Chapter Text
At first, Loki had feared where his parents sent him. He wasn’t so foolish as to believe this was anything other than a punishment. He had been sent to stay with a giantess named Angrboda.
Angrboda was nine feet tall, with red hair down to her waist and braids down the whole length of it, charms littered throughout. Her arms were thick with muscle, her legs the size of tree trunks, exposed despite the leather tassets and loincloth skirt she wore. A fur coat fashioned from bear hide was draped over her shoulders, with nothing underneath – and Loki was simultaneously mortified and flushed and scared.
She had a hand on the hilt of her sword, golden braces encircling her forearms.
“Loki Odinson.” She tilted her head, staring down at him, and he stared down at the ground – rather than up at her che – her face. “Look at me, boy.”
Loki grit his teeth together, thinking it over before he reluctantly lifted his gaze, focusing on her face and trying hard not to let his eyes linger anywhere else. But even her face, covered in scars, was beautiful.
“So, I’ve heard that you’ve been a naughty, naughty boy,” she drawled, leaning down and grabbing his chin with giant fingers, turning his head. “There’d be no other reason for you to be sent here. What did you do?”
Loki felt the ache in his jaw as she squeezed once before letting go, to let him speak. He was told that he’d be staying there for the next hundred and fifty years, so… He didn’t see the point in holding anything back. It was just the two of them and would be the whole time.
“I had a kid,” he admitted. “Distracted a horse by shapeshifting into a mare, and… even though the Asgardian people never found out, and my brother helped me hide it, my father knew.” He adjusted the bag on his shoulder. “So, I’ve been sent here. To… learn from you. I heard you were a monstrous seidrmaster.” He eyed her up and down, openly – playing off his fear, using his words to his advantage. “Doesn’t seem accurate to me.”
Angrboda seemed to mull the words over, taking it all in before she grinned viciously and stood to her full height. “Follow me. I’ll give you a week to settle in, and then we’ll begin our lessons.”
It was supposed to be scary, and maybe it was for the first decade, but Loki came to love staying with the giantess. She respected his power, recognizing his strength. She helped him control it by first finding the limit. And though he saw the glow of fear and envy in her eyes after he had done so, he said nothing.
For the first fifty years, it was incredible. Angrboda taught him everything Asgard wouldn’t, starting from the beginning of time. She went at his pace, unlike his Asgardian instructor had – which was to say fast. He picked up everything with ease, his hunger for knowledge only growing the more she told him.
She encouraged him like nobody ever had – she believed in what he could be. The rush that went through his body from having just one person think that he could become something more than the second-born son, well. It was inspiring.
Frigga had checked in only once, and she was happy that he was doing well. He stayed in communication with her as long as possible, both leaned over a pool of water, chattering until their backs ached. He told her about his time with his teacher, and she told him all about the happenings around Asgard, especially those involving his brother.
Even if he was having a good time, it was still difficult to be apart from his family for so long – a fact that he was reminded of when his mother had to go.
Angrboda, after hearing him voice those thoughts, had kissed him for the first time.
“But you would miss me, wouldn’t you?” She murmured, arms heavy as they wrapped around his shoulders. “If you were to leave here. You’d long for my company, for my mind.” Her presence was suffocating, her scent and hair and limbs all surrounding him as he wiped away tears after his expression of vulnerability.
He pressed his head to her bare chest, wrapping his arms around her waist. They had hugged before. Some nights, she spent hours running her hands through his hair. He found himself desiring the warm skin of another – even though his skin seemed to crawl at the lines being crossed with this type of closeness.
“Of course, Boda. Of course I would miss you.”
Eighty-seven years passed. Angrboda made sure that not a day went by without him learning something. He knew he had much more to learn, still – but he thought he had another thirteen years. It wasn’t much time, but maybe it’d be enough.
At least, until they were interrupted.
The storm set in quickly – Loki had been sparring with Angrboda when the first bolt of lightning struck the nearest tree, lighting it on fire.
Angrboda was dead with the second strike, though it was accompanied by the swing of a hammer.
Loki forgot how to breathe as he lurched forward, running to be by her side. “BODA! ANGRBODA, NO!”
His brother landed between her body and his shaking form, Mjolnir dripping with her blood. Thor swung the hammer to rid it of the blood before he grabbed Loki like he weighed nothing, holding him as tight as he possibly could.
“It’s over, Loki. It’s over. We’re taking you home, now,” his brother murmured, running his hands through Loki’s hair. As though he could offer any comfort after just murdering his wife.
“YOU MONSTER! YOU’RE A FUCKING MONSTER!” Loki screamed as he was tossed over Thor’s shoulder, the Bifrost pulling them back to Asgard’s observatory.
He was still screaming when they landed, awful sobs ripping themselves from his chest. “WHAT DID YOU DO?!” He shouted, starting to attack Thor as soon as he was set down, scratching and clawing before he summoned his daggers and just began stabbing him in his blind rage.
He got three good stabs in before Mjolnir struck him in the head, and he was knocked out, slumping in his traitorous brother’s arms.
When he woke, it was in his old room, tucked underneath a mound of blankets.
Frigga was at his bedside, holding his hand, and she smiled when he woke, reaching out to cup his cheek. “Oh, my boy…” She ran her thumb over his cheek. “It’s so good to see you…”
Loki leaned into her touch, his lip beginning to quiver. “Mother, what is going on?” He asked. “Why did Thor do that? Why did he kill her?”
Frigga sighed, her thumb now swiping at the tears spilling down her son’s cheeks. “She was plotting something, my dear. She was planning to bring about Ragnarok, by turning you against us and creating monsters that would destroy Asgard.”
Loki shook his head, sobbing as he reached up, taking her hand in his own. “I loved her, mother.”
The queen’s eyes held an incredible sadness as she attempted to comfort her youngest – and she moved closer, pulling him into a tight hug. “I’m so sorry, my darling.”
The door creaked.
Loki’s head lifted from Frigga’s shoulder, and when his bloodshot eyes made contact with the soft blue of his brother's unremorseful gaze, his expression hardened.
“GET OUT!” Loki shouted. “GET AWAY FROM ME! BEFORE I KILL YOU!”
Thor stared in shock, looking to their mother, who grimaced and tried to calm him down.
“Darling, Thor was just –“
“HE KILLED MY WIFE!” Loki shouted, and without so much as a flex of his fingers, his brother was shoved from the room with a gust of wind, the door slamming and locking behind him. “He… didn’t even let me say goodbye…”
After what happened… Loki stayed in his room for months. Shut away from the rest of the world. The only person he spoke to was Frigga. Odin rarely came to see him – and usually whatever he spoke of, Loki could answer with a nod or a shake of his head.
Thor tried several times – nearly losing his life every attempt, until his mother basically told him to fuck off until Loki was ready.
When he finally stepped out, he didn’t even look at Thor. He made sure his brother never heard his voice. He acted as though Thor didn’t even exist. As he once told his mother, “My brother is dead. At the very least, dead to me.”
It broke her heart, but Loki had always been the most stubborn of her whole family. If he set his mind to something, only Thor had been able to change it, and that wasn’t happening any time soon.
She thought that perhaps gardening would help him sort through his thoughts, and bring him some peace. She gave him the task of renovating and redoing the whole area, allowing him to plant and grow and destroy whatever he would like. As far as she was concerned, all but one planter box was his to do as he saw fit.
The one she wanted preserved had plants that were centuries old. Flowers that her sons had planted together, when Loki was a young boy. She knew in this state, he would have destroyed it without a second thought, but he would have regretted it later.
Every morning, he went to argue with his governess on her teachings (as he was now well-educated on nearly everything) before practicing his seidr-wielding with Karnilla and Amora – the latter of whom had become quite formidable in his absence. Every afternoon, he spent hours training his muscles, fighting whoever his combat instructor threw at him.
All except Thor.
If their instructor ever set his brother across from him, Loki called it a day and left without a word.
Then, in his evenings, he would be in the garden – skipping dinner with his family and other Asgardians – choosing instead to be in the company of the plants, the stars, and his journal, in which he wrote down most of his thoughts.
The days were predictable, and so that was how his life continued, for a long time.
On his way to his mother’s garden, one night, he found his brother in his path.
“You cannot ignore me forever, little brother,” Thor spoke, his voice booming in the empty hall.
Loki kept his eyes down as he marched forward, side-stepping when Thor reached to grab his arm.
“Loki, please! Look at me!” He demanded, and still Loki didn’t relent, just continuing on as he ground his teeth together. “Brother, I didn’t know!” He shouted.
Now, that, Loki needed more information in. He came to a stop, clasping both hands behind his back as he faced the door down the hall – still refusing to look.
When Thor noticed he had gotten Loki’s attention, he stepped closer. “I did not know how close you were. I was told that she was a monster, a giant who was manipulating you. I did not know… how much you loved her.”
He wanted to stay quiet.
“You never do.”
Fuck.
“You never know. You never think before charging into battle. You just swing your hammer and kill!” Loki shouted as he finally turned on his heel, facing Thor after nearly a year of avoidance. “Norns, I don’t know why I ever looked up to you! You’re just an idiot!”
Thor’s expression was pinched in hurt – but he stepped forward, anyway. “Loki –“
“SHUT UP!” His younger brother shouted, silencing him with a snap of his fingers – and Thor found he couldn’t speak. “How in Hel are you supposed to be king some day? You’re weak. You’re brainless, you’re impulsive, you’re so self-absorbed that you don’t even think about improving! You think you’re the best warrior in all the cosmos! You think you’ll never be wrong!” Loki grit his teeth together, his hands curling into fists.
“I loved her, and you killed her. Right in front of me. You just…” He mimicked the swing of a hammer, shaking his head. “I never got to hold our children, and now I never will.”
Thor blinked in shock, stepping close again. When he tried, he could speak again. “Children? You had children with her?” He asked.
Loki glared at him. “Three. Only Angrboda knew where they are. Only Angrboda could take me to them. I –“ He stared at his hands. “She promised me, and now…”
Thor stepped forward. “Loki, I didn’t…”
His brother looked up at him, then, his eyes sad this time. “Of course you didn’t know. You never do.”
Then Loki stared over his shoulder, eyes skimming over Fandral, who had come to fetch Thor and bring him to the festivities happening in the palace hall. The blonde had the decency to look embarrassed, keeping his head down.
“And even if you had known, what would you have done differently?” Loki asked, challenging Thor despite the audience. “Can you honestly say you wouldn’t have killed her?”
Thor said nothing, his weary eyes telling Loki everything he needed to know. He had been given an order by the All-Father – no one just disobeys that.
“Don’t ever talk to me again,” Loki told Thor. “You best get going, anyway. The crown prince of Asgard is needed elsewhere.”
Then he was gone.