Chapter Text
“We’re done with orientation and dorm assignments?” Spider heard a distant voice. More fucking british people, shoot him now!
The voices in the room got louder as he approached it, trailing Weird Fucker and that dickass cat.
“Well, that ceremony was as boring as ever.” A non-british voice complained, yammering on about new students as the last one did.
“New students!” The voice that spoke next wasn’t british, but somehow even worse, like a car salesman and a gay podcast host had some ungodly offspring. “Allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your achievement.” Annoying voice then proceeded to yammer on even more than the first two.
“Does anyone know where the headmage went?” Asked some bitch that sounded preppy as hell, Spider could just tell he wanted to punch them and their probably perfect face.
“Some headmage he is.” that one almost sounded like a recording. Also annoying,whatever.
“Maybe he had a tummyache?” followed the next voice. Spider rolled his eyes yet again, because what are you, five?
It was then that Weird Fucker busted through the door like some spirit halloween FBI or some shit. “I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!”
“Ah, speak of the devil.” that British bitch piped up again. Oh of course it was a fucking twink.
Crowley yammered on about the ‘new student that failed to show for orientation’, while Spider stood in the doorframe, his eyes trailing along the room. It was rather pretty, something you’d see in a fantasy film.
Lanterns and crystals hung from the impossibly high ceilings, a bunch of students crowded inside the circle of strange floating coffins.
In the center was a mirror, but it didn’t reflect anything. It was like a green smoke, like that bitch from Snow White. This much be that ‘dark mirror’ Weird Fucker told him to step up to.
Spider doesn’t want a fucking dorm.
“No, fuck you and your fucking dorm.” He scowled, earning a few surprised gasps from the students around. Pussy ass freshmen, Spider figured. Weird fucker just glared. After some internal conflict, he stumbled up to the mirror, because why not.
Was everyone staring at him? He felt like they were. Usually he liked being the center of attention, but right now he just wanted to fucking leave.
“State your name.” The mirror beckoned.
“State your name, whore.”
The mirror just reiterated, so Spider just gave it what it wants, instead of trying to pull off a Joe Mama joke or whatever.
The mirror barked his name back, and Spider did NOT like it.
“Spider Killian…”
“Shut the fuck up you pasty ass bitc-”
“The essence of your soul is…”
“These nu-”
“...unclear to me.”
“Pardon?”
Weird Fucker echoed him, stepping up closer. “What did you just say??”
“I sense no magical power from this one. Soundless. Colorless. Shapeless. Utterly vacant.” The mirror said with its booming voice. Now it was insulting Spider?? Fuck that. “Therefore, no dorm would be appropriate.” FUCK that, Spider didn’t even want a dorm, but now that you’re saying he can’t have one, he does.
“Fuck you too, you ugly ass motherfucker! I hope you fucking kill yo-” Weird Fucker shut him up.
“Are you suggesting that the black carriage went to receive a person who cannot even use magic??” Weird Fucker sounded somewhere between angry and confused. Spider wants to get the fuck out of here.
“But that is ABSURD!” Weird Fucker retorted, causing Spider to cringe at how stupid he sounded. “The student selection process has not erred once in its century of existence!”
Spider stepped back, somewhat unnoticed, hoping the focus came off him. He pulled his hood up to at least try and hide, which made him feel absolutely pathetic. Spider was confrontational, he was loud, he wasn’t a pussy. So why was he cowering because some mirror called him unworthy? Said that he didn’t belong?
And why, God, did that make him feel so fucking horrible?
Something rose in the pit of his stomach, a pang of anxiety he hadn’t felt in ages- it almost made him stumble. Everyone was still looking at him. God dammit, look at the goddamn mirror! Look at the goddamn mirror and the fucking bird man and that fucking cat! How is the cat not the weirdest thing? Why is everyone still looking at him??
He wanted home , he wanted to go back to Georgia, he needed to get out of here- he had to say bye to Fox at the airport, he had to go to his sister’s soccer game next month, he had to help his dad around the farm, he had to fucking leave-
The cat was talking now, Spider didn’t care- he didn’t care about anything, God dammit, WHY WERE PEOPLE STILL STARING AT HIM??
That british fucker yelled something, and then the cat yelled, and it hurt Spider’s ears- they already hurt, when did that happen? When did his chest start hurting? When did his eyes start burning and- when did that fucking fire show up??
Spider was about to euthanize that damn cat. He stood sort of frozen, staring at the waving flames. He could leave, he could run- but that was a fire, and even if these people are from this world that’s done nothing but made Spider feel like shit, they’re still people.
So like an idiot, Spider ran further into the mirror chamber.
“AAAAHHH! HELP! I’m on fire over here!” Spider’s head whipped around, he recognized that voice. It was the one that’d made the childish comment earlier, decidedly the least annoying sounding. All that Spider noticed peeking out from under the hood were striking red eyes, and that he was, in fact, on fire.
The hood fell as the boy stumbled, Spider already on his way over there, his savior complex somehow overriding his onsetting panic attack.
It was just the boy’s robe that was on fire. Spider pulled him up by his forearm, not caring to look at him, instead looking around for anyone else that was injured.
Once the boy struggled out of his flaming outer robe, he stumbled again, Spider catching him. He then let go, even if the boy still had no balance, because fuck all that gay shiii-
Spider froze when he looked at the boy.
Short, snowy white hair, and those same huge red eyes he saw peeking out, looking grateful rather than panicked, set behind eye makeup almost as heavy as his own, trailing down to gold jewelry and- God dammit Killian there’s a fucking fire, you’re straight!! Get your head in the goddamn game!!
Weird fucker yelled something about catching the animal, and Spider ran in that direction, he was going to avoid an active gay panic in any way he can. Especially during an active fire.
Another voice from earlier spoke, now with a face to attach it to. Long brown hair and… lion ears?? The fuck? Whatever, he looked insufferable. And he was whining about leaving. That bitch that sounded all preppy quipped back, and they looked the part. Spider still wanted to punch that, decidedly perfect face.
“Allow me to handle this, Headmage Crowley!” Spider nearly jumped into the fucking fire, he somehow looked even more annoying than his voice. Still sounded like a hybrid of a twink and a salesman, while also looking the part.
“WTG Azul, rackin’ up those participation credits~.” Oh that’s why it sounded like a recording, it’s coming from a tablet. Again he reiterates, What the Fuck?
Spider froze again. “Hey, um, my butt’s on fire, can someone maybe put this out?!!” Dammit, he did , wha- wait.
Spider didn’t catch him the second time he stumbled, because he was actively gay panicking.
Whatever, not his problem anymore, even if the boy did look directly at him.
Okay now Spider really wants to go home.
More yelling, more bullshitting, can no one catch this fucking cat?? It’s a fatass cat! They’re all mages! Christ he has to do everything around here-
He reaches to grab Grim by the tail, and… fails?
Bullshit, Spider doesn’t fail. He’s Spider. He can catch a fuckass cat.
Car Salesman Twink and British Twink start yammering, and Spider decides watching them chase the cat is far more entertaining, so he falls back into the crowd. If any students who are actively on fire catch his eye, he helps put them out, because again, savior complex.
While the Mighty Twink duo is chasing the fatass cat around like fucking idiots, Spider feels a tug at his hood. Is someone else on fire? God dammit, these whor-
Oh FUCK, its that pretty bitch again.
He smiles at Spider like he didn’t fucking let him stumble into the fire and not help him the second time. Spider can’t even keep up the act, he truly breaks for a split second- Spider doesn’t break. This world was affecting him.
“Thanks for helping me earlier.” Pretty bitch grins.
“I- no problem.” Christ, did Spider just stutter?? Fuck going home, now he has to kill himself.