sam: That could be good advice?

Player: He was again, very excited that I was taking in what he was saying

Player: But he almost seemed excited in another way

Sam: YOU HAD A HORNY CATBOY IN YOUR PRESENCE AND YOU DIDNT START WITH THAT???

Player: I did start with that! 

Player: I said I had a very weird meeting

Sam: That did not prepare me for this news!

Sam: How did you get him horny?

Player: I didn’t!

Player: He made himself horny talking about shhhedules

Sam: IM SORRY WHAT

Player: I don’t really understand it either

Player: But to be fair, he was talking about how a good shhhedule would get anyone I wanted into my bed

Player: As long as I put time in my shhhedule for it

Sam: So what I’m hearing is you need to put some time in the shhhedule for your dear Timothy

Player: Timothy has shown no interest in me

Player: Just a whole lot of interest in shhhedules

Sam: Not even slightly interested in seeing where this could lead?

Player: Now I never said that

Sam: So why not go for it? 

Sam: Not everyone gets a chance to bang a catboy

Player: Good thing its me and not you doing this

Player: You would break at talking to a catboy

Sam: I would

Sam: I hate that you are living my dream in this scenario

Player: I’m not as much of a weirdo now

Sam: You still are, just I am too

Player: Damn

Sam: When is your next meeting with him?

Player: 9pm

Sam: That sure is late

Sam: You sure he’s not trying to get you into bed with him?

Player: No

Player: But it is safer to assume

Sam: Your loss

~

Player: I think he may be into me???

Sam: Fork found in kitchen

Player: That doesn’t even make sense

Player: But like, he let me touch his pocket watch

Sam: Is that a euphemism?

Player: No, but he cares so much about those things! 

Player: I would have never expected he would have let me touch them

Player: And then there feels like there was this push and pull of todays conversation

Player: And it wasn’t even about time this time!

Sam: Omg wait really?

Sam: Your objects surprise me more every day

Sam: What was the lesson this time?

Player: About holding a high standard of love for yourself so you can guarantee a high level of love from others

Sam: Damn

Sam: Thats actually really good advice

Sam: I’ll need to use that for my next date

Player: Wait til I put the cherry on top of this conversation

Player: He set it not knowing I would show up

Player: He wanted to see how much he could count on me

Sam: You need to get him in bed right this instance

Sam: He is so into you

Player: I feel like that's a jump

Sam: Who knows?

Sam: Do you have your next meeting shhheduled? Maybe you can ask him about it then

Player: Yes

Player: It’s tomorrow at 9am

Sam: Then you have to wait less than 12 hours

Sam: You’ll get your answer

Player: I hope he is as into me as you guess he is

~

Player: THIS IS NOT A DRILL THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Player: TIMOTHY IS PART OF THE POLYCULE

Sam: HOLY SHIT NO WAY

Sam: You really asked him about his feelings???

Player: Didn’t even have to!

Player: He shhheduled that meeting to tell me his feelings

Player: He was so romantic, calling me dear and telling me how calm he felt around me

Player: And want to know the best part?

Sam: Of course I do!

Player: He said that his heart beats not only with the clock now, but with my heart

Sam: I would have crumbled

Player: I did crumble

Sam: Were you able to shhhedule a date?

Player: No, but he did say he would make time for me whenever I wanted to spend time with him

Sam: Damn you just keep winning

Sam: That means you’ve got a lot of time for bedtime activities

Player: Oh I know that well

Sam: QUIT DROPPING THIS INFORMATION LIKE THAT

Sam: YOU BANGED THE CATBOY???

Sam: OR HE BANGED YOU???

Player: I was shocked as well!

Player: He even broke shhhedule for me

Sam: Tell me about it!!!

Player: Later! I promise

Sam: Meanie

Player: I’ve got things to do today

Sam: Is that thing your clock?

Player: Keep pushing and I won’t tell you anything

Sam: I can’t believe you are treating me like this

Player: I can’t believe I went from having my love life suck to having two boyfriends

Sam: You truly are living the life

Sam: And I would be if you TOLD ME WHAT ITS LIKE TO FUCK A CATBOY

Chapter Text

Player: I need to stop walking around with my dateviators on all the time

Sam: If I were you I’d sleep in them

Player: I can’t believe you make fun of me for my situation when this is the way you talk about my objects

Sam: I’m allowed to be horny as long as I don’t act on the horniness

Sam: But what happened this time?

Player: I was going to go do some stuff on my computer, job search, pretend to job search and instead play Cookie Clicker, the usual

Sam: That sounds like a regular day

Player: But I was wearing my dateviators and sitting in front of my computer was a person

Sam: You should be used to this by now

Player: I should be, but I just wanted to get on with my day

Sam: Was this person your computer? 

Player: Yeah

Player: Their name is Mac

Sam: Ohhhh like Macbook

Player: …

Sam: You didn’t realise that did you?

Player: Maybe…

Sam: This is why you need to tell me everything, so I can make all my great puns

Player: Bad puns*

Sam: Asshole

Sam: What were they doing on the computer?

Player: Just checking through files

Player: They told me that the way I organise files is very attractive

Player: Along with the way I double click

Sam: Sure they’re not your fanfiction?

Player: I am sure, they told me

Player: Just a sort of horny computer

Sam: Do I get my picture this time?

Player: Yep

Player: (Picture of Mac trying to pose for the camera)

Sam: Okay, first: Hot

Sam: Second: ARE THOSE LOADING SCREEN ICON WHEELCHAIR WHEELS???

Player: They are

Sam: If I ever need a wheelchair I need you to get me one with that wheel design

Player: Of course

Player: I won’t even question why I’d have to get you your wheelchair

Sam: Thank you

Sam: They must feel pretty lucky to be your computer

Sam: You’re always on that thing

Player: They do like the attention

Player: There is just one issue they have with how I use my computer

Sam: Is it the vast amounts of fanfic on it?

Player: No, they don’t mind that too much

Player: But they do mind the fact I haven’t updated their system in ten years

Sam: IM SORRY YOU HAVENT UPDATED THEM FOR HOW LONG???

Player: Like you haven’t gone ages without doing that as well!

Sam: I haven’t for like two years, but now knowing computers can be upset at that I am going to do it right now

Sam: But ten years is excessive

Player: I know

Player: I am a mess

Player: But Mac was so sweet, so I am going to do so the moment I have time

Sam: Which will be?

Player: Soon? I think we both need a little time to prepare for the fact this is actually happening

Sam: Are you just procrastinating?

Player: I’m not! I promise!

Sam: I better hear of them being updated soon

Player: You will

~

Player: Good news: I have updated Mac

Sam: Wooo!

Player: Bad news: I had to delete a lot of my fanfiction to make the space to do so

Sam: Nooo…

Player: But I was willing to do so for Mac

Player: I can always write more, but I have held Mac back long enough

Sam: That’s rather mature and poetic of you

Player: Had to get there eventually

Player: Couldn’t act like a teenager forever

Sam: Now you just have to go outside

Player: Now that’s a bit of a leap

Sam: You’ll get there eventually

Sam: So, what did the update do for Mac?

Player: Not too sure yet

Player: They said they needed the night to update

Sam: Ten years would do that

Sam: Mine took forever and I was only two years backed up

Player: Look at us, doing things for ourselves

Sam: And your sexy computer

Player: And my sexy computer

Sam: It’s so unfair that you have so many attractive people walking around

Sam: And this one thinks the weird things you do are attractive?

Sam: That’s the type of greed they talk about in the bible

Player: Don’t blame me

Player: Blame whoever gave me these glasses

Player: And also this house

Sam: But the computer has always been yours, which means Mac has always been yours

Sam: They’ve probably been crushing on you for years

Player: No way this is a crush

Player: They’re just kinda horny for good file organisation

Player: And their mouse is probably basically a penis/clit

Sam: When will you realise the only reason you had never gotten a date had nothing to do with looks/personality and everything to do with the fact you don’t talk to people?

Sam: I think they like you, and I also think you should tell them you are interested

Player: But what if they reject me?

Sam: We’ve been over this

Sam: If they do, you still get a friend

Sam: Take some risks out there

Player: Fine

Player: They’ll finish updating tomorrow, so I will try and make my feelings known then

Sam: You got this!

~

Sam: Sooo

Sam: How did the updating go?

Player: Really good! 

Player: Mac looks even better

Player: Not very different physically, but they look so much brighter, healthier

Sam: I can imagine

Sam: Imagine if your body wasn’t able to work at it’s best for ten years

Player: Never again am I going that long without updating my computer

Player: It was cruel of me to put them through that

Sam: I’m sure they’ll be very happy to hear that

Player: They were

Sam: Been having some heart to hearts, I see

Sam: Does this mean you were honest with your feelings?

Player: It does

Sam: Omg does this mean you are their partner now?

Player: Not quite

Sam: Not quite?

Player: Mac said that they also feel the same, but that it’s been a long time since they have felt so new, and would rather have a little bit of time to try out their new self, date around a little to make sure it is something they still want

Sam: Is that something you are okay with?

Player: Of course

Player: If they don’t want to date, I don’t want to force them into it

Player: And if they do end up wanting to date at the end, I don’t care if they decide to date around first

Player: Or even continue to date around

Sam: That would be quite hypocritical

Sam: I hope you two find answers soon

Sam: I want as much happiness as you can get

Sam: Even if that comes from objects that look hot

Player: Always gotta ruin the moment

Sam: You know it

~

Player: I’ve got my answer

Player: And another member of my harem

Sam: HAREM!!!

Sam: Finally something to lessen the sausage fest you’ve been dealing with

Sam: Maybe

Sam: Have you banged them yet?

Player: What kind of harlot do you think I am?

Sam: One that has banged their furniture before

Player: Touche

Player: But no

Sam: Boo!

Player: Know that the moment you get a partner I am asking about your sex life

Sam: I would tell you

Sam: Because I am a good friend

Sam: You haven’t even told me what kind of conversation lead to you two getting together

Player: Can never please you

Player: But it was pretty normal

Player: We spent some time apart, and when I next talked to them, they told me that they fooled around a bit, but that a serious relationship was something they were looking for

Player: They couldn’t stop thinking about me, and I couldn’t stop thinking about them

Sam: Are you their only partner then?

Player: Yes

Player: But I won’t be surprised if that changes

Player: Mac has a lot they want to figure out with their new update, and I am happy that they let me be by their side through it all

Sam: How sweet for the two of you

Sam: Can’t believe you’re on partner number three right now

Player: I can’t believe they all have black hair

Player: Do I have a type?

Sam: Hate to tell you this but your type is furniture

Player: Should have expected that

Chapter Text

Sam: Any special news about your furniture today?

Sam: I’m stuck in a meeting and I am bored so please say yes

Player: Depends on what you count as furniture

Sam: Objects in your home?

Player: Still not sure if this counts

Sam: Damn what is going on in your life right now?

Player: Today I found out that concepts also come to life with these glasses

Sam: Explain?

Player: Today I met the concept of luxury

Player: Her name is Lucinda Lavish

Sam: How did you get the concept of luxury in your house?

Player: It’s a damn nice house

Player: Mortgage is paid off and everything

Player: Is that not a luxury in today’s economy?

Sam: Okay yeah you got me there

Sam: But Lucinda Lavish? Is she different from the others in any way?

Player: She says she’s better than the rest of them

Player: Apparently she’s more expensive

Player: I don’t really understand though

Sam: Were you able to get a picture of her or did that not work since she is a concept? 

Sam: Honestly I am still confused at how your phone can take these pictures

Player: Skylar messed with my phone a while ago so she might have added a suspension of disbelief in it

Player: And taking a photo of Lucinda worked just fine

Player: (Picture of Lucinda posing sexily

Sam: HUBBA HUBBA

Sam: That woman is gorgeous

Sam: I see why she represents luxury

Player: I certainly wasn’t complaining when she appeared

Sam: I may save this photo for personal use

Sam: Those tits could inspire fantasies

Player: She called them her bazoomies

Sam: Only someone as hot as her could get away with that

Sam: Wait how did the conversation get to her bazoomies???

Player: She let me touch them

Sam: I need a house right this instant

Player: I can’t wait to see what our next meeting holds

~

Player: Turns out things only get better with Lucinda

Sam: Recap. Now.

Player: Okay, so she popped up again, went on her usual little tirade of how she was the best and could give me anything I desired, and next thing I knew I was in this weird fantasy sex dungeon

Sam: I’m sorry, what?

Player: I think it was just the dateviators that did it, like there was another space in a different dimension of my house

Sam: Sure, I can accept that

Player: What else are you to do?

Sam: Sign you up for therapy

Player: I promise this was as real as anything else I do with any of my other objects

Player: Then she started asking questions, about what turned me on, what were my greatest fantasies, the usual

Sam: Very normal conversation for someone you are meeting for the second time

Player: You’re just jealous

Sam: Of course I am

Sam: So you got to engage in more object sex?

Player: No

Player: But plans were made

Sam: When will this happen?

Player: Why are you so interested in my sex life these days?

Sam: Who else am I supposed to go to hear about having sex with objects and concepts?

Sam: Also my sex life has hit a wall and I need something interesting in my life

Player: Never thought there would be a day where I had a better sex life than you

Sam: And it seems I’ll never have a day where I get my answer

Player: I have no idea

Player: She just pops up whenever she likes

Player: What were all those dating lessons even for

Sam: It’ll keep you excited at least

Player: And scared

Player: I said some wild things to her

Sam: That’s my freaky bestie

~

Player: I got that answer for you

Sam: What answer?

Player: When Lucinda would be coming to rock my world

Sam: DID SHE COME?

Player: Multiple times

Sam: OHOHO

Sam: I get more jealous of you every day

Player: I’ll tell you about it later but currently I have thoughts I need to work through with you

Sam: I may be here to get horny sometimes, but at all other times, I am here to help

Sam: Lay it on me

Player: So I’ve never had sex before a relationship before

Player: Is it normal to be really loving and affectionate afterwards?

Sam: You made a mistake and crossed the line didn’t you?

Player: Surprisingly no

Player: It was Lucinda who acted this way

Sam: Oh shit really?

Player: That’s why I asked

Player: I wanted to know if it was normal for no strings attached kind of stuff

Player: Or if I might be on a bit of a streak

Sam: What kind of stuff was she saying?

Player: That she was made for me and that she was all mine

Sam: I am not too sure

Sam: There isn’t really a ‘normal’ way about it since everyone has a different relationship with it

Sam: Is this something you would want to continue as romantic?

Player: You know me

Player: I fall in love so easily

Sam: I have seen it time and time again

Sam: Considering she is the concept of luxury, I would lean towards her being into you

Sam: Luxury doesn’t scream “Half assed sex relationship” to me

Player: She does seem in love with me

Player: But I just had to ask

Sam: Considering your track record, I say you ask and if not, no strings attached sex is still great

Player: Thanks for the advice

Sam: If you want to thank me, you can always tell me what you and Lucinda got up to

Player: I expected nothing less from you

~

Player: This whole thing just keeps getting weirder

Sam: Wild considering you’re up to fucking concepts now

Player: It really is

Player: So Lucinda showed up again

Sam: I know where this is heading

Player: You don’t

Sam: Then you better start explaining

Player: She was saying that the night we spent together was the best she’s had, and again that she belonged to me

Sam: Not any weirder yet

Player: And then she started asking me who she was

Sam: …

Sam: What?

Player: Like who was she as a being, her concept when luxury fell apart

Sam: Okay you are so right

Sam: I did not expect this

Player: I panicked and said I really enjoyed our night too, and that I would love to keep doing what we are doing, but maybe as lovers

Player: Then she claimed that if that was my choice, then she loved me as well

Sam: So she loves you?

Player: Seems like it

Sam: I guess dating luxury means you deal with some odd things

Player: I really doubt this is the oddest thing I will deal with when it comes to the dateviators

Sam: Still doesn’t change the fact this is really weird

Player: Well I’m not going to complain

Player: Lucinda can be really sweet, and she’s really hot

Player: Just because the reason she loves me is a little odd doesn’t mean those are suddenly untrue

Sam: Well, if you’re happy, that’s all that matters

Sam: And at least you’ve finally got someone without black hair in your harem

Player: Not my fault I have a type

Player: At this rate that won’t even matter

Player: I’ll just be dating my whole household

Sam: And I will support you the whole way

Sam: Now go and enjoy your girlfriends bazoomies again

Sam: I have a meeting to ignore

Player: That’s my Sam

Chapter Text

Player: I’m not so sure friendship and love are viable for all of my objects

Sam: Is one of them an asshole?

Player: Oh there are plenty of assholes

Player: But this time I messed up

Sam: Oh no

Sam: What did you do?

Player: So I went to the kitchen cause I was hungry

Player: And then I saw a man standing around looking at all my cups and stuff

Sam: Is he the cups?

Player: He is dishware yes

Player: I tried to start a conversation, but he wasn’t too interested

Player: We at least shared a care of dishware at least

Sam: You like dishware?

Player: I like my plates

Player: They’re very pretty

Sam: The ones that just show up in your home sometimes?

Player: That’s his doing so obviously we both like them

Sam: Wish my plates bought more plates for me

Player: I thought this was going good, he even told me his name

Player: His name is Daisuke by the way

Sam: That’s a really pretty name

Player: Still, he wanted me to leave so he could continue to make sure nothing was chipped or whatever

Sam: Is this where everything started to go wrong?

Player: Yes

Player: I went to leave, and then I ended up tripping over my own feet

Sam: Oh shit

Sam: Did you break any dishes?

Player: That, I do not know

Sam: He wouldn’t let you know?

Player: He stopped me from falling and breaking any he had out, but by doing so he had put his body between me and the dishes, so I fell on him instead

Player: I apologised and asked, and he said no, but said he had been the one to chip instead

Player: Since he is my dishware, does hurting him count as damaging a dish?

Sam: DID HE LOSE A LIMB???

Player: No no no

Player: I think he just said chipped to insinuate he was hurt, but he didn’t look damaged like that

Sam: Oh thank god

Player: But I can’t be too sure since he shooed me out of the kitchen soon after

Sam: Maybe once things have calmed down a bit you can go check on him?

Player: I plan to

Player: I really don’t want him to hate me

Player: Especially since he is something I can’t really just get rid of

Sam: He won’t hate you as long as you are very apologetic

Sam: You can do this

Player: Thank you

~

Player: Okay

Player: He doesn’t hate me

Player: I think

Sam: And that means?

Player: I am now working for him to earn his apologies

Player: As he is still not healed

Sam: I mean

Sam: Not the worst thing that could happen?

Sam: What work does he have you doing?

Player: Today I washed some dishes for him, and tomorrow he is sending me on delivery duty

Sam: Don’t you have a dishwasher?

Player: Yeah

Player: That barely works because it’s from Valdivian

Player: Plus Daisuke just doesn’t trust him as a person

Sam: Of course the dishwasher is also a person

Sam: But that doesn’t sound too bad

Sam: How many deliveries has he got for you?

Player: I am not too sure

Player: He will give me more details tomorrow, but I doubt it will be too many

Player: I don’t have that much dishware even when he is buying me more

Player: Plus it certainly doesn’t hurt to have an attractive boss

Sam: Do you have a picture for me?

Player: Shit no

Player: I’ll get you one soon, promise

Player: Right now I am just trying to get him to like me

Sam: I shall wait patiently then

Sam: Until then I will go back to my job that I don’t have a sexy boss for

Player: Being unemployed is great

~

Player: Finished my work for the day

Sam: What type of deliveries has Daisuke got you doing?

Player: I had to deliver mugs to my coffee machine, Kopi, plates to my food, Mitchel, and glasses to my mini bar, Beverly

Sam: That’s not too much luckily

Sam: Easy day then?

Player: Somewhat? 

Player: I am trying to figure out more about Daisuke

Player: because surprise surprise, I am in love again

Sam: Didn’t expect anything else

Player: I tried my best to make sure he would rest while I was off delivering things, and learned he was not the flirting type when I was talking to him

Player: When I asked if he would say something sweet he replied ‘Sugar’

Sam: Yeah you had no chance not falling for him

Player: So then I asked around a little while I was doing my deliveries

Sam: Oooh

Sam: Do share the gossip

Player: Kopi says he doesn’t know anything but dishes, as he comes from a long line of very important dish people

Player: She’s real worried about him since he often ignores his health for the dishes

Sam: It almost sounds like the injury was good for him

Player: It’s cruel to say, but yeah

Player: Then I dropped off the dishes for Mitchell, who didn’t tell me much other than the fact I should appreciate Daisuke more and that Daisuke has spent years working hard at keeping the dishes in top shape

Sam: He must have been needing this break for years

Player: I agree

Player: Finally a dropped by Berverly’s, who told me that he was into poetry and that he wasn’t always like this

Sam: Now that is some useful information

Sam: Are you planning to use that information today?

Player: Not today

Player: I tried to find him again, but he didn’t show himself, so I will come back soon and see if he is actually looking after himself and if he isn’t, maybe I can write some poetry with him

Sam: Better get to practicing then

Sam: I still remember the horrible grades you got for our poetry unit

Player: I’m gonna write the perfect poem for Daisuke and you will eat your words

Sam: I will be looking forward to it

~

Player: I found Daisuke again today

Sam: Did you get to talk to him about poetry?

Player: I did

Player: I managed to get him to take a small break as he had been reorganising the cabinets and was about to do so again

Player: I brought up that maybe poetry was something good to fill the break with and we got to talking why he stopped

Sam: Care to share?

Player: He didn’t feel it had a purpose, as though it were wasting time

Player: He was very unsure if it was just because it was an art, or if he struggles with spending too much time on any specific thing

Player: He ended up shooing me away again, but I think I am making progress

Sam: Sounds like a real workaholic

Player: Don’t I know

Player: I told him I can help him if he lets me, and he was tempted

Player: I want to help him here

Sam: That is something so admirable about you

Player: ???

Sam: You love so easily, and that means you try so hard to help and please others

Sam: Sometimes that hurts you, but in times like this I am so proud to see how you flourish and love so truly

Player: You are too sweet to me

Player: I am just doing the best I can

Sam: One day you will learn to accept praise

~

Player: I talked to Daisuke again

Sam: Any new changes between the two of you?

Player: Yes

Player: He invited me to write poetry with him

Sam: Oh damn that was fast

Player: I was surprised too, but he set everything up, even with candles, before I was even in the kitchen

Sam: That sounds so romantic

Player: It was

Player: We just spent time quietly writing poetry with each other, for each other, and had I had him by my side I would have been much better at that poetry unit

Sam: Was I not romantic enough for you?

Player: Absolutely not

Player: You didn’t write a poem that ended by saying you wanted to have sex with me

Sam: HE DID THAT???

Player: Yes, but in a romantic, poetic way

Player: And unlike you, he likes my poetry

Sam: Another boyfriend added to the list

Player: Not yet

Sam: Really?

Player: Yeah, we were just enjoying each other’s company

Player: But the feelings are there and I doubt we’ll go much longer without acting on them

Player: But I did manage to get that photo

Sam: FINALLY!

Sam: Send it over

Player: (Picture of Daisuke looking up as he writes poetry)

Sam: Smash

Player: Not the word to say about a plate

Sam: Yeah I realise that now

Sam: Still really hot

Sam: And he looks happy and rested

Player: I am more than glad that he finally looks that way

Sam: Now you just have to see what your future holds with him

~

Sam: Any updates about Daisuke?

Player: Things are better than ever

Sam: I can guess the ending, so start at the beginning

Player: When I showed up in the kitchen today, he was waiting for me again

Player: He started by apologising how he acted at first, and that he is really happy that I pulled him from his work and forced him to think about his life

Player: He kissed my hand and asked me on a date

Sam: Oh how I wish I had your life

Player: Of course you do

Player: I don’t know if he always had these plans in mind, especially since he told me he had set aside time for our date, but that date happened to be very loud and in my bed

Sam: How cruel of you

Sam: Making me jealous and overexerting an injured man?

Player: He’s healed!

Sam: Saying nothing about my pain I see

Player: Good

Player: I don’t have to explain it to you

Sam: Asshole

Sam: You better be better to Daisuke at least

Sam: He sounds like he needs it

Player: No worries

Player: I am going to do my best to help him create a healthy work/life balance

Sam: Bringing good and happiness to your household

Sam: You deserve a harem more than anyone else

Player: Thanks babes