Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"HEAR YE, HEAR YE, THE GREAT KING PAPYRUS, SPAGHETTORE PROFOUND, A-MAZE-ING PUZZLER, OUR BENEVOLENT LEADER, CALLS FOR ALL ELIGIBLE MONSTERS TO ENTER A OOONCE IN A LIFETIME CONTEST!! THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE CROWNED AS THE KING'S CONSORT, ADVISOR, AND CO-REGNANT!! ENTER TODAY AND FACE JAPES, PUZZLES, AND HORRORS OF THE UNIMAGINABLE KIND!! TWENTY MONSTERS WILL BE DRAWN THROUGH LOTS. OF THOSE TWENTY, ONE WILL REIGN!!!" 

It was a nice damp evening in Waterfall. Emphasis on the was. A poorly thrown rock misses Royal Guard 02. He bobs his head like a chicken to search for the attacker. I whistle innocently and hide my other rock behind my back. He turns away. And the second rock clunks him on the back of his helmet. "Get outa here, royal scum!" I jeer. RG02 stomps through the crowd towards me, the traitors separating like water around a rock. 

"Look," Aw, how cute, he's trying to placate me, "I'm just telling you what the King said to tell you. You don't like it, you don't have to listen." 

I feel bad fo- wait, no, I don't. "Excuse me?" I look to the crowd for support. But all they give are disapproving shakes and tuts. "Look," I sneer, "I get that the 'king' is trying his best. What with his distractions, the annoying innocent act, and that STARS-AWFUL SPAGHETTI!! I get that he just wants everyone to be happy." The guard starts to say something. I cut him off with a sharp slice through the air. "All I'm saying is! He's not fooling anyone! We're starving out here, a human hasn't come down for ages, and even if one does come down??" The crowd is starting to drift uncomfortably away. "Even if one does come down, HAHA, We're supposed to feed it?? Give it puzzles?? Like it's some sort of friend??" The guard clears his throat. I heave a dramatic sigh. "Great. Take me away for 'disturbing the peace'. That's all grand an' all, but you know what's rEALLY DISTURBING??" I shout to the few remaining monsters. Royal Guard 02 pulls out a restrainer. "THAT NONE OF US CAN SPEAK OUR STARSDAMNED MINMMFFF-" The restrainer clips around my neck and I'm reduced to glaring stiffly at the Guard as he drags me away to who-knows-where. 

Stupid guards. Stupid monsters. Stupid king! They've all fallen for it! For what... I don't know exactly, true, but it's something! Something is being hidden from us. Some reason. Why would the king be so outrageously flamboyant otherwise? He's got something to hide. 

If only I had a better handle on my temper. I might have been able to join the contest and find out what it is. Now, though. Now because of a few rocks and true words I'm being dragged into the depths of the castle. It's not a very impressive castle, either. Just grey stone. And more grey stone. I don't know what happens to people in here. Since I haven't actually assaulted the guard, besides the rocks, they might let me off easy. But then again... I slandered the king. 

Guess I'm about to find out. RG02 shoves me through a door and into a golden hall. The door slams shut behind me. I'm tempted to just stay by the door. But that would be cowardly. I made my choices. Now I'll take what comes. 

I walk forward. Windows on one side tint the light golden. The pillars on the other side hold the castle up how subjects are supposed to hold their king up. The thought of submitting like that to anyone repulses me. 

"heya." I meet my judge. And he's a happy rotund skeleton in a fuzzy blue hoodie. Why was I scared, again? Wait. Isn't the king a skele- "so you've been busy, huh." 

"Busy telling the truth?" My mouth shoots back. "Yeah. Bet your 'king' has been busy too." In for a penny, in for a pound...

"hey, buddy. i don't know what problem you have with my bro, but he's doing the best he can." The skeleton is still grinning despite the palpable steel in his voice. "you being ungrateful won't help matters." 

Thump. Thump. The sound pounds in my head. "Hah." My palms sting. "Ungrateful," I grit out, "Oh, so ungrateful of starving monsters to die. So ungrateful of my neighbor's kids to be bullied for the bits of food they have. Because your brother wasted good food to make that inedible slop he calls spaghetti." I breathe and smile sweetly. "But go ahead, call us ungrateful if it'll make you feel better." 

The skeleton glares with black sockets. I refuse to be intimidated. Time passes in dust particles dancing through fake sunbeams. He speaks. "heh. you've got a point there." As if to himself, he adds, "might's well see where this ends up." 

"So what're you going to do??" 

"me? do? nah. i think you meant what're you going to do." He winks lazily.

I blink in momentary confusion. "What're I? Going to do?" 

"yup. you don't have to throw rocks at guards and stir up the populace to make changes." That's news to me. Not. "maybe you should just join the competition. if you win, you get to advise the king. plus other perks." He doesn't sound too pleased about the other perks. 

"Great idea," I mock, "let's have the rioter woo the king. That won't end badly at all." 

"glad you're on board." He completely ignores my sarcasm. He's now officially the most annoying person ever. "you can go now." 

He's letting me go. Just like that. Wow. "I'd say see ya, but I have no desire to see you ever again." I turn on my heel and start stomping out. 

"same goes for me, pal." I'm suddenly halted in my tracks, my soul heavy as iron. This is- a blue attack. Okay. I'm intimidated now. "turn around." I obey. The twin black voids pierce me. "if you ever slander my brother again or hurt him in any way, you will answer to me, capiche?" I nod quickly. The weight disappears. Lights appear in his pupils. The storm has passed. "good job. oh, and by the way, i hope you weren't being sarcastic earlier," I hate this guy so much right now, "cause my bro would really love to have lots of people sign up." 

I've been defeated. He didn't even initiate an encounter and I've been defeated. I bow low and cross my arms over my chest, glaring at a dust mote on the ground. "I understand. Thank you, merciful judge."  The tone is twisted just enough to be venomous without being aggressive. 

"name's sans. you're welcome. now go away." I rise and swivel, walking quickly back down the hall. The door is open and unguarded. 

I leave without once looking back. 

Chapter Text

I hand the form over to Captain Dogaressa. She glares and puts it with the rest. I leave before she can say anything. 

Waterfall is peaceful. The rain drip-drips over the mossy rocks. The glowing water shimmers and swirls. Too peaceful. It's silent. Every monster is waiting eagerly in Snowdin Square for the herald to come and announce the twenty contestants. 

And I'm using this peacefulness to vandalize. I've already chosen my target. The house of the former Captain. It's been painted to look like a fierce fish... maybe I can give it a moustache. I shake the cans of magispray in preparation. 

"OH, UNDYNE." The loud, and sad, voice stops me. "IF ONLY YOU WOULD COME BACK FROM VACATION. YOU WOULD KNOW HOW TO RULE. AND YOU COULD HELP ME COOK!! WE WERE... ACTUALLY REALLY BAD AT COOKING, WEREN'T WE..." It's the king. He hasn't seen me yet, so I take advantage of his distraction to sidle behind the house. "I'VE BEEN MAKING SPAGHETTI THE WAY YOU TAUGHT ME TOO!! AND... EVERYONE HATES IT..." That's because it tastes like garbage-water. "I JUST WANTED TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY. I CAN'T DO THIS, UNDYNE... NOT WITHOUT YOU..." 

"Stop it with your wimpiness!" I yell back, done with his whining. 

"U-UNDYNE? YOU'RE BACK?" The amount of hope in his words hurts. 

"No, idiot. Undyne's dead. The human that you proclaim to love killed her!" I step out and face the king. He looks like he's been torn apart

"What?" The lowered volume jars me. 

"She- she can't be... Sans said-"

"People lie." 

He bows his skull. The robes he's wearing look as heavy as a ton of iron. "How- How do I know you are not lying?" 

"Because she hasn't come back in years, now. Because the Underground isn't that big and you would've, someone would've found her if there was anything to find." The judge's warning flashes through your memory. Whatever. "She's dead." 

"Does that mean that everyone else who was on vacation is actually- dead?" His voice cracks. 

I shrug eloquently. "Probably." He sags even more. I've never seen him like this. No one has. "But that's okay, because you're the Great Papyrus!" I sneer. He winces. "And if you're that great, you'd know that we're all starving down here while you're moping for your captain!" I start to wonder if I've gone too far, then realize I don’t give a fuck, but Papyrus puffs up. It's kinda impressive. 

"I AM THAT GREAT. THANK YOU, SUBJECT, FOR YOUR HONESTY." I open my mouth and he cuts me off with a royal wave. "THIS SITUATION IS INEXCUSABLE. UNDYNE WOULD BE SHIVERING IN HER DUST IF SHE KNEW THAT I AM MOPING OVER HER. NO MORE! I SHALL FIX THIS COUNTRY, I SHALL HELP YOU AND YOUR NEIGHBORS." The robes swish as he turns to walk away. Maybe i can vandalize in peace no-

"OH," His sockets fix me with a stern frown, "AND IF I SEE ANY NEW MARKS ON HER HOUSE, YOU WILL NOT HAVE A PLEASANT TIME. NYEH HEH HEH HEH!!" Papyrus stomps off. 

The magispray cans drop to the ground. Even I'm not that stupid. Although, I could probably get away with some in the back, just out of spite. But now the low murmur of voices return to Waterfall. It's over. How many monsters signed up? Probably a lot. There seems to be a myriad of disappointed sighs. 

I wander the dump, avoiding the other monsters. I don't want to hear about the stupid contest. As long as I'm not in it, the whole kingdom can rot themselves in contrived sweetness for all I care. Then- Jerry. 

"KA-sigh." He says. 

"Oh, hey Jerry. You're looking stinky today." A bullet-pattern flies towards the ?octupus? monster. He actually manages to dodge one this time. "Idiot," I say without any real vitriol, "you're supposed to run away from the bullets, not into them." 

"Wow, you suck at this." Jerry plops down onto a crate. "Awkwarrrrd. Where'd they go??" 

"They ditched you. Again. Seriously, you suck at peopling."  I plop down onto another crate. 

"Well... can YOU give me a ride home?" He hands a paper over and I take it. 

"Ok," I scan the list of names. "Nice bunch they've rounded up. Shyren, Dogaressa, wait, Grillby? Wow, didn't think he'd be the type..."

"Why are we doing this? Such a fail." A slimy tentacle pats my back. 

"Yeah..." I reply numbly, "it is..." 

The fifth name down is my own. 

Chapter Text

Hmm, what should I wear for the presentation? Oh, I know! My grimiest clothes! An outfit with the most clasherific colors and patterns I can find! And the finishing touch, I'll wear dirty socks with no shoes. This'll be sure to get me out of the running. And if I'm really lucky, it'll keep the judge from recognizing me. After all, I did hurt the king... but hey, maybe the king didn't tell anyone! 

...Riiight. I'm going to have to avoid the judge guy like falling down. 

I show up at the castle on the date of the presentation. I'm early. It was either arrive too early or too late, and arriving late is a fashion statement that started with Mettaton and caught like wildfire. So early it is. I can faintly hear birds singing as I walk through the golden hall to the throne room. The judge doesn't appear, good. 

The throne room is covered in blooming yellow flowers. I sit down in one corner, carefully as to avoid ruining them. Now? I wait. The throne room, unlike most of the rest of the castle, is actually impressive. Light shines down from a hole in the ceiling. It's real sunlight. It's warm. We could have felt more of this. If only the human hadn't been so strong. So cruel. They come in, kill our Captain, our Star, and our King, then leave us to deal with the aftermath. 

Wait, is there someone on the throne? There's no movement but there's definitely a misshapen lump, someone possibly curled up in a red robe that blends with the red cushioning. 

"hey bro." The judge's voice sounds from the hall door. I freeze and hope to the stars that the judge doesn't notice me. "you okay there?" The lump in the throne shifts and unfurls. A bleary-socketed skull emerges. 

"What- WHAT TIME IS IT, SANS?" 

"at least eleven in the morning, bro. they'll be here soon." 

"TH-THANK YOU." Papyrus frowns. "HAVE YOU SHOWERED RECENTLY?? YOU MUST GIVE OFF A REGAL AIR AND STINKING LIKE SLIME WILL NOT ACHIEVE THAT." So that's what that musty smell is. 

"ok." The apathy is palpable. 

"SAANS, I'M SERIOUS!!" Papyrus stomps his foot on the ground.

"hi serious, i'm sans. 'shower' you doing?" 

"SAAAAAANS!!!" I stifle a giggle and glare at the traitorous lightness in my soul. "THIS IS NO TIME TO BE TELLING HORRIBLE PUNS!! GO CLEAN UP, THAT IS AN ORDER!!" His robe flips elegantly over his shoulder as he slashes a commanding arm through the air. 

"ok, i will 'soap' at once." Papyrus's glare intensifies. 

"WATER YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH WITH THESE LOW-CALIBER JOKES, BROTHER? ARE YOU- PERHAPS- SCARED??" Papyrus slips the pun in with practiced ease. It was actually good. 

"heh, me? scared? of what?" Yup. He's scared. 

"OF ME DEVOTING TIME AND ENERGY TO ANOTHER. THAT WE WILL... DRIFT APART. THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT BE THE SAME. O-OF COURSE, I AM NOT SCARED OF THOSE THINGS!! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS ONLY WORRIED FOR HIS BROTHER!!" 

"you're the greatest. and yeah, i guess i am. i just- don't want to lose you." 

"OH SANS. YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME!! THE GREAT PAPYRUS HAS THE CAPACITY TO LOVE MANY PEOPLE AT ONCE!! I WILL NEVER LOVE YOU ANY LESS. BESIDES-" his grin turns into a grimace, "I AM NOT LIKELY TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ANY OF THEM. THIS MARRIAGE IS SOLELY TO LIFT THE PEOPLE'S SPIRITS AND BRING ANOTHER ADVISOR AND HELPER ON BOARD." Wait, he's doing it all just for that? "YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY OF THAT." 

"yeah. okay, bro." Sans doesn't sound  convinced. "but you do realize you don't have to go through with this, right?" 

"OF COURSE!! I WOULD NOT DO IT UNLESS I FELT IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY." Sitting on the throne, wrapped in a disheveled robe, a look of determined hope on his face, Papyrus suddenly looks like the king he is. I can see the bud of admiration for him blooming in my soul but can't bring myself to smudge it out. 

"ok bro. i trust you." 

"NYEHEHEH!! OF COURSE YOU DO!! NOW GO TAKE A SHOWER." 

"heh, yes, your majesty." 

Papyrus keeps the smiling frown on his face for a beat longer. Then it drops and he flops back in the throne with a heavy sigh. I'm. probably intruding on something private- a face he never shows to anyone. Then I remember, I've seen him like this before. 

The mask shifts over his face again as quickly as it had dropped. King Papyrus sits up and adjusts his crown. Clomping steps echo into the room, followed by the chosen monsters. I recognize all of them. But I don't really know any of them besides their names. 

The King stands and mingles with the trickling throng. He greets every monster by name and trades pleasantries before moving to the next. He interacts so easily, so casually with them, while still maintaining a certain reservedness. He's still talking really loudly though. 

"Hey! Would you mind being a bit quieter?? Some of us have headaches!!" I push my way through the monsters to glare at him. 

The atmosphere is stony. Every other monster looks like they want to throw bricks at me. The King grins. "Of Course, My Apologies. I Just Get So Excited To See- WAIT- YOU!!" I may have made a slight mistake... "YOU DI- Did Not Touch The House, Did You?" He says as if it were completely unimportant. 

"I painted all over it." I say the obviously wrong thing and stick my tongue out. 

A flash of rage? something crosses his face. It quickly disappears again in his bombastic smile. "NYEH HEH HEH, THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WITH HOUSES, AFTER ALL." The other monsters laugh, ignoring how his voice is slightly louder than before. 

Guilt? Nah, that's just indigestion. From the- nothing- that I ate... 

The presentation goes on for hours. Or maybe minutes. I can't tell. King Papyrus talks with every contestant privately in turn. When they finish, the contestant returns to their home. The room gets quieter and quieter as it empties. Only three others, all talking to each other in low whispers and throwing glares at me. Only one other, twitching his tail in discomfort. I only have to hiss at him and he squeaks. Ha, poor wimp. The King enters at that moment and pins me with a stern frown. I jut my chin out and hiss at him. 

It's just me left. The King comes back to me plucking the petals off a flower. 

He snatches the ruined plant away. "WHAT WAS YOUR PURPOSE IN APPLYING FOR THIS??" He cuts straight to the point. "

"I was told to apply. By your brother. Guess he thought it would be funny or something." 

"WHEN DID YOU SEE MY BROTHER? HE NEVER GOES OUT EXCEPT TO GRILLBY'S." He's grilling me. This was unexpected. I'll have to tread carefully. If Sans was strong enough to do a blue attack, who knows how powerful the king is. 

...maybe I shouldn't have told him I painted Undyne's house...

"I got arrested. For throwing rocks at a guard. And telling the truth." This is not treading carefully, idiot!! 

"ARRESTED. YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT SANS WOULD HAVE A RIOTER COMPETE FOR MY AFFECTIONS?? THAT IS... NOT ENTIRELY UNBELIEVABLE. PERHAPS HE THOUGHT YOU WOULD NOT GET THIS FAR." He twirls his hand and a bone forms in it. 

"Yeah, me neither." I back away slowly. "Ha, ha, funny, right?" 

"HILARIOUS." He plants the bone in the ground. "WHAT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW, THOUGH, IS WHY YOU DARED TO SHOW YOUR FACE AFTER DISRESPECTING MY DEAD FRIEND'S MEMORY AND BY PROXY ME AFTER I SPECIFICALLY WARNED YOU TO NOT. TOUCH. HER HOUSE." His sockets narrow. 

"I-" What's with this pit in my soul? Get ahold of yourself! He wouldn't actually kill his subject! "Ohh, that house. Heh, I thought you were talking about another house." Another bone forms in his other hand and suddenly I'm not so sure. "I didn't paint her house, though!" 

"I WILL CHECK IT. AND IF I FIND EVEN A SCRATCH..." he trails off menacingly. 

"I swear by the stars, I didn't touch it!" I had been considering it, but I don't tell him that. 

"WE SHALL SEE. NOW, I SUPPOSE YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING TO BE DISQUALIFIED. YOU CERTAINLY DON'T DESERVE TO STAY ON. BUT THEN AGAIN... NYEH HEH, WHO CAN RESIST MY CHARM?" His scarf flutters in the wind. Wait, he has a scarf? "YOU WILL BE CALLED BACK TO THE PALACE WITH FOURTEEN OTHERS. UNTIL THEN, AW REVWORUH!!" 

I didn't lose the competition. I... am such an idiot. He's defeating me and I haven't even tried to fight back yet!!  I walk back in a daze to my home. 

No. I will be disqualified. I will lose and by losing win. 

Chapter Text

One week. One week before the fifteen monsters left will move to the castle for the second stage. 

And I'm one of them. How that happened, I don't know. But being grimy and disrespectful had had the opposite effect I wanted, so maybe I should dress up this time. I spend my last week of freedom trying to rouse villagers in protests against the King's human-treatment decree. No one listens. I explain in great length to whoever I can find that humans killed our loved ones and trapped us down here. All they say, though, is "King Papyrus knows what he's doing," or "Shut up and let me sleep, kid." No one will listen. Except Jerry, but everyone hates Jerry. No one ever listens, besides Jerry. Even when I'm right. And I am right about this!! Humans are evil. And our 'King' is too stupid to realize it!! 

I make the mistake of saying that out loud in front of Captain Dogaressa. She's always been unstable since the death of her husband anyway. But now she explodes in a raging whirlwind of axes and broken hearts. 

"How dare you!! King Papyrus is the best King ever!! He visited my hot-dog every day to try to lift his hope!! It's - it's not his fault- Asgore made us hunt humans- not his fault!!" She breaks down. 

I flee. I can't handle grieving people. But I do send an anonymous message to the castle to tell the King that his Captain needs tending to. 

The week ends quickly. Too quickly. I dress in the finest suit I own. But still only wear dirty socks on my feet. Hey, they're comfy. And no one will see them. 

They didn't notice that I had arrived  early the other time. So I'll try that again. I walk down the empty golden hall. 

"welp. here we are again." Sans stands in the way. I yelp, despite my best efforts. "heh. always such a pleasure." 

"Wh-what? I entered like you said. Not my fault I got in."

"remember when you slandered my bro? twice?" His grin is taut. 

"Y-yeah, well, it's not slander if it's true!" I fire back. 

He doesn't act like he hears me. "under the circumstances, heh, well, i've been shockingly nice." Encounter-space swallows the surroundings in black. His sockets blink and open as voids. "you think you can hurt my bro? not on your life, pal." 

I'm blue now. The leaden weight wraps around my soul and drags it to the ground. "There's been some mistake!" I cross my arms. "I never touched him!" 

"oh really." Sans growls. "he came home a week ago crying because some cruel person told him undyne's dead. that sure seems like hurting him to me." 

"Ha, what?" This dude is unbelievable. "You're the one who made him think Undyne was still alive in the first place! If you just told him the truth, he would've been able to let go sooner!" The lead twists and clenches. My teeth grit. 

"this isn't about me. don't you think you've stirred up enough trouble, rioter?" Sans says coldly. 

"N-not enou-gh." I gasp out. The tiles crack beneath me. 

"heh. too bad your opinion doesn't matter. drop out of the contest. i'm done letting people walk all over my bro. capiche?" 

"M-maybe the-they walk all ov-er him bec-ause he's k-kept in the da-ark." 

Sans doesn't move. His sockets are still black. Did I break him? I try to end the encounter. Nothing happens. 

The weight jerks up and the hall blurs. I see for one sick moment his hand raised, an angry fire in one eye. Pain cracks red and black. 

F a l l i n g . . . 

Distant thud. Golden light hugs. Loud voice. Comforting blackness. 

Chapter Text

Garbled voices cut through the thick haze of slumber. Don't want to wake up. Waking up means hunger and people not listening. And Jerry. Jerry's not bad. Just really bad at peopling and super annoying. Like me. Maybe that's why I get along with him so well. Aarrgghh, I'm awake now. Great. Where- where am I? These blankets are super soft and cushy... not mine. Maybe I stole them. Heh, better not let the king know I steal things too... that would just be another piece of wood on the ever-growing bonfire. "WELL, I KNOW NOW." Oh no. Whatever will I do. "SARCASTIC TONE ASIDE, YOU SHOULD CONTINUE TO REST. I WILL MAKE YOU SOME OF MY SPAGHETTI SO YOU GET BETTER." 

I shoot up from the bed. "No need! Really! I'm in perfect hea-oww..." Pain lances through my back and I flop back into the bed. 

"PERFECT WHAT?" Papyrus grins down. "ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING, YOU WILL BE CONFINED TO QUARTERS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. BECAUSE OF YOUR INJURY. DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE A RIOTER AND SANS DOESN'T TRUST YOU TO NOT STIR UP TROUBLE OR ANYTHING!" 

I give him a deadpan look. "I'm fine. I just need food and I'll be healed. And if you're that worried, why'd you keep me in the contest in the first place, hmm?" 

"PERFECT. IT'S SETTLED THEN. I SHALL GET YOU SOME SPAGHETTI." Papyrus twirls out of the room before I can beg for anything but his infamous spaghetti. The door slams shut behind him. What was my plan, again? 

At any rate, if I make a really bad impression on him he won't keep me for the third stage. But then... there's Sans. He's only ever used the blue attack on me. And that alone was pretty freaking scary. Antagonizing him is probably a bad idea. 

I try to get up again, wincing as fire sparks through the injuries. But I manage to stand. I find a cinnabunny in my inventory and eat it, relaxing as the pain is burned away and my HP is restored. 

The door isn't locked, which is kinda surprising. But I'm not complaining. My footsteps echo through the silent halls. I don't know where I am. I choose a random direction and start exploring. 

I open a random door to the clattering of pots and dishes. Papyrus looks up from a pot of black bubbling something. He's juggling plates... at the same time... "WHAT? THIS IS HOW THE GREATEST AMOUNT OF FLAVOUR WILL GET IN. I AM FUELING IT WITH MY PASSION!!" His voice cracks. 

"Uh, okay." I'm too tired for this. I was almost killed. I'm stuck here against my will. Even though, technically, I could just run away. Or, something. "Can I join you?"

"HMM... SINCE I AM SO GRACIOUS, I SHALL IGNORE YOUR FLAGRANT ATTEMPT TO GET IN MY GOOD BOOK. IT IS BEST THAT YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY SPAGHETTI THOUGH, SINCE YOU ARE JUST GIVING UP LIKE THAT." What.

"Oh really?? Well, your spaghetti is terrible! We're starving because it's so bad!! So stand aside aND LET ME HELP YOU!!" I make a dive for the pot- and scrabble uselessly in the air as Papyrus lifts me. The plates crash around us. 

"I DON'T KNOW, RIOTER... YOUR PASSION LACKS A CERTAIN... SOPHISTICATION." Moon curse him, he's grinning evilly. 

I cross my arms, still dangling from his arm. He's pretty strong. "Sophistication?? You lack any sort of success whatsoever!!" 

"OH..." Papyrus trails off. His eyes are faraway. He snaps back to reality and drops me in an undignified heap on the ground, turning away. "I STILL MAKE IT, THOUGH." 

"Yeah, well, maybe you should not.” I snap. 

His back is to me. His shoulders shake. Is he- a sob cracks through the tense silence. He is. Shit, if Sans was mad enough to nearly kill me before, he’s going fucking boil me alive now that I made his brother break down crying again. 

“Uh-” I really can’t handle grief.

“SILENCE.” He sobs angrily. “GET OUT. LEAVE. I DON’T CARE. YOU ARE FREE TO GO.” 

Sick guilt curls in my stomach beside taut terror. I don’t dare apologize, though. If Sans kills me, I deserve it. I turn to go, but then his voice stops me. It’s soft, subdued, no trace of arrogance or pompousness. “I just- thought if I kept cooking for everyone- kept getting better- I could encourage people to give up on giving up.” 

I almost snap back, with nothing left to lose. But I stop myself short, realizing as though from a distance what an asshole I’ve been to him the whole time. “I- It worked.” I sigh instead, matching his sad tone. 

He turns, tear tracks trailing down his smoke-stained skull. “Really?” He asks hopefully. 

“Really.” I reply, and then feel compelled to continue, “Everyone I know loves you and believes in you. You- give them hope.” And I never really realized it to be true until the words left my soul. “You give them something to live for.” 

“I- I do, don’t I.” He says, regaining some of his natural arrogance. Or maybe that’s just something he has to do, to encourage himself. 

“I- I apologize.” I bow my head, and for the first time acknowledge the guilt in my soul. “I’ve- gone too far.” 

Papyrus sniffles. “I forgive you for your cruel words.” His jaws twist and his sockets crinkle in a wicked smile. “AND IF YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE THAT EASY TO BE DISQUALIFIED... YOU’RE DEAD WRONG.” 

Despite myself, I smile crookedly in defeat. “Ah, foiled again.” I bemoan my fate. 

“NYEH HEH HEH, NONE CAN DEFEAT THE GREAT PAPYRUS!!” He crows. “NOW COME. IF YOU THINK MY SPAGHETTI IS SO BAD, LET’S SEE YOU DO BETTER!!” 

So the next hour is spent teaching him how to cook. Most of it, admittedly, is spent trying to make him unlearn terrible culinary habits like letting the noodles burn or stabbing the pot with an attack to stir it. But- it’s actually fun. I actually manage to curb my naturally acerbic tongue. Most of the time. When I accidentally let out a snappy remark or too-sharp criticism, he just glares at me until I apologize. And- it gets easier. 

Chapter Text

And then he declares with a grin that it’s time for the contest. I honestly forgot about that and thought I missed it, but he claims he postponed it when he found out I was injured. 

So I return to the throne room while he prepares. I’m terrified of running into Sans again, but luckily he doesn’t show up. 

My fellow contestants all glare at me when I enter. I grin innocently. “Anybody here for the revolution?” I ask jokingly. 

Nobody laughs. They ignore me and turn to their little groups. A pang of anger rushes through my soul. Jealousy. Rage. I’m always shunned and hated. Papyrus is always listened to and doted on. When he enters, resplendent in his robes, I stay to the back and glare at the flowers he’s somehow managed to keep alive. 

This contest is of wits and courage, so everyone goes to Hotland where Blue Pal, or BP for short, has set up a rough stage, lighting, and cameras. In the wake of Mettaton’s death, whom I always hated anyway, BP has taken over as the director of Underground’s main source of entertainment. 

The contest consists of an electric maze, an old-fashioned rock puzzle, and finally a spar with Papyrus himself. When I hear that, the pit of my stomach drops to the tip of my tail. I have no delusions about him going easy on me after everything I’ve said and done. 

Three are disqualified in the first puzzle, four in the second. It would be easy to lose on purpose, but my pride is at stake now, and while I’m terrified of the coming spar—curb-stomp is more accurate—I still do my best in the puzzles and actually manage to finish in third place.  

The first two to face Papyrus lose in a matter of seconds, forfeiting their Encounters as soon as he throws his first pattern at them. I watch, and I learn. He’s clever, strategical, and he has the tactical advantage on me of having higher ATK and DEF along with a greater mastery over his magic. 

Then it’s my turn. I was able to face Sans without trembling, but my spine is weak now and threatens to melt into a puddle. But I have my pride to consider. This is what I wanted, to face the King and let him know exactly what I think of his ruling style. 

The Encounter space surrounds us in black, our bodies seen as white silhouettes  in stark contrast. My soul is drawn forth as he makes the first move. And I feel steely fire well behind my eyes. I will not go down easily. “Give it all you’ve got.” I hiss. 

“ONLY IF YOU PROVE TO BE A WORTHY OPPONENT.” He replies with a grand gesture and a sweeping bullet pattern that I weave through. 

“That was pathetic, King, you’re the strongest of any of us, surely you’ve got more than that!” I jeer. It’s my turn. I send my easiest pattern out to gauge how he is. He dodges every single bullet easily and grins haughtily at me. 

“THAT WAS HARDLY A CHALLENGE.” He says. 

“Oh, I’ll give you a challenge.” I sneer and then am forced to lightly dance around the white and cyan bone attacks that race through Encounter space. But then I freeze as a cyan bone passes through me and an unfortunately familiar feeling wraps around my soul like iron. Damn it. 

“YOU’RE BLUE NOW, NYEH HEH HEH!!” He crows. I’m at his mercy now and we both know it. 

For my next turn, I throw a harder pattern at him, expecting him to just breeze through it. But when I focus as he weaves through the pattern, I’m able to alter it and throw him off balance. He gets hit. Twenty points to me. I don’t have time to cheer though, as it’s now his turn. 

“YOU KNOW, YOU’VE BEEN VERY RUDE TO MORE PEOPLE THAN JUST ME.” He admonishes sternly, his magic holding me in place. “APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE WATCHING AND I MAY TAKE MERCY ON YOU.” 

Anger flares in response. “No fucking way am I apologizing to those idiots for telling the truth!” I say hotly, then go cold at the sharpness of his grinning jaws and glaring sockets. 

“VERY WELL, THEN.” He says in a dark tone that chills me to my core. “I WILL SHOW BOTH JUSTICE AND MERCY IN BRINGING YOU DOWN TO EXACTLY ONE HIT POINT.” 

“Ha!” I laugh despite my dread telling me he’s not bluffing. “Try it!” 

He ends his attack. He’s giving me one last chance to forfeit and back out. I should take it and run. But since when have I ever done the smart thing? 

Instead, I invent a difficult pattern and throw it at him, making it up and altering it as I go. My points add up as he gets hit with increasing frequency. He’s almost at the forfeit level. But he just grins and holds up one finger. And I feel sicker and sicker with dreadful anticipation as my time runs out. If he’s really not bluffing... if he really can bring me down to one HP in a single turn and those other turns were mere child’s play to him... He could just as easily kill me and wipe his hands of the trouble I cause. Nobody would care if I died, not even Jerry. Most might even be happy about it. I know Sans would be. 

I don’t fall to the ground and beg for my life though. I face him with fire in my eyes. His turn begins.

Every pattern I’ve seen him use before was chestnuts compared to what he throws at me now. I dance and weave and hop dexterously around but the attacks keep coming faster and harder. I get hit once. And then again.  And again, more and more often. And each hit I take cuts forty HP. I start to panic when I realize the number doesn’t divide evenly into what HP I have left, so there’s no way he’ll be able to stop at one HP exactly. I’m going to die. 

The realization brings a certain calm with it. Papyrus’s ATK is too high for me to handle. I’m going to die and he’s going to be the one to kill me. It has a certain justice to it. 

But I make it a challenge. I won’t die easily. I sneer at him as my soul weaves through dangerously fast and complicated thickets of bones, down to less than a hundred HP. Three hits. That’s all it will take. Three hits. 

“That all you got??” I demand, panting. 

“HM. YOU REALLY ARE VERY GOOD, I WILL ADMIT.” He grins and I have the terrible feeling that he’s still been holding back. “I HONESTLY WASN’T EXPECTING YOU TO LAST THIS LONG. I WILL GIVE YOU ONE LAST CHANCE. APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE AND I WILL FORFEIT. YOU WILL BE THE FIRST SINCE UNDYNE TO DEFEAT ME.” 

I should take this chance. I know I should. Even my pride is willing to be humbled in exchange for the badge of honor that defeating the King in battle would be. But I smile grimly at him. “Do your worst.” I dare. 

Papyrus nods. The gesture of solemn respect catches me off guard almost as much as the two draconic skulls hanging in the air. I drop to the ground heavily. Three strikes. That’s it, and then it will all be over. Three. 

The skulls whine as their maws fill with iridescent fire. One fires and the blast scorches my soul, lasting for an infinite moment. Two. The other fires, blazing agony. One. 

Papyrus steps forward. A sharp blade forms in his hand and slashes down. My eyes flinch shut at the blow, unwilling to see the end. The sword slices through my soul with a burning pain. 

But I don’t shatter...?

Surprised, I open my eyes. My HP is at exactly one. But- there’s no way... no monster can change the power of their bullets willy-nilly. 

I stare up at him in amazement. He ends his turn. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“WHAT WAS THAT?” He says sharply, offering a hand. “I DON’T THINK ANYBODY HEARD YOU.”

I take it and he lifts me to my feet effortlessly. “I- I apologize. To everyone.” I say, louder. “I’ve been an asshole.” 

Arms wrap tightly around me, sending a jolt of shock down my spine. His arms. He’s hugging me. “I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!!” He crows happily. 

“Stop crying.” I roll my eyes, embarrassed and trying to hide the fact that I kinda sorta like it. 

“I- I’M NOT CRYING!!! I’M JUST SO PROUD OF YOU!!” 

A hot flush rushes through my soul, euphoria and confusion mixing. “Y-yeah?” 

“YEAH!!” He says and lets go, stepping back. Then he pats my head with his gauntleted hand. “You fight well.” He says in a low voice meant for me alone. My cheeks burn and I look away, trying to glare through my blurry vision. 

“Y-yeah, well, you’re pretty strong, so whatever.” I admit. 

“I KNOW!” He replies jauntily, and then goes into a rant about how strong and controlled he is. My bitterness isn’t healed yet, but I don’t interject with any scathing remarks either. 

Chapter Text

Five of the fifteen will move onto the next phase, actually wooing the King. Dogaressa almost manages to make Papyrus forfeit in her spar but then forfeits herself. Papyrus lists off the five remaining contestants. My name is the first to be called out. 

I move to the palace with the four other remaining contestants: Grillby, Lavender aka drunk bunny (who’s been sober two years now thanks to Papyrus), Shyren, and Dogaressa. Each has their own reason for wanting to win. Each also has good reason to hate me. 

I wave innocently at Dogaressa, who snaps her teeth and growls when I enter the common living room. “Why are you still here??” She demands. “How do you keep bamboozling the King??”

“Honestly, I was trying to lose.” I tell her. 

“Then why’d you enter?”

“Sans.” She nods like that makes sense. Oh shit, I forgot about him. He’s going to kill me if he ever finds out I made Papyrus cry. 

Sans turns out to be the guy in charge of the suitors’ living arrangements. Wonderful. I smile wanly at him. He grins coldly back. 

He hands out room and activity assignments to everyone else before turning to me. “hey, pal.” He says, giving away nothing in his enigmatic grin and icy sockets. “why don’t we have a chat.” 

I follow him out to the golden hall, remembering the feeling of being slammed against the ceiling so hard that pain burst like the sun across my body. I look up. The ceiling is cracked in that spot. I gulp down my apprehension, not wanting to find out just how painfully he’s going to shatter my soul. It won’t be hard, since I’m still recovering HP from the fight with Papyrus. 

“so. you’ve been busy, huh.” 

“Guess so.” I say shortly. 

“don’t think i don’t know exactly what happened before your spar.” His sockets black out. “i haven’t seen him that-“

“I’m sorry, stars, I already apologized to him!” I snap defensively. “And he beat me up in the spar, isn’t that enough for you?” 

Sans actually looks confused for a moment and I wonder if I misread the situation.

“if you’ll let me finish. i was about to say i hadn’t seen him that happy in a while.” 

What. 

“i figured you two musta done something.” He looks disgusted. “and i figured i’d warn ya, if you hurt my bro...”

“I made him cry.” I admit. “We didn’t kiss or anything, we just- talked. Cooked. But- yeah. Before that... I was cruel to him.” 

“oh.” He says. 

You kneel before him. “I hurt your brother. Go ahead and hurt me, kill me.”

“you’re weird, y’know that? stand up, kid.” He says, gently. “i can’t kill someone that sincere. especially not when Papyrus has taken a shine to you.” I rise unsteadily, willing the blurriness from my vision. His pupils twinkle in his sockets and he holds out his hand. “truce?” He offers.

“R-really?” 

“paps was pretty pissed with me when i smacked you around. and he really did a number on you. so i figure he can fight his own battles. if you hurt him, you’ll have to answer to him, not me.” 

“YES, AND IF YOU HURT ANYBODY ELSE, I WON’T BE NEARLY SO MERCIFUL.” Papyrus says from behind you. 

A spike of anger worms its way to my mouth. “What about the humans??” I demand, turning to stare him down challengingly. “They hurt all of us, and you’re just going to let that go?? Feed them with our food?? I thought a good King was supposed to do what’s best for everyone and protect everyone!” 

The words hang in the tense air. Papyrus’s face falls. “I- “ Damn it, I was doing so well, too, but then my stupid asshole mouth had to open. I glare at a mote of dust in the golden light. 

“NOT ALL HUMANS ARE THE SAME. NOT ALL OF THEM ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR IMPRISONMENT AND DEATHS.” Papyrus says, almost gently. “WE CAN’T JUDGE A GROUP BASED ON THE ACTIONS OF A FEW. WE CAN, HOWEVER, JUDGE EACH INDIVIDUALLY BY THEIR ACTIONS.” 

“What about the Barrier??” I demand. I’ve already dug myself into this hole, I may as well dig deeper. 

“SANS OR DOGARESSA WILL TAKE CARE OF THE BARRIER IF A BAD HUMAN EVER COMES DOWN.” Papyrus replies, not seeming mad or upset by my question. 

“And- and what about-“ He holds up a hand.

“HERE’S A DEAL FOR YOU.” He says. “WIN AND I WILL ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS THAT YOU EVER COME UP WITH. LOSE AND BE PUT ON PUZZLE DUTY FOR A WHOLE YEAR.” He grins wickedly and turns to leave, then looks over his shoulder at you. “OH. AND I WON’T MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU, NYEH HEH HEH. I THINK I’VE TAKEN A FANCY TO GRILLBY. HE IS QUITE HOT, AFTER ALL.” 

My fists clench in determination and I smile despite myself. “Oh, yeah? I thought Dogaressa would be more your type.” I say lightly.

His cheekbones redden. “I- I CAN LIKE MORE THAN ONE PERSON AT ONCE!!” 

“Sure, King, just remember you made this contest. Don’t curse me out when you’re forced to choose between someone good for the kingdom or someone good for you.” 

He stares over his shoulder at me for a moment longer, then shakes his head and stomps out. 

Chapter Text

The first phase takes five days and nights. Each night is assigned to one of us to take the King out on a date. Each day is when we learn how the kingdom is ruled and how to help advise him if we win. 

Lavender is into aesthetics, and her date, the first night, consists of a picnic in the throne room amidst the flowers. She tells us all about it. Papyrus was a perfect gentleman and took her for a walk through Waterfall, where they talked about the flowers and how to best care for different types. 

Shyren has the second night. She doesn’t tell anybody what she has planned and she doesn’t regale us with how it unfolded, she only blushes and mumbles that he’s a very cute person. 

There’s a test on the third day. I never realized before these lessons how much really went into running a nation. But I pass the test easily and move onto the next lesson. The tests will probably matter more than the dates when rounding up points, so I focus on the lessons and decide to improvise when my turn for date-night comes.

Sans teaches the lessons. He doesn’t acknowledge what passed between Papyrus and I in the Hall and for all  I know, he could have left as soon as Papyrus came. 

The third night is Grillby’s turn. Shyren wishes him good luck and he nods in thanks. Grillby doesn’t talk much and when he does it’s laconic. But when he returns and Dogaressa asks him how it went, his flames flicker with pleased smugness. “It went- well.” He says softly. 

Every night after the date, everyone sits in the common living room and chats. I’m not welcome, of course, but I stand in the corner, watch the firelight flicker off of every face, and listen as each talks about why they want to become Papyrus’s consort.

Lavender’s reason is as simple as being in love with the one who helped her get back on her feet and stay sober after her sister fell down. 

Grillby wants to teach Papyrus to cook better and solve the Underground’s famine issue. 

Shyren just blushes when prodded. 

And Dogaressa wants to help Papyrus rule, providing emotional support for him the way he’s supported her ever since her husband’s death. Out of all of them, she should win. 

Nobody asks me why I want to win. And the truth is I didn’t use to. I used to hate the King and all he stood for. Now- I’m unsure. Knowing him, knowing that his innocence and exuberance isn’t an act at all and that he’s trying the best he can... I need to make up for all the trouble I’ve caused. He gave me a challenge and I’m going to rise to it. 

My night is the fourth. Dogaressa goes last. I don’t realize that until the day of, when Shyren asks what my plans are. I stare and finally mumble, “Revolution?” She stares back and then starts to wander off. “What did you do?” I ask suddenly, and then curse my forwardness. She’ll probably ignore me though like everyone else.

She blushes and tells you she had a very nice concert in Waterfall. Papyrus cheered her on and everybody loved her singing. She blushes even more then and mumbles that Blooky came too. 

“If you like Blooky, why are you wooing Papyrus?” I question. 

I had no idea her fish-head could turn so blue with embarrassment. She says in a soft voice, so soft you can barely hear her, “he gives me courage.” 

“Huh.” I say thoughtfully. “He tends to have that effect, doesn’t he.” She nods happily. 

And then it’s time for the date. Shyren dresses me up in a golden bow tie and dark purple suit. It was Undyne’s, she tells me, and she got it at the Captain’s death-gifting. I feel weird about wearing Papyrus’s friend’s clothes, but I’m part mer like Undyne so it’s one of the few suits that are actually cut in my general shape. 

“Thank you.” I tell her and she blushes again. I think I can safely count her as one of my few friends, possibly even my best friend. Jerry won’t mind. 

I go to the throne room to meet Papyrus. I haven’t seen him since he challenged me to win. 

He’s dressed in an elegant golden skirt and a breezy purple crop top. I bow to him and he pats my head. “YOU LOOK VERY NICE.” He says. 

“Why-“ I start to ask a question and then stop, remembering the terms. 

He grins. “ONE QUESTION.” 

“Why are you always so loud?” It’s a rude question but I only realize that after the words leave my mouth. 

“I Can Control My Volume If You Wish.” He says slightly quieter, sounding miffed. 

“I don’t mind it. I’m just curious. I always assumed your exuberance was a ploy to trick people into thinking you had everything under control.” 

“YOU HAVE A VERY LOW OPINION OF ME, DON’T YOU.” He says. 

“Had,” I correct him. “But now- I don’t know what to make of you.” 

Papyrus offers his arm and I take it. We start to walk out of the room. “I HAVE TROUBLE CONTROLLING MY VOLUME. I’VE BEEN TRYING TO LEARN, BUT IT’S DIFFICULT.” 

“Oh.” 

We walk through the Hall. The light caresses his skull, making him glow. “You look beautiful.” I tell him. 

“OF COURSE I DO, THE GREAT PAPYRUS MUST SET AN EXAMPLE FOR THE REST OF THE KINGDOM AFTER ALL!!” 

A few days ago I would have replied with an snappy remark. Now I don’t know what to say, the weight of all my sins hanging on my soul. I don’t know how to be anything other than an asshole. 

“YOU JUST ACT KIND AND TOLERANT INSTEAD OF JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS AND SAYING CRUEL THINGS.” Papyrus replies to the thoughts I accidentally spoke aloud. “OH, AND STOP STEALING THINGS, TOO. IF YOU STOLE ANYTHING, GIVE IT BACK.” 

I know suddenly what I want to do for the date. “Follow me.” I tell him and start striding with determination blazing in my limbs. He strides after me. 

Chapter Text

We go down to Hotland, through the refurbished Hotel, down the elevators, and into Waterfall. I lead him down through the tunnels until we reach my house.

It’s a shanty, actually. Rickety and constructed with junk that fell into the Dump or odds and ends I stole from other people when they weren’t using them. There are other shanties around the marsh, spread out, a small village. I call out to the neighbors’ kids, who are playing swamp-tag. “Hey!! Come meet Papyrus!” 

The twelve kids run up, screaming and laughing shrilly as they drag us into their game. Papyrus looks to me in helpless confusion as his hand is grabbed by a little mer. “I’m Undyne!” She says happily. She can’t be more than three years, missing the human’s fall by two.

Papyrus looks suddenly wracked with startled grief. But then he grins at her, blinking away the tears that had started to gather in his sockets. “HELLO, UNDYNE! I’M PAPYRUS!! WILL YOU SHOW ME HOW TO PLAY?” 

The kids shriek with happiness when I am tagged and become the Human, chasing down my prey. Papyrus laughs and runs around with them, giving each a turn to ride on his shoulders. I stop to pant for breath and watch him. He looks like he’s honestly having a good time—the first since I’ve met him. 

Eventually though, everyone gets tired and the game ends. They thank Papyrus and I for playing with them, complimenting their King with casual praise. I wait for him to notice that they don’t know who he is. When he comes back to me, his eyes are shining with stars. “UNDYNE WANTS US TO JOIN HER FAMILY FOR DINNER! IS THAT OKAY OR DO YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS?” He asks, and I know which answer he’s hoping for. 

“We can’t refuse an invitation like that.” I say, hiding the fact that this was my plan all along, and his grin positively explodes with joy as he turns back to the little mer and shouts his acceptance. She shrieks and leaps up and down, clapping her hands happily. 

We follow Undyne deeper into the tunnels, passing more shanties as we go. A look of concern flashes across Papyrus’s face but disappears when Undyne looks back at him to make sure he’s following her, despite the fact she has a death grip on his hand and he’s not about to make her let go. 

What I’m doing here is cruel, but it’s not heartless. I hope he’ll forgive me for it. 

She stops at an old rusting pile of metal sheets. “We’re home!!” She shrieks with joy. Her parents come out, two young mer with fins down their backs. They nod to Papyrus and I and welcome us for dinner. 

Dinner in Marshton is a slow ceremonial affair. Everyone scavenges for anything they can find, and then builds a fire in each district to cook up stews with what each district managed to gather. Everyone takes their own bowl to the cauldron and eats one bowlful, and then takes another bowlful once everyone has had some. But they don’t eat the second bowl. They take the food out to the homeless outpost deeper down the tunnels. 

Undyne’s parents hand Papyrus and I their bowls. We’re guests, so we eat first. Papyrus gives me a look of confusion as Undyne drags him to the middle of the district where the fire flares high and bright. I take vegetables I took from the palace kitchens and drop it into the cauldron. A susurration of thanks goes up from the gathered crowd, another tradition.  I bow to the elder, the oldest member of the district, and then return to Papyrus’s side. 

“What should I do?” Papyrus whispers, making a concerted effort to be quiet. 

“Put something in the pot and bow to the elder.” I reply. He pulls out a cinnabunny and goes up to put it in the pot, then bows as I told him to. As he returns amidst murmured gratitude, a thoughtful frown is stuck on his face. 

The elder gives praise to the stars for allowing them to find enough food for one more day. The children and guests go first after the communal chanted blessing. Undyne drags Papyrus forward and I walk behind him. “Eat quickly and give the bowl back to our hosts.” I whisper to him and dip my bowl into the cauldron. 

Undyne ends up getting the cinnabunny in her bowl and munches on it cheerfully, still gripping Papyrus’s hand. Papyrus bolts his food down and hands his bowl to Undyne’s mother with a grateful exclamation. 

I take my time, savoring the marsh water filled with various odds and ends. Then I hand the bowl to the father. The adults take their food and eat it slowly, savoring every last sip. Papyrus watches with a blank friendly smile. Undyne keeps a grip on his hand. “We’re going to feed our friends next!” She tells him happily. 

When everyone has had a bowl, they return again to the cauldron and scoop the rest out into their bowls. Then begins the trek deeper into the tunnels. Other districts mingle with ours and the gentle roar of chatter echoes through the tunnels. Papyrus ducks his head down to whisper to me, “why aren’t they eating it?” 

“You’ll see.” I reply. He straightens and starts to talk to Undyne about her goals. Apparently she wants to go into the Royal Guard when she’s old enough. I see an aura of nostalgic depression weigh down Papyrus even as he acts happy. 

We reach the homeless outpost, where the people of Waterfall gather when they don’t have food, shelter, or money. There’s another in Snowdin, I know, and one in Hotland as well. When the excavation crew manages to break down the door to the Ruins, I’m sure they’ll find more starving people.

I can feel his pain and shock when the outpost comes into sight. It’s built like a barracks out of junk and people wander or lay around it. Some are injured. Others have fallen down. There are children running around and playing in the mud. They cheer when our procession comes into sight and they all line up. The kids each get a bowl first. Then the adults in order of need. Today there’s more than enough for everyone and some kids get seconds. Other days are not so fortunate. 

Later that evening, we thank our hosts and start to return to the palace after Papyrus has promised Undyne he’ll visit. He walks in silence behind me. I don’t speak either. The trek is solemn and gloomy as we wander through Waterfall. 

“ARE THERE TOWNS LIKE THAT IN SNOWDIN?” He asks suddenly. 

“Yes. In Hotland too, and in New Home there’s a cavernous slum.” I reply. “And there are sure to be more in the Ruins.” 

“OH.” He’s silent again for a while as we go up the elevators. “IS THAT WHERE YOU LIVE?”

“I live on the outskirts of Marshton.” I tell him. “In a shanty.” 

“SOME OF THEM WERE... WERE HURT.” He says worriedly. 

“There’s a couple healers in Marshton, and the food will help too.” 

“AREN’T- AREN’T YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING SCATHING ABOUT MY IGNORANCE?” He asks. 

“No.” I've turned over a new leaf. No more assholery. 

“OH. OKAY.” He sounds disappointed. 

“What, do you want me to?” 

“IT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL LESS SICK IF YOU DID.” 

“You grew up sheltered and were kept sheltered for a significant period of your adult life, including your time ruling.” I say. 

“BUT-?“ He prompts nervously.

I grind my teeth and try to focus the rage that rises easily on command. “But if you ever bothered to listen to your subjects, you would know that your people are starving and weak! You may have inspired the stronger ones to not give up, but there’s no food that comes from an inspirational speech and there’s no way to return what they’ve lost! They’ve lost strength and they’ve lost loved ones. Even so, nobody can take their hope from them, even though it puts no food on the table.” 

He grabs my hand as we approach the palace and he holds on tight. “THANK YOU FOR THE LESSON.” He says. “TONIGHT WAS ENLIGHTENING.” 

That night, Shyren asks me how it went. I lie and tell her it went well. 

Chapter Text

The next day, Sans ignores me completely during the lessons. I don’t care. I make some golden flower tea and leave it in the kitchen with a note for Papyrus telling him to enjoy it.

Tonight is Dogaressa’s night and she dresses up in a lovely flower-pattern dress. I tell her she looks nice. She just glares at me and says, “I will crush you.” 

“Papyrus likes you.” I reply, smiling coldly. “Don’t disappoint him.” 

“Like you??” She shoots back. 

You sigh at her animosity. It’s understandable. But still. “Look. I really do hope you win. Out of all of us, you should be his advisor.” 

She stares at you, shocked. “I- yes. You are the least deserving of him.”

I nod, then frown. “Deserve? Nobody deserves anybody. Love isn’t about who deserves whom.” 

She sneers and leaves in a swoosh of fabric. 

Later that night, she returns. She’s despondent, roiling with frustration. When Grillby asks how it went, she snaps at him. I try to stay out of her way. But she hunts me down and traps me in a corner. 

“What did you do to him??” She demands, rage burning in her eyes. I don’t dare push her into an Encounter, she’s nearly on par with Papyrus when it comes to power but she has zero control. 

“I took him to my town.” I calmly tell her. “We had dinner. And then we walked back.” That’s true enough. 

She forms an ax and shoves me against the wall, threatening me with the sharp blade. “You hurt him.” She growls. “You will pay.” 

“Papyrus can handle himself.” I say, smiling as the heavy blade presses to my throat. “If he has a problem with me, he can come talk to me.” 

“You- bastard.” She breathes heavily, rasping with furious tears. “He broke down crying in the middle of our date! You showed him the slums.” The accusation twists in her angry growl. 

“Shouldn’t he know?” 

“What??” 

“He’s King, isn’t he?” 

“Yes! And you’re nothing but dead weight.” The axe slips in her hand, slicing into my scales. 

I sneer at her, vision turning green from the sharp pain in my neck. “Go ahead, then, end his suffering. Lock him in a gilded cage. Never let him know pain or grief. See how grateful he is to you when he escapes.” 

Her eyes widen. Enraged, she jerks the axe back to swing it and slice my head off. 

The axe halts, trembling, an inch from my throat, bathed in a blue glow. I huff out a breath of relief. 

“heya.” Sans says gently behind Dogaressa. “come here, captain.” 

Dogaressa drops the axe and it clangs to the ground. She turns and wails as Sans hold out his arms, enclosing her in a hug. “y’know, i was pretty pissed at them too when they told me pretty much the same thing.” He winks at me. “but although they are an asshole, they’re also right. we shouldn’t keep him in the dark, or we’ll be the ones hurting him. he can’t- can’t grow up if we’re sheltering him the whole time.” Sans makes a shooing motion so I sidle away quietly as he croons comforting words to her as she sobs. I’m not fast enough to miss his next words. “and if you think him growing up will make him lose the traits you love most... then you’re not believing in the sheer Papyrusness of Papyrus.” 

I sneak away and go into Shyren’s room. She gasps when she sees the gash on my throat. I tell her I slipped in the kitchen with a knife. “Do you have any food?” 

She gives me a somber look as though she can tell I’m lying. “I can heal you.” She says. 

As she gathers green light in her hands and holds my throat, I tell her what really happened on our date. She hums as she listens. “I think,” She says finally, “if the King knows about what’s going on in his kingdom, he can fix it.” 

“Yeah.” I reply. “I hope so.”

Chapter Text

The next day is the reading of the ranks. Dogaressa and I tied in the tests. Shyren failed them. Grillby and Lavender just barely passed. 

Papyrus has decided the two to be disqualified. He tells us now. “GRILLBY AND SHYREN, YOU MAY RETURN TO YOUR HOMES. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.” He then goes up to them and shares private words with each. Shyren waves nervously to me, a huge smile on her face, before she goes. Grillby also seems pleased, despite his loss. 

Papyrus turns to the rest of us. “THE NEXT CHALLENGE IS OF STRATEGY. YOU WILL FOCUS ON A PROBLEM IN THE NATION AND WRITE A PAPER ON HOW TO EFFECTIVELY SOLVE IT, THEN PRESENT IT TO ME.” 

Lavender turns green. “A paper...?” She moans in dread.

“EXACTLY.” Papyrus throws a wink to me. “YOU HAVE THREE DAYS, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CONSULT ONE ANOTHER, AND I AM EXPECTING A ROUSING PUBLIC ADRESS AT THE END.” 

Excitement bubbles in my soul at all the ideas I have. How can I fit everything into a single paper, though?? I need to find something good. 

Lavender groans and flops onto the couch in the common living room later in the afternoon. “I don’t know how to rule a nation!” She cries. “I can barely keep myself sober!” 

“Drunkenness is a pretty serious issue in New Home and Hotland, isn’t it, especially as it coincides with suicide.” I note. 

“But how can we fix that??” She demands. 

“How did you manage to stay sober?” I ask. 

She frowns. “Papyrus talked to me. I had to report to him every night and if I got drunk he would wait till the morning and then scold me.” 

“Support groups.” I know of one in Marshton. “And accountability partners. But most importantly, they have to want to change.” 

“Uuugggh. Why do you have to be good at talking??” She grumbles. “You’re going to win this, aren’t you.” 

I puff up, allowing some arrogance in my soul. “Lavender, with my help, you’ll have a fighting chance!” 

Dogaressa enters and stomps past me, ignoring us both, angry determination in the set of her jaws and eyes. 

I finally decide on my topic and write the paper quickly, then assist Lavender in writing hers. Lavender decides to do the topic I suggested, and then brainstorms on her own for even more ideas to help it. She writes quickly once she has a good outline, and then we help each other revise our papers and practice our speeches.

Finally, the three days are completed and everyone in the nation either comes to the stage in New Home or tunes into BP’s show to watch the contest. Lavender goes first, trembling with nervousness. “Just look at each face. You know them all.” I tell her. “They love you.” 

She nods and smiles wanly, then says, “Thanks for your help. I’m sorry I misjudged you.” 

“Nah, you were right, I’m an asshole.” I wink at her. “Now go win over your King Charming.” 

She nods again, fierce with determination. “Yeah!” And then she walks on stage. Everyone cheers. I sag in the back, practicing my speech. The words are etched in my soul. But I practice anyway. There won’t be cheers for me. 

Dogaressa sneers at me when she enters the green-room. “Stars be with you.” I say tiredly. “But I think I’m cheering on Lavender now.” 

“Stay out of my way.” She snarls. I salute her with a mocking flair.

Lavender comes back jittery with excitement. “I did really good!!” She exclaims happily. “Rus said I did really good!” Dogaressa’s teeth grind audibly at the nickname. 

It’s my turn. I step onto stage and bow with a dramatic flair. “I think you all know me!” 

Jeers and hisses rise from the crowd in response. They know me, alright. “Some of you may know me as the rioter! The troublemaker! That one guy who won’t shut up about everything the King is doing wrong!” I grin out at them as the boos rise to a crescendo. Then I raise my arms for silence. “I never did tell anybody how I’d fix those problems, huh.

“It’s simple, really. Today, though, I won’t be addressing every single problem in our kingdom, although I can think of quite a few. Today I’m addressing only the most important issue, one that has far-reaching effects on all our good King’s subjects!

“The problem is. 

“Our King’s ignorance.” 

The audience shrieks their fury and contempt of me, demanding I be disqualified, shouting for me to be removed from the stage. But then Papyrus steps down onto the stage and lifts a hand. The uproar is quelled by this simple gesture. “I’M INTERESTED.” He says. “PLEASE, CONTINUE.” 

Some hoot for a punishment to be meted out if I fail to meet expectations and explain myself properly. Papyrus gives the audience a stern frown and an even sterner scolding, telling then to listen politely or they’ll be no better than I used to be. I nod gratefully to him and he nods back. 

Chapter Text

“Our King had a sheltered childhood,” I begin, and continue as the silence from the audience stretches coldly on. I tell them how he was kept in the dark about his own friend’s death. How he had no idea people were starving and homeless. “A King can’t fix his nation when he doesn’t know what’s wrong!” I tell them. “Nobody can. First we have to acknowledge there is a problem. And then we have to take steps to rectify it! Our King is strong and kind and smart! By keeping him in the dark about his own nation, you’re hurting yourselves and him, and worse, you’re underestimating his ability to be himself no matter what! Growth, change even, is a good, if scary, thing. But if you are scared he’ll lose the traits you love about him through being allowed to grow up...” 

I look to Papyrus and grin at him. “Then you’re not believing in the Papyrusness of Papyrus!” 

Tentative cheers start and then suddenly grow as every monster shouts their love for their King. Papyrus blushes a deep pink. He has everything anybody could ever want. Power, adoration, friends. Why would he ever bother with me? 

I retreat offstage amidst the uproar. Dogaressa stops me. “That- was a pretty good speech.” She growls. “Even if it was partly stolen.” 

I smile at her honestly. “I have you and Sans to thank.” 

She grumbles under her breath and rolls back her shoulders, readying herself to go out. “And- he’s not the only person who can change yet stay himself.” I stop her. “Anybody can. I can. You can.” 

“Shut up, pup.” She snaps. “I know that. I- last night I told Papyrus the truth about what happened to my husband and everyone else who fell down.” 

You stare at her, shocked for a moment that everyone had lied to him about falling down, but then realize you really can’t be surprised. “How’d he take it?”

She blinks away tears furiously. “He- he apologized. He tried to comfort me. But I should have been the one comforting him.” 

“Maybe.” I say. “Or maybe he’s just the type who needs to help people in order to help himself.” 

Dogaressa nods shortly and holds out her hand. “I’m sorry for attacking you.” She says. 

“I’m sorry for being an asshole.” I reply and grip her hand firmly.

She goes out and the crowd cheers for her, the Captain of the Royal Guard. And she makes her speech. I can’t hear a word she’s saying, but I’ll watch both hers and Lavender’s later.  

I sit beside Lavender in silence as we wait for the judgement. Two of us will return home. One will become Papyrus’s consort and eventually Co-Regnant. I honestly don’t know who Papyrus will choose. It could even be me. 

The thought of the winner being myself both scares and excites me. On the one hand, I’d be in a position to make beneficial changes instead of just whining about the problems. On the other, do I really love him like Lavender and Dogaressa do? 

I try to think about love, try to picture Papyrus and I passionately embracing. Absolutely nothing. I’m not in love with him. I’ve never been in love with anyone. I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. 

I want to win for purely practical reasons, and Dogaressa or Lavender could easily fill the role of advisor as well, even if it wouldn’t be to my satisfaction. I am the last person in the entire nation who should win. 

********

Papyrus calls us back on stage. I share a nervous glance with Lavender before we both head up. 

Dogaressa mutters to the both of us, “Mine was on solving the homelessness issue.” 

Papyrus calls the three of us to the dias set up at the rear of the stage. We kneel beside each other. 

“ONE LAST TEST.” He says, grinning. “WHO SHOULD WIN, AND WHY. LAVENDER, YOU ARE FIRST.” 

Lavender bows her head, then looks up with a determined gaze. “It should be me.” She says fiercely. “Because I love you.” 

“THANK YOU. DOGARESSA?” 

“I would be the best for you.” She says. “I am wiser and more experienced than these two, and we enjoy each other’s company.” 

Papyrus turns to you. You don’t need prompting. “It should be Lavender and Dogaressa, for all the reasons they’ve mentioned, and for the fact that you love them both.” I say firmly, ignoring the rip in my soul as I give up the victory, give up our friendship. 

Maybe I do love him. Maybe it’s not romantic, but it doesn’t have to be. Because we’re friends. “And I say you shouldn’t have to choose between them.” I finish. 

Papyrus nods solemnly. “PEOPLE OF THE DREEMURR NATION, I NOW KNOW WHO MY CONSORT, MY ADVISOR, AND MY CO-REGNANT ARE.

“MY CHOSEN CONSORT IS LAVENDER. 

“MY ADVISOR, ON TOP OF HER CAPTAIN DUTIES, IS DOGARESSA. 

“AND MY CO-REGNANT IS-“ I leap up and hug him before he can say my name. “Surprised?” He asks softly. 

“Not really, this is pretty much something you would do.” I retort. 

Lavender joins the hug, her face violently purple. I twist around and hold out a hand to Dogaressa. “Join the harem?” I offer. Papyrus splutters. Dogaressa nods and rises to wrap her  arms around all of us. “I hope you realize I have many plans for the reformation and expansion of the nation.” I tell Papyrus.

“I Expected Nothing Less.” He replies.