Chapter Text
Ghost Town
07:00
07:01
07:02
07:03
I guess I don’t feel like going to school today.
She turned away from the clock.
I’ll text Hitomi… tell them not to wait for me.
Her hand dragged beneath the covers until she bumped into her cell. Squinting against its bright light, she sent out the message.
‘Don’t wait for me.’
It went without saying that she would be absent.
Now what? I guess I have a whole day to myself… but there’s nothing to do.
She could sleep longer, maybe, or she could wander around the city. Or she could... nothing came to mind.
There was always homework to do, but that was a last resort. She would sooner waste away in bed than do homework.
Her cell beeped.
‘I hope you feel better, Sayaka-san.’
Eh… it’s not necessarily that I feel bad, only that I don’t feel like seeing anyone’s face today.
Oh.
I guess that explains it. I don’t want to see their stupid, happy faces while I’m still struggling to make sense of everything that’s happened. I don’t want to be reminded of how far behind I am.
Moping in bed sounded less appealing by the second.
Guess that means I’ll wander around the city.
She rolled off her bed and shuffled to her closet.
“It doesn’t make sense to wear the school uniform when I’m ditching, huh?” she asked her alarm clock. “Eh, I’ll wear whatever.” True to her word, she grabbed the first shirt and pants she saw.
Her fingers stumbled over the buttons, but she had nowhere else to be, so she let them fumble for as long as it took.
Yeah—I really don’t feel like going to school.
Breakfast… sounds overrated. Alright, then. I’ll drop by the bathroom and I’ll be all set to go.
She dragged her feet out of her bedroom.
／人◕‿‿◕人＼
Somehow, she ended up at the Sakura church.
No one frequented this part of town because of the scandal, Kyouko had told her, so no one stopped her from walking straight up the path into the church.
Maybe I’ll find the answers I want here.
Then again—the last time I was here I didn’t hear anything I wanted to.
She sighed, kicking at rocks.
“It’s like… I can’t find it in me to believe in happily-ever-after. Isn’t that funny, though? Me, whose magical girl form is a knight in shining armor. This should be the perfect ending—I fought the dragon, saved the kingdom, and became a hero.
“But it wasn’t like that, really. I was a liability—I was wrong. I was so goddamn wrong and I couldn’t—I still can’t accept that.”
Of course, the splinters in her fingers told her nothing. When she approached a shaft of light to pull them out, her shoes crunched over glass and stone; everything around her spoke of another’s failed quest and torn ideals.
“Wouldn’t you know? The only thing left to Kyouko’s name is this shitty, abandoned church that reminds her of everything she wants to forget. Tell me, then! My friends have been disaffected and yet they still move forward. Why can’t I move forward?”
Not that I want them to suffer just because I’m suffering.
Isn’t that selfish of me?
As she walked around the church, she ran her fingers over the pews, against the wall, and over stained glass windows.
“The saints locked up the gates. I’m not particularly religious, I guess, but I like the stories.”
Stories of heroes, of saviors, of knights—of justice!
“Even magical girl anime worked for me, because there’s always a clear evil to fight.”
Kyouko’s father had stood at this very pulpit, extoling virtue and righteousness. That was all he had wanted: a world without hypocrites to muck everything up. When he went against the norm, those self-same hypocrites turned their backs on him.
He lived long enough to see himself turn into the villain.
But was I ever the hero? I mean, obviously I wasn’t a villain… I was the naïve child who never acknowledged the weariness on the knights’ faces when they returned.
“Whenever I tried to help I just ended up making things worse. I walked into the flames—and I got burned!”
Vivid against her fingers, blood ran down in rivets. When she willed it, rings of magic healed her skin and it was as if nothing at all had happened.
Look at that. I can erase all evidence of physical wounds, but the one thing I actually want to erase won’t ever go away. It likes to fester in my mind like something rotten and disgusting. Guess it makes sense, in a way: all a zombie like me has to look forward to is a grief seed full of regrets.
“And then I’ll be killed, of course.”
Yawning, she trudged back to the last row of pews.
“I don’t even know why I’m so upset.”
／人◕‿‿◕人＼
Her phone chimed. She jerked up, eyes darting around. “That’s right….” She glanced at the time, noting that class had let out a few minutes ago.
‘Are you presently occupied, Sayaka-san?’
“Do I want to reply?” Sayaka asked the church. “Do I feel sane enough to talk to Hitomi?”
‘I’m at the Sakura Church in Kazamino.’
‘May I join you?’
She brushed sleep from her eyes and squinted at the screen again.
Join me? Why would you want to do something like that?
‘Don’t you have cram school in an hour?’
‘Class was canceled. If you do not want company, Sayaka-san, please feel free to say so.’
“Hitomi wants to hang out with me on her only free day. Isn’t that crazy? Crazier than even me. But… who am I to say no? I guess I don’t feel like being alone anymore,” she told the pulpit.
‘No. You can come if you want. It’s kind of far, though.’
‘It does not inconvenience me. I will join you as soon as possible.’
‘Kay.’
Rolling her head and shoulders to work out the kinks, Sayaka wondered what she would do for the next half hour.
“I slept like four hours and a half. Guess I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight, eh?”
She stared upwards; her limbs still felt too heavy.
From the ceiling hung cobwebs. Shards of glass and wood littered the floor. Dust gathered over everything.
Well, it makes sense that everything is crumbling down. What doesn’t make sense is that the government would just let it continue to exist—wouldn’t it be a danger to the community? Not to mention that Kyouko’s always chasing punks away.
“Even though she’s bound to hate this place, Kyouko still tries to keep it from disappearing completely,” Sayaka noted.
“Hm, actually, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the rest of it. She won’t mind if I wander around the rest of the church grounds, right?” she asked the stained glass behind the pulpit.
I won’t go into any buildings; I’ll just explore the exterior.
Out back, however, the church looked even worse than the main hall.
To the left was a tiny cemetery, overrun with weeds and gnarled trees; to the right were the remnants of a burned down home.
Everything looked grey and dead.
“…It really isn’t like it is in manga, huh? What a terrible world,” she mumbled.
And I had the arrogance to think I could save everyone.
She trudged back into the church and slumped against a pew.
“Sayaka-san, are you here?” came Hitomi’s voice a few minutes later.
She turned, calling out, “Watch your step. There’s glass on the floor.” Her gaze caught Kyousuke’s.
“I hope you don’t mind,” Hitomi said, bowing.
“We brought snacks,” Kyousuke added, also bowing. “I don’t mean to impose, Sayaka-san. I just wanted to see if you were alright.”
Sayaka shrugged, saying, “It doesn’t really matter.”
My heart’s a ghost town. I guess I’m too wrapped up in myself to care about it. And isn’t it about time that I got over it? It’s not like them getting together was the end of the world—the real end of the world had nothing to do with them.
Hitomi looked around the interior, and Sayaka grimaced at realizing that she had brought Hitomi Shizuki to a dilapidated church that could fall down at any moment.
“The Sakura Cathedral… could it be related to Sakura-san?” Kyousuke asked, brushing debris off one of the back pews.
“Don’t mention it to her,” Sayaka snapped, following Hitomi down the aisle.
Quirking her lips, Hitomi murmured, “Sakura-san would never deign to speak with Kyousuke-san.” She glanced sidelong at Sayaka, who only shrugged.
“I guess,” she dismissed.
Hitomi frowned, stopping in front of the stained glass behind the pulpit.
Kyousuke piped up from the back, “Does anyone want curry bread? Sayaka-san? Hitomi-san mentioned that you’ve developed a liking for it.” Plastic rustled as he pulled out other items from a bag.
“No thanks,” Sayaka said.
“Then, how about melon bread? Or sweet bean bread? We got lots of bread, for some reason.” He came forward, various packages of bread nestled in his arms.
Sayaka stared at him and asked, “Why did you guys get so much?” She snagged the curry bread, since it balanced precariously at the top.
Hitomi replied over her shoulder, “It’s always nice to have choices.”
“Yeah?” Sayaka snorted, tearing open the wrapper.
“Yeah,” Kyousuke agreed, “so we brought different drinks, too. Coffee, milk tea, and three different types of juice, I think.”
Sayaka sighed. “Whatever is fine with me,” she grumbled.
Kyousuke nodded. “How about you, Hitomi-san?”
“Oh, coffee will do, thank you,” Hitomi said. She walked back to them and they settled down by the stage, with Kyousuke fetching the grocery bag.
“Kaname-san gave us your assignments,” Kyousuke said, pulling out a few papers held together by a paperclip from his backpack.
Pulling a face, Sayaka accepted them. “Thanks. My parents will probably ground me for skipping class, so I guess I’ll have plenty of time to catch up. Figures.”
Hitomi leaned forward. “Is there a reason for your absence, Sayaka-san?”
“No,” Sayaka scratched the back of her head, “I just didn’t feel like going, I guess.”
“Is that it, Sayaka-san? ‘I guess’?” Hitomi challenged, jutting out her chin. “No more Hollywood showdowns, no more righteousness to propel you forward, so you fall down? There’s nothing exciting for you to do, thus you have every right to waste away, hm?”
Bristling, Sayaka hunched her shoulders away from Hitomi’s blazing eyes.
“Hitomi-san, I don’t think—”
“No!” Hitomi snapped. “You don’t give a damn if you go down, do you, Sayaka?” She brushed away Kyousuke’s hand.
Sayaka slammed her fist into the floor; splinters dug into her palm.
“Just tell me why! Tell me why you insist on moping every single day, why you push everyone away, why you refuse to even try to be happy!” Hitomi leaned forward, scowling just as fiercely as Sayaka.
Sayaka mumbled, “I died last night in my dreams.” She buried her face in her hands.
“You are indecisive, you know, Sayaka?” Hitomi groused. “You have many flaws—and somehow, that makes me feel so much better.” Her tone softened as she sagged back against the seat. Her hand trailed up Sayaka’s arm.
Kyousuke murmured, “Um, Sayaka-san… you know, it is normal—to have problems, I mean. Emotions, too: things that make your heart beat faster. It makes you human.”
“Human!” Sayaka choked out. She grabbed Hitomi’s hand in her own, splintered one. “As if.”
“Do you think,” Hitomi asked, “that I wanted to understand? I could not, no matter how long I thought about it, comprehend why you would react so awfully to a love triangle, of all things! Your adoration and loyalty seemed absurd to me. Sayaka, who could be so free if she let herself, preferred to pine away in the darkness.
“Regardless of everything else, you upheld and usurped your ideals simultaneously. That was how you wrested happiness from fate. Until the world dismissed your ideals altogether.”
Sayaka laughed, “Hitomi. Hitomi, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Doesn’t she, Sayaka-san?” Kyousuke defended. He placed his own hand above the girls’.
Yanking away, Sayaka snarled, “Stay out of this!”
He shook his head. “Maybe I don’t understand a lot of things, but that’s fine. All I need to know is that I hurt you, Sayaka-san, and that you are hurting yourself,” he explained.
Still, Sayaka turned away from them.
“Knights in fairy tales are ridiculous,” Hitomi declared. “Dismantle their illusions and you dismantle their very beings.”
“Alright, I get it! I’m a fucking idiot for thinking I could be the hero of the land!” Sayaka leapt up to her feet, slapping her hands on the closest pew repeatedly.
Hitomi tugged her back, admonishing, “That’s not acceptance, Sayaka.”
Sayaka slumped against her and murmured, “I called out your name, Hitomi. I wanted to save you, but I also wanted you to die. I called out your name but got no answer, so I pretended I hadn’t seen you there.”
Chuckling, Hitomi said, “We’re difficult to love, Sayaka. I do not begrudge your decisions.” In a lower tone, she added, “I would have done the same.” She rested her head against Sayaka’s shoulder.
They stayed silent.
Eventually, Kyousuke ventured to ask, “What has you so upset, Sayaka-san?”
Sayaka looked him over Hitomi’s head. She shrugged.
“If it’s about us…,” Kyousuke coughed, “then I would like you to know that I am sorry. I hurt your feelings without even knowing… that was wrong of me, to take you for granted and to presume to know you. Sayaka-san deserves better than that.”
Again, Sayaka shrugged, but she answered, “Forgiving you is easy, Kyousuke. It’s forgiving me that gives me trouble.
“Sometimes… I feel like my heart is a ghost town. It’s easier, though, than feeling too much.”
Hitomi shook her head. “Emotions, Sayaka, are what make us human. You are human, no matter what happens, so resign yourself to them and make your life worth living!”
“Geez, not everyone’s like you,” Sayaka grumbled.
“But it’s sound advice, Sayaka-san,” Kyousuke said.
Rolling her eyes, Sayaka replied, “Whatever.”
“Sayaka!” Hitomi scolded her.
Sayaka raised her hands. “Okay, okay.”
“You give your life worth,” Hitomi reiterated, “no one else can. Ultimately it rests on your shoulders whether you let the world swallow you whole or whether you move forward as best as you possibly can.” Kyousuke nodded in agreement.
Taking a deep breath, Sayaka contemplated her words.
It’s up to me to move forward.
I can move forward—
Like the others have.
“I can move forward,” she realized aloud.
“Excellent,” Hitomi said, smug. She brushed the tips of her fingers against Sayaka’s forehead, just barely tickling her hair.
She sat back and gestured towards Sayaka’s bleeding hand, remarking, “You should bandage that.”
Sayaka glanced at Kyousuke. “Uh, yeah, I will. It’ll heal up quick, though; it can wait until I get home. No worries.”
“Are you sure?” Kyousuke pressed.
“How about you get some first aid from a convenience store, Kyousuke-san,” Hitomi suggested.
Kyousuke looked at Sayaka, who shrugged.
“Well, then, I’ll be back really quick,” Kyousuke said.
“Thanks, Kyousuke,” Sayaka said.
Hitomi nodded at him.
After he left, she turned back to Sayaka.
“What?” Sayaka asked, noting Hitomi’s renewed frown.
“I don’t know if it’s because you’re a magical girl,” Hitomi began, “but you really overreact to a lot of things.”
Sayaka shrugged helplessly. “Beats me,” she said.
“Promise me you will think with your head more. If you’re making any decision, ask ‘What would Hitomi do?’ and even if you don’t do exactly what I would, at least weigh your course of action against mine,” Hitomi demanded.
Bringing Hitomi’s hand to her cheek, Sayaka smiled. “You’re mighty egocentric if you think your decisions are always right,” she teased.
“Promise me.”
“I promise,” Sayaka obliged.
Smiling again, Hitomi said, “Good. Now, tell me more about your magical girl life, before Kyousuke-san comes back.”
Sayaka grinned. “I’m glad you’re by my side, Hitomi. Kyousuke, too.”
／人◕‿‿◕人＼
Later, in her bedroom, Sayaka stared at her bandaged hand.
What would Hitomi do?
Sighing, she refrained from healing it.
This is going to be very hard.
But I have them to help me, so it’ll be okay, eventually.
Heh, I guess Madoka wasn’t wrong about needing a little hope in our lives.
/\