Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was cold and damp where Sirius lay in his cell. In a pile of dried blood. Fucking aurors and their “morals”. Fucking ministry. Oh he misses Moony. Why did everything have to fall apart. Dumbledore tricking Moony into helping recruit the werewolves. Wormy tricking him into handing over the title of secret keeper last minute. Wormy being a traitor. Lily and James dying. Everyone thinking him the traitor. Prongslet, Harry, being sent to live with Molly. Oh, what had went so wrong? Why why why why whywhywhywhywhwywhyyy?!
BOOM
Sirius startles out of his spiral as the wall on the opposite side of his cell bangs open, rocks flying. And well, now he really has to wonder if the family madness is hitting him doesn’t he? Because the person he’s staring at is a ghost of the past. He most certainly isn’t supposed to be alive much less here.
“Well? Get off your lazy ass! We’re about to have a little family road trip! Free warning, Narcissa is driving.”
Sirius feels his voice crack,
“What the fuck Reg”

“And that’s everyone that was invited! The parents were sadly just a bit too opposed to be included.” Regulus clapped joyfully after he’d ushered Sirius into a…muggle school bus…
He mentally facepalms. His families insane.
“Now let’s recap for my dumbass brothers sake! We’re going on a family roadtrip to destroy the horcruxs. The horcruxs are Voldies key to immortality. Ive already destroyed the locket and Andie snuck in and got Siris Godson. Now we only need to get the diary, the cup, the snake , the diadem, and the ring”
Sirius pales, “what do you mean you destroyed my Godson!?” He shrieks. Before Sirius can start spiraling for the who knows what time that day Regulus quickly responds, “no, we destroyed the chunk of Moldies soul that was in him. Harry’s fine.” He sighs in relief with the knowledge that his relatives didn’t go off and kill his godson, “thanks for scaring me to death” he grumbles, “your welcome~” crows Bella from the back of the bus where she’s holding a small blonde child. Sirius turns to Regulus questioningly, “ignoring your sudden revival from the dead why are Lucius and Bella here?” Regulus doesn’t even blink before responding in the most serious (sirius, ha ha) tone imaginable, “we have named Draco our new dark lord. He shall be our ruler. He is our, as the muggles call it, God.” “All hail the mighty Dragon” shout out the rest of the family. “Ah, so we have a new subject to worship.” “Yes, the child of the charming Narcissa and the beautiful Lucius!” cheers out Nymph. Little brat.
“So we’re killing voldie and going to act like crazy hooligans while also raising Draco to be an overpowered lord? Hmmm…I see no reason why not!” Sirius bounces excitedly. Perhaps life isn’t so bad?

“We’re going on a trip in our little rocket ship going through the skies wanted felons. We went into the study, and broke a locket, went into our own account in gringotts!” Cheered the brat and Bella along to the tune of a muggle song that was apparently “all the rage” and he was apparently a “stupid loser pants” for not knowing this as Nymph said and Bella attested (“yeah Siri! Don’t be such a stupid loser pants!”)
He remembers back when he was considered cool. Those were the days. The days when people weren’t trying to send him to Azkaban (again) for a crime he didn’t commit.
Ughhhhj, life is such a painnn.
At least Draco likes him… sweet little future menace to society. Ooo, he’s going to be such a good, umm, he means horrid and evil, tyrannical dark overlord. He’s a fast little thing to with good eyes.
Sudden realization hits him,
“My dragons to be a seeker!!” Cissa gasps joyful yet proud. “Huzzah!” Cheers the rest of the bus because they’re all chaos gremlins and this fixation on Draco is partially to feed that. (What?! Don’t say he was the only one thinking it!)

“And why do you need access to our-“ “Hello meet the Ang Gang! First we have Andie the Avatar! You all thought the blood traitors of the family were dead? Ha! Next we have Reggie our fire nation prince, he got his cold stare from his mother dearest. Then there’s Bella our fire nation princess, she’s off her rocker. Now Cissa may seem sweet and lady like but she’s an earth nation warrior. Siri is…a random water nation guy that knows how to wave a magical stick. Lucie is a water nation guy that can wave around a magical stick and kill people. Then we have our momo, the little nightmare critter of cuteness that we worship, Dray! Then there’s me the cool one, the all powerful earthbender that people keep mistaking for being fragile!” Nymph whined a bit at the last bit. She should feel lucky she wasn’t named Walburga, the nicknames are way less fun and there aren’t as many. “Oh, and the other people who married in are still on the bus, apparently Rodolphus wanted Ted to explain the mechanics of a bus to him?? I don’t know.” “Hey! Kid! Don’t talk-“ “hey! I’ll have you know that I am 14-“ “darling, what have we said about asking” “we don’t! Demands it is! You there! Find me a ring that matches this description!!” The brat demanded. She’ll make a great second in command for dray who is currently babbling happily about his favorite toy peacock as he watches the men slowly start to realize who they’re going up against. “Yeah…. We’ll go retrieve that ring I think…”

“Draco, dearest, you’re now 9 years old, why don’t you summon the snake, hmm?” Draco grinned cheerily, “why it would be an honor. Serpensortia” there was a flash before the serpent appeared, Bella sighed disappointedly “wrong snake, Sugar” draco looked a bit guilty before carrying on “one more time then. Serpensortia!” This time the correct snake appeared. Sirius is so proud. He wonders what it would’ve been like if he’d grown up in such a safe loving and healthy environment.
Crunch
Oop, sooo, turns out the first snake was actually a basilisk. Good news? The horcrux is gone. Like obliterated. Gone.
Yayyyyyyy…
…They’re going to run now…

Sirius Grinned as Tonks arrived back at the shrieking shack.
With the diadem.
Huzzah!
The joys of having a skilled metamorphmagus in the family. No offense to Draco or Narcissa but they don’t use the skill enough to convincingly play their roles just yet.
“I don’t suppose-?” “Yes, Harry’s alive and well. He’s apparently running a revolution against a pink toad. He’s to cool to have you for a godfather” Tonks sticks out her tongue to make it clear she’s joking about the last part.
“Brat”

“Harry Potter is dead!!”
Wow noseless Voldie is an idiot. Better for them he supposes. Now to send in Draco to put on a show.
1…2…3…Go!
“Hello, Mr Dark Lord, Sir, I’m Draco Lucius Abraxas Malfoy Black. I’m 17 and i’m afraid we have a conflict of interest, you see, I’m here to steal your job. Hopefully there aren’t any issues there.” Posh little git.
“How dare-!” “Avada-“ “you think that will work on me! I’m immortal you impotent-!” “Kedavra!” The noseless idiot fell.
Draco laughed behind his hand. Posh little git.
“Ha, you thought.”
“Huzzah!” Cried the family.
Sirius then noticed his Godson sitting up from where he sat in that motorcycle thief’s arms.
Then he realized his Godson is 17…
“Andieeee!! I’m olddddd!!!!”