Chapter Text
Jeongin looked at the scene in front of him at a loss of what to do. He couldn’t even really process what he was seeing.
They had had a busy day. It started early with a pre-recording, then a meeting to finalize some details for their comeback. Then their manager had dropped them off at the company and Chan had instructed each of them to work on their parts for the song, before a group practice that would be followed by dance practice.
Jisung had gone with them to the two first schedules. Then he had claimed to be feeling unwell – and he did look a bit sick – and had gone back to the dorms to rest. It wasn’t ideal, not so close to their comeback, but Jisung was doing well in both, vocal and dance practices, so Chan had decided to allow him a bit of rest, lest the boy get sicker.
Jeongin had gone home earlier, too. Chan had sent him ahead, because Jeongin had managed to learn the full choreography already, and Chan wanted the others to have it down as well before they all practiced together. And so Jeongin had headed back to the dorms, and he was already dreaming of a little nap before the others arrived when he opened the door and was greeted by… well, that.
Now, they all knew Jisung was childish. Not all of the time, obviously. The boy could get pretty serious when practicing, writing or performing. But he was also the one to lighten up the mood of the group and hype everyone up, always ready to play around and be silly to make sure everyone was smiling.
And that was when he was purposefully childish. There were also times when he did it without noticing, something Jeongin had started taking note of since he first arrived. The way Jisung nosed the others to asked for cuddles or the way he often poked others to get attention when he was bored were only a few of the things he did that weren’t really expected from a boy his age.
Now, despite all that, and despite Jisung often walking around with his pacifier in his mouth… Jeongin was not prepared to come home to the boy sitting on the living room floor, pacifier in his mouth, colouring a colouring book as Doraemon played on the background.
He watched the scene for a while. Jisung didn’t look sick. He looked peaceful and even happy. He was sucking on his pacifier and colouring a picture of Pororo, and sitting on his lap there was a stuffed fox Jeongin had ever seen before. Then Jisung moved to get another crayon and the toy fell from his lap. Jisung gasped and picked the toy up.
“Sowy, Fwower!”
He said, putting the toy back in his lap, carefully. Jeongin was intrigued.
His eyes moved to scan the boy. Jisung was wearing clothes that were too big for him, and that, from all Jeongin remembered, belonged to Chan. He was wearing sweatpants and a large baby blue sweater, and his feet were covered by little rabbit socks. Jeongin bit on his lip, smiling. He looked adorable, he had to admit that.
Carefully, the maknae took off his shoes, trying to be silent as he entered the room. Then he promptly kicked a stray cap that had been lying on the floor and cringed as Jisung jolted up, startled. Their eyes met. For a second, neither of them moved. Then Jisung gulped.
“Hyung…”
Jeongin started, but it was too late. Jisung quickly picked up his things and then rushed out of the room. But not before Jeongin could see the panic and tears in his eyes.
Jisung cursed as he put his things away and shoved his box of ‘little stuff’ inside his closet where no one would try to touch it. There were tears running down his cheek, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not when he knew Jeongin had seen him. Not when he was sure the maknae would tell the others all about this and get Jisung kicked out of the group.
He couldn’t believe he had been so careless. He had been doing this for over a month and he had never been caught. If he hadn’t decided to go out of his room he wouldn’t have been caught. But he had been greedy and careless, wanting more space, and now this was the result.
Jisung had come across the term ‘ageplay’ a few months earlier. It had happened a while after Chan got him his pacifier and he noticed how much he enjoyed sucking on the thing. This knowledge had led him to remembering a few things he had buried deep in his mind over the years, like the times he had lingered in front of toy stores and the baby aisle at the supermarket, a weird feeling in his stomach that now, years later, he identified as a mix of want and embarrassment.
It also led him to noticing a few things he did that he thought were normal, but actually weren’t that common on a seventeen year old. Like biting people to show affection. Or poking people and pulling on the clothes to get attention. Or whining when he wanted something and pointing at it with his nose, instead of asking for it. Among others. And all of that together had led him to searching things up in the Internet, which, in turn, had led him to a forum where he had discovered a whole world.
At first he had been scared and embarrassed. There was no way he was like that. He couldn’t be. That wasn’t normal and he couldn’t be like that. It was weird enough that he needed a pacifier, but actually acting like a little kid? He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t want that. So he had rejected the idea completely.
Unfortunately, he had underestimated how much he related to those people. He caught himself thinking about the things he had read time and time again over the week, until he gave up and started looking more into the it. And the more he read, the more he found himself in those words. Until the day one post, specifically, spoke so directly to him that he could no longer deny it.
‘Being little is not really a choice.’ The post said. ‘It is who you are. It’s not something you can turn on and off, it’s something that’s part of you. You can choose to never act on it, but no matter what you do, you will always have this more childish side. We know how to control it, obviously. In work environments or other places that require a certain degree of formality we act just like any other adult. But if we're with close friends in a comfortable environment this part of us just comes out, even if we're not actually in headspace.’
Jisung related to that so deeply it almost hurt him. He saw himself in that person. He knew how to act around other people. He was nice and kind and knew how to make small talk if required. But when they were at the dorms, just the nine of them, and he felt safe, his little childlike characteristics did come out almost involuntarily. And that was the moment when Jisung finally accepted that maybe he was, indeed, a little.
From there to actually acknowledging that and what it meant, however, there was a lot of time and a few tears and frustrated breakdowns. No one witnessed those. Jisung made sure to hide them, even if lying to Chan was one of the most painfully difficult things Jisung had ever done. He’d rather lie than have the boy look at him as if he was a freak. And then one day an opportunity for him to actually be little had presented itself, and Jisung had been so stressed and strung over that he had taken it.
He had taken a few more comfortable clothes and dressed himself in them, then he had picked up one of the stuffed toys he had gotten as a present from fans, and then he had headed over to his bed, putting on Doraemon on his computer and settling down to watch it with his stuffed animal, pacifier in his mouth. It had been easy, from then on, to relax. He had watched two episodes before growing bored and deciding to go on an adventure around the room with Flower, the stuffed fox.
It had been fun. It had been incredible fun, and when Jisung was forced to leave his headspace as he heard someone arriving at the dorm, he was sad and disappointed. He wasn’t ready to come out, yet, but he had to. So he forced himself to come out of headspace and put things back in place before going out to meet whoever had just walked into the dorm.
After that, he had taken a while to try being little again. He didn’t want to. After the relaxation passed, on that first time, he had been mortified, and he had promised himself he would never let himself do that again. Except that was easier said than done. It didn’t take long for him to start feeling overly childish, and the urge to be little became stronger and stronger, until he couldn’t take it anymore and let himself slip on a day they were supposed to be practicing with their vocal coaches, individually.
After that, he had repeated the process of push and pull four more times. It wasn’t the best mechanism, and he knew that. He let stress pile up too much before finally breaking down and accepting that he needed his headspace and allowing himself to get into it. And then he had to create excuse after excuse to justify being home alone, and usually he got only an hour or so alone, which meant he often had to force himself out of headspace before he was ready to do so. And this wasn’t healthy. He knew that. But what else could he do?
And now all of that work had gone down the drain.
Jisung sighed, drying the tears on his cheeks and sitting down on his bed, face buried in his hands. He heard a knock, and if it depended on him he would send Jeongin away, but he knew the boy would just ignore him. So he didn’t answer. Jeongin entered nonetheless. Jisung heard the boy sigh, then Jeongin sat next to him and placed a hand on his thigh.
“Hyung. Can you look up?” Jisung shook his head. Jeongin’s hand squeezed his thigh. “Hey, I’m not going to say anything about this. I just want to understand.”
He said. For some reason, that made Jisung want to cry even more. Probably an effect of getting out of little space so suddenly.
“I-I didn’t m-mean to.”
Jeongin rubbed his thigh.
“You didn’t mean to what, hyung?”
He asked. Jisung shook his head.
“You we-weren’t supposed to f-find out.”
Jeongin sighed.
“Hyung. Please look at me.” And this time Jisung couldn’t deny it. He put his hands down and looked at Jeongin through watery eyes. The boy gave him a little smile. “Good. Now can you explain to me what, exactly, was it that we weren’t supposed to find out about?”
Jisung shook his head.
“A-ageplay.”
Was all he said. knowing Jeongin wouldn’t know the term. And indeed, the boy frowned.
“Ageplay? What it that, hyung?” Jisung shrugged, but didn’t reply. Jeongin sighed. “Ok, how about this. I’ll look it up, so you don’t have to talk. And then I ask you the questions I have.”
Jisung sighed. He wanted to say no, to forbid Jeongin from looking it up. But he knew it was useless. Besides, Jeongin had already seen. He already knew. He would find out the rest sooner or later. So he nodded. The maknae beamed at him.
“T-the others…”
Jisung mumbled. Jeongin shook his head.
“I won’t tell. Don’t worry.”
And saying that he smiled at Jisung and left the room. And Jisung was left alone to mull over his stupidity.
Jeongin didn’t stay away for long. Less than half an hour later he was back, barely containing a bright smile.
Jisung sat up as the youngest entered the room. He bit on his lip, knowing what he was about to hear, and made space for the younger on the bed. Jeongin sat down.
“Hyung… are you really a little?” Jisung felt his cheeks reddening at the question. He shrugged. “Because that’s, like, the cutest thing ever.”
Jisung blinked, surprised. Jeongin was smiling widely at him.
“C-cute?”
Jisung asked. Jeongin nodded eagerly.
“Yup. Adorable. Were you in headspace when I arrived?”
Jisung’s blush was still there, but Jeongin’s words had taken a ton of weight from his shoulders.
“Uhn, yes, I-I was.”
He said. Jeongin squealed. Jisung’s eyes widened startled.
“That’s so cute, hyung! Do you always do this?” Jisung shook his head. Jeongin pouted. “Why not?”
Jisung bit on his lip, and Jeongin looked around, before spotting the boy’s pacifier and handing it to him. Jisung blushed, despite always using it around the dorm, but accepted.
“No time. Thewe is always someone else in the dowm. It’s hawd to be awone.”
He saw Jeongin deflate a bit.
“Why didn’t you ever tell us?”
The maknae asked. Jisung shrugged.
“It’s… it’s weiwd.”
He said. Jeongin tilted his head.
“Even after we’ve accepted every little quirk that has come up in the group, you still think we wouldn’t accept this?”
Jisung felt his eyes watering.
“It’s diffewent. The othew things… awe things we don’t contwow. Binnie ‘yung is scawed of the dawk. Lix is scawed of thundew. Jinnie wets the bed. This is diffewent.”
Jeongin sighed, then awkwardly dried a few tears that had spilled from Jisung’s eyes.
“Hyung, it may be different, but we accept it just the same. I read in the website that it’s a coping mechanism. You need your coping mechanisms.” Jisung looked down. “All of us have our own mechanisms. Yours… yours just happens to be much cuter than everyone else’s.”
Upon hearing that, Jisung looked up.
“You… you weally don’t cawe?”
He asked. Jeongin nodded.
“I don’t care. I think it’s adorable.”
He assured.
“Even if I sometimes want to be cawied awound and fed? Even if I want to dwink fwom sippy cups and watch cartoons?”
Asked Jisung. Jeongin nodded.
“Even then.”
Jisung fiddled with his fingers for a bit, then gave Jeongin a quick embarrassed hug.
“Thank you, Innie.”
Jeongin smiled.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever, hyung. Now tell me some more about little you. I’m curious.”