Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Collections:
Anonymous Fics
Stats:
Published:
2016-06-24
Updated:
2017-07-15
Words:
9,540
Chapters:
9/?
Comments:
108
Kudos:
189
Bookmarks:
19
Hits:
3,420

vikingman

Anonymous

Chapter 4: aruarian dance

Summary:

In which Salire inadvertently plays host to the shitposting olympics, and everyone else is along for the ride.

Notes:

Salire is released weekly. I'm just going off from my uni experience - our student mag/newsletter was always published weekly.

I don't follow an updating schedule, just update whenever inspiration hits and this wouldn't leave me alone lmao---anyways, yayur early chapter

Chapter Text

Salire, Issue 12, 2016, pg. 54-56.  Crush on Campus

 

 

 

Heads up, Undercooked.  
Studies show that shaving one's head excessively
increases the chance of premature thinning of the hairline.
Sincerely, 
I Have a Bottle of Asprin, if This is Too Much Information For Your Primitive Brain to Handle.

 

Salire, Issue 13, 2016, pg. 54-56.  Crush on Campus

 

 

It's spelt As(s)prin.
Also that was uncalled for. 
What would your *father* say? (;
Sincerely, 
The Ladies Ain't Complaining
 

Salire, Issue 14, 2016, pg. 54-56.  Crush on Campus

 

 

 
My *father* would say that ladies 
NEVER complain about a guy--to his face. 
You know, in case he turns out to be a stalker or psychopath.
Which I think you might be.
Sincerely,
Do You Not Have Female Friends to Explain this to You

 

Salire, Issue 15, 2016, pg. 54-56.  Crush on Campus

 

 

Female friends.
Pity, As(s)prin, if the two of us were to use our fingers
to count all the women in our lives.
Because then you would only need a stump.
Sincerely,
Aloe Vera Will Not Save You from that Burn (;

 

Salire, Issue 16, 2016, pg. 54-56.  Crush on Campus

 

 

So you really are a stalker.
I would be disappointed, Underarm, if you don't already have my Socius No. 
Extremely disappointed indeed.
Sincerely, 
Better a Stump than Chlamydia 

Salire, Issue 22, 2016, pg. 57.  As Seen on the Interwebs

 

 

@Hotdogs5eva: My Mondays now consist of grabbing a hotdog AND a @Salire and tuning in to the Asprin-Undercut saga #aspercut

@Blu_Magic: @Salire I don't know who I was before #aspercut #nowkiss #theUSTisREAL

@balthier32: hey @Salire #aspercut is a hoax, right? 

@vierafran: went shoe shopping the other day and overheard a group of HIGHSCHOOL kids talking about #aspercut @Salire

@hyperion: what the hell is #aspercut ???

@squallL:  #aspercut is a hoax. that is all.  #whatever

@nunchakgal: @squallL shutuuuup omg #aspercut4eva #otp #aspercut

 

 

Salire, Issue 22, 2016, pg. 33-34.  Dear Salire

 

Dear Salire,

I don't know if it's a hoax or not, but for the past few weeks I have momentarily rediscovered a happy place to distract me from the impending moot me and some mates need to do, and that happy place is: *drumroll* being thoroughly entertained by messers Asprin and Undercut in your Crush on Campus column. We tune in every week for updates on the two, and frequently find ourselves stalking various members of Kappa Epsilon in the hopes of pinning down these two passive aggressive *expletive omitted*.  Just the other week we got into a heated debate on the authenticity of the messages sent back and forth. I really hope they aren't contrived, for then it would rob us of the meager ray of sunshine we've discovered in the cold abyss that is third year law.  

-Law Abiding Citizens

P.S. Is it too much to hope for names of the individuals involved?  Just to put faces to these names, the suspense is worse than waiting for our turn in the moot court. Honestlyyy....

 

Hi Law Abiding Citizens,

I'm so stoked you're enjoying that section--don't worry, your ray of sunshine is safe: all correspondences between both parties are legit! And I agree! Our team has not been this entertained or motivated to get work done since the Anth Dean streaked the Celestials-Knights Semi-Final. 

All the best for your moot!

-Salire

Salire's note: We can't reveal identities of the fellows involved, and we've also been informed by the President of Kappa Epsilon that trespassing of any kind will not go unpunished.  So please refrain. It's not worth sabotaging a prospective legal career over. 

 

Dear Salire,

I would like to nominate Asprin and Undercut for Love is Blind. 

-Avid Shipper

 

Hi Avid Shipper,

The nomination and seconding of said nomination need to come from Asprin's and Undercuts friends--as per the usual requirements for Love is Blind. I do appreciate your enthusiasm, though!

Who knows, perhaps Asprin's and Undercuts friends may rise to the challenge! *hint hint*

-Salire

 

 

 

Salire, Issue 25, 2016, pg. 33-34.  Dear Salire

 

I, Asprin, am not, nor would I ever be interested in participating in Love is Blind.
Especially as I already know that Underwhelming is a real *expletive omitted*
So it wouldn't really fulfill the requirement of a 'blind date', would it?
I mean if you paid me, it'd be a different story.

Over and out.

P.S. That was a joke. I wouldn't go on a date with that *expletive omitted* for all the gil in the world.  That money is better spent on creating cures for STDs.

Salire's note: Presented without comment

 

 

Salire, Issue 26, 2016, pg. 2. "Frat House Gets Behind Solaris Hospital Fundraiser"

"Fraternity members of Kappa Epsilon over the weekend traded their books for sponges to contribute to Solaris Hospital's effort to fight Pelvic inflammatory disease.  

Pelvic inflammatory disease, also known as PID, is a little known sexually transmitted disease (STD) that is actually a complication of certain STDS...chlamydia and gonorrhea....blah blah blah.

Kappa Epsilon Vice President Nyx Ulric, said the crew decided to hold the car wash to fundraise and spread awareness of the STD because 'interacting with the community' was an important tenet of the Kappa Epsilon philosophy.'"

Noctis rolled his eyes, scrunched up the newsletter and tossed it across the room into the bin.  Pelna, who was sprawled on Noctis' bed like he owned it, chewing gummy worms, held out the packet to Noctis.

"Told you he was a shit," Pelna said, chuckling at the deadpan expression on Noctis' face.  "'Interacting with the community.' What an asshat.  Point to him for this round, though. That was genius."

Noctis grunted in reply, took three blue gummy worms, and threw himself back into his essay.