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Part 1 of A Letter Led Us Here
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Published:
2020-09-23
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2,972
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1/1
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For Us Both

Summary:

“Sitting up he tiredly rubbed his face and pushed the tangled hair out of his face. Opening his eyes he noticed how ink-splattered they had become. Frowning he reminded himself to be more careful when writing as ink was not an expense they could afford at the moment.

Something about the dark splotches covering his skin made the cogs start turning in his head.

Ink?

When had he last sent a letter? It had been a couple of weeks since the last letter exchange with Lan Wangji. Nothing of importance had happened since and certainly nothing that warranted a letter.

His body froze and his eyes widened as a hazy memory broke through the fog in his sleepy brain.

Lan Zhan.

The words sprouting on the creamy sheet. Painstakingly written with trembling hands and sobs wrecking his frame.

No. NO!”

Or, one night too deep in his cups Wei Wuxian gets the brilliant idea to write Lan Wangji and expose the feelings he has been nursing in secret.

Notes:

I own nothing of the world of mzds or the song, only my love for them both. Also, English is not my mother tongue, so I apologize for any mistakes or awkwardness.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Wei Wuxian had given up. Given up keeping it in. Given up stopping it. Given up stopping it from overflowing.

Really, what use was it, anyway, when his entire being was drowning in it. Drowning in the feeling and in the knowledge. He could no more stop it than he could stop breathing. It had become an essential part of him, flowing through his veins, condensing in the pit of his stomach like a glowing sphere, lighting up his insides as it replaced the golden core, that once resided there. It kept him going, kept him warm and kept him sane.

His love for his friend had become both his anchor and his compass. His lighthouse guiding him to safer shores.

He may have given up keeping his feelings at bay, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t drown in his sorrows and alcohol.

And so, drown he did.

It was another of his sleepless nights; worry, unrest, and longing keeping him up.

Worry about his and the Wen’s situation. Every day food was a problem that needed solving. Their safety never guarantied. The future as blank and murky as ever.

Unrest from all that needed to be done, nagging him to stay awake.

And longing for his friend, for Lan Zhan.

The never-ending yearning felt with every fiber of his being. It was fraying his nerves, strumming his soul with lithe, merciless fingers, making his body thrum to its insistent tune.

At first he had fought it, denied it. His heartrate picking up easily explained away as excitement. His joy when near Lan Wangji obvious as proof of their growing friendship.

However, Wei Wuxian may be oblivious, but even he had had a hard time continuously deflecting the hopeless mooning over his friend, the warm feeling spreading in his chest, the blushing (Gods above all the blushing. The man wasn’t even here, and yet Wei Wuxian’s cheeks seemed eternally stained red with flustered heat.) as anything but love.

In the end it had been unavoidable. Lan Zhan was the epitome of what a man should be. Wei Wuxian had been doomed from the beginning. From the very first glare and terse little “Mn.”. Ah really, Lan Zhan was too much. Too much for weak hearted little demonic cultivators such as he. Someone really should have warned him. Surely it wasn’t safe for other unsuspecting victims to be exposed to the wonder that was Lan Wangji. He was like a flame captivating every single moth to ever exist. So bright, mesmerizing, dangerous, but warm when you got close, yet still untouchable. Hanguang-jun indeed.

So, here he was. Wei Wuxian, Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, the darkest and most dangerous being to ever exist, if the rumors were to be believed, lovelorn, yearning and moody from his silly, unrequited feelings. (Whoever invented feelings really needed a good talking to. Wei Wuxian couldn’t wait to get his hands on them. Didn’t the world have enough plagues and monsters without feelings complicating the matter and joining the party?)

But, no, it was not to be. Feelings had knocked on his door and they intended to stay for an extended visit. Permanently, it would seem.

He was left empty and aching, like an abandoned ruin. A skeleton wrapped in memories. The past putting flesh on his bones, the nostalgia flowing through his tired muscles, pulsing, giving him life, if only the faintest of heartbeats.

His mind was turning hazy in the midst of all his silly musings, the wine fourth uncle had brewed more potent than he was used to lately. A pleasant hum had settled in his entire body and echoed through his mind, rattling the thoughts so ingrained and tied tightly into place, never meant to leave their place and certainly never the safe space of his brain. But the wine had lulled him into a relaxed state, making the thoughts come more freely than he ever allowed them.

“Ah, Lan Zhan. If only you knew.” He breathed into the still night, the darkness swallowing his words ravenously, leaving not even the echo behind.

The thought of his words being devoured so completely without reaching further on their journey than him, bothered him.

He wanted them to travel on. To leave even as he was stuck. He wanted them to hitch a ride on the cool breeze and fly on till it met with the cold winds of Gusu. Dispersing and finding their way to the only person they were meant for. The reason they existed.

Now they were back to rummage around in his mind. Tumbling and nibbling at his exhausted patience.

These nightly escapades had come along gradually. At first he had simply needed a quiet place to settle his thoughts. Alone. The growing stress had quickly doubled his need for his peaceful times in solitude.

He had singled out a tall, lone tree with the perfect branch for reclining while wallowing in self-pity to be his outpost in the night. It stood right at the edge of the boarder of their new home, reaching for the heavens and grabbing for the stars with its mournful leaves. Wei Wuxian sympathized with the tree. He too had reached out trying to touch the impossible, as far removed from him as the moon now seemingly just in front. And just as ethereal.

The thought of his words unable to escape travelled back to the forefront of his mind.

He should tell him.

He should tell him!

The horrendous idea sounding too agreeable and sweet to his ears.

It would not lead to anything. Nothing would come from his confession, but it would be out. It would be known to more than just him, to someone where it mattered.

Granted he was a few cups in – a few too many, perhaps – but the idea did not seem so foolish to his well-soaked brain. Besides, when was the last time he drunkenly did something he surely would regret once sober? It was long overdue for him to act recklessly.

The joking soon turned to determination. He took a resolute swig of the remaining wine and set to work.

~

With his mind in a haze he had climbed down from the tree. Stumbling on his way, almost falling several times, he made his way back to the cave. He went over to the corner in what he had dubbed his room and crouched down in front of the little wooden chest he kept there.

Lifting the lid he started rummaging around impatiently. Everything would be so much faster if he wasn’t so messy.

When he finally found what he had been looking for, crying out triumphantly, he went to the table and sat down with his loot. Gingerly placing down the sheet of paper, the ink and his brush, he tried to straighten out his thoughts to find what to write. Sifting through his thoughts, discarding and rearranging, he sighed. He furrowed his brows and patted down the slightly crinkled sheet.

Where to start?

Picking up the brush with a slightly shaking hand, he wet the brush in the ink, dabbing off the excess on the slate and hovered over the white surface starring back at him.

 

Lan Zhan.

 

The only place he could start, he realized.

His mind was consumed by him at all times. By those two words.

 

Lan Zhan,

Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, I need to tell you.

Do you know? Of course you do. You probably do. But maybe you don’t. And I can’t bear that thought. I need you to know.

You probably don’t want to know. Maybe I should keep it to myself. I shouldn’t burden you. I never want to burden you. But oh have I been a burden. You don’t deserve it. You deserve so much more. My beautiful Lan Zhan. You deserve the world.

My Lan Zhan. But you’re not really mine, are you. You never have been. But I have been yours since the first time I laid eyes on you.

 

Wei Ying felt his eyes sting as he wrote the words. Lan Zhan would never be his. As universally true as that was, his own bruised heart would none the less forever belong to the white-clad man.

 

Yours,

 

A tear escaped, travelling the length of his cheek only to fall and greet the paper with a wet kiss.

 

Always.

Lan Zhan, ah Lan Zhan, do you know I can’t stop saying your name? Can’t help it. It feels so good on my tongue. So right. As though I was always meant to say it. The characters are edged into my mind with how often I’ve thought it.

If I were given one last wish, my love, my prayer would be for you to return to me just once again.

To see you again. For this I would beg.

 

The truth of his words were ringing throughout his core. He had been truthful when he declared he would prefer to die by Lan Zhan’s hand if he were to be killed. At least then Lan Zhan would be the last he saw before closing his eyes forever.

 

Without you I cannot love. My heart is tied to you.

 

His vision was getting more and more blurry as he wrote. He was sure many of the words could never be made sense of, his trembling hand and clouded vision making it impossible for him to write properly.

 

Perhaps some day you may come to care for me, too, maybe even love me. I would be willing to wait. I would wait for eternity, if you would open your heart to try.

If your heart won’t give in, my heart will carry enough love for the both of us.

My heart will always love for us both. Even as I am certain of your rejection, I cannot keep it from feeling. And what I feel for you, my love, my Lan Zhan, is all-consuming.

I love you.

It knocks me out and overpowers me with every breath, just as the sight of you have always stolen the air from my lungs.

But I cannot drag you into my mess any more than I already have. The wrath of the other sects will fall heavily on me one day. I don’t want you caught in it as well.

 

As much as he wanted Lan Zhan, as much as he needed him, yearned for him, he would never put him in harm’s way. Joining him in Yiling would be suicidal. He couldn’t allow that.

 

If this goes wrong - When it goes wrong – know that knowing you, counting you as my closest person, has been my greatest accomplishment, my greatest joy. You are my significant other, in this life and the next. Even if I am not yours.

 

His so far quiet sobs broke through their confines, fleeing into the cold night air, now freely falling from his lips and wrecking his body.

But he needed this. So badly.

And so he kept writing. Continued on and on till there was no more space on the page forcing him to turn it over and continue, not wanting to waste too much paper, but needing to pen his feelings none the less.

He just needed it out. Needed it to be a truth in the world, not just inside himself, eating him up and consuming him in its fire. His insides burned from feeling. The flames licked through his fingers as he wrote making them itch to push the words through the brush and onto the paper. Imprinting it with his heart.

It was a mess. The writing and the content. Splotches punctuating his sentences, feathering out to tickle his words. Tears deluding some of the characters, some of them so smeared they were illegible and yet again hidden from the world.

His sentences were rambling, chaotic, and hardly coherent. But sincere and honest.

He felt it rather accurately depicted his heart.

However, instead of abating, the fire only seemed to grow as his brush had finished the last stroke.

It was not enough. His chest, lighter from getting the words out, now ached from the knowledge that his words would never reach him. He had brought them into the world, birthed them with ink on paper, yet they had still not left him. They were still only his. Never shared. Wei Ying knew his feelings would never be returned by Lan Zhan, would never actually be shared, but maybe his words could be?

He stared at the words a moment longer, then sealed the letter and left it on the flat rock by the entrance to the cave. Wen Ning would collect it tomorrow and make sure it reached Hanguang-jun, as his letters always did.

Mind a little calmer and the flames temporarily doused, if only barely, Wei Ying went to bed.

~

Waking up, his head sore from the night before, Wei Wuxian lay on the bed trying to place the root of his sense of dread. Something was wrong. He had done something he shouldn’t have. Not that that really narrowed it down. At least he knew it was something more recent. Something last night, but he still couldn’t remember what.

Sitting up he tiredly rubbed his face and pushed the tangled hair out of his face. Opening his eyes he noticed how ink-splattered they had become. Frowning he reminded himself to be more careful when writing as ink was not an expense they could afford at the moment.

Something about the dark splotches covering his skin made the cogs start turning in his head.

Ink?

When had he last sent a letter? It had been a couple of weeks since the last letter exchange with Lan Wangji. Nothing of importance had happened since and certainly nothing that warranted a letter.

His body froze and his eyes widened as a hazy memory broke through the fog in his sleepy brain.

 

Lan Zhan.

 

The words sprouting on the creamy sheet. Painstakingly written with trembling hands and sobs wrecking his frame.

No. NO!

What had he done!

He ran out frantically searching for Wen Ning. Finally finding him by the newly planted lotus seeds with A-Yuan. Wei Wuxian hurried to their side out of breath and desperate.

“Wen Ning!”

“Wei-gongzi? Good morning.”

“The letter- the letter by the entrance, where is it?” he fought the words out before he fully regained his breath, lungs still heaving.

“I already sent it out. Hanguang-jun should have it in a few days.”

Already sent?

Wei Ying dropped to the ground, his knees giving out from under him.

It was already gone.

~

It was yet another moonlit night. The air mostly still, almost as if holding its breath. Wei Wuxian had stopped holding his. Had stopped waiting.

He was once again sitting in the tree, looking out over the surrounding forest and fields that were Burial Mounds. The letter he had composed and sent off in his drunkenness had given him many anxious days and nights, thoughts of somehow intercepting it on its way to the recipient plaguing his mind. In the end he had given up on that thought, too.

Wen Ning had been so distraught when he thought he had done something wrong, vowing to get the letter back for Wei Wuxian, apologizing over and over again. Wei Wuxian had assured him he had done nothing wrong. It was not Wen Ning’s fault. Only his own.

He knew how impulsive he could be when drunk. The few restraints he possessed dissolving in the alcohol. He knew better than to drink when he was already drowning in his feelings. There was nothing to be done about it now. It had happened, and whatever would come next, would come.

Lan Zhan would receive the letter and probably ignore its contents and what they meant. He had ignored any attempt Wei Wuxian had made so far in his presence. A letter would be even easier to ignore. A drunken, rambling letter even more so.

If he was lucky, Lan Zhan would still consider them friends, would still help him in the little ways that he could. If not- Wei Wuxian sighed, if not and Lan Zhan distanced himself from him, Wei Wuxian knew it was as it should have been long ago.

Lan Zhan, Hanguang-jun, was not supposed to keep in contact with someone like Wei Wuxian; Yiling Laozu and unscrupulous defector. No, him distancing himself would be putting the world to rights. Correcting a wrong. Upkeeping the balance. It would be right.

Caught up in his own thoughts and self-deprecation it took a while for Wei Ying to notice the slight movement among the trees and waving branches.

The wind had picked up and was playing with his hair temporarily blocking his view. A silver glint broke through the dense foliage before disappearing again, moving on in its game of hide and seek from his eyes.

The shape of a man was slowly taking form, his silhouette still partially hidden in the shadows.

Even at a distance it was clear to see the man was a sight to behold. The trees parted just as the moon broke through the clouds and illuminated his figure, welcoming him to the stage.

As had happened the first time Wei Wuxian had seen him his mind gently whispered;

Beautiful.

There Hanguang-jun, Lan Zhan, stood bathed in the moonlight. Bright as if lit from within. Beautiful and ethereal as ever with a little smile gracing his lips. His eyes trained on Wei Wuxian still sitting in the tree. He was like a light within his reach. No longer as distant as it had once seemed.

His lips parted, the smile still present in his eyes. Two words escaped their capture and Wei Wuxian felt his heartbeat pick up, hope suffusing his being.

“Wei Ying.”

Notes:

I really hope you liked it! Thank you so much for reading. I may just make a short sequel to this fic with lwj’s reaction upon receiving the letter. Do tell me if you would be interested in this~
Shout at me below~ I would love to hear your thoughts on my little fic!

Please go listen to the beautiful music that inspired this fic!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfVkxkPN9sA

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