Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lance slumped down on the edge of his bed, running his hands through his hair before resting with his head in his hands. They had just finished training and everyone had done great…

...Except Lance.

Even Hunk admitted he could’ve done better. Lance fought back an overwhelming urge to cry. He couldn’t be thought of as a crybaby. He thought about leaving, but he knew that they would track him down and bring him back. Besides, he wouldn’t be able to leave without taking Blue with him, and then they couldn’t form Voltron even if they replaced him.

Replace him.

He knew it was likely, they probably all wished they could replace him. But they couldn’t unless Lance was gone. But he couldn’t just leave. The only other option was dying. To die he would have to die in battle, right? Lance knows that isn’t true. Maybe he should…

Lance has an idea. He stands up briskly and pulls on his jacket. He wipes away any small tears and clears his throat, opening his door, and briskly walking out. Everyone had gone to their rooms. 

First stop, Pidge’s room. He knocks carefully on the door and waits. For a moment no one answers, but then Pidge opens the door, a tired look in her eyes, and raises an eyebrow, her glasses missing from her face. 

“Oh, hey, Lance.” She checked her clock “It’s late, what’s up?”

Lance shrugs “Training was tough on me today, I guess, just came by to say ‘Goodnight’ to my favorite genius!” He plastered on a smile he wasn’t feeling. Pidge smiled in return.

“Oh, well, goodnight, Lance.” She yawned “Training will be better tomorrow. I’ll see you in the morning!” Lance nodded and Pidge closed her door again. Lance sighed. One down, five more to go.

He stopped by Coran’s room. He could hear noises coming from inside so he knew Coran wasn’t sleeping. He opened the door himself this time, seeing as Coran never locked it. “Hey, Coran. What’re you working on?”

Coran turned to Lance with a smile, twisting his mustache “Hello, Number Three! We have a training day planned out all tomorrow, and I’m working on some of the needed mechanics!” Lance chuckles lightly at Coran’s enthusiasm. 

“Yeah, good luck with that. The team’s gonna need it.” He pauses. Will they need to train without him? They already work well together, the only problem is Lance. “I’m gonna go lights out.”

“Probably for the best, my friend, tomorrow is going to be a long day!”

Lance nodded and left without another word. Two down, four to go. Allora was the next closest so he went there, but she was fast asleep. He scribbled down a quick note. ‘ Sorry I did so bad with training today. The rest of the team will be better tomorrow. ’ It wasn’t enough. He knew that. He should put more, he needed to tell her more. He wanted to thank her for a place he felt like he wasn’t useless, even if that feeling didn’t last, he wanted to tell her she was going to make a difference, he needed to tell her she was amazing, and she was strong. But he couldn’t find any of the right words. He had to leave. He left.

At Hunk’s room Lance just walked in and wrapped him in a hug before he could say anything. Hunk hugged him back and once they pulled apart, Hunk raised an eyebrow.

“You okay, man?"

Lance nodded “Yeah. Long day.” He explained briefly. Hunk nodded in agreement.

“Hey, me too, man.” Hunk paused “Maybe we should sleep it off. Tomorrow will be better.”

Lance sighed and put on a small smile “Agreed. G’night, Hunk.”

“Night, Lance!” Hunk sat on the edge of his bed and yawned and Lance took this as his leave. This was going to make them happier, that’s why he was doing it. It was going to make them happy. He had to remind himself that, because every time he spoke with another one of them he couldn’t help but break a little bit inside. He would never see them again.

Lance stopped in front of another door. Shiro. His idol for years. He had gotten so angry with Lance’s performance during training that day. Lance inhaled sharply and knocked, his breath catching when the door opened.

“Lance.” Shiro greeted flatly.

“Hey, Shiro.” Lance swallowed hard and cleared his throat “I want to apologize for training. I don’t know what got into me.” He lied, he did know. He screwed up at the beginning, on accident, and his own thoughts distracted him.

“I do. You were distracted. You have got to keep your head in the game, Lance, or you’re going to get yourself or someone else killed in an actual battle.”

Lance nodded “I understand. It won’t be an issue again.” at least that time he wasn’t lying. Shiro nodded in a ‘You better be right’ type of way “I,” he paused “Goodnight, Shiro.”

Shiro didn’t respond. He’d later wish he did, but for now Lance just left the room. He kicked the wall on his way to the last stop. The stop he’d been avoiding. Keith.

Lance took a deep breath and knocked. Keith angrily opened the door, he looked tired. Lance felt guilty.

“What.” it was flat and deadpanned. Lance flinched.

“I just wanted to say good night, jerk.” He stuck out his tongue.

Keith rolled his eyes “Yeah, sure, what do you really want?”

Lance bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to go home. He wanted them to forget him. He wanted to tell them they wouldn’t have to worry anymore, “I want to stop being useless.” He nearly whispered.

This was, clearly, not what Keith had expected, but he moved away from the door silently, allowing Lance to come inside. Lance raised an eyebrow and came in. The door closed behind him.

“You are a member of Voltron. You aren’t useless, you’re a paladin.”

Lance looked up at the ceiling, exasperated. “Is that it? Anyone could be a paladin if they tried. I’m a foot , Keith! A foot! I don’t do anything right! I get people hurt, I’m a terrible pilot, I-”

“-Need to shut up.” Keith cut him off, his glare was less angry, but it wasn’t gone “Not anyone can be a paladin. The blue lion chose you-”

“-because I was available-”

“-because she knew that you could make a difference. Are you seriously that stupid?”

Lance glared at the ground and fought back tears “Yeah. Yes, I am. I am stupid enough to know that I’d be easy to replace.” He stormed out. Once the door was closed Keith shook his head, shrugging it off as another one of his attention grabbing outbursts, and went to bed.

Right outside, Lance stared at the door, wiping away tears. ‘ Goodbye, Keith. ’

Lance basically ran to his room, shutting and locking the door. He wrote down a note and put it on his bed stand. He grabbed the knife he had stolen from Hunk in the kitchen the first time he had thought about… this. “Not exactly how I thought I’d go out, but it will do.” he smirked painfully to himself, tear after tear streamed down his face, blurring his vision. He pressed the blade firmly against his wrist, one slash. Quick to move to the next wrist, two slash.

He dropped the knife, it hurt, but something caused him to feel a release of joy. He no longer would be a burden on the team. They would finally be happy. His deep red blood hit the carpet, his head light, he tumbled down, sitting on the ground, his back resting against his bed, his slashed wrists facing up. Lance passed out, feeling himself slowly slipping away. The last thing he remembered was Blue calling out to the other lions, and the overwhelming feeling that the lions were warning the others. Out of the corner of his eye he could see his note.

'I know this isn’t ideal, you’ll have a hard time cleaning out the blood. I’m sorry. I’m less sorry that I did it, though. I needed to. You needed me to. Now you can replace me with a better blue paladin. Maybe you’ll mourn for a little bit, a part of me hopes you will, but it doesn’t matter. You’ll forget me, or you’ll at least stop caring. You’ll move on. I’m sorry I was such a time consumer for nothing. I’m glad I got to know you for the time I did.

Allora, you gave me a sense of purpose when I needed it most, you gave me the chance to be a pilot, even though I was a horrible one. You are strong, and I believe in your ability to make a difference. Keep fighting. The universe needs you.

Coran, you were a father away from my dad. I was so lucky to have you as my friend, and you were always so patient with me. You are an inspiration, to say the least.

Shiro, I always idolized you. You are strong, a good fighter, a great leader, and an inspirational friend. I didn’t know you for as long as I would’ve liked to have known you, but I am glad for the time I did get with you.

Hunk, you are a ball of joy. Absolute happiness in a time of darkness, and a great listener. I wish I had gotten to eat more of your amazing food and spend more time with you. You make a great Paladin, fighter, friend, and pilot. Don’t let anyone tell you anything else.

Pidge, when I found out you’re a girl I was surprised, but I shouldn’t have been. No guy could be nearly as kind, and absolutely genius as you. You are stubborn in all the right ways, and I believe you are going great places, kid. So don’t give up.

Keith, we never got along well, but I only hated you because I thought you’re the coolest person alive. You are a much better pilot than I ever was, you are a much better fighter. I remember you saying you had no one on Earth to miss you. Even if that’s true, people will miss you if you ever leave now. I’ll miss you, if a dead person can feel things. Tell Blue I love her for me?

Lance.'

Chapter Text

It was about one in the morning, Earth time, when Keith heard Red call out to him. The lions couldn’t really speak but, when he followed it’s calls, he ended up outside Lance’s door with the rest of the group running up close behind him, seemingly hearing the same calls. They had burst into the room, something had to be wrong if the castle and the lions all called them here, and Keith froze. 

Keith never freezes, but he couldn’t move. Shiro and Allora ran forward immediately. Keith wanted to. He couldn’t move. He began to shake violently as a new feeling overwhelmed him. A mix of panic, fear, anger, and sadness. His eyes welled with tears and he shook, he couldn’t move but he couldn’t stand anymore so he just collapsed to the ground, someone was trying to help him but wasn’t doing much because they were nearly sobbing as well. Keith was the first one to notice the note.

He forced himself to stand, stumbling towards Lance’s unmoving body. He helplessly tried to shake off Hunk’s hand holding him back as Shiro picked up Lance, pushing through them, “We have to get him to the healing pods!” Shiro shouted, panic rising in his voice.

“The healing pod can’t bring people back…” Coran muttered, his eyes filled with tears and his face solemn. 

“We have to try!” Shiro’s voice broke. Keith bit hard on the inside of his cheek to stop the rising sob in his throat.

“Shiro,” Allora’s voice was dropped to a whisper, she was staring at the ground as tears fell, and fell. “We’re too late.”

Shiro’s eyes bolted around the room and he choked, tears fell and he held Lance’s lifeless corpse to himself, “I’m so sorry…” he whispered.

Keith turned around to Hunk who still had a hand on his arm and buried his face into Hunk’s chest, letting out a sharp, loud sob. Hunk bawled and hugged him tightly. Pidge collapsed to her hands and knees as tears blurred her vision. Allora and Coran wrapped each other in tight hugs and Allora cried almost silently, aside from the occasional hiccup of a sob. Shiro sobbed as he held Lance tightly.

——

Hours later, Allora found Pidge scrubbing at the bloodstains on Lance’s floor. She tried to pull the younger one away, but Pidge was like a rock, “Come on, Pidge…”

“Lance doesn’t like his floor dirty,” Pidge muttered, trying to pull her arms out of Allora’s grasp. 

“Pidge…”

“I have to clean it, for when he gets back.”

“Pidge,” Allora cried, a sob scraping against her throat. Pidge stopped pulling away, instead turning and wrapping her arms around the other.

“I said I would never lose another person. I promised myself.”

“I know, Pidge… I know.”

——

“He’s just… he was just a kid, Coran. They all are,” Shiro’s expression was blank, his eyes sullen. Coran hadn’t stopped crying, still wiping tears constantly and trying his best to be there for the others.

“We dragged you into this… if we had just let you go home. This isn't your fight. If we hadn’t made it your fight he would… he would still be…”

“It’s not your fault,” Shiro shook his head, pulling Coran into a hug, “None of us checked in, none of us saw. We should’ve seen. I should have seen it.”

“He told me that the team would need the new training tech today, he didn’t say ‘we’ he said ‘the team’. I should’ve talked to him longer-“

That is when Shiro started to cry again, “I never said goodnight. He came and apologized for screwing up training and I scolded him and glared at him, and then he did this- He came to say goodbye and I blew him off.”

——

Hunk’s in the kitchen, hoping that cooking would help him not breakdown again, but Lance’s note repeated in his mind over and over again. He cried more when he saw the chair at their table that would be empty forever going forward. Lance’s share. He wasn’t right, he would never be replaced. Hunk knew that. They’d give up Voltron as a whole before replacing him. 

Hunk wasn’t good at controlling his emotions all the time, and that day was no exception. Sobbing uncontrollably against the countertop, he struggled to breathe. 

If only he had kept Lance in his room last night, he thought, if only he’d noticed that Lance needed someone.

If Hunk had noticed that, maybe it would have been different.

——

Keith was tucked under his covers, staring at the spot Lance had stood hours before, tears trickling over the bridge of his nose.

He knew that he fought often with the others, particularly Lance, but he loved them. He loved Lance. 

And his best friend was gone.

He cried more, heavier, like mourning a family member. He was mourning a family member, related or not .

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, “I should have made you stay, told you that you’re worth everything just for being you, that I like being on a team with you, that I love being here with you. I should have told you that I love you.”

——

“I love you too.”

———

Chapter Text

It was about one in the morning, Earth time, when Keith heard Red call out to him. The lions couldn’t really speak but, when he followed it’s calls, he ended up outside Lance’s door with the rest of the group running up close behind him, seemingly hearing the same calls. They had burst into the room, something had to be wrong if the castle and the lions all called them here, and Keith froze. 

Keith never freezes, but he couldn’t move. Shiro and Allora ran forward immediately. Keith wanted to. He couldn’t move. He began to shake violently as a new feeling overwhelmed him. A mix of panic, fear, anger, and sadness. His eyes welled with tears and he shook, he couldn’t move but he couldn’t stand anymore so he just collapsed to the ground, someone was trying to help him but wasn’t doing much because they were nearly sobbing as well. Keith was the first one to notice the note. Before he could reach for it, or even process its existence fully, his thoughts were interrupted by Coran’s voice, “He’s still breathing! We need to take him to the healing pods, Shiro-”

“I’ve got him,” Shiro wrapped his arms around Lance’s limp form, lifting him up and rushing out the door, the others scrambling after him. Keith grabbed the note on his way out.

They were, luckily enough, able to get him into a pod on time, and Coran said his chance of survival was super high. They all breathed a little easier after that, but it was the knowing that weighed on them now. Knowing that Lance thought this was better for them. Knowing they had some fault in what had happened, even if it wasn’t on purpose.

The next two weeks were the longest weeks of their lives. Despite the war, they didn’t leave the castle, walking around with tired eyes and smileless faces. Each of them spent hours with Lance, crying, talking, sometimes just sitting silently. 

“Please wake up soon,” Shiro overheard Pidge one night, her voice thick with tears. She looked up at Shiro and cried, “Why weren’t you nicer to him that night? He was trying his best!”

Shiro cringed, a pang going through his chest, but he didn’t respond, because he had nothing to say. Pidge cried, and eventually let Shiro help her to her room for bed.

It was Keith who was with Lance when he finally woke up, or more accurately, Keith who walked in on a very alive Lance. 

It was nearly three in the morning, or the equivalent to it up there, and Keith couldn’t sleep (he hardly slept at all for two weeks), and he didn’t know why that room was the room he decided to wander to, it had been almost habitual. He had opened the door and almost screamed at Lance sitting at the table, head in his hands.

“Lance?” Keith’s voice cracked, hoarse and dry. Lance’s head snapped up, a smile on his face and sadness in his eyes.

“Hey.”

“I should go wake everyone-”

Lance jumped up as Keith turned to leave, grabbing his hand, “Wait!” Keith turned back, “Stay for a second?”

“Of course,” Keith breathed, stepping forward and hugging the other tightly, “I’m so sorry.”

“Why?”

“I should have… Lance, you’re so much more than a paladin, you know that, right? You’re a good paladin. But you’re also you , and you’re funny, kind, and caring. How could you think we didn’t want you?”

“Do you?”

“Yes,” Keith breathed, holding Lance tighter, “Of course.”

They sat together and talked for a couple of hours at least, crying, holding each other, figuring out what to do next, how to approach the others.

It was early morning when the others called for breakfast, and Lance told Keith to go ahead. That he would be there soon.

Keith was reluctant to leave him alone, but Lance insisted that if he wasn’t there in five minutes Keith could come back.

Everyone was sitting and eating breakfast, a heaviness in the air, as it had been, “You seem in a better mood, Keith,” Allora smiled sadly, “I’m glad.”

“I’d like to think I have some sort of hand in that,” Lance grinned from the doorway, but his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Oh, my god,” Pidge gaped. Allora looked like she’d seen a ghost, and Shiro was already on his feet by the time Hunk started crying. Coran’s eyes brightened ever so slightly, and Keith suppressed a real smile for the first time in what seemed like forever.

Lance was enveloped in tight hugs in a matter of seconds, drowning in physical affection from his worried teammates. His family.

“I’m sorry-”

Lance shook his head at Shiro, “It isn’t your fault. It isn’t any of our faults, I just… we’ll talk, okay? We’ll talk about everything, we’ll find some intergalactic therapist, but I just want to eat breakfast and be with you right now. Can we do that?”

“Yes,” Shiro nodded, “We can do that.”