Chapter Text
Though he admittedly got more sleep than the night before, Evan woke up to his alarm feeling just as tired, and just as sickly nervous as yesterday. He didn’t want to face anyone- especially not Connor or Zoe because who knows what Connor told her last night.
He waited, half expecting his mom to make sure he got out of bed before remembering she had an early shift today. There would be no usual, rushed good morning and reminder to do this and that.
Evan took his time getting dressed. Despite the uncomfortable feeling school brought, now that the first day was over he felt more calm about the whole situation. He would be okay if he showed up with only ten minutes to get to class instead of twenty.
“Morning Evan, glad to see you’re already up and at ‘em,” Heidi said, the same level of enthusiasm in her voice that she had yesterday. Evan jumped, before struggling to get his shirt in a rushed fashion. He ended up putting his shirt on backwards.
“Mom! You’re uh- you work early… today. Your shift started at seven,” Evan pointed out, frantically adjusting his shirt to get it the right way around without lifting the shirt above his stomach.
His mom looked at him like he was crazy.
“Nope,” she said, dragging the word out slowly. She leant against the doorframe and crossed her arms over her chest. It was then that Evan noticed she was wearing the same scrubs as yesterday. “My shift doesn’t start until ten today honey,” Heidi laughed.
Evan blinked a couple times. He was certain that she had an early morning shift. He could distinctly remember her complaining about it one night when she came home, and Evan just happened to be up, binging some stupid food show. She went on about how it was going to be rough on both of them during the first week of school, especially the second day. It was the second day.
“Listen honey, you didn’t eat last night,” Heidi pointed out. Evan sighed.
“I had a long day at school? I uh, didn’t feel up to eating anything,” Evan said, making his way back to his bed and sitting down.
“Evan- it’s your first day of senior year, today , what were you doing at the school yesterday?”
Now Evan was seriously confused. He shook his head.
“Nope. No I uh, yesterday was my first day,” Evan said. He hadn’t dreamt yesterday. Maybe his mom had lost her marbles? All that over working could do it to someone eventually.
“Evan. Today is your first day- look on the calender yourself! Y’know, It’s a good thing I booked an extra appointment for you with Dr Sherman. You must have thought this all up in your head to help cope with the stress today,” she said. A nervous laugh escaped her lips as she ran a hand through her hair. That could make sense- he used to mentally go through every day and sometimes was convinced it happened before it did but this wasn’t one of those cases. The first day of school happened.
Evan grabbed his phone and looked at the calendar. Sure enough, it was September Third. Yesterday was September Third. This had to be a cruel, sick joke. He looked up at Heidi, eyes wide and mouth agape, before looking back down on his phone. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening.
Evan forced a small smile and put his phone away.
“I uh, I guess I just had a uh, r-really vivid dream,” Evan said, trying to justify his behaviour to both him and his mother. She smiled and nodded.
“Did you start one of those letters for Dr Sherman? Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a good day and here’s why? He’ll want to see one after school today,” Heidi said. Evan scratched the back of his neck.
“Yeah I uh, I started one,” he lied, because that’s what he said yesterday - in the dream?
“Those letters are important honey, they’re going to help you boost your confidence!” Heidi said, pushing herself off of the doorframe and stepping into his room.
Evan nodded. It wouldn’t help. It didn’t help yesterday and it certainly won’t help today.
“Oh come on Evan, have an optimistic outlook! It’s your senior year. You need to make friends, get out and do stuff, make memories. I don’t want another year of you sulking around at home. I worry about you sometimes,” she said, sitting on the edge of Evan’s bed. He crossed his legs and folded into himself, offering his mother a sympathetic smile. “I mean- oh, nevermind,” Heidi dismissed whatever thought was coming to her.
“Hey! Here’s an idea, why don’t you go around and ask the other kids to sign your cast?” Heidi said happily. Evan bit his lip. He knew how that ended up.
Evan looked down to his cast, half expecting Connor’s name to still be there- but it was gone. His cast was a clean slate, with nothing there. He looked up at Heidi and smiled.
“I’d uh, I’d like that,” he said with a small nod.
Heidi clapped and smiled, a small private celebratory moment for her before she stood up.
“I’ll leave the sharpie on the kitchen table. I’m so proud of you Evan,” she said. Evan forced a small smile.
“I love you,’ Heidi said. Evan had been expecting it though, so at the same time he had said;
“Love you.”
She chuckled at the coincidence, before making her way down the hall and she was gone.
Evan immediately started freaking out, now that he was alone in his room. The dream felt so real. Everything happened. He got ready, he sat through all his classes and the conversation with Connor- none of it happened. None of it happened! Connor never found his letter and oh god- this was all too much.
It was just a dream though, and that conversation was just an eerie coincidence. It was such a Heidi conversation too, it would make sense for Evan’s subconscious to make her say things like that. Nothing else would be the same. It would all be okay.
Evan finished getting up and dressed, still a bit shaken up from his dream. When he got to the kitchen, he was taken back again when Heidi had left the exact same things on the counter, with the same note about drinking water.
This time Evan grabbed the sharpie right away and made his way outside. He got to the bus stop earlier than he did in his dream, so he plugged in his music before he got on the bus to avoid the awkward silence waiting along with an elderly couple that Evan swore got on the bus in his dream too.
The bus ride was uneventful, as it always was.
He sighed and walked into the school, tucking his hands into his pocket. He just had to get through the first day of senior year- for real this time, and then it would all be easy going. Everything would be fine.
Evan turned the corner to the hallway for his locker, but he was stopped by Alana Beck, wearing the same outfit as yesterday- er, the dream, and the same happy smile.
“Hi Evan! How was your summer?”
And the conversation was the exact same. Almost word for word- even on Evan’s part! His breathing quickened and he fidgeted with his backpack strap as he rushed to his locker.
This was all getting too much. He didn’t know what was going on. Everything was just so close to his dream. It was almost like he was reliving the day. Maybe he was dreaming now?
He pinched himself hard. Nothing. He was awake.
Evan glanced down the hallway and Jared was coming. If Jared started the conversation the same way he did yesterday-
“Hey Hansen- how does it feel to be the first person breaking his arm by jacking off,” Jared said, the same condescending humorous tone ringing from his voice.
Evan’s breath caught in his throat. He couldn’t breath. He stared at Jared, studying every aspect on his face- trying to find a clue. Maybe this was all some sick joke they decided to play on Evan? There was no way his dream was the exact same as today. No. Nope.
Jared’s face fell.
“Woah dude, relax. You look like you’re on the verge of a panic attack,” Jared said, all too casually.
Yes, thank you for noticing. I literally cannot breathe. I am panicking.
Evan continued to stare at Jared like he was a ghost.
“Evan seriously, it was a joke,” Jared said. “Don’t take it so seriously,” he scoffed, before turning to walk away.
“I jumped out of a tree,” Evan blurted out, earning back Jared’s attention. He had to stay. Jared had to stay so he could make that rude comment about Connor. He needed to know if it was still going to happen.
“You jumped?” Jared asked.
“No! Wait- god no I just- I uh, fell. I was climbing and lost my footing and fell. I actually was an intern at Ellison park? You uh, you totally knew about that already. I wasn’t jacking off to Connor’s instagram,” Evan said, shifting uncomfortably in his spot. He was shaking so badly and he couldn’t control it. He didn’t even register what he had said.
“Woah woah woah, Connor’s instagram ? I said Zoe- shit man you have a thing for Connor Murphy!” Jared laughed.
Oh great, Jared thought he liked Connor. He didn’t like Connor. Maybe he did? He didn’t know- god he was so lost.
“You’re so lame,” he laughed when Evan didn’t reply.
“Sign my cast?” Evan asked. That was what happened next in the dream- he was pretty sure anyways. He knew the answer, but still, his hand reached for the sharpie.
“God no. Why on earth would I do that?” Jared scoffed.
“We’re uh, we’re friends, aren’t we?” Evan asked.
“We’re not friends, we’re family friends,” Jared said. Evan knew it was coming, but it still hurt. It hurt so much.
Evan’s gaze caught Connor walking down the hallway. He looked… off. Everyone else looked the exact same as his dream but Connor looked different. He looked pale- more pale than usual, and he wasn’t wearing blue jeans yesterday. When did Connor ever wear blue jeans?
Evan looked at Jared, expecting something to happen. Jared rolled his eyes, probably thinking something about Evan’s new, non existent crush on Connor.
“Hey! Connor, nice hair length… very… school shooter chic,” Jared laughed, making the same finer guns that he had made yesterday.
Evan was done. He couldn’t handle this anymore. Everything was too similar. Yesterday wasn’t a dream, but today wasn’t either. There was no way he was reliving the day again. That was impossible. It was a sick joke. How they got Connor in on it, he had no clue, but he couldn’t handle it anymore.
Evan didn’t even bother getting his things for first period. He slammed his locker shut and stormed out of there, accidently hitting Connor’s shoulder in the process.
He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. Not again.
Evan was going crazy. That was the only logical explanation. He’d gone insane. He took Dr Sherman’s words to heart and he was going insane.
“Hey, are you okay?” Zoe asked, stopping Evan in the middle of the hall.
No. Nope. No- Evan didn’t even stick around for Connor to push him!
“I’m sorry about my brother, I don’t know what he did but…” Zoe trailed off.
Evan was going to cry. He couldn’t do this. Not this conversation again- not any of these disastrous conversations again. He didn’t even get pushed!
“You’re Evan right?”
Evan had to talk.
“Yes I’m Evan. Listen I uh,” Evan said. He was going to cry. Why was he going to cry? “C-Connor didn’t do anything, it’s okay. Thanks for the concern though,” Evan gave a small nod. Zoe looked taken back, almost surprised that Connor didn’t have anything to do with the fact that Evan was being a little baby.
“Sorry- god I’m sorry Zoe I just, I gotta go,” Evan said, before storming off to be anywhere but here.
Anywhere turned out to be his first period Biology class, where he would have ended up eventually anyways.
Classes were the same. Everything was the same, which left Evan in that weird state before a panic attack, which never really happened but the threat was there. The only good thing was that he wasn’t caught off guard when he was called on in History.
He hesitated to go to the computer lab at lunch to write his letter. He knew what was going to happen and he didn’t want to have to deal with it again.
Still, he decided that he should try and keep the timeline as accurate to his dream- yesterday? The other timeline? - as possible. If that meant having to go through this conversation again, Evan guessed he’d have to do it.
He sat down at the same computer and wrote it word for word, kind of on autopilot as his mind was elsewhere. Did he want to try and save the conversation when Connor came up to him? Or did he let Connor lash out on him.
Call Evan crazy, but he could have sworn that Connor was even more hesitant to approach him today than he was yesterday. Maybe that was an effect of leaving the conversation in the hallway early. Or maybe it was because Evan was staring him down, his eyes never leaving Connor.
“How’d you break your arm?” Connor asked. The paper was in his hand. His letter was in his hand. Of course it was in his hand though! Why wouldn’t it be?
“Oh! I uh, fell out of a tree,” Evan said with a small laugh. Connor raised an eyebrow and laughed a bit. It sounded force and scared which was weird. Yesterday it was a real laugh and kind of off guard. Evan was reading too much into this.
“That’s... really sad… did it hurt?”
That was new.
“Kind of,” Evan said with a small shrug. “It’s just kind of numb now…”
“No one’s signed it.”
“Nope.” Evan popped the “p”.
“I could sign it,” Connor suggested.
Evan smiled softly and nodded, handing him the sharpie. He just wanted this interaction to happen so it could be over and done with.
Connor slowly took the sharpie from Evan and uncapped it, as if he was expecting Evan to object to signing it. He glanced up at Evan for brief second, before he looked back down and pulling Evan’s arm forward, less harsh than yesterday.
Connor wrote his name just a bit smaller than he did before. It was still in capital letters, but small. Evan didn't like that it was smaller. It felt empty- which was stupid. It wasn’t that big of a difference.
They made eye contact and Evan realized he hadn’t spoken yet.
“Oh! Uh, thanks,” Evan said, looking between his cast and Connor. Connor glanced down at the letter. Evan shifted.
There was a beat of hesitation.
“This is your letter right? Dear Evan Hansen?” Connor said.
“Yeah, it was for an assignment,” Evan said. His heartrate started picking up, He knew what was going to happen. He was bracing himself. Somehow, knowing what was about to happen felt even more nerve wracking than experiencing it for the first time. Yesterday he panicked, but he got through it.
Connor didn't look down at it this time though. Instead, he just handed it back, before stashing his hands in his pocket.
“I uh, I read it all back at the printer,” he said.
“You're uh, you aren't mad?” Evan asked, taking the letter and skimming over it. He knew what it said, but it didn't seem right. This conversation wasn't right.
“Fuck no. Creeped out , sure, ‘cause Zoes my sister and you don't know her but like… this entire thing is fucking sad,” Connor said bluntly.
Evan shifted from foot to foot. He sighed heavily and forced a small smile.
“It’s uh, it’s whatever…” Evan muttered. He folded it and tucked it neatly into his pocket. He avoided eye contact as he waited for Connor to push him- hit him, or just leave. Something! This is not how the conversation was supposed to go.
“It’s not though,” Connor said.
“Oh! It kind of is,” Evan said. He laughed nervously.
“What? Are you implying none of that was real? That it’s okay to feel like that? To be helpless? ‘Cause it’s not. Feeling that way fucking sucks,” Connor snapped. Evan swallowed and shook his head.
“No! I know- I know it sucks… I mean, I just- it’s not worth uh, it’s not arguing- worth! Worth arguing about,” Evan said. “I’m never heard… so it doesn’t uh, it doesn’t matter! Thanks uh, thanks for giving me back my letter.”
Evan hesitated, before grabbing his bag off of the floor and rushing out of the computer lab. Smooth Evan, very smooth.
He sighed and made his way to his next class. He didn’t want to be at school anymore, mostly because he didn’t want to see what would happen now that he changed every conversation he had come across today. Someone was going to yell at him. Someone had to- either Jared for leaving the conversation or Connor for not taking mental health serious.
Needless to say, he was stressed the rest of the day.
He didn’t come across Jared at the end of the day, much to Evan’s delight. He just needed to get out the door and towards the bus stop and he was home free.
“Hansen!”
Evan shut his locker and discretely put in his other earbud in an attempt to make it seem like he couldn’t hear him.
He hummed as he walked in the opposite direction of Connor’s voice, ignoring him calling out. He felt bad for ignoring Connor but he just didn’t want to have to have another conversation. He was tired. The first day of school was the worst and this was the second first day of senior year he had to endure.
“Fucking hell. Evan!”
Evan had just made it outside when Connor grabbed his shoulder and stopped him.
He tried to act pretty oblivious to Connor, taking out both his ear buds, one at a time and stuffing them into his pockets. He didn’t want to talk, so he waited for Connor to first.
“Are you okay?” Connor asked. Evan raised an eyebrow- why would Connor care?
“I’m fine,” Evan said with a small nod. He wasn’t fine. He was confused. He was tired. He was alone. He knew what Connor meant though, and yes, he was fine. He wasn’t going to do anything stupid. At least not now. If he kept living in this literal loop, he might just do something then.
“Are you?”
“Yes?” He was sure. It sounded like he was unsure, but he was sure.
Connor was not convinced. He could tell.
“Just uh…” Connor furrowed his eyebrows and hesitated, words getting caught in his throat.
Evan shifted and glanced around.
“I have to uh, catch my bus?” Evan said. “I’ll… see you tomorrow.” Or in the repeat of today . He gave a small smile before turning on his heels and walking off towards his stop.
Seconds later, Connor came up next to him once more.
“I could drive you home?” Connor offered.
“Thanks but uh, I actually have to run some errands,” Evan said.
That was the end of the conversation. Evan left and got on his bus. Connor left and probably got into his car.
He got the same text from his mother while waiting in his therapist office. He was eating alone tonight. Oddly enough, he wasn’t hungry at all. Well, he was hungry, but not as hungry as someone who hadn’t eaten in two days should have been.
His session wasn’t anything special. Evan kind of just made small talk the entire time. He brought up the weird senses of deja vu he had throughout the day, which was actually just whatever was going on right now. He didn’t give him his letter, which he was told to make sure he had a new one for thursday.
Home again, and Evan was done with the day. He had no clue what had happened today, and he had no clue if it was just a weird dream, or if there was some supernatural thing going on right now.
Regardless, as he started getting ready for the night, he was hoping it was just a dream. It was too close to today to be a dream. However, it was so different too. He didn’t even get pushed by Connor, and Zoe still apologized on his behalf.
It was weird. Everything was so weird. Despite the fact that it was impossible, Evan couldn’t convince himself that one of these days were a dream. Yesterday happened- it was not a dream. Today happened to though, and it wasn’t a dream. Days didn’t just repeat themselves though.
Sure, Evan felt like he was just floating through life, reliving the same day over and over again. But- he knew that that wasn’t possible in a literal sense. The world kept spinning, and the days kept changing.
So how come the day didn’t change?