Chapter Text
Almost 20 years ago, Mark lent his love to Fernando.
Mark had a pretty girlfriend, but he preferred to spend his weekends with his best friend. They would go out together, or stay in Fernando's cramped apartment and watch the same old movies.
Mark always left first thing in the morning on Mondays, leaving behind a silent promise to see each other again as soon as possible and a piece of clothing for Fernando to keep.
Despite having a girlfriend, Mark liked to admire Fernando more than she. He always mentioned the other man's qualities and told funny stories about the experiences they both had. His friends knew the names of Fernando's parents but didn't know Mark's girlfriend's last name.
His friends thought that Mark and Fernando would end up dating one day, but that never happened.
Fernando loved Mark, more than a friend. He knew that and he knew that Mark knew it, he also knew that Mark loved him, but not enough to choose him.
Mark liked to please, so he always let Fernando eat the last slice of pizza or choose the movie they would watch. He reciprocated Fernando's feelings up to a certain limit.
One night, while they were drunk at Fernando's apartment, the two kissed for the first time. It was at that moment that Fernando was sure that he had never loved anyone the way he loved Mark, that he was his first love. He wanted to know what Mark thought that night, since he didn't mention whether or not he remembered after the terrible hangover the next day.
Fernando wanted Mark to have more confidence at that time, to explain himself better, to be less cruel when he decided to break his heart.
Things suddenly changed when Mark showed up at Fernando's apartment on an afternoon when he wasn't supposed to be there. That's why Fernando was confused and worried, as he sensed that the matter was serious. He invited Mark in, but the man stood in the doorway as if his feet were glued to the floor.
Every time he remembers that day, Fernando believes he can remember every detail about Mark a little more. The dark blue sweater that his mother hated, the jeans with the paint-stained hem (which never came off, even after washing countless times. Fernando doesn't know why there was paint on Mark's pants). The restless hands hanging at his sides, the sweaty forehead, the messy dark hair on top of his head (as if he had pulled out the strands before having the courage to knock on Fernando's door), the distressed look, the chapped lips. Mark's voice sounded weak but firm, in a way Fernando had never heard, when he said:
“I’m so sorry, Nando. I can’t date a boy.”
Then Mark announced that he was going to marry his forgotten girlfriend and move in with her in another city. He didn't invite Fernando to the wedding, he just said goodbye. Then he left, as if all those years of friendship with Fernando, the looks, the flirting, the kisses, had meant nothing.
Fernando knew Mark's family better than his girlfriend, he had a good relationship with Mark's parents, cousins, uncles and aunts. The family dog always sat at his feet when he visited.
But Mark chose to forget about it and leave with his girlfriend who didn't know that Mark's mother put a photo of Fernando in the Webber family album.
Fernando watched his first love leave and take his heart with him.
20 years later, Fernando met someone familiar.
***
Fernando's job isn't the best, but it's enough. It could be better, of course.
There was a day when the office workers were all the same age or similar varieties. However, as the years went by, Fernando's co-workers and friends left, some getting promotions, others going to work in other offices. One by one they went, until Fernando was left.
Currently, he is the oldest employee in the entire sector, the most experienced. He has to deal with younger employees on a daily basis, some respected him for being an older employee and listened to him, others looked at him as if they wanted Fernando to retire and go live in a nursing home immediately. He wasn't that old, he was 42!
Some more curious people always looked at Fernando's hands, looking for a ring that betrayed his relationship status, or for a photograph on his desk of any children or family members to remember at work, but there was none.
Fernando liked being the tough employee who had worked at the same company for 10 years, respected and experienced, but he hated how sorry his young co-workers felt for him. There's nothing wrong with being 40 years old, never having married or having a family. Some people prefer to live like this. But just because Robert is 26 and has a wife who just gave birth to twins, wow, Fernando is the late one! How about they discuss Robert needing a promotion to support his two babies?
Nobody knew Fernando outside the office. They didn't know how many nights Fernando looked at the search on Instagram and considered looking for Mark, just out of curiosity, to find out what he does. Contrary to popular belief, Fernando is quite up to date on memes and social media.
Anyway, if they knew, they would think it's pathetic that a 42-year-old man is afraid of finding his ex's (ex-friend? ex-almost-boyfriend?) profile on Instagram, after 20 years. Who does this, after all, if not someone who hasn't gotten over the relationship.
He believes that Mark doesn't even have an Instagram account, he would definitely complain about younger people being addicted to it. The thought makes Fernando laugh. Or, maybe Mark was the kind of guy people called a DILF, posting photos of his face showing off his strong jaw. Mark has always had a masculine beauty that fascinated Fernando. The question of having no idea causes a knot in Fernando's stomach.
Anyway, despite things not being perfect, Fernando likes his routine. Every now and then he would go out to drink beer with his old co-workers and complain about younger employees who like to prove they know more than him.
Sebastian, one of his former co-workers, said it was part of being the oldest figure in the office. Nobody invited Fernando to have lunch together because it was the same thing as leaving work accompanied by your father.
“That’s why you left, so Charles could go out to lunch with you without being bullied by his colleagues for it?” Fernando responded acidly, although his playful smile belied his humor. “After lunch, do you take him to play in the playground and buy ice cream?”
Sebastian just rolls his eyes at his idiot friend and drinks more of his beer, not being hit by the defensive comment.
One of the boys who works in the office is Charles, Sebastian's boy. For a while, the two worked in the same sector, but soon Sebastian transferred to another building and Charles took his place.
Fernando thinks Charles is a good guy, he doesn't believe he deserves to suffer all the sabotage his colleagues do to him. The two don't talk, but they share a mutual respect for each other. Sometimes Charles reminds Fernando of Sebastian from a few years ago, this makes him feel good, as if his friend still works with him.
Sebastian was right with his thinking, no one wanted to be friends with Fernando because he was the oldest, it would be a little weird. Therefore, they put a safe distance between him and respected him. And Fernando doesn't mind, anyway, he prefers to live his comfortable routine, happy not to have to take care of any 20 year olds in the office.
"Fernando?"
"Yes?"
Fernando raised his head, looking away from the spreadsheet he had been staring at for the last 36 minutes on his computer, a function he did every day in the first hour before truly starting his work. It is important to check the data before entering it into the system.
His eyes looked at his boss, who hovered with a hopeful smile on his lips, his hand resting on the empty table in front of Fernando's.
“As you may have seen in the email” his boss started to say. Fernando vaguely remembered an email talking about a new employee who would be joining them in April. When he looked at the cheap calendar on his desk, he saw that it was already April 12th. “Today is the day that Oscar will join our office. As I know, you are the best employee to help with his adaptation, and he will also accompany you in your work, so you won't waste any more time checking spreadsheets every day”
For the first time, Fernando noticed a figure hidden behind the older man's body. His eyes fell on a young boy, white skin, with a few spots on his face, light brown hair similar to his eyes, wearing a poorly ironed blue shirt. The boy looked nervously at Fernando and raised a hand to wave at him.
“Hi, I’m Oscar”
“I'm sure you two will get along great! Fernando felt a little lonely on this side” the last comment was directed only at Oscar, like a whisper that wasn't said low enough “Anyway, Oscar, this is your table” he pointed to the empty table in front of Fernando's “And this is your mentor. If you have any questions, you can ask Fernando” and then he left, leaving Oscar and Fernando alone.
Fernando faced the boy once again, not believing that he needs to take care of a 20 year old in his office from now on.
***
Working with Oscar is peaceful, that's what Fernando can say.
The boy barely speaks. If he hadn't introduced himself before, Fernando wouldn't have known what his voice sounded like.
He gives Oscar some papers and a pen and asks him to mark only the payments that have been confirmed, responding every now and then when the boy asks if he needs to mark a line or not. Other than that, Oscar didn't speak. If it weren't for his presence and the sound of his breathing, Fernando wouldn't remember that there was someone sitting in front of him.
Oscar works quickly, so Fernando constantly needs to hand him new tasks to do. The two work in an awkward silence, as the man doesn't know how to make Oscar feel at home. He never needed to introduce anyone to the environment, make them comfortable.
When the sheets to fill out were finished, Fernando got up and stood next to Oscar to teach him how to use the office system. Fortunately, the boy learned quickly and was soon able to check other data that Fernando needed.
The two worked well together, which surprised Fernando. Oscar was calm, serene, eager to learn new things. He only bothered the man when Oscar finished his task before him, and he would play with things on his desk or stare at Fernando over the computer.
When the clock announced that there were 10 minutes left until lunch time, Fernando stretched out in his uncomfortable chair and let out a long yawn. No more work for now, he needs to eat.
“Hey, Oscar” he called the young man.
Oscar looked up from the values he was checking for Fernando in the spreadsheet on his computer, and replied:
"Yes?"
“It’s almost lunch time, you can continue this in an hour”
Oscar looked uncertainly at the spreadsheet, then at Fernando, deciding what to do. When he leaned back against the chair, Fernando knew he was victorious.
“Come on, there's a restaurant that all the employees go to” and so, Fernando walked around the office with Oscar following behind.
Fernando's idea was to make Oscar meet and interact with the other employees. He came up with the theory that the boy kept quiet because he thought it was strange to be friends with someone older, just like everyone else did. So, he would take Oscar to lunch at the restaurant everyone goes to so he can meet other people his age.
When they arrived, Fernando was right, all the other 20 year olds were there.
“If you want, you can sit next to them. They’re nice” not all of them, but Fernando didn’t want to scare the young man. He strategically pointed to the table where he knew Oscar would be welcomed and speak more than 3 words per hour.
Oscar waved, but didn't move from his spot. Fernando let him take his own time, then walked to the table he always sat at to have lunch alone. When the man pulled out the chair to sit down, he noticed someone doing the same in front of him. Lifting his head, he saw Oscar sit down next to him and pick up the menu to choose something.
To say it surprised him would be an understatement. To avoid seeming strange and unwanted Oscar there, Fernando sat in his usual place, but didn't look at the menu. He already knew what he was going to order.
Instead, he watched Oscar.
Oscar seemed to look at the options with interest, reading every line carefully. He seemed to have doubts as he frowned, but he quickly made up his mind and went to analyze the drinks.
Fernando didn't understand why Oscar decided to sit with him instead of meeting other people his age. Maybe he was very introverted and Fernando is the first person he interacts with, so he will follow him everywhere like a puppy.
When he looks at the other tables, he notices some employees staring at the scene with the same surprise.
“And you, the usual?”
Fernando wakes up from his trance when he realizes that the waiter is serving them. He looks at Oscar, concluding that he has already ordered, then looks at the waiter and confirms that he will have the usual.
When they are alone again, Fernando decides to talk.
“So, Oscar, are you already of legal drinking age or should I be worried?” he joked.
Oscar's face didn't change when he replied "I turned 20 last week"
“Wow, you know how to make a guy feel young” Fernando puts his hand on his chest as if it physically hurt him “Anyway, I believe you will do well in this job. It’s just your first day, but there are nice people who will help you.”
Oscar nods, averting his eyes to the window. Fernando stares at his jaw, vaguely remembering something. There is no time for him to think as his drinks arrive.
***
After working for a few weeks with Oscar, Fernando concluded a few things.
Oscar is a naturally calm person, even when he gets angry about work he seems calm. His face becomes serious, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed. But he doesn't seem as angry as he might feel.
Oscar is a good boy, he is polite and shares little about his personal life. Fernando likes this, he doesn't feel curious to know about Oscar's life anyway.
He just finds Oscar's insistence on staying close to him strange.
Every day the two have lunch together, take their breaks together. When Oscar goes to get coffee, he asks if Fernando wants it. Which forced Fernando to ask every time it was his turn to get coffee, so as not to be rude to the boy.
They don't talk much, but Oscar still prefers the older man's company over the younger ones.
Fernando saw the other employees go to Oscar, in the rare moments when he and Fernando were not together. Maybe they invited him to lunch, to hang out with them instead of the annoying old man. Anyway, it ended with Oscar following Fernando around again.
“Maybe he likes you” said Lewis, from the other office, when Fernando shared his situation.
Fernando made a face “He’s too young”
“Not like that-” Lewis stops to laugh, massaging his forehead with his fingertips “I meant he’s a young guy who’s working in a new place, he doesn’t know anyone. He met you and must have judged you as a good person, that's why he follows you around. You're his mentor, aren't you? So he admires your work.”
“I can't take care of this boy forever, I'm not his father” Fernando snorts, resting his hands on his hips “I need to make him make a friend, just so he can leave me alone. I can’t get any more looks every time Oscar has lunch with me.”
"You do not like him?" this time, Lewis looks at Fernando in a way as if he knew Oscar well enough to defend the boy.
Fernando hesitates before responding, unconcerned.
“I only care about doing my job correctly, so I need him to do it too. I only worry about that, not him.”
***
Fernando watches some stories scroll through his Instagram, seeing what people posted during their day.
He thinks about Mark again, considering letting his curiosity get the better of him for once. Just once, find out if Mark is active on social media, then never again. God, Fernando wanted to know if Mark was even alive.
He clicks the search bar, taking a deep breath. He types Mark's name, but when he presses the letter W and a profile appears as a suggestion, Fernando closes the application as quickly as possible, like a coward.
Fernando stares at the ceiling of his room and hates himself for still thinking about the same man he did 20 years ago, or almost so. Mark has always made a presence in the rooms he has been in, he currently rents a gigantic space in Alonso's brain.
***
As the days went by, Fernando got used to Oscar being part of his routine. Strangely the two work well together. One morning, after the boss passed by their desks and made a useless comment, Fernando made a joke and Oscar laughed. Fernando had to look twice to make sure that the thing on the boy's lips was a smile.
It took a while, but Oscar stopped being completely quiet. Fernando knew it wasn't thanks to him.
One day, when the two went out to lunch together, they passed a group of boys and one of them spoke to Oscar.
“Hi, Oscar!”
Fernando turned to see who it was and wasn't surprised to notice Lando smiling at Oscar. Oscar in question raised his hand and greeted back with a shy smile.
“Hi, Lando” then, he followed Fernando again, perhaps too embarrassed to stay and talk, especially because Lando was not alone.
It was then that Fernando put 2 + 2 together and concluded that Lando was the right person to make Oscar lose his shyness and let Fernando's shadow do its job again.
"Are you friends?" Fernando asked after the waiter walked away from their table.
“Hum?”
“Lando and you” he specified, a provocative smile on his lips “Are you friends?”
Oscar stared for a few seconds before replying, with a neutral face “Oh, I don’t know, I only talked to him a few times”
Fernando murmured in agreement, preferring to leave the matter as it is.
When they returned to the office, Fernando separated a stack of papers and asked Oscar to deliver them to the neighboring sector.
“That’s their job. You can leave it on the representative’s desk and he will take care of it.”
“Who is the representative?” Oscar asked, holding up the papers handed to him.
Fernando sighs deeply and closes his eyes, pretending to think.
He snaps his fingers.
“Lando Norris! I remembered. You can leave it on his desk and he’ll know what to do.”
Oscar nods and disappears into the hallway, following his destination. Fernando smiles into space, happy that his plan is in development. He doesn't know if Lando and Oscar have things in common, but their personalities must match.
And by the time Oscar notices, he will have let Fernando have lunch alone again.
It takes a while for Oscar to return to his table, exactly as Fernando expected. Lando is a chatterbox and Oscar is a listener, he would never interrupt someone from saying something even if he was restless to get back to work.
When Oscar returns, Fernando doesn't comment on his delay or on the small smile glued to the boy's lips.
The next day, when Fernando gets up to go to lunch, Oscar says “Ah, sorry, Fernando. Lando invited me to go have lunch with him today. Everything is ok?"
Fernando is almost moved by Oscar's concern. He shows his best smile to the boy “That’s right, Oscar. Have fun, but not too much, I need you in an hour”
Oscar smiles briefly and gets up to go find Lando.