Chapter Text
John lay on the sofa, breathless and panting, just watching Sherlock. He looked younger like this, relaxed, his walls down in a rare, unguarded moment. He opened his eyes, focussing on John, and smiled. Then he seemed to come to some sort of realisation, and John could see the walls going back up; the look of pain on his face worrying John.
“Sherlock?” John asked, gently. “What is it, love? What’s wrong?” Sherlock turned away, making as though to get up from the sofa, but John laid his hand on Sherlock’s hip, staying his motion. “Sherlock? Please tell me, love…”
Sherlock turned back to John, his eyes brimming with tears. “John, I… I know what you’ve been doing.” John’s brow crinkled, he couldn’t think of anything Sherlock might possibly be referring to. “I know about saying yes, John, and I know that’s the only reason you kissed me…” His eyes dropped from John’s and closed; the sparkling tear that had been threatening to fall dropped over the bottom lid, sliding slowly down his cheek. John couldn’t help himself, he laughed, pulling Sherlock close to his body and wrapping his arms and legs around Sherlock’s body.
“I should have realised you knew after the health food store,” he giggled, and Sherlock looked up at him in confusion. “Sherlock, you’re right, I was saying yes to everything, although goodness only knows how you found out! I was saying yes to everything, but only for a month… and that month was up the day after that bloody kids party. Everything I’ve done since then… everything we’ve done together today, I did it because I wanted to do it… because I want you!” At his words, Sherlock’s mouth dropped open, and John could see that he was having difficulty processing what John had said.
“Sherlock, it wasn’t until after… after the rooftop… that I realised just how much you meant to me. And then when you came back, I was caught up with Mary, and I couldn’t just drop everything with her, I had to do right by her… Lot of good that did me in the end though…”
“John, I…”
“No Sherlock, please, let me finish… After it all went tits up with Mary, I came back here, back to you, and I had no idea how you felt… You do feel something for me, don’t you? I’m not imagining things, am I?”
“No, John, you’re not imagining things…”
“I felt so down, I’d lost a wife and a baby in one fell swoop, and I was living here with you and didn’t know I could ever be happy again… If I had known how you felt, I’d have had something to live for, something to lift my life… I’m not saying I’d have jumped into your arms, of course not, I needed time to grieve for what I lost, but I’d have had something there… Do you understand what I’m saying, Sherlock?”
For the first time, Sherlock looked John directly in the eye, a small smile on his face. “John, I can’t tell you how happy I was when you came back to live here… I knew I loved you since the moment I started planning how things would go down on the rooftop… I couldn’t bear the idea that you would have to see me die, and that was when I realised how I felt… But I didn’t know I wanted you until that night at Mungo’s.”
John smiled ruefully, the bruise from his phone had lasted a good couple of weeks, turning various shades of purple, green and yellow before finally fading. “So what do we do now?” he asked, taking hold of Sherlock’s hand. “I love you Sherlock, but I don’t want to rush into this, it’s too important to get wrong.”
“How about starting with dinner? Angelo’s?”