Chapter Text
“I’m going, to be honest with you two because if our situations were reversed, I want you to be honest with me.”
Tony stares at the two kids trying to figure out if he did something that angered Pepper so bad she used her reality shaping powers to have Tony kidnapped by a giant raccoon man with a metal arm. The metal arm is how he knows it’s Pepper and not the general fucking the Universe usually gives him. That arm was a drooling worthy masterpiece of prosthetics that Tony will forever blame for the reason he got caught so easily. Another theory Raccoon Man is a super soldier and Tony didn’t stand a chance against the messy eyeliner masked man. Of course, Howard would blame Tony no matter the situation. Fuck, Howard is officially a future Tony problem, and a present Tony problem is the two wide-eyed worm holes staring at Tony like he beamed down from the Starship Enterprise as a redshirt. Tony smiles because any press situation should start with a smile.
“I have no idea how to take care of children. In fact, I hire someone to take care me I am so bad at the whole daily living thing. Eating and sleeping who needs it, am I right?” The girl is standing ramrod straight and not even blinking while the boy, probably a couple of years older, is blinking but not much else. Okay, no. The blonde kid is blinking and staring intently at Tony’s mouth. Pepper needs to click her stilettos together to teleport wherever the fuck Tony is and inform him if asking about the kid’s intent staring would be rude. The genius isn’t sure of much right now, but he got a strong feeling that insulting his roommates would be a bad move. Although, his instincts are informing him that pissing the little redhead would be a dumb move no matter the situation. Like earning the wrath of Pepper or Aunt Pegs which Tony has done because bad ideas are stupidly sexy while drunk. Ehh, bad ideas are sexy while sober too. Decision! Tony’s love for bad ideas will also be future Tony’s problem. Ha. Sucker.
“I thought Omega’s were supposed to have some loving nurturing instinct or whatever.” The blonde boy finally speaks only to spout Alpha moronic-ness. Red doesn’t even twitch. Tony’s hoping she is an android because that he knows he could handle.
“Nope. That’s what we in the real world like to call bullshit. Surprise. I can’t cook either.”
Yellow- just so Tony is being fair to Red- nods. “S’fine. I cook.”
“At least we won’t starve. So should we do introductions because that feels like a thing normal people do.”
Yellow rolls his eyes quite dramatically at the word normal. Tony is impressed, a good eye roll takes skill. “I ran away to the circus only to be sold later by my brother to an evil shadow organization, Natalie is a Black Widow in training, and you’re Tony Stark. If this counts as normal for you, I’m real curious to see exactly what you would find strange.” The kid’s rant and the genius would classify it as a rant, even though the words were controlled because Yellow’s dark cheeks and wet eyes spoke volumes. Red, however, was another story. Tony finds himself giving another once over to the small child before him. Red continues to act like one of those green army men Tony “accidently” melted when he was five. It’s creepy. But completely understandable for a baby monster.
“Will she kill me in my sleep?” Tony queries but his gaze is on Yellow rather than on Red or rather Natalie. Nat. Tony is going to call her Nat because it makes him think of Kit-Kat bars. He doesn’t know why his brain is insisting that but Kit-Kat bars are a lot cuter than a scary killing machine.
“Probably not.”
“Я не причиню никакого вреда Омеге моего Альфы.” (No harm will come to my Alpha’s omega.)
“She said-”
“I understand Russian, don’t worry about it Yellow.”
“Yellow?”
“The name I bequeath to you if you don’t give me something to call you.”
“Clint. Call me Clint.” Yellow or Clint, Tony supposed, rolled his shoulders and tightened his worn coat against his chest.
“Excellent.” What was Tony supposed to do now? Howard often proclaimed the importance of discipline and finishing one’s work, but Tony wasn’t sure what he could give the kids to do. Jarvis like to stress the importance of sleep for growing bodies. What time is it? Is it an appropriate bed time or are the rules different for baby spiders? “How about bed time? Sleep is awesome, right?”
“You’re lying you don’t think sleeping is awesome.” Clint’s placid expression drops and is replaced with glaring eyes and baring teeth. However, he keeps his voice controlled still even as Tony knows that something in Clint is threatening to boil over. He flicks his eyes at Nat whose posture has tightened even further.
“You are correct, my little corncob.”
“Corncob?”
“Yup. But my disregard for sleep doesn’t mean it lacks importance for you or Nat.”
“Okay.” Clint nods seemingly relaxing a bit and starts to wear a small smirk. Tony has to fight the urge to ruffle the kid’s hair because that baby smirk is adorable. “But it’s only six.” Tony blinks. “P.M,” Clint stressed. Tony blinks again which cause Clint to give a very serious huff. “Only babies or oldies go to bed this early, and none of us has eaten anything.” Tony takes a moment to think about that when his stomach decides to weigh in on this serious issue by growling loudly. Nat and Clint focus on Tony’s magnificent abs when his stomach again makes its position known.
“I cannot cook.”
“I know. You told us.”
“Well, I give Nat permission to eat me when I die.”
“What about me?” Clint gasps.
“Don’t care. Nat is cuter.”
“I’m cute.”
“Sure. Just not as cute as Nat.”
“On what grounds?”
“On the grounds, that one should always bend to the will of any redhead. Law of Life my corncob.” Nat giggles then stare, eyes wide, at Tony and trembles a bit. Tony simple grins at the girl and gives a thumbs up. She waits for a heartbeat and nods seriously all elation gone. At that moment, Tony decides that he is keeping Nat because he certainly isn’t giving her back to that shadow organization.
“Whatever. I can cook. Remember.”
Tony thinks back a couple of minutes and sees that his brain did indeed register that there would be no starving in the future. Starving would be bad, and Tony knows that Howard would fine someway to blame the whole thing on Tony. After all, Tony should be able to create food out of nothing, right? All Stark genius can create matter from nothing. “Please, magic dinner, O Great Corncob.”
Clint gives another eye roll but heads towards the fridge, so Tony is considering it a win. Tony grabs the notepad he’s been using for communication, a word he uses lightly, with Winter and shuffles over to the kitchen table. He slumps into one of the chairs taking a minute to watch Clint busy himself making dinner. He frowns and bites his lips because Clint is too comfortable making dinner for any self-respecting twelve years old. There should be more staring at appliances and juggling different foods, not swift movements and quick decisions. Nat, however, is worse because the child is still standing at the doorway. What is Tony to do with these children that make his childhood look like a new electric generator?
“Nat, why don’t you come and sit in the chair next to me?” Tony must have done something right because he can feel approval emanating from Clint. The notepad is sitting nonchalantly on the table acting the perfect symbol of the annoying Alpha who was keeping the genius here. Tony, hates it because the paper can’t talk and the Alpha never talks either. No matter how many curse or pleas Tony wrote on it’s pages. No matter how times Tony begged to go home or goaded the assassin to kill Tony and just end everything. Winter never answered. And Tony knows the notes have been read because every note has disappeared, every time. There is never an answer. It’s been long enough, maybe it’s time for Tony to make some demands. “So is there anything you kids want?”
“What?”
“For the seeable future we’re all stuck here and I would like to make our stay enjoyable. So stuff to do? Stuff you need? Stuff you want? Lay it one me and I will write a list for the Alpha.”
“Ножи” (Knives.) Creepy but doable.
“Anything else?”
“V- Vid- Video games,” Clint stutters.
“Great. I gonna put educational books on the list because you two should probably be in school.”
“School is dumb.”
“But necessary.” Clint scowls and Tony takes that as permission to continue. “Nat what do you like to do for fun?”
Nat shifts herself on the chair to come face to face with Tony and it’s fascinating how similar the girl is to one of those Victorian doll made to house souls because the English back then were emo fuckers. Tony couldn’t understand how anyone would want one of those ‘eyes following you around the room’ porcelain doll, let alone why some would make a potentially adorable child into one. Didn’t the world have enough creepy children because if the idea was to get teenagers to swear off baby making Tony was sold. Although, he already had quite a bit of sex so maybe that argument was null and void. “Я не понимаю эту просьбу.” (I do not understand the request.)
“I mean what stuff do you enjoy doing? Like Clint asked for video games. I like engineering and music.”
“Я отлично танцую балет и метаю ножи.” (I am skilled in ballet and knife throwing.)
“Awesome. I’ll just write our list of demands down then we can eat.”
Nat leans a little closer trying to read Tony’s note. “Это очень грубо.” (That is very rude.)
“Yes. Yes, it is. But kidnapping then abandoning me with nothing to do is also rude. It’s what we adults call just desserts.”
“Aren’t you afraid he won’t get the stuff if you aggravate the Alpha.”
Tony smiles very sweetly. “He will if he knows what’s good for him.”