Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Yuugo never had time to be still until it was too late. When he was at Glory Bell, there was always a chore, always a crying kid, always something in the plan that went wrong that he needed to fix. In the bunker, before everything, there was always a loose pipe, always a kid who missed mom, always a new threat to their newfound safety. In Goldy Pond, even a moment to catch his breath was rare as there were always makeshift weapons to be made, always a need to bury another dead kid, always waiting for the music to ring. Now, it was too quiet.

Though he hadn’t been keeping very good track ( “I’ll take care of keeping track of the date!” Randy had volunteered, all the way back on the first day. “We don’t exactly have a calendar anymore!”) , Yuugo reckoned it’d been around a year or so since the failed raid of Goldy Pond, his biggest regret. His family couldn’t come back, and he knew this, yet every minute he sat down he heard them, and every time he closed his eyes a new nightmare haunted him. 

As the hours passed in solitude, after almost a year of no noise escaping his lips, Yuugo broke. The teapot was brought back down from high up on the shelf, now easy to reach at a full grown and well fed height. The jar of cookies was empty, ( Dina liked the chocolate ones Lucas made, he should ask Lucas to make more- ) If it had been maybe even a day earlier, he would have cut himself off, would have tried to reason with forces that weren’t there. Now, though? Yuugo couldn’t find a single reason not to.

So he grabbed the fine China ( Sue was so confused when they first arrived that they had such nice dinnerware ) and set the table. He’d cleaned the table cloth ( Dina said that only uncivilized people ate on bare wood, so one of the first orders of business was to select a sheet to act as a tablecloth. Yuugo was cold, yet still excited that night ). His hands had been trembling too much to hold anything delicate when he first got back, yet he did, so now Yuugo held a chipped cup with a singular, near miniscule spider climbing up the edge of it. Not even hesitating the slightest, the man grabbed more and more of the teacups, until the entire table was completely set for his group.  

“Dina, do you think Maria will be up in time to have a cup of tea with us?” The first words to come out of his mouth in a year, and Yuugo couldn’t even find himself concerned that it was about a hallucination.

 ( Dina walked in holding the youngest of the group, a tired 6 year old named Maria, on her hip. “Well she’s already up, so we might as well pour it now!”) 

“Thanks for getting her up. Do you think this one pot will be enough?” He held up the said pot, inspecting its wide hole at the bottom through the opening where the lid went. “Lucas said that he would chug the whole thing next time I made the homegrown mint tea, maybe I’ll make him his own!” Snickering alone to his own joke that no one heard, Yuugo didn’t do what he just said, and instead sat down at the head. 

( “Scootch over, that’s my spot you overgrown skunk!” Lucas shoved him off the chair. This wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last, not since he ‘established his dominance’ as the leader of their pack. Scratching at the place on his arm where he fell, Yuugo laughed while non giving Lucas the satisfaction of looking up at him. Yuugo was still his right hand, though most of their decisions were done democratically through a vote. Dina was voted to be the caretaker, in charge of everything from rations to bedtimes, while Yuugo hunted and Lucas covered everything else. It was dinner time now, wasn’t it? And as everyone gathered around the table, Yuugo relaxed, if only a bit. His family was here. His best friends had his back, and he had theirs. The future was bright, and if all went well, then tomorrow they would head out and meet Miner- )

“NO!” I jolted, not hearing the voices. I don’t hear voices, I don’t see it, I don’t see them- where did they go? Leuvis was supposed to be right here? If the plan- 

The plan failed, didn’t it? I rolled my shoulders back, teacup lazily held between fingers. Sleep only came when it could outshoot me, which was a fancy way of saying near never, so it’s reasonable to believe that hallucinations were a part of sleep deprivation , right? 

Suddenly, a steady plick-plack of water started to rain down on the table. Having done this time and time again, I grabbed the wrench and lantern and made my way up the ladder which was kept in the room for convenience and frequent leaks, only to find the ceiling dry. (Huh , I thought as I climbed down the slightly rusted ladder, there must be something wrong with the pipe up there . Making note of it with 17 other issues on my trusty notepad, I went to report back to the group at the front entrance of the bunker.)

Opening the hatch, the fresh air waved over my dried tears, cooling them in a way that didn’t quite irritate my skin. ( Where are they? Lucas and the rest of the hunting party were supposed to be back before dusk, and the moon is already all the way up! Wait, where’s Dina again? ) I climbed all the way up, still holding onto the chipped cup. This wasn’t my cup ( just yesterday Damion had claimed it because he said that he just absolutely love the blue outline! It’s cerulean, and did you know-) No, I don’t know. And I don’t know why you, of all people, keep coming back when I can’t even see you. 

I’m back at the bunkbeds now, ready to tuck in Randy and Sue, Maria and Damion, and all the other ghosts. You keep telling me that I deserve to be tucked in as well, but hey, I’ll sleep when I’m dead, right? And maybe that’ll come soon. Maybe. Ignoring Abel’s piano, I go straight to the farm. Automatic sprinkler systems long deprived of water spun around, feeding the ghosts of peppers and tomatoes. I missed the mint the most. ( Grabbing leaves from our tenderly cared for plants, you told me all about ancient Egyptian steeping techniques you’d read about last week from this new library while we stood back to back, laboring over these young seedlings. I hadn’t bothered to read any of the books yet. ) The table is still set, and Dina is still standing there holding Maria. I know because I’ve seen these same things so many times; I  avoid hunting as much as possible now because everytime I go to grab a bird for this week’s dinner, I see Randy laying under that tree. He was the first of many to go. 

I need to eat. It’s been a few days. The leaves in my pocket are heavy as you greet me again in the kitchen. I miss your smile the most, especially because I can’t see it. If I could redo everything, I would have looked at it more ( You smiled again as he closed in, why did you smile while I abandoned you- ). 

Silence weighs heavier than my regrets. You should have made it. You had so much more to live for, Lucas. I doubt that you’d be like I am, standing alone and unsteady in an empty and rotting bunker. Dina would’ve fared better, as well, if I had only been able to aim properly at that blasted wild demon’s eye. She and Maria still keep me company, at least. Funny how all the people I loved the most died with a smile on their faces and that I can’t even manage to maintain one for a single moment. 

You never liked silence, did you? With how much you laughed, keeping all our spirits high and voices higher. I wonder what happened to your body. Did they only eat your brain, or the rest of you as well? I’ll never know. 

Sitting alone in a room full of monitors, 12 years fly past. A steady routine of hunting, sleeping, forgetting, remembering, repressing, and regressing repeating as I grow more and more unstable. The ghosts stay, their names bouncing through my head in everything I do. The gun was always kept at my waist, always reminding me of those I couldn’t save, always waiting for the right moment when I would finally snap and pull the trigger. 

And then, I did. Unfortunately, the barrel was empty, so I didn’t quite die at that moment. Instead, I lived. I survived long enough for an obnoxious brat to barge into my bunker, to punch me in the nuts, to force me into yet another life threatening adventure. She reminds me of you, if you were here. But you aren’t, and I’m tormenting her. She and the boy are running, like we did, with the guise of a mentor watching from above. Surprisingly, they make it most of the way. The girl gets taken, and I’m close to your grave. 

But the boy doesn’t leave. He isn't a coward, unlike me, and he stays. He hunts, he shoots, and he thrives . We find a way in, if only through spite, and then-

I see you. 

No weight is magically lifted, no burden relieved, but for the first time in a very long time, I let in the sounds. Ghosts are swarming around you, all of them wanting me to embrace you. I can’t, not now, not when there's a new found family on the line, but I will. I can keep living, because at least I now know why I never was able to see you. 

The battle is over, and I barely have a moment to look you in the eyes, your smile just as I remember. The new scar stands out against your pale skin, but hey, we all look worse with age, right? As you hobble over to your kids, mine help me get Emma onto my back. She’s close to death, but this time, I won’t let her die. 

She lives, as do you and I. New scars, new faces, and new noises fill the bunker, flooding the recently vacant halls with laughter and happiness. When we have time, we can mourn. When we rest, we can remember. But for now? There are new plants to be grown, new brothers to be made, new memories to be made. I can’t ever forget them, but now they can be my roots as I grow. As long as you are by my side, now visible, I can move past the ghosts. Dina finally puts Maria down, the tea cold. Abel and Nat swap seats on the piano, symphonies lulling Damion and Randy to sleep. 

I can open my eyes now, and they’re no longer filled with tears. Nigel fixed the leaky pipe over my head, so after 13 years of it soaking me I can dry off for good. 

You attempt to take back your position at the head of the table, but I could never just let that happen. I claim the seniority position, but that just leads to Ray calling me old. We settle for two chairs, with Emma on my side and Oliver on yours. All is good for now, but even if it goes to hell, I can at least know that you will be by my side. 

And with that, life returns to a new normal, one that I always needed.