Chapter Text
“To improve your mental defences, you must first be able to identify what you are defending. You said that your mental landscape was the ocean, correct?”
Five weeks later, after undergoing treatment to heal his neural pathways, Jim had been cleared to start meditation. As such, he found himself sitting cross-legged on a pillow in Sarek’s quarters with a candle in front of him, its flame gently flickering. Sarek himself sat similarly on the other side of the candle, the lights in the room were dimmed and the sound of gentle waves was coming through the room's speakers. For the past few weeks, Jim had felt uneasy, the emergency suppressors had made everything quiet and Jim didn't realise how much he relied on his abilities until suddenly they weren't there any more. It was disconcerting in a way he didn't expect and he was eager to start work so he could be taken off of them.
Sarek’s voice floated gently to him in the peacefulness of his quarters. “Close your eyes and imagine yourself floating on that ocean, imagine the smell of the sea, the way the waves flow around you. Imagine the rolling waves throwing up droplets of water, and how it feels for them to land on your skin. Imagine the breeze of the wind, the sunlight streaming down from above, perhaps there are even animals flying or swimming around you.”
‘For a Vulcan that sounds awfully poetic.’ Jim thought.
“Now imagine the thing you are floating on. Describe it to me.”
Jim didn't immediately answer. He sat, trying to imagine what Sarek was describing but instead of the calm waves and bright sunshine he was supposed to imagine he saw a black sky, thunder clouds blotting out the sun and all its light. Massive waves rolled past Jim, threatening to throw him into the sea, the sea which was no longer a bright blue but black and unending. Unknown to Jim the candle in front of him started flickering violently, a sign of his distress.
“Calm yourself, James. Tell me what you are seeing so that I may help.”
Taking a breath Jim started to speak, describing the hellish nature his landscape had taken on, the lighting cracking down from the sky, the waves making him feel sick, the water splashing into his face, the salty water making his eyes burn.
Sarek’s steady voice came to him, piercing the chaos surrounding him “Imagine a wind, a strong, fierce wind, blowing away the rain clouds and leaving only blue skies behind.”
The wind came, a strong powerful wind high up in the sky, its force was too high up to touch Jim but it was able to blow away the storm clouds in one great gust.
“Good, now calm the sea, the waves slowly gentling until only the smallest roll exists.”
This took longer, the sea was unwilling to calm down no matter what Jim did. He imagined the wind coming back, gentler and lower this time, forcing the waves to calm into almost stillness. In front of him, the candle flame calmed significantly, still flickering but not the wild dance from before.
“With no rain and thunder clouds, the sea turns blue again; fish start to swim up from their hiding places deep down below.”
From below the boat Jim was sitting in, he could see the fish rising from below. Dozens of them were swimming towards the surface, a rainbow of colours, most of them were small but the occasional large one popped up to the surface, he even saw a sea turtle. Jim didn’t know fish species but they all looked beautiful to him. The candle stilled, completely calm.
“Now, describe the thing you are floating on.”
–--
Along with meditation, Jim was also given lessons. At first, it was just to catch up (and to keep him out of trouble). Tarsus had no strict curriculum and the Betazoid healers had more to worry about than his education. Then, once he left Betazoid, he didn't see much point in keeping up his education. Instead, Jim spent the next three years drifting from ship to ship, planet to planet - exploring space like never before. He still read, still learned, and picked up new languages as he went but other parts of his education were seriously lacking.
The plan was just to get him up to speed with the rest of his peers. So that if he ever returned to Earth he would be able to fit right back in. But, well, Jim’s nothing if not an overachiever, and he not only burned his way through catching up but also managed to surpass most university students as well. Two years into his stay on The Ra’Shango he’d already completed three degrees remotely and was halfway through a master's.
Eventually, his teacher just handed him an unlocked PADD that had unrestricted access to the Vulcan Science Academy’s reading lists and let him do whatever he wanted - assigning assessments on whatever topic Jim found most intriguing. There were practical lessons as well, the Captain had allowed Jim to work with various crew members over the years, and whilst Vulcan ships were quite different to Earth ships Jim loved it all the more. Engineering was his favourite, and the head of the department often complimented Jim on his knowledge and assistance within the department.
Sarek had left a little over a year into Jim’s stay onboard The Ra’Shango, his duties as Ambassador meaning he couldn't stay. He’d offered to take Jim with him, but Jim had declined, wanting instead to stay onboard the vessel and explore space. Sarek called every week to check up on him though; he’d also requested to be kept informed of Jim’s well-being. Jim imagined what it would have been like had his own parents shown this much interest in him, he wondered if he would have made the same decisions and ended up in the same place. From his talks with Sarek, Jim knew he had a son and tried to push down the jealousy he felt towards him.
“I must say I am pleased that you are doing so well in your studies. Major Sokk reports you are maintaining your meditation well and Subaltern Saek compliments your knowledge and dedication to his lessons. I believe he is considering giving you a recommendation for the Vulcan Science Academy, after all, you’ve read most of the texts required for the first-year classes.” Here Sarek paused, before continuing more slowly. “But I see that you will not take up his offer.”
Jim was startled, for a race used to hiding their emotions they sure had the uncanny ability to read a room (when they wanted to) “I just…I feel restless. I can’t be here much longer.”
“I understand.”
“You do?”
“James, I knew from the moment I took you onboard The Ra’Shango that you would not stay indefinitely. I am surprised you stayed as long as you did. You are a wandering spirit James, you belong in the stars on your own path - not one forged for you by others. If you wish to leave I will not stop you. I only ask that you take care of yourself.”
“I promise.”
Once again Jim thought, ‘awfully poetic for a Vulcan.’
–--
After a few months of deliberating the decision to leave, Jim finally left The Ra’Shango on the third anniversary of his arrival.
For the next two years he wondered about space, and for two years Jim, mostly, kept his promise to Sarek. Only twice had he needed medical attention - and one of those was definitely not his fault!
Then, as all things do, it came to an end. After almost eight years travelling in space, Jim, now 22, finally made his way back to Earth. He wouldn’t say home, as most would - Jim was born in space, and space was his home - Earth was merely a place that held ghosts from his past - ghosts that it was time to face.