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Chapter Text

[Video starts, a clip from the Very Late Show Starring Vicki Vale with Bruce Wayne as featured guest.]

Vicki: So, Bruce, we’ve talked about your charity work, and how much good you’ve been doing for Gotham…

Bruce (looking bashful): It’s only continuing the vision my parents had for the city. They always taught me that I’m extraordinarily privileged to have been born into these circumstances, and that only gives us not just the means, but the responsibility, to do more for people who can afford less.

Vicki: Amazing. Isn’t he amazing, ladies? Gentlemen? But back to my point, there’s another man who’s been reforming Gotham with his vision in the past several years…

Bruce: I agree, Commissioner Gordon has been doing a spectacular job.

Vicki: Now, Bruce… You know I was talking about Batman.

Bruce (frowning): Batman?

Vicki (leaning forward): Yes! So tell us… Are you?

Bruce (blinking confusedly): Am I what?

Vicki: Are you Batman?

Bruce (starting to smile): Me? Batman? Why would you even think I was?

Vicki: Well, there’s the fact that he’s utterly dedicated to Gotham, like you. Plus with all those gadgets he’s known to have, it’s clear he’d have to be someone very wealthy, like you. And you and he have never been seen together—it seems whenever Batman appears, Bruce Wayne is unaccounted for.

Bruce (frowning): Well, to answer your arguments in order: I’m glad Batman is dedicated to Gotham, but I do wish he didn’t have to be quite so violent in his, ah, dedication. As for funding, I suppose it would take a lot of money to outfit a vigilante like that, so I see why you would think that. But our auditors would tell you, the funds Wayne Enterprises possesses either go back into the company and its employees or to projects organized and/or vetted by the Wayne Foundation.

Vicki: And as for your mysterious disappearances whenever the Dark Knight shows up?

Bruce (frowning): When did I do that?

Vicki: How about one of the very first appearances of the Bat? You had a fund-raiser for Harvey Dent’s campaign as district attorney, and the Joker decided to hold everyone hostage. Batman showed up and saved the day.

Bruce: Huh. I kinda remember that. Alfred—my butler, who raised me, you know?—made me go into a safe room. I didn’t even know why until later when he pulled me out.

Vicki: Okay, how about something more recent? The Winter Gala for the Wayne Foundation’s Youth Rehabilitation and Development Program? Another event taken hostage by the Joker. You, the host, were nowhere to be found when Batman came in to knock out the Joker and his clowns.

Bruce (looking adorably lost): Oh, ah. I… I actually can’t say where I was then.

Vicki (triumphant): Oh? Could you have been decked out in an armored suit, saving us all?

Bruce (smiling): Now, Vicki, if that was what I was doing, I wouldn’t be all that shy about it.

Vicki (with a sharklike smile): So where were you?

Tim (off-camera, clearing his throat): Uh, Ms. Vale?

Vicki (attention shifting, looking surprised but also delighted): And here with us is Bruce’s adopted son, Timothy Drake-Wayne.

Tim (coming onset, frowning): Bruce doesn’t like people applying the label of “adopted” child with regard to my siblings and myself, Ms. Vale.

Bruce (also frowning): No, I don’t. I love my children equally, no matter who their biological parents were or are. My children are my children. No need to distinguish between who’s adopted and who’s not.

Tim: Aww, I love you too, Bruce.

Bruce (blushing and beaming mightily): Come here, Tim.

[Tim comes over to the couch. They hug. There’s an audible awww from the crowd. Vicki Vale’s pupils are practically heartshaped.]

Tim (pulling away to look at Vicki): Anyway, I just wanted to say, the thing Bruce isn’t saying about the Winter Gala is that I kind of freaked out when the Joker came in.

Vicki (concerned): Oh?

Tim (embarrassed): Yeah. I… uh… I had been kidnapped for ransom by some of his thugs just before Thanksgiving, and them coming in sent me into a flashback, complete with a panic attack. Bruce helped me calm down and stayed with me, then afterward we called my therapist. He probably didn’t wanna bring it up so I wouldn’t be embarrassed.

Bruce: Tim, son, there’s nothing to be ashamed about—

Tim: I know, Bruce, but these people are saying you’re Batman, for crying out loud.

Vicki: So your alibi for not being Batman is that you were too busy being a good dad?

Bruce (bashful): I wouldn’t put it that way. But much as I would like to say I was being a superhero and saved the day...

Vicki (turning to the crowd): Well, it sure sounded like that to me. What do you think, ladies?

The audience cheers.

Vicki: Well, I think that’s all we have time for tonight. Thank you so much for coming, Bruce, and thank you for everything you’re doing for Gotham and for your very adorable boys—

Bruce (smiling): And girl. I have a daughter now.

Vicki: Of course! Who could forget the lovely Cassandra? Well, if there’s a vote going around for dad of the year, you get mine! Even if you aren’t Batman after all. Thanks for joining me tonight, folks! This is the Very Late Show, and I’m Vicki Vale. Bruce Wayne, everybody, and Timothy Drake-Wayne!

[Video fades out to sound of applause.]

[Video starts, a clip from The Cat Grant Show.]

Cat: This Gotham native is best known for being CEO of Wayne Enterprises and President of the Wayne Foundation. His charitable efforts have changed the face of Gotham for the better, so much so that people have spent years speculating he’s the man behind Batman’s mask. Let’s bring out tonight’s special guest, Bruce Wayne!

[Applause. A door slides open revealing Bruce Wayne, who grins a little goofily and waves at the crowd as he steps forward. He kisses Cat’s cheeks and gives her a hug, which leaves her blushing, before they sit down.]

Cat: Thank you so much for being here, Bruce.

Bruce: Thank you for having me!

Cat: So let’s jump right into things. You’ve already answered this in another interview, but this time I want an answer: Are you Batman?

Bruce (laughs): Ms. Grant—

Cat: Cat.

Bruce: Cat, do I really seem like a guy who might be Batman?

Cat: Well, you seem enough like one that rumors have persisted for over a decade.

Bruce (shaking his head and smiling bemusedly): When would I even have the time? I could show you what my daily itinerary looks like, and that’s not when there’s a big project in the works for the company or the Foundation. If I had to dress up in a costume and flit about the rooftops beating up on criminals every night, I would have precious little time to sleep or spend with my family!

Cat: I wouldn’t say Batman “flits about the rooftops” exactly.

Bruce: Stomps then. (Laughs)

Cat: So just to be clear, there isn’t some kind of secret, secure space in Wayne Manor that houses all your high-tech crime-fighting equipment? A… Bat Cave, if you will?

Bruce (laughing): Well, there’s definitely a Man Cave! And there are a few secret rooms and passageways in the house—if you’ll recall your history, the Manor dates back to the Civil War years, and it actually served as a safehouse and one of the stops on the Underground Railroad.

Cat: Wow, you know a lot about your home’s history.

Bruce: Yes, my parents insisted upon it before they… passed. Family history made up much of my bedtime stories, as it happened. They felt it’s important to know where we came from, the better to understand where we needed to go. I’ve shared the Manor history with my kids as well.

Cat: That’s amazing. I do remember that bit about the Underground Railroad. I took one of the tours of Wayne Manor… I’m not sure how long ago. It was shortly after you returned from your travels abroad.

Bruce: Did you? (laughs) I don’t suppose you were the one who took the silver candlesticks my butler still never has let me hear the end of?

Cat: If I did, I’m never telling. (Laughs) But no, I’m not. Still, speaking of your travels abroad, that’s actually part of the reason people think you’re Batman. You could’ve spent all that time training to be a ninja!

Bruce (laughs): Well, I did spend some time in Japan. And I actually did study some martial arts, although my teachers decided I was hopeless.

[Bruce stands up and does a patently fake martial arts pose, hands and one leg up in a goofy crane-like position, then yowls like a cat, to the laughter of the audience.]

Cat (laughing): Yes, I can see how you would strike fear into the hearts of evildoers everywhere.

Bruce (seemily serious): Thank you.

Cat: So what exactly were you doing all those years abroad?

Bruce: Traveling, learning, seeing the world.

Cat: But no one has ever been able to say, “Yeah, I hung out with Bruce Wayne when he was traveling around the world.”

Bruce: Well, that’s because I didn’t travel as Bruce Wayne. I wanted to get to know the world without the… ah....

Cat: Silver spoon?

Bruce (smiles sheepishly): Yes, exactly. So I ended up spending some time in a Tibetan monastery, but also a lot of time working temporary jobs, having to earn my supper.

Cat: So you… what? Meditated and flipped burgers?

Bruce: Well, I wasn’t so good at the meditating thing. I honestly think I mostly just learned to fall asleep while sitting up. And most of my travels were through Asia and Europe, so I didn’t so much flip burgers as sometimes handle a wok? Anyway, I can still manage a perfect Lotus position, as long as you don’t expect me to stay awake in it for very long. And I make a mean fried rice, if I do say so myself.

Cat (coquettishly): I’d love to try it some time!

Bruce (laughing): Sure! Just let me know. I don’t really get to cook much ‘cause other than fried rice I’m a disaster in the kitchen, and there are other members of the family who are much better at culinary arts—my son Jason’s souffles are divine!

Cat: So you schlepped around Asia and Europe, and then what? You just decided to come home to be the last scion of the Wayne dynasty again one day?

Bruce: That sounds way cooler than “My butler told me enough was enough and came to fetch me,” so let’s go with that. So I came home and settled down into the Manor, with its assortment of secret passages that are mostly now blockaded for safety reasons.

Cat: Did anyone ever get hurt in the passages?

Bruce: Hurt, no, but I remember Alfred—that’s my butler and guardian—saying one or two of the people of the tours had gotten lost at some point or other.

Cat: But you stopped allowing the tours a while back.

Bruce: Yes, well, I had fewer kids when they were allowed. Like, none even. After I became guardian to my son Dick, we decided to stop the tours to protect his privacy. As the family grew, this became more and more important, that the kids have a space where they don’t have to worry about being in the public eye.

Cat: Awww, that’s a great reason! (Turns to audience.) Don’t you think that’s such a great dad thing to do? (Beams at applause.) Now I can’t even be grumpy about the fact that I can no longer go snooping around Wayne Manor for the price of a tour ticket. (Laughs.) But, hey, your kids are here with you today.

Bruce: Yes, they are. Well, two of them. I didn’t want to bring the whole brood or someone would be gnawing on the furniture before long.

Cat (laughing): They’re not that bad, surely!

Bruce: It’s a challenge keeping them fed, and I’m literally a billionaire.

Cat: So which ones are here today?

Bruce: Tim and Cass.

Cat: Why only them?

Bruce: Two others were busy with work or school, one would prefer to pretend I didn’t embarrass him by breathing, and the rest just laughed when I asked.

Cat (counting off her fingers and frowning): Bruce… Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but you only have five kids.

Bruce: Yes, I have five children.

Cat: So there’s Tim and Cass, two who are busy—I guess that’s Dick and Damian—and Jason has been public enough about his reaction to some of your recent TV appearances. So who are the rest?

Bruce (blushing): Oh, well, my kids… uh… they have friends who stay over a lot. I guess I just kinda get used to having a gaggle of young people in the house.

Cat: So we’re not seeing any more adoptions in your future.

Bruce: Um. Well, I wouldn’t say no, you know. But these kids have parents who love them. I’m just happy they want to hang out with my brood.

Cat: Well, speaking of kids! Can we bring Tim and Cass out here?

[Music plays, and the door slides open again to reveal Tim and Cass.]

Cat: Timothy Drake-Wayne and Cassandra Cain-Wayne, everybody!

[Tim and Cass smile and wave at the audience. Cass skips over to the couch and jumps into Bruce’s arms for a hug-attack. Audible female awws can be heard. Tim eases onto the couch beside Bruce as well, and Bruce ruffles his hair.]

Cat: So what brings you here today?

Cass: Jason wouldn’t come.

Tim (smiling): She means that Jason was pretty sure Bruce would do something to make us all regret agreeing to our adoptions. And he was right! (Turns to Bruce.) Bruce, never, EVER do that lame martial arts thing ever again. You’re an insult to the sport.

Bruce (smiling fondly): Are you sure? I could—

Cass: Very sure.

Bruce (sadly): But I could—

Tim: No. Find some dignity, Dad.

Bruce: But what if I were to—

Cass (placing a finger on Bruce’s lips): No. Think of what Alfred would say.

Bruce (deflating visibly): All right, all right.

Cat: Well, the night is young! And I have a surprise for everyone!

Tim (wary): We’re gonna regret this, aren’t we?

Bruce (looking delighted): I love surprises!

Cat (smiling like, well, the cat that got the cream): Then you’ll love this one! Now, you guys may be familiar with the theory that people could prove Bruce Wayne was Batman if only they could find photographic evidence that “the butts match.” The hashtag #DoTheButtsMatch first trended about ten years ago, and while it’s not the oldest meme in existence, it’s certainly got a level of tenacity second only, perhaps, to RickRolling.

Bruce (laughing): Oh gosh, that was hilarious! I love that! And I read that they do it to Nightwing and Dick even more than Batman and me now!

[Tim leans over and whispers something in Bruce’s ear that turns the billionaire’s face instantly bland. Human ears can’t hear it, but certain Kryptonian ears in the tech booth pick up on the words “Dick is sooo going to kill you.”]

Cat: Yes, yes, they do! And it’s been done to almost all of the members of the Bat Clan, I believe they’re called. With much of your own family held in comparison. I know many people speculate your son and the first ward you took in, Dick Grayson, is actually the first Robin, who is now Nightwing.

Bruce: Yes, I’ve heard that! Dick’s a police officer, you know, so we find it kind of funny that people think he spends his days fighting crime in a uniform, only to come home, dress up in some kind of body suit, and then spend his nights fighting crime in a costume. (Shakes his head.) Now people say that Tim here is Red Robin. Because he has so much time to go off vigilanteing—

Tim: That’s not even a word, Bruce.

Bruce: I can say “vigilanteing” if I want. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. It’s simply ridiculous to think that Tim, apart from being a full-time college student and interning with Lucius Fox at Wayne Enterprises, has spare time for vigilanteing. I promise you, Cat, I and my family do enjoy sleeping sometimes, even if photos on Instagram might convince you we all have coffee flowing through our veins.

Cat (laughing): Well, you make a convincing argument. But still, tonight, we’ve offered you the chance to prove that the butts do not, after all, match!

Bruce (looking like Christmas has come early): Don’t tell me you have Batman backstage too, so you can compare our tushies!

Cat: I wish I could get Batman as a guest on this show. But alas, until the Dark Knight consents to an interview, I’ll have to settle for the next best thing: a replica Batsuit in your size!

Bruce (frowning): What’ll that do?

Cat: Well, you can show the world your butt doesn’t fill that suit the same way Batman’s does.

Bruce (dubiously, while Tim and Cass are frowning): Well, don’t know. But I’m willing to try!

Cat: And there you have it! We’ll let you go backstage to change, and ask our viewers to keep their hands off their remotes because we’ll be right back after the commercial break!

[Video fades out, then fades back in with applause.]

Cat: And now, ladies and gentlemen! Do the butts match? See for yourself if the Prince of Gotham’s butt matches the Dark Knight’s! In costume, I present to you—Bruce Wayne!

[Loud music starts playing. The doors slide open. Someone who looks an awful lot like Batman is standing with arms akimbo. And then that frown turns upside down and Bruce Wayne’s signature sheepish smile is seen, and he waves to the audience like a beauty queen, then rocks on his heels while swishing the cape, like a little girl playing princess. Everyone starts chanting.]

Audience: Show that butt! Show that butt!

Cat: Show us that butt, Bruce!

Tim: Oh God, it’s a nightmare.

Bruce (fake-growling, but it sounds more like a puppy or kitten growl than Batman’s growl): I am vengeance! I am the night! I am Batman!

[And then. Bruce starts twerking to the music. He sweeps away the dark cape to show off his bubble butt as he does, grinning all the while. The audience hoots and whistles. Cat cheers. Cass has her hands covering her eyes, her face. Tim just facepalms and squeezes his eyes shut while massaging his temples like he’s got a migraine.

Bruce, still dancing, moseys over to the couch and tries to get his kids to dance with him, but they refuse. He keeps trying. Tim stands his ground and looks pissed. Cass eventually laughs, jumps up, and starts dancing with him, to everyone’s delight. They sync up and start dancing moves like disco’s made a comeback, which the crowd holler louder, and Tim groans and buries his head in his hands, shaking it.

Cat joins in their dance fest, and Bruce takes off the cowl as he dances. He’s got the cape swept over his arm like a princess’s train.]

Bruce (still grinning): Wow, this suit is really hot! I wonder how Batman manages in summer. He must be the stinkiest hero on the Justice League, unless he’s got super deodorant powers.

Cat (shouting): So we’re about out of time. One more time, can you show us again how well the butts match?

[Bruce turns around and shakes that booty. Cass laughs and shows off some of her street dancing moves.]

Cat (shouting): And that’s all for tonight! Thanks for tuning in, and to my guests Bruce Wayne, Cassandra Cain-Wayne, and Timothy Drake-Wayne! This is the Cat Grant Show, and I’m your host, Cat Grant! Good night, everybody! Now let’s get dancing!

[She continues dancing, and the camera pans to the audience to show everyone in the studio, even the techs and camera man, are dancing. The only one not dancing is Tim Drake-Wayne.]

Chapter Text

[Video starts, screen is split between the slideshow with tweets from Gothamites and a video of Bruce on a large sectional, Dick sprawled on the top of the couch with his legs over Bruce’s shoulders while Cass sits on an ottoman directly in front of the billionaire, who is brushing her hair]

Tim: So, Bruce, tonight was supposed to be movie night.

Bruce: Mmmhmm. Dick’s turn to choose the movie. [Cranes neck awkwardly to give Dick the squint-eye]

Dick: Oh yeah! I have the power!

Bruce: Please, for the love of god, do not choose Lilo & Stitch for the 17th time.

Dick: Awww, but ohana means family! Family means nobody gets left behind—or forgotten.

Bruce [glaring]: I will lock up your Cocoa Puffs.

Dick: That’s okay. Anyway—

Bruce: And your Cheerios.

Dick: Rude. But—

Bruce: And your Lucky Charms.

Dick [pouting]: That’s just mean! And anyway I wasn’t gonna pick Lilo & Stitch tonight!

Jason: Ha! Be very afraid, Old Man. Dickiebird already chose what we were gonna watch tonight, and you’ll wish it was [bleep] Lilo & Stitch.

Bruce [after a pause]: Oh?

Damian: Grayson asked Drake to compile some of the tweets from the past week for you.

Bruce [stilling, eyes narrowing]: Did he now?

Tim [from behind the camera]: Now, Bruce. You owe us this. I’ve been to therapy twice since you dragged me to the Cat Grant Show.

[Popup: “It’s true! Tim suffers from social anxiety, and sees a therapist for this issue. If you experience similar symptoms or other mental health concerns, call 1800-GOT-HELP for Gotham’s free 24-hour helpline, sponsored by the Wayne Foundation”]

Bruce [looking at the camera, an expression of guilt and concern on his face]: I’m sorry, Tim. I didn’t mean to cause any triggers—

Tim [a hand can be seen waving off Bruce’s comments]: It’s fine, Bruce. I’ve decided that revenge is the best therapy—and my therapist okayed it! So we’re all going to sit here and read out the tweets that apply to us. Or our supposed Bat Family alteregos.

Bruce [frowning]: Tim…

Tim: Come on, Bruce, please?

Several voices chorusing [with Dick and Cass giving noticeably pleading looks]: Pleeeeease?

Bruce [sighs, looks tired]: Okay, although for the record I thought this whole I’m-Batman thing would’ve been over with after that first interview.

Tim: And I’m going to video this and put it online.

Bruce [slightly alarmed]: Oh, is that really—

Tim: Yes.

Damian [video camera in hand]: I am in charge of the videography this evening.

Tim: Yeah, you can take the one for us to keep, but this is for social media. It’s not like you post anything besides photos of your animals, anyway.

Damian: Tt. Fine.

Tim: Okay, let’s get this started!

Dick: Wait, who are our alteregos? I know people keep thinking I’m Nightwing? And that I used to be Robin? I’m guessing they think Cass would be Batgirl. Who do they think Jason is? Or you? Or Dames?

Tim: Yep. To sum it up, they think Bruce is Batman, while you’re Nightwing and the first Robin. Cass is Batgirl. Jason’s the second Robin and Red Hood. I’m the third Robin and now Red Robin. And Damian is the current Robin.

Damian: And what of Titus, Alfred the Cat, BatCow, and Jerry?

Jason [seen lounging in a chair slightly away from the others]: Y’know, demon, the fact that you named your cow BatCow is in itself highly suspicious, don’tcha think?

Damian: Tt. No. I named her in tribute. Why would that be suspicious?

Jason: Because she’s named BatCow. Like, if Batman had a cow, it would be called BatCow. So your having a cow named BatCow makes people think Bruce really is Batman.

Damian [giving up on filming to cross both his arms and his legs and scowl like a tiny dictator]: Your miniscule brain has clearly gone begging for cognitive function. There is nothing suspicious about BatCow. Also, please refer to her as her and not it. She is a member of the family. We see more of her than we do of you.

Jason: Well, [bleep] for brains, she lives here, of course you see her more than me. And as I said, her name is BatCow. Bat. Cow.

Damian: Irrelevant.

Steph: Dameyboy has a point. I mean, it’s not like Batman has a bovine sidekick.

Damian [nods regally]: Exactly my point.

Dick [mumbling]: Batman doesn’t have sidekicks, Batman has partners.

Jason [snorts]: That sounds like something Batman would say to placate his sidekick.

Tim: Back on track, guys!

Damian: Yes. You did not answer my question.

Tim: Damian, I’m guessing they think if you were Robin, you would leave them at home. It’s not like your dog, cat, cow, and turkey aren’t the most recognizable pets on the planet or anything.

Damian: True. I would never subject a defenseless animal to the cold nights in Gotham if I could help it.

Dick: Okay, we’re getting off track. First tweet, Bruce?

Bruce: Hnn. Fine. BatWatch tweeted: “Now that @BruceWayne has categorically proven hashtag Bruce Wayne is not Batman… Share your hashtag new Batman identity theory.”

Dick: Yes! So, Bruce, who do you think is Batman? What’s your Batman identity theory?

Bruce [shrugs and starts braiding Cass’s hair]: I don’t know. Probably someone with more time and fewer children than I’ve got.

Jason: Let me remind you, Old Man, that apart from the demon brat over there, we all got roped into Waynehood. Why, some of us were practically kidnapped off the streets.

Bruce [looking absolutely exhausted]: Jay…

Dick: Moving on! Next tweet, Bruce! Ooh, and this one’s from an old flame of yours! Nadia Nicolaeva, formerly Gotham’s top model and one of your frequent dates back in the day! Now she’s a spokesperson for the Gotham City Animal Society and CEO of GC Modeling Agency. Say ‘hi Nadia’!

Bruce [bemused, waves at the camera, causing Cass’ braid to unravel]: Hi Nadia. [He frowns and starts braiding again]

Tim: Now read the tweet. Also, Bruce, you don’t actually have to say “hashtag” when you see a hashtag.

Bruce: Should I go back to pound sign?

Tim: No! God. Never refer to a hashtag as a pound sign again, please. You can’t do that and be related to me.

Bruce: Okay.

Dick: Read the tweet already!

Bruce: “I and several of my fellow models could have attested that Bruce Wayne is not Batman. New Batman Identity Theory: Maybe the commissioner? At GCPD? Thoughts?” [Purses his lips] I don’t think Commissioner Gordon would break the law by becoming a vigilante. It would set a bad precedent.

Jason [snorts]: Yeah, just imagine! A Gotham cop breaking the law! Tell me it isn’t so!

Dick: Okaaaaaay. Next tweet is Alfie’s! Alfie! Read it out!

Alfred [appears as if by magic behind Dick and over Bruce’s shoulder]: Very well, Master Dick. Here is your popcorn.

Dick [grabs the bucket and starts munching]: I love you, Alfie.

Alfred: Indeed. Please chew with your mouth shut, Master Dick.

Jason: Please read the tweet, Alfie!

Alfred [in perfect deadpan]: Very well, Master Jason. WaynersForLife tweeted: “New Batman Identity Theory: If it was anyone related to the Waynes, I would say it would be the butler! He’s hardly ever in photos, and I’ve heard he can be really scary! Bruce Wayne is not Batman, but maybe Alfred Pennyworth is Batman.” Oh my. I can’t imagine I’d have the time to dress up as a Bat and gallivant over the rooftops at night.

Jason [snorting]: Gallivant. Good one. ‘Cause that’s so what Batman does.

Dick: For the record, I think you would be an awesome Batman, Alfie.

Jason: Yeah, but taking care of the Waynes is a full-time job and a half, eh, Alfie?

Alfred: Just so, Master Jason. Just so.

Tim: Okay, next up, we have some tweets that use the hashtags BruceVsBat and/or BatsVsWaynes! First off, the one that started them all. Bruce?

Bruce [having tied off Cass’s braid, gives her head a final pat, smiling sweetly when she turns to smile her thanks at him]: Oh. Uh. WayneWatch tweeted: “So Bruce Wayne is not Batman. But does anyone else think that if we could only convince Bruce Wayne to fight crime, he’d do it better than Batman? Bruce versus Batman. Bats versus Waynes.” Er, I don’t think so?

Jason: Tell the truth, Old Man. Why don’t you think you’d be good at punching the Joker’s face in?

Bruce: If I did not have my child on my lap, I would demonstrate what I have learned from the self-defense lessons Alfie made me take. [Forms his hands like he’s going to make duck-shaped shadows on a wall, then moves them around in a parody of old-school action films]

Tim: [Bleep], no, Bruce, you’re not embarrassing this family again with your so-called martial arts. That one time was sufficiently scarring, thank you very much.

Bruce: Alfred told me he thought it was cool.

Alfred: I do not believe I raised you to lie, Master Bruce.

Bruce: Besides, I don’t see how punching the Joker in the face would help him or anyone, really. He and all the other criminals are merely a symptom of the disease. The real cause of crime in Gotham is poverty, and lack of support and treatment for mental health issues. So I guess I would work on building anti-poverty and mental health programs instead of, er, donning a fur suit to punch criminals in the face.

[Long pause, in which some members of the family look upon Bruce with fondness, others with bemusement or surprise. Jason is visibly rolling his eyes. Bruce looks at him with a patented Disappointed Dad look.]

Jason: Okay, fine. You have a point. Stop with the lectures already.

Dick: Although you already sponsor a ton of anti-poverty and mental health programs through the Wayne Foundation, Bruce.

Bruce: Huh. Well, a few more won’t hurt. Alfred, remind me to give Lucius a call tomorrow.

Alfred: Very well, sir.

Tim: Okay, that’s great and all. But… Bruce, did you just call Batman a furry?

Bruce [looking panicked]: ...Is he not? I mean, I just assumed Batman was… ah… a fursona?

[The camera starts shaking. Then Jason barks out a laugh. Dick starts laughing and promptly falls off the couch. And the screen goes blank, the audio cutting off uproarious laughter. The words “Cut to 3 minutes later” show up afterward. Bruce is still seated on the sectional, but Cass and Dick are now all but collapsed over him, Dick sprawled over Damian, who has given up filming altogether, and Bruce’s laps and Cass curled into Bruce’s side opposite Damian.]

Tim: Okay, where were we? Oh, next tweet. Bruce?

Bruce: GothamBoi tweeted: “Instead of punching muggers in the face, Bruce Wayne as Batman would hand them some cash cause obvs they need it if they're turning to crime. Plus maybe the card for a therapist or career counselor. Bruce versus Batman. Bats versus Waynes.”

Tim: Please, Bruce, please use “obvs” in a sentence.

Bruce: This young man obvs sees my point that finding solutions for poverty and mental health issues is the way to go, rather than violence.

Steph [giggling off screen, beside Tim]: Oh my GAWD.

Tim: Good job, Bruce. [Turning the camera to show Steph.] This is my BFF Steph, by the way. Say hi, Steph!

Steph [still giggling]: Hi!

Tim: Next up! Bruce again!

Bruce: Brett of Gotham tweeted: “Instead of throwing batarangs, Bruce Wayne as Batman would throw wads of cash. Bruce versus Batman. Bats versus Waynes.” I would not. [Looks offended.]

Dick [giggling]: Tell them why not, Bruce!

Bruce: Giving a person cash does not halt the cycle of bad decisions that lead to a life of crime. I’d rather convince them to take one of the free courses at Gotham University or several community colleges around the city or the rehabilitation programs offered by many Gotham City businesses.

Jason: Oh lord, Saint Brucie speaks. I thought I said enough with the lectures, Old Man?

Cass: Jay. [Glares, but cutely.]

Jason [raises arms in surrender]: Shutting up now.

Tim: Next tweet. Alfie?

Alfred: WaynersForLife tweeted: “Robin would never have gone through the short-shorts plus pixie boots phase because Fashion Icon Bruce Wayne would never have allowed his kid to commit such a crime… Or Alfred would’ve burned them.” I did remark several years ago that the outfit seemed insufficient against the elements for a lad out and about at such hours of the night, much less as armor for someone fighting crime.

Dick: Well, as a former acrobat, I would say it probably gave him freedom of movement, making him more agile, which would have been a plus in battle and for getting away in tight situations.

Jason [snorts]: Right. “Freedom of movement” explains the pixie boots.

Steph [laughing]: NOTHING explains the pixie boots.

Tim: Speaking of dubious fashion decisions, as the supposed first Robin, Dick, you take the next tweet.

Dick [huffs]: Fine. GothamBoi tweeted: “And speaking of the fashionable god that is Bruce Wayne, he would never be like ‘Yes, son, that color combo really IS the new black’ because, seriously WTF is with Robin's traffic light aesthetic?”

Jason [snickering]: So, Dickiebird, what do you have to say about Robin’s ‘traffic-light aesthetic’?

Dick [blushing]: Well, Robin distracts the criminals while Batman takes them out, right? So what better way to get their attention than bright colors?

Tim: Riiiiight. Next one’s still yours, Dick.

Dick: GotGirlNJ tweeted: “Dick Grayson as Nightwing would still be Nightwing-like, except instead of escrima sticks, his weapons would be warm hugs.” Aww! Warm hugs are totally effective. Look!

[Dick sits up and pulls a grumpy looking Damian into a hug, and the boy can be seen squirming, but discerning viewers can tell he is fighting not to smile. Then Dick loops an arm around Bruce’s neck, and the man’s stoic expression softens as he pats Dick on the shoulder.]

Cass [joining the group hug]: Hugs!

Steph: AWWW! Y’all are adorbz!

Tim: Okay, I’m kind of jell now. Let’s go by order of Waynehood. So next up is Jason!

Jason: Fine. BatFan91 tweeted: “Jason Todd, a well-known bibliophile, would as Red Hood quote awesome one-liners from beloved books, like: confront a thug and say ‘My name is Iñigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.’” Hmm. The Princess Bride. Good choice.

Steph: Would you really?

Jason: Maybe. Although, as far as literary threats go, I’m sure I could do better… [Closes his eyes and hums for a moment, then stands up and intones the following quote:] “If there’s any guy crazy enough to attack me, I’m going to show him the end of the world—close up. I’m going to let him see the kingdom come with his own eyes. I’m going to send him straight to the southern hemisphere and let the ashes of death rain all over him and the kangaroos and the wallabies.” [Bows dramatically, complete with hand flourish]

Damian: That is a respectable threat.

Dick: Where’s that from?

Jason: Haruki Murakami, 1Q84. It’s a contemporary masterpiece.

Dick: Never heard of it, or him.

Jason: He’s probably most famous for a dual narrative published in the early 2000s called Kafka on the Shore, though Norwegian Wood and The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle are great too. [Looks at camera] And if you guys want to take that as a recommended read from yours truly, please do, and tag me when you’ve read it so we can talk about the magic of Murakami.

Dick: Still never heard of him.

Jason: That’s because you’re just a couple steps up from illiterate.

Dick: No, that’s because you’re a nerd.

Steph: Dicky, don’t you know? He’s proud of his nerdhood.

Jason: Loud and proud.

Tim: Okay, nerd, give us another literary threat.

Jason: “Hence, horrible villain, or I’ll spurn thine eyes / Like balls before me! I’ll unhair thy head! / Thou shalt be whipped with wire and stewed in brine, / Smarting in ling’ring pickle!” Shakespeare, Antony and Cleopatra, Act II, Scene 5.

Tim: Good one.

Jason: I have more! Like—

Dick: Okay, okay. We’ll be here for days if we let you keep biblio-quoting. Next!

Tim: You or me, Cass? You’re older, but we joined the family about the same time.

Cass: You go.

Tim: Okay. From our friends at WayneWatch: “As Red Robin, @TimDWayne would never actually fight with anyone cause what if he spilled the coffee that he was holding in one hand constantly?” [The camera wobbles and a cup is lifted into view.] Too true, too true, coffee is life, I always say.

Bruce [frowning]: I thought we cut you off earlier. Al?

Alfred: Indeed. Master Timothy?

[The camera is jostled, and someone, presumably Steph, is now holding it, showing Tim hugging the coffee cup as Dick attempts to take it away from him.]

Dick: Come on, Timmy, you know you’re not supposed to have coffee after 6PM!

Tim: That’s a lie! I need it!

Jason: You need help, Replacement.

Bruce [frowning]: Jason, I have told you time and again, Tim is not your replacement. I love you all equally, uniquely, and completely.

Jason [looks away, clears his throat]: Whatever, Old Man.

Bruce: But Tim, you and I will speak about this later. This addiction to caffeine is not healthy.

Tim: You’re just jealous I have coffee and you don’t!

Bruce: … Fair point. Even so. I am an adult.

Tim: I’m emancipated!

Bruce: That was for business purposes, so you could take your position at Drake Industries. You are still under my care, as long as you live under my roof.

Tim: I’ll move to the penthouse apartment!

Bruce: As I still own the penthouse apartment, you would still be under my roof.

Tim: No fair!

Dick: Give it here, Timmyboy!

Tim: No!

[Tim proceeds to guzzle the whole mug down right before Dick tackles him. The phone/camera falls out of Steph’s hand. Screen fades to black. Then the words “5 minutes later…” appears on the screen only to fade to show Dick, Cass and Damian sitting side by side on the couch.]

Dick: So… we’re sorry about that, guys. It turned into a bit of a scuffle, and Tim made a run for a new dose of coffee. Jason took offense when he pushed past Alfie to do it, and now we have to buy a new coffee machine and several new mugs. Bruce and Alfie are taking care of the first aid and cleanup. So you’ve got us finishing out a few more tweets! Cass?

Cass: WaynersForLife tweeted: “I would totally believe the perfection that is Cass Wayne equals the perfection that is Batgirl because these beings are too perfect for this world.” [Smiles] Thank you! [Spells out “love you” in ASL. Blows a kiss to the screen.]

Dick: Aww! Now for my baby bro! Dami?

Damian: Tt. Very well. The user known as WayneWatch published this tweet: “Damian as Robin would have a trail of stray pets following him all the way to the Manor every night, cause he keeps feeding and rescuing them.”

Dick: And?

Damian: And what, Grayson?

Dick: What do you think about that?

Damian: It is true that many pets need rescuing in Gotham. Should you rescue a pet and be unable to care for them, please consider bringing them to one of the Wayne Foundation Animal Shelters or GCAS Shelters around the city. Please follow the Gotham City Animal Society with the username @GothamPets or visit gcac.org for more information on adoption and fostering.

Dick: Awww! You’re such a marshmallow when it comes to animals, Dami! [Ruffles his brother’s hair affectionately]

Damian: Cease that at once, Grayson!

Cass: So cute. [Leans over to kiss Damian on the cheek, making him flush bright red.]

Dick: Aaand for the moment, in the immortal words of Porky Pig, “That’s all folks!” Wayne Family out!

[Screen fades to black.]