Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

   Kyunghoon was new. No one pays attention to the new kid usually, especially when they don't have anything to say to anyone. This time, however, everyone had their eyes on him. But why? He sat in the back, farthest from anyone, right by the window so he could do nothing but doze off and daydream as he pleases without any disturbances. It's the guy that sits in front of him that is the problem.

    Jesus Christ, the guy that sits in front of him. Heechul. Kim Heechul. It's all his fault that people stare at him. 

    He has absolutely no care for him at all, Kyunghoon thinks. Zero consideration. The way he rests his elbow on his desk during class. The way he has the nerve to sit on the edge of his desk to talk to his friends before the bell rings. The way his seat has moved closer and closer to his from the very day he chose his seat that first day he entered the room. Kyunghoon doesn't say anything, of course. He never does. There's no point if he's going to get yelled at for it anyway, putting even more attention on him as it is. Heechul draws his friends to his seat, so they all cluster around his desk. Sometimes, a lot of the times, they all point at Kyunghoon. They talk about him in hushed voices and snickers. Heechul waves them off dismissively. Kyunghoon can hear every word they say. 

     What's that kid's problem? He doesn't talk to anyone here. Is he mute or something? Got his dick stuck in his ass? He must be one of those anti-social types. He's kind of pretty now that I look at him. Don't say he's pretty dude, you're so gay for that. I'm not gay, but he probably is. Shut the fuck up, he can probably hear your loud ass mouth. 

   Kyunghoon stays quiet. 

   One day, Heechul raises his voice and startles Kyunghoon. 

   "Shut the hell up. He's new, have some fucking sympathy for once instead of talking shit about some kid you don't know. Fucking idiots. Go sit somewhere else!" 

   The room falls silent. At this, they all leave scoffing, saying 'damn, what's up with him lately?' under their breaths as they do. Once they're gone out the room, everyone eases back into their conversations. 

  Kyunghoon keeps his gaze down at his hands on his desk, his fingers still. A moment passes and suddenly he feels someone is staring at him, very closely, as if waiting for him to look up. He does. It's Heechul turned around in his seat, feet in the aisle, elbows on Kyunghoon's desk. He doesn't move when their gazes meet. 

   "Hey," Heechul starts. His posture is deliberate, but Kyunghoon can see in his eyes that he's deciding what to say on the spot without any real plan to it. "This is awkward, I know, but I'm really sorry for my asshole friends." 

    Kyunghoon blinks. Heechul nods when he realizes he's not getting a response any time soon, so he continues. 

   "They're not very subtle, or nice, when they talk. It's my fault for not stopping them. I know you can hear them. I feel really bad." 

    Heechul can't seem to stop himself from talking and seems embarrassed hearing himself. Kyunghoon breaks the stream of apologies. 

    "It's okay. Don't be sorry." he says in a low voice that only Heechul can hear. His eyes grow wide; this is the first time Heechul has heard him speak, ever.

   "No, it's really not cool," he says. He can't help but stutter his words for some reason. "I'll make sure they stop saying stuff like that. If they ever directly bother you, let me know. I'll take care of it."

   Heechul takes out his phone from his pocket. It's covered in a pink phone case with stickers of girl group's logos all over it. Kyunghoon studies it before Heechul puts it down again. 

    "Are you free later? We can go to a cafe or something." 

    Kyunghoon can't believe his ears. "What?"

   "I mean, not to sound like a meanie, but do you have any friends around here? Not even just in this class, but anywhere? I know you're new to the neighborhood." 

    Kyunghoon has no reason to lie, it's not his thing to lie anyway, so he shakes his head no. Heechul nods, protruding his bottom lip out. 

   "'Kay, well, all the more reason. I don't want you to be alone here anymore. It must stink, right? Having no one to talk to?" 

    Kyunghoon can't tell if Heechul is messing with him or not. He's not sure if he wants one over the other, either. He doesn't want to burden Heechul into becoming friends with him out of pity, so he shrugs and shakes his head. 

   "I'm not a lonely person." 

   "Sounds like something a lonely person would say." Heechul says without missing a beat.

   Kyunghoon can feel his ears start to get hot, a habit he can't control when someone pays attention to him for any measure of time. Heechul seems to notice but doesn't say anything about it. He's determined to get Kyunghoon to say yes to him. 

    "After school, today. Meet me at the end of the block, the gym entrance. I'll take you to my favorite cafe," he says, as if Kyunghoon has already agreed. Maybe he has no choice but to. "Promise you those assholes won't be following. They know better than to stalk me." 

    Kyunghoon stares at him. Heechul tries to read his face, but fails. He's like a closed book without a cover or a title. He has no idea what to make of him. Kyunghoon clears his throat when the gaze lingers for longer than he's comfortable with and looks down first.

   Heechul doesn't move, waiting for an answer. It takes several seconds for Kyunghoon to nod. He doesn't have to say a verbal 'okay' for Heechul to smile and sigh satisfyingly. He pats Kyunghoon's shoulder lightly, making him jump at the sudden contact. Heechul retracts his hand quickly when he does, not realizing who he's dealing with. Three weeks into the year without a single human interaction and some weird dude with ridiculously wavy black hair pats him on the shoulder after inviting him for a coffee date. He doesn't blame him at all.  

   "Sorry, my bad," Heechul apologizes, again. "I'll...uh...I won't do that again. Without your permission. Sorry." 

    The bell rings, signaling the end of lunch. Heechul didn't want his final words to be a sorry. "I'll see you later then, okay?" 

    Kyunghoon doesn't look up to see him softly smile. Why is this guy suddenly trying to take care of him? Does he just feel bad for him? Sad. He's starting to hate the idea, but not Heechul. He can't hate him for anything. Not yet, at least. 

    The teacher enters the room and Heechul turns around to his desk immediately, followed by the rest of the class scrambling to their original seats. Kyunghoon just rests his chin on his palm and looks out the window. Who knows what Heechul's intentions are. It doesn't matter since it won't last and he'll leave him like everyone else, so he won't pay much mind to it. Just let the day happen. Let it pass. Let it pass. 

--

  The bell rings and the day is over.

  Kyunghoon would usually stay after to finish his homework and study, but now he has other plans. Heechul left as soon as the bell went off and ran out the door with his friends like everyone else. Kyunghoon took his time packing up his belongings in his bag and zipping up his coat. He was the last one out of the room. 

   Kyunghoon steps out into the cold and sees his breath dissolve before him. The air takes no time to cling to his skin, and he instinctively scrunches his shoulders at the gust of wind that blows right into him. He shoves his numb hands into his pocket as he walks down to the end of the block where Heechul told him to wait. He checks his watch every now and then. Three minutes pass by. Then ten minutes. Then seventeen minutes. Kyunghoon is almost disappointed at the lack of punctuality in Heechul. A tap on his shoulder disturbs him. Speak of the devil. 

   "Hi, I know I'm late," Heechul says as if he ran all the way down to Kyunghoon, because he did. "My friends were being real dickheads about me skipping out on our after-school gaming session. This is more important, though." At this, Kyunghoon smiles a small smile. Heechul observes the dimples that shyly peek through. He can't help but smile as well. 

   "You should play with your friends," Kyunghoon says. The thin, golden rims of his glasses shine in the setting sun. Heechul still can't read him, though. This may take a while, but for some reason he's up for the challenge. 

    "Oh boo-hoo," Heechul jokes. "One less player on their team, please. There's 12 other people on that server anyway. They'll survive without me." Kyunghoon doesn't say anything after that. He gets it, but probably in a different light than Heechul's. He turns his gaze down to his shoes. 

   "So, shall we go?" Heechul perks. Kyunghoon looks up again with that quiet 'okay,' and they start walking.

   They're side by side, but a distance stands between them. About three feet. It'll close once they're on the main street, but Heechul still feels weird about it. Kyunghoon doesn't care for it at all, as if this is how it should be, this distance. Heechul pulls his maroon beanie further onto his head as they make their way to the cafe. 

    They enter the cafe together. It's toasty and homely, unlike those super modern-chic, luminescent ones in the main part of town. It's styled in wood and warm light coats the room. Kyunghoon did not expect Heechul to prefer such a place. Heechul greets the waiter at the door and swiftly takes a booth by the window that sits in the corner of the cafe. Kyunghoon follows close behind him. Heechul sheds his coat and bright red scarf, which was admittedly sore for the eyes. Kyunghoon takes off his single coat, leaving it tucked between him and the wall. He removes his glasses as well and neatly puts them on the table. His gaze gravitates towards the window and he can't help but look out. Heechul watches him carefully. 

   "Do you like it?" he asks. 

   "Hm?" Kyunghoon rips his attention from the glass. 

   "This place. You think it's alright?" 

   "Um. Yeah. It's nice." 

   "Not too nice, right? I feel like that's not your style." 

   "Why do you care for what is or isn't my style all of a sudden?" 

   Heechul is taken aback by Kyunghoon's forwardness.

   "What do you mean?" 

   "When did start to you care about me? Why?" 

   "I told you, I don't want you to be alone." 

   Kyunghoon doesn't say anything. Heechul leans forward. "I'm doing you a favor." 

   "I didn't ask." 

   "You could've said no." 

   "I was being nice." 

   "Well I'm being nice too. Is this not being nice?" 

   "I don't need you pitying me." 

   "It's not like that. I don't want you to get hurt." 

   "I definitely don't need protection, either. I've been completely fine before you started leaning all over my desk. That's when your dick friends started paying attention to me. That's when they started talking about me for no reason. I don't even know their names but they know mine. Before that I was perfectly invisible. Why did you ruin that? Why? What have I ever done to you?" 

   He looked hurt. Kyunghoon regretted being so harsh. Heechul inhaled deeply before he spoke. 

   "I was just trying to help you adjust. That's it. It's hard being the new kid. It's hard not having friends, I would know. But if you're offended, I understand." 

   Kyunghoon watched as Heechul began to gather his coat and scarf. He threw his bag over one shoulder and stood up. He bowed. "I'm sorry." He lifted his head. "If you don't want to talk to me after this, fine. Just don't be a jerk about it. I didn't take you for one." 

   "You don't know anything about me." Kyunghoon said in a low voice, not looking up. "So quick to judge on appearances, you." 

   Heechul scoffed. "See you in class, jackass." 

   Then he was gone.

   Kyunghoon realized Heechul didn't even know his name. He closed his eyes tightly and lowered his head. There was so much wrong with himself that he doesn't even know where to begin. Being unreasonably defensive against people who are nice to him is one of them. It's why he's been alone. It's why he's alone now, in this nice cafe that a nice person chose to bring him to. His hands ball into fists under the table, gripping at the fabric of his pants. He's alone again. He will always end up alone. It's no one else's fault but his own. Alone alone alone alone alone alone alone al--

   Kyunghoon's eyes pop open when a finger taps him on the shoulder. He looks up. It's Heechul. His face is twisted in concern. 

   "Are you okay? You're crying." 

   Kyunghoon touches his own cheek. It's wet. Heechul takes a napkin from the table and lightly wipes his face. Kyunghoon doesn't move.  

   "I saw you through the window when I walked out. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so...mean."

   Heechul stops his hand and takes a good look at Kyunghoon, again trying to read him. He realizes why he can't; his eyes are empty. Not a single light in them. They're red-rimmed now and have tears at the edges, but above it all they're hollow, beyond such bright and innocent features. Heechul feels his chest contort. His eyes shift trying to think of something more to do, to say.

   "Do you want coffee? Or water? Some bread? I can get us some if you want. I don't know." 

   Kyunghoon doesn't say anything. He has said enough. Heechul sees he won't speak for a while now. He notices Kyunghoon's balled up fists and carefully opens one of them, putting the crumpled napkin in it. He doesn't jump at his touch this time. 

   "Don't dig your nails into your palms. It hurts when they bleed." Kyunghoon remains still, silent. Heechul sighs. "I'll order something yummy. Wait for a bit, okay?" 

   Heechul puts his hand down and walks away. Kyunghoon opens his hand a little and peeks at the napkin. It's paper, white, and thin. And Heechul wiped his tears with it. This nice person Kyunghoon turned away came back for him.

  He's right, Kyunghoon didn't ask to be cared for, but perhaps that was the point. He's too afraid to reach out for others in fear that they'll run from him, but Heechul reached out first. It was a simple gesture, but Kyunghoon didn't realize it meant the world to him. He thinks about what he said about being new and having no friends, how 'he would know.' At least one other person around him has felt possibly a fraction of what he's feeling now, and maybe one person is enough for a lifetime.

    The universe was giving him another chance at life, so maybe it's best that he should take it.

   Kyunghoon encloses his hand around the napkin and lets his shoulders relax for the first time in what feels like a hundred years. Shutting his eyes, no tears fall out. He just needs them closed for a second. 

   Give yourself another chance. Give him another chance. Just this once, don't push. You're not alone this time. You're not alone. 

Chapter Text

   The night is young by the time Kyunghoon and Heechul leave the cafe. They stayed there for only a couple of hours in total silence. It was as if the they telepathically told one another that there was nothing to say. There was no urgency to make conversation, and Kyunghoon couldn't be more grateful. He doesn't seem to function normally when he's around people he doesn't know and today was no different. When he started stirring the last bit of coffee in his mug absentmindedly, Heechul suggested they should start heading home before it got too dark. Kyunghoon nodded. 

   The two of them walked down the street the same way they did before; a gaping distance between them. This was intentional, however. Heechul could feel that he was coming on too strong for Kyunghoon, considering the first day he decides to talk to him is also the first time they spend any time together out of school. Giving him a bit of physical space is the least he can do, so he does. Kyunghoon, however, thinks nothing of it. He looks down to the ground as he walks. He's in no rush to get home. 

   Heechul halts at a bus stop sign and Kyunghoon does the same. They look at each other for the first time since they started walking. Heechul speaks first. 

   "So, are you gonna take the bus home?" he asks. 

   Kyunghoon shakes his head. "Are you?" 

   "I was going to, but if you're not I can at least walk you home. If that's alright with you, of course." 

   "Isn't that what you're supposed to do after a first date?" Kyunghoon says with that small smile playing on his lips. Heechul laughs out loud and shrugs. 

   "I mean, this does seem like a blind date, doesn't it?" Heechul's gummy smile shows his pearly whites. Kyunghoon widens his smile a bit at the sight. Heechul walks towards Kyunghoon with his chin stuck up arrogantly. He offers his arm and Kyunghoon can't help but feel awkward again. 

   "Too much?"

   "Kind of." 

   The two look at each other for a moment before breaking into giggles, like elementary school children that just discovered their first inside joke. Heechul shakes his head before he starts walking again with Kyunghoon following him. 

   "It's funny," Heechul says. "I haven't been on a blind date in ages. My friends used to always set me up every now and then with whatever girl they found to be pretty. I guess I complained about being single a lot back then." 

   Kyunghoon nods along as he listens, hands in his coat pockets. Heechul peers at him. "Have you been on a blind date before?" 

   Their walking begins to slow down at this. Kyunghoon shrugs. 

    "It's not my thing. Blind dates. Dating in general. I don't know if you haven't noticed but I'm not exactly great with human interaction." 

   Heechul smiles to himself. Maybe this is a good chance for Kyunghoon to open up to him, even just a little. It'll be a small victory if he learns anything about him on this fated stroll home. This seems to be a good beginning. 

   "When did it start?" he asks. 

   "When did what start?" 

   "Your...introvertness." 

   "Oh. As long as I can remember. Even when I was a kid, I always relied on other kids to come and ask me to play with them instead of making the effort to ask myself. I was just scared of everyone, I think. Scared of rejection." 

   "That young? You were scared of rejection even then? That's rough." 

   "Yeah, well, what can you do." 

   Kyunghoon doesn't continue and Heechul understands. He's not surprised to learn that Kyunghoon has always struggled this seemingly inevitable social anxiety, but he can't help in feeling bad knowing he still has to deal with it today. He wishes he would've helped him earlier in the year. 

   "Have any hobbies?" Heechul fishes again. "What do you like to do?" 

   Kyunghoon hums in thought for a moment. "I game a lot. It passes the time," he says. It's normal for guys like them, an obvious answer. A safe answer. Heechul wants more. 

   "Is that it?" he presses on. Kyunghoon pauses again, considering whether or not he should say it. Realizing he has nothing to lose he sighs, letting his breath be seen in front of him. 

   "I like to sing," he finally says. "I like to write songs, too. Go ahead, make fun of me." 

   "Make fun of you? No way," Heechul laughs. Kyunghoon lifts his gaze to his. "That's crazy, I also like to sing and write songs. It's just a hobby for me, though. Do you want to be a singer?" 

   "That'd be cool but no." 

   "What if someone offered you a contract? Would you take it?" 

   "I've never really thought about it seriously, nothing like that. It's a hobby for me too." 

   "I see," Heechul nods. An idea suddenly crosses his mind and he turns his body to Kyunghoon, making him stop in his tracks. "What do you say to a karaoke room this weekend? I wanna hear you sing." 

   Kyunghoon's eyes widen. His mind is yelling no don't you even think about it absolutely not that sounds like an awful idea no no no. His mind also reminds him just this once, don't push. A sigh escapes him. Quite the crossroad. However, he amazes himself when he hears an 'okay, sounds fun' leave his mouth.

   What have you done. 

   Heechul leaps with utter joy. Kyunghoon forces a smile as well. He doesn't know what he thinks he's doing but it's amusing to see Heechul so elated. 

   "Okay, yes, cool. Make it Saturday, 3P.M. There's a karaoke place around the same area as the cafe, so let's meet there. Promise?" 

   Kyunghoon blinks at the pinkie Heechul has stuck up towards his face. He wiggles it as if to allure him. Kyunghoon takes a quick look up at Heechul's round eyes and down again. He can't believe it but he watches his own pinkie link to Heechul's. As hesitant as it is, it's enough to make Heechul smile that gummy smile Kyunghoon saw earlier at the bus stop. 

   "Promise." he says quietly. Heechul's face softens at this, waving their interlocked hands back and forth gently. He abruptly lets go, dropping Kyunghoon's hand harder than he meant to, and takes his pink phone out. 

   "Give me your number. I'll text you." he says. Kyunghoon suddenly feels like he doesn't know what a phone is. 

   "Oh. Um...alright." It's not reluctant, but he's not exactly thrilled to give it to just anyone. He decides to trust Heechul, however. Just for the moment. He slowly tells Heechul his number, watching his slender fingers tap away. He slips his phone back into his coat pocket, unable to hide his satisfaction. For now, this isn't a mistake. At least, Kyunghoon hopes it isn't. He prays to God this isn't a mistake. 

--

  "Here, my house," Kyunghoon says. "With the persimmon tree." He points to the house only a few feet from where the boys were. Heechul nods and follows Kyunghoon to the small metal gate in front of his home. It's decorated with uncut vines, as well as the stone walls that surround the house. He can see the tree looming over the shrubs that sit by the porch leading to the front door. It's quaint, picturesque. 

    Kyunghoon steps up to the gate and opens it, producing a creaky noise that makes him cringe. He makes a small wave to Heechul, saying a shy 'bye,' but doesn't go through the gate. He looks down momentarily. 

    "Thank you," he finally says. "For letting me hang out with you. I'm sorry I...made such an outburst earlier." 

    "Don't worry about it. It was my pleasure," Heechul laughs slightly, waving his hand dismissively. "I'll see you tomorrow in class. Go inside, it's cold." 

    Kyunghoon presses his lips and his dimples deepen. He wishes he had more to say, because he does, but the words don't seem to form in his mouth. Without any final remarks, he closes the gate behind him as he walks up the stairs to his front door.

   Before pressing the passcode to his house, he turns around. He doesn't know why but his mind seemed to linger for a moment with a thought he didn't expect; one last look at Heechul. When he did, Heechul was right where he left him, watching him. His face could be seen just beyond the branches of the persimmon tree. Their eyes meet and Heechul blinks several times, as if snapping himself out of a trance.

   Maybe it was a trick of the light from the dim streetlamp, but Kyunghoon thought he could see Heechul grin. Not in the bright, confident way he usually presents himself with, but one that was rather sheepish.

   Kyunghoon tilts his head and before he could think anything else, Heechul raises an arm high into the air, waving it left and right. Kyunghoon waved back and bowed politely, signaling for Heechul to start walking home himself. He had hoped his telepathic message of 'go safely' would reach the boy.

   He pressed the numbers to his home and opened the door, already feeling the warmth from the inside. He turned around for what would be his last time. Heechul brought the red scarf wrapped around him up to cover his nose and mouth before scurrying back towards the direction they had come from. Before Kyunghoon knew it, Heechul disappeared.

   He didn't know why, but his feet didn't immediately walk into his house. Something stopped him. It didn't last but that doesn't mean he didn't notice it. He shook his head before stepping inside, shedding his coat. 

    "Kyunghoon? Is that you?" 

    Kyunghoon lifted his head to the voice of his mother calling from the kitchen. He could smell dinner and quickly kicked his shoes off. He shuffled to where his mother was, stirring a boiling pot of soup he was ready to eat. By the sight of him, the woman smiled. The lines around her eyes crinkled. He smiled back. 

    "Hi son," she said pleasantly. "Are you hungry? How was your day? Was school alright? Did you finish your homework? Is that why you're back so late?" 

    Kyunghoon's mom had the habit of asking him a million questions at once and not giving him a chance to answer a single one accordingly. So, he answers each, one by one, with the passing time. She repeats them anyhow, so he doesn't forget to eventually answer all of them by the end. Not a single question gets missed. 

     "I am hungry," he answers. "My day was...actually good. It wasn't perfect by any means but it was...it was good." 

    "Oh?" his mother chirped. "Well, I'm so glad my son had a good day. You can tell me about it when food is ready. Now, go change. I'll tell you when it's ready." She rubs his cheek with a smile and Kyunghoon nods.

   He takes his bag and opens the door to his room, shutting it behind him. Once he does, he leans against it and takes a very large, needed breath. Absentmindedly he flips the lightswitch, revealing his bed, made ready to be slept in. His social battery was somehow drained by a single person. Now, he wants nothing more than to just lie in his bed without needing to move once. He takes his glasses off and does exactly that, spreading himself out on top of his covers and taking a pillow close to his chest.

   His eyes stay open, looking up to his ceiling. He stays like that for a few minutes, replaying events in his mind. His day didn't seem to start until Heechul entered the picture. What Kyunghoon makes of that, he doesn't know. He doesn't want to know anything at the moment, it'll make everything too real, too much to accept that his small world is suddenly changing, yet again. All he chooses to know for now is that he has someone to talk to.

   Since moving that summer, Heechul is the only person outside of his immediate family that he can talk to. Calling him a 'friend' is a bit much for him, however. It's not a word he likes to throw around; friend, trust, love…

    When was the last time Kyunghoon used the word 'love' for anyone? 

-- 

   "Hey guys, I made a new friend!" Heechul yells right as he busts through the door of the apartment. He kicks his shoes off, adding to the noise. It disturbs the rest of the boys inside, who were eating from a very large pot of instant-made noodles. All of them were sitting on the ground in a circle around the low-standing table, heads turning instantly at the sound of Heechul. 

    "Ohh, so loud!" one says. "Hey, you can't say hello first?" 

    "Hello, Shindong," Heechul says smiling. He strides up to him and makes it so his mouth is right next to his ear. "I made a new friend!!" he yells.

   When Shindong slaps a hand over his ear and tips over into another boy's lap, Heechul bends back and cackles wildly. The others simply shake their heads and resume eating. 

    "Sit down and eat," one says. "Actually no, go wash your hands, you've been out all day." He directs Heechul to the bathroom with the chopsticks in his hand. Heechul pushes him slightly on his back with his foot, making the boy turn around and swat it away. 

    "Hello to you too, Jungsoo." Heechul grins wickedly. "Did you cook tonight?" 

    Jungsoo slurps up a noodle and nods. "Go wash your hands." he says with his mouth full. Heechul snickers as he takes off his coat and scarf, throwing his bag on the sofa packed with a variety of pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals strewn about. 

    Heechul makes his way to the bathroom and closes the door behind him. He turns the sink on and begins cleaning his hands, but his mind wanders.

   He hasn't stopped thinking about Kyunghoon at all. Bits and pieces of him bounce around in his head at a constant rate: The way he always looked down. The way his hand would be positioned when he put one elbow on a table. The way he'd pucker his lips in thought. The way his ears would go red if he looked at him long enough. The way his round, soft cheeks felt under his hand. His eyes. His tears. His silence. His words.

     "I'm not a lonely person." 

    "But you are." Heechul says quietly to himself. He lets the water run so he could let his thoughts simmer in his head for a while longer. 

   "Heechul?" 

   Heechul whipped his head around to the closed door to the voice that broke into his pondering. He swiftly turned the faucet off and wiped his hands on the nearby towel hanging on the wall. Breathing deep, he opened the door to a concerned Kyuhyun standing in front of him. 

   "Hi Kyuhyun," Heechul says with a smile. "What's up?" 

   "Oh, nothing. It's just that you've been in here for a long time. You alright?" Kyuhyun searches Heechul's face, who's smile never wavered. Never for the youngest in the house. No matter what, Heechul would always smile for Kyuhyun. 

   "I'm fine," he assures. "Just washed up. Come on, let's go eat." Heechul walks past Kyuhyun, patting his ruffled brown hair. He can feel Kyuhyun watching him, but he follows anyway.

   They sit down next to each other at the same time. Chopsticks are handed to him and Heechul accepts them. He looks up and sees it was Siwon, still chewing but smiling at him. Heechul thanks him before digging into the pot himself. As he eats, he feels a foot nudge his knee from under the table. It stops him mid slurp. 

   "Tell us about the new friend," Youngwoon says. He's the first finished with his share, as always. Usually he'd leave, but this time he has a story to stay for. 

   "Ah! That's right!" Ryeowook joins. "You can't make all that noise coming in so late and not say anything." 

   Heechul laughs. "Come on, I literally just sat down."

   "Heechul, please?" It's Jongwoon that chimes in, making the rest of the group arrupt in agreement. Jungsoo continues to eat. Heechul lets them go on for a few seconds longer before trying to silence them by waving his arms. 

   "Hey, hey, hey, okay, damn," he says in mock exasperation. 

   "Is he the one you ditched us for?" Kyuhyun asks. He's almost offended. "We really needed you on our team earlier." 

   "And I needed help with my English homework." Sungmin whined. "Was he that cool?" 

   "He's allowed to have other friends, guys." Hankyung mutters. "Let him talk." 

   "Thank you. See? It's that easy. Idiots." Heechul laughs. Everyone knows he doesn't mean it, except for two out of the group that have been quiet since he entered. Heechul notices. 

    "Hey. Lee Donghae. Lee Hyukjae. Look at me." Heechul's voice is suddenly assertive. The two he called for look up slowly. You'd think they were ready to get yelled at by their mothers from the look in their eyes. Heechul puts his chopsticks down on the table and sighs before speaking again. "I'm not mad at you guys." 

   "You're not?" Donghae asks, almost timidly.

   "Why not? We're idiots, aren't we?" Hyukjae challenges, but it doesn't last when Jungsoo shoots a look at him. Heechul continues. 

    "Yeah, you definitely are. You know what, I lied, I am mad. You guys really hurt that kid's feelings, you know that? And you have been ever since the year started. I yelled at you guys today because I lost my patience for your shit. I don't want to hear any of it again, you hear me?" 

   The two boys nodded and mumbled their individual yeses and sorrys. Heechul nodded and picked his chopsticks back up. "I hung out with him today." 

   At this, the group leans in. Jungsoo puts his chopsticks back down and sips from a water bottle. Heechul knows he's paying very close attention. 

   "He's a good kid. Really good. Nothing bad to say about him. I brought him to the cafe and we talked there. It was nice." 

   "The cafe I showed you? The one with the French names?" Jongwoon points to himself. Heechul nods and the boy pumps a fist in the air, congratulating himself. Siwon next to him gives him a high-five while Ryeowook rolls his eyes at the sight. 

   "What'd you learn about him?" Donghae asks with genuine interest in his eyes. 

   "Well, you know, he likes gaming like us. He said likes to sing too, which is really interesting." Heechul takes another bite of noodles. Hyukjae coughs in disbelief. 

   "Him? That guy? He knows how to talk? He knows how to work his vocal chords? That's news to me." he remarks, but not before Youngwoon smacks him on the back. He yelps in surrender. Sungmin mutters a 'God, what a bully' before getting up for water. Heechul pretends he didn't hear anything. 

   "Yeah, he's shy but that doesn't mean he can't talk, much less sing. I'm seeing it for myself this weekend. Saturday. I invited him to karaoke." Heechul looks up at the rest of the group who have all started giving faces at one another. Kyuhyun pouts. 

   "Bro, that's our day though," he says poking Heechul's shoulder. "You can't just invite someone like that without letting us know." 

   Heechul pats his leg reassuringly. "Trust me on this. The more the merrier, you know? Besides, he needs to know other people around here. We can help him out on that. If not for him, do it for me." 

   Siwon nods. "I'll be there," he decides. "I think inviting him wouldn't be such a bad idea." He raises his water bottle and his eyebrow at his suggestion. The others shrug and talk amongst themselves over this. Heechul watches them. Jungsoo watches Heechul. 

   "Heechul." 

   The group stops. They all look towards Jungsoo, who has stood up. Heechul looks at him. 

   "What?" 

   Jungsoo motions with his head for him to follow. Heechul lets a breath out and excuses himself silently. Everyone watches the two disappear and ease back into their conversations, but a bit quieter than before. 

    The two walk into a bedroom and Heechul shuts the door. Jungsoo sits on one of the two twin beds and pats on a spot next to him. Heechul sits next to him and looks at him expectedly. 

    "Tell me about him," Jungsoo speaks calmly, carefully. "Kyunghoon." 

    "I did," Heechul casually says. "He likes games, he apparently like to sing--" 

    "Stop, you know I don't mean that. Actually tell me about him. Not the dressed-up version." 

    At this, Heechul doesn't respond right away. Jungsoo adjusts his position so that he's fully facing the other boy. "You can tell me." 

    Jungsoo knows how Heechul usually doesn't tell the whole truth when describing such things with the rest of the group. He didn't know he was so obvious, but Jungsoo can always tell right away. Due to this, Heechul tells Jungsoo the whole truth, beginning to end. Tonight was no different.

   Heechul takes a deep breath and Jungsoo waits. 

   "He's really quiet," he starts. He begins to remember the details of Kyunghoon that he took home with him, one at a time. "When someone looks at him for too long, the tips of his ears get red. He said he's always been like that; shy. He won't talk to anyone first. He waits for someone to come to him. I guess I was that person today. I asked him why he thinks he started being like that and he said he thinks he's been scared of rejection since his childhood. He's been irrationally scared of everyone his whole life because of it. I mean, imagine living your whole life like that." 

    Jungsoo listens carefully and doesn't butt in at any moment. Not until he knows Heechul is done. He lets him continue.  

    "I brought him to that cafe Jongwoon likes. I asked him if he liked it and something in him made his fight response go off. I got mad. I really wish I was more patient with him. God, I hate how fast I lost my temper, I should've known. I shouldn't have left but I did. I left him there, alone." He stops for a moment. The image of what he saw through the window flashes in his mind: Kyunghoon sitting alone, looking down at his lap, gripping at his pants as if it was the only thing keeping him grounded in reality. His tears flowing down those pink, flushed cheeks. Heechul shakes off the thought but it never really leaves him. 

    "I went back in because...I saw him. And he was crying. It didn't look like that was the first time someone left him like that, at least from what I could tell. That's the thing, I can't read him at all. You know how quick I can read people. I couldn't get anything from Kyunghoon. I realized it was 'cause his eyes were just...nothing. They were so pretty but nothing was there. Not a sparkle, not a single light. Jungsoo, it scared me. It scared me a lot, I've seen those too many times to not know what that means, you know? He's been through a lot, or he's going through it now, I can't tell. I was just wiping his tears 'cause I felt so bad and I couldn't help but look at his eyes and he wouldn't say anything to me and…" 

     Jungsoo pulled Heechul into a hug. They don't hug often, if not ever, but this time they do without any questions. Heechul put his hands on Jungsoo back in response. 

    "I'm just worried about him, Jungsoo…" Heechul whispered in the boy's shoulder. "He must've felt so alone this whole time. He said he's not a lonely person but I know that's not true, I know it's not…." 

   "It's alright," Jungsoo murmurs. "He has a friend now. Don't worry. Just...You're not responsible for him, so don't feel burdened by this. Just be there for him like how you've been here for me. Nothing extravagant. Be there for him." 

   Heechul nodded silently. Jungsoo pulls away and peers at the other's face. He pats his arm lightly before leaning back into his original position again. 

   "So," he says. "Did you guys do anything after the cafe?" 

   "I walked him home," Heechul says, smiling involuntarily at the thought. Jungsoo notices. "His house has a persimmon tree. He thanked me for hanging out with him and apologized for crying. I said it's fine. Oh, I invited him to karaoke like I mentioned. He doesn't know the rest of you guys are going." 

   Jungsoo thinks for a moment. "Maybe you guys should go alone. Without us." 

   Heechul raises his eyebrows. "Why? Thought I'd introduce him to the rest of the family." But Jungsoo shakes his head. 

   "You're taking things way too quickly for him. Kyunghoon. Consider him for a second. He's met you. The first person he meets since being here, you. You're already quite a lot to begin with, so I can imagine meeting the rest of us would be super overwhelming. Give him time to adjust to you first. Until then, save us for later. Got it?" 

    Heechul blinks. He somehow forgot the type of people he's friends with. If Jungsoo didn't say anything, Saturday would have been very difficult to handle for the both of them. He agrees with a nod. 

    "Living with you has made me smarter," he says. "I guess I'm really fucking stupid." 

    "Maybe." 

    "Shut up." 

    "You said it, not me." 

    Heechul lightly pushes Jungsoo's shoulder. "You're supposed to disagree with me, genius." 

    Jungsoo laughs. "Well then I'd be lying." 

    The two laugh, and the rest of the group sits outside listening to them. Jungsoo gets up and pulls Heechul with him, giving him a smile. 

    "You'll be okay, right?" he asks. 

    "Right...Thanks, Jungsoo. I don't know what I'd do without you." 

    "Oh shut the fuck up with that, you're such an old man. Have you been drinking?" 

    "Alright, fuck you, I'm never being nice to you ever again." 

    A knock comes from the door, startling the two boys. Jungsoo opens it, revealing Hankyung, Youngwoon, and Sungmin. They're all in their coats and scarves. 

    "We're gonna head out now, guys," Youngwoon says. "See you at school tomorrow." 

    "Bye you guys!" Sungmin chirps. Hankyung waves behind him. Heechul and Jungsoo make their way out of the room to wave them goodbye with the rest of the group. Once they leave, everyone starts to do their share in cleaning up and setting up sleeping arrangements.

   Jungsoo starts to wash the dishes but taps Heechul on the shoulder. He turns around, only to be told to change out of his school uniform he's still wearing. Heechul laughs and heads to the bedroom he sleeps in. 

    Heechul cozies up in his side of the bed once he's all changed. Siwon climbs in shortly after. They turn their backs against one another. This is how they sleep every night. 

   "Goodnight Heechul," Siwon yawns. "I hope all goes well with Kyunghoon." 

   Heechul shifts. "What?" 

   Siwon yawns again. "I said I hope all goes well with Kyunghoon. Your friendship. I hope it lasts." 

   An unexpected relief washes over Heechul. "Oh. Haha. Thanks." 

   Hyukjae and Donghae head in for bed not long after, shutting off lights. Heechul ends up alone with his thoughts about Kyunghoon in the dark. He takes his phone from the nightstand and scrolls through his contacts, landing on Kyunghoon's number he had just acquired. His thumb floats over the messaging button. He has no intention to text him right away, but right now he seems to be the most tempted.

   Is Kyunghoon waiting for him to text him right now? To call him? What is he thinking right at this moment? Is he thinking of Heechul like how he is about him?

   Eventually, he decides against this and puts his phone back on the nightstand. Pulling the duvet cover over his head, he closes his eyes.The night noises from outside keep him company as he tries to fall asleep. It doesn't take him long to. Finally, he dreams; dimples, tiny noses, red ears, and the prettiest eyes anyone has ever seen. 

Chapter Text

   It's about fifteen minutes before the morning bell rings. Students group together with their friends in the halls and classrooms they shouldn't be in. The day before the weekend gets everyone in a buzzed frenzy of excitement, making plans with one another.

   Kyunghoon makes his way through floor where his class is without looking at anyone. Pieces of conversations zip past his ears. They're things he doesn't quite care about, but underclassman admittedly can say some humorous things out of context. The words all blend together as Kyunghoon turns the corner to the hall his class is. Once he does, he suddenly feels a hand around his arm. He jumps and whips around to see two boys.

   Heechul's friends, he realizes. The ones that talk about me. 

   "Heard you're hanging out with Heechul tomorrow," says the boy who grabbed him in a low voice. He hasn't let go of Kyunghoon's arm. "I'm just warning you now that if anything happens to him, you're getting the shit kicked out of you. I'm not playing." 

   "Hyuk, that's too much." the other boy warns. He turns his head behind him to see if anyone, most likely Heechul, was coming toward their way. Some girls were watching the three from the side. 

   "Ignore him, look at me." 

   Kyunghoon does what he's told. 

   "I don't care if Heechul likes you, but be a pussy little bitch and you're in for it." He yanks Kyunghoon's arm so that they're nose to nose. "Got it?" 

   Kyunghoon doesn't move. The grip on his arm tightens and twists, hard, making him wince. 

   "I said, got it?" 

   "Yes." 

   "Good." 

   Kyunghoon feels his arm drop limp to his side. This guy is skinny and is shorter than Kyunghoon, but holy shit he has strength. The boy behind him looks a little nervous at the encounter that's occurring and whispers to the other for them to leave before Heechul spots them. They disappear just like that.

   Kyunghoon doesn't watch them leave, but once they do he runs his hand over his right arm. In his peripherals, he can see other students watch him. He can't tell in what way but his arm is slightly throbbing and he's not sure what just happened to him. He thinks he might have unintentionally made himself a target of something, but before he can get scared of the idea a voice rings through the hall. 

   "Kyunghoon!" 

   Kyunghoon looks up. It's Heechul at the other end, waving his arm high in the air, like how he did when he was saying goodbye to him the night before. He quickly puts his right hand in his pocket and makes a small wave with the other.  His ears are suddenly very hot. 

   "Good morning," Heechul cheerfully greets Kyunghoon, bounding towards him. "Wanna walk to class together?" Kyunghoon nods with a tight smile, and the two walk. Is he the only one feeling the entire world's eyes on them? 

   "You okay? You look like you witnessed a car pileup." 

   Kyunghoon cleared his throat. "What? I'm alright. Did you sleep well last night?" 

   Heechul frowned. He didn't expect such a quick answer. "I slept fine. You?" 

   "Fine." 

   The two approach the classroom door and Kyunghoon opens it, letting Heechul step inside. Once he does, students inside all cheer his name as a greeting. They always do. Kyunghoon walks past it all and sits right in his seat in the back.

   Everyone seems to like Heechul, but who wouldn't? He likes to charm all of the girls with a single grin or wink, and the boys laugh at whatever he says even if it isn't that funny. He's overall very likeable around here, so Kyunghoon can't help but wonder what Heechul meant when he said he knows how hard it is to be the new kid and not have friends. When was Heechul a loner? How did he climb his way out of it? Kyunghoon does not want his secret to popularity by any means, but the questions are still there. 

   The bell rings and Heechul makes his way to his desk in front of Kyunghoon. He smiles at him and Kyunghoon smiles back. Heechul looks down at Kyunghoon's lap as he sits and points as a question. Kyunghoon follows Heechul's gaze, leading to his arm. He was unconsciously rubbing at where the boy from earlier grabbed him. Immediately, he puts his hands on his desk instead, making Heechul's eyebrows knit together. Before he can say anything else, the teacher entered the room and everyone stood up at once. Kyunghoon motioned for Heechul to do the same, and he does. Everyone bows and says good morning in unison. When the teacher allows for everyone to sit down and begins reading the day's agenda, Heechul turns around to Kyunghoon. 

    "What was that?" he whispers. 

    "Hm?" 

    "Your arm. Did you hurt your arm? I saw you holding it earlier too." 

   Kyunghoon can't lie but he doesn't want to say Heechul's friends approached him, so he simply just doesn't tell him. "It does hurt. Don't worry about it though, it'll be better as the day goes on. Face forward, you'll get yelled at." 

   Heechul obeys but not without a lingering skepticism written on his face. Once Kyunghoon is sure Heechul is fully paying attention to the teacher, he slowly massages at his arm again. 

--

   Lunch goes as usual. Heechul's friends crowd around his desk and Kyunghoon sits silently with his food. He finishes half of his kimbap before sneaking behind the group to go to the bathroom unnoticed. Once he's inside, he takes his uniform jacket off, unbottons his right arm's sleeve, and rolls it up to his elbow. Only a hint of redness shows around the part of his arm that was grabbed. Thankfully, it didn't look as bad as it felt. He just hopes it doesn't bruise for his mom to see later.

   Fear rises in his throat as he remembers what this could mean for him in the future. Heechul's friends, at least the one boy from before, could start messing with him. Kyunghoon guesses it wouldn't be so bad if it was out of protectiveness for their friend, but he doesn't want to be on the receiving end of it at all. He concludes he should just let Heechul navigate their day tomorrow, not say a single word, no matter how much he might not want to do something. If it means Heechul will go back to tell his friends he had a good time without any difficulties with Kyunghoon, then everything will be fine. The last thing he needs is Heechul worrying about him getting harassed in school; they only just met. Being an inconvenience will leave him alone again without someone he likes, without Heechul. For some reason, he's not ready to lose him yet. 

-- 

   The day is over. Everyone is packing their things into their bags and chatting away. Some have already ran out the door. Kyunghoon is already set to go and watches Heechul pack his things. Suddenly, he turns to him in his seat. 

   "Kyunghoon! Did you see my text? You have my number now." 

   Kyunghoon's eyes grow wide and takes his phone out from his bag. He sees a message from an unsaved number, saying 'it's Heechul!' with a red heart emoji. Heechul smiles. 

   "Now you can talk to me whenever you want. Oh, and I'll send you the directions to the cafe later." 

   Kyunghoon nods and puts his phone back in his pocket. He secretly turns the ringer on. "I usually have my phone on silent. Sorry, I didn't notice your message." 

   "It's whatever, keep it like that. I'm going to be annoying you for the rest of your life." Heechul giggles mischievously, making Kyunghoon giggle in return. 

   "Thank you." he says. 

   Heechul softens his face. "For what?" 

   "For...helping me out. Taking care of me. You didn't have to, you know." 

   "I wanted to. I want us to be friends. You deserve a good friend." 

   Kyunghoon is silent at the mention of the word 'friend.' Heechul thinks for a moment and puts his elbows on Kyunghoon's desk. He carefully lays a hand on Kyunghoon's, which was tapping the desk fidgetly. It instantly stop at the touch. Kyunghoon meets Heechul's eyes. 

   "I mean it. You deserve a good friend." Heechul says earnestly.

   A smile spreads across Kyunghoon's face, dimples digging deep. He doesn't say anything back, but Heechul knows he appreciates the sentiment. He also knows Kyunghoon will remember what he said, and that in itself is comforting. Heechul nods and picks up his bag, Kyunghoon following him. 

   "Walk home with you?" Heechul suggests. 

   Kyunghoon nods a little too quickly than he would've liked, but Heechul doesn't seem to notice or care. With that, they walk out of the door together.

   They make it outside and Heechul's friends are standing around talking until they see him. They all call his name and wave at him. Heechul shakes his head and points at Kyunghoon. Their eyes are all on him now and Kyunghoon can feel himself hold his breath. Most of them shrug it off, but the one that threatened him keeps his eyes on him. He squints and Kyunghoon lowers his head to the ground. Heechul sees the moment and sticks his tongue out at the boy playfully. He takes Kyunghoon's hand and drags him away swiftly, making Kyunghoon almost trip over himself.

   They're making their way towards the group and Kyunghoon takes a glance at them. They watch the two leave momentarily before looking away. One catches Kyunghoon's eye, and it's not the one from before. He doesn't know him, but they lock eyes for a moment. It must have only been half a second. Was it another one planning a confrontation with Kyunghoon? He rips his gaze away once the group is far out of sight and instead focuses on his hand in Heechul's.

     It's warm, he thinks. 

    Eventually, they stop at a crosswalk, way beyond school property. Heechul doesn't let go. Kyunghoon doesn't either. Their hands remain clasped.

   Heechul is looking forward at the traffic light, counting down the seconds before they're allowed to walk. Kyunghoon attempts to do the same but the warm hand in his cold one is jarring to his senses, to say the least. He loosens his grip to see if Heechul will drop his hand. Once it's clear he won't, Kyunghoon readjusts his hold in Heechul's. His face is extremely hot despite the chill in the air.

    Something is changing, fast. Something is shifting.   

    It has registered in Kyunghoon's mind that he has a very small chance of surviving tomorrow. 

Chapter Text

    They never let go of each other's hands once. Kyunghoon was nothing but nervous and felt the sweat build under his palm, worried that Heechul would feel uncomfortable from the clamminess. He never did though.

   When the hold would loosen on Kyunghoon's end, Heechul would squeeze his hand. The chilliness of the weather that breezed through them was suddenly absent, replaced with only the warmth that Heechul's hand provided. Kyunghoon couldn't muster the strength to look at Heechul, so for the entirety of the way home his eyes stayed on the ground he walked on; something easy to see, easy to understand. 

     He's just being friendly, Kyunghoon thought desperately. This is what he does with his other friends too...probably. 

    They arrived at Kyunghoon's front gate. Upon the sight, Heechul's hand let go slightly and Kyunghoon took the chance to completely break off the physical connection. His open hand welcomed the cold. He dug both hands in his pockets to make the motion seem natural, but Kyunghoon's jittery manners made it not so. He didn't look up to see Heechul as he did and instead scurried to the gate ahead of the other boy. He was a few feet behind, but Heechul stopped in his tracks when Kyunghoon basically ran from him. From where he stood, he watched Kyunghoon fiddle with the small lock on the gate to his house. He waited for a goodbye, a thank you, a single word, a look, anything, but he got nothing. 

    "Bye, Kyunghoon." Heechul called. 

   Kyunghoon opened the gate but stopped at Heechul's voice. Finally, he looked at him. He seemed to be so far away. What are we doing, he thought. 

   "See you, Heechul," was all that Kyunghoon could say.

   After a fleeting second and a stare that lasted a bit too long, he hurried through the gate and to his front door. Punching the code in, he squeezed his eyes shut to keep him from looking behind him. It's weird, he feels weird. He feels like something has happened or something is happening but he doesn't know what and he hates not knowing something he should immediately know. These thoughts ran in his head at a hundred miles per hour and he thought he might pass out from it all. It wasn't an exaggeration, he could feel his breathing quicken.

   Once the door was opened, he stumbled inside as quickly as he could, shutting the door louder than he planned. He kicked his shoes off and knelt down to the floor, head on his knees. 

    "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know," he mumbled to himself. 

   The sound of the door closing made Kyunghoon's mom emerge from her spot on the sofa. She peered at the door and rushed to her son's side, saying his name, asking him if he's okay. 

    "I'm fine," he says. Mostly to comfort her but also for himself. He doesn't know what he's feeling at the moment, this lump in his throat or the gaping hole in his chest slowly closing up. He opens his eyes as he stands back up, his mother still at his side with her hand rubbing circles on his back. 

    "Are you sure? Tell me what happened. Was it a panic attack? Do you need your medication?" his mother relayed her multitude of questions. Kyunghoon just shook his head. 

    "I think I'm just tired," he mumbles lamely. He walks into the living room and drops his bag next to the sofa. His mother follows closely behind him. 

    "Oh...okay then. Go rest. If you need anything just call for me." she says. Kyunghoon nods and shuffles into his bedroom. When he closes his door, he takes his phone from his pocket and turns it on. He sees three new messages from an unsaved number. When he opens them, he realizes it's Heechul. 

     Hi. These are the directions to the cafe, see you tomorrow. ^^  

   Following the texts was a picture of a screenshot from the notes app, titled 'Jongwoon's Spot,' containing the address of the cafe and directions beginning from the school. He only really needs the address, but the directions could be helpful later.

   Kyunghoon fixates in the lack of Heechul's colorful voice in his messages. He reminds himself that people sound different over text compared to real life, so he tries to put any worries in the back of his mind. They're still in his mind regardless, making him wonder if Heechul is irritated at him for running ahead of him. It's such a small, insignificant thing to worry about but it's how Kyunghoon goes through life. He worries and worries, there's no helping it no matter how much medicine he takes to suppress it all. 

   Kyunghoon rubs his eyes and throws his phone on his bed, throwing himself onto it after. He needs to sleep off the confusion that's making him dizzy. It's not Heechul's fault that Kyunghoon overthinks every interaction, every touch, every look. He only has himself to blame. Sometimes he wishes he took such things for granted, for the sake of himself. However, he would rather remember everything in all its intricate details than be forgetful and careless. It's okay that he cares. He wants to remember. He feels his hand that was clasped in another's. The absence of what was so comforting, recalling its softness keeps his heart steady, somehow. 

    "It was warm ," he whispers to himself. Tracing the lines of his palm, he decides wants to remember forever. 

--

   "I don't know, I'm gonna call him," Heechul fishes for his phone in his bag panicked. Without looking, Hankyung swats his hand away, his focus on the video game he was playing never wavering. 

   "You're being dramatic. Again." 

   "Am not! You're not allowed to scold me right now."

   Hankyung's lips quirked upwards but the force of his foot on Heechul's back displays anything but amusement. Heechul lunges forward theatrically across the floor, making the other boys in the room laugh. Heechul sits back up and slaps his shoulder in retaliation. This sends the two in a playful fight at the foot of the sofa, laughing with wide smiles on their faces. They settle after a while. 

   "Seriously," Hankyung says, failing to calm down his giggles. "You don't need to call him. He's fine." 

   Heechul's eyes set back into its previous shadow of seriousness. He shakes his head. "I really don't know. I feel like I got him mad or something." 

   "What, for holding his hand out of nowhere?" Ryeowook perks up, his eyes filled with mischief. The other boys nod and begin to snicker when they remember the sight of Heechul dragging Kyunghoon by his hand, like a girlfriend.

   Siwon's eyes grow abnormally large, as they do, when he sees the imagery. He locks eyes with Donghae, and their minds align at the same time, sending their quiet snickers into fits of laughter. 

    "What's so funny?" Heechul crosses his arms. "Hey! Tell me!" 

    Donghae can barely get the words out. "You...You and…" He breaks into laughter again and smacks Siwon repeatedly in the process, pushing him to the ground. Don't be around Donghae when he laughs because he will beat you to death. 

    Siwon manages to speak. "You and Kyunghoon...You took him by the hand like he was your girlfriend in a drama!" This sends the rest of the room in an explosive fit, the walls of their home seems to shake at the noise. Heechul feels his face get hot. Their comments overlap each other. 

   "Oh, honey, let's go!" Hyukjae mocks and makes cooing sounds. He has stood up and began trotting in a circle on his tippy-toes daintily. "Ignore those meanies! Hoo-hoo!"

   Youngwoon and Shindong stand up and skip with Hyukjae, holding hands in a flowery circle. Jongwoon and Ryeowook stand with their own charade of Jongwoon pulling Ryeowook by the arm with his chin up in the air, with the smaller boy almost falling behind him as they march around the room together.

   One act after another makes everyone lose their minds. Even Jungsoo's distinctive cackle could be heard above the noise. It's all making Heechul bury his face in hands from pure embarrassment, but he's smiling a gummy smile anyway because he knows they don't mean anything malicious by it. They're all like his brothers after all, so he smiles and laughs too, even if he's the face of the joke. 

   He's going to call Kyunghoon. 

--

   Dinner was rambunctious as it always is. The night closes in and everyone is ready to sleep. Heechul sits on the sofa wrapped in a throw blanket with his phone in his hand. He waits for everyone to file into their shared bedrooms before he scrolls through his contacts for Kyunghoon's name. His thumb floats over the button. Was he being dramatic like Hankyung said? Is he worried for nothing? He decides against the thoughts right away.

   Heechul thinks he has grasped Kyunghoon's personality enough to know that he must also think about small things, or at least what Heechul considers small. Maybe holding hands with someone is a big deal for Kyunghoon, so he wants to sympathize. 

   "Heechul? Are you gonna sleep?" 

   Kyuhyun's low voice makes Heechul turn around. The youngest is peeking at him from behind the wall that separates the living room from the hallway. He rubs his eyes and plops next to Heechul. He blinks at Heechul's phone screen. 

   "You're gonna call him?" he asks sleepily. Heechul looks back down to his task at his task at hand.

   "I guess I am. You never know, right? I don't want any bad feelings." Heechul huffs. Kyuhyun is silent for a moment.

   "You care about him a lot...His feelings, his wants..." he muses. He scoots closer to Heechul and stays quiet for a moment more. He hesitates before saying, "Do you like him?" 

   Heechul's eyes flicker and his joints freeze. It was almost a whisper but it felt like a scream in his ears. "He's cool. We haven't known each other for very long, but I want to be a good friend to him. He needs one." 

   Kyuhyun shakes his head and pouts slightly, his sleepiness catching up to him. "I don't mean that. Do you like him?" He's irritated by Heechul's answer but he doesn't let his voice raise any louder than a whisper. Heechul stiffens. 

    "I don't...What? Huh?" Heechul says dumbly. Words aren't coming to him as easily as they usually do and now he's confused. He doesn't face Kyuhyun. 

    "You don't know yet? Or you don't want to know?" Kyuhyun asks. His tone is non-threatening but rather gentle.

   Heechul feels very stupid letting his tongue get tied with Kyuhyun. He has never let vulnerability be shown in front of him as if it was his duty, like an older brother. Now he feels completely exposed but he's not sure why. He hates not knowing why. He settles with a quiet 'I don't know,' making Kyuhyun sigh and lean back against the couch with his arms crossed. 

    "It's okay. If you don't know, you don't know. I think knowing makes everything…" Kyuhyun makes vague motions in the air with one hand. "It makes stuff too much, I guess." 

    "How would you know?" Heechul murmurs, his phone feeling like a stone in his hands. He stares at Kyunghoon's name in front of him. 

    "I just do," Kyuhyun says smiling. Heechul can feel it without looking at him and smiles too. Kyuhyun nudges Heechul's knee with his. "Call him. Maybe then you'll know something." 

   Heechul rests his head on Kyuhyun's shoulder for what seems to be in defeat. He raises his phone to his face and his thumb is floating again. Kyuhyun presses the call button himself, making Heechul jump. His eyes widen and Kyuhyun closes his, a smug expression gracing his face. After about three rings, the other line is picked up, and Heechul sticks his phone to his ear right away. 

   "Hello?" 

   "Hi, Kyunghoon." Heechul says. "Um...Do you wanna talk?" 

   Hesitation. "Okay. About what?" 

   Heechul rubs the back of his neck sheepishly, not really thinking before speaking. "Just, uh...You know...After school... When I held your hand. Are you mad at me for that? I didn't ask before I did, so I was just wondering, I don't know…" 

   He doesn't get a response right away and he's suddenly scared. He can feel Kyuhyun's weight sink into him, and he moves slightly to make more room for him. Kyuhyun's head ends up on Heechul's lap, sound asleep. Heechul is still waiting. 

  Kyunghoon sighs on the other end. "I'm not mad. I think it was weird you did it because...No, I'm not mad at you," Kyunghoon says as carefully as he is able to. Eloquence is not his strongest suit. However, after a moment, he asks, "Why did you do it?" 

   Heechul chews on the inside of his cheek. "I mean, I'm kind of, how would you say it, touchy? I like to hug people and hold their hands a lot, you know? I do it all the time. And I didn't like how Hyukjae looked at you there, so I had to get you away. I don't know. I didn't consider you at the moment and how uncomfortable you might have been. I'm sorry. Wow, I feel like everytime we talk I'm apologizing for something. But I really am sorry. It won't happen again." 

    "It's okay." 

   Heechul blinks. He has never heard a quicker answer from anyone like this. "What was that?" 

    "It's okay. It's just how you are, I understand." Kyunghoon's voice sounds almost relieved, if Heechul's ears are playing tricks on him. Above it all, he's reposeful.

   Kyunghoon stops for a moment before saying, "If you want to hold my hand, fine. I won't mind it. Not at all." 

    Heechul's eyebrows knit together. "Are you sure? You're not uncomfortable?" 

    "I'll let you do it, but just you. I think if it's anyone else it would be uncomfortable. But with you...It's not. I'm okay." 

    This phone call was less of a disaster than Heechul could ever dream it would be. He feels an involuntary smile form on his face. "If you're okay, I'm okay." 

   "I'm okay." 

   "Alright. Then I'm okay too." 

   "...See you tomorrow, Heechul." 

   "Mhm. Goodnight, Kyunghoon." 

   Heechul waits for Kyunghoon to hang up before he does the same. He drops his arm to his side and relaxes for the first time since he sat down. Kyuhyun stirs awake and looks up at Heechul. 

   "Do you know anything now?" he asks half-asleep, but still with genuine curiosity. Heechul slumps deeper into the sofa, unwrapping the blanket he had around him to cover Kyuhyun. 

   Heechul is smiling slightly when he says, "No. I don't know anything." 

Chapter Text

   Heechul dreamed. After God knows how long, he dreamed for the first time in forever. He didn't want to wake up. 

   His head rested on his arm, stretched out across his school desk. Once he opened his eyes, Kyunghoon was in the desk next to him. His head was also resting, buried in his crossed arms over the surface of his desk. He hadn't opened his eyes yet. 

   The classroom was empty. It was only Heechul and Kyunghoon amongst the empty seats and vacant room. Only the faint songs of birds from outside and slow, quiet breathing could be heard. The large windows showed a fully display of a soft, pink sky. Light flooded the space around them, but it wasn't blinding. Just enough to keep pale cheeks warm and enough for Heechul to stare at the boy sitting across from him. It was like a fairytale. 

  Heechul kept still. He stared at Kyunghoon's eyelashes, his nose nestled in his elbow, his bangs brushed over his brow. He was just within arm's reach, but somehow so far. Heechul wants to move closer, but he didn't want to disturb Kyunghoon. He kept still. 

  Eventually, Kyunghoon's eyes fluttered and were half-open. Heechul smiled at him but said nothing. This silence was comfortable. The warmth that spread across his chest when their eyes met was comfortable. When Kyunghoon smiled a shy smile back, Heechul felt his own deepen. 

   Something in Heechul told him to reach over, across the gap between the two desks. His hand was only a few inches from the other boy's face. Kyunghoon was hesitant, but not for long before he carefully interlocked their fingers. It seemed that the universe had finally locked into place. 

   Heechul blinked. Suddenly their desks were stuck together, as if by teleportation in the second his eyes were closed. Their heads remained resting on their arms.  Kyunghoon's nose almost touched his. However, he wasn't startled. He was quite content and it seemed the other boy was as well.

   When Heechul moved a stray hair from Kyunghoon's face, he left his hand to hover over his cheek. He let his hand land on it. Brushing his thumb along the line of his cheekbone, he wishes eternity could be a reality.

   Kyunghoon is staring into Heechul's eyes when he whispers, "Life is unpredictable." 

   "Hm?" 

  "You. You keep me the most company. You opened your arms and I walked right into them. You don't pressure me to fill the silence and when I do speak, you listen. Life is the most unpredictable in that way." 

  Heechul falls speechless. Kyunghoon shifts in his arms under his frozen gaze. "But I wonder how long this will last. Do you plan to leave me soon?" 

  Without a single pause, Heechul answers, "No." His voice is as quiet as Kyunghoon's but is filled with earnesty.

    "Even if I push you away? Even if I tell you that I want to be alone? Even then, you'll stay?" 

   Heechul thinks for a moment. "Kyunghoon." 

  "Yes?" 

  "You don't need to ask. I will always be where you need me to be, where you want me to be. You don't have to worry. I'm not going anywhere."

   Heechul moves his hand down to Kyunghoon's jaw and lets it snake behind his neck gently. "I've decided that I'm going to be right by your side. Just like this. The question is whether you'll let me. Will you?" 

    Kyunghoon eases under Heechul's touch. He smiles wide when he says, "You're a good friend, Heechul." 

    Heechul's throat feels constricted but it's okay. He can be a good friend. He can be whatever Kyunghoon needs him to be, as he said. That won't change no matter how much he wants it to. "I'm glad." he says. 

  "For what?" 

  "To be your friend. Your good friend." 

  "Me too." 

--

   Heechul wakes up, for real this time. He's still on the sofa but Kyuhyun is not on his lap. It's not soft sun that greets him but a harsh light from a lamp that attacks his retinas. He groans and squeezes his eyes shut. 

   The first thought he has: What was that?

    His face is stiff from the words he last heard from Kyunghoon. It was a dream but his heart still sinks for some reason. Why is he so disappointed? The atmosphere, the circumstances, the lack of space between their faces...

   "Good friend." he mumbles to himself. "Good...friend." 

   No. Today is Saturday, which means a day with Kyunghoon. That is his priority. There's no room to be selfish over his own confusion because he is a good friend and good friends put others before themselves . At this, Heechul kicks his blanket off and strides to the bathroom. 

   As much as he wants to forget, his dream never leaves him. 

-- 

   Kyunghoon arrives to the cafe without much struggle. Now he just waits for Heechul to come, sitting in the same booth they were in not too long ago. He recalls his slight breakdown and gets embarrassed right away. He won't be doing that today.

   Heechul needs to like him, to like being with him. The face of the boy twisting his arm in the hallway flashes in his mind and he shakes it off. Subconsciously, he runs a hand over the same spot. He won't let that happen to him again. 

   A finger taps his shoulder and Kyunghoon turns. It's Heechul smiling down at him. Once he sits down, they do their small talk: Did you sleep well? What did you have for dinner last night? Get any homework done? It's mostly for Kyunghoon to relax, as Heechul thinks.

   Neither of them bring up their conversation from the night before. 

   Karaoke can be nerve-wracking in front of people you've never been before. Thank God these two like each other and, more importantly, Kyunghoon is comfortable with Heechul.

   Kyunghoon only has distant memories of going with his family as a whole, contrasting with Heechul's endless record of weekly hangouts with his rambunctious roommates. 

  "You know," Heechul begins. "I go with my friends to the karaoke place we're going to every Saturday. It's really fun, and they all sing too. It's like our own little concert." 

   Kyunghoon puckers his lips and furrows his eyebrows. "So...Are you skipping out on them?" 

   "No, no, no," Heechul quickly says, waving his hands. "We just decided to not go tonight. You know, they study and whatever." 

   "Ah," Kyunghoon nods. "I just...I hope I'm not stealing your time with them." 

   Heechul puffs out a laugh. "I live with those roaches. If anything, I'm taking my own time back by being with you." 

   This makes Kyunghoon tilt his head. He recalls the group of boys outside the school from the day before. "You...You live with your friends? Together? All of you?" 

   Heechul didn't realize he hasn't explained their situation. Oops.

  "Ah...ha ha, about that," he sheepishly says. "We...yeah, we live together. It's out of necessity, really." 

  "But what about your parents?" 

  "We've all either been forced to leave or have been kicked out, which are different. Not going to go into that. Just know that if we didn't know each other, we'd all probably be homeless. It's good, though. They're like the brothers I never had." 

   Kyunghoon studies Heechul. He looks like he wants to ask something, but decides against it. Instead, he leans back saying, "I see." 

   Tension winds between them. Up until this point, Heechul has been talking so this wouldn't happen. Now that it has, thoughts invade him and insecurities take shape. Just when it starts to eat him up, he stands.

   "Shall we go, then?" 

   Kyunghoon stands as well and nods. He lets Heechul lead the way out the door. 

--

  Before Kyunghoon knows it, he's in a white room with a karaoke machine in the corner, a T.V. on the wall, and a microphone in his hand alongside Heechul, belting away without a care in the world. He's been at it for about four songs in a row now and Kyunghoon just sits on the leather couch in disbelief. Heechul is clearly singing for mere fun and not at all being serious, but it can be easily assumed that if he tried he would give an exceptionally emotional performance. For now, however, he's just a silly dude yelling into a mic. 

   Yet another song finishes and the room rings in the lingering vibrations from the speakers and echoey mic. Heechul turns to Kyunghoon laughing and he laughs with him. Heechul looks like he's having the time of his life, and maybe he is. He slaps his hand on Kyunghoon's thigh and makes him jump out of his seat immediately, moving quickly to the songbook by the machine. Heechul doesn't notice and keeps laughing at how bad of a singer he is and makes fun of how he can sing songs that old men sing when they're drunk. He laughs about how his friends sing girl-group songs and make him dance to them since he knows all of the songs by the second. He laughs a lot. Kyunghoon just flips through the pages silently. He finds the song and punches in the number.

   One would think a boy like Kyunghoon would be shy about singing, but he's not. He doesn't find it to be a big deal as it's all just for a good time. So, he takes a deep breath, empties his head, and the beginning of the song begins. 

    널 사랑해 눈을 감아도 단 한번만 볼 수 있다면

   하늘이여 내 모든걸 가져가 미련없이 이 세상

   떠나갈께 안녕

   Kyunghoon keeps his eyes on the screen the entirety of the song. He doesn't look behind him to see the way Heechul's face falls in disbelief when he starts, or the way his mouth is agap. He doesn't notice he's sweating. Or tearing up. Or seeing red. His conscious doesn't exist.

    기다릴께 죽는 날까지 나 없다고 혼자 울지마

   너의 눈물 위로할 수 있도록 그날까지만 참고 견뎌야해

   He doesn't notice when Heechul puts down his mic and gets up from the couch. 

  사랑해 눈을 감아도 단 한번만 볼 수 있다면 하늘이여 내 모든걸 가져가 

  미련없이 이세상 떠나갈께 안녕

  He doesn't notice the warm hand in his when the screen reads '100, Perfect!' at the end of the song. His fingers don't interlock. He doesn't acknowledge anything. He doesn't really want to. 

   "Hey, you're really, really, really good...Kyunghoon." 

   No response. 

  "That's okay. We can stop if we want. My voice is tired anyway, I sang, like, fifteen songs. Your ears must hurt. Yeah, let's go." 

  "You can sing another one if you want, Heechul." Kyunghoon says without looking away from the screen. "I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back."

   He's gone out the door before Heechul can ask why. 

   Kyunghoon speeds off to the nearest bathroom and locks himself inside. It's small and not well-lit but that's not what he's worried about. Letting the faucet run, he grips at the edge of the cold sink and hangs his head. He throws up. He wants to go home. He wants his dad back. He wants time to stop and end at the same time. He wants to stop sweating. He doesn't want to cry ever again.  He wants his vision to stop blurring and his head to stop spinning. He wants the knocking on the door to stop. He throws up again.

   Heechul's muffled voice is calling for him. He's dizzy but he shakes it off the best he can. Empty your head out, idiot. He washes his hands vigorously five times before opening the door to a wide eyed Heechul inches from the door. Upon seeing Kyunghoon, he cups his face with both hands and moves them to his forehead, then his neck, then cupping his face again. He's saying things, but Kyunghoon is dazed and can't really decipher anything well enough to comprehend it all. He just nods over and over hoping it's for the right reasons. He doesn't realize one of the questions asked was if they should go back to Heechul's, which is why he's confused when he blinks and he's suddenly looking up at a ceiling that isn't his own and under a blanket that also isn't his. 

   His head feels like the static on a broken T.V. and he chooses to keep it still. He's numb and sick and can't think for himself at the moment. He isn't phased when around six boys he doesn't know surround him, tiptoeing around the edge of the sofa he's sunken into. They're saying stuff too. Why is everyone trying to talk to him? Did he pass out? Is that why he doesn't know where he is? Kyunghoon decides he can't be bothered and closes his eyes, letting the noise be drowned out completely.

   He sleeps in muted black. He feels himself erasing, like ice melting into water. It's like a temporary death. How he wished it would last a little longer than forever. 

Chapter Text

   Heechul watches Kyunghoon sing. It's such a unique voice. He has his own color, it's remarkable. Not only that, he sings with so much emotion. For a guy that has never experienced heartbreak, he could convince anyone by singing this incredibly difficult song. A voice that could move mountains. Just by seeing his back, he's captivating to watch.

    At first, Heechul thought Kyunghoon's voice breaking in devastation was a part of his performance, but it's when he shakily sings out the last word his hand falls to his side and Heechul gets up to hold it. It's limp under his grip. Kyunghoon doesn't hold his hand back.

   Heechul looks up to Kyunghoon and his eyes are those black pits that scare him so much. The side of his face is shiny with sweat and tears threaten to fall. Something happened when he was singing this particular song, clearly. Heechul doesn't want him to fall deeper into the feeling, so he tells Kyunghoon that they can leave. He wanted to say, You don't have to feel like this. We can talk... but he didn't. He regrets it more when Kyunghoon runs away. 

   Heechul lets him go at first, letting Kyunghoon freshen himself up. He's a big boy, he can do that stuff on his own. The three minutes became five and those became ten, then fifteen, and Heechul makes a run for it to the bathroom. Fear drops to his stomach like a stone when he knocks on the door and calls for him without a single response. 

   "Kyunghoon? Kyunghoon! Hey, you okay in there? You've been in here for a while, come on out. Is something wrong?"

   Kyunghoon opens the door. He looks awful, and white. There's vomit on the corner of his mouth and Heechul panics immediately. He takes his face in his hands without thinking, pulling his sleeve of his hoodie up and wiping his mouth gently. 

   "Hey! Hey, did you throw up? Oh my God, what's gotten into you? Are you sick? What did you eat, man? Do you need help? Kyunghoon, talk to me. Stop nodding you punk, what do you need? Min Kyunghoon, tell me what it is you need. Should we go to my place? It's only a five minute walk. Should we go? Hey! Get a grip. Min Kyunghoon--" 

   The boy's eyes roll back and he falls forward. Heechul catches him, stumbling as he does. He clenches his jaw and panics even more. He was beginning to be upset but now he's at a loss. He takes a deep breath and slings Kyunghoon over his shoulder. You're so heavy. What did you do? he thinks. He fishes his phone out of his pocket as he shuffles out of the karaoke place, calling Jungsoo. 

   Heechul ended up carrying Kyunghoon on his back the whole way to the complex. Before he could knock on the door, it was swung open by Jungsoo with Youngwoon right behind him, who takes Kyunghoon right away. Jungsoo attempts to calm Heechul down, who's talking far too fast and all of the other boys are looking back and forth. Kyunghoon is put on the couch by Youngwoon with the help of Siwon, telling the ones who were occupying it to move right away. 

    "I don't know what happened, what the hell happened? Is he ill? Should we take him to the hospital? I felt his forehead, he doesn't have a fever. I don't know. I don't know! I don't know…" Heechul rambles.

   Jungsoo shushes him and says, "He doesn't need a hospital, he'll be fine here. Let him rest for now." 

    Heechul doesn't take his eyes off Kyunghoon lying on the couch. Kyuhyun brings his own blanket and covers him with it carefully. Some of the boys are watching silently while the likes of Donghae and Jongwoon ask Kyunghoon questions as if he can answer them. Jungsoo can only look concerned for him and Heechul. If it wasn't for the abnormal paleness and sweat, it would've looked as though he was sleeping soundly. 

   Jungsoo shoos everyone away from the living room and Heechul sits on the floor in front of Kyunghoon. He adjusts the blanket so it covers up to his neck and just sits. His face is contorted in worry.

   Jungsoo stands behind him with his arms crossed. "What did you do?" 

   Heechul turns up and looks at him. "You think I did something? Ha. No, nothing. Just took him to the place and he sang one song after I sang a million of them. What, one song is too much? This kid…" 

   "Hey." Jungsoo raises his voice and Heechul disarms himself. "What's wrong with you? Why are you mad at him?" 

   "You know I'm not mad, jerk." 

   Jungsoo pauses. "Why are you being like this, Heechul?" It's more of a statement than a question. 

   The two let air fall between them. Jungsoo sighs deeply before walking away. He stops at the entrance of the main hall. 

   "Call his mom. She'll get worried." 

   Heechul opens his mouth to say something but Jungsoo disappears. As he does, Heechul reaches for Kyunghoon's jacket that he left at the foot of the couch and fishes the pockets for his phone. He calls Kyunghoon's mom and apologizes profusely before telling he will spend the night until he's better. The panic in her voice hurts his heart but he successfully assures her that her son is in good hands. When he hangs up, guilt begins to swallow him.

  He slumps his shoulders and looks back at Kyunghoon. His hair is stuck to his forehead from sweat so he brushes it away delicately, making sure not to disturb him. 

    "Thank you." Kyunghoon says. 

   Heechul softens his face. "For what?" 

   "For...helping me out. Taking care of me. You didn't have to, you know." 

   "I wanted to. I want us to be friends. You deserve a good friend." 

   "I meant it, you know," Heechul says. "Really. I'm your friend. Just talk to me."

   He rests his chin on the edge of the sofa, right next to Kyunghoon's hand. He inches his fingers closer and closer to his, but he doesn't hold it. He's not sure what to do anymore. "Kyunghoon. I want to do...something for you. But...I don't know what. Anything. Just say the word." 

   "Let's end this." 

  Heechul jumps at the sound of Kyunghoon's croaky voice. "You're up? What--" 

  "Let's end this, Heechul. I'm serious." He keeps his eyes closed when he speaks. Heechul freezes. 

   "End what?" 

   "Us. This. I've caused too much trouble for you and I've only known you for three days. I'm...I'm sorry." 

   Heechul is helpless, but he tries anyway. "No. I'm not giving up on you. You're giving up on me before I can even think about it. I sound selfish but...that's not fair." 

   "You don't deserve this." Kyunghoon says, as if only he can hear it alone. "I wished you never cared about me. I wish you ignored me like everything else. Isn't it amazing how quickly I ruined it for the both of us?" 

   Heechul shakes his head. "You don't know what you're saying right now. Just stay. You're in no condition to go home. I called your mom, she knows you're here. Stay." 

  At this, Kyunghoon opens his eyes to look at Heechul directly. His eyes are red but Heechul's are pleading. 

  "Please?" 

   Kyunghoon stares at him with a blank expression. He's reluctant, but nods anyway. Heechul nods back and pats the blanket.

   "Rest. I'm not going anywhere." 

--

   Kyunghoon doesn't remember falling back asleep but wakes up to a pitch black room. He's dazed but slowly he regains memory of the day. I knew karaoke was a bad idea, he thinks. 

   The living room window lets the moonlight allow for a bit of sight. Kyunghoon turns his head and sees Heechul, lying on the floor asleep. He doesn't have a blanket on him or a pillow under his head. Just himself. The night's glow seems to make his skin glisten and Kyunghoon can't help but stare.

   Kyunghoon slips out from under the blanket and puts it on top of Heechul. He takes a throw pillow and tucks it under his head. Kyunghoon ends up curled up on the floor with him, looking at his face that is centimeters from him. He can feel his soft breathing against his cheek.

   No touch, he warns himself.

   Quietly, slightly unstable, he stands up. Dots form in his eyes but he ignores them. He takes his jacket and checks his phone. It's close to being 1AM. 

   "It's too late to leave."

   Kyunghoon turns around to see a boy leaning against the wall. He remembers as him as the one that was looking at him and Heechul, when he held his hand. The one he thought would maybe confront him. Now that he's here, arms crossed and steely eyes, Kyunghoon thinks that day has already come. He bows his head low. 

   "I'm sorry." he says quietly. A heavy silence falls.

   "Come outside. Let's talk." 

   Kyunghoon's eyes widen. The boy walks by him to the door and Kyunghoon follows him from a distance, keeping his head down. 

   They sit on the porch steps side by side, with a space between them. The boy next to Kyunghoon is looking ahead with only a hoodie and sweatpants on, while Kyunghoon has his coat. He holds himself and shifts uncomfortably. 

   "We haven't met. I'm Jungsoo." 

   Kyunghoon peers at him from the corner of his eye. He doesn't look back at him. 

   "Ah...It's nice to meet you." 

   A pause.

   "I remember you from middle school." 

  Kyunghoon stiffens. He holds himself tighter. 

   "Middle school was the worst part of your life, wasn't it? Everyone from our class remembers. Everyone remembers you suddenly leaving. No one said it, but we all knew. I'm sorry." 

  Jungsoo's breath dissolves in the air. Kyunghoon thinks he stopped breathing all together. 

  "That was around six years ago. It's been a long time...but time doesn't heal you completely. I was really surprised to see you again at our school. Min Kyunghoon." Jungsoo meets eyes with him. "How have you been? It's been hard, hasn't it?" 

   Kyunghoon's throat is closed up and Jungsoo pays close attention to him.

   "You know, I met Heechul in our first year. He was new, like you. He wasn't shy. He was quite brash and rude. Some kids said he wasn't like a real human. How can someone say such nasty things to teachers? He got in trouble a lot for his mouth. No one wanted to be around him because they thought that if they were associated with him, they'd get in trouble too. However, I didn't think that way. I befriended him. He really needed someone to look out for him." 

   "I got my other friends to like him too. As it turned out, Heechul wasn't living well. I couldn't bear to sit with that knowledge, so I told him to live with us. He's been here ever since. He's one of my best friends. I don't know what I'd do without him." 

   Jungsoo watches Kyunghoon absorb his words. He turns back to the darkness in front of him and breathes in deep before speaking again. 

   "Let him know about you. Let him be patient with you. Let him learn about the small things about you and the bigger things you want to hide. It's scary, I know, especially for you. But if you leave him now and you need someone later...it won't be so easy. Don't push him away, Kyunghoon. You're not alone. Got it?" 

Chapter Text

   Kyunghoon and Heechul hadn't spoken to one another since that Saturday.

   More accurately, it was Kyunghoon didn't speak to Heechul. The events made him so ashamed. And weak. He couldn't look him in the eye or even in his general direction. 

   It was harder to avoid his presence when his seat was right in front of Kyunghoon. It's even harder to avoid his friends, who seem to be everywhere. It's as if he constantly has to look over his shoulder.

   He opted to private studying in the library, by the teacher's permission and understanding. 

   "Is something wrong? Anything I can help you with?" she had asked, genuinely concerned.

   "Just this," Kyunghoon answered. "This will help. Thank you." 

   For a week, he hid in the library. Without any curly-haired distractions, he was able to get his work done. He didn't have to think about dizzy heads or leftover bile in his throat. Just him and his subjects. 

   Gym class was hard. In the middle of the week, a partnered relay race was to be done. Kyunghoon excused himself to the bathroom before anyone could see him and sat on the floor of the locked stall for most of the period. When he heard the door open, he ducked his head in his knees. 

   "Kyunghoon? Are you in here?" 

   He lifted his head to a voice that wasn't from someone he expected. He watched as sneakers approached his stall door and stop abruptly.

   "What are you doing hiding in there?" Jungsoo asked. 

   Kyunghoon tucked back his chin. "Not hiding…" 

   "Yeah, you are." 

   Jungsoo sighed. 

   "Our teacher is looking for you. The class is changing and the bell is going to ring soon. You might want to get out now." 

   Kyunghoon sighed. "Go on ahead. I'll be out when you are." 

   Jungsoo tapped his foot. He probably crossed his arms. "Are you embarrassed?" 

  "No!" Kyunghoon answered, a tad too quickly. Jungsoo snickered. 

  "Alright. I'll go. Just wanted to know if you were okay." 

  "Kind of sick of everyone asking me if I'm okay." 

  Jungsoo's feet were walking away but stopped at Kyunghoon's mumble, of which he clearly heard. A silence followed and slimed over the tiles of the floor. 

   "Heechul thinks he did something wrong. Just talk to him. It's best for the both of you. Damn, did you even absorb my words at all?" Then he left. 

   As the sound of the door closing echoed to the ceiling, Kyunghoon tilted his back against the wall.

-- 

< 오늘 날씨 진짜 좋아^^ 하늘 봐 봐 > 

[the weather is so nice today^^ look at the sky]

< 응 >

[yeah.]

< 그럼 우리 잠깐 만날 수 있을까? >

[then, can we meet later?]

--

   Kyunghoon stared at the text he had sent. He initiated meeting with a person, not the other way around. When the reality first crashed into his skull, he threw his phone at his bed and panicked.

   Now, he's sitting on a playground bench with his hands in his coat pockets, checking his watch every now and then, waiting. 

   Heechul was right, the weather was nice. It's been only biting cold for the longest time but today, the sun decided to shine and expel some natural warmth on Kyunghoon's face. He watched clouds drift and kids play on the jungle-gym a few yards from him. He watched one fall to the ground and get back up right away without sparing a single tear.

   In his daze, a child sat right next to him. He ignored her, but she looked up at him. He looked back down at her expectedly. 

   "Hello," Kyunghoon said. He tried to smile a little. "Um...what's your name?" 

   "Kim Minseo," she answered right away. "What's your name, sir?" 

   "Ah...Min Kyunghoon. Nice to meet you." 

   The newly bench buddies sat silently. Minseo swayed a little and kicked her legs in the air. Kyunghoon observed her. 

   "Is it fun to kick your feet like that?" he asked. She shrugged in response without looking at him. "Okay. I'll do that too." So, he did. He started to kick his feet in time with the little girl's. They looked at each other's legs in the air. 

   "Minseo." 

   "Yes?" 

   "When was the last time you were sad?" 

   "Um...I think...I think I'm sad now." 

   "Oh. Why?" 

   "I had a misunderstanding with my friend, but I don't think we can be friends anymore. Now I feel lonely." 

   "Is that why you sat with me? Because you're lonely?" 

   "Kind of. You looked lonely too, so I wanted you to not feel like that. Then I sat here."

   "Really? Haha. Well...thank you, Minseo." 

   Kyunghoon's legs slowed down and eventually stopped. He turned his head to Minseo. "But...you should know this, if it makes you feel better…"

   Minseo looks up at him with big, rounded eyes. Kyunghoon took a deep breath. 

   "From here on out, you will have to leave a lot of...things. People. Pets. Don't be too sad about it, though. It's...okay. It's okay to feel that pain once in a while. Just often enough for you to grow up from them and...eventually be able to accept such emotions. So that you are to become someone who can conquer them." 

   Minseo stared and Kyunghoon stared back. He can tell she's sad. He doesn't know her, but his heart still hurts. He wishes he can live by his own words.

   "I hope you don't have to feel these emotions a lot." 

  At this, Minseo gives him a kind smile. "Thanks, sir. You're really smart. You're really nice, too." 

  Kyunghoon smiled back, for real this time. "It's nothing." 

  Minseo giggled and hopped off the bench. Her face seems brighter than before, but the darkness from when they initially met hadn't completely faded.

   "I'm gonna tell my mom about what you said. I think she would be proud that I learned something new." She shuffled in place for a bit longer. "Thank you. I hope you have a good day. Good week. Good month. Good year!" 

   Kyunghoon laughed at her exclamation. "You too. Now, go play." 

  Minseo smiles and skips away to the jungle-gym where other kids are clamouring about. Kyunghoon watches, truly delighted. It only lasts up until someone walks up next to him. He looks up and his face falls.

   It's Heechul.

   "I hope you don't feel those emotions, either." Heechul says. His stare is pathetic. "Not too much. Just enough." 

   Kyunghoon can't open his mouth. He doesn't say anything when Heechul takes his hand out from his pocket into his own. "Are your hands always cold?" he wonders outloud.

   Kyunghoon slowly slips his hand out from Heechul's palms, allowing his fingers to trickle like water. Desperately, he hoped he wouldn't miss the warmth, but he did. The unsolicited touch made it too real. He averts his gaze. 

   "Do you...want to talk here?" Kyunghoon asks. 

   "Only if you want to." 

   "Okay." 

--

   Kyunghoon and Heechul sat on the bench without speaking. The sun had begun to set, so the children left with the blue yonder and white sun. Now the sky blushed in pink and orange hues. Somehow, the sound of their breathing didn't need to be filled with anything else, nor did the sinking and rising of their chests. The distance that closed off the two of them, however...It went for miles. 

   Heechul twiddled with his thumbs for a while, just trying to think of something to say. The last time he had trouble with his words around Kyunghoon was that first day they formally met. After that, everything seemed to be so obvious. Nothing was forced. How did one weekend change what was going so well? Eventually, he speaks.

   "I'm sorry. I should have just taken you home that time. Your mom must have been worried sick." 

  Kyunghoon hums to let him know he's listening, but he doesn't respond. Heechul nods. The flow of the conversation had been established. 

   "You could have just said no, you know, to karaoke. I wouldn't have forced you to sing, if I knew you'd...react that way. I wish you told me. Something is always stopping you. From here on out, no more hiding stuff. I want us to be open with each other. That may not be easy for you and that's okay, I'll lead us into it. You don't have to worry about it. Okay?" 

   No response. Again. Heechul knows it's no use, so he slumps back against the bench. "Do you even want to be friends at this point? Were you honest when you said you were just being nice when you agreed to go to that cafe? Just tell me, will you?" 

   Heechul twists his torso towards Kyunghoon, who has not moved from his position since he saw him. He's staring in some vague direction and Heechul isn't sure what to do or say. He didn't realize it, but Kyunghoon's shoulders were scrunched. When he takes a long exhale and closes his eyes, Heechul relaxes. 

   "I…I really, really miss my dad." Kyunghoon's eyes close tighter, as if he's physically suppressing memories. "He...God, he passed away. He's gone." 

   Heehcul's stomach drops. Kyunghoon pushes through. 

   "I was in middle school. I came home from school with my mom that day. I made dinner with her. We waited for him to come home but he never came."

   Kyunghoon took another deep breath.

   "He worked in the city for some big company, so he took the train every day. We didn't see him all that much. That day, however…Something happened on the train. He tried to stop a guy with a gun but…" 

   Heechul watched Kyunghoon steady himself, in every sense. He could feel himself get nauseous hearing every word. 

   "He was genuinely a good person. I loved him a lot, but clearly he liked my brother more. I would too. He was smarter, more talkative, better-looking...I never hated him for that, though. I was just confused as to why couldn't he like me too. I was just the other, lesser son. After he...After he had gone, I could never hate him. Not in a million years." 

   "We would go to karaoke each weekend. My dad liked to sing. I began to like singing because of him. We'd do that song together every time…" 

   At this, Kyunghoon began to cry. He cried for a while. His eyes were still closed, so his tears rolled down his cheeks more easily. Heechul closed the space between them and wrapped his arms around the boy. His shaking shoulders and face buried in Heechul's chest devastated him. He didn't say anything, just stroked his head. 

   "I thought...I thought I was okay...I just sang it...I'm so dumb…" Kyunghoon said in between hiccups.

   Heechul held him securely, but not too tight. 

   "You're not dumb. Don't you ever say that. You're not." Heechul scolded him quietly, but with false anger. "You didn't know, it's alright. Did it happen before? You know, the whole thing…" 

    "Yeah. Like...two years ago." Kyunghoon sniffed. "I didn't think it would happen again." 

    "I see…" 

   Heechul remained with his arms around the boy for a moment longer, before Kyunghoon pulled away wiping his face. Heechul helped. He managed to continue. 

   "I got into a really dark place when it happened. I didn't want to...live anymore. Living hurt. It was empty. I felt less of what I was before, which wasn't even much to begin with. So, I...tried."

   He didn't have to explain any further.

   Heechul stared at him, his expression pained. He took Kyunghoon's hand again, and then the other. Kyunghoon looked down at them, then at the watch locked around his left wrist. He flipped it so the inside of it was turned up motioned slightly forward to Heechul, who looked up at him. Kyunghoon didn't meet his eyes, he just nudged his left wrist at him again. Heechul stared at it and hesitantly hovered his fingers over the clasp. His glance asked for permission and Kyunghoon nodded, still avoiding his gaze.

   When Heechul unlocked the clasp, a single pale, white line ran along the vein on Kyunghoon's already pale arm. A scar was revealed. Not just the ones inside, but a visible wound. It was healed, but it told Heechul everything. His finger shakily traced its path for half a second before Kyunghoon hid it away, putting his watch back on. Heechul noticed its thick band and how it neatly tucked under his sleeve. He would've never known. 

   Kyunghoon cleared his throat while Heechul stared at him.

   Look at me, he pleaded in his head. Look at me, even for a second. 

  "I never intended to tell you all of this," Kyunghoon quietly admitted. "I didn't think...it would get this far. All of this. It's all really morbid, sorry. You were right, you really are going to annoy me for the rest of my life."

   He laughed. There was no humor behind it.

   "After Saturday, I just prayed that you'd leave me behind and forget about everything. It was all just so humiliating, I couldn't stand the thought of being in front of you. I'm sorry I abandoned you like that." 

   Heechul shook his head. "Don't apologize." He carefully took Kyunghoon into a hug again. He was limp under him.

   "I understand you've been through a lot and still are. I'm so, so sorry you had to experience it alone. It's a lot to navigate, but I promise you that I'm gonna be right here. I'll be wherever and whatever you need me to be." 

   Kyunghoon starts to cry again. "I really don't deserve this…" he whispers. 

   "Yes, you do. I'm gonna be right here, no matter what." Heechul says as earnestly as he possibly can. 

   Heechul said that he understood Kyunghoon is going through something. His understanding is air, helping Kyunghoon breathe. He finally allows himself to be at ease under his embrace. He closes his eyes tightly again, not because of the pain in remembering but from the comfort of knowing. Knowing that he is being accepted and recognized. He's now permitting himself to rely on someone, something he hasn't done in ages. 

    Kyunghoon can breathe now. 

Chapter Text

   A lot of learning had been done between the two and it never really stopped. Kyunghoon eventually learned that Heechul wants to be a fashion designer. 

   Kyunghoon went to Heechul's shared home often, mostly during the day. Rarely, he'd stay for dinner because that's when Heechul's friends would be around and he felt as though he was intruding. However, none of the boys paid any mind to his presence or considered him a nuisance. Quite the contrary, actually. He was welcomed as a guest.

   In the first dinner he stayed for, he sat next to Hyukjae. Just by mere chance, not will. They looked at each other and Kyunghoon visibly froze. Hyukjae stared back at him with a dirty look, and Donghae scooted his way in between them. Other than that, it went well. He ate well. He listened to everyone's recountings of their days well and learned a lot about them, except for Siwon for some reason. He spoke the least, only joined in on everyone's antics and jokings. Kyunghoon chose to ignore it.

   Other than these days, he would stay after school to study with Heechul, even if a lot of it was spent not actually studying. Just lying on their backs on Heechul's bed, eyes up at the white ceiling. He didn't care, though. Even if they talked about a whole lot of nothing, he felt safe being with Heechul. 

   One day, he spotted Heechul's sketchbooks lying next to his pillow on his bed. 

   "Ah, these?" Heechul asked, following Kyunghoon's line of vision. Kyunghoon looked back at him as if he had been caught seeing something he shouldn't have. 

   "Sorry, I never saw them," he quickly said. Heechul laughed out loud, holding his tummy. 

   "It's not some big secret, don't worry about it," Heechul said relaxed. "They're what I'm proud of, nothing to hide."

   He patted on a spot next to him on the blankets and Kyunghoon followed, unsure but obediently. Heechul reached over, grabbed two of the three sketchbooks and flipped through them.

   Kyunghoon observed them in their swift pencil strokes, abundant colors, different styles, men's and women's designs alike. The two boys met eyes at the same time, both smiling, and Heechul's heart clenched. 

   Kyunghoon's eyes were sparkling for the first time since he had ever seen him. Sparkling brighter than the sun's glimmer on river waters, brighter than a thousand stars. Not from tears like before, but from pure, innocent joy. The hollow pits seemed to have vanished. 

   "These are so cool, Heechul!" Kyunghoon exclaimed. "You made these all yourself? How long did they take?" 

   Heechul pulled himself together from his Kyunghoon-centric orbit and answered him. "Putting them down on paper doesn't take long if I have an idea already in mind. It's easier to have all of my materials within reach. Whenever I think of something, I draw it right away." 

   Kyunghoon listened to every word and Heechul felt his face warm up.

   "It's not a big deal though. They're just vague ideas, you know." 

   "I think they're great ideas," Kyunghoon whispered. His breath could be felt right on Heechul's cheek.

   Heechul looked at him from the corner of his eye, slightly pushing Kyunghoon.

   "I'm serious!" Kyunghoon laughed. 

   "I know. I think...never mind." Heechul hid his face, the warmth growing. 

   "Think what?" Kyunghoon questioned, peering at the other boy. He used his hand to move his curly hair and Heechul stood up. 

   "Gotta pee, I'll be back!" Heechul yelled while running out of the bedroom.

   Kyunghoon laughed to himself in both disbelief and amusement. He looked back at the two opened sketchbook and went through the pages himself, carefully looking at every detail as he would prefer to.

   He draws so well, Kyunghoon thinks. So talented.

   He absent-mindedly looks behind him and spots the third sketchbook. He takes it without a second thought and opens it to a random spot in the middle. His feels his mouth open slightly at what he sees: himself. 

   A detailed, realistic portrait in pencil of himself greets him. It's clearly his face, looking to the side somewhere. The lines are light, soft, and calculated. He can't believe his eyes. He shakes his head and flips to another page, only to meet himself again. This time, it's a full front view of his face. His thin-rimmed glasses are in this portrait and so are his dimples. He touches his own real ones subconsciously. How did Heechul capture his face, his small features, so well? With such delicacy and care? Why? he wonders. 

   "'Cause I like good faces." 

   Kyunghoon almost falls off the bed at the sound of Heechul's voice combined with the speed at which he turned around. The sketchbook drops from his hands closed. He realizes…

   "Did you hear me?" 

   "Did you think out-loud? Yeah," Heechul says. He looks at the sketchbook Kyunghoon closed and smiles. "You like them? My portraits?" 

   Kyunghoon struggles to form words and his ears are getting hot. "What?" is what he manages. 

   "At a loss for words, huh?" Heechul giggles. "I think I draw my ugly friends pretty well. Especially Siwon, he has such strong features." 

   Kyunghoon thinks for a moment. Heechul doesn't know he looked at the sketches of, well, himself. He thinks he only saw the ones of his roomates. Kyunghoon exhales at the realization.

   "Yeah...Yeah, they're really good. So realistic…" 

   Heechul pats his chest proudly. "I try my best, I try my best," he says pridefully. "I didn't mean to show those to you until later, but I guess since curiosity got the best of you…"

   Kyunghoon raises his hands up in defense. "I never saw them. Promise." 

   Heechul tilts his head and pouts, as if he saw a baby fall from running too fast. "Those aren't a secret either, but I'm grateful for your loyalty." 

   Kyunghoon looked away and back at the sketchbook. "Is my face...good?" he asked quietly. 

   Heechul stood unmoving for a moment, then walked towards the bed. Kyunghoon watched him as he sat next to him, looking straight into his eyes. It looked as though he had something to say. Their noses were inches apart.

   Suddenly, Heechul shrugged, like he was finalizing his thorough scans of Kyunghoon's face.  

   "Yeah. I like your face. It's nice to draw," he says casually. He pats the top of Kyunghoon's head, then lightly on his cheek. "You have a nice face to draw." 

   Kyunghoon shifts. Heechul has a late reaction to his own words and backs up.

   "Not like...I ever drew you or...anything…" he trailed off. Kyunghoon blinks. 

   "It'd be cool, I think." 

   "What would?" 

   "If you drew me...I think it'd be cool." 

--

   During Christmas break, they saw each other frequently. They would go to PC rooms and that one cafe often. The shortened time made them want to be together more than usual. They'd spend time playing games together for hours or chatted over lattes they didn't drink all the way. Warmth was provided through smiles and occasional, yet welcomed, hand-holding. 

   "They say it's going to snow today," Heechul supplies, sipping on his latte. "Wanna go to the park? It'd be the first snow of the year." 

   Kyunghoon looks into his mug. "What do you do with your friends on the first snow?" 

   Heechul rests his hand on the table. "What, like in general?" 

   "No, with your friends. What do you guys do together?" 

   "Oh. I mean...nothing special, really. We'd stay inside and play video games. Someone would look outside and go, 'it's snowing!' Then we'd all go, 'oh wow.' That'd be the extent of our first snow days." 

    "Are you saying you want to make this one special?" 

   The boys met eyes. Heechul didn't know what Kyunghoon was insinuating, but he hoped it was something to look forward to.

   "You could say that." he answered.

   Kyunghoon looked back down at his mug again, smiling a shy smile this time. Heechul inadvertently smiled as well. 

--

   By the time they arrived at the park, snowflakes had already started falling slowly. Kyunghoon puffed out a breath playfully and watched it dissolve into the air. Heechul took his hand and held it, tucking it into his coat pocket. The two walked on the concrete path in comfortable silence. 

   "What did you do on the first snow? When you were little, I mean." Heechul asked. His words were muffled by the red scarf wrapped around his neck, drowning him up to his nose.

   Kyunghoon hummed, going through kind memories. 

   "My brother and I would play in the field. It was wide and open, we ran up to the very edges of it. The snow looked like it never ended since it wasn't all shoveled right away." he mused. "I remember we were walking back to our house at night, up the hill. It was covered completely. You couldn't see the road at all. Just the footprints we'd left behind. The moon was so bright." 

   Heechul nodded along. "You had quite the complicated relationship with your brother, I assume," he thought aloud. "With the favoritism and all..." 

   Kyunghoon cleared his throat and Heechul realized he crossed a line. "Back then, we didn't notice it as much. We were kids. We still loved each other." 

   Heechul rubbed circles with his thumb on Kyunghoon's knuckles in his pocket as he listened.

    As much torment he experienced, Kyunghoon was very fond of his childhood. It left Heechul light in his heart, knowing Kyunghoon can still look back in happiness and nostalgia. It's exactly what he'd hoped. 

   "What about you? Did you spend those days with your family when you were a kid?" Kyunghoon asked. 

   Heechul smiled. "I spent them with my sister. Us siblings were a rare case, back then." 

   Kyunghoon turned his head to him. "I don't understand…" 

   Heechul sighed, letting a long puff of breath in front of him. "Foster kids." 

   Kyunghoon stopped walking. His hand fell out of Heechul's pocket. 

   "We were fosters, but we learned to be happy with ourselves. First snow's were the best days of our lives. We'd just throw snow at each other and sing Christmas songs when snowflakes fell."

  Heechul turned to Kyunghoon, who was wide eyed and sad. Heechul continued to smile. "Like I said, we were happy." 

   Heechul brushed a snowflake off of Kyunghoon's eyebrow and let his finger fall on his reddened nose. He stuffed Kyunghoon's hand back into his pocket in a tight clasp. 

   "Come on. The field is close." 

--

    An endless blanket of white, Kyunghoon thought. The snow was falling harder and the flakes had gotten bigger. Now, the field was covered entirely.

   Heechul led Kyunghoon through the children that ran about, leaving powder flying through the air. He had a destination in mind, so he ignored the chaos around him. Kyunghoon clung onto him. 

   They stopped under three large trees, just barely off the center of the field but yards and yards away from the clusters of children.

   The snowfall continued to thicken. Kyunghoon looked up and a flake dropped into his eye, making him yelp in surprise. Heechul blew on his eye while asking him if he's blind, telling him he's brainless for thinking that no consequences would come out of what he did. They laughed together, under a dying tree and the heavy falling of white. 

   "Pretty," Heechul suddenly commented.

   Kyunghoon blinked. "Huh?" 

   "The sky," Heechul motioned up with his chin. "It's white like the ground. It doesn't sparkle though. Kinda wish it did." 

   "It will at night," Kyunghoon reasoned. "It's night time. Stars and stuff." 

  "You know, your eyes looked like that when you saw my sketches." 

   "Like stars?" 

   Heechul nodded. "Mm. Stars, starry eyes. Like the Van Gough painting. They swirled."

   Kyunghoon grinned. "You're a poet." 

   Heechul kicked a bit of snow at his legs. "I just tried to compliment you and you're gonna act smart with me," he snarled with no real remorse. "Whatever. I stand by my statement." 

   Heechul's back was rested against the tree behind him with Kyunghoon standing only a foot away. His hand was still in Heechul's pocket, entrapped in coziness and soft skin. He felt Heechul's thumb make slow, small rounds. 

   "You know what I've noticed?" Heechul said, not really asking for an answer. "In dramas, couples would kiss while it was snowing, but they would be leaving each other. Every time. Why does it have to snow in such a sad moment? Is it sad to snow? I don't know about you, but I'm perfectly happy right now." He stared at Kyunghoon as he said all of this.

   "Are you sad right now, Kyunghoon?" 

   "No. I'm actually really happy." 

   Even in this freezing cold, his numb feet and ears, his drying eyes...Kyunghoon never wanted this to end. He made a step closer to Heechul, enclosing themselves from the rest of the world. For now, it didn't exist. 

   "You wanna know a secret?" Heechul said quietly, just barely over a whisper. 

   "Hm?" Kyunghoon hummed. 

   "I've always wanted to have my first kiss in the first snow." 

   Kyunghoon slightly tightened his grasp on Heechul's hand.

   "Really?" 

   "Yeah. I want it to be special." Heechul said. "With someone really, really special." 

Chapter Text

   "Merry Christmas, Min Kyunghoon," Heechul's soft voice rang on the other line. Kyunghoon rubbed his eyes. 

   "Hey...It's midnight…" Kyunghoon whispered tiredly. 

   "Exactly. Merry Christmas. Say it back." 

   Kyunghoon rolled over onto his back with his phone to his ear, still trying to process this phone call. "Um...Merry Christmas, Heechul," he exhaled. "But you couldn't wait until later to call?" 

   "Nope." 

   "Doesn't sound like you're very sorry about it." 

   "Yeah, I'm not."

   Kyunghoon covered his face with his hand. He doesn't know who exactly he's hiding his big, dumb grin from but he feels as though Heechul could see it somehow.

   "Okay. Well, go to bed. I wanna sleep." 

   "Wait! Don't sleep yet," Heechul heightened his whisper. "Don't, not yet. Can you wait for a second?" 

   Kyunghoon was suddenly more awake but made sure to still keep quiet. "Why? Is something wrong?" 

   "No, nothing's wrong. I'll just look really stupid if you fall asleep and I can't give you your present." 

   At this, Kyunghoon fully sat up on his bed. "Are you coming to my house?!" he hissed. "Stop, wherever you are, turn around. Right now. You can't come here. My mom is asleep!" 

   "That's too bad because I can see your persimmon tree." 

   Kyunghoon hopped off his bed with a quickness and parted his window's blinds slightly. Before he knew it, Heechul could be seen approaching the gate, in all of his bright-red-scarf glory. A small paper bag was clutched in his hand. The street lamp's light lit his face enough for Kyunghoon to observe his smile. He sighed. 

   "I can't believe you," Kyunghoon said. 

   "I think you should come outside," Heechul sings quietly. "If not, I'll leave it at your gate for a stray cat to eat up." 

   Kyunghoon zipped away from his window and grabbed a hoodie draped over his desk chair. "Okay, okay, I'm coming," he said.

   The fuzzy rush in his chest is starting to distressingly resemble the feeling of heartburn as he tiptoes out of his room. The floorboards creak with every step and Kyunghoon chews his bottom lip away at every sound. His house isn't one that echoes, but he feels as though the wood's squealing is ricocheting off the walls.

   By the time he crosses the living room and into the entrance hall, the motion-sensor light at the door lights up and Kyunghoon yelps involuntarily. Heechul giggles on the other line. 

   "Did you trip?" he snickers. 

   "Shut up," Kyunghoon mumbles. He slowly, slowly, turns the knob on the door open.

   The chill of the night sweeps Kyunghoon off his feet and he endures the frosty breeze for the moment. Once he is fully stepped out onto the porch, he looks up, his phone still to his ear. Heechul turns and they meet eyes. He didn't think it was possible, but Heechul's smile grows impossibly wider. 

   "Are you going to hang up first or should I?" Kyunghoon hears Heechul's whisper rattle in his brain. 

  "Me. I'll hang--" 

  Heechul laughs from the other side of the gate as he puts his phone in his pocket. He cut Kyunghoon off. Kyunghoon puffs his cheeks and strides towards the other boy. 

   "You're so mean," he whines. Heechul's giggles get louder at this and Kyunghoon swipes his index finger over his lips. Heechul shuts up right away. Before the air could get awkwardly stiff, Heechul lifts up the paper bag in his hand to Kyunghoon's face. His arm doesn't cross the gate locked between them. 

   "Your gift," he says. His eyes are bright and proud.

   Kyunghoon swallows hard. His eyes flick to the bag and he takes it carefully. 

   "Thank you. You didn't have to, you know…" Kyunghoon sheepishly hugs the bag to his chest.

   Heechul pats the top of his head, flattening the tuft of hair from rolling out of bed not even ten minutes ago. He looks at him apologetically. 

   "I wanted to. You don't have to open it now if you want. You must be tired," Heechul says. "Sorry, I feel bad for waking you up like this." 

   Kyunghoon widens his eyes. "No, it's okay! I can open it now, you came all this way to hand it to me."

   He opens the bag and peers at what's inside: an envelope accompanied with whatever is wrapped in white tissue-paper at the bottom. It must be the present. Kyunghoon crouches to the ground and puts the bag down, taking out the wrapped object. He holds it in his hands for a moment and tears off the wrapping.

   It's a vintage camera. The silver details glint under the street light towering over. 

   Heechul cranes his neck over the gate to see Kyunghoon's face better. "Do you like it? I put some film in there too, so that you can actually use it." 

   Kyunghoon raises his head up at him. He ignores his heart beating loudly in his ears.

   "Where...Where did you get this?" he asks quietly. 

   Heechul crosses his arms, relishing in what seems to be pride. "Dongmyo Market. I went there a while ago with my other friends. We were all gift shopping there. So, I got you this."

  Kyunghoon looks back at the camera in his hands. It's quite a bulky size with silver edges. The condition seemed almost new. He smiled. "I love it," he says. 

   It's as though he has swallowed the sun. Warmth spreads out from his chest, to the tips of his fingers, to his toes. The night's biting cold is nonexistent. He tries to find more words of thanks to say, but it doesn't seem like he has to when Heechul pats his head again. I'm glad, is what his touch says. Kyunghoon's feet are flat on the earth beneath him, but it's as though he's tipping over. He's falling, deeper and deeper, and he's letting it happen with open arms. 

-- 

  New Year's Eve comes around and Kyunghoon kisses his mother goodbye at the door. She looks at him with sorry eyes. 

  "My son. Are you going to be okay alone tonight?" she asks, voice laced with worry.

  Kyunghoon nods and holds her hands in his comfortingly. "I'll be fine," he reassures. "Don't worry about me. Worry about Mr. Choi. Tell him Happy New Year for me, yes?" 

  His mother is still uneasy with the thought of leaving her son home alone on such a day that they spend together, always together.

   It's been the two of them for a while, finding their way around the life they've found themselves in such a short amount of years. Things they couldn't control. Things that continue to make them sick at the thought of them.

   Holidays are their safer days, when they need each other the most. Winter is the hardest season to go through alone. The last thing Kyunghoon's mother needs at the moment is for her son to be alone. However, she trusts herself in his confidence because he has never sounded so sure in himself in quite some time. 

   "Okay," she says. "But you must call me. Understand?" 

   Kyunghoon smiles warmly. "Yes, mom." 

   His mother detaches their linked hands and hugs her son tight. He laughs when he almost falls over. How such a small woman can topel him over is beyond him. 

   "I love you." she says.

   Kyunghoon tightens his jaw. He hugs her back. "I love you too." 

   They stand at the door like this for a while longer before Kyunghoon beckons his mom out.

   "You can't be late!" he nags. She shakes her head but eventually is outside. She blows him a kiss from afar before making it beyond the gate.

    When Kyunghoon closes the door, the lights of the entire room go out. 

    Kyunghoon stands frozen for a second, his hand still on the doorknob. He opens and closes his eyes, just to make sure he wasn't just seeing the inside of his eyelids in that moment. He walks to the center of the room and looks up at the light on the ceiling. Was the bulb burnt out?

   He makes his way to his room, careful not to bump into any walls or corners, and sees that his room's lamp is out as well. Not long ago, he left it on. He sighs. 

   "Oh well," he mutters before wrapping himself up in a ball with his blanket, curling up against the wall on his bed.

   It's suddenly so cold. 

--

   "Heechul, when is the food getting here?" Hyukjae yells. Kyuhyun nudges him, slapping a hand over his ear. Hyukjae nudges him back. 

   "Not long?" Heechul yells back from the bathroom. "That may be a lie. Delivery services are probably really busy tonight, so just be patient."

   Hyukjae lets out an exasperated groan and falls onto the floor on his back, legs spread apart. "I'm so hungry!" he hollers, kicking in the air. "I wanna drink!" 

   "Shut up!" everyone in the room says at the same time. They all turned their heads from the T.V. screen, playing video games, just to yell at Hyukjae. Youngwoon threw a pillow at him. 

   "Drink if you want to so badly," Jongwoon sneers. "Donghae already started." 

   Hyukjae lifts only his head up to the couch where Donghae is sitting with Ryeowook, who is squinting at him.

   Donghae peels the banana and says, "May I take your jacket? Haha." 

   Kyuhyun turns to him. "Do you think people can't hear you?"

   He turns back to Hyukjae, pointing at the weird guy giggling alone with a banana. "Better catch up to him," he says. 

  "Please, he's way gone and only had half a glass of that wine Siwon brought," Hyukjae laughs. "It'll take me a long while to get to...wherever he is." 

   Heechul emerges from the hall with a towel on his head, his hair a little damp. "He'd still be saying stuff like that sober." he remarks.

   Everyone laughs and Donghae laughs, not knowing they're laughing at him. He doesn't care. He takes his half-empty wine glass and lifts it up in the air, making Siwon suddenly very cautious. 

  "Hey! Kyuhyun!" Donghae calls, as if Kyuhyun is on a mountain. "Let's drink 'till we die tonight, yeah?" 

  The whole room erupts into laughter and Kyuhyun droops his shoulders, smiling wide. He puts his hands to his mouth, like he's calling back to Donghae from the top of the hypothetical mountain.

   "Looks like you're already dead, bro!" 

   The two stand up and hop to one another, one clearly more stable than the other. They're dancing together, or what could be seen as dancing. Everyone is either singing a nonexistent tune and clapping along or yelling for quiet. Heechul is laughing at the chaos when his phone lights up on the table, but he doesn't notice. 

   The food eventually gets to the house. There's pizza, black bean noodles, McDonald's, tangsuyuk, and whatever else came from the door that wasn't kept track of. It was honestly too much food, but not enough for as many hungry boys as there were. There's a ceremony of laying Siwon's blackcard to rest, though no one was actually that sad, not even Siwon. 

   "Are you sure you're okay with this? Even your father?" Jungsoo asked him, worried out of his mind at the sight of the food not leaving a single corner of the table uncovered. 

   Siwon waves him off. "He doesn't care, I already called him about it. I just wanna treat my friends, you know?" 

   Donghae wraps his arms around Siwon's neck, tugging him down a little too close to the ground. "Thank you, Siwon! Thank you for being a chaebol son! Thank you!!" 

   This is an invitation to suffocate Siwon in hugs, knocking him to the ground. He's wriggling around but not actually wanting to be let go. When everyone releases him and starts eating, the soju appears.

   The night of New Years Eve has begun. Trails of conversations are heard throughout, and they're all weird. All of them. 

   "Ryeowook gave me a 'get better soon' card one time." Siwon recalled. 

   Kyuhyun nods along with a cup to his lips and Ryeowook's head on his shoulder. "Aw, that was nice of him. Usually he just texts." 

  Siwon shook his head. "No, I wasn't sick. He just thought I could do better." 

  At this, Ryeowook laughs out loud. "I do! I do think that." he cheers. 

  Shindong looks at the two of them. "Do better? Better at what?" 

  "Better at not being a total asshole," Ryeowook spits. Siwon points at him. 

  "Ryeowook's got a point." 

  "Don't agree with me it makes me uncomfortable." 

   Everyone laughs at this and when it calms down, Ryeowook speaks again, more sincerely. He looks at Siwon.

   "Look. I wanna...you know, apologize for all that stuff I said. I actually like having you around." 

    Siwon scoffs. "Lies." 

   Ryeowook sighs. "You're right. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your forehead and I don't think I'll ever stop." 

   At another moment, somehow Donghae and Jungsoo were arguing about Romeo and Juliet, because Donghae read it recently  without being assigned to and needs everyone to know it. 

   "It's a beautiful story about true love!" he says, slightly slurring his words. 

  Jungsoo pinches the bridge of his nose. "No, it's literally a tragedy about how young love is short-sighted and dumb and stupid." 

  Without looking up from his noodles, Hyukjae blurts, "Mercutio is gay," and continues eating. 

  Siwon turns to Kyuhyun, who looks pretty normal compared to the other animals in the room. "Are you sober?"

  "No, aquarius." 

  "Okay." 

  Jongwoon suddenly starts yelling lyrics out with Kibum, empty soju bottles with spoons inside in both of their hands. Donghae tries to go along with them. 

  "WAKE ME UP!" 

  "Before you go-go--" 

  "CAN'T WAKE UP!" 

  "Before you go-go--" 

  "SAVE ME!!" 

  Donghae looks at Hankyung, who shrugs, and turns back at them. "Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo?" 

  Jongwoon and Kibum stare at him as if he did something egregious. Donghae looks back at everyone else in the room. "Is that not the song?" 

  --

   This is just a taste of how the night plays out. It's the tip of the iceberg. 

   For any normal person, it'd be more than difficult to keep up with, but no one in the room isn't not-normal. It makes Heechul wish for a normal person in the room to witness it all, see it from their perspective. It makes him think of the one single normality in his life. The thought of it makes him take his phone out for the first time since the night started, and his heart jumps at his screen. 

   Three missed calls from Kyunghoon. 

   Heechul springs up from the floor and makes a run for it to the bathroom. He hasn't called anyone back so fast, ever. He shuts the door behind him and sticks his phone to his ear, counting the rings resonating through his brain. It's five when the other line is picked up.

  "Kyunghoon?" he says. 

  "Heechul…" Kyunghoon says back. His voice is low and has a tone that Heechul can't process in his state. He's dizzy. 

  "Hey, sorry I missed your calls. What's up?" Heechul's heart rate picks up.  

  "It's cold. Really cold." 

  Time is slowing down around him as the words meet him. The voice on the other line alone is sobering him up. "Are you alone?" 

  "Mmhm." 

  "Do you want me to come over? Do you wanna come here?" 

  A pause. "I think if you came over...That'd be nice." 

  "Okay. Just wait." 

  "Be quick, please. It's dark." 

  "I will." 

  Heechul hangs up and lets the conversation soak into his mind. The way Kyunghoon told him 'please' as if Heechul would ever say no to him...It hurt his chest. There's no time to waste, he said he'd be quick. He opens the door and is blocked by all of the boys waiting outside, inches away. 

  "You have to go?" Kyuhyun asks sadly. 

  "It's Kyunghoon." Heechul says, and everyone moves out of his way. Jungsoo appears from the corner. 

  "Do you need a ride?" he asks. He's the only sober one of the group since he doesn't drink, so Heechul nods right away. 

  "Siwon, I'm taking your car," Jungsoo says swiping the keys from the kitchen counter. Siwon can't get a word in before the two boys are out the door. 

Chapter Text

   7-3-8-3-6-2. That was the security code to Kyunghoon's house. Heechul recited it over and over after Kyunghoon texted only those numbers shortly after he left with Jungsoo. 

   Not yet sober, not even close, he tripped when he fell into the passenger's seat of the car. Jungsoo scolded him, saying they'd be stripped of any savings under their name if Siwon found a single scratch on the door before slamming it in Heechul's face.

   After, rather shakily, inputting Kyunghoon's address into his GPS app, the ride that followed was mostly silent. It was when they pulled into the neighborhood Jungsoo started talking. 

   "You're still drunk," he said bluntly. There was a bite to it and it made Heechul stir a certain annoyance in him from the sound of it. 

   "Yeah, well, I'm still a functioning human. I'm not some blackout, Jungsoo. You know that."

   Heechul looked at the other boy's face, who's eyes were trained in front of him. He didn't spare Heechul a single glance when he spoke. 

   "I'm saying that because you're not going to have complete control over yourself as you would if sober. Just watch yourself, okay?" Jungsoo kept his voice neutral but enough to get his point across. 

  "You don't even know why I'm here," Heechul said. "Don't go imagining shit." 

  "Well, why are you here then? Mind telling me?" Jungsoo asked. He has slowed down his driving as they got closer and closer to their destination. Heechul shifted in his seat and looked out the window. 

  "He called me. Three times. I didn't see a single one. He said he's alone and wanted me to come over. No reason to say no." he said simply.

   He tries to push back Kyunghoon's voice from the phone call in his head. In the moment, he couldn't comprehend a single bit of it, no thanks to the alcohol. Now he could recognize at least half of it: desperation. It made his insides uncoil and curl up in themselves. 

   "You're at every beck and call without fail," Jungsoo muses out loud, a hint of satisfaction in his tone. "You sure you're not ready to admit anything? Mr. Never-Been-Rejected?" 

   "Shut your mouth." 

   "I didn't say anything." 

   Jungsoo took the car into a full stop a few feet away from the gate of Kyunghoon's house. He peered at the persimmon tree and smiled fondly. "I see the fruits will grow soon." he said to himself. 

   Heechul undid his seatbelt but caught Jungsoo's words before his hand could touch the handle. "What?" 

  Jungsoo leaned back into the driver's seat and tapped his fingers on the wheel in thought.

   "He planted that with his dad. In middle school, he bragged about it to the teacher all of the time, talking about how juicy the fruits were going to be by the time the tree would fully grow." He looked at Heechul. "Don't think I'm some stalker. We went to the same middle school. Quite the athlete and smart-talker if you ask me. Perfect for you." 

   Heechul has reached his limit in Jungsoo's teasing. He opened the door and stepped out without saying goodbye. When it was clear that Heechul was on his own now, Jungsoo pulled out and drove away. 

  The lights in the house were all out. Usually, a yellow glow would be luminiating from the inside, indicating Kyunghoon's mom was present. However, it was pitch black. 

    Be quick, please. It's dark.  

  Heechul suddenly felt limp. Whether it was the combined wine and soju in his system making him dizzy or the realization hitting him like a truck, he went with the latter. Snapping himself out of his own thoughts, he rushed past the gate and down the walkway to the front door.

   He's never been to Kyunghoon's house, only made it as far as the little gate guarding it. He's never been invited, which he doesn't mind, as Kyunghoon has always come over to Heechul's. Something stirs inside him at the thought that his first time stepping into his house could count as a break-in. Still, he punches the six-digit code in and opens the door. 

   A sensor light would usually turn on at this instant, Heechul thinks. It doesn't. Nothing lights up. He can't see anything. Goosebumps run all over him when a chill courses through. He closes the door behind him thinking it's a breeze from outside, but he realizes it's the house itself.

   It's a cave enveloped in absolute darkness. Heechul is sick to his stomach knowing Kyunghoon is alone in this. It's desolate. 

   "Kyunghoon?" Heechul calls, hesitation holding back his volume. He doesn't get a response. He starts walking forward in the black. "Kyunghoon? It's Heechul. I let myself in, I hope you don't mind." 

  He fishes his phone out of his pocket as he tiptoes through the fog of nothing. Once he turns on the flashlight function, he's able to take in the entirety of the house. He finds himself in the middle of the living room, about to enter the kitchen.

   It's a quaint abode. A T.V. setup sits near the long, leather sofa. Amongst the VHS tapes lined up on the shelves of the stand, small picture frames stand neatly. Heechul moves closer to them; a family portrait of four, two little boys at a beach, a wedding portrait, and a man in his late thirties with a round face and kind eyes. A shiver trickles down Heechul's spine and it's not from the abnormal coldness of the house. His task at hand dawns on him and he stands up straighter, using his flashlight to scan his surroundings. 

   The light lands on the only opening to a hallway. He carefully makes his way over but with quick steps. The further down he goes, he sees only one door that is opened. At the sight of it, Heechul speeds his way to it and sticks his head inside, turning off his flashlight. 

   "Kyunghoon?" 

   Indeed, it's him. He's wrapped up in a fluffy comforter and the outline of his balled-up body could be made out from the moonlight seeping from the blinds. The top of his head peeking out on one end of the pod moves up, and half of Kyunghoon's face appears. The blanket makes a window for only his heavy eyelids to look up at Heechul. 

   "Kyunghoon…" 

   "You came?" 

   Heechul kneels down at the edge of the bed, as if Kyunghoon's hushed voice made him collapse. Perhaps it did. "Of course I did." he says. 

   He observes Kyunghoon further now that he's much closer to him. He reaches out to the blanket and pulls it down gently to see his face more. It's swiftly brought back up again by Kyunghoon, but he catches the trembling bottom lip. 

   "You okay?" Heechul asks. "What's wrong with all of the lights? Not to mention the heating. It's freezing." 

  "I don't know," Kyunghoon says. "The power went out...Not sure why." 

     It's cold. Really cold.  

   A pang of what can only be characterized as sadness washes over Heechul. He's gravitating closer and closer to the other boy. He wants nothing more than to hold him close, make sure he's warm.

   It takes a moment for his mind to catch up to his hand reaching for Kyunghoon's cheek. It's soft and feels like ice under his fingers, like an electrocution. It's also a bit wet; he'd been crying.

    When Kyunghoon doesn't move away, Heechul allows his palm to rest on the side of his face. He hopes maybe he can maybe warm up his face a bit even though it's not effective at all. 

   "Are you drunk?" Kyunghoon suddenly asks. Heechul opens his mouth but no words come out. Kyunghoon rubs his nose. "Because I can smell it. The soju." 

   Oh. "Don't worry, I've sobered up on the way here. Is that...weird for you?" 

   "No." 

   They're silent after that. Heechul starts to move his hand away, but Kyunghoon stops him. If Heechul's senses weren't so numb at the moment he would've flinched at the cold hand around his wrist, but he didn't. Instead, he let Kyunghoon put his hand back on where it originally was resting.

   "Why did you call me, Kyunghoon?"

   The boy doesn't move. "Because you're right." 

    "About what?" 

    "I'm lonely." 

    Heechul thinks he's about to burst into tears. 

    "I'm lonely and it's dark and I'm so, so cold."

    Kyunghoon lets Heechul stare at him for a while longer. Heechul's hand is stiff, not neatly cupped to his cheek like before. He recoils and lets it fall to the mattress between them. 

    "You're shaking," Heechul says. Kyunghoon adverts his gaze. 

     Of course Heechul was lying when he said he was sober. He felt awful to say it but he didn't want Kyunghoon to feel uncomfortable, especially when he's currently so fragile.

     He sees him shake under the covers and can't take it anymore. 

    "Kyunghoon?" 

    No reply. 

    "Kyunghoon, can I hold you?" 

    A trembling hand moves the blanket. It's slow, it's hesitant, but it opens up. Before any of the cold air from the outside of the blanket enters and blows Kyunghoon away into nothing, Heechul lies down next to him.

   He covers both of them with the blanket over their heads and now their bodies are inches from one another. Heechul now can see that he's wearing only a sweatshirt and sweatpants, no layers like usual. He can barely make out Kyunghoon's face, but he can still see it. The tiny tip of his nose, his round eyes, his soft lips. He's staring at Heechul too. He wishes he could read his expression. Even if he were fully lit and visible, Heechul wouldn't be able to read it. 

    Breaths are hitched, but eventually become slow and steady. Arms wrap around Kyunghoon's body, tucking him into Heechul's chest. His chin rests on top of the boy's head. Kyunghoon's arms kind of dangle at his sides. His heart is a rapid, nervous organ inside his chest, thumping against Heechul. He lets himself stroke Kyunghoon's head, his fingers gently coursing through his soft hair. He moves as though to say, You don't have to do anything. 

    They're awkward and warm and it's perfect. 

    Kyunghoon moves his head slightly so that his face is against Heechul's chest, and Heechul thinks he can hear all the ruckus happening in there. If he can, he doesn't mention it. He doesn't say a word.

   Heechul feels an arm wrap around his waist and another sneak around the other side, hands meeting clasped on the small of his back. Now they're holding each other, securely. Kyunghoon exhales through his nose, as if this was the release of something he had been holding in for ages. Maybe it is. 

    "Is this okay?" Heechul asked softly. He continues to run his fingers through Kyunghoon's hair when he feels a nod against him. 

    They stay like this for a while. Time does not exist and it doesn't matter at all. It's a different world under this blanket; their world. Nothing can get in to hurt them. No fears, no anxieties, no painful memories. Kyunghoon likes this world, but it's not reality. 

    "This is my first New Year's alone." Kyunghoon whispers. "I've always spent it with my mom. It's always just been us. After my dad, we've only had each other. She had to work tonight, though. She's an in-home nurse. I felt fine when she left, but then the power went out and the heating stopped. Suddenly, I felt like the last person on Earth. It's so easy for me to get that way. 

    "In middle school, there was a recreational program at the school during winter time. When I came home with my mom that day, my dad...you know...We were preparing for our New Year's Eve dinner. He didn't come. I hate New Year's." 

    Kyunghoon's voice became a watery croak as he spoke. Welling up in tears he refuses to let escape and pressing his face to Heechul's chest, he can only tighten his hold around the boy's waist. 

    "The more I learn about you, the more I worry about you." Heechul says. 

    "I gave you a chance to escape so that you wouldn't have to do that." Kyunghoon whispers.

    Heechul just smiles. "Hey. You know when this winter break ends, it's gonna be our last year of high school?" 

    Kyunghoon nods. 

    "What are your plans?" Heechul asks. "No pressure, if you're not sure." 

    "Just wanna see the day I graduate. I'm focusing on that." 

    Heechul's hand on Kyunghoon's head stops moving. 

    "There was a time I didn't think I'd see that day. It's closer than I think now. That's my plan, to graduate." 

    Heechul is silent for a moment, thinking. Then asks, "When we graduate, we're still gonna be friends, right?" 

    Right. Friends. 

   "I think we're always going to be together, Heechul." 

     Suddenly, Heechul moves down so that he's eye to eye with Kyunghoon. Their noses are almost touching, and warmth is turning into heat.

     Heechul and Kyunghoon have only made promises to each other twice. The first time: for Kyunghoon to promise that he would show up for that special Saturday karaoke. The second time: now. Heechul sticks his pinkie up in the small gap between him and Kyunghoon. He locks eyes with him steadfastly. 

    "Kyunghoon," he says. "Let's promise one thing. It's really important, so we don't lose each other." 

    Kyunghoon sticks his own pinkie up. 

    "Let's promise not to hurt each other." 

    Kyunghoon frowns. "I can't agree to promises I can't keep. I've hurt you before, what makes you think I won't do it again?" 

    This time, it's Heechul that frowns. "You have never hurt me. Don't say that." 

    Kyunghoon isn't convinced. Heechul shakes his head. 

    "We're rocky, a little imperfect, and that's okay. That's how all things start. But we will never, ever, intentionally try to hurt one another. Right?"

     Kyunghoon stares at him. "Then if it's an accident, can we promise for forgiveness?" 

     "Of course." 

     "It's a promise." 

     The two lock pinkies. There's an incredible enormity to it, like the universe has sealed a contract between them, and neither of them are big enough in space to understand it. Maybe a small gesture is enough for them to understand. 

      "Hey, um...Are you warm enough?" Heechul sheepishly asks. 

      Kyunghoon contemplates for a moment. "No. I don't think so." 

      "Okay." 

      Heechul rolls onto his back and wraps one arm around Kyunghoon's waist, another securely around his shoulders. Kyunghoon readjusts himself and lets his head rest on Heechul's shoulder. He curls up beside him and keeps his hands close to himself, nestled between his own chest and Heechul's. 

      Their breathing line up and they listen to each other for a while without saying anything. Chests rising and dipping in perfect time. Kyunghoon looks up to see Heechul's eyes are closed, asleep. 

      I think we're going to be together for a long time, Heechul.  

    Kyunghoon doesn't lie. It's not his thing, he has no reason to. But that time, when Heechul was asking for reassurance in their...friendship, he couldn't help but lie. He lied to Heechul and to himself. As selfish as it sounds, maybe he was really trying to comfort himself because he knows the truth. The inevitable.

   Even as he now lies on his own bed with Heechul right next to him, with their touching feet and arms around each other as surreal as it is, life will keep moving with or without Heechul in it. It didn't stop when an entire universe, his father, died, and shut him out of opportunities had he lived just a year longer. It will not stop when Heechul eventually must walk out of his life in a year's time. 

    He is Kyunghoon's entire universe. Kyunghoon is but a small part in Heechul's. So, the world will keep turning. 

    When he's sure Heechul is asleep, Kyunghoon says, just a breath of a whisper, "Happy New Year." 

     Hesitation. Fear. "I love you, Heechul." 

Chapter Text

    "Is Kyunghoon gonna be okay?" 

    "Leave him alone, son. I don't want you getting sick too. Go to your room." 

    Kyunghoon heard his brother pad out of the room, followed by his mother. His head felt like it weighed ten tons, so he couldn't lift up to see them leave. He could only stare at the ceiling. 

   Sweat had dampened his pillow for a long time by now. Every now and then, his mother had come in to change the hot towel on his forehead or help him eat porridge. His brother, despite the nagging of their mother to stay away, would stand at the door and ask him questions about his fever from afar, only getting mm's and sighs as answers. He'd jump every time Kyunghoon coughed. 

   The only question Kyunghoon asked, even if it hurt his throat, was, "Where's dad?" 

   His brother looked down at his feet. "Not home yet. The sun only just went down." He looked back up.

   "Oh." 

   His brother was leaning against the door frame with his hands behind his back. After a moment, he looked behind him down the hall for his mother. When it was clear she was busy with the dishes, he entered the bedroom and swiftly closed the door behind him, running to Kyunghoon's side. 

  "What are you doing?" Kyunghoon whispered, because talking with a full voice had already proved to be very painful. 

  "Scoot over," his brother said. "Let me lie down too." 

  Despite Kyunghoon's protests, he eventually let his brother climb under the covers with him. They lied side-by-side on the twin bed, sardines in a can. After a moment, his brother shifted next to him.

   "There's so many layers," he commented. "It's too hot." 

   "'Cause I'm sick, dummy." 

  "Hey. Don't call your older brother a dummy."

  "Sorry."  

  There was nothing to do, lying there on their backs under the blankets. They pretended they were hiding from closet monsters for a while, challenging the other as to who could be stiller. Raindrops pitter-pattering on the window was the only sound that could be heard beyond their hushed tones. 

   Suddenly Kyunghoon felt like a weight was being pushed down into his chest. 

  "Hey," he gasped, "I can't breathe." 

  At this, his brother ripped the covers off the both of them with a start. "What do you mean?" he asked. He held his little brother's face, which was sticky with sweat. He took his hands back when Kyunghoon erupted in a coughing fit.

  The rain was falling harder. Neither of them heard the front door of their house close, not until their father swung the bedroom door open. 

   "Dad?" Kyunghoon's brother said. 

  "Go to mom," his father commanded, without a hello. Kyunghoon watched his brother nod and jump off the bed, running out the door. 

    Kyunghoon felt the layers of blankets fall on top of him once again. He met eyes with his father, who was standing over him. The room was dark, but he could make out the frown and creases on his face. 

   His father said nothing for a while. He wiped his son's sweaty face with the towel that was on his head. He brushed his bangs away from his eyes. He brought his blanket up to his chin. But he said nothing. 

   Kyunghoon sniffed. "Dad." 

  "Hm?" 

  "I don't wanna be sick anymore. I hate it." 

  "I know." 

  "I feel like I'm dying." 

  His father exhaled through his nose at this. He took his son's clammy hand in his, rubbing his thumb in a circle on it.

  Firmly, but lovingly, "Steady, Kyunghoon," he had said. "Steady." 

-- 

     Heechul's eyelids seem to stick together when he tries to open them. His head is pounding and even though he's awake, he still feels asleep. 

    Birds would be faintly heard, but he concludes he's in a dream when his eyes manage to finally open and Kyunghoon is inches away from his face. A blanket covers the entirety of the both of them, over their heads, blocking the sun. Heechul's arm is extended out, resting under the other boy's head. 

     Am I dreaming...of him? Again? he thinks. Is it 'cause I drank last night? Fuck, my head hurts. 

   Heechul stares at Kyunghoon for a moment more. He savors the sight, this imagined sight, of him looking so peaceful, the sound of his soft breathing. 

    He looks so real. 

   Heechul tests his theory. A light blow from his lips wouldn't do anything, would it? He tries. 

   Kyunghoon's eyes slowly flutter open, his vision visibly adjusting its focus. They're looking at each other now. 

    Woah. His eyes opened. They look more real than usual. How does he look so real? Like I could touch him and I'd feel it…

   Heechul reaches out. He extends his index finger and pokes at Kyunghoon's cheek, who makes a small whine in response. 

   "This is a dream." Heechul says quietly. 

   "I don't think it's a dream." Kyunghoon says back. 

   "Yes it is. Why would you be here if it wasn't?" 

   Kyunghoon squints. "Because this is my house." 

   "No, it's my house." 

   "We're in my room." 

  Heechul blinks. "What?"

   He peeks over the blanket above his head. This is definitely not his room. Not in the slightest. There should be another bed on the other side, the room is way smaller, there's curtains in his room not blinds, Jungsoo's sneakers aren't perched on the dresser…

   He's in Kyunghoon's house. 

   "AHH!" Heechul yells, springing off the bed like it was on fire, as if his arm wasn't just snugly tucked under Kyunghoon's head.

  "Hey, I think I drank a lot last night, I don't even know how I got here! Hey, did I break through your window or something? Why'd you let me be so crazy--" 

  "I called you over." 

  Heechul freezes. 

  Kyunghoon sits up. His hair is frizzled from bed head and Heechul is having some thoughts.

  "I called you. You don't remember?" 

  Heechul is unable to open his mouth. Kyunghoon tilts his head. "I thought you said you weren't drunk last night?" 

   Cold, Heechul recalls, Cold, alone, please come quickly. 

   "Oh," he says. "No, I remember. I remember now." 

   A silence falls, as well as a chill that makes Heechul shudder. 

  "It's still really cold," he comments. "Will you be alright?" 

   Kyunghoon shrugs. "My mom will be home soon, so I think--"

   "OH, YOUR MOM!" Heechul yells again. "Shit, I gotta go home before she gets here." 

   Kyunghoon laughs. "Okay." 

   Heechul stumbles with his shoes, that he does not remember taking off, and opening the door at the same time. Once he's somewhat balanced, he takes another look at Kyunghoon, who watches him from his bed in amusement. 

   Memories from the night before rush through him at an overwhelming speed he wasn't ready for. Taking the boy in his arms, holding him, letting him make his shirt soggy with tears. 

   Hearing three words he is sure was a dream. 

   Kyunghoon waves his hand and smiles, deep dimples and all. Heechul smiles back. 

   When Heechul steps outside and closes the gate behind him, he's still running laps of memories through his hazy head. Not a moment goes forgotten. They're moments and sequences he'll keep locked away for him and himself only. He's allowing selfishness. His warmth. 

  "Can we promise for forgiveness?" 

  "Of course." 

  "It's a promise." 

   Heechul looks down at his hand, then his pinkie. 

   He made a promise. He's going to do everything he can to never break it. 

--

    Months and seasons have passed, the school year has started.

   It's already been a year since Heechul spoke to him first. How mocking and almost comedic that time moves so much faster for Kyunghoon to lose good things he's less than willing to let go.

   Heechul has moved from sitting in front of Kyunghoon to right next to him. 

    Kyunghoon knows Heechul is trying his best to warm his winters. But his winters will always be cold, lonely, odd, a pit he won't escape. One person will not fill in that void. He doesn't need to, though. Because he's his red leaves in autumn, his cherry blossoms in spring, his thunderstorms in summer. He's the good weather, the best weather, the bad weather, the worst weather. When it's just in the middle, just right. Every moment counts because every moment is him. 

   It's still weird, almost unreal, that Heechul goes up to talk to him every day. How he smiles so wide that his gums show.

   Kyunghoon loves all of him. His impossibilities, his exasperations, his conviction towards everything. How gentle he is when they're alone and how kind he can be in their quiet moments tucked away for only them to remember. How he never hesitates to defend him. 

    Their hands clasped together under their desks is their home built for two. 

     He wants to say it with great bravery. He wants to say, I don't think I'm capable of love or being loved, but when I look at you my vision brightens and my sadness dims, all the stars come out of hiding at once. I can't think of anything else but I love you, and then I realize I am.

   It hits him with a painful force, the reminder. Of how much he loves him. 

    What if I just love you? he wonders. What if I love you but never touch you first, or talk about it at all? What would happen then?

     Nothing. Nothing will happen, but he doesn't need anything to happen. He doesn't need Heechul to do anything. 

   He'll just photograph him in the light towards the sun with the camera he was given on that past Christmas, before either of them realizes such unspoken truths. He'll let the rose-colored skies envelope him completely so he disappears and the warmth can never leave him, ever.

    And then winter comes again. 

Chapter Text

    Heechul doesn't live his life with many complications. If anything, it's a hassle. Dealing with counting past ten or even five is too much on the brain, if you will. But after that New Year's night at Kyunghoon's house on his bed, suddenly he's counting all the way past a million. It's new and, more than anything, confusing. 

   How the hell did he get here? 

   Somehow it's easy though. Kyunghoon makes it easy, counting so high the blooming in his chest seems more like a new heart flowering inside him than digging into his ribcage. 

   Autumn makes him think of the first time they met last year. He believes it's the best decision he ever made in his life, standing up for Kyunghoon in the face of his own friends, his brothers. A person he didn't even know. A person he has never met. It's strange it has only been a year since they met when it feels like centuries. 

  Heechul genuinely believes Kyunghoon has made him a better person. He didn't realize how he had acted before was so ludacris, so extreme most of the time. He's more aware of how he comes across to others. Maybe he wasn't even a person before, but just one boy was capable of making him…

   How should he say it?

    Whole.  

   When they raced off to their cafe after school holding hands, it was as if they went back in time, but in a way that would be spent in a much warmer light. Where Heechul wasn't walking on eggshells around him, and Kyunghoon could laugh without trying to hide it with the back of his hand. 

   They don't talk about that night. What happened and how they feel about it is gone unspoken. Something hidden is beginning to unravel in Heechul when he remembers. He decides it's a newly created something, but he knows it's been in the shadows for a while now. It's just been waiting for the right moment to reveal itself. 

   Still, they sip on their lattes. They stare at the clouds together. They let their knees touch under the table. They squeeze each other's hands before tests. They take instant photos of one another. They laugh when the women selling spicy rice cakes by their school comments on their attractive appearances. They write secret messages on the corners of the other's notebook during lectures. They kick stones on the sidewalk, talking about nothing in particular. They won't talk at all.

   Maybe it doesn't have to be complicated. Maybe Heechul can still just count up to three and be okay. 

--

   There are times the two boys are in the house alone. A sixteen year old, who's cooking extents are limited to using the microwave and boiling water, making dinner for his eleven year old brother. 

  "Where's mom?" 

  "Work." 

  "Oh. Where's--" 

  "Just shut up and sit." 

  So Kyunghoon does. They begin to eat their instant ramen silently, sitting on opposite ends of the table. A few minutes pass before his brother speaks up. 

  "You're going with me and dad on Sunday, right?" he asks. His tone makes it sound less like a question but rather telling. Kyunghoon's hand sitting on his lap balls into a fist.

  "I don't...I'm not going." 

 "Son of a-- 'hell do you mean you're not? Are you joking?" 

  Kyunghoon stops eating. He looks at his brother, staring him down as he sips from his water. He gulps. 

   "No."

   His brother sets his chopsticks down with an exasperated clatter. "You're going to have to go, Kyunghoon. God, you really live in a different world don't you? This could mean the rest of our lives, our futures, and you don't want to go because…?"

  "I need to know what's going to happen," Kyunghoon says. "I don't wanna go to the capital with you--I wanna stay here, with Mom--"

  "Jesus," his brother says, slamming his hand on the table. "Are you hearing yourself right now? Talking?" Disgusted, he looks at Kyunghoon. "This...Your behavior, it's disturbing. And unhealthy. Never known a grown boy so obsessed with his mother." 

  Heat crawls up Kyunghoon's neck. He hates him for it, for making him hate himself as he says quietly, "I'm not obsessed with her...Mom..." 

  His brother stands up loudly with his dishes. He shakes his head. "This is why dad asked me first. This is why he always asks me first. You're pathetic." 

--

  Kyunghoon remembered that night, staring at his bedroom ceiling with a stiffened jaw. He hugged his pillow tighter pretending it was someone else. And then he dreamed. 

   He dreamed he had woken up in another's arms. 

   He's careful not to wake the boy who has enfolded him. His black curls cover his eyes. The slow beat of his heart is pressed on his back. He says something but it's a dream so whatever it is turns to be murky, but said so sweetly. Instead of getting up, the boy curls into Kyunghoon and kisses his bare shoulder. The air in which Kyunghoon rises into is soft; the warmth between two people can turn the room just as tender, time is tender. As Kyunghoon carefully slips out and into an oversized t-shirt everything around him is set at a degree that can only be described as pure happiness. The boy in bed, dressed in nothing but a sweater and his underwear, gets out and stops to kiss Kyunghoon, his hands moving under his shirt. Kyunghoon doesn't resist. He falls into it, kisses him a little longer-- 

  And Kyunghoon woke himself up with a gasp, covered in sweat. 

  "Kyunghoon? Honey, you okay?" 

  His room is dark and someone is moving around in the shadows. He's lying on his bed on top of his sheets, facing the doorway, where the yellow light from the hall seeps in.

  His mother makes her way to her son and cradles his cheek with her hand. He sighs at the gesture, familiar and soothing like her presence. 

   "What are you thinking about, my son?" she murmurs. Kyunghoon chews the inside of his cheek and doesn't answer. She breathes out through her nose and stands. "If you don't want to talk about it--" 

   Kyunghoon takes a hold of her arm. He's curled up and his ribs feel like they've shrunk three sizes. "Just...stay here for a little bit. Please?" 

   His mother doesn't ask any questions, for once, and sits on the bed beside him. He moves his head to her lap and she gently rubs his shoulder. This was his comfort position when he was much younger, during a much bleaker time in his life. When the only person he needed in the entire world was his mother and no one else. At the very least, he has her. 

   "Whatever it may be, it's not the end of the world."  

   He shakes his head. "Not yet." 

   She leans closer. "There was a moment I thought the same. I know you, hm? You'll be alright. We're going to be alright." 

   Kyunghoon closes his eyes. "I think...I love someone. I'm scared." 

  "Oh?"

  "I don't know, Mom. It feels...wrong. And if it's wrong I don't want anything to do with it." 

  "Sincere love is never wrong." 

  "You'd be disappointed in me. Dad...I think he'd hate me." 

  His mother stops her hand. "Kyunghoon." 

  Kyunghoon slowly sits up. His eyes avoid her, but she holds his face, forcing him to look at her.

  "Believe it or not, your father knew the sun rose and set for you...and your brother. We knew you would grow up to be a good person, a great person. We made sure your name reflected that. You know that, right?" 

   Kyunghoon nodded with a small smile and repeated the silly meaning to himself. "A shining contribution." 

   "There wasn't a single moment we were disappointed in you. Your father never hated you." She paused. "It's not in anyone's control as to who you love. If loving this person will make you happy, whoever it is, you do not need our permission."

   Tears threaten to fall and he blinks them away. This is the closest to a confession he will have in the meanwhile. Even so, he feels like ten tons of weight has been lifted from his chest.

   "I'm sorry, Mom."

   His mother pulls him close, in the way that makes his arms fall to his side. The way she would hold him when he was younger and his shoulders were smaller, when days were told by his mother's kisses and his brother's giggles. 

   "In this world, you do what makes you happy, honey. If we should do anything at all, it's that."

    Kyunghoon wipes his eyes with one hand but his smile comes easily to him. "Thank you." 

    "Don't forget. It's going to be alright, my star."  

Chapter Text

    It's a Saturday afternoon and they're sitting at the bench in front of the playground. The bench where Kyunghoon let Heechul unlock the watch on his wrist and flooded him with the worst memories of his entire life.

    Kyunghoon doesn't associate the bench with the day, or at least he tries his very best to. He replaces it with other days they've sat there after that, when the weather had turned warmer and the sun shone a little brighter. Where they shared earbuds and music, laughing over whatever had hurt them before. It doesn't twist at his chest as hard like it did back then, not leaving any marks. Now, they can sit on this bench remembering giggles in recent memory. Not everything has to be sad. Happiness is allowed.

    Trees that were abundant in red leaves a week ago were starting to shrivel with the weather becoming chillier. Heechul measures Kyunghoon's emotions and mentality by the weather, so lately he has been sitting closer to him than usual. Just in case. 

   Today, he brought his design sketchbook to the park with him. Kyunghoon had seen it a million times, but he knows there's always something new inside each time he sees it. 

    "Is this a new one?" Kyunghoon asked, pointing at the page that was opened to him. Heechul smiled and nodded, allowing him to further flip through the sketchbook. The boy did so with glee. 

   Kyunghoon observed every design in every page for all of their details in awe. He remembered Heechul's drawings of him in the back of his mind, bracing himself for another, but quickly shook it off. 

   His best friend is so talented, he thinks. Is there anything he can't do? 

   "Do you like them?" Heechul peered at him. "I saw these off-the-shoulder balloon sleeve designs from that one designer, Alexander Mcqueen, and got obsessed with them. There was some sort of, how would you say it, medieval vibe to it. Some had gold beadings and others had these white crocheted patterns with pearls intertwined with them. I wish I had pictures on my phone but they really inspired me. They're so cool."

   Kyunghoon looked up from the sketchbook and at Heechul. Then he laughed. 

   "Hey!" Heechul frowned. "I'm being serious!"

   "I know you are." 

   Heechul crossed his arms in defense. "Then why did you just laugh at me?" 

   "I didn't laugh at you. It just makes me happy to see you like this."

   "Like what?" 

   "Passionate. Happy." 

   Silence. Then Kyunghoon laughed again.

   "Your hands go everywhere like this," he says wriggling his own hands in the air wildly, "when you talk about fashion stuff." 

   Heechul pushes Kyunghoon's shoulder at this, but now he's smiling too. "It's not just 'stuff.' I love it." 

   "Exactly," Kyunghoon said. "If you didn't love it, you wouldn't be swatting at invisible flies when you talk." 

   "Invisible flies? Hey--"

   "If you tickle me I'm going to punch you." 

   "I wasn't gonna tickle you." 

   "Yes you were! I saw you thinking about it."

   "Okay, I won't." 

   "Good."

   They stared still at each other for a moment. It didn't last when Heechul snuck his finger at Kyunghoon's side, catching him just at the last second to make him squirm and yell.

   "I lied!" Heechul sang over Kyunghoon's protests mashed with his laughter.

   After a few more seconds for his own enjoyment, Heechul let Kyunghoon hit his chest hard enough to push him away, but still laughing. They were both laughing, wishing and hoping they could stay like this forever like they promised. Maybe they can single-handedly defeat inevitability together holding hands, promising forever. 

--

   Kyunghoon came home right as the sun set. His mom was asleep on the couch and he tip-toed across the room, even with the floorboards betraying him with every creak in his step. 

   His mom ever only naps when she's exhausted from work or taking in energy for the next time she has to go. It was dinner time and nothing was made, so Kyunghoon decided to cook for the both of them tonight. Not to say he's a cook by any means, he's absolutely horrid at cooking. In order from worst to 'not-as-bad-as-you'd-think' for things Kyunghoon is weak in, it goes from cooking followed by playing sports. So he's stuck with boiling water for instant black bean noodles. Maybe he'll try frying eggs, if he's feeling like Baek Jongwon. 

   He put his earbuds in for music in his effort to not cause much more noise for his mother to sleep in, stirring the noodles until they were fully incorporated with the instant powder. By the time the song is at its last chorus, he made what should be called a fried egg but looks more like a yolked, white mess on the pan. It happens every time. He turns the heat off with a snap! from the fire going out when he turns the knob. 

한없이 끌어안고 있던

널 놔야 해

난 아무것도 해줄 수 있는 게 없는데

내가 없어야만 행복할 너라서

놓아 놓아 놓아

   He takes two bowls from the cabinet and evenly distributes the noodles into both, for him and his mom. He pours the last of the noodles into his bowl, getting the bits with his chopsticks. He takes his egg-mass and lays it on top. Setting the meal up at the table, he remembers to take the kimchi out as well. 

붙잡고 있는 건

널 위한 게

아닌 걸 알기에 억지로 너를 밀어내

함께한 시간을 우리 추억을

놓아 놓아 놓아

언젠가 웃을 수 있게  

   Kyunghoon looks up and is about to walk over to his mother on the couch when he sees she's already sitting up, looking at him. He takes one earbud out and purses his lips, a question on his mind that's not quite reaching his mouth when he sees her eyes glistening.

   The song is over. The silence in between the moment and the next track makes time screech to a halt. 

   "Mom…" Kyunghoon says carefully. "Is...Is there something wrong?" He gestures to the dinner table, "Um...I made food." 

   She says nothing but starts to make her way to Kyunghoon. He catches her smile before her face disappears over his shoulder when she takes him into a hug. He's not quite sure what to say now. She speaks first. Her voice is quiet and relieved, letting out a breath that has been long held. 

   "Thank goodness," she says. "I'm so glad."

   Kyunghoon awkwardly begins to pat her back with one hand. "Oh. About what?" 

   She holds him tighter. "You don't sing when you're unhappy. The house has been silent for seven years." She's starting to cry now. "Seven years...I haven't heard you sing for seven years…" 

   Kyunghoon feels a tornado swivel in his chest and his throat tightens. "Mom…" 

  "I love your voice, your beautiful voice," his mother says. "I've missed it so much." 

   The only thing Kyunghoon could do was smile in response and hug her back, fully in his arms this time. 

   "To be honest, I didn't even realize I was doing it." 

   "That's fine. That's great, even. I hope it comes naturally to you. And I hope you're okay." 

   "I think I am." 

   "I'm glad." 

   "I love you, mom."

   "I love you too, my son." 

--

   Kyunghoon's first encounter with love had been with his mother, as any other child would experience.

   The first person he ever truly, deeply loved was his mom. The first person to ever love him was his mom. When he was a child and he'd fall from the top of the kitchen counter, she was there to cradle him and kiss the bruises on his knees. When his brother would get into a screaming fight with him and make him cry, she was there to wipe his tears. When his father would ignore his good grades and high-five his energetic brother instead, she was there to tell him he did well. 

   And yet, he is still learning displays of love from her. With a single sentence, he had learned what it meant to be loved, silently, and to be known without knowing it himself.

   So long ago, he had somehow forgotten. His mind and body lost the memory in the meaning of pure love, attention, care. Once it was so ingrained in him, then suddenly fled him entirely. He's realized it was always there, but he himself did not welcome it as he felt it was no longer deserved. Even so, the love continued to watch him, observe him, notice him. His mother anxiously waited and carefully looked, loving him quietly. 

    What will he do with what he has learned? He'll go into life, knowing he is loved, and apply it to others he wishes to surround with the warmth he has inside him. He can't take it for granted anymore, because if it's lost he will truly have nothing left to remind him that living is not empty or desolate. It's enriched by softness found in others and eventually rediscovering it within yourself. He has dug it back up now. He wants to love without turning around, fiercely and confidently. 

   Now, he just has to figure out how to do it. In the meantime, he will continue to sing. Sing for the loves in your life. No matter how few, let your melodies comfort them. Love is silent and loud. So sing, because someone needs to hear you. 

--

  A light dusting of snow covers the ground. Blue sky. Dry, cold air. The year's first snow. 

   Click!

  Heechul completely submerged in his thick knitted red scarf. The shape of him against the grey walls that line the sidewalk. Walking slowly up the hill. He's a moving bundled blur.

    Click!

   The footprints from two pairs of feet trailing behind the boys. They stretch down and up with the curve of the road they walk on, amongst the white that covers the rest of the world. As if they are the only ones in it.

    Click!

    Heechul's breath in the air, materializing into an indescribably blob. A white puff that obstructs the lines of him. 

   "Are you done?" Heechul asks, turning to Kyunghoon. "You've been taking pictures since you left your house."

   "It snowed last night. Just wanted to take some." 

   "But are you done?" 

   Kyunghoon feels his grip on his camera tighten. "Is it annoying you?"

   Heechul's smile wavers. "I didn't mean it like that." 

   "Right." 

   "Sorry." 

   "It's fine." 

   Kyunghoon's breath ricochets through him and knocks into the walls of his body. Nothing is sitting well. He feels like the ground is unnaturally moving under him and his heart is faltering in its beats. 

   "Do you want to see them? The photos?" Kyunghoon asks. "You can have a couple, if you want." 

   Heechul's smile finds its footing again. He nods. "I'd like that a lot." 

   Kyunghoon smiles back. "We should walk a little faster before we're late." 

   "Good idea. It's freezing out here." 

  Their hands are cold. Heechul's brushes past Kyunghoon's fingertips and he can tell Heechul is just as cold as he is. Neither of them do anything about it. 

   They walk up the hill together; a gaping distance between them. 

Chapter Text

  "Heechul. Hey, Heechul. Hey, I'm talking to you. Seriously? Hey--"

  "What?  What, what, what, what do you want?!"

  "Heechul, don't yell at Jungsoo…" Donghae says.

  Ryeowook looks up from his spot on the couch at the three boys sitting around the table. "Can you guys yell somewhere else? I'm reading."

  Siwon snorts. "No, you are not."

  "Definitely wasn't talking to you!"

  Shindong laughs into his laptop. "He's reading The Little Prince, it's kinda reading." 

   Ryeowook kicks one leg at Siwon, barely missing his stomach. "Exactly. Give me some credit." 

   Heechul rubs his temples and stands up. "I can't be in this house right now. I need a smoke."

   Donghae stops him, holding his arm. "Isn't Kyunghoon coming over?"

   Heechul pulls away. "Yeah, he's on his way. If he sees me we'll just share. Don't worry."

   Youngwoon, lying on the floor in front of the T.V., reaches into his sweatpant pocket and pulls out a cigarette box, tossing it to Heechul. Jungsoo sneers. 

   "Fine. We'll talk outside." 

   Heechul shrugs and tosses the box back to Youngwoon, walking out with a cigarette in his mouth and a lighter in his hand. 

   The two sit on the porch. Jungsoo turns his back towards Heechul. Heechul puffs away. The chilly, overcast sky settles on their shoulders and they shiver. 

   "Looks like you're really mad at me today."

   "Because I am. If I keep holding it in, I'm going to end up breaking your arm."

   Heechul takes the cigarette from his mouth. "Well? What is it now?" he sighs. 

   Jungsoo runs his fingers through his hair. He exhales heavily. "You're so...blind, to everything. It's incredibly terrible to look at." 

   Heechul sniffs. "Not sure what you mean by that."

   "I mean that you're either a total asshole that doesn't care about others' feelings or you're completely oblivious. Maybe both. Either way, it's bad and it's taking a toll."

   "On who? You?" 

   "Kyunghoon."

   Heechul forgets to breathe for a moment. He hides his sudden uneasiness with a scoff. "You don't know anything."

   "He's getting hurt."

   "By who?"

   "By you, you fucking idiot." 

   Heechul throws the shrunken cigarette to the ground and turns to Jungsoo, furiously. Jungsoo does the same. He doesn't get a chance to retaliate. Not once. 

    "Don't you think it's killing him when you sit that close all the time? So close that your shoulders are stuck together? When you hold his hand without a second thought, like it means nothing? When you whisper things to him like everything is a secret? Do you?"

    Heechul's hands enclose into fists. "Is this what you wanna do right now? Amongst all of what's happening with finding my--"

    "Let me finish getting this into your head!" Jungsoo cuts him off. "I'm so fucking tired of watching you play with people's feelings like this, like they don't matter to you. Especially Kyunghoon. He doesn't deserve that. None of it."

    The blood that had gathered in Heechul's face before floods from him he thinks he might pass out. "Jungsoo, stop." His voice sounds unfamiliar to him. Shame and fury colors his tone. 

    Jungsoo's temper that had been searing slowly was now alight. "You can't just...do things like that. Not without meaning to. His face when you do, as if he's all that matters to you in the world...It's almost painful to watch. Don't you realize little actions like that give him false hope? You...you can't just treat him like one of your girls, Heechul. As your friend, your brother, I'm not going to stand by and see you act like this. Not anymore."

    Jungsoo's voice is raised so loud and so angrily it makes the clouds turn greyer. He looks right into Heechul's eyes, not letting a single beat go by.

    "Kyunghoon likes you. He likes you so much, I think he's going to die from it." 

    Time stops, or slows down, Heechul can't tell. He's staring at Jungsoo in silent terror, too stunned to move or speak. He tries to level out his thoughts but his mind won't stop racing and his heart won't stop pounding and with just a few words he's been dismantled of his most concentrated efforts to push down everything, everything, that's been eating at him. He's counting every number and he can't stop. 

    He's not ready for this. Not yet. Not yet. Not like this. But a rush, a tidal wave, of feelings and images of one boy's hands, his arms, his lips are charging through his system. His mouth is open and the taste of his cigarette is ashy on his dry tongue. Bitter and awful, awful, awful. 

   The phone in Heechul's hoodie pocket buzzes and takes him out of his descent into madness. He's wobbly when he takes it out, seeing a message. 

< 나 오늘 못 와. 미안 >

[ I can't come today. Sorry. ]

<그래~ 다음 보자^^>

[ Okay~ See you next time^^ ]

--

  "Heechul, are you okay?" 

  Kyunghoon peered at the other boy's face, who looked back at him with slightly wide eyes. 

   "Wha-- Yeah, why?"

   "You're staring into space and making scribbles." Kyunghoon pointed at Heechul's notebook, in which the whole bottom half of a page was blackened out in thin, inky swirls. He actually wasn't staring into space, but at his phone screen that was turned off. Like he was nervous as to what would happen if it lit up. Heechul didn't know what to say. 

   "Oh. I don't know why I did that."

   Kyunghoon took the pen from Heechul's hand and replaced it with a piece of gum, which appeared almost magically. Heechul managed to smile. 

   "Chew that instead of scribbling. At least you'll concentrate better." 

   "Mm. Thanks." 

   Heechul chewed on the gum until the teacher caught him and told him to spit it out in the hallway. 

   When it's their break period, Heechul's friends play soccer in the courtyard even if it's chilly outside. Kyunghoon wants to go too, but Heechul stays inside. So, he stays too. He sits down next to him, placing a bun filled with cream on his desk. 

   "Heechul, if you want to talk to me what you were thinking about earlier--" 

   "Kyunghoon, watch this girl group with me!" Heechul says, tapping the other boy's shoulder, as if he didn't hear him. He hasn't touched the bread Kyunghoon bought him from the cafeteria. 

   "Uh...You should eat first--"

   "Watch it, I love them."

    He says it so easily about people he doesn't even know. 

   "Kyunghoon, look! They're gonna talk!"

  Kyunghoon gives in, not before throwing Heechul one more squint when he does, and scoots his seat closer to the phone screen being shoved in his face. 

   "Nine...Ink?"

  Heechul wags his finger with a sigh. "No, dumbass, you say it like the color 'pink' in English but the nine in the name replaces the 'p' in it. There's nine members. '9INK.' Connect the dots, Kyunghoon." 

   "Ah, I see. My bad." 

   "It's okay, you're learning." 

   Heechul was basically sitting on Kyunghoon's chair at this point and one of his earbuds in the other boy's ear. The group of girls Heechul was talking about were being interviewed, wearing frilly pink outfits. 

   "I'd do better than that." Heechul muttered, referring to the getups. Kyunghoon smiled. 

   "Yeah, you would."

   Only one of Kyunghoon's ears were occupied with the interview, so his other open ear was prone to hearing sounds around the classroom. He couldn't help but be distracted. Amongst the noise, he could hear certain voices that made him prick. Voices he has heard before...

   They're whispering again. 

    Don't they like each other? I swear, that glasses kid is totally gay. No way man, Heechul isn't even gay. You know how many girls he dated in his first year here? What does Heechul see in the dude anyway? How are they even that close? Maybe if Heechul was still dating Yujin--

  Kyunghoon ripped the earbud off and got up from his chair, walking out of the room. 

  "Hey, Kyunghoon, where are you going? 9INK haven't performed yet!" 

  Kyunghoon even doesn't know who they are. Ever since the year started, he began to pick up on their hushed conversations. It was like how Heechul's friends did the year before, but less blatant. They sat across from him and Heechul. When they thought he wasn't looking, they'd point and whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper. 

  They seem to bring up every little thing Kyunghoon hates to think to himself, because he has thought of them before. More than once. Maybe a little too much. Sometimes, enough to make him too scared to even look at Heechul in the eye. 

   It got worse as weeks went by. When it was spring and the class would jog laps around the track outside, he could hear them behind him. 

  Look at how close they are. They're basically bumping into each other. Maybe if they trip, they'll fall on top of one another. That'd be a show. 

   Kyunghoon would run ahead, even if every step hurt his legs. 

  In the summer, when Kyunghoon would be turning a corner in the hall for the water fountain, he'd stop and hear them giggle. 

  He really has downgraded since Yujin. She's way hotter and, you know, not weird. Exactly! At least she was normal and talked, right? Kid can't even say an answer without consulting his crush, he's such a little bitch. Bet his dad hates him. I definitely would, if that was my son. 

   Kyunghoon would turn around and forget about ever being dry in the throat. 

  Now, it's winter and the bathrooms are colder. Kyunghoon is about to wash his hands, walking out the stall, until the door opens with two boys entering. He recognized them from his own class and ducked his head, turning on the faucet. The water was freezing. 

  The two boys stopped walking when they saw him. Both were taller than Kyunghoon, both on the track team, and terrible at keeping their voices low. 

  "Isn't that him?" one of them said to his friend. The other boy nodded and they both snickered. 

  Kyunghoon was ready to dry his hands until when he turned around, he was face to face with one of the boys. His hands were kept in front of him, almost touching his chest. 

  "If you wanted to know, Heechul likes chocolates and flowers. I bet you already knew that, though." The boy laughed.

  "Huh?" 

  "Idiot." 

  The boy leaned closer to Kyunghoon's nose, making him hold the sink behind him in case he fell over from backing up. The boy started laughing. 

  "What? You afraid I'm gonna kiss you before Heechul can?"

  The boy's friend peeked from behind him. "So what if you did? I bet he'd like it." 

  "Please stop."

  "Oh! He speaks! He sounds like a mouse."

  Kyunghoon is gripping the sink behind him so tightly he can feel the bone of his knuckles strain on his soaked skin. "Let me dry my hands." 

  "Gimme a kiss, maybe I'll let you through." 

  The boy puckered his lips, stretching them, and closed his eyes. His friend started clapping and laughing at the sight. Kyunghoon wanted to shrink. 

  "I said stop!"

  Kyunghoon felt a weight under his palms  and froze. It was a shove. He shoved the boy bigger than him away. He didn't realize what he had done until the water from his hands would be seen on the other boy's sweater. His friend scoffed. 

  "So he can talk and push, huh?" 

  Kyunghoon was starting to sweat, his neck feeling hot. "I'm sorry."

  The boy looked up at Kyunghoon. Angry. Violent. "You got my shirt wet." 

  Kyunghoon looked down. His mouth just barely functions. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry." 

  "No you're not." He stepped closer. "Look, I can push too." 

  Kyunghoon flew across the floor, hitting the wall. He was too shocked to feel the pain from hitting his head. When he sees the boy and his friend walk up to him, he shuts his eyes and curls up on instinct. 

    A year has passed, yet nothing has changed. 

  "Touch me again, I fucking dare you--" 

  "HEY!"

   Kyunghoon's eyes opened to the sound of Heechul's voice ringing. He looked up to see him at the door, panting from running. 

--

   Kyunghoon sat by himself against the wall. He was waiting for Heechul, who said he'd talk to the boys. He realizes they didn't really 'talk' when Heechul walks up with a wet paper towel on his knuckles and a cigarette hanging off his lips. 

   Heechul smoking was not new to Kyunghoon. He knew a lot of kids in his old neighborhood that did and has walked in on sessions in the bathroom on multiple occasions. 

   The first time Heechul smoked in front of him was by mere chance that past summer when he went to his house. Heechul was on the porch, puffing into the humid air. 

   ("Oh. You weren't supposed to find out like this.")

   Kyunghoon then sat down next to him and they shared. 

   ("Are you sure?" Heechul had asked. 

   "No." Kyunghoon said. "Hand it over.")

   They don't smoke all that often, really on occasion, but they don't cough when they inhale anymore. It made them feel older, it felt good. These days, however, Heechul seemed to have one every other day. Today was no different but the circumstances were slightly scarier, at least on Kyunghoon's end. Heechul seemed to have managed it well. Kyunghoon needed one right now.

    "They won't bother you anymore," Heechul said, kneeling down with Kyunghoon. He passed the cigarette to him. "I made sure of it." 

   Kyunghoon said nothing and blew. He glanced at Heechul's knuckles. He'll be picking at the scabs later.

   "Does it hurt?" 

   "Hm?"

   "Your head. You hit your head on the wall, didn't you?" 

    It's throbbing. "You're not in the position to ask me about being hurt right now." 

   "Hey, I haven't fought anyone since my second year here but I'm not rusty. I'm fine. I'm asking about you." 

   "Who's Yujin?" 

   Heechul blinked. "What?"

   "Is she your ex?"

   "What the fuck are you talking about?" 

   "Nevermind."

   Heechul laughed in disbelief. Or disgust. Kyunghoon couldn't tell. His lungs were on fire. 

   "Yeah. She's an ex. My last one." Heechul snatched the cigarette from Kyunghoon's fingers without touching them. "We dated for about five months in my second year. My longest relationship." 

   "Did you like her? A lot?" 

   Heechul tilted his head up and smiled slightly. It was bitter. "Sometimes I think I still have feelings for her." 

   Something like lead sinks inside Kyunghoon's stomach. 

   "She broke up with me, said I was too much of a delinquent. Always punching people and smoking and drinking. She felt uncomfortable."

   Heechul turned his head to Kyunghoon. He wished he didn't. His eyes were glittering. 

   "I gave her one of my sweaters to wear one day. She still hasn't given it back. I think she still has feelings for me too." 

   Kyunghoon glanced at him. He took the cigarette from his fingers, bumping into them as he did. The touch felt like a burn. 

   "She's in the class next door to us. I see her a lot. We haven't spoken in a while. I still have her number." 

   Kyunghoon exhaled. The smoke swirled from his lips and rose up. He shivered. "Is she pretty?"

   "Everyday she had me mesmerized. I see her now and...she's brighter than a blue sky." 

   Kyunghoon nodded and took a hit. "Ask her out again."

   "No."

   "Why not?"

   "I mean, look at me."

   He did. Kyunghoon looked at him. He looked at him for a long, long time. 

  Heechul had a cut on the bridge of his nose. Kyunghoon reached and hovered over it with his thumb. He didn't touch it. His thumb brushed against his cheek. Thoughts invaded him and he quickly shook them off with a blink.

   "Give me that."

   Heechul handed him the paper towel on his knuckles. Kyunghoon let the cigarette in his mouth and patted gently over the small cut. 

   "Don't fight people," he said quietly. "It hurts me, too." 

   Heechul stayed still. "Why did you ask about Yujin? Do you know her?"

   Kyunghoon stopped. Everything in him stopped; his heart, his hands, his thoughts. 

   "They talk about you two a lot."

   "Who?"

   "I don't know. People." 

  Kyunghoon jumped when Heechul took the cigarette from his mouth and put it in his own, staring into Kyunghoon's eyes. He took the paper towel back too and left it draped over his knuckles again. He ruffled the top of Kyunghoon's head and grinned. 

   "Aren't you cold?" he asked. 

   Kyunghoon was ice.  

   Heechul started taking off the grey pullover he was already wearing. He hesitated before putting it over Kyunghoon's head, standing up and walking away. His feet echoed on the bathroom tile. Kyunghoon sat on the ground alone for a moment. 

   "Come on."

  Kyunghoon slowly put his arms through the sleeves, which were soft and toasty on the inside in contrast to the harder exterior. His ears felt warm. He put it on fully and followed Heechul. 

   Heechul smiled at him, the cigarette still dangling loosely from his lips. 

   "Looks better on you than on me." he commented. He said it like it was nothing.

--

< 우리 엄마가 식료품이 필요해, 나랑 같이 갈래?>

 [ My mom needs me to buy groceries. Wanna come?]

--

   The sun is setting and it's the middle of the week, but Heechul found himself sitting on a bus going through the city with Kyunghoon. It's at the hour people are coming home from work, so the bus is quite packed. Kyunghoon was sitting next to Heechul, closely, not leaving any room between them. 

   "Don't move." 

   Heechul breathes an 'okay' and leans into Kyunghoon, crossing his arms. Somehow, the boy's head lulls onto Heechul's shoulder and wobbles there. He can see his closed lashes below him. At peace. Heechul wishes he can see him doze off more often. Even though he's asleep, he's still clutching his mother's grocery list in one tight fist. He's not completely knocked out.

   He's still wearing the sweater he gave him earlier. 

   The glare of the setting sun moves in Kyunghoon's direction. He scrunches his nose when the light pushes through his eyelids. Heechul snorts at the sight and shields the boy's face with his hand. 

   "I didn't know you were okay with public transportation," Heechul whispers. "I was wondering how we would get to the market."

   "Buses are fine. Taxis are fine. That's it." Kyunghoon whispers back. 

   After a moment, Kyunghoon opens one eye and sees Heechul has taken out his phone, holding it with his other hand on his lap. The screen is off. He's waiting for someone. 

    No way. 

  "Did you...contact Yujin again?"

  Heechul shifts his position and makes Kyunghoon's slightly awkward, so he sits up straighter and off of Heechul's shoulder. 

  "What in the world makes you think that?" Heechul murmurs. 

  "You did," Kyunghoon says. "It's obvious. Your phone is out like someone will call or text any second."

   Heechul chews on his bottom lip for a moment and doesn't look Kyunghoon in the eye. He clears his throat, tossing his phone between both hands. 

   "Congrats. I'm saying it now because she'll say yes." 

   "Not sure what you're talking about." 

   The bus comes to a halt. A voice into a speaker states the stop and people start coming off or on. The transition minute allows for a moment of silence between the two. The bus starts moving again and Heechul looks down at his phone. Kyunghoon looks at Heechul. 

--

    Further up north in Seoul, the mountains dictate how neighborhoods must be shaped and where buildings may be placed. The thread that needles through the fabric so to speak. From that, the area that is surrounded is where development is found to be harder, large complexes are few, and old communities last longer than most lives. Narrow winding streets are lined with buildings that look as though they haven't been touched in the last fifty or so years. The spellings of words on signs are older, chipped and rusted away as bits of the past. 

    Near Hongje Station, many aspects can be breathed in fresher than other places from it's clearer air and slower pace. Kyunghoon leads Heechul to traditional Inwang Market, submersed in its seaside savor and natural sweetness of local produce. 

   Heechul walked about three feet away from Kyunghoon, who was looking up and back down between the stalls. His movements seemed deliberate and confident, looking through what was in front of him, mostly because of the list in one hand. Heechul was glad to be there.

   Kyunghoon asked questions with all of the vendors about what he was buying and listened to them all carefully. Within twenty minutes, he acquired four small black plastic bags of vegetables. 

   "My mom wants to make bean paste stew tonight, but she ran out of ingredients. She's tired to go get them though, so we're here."

   Heechul nodded as they walked along the lines of displays. He shudders from the cold and puts his hands in his jacket pockets. "Why am I here again?"

   Kyunghoon purses his lips. "I didn't want to be here alone." 

   The two have seemingly drawn closer, now side by side, shuffling silently. Heechul is turning his head at all of the sounds of the market while Kyunghoon gazes at the herbs and food. His arms dangle with the weight of the bags, hitting his legs as he walks. 

   "When I have a kid, I want them to be smarter than me." 

   Heechul almost trips over his feet. 

   Kyunghoon smiles slightly. His dimples that are usually so deep are only peeking through as he thinks. "I can't cook, you know that. I'll learn eventually. But when I'm older and have a kid, I don't want them to be like me right now. I'll teach them the names of everything, from vegetables to spices and herbs. I want them to be smart. Walking through here made me realize that." 

   Heechul looks at him as he speaks so shyly of such a sudden thought. 

  They're close enough to hold hands but they don't. They're still able to feel each other's warmth through the chilly air. As much as one would like to move away, they don't. 

    I feel like I haven't held your hand in centuries. 

   Kyunghoon stops walking and Heechul does the same. 

   "Do you want to stop by Namdaemun Market? I think it's only a couple minutes by taxi from the station. We can eat." 

   Heechul nods without a second thought. He shudders again. Today is colder than usual.

--

   "Yeah, mom...Yes, I got everything. Even the garlic. It was the first thing I bought. You wrote everything down...Mmhm. It went fine. I'm with Heechul. We came to Namdaemun for a bit and then we'll go home...Yes. I'll be there soon, don't worry...I love you, too. I'm hanging up now." 

   Heechul sat down in front of Kyunghoon right when he put his phone away, setting the spicy rice cakes in front of them in a market stall. 

   "Your mom?" 

   "Yeah."

   "Is she worried?"

   "She always is."

   "Ah." 

   "Yeah. Eat."

    They do, in silence. Usually they would be talking about school or Heechul would be complaining about his friends. Something in Heechul stirs when he bumps knees with Kyunghoon under the table and renders him wordless. He shouldn't be allowed to talk to him. He shouldn't be allowed to be here at all. 

    But Kyunghoon wants him here. He wants him here more than anyone else in the whole world. Knowing that makes Heechul sink.

    "Why didn't you come over last week?" Heechul asks, just before he fell deeper into his head.

    Kyunghoon doesn't look up but he stops eating. After a second, he takes another bite. "I forgot to do an assignment. I had to finish it." 

   "Oh." 

   "We're hanging out now, right? It's nothing."

   "Yeah." 

   They finish the rice cakes and it has begun to lightly snow. 

   Kyunghoon is walking through the clothing shops while Heechul, again, watches. He pulls the heavy jacket closer around him. He forgot his red scarf at home. His neck feels exposed. He scrunches his shoulders and turns around toward the path where people are walking through the other stores across from him. They all seem to be in pairs. He shakes his head and takes his phone out, seeing that only messages from his friend's groupchat meets him when he turns on the screen. He sighs and sees his breath dissolve in front of him. The wait is turning out to be worse than he thought. 

    Just let me find my family. 

    "Heechul, turn around."

   He does, and Kyunghoon is right in front of him. The boy's arms suddenly raise and Heechul's vision is blocked by white for half a second, before a layer of softness is wrapping around his neck. He's frozen in place, staring at Kyunghoon as he wraps the white scarf around him, over his head where snowflakes land, letting the last of it sit on his shoulders. 

   "You got me a Christmas present last year. This one is yours."

   The scarf covers Heechul up to his chin. Kyunghoon bends down to pick up the grocery bags he put down at Heechul's feet before his hands are grabbed. He's startled and looks back up at Heechul. The touch alone is a shock to the heart, but something about it made a burning rise in the throat. Instead of saying anything, Heechul lets go. 

   The world has slowed down until Heechul's phone rings. He takes it right away and walks away from Kyunghoon. Leaving him to stand alone in the middle of the market, under the gentle flurry from above. 

Chapter Text

   The two boys silently made their way up the hill of Kyunghoon’s neighborhood, long after the sun dipped past the horizon that can be seen once you reach the top. The snow from earlier had died down to infrequent flakes falling in the tops of heads and eyelashes. The breeze is cool, if a little strong, rustling dying leaves from the branches of trees that line the road. It soothes and detracts the darkness with the cold. The plastic bags being carried by the both of them hit their legs as they dangled from their hands. Kyunghoon can see the stars through the breaks of the cloud cover. It will only be a few minutes until the persimmon tree will be within sight. 

   Heechul slows his steps and Kyunghoon follows without noticing it himself. It’s not until Heechul eventually stops completely that they meet eyes, and Kyunghoon is back at the market again where they stood nose-to-nose with Heechul gripping his wrists. The moment could not be shaken off and Kyunghoon wonders if the other boy feels the same. Whatever that was. Instead of bringing it up, he breathes in. 

   “What is it?” Kyunghoon murmurs, ignoring how his heart is thundering wildly in his chest again. He’s been very good at it. 

   They’re both quiet for a while. Even the sound of their breaths are lost to the gentle swaying of the night’s wind. 

   Heechul is thinking, very hard, and Kyunghoon can see it in the way his eyebrows angle themselves downward and his big eyes stare at him.

   “Kyunghoon.” 

   “Hm?”

   “Kyunghoon, I…You...You wanna see some lyrics I wrote? It’s just a few words, barely a good verse, but I think it can go somewhere.” 

   Kyunghoon blinks,frozen. “Oh-- um, sure, show me.” He has never done this before. 

   Heechul fishes for his phone in his pocket and swipes through it quickly before almost shoving it into Kyunghoon’s nose. Kyunghoon readjusts his glasses and reads the bright screen to himself.

   So we can remember,  

   let’s look back on today

   Place it in our closed eyes

   Push it to our dreams, until we fall asleep

   “Good start?” Heechul’s voice cuts through Kyunghoon’s skip in his heartbeat, making him finally glance up at him after what was probably one too many seconds. He nodded and cleared his throat, which wasn’t being blocked by anything in particular. 

   “Really good. I like it.” He has never done this before.

   Heechul grinned at this, but to the ground as he put his phone back in his pocket. He didn’t want Kyunghoon to see him do so, but he did anyway. He didn’t mention it.

   “It came to me on the bus ride back. That’s it.” 

   “Hey, don’t act like it’s nothing. It’s really good. I mean it.” Kyunghoon peered at Heechul’s face, who was still smiling. After being found out, he started to giggle, making Kyunghoon laugh almost on instinct. 

   “Actually, there is something I wanted to bring up,” Heechul said, awkwardly serious again. “I just...didn’t know how.” 

   Kyunghoon’s face fell. “Alright...?” 

   Heechul’s mouth shifted side to side in thought, as if chewing on words he meant to get out for a while now. Thoughts are struggling to form themselves. Kyunghoon can see it in his eyes. 

   “You know how...I...was a foster kid? Never met my parents, never knew them, all that.” 

   Kyunghoon shifts his feet and it scrapes against the ground. “Yeah.”

   Heechul sniffs. “I’m going to meet my birth father.” 

   Kyunghoon’s instant reaction is happiness for him and he wants to tell him how exciting that must be, how long he must have waited for something like this to happen. However, he sees that Heechul doesn’t feel the same at all. He told him all this in a small voice without a smile, not a glimmer of hopefulness, and Kyunghoon doesn’t really know how to respond. 

   “That’s…” Kyunghoon starts carefully, still unable to read the situation. “That’s amazing. And daunting.” 

   Heechul nods slightly and Kyunghoon gives himself a mental pat on the back for saying the right words for once, even if it took all of his brain’s power to do so. With that, they start on their slow pace again down the hill. Their figures cast shadows on the pavement as they fall under street lamps. 

   “Yeah,” Heechul says with a shrug. Now that he has passed the threshold of saying it outloud, he has seemingly found his footing in his usual attitude again. “I got into contact with my foster mom, who I haven’t spoken to since, I don’t know...Summer of my first year? It was a while ago. She said she could arrange something of a meeting with him. She called me earlier about that.” 

   Kyunghoon nods along. “So that’s what it was…” 

   Heechul laughs slightly. “Yeah, not any girl stuff.”

   Kyunghoon nudges his shoulder to Heechul’s in embarrassment, making Heechul laugh a little louder with no real malice.

   “How do you feel?” Kyunghoon asks. “Do you know what you’re going to say?”

   Heechul tips his head from side to side in momentary thought. “Well, yeah, more or less,” he hums. “I feel like overpreparing myself with too many questions might tense me up though, so I’m trying not to do that.”

   We are very different people , Kyunghoon thinks to himself. He can feel the corners of his mouth lift when he does. 

   “What about your mom?”

   “Huh?”

   “Your birth mom. Could you find her?”

   A pause. “One parent at a time.”

   “Ah.” 

   They leave it at that, but Kyunghoon can’t point out as to why Heechul seemed so nervous to tell him all of this in the first place. He glances at him. 

   “What are you scared of?” 

   “Hm? I’m not scared.” 

   “You were just a second ago.” 

   Heechul is silent. Kyunghoon dares to step an inch closer to him in an attempt to somehow comfort. “It’s fine that you are. I’d be scared too.” 

   Something stirs in Kyunghoon’s chest when they meet eyes again, closer. Heechul is very much afraid. 

   “I guess...it’s the ‘what-if’s,’ you know? Like, what if he sees me and...doesn’t want to see me,” Heechul says as a statement rather than a question. “What if I run away, what if I ruin it…”

   Kyunghoon has no comfort for him on this part because he would be thinking the same exact thing and would not be able to cope with it. He wonders how Heechul can even think about breathing. 

   “Do you know when you will see him? Or where you’ll go?” 

   Heechul purses his lips. “Um, soon. Really soon. I don’t know where, but I hope we go to, like, a cafe or something. Somewhere comfortable. I don’t want the setting to make anything hard. That’d suck.” 

   The two reach the front of Kyunghoon’s front gate. Heechul stops as Kyunghoon does, facing him. He sets the bags he was holding down. 

   “Kyunghoon…” Heechul hesitates. “Did your dad love you?” 

   Heechul’s gaze searches his face and Kyunghoon doesn’t look away. 

   “It’s going to be okay, Heechul.” Kyunghoon tells him. 

    He gives the other boy a reassuring squeeze on his shoulder and picks up his groceries, bumping the half-open gate wider with his hip. He walks in and turns back to Heechul, giving him a small smile. A curl of regret peeks through in him.

    “Tell me how it goes, okay?” 

   Heechul takes a breath, like he wants to say something, but he lets it go and nods. 

   “Okay.”

--

   “Thank you for the delicious meal!” both brothers, ages ten and five, sweetly cheered in unison. Their mother praised their good manners before eating. Their father nodded and ate as well. The T.V. continued to play the cartoon penguin show in the background as they ate, singing songs about baby sharks and its family. Kyunghoon’s eyes went to the screen naturally as he ate. His chopsticks mindlessly twirled around his bite-sized pieces of stir-fried pork and vegetables as the baby penguin sang. 

   “The food is really good, mom,” his brother said good-naturedly. His plate was already half-empty and he was scarfing it up as the seconds went by. “We should eat this everyday instead of takeout.” 

   “Thank you honey, but don’t eat too fast, okay? You should breathe between bites.” His mother smiled and rubbed his back. She took her attention to Kyunghoon, who was taking in small bites at a rate that is at least five times slower than his brother. He picked at his veggies as well. 

   “Kyunghoon?” his mother called softly. The boy swerved his head to her attention and she smiled. “Are you full? Why aren’t you eating?” 

   Kyunghoon shook his head. “Sorry mommy,” he said. He glanced at his father sitting across from him and down at his plate again. “I’ll eat.” 

   His mother nodded. “Mm, that’s fine little one. Take your time.” 

   About ten more minutes passed and Kyunghoon’s brother had long gone from his seat, leaving his clean plate at the dinner table to kick a ball around in the living room. His mother and father brought the wine out, continuing to eat and talk about small things. Kyunghoon went on to space out at the cartoon penguins and pick around his plate. His little mouth hung open, even as he chewed slowly. 

   “Are you full, star?” his mother asked, sipping from her glass. He shook his head and took another bite. He barely made a dent into his food. 

   Suddenly, his father placed his wine glass down on the table’s surface with quite the measurable force, making the others jump. His voice rumbles when he speaks. “Min Kyunghoon.” 

   Kyunghoon looked up at him. His father didn’t meet his eye and just shook his head, holding the bridge of his nose. 

   “Just move him down,” his father sneered. “He’s ruining my appetite.” 

   His mother blinked, gritting her teeth. “What did we say about speaking like that to him…” 

   “Well someone has to make him behave. He takes half an hour to eat a meal and doesn’t even eat everything he gets. Ungrateful.”

   “He’s five.” 

   “He’s annoying.” 

   “Hey!” his mother is shouting now, making Kyunghoon cave his shoulders inward. She notices and glares at her husband, lowering her voice dangerously. “You are unbelievable.” 

   “Take your son.” 

   “ Our son.” 

   “Then I’ll take mine.” His father is fed up now, throwing his napkin on the table and standing on his feet, making the chair squeak on the hardwood floor from the sudden movement. “Hey kiddie,” he smiles for Kyunghoon’s older brother. “You want to go on a walk for a little bit?” 

   “Yeah!” his brother squeals with glee, making his way up on top of his father’s shoulders. They take the ball with them when they leave, the door slamming shut. It’s very loud and leaves a deafening silence behind.

   Kyunghoon’s mother sets her head in her head, elbows on the table. She sighs heavily. 

   Kyunghoon looks at his food, merely stirred around, with a few missing gaps from his pile of white rice. He looks at his brother’s empty plate next to him; not a stray grain left over. 

   “Mommy…” he mumbles and pats his tummy. “I’m full.” He’s not, but he doesn’t want to eat anymore. He feels his mother’s loving hand rub his round cheeks.

   “Do you need help eating?” she asks softly. She makes sure that they can see each other eye-to-eye. 

   He thinks for a moment. “Maybe later,” he decides. “Maybe later…” 

   “Just let me know, okay?” 

   “Yes, mommy.” 

   His mother picks him up, making cooing sounds, and lets his face be nestled in the crook of her neck as she pets the back of his head. Her other hand supports his bottom. They make their way to the sofa and sit. The cartoon continues to play. 

   “You’re getting so heavy. My baby is growing so fast.” 

   Kyunghoon plays with the ends of his mother’s hair lazily, almost sleepily. He could let his eyes droop close and fall asleep right here, but he doesn’t. He wants to be awake with his mom. 

   “I love you, mommy.” 

   His mother somehow holds him closer. “I love you too. I always will.” 

   Kyunghoon presses his nose into her shoulder. His voice is muffled in her shirt. “Does dad love me?” 

   He hears her breathe out through her nose, rubbing his back. “Yes, he does. He loves you very much. We both love you.” 

   This allows Kyunghoon to comfortably snuggle against his mom, drifting off not long after. He doesn’t think much about his food anymore. 

   Later in the night, he wakes himself up and finds himself in his bed that sits across from his brother’s. He’s fast asleep. Kyunghoon hadn’t heard him come in earlier. 

   Suddenly, a surging pain sneaks up on his left knee. It’s unexplainable to his limited vocabulary, it just hurts. He tosses and turns in his bed, seeing if it will wear off if he ignores it for long enough. Maybe if he goes back to sleep it will just go away when he wakes up in the morning. However, the pain tolerance of a five year old does not go very far and he ends up crying out. It’s something he physically cannot escape from. He heard his father tell his brother that they were called growing pains, meaning that his body was stretching itself out to be big and strong like him. That’s all fun, but it hurts so much. 

   As if on queue, his brother stirs awake and cries out as well. He’s having his own growing pains as well, except he’s holding his ankle. 

   “Mom! Dad!” he wails. “Dad! Come here!” 

   Kyunghoon is crying too but he calls for no one. His brain is too scrambled on the mangled sensation from his knee, so he cries. 

   His father comes into the room at one point, with his mother following, and sees both boys looking similar; sobbing away and holding their joints. His father goes for the older brother. He starts massaging the spot where the boy is holding onto and soothes him.

   “Min Kyunghoon, keep it down,” his father scolds. “You’ll get the neighbors angry.” His brother keeps crying. 

   His mother shakes her head at her husband and does the same routine for Kyunghoon on his knee. 

   It’s not long when Kyunghoon’s father carries his brother out of the room to calm him down separately, leaving him and his mother alone on his bed. When he stops crying and is just a flushed, sniffling, cooled-down version of himself from a couple minutes ago, his mother carefully gets up to leave. She’s stopped when Kyunghoon’s little hand tugs at her shirt and whines, adjusting herself in place beside him. She settles in his purple covers. 

   His knee still has the lingering ache, but now is reduced to merely a throbbing. He climbs on top of his mother, who’s lying on her back. She doesn’t say anything when he does this and only wraps her arms around his body in return. 

   “Are you okay now, honey?” she whispers in his hair. He nods and nestles himself in her warmth. His mother places a light kiss on the crown of his head and rubs his back until his breathing slows, then evens out. 

--

   Being closer to January and in his last year of highschool, there is lots of filler time during the weekdays. Testing has ended and so has the bigger assignments. The only people that are still in their testing are artists and athletes, of which Kyunghoon is neither. He sits in homeroom with the rest of the kids. 

   It’s Friday and by far the most relaxing day of school, of the week frankly. It’s been a couple days since that day at the market with Heechul and Kyunghoon’s mind has not stopped lingering on it, as much as he tries to resist. Now that it has happened, it’s all he can think about. He was so bold in his actions and words, so unlike himself. He lead Heechul through it all rather than it being the other way around. For the time that he has known Heechul, it was usually him that would drag him around places. 

   That past summer, for instance, they spent various days and nights by the Han River as suggested spontaneously by Heechul himself. It simply wasn’t like Kyunghoon to tell Heechul where they were going on his command, but it wasn’t strange like how it would have been maybe six months ago. He’s more comfortable with him than anyone else and Heechul may say the same. 

   Still, he can’t shake the thought that the whole day was so...off. From Kyunghoon’s encounter in the bathroom during school, to Heechul in the aftermath of it. Heechul telling him about his ex. Heechul giving him his sweater. Heechul following Kyunghoon wherever he went. Heechul not being his talkative self. His reaction to when Kyunghoon bought him that scarf. The fear in his eyes when he said he would be meeting his father for the first time. Everything was simply off. Maybe ‘off’ is a bad word to use, rather than ‘new.’ They’re still experiencing new things together. Out of the ordinary doesn’t mean they’re automatically bad and should never happen again, but...He can never be too sure. 

   Now, Kyunghoon hasn’t seen him at school since that day. 

   The two would usually be goofing around, but he’s been alone. He was left alone and he doesn’t know why. No matter how many times he texts him, which was exactly three and that’s a lot for him, he gets nothing back. Heechul never misses a text from him. He can’t help but wonder if he did something wrong that day, as if that thought alone doesn’t creep on him enough.

   Despite being left as just Kyunghoon for a couple days, nothing scary happens. Scary, as in, boys who play muscle-building sports don’t try to corner him in the bathroom or anything beyond that. It’s his own paranoia that he has built on himself but he’s still pleasantly surprised nonetheless. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t notice Heechul’s friends always being within close proximity to him, more than usual, during break times. 

   When he asks Heechul’s friends as to where he’s been for the past two days, they say he had come down with a cold. He’ll be better by next week. That’s fine, Kyunghoon thinks. He’ll be back, better and healthier as ever. They’ll be normal again. They’ll be like how they were and remain the same as they always have been.

Chapter Text

It’s Sunday morning, 2 A.M., when Heechul calls Kyunghoon. 

Kyunghoon stirs awake at the sound of his phone sounding in his dark room. He pushes himself up on his elbow and rubs his eyes with his other hand. His vision is blurry until it lands on his phone screen being lit up, and it’s the single most brightest thing his retinas have ever burned in. He squints reaching for it and swiping his finger across the screen on, hopefully, the right spot. It’s a success when he puts the phone to his ear and hears that someone is on the other line. 

“Mom?” he slurs like a drunken idiot. 

“No. It’s me.” 

Kyunghoon bolts upright at the sound of Heechul’s voice, which he feels like he hasn’t heard in months. He’s definitely awake now and he clears his voice to make up for the lack of use it. It’s low and crackly in his throat when he speaks.

“Heechul, hey,” he says with a slightly more energetic tone, or as much as he can muster at the moment. “Are you feeling better?” 

He can hear the pause between them when there’s static. “What?”

“Weren’t you sick? Your friends said you were sick…” 

“Oh. I was. I’m better.”

Kyunghoon nods. “That’s good.” His brain is still half-asleep as he tries to think of what he wants to say, but he comes up empty.  

“Did I wake you up?” Heechul asks. 

“It’s 2 A.M., of course you woke me up.” 

“Right. Sorry.” 

Heechul’s tone makes a knot form in Kyunghoon. “It’s fine. What did you want to talk about?” 

He can hear Heechul sniff on the other side, which worries him. He should be resting if he wants to recover quickly. There’s silence that follows and it doesn’t make him feel any better. 

“I don’t...I don’t even know. I shouldn’t be…God…”

Kyunghoon winces hearing the disembodied phrases being stringed together. “Heechul, is everything okay?” 

At this, Heechul’s brightly-colored defenses crumble before him. There’s more silence and it makes Kyunghoon stand up in the dark for some reason, like he’s going to run to wherever Heechul is. 

“Can you open your door?” 

Kyunghoon doesn’t even think twice and starts speeding out of his room, bumping into the house’s walls on his way out. He doesn’t give himself any time to process what’s happening before he can open the door and find Heechul sitting on his porch. His back is facing him and he turns at the sound of the door opening. Kyunghoon wants to smile at the sight of him but he can only frown at Heechul’s demeanor. 

Heechul gets to his feet, slightly wobbly, and Kyunghoon almost drops his phone when his instincts to catch Heechul by his elbows act faster than he can think. 

“Isn’t your mom home?” Heechul mumbles and Kyunghoon has to lean in to hear him. He can smell a lingering presence of soju when he does but he ignores it.

“She’s at Mr. Choi’s for the night.”

“Oh.”  

Kyunghoon slowly lets go of Heechul’s arms and takes him in. He’s in his yellow tracksuit and sneakers, a sight he’s strangely missed. His hair is almost a calculated mess, fluffed up and sticking out in the perfect places. Heechul moved it all to the front of his face, a habit he does when he’s too embarrassed to face anyone. He put his hands in his pockets and stood there, unmoving. 

“What’s wrong?”

The boy shakes his head and a stifled sob escapes him, like he had been holding it in since Kyunghoon answered the phone. It makes Kyunghoon jump. He has never seen Heechul cry. 

Kyunghoon gently takes both of his hands and lifts Heechul’s face up. It breaks his heart into pieces. He had been crying before he came here, he can tell. His eyes are already puffy and his face is red, perhaps from the cold but most definitely…

Fresh tears follow the tracks that were already made. Even now with his face fully in view of Kyunghoon, he’s still trying to hold it in. 

“Heechul…” 

The boy lets go of himself and his uneven breaths are seen in the cold air. Kyunghoon pulls him into the house by the wrist and hugs him, closing the door. Heechul falls against him and cries in the darkness. Kyunghoon is icy with panic filling his chest as he hugs Heechul and he’s helpless. He’s dizzy not feeling capable of handling what was happening. He can only let him cry in his shoulder and get his shirt wet with tears, like how Heechul has been letting him for what feels like is the whole time they’ve known each other. His sobs ring through the walls of the house.

They stay like this for a while.

Eventually, Heechul’s hands make their way out of his pockets and embrace Kyunghoon back. 

Quiet settles on the both of them and Kyunghoon loosens his arms around Heechul.

“I’m going to get you some water.”

Heechul says nothing and lets himself be pulled lightly by the hand into Kyunghoon’s room. Heechul sits and Kyunghoon goes into the kitchen, returning with a glass of water. Heechul downs at once and gives it back to Kyunghoon, who retrieves another. Heechul sips at this second glass, staring at the floor. 

Kyunghoon sits on his bed with about a foot between them. At this point he has no idea what he’s doing and he’s tired. It’s a mistake to look at Heechul because he’s looking right back at him and it’s an even bigger mistake to think he can hold his gaze. 

“Did it help? Crying?” Kyunghoon asks. 

Heechul bites his bottom lip and shakes head. Kyunghoon doesn’t say anything back because Heechul is right. He knows crying doesn’t help. It just hurts.The release of tears drags these big heaving breaths that burn your throat and lungs. It’s supposed to be cathartic, a sense of release of all of the bad things in you. It doesn’t feel like release. It’s a blade pointed at your chest that finally pushes itself in. Kyunghoon knows all of this. It was a stupid question to ask. 

“Is this about...your father?” 

Heechul turns his attention down to the floor again, his eyes watering. Whatever happened has traumatized him. 

Kyunghoon scoots closer to him. Their pinkies touch. Even though his heart pounds against his chest, Kyunghoon lets their fingers naturally gravitate towards one another and interlocks their hands. He does for Heechul what is usually done to him, which is rub circles on his knuckle with his thumb. 

“It went that badly, huh?” 

Heechul scoffs like he gave understatement of the year. “Yeah.” 

Kyunghoon is overtaken by something and puts his head on Heechul’s shoulder, like how he did on the bus.

Heechul lets go of Kyunghoon to cover his face with his hands. He’s crying again and shaking his head. 

“Don’t talk about it if you don’t want to.” Kyunghoon tells him. 

Heechul sniffs, finding it hard to find words around his breaths. “I just…” 

It’s really, really strange to see Heechul at such a total loss for words and Kyunghoon has no idea what to make of it.

Heechul swallows hard. He keeps looking back at Kyunghoon, but tears start to pool in his eyes again. Kyunghoon watches him try to blink them away. 

“Come here,” Kyunghoon says quietly, putting an arm around his shoulders and pulling him in. 

They lie in the bed together, Heechul’s face tucked away against Kyunghoon’s chest. Their arms locked in place around each other and legs tangled with the blanket. Their faces are so close together they can feel the other’s breath on their cheek.

It’s oddly familiar, this. 

Heechul lets out scattered hiccups every so often as they stay like this, with Kyunghoon carding his fingers through Heechul’s hair. He closes his eyes. Heechul has managed to close his eyes as well at the touch. He suddenly tightens his arms around Kyunghoon. 

“You don’t deserve this...” Heechul mumbles into him repeatedly, like he’s repenting. Kyunghoon tries very hard not to think much of it. 

“It’s okay,” is all he can say. 

They stay like this for a long time; Heechul’s face tucked into Kyunghoon’s shoulder, Kyunghoon gently cradling Heechul’s head. Kyunghoon is careful not to hug him too hard or make him feel restrained, anticipating the moment that Heechul will begin to pull away -- but he doesn’t. He hangs on so tightly it almost hurts. Kyunghoon tries not to react, tries not to move an inch, worried that if he does the dream will end and Heechul will struggle away for having shown weakness. But he doesn’t let go, and so Kyunghoon doesn’t either. 

 Heechul’s tears seep through Kyunghoon’s shirt once more before their breathing evens out steadily together, falling asleep. 

That following morning, when grey dawn seeps past his curtains and falls on his sheets, Kyunghoon wakes up to an empty bed. 

Later, one would realize that was it.

That was the moment we began to say goodbye. 

--

Winter break is coming the following week and Jungsoo couldn’t be more relieved. It means a day closer to New Year’s, when he finally turns into an adult, he can have a good time with his friends, and graduation would only be a month away from there. What lies ahead makes the colder weather seem a little warmer to him. Seeing his friends feel the same way makes his heart soar. Still, life never leaves him. 

Jungsoo settles his belongings on his desk with Youngwoon next to him, overhearing conversations from his friends sitting around him. There are times he tunes them out because he simply can’t keep up with the conversations that move far quicker than a normal one would. It’s not even 8 A.M. yet and they’re causing a ruckus over useless things.

“Why the hell wouldn’t you eat bungeo-ppang without the filling?” Jongwoon says, getting louder as he speaks. 

Hyukjae is smiling but with mock-defenseful eyes. He’s messing with him like usual. “What? The bread part is just as good! It’s the best part, actually.”

Jongwoon turns to the others around them and points a wagging finger at Hyukjae. “What’s with him?”

Kyuhyun presses his lips into a thin line and adjusts his glasses. “I don’t know why you guys are arguing over something so arbitrary.”

Hyukjae stopped smiling. “Something so what?”

Hankyung snorted. “Dumbass.” Youngwoon and Ryeowook laugh at this and Hyukjae scratches the back of his head, even more confused. 

Siwon’s eyebrows knit in thought, using that class-president brain he worked so hard to get and is now failing him this early in the day. “Something random, basically. I think.” He takes his phone out to search the word up. 

Jongwoon ignores this, sending a glare at Hyukjae. “Shouldn’t you be practicing for your dance routine for graduation or something? Why are you even here?”

“I should be asking the same thing, since you’re leading the graduation song.” Hyukjae smirked. He then frowned, jutting his lips out, and whined in a hollow tone while singing the lyrics. The reaction it provoked was next to what would be considered an explosion. 

Heechul perked up from his desk. “Hey, you know what?”

They all turn to him. 

“Think it’d be super cool if you all shut the fuck up.” He turned his back toward them and rested his head on his desk. The others turn back, feeling slightly awkward that the rest of the class is looking at their corner of the room. Jungsoo continues to look at Heechul. 

“What’s up with him?” Donghae whispers to Jungsoo. “Should I go and ask?” 

Ryeowook hears this and waves his hand dismissively. “Probably nothing. It must be because Kyunghoon isn’t here yet.” 

Donghae frowns, unconvinced. “He hasn’t been like... himself lately. You know? For a while now, thinking ‘bout it...”

Since I told him that Kyunghoon is in love with him, Jungsoo corrects him in his head. He rubs his face with one hand regretfully. If he was at that moment just two weeks ago, he would have stopped himself. Possibly, he ruined their dynamic with that single blow of a declaration and Heechul hasn’t coped or figured out what to do with it. Since last weekend as well, he has seemed to fall ever further. He’s been snappier and wanting to be alone more. It’s behavior he’s scared of. Terrified, even. 

At this point, it’s probably up to Kyunghoon to figure it out for him, but he’s not even here yet. And he still wasn’t there when the bell rang. Or first period. 

Second period has started fifteen minutes ago now and Jungsoo is about to sit next to Heechul while doing personal work when the door opens. The class looks up and it’s Kyunghoon, but it’s not Kyunghoon. His glasses are broken in his hand, his shirt is messily untucked from all sides under the sweater he’s wearing. Jungsoo recognizes it; Heechul’s grey sweater with the frayed collar. Kyunghoon’s face is smeared with dirt, and his hair is unkempt. It’s like a replacement of him clawed its way out of the ground and walked in.

The room was silent when his feet dragged across the floor with his half-opened bag in tow. Everyone watched as their teacher scolded him, telling him that as a senior he shouldn’t be so late to class this deep into the year, finishing by making him sweep the room at the end of the day. He didn’t say anything, only bowed and nodded his head as she spoke. As he made his way down the aisle, Heechul’s eyes never left him. 

Jungsoo sat back down as the class resumed. He watched Kyunghoon sit clumsily on his chair, like his body was too heavy to carry himself anymore. He didn’t move after that, just stared at his desk. 

Heechul didn’t say anything either. He looked at him from the corner of his eye, a glint of fierceness behind it. His voice dropped to a whisper that no one could hear him but Kyunghoon. 

“What the fuck happened.”

Nothing.

“Who was it?”

Nothing.

“Kyunghoon, who do I have to hurt--”

“You’re not fighting anyone.” 

Heechul blinked. “What?”

“I already told you, no fighting. Let this pass. The year is almost over. Let this pass.”

That was by far the most ridiculous thing Heechul has heard all day but he didn’t say anything back. He continued to observe Kyunghoon with concern. 

“Your lip is bleeding.” 

Kyunghoon wiped at his mouth lazily with his shirt sleeve, which did nothing. Heechul’s fingers were tapping on his desk, his voice gradually getting louder. 

“Why didn’t you go to the medic’s office?” 

“I’m fine.”

“Bullshit, you could barely walk through the door.”

“Shh, keep your voice down.”

“Don’t tell me to shush-- ”

“Kyunghoon,” Jungsoo stood up from his seat. “Let’s go to the bathroom. I’ll help you clean up.” 

Heechul’s fingers stopped. Kyunghoon gives one more look at Heechul before placing his crooked glasses on his desk and shuffling to Jungsoo. 

Jungsoo brought his own jacket and draped it over Kyunghoon, confused as to why he doesn’t have his own. Schools don’t turn on the heating once during the day, everyone knows that, and the winter weather is never kind to the building. 

The two are walking in the hall side by side to the bathroom, Kyunghoon looking down as he did. To Jungsoo, he was looking similar to the boy he saw this time last year and it made his stomach churn. 

“Where’s your jacket?” he asked, treading lightly in his words.

Kyunghoon was silent at first but said, “I left it at home.” 

“It’s pretty cold today. You should’ve brought it.” Don’t. “Heechul said you get cold easily.”

Kyunghoon stiffened at the mention of him. 

They walk in the bathroom, Jungsoo bending down to make sure none of the stalls were occupied, and began dabbing the dried blood from Kyunghoon’s nose and the corner of his mouth with a damp paper towel. He has become something of an accidental nurse, cleaning wounds from his friends for years, so this is routine for him. On top of being able to tell how one was hit by doing so. 

“Right on the jaw, huh?” He tisked. “At least it wasn’t your nose. You gotta preserve that. It’s a good nose. Mine sucks.” 

Kyunghoon forced a small smile in response. Jungsoo lightly pressed the paper towel on his lip to stop the bleeding and backed up slightly, observing him. His uniform was dirty, like he rolled in dirt, or someone threw him around. 

“Two guys?”

“They came out of nowhere.”

Jungsoo stills, looking at Kyunghoon again. He’s staring at nothing as if recounting everything in his head, the film reel rolling over and over again. 

‘I don’t...I don’t even know why... Why ?” Kyunghoon’s face twists in confusion. And hurt. Jungsoo is confused too. This kid has never done a wrong thing in his life, that much is clear to him at this point. 

“Do you know them?” Jungsoo asked, tapping his fingers on the sink. 

Kyunghoon shook his head. “Not really. It was those guys from last time, I don’t even know them…” 

Last time? Jungsoo thought. If this ‘last time’ refers to when Heechul, so suddenly, ran out of the classroom and appeared later that night at home with a busted lip, then he assumes it was whoever they were. He shakes his head to dismiss the feelings of guilt from not prying what had happened to him at that moment. Now that he’s thinking about it, there’s a number of things Jungsoo hasn’t asked him about yet. The sound of Kyunghoon’s sniffles breaks his train of thought.

“How did they even know we were there?” he asks, his voice quiet and strained. “How did they see us? Why did they…” 

Jungsoo stares at him as Kyunghoon tries to hold back his own tears. He continues to clean up a cut above his eyebrow. 

“I’m so sorry this happened to you,” Jungsoo says. It’s all he really can say. “You aren’t walking right. Did they kick at your sides or something like that?”

Kyunghoon takes a deep breath and starts to fiddle with the ends of his shirt sticking out from under his (Heechul’s.) sweater. 

“I don’t...I don’t really want to think about it anymore.”

Jungsoo lifted the paper towel in his hand from Kyunghoon’s face. “Alright then,” He watches the tense line of Kyunghoon’s shoulders relaxing as the topic drops itself. He ushers him towards the bathroom door. “Let’s get you some proper treatment.”

“Thanks.” 

Jungsoo looks after the boy carefully as they make their way down the flights of stairs to the first floor. When he first met him, he judged Kyunghoon to be quiet at first. The feeling remained throughout middle school, simply seeing him from a distance as just another student, then later only knowing him by a tragedy he feels he never should have known. It’s when last year that Heechul introduced him fully to their group that the illusion was quickly broken. 

Kyunghoon had wormed his way into Heechul’s affections at a very rapid rate, almost immediately, entangling him in his sweet (almost crude) jokes and his ticklish laugh. Easily, he gets others caught up in it all when his eyes are full with as much depth as darkness that Jungsoo doesn’t have the capacity to know. 

If only Kyunghoon knew who those guys were, they’d get the accountability they deserved. The thought almost angers Jungsoo when he thinks about it. 

Jungsoo is sent back to class when he takes Kyunghoon to the medic’s office. He just hopes he can go home and rest. By the time he made it back to homeroom, Heechul was leaning against the wall next to the door, waiting. Jungsoo stops him with his hand before Heechul can say anything. 

“He’s fine but confused. Don’t pressure him to say anything.”

Heechul closes his half-opened mouth. “Well shit.”

“Yeah,” Jungsoo says walking past him to his own seat. “You were going to blow up back there. I saved him from your wrath.”

Heechul sneers, “Not funny.”

“Then stop losing your temper. You’re old enough to know that. Control it.”

“How can I stay calm when I know there’s someone hunting him down?”

“Actually, he said it’s two guys.”

“... What? ”

“It’s two--”

Heechul charged at Jungsoo and grabbed the front of his shirt with his fists before he could finish his sentence. Jungsoo is only mildly threatened but the only coherent thought his brain manages to form is that the class has seemed to be frozen in time, watching them. The teacher has stood up on her feet from her desk with her hands on her hips.

“Kim Heechul.” She says his name in a dangerous tone but he doesn’t disarm himself. 

Jungsoo stares right back into the boy’s eyes, who’s seeing red and searching. 

“You’re proving my point.” Jungsoo whispered. 

Heechul’s fists holding his shirt shake before dropping him back down, raking the same hand through his hair. The room that was holding its breath finally melted back into regularity. Jungsoo sees Donghae get up from his seat behind Heechul, but sits back down when Jungsoo mouths ‘ don’t’ at him.  

“It’s my fault,” Heechul breaths, pacing now. “Oh my God, this is on me.”

Jungsoo shifts at Heechul’s sudden panic. “What...What do you mean?” 

Heechul shakes his head. “I shouldn’t have went at them the first time. They’re provoking me now.” 

“Provoking you? Like you’re an animal?” 

Heechul clasps his hands behind his neck. Jungsoo laughs out of disbelief. He can’t help him here. The two stay silent after that. Their friends watch them from their seats. 

“What if we all just go after them? You know, out-number them,” Hyukjae suggests. “They’ve probably got rocks for brains anyway.” 

“No,” Heechul says sternly. “I’m not letting this get out of hand.” 

Heechul leaves the room, forcefully sliding the door closed, just when Jungsoo lifts his head to speak. He looks at his friends looking at him, back at the door, and at the floor. He sighs heavily. Maybe if Heechul were to tell him what he was thinking to do in moments like these, he wouldn’t feel so helpless. 

Chapter Text

Kyunghoon has been waiting in the main hall for his mother to text him that they are set to go home. He’s walking down the narrow path, trying to not let his feet drag like before. He’s already uneasy from his injuries that were assessed by the nurse and doesn’t want his mother to have a breakdown any worse than what it could possibly be if he acts how he feels right now. 

Suddenly, he hears running footsteps descending from the stairs behind him. He turns around. It’s Heechul, just now landing his feet at the other end of the hall.

“Heechul?” 

“Wait,” Heechul holds his hand out in front of him, making Kyunghoon stop himself from turning himself fully around to walk towards him. “Stay where you are.” 

Kyunghoon tilts his head. The silence between them stretches. Heechul is looking at him. Kyunghoon thinks he can hear the dust in the air fall by his ears. 

“What are you doing?” Kyunghoon whispers. He’s not sure why. 

“I’m…” Heechul starts. He slumps his shoulders and sighs, his gaze to the floor. “I don’t know what to do.” 

Kyunghoon takes a couple steps, beginning to close the far distance between them, but not too close. Heechul watches him, folding and unfolding his fists repeatedly.  

“Everything’s wrong,” he says. “Everything. All of it.” 

 Kyunghoon takes another couple of steps. 

“It’s ‘cause of me.” 

Only a few feet away from him. 

“Kyunghoon...”

Toe to toe with him now. He feels weak, but he lifts his hand to tug at the end of Heechul’s sweater and leaves it there. He looks at the bandaid on his palm and casts it downward. Heechul stares at it even when it’s out of sight. He looks up and meets Kyunghoon’s eyes. The longer he looks into them, his face subtly twists, slightly eyebrows drawn together. Kyunghoon doesn’t look away when Heechul’s fingers only just brush across his forehead, moving his hair that falls just over his eyebrows. There’s another bandaid there. 

It’s not your fault. None of it. 

Heechul scans his face, taking in every little feature, as if they will disappear before him. There’s something in his eyes that scares Kyunghoon: remorse. 

Heechul can barely get the words out; “I’m sorry.” 

Kyunghoon wants to ask what he means, but his phone vibrates in his pocket. When he looks down at the sound of it, Heechul starts to walk back up the stairs. His sweater slips from Kyunghoon’s hand.

--

Kyunghoon makes his way through the halls of the third floor, closely following Jungsoo. They’re on their way to find Ryeowook and Kyuhyun, who had been in one of the music hall’s practice rooms for the remaining hour of school before they’re officially out for winter break. Thank God. 

Turning one more corner, Kyunghoon peers around at the set of doors lined up with blinds covering the windows of each one. Looking inside must be rude, he assumes. He has never been here before, since he’s not an art student, but the thought of what could’ve happened if he did suddenly strikes him. It doesn’t last long however, as the sound of a piano grows closer to his ears.

Jungsoo stops at one of the doors and knocks, making the sound of the piano come to a stop. Whoever was paying was very skilled, going up and down the range of the keys with ease. 

“Guys! We’re leaving soon.” 

The door opens, revealing Sungmin to both Kyunghoon and Jungsoo’s surprise. 

“Sungmin, I thought you were waiting with everyone else like I said to.” Jungsoo starts to scold. 

When Sungmin begins to explain himself in between nervous laughter, Kyunghoon sticks his head around the doorframe. He sees it was Ryeowook playing the piano earlier as he sits in front of it, looking back at the conversation happening before all of them with not much interest. Kyuhyun is leaning against the wall next to him with about the same neutral expression. 

“Um...Ryeowook,” Kyunghoon murmurs, and to his surprise Ryeowook turns his head to him with those wide eyes of his. Kyunghoon musters a smile when their eyes meet. “I heard you play just now. You’re really good.” 

Ryeowook grins, his bubbly cheeks growing rounder, and sneaks himself around the argument at the door to Kyunghoon. “Thanks,” he says quietly. He looks back behind him at the now growing conversation, with Kyuhyun having suddenly stepped in at some point. Ryeowook snickers and gives Kyunghoon a cheeky wink, grabbing his coat and bag swiftly. “We should go before we get in that mess.” 

Kyunghoon quickly nods and steps to the side, offering Ryeowook more than enough room so he could get past the bickering without being seen. His height makes it easier, being significantly shorter than the others. 

Ryeowook puts his coat on and peers around Kyunghoon’s shoulder, not very subtly looking for someone. He doesn’t look Kyunghoon in the eye when he doesn’t see who he’s looking for. Kyunghoon clears his throat. 

“He’s not here.” 

Ryeowook nods, rubbing his neck sheepishly from being caught. “I figured…” A beat, and then the sound of his coat’s zipper. “Come on.”

The two scurry off, looking behind them before they’re out of sight. The sound of irritated voices could still be heard echoing in the empty halls when they make it to the end of the hall. 

Once they're further down the second floor’s stairwell, Ryeowook speaks. 

“I was rehearsing with Kyuhyun just now,” he says. “We’re in drama club, you know. It’s for the final musical before the year ends. You should come see, if you can. Shindong is one of the student directors, along with other people in our grade, which is cool. Oh, and Sungmin just came by to see if we needed help. I guess he’s bummed out he couldn’t do it this time around ‘cause of exams and whatever. He was really good in our Three Musketeers production last year, even with half of  the cast being sick. You should’ve seen it-- Hey, are you okay?”

Kyunghoon blinked and suddenly Ryeowook was bent down in front of him, meeting his eye level. Kyunghoon’s head was cast to his feet, unbeknownst to himself. He picks his gaze up right away and straightens his back.

“Jeez, I thought you were crying or something.” Ryeowook huffed. “I guess my blabbering got a bit much, huh? Sorry about that.” 

Kyunghoon shook his head but said nothing. Ryeowook begins to walk down the stairs again. He purses his lips in thought. 

“It’s just...It doesn’t seem like you have anyone to talk to these days. Or...you know what I mean. So you could think about something else. I thought I’d help. I don’t think it did, though.” 

“Is Jongwoon in the musical?”

Ryeowook’s mouth is agape, prepared to say something, but closes. He understands. 

“No, he’s not. He doesn’t do theatre. He’s more into classical music and stuff. He’s going to sing for graduation. Even Hyukjae and Donghae are going to dance with their group. And when Siwon gives his last speech as class president...Gosh. It’s going to be so weird. I don’t think anything is going to feel real, if that makes sense. Don’t you think so?” 

Kyunghoon smiles. “It’ll be good. It’s just the next step before...we move on.” 

--

It’s been about twenty minutes since the last bell for school has rang and winter break has begun. Kyunghoon had been walking with Heechul’s friends to the convenience store, further in the back to draw back a bit of attention. They always seemed to be on edge when he was around these days. 

The cold that seemed mild at first now numbed his face. It chilled his exposed fingers into clumsy numbness, seeping into his toes through his sneakers. The air was wicking his heat away faster than his body can replace it, the wind gaining more teeth despite the sun. Kyunghoon shudders and buries his hands deep into his pockets. He’s longing for someone to hold them, but he’s not there. He tucks his chin to his chest.

“They’re saying it’s gonna rain on New Year’s,” Hyukjae says ahead of him. “I don’t think we can do karaoke that night.” 

“We’ll just suck Siwon’s card dry like we always do and eat in!” Shindong reasons. The others hum in agreement and snicker when Siwon makes his exaggerated eyeball-popping face at him. 

“Anyone that can’t make New Year’s?” Youngwoon asks. “I have to estimate how many cases of beer I should bring.” Jungsoo pushes his bicep, making them both snicker. 

Hesitation. 

“I don’t think Heechul will be there,” Hankyung sighs. He shrugs. “You know, with Yujin and all.” 

Ah.

Over the past week or so, which felt like a month for Kyunghoon, Heechul had been hanging around less and less. Kyunghoon only found out he had got back with Yujin when Heechul entered class one minute before the morning bell. He leaned against the doorframe casually, slinging his arm over a pretty girl with iron-curled locks. The shape of her lightly-lined eyes curved like an angel’s wings. 

The second Kyunghoon looked up, Heechul placed a kiss on her forehead and whispered something in her ear, glancing at Kyunghoon as he did. She giggled in his neck. Kyunghoon thought he was going to pass out.

Heechul hasn’t sat next to him since. 

Kyunghoon took a day off from school, under the persuading of his ever-worrying mother, to take care of his injuries from that one very frightening morning. He didn’t foresee what that single day of absence could have resulted in. 

Yesterday, he got brave and sat in the empty seat next to Heechul. He did what they usually do when wanting to talk during class, which was to write in the corner of his notebook page. He wrote ‘what’s wrong?’ for lack of better words to voice his overall hurt and tried to look at him. Heechul didn’t do the same and erased it after a moment. 

It wasn’t as though he was being particularly malicious. He was cold, unresponsive. That was worse. Heechul knew how much Kyunghoon hated the cold. 

He shook his head at the thought of him. 

After what felt like years of walking from the school gate, the group arrived at the convenience store. More importantly, shelter from the merciless weather. The boys sighed collectively as the door closed behind them, welcoming the warm air. They filed through the aisles, chattering in their after-school-winter-break-has-begun high. Kyunghoon bought himself a short-sticked chicken kabob and sat by the window. 

A finger pokes at Kyunghoon's left arm, making him turn suddenly. 

“Hey,” Jungsoo says in a hushed voice. “Are you gonna come over then? New Year’s?” 

Kyunghoon blinks at him. “Um…” He honestly doesn’t want to. “Yeah. Unless my mom is home.”  

Jungsoo smiles kindly in response. He’s been really nice lately. “That’s good. I hope the rain doesn’t ruin the fun.”

Kyunghoon nods and turns back. Rain is the least of his concerns right now. 

--

The smile he makes for her is of warmth. Their  warmth. The one that only they know, the one only they can remember. It’s for no one else and it should stay that way, almost sacred. But when he smiles at her in the way he does, it’s as if he’s giving away the warmth to her instead. It was theirs to keep and now Kyunghoon must share it with someone he doesn’t even know. 

He keeps it locked away with the photos he took, on the camera that was given to him, from the one person that deserves to see them. Moments are recorded in lyrics he wrote, after not writing for so long. Maybe if he had bragged about it he wouldn’t feel like such a secret, because Heechul doesn’t even look at him anymore. 

As he watches her hold his hand, and his arm wrap around her shoulder, the warmth of him strays further away into dreams. Kyunghoon can convince himself it never happened all together but he can still smell him in his sweater. He’s reminded that it’s winter and winters are cold, cold, cold. 

Kyunghoon doesn’t hate Yujin. Not even a little bit. He wishes he could, desperately, unknowingly. But she’s just so kind, pretty. She walks and even that alone is graceful. There’s no reason not to like her…

And still, he wishes.

Chapter Text

Kyunghoon sat on the floor of the hospital with his hands clasped together to his chest. He had not been praying. He had not been hoping, not even for a moment. It’s just that no one was there to hold him but himself.

He could hear his mother, wailing and speaking in a way he couldn’t understand. Or, rather, in a way he had never heard her that everything that’s coming out of her mouth seems completely foreign to him. Even now, he can’t hear her. He can’t hear a word she’s saying. 

‘Family must identify him before we can proceed with the investigation,’ the police had told them. ‘Please.’ 

Except he couldn’t go in. He couldn’t walk through those steel doors that were said to have his father’s body inside. He could only listen to his mother and brother wail from the other side. 

I want to go in, he thought at the time. But why won’t I Iet myself go in? 

Deep inside he knew he was still afraid of his father. Seeing him lifeless would not ease the fear; he would haunt him forever. 

But there were still things he wanted to say. Things he wanted to tell him that his fear had held him back from saying, things he wanted to ask him, so why is it that in this crucial moment he couldn’t think of a single word? 

Kyunghoon began to stand. The officers turned their heads in caution and he ignored whatever they were saying to him. His legs wobbled as if he’d been running up a hill for miles and miles with no rest. As he stood, his hands went to his side, and he bent forward, tucking his chin into himself. He faced the closed steel doors.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

Kyunghoon saw the tears that fell from his eyes hit the hospital floor, reflecting back up at him through the luminescent lights. His flattened hands curled into shaking fists. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

And it still wasn’t enough.

--

Kyunghoon felt his mother’s hands rub circles on his back. They lied together on the couch, ignoring the T.V. and the New Year’s Eve variety special playing on low volume. Her eyes were closed as if she was sleeping, but Kyunghoon knew she was only trying to sleep. Trying to not stay awake for too long on this particular night. He wished he could will himself into doing the same. 

“Mom.”

“Hm.”

“You’re awake, right?”

“Now I am.”

Kyunghoon continued to look at her and his hands clasped together between them. 

“I don’t know what to do.”

“About what?”

“Right now. I don’t know what I should do.”

“Is it about that person? The special one.”

Kyunghoon’s toes fidgeted. “It’s always about that person.” 

She pulled him in closer. “I told you. Do what makes you happy.”

“But I don’t know if I’ll actually be happy if I do.”

“Do what? Confess?” 

Kyunghoon’s eyes widened.

“That’s what you want to do, isn’t it?”

His mother’s voice was always low when speaking to him. The vibration was so trustworthy he could bet his life on her voice, her words. Her comfort. 

“I guess when you say it like that...”

Kyunghoon felt her beginning to sit up and he sat up with her. He felt her hands move to his shoulders.

“I see it. Your face. How well you express yourself without saying anything,” she said. “Since you were a child, I could always tell what you were thinking like an open book. I still can.”

Kyunghoon’s gaze turned down. She met his eyes again.

“Sometimes you don’t need words. For you, your face is all that a confession needs.” 

Her warm palms moved to his cheeks. 

“Do you understand what I mean, son?” 

Kyunghoon blinked. And blinked again. He moved his mother’s hands away from him gently. 

“I need to go somewhere.”

--

“I’m changing my name,” Jongwoon declared. “If I’m gonna be a singer, the one I have right now just won’t do.”

Jungsoo nodded along with Donghae drooling on his bare shoulder. He didn’t move. 

“He’s so wasted I don’t even think he heard anything you said!” Sungmin laughed. Jongwoon raised a weak fist at him, earning more laughs from him. 

Jungsoo decided to drink for the first time in about three years. He promised himself he wouldn’t drink anymore, especially if he was going to keep his friends safe from themselves. This year, however, everyone persuaded him into ‘one last shot to high school,’ so he went for one. And another one. And another. And then he lost count. 

He lazily checked his phone and brought it centimeters to his face to see the time. Just a little under 45 minutes until midnight. Was he even going to hear the countdown in his state, he wasn’t sure. All he knows is he hasn’t felt this relaxed in years. 

A couple guys whipped past him. Probably more delivery food, he thought. He smacked his lips and sipped from an empty cup. The second his taste buds couldn’t sense any liquid, his consciousness seemed to zap itself back into the present. Oh, what a mistake that was. 

“Jungsoo! Kyunghoon came!” 

Jungsoo’s head whipped over his shoulder, effectively making Donghae’s head knock onto the floor. 

Kyunghoon stood amongst the rest of the drunken group, ears red and chest heaving, taking heavy breaths. Had he run all the way here? Jungsoo grinned.

“I’m glad you could make it--”

“Where is he?”

Jungsoo shifted. 

“Who?”

“Him. You know.”

Jungsoo laughed from the sudden forwardness in Kyunghoon’s attitude. He walked through the door intending to spend zero time on what he came for and Jungsoo knew that. He knew. They both knew. Jungsoo couldn’t let it happen. Not now, not like this.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

Kyunghoon huffed. “Heechul. He’s not here. Where is he.” 

Jungsoo couldn’t help but laugh again. The alcohol wasn’t allowing him to act accordingly, to say what needed to be said. 

“Heechul?” Hankyung perked up from the couch. “He told me he’d be at the rooftop. I told him it’s too cold but he still went-- Hey, wait!”

Kyunghoon didn’t let him finish his sentence before running out the door again. 

Every step up the stairwell seeped deeper and deeper with every stride Kyunghoon made. Maybe it was his own adrenaline, but the railings seemed to warp and twist in a way that  was closer to a hallucination, so maybe this wasn’t actually happening. Maybe this is another dream. Dreams in which Heechul told him things he never said to him when he was awake in the real world, but even then some things, a lot of things, Heechul said to him when he was fully awake seemed to be out of dreams too. Reassuring words and promises that Kyunghoon also agreed to that can’t be kept. Somehow always sounded like the truth whenever they were said because Heechul in dreams and reality had always wanted to sound like the most earnest person in the world, in Kyunghoon’s whole life. He couldn’t help but latch onto every word because Heechul always seemed to know how to say the right things. Maybe that’s why he’s not scared right now. 

The door leading to the rooftop had been pushed open by Kyunghoon. He stumbled out, meeting his breath in the air, hitting him back in the face. After catching his breath, he looked around and found him, looking out over the edge. He was never a hard person to find. Kyunghoon was sure that even if Heechul disappeared into the world, he would still be able to find him in a crowd of millions. 

“Heechul.”

It was quiet; the way he would say his name when they were alone in the school halls, how he would say his name in class when he didn’t understand something, how he’d get his attention amongst his endless number of noisy friends. A whisper Kyunghoon can trust that one person, the most important person, would hear. 

Heechul turned his head to him. There was a cigarette in his mouth but it wasn’t lit, just hanging loosely off of his lips. 

“Kyunghoon.” 

Neither of them moved from where they were standing. The cold, night air swept through their silence, filling in the gaps that seem to extend for hours between them. Kyunghoon didn’t mind. He has always cherished their quiet moments. 

“Kyunghoon,” Heechul said again. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and dropped it to the concrete. “There’s something you need to hear from me.” 

“Me too,” Kyunghoon said quickly. “I...You need to hear from me too.” 

Heechul was about to continue but closed his mouth. He put his hands in his pockets. 

“Go ahead.” 

Kyunghoon stood unmoving for another moment. His resolve was fleeing from him and phrases he deemed worthy were fading, but he shook his head. He looked down.

“No, you first. I can wait.” 

The sound of Heechul’s scoff made Kyunghoon look up again. He felt his eyebrow twitch. 

“You’ll wait, you say?” Heechul’s head tipped to the side, observing Kyunghoon. Not in the way that he was used to, however. This felt mean. It was mocking. Kyunghoon gripped on his sweater. 

“What’re you, a dog?”

“W-what?”

“You’ll sit and wait for me? You’ll wag your tail for me?”

“Stop it.”

Kyunghoon didn’t realize it but Heechul had stepped closer. He was only a few feet from him now. Heechul’s expression had changed, drastically, from malicious to pitiful. Kyunghoon felt himself begin to sweat for some reason. 

“Just how long did you think this was going to go for?” Heechul asked him, his lips pouted. “What, ‘you’ll wait?’ What the fuck do you think I am?” 

Kyunghoon’s head was spinning and spinning. What dream was this? 

“What do you mean ‘this?’” 

“You know. Us. Being friends. Or, well, me being friendly to you. God, you really made a fool out of me, huh?” 

Kyunghoon shook his head. “I don’t get it.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?” 

Kyunghoon’s knees buckled. The yell was like metal on metal scraping against each other, like a car accident. A terrible, terrible car accident. 

“What-- wh- Heechul--”

Kyunghoon’s sweater had been grabbed at the collar by Heechul, but Kyunghoon couldn’t seem to see him. His face was blurry. His vision had put a mosaic over him, like this was a stranger. 

“You listen to me,” Heechul hissed. “I’m done having to drag you around and with you following my ass everywhere I go. I’m done talking to you. I’m done acting like a good person ‘cus I’m not, I never was. You hear me? Huh? ANSWER ME--”

“You’re a good person to me.”

Their faces were inches from each other. Kyunghoon’s shaking hands were wrapped around Heechul’s, gripping at his sweater. Heechul’s sweater. It was Heechul’s and Kyunghoon was wearing it and he hadn’t stopped wearing it ever since Heechul said ‘it looks better on you than it does on me.’ When Heechul had been kind. When Heechul was Kyunghoon’s knight. 

Kyunghoon detached the other from him, still holding onto his hands. Heechul didn’t try moving away. His fingertips were ice. 

“Heechul, what’s wrong,” Kyunghoon asked quietly. “Just tell me, huh?”

Kyunghoon wrapped his hands tighter around Heechul’s. The hands that used to keep his warm in cold hours like this. The hands that patted his back through his tears, through his darkness. Hands that were always so gentle to him. 

“You haven’t talked to me in so long. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get you to even look at me. Is it because of Yujin? I don’t hate her. Not at all. I’m sorry. Tell me. Please, tell me. Please...”

Kyunghoon’s forehead fell onto Heechul’s shoulder. 

“Whatever it is, I’ll be here. You’ve been here for me this whole time. Why can’t I do the same for you? Can’t I do that?”

Tears stained his shirt. Kyunghoon let out a shaky breath.

“Aren’t we friends?” 

Heechul’s fingers curled in Kyunghoon’s hold. 

“I’m tired.” 

“Of what?”

“Of you. I’m tired of you.” 

Kyunghoon felt cold hands slip from him. Heechul stepped back, his eyes narrowed. 

“Didn’t you ever think after all of your trauma-dumping, all of your episodes, all of your bullshit, did you ever think about me? How I felt having to keep taking your bullshit over and over again?” 

Kyunghoon grit his teeth. “You’re lying.”

“Am I? Are you that selfish to think you did nothing? Does being ill cover your ass from that?”

“Why are you lying to me?”

“I’m not fucking lying to you. I’m tired of you.”

“What are you not telling me, Heechul?”

Kyunghoon took a hold of Heechul’s hands again, and again, Heechul didn’t pull away.

“Please, just tell me. I can help you.”

Heechul’s eyes widened with fury. No matter how much Kyunghoon looked into them, it was real. He was angry. Heechul was angry at him.

“You? Help me?” Heechul snatched Kyunghoon’s wrists and squeezed them with enough strength to make Kyunghoon yelp. “ You? ” 

Kyunghoon looked at him, his eyes half closed from the pain of Heechul’s hands. 

“I’m gonna say it once, so listen carefully.” 

Heechul tightened his hold.

“Stay away from me. Stay far, far away from me.” 

Kyunghoon’s eyes watered with fresh tears. 

“Say yes.”

“You’re hurting me--”

“SAY IT.”

Kyunghoon shook his head, causing the brimming tears to fall freely. The tips of his own fingers were numbing. 

“Don’t make me make you say it.”

Kyunghoon closed his eyes. 

Several seconds went by and he felt something hard slam into his stomach, making him fall to his knees. Another hit and his head hit the ground. Instinctively, he reached for his side but was swiftly hit there too. He was on his back now. He felt his face get bashed, then again, then again. His arms had moved away from his sides at some point and he was hit there again too, again and again and again. He curled into himself but was opened back up by a hit to his chest, making him gasp for air. He kept his eyes closed. 

Ah. I didn’t tell him.

He doesn’t know when, but he couldn’t feel anything anymore. He couldn’t hold himself. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t hear. He could only try, try, to open his eyes. His vision was blurred but he could make out a body on the ground a little farther from him, with other bodies around it. He couldn’t see what they were doing or who they were. All he knows is that everything stopped. 

Before he fell asleep, he felt the wind of being lifted up slowly. He opened his eyes again. 

It was snowing. 

--

Kyunghoon was new. He was new to the neighborhood, new to the people, new to the school and its students. He was new at making friends and keeping them. He was new at opening himself up to others. He was new to accepting others. 

He was new to holding hands. He was new to smiles. He was new to whispers made for him, laughter made by him, tears for him. 

He was new to love. 

END OF PART ONE