Chapter Text
“Could it be you can see them?” the priest asks.
Takashi doesn’t answer. He just made an absolute display of himself in front of this priest. He knocked the man over in a panic and then had a conversation with several yokai and Nyanko-sensei. He talked to thin air extensively and then to his pet cat who talked back—
He kneels there in the long grass of Yatsuhara, and there’s nothing he could possibly say to fix this, to take it all back. Nothing.
In response to Takashi’s paralyzed silence, the priest’s expression softens. “No, you don’t need to answer. If you want to talk, please come by anytime. You might get along well with my son.”
His son?
Takashi had been sure that Tanuma was the exorcist plaguing the yokai of Yatusuhara. He’d been sure of it. The mysterious Tanuma Kaname had felt the same as the mysterious figure in Yatsuhara.
Obviously, he was wrong. The figure is this priest, not Tanuma, but—
“Priest, what’s your name?” Takashi asks, all twisted up inside with cautious hope.
“My name is Tanuma,” the priest says, with a friendly smile. “And my son’s name is Kaname.”
Tanuma.
Takashi leaves Yatsuhara in a daze. Nothing about today went like he expected it to. He doesn’t know if he’s disappointed or thrilled, upset or happy.
He gets home, has dinner, smiles politely at the right times. He goes to his room to try to do some homework. Stares at the words on the paper but can’t hold them in his head.
Eventually he gives up. He hasn’t been at this school for long, but his teachers are already used to his erratic schoolwork. He works hard at what he’s able to turn in, but—
He can’t focus on his failures either. They’re nothing new. What’s new is—
They said Tanuma is the same as Takashi. Kitamoto and Nishimura told him today. The way Tanuma always runs off, the way he goes pale all of a sudden and looks scared. That’s why Takashi was so sure, that’s why he let himself hope—
He’s hoped before. He thought he’d learned to stop hoping for impossible things a long time ago. But here he is, hoping.
He checks the windows to see if any yokai are lurking outside, waiting to ask for their names back or beg for favors or attack him. At least for now, everything’s quiet. Nyanko-sensei’s gone again, maybe with those new yokai now that Yatsuhara is safe for them. Probably drinking.
Good riddance. He draws the blinds, goes to bed.
He lies awake, playing it all over in his head.
If Nyanko-sensei and the Mid-Ranks and Misuzu hadn’t all been there with him, Takashi would have thought that Tanuma-san must be another yokai. But they were sure the priest is human.
And Tanuma Kaname? Is he human? Nyanko-sensei doesn’t come with Takashi to school. His teachers tolerate a lot but they wouldn’t let him bring his cat to class. So there’s no one he can ask.
It’s not enough that other people can see Tanuma. Powerful yokai can pretend to be human. And Takashi felt something from him, some kind of power, just like he felt Tanuma-san’s power.
But Tanuma-san can’t see yokai. He can purify them with incredible force, but he can’t See.
But Tanuma Kaname goes pale and scared all of a sudden. So surely—
Takashi groans as he thinks about going back to school in the morning. He made a display of himself there, too. Shouted at the Mid-Ranks several times, right in front of his schoolmates.
His newest school is already full of rumors about him, about his questionable past and his questionable mental health. Everyone there already knows there’s something wrong with him. They always do, no matter how hard he tries to hide it. But he hates making it worse, adding fuel to the ever-burning fire of his reputation.
He’s always told himself it’s for the best. If he doesn’t get anyone’s hopes up, they might not hate him as much when they find out what he is. He’s going to be gone soon anyway. Handed off again to another unwilling family, another school full of rumors. When that happens, the people who are suffering from him will forget he was ever there, and be happy again.
Except the Fujiwaras aren’t unwilling. They asked him to come live with him. He’s been here for long enough for their kind expressions to fade, for their patience to wear thin. But they haven’t.
One day they’ll come to their senses. Even the Fujiwaras can’t have endless patience. If he’s very lucky, he’ll run out the last of his childhood here, and then he can get a job and his own place and stop being a burden.
He was lucky today. Tanuma-san can’t see yokai, but he believes in them and doesn’t fear them. And he invited Takashi to come back, urged him to meet his son.
Takashi turns in his bed, unsettled, confused. That invitation—
Tanuma-san shouldn’t have made it. It was a mistake. So many people have made the mistake of inviting him into their lives. He knows how it ends. He knows how this must end.
His stomach twists with sudden anger, and he clutches at his blanket, knuckles white. Anger at the Fujiwaras, at Tanuma-san. At Kitamoto and Nishimura for being so kind to him, even though they already know what he is, told him to his face today that they know. At Nyanko-sensei for his half-hearted protection, when Takashi shouldn’t have any protection at all.
He shoves the anger down, away. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. He should just be grateful. He should just smile and not upset anyone. Every moment of their kindness is more than he deserves and he should treat it like the gift that it is.
A knock on his window startles him badly. When he gathers his wits, he braces himself and opens the curtains. The ones who knock are usually the least trouble. Glad for the distraction, Takashi lets in the yokai and gives back its name. In exchange, he gets a new memory of Reiko and her games, and enough exhaustion to finally quiet his racing thoughts.
Another page gone. So many to go.
He closes the window, draws the blinds, and collapses back into bed. He’s asleep in seconds.
The next morning, the Mid-Ranks are back, cheering him on again in thanks. This time Takashi keeps his expression calm and doesn’t react, like he wishes he always could. It’s a small victory.
It doesn’t matter. The damage from yesterday is already done. There’s more people glancing at him and whispering to each other than usual. It will die down soon, until he makes another display of himself.
But Nishimura and Kitamoto still walk with him like they always do, treat him like they always do. They complain about the homework Natsume couldn’t finish last night. They talk about a tv show they both watch. Takashi should probably start watching more tv so he can contribute to their conversations, but he never has the time.
His teachers all look at him with resigned disappointment as he turns in his incomplete homework. He learned a long time ago to not bother with excuses, and just write his apologies directly on the homework. He doesn’t especially want their sympathy, but not apologizing feels rude when he is sorry. He wants to be better at school, but he never has the time.
And then it’s lunch. Takashi doesn’t eat, can’t eat. He goes to the same window as he did before and looks down at the cheering Mid-Ranks in the school garden, and waits.
He feels Tanuma Kaname before he sees him, just like he did yesterday. Maybe Tanuma’s power is religious, like his father? Being the child of a priest must make one especially devout.
Tanuma-san said his son is sensitive, that he gets affected by things, gets sick from them. And that’s why he was purifying Yatsuhara, to soothe the spirits there.
Takashi watches as Tanuma walks up to the other window and looks down, right at the Mid-Ranks. Takashi’s heart is racing, but he keeps his expression perfectly calm. Today, he is staying calm. He is grateful for every kindness, every meeting.
“Can you see them?” he asks, calmly.
Tanuma turns, surprised.
“Down there. Do you see something strange?”
“No,” Tanuma says.
Takashi’s heart is quietly crushed. Of course he can’t. Of course. It was absurd to—
“But for a moment, I saw two strange shadows,” Tanuma continues. He gives a small, self-effacing laugh. The kind Takashi knows all too well, from the inside. “Sometimes I see shadows and feel a presence. Sorry for being weird.”
It’s like Takashi’s been struck. Tanuma’s words ring him like a bell, shaking up everything Takashi tries to tell himself he doesn’t feel.
“I heard a rumor that sometimes you act like you see things,” Tanuma continues. “So I wanted to talk to you. But it’s probably my imagination.”
And before Takashi can even think of talking himself out of it, he walks right up to Tanuma and says, calmly, “I can see them. I can see very weird things.”
Tanuma looks at him in surprise again.
Takashi used to tell people what he saw all the time. He pointed at yokai and asked if they needed another serving for their dinner guest, or screamed in terror and begged for help that never came.
He can’t stop himself from Seeing, but he could stop himself from Saying. So he stopped, and didn’t plan to ever start again.
It helps. It probably bought him an extra month or two with each family that housed him. He wants to stay in Hitoyoshi for as long as he can.
“It’s a secret, though,” Takashi adds. Has to add. It probably doesn’t matter what Tanuma tells people, when everyone already knows what he is. But rumors and strange behavior are one thing, Saying is another.
He shouldn’t be doing this. It’s pushing his luck. He doesn’t think there’s anyone left to take him, if the Fujiwaras change their minds too soon. But he can’t stop himself. He doesn’t want to be alone anymore.
“We might just be the weird ones,” he says, with just the right amount of self-effacing humor. Just the right smile.
“I see,” Tanuma says. “You may be right.” And then he smiles, like Takashi smiles. And that smile rings Takashi like a bell, too.
If he wasn’t so perfectly calm today, Takashi would be screaming. But he is calm. He is grateful.
“Maybe you could come over sometime,” Tanuma says. “To the temple, I mean. My dad’s a great cook.”
Dinner. Tanuma is inviting him to dinner. With his dad.
It’s suddenly all too much.
“Of course,” Takashi lies, keeping his smile perfect. “Thank you, that’s very generous. Touko-san, one of the people I live with, is also a wonderful cook.” Why did he say that? He absolutely should not be inviting someone who can See, even a little bit, to the Fujiwara house.
“The people you live with?” Tanuma asks, smile fading into confusion. “Not your parents?”
Ah. Tanuma hasn’t been here long enough to hear all the rumors, then. “I’m an orphan,” he says, calmly, even though inside he is absolutely panicking.
“Oh,” Tanuma says, startled, then pitying.
Takashi is used to that. “It’s all right, the Fujiwaras are very kind.” He tries to say more, about how lucky he is to be here, all the usual gratitudes, but as suddenly as all those words came out of him, they stop.
There’s an awkward silence.
And then Takashi comes to his senses.
He thought— Somehow he thought, if he could just find the right person, that would fix everything. They would understand each other without words. But what else is there to say, now that they’ve Said it?
Takashi already has to smile his way through every other human interaction in his life. Somehow it feels wrong to do that with Tanuma. But he can hardly talk to Tanuma like he does Nyanko-sensei or other yokai.
Tanuma isn’t the same as him, not really. He can only see shadows.
“It was good to meet you properly,” Takashi says, falling back on politeness. “I have to get back to class. I’m sure we’ll talk again soon.”
Takashi pauses just long enough to see Tanuma stare at him in hurt confusion, and then he turns and walks away, just walks, not caring where he ends up.
He ends up in a storage closet. He just stands there. Not panicking or breaking down. Just calm. But he can’t move either.
He misses an entire class period, standing there, stuck. The sound of people in the hall, walking past the closet door finally snaps him out of it. He feels thirsty and dizzy and didn’t get to each his lunch. When he gets to his desk, Nishimura taps him on the shoulder and asks if he needs to go to the nurse.
Takashi shakes his head. He’s fine. He’s calm.
When school ends, he sees Tanuma near the gate. Tanuma sees him. Starts towards him. Takashi smiles politely, then turns and walks away.
He can’t do this.
He usually meets Nyanko-sensei on the way home, but Takashi can’t go home. He can’t face the Fujiwaras, can’t face Nyanko-sensei. It’s dangerous for him to walk around like this, unprotected, but he’s stuck, like he was in the storage closet. Sometimes he gets stuck.
Somehow he ends up at a shrine. He stands there, just inside the gates, feeling the strong power of the shrine’s protection, and tries to be calm.
And then he hears a noise from inside the shrine. And he freezes up in a different way.
To his horrified relief, Tanuma-san steps out of the shrine. “Natsume-kun?” he says, surprised.
“Why—“ is all Takashi can get out of himself. Why is Tanuma-san here? There isn’t usually anyone here, not yokai and not humans.
He never told Tanuma-san his name. So Kaname must have told him. They must have talked to each other about him yesterday, after Tanuma-san got back. People always talk about him.
“Now that Yatsuhara temple is restored, I have time to work on these neglected shrines,” Tanuma-san explains. He steps towards Takashi and frowns. “Are you feeling all right? You look pale.”
“I missed lunch,” Takashi lies. Half-lies.
Tanuma-san puts a gentle hand on him, and guides him over to the shrine building to sit.
“I’m afraid I don’t have much,” Tanuma-san says, reaching into a bag on the wooden platform. “But I think— Ah, here we go.” He pulls out an orange and a cloth napkin. He sits down next to Takashi and starts peeling it. “It’s always good to bring a snack.”
Takashi thinks of Touko’s bento, still wrapped and untouched in his bag. He can’t take a priest’s food. “Thank you, that’s very generous, but—“
“Here you go,” Tanuma-san says, ignoring his protest. He places several segments of orange into Takashi’s hands. “Just a few bites and you’ll feel better.” And then he eats a segment himself, and gives Takashi a warm smile.
Takashi eats the orange segments. The sharp sweetness helps somehow, pulling him down from the strange state he’s been floating in.
“I’m sorry,” he says, embarrassed. He made another display of himself already. He missed class, standing like an idiot in a closet for ages. There’s no excuse for his behavior. No one did anything to him, not humans or yokai. It was just his own weakness, his own failure.
When Tanuma-san gets home, Tanuma will tell him what happened. That Takashi admitted he can see yokai, and then was rude to Tanuma twice. Tanuma must already be realizing his mistake in trying to be friends with Takashi.
And of course it’s only now that Takashi even realizes that’s what’s been happening. Tanuma kept trying to meet him and kept chickening out, and then finally talked to him today. And it was all going fine until Takashi ruined it. Tanuma probably doesn’t want anything to do with him now.
Takashi shouldn’t have taken the orange segments. He needs to pay Tanuma-san back. He reaches into his own bag and takes out Touko’s bento. He’ll have to pay Touko back for the bento container and the wrapping. Maybe he can buy replacements so she won’t notice? It’s always better if he can hide that anything was broken or lost in the first place.
But he doesn’t know where to find the same ones. So the next best option is to pay for it. He has enough on him, despite the way Nyanko-sensei’s gluttonous appetite drains his wallet. It’s safest to pay right away, so any anger fades quickly. And this way, Touko-san can buy new ones she likes.
He hands Tanuma-san the bento, and Tanuma-san takes it, confused.
“Thank you,” Takashi says, with a bow. “Please give my sincere apologies to your son for my unacceptable behavior.”
And then Takashi turns and leaves as fast as he can without obviously running away.
He goes home and smiles. When Touko-san asks for the bento container, Takashi lies and says he lost it. He tries to pay for it, but Touko-san won’t let him.
He should have known she wouldn’t. The Fujiwaras are frustratingly generous. He’s grateful, deeply so. If they were any less generous he wouldn’t be living with them. But he already owes them so much.
Today was full of mistakes. Yesterday too. Takashi knows better than to engage with yokai. He tries to avoid them as much as he avoids humans. But yokai don’t care about how strange he is. If they want to engage with him, there’s little he can do to stop them.
He’ll do better tomorrow. He’ll apologize to Tanuma and smile at him the same way he smiles at everyone else. Then everything will be fine.
He goes up to his room and pushes everything out of his mind. His teachers returned his incomplete homework and gave him an extra day to finish it. That was more than kind of them. So he can’t disappoint them.
No distractions, no name returns. Not until he gets everything done. He has so much to make up for.