Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Gon heard the whistle of air half a second before the ball crashed into his chest.

“Ooof!” He stumbled back a few steps, oxygen vanishing from his lungs, but by some miracle managed to keep his grip on the yellow and black striped ball.

“If you keep getting lost in thought, Gon,” said a booming voice. “I’ll aim the next one at your face.”

Gon grimaced. His chest ached dully where the ball had made contact, but he really wasn’t surprised by that. Everyone knew Razor had the strongest throw for miles around.

“You could’ve—ow—warned me,” Gon said with a wince as he rubbed one hand over his chest, right over his heart. “You know I can catch anything you throw at me.”

Razor’s already broad smile widened. “It’s your job to pay attention to what I do and say. I told you the first day you got here, I won’t go easy on you. Especially after what your father told me.”

Ging, Gon thought, lips twisting.

Ging was Gon’s father in name only. Gon had been just a baby when Ging left him to Aunt Mito’s care and Gon had only met Ging once in person. Razor, on the other hand, had been Ging’s business partner years ago. So when Gon began searching for a part-time job, Razor recruited him at once.

It wasn’t a bad place to work; the Greed Island Indoor Sports Arena was spacious and had everything under the sun that an adrenaline junkie like Gon could ever want to expend energy. Gon got to test out all the equipment, talk to customers, and even play in a few games hosted there.

And the best part? Killua could visit and hang out with him while he was working.

Gon glanced to his right. Killua was sitting a good distance away in the stadium seats, legs propped up on the chair in front of him, a book in his hands. He looked up as if feeling Gon’s eyes at him and smiled slightly. He lifted one hand in a small wave.  

Gon’s chest tightened; it was amazing how normal Killua looked like that. No one would ever suspect that Killua was dying by the second.

WHOOSH—

Gon’s head snapped back around. He slapped his hands around the ball a half-second before it slammed into his nose.

“Good,” said Razor approvingly as Gon slowly lowered his arms. “That’s much better. How does that one feel?”

“Ummm—” Gon tossed the ball back and forth between his hands. “…this one’s a little flat, I think.”

“Hm. Put it to the side, then. You can add air to them after we’re done with the pile.”

Gon groaned. Razor’s ‘pile’ was over a hundred dodge-balls. They’d gone through only ten so far. At this rate, he’d have no time to hang out with Killua before nighttime—

“Is something wrong?” Razor asked, already grasping a new ball in his hands.

“No…” Gon grunted as he caught the ball tossed at him. His fingers were already starting to sting from the force of Razor’s throw. “It’s just. I thought I might leave early today.”

Razor tilted his head to one side. “You never ask to leave early.”

Gon gripped the ball tighter. “I know.“

“And you’re never this distracted during work, either.”

Gon gritted his teeth. He never had a best friend ready to suffocate for someone Gon never met before, either.

Instinctively, his gaze darted back to Killua, only to find an empty chair.

Gon’s heart shot straight up into his throat. He whirled around in a circle, ball falling from his numb fingers and landing on the nylon grass with a dull thud. 

Where had Killua gone?! Gon thought wildly. What if he choked on those fiery flower petals, what if he needed Gon’s help and Gon wasn’t there, what if—

There was a flash to Gon’s left and he zeroed in on it immediately.

There was Killua sprinting up the stadium steps as fast as he could, taking two at a time. There could only be one reason why Gon’s best friend was in such a rush.

Dread pooled into Gon’s gut and his stomach rolled. 

“KILLUA!” he yelled desperately and his voice echoed off the walls. 

Killua almost tripped at the sound Gon’s shout. But he made it to the door at the top of the stairs without falling, throwing Gon a murderous glare over his shoulder.

Gon’s mouth went dry—not because of Killua’s fury, but because of the ashen color of Killua’s cheeks, the slight sheen of sweat that made his entire face shine, the way his legs trembled like he was too weak to stand…

And then Killua turned the doorknob and vanished into the hallway.

“Razor,” Gon said before the door shut. “Can I take my break now ple—”

“Tell me why you can’t focus, first,” Razor’s loud voice cut through Gon’s panicked question.

Gon stilled. He slowly turned around to face Razor once more. His boss wasn’t smiling anymore.

“It’s because of your friend,” Razor asked, but his tone left no room for argument. “Isn’t it.”

Ice shot down Gon’s spine. He shouldn’t spill Killua’s secret. It wasn’t right. But at the same time—

At the same time, he and Killua had so little time left. And if Killua was stuck in the bathroom, heaving over a dirty sink and spitting out bloodstained flower petals, Gon should be there with him.

Gon swallowed. It wasn’t a choice at all, really.

“Yes,” he admitted reluctantly. “Killua’s the reason I can’t focus. But—please, please don’t make him leave, Razor. I would be even worse without him here.”

The expression on Razor’s face was unreadable. After a tense pause, he said, “Your friend’s been here nearly as often as you, Gon, and his presence has never affected your work quality before. But today—today you’ve looked over at him at least once every five minutes. You don’t hear half of what I say and you can’t stand still for more than a few seconds.”

Gon felt the blood drain out of his face. He hadn’t realized he was so obvious. But he had never exactly been subtle. Killua had told him that more times than he could count.

“There’s something wrong with him, isn’t there?” Razor continued. “You’ve never acted like this around him until now.”

Pain resounded deep within Gon’s chest, the kind that had nothing to do with the ball Razor had hurled at him less than ten minutes ago.

Gon’s eyes dropped down at his sneakers. Hot pressure began building up behind his eyes and his throat burned. He had to struggle to keep his voice even as he whispered, “Killua has Hanahaki.”

His confession was met with silence. Gon didn’t raise his head, not wanting to see the sympathetic way Razor had to be looking at him. He didn’t want to be reminded of the frustration and sadness he carried around him everywhere like a shadow.

No matter what Gon did, nothing affected the Disease killing Killua from the inside out. Even worse, Killua didn’t want his help. He flat out rejected Gon at every turn. And it hurt knowing that one day soon, Killua wouldn’t be at his side to laugh at his jokes or walk home with Gon from school. There was a part of Gon that existed solely because of Killua’s friendship, because of the immeasurable and priceless impact Killua had made on his life, and he didn’t know what would happen to that part of him once Killua was gone.

Gon’s nails dug into his palms. He struggled to breathe normally.

Killua was leaving Gon, and he wasn’t putting up any fight. And Gon didn’t understand—

“I’m not surprised. It makes sense in a twisted way.”

Gon’s head snapped upwards. Razor’s mouth curled down in a rueful frown, muscled arms folded across his chest.

“W-What?” Gon stuttered. What did that mean?! “How does Killua having Hanahaki make any sense—?!”

“What I mean,” Razor interrupted. “—is that your friend gives one hundred and ten percent of himself to the people he cares about. His devotion to you, for example, is easy to see. And it’s only people like that—those who love to the point it can’t be controlled…those are the kind of people who suffer from Hanahaki.”

Razor looked over at the door Killua had disappeared into. “It’s not a surprise that Killua has Hanahaki,” he repeated. “If Killua’s love was unrequited, he wouldn’t be able to stop loving them. Am I wrong?”

Gon couldn’t bring himself to answer. He could feel his whole body shaking from head to toe. From what—he didn’t know. Maybe he was angry at Razor from seeing straight through Killua. Maybe he was angry at himself for not noticing what was happening to his best friend until it was too late. Maybe he was angry with Killua for being the kind of person susceptible to the Disease at all. 

“One thing is certain,” Razor spoke up again, scattering Gon’s thoughts. “He must truly be in love with this other person, if he cares about them more than you.”

Shock jolted through Gon like he’d been struck by lightning, pinning his feet to the ground, making his legs weak.

Killua loving someone else—someone more than Gon? Was that even possible?!

“I…what are you…” Gon’s brain didn’t seem to be working right; he couldn’t get his mouth to form the right words.

Razor’s expression didn’t change. “I’ve personally seen the dedication that boy has for you. When I told you that you first needed to beat me in dodgeball to get this job, you returned a day later with only him at your side. In the end his hands were bruised purple and blue, but he never complained. Nor did he accept the job offer I gave him along with yours. And yet, he still comes here every day with you without fail.”

“Your friend cares for you with his whole heart. So that means, if there’s someone out there he’s chosen to suffer Hanahaki for…well, that’s the strongest physical form of love I can think of. Even more so than that dodgeball game.”

Razor jerked his head towards the exit. “You’re dismissed. Go help your friend.”

Gon didn’t know how to respond to that. So instead he just nodded unsteadily and walked as quickly as he could to the stadium staircase, ears ringing.

Everything Razor had said was true; Killua was the kind of person to selflessly give himself up to those he loved without restraint, and therefore was an easy victim of Hanahaki. Gon didn’t like hearing that—at all—but he could see the reason behind it.

The last part, though—the part about Killua loving someone more than Gon; Gon, who had been Killua’s best friend and closest confidant since they’d been twelve…

The wave of pointless rage that roared to life inside of him made Gon’s blood to boil. It was a burning, uncontrollable kind of fury that washed away everything else, even reason.

Just the idea of Killua spending less time with Gon to hang out with another person was wrong. Imagining Killua’s rare, honest smiles directed at someone else caused Gon’s throat to close up, making it impossible to breathe. Knowing that Killua’s unrequited lover could be the one to hear Killua’s bell-like laughter, if only they loved Killua back, made Gon nauseous. 

Gon hated that. Every single part of it.

Finally, he made it to the top step, breath ragged. His heart raced in his chest for a reason that had nothing to do with physical exhaustion and his head spun in dizzying circles.

He couldn’t make sense of the swirling emotions at war inside him. But he knew one thing:

He needed to see Killua. Now.

Gon stepped into the hallway that wrapped around the stadium. Killua would’ve gone to the bathroom to cough up the petals, Gon reasoned, so he turned right and charged down the title until he came to the navy door labeled ‘men’s room’.

He stared unblinkingly at the door. He couldn’t hear any coughing, but that didn’t mean anything. Killua had hid his Disease from Gon for months and Gon hadn’t even—

Suddenly, the door opened and Gon jumped backwards. There, standing in the now open doorway, was a very tired and very pale-looking Killua.

Killua caught sight of Gon and jerked, clearly surprised by the other teen’s presence. “G-Gon? What—Why are you here? Aren’t you still on the clock?”

Gon didn’t say anything. He quickly raked his eyes over Killua’s features, drinking in the clammy alabaster skin, chaotic mess of silver hair, those deep blue eyes that never failed to see straight into Gon’s very soul…

And there, hidden in the corner of Killua’s thin lips, was a streak of scarlet red.

Blood.

Gon’s heart throbbed. So. Killua had been coughing up petals, just like he’d thought.

Razor’s words echoed in his mind:

“He must truly be in love with this other person, if he cares about them more than you.”

Gon felt his eyes darken as the earlier fury returned in full force.

Killua was Gon’s best friend. Killua was Gon’s teammate and partner in crime before he had ever fallen in love. And despite Killua’s unconditional love, Gon really didn’t want to share Killua with anyone else.

Killua had always called Gon selfish. And now Gon knew he was right.

“Gon,” Killua croaked. Gon bit his bottom lip to keep himself from screaming; Killua’s throat had to be raw from coughing up all those petals. That’s why his voice sounded like that. 

Killua tried again, “C’mon, seriously. What’s with that face?”

Gon knew there was no point in explaining himself right now; even if he tried, he was too enraged to make any sense. Killua had to feel the waves of anger rolling off him to know that because Killua was good at understanding stuff like that. He knew what Gon needed before Gon himself did half the time.

He grabbed Killua’s hand roughly and dragged him back down the hallway. Killua inhaled sharply, stumbling slightly against the tiled floor, but didn’t speak a word of protest.

That was good. Gon wasn’t sure if he could calm himself enough to slow down.

They reached the food court in record time. Gon spotted a deserted table in the farthest corner and immediately headed for it.

“Sit,” Gon said shortly once they got to the table.

Killua side-eyed him suspiciously, but did as he was told. He and Gon sat sideways, looking at each other face-to-face. It was a small bench and their knees brushed, but Gon didn’t mind the contact. 

It just somehow made Gon feel better, seeing Killua’s face right in front of him like this.  Even now, he could feel his rolling anger subsiding at the familiar sight of those glittering blue eyes.

There was just something about Killua that made Gon feel calm. Made him feel whole. Killua centered him, somehow. 

With the weight of Killua’s gaze on him, Gon pulled out a stray tissue from his pocket. Then he turned back to the pale teen and reached out slowly with the tissue. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second!” Killua threw his hands up, face alight with alarm. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, Gon?!”

Gon set his mouth stubbornly. “You have blood,” he explained. “On your mouth. There, in the corner.”

Killua’s fingers jumped up to touch the mark Gon was pointing to. When he lowered them, the tips shone red.

Killua visibly swallowed. Gon watched closely for any other reaction, dying to know what Killua was thinking. He just wanted Killua to confide in him like he had always done.

That was what best friends were for, right?

“I’m gonna wipe it off, okay?” Gon said and Killua flinched.

“I—no, Gon, you don’t have to do that—”

“I want to do it!” Gon finally exploded and Killua sucked in a breath. “Please, Killua, I just! Let me do this one thing for you, please.”

Killua gaped at him and Gon stared back, jaw clenched. Killua was totally caught off guard by Gon’s outburst but Gon couldn’t bring himself to feel bad. Killua had refused Gon’s help with the Hanahaki Disease in every way and it hurt. It hurt so bad to not be able to support Killua like Killua had done countless times for Gon. This was the least he could let Gon do.

After a heavy pause, Killua nodded.

The tension eased out of Gon’s shoulders. “Thank you. Stay still, I promise I won’t hurt you.”

Killua abruptly snorted, a bitter sound, and Gon’s brow furrowed.

“Why did you laugh?” he asked, confused.

“It’s nothing.” Killua offered him a small, but affectionate, smile. Gon’s chest tightened reflexively. “Really, Gon. It's nothing you need to concern yourself about.”

Gon couldn’t help the sharp jolt of pain that stabbed through his heart. “I’ll always be concerned when it comes to you, Killua. You’re my best friend, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

His best friend’s cheeks darkened with a blush. It brought some of the color back into his ashen skin and some of the tension eased out of Gon’s shoulders. 

He carefully gripped Killua’s chin with his free hand to make sure Killua wouldn’t move his head. He felt Killua tense slightly at his touch, but Gon ignored it, putting all his attention into the task at hand.

Using the tissue, Gon gently wiped the blood smudged across the edges Killua’s mouth. It took a few tries to clean all of the bright red away, and it was only after the first and second wipe that Gon suddenly realized that he was touching Killua’s lips.

He froze, heat rushing to his cheeks so fast his head swam. 

“Gon?” Killua said quietly. Gon’s fingers moved with Killua’s jaw, slightly shifting against Killua’s incredibly soft skin, and Gon snatched his hand back as if he’d been burned.

“S-Sorry!” Gon squeaked. A hot wave of embarrassment washed over him at the sound of his voice cracking. “I, um! It’s all g-gone now!”

Killua’s hand reached up to touch the once scarlet-stained corner of his mouth- the same spot Gon had been touching less than five seconds ago—and deflated in relief when it came away clean.

Killua looked up at Gon. The soft expression in his eyes made Gon’s stomach flip, and something light fluttered in his chest.

“Thank you, Gon,” Killua said, voice heavy with affection.

Gon’s pulse was flying under his skin. He took a deep breath to calm himself, face uncomfortably hot. 

What was going on with him?

“Anytime, Killua,” he said sincerely and Killua smiled slightly. “Let’s go home.”