Chapter Text
Emil woke up at his normal time, right before the sun came up. He spent the whole of yesterday thinking of everything Dr. Mesmer had told him. A treatment that wasn’t painful, but more effective than the shock therapy? He wanted to be hopeful but that all sounded very unrealistic. And he wanted to trust her, too, but it was hard. She was new, and it was like she said she was here temporarily. And for some reason he couldn’t help but think that she had said that in an attempt to make it hurt less when she eventually gave up on him and left. But he wished she wouldn’t do that, he much prefers honesty, and he’d bern given up on so many times it barely hurt or shocked him anymore. And sure, Dr. Mesmer was pretty and smelt nice but that gave him no reason to trust her yet.
Anyway, he needed a change of bandages today. But he really didn’t want a change of bandages..The nurses were always so rough, clearly in a rush to get it done so that they could be away from him and get it over with. He wished deeply he could do it himself, and had asked many times, but they refused to give him bandages of his own. Something about suicide? No matter, he thought it was ridiculous. If he wanted to kill himself he would’ve already, and he wouldn’t need the stupid bandages to do the job. He had plenty of tools in here to do that, but when was anything in this place ever really logical?
The answer was never, by the way.
Emil passed the morning by looking out the barred window of his room, he couldn’t make out much…But he could always tell what type of weather was out there, today it was gloomy. Most days it was gloomy, but sometimes it rained, or it was sunny. The weather typically was just..wet, in a way. Humid and kind of cold. Everyday the staff would take all the patients (well, the ones that were allowed to) outside, most of the patients went but Emil usually skipped. When he first got here he would go out, but as the time passed it just became too repetitive. You would think fresh air and seeing the sun would make you feel better, but in a way it made him feel worse. If it was sunny enough he’d go outside, but the depressing weather just did nothing but remind him of where he was found. This was the main reason why his skin was such a sickly pale color, he also wondered if the meds he was given didn’t help that case at all.
He was sure when they found him he didn’t look too great, but he was even more sure that currently he looked like a corpse with a barely beating heart. His skin was almost transparent, hair messy and dry from the cheap 2 in 1 shampoo they gave him. His veins stuck out like a sore thumb, and because his skin was so sick looking all the scars on his body felt illuminated. Hence why he preferred to wear his long sleeves and pants, while most of the other patients wore more comfortable uniforms. At first the staff forced him to wear the short sleeved shirts everyone else adorned, but once his looks became too unbearable he would lash out until they were eventually forced to give him the clothing he wanted. It was kind of funny, though. Typically the higher ups were the ones forcing things, right? And yet the staff here were so against dealing with their patients if you put up enough of a fight they’d give in. Silly.
By the time it was med time Emil was already feeling fatigued and tired, not even sure from what. He got his meds right before lunch, since the doctors said something about him needing to eat with them? Or something. He wasn’t quite sure what he was given, it had switched a lot since he’d been here and the names were so complicated they left his brain almost as soon as they entered. So here he stood in line with the other group of patients that took their meds at this time, eventually making it to the front. He threw back the medication, opening his mouth for the staff to prove he had really taken them, and watching as she wrote something down and shooed him off.
He decided that before he hurried off to his room he would glance around the common room, he rarely did this but sometimes it made him feel more involved..And slightly less isolated. It was the typical sight, people sitting on chairs and couches, some watching TV, some writing or drawing. And of course a staff member sat at the front side of the room to moderate things. He noticed that the staff today was Dr. Mesmer, and his face couldn’t help but perk up slightly. He was surprised she came back, and seemed so..Involved. She looks tired, yes, but she also was actually paying attention. It seemed to Emil that she truly did care about what the patients here were doing.
He stared for probably too long, acknowledging that today her lipstick was red rather than brown, and then turned to rush to his room, afraid of being caught looking at her.
He was just intrigued by the doctor, that’s all. She was different in a way he couldn’t quite place, he’d never thought about one of the staff members here so much. She lingered in his brain, everything about her coming off so graceful in a way. He admired her efforts, but was sure that she wouldn’t stay this eager for long. This place wears everyone who enters here down. Even the walls and furniture were old, creaky and falling apart under whoever’s use. Emil was certain his bed had been used many many times before him, he just wondered how many times. He couldn’t doubt that it could be even in the hundreds.
It seemed with the patients here you either stayed for a very long time, or were in and out in a flash. It was bizarre to him. Some people had been here long before he had, and still remained, and he had watched many others come and go. He hoped one day he could go, but everyday his hope weakened. And by now was almost nonexistent.
30 minutes after he took his medicine lunch began and he ushered out of his room. He stood in the corner of the cafeteria while everyone else got their food, waiting to be last so that he could avoid any crowds. When it was finally his turn he grabbed whatever they gave him, “oh Emil! How has your day been?” The lunch lady greeted him. “Mm same as usual..” he mumbled, when he first got here he was afraid the lunch lady, her name was Rose, would take offense to his quiet nature. But in a weird it seemed like she understood that it wasn’t a personal thing, he was just like that. “Well, that’s better that bad isn’t it?” Emil nodded, “there’s a new Doctor here, Dr. Mesmer? Have you met her?” She hummed, attempting to keep the conversation going as long as possible, as she knew that Emil probably needed the socialization. “Y-yeah, she talked to me yesterday..” he said, his face going slightly red, but barely. “Well, she’s rather pretty..” Rose lowered her voice to a whisper then, “and she seems more interested doesn’t she? I’m worried she’ll lose that hope, this place seems to do that to people. Poor girl.” Emil nodded, truly agreeing with the statement. He noticed that too, and felt the same way. “Anyways, I’ll let you get to your lunch. Always a pleasure!” Emil walked off then.
Emil moved to a table as far away as possible from the other patients, which wasn’t very far anyways considering the small and right space of the cafeteria there. He wished he could say he wasn’t always this antisocial but..He couldn’t remember. He didn’t know why he was the way he was, he didn’t even know where most of his scars came from. Only a few on his arms and legs he could put a name to. Another reason for his preferred long sleeves. There were plenty of patients were scars littering their bodies here, but Emil felt ashamed by his. If someone happened to ask him where they came from, he knew he wouldn’t be able to answer, and for some reason that filled him with a specific type of dread.
He ate slowly, picking at the food and chewing on what was decent which avoiding the rest. He thinks the nicest people in this place were the lunch ladies. He knew they tried their hardest to make something good with the limited supplies they had and they were always nice to Emil. He usually got his food after the lunch ladies were technically supposed to start locking up, but they always waited for him and greeted him with a smile and kind words. He didn’t mind them at all.
He was lost in thought as he usually was, until he felt a weight on the other side of the bench at the cafeteria table. He looked over quickly, eyes wide. He was clearly startled, as typically people left him be. At first some of the other patients tried to talk to him but..They soon realized that it was useless.
He was relieved to see that it was Dr. Mesmer, he assumed she must’ve been the one in charge of keeping things in line at lunch today. He didn’t even notice. They must’ve really been putting her to work.
“Emil, it’s so good to see you. Did you think on what we talked about yesterday?” She asked, smiling gently at the tentative man. Emil nodded, placing his fork down. His back remained slumped but he kept his eyes on Ada, shying the close opportunity to examine her face and makeup, different than it was yesterday.
“I know you already agreed to try my treatment, but I just want to make sure you’re sure. I want you to feel secure in this.” She hummed, waiting a few second and beginning to talk again when Emil didn’t answer. “Anyways, enough about that. I want you to think of me as more than just a doctor to you, okay? I’d love for you to trust me the most you can, and I would like for us to be able to talk about things other than just the hypnosis therapy.” She nodded.
“Okay, Dr. Mesmer..” he mumbled, looking down at his plate. The silence stretched on for far too long, until he eventually realized that he should probably talk too. The doctors always said he wasn’t trying hard enough, so shouldn’t he try now? Despite his nerves he attempted to speak. “A-ah, when will you..see me?” He asked. Something about the way he spoke was..Odd. He paused at incorrect places, some words coming out rushed and some far too slow. But he tried to pull himself together atleast a bit, he didn’t want Dr. Mesmer to think he was dumb, or something.
Ada’s smile widened at that, nodding. “Anytime! When would you like me to, Emil? I could even see you after this if you’d like, I want to take this at your pace.” She said, but even though she hid it she was nervous. Her first session on Emil..It could determine whether he wanted to continue with this or not, she had to make it comfortable for him.
Emil perked up a little, “mm..After this?” He asked, sitting up a little, which did him no good since Dr. Mesmer was still taller than him. The woman nodded, smiling at Emil, “yes, after this. Eat your lunch and when I’m done taking everyone to the common room I will come to you, alright?” She said softly, and Emil nodded. “Good, I will see you then.” She smiled, standing up and leaving to go check on other patients, since she had probably already spent too much time with Emil when her job was to check on everyone.
Emil had never eaten so quickly. By the time lunch was over he felt like his skin was on fire, and he sat patiently at the edge of his bed. At every noise coming from outside the room or the door he perked up, checking to see if it was Dr. Mesmer. It was not. And when it eventually was her he had to attempt to hide his nerves, but failed for the most part as his body still shook slightly, and he stuttered everytime they talked. Something told him that today would change everything. That he was meant to meet Dr. Mesmer somehow and she really did care for him and her intentions were true.
But also, maybe it was the fact that she was the first truly nice and genuine person he had met since he awoke from the awful fever that left him here. And he could already feel himself growing attached, and trusting her when the back of his head was screaming at him not to. It was like something beckoned him to her, and while his walls were still up he still desired to know more about him. But he knew that was unprofessional, she asked the questions and he answered, he was fine with that..
Ada smiled at Emil, “hello, how was lunch?” She questioned, pulling a chair up to face his bed. Emil shrugged, “fine..” he said, picking at his cuticles nervously. “I heard you ate all your food, that’s very good Emil.” She praised, and then Emil’s face truly turned red, bright red. “O-oh ah thank you Dr. Mesmer.” He stammered. Ada noticed this but pushed it off. Ada was aware that she was..Decent, looking. And Emil was very sheltered, she was sure he hadn’t really experienced romance before and therefore was confused when someone was nice to him, mistaking her gestures as flirting. It was cute, but unprofessional.
“So, I’d like to start our session off with a few questions; Is shock therapy the only treatment you’ve received?” Emil nodded, Ada frowned slightly but pulled herself back together. “Alright…Do you have any friends here?” Emil hesitated but shook his head, before peeking up a bit “I’m friends with rose.” He said, Ada quirked an eyebrow. She’s read almost all the files since she’s gotten here. No mention of a Rose. “Who’s Rose?” She questioned softly, not wanting to offend him if Rose turned out to be nonexistent. “Ah uhm…The lunch lady.” He said, embarrassment covering his face. Ada sensed this. “No need to feel embarrassed Emil, any person counts as a friend.” She reassured.
“Well, let’s move on.” She nodded, not wanted to prod too much as it was only the first day of therapy. “I want you to get comfortable Emil, if you need to lay down you can. I actually would recommend it.” She said, her nerves starting to build. She wanted to do this right. She had..experimented on some people, but this felt bigger. Emil was very different than her past patients. Emil did as he was told, Ada admired and appreciated that, and laid down, not being able to help his awkwardness. “You’re too stiff, relax. Everything is going to be okay, this isn’t going to hurt at all.” She reassured him softly, keeping her voice gentle. Emil breathed in deeply, letting his muscles relax. “Are you ready?” He nodded, and with that the gentle humming of the whistle filled the room. At first Emil felt nothing, but as the whistle continued on it felt almost like he was sleeping, but awake at the same time. His muscles felt almost like jello in his skin. He felt insanely concentrated, he was fully aware of what was around him, but he wasn’t on edge or paranoid like he usually was. “Let’s start, Emil. How do you feel?” Ada asked, speaking quietly as to not startle him out of his dazed state. “Mm..good, I feel calm.” He stated, not a stutter or hesitance in sight. Dr. Mesmer felt relieved, this was a good sign. “Good. What’s in your head? What are you imagining.” Emil didn’t answer for a second, his eyebrows furrowing as he searched for an answer, trying to think. “Dogs.” He said, and Ada nodded, writing it down in her notebook. “What are the dogs doing?” She prodded gently, “…growling, I-I think at me.” He said, his breathing picking up frantically, his mouth forming into a gentle smile. “The dogs are bad? Not friendly at all?” She asked, his voice gentle, it was clear he was having a hard time and she didn’t want to make it worse. “They’re coming towards me” he said shakily, “h-help me please” his voice going up a few octaves in panic, almost like he was going to cry. “Dr. Mesmer please.” He cried, and Ada panicked for a second. She’s never had a patient react so badly. She quickly pulled herself together, snapping and pulling him out.
Emil sat up immediately, scooting backwards toward the bed frame and holding his knees close to his chest. His breathing was heaving, frantic and quick. “Emil..I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for that to be so scary for you.” She apologized softly, her voice founding…Genuine. He stared at her for a second, “I-I’m sorry, Dr. Mesmer.” He apologized, convinced he had done something wrong. Ada shook her head, “it’s not your fault Emil..And I know that was scary, but I think it’s a good sign.” She said, and Emil looked at her as if she was the crazy one. “I know I know; but this could be a lead into your past, dogs could be why you were found in such an awful state covered in so many scars.” She spoke gently, “I’d like you to keep trying with me me, keep cooperating, I think we can put some pieces together.” Emil hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Do you promise?” He asked.
“Yes Emil; I promise, I would never hurt you.”