Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

For the Love of China Doll

Chapter One

Oh no, how'd I sink so low?
Ain't got the patience, I need my medication
I need to crawl out, out of this hole now
Before the darkness grabs a hold and takes my soul now -Hollywood Undead 'Medication'

Something told Rico that it was going to be a weird day when he woke up, even if his routine had been normal so far (up at 6, risk life waking up Kowalski, fight Private for use of the bathroom, cook breakfast) call it instinct but something bad was brewing. No matter what Kowalski had to say, the supernatural was real, even if it wasn't such things as werewolves and vampires.

Thankfully, it was their hobby day, which meant he could sneak off to his studio and that would help put his mind at ease. He whistled a small tune as he set up the painting he'd been working on for years and mixed a few muted reds, the last few nights he had nightmares or maybe it would be better to call them memories. The room filled with a soul shattering silence once he stopped whistling, normally he wouldn't mind the silence but it left him with an unsettling feeling.

"Down in the dirt/With your blood on my hands/I blacked out/But now I do understand/That you were too good/For this world so you left it"

Better but not quite enough, a small half-smile pulled at his lips as he picked up the china doll sitting next to the CD player. The doll was all he had left of his first love, a singer named Reina, he had met her on an undercover mission at the club where she worked in Guatemala. He had been 21, young and stupid; the mission lasted only 4 months more than enough time to fall in love and make a thousand promises. It had been the greatest 4 months of his life and even to this day he remembered waking up next to her every morning and the feel of her lips on his skin.

He set the doll down carefully and moved back to the canvas inspired. Reina, the name alone was enough to set his heart ablaze, for years he'd been trying to capture her beauty on canvas, but it never seemed to look right to him. It always seemed like he'd paint her long, lush, dark brown hair either too dark or not dark enough, other times it was her wide amber eyes causing the trouble. In his memory, they were sparkling with life and burning with passion, but in his painting, they always turned out dull with the shadow of death. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to get lost in his memories of her hoping that this would be the day he would get it right.

It had been a typical Guatemalan summer night, just comfortable enough for bare skin and a single sheet in a small apartment with no air conditioning. Rico had recovered some time ago and the scent of sex was had started to dissipate, but now he found that he was unable to sleep. Instead, he found himself running his hand through Reina's long sweat damp hair, which still smelled faintly of the ginger shampoo that she used that morning during their shared shower. Her face was peaceful as she slept and he wanted to commit the image to memory. He blinked and amber eyes stared back at him through thick dark lashes.

"¿Qué pasa mi amor?" Reina’s honey like voice was dripping with concern under a layer of sleep. He took his hand back and she proper herself up on to her elbow causing the sheet to slide down and reveal her breasts and abdomen. His gaze fell to the raised line of skin that ran from under her left breast to just an inch or two above her belly button. There was another similar scar that ran below her belly button and a few more on her legs, the majority of her scars were on her back, including the one that matched his.

"No hay nada." He replied leaning over to capture her kiss bruised lips as a gesture of comfort and apology.

"No te me mientas." Her voice was sharp, but she didn’t push him away instead taking one of his hands into hers, reminding him that if they were to be together then they couldn’t hide things from each other.

"Renia…" It had taken nearly a month to gain her trust and he wasn’t about to lose it. He spoke when he found the strength to speak and she would kiss him after each sentence, thanking him for being honest and assuring him that she felt the same. They continued the pattern until they fell asleep, but not before she whispered the two words that he had only heard one other time after he had been taken from his family so many years ago.

"Rico! Snap out of it, we have a civilian to rescue." Skipper's harsh voice pulled him back to the present and he snapped back into the perfect soldier or close enough to the perfect soldier. He was at least lucky that he hadn't actually started painting. "Marlene was on her way to the store when she spotted Shelly, who lost her glasses, tripped on a wet cement sign and somehow got stuck in an iron fence early this morning."

"Shelley? You mean the crazy ostrich girl?" Private asked as they made their way to the back alley where Marlene was waiting with Shelly.

"Do you really want that question added to your naïve question file, Private?"

"No, sir."

"Oh thank goodness you guys are here! Don't worry Shelly, the Penguins will have you out in a jiffy. Do not panic." It was at that point Rico zoned out, just awaiting orders since that bad feeling had settled over him again.

"Hello." He rasped stepping forward to assess the situation and began to pull several small explosives from his pockets. Kowalski had developed them after a mission escape nearly killed them; the explosives should heat the metal enough that that he would be able to cut the bars with wire cutters.

"Skipper he's going to blow her to bits!" He chose to ignore Marlene's protests and got to work, just because he was a little off mentally didn't mean he was completely unstable and would kill someone for the hell of it Well…perhaps he should say that depending on the circumstance. He had already killed enough people when he was in Chile and it wasn't something he got much enjoyment out of. However, that certainly didn't mean a little torture and violence was off the table.

"No Marlene, but he will blow your mind."

"Rico's an artist when it comes to explosives; actually he's an artist when it comes to anything." It was nice to know his team trusted his judgment, Private’s reassurances were surprising but not unwelcome. He stepped back and pressed the detonation button, sure enough it had worked and in just 5 snips he had removed the bars trapping Shelly. The woman tumbled back and blinked owlish at him.

"See?" He glanced over to see Skipper nudge Marlene playfully before looking back at Shelly, he felt a bit sorry for her. It wasn't that Shelley wasn't exactly pretty, if she changed up her style a bit she would actually look quite cute. Short dirty-blonde hair that was a mess of curls, light blue eyes, and freckles dusting her nose; it was simply that she came across a little crazy. "Alright boys, time to slide out." Rico helped her to her feet and gave a small wave good-bye before falling last in line.

Once home, he retreated to his studio, that creeping feeling had gotten worse since that little rescue mission, and his head was starting to feel like it was splitting in two. Which was something he hadn't experienced in years, at least not since…no he couldn't go there. That was one memory he had all intention of keeping buried.

"Reina." The name fell from his lips and before he realized it he had picked that doll up and was holding it to his chest, running his hand over the blonde painted hair and down the pink silk dress. At one point the doll smelled like Reina, a bittersweet combination cinnamon, cloves, and ginger. When he had first spent the night with her she had made chai tea in the morning and it was then that he spotted the doll on the table. She had apologized and explained it had been a gift from her father before he had passed away and one of the few things Los Diablos let her keep when her mother sold her to them so she would have protection in return. Sometimes Rico would catch her talking to it when she was painting. He had asked her about it once when she was teaching him to paint and teasing him about his attraction to the color blue, going so far as to call him Starry Night while painting a blue swirl on his shoulder when he expressed that he found something about the night sky full of stars calming. She explained that the doll was her only source of comfort growing up and she liked to imagine that maybe there was some life in the doll, something good that was meant to be treasured.

Rico set the doll back down and collected his paints, maybe if he could hold on to all the good memories he could forget the bad ones. He dipped the brush in to some red paint, red as freshly spilled blood and touched the brush to the canvas. That single stroke was all it took and he fell in to that perfect trance, that perfect harmony that is only reached through creating.

"Rico?" Kowalski's voice reached his ears and pulled him from his work, the genius had sounded horrified and concerned. "Are you okay?" For a second he was confused. How long he had been painting? Certainly long enough for his back to start hurting, he stepped back to look at his friend, but caught sight of his painting first.

Everything was red, the entire scene constructed in all shades and tones of red. There was a soft rattle as the brush he was holding hit the floor and he fell to his knees seconds later. He had finally painted Reina, but why had he painted her like this? She was in her costume on stage at the club she had worked at and was stunning, hauntingly beautiful with one hand extending out to the audience. Only her face wasn't smooth and peaceful, instead it was twisted in to a scream and her neck was cut wide open.

His world was spinning and his mind barely registered Kowalski running over to him. "You forgot to take your medication again, didn't you?" It always amazed him how calm the older man managed to stay in these situations, then again he usually wasn't the one out of his head in these situations. "Stay with me Rico, just long enough to answer me question. Did you forget to take your medication today?"

Wake up at six, risk life waking up Kowalski, fight Private for use of the bathroom, medication, and cook breakfast.

"Yep." The word came out surprisingly clear despite how tight his throat felt, Kowalski hummed and slipped an arm around his back.

"Let's get you out of here and cleaned up." After struggling to stand on his feet everything became a blur and he could hardly recall what had happened other than Kowalski jabbing him with a needle and then dragging him to bed. He blinked over at the man sitting by his bedside with a book in hand, his mind growing cloudy; Kowalski must have given him a sedative.

"Doll?" That one word fell from his lips before everything went black.

When he woke the next morning, he'd gotten a stern lecture from both Skipper and Kowalski, especially when he admitted that he might have forgotten more than one dose of his medication. Although after Private had darted out the door from all the yelling their tones had gotten surprisingly calmer.

"Look, Rico, you have been through more than any human being should ever be through and there is no one who could come out of what you came out of with all their marbles. But you have to keep it together or CENTRAAL will put you away for good and that's the last thing I want to see happen." Skipper's words caused guilt to sweep through him; he owed both Skipper and Kowalski his life. "Now just as you're in charge of getting Kowalski's ass out of bed in the morning, he's going to be in charge of your medication. I hope that we won't have another repeat of what happened last night. Be ready in 20 minutes, we're going for a run." After Skipper left Kowalski handed him a glass of water and his medication for the day and after proving that he had swallowed it, the two got ready in silence at least until Kowalski broke it.

"If you ever want to talk about what happened in Guatemala, I'm more than willing to listen. In fact it might help if you talk to someone about it." Rico only nodded, not sure, if he'd ever take Kowalski up on that offer, even if the genius was his best friend.

They were just coming back from their jog, when Shelley came running over to the front door of the base with guitar in hand and upon seeing Rico began to sing.

"Oh I'm a freako for Rico! I'll give him a kiss on the cheeko! Then I'll do a silly dance for this flightless bird romance! Oh I'm a freako for Rico! A SECOND VERSE!" Rico stared in horror before bolting, not wanting to hear anymore. Then as if that awkward experience wasn't enough, not even 2 hours later she was ringing their doorbell again to drop off a sculpture of him made out of gum and a card that she had drawn with them kissing on the front. It seemed like Shelley was completely serious about wanting to give him a kiss on the cheeko and then some. This was exactly what he didn't need, who the hell thought he needed to be in a relationship anyway?

Chapter Text

I don't think it's very nice 

To walk around my head all night 
You got me tangled like a bread-tie twisted 
I don't think it's fair - Cage the Elephant "Walk Around My Head"

Shelly fell back on to the sidewalk as the bars were cut away, just thankful to be free at least until she looked up and saw her Knight in Shining armor. Her mind seemed to freeze in that moment and she forgot how to speak. Everything about him screamed bad boy-the scars, the mohawk, and the muscles, oh those muscles! He wordless offered her his hand and pulled her to her feet before waving goodbye. Couldn't he have stayed long enough for her to get his name? Wait, Marlene was good friends with the Penguins, at least it she assumed she was from all the times she had seen the brunette running over there.

"Wow, that Douglas is quite a man, don't you think?"

"Douglas? Oh, you mean Rico, right? The guy who's tall, tan has scars and is also sort of scary looking." Shelly nearly melted, even his name sounded attractive and daring. "Wait, do you like Rico?" the disbelief in Marlene's voice was a little off-putting, but maybe she wasn't in to the bad boy type and that was for the better.

"It doesn't matter though, there's no chance a dashing, brave, and handsome guy like Rico would ever go for a gawky, gangly girl like me." That was the truth; no guy could ever like her, she had been convinced of that her senior year of high school when she had been the only one her group of friends to never have a date or have a boyfriend. Even through college, she had hoped that there would be at least one guy who'd ask her out for coffee, but was always alone in the library.

"I'm sorry, it's just Rico? You like Rico?” Marlene’s tone of voice didn’t bode well of Shelly. Did Marlene not think she was pretty enough? Was Rico already seeing someone? Finally Marlene’s puzzled expression changed, “Well, you know what? I can kinda see it and I don't think he's seeing anyone. You have a fair shot at it." A smile broke out across Shelly's face at Marlene's words. She had a chance! "Listen, all you have to do is find an appropriate way to tell Rico how you feel."

"Appropriate, I can do that." Her mind was already racing with a hundred ideas; she'd definitely have to run to the store and buy some gum. After saying good-bye to Marlene and making a quick run to the store, she found herself back at her apartment staring longing out the window at the Penguin's apartment building. Tomorrow she would make her first move and Rico would be hers.

That had been an utter disaster, she had waited almost two hours for Rico and then he had fled before she started the second voice. Then when she had stopped by a second time, Skipper had answered and told her that Rico was unavailable. When she had inquired, further he had simply said that Rico was currently involved with someone else. Which couldn't be true, Marlene had told her that Rico wasn't seeing anyone. It was like high school all over again. She was on her way to work when she overheard Skipper and Marlene talking or more like arguing.

"Why did you do it Marlene? Why did you fill that daffy girl's head with the absurd notion that she and Rico could be an item?"

"They would make a very cute couple. Come on!"

"No chance, Rico's heart belongs to another."

"The doll Skipper? That's crazy!"

"Marlene, we're talking about Rico, crazy is just the top layer of that parfait." Shelly was confused and a little weirded out to say the least. Was it possible that Rico was really in love with a doll? She had watched shows where people had relationships with inanimate objects, but she really didn't think that it was possible.

That night she sat waiting by the window of her apartment with the blinds down and binoculars in hand, just hoping for one glimpse of Rico and this doll she had heard about. It was nearing midnight when she saw a silhouette on the roof of the Penguin's apartment. And there Rico was star gazing with a doll in a light pink dress.

"It's true…he loves a doll." Panic filled Shelly and she couldn't watch any longer something inside snapping. "This is totally insane because he should be in love with me." There had to be a way to get rid of that doll, because there was no way Rico would so much as look at her as long as that doll was around. And there was no way in hell she was going to let a doll get picked over her. Hadn't Marlene once mentioned that the Penguins left their door unlocked in case of an emergency? Which meant she could just sneak over and steal the doll right out from under Rico's nose. He would have to pay attention to her.

The plan was flawless, and she could get to look around the apartment and find out more about Rico. She waited two days before going through with it, hoping that maybe he would come to his senses before she would have to resort to theft, but that was asking for too much.

Upon entering the apartment she found herself a bit surprised, she had assumed that each of the men would have their own floors, instead of an open floor plan on each level. She noticed that the place was also impeccably clean and well organized, but that made her all the more nervous. Surely they would notice something was out of place or disturbed if she had to search more floors. Just as she was ready to move to the next floor she saw a flash of pink.

"Jackpot! Oh, I had no idea he was an artist, seems my bad boy has a sensitive side after all." She whispered to herself as she spotted the open sketchbook next to the doll on the coffee table. It looked like he had been drawing some type of dancer or maybe a club singer, there was something about the vague woman-like shape that reminded her of Jessica rabbit. But Rico had scribbled over it, making it hard to tell exactly who or what the image he was trying capture was. Temptation got the better of her and she flipped to the next page to see a portrait of a woman sleeping, she was clearly beautiful and Shelly felt a flare of jealousy. Was this Rico’s ex? Or maybe a one-night stand? Maybe this was what Rico saw when he looked at the doll and if that was the case then it would have to go. But how far did the obsession run? She flipped through more pages pleased to see that there were drawings of nearly everyone on the block, although certainly more of his teammates. A part of her really wanted to poke around some more, but now that she had the doll, there was no point in hanging around.

The next morning Shelly found herself staring at the doll, which had spent the night on her kitchen table. It really was a beautiful china doll, not what she had been expecting when Marlene said Rico was in love with a doll, it seemed like he had really taken care of it.

"Look, Rico and I are meant to be together, you understand." Something in Shelly's mind told her she was crazy for talking to a piece of porcelain wrapped in silk, but the way the doll's blue eyes were painted made her feel like it was alive in some way. Now that was an unsettling thought, she picked the doll up and for a moment considered throwing it to the floor so it would shatter and she'd never have to worry about it again. Only it felt wrong to break it, after all Rico seemed to have some major attachment to it and after a quick glance at the clock she realized that she was going to be late for work. She would figure out what to do with it after she got back.

"Until we find your doll, you can cuddle with my Lunacorn." Private's voice caught her attention as she made her way to the Penguin's apartment, she had been anxious to see how her plan was working and she turned the corner in time to see the youngest hold out a large purple plush unicorn, which Rico shook his head at, it broke her heart a bit seeing how down he looked.

"I just want China Doll."

"Buck up solider, I'm sure she'll turn up. Why don't you take a walk and clear your head, we'll give the base another look."

"Okay." The three went back to the apartment and she backtracked, ducking into the alley before Rico spotted her on the corner. Once he was passed her, she ran to meet up with him.

"Oh, hey Rico! What's got you down? Lost your girlfriend? You know if you're the market for a rebound relationship, I know a certain someone who could help you out. Hint. It's me."

"Heh, um…gotta go." Okay that was a little disconcerting, she thought as he began to walk away from her, a bit faster than necessary.

"Rico how amazing is it that I just ran into you and wasn't watching your every mo-OOF." Shelly tripped paying too much attention to Rico instead of where she was walking. Normally she would be embarrassed, but watching him practically run away from her only brought annoyance. Maybe she would have to rethink her plan.

"Hey, how's it going? I apologize for the earlier attitude. In fact, I'd like to be friends, what do you think about that?" In the back of her mind, she knew she lost it if she was talking to that doll as if it was a person. However, there had to be a reason why Rico loved it so much. "Great! So Rico, he's so focused. Any tips on getting his attention?" A long silence passed as she watched the doll intently, its pink painted lips seemed to be turning into a smile or was that a smirk. "What you think he's focused on you? As if. That's totally…true." She sighed in defeat, how could Rico not notice her? Was she that undesirable that a guy would pick a doll over her?

No, she couldn't just throw in the towel, it had only been a day, Rico would forget about that stupid doll. She should just throw the damn thing away now, that way there was zero chance he'd find it. Maybe if he didn't forget about the doll in a few days, she could return it, making up some story about finding it in the trash and then he'd repay her with a date.

She stuffed the doll in her closet and waited as that one day turned in to two, then three, and throughout those three days Shelly saw less and less of Rico. Although when she did see him, he looked tired, but he also seemed to be warming up to her, maybe he had started to forget about the doll and would soon be asking her out.

It was two in the morning when she heard the sirens, normally she would roll over and fall back asleep, but the sirens seemed to be getting closer and closer. Then came the yelling and hurried footsteps throughout the building prompting her to get up and grab a robe. Upon opening the door, she caught a glimpse of Marlene turning the corner of the stairs. She was quick to follow, her mouth dropping open in surprise as she joined Marlene outside. The whole block was standing outside watching as paramedics loaded one of the Penguins into an ambulance.

"He's my partner, I'm coming with him." Kowalski snapped at one of the paramedics, climbing in the back before they could stop him. Shelly's stomach dropped, what could have possibly happened? As far as everyone was convinced, the four men were practically invincible. Once the ambulance left everyone turned to Skipper who was standing on the sidewalk, an arm around Private's shoulders as the younger man clutched his plush unicorn against his chest. Which meant Rico was the one being rushed to the hospital.

"Skipper, what's going on? What happened?" It was Marlene who spoke voice wavering as she approached the leader of the now broken group. Without thinking Shelly drew closer as well, she even saw Julian and Maurice make their way over. Skipper swallowed thickly and it was then Shelly noticed his eyes were shining with unshed tears.

"R-Rico…he…he overdosed." With those words, Skipper broke down, a horrid half-sob tearing from his chest, and as those words settled over her, Shelly felt tears rolling down her own cheeks. This was her fault; she shouldn't have taken the doll. The first chance she got she would go and make things right.

Chapter Text

So sick he was gonna think
The good lord would come take him
I'm shaking him
Wake up you son of a bitch! -Fort Minor "Red to Black"

It had been at least 15 hours since Kowalski had gotten any sleep; he had only gone home once to shower and change. Skipper caught him in time to tell him that CENTRAAL had been informed of Rico's condition and he would be leaving for Washington D.C. in a few days. The odds of Rico remaining a member of the Penguins and at the very least a free man were looking slim; that was even taking into consideration if he ever came out of his coma. Private had tried to be optimistic, after all, it had only been a day or so, but no one knew how long Rico had been lying in his studio before they had found him.

A shiver ran down Kowalski's spine, he had actually been the one to find Rico, his friend's fingertips tinted blue and reaching out for an empty prescription bottle inches away as the Lady in Red screamed down at him. Why couldn't he have seen how much Rico was suffering? The Costa Rican was his best friend after all.

They had met 12 years ago when the team had consisted of Manfredi, Johnson, Skipper, and himself, he was fresh out of training and it had been his first major mission for the Penguins. The mission was to gather information on a criminal organization known as La Sombra del Diablo or The Devil's Own; instead, they found Rico, who was only 15 at the time, being used as a lab rat. He had been on Death's door when they saved him; in return, he joined CENTRAAL and became an official Penguin on his 18th birthday.

It had seemed odd at first, they were total opposites after all, but in other ways, they were nearly the same and like the last two pieces of the puzzle, they came together. Bonding over being cheated out of a childhood, terrible sci-fi and action flicks, sushi, and that touch of madness that made others nervous around them. They were incredibly close, which is why he just couldn't understand why this had happened. Had Rico overdosed with all intention of killing himself? Or was it a simple accident? Either way he couldn't help but want to blame himself and with that on his shoulders, he had never wanted a cigarette so bad in his life.

Of course what made it worse was his mind kept going back to if he hadn't woken up in the middle of night and noticed the distinct lack of snoring coming from the other room; he probably wouldn't be sitting in the hospital next to Rico and that was something he didn't want to think about.

Thankfully, he was pulled out of those thoughts by the sound of the door opening; he looked up expected Private or Marlene. Who he saw instead made his blood boil; he would have rather had Julian come through the door. "I really don't think you should have come here Shelly."

"I know I just wanted to see how he was, even though hasn’t been very long." She approached the bed slowly and Kowalski tensed, the hand he had over Rico's wrist tightening ever so slightly, thumb right set on Rico’s pulse because hearing it recreated on machines wasn’t enough. The blonde had been a major problem over the last few weeks. It was as if she didn't understand the meaning of the word no, although Kowalski would be a hypocrite if looked down at her for it. He had been chasing after Doris for years now.

"He's in a coma. The doctors don't know if he'll ever wake up, and if he does they have no idea what damage he might have." That was as watered down as he could get, even though he understood perfectly what was written on the charts and whispered to nurses. It filled him with terror. There was no way Rico could pull through this without any severe consequences to his mind and body.

"I'm sorry to hear that, I just don't understand why he'd do something like this to himself over a doll."

Before responding Kowalski had to count to ten, if Skipper were there they'd be admitting Shelly to the hospital. This had been the real reason behind their opposition to Marlene setting Rico up with Shelly; he was a damaged man, which made him a dangerous man, and Rico needed someone who understood that. Someone who could handle the sudden mood changes and insomnia filled nights.

"It's not the doll. It's the memories that come with it. He's been in love with the memory of a dead woman for 6 years." Color drained from Shelly's face at his words, something that he really should not have gotten enjoyment from seeing. Yet he still found himself talking, wanting Shelly to understand the pain Rico must have gone through. "I can't give you all the details, because quite frankly I don't know all the details.

“Nevertheless, 6 years ago Rico went on an undercover mission in Guatemala where there had been recent activity of an old crime syndicate that we thought had been taken care of in Chile six years before that. Anyway, his task was to protect a woman who had once been involved in one of the gangs associated in the syndicate. Actually she was in the same group as Rico, just in different parts of the country. Unfortunately, something went wrong four months in; Rico went off grid for seven days. When we found him in the same apartment, he was half out of his mind, covered in blood, and holding that doll as if it would crumble to dust in his hands with one wrong movement.

“All the information we got out of him was a name- Reina. She was the woman he had been sent to protect and she had been found dead in the apartment they had been sharing, she had been raped and her throat slit."

"Rico didn't…" Shelly trailed off her mind going the drawings of the woman she had seen in Rico’s sketchbook.

Kowalski shook his head, maybe he should be a little nicer towards Shelly, it wasn't her fault the doll had gone missing, causing Rico's past to come bubbling up. In fact, the psychologists at CENTRAAL believed that had been Rico’s breaking point.

"No, he just killed the bastards that did." He looked over at the man and felt his throat tighten. Hadn't Rico been through enough? Stolen from his family, forced to kill, and carry drugs. Then rather be killed for rebelling he was cut open and tortured, treated as even less than a lab animal for some scientist’s twisted vision. Kowalski’s throat tightened and his stomach turned. He remembered helping Skipper carry Rico out, feeling Rico’s blood between his fingers as he put pressure on open wounds. Rico had come a long way against all odds, but he would never really recover. Kowalski thought back to the other night, just a day before the overdose.

"Reina!" Rico's choked shout woke him and he stumbled out of bed to check on the younger man. It had been like this ever since the doll had went missing. They had looked high and low for her, Skipper even suggesting that she had been possessed and simply walked away. How that man was their commanding officer was beyond him.

"Rico?" Kowalski kept his voice soft and the man in question looked up at him as he leaned against the doorframe trying to rub the sleep out of eyes. It was a pitiful sight; he could see Rico trembling and covered in sweat, a far off haunted look in his blue-green eyes. "Do you want me to sleep here?" It was something they did when the other couldn't sleep or would have a nightmare. They'd share a bed or sneak down to the living room and watch TV together, more often than not falling asleep on top of each other. Skipper and Private didn't understand what it was like to be trapped inside your own head, unable to escape dark thoughts.

"Yeah."

"Move over." Kowalski had yawned sliding into Rico's bed -not giving it a second thought when he felt Rico curl up behind him, the warm of another body lulling him back to sleep.

"Kowalski?" Shelly's soft voice pulled him back and he blinked feeling wetness on his face. When had he started to cry?

"Sorry, it's just that Rico is my best friend. I should have paid more attention; I should have noticed how bad it had gotten. This is my fault." The words began to pour from his mouth and it felt like he couldn't stop them. He hated emotions, he could never figure out what to do, or how to react, even to his own.

"No, it's not your fault. It's mine." Kowalski wiped his eyes and watched in silent horror as Shelly opened her bag and pulled the doll out straightening the pink silk dress. He then stood from the plastic chair with wide eyes and took the doll, as if unable to believe it was real.

"How? Where?"

"I stole it, thinking that if Rico didn't have it, he would notice me." The anger didn't come; instead, it was like he had gone completely numb. Shelly had the doll all along; she could have given it back long before it had come to this. "I'm so sorry, if I had known; I would have never taken it." She was crying now, but Kowalski only shook his head.

"I think you should go." A heavy silence followed seconds after the door closed; leaving just Kowalski, Rico, and the doll that had started it all. The doll that didn't matter anymore, it was too late. At least he could stop blaming himself, but everything was far from over, it seemed they would just have wait it out. "Rico, I doubt if you can hear me, but- if you have to let go of anything, please let go your past and come back to your present, back to Park Avenue and the life you have here." The tears started again and Kowalski hardly noticed Private and Marlene enter the room. "Come back to me."

Chapter Text

All the words left unspoken
Are the pages I write
On my knees, and I'm hoping
That someone holds me tonight
Hold me tonight –Hollywood Undead "Outside"

The doctors all said it was miracle when he woke up; there had been no permanent damage, at least not physical damage.

Even now, 2 weeks later, he couldn't find an explanation for what had happened or what he had been thinking. Other than, he had wanted the memories to stop, the voices to stop, he had just wanted everything to stop. He spent a week in the mental ward going through countless rounds of therapy before he was released only to learn that CENTRAAL had ruled him temporarily unfit for duty and would have to go to HQ for an evaluation, which that was only a week away. Fear passed through him at the thought; if he wasn't cleared he would probably be discharged and tried for crimes against humanity.

He could only hope that the agents in charge would see that he had gotten better and wasn't a danger to himself or others. Mostly because he had gotten better even if he couldn't say so outright, in his coma he hadn't been able to escape the memories he had been holding back and now was at peace with what happened, to an extent or almost not at all. At least he didn't lose his mind; he could go back and pull those memories forward.

The walk to the apartment from the bar wasn't horribly far; maybe four blocks if that, still he had been hesitant about letting Reina walk it alone. The leader of her old gang had been getting closer to finding her and the second he did, she would be dead. It had easily been his biggest fear a week into his mission. The second Reina had thrown her drink in his face for trying to be fresh with her, he had bought her a second drink in apology and then found himself falling in love with each conversation and stolen glance.

It was a crazy notion to worry about her, after all Reina could hold her own, anyone who was one of La Sombra del Diablo could. That was something he knew from firsthand experience, he had swallowed thickly the memory of his initiation to the group trying to creep into his mind. Instead he had focused on how Reina had pinned him to the floor after catching sight of the branding on his back despite the fact that he easily had 100lbs on her, but something kept gnawing at the bad of his mind.

Then upon seeing the small apartment building, he ran, suddenly fearing the worst. He should have never let Reina leave without him as he took the stairs two at a time until he reached their floor. His stomach dropped as he reached the door to their apartment to see it wide open. It looked like it had been forced open. Entering the apartment with caution Rico realized how quiet it was, every part of him was praying that the splatters and smears of blood he had seen among the broken glass and knocked over furniture belonged to someone else. After clearing the kitchen and living area he went to the bedroom, it was still too quiet, and he prayed that maybe Reina had only been knocked out or hiding, but and what he found made him sick.

He approached their bed slowly, doing his best to ignore the way Reina’s legs were spread and her clothes torn. With a trembling hand he reached out and closed her eyes, fingers trailing down to cheek (her skin was cold, too cold) stopping before the cut stretching across her neck.

Rico let go of the memory, coming back to the present and taking comfort in the harsh sounds of New York and the bitter chill of the wind as he sat on the edge of the pool watching the water ripple and morph the moon's reflection into odd shapes. His fingers twitched and he fought the urge to charge downstairs and smash the doll to pieces, something he had wanted to do upon seeing it when he woke up. It made him sick to think about how attached he had gotten to it, how he twisted the memory of the woman he loved and put it in to a piece of porcelain. Death certainly had a funny way of putting everything into perspective.

The sharp yet musty scent of cigarette smoke assaulted his senses and he looked over to see that Kowalski had joined him at the pool, only he was wearing shorts so he could dip his legs in to the water. He frowned at the sight, if there was one thing Rico couldn't stand it was cigarettes; smoking was a disgusting habit in his opinion, but more importantly how had Kowalski snuck up on him?

"Gross." he grunted causing the taller man to look down sheepishly as he tapped the cigarette and watched the loose ash fall.

"Sorry, Rico, you just missed a big fight and my feathers have been in quite a kerfuffle as of late."

Rico knew exactly who and what the big fight was about. At first coming home had been heaven everyone had been there to welcome him back. It was nice feeling, but after the first day, everything started to change. Everyone was cautious around him, choosing words carefully, and popping in at random times to ask if he was okay. It was amazing he had been able to use the bathroom without someone going with him. Private had even followed him to his studio when he had a moment of time to cover the painting of Reina up only to see that someone had beat him to it.

The worst was how they tried to ask the one question that everyone wanted to know the answer to, but they never asked him outright. As if they didn't believe that he did not intend to kill himself, he had never been the suicidal type. Or maybe he should say the worst was how Skipper would talk like he wasn't there; Private would do it at times, but not as often as Skipper. Like no one on the team trusted him outside of Kowalski, which to be honest wasn't a surprising reaction, but after 12 years he found it rather insulting.

"About me?" he finally asked and Kowalski let out a long-suffering sigh confirming what he already knew.

"Yeah, but it's not your fault, Skipper is blaming himself and Private…well you know." It was Rico's turn to sigh then, it wasn't that Private hated him. The youngest member of the team just didn't exactly trust him; they had every different backgrounds and had grown up in very different environments and had very different attitudes about what was right and what was wrong. They were at odds most of the times and Rico had no doubt that Private believed he was completely off his rocker and should be put away.

"Yeah, can't help it." And he couldn't, he'd been taken from his family and home in Costa Rica to be turned into what was essentially a child soldier by the La Sombra del Diablo until he made his first kill and was branded a sinner, making him one of them.

"Don't take it to heart, if Private even had a life like mine he would be more understanding. It might be easier if you just told everyone what happened." Kowalski voice was soft and Rico knew what the older man was referring to. It wasn’t often Kowalski spoke of his childhood especially of the times after his mother’s death.

"Can't, don’t remember.” It wasn’t the whole truth, it was more like there were just holes in his memory, spots of lost time.  Still Kowalski smiled at him sadly accepting the answer before grinding his cigarette out.

A heavy silence lingered between them, it wasn’t that there wasn’t anything left to be said- Rico just didn’t know what could be said. And he would have to say something to even have the slightest chance of staying on the team, there was so much against him that CENTRAAL could easily rule him permanently unfit for duty and unfit for society.  He’d be put away where he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself or anyone else. Which might actually be for the best when he considered how many people had gotten hurt or worse from getting to close to him, people like Reina and before that, Miguel his true first love that no one knew about.

“Hey,” Kowalski whispered and Rico nearly jumped out of his skin when Kowalski’s hand brushed his. "I won't let them take you away and if they do, they better have room for me."

Rico let out a shaky laugh before pulling Kowalski into a hug. He was surprised when Kowalski returned it and didn’t seem to care that he was crying into his shoulder. When had he even started crying?

"Thank you." The words were garbled but he knew Kowalski could understand what he had said. It was an echo of the first words he had ever spoken to Kowalski.

“No need to thank me, we’re Penguins and Penguins-”

“Never swim alone.” Rico finished pulling away from Kowalski, vaguely wondering what Skipper would say if he had been there to witness their little moment. He’d probably scold them for being so unmanly and the thought made Rico smile. He only had a week until his evaluation and if at least one of his teammates believed in him, he would accept whatever decision CENTRAAL made.

Just a little over a week later CENTRAAL’s decision had Rico at The Groove celebrating that the whole team had believed in him and spoke on his behalf, earning him what was essentially probation. There had been a fair number of tears shed, not that anyone outside of the team and CENTRAAL would ever know.

He had been amazed at how Skipper and Private had jumped in to defend him after Kowalski had given his statement, then all three of them had threatened to walk if they took him off the team and out of the program. It was one of the first times in a long time he felt like he was valued as person and not just another tool.

Still he felt off as if he had been trying to fill a hole with an ill-fitting piece by forcing it in, but finally it broke free and was now rattling around to remind him that something was missing.

Of course, watching Marlene drag Skipper out to the dance floor from his spot at the bar helped stir the odd feeling. And while Private attempted to be Kowalski’s wingman in the man’s pursuit of Doris, was worth a chuckle or two, in combination with all his thoughts of Reina and if he was brutally honest with himself also thoughts of Miguel in the last few days, it lead to a bitter realization. He missed and craved companionship, something that it he couldn’t have or at least it seemed that way.

“For a free man you seem to be… how they say… down in the dumps.”

Rico turned back to the bar in time to see Julien set some type of fruity cocktail in front of him. He couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow in suspicion, it wasn’t that Julien wasn’t capable of being nice, it was just that his majesty was often too wrapped up in himself to notice others. The denial was on the tip of Rico’s tongue when Julien shook his head.

“It is not wise to lie to a king, it is even less wise to lie to me. Now tell me, why do you look so… not happy?”

Rico glanced at his teammates once more before turning his attention back to Julien and accepting the drink that was not nearly as sweet as he expected it to be. Kowalski had always offered to listen whenever he needed to talk, but Rico knew there were some things that he couldn’t talk about…at least not with anyone on the team. Perhaps Julien would be just as good of a listener.