Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mnet Asian Music Awards 2018 Hong Kong – Backstage

It was the end of yet another eventful, successful, overwhelming awards night for the girls and while they’re taking this time to ground themselves in a group hug, they all are still reeling from the amount of support, love and recognition that their hard work has received tonight.

After the show finale, the girls are being escorted backstage by their managers. All of them having the same tearful smiles etched on their faces, patting each other’s backs AND butts for a job very well done.

“Is this for real?!” Chaeyoung exclaimed as she entered their dressing room and saw all 3 awards on the table, the newest daesang in front. “Someone please pinch me.” she said to no one in particular but was humored by Jeongyeon by pinching both the tiny girl’s cheeks and Dahyun poking at her sides. The yelp (roar) that followed soon after was to be expected by now.

Jihyo looked thoughtfully at the Song of the Year Award, she took it from the table and held it closer like it was a newborn baby. “You did good, kid.” Nayeon said as she hugged their leader from behind. Jihyo replied with a chuckle “WE—did good.”

Sana, not wanting to miss on the show of affection, joined the two and hugged Jihyo as well, her arms circling both Koreans. “Look, this could be the 10^th daesang to make up for those 10 long years.” she chanced a peck on the shorter girl’s forehead, said girl scrunched her face per usual. “Make’s you think it’s all worth it right?” both Jihyo and Nayeon nod their heads in affirmation.

To the left of the room, Tzuyu sat down on the sofa next to Mina. The youngest foreign members talking about how they’re so ready to plop down on their beds and rest. “Mina-unnie…” Tzuyu said grabbing her attention. “Hmm?” Mina sank back on the sofa’s back rest mimicking their maknae before replying “What’s up?” Tzuyu motioned a nod towards the door where Momo stood looking rather pensive at them, at all of them. To the untrained eye she might look dazed, but for the two, Momo looked like she’s lost.

Mina thought back and knew that one of their managers was just taking photos of the oldest Japanese member backstage and Momo was her usual cheerful self. Now she wonders what might have happened to warrant the sudden change. She heard Tzuyu sigh. “I don’t know why she gets like that every time this time of year.” this made Mina look at her. “Eh?” Tzuyu just shrugged. “I’ve asked her before you know? She said she doesn’t even notice that she’s doing it. I guess it’s just part of how Momo-unnie is.” Mina nodded. “Maybe. I’ll talk to her about it later.” Mina said before poking Tzuyu’s side. “We don’t want our precious maknae worrying now do we?” Mina said with her signature lopsided smile. Tzuyu just shook her head trying to get rid of a faint blush rising on her cheeks.

Unit Vans

They are now en route back to their hotel and the drive wasn’t the usual rowdy one Twice is known for. Well, besides the fact that the members were separated in groups of three, but when did that ever stop them before? Dahyun is on her phone reading the messages from their group chat. She sat up on her knees and showed Tzuyu, who was sitting at the back, a picture of ice cream packs the Unit 3 Van (Nayeon, Mina, Chaeyoung) members bought.

“Isn’t it a bit too late for ice cream?” she said out loud. Dahyun clicked her tongue at this. “Ah but sweet Tzuyu-ah, it’s never too late for ice cream.” she pointed with a wink. Tzuyu replied with a chuckle before tapping her seatmate’s legs which are currently on her lap. The owner of said legs decided that it was fun to hold on to her like a koala. “Momo-unnie, you were right. It looks like we’re having ice cream tonight after all.” The Japanese girl looked away from the window and looked up at Tzuyu. “Eh?”

Dahyun laughed, showing Momo the same picture she showed Tzuyu. “Aaah. That’s great.” Momo replied and smiled at the purple tofu ball of energy.

Tzuyu frowned noticing Momo’s strange demeanor. “Are you okay unnie?”. With this Momo tried to perk up and grabbed Tzuyu’s face and smiled. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be, I’m cuddling my favorite maknae after all?” Dahyun raised her brow. “Heeeey! I thought I was your favorite maknae?” she followed up with a pout.

Momo just made a face and stuck out her tongue. “I’m just a little tired I guess. But I’m okay, really.” With that Tzuyu nodded and just let Momo cling onto her.

Dahyun sat back down but not before giving Momo a small concerned smile. She opened a messaging app and started texting Sana. ‘Sooner or later you’re going to have to tell me why she always look sad after we win things. Even Tzuyu notices.’

Meanwhile in Unit 1’s van, Jeongyeon was imitating the SaHyo moment on stage which brought laughter to the vehicle and a hot blush on Jihyo’s cheeks, even the managers were in on the teasing. Sana was about to smack Jeonyeon’s arm when she received Dahyun’s message.

She suddenly stopped laughing when she read what the message was about. She turned to look at Jeongyeon in the backseat but she was already looking back at her, worry painted on her face.

Jeongyeon mouthed ‘Momo?’ in which Sana nodded her head to. Jihyo caught the exchange but wasn’t privy to what Jeongyeon said. She poked the older girl’s side. “What are you two plotting again?” Jeongyeon responded by tackling Jihyo to her side of the seat. “Nothing to worry your pretty little head, Leader-nim.” She ruffled her hair and started tickling her.

Sana sat back, sighed and closed her eyes, muttering a silent prayer, hoping there won’t be too much traffic so she could get to her best-friend immediately.

Hotel – Connecting room (living room)

From the ruckus that could be heard 3 rooms away, you wouldn’t have guessed that it was almost 2 am, Hong Kong time. The girls all commiserated in one of the larger connecting rooms while enjoying the ice cream Nayeon’s group bought and recalling the best moments of the night. None of them bothered to change clothes yet even though a handful of them already look like they’re ready to pass out any time.

Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung stood near the glass wall reenacting Jihyo’s speech during when they received the Song Of The Year award. Chaeyoung still holding the trophy and Jeonyeon faux-tearfully copying Jihyo. Both Nayeon and Dahyun were doubled over laughing when Jeongyeon lunged at Sana to hug her. Sana took this opportunity to pat Jeongyeon’s butt repeatedly to the older girl’s chagrin. Jihyo threw a pillow at the pair which successfully separated them.

On the couch sat Tzuyu, Momo and Mina. Tzuyu was feeding Momo her ice cream, saying that she doesn’t want to finish it or else she’ll feel too full to sleep. Momo of course, never says no to food, unless it’s watermelon and anything similar. Getting a little preoccupied being fed by Tzuyu, Momo’s popsicle started melting, thankfully, Mina had been eyeing the strawberry popsicle ever since they bought it from the store, unfortunately for her, both Momo and Chaeyoung grabbed the strawberry flavored items even before Nayeon placed them down on the table. So all in the cover of saving the precious treat, Mina started biting off Momo’s popsicle. The older girl only noticing after Mina’s third bite. Momo’s eyes went wide and her jaw slackened. Mina on her part sheepishly smiled. Adorable gums and all.

“Mitaaaaangg!!” Momo squealed before nudging the youngest Japanese member down on the couch effectively lying on top of her. “B-but your ice cream was already melting. I was doing you a favor really, Momoring.” Mina replied half laughing. “Now you’re gonna have to share yours with me too.” Momo scoffed. “Really, you want some of my watermelon?” Mina challenged. That made Momo turn around with a pout.  “Mean.”

Mina just stuck her tongue out and giggled. Tzuyu just eyed the two before shaking her head and pulling both Japanese girls upright. “And here I thought I was supposed to be the youngest.” This brought new peals of laughter between MiMo.

Sana and Jeongyeon looked at the trio on the couch and then at each other. Sana heard the older girl sigh. “Well at least she’s participating.” Sana nodded but her posture was less than convinced.

“You’re still coming over tonight right? She bit her lip. Jeongyeon nodded before answering. “Yeah. Do you want me to bring anything?” Sana shrugged. “I’m not sure what she’ll need this time… I just hope she doesn’t close off the moment we enter our room.” Both still looking at the seated trio. “Is this weird for you? I mean, just looking at her right now… people usually wouldn’t even guess that she’s having a hard time.” Jeongyeon shook her head. “She’s being distracted right now, so I don’t think even she notices it herself.”

The sounds of giggles get filtered and Sana hears it first before she sees it. It’s about time and she springs in action, but not before giving Jeongyeon a small smile and wave. The older girl nods at her in understanding and then motions a texting gesture asking Sana to text her up when they get to their rooms. Sana nodded.

Momo sighs loudly before sinking on the backrest of the couch. She could finally feel the ache catching up to her.  She tried popping her neck to relieve the stress bubbling up from there before she rests her head to look up at the fancy ceiling. From the corner of her eye she sees Sana coming closer from behind the sofa, the younger girl bends down giving her a soft peck on the forehead.

“You ready to go?” It still surprises Momo how Sana’s voice can go from shrieking you off to outer space to grounding you to earth in a spilt second. They only share a look, but that’s enough for Sana to understand.

Sana goes around the sofa to pull Momo from the plush piece of furniture. It didn’t take long before Momo stands up and languidly moves towards the door. Sana announces to the group that they’re about to go back to their room. One look at Momo dragging her feet out the door and the rest agrees to follow suit.

After a couple of hugs and ‘goodnights’, Sana catches up with Momo and their managers. She nudges Momo with her shoulder, the other girl only responds by linking their arms together. “Sana…I’m really tired.” Momo starts off quietly. Sana inches closer, releasing Momo’s arms but opting to wrap her arm on the girl’s waist instead. “I know Momoring, but you did good today. How about we move the vlive when we’re back in Korea then?” The older girl just silently nods.

“But if this is just another ploy to get me to wash your back—” Sana gets cut off when she heard Momo chuckle. ‘Well that’s gotta be a good sign...Right?’ Sana thought.

Chapter Text

Sana

So the pouting was indeed a ploy to get me to wash her back after all. I can’t help but roll my eyes, good-naturedly at Momo. There are just some people you just can’t say “No” to. Y’know?

She immediately plopped down on our shared bed the moment we entered the room, and even though it’s muffled, you can hear the unmistakable whine that is solely Momo’s. I had to chuckle at that. Really. I mean, who couldn’t?

“Momoriiing.” I sat down beside her and poked her side. “You know you still have to wash up right?” Another whine. At least she heard me.

She moved her head and finally looked up at me. “Help me wash up?” Here’s the tea everyone. Momo may be older than me but boyo, the way she’s pouting right now would give Tzuyu or Dahyun or even Nayeon-unnie a run for their money. And the scary part is, she doesn’t even know how effective it really is.

Which brings me to our current situation where Momo is humming ‘The Best Thing I Ever Did’, resting her head on her arms while draped on one side of the bath tub and I’m washing her back for her.

For as long as I can remember we’ve always bathed together whenever we share the same room. It’s just how things are since we were trainees. I help her wash her back, she helps me dry my hair… or vice-versa, it's just how it is.

Just then I noticed the lack of humming. “What’s got you all quiet?” I asked her when before moving some stray hair away from her back so as not to get it wet. H&MU-unnie will have a conniption if we get the hair piece wet again.

Momo shook her head. “I was just thinking.”

“Well stop, before you hurt yourself.” I answered back. She turned around squinted her eyes. “You’re not very nice, you know that?” She huffed with some teasing in her voice. I nudged her to face front again, so I could finish what I’m doing. Thankfully, the girl complied.

“There. All done.” I tapped her shoulder, asking for her to start getting up, the water is already getting tepid and I really didn’t want us to catch a cold… but I guess Momo had something else in mind. She sat back, leaning her body on me and rested her head on my shoulder. She’s looking up at the ceiling as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and just looked at her even thought this is not a very comfortable position especially for me and sooner or later my leg will probably fall asleep, but for now, I’m patiently waiting for her to say something.

“Arigato, Satang… tonight was… It’s…” I can literally hear the gears in her head turn like crazy.

“Difficult?” I supplied and was met with a nod. “Yeah.” I just held her closer. “You know you can always talk to me, right?” Hypothetical. “The things you feel, regardless of how crazy or scary they may be... and especially when you feel like you’re getting lost in your thoughts again.” I felt Momo tense up rather than hear it. “I know you can’t help it when it happens, but please just promise me, if and when it does… that you'll come to me or at least Jeongyeon. Okay?”

“It’s not easy that easy Sana.” She said tersely. “It’s not like I get a warning when it happens, you know?” she finishes with a sigh. She sat up and looked at me.

“Tonight…I had a panic attack.” She looked away embarrassed. “I only realized it was happening after manager-oppa led me back inside the dressing room and I feel like everything’s sped up and slowed down at the same time. And then, I couldn’t breathe properly.”

I felt a short stab in my chest and immediately held her hand. “I couldn’t do anything…I was just there…I know I was standing by the door. And I know everyone was there…that I was there…but it felt like I really wasn’t. It felt like I could see me…but it wasn’t me.” I could feel her heart pounding inside her chest. “It felt like ‘that time’ again.”

I shivered at the thought of Sixteen. Even just saying the word always leaves a foul taste in my mouth. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm truly grateful. We all are. But that's not to say we didn't came out unscathed. Some more than the others.

This isn’t the first time this happened. Over the span of 3 years, something like this had happened a couple times and in the most inopportune time. Regardless, it’s always hard, if not impossible, to know what to say…or how to handle it. That’s when I heard myself say, “That won’t happen again.” bitterly.

Momo raised a brow. “How do you know? It’s not like it’s in our circle of control or something." I was about to speak when she cut me off.

"I already know what people say about me... it's even worse after Sixteen. Can you imagine?" she continued. "People already say I’m the worst at singing and that I'm only good for my dancing. And even that they still find lacking. Who’s to say I won’t get axed?” she said it so nonchalantly it just about hurt my heart that maybe she believes it. I clench my teeth.

She’s right though, but only about the ‘circle of control’ part, the rest is utter nonsense, I know of no one who works harder than her. She'll even sleep standing up if she has too, I can vouch for that. Who else can say that about their teammate? “They’re all just being mean.” I offered, head hung.

She reached for me to tilt my chin up. “And you’re just being kind.” she said softly with one of the saddest smile I’ve ever seen her do.  

“We should probably get dressed. We have to at least try not to get sick. Although the notion of being sick just so we could all rest is sounding pretty good right now.” she stood up and pulled me up with her.

"But then again, Once might get worried...and we can't have that." I can already hear her voice choke up a little. We step out of the tub together then she grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me before turning around to grab one for herself.

She took a deep breath before turning back around. A lone tear already staining her still smiling face. “I’m going to be terribly clingy tonight, Satang. I hope you don't mind.” I heard her say before she opened the bathroom door.

Silently, to myself I replied, "You know I don't mind."

'Six years we've been together, and I can only count three times where my heart broke for you... tonight makes it four.' 

Chapter Text

Jeongyeon

Ever since the ride back to the hotel I’ve become a little restless. And with Sana being all fidgety and worried in the van didn’t help at all. When we arrived and saw that Momo was already looking through the grocery bag with Chaeyoung, I couldn’t help but feel relieved. Also, I can see that Momo is engaging with the members for most of the night, but I keep catching her spacing out, more so than usual. I’m grateful that everyone has been able to distract her from herself tonight.

Now, as I sat here in my bed, I’m just wondering when all this started. I mean, I KNOW, when it started. I’m just wracking my brain for what triggered it now. Okay looking back, maybe not now, now. I mean now, these past few weeks.

Momo’s been a little off. Not performance-wise, c’mon. I’m not sure if it was even before the November comeback. Although I get her though. This year’s comebacks have been extremely demanding, in all aspects. Thing is, she wasn’t even like this during Dance The Night Away. That’s why I’ve used the better part of the night replaying what happened or might’ve happened between the Arena tour and now. Because it was definitely after we wrapped DTNA.

I feel guilty for making fun about her being too sensitive during the past few weeks. I’ve been joking with Nayeon-unnie that Momo’s undergoing a deferred adolescent angst period or something, we even mentioned it to Once. That probably made whatever is happening worse.

I probably should’ve roomed with Momo, I even texted Sana saying I could just crash over there if she needs back-up. Still waiting for her answer though. But what do I tell Nayeonnie? I’m not particularly sure how much she knows. If she even knows. If the rest of the members know. Maybe Tzuyu does, I swear that girl knows things.

“Ya, Jeongyeon-ah. Are you even listening?” Oh shoot. Right. Nayeon’s talking to me. “Aisshh. What’s wrong with you?” I shrugged. Obviously annoyed, she rolled her eyes at me. That really lost its effect a long time ago. “I’m done showering.” I just nodded. “So what did Sana say?”

Just as she asked I got Sana’s reply. ‘Bring the big hoodie.’ Aw man. This is bad. I quickly got up and rummaged through my stuff looking for my green hoodie. I can feel Nayeon’s eyes burning a hole from the back of my head. “I’m staying at Momo’s room tonight.” I offered, not sure if that was enough.

“Why? Is Sana switching rooms again?” This isn’t unusual, we swap rooms a lot, our managers would prefer us not to, but it’s fun. “No. Sana’s staying.” I found the hoodie and placed it on my bed and then threw my clothes back in the luggage. I’m going to regret doing that in the morning. Back to the obviously confused Nayeon. I sat up from the floor and grabbed my hoodie. “Roommate duties.”

Nayeon huffed. “You say it like it explains everything. What’s going on?” I had to shake my head because it totally explains everything. I face her and she does look a little worried. I should probably tell her. I mean, she’s really close with Momo too. Why Momo hasn’t told her is beyond me to be honest… but then again. If I hadn’t seen for it myself, I probably wouldn’t know too.

I took a deep breath. “It’s Momo.” Nayeon visibly tenses up. Has she noticed too? She looks worried but confused so maybe she hasn’t noticed. If it wasn’t such a depressing thing I would’ve felt proud we were able to keep this up for 3 years without the others noticing.

“She’s not…okay right now.”

“YA! What do you mean she’s not okay?” I flinched at the volume. Really, this girl. I don’t even want to imagine if it were Jihyo. “Ah jinja! Keep your voice down will ya.” I go around the room checking what else I need to carry with me before I leave for Momo and Sana’s room. I check my pocket for my phone. Check. Key card? I saw it on the night desk. Pocketed. Check. A crazy looking pig-rabbit that also looks like she’ll attack me right now? Check. I just sighed and grabbed her arm. “Just come with me…but ehm- you probably should get dressed first though. I’ll just brush my teeth.”

When I got out of the bathroom, Nayeon is already in her sweatpants, drying her hair with a towel and pacing. I slung my hoodie on my shoulders, got my phone out, texted our managers and then waited for Nayeon to fini- okay. She’s looking at me weird, she dropped the damp towel on one of the hampers and just tied her hair in a bun. 

“Let’s go.” She said while grabbing her phone charging on top the table. I nodded. Before leaving out the room, I stopped her by the door. “If you can, try not to make this too much of a big deal though okay? Whatever it is.” She’s taken aback by what I said. It sounded ominous how I said it, but it’s just how it is.

We all get into slumps. Some have it way worse than others. Some people don’t even notice they’re in one. And this is just a part of Momo. It doesn’t define her. Not at all. I don’t want Momo to feel like people are taking pity on her. That’s the absolute worst. “What are you talking about? Can we just go?”

“Just promise me? Please, unnie?” I extended my pinky. When she entwined hers and said yes, I led us out the door, took my phone out and called Sana. When she answered I can already hear some sniffling in the background a little bit. “We’re coming.” After hanging up we headed off towards the first room after taking a corner.

When we got to the room, I took a deep breath before knocking. After hearing some light shuffling from inside the room, the door opened with a wary looking Sana. She looked at me and then at Nayeon.

“How is she?” I asked pulling her outside the room. I heard her sigh out her reply. “She's been better. I’m just glad we don’t have anything scheduled tomorrow besides flying back to Korea.” I hummed in agreement. I was about to ask her if Momo had said anything about what happened today yet when I felt a nudge on my side. Nayeon was looking back and forth between me and Sana. “Do you maybe wanna clue me in on what’s happening?” Nayeon asked clearly concerned and annoyed. I turned to Sana. “Do you mind? I’ll keep her company.” Sana nodded and stepped aside. I unwrapped my hoodie and went in.

I can see Momo’s form on the bed facing away from the door, the comforter bundled on her legs and tucked under her arm. I slowly got under the covers. When the bed dipped, she turned and looked up and me. “Hi Moguri.” I smiled at her and passed her my hoodie.

Her eyes got bigger and smiled a bit more. I pulled her up, so I can put the hoodie on her. Sometimes I forget how she’s like a child. But I’ll take it if it puts even a small smile on that face. I fixed her bangs when it got ruffled by the neck of the hoodie. Momo laid back down and wordlessly pulled me with her.

We’re on our sides and I’m cuddling her from behind. “Your feet are cold.” She started. “Your eyes are swollen.” I replied. She shrugged. “Move you head up for a bit, my arm might fall asleep.” I placed my left arm under the pillow. “That’s better.” She hummed and snuggled into me. “Are you sleeping here too?” she asked. “There’s room enough. Don’t you think?” I replied while patting her tummy. She nodded and grabbed my hand,entwining  our fingers, stopping me from possibly tickling her.    

“Do you wanna tell me what happened tonight?” I nudged the back of her head with my nose. “I just told Sana.” I huffed at her. “Yeah, but if you haven’t noticed, I’m not really Sana.” She probably rolled her eyes at me just now. “Aren’t you here to comfort me, not annoy me?” she sent me a soft elbow on my rib. “Aw, but Momo. Me annoying you comforts people.” I giggled.

“Ya!!” She turned around in my arms and slapped my shoulder. I could only chuckle at her. “Besides, you look comfortable enough in my hoodie.” That didn’t stop me from pulling her closer and hugging her tighter though. “Tsundere, Yoo Jeongyeon.” that's the only thing I heard before I felt her tremble and sob silently into my shirt.

“I h-hate it Jeongyeon.” She stuttered. “I hate that I keep feeling these things.” I can feel my shirt getting balled up by Momo’s grip on it. I sighed into her hair and rubbed her back. “Why though? You’re allowed to feel whatever, Momo. Whoever’s saying you can’t is an idiot.” I nudged her head to look at me. “Ya, look at me.” When she finally did I had to stop myself from smiling, her eyes are puffy, her nose are red and there’s a stream of tears flowing down that makes it look like she's got snot dripping down. I got hold of myself and remembered what I was about to say. “You get sad. We’re all allowed to get sad. It's okay.”

“And if gets too painful where I just want to die?” Okay. I wasn’t ready for that. She said it so softly that I almost missed it. If it weren’t for the gravity of it. “Sometimes it skips ‘sad’. You know what I mean?” she furrowed her brow while trying to explain. “Sometimes… like tonight. It just started hurting here.” She pointed at her heart. “… and here.” her head. “It's happening a lot lately that I don’t even notice it.”

“When did it start this time?” I asked her, and she let go of my shirt and moved to lie on her back. “I’m not sure? Maybe after the showcase?” she looked embarrassed for some reason. I looked back during the Yes or Yes showcase and tried to sift through what happened that day. Everything seemed fine. We were all joking together that day. We even had great games and… And then it dawned on me. ‘We’re idiots.’ I started shaking my head.

She noticed this and probably thinks I figured it out. “It’s not your fault.” Hearing her say that makes it even worse. We weren’t thinking. Honestly, how utterly insensitive! We all were. I should probably slap myself.

Of course! Talking about Sixteen would for sure trigger it! Of course, reminiscing about our performances in Sixteen AFTER she got eliminated would trigger her! ‘Aisssh PABO JEONGYEON!’ I know she laughed it off on stage and we reassured her right after, but knowing how sensitive that topic is, to everyone, we probably shouldn’t have mentioned it at all.

“I’m so-…” she stopped me with a look. “It’s not your fault. Any of you… just because I can’t bear to talk about it doesn’t mean you should stop too.” She looked up at the ceiling, I feel like she wants to say more. “The problem is with me. I know it’s in the past but sometimes… it feels like it’s still happening. There are times when I look at you and the rest of the members where I feel like I’m on the outside looking in.” I grabbed her hands and held it in mine. I pulled her closer until our foreheads are touching. Hearing that made me remember seeing her offstage with the audience. I remembered thinking how it felt wrong. So wrong.

“I don’t really remember much about that day… I try not to for the sake of what’s left of my sanity. But what I do remember is the feeling after PD-nim called my name. I felt relief, overwhelming happiness… gratitude and then immediately after, I felt the equally overwhelming feeling of sadness.” I nodded because I’ve felt it myself.

“It’s a feeling that I think will stick with me forever. I couldn’t describe it before, you know? But I read someone say on SNS one time how I just got lucky, how I almost didn’t  make it, how much I could've missed out.” She paused, moved back a little and looked at me. “I’ve been wondering about it too, for a long time now. If I wasn’t in the picture to begin with… do you think Twice would fare differently? Personally  I think you'll all do just fi—”

I heard my palm colliding with Momo’s forehead before realizing it. “Ya! Say that again and I’ll sic JiMiDaChaeTzu on you!” A red spot started to show on her forehead, so I massaged it. “Thankfully, no one will ever know the answer to that cos you’re here with us. And you’ll always be with us. You’re Momo of Twice, rightly so. And I’ll fight anyone that says otherwise.” She’s looking at me weird. But then I notice my vision got a little blurry and something hot and wet on my cheeks. I realized they were my tears when she used her sleeves to wipe them off my face.

“Crybaby, Jeongyeonie.” She said with a pout on her face. "Shut up, pabo and let me cuddle you."

'I'll keep you safe. You know this right?'

Chapter Text

Nayeon

Jeongyeon just looks stupid right now. I mean, I’ve noticed her staring at her phone before I got in the bathroom, and that was about half an hour ago. “Oi, Yoo Jeongyeon…” okay good that got her attention. “Why d’you look like someone just died?” Jeongyeon furrowed her brow at me and then looked back at her phone. “M’just talking to Sana.” she replied. I felt my brow raise. “And you’re looking glum because…?” she just shrugged. “You two sneaking out again?” Should I feel affronted that they didn’t let me in on that? Probably not, but I’m fickle so we’ll see what happens.

“Ya! Jeongyeon-ah. Are you even listening?” thankfully she looked back at me, I need not throw this wet towel to her face.  “No, we’re not… but I am going over there later.” There’s this weird look on her face when she said that. Like she wants to say more…but couldn’t.

“O—kay…still my first question is begging to be answered. Why are you looking like that?” I sat down by my bed and started my nightly routine. I heard her scoff. “Looking like what exactly?” that god-awful smirk is plastered on her face again. “Why is your face like that?” I can’t help but tease.

“My face has always been like this! What’s wrong with YOUR face?” she said pointing at my clearly foam-covered face. “How very mature.” I can’t help but roll my eyes, but at least she’s kind of normal now…well, as normal as ‘Jeongyeon’ can be. “You still haven’t answered the question though. You sure you’re okay?” It’s probably the 3^rd time I asked and I’m getting a little impatient. Still no answer. I turn back and look at her, she’s staring at her phone again. This girl really. “So, what did Sana say?” She glanced at me and then back at her phone. She got up, almost ran to her luggage and started taking clothes out.

I have the weirdest best friend in the world. Oh my god. What is she doing? “I’m staying at Momo’s tonight.” Jeongyeon spared a glance at me. I just shrugged at it. “Why? Is Sana switching rooms again?” I instinctively open our group chat app to check if there was some room switching going on. “No.” She answered. “Sana’s staying there.”

She pulled out a green hoodie that I’m sure is Momo’s and placed it on her bed. She haphazardly started putting her clothes back in her luggage. After she finished she stood up and grabbed her hoodie. “Roommate duties.”

See. Weirdo. “You say it like it explains everything. What’s going on?” I can’t help but feel a weird coldness in the pit of my stomach. It’s almost the same with every stage we do…but this time, it’s just a little different. “You’re face looks weird again. What’s wrong? Spit it out.” I tapped her arm a little.

She visibly exhales “It’s Momo.”

I can see Jeongyeon’s mouth moving but I can’t hear anything after ‘It’s Momo…’ I snapped out of it and listened to what she’s saying.

“…she’s not really…okay right now.” She flinched a little after saying that. And then my brain process what she said. “Ya! What do you mean she’s not okay?” I grabbed on her arm. She pulled away. “Ah jinja! Keep your voice down.” Did she just ‘shush’ me?

She started looking around, paused by the night stand and took the keycard. She turned around and looked at me. “Just come with me…but you probably need to get dressed first though.” Oh yeah. I’m still in my bathrobe. She also said something about brushing her teeth. So she went in the bathroom and I looked for my sweatpants. I think I can squeeze in a couple minutes to dry my hair too.

Jeongyeon got out of the bathroom and I immediately threw the towel on the hamper. “Let’s go.” I said while tying my hair. I was almost out the door when she stopped me. “What the…?” She’s got a stern face on, the same face she has when she’s about to chastise us when we make a mess in the dorm. “If you can, try not to make this too much of a big deal though, okay?” Okay, I definitely should get offended. I don’t ‘always’ blow things over. What? I don’t!

“What are you talking about? Can we just go?” I’m about to open the door. “Just promise me? Please, unnie.” She played the ‘unnie’-card godammit Yoo Jeongyeon. She’s so cute sometimes. And she’s got her pinky out too. I sighed and did what was expected of me. I took her pinky with mine and promised.

We’re finally out the door and walking towards Momo and Sana’s room. Jeongyeon is on the phone probably talking to Sana. Not 2 minutes later we’re at their door. She knocked on it, Sana opened it for us.

Jeongyeon spoke first. “How is she?” they carried a quiet conversation between them and I can’t really understand, plus I’m already antsy. “Do you maybe wanna clue me in on what’s happening?” They had the decency to have a kind of guilty sheepish look before Jeongyeon left me with Sana.

Sana gave a shy smile. Not the ones the reaches her eyes, which is weird enough to see because she always smiles with her eyes. She took my hand and pulled me to sit down on the carpeted floor. So it’s a sit down kind of talk huh? I feel more nervous now.

“How much did Jeongyeon tell you?” Sana startled me a bit. Straight to the point. Wow. Okay. I shook my head. “Jeongyeon, didn’t say anything apart from Momo not being okay…and that I shouldn’t make a big deal and stuff.” She only hummed and nodded her head. It was quiet for a while, I’m guessing she’s trying to decide what to tell me I guess. “You can tell me anything, you know that right?” she side-glanced and sighed. “I’m more of trying to decide where to begin rather than what to tell you. To be honest, I’m a little curious why she hasn’t said anything to you yet. You guys are super close I get jealous sometimes.” She chuckled a little. I’m sure she’s joking. Sana’s got no jealous bone in her body.

“I’m really wracking my brain with what you two (JY) mean but I’ve got nothing, Sana. So why don’t you start at the beginning? Sana nodded.

“Okay, unnie.” Hearing Sana so serious is weird. “First off, Momo’s kind of okay now, and since Jeongyeon is also in there, she’s probably calmed down even more.” That doesn’t sound comforting at all. She probably saw my expression and held my hand. “Momo had a panic attack tonight.” Okay definitely not comforting at all but the way Sana’s squeezing my hand is reminding me that maybe she’s having a harder time with the situation. They’re self-proclaimed twins after all. So I just nodded and egged her to go on.

“She told me she’s been having it a lot lately…not all the time. But definitely more now than in the past few years.” We shared a look. ‘Few years? She’s been having this for years?’ I thought about that time during Hit the Stage where she mentioned her having trauma about survival programs, at the time, I thought that was just her casually saying it. Personally, I would never have joined HTS if it were me. But that’s Momo. And her love for dancing knows no pain.

“Did you know? I mean, of course you kn—” Sana shook her head. “I only knew when she had one after they filmed HTS.” My eyes almost popped out of their sockets. “But we were there! How did we miss that?” Sana leaned on the wall and I instinctively copied her. “It was after the recording. We were on separate vans remember? I wouldn’t have known if I’d left with Jihyo’s group”. I looked back and she was right, I was on the first van to depart with Jeongyeon, Mina and Dahyun. Jihyo, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu were on the van trailing us.

“Is that why you stayed behind? You went back for Momo?” I remembered Sadness-unnie telling us that Sana stayed behind and waited for Momo to wrap up. “No.” I can feel Sana’s grip tightened. “I was going to catch up with Jihyo and but Ten approached me and said that Momo seemed out of it and was in a daze in the dressing room. He said, he tried talking to her but it was like she can’t hear or see him. So I asked him to take me and manager oppa there. It also took us a while before Momo even noticed we were there… trying to talk to her too.” she went quiet for a bit, but I knew there’s more to the story.

“Do you remember when we got back?” I nodded. “Yeah. Everyone was either already asleep or ready to go to bed.” Sana nodded. “Momo broke finally down in the car. But she didn’t want to go back looking like a wreck so manager oppa drove us around for a bit before deciding to just stay at a parking area near Han river.” So that’s why her eyes looked puffy when they got back.

“She told me not to tell any of you. She said that, she felt like it was petty of her to feel that way. That she should just feel honored that they even offered her a spot in the program.” Sana sighed out. “She started beating herself up more after that day. Kept saying things like ‘…I’m the main dancer who always seem to fail during dance stages…’ She started practicing harder, harder than during Sixteen by the way. It got scary.” I scoffed. I hated Sixteen. I think we all did, but we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for that god-awful program, so begrudgingly, I still am grateful. We shared another look. “Sixteen broke us. But I think it broke her most.” I said out loud. Sana just nodded. “It’s her trigger.” She confirmed.

“I think I’m beginning to understand…” I’m trying to get my thoughts in order. “Her panic attacks, it comes when she’s reminded of Sixteen? But, we talk about it sometimes…and she seems okay...or...?” Sana shook her head. “Not always. We talk about it sometimes too. I’m not sure how to explain it really, maybe you should ask her yourself… but how she mentioned it, it’s like when things feel like it’s Sixteen all over again. Like, for HTS…the part of the show where they wait for their score. She said that felt like she was on her last stage in Sixteen waiting for PD-nim to say she was out.” I felt that gut wrenching pain when I was transported back to that moment. And I guess Sana did too. “She was also alone at that stage. Even if Blazer Pyo was standing right there with her it’s really no—“.

“It’s not the same?” I finished for her. She nodded. “And tonight?”

“She said that missing out on us was the worst thing that could have happened to her, she said that thinking about it pained her as if there was a knife lodged in her heart, and that’s exactly what she felt when she was eliminated. And I guess it never went away.” She paused and tucked her knees up before looking back at me.

“You know she almost wanted to go back to Japan after that happened right? But she didn’t know what else to do so she kept at it, she stayed and drove her body almost to exhaustion with whatever training and practice time that was offered to her.” She hugged her knees. “I hated that time cos that’s when she barely spoke to anyone, even me. I mean, I understand, so I gave her some space, but I couldn’t help but worry you know?” I nodded in understanding.

“That day we got her back, I was so happy I couldn’t stop crying. To be honest, I guess I was happier because we actually made it together, more so than the actual fact that we were going to debut.” She looked embarrassed, but I get what she meant. I couldn’t imagine debuting without Jihyo and Jeongyeon. She stood up, offered me her hand and helped me up. I guess we're going in now.

“Standing on awards stages with us always reminds her that she almost missed out, or something like that. You know she said she blanked out on the stage the moment Jihyo started talking and was working in autopilot. She said that was the last thing she fully remembered and everything after that was a blur or in patches.” She turned to the door, her hand on the knob.

“She’s clingy right now by the way, so don’t get jealous if she hogs Jeongyeonnie tonight.” There’s some teasing in her voice. I’m glad she can still make light of the situation, I feel like I can start breathing properly.

“Ya! It’s you or Jeong who might get jealous If I hog Momo all night tonight.” I scoffed in good nature. “What? It’s not like she can resist me anyway”. Sana chuckled and opened the door. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

I was expecting something really mushy and I was ready to fake gag, but what I saw was something else entire. I‘ve never seen Jeongyeon this soft with anyone. If I didn’t adore the girl she’s embracing right now, I would have been all jealous and cranky, but now I just feel like I’m intruding or something. I felt Sana nudge me with her elbow and saw a questioning and rather amused expression. “What?” I whispered.

“Why are you whispering?” she smiled. “I didn’t want to disturb them?” I answered back. She only shook her head. “What? Surprised?” I can only nod my head.

Jeongyeon is sort of half leaning on the headboard half lying down on the bed, her eyes closed with Momo’s head tucked between her neck and her chest. Her left hand is playing with Momo’s hair while her right is gently tracing her fingers on Momo’s back until it found purchase on the small of her back. I can tell they’ve synched their breathing when they sighed and cuddled each other tighter at the same time.

“I would’ve thought this could be the sweetest thing I’ve seen in my life if I wasn’t so weirded out.” I thought to myself. “Eh?” I heard Sana respond. So I guess I did say it out loud. “You’ve never seen them like this before have you?” Sana looked genuinely curious. I shook my head. I know that Jeongyeon is a real softie and I’ve seen her be all caring towards Momo and the other members too. And I’ve been on the receiving end of that softness as well, but I guess this kind of softness is reserved for the roommate couple.

“It felt weird for me too, the first time I saw it. I even got a little jealous, but I wasn’t sure with whom. I feel like that sometimes still.” She giggled. “I’ve long realized that their relationship is much like ours, mine and Momo's. Only that Momo becomes me when she’s with Jeongyeon. You know what I mean?” I nod. I guess I see it.

“Only difference is, Momo’s not obsessively running after people with kisses.” I received a slap in the butt after that comment.

“Ready to disturb the kinda-sleeping couple?” I felt Sana grab my hand and tug me closer to the bed. I’m still debating whether It’s okay or not to disrupt such a peaceful scene. But my longing to show Momo I’m also here for her is stronger, so for know, I’m really sorry for messing up some JeongMo time.

I guess I nodded cos Sana and I are now beside the bed. Jeongyeon stalled her movements and opened her eyes when she heard Sana clear her throat. “Hi.” Sana said softly. Jeongyeon only smiled. On closer observation, it seemed like she did her share of crying. I probably would too. “Hey, Momoring. You have a guest.” Jeongyeon nudged Momo’s head with her nose.

“So weird.”

Momo’s head snapped back and looked up at me. Okay, maybe I said that aloud again.

“Hi Momo.” I said as I sat down beside them. “Unnie? What are you doing here?” her voice is still scratchy, from crying probably. I rolled my eyes and slapped her butt. “I’m here to comfort you properly. Also, YA! Why didn’t you tell me you’re having a hard time all these years?” I slapped her butt again.

I had to at least show them my displeasure for being out of the loop somehow. Momo pouted and Jeongyeon rolled her eyes. Okay some normalcy at last.

“If you didn’t look so cute right now I’d really be angry.” I’m probably pouting myself which really lessens the overall effect of the threat, but who cares? I’m here for Momo and I’m going to do my duty as her favorite person (the other members would say that's debatable) and comfort her.

“This isn't about you Nay—” I pressed my finger on Jeongyeon’s lips. “Shh. I’m not talking to you. Or better yet, how about you moveover a bit.” I pushed Jeongyeon a little so that I could get under the covers with them. Momo is just staring at me a little confused. I’ll admit, this is a little weird.

Sana opted to sit behind me but kept patting what I think might be Momo’s covered leg. I finally found a comfortable position and hugged Momo from behind, that’s when Jeongyeon stopped looking at me weird.

I tried to level out my breathing. How I’m going to start this off will decide whatever will be tonight’s outcome. I might have sighed loudly because I suddenly felt Momo’s hand grab mine so I entwined our fingers and held her tighter.

“So who’s going to explain this all to Jihyo?”

I heard a collective ‘YA!’ from Jeongyeon and Sana. I also felt Sana slap my butt again and I heard Jeongyeon incessant muttering. But I think I got the reaction I wanted when I felt Momo start giggling and heard her adorably shrill laughter.

I chuckled slightly and whispered in her ear. “We’re one together. Always.” I knew she heard me when I felt her nod, all was left for me to do is place a kiss on her cheek. Which had Sana up in my case demanding I give her one too.

‘You know my heart, right Momo?’