Chapter Text
DECEMBER-FIVE MONTHS ALONG
“When did you get that?”
The smell of fresh almonds and honey drizzled apple slices wafted through Eddie’s bedroom, their happy-horny scents mingling into one of the best Buck had ever smelled. The omega wondered, idly, how long it would take for it to go stale if Eddie didn't wash his sheets as soon as Buck left. He looked at Eddie in confusion, trying to follow his gaze, only to fail when he realized the alpha was looking at his ribcage. The question came out of him lightly, too lightly for him to have realized exactly what it was that he was looking at. Buck swallowed nervously as Eddie took a step closer to him.
“Back in June, I think. July, maybe. Around the time me and Tommy broke up.”
He cursed himself mentally. He didn't know why he brought Tommy up again. In the week since their disastrous hook-up, Buck felt like he hadn't managed to have a single conversation with Eddie without mentioning the other alpha, somehow. Every time he did, Eddie got a look in his eyes that sent shivers running down Buck's spine, as if the alpha could tell what Buck had done just by looking at him.
“Not that it was because of the tattoo, I mean- That'd be a pretty stupid reason to break up- Just, I got it a few days before- Not that he was a fan of it-”
Sometimes, Buck wanted to chase whatever small neurotic animal was running wild in his brain with a hammer. Maybe then he would have better luck pretending that he had something resembling a brain-to-mouth filter when he was nervous.
“Why would Tommy have a problem with you getting a new tattoo?”
The omega blinked. He blinked again. Sure, he hadn't exactly told Eddie just how much strife he had caused in Buck’s last relationship, but he had to know it wasn't exactly the picture of domestic bliss to get a tattoo in honor of another alpha’s child.
“Because it-”
He cut himself off with a faint gasp as Eddie's fingers brushed his ribs. Eddie hadn't touched him there since the night he threw up blood on Bobby's patio. Buck dreamed about it sometimes. About how big the alpha’s hands had felt wrapped around his waist. About where he might have put them next if they were not in front of their family.
“Is that a Saint Christopher medal?”
Buck nodded wordlessly, ignoring the way his heart began to beat harder at the roughness of Eddie’s voice.
“Is that my Saint Christopher?”
Tears gathered in the omega’s eyes as he nodded again. He knew what it meant to Eddie, okay? He really did. He knew it wasn't his to feel any certain way about, certainly not to immortalize on his own flesh. It was something sacred, something that was supposed to be reserved for Eddie, Christopher, and Shannon.
Maybe it would be easier if Chris had taken more after Eddie than his dam in the looks department. Maybe it would be easier to shake off every nosy PTA omega, every well-meaning senior at the grocery store, and every jolly Mall Santa’s Elf that wanted to tell him what a wonderful pup he had if said pup didn’t take after Shannon. Buck knew, every step of the way, every time he didn't deny their claims, that he was stealing a dead omega’s pup. Her mate. Her whole life, maybe. He also knew that with Chris gone and Shannon dead, Eddie had stopped wearing it. It couldn't have been easier to sneak a picture of it where it sat on his bedside table under the guise of grabbing a hoodie to sleep in.
Buck hadn't slept in the alpha’s house since Eddie found out about the baby, and he counted his lucky stars that he didn't say anything about Buck’s newest body modification each time they undressed in each other’s presence.
“You didn't-”
He cut Eddie off with a harsh scoff.
“Eddie, I could get your name tattooed on my ass and it wouldn't be any of your business.”
The omega sighed, avoiding his gaze.
“Sorry.”
He took a shuddering breath, willing his tears to stay where they were until he could hide them.
“Sorry, I just, I didn't know if I would ever see him again.”
Eddie stiffened at that, his fingers digging into the spaces between Buck’s ribs ever so slightly.
“In my coma dream-”
Eddie’s hand dropped from Buck’s side, and he mourned its warmth.
“Buck, you don't have to-”
He shook his head and brought a hand up to the alpha’s chest.
“Let me say this. Please. It's important.”
Eddie let Buck’s hand rest there, rising and falling with each ragged breath he let out.
“In my coma dream, right before I woke up, I saw Chris.”
Once upon a time, Eddie might have covered the omega’s hand with his own. Once upon a time, Buck might have felt like he was holding it up just to feel his alpha’s heartbeat rather than to keep a safe distance between them.
“I saw Chris, and he asked me to help him find you. I knew it wasn't him, I knew but still, I-”
He drew in his own ragged breath, pretending he couldn't see Eddie doing that thing he did, infuriatingly weaving his head around like a snake, trying to catch Buck’s eyes.
“I looked him in the eyes, and I said, ‘I'll always feel bad about this’, and I left him.”
Eddie’s heart thudded under Buck’s palm.
“Because he wasn't real, not the version of him that I was seeing, and I couldn't help him.”
Eddie took a step back, his eyes sharpening. The bedroom smelled like the terrible candles they sold at Target, fake waxy apples and sawdust.
“My son is real.”
A tear fell down Buck's cheek.
“That's not what I’m saying, Eddie.”
He felt desperate. More desperate than he ever had. Why couldn't Eddie see what Buck was trying to show him? Why couldn't he see that Buck was hurting over the loss of Chris just as much as he was?
“Then what are you saying, Buck?”
In the omega’s most lonely moments, he thought of Chris as his pup, too. Sure, he was his legal guardian if anything happened to Eddie, and he was his emergency contact right after Eddie himself and right before Pepa, but beyond that. Beyond all the safeguards Eddie had put in place to make sure the two most important people in his life would never be alone, even if he had to leave them, Buck still thought of the pup as his own.
“I'm saying that maybe, the version of Chris that you have in your head isn't real. And maybe you can't help that version of him.”
Eddie didn't want to knock the door down. Buck understood that, really, he did. But his parents couldn’t have even been bothered to acknowledge the metaphorical door. Still to this day, every time they spoke to him, they eventually found a way to berate him for not reaching out to them. Buck’s parents were nothing like Eddie. They'd probably be offended at the comparison.
So yeah, it probably was just his own shit bubbling under the surface of every conversation they had about Chris. But still.
“You need to talk to him. You can't just pack up his whole life and permanently move it without at least asking him how he feels.”
Since he found out Eddie hadn't told Chris about the baby, things had been different. Maybe he hadn't been as justified as he thought he was, storming into the house, calling the alpha a coward for not coming clean about how things were going in LA. When he found out Eddie still planned on moving to Texas and still hadn't said anything to his son, it was just another nail in their coffin.
“Eddie-”
His gaze turned to stone.
“Can you let me think my own goddamned thoughts for five fucking seconds, or do you need to give me your two cents on that too?”
He took a step back, bumping into Eddie's dresser, flinching at the steel in the alpha’s words.
“You're not my omega, Buck.”
Eddie cut him off before he could respond.
“And you're sure as shit not Chris’s. You don't get to say that. Not to me.”
--- --- ---
In the aftermath, Buck tried to sleep. He wasn't very successful. The omega tossed and turned, running the conversation back over and over, desperately trying to figure out what he could have said differently. In the end, there was nothing he could do but lay his head on Eddie's pillow and try not to cry as the scent of cherries enveloped his senses.
The dread that washed over Buck at the slam of Eddie's front door hours earlier returned as the bedroom door creaked open. As silently and inertly as possible, he wondered if he could convincingly pull off pretending to sleep. Tommy and Taylor had both told him he snored on more than one occasion. Eddie had never complained about it.
He kept his eyes shut as Eddie slipped under the blanket wordlessly, the alpha’s bare legs brushing his. Eddie turned on his side, facing away from Buck. He pressed himself against the omega’s chest, quietly mumbling before pulling Buck's arm around his waist. They hadn't done this in a while. They used to, every once in a while. They woke up in each other's arms a few times during quarantine, but in their most tired moments, after a long shift or a few drinks, Eddie would let the omega hold him in his arms on his couch. They hadn't gotten drunk together in six months and they hadn't gone home together in the same amount of time either.
They cut anything even remotely non-platonic out of their relationship the second Eddie snuck out of Buck’s nest after telling him that he loved him.
“I think I might be broken.”
Buck had not known whether things would be better or worse if he stayed after Eddie left.
“I don't know how to do this.”
With the alpha he loved lying in his arms, spilling his fears to him, he still didn't know.
“I married the last omega I pupped, and you know how that ended.”
For a moment, Buck wondered if he should let Eddie think he was asleep. But he deserved Buck’s honesty at the very least, after everything.
“Yeah.”
Eddie didn't speak again for a while and Buck let his deep breaths lull him almost to sleep.
“He wanted me to go home with him.”
Buck startled just a bit as Eddie spoke again. He didn't know who he was talking about, but he didn't want to break the fragile spell the moon had cast on them, the gentle way the dust motes danced in its light, pushed and pulled by their breathing.
“And I didn't want him anymore. I spent half the time we were talking bitching about you, but the second he said that I-”
Eddie cut himself off, shaking his head minutely.
“He said, ‘You think that bitch ‘mega of yours is still up, waiting for you?’, I almost punched him.”
Buck let out a wet laugh.
“You really need to stop doing that.”
He didn't respond.
“Would-would it be that bad, if I was your omega?”
Eddie turned in Buck’s arms and brought a hand over to cup the left side of his face. He moved his other hand to the right side of the omega’s face and traced a spot above his eyebrow, letting his fingers tap over a few hairs before they trailed down to another spot at the corner of his eye.
“Not at all.”