Chapter Text
When Brendon woke up, he felt about a thousand percent better. Which meant he could sit up and breathe through half of his nose with only mildly horrible snorgling noises. He was still a little light-headed, and his legs felt shaky, but the throbbing in his head was down to reasonable levels, and after four or five cough drops he could swallow again, as long as he braced himself. It was thrilling.
He had some more Gatorade. And then he stared blankly at the Gatorade for a minute, trying to figure out where the hell he had gotten it. The bottle had been set neatly by the bed, along with cold and flu medicine and extra tissues and lots of other things Andrew couldn’t possibly have been nice enough to bring. Brendon frowned. He was missing something.
He finally put it together when he saw the note on the tub of chicken soup in his mini-fridge. “Brought this by. Hope you feel better soon. Ryan.” Brendon almost smacked himself in the forehead. How had he forgotten that Ryan Ross had been in his room and touched him repeatedly and probably saved his life? That should have been indelibly tattooed in his memory, for serious.
Plus, Ryan had said something right before Brendon had passed out. Brendon blinked. Had he really… Had Brendon just wanted that so badly he’d made himself hear it? Or had Ryan honestly said… Holy shit.
“Oh my god!” Brendon burst out, almost dropping the bottle in his hand. He’d been falling asleep, he must have hallucinated it. What if was a fever-dream, or was the result of too much pining and wishing and worrying? What if he was going crazy? He certainly felt like he was going crazy.
He had to call Spencer right this second.
Brendon grabbed his phone and then stopped. If Spencer was lying – why the hell would Spencer lie, anyway? – what would keep him from lying even more? Nothing. Brendon needed to track him down and cough on him and threaten him with the death flu until Spencer gave in and explained what was really going on. Was Ryan lying? Brendon really hoped not.
He didn’t have Ryan’s phone number, though. Brendon dialed Spencer. His hands were shaking, and it wasn’t from the flu this time. “Where are you?” Brendon burst out, as soon as he picked up.
“Uh,” said Spencer. “Brendon? Are you okay?”
“I’m perfect, where are you?” Brendon repeated.
“At this exact second? I’m in the south cafeteria,” Spencer said. That was good; it was only a five minute walk from the dorm. Brendon could probably get there without dying. “Why? What’s up?”
Brendon hung up and stuffed the phone in his pocket. It was possibly not the smartest decision he’d ever made, but if he had to wait even a couple more hours to figure out what was going on he felt like he’d explode. He put on his sneakers, grabbed his new coat – he’d only narrowly talked Gerard out of the coat covered in faux fur –put his keys in his pocket, and started the world’s longest walk across the quad. The snow was mostly cleared, thank god, although the sun’s reflection off it was pretty dazzling. Or else that was the fever.
He was proud of himself for getting all the way there without throwing up or passing out. His head was spinning a little bit, but that was mostly adrenaline. He wasn’t going to try to climb a mountain or anything, and possibly when he got done talking to Spencer he’d lie down on a table and go back to sleep, but honestly, he was seriously fine.
The cafeteria was half-way empty, so it must have been sometime between lunch and dinner. Spencer wasn’t hard to spot. He was sitting in the middle of the cafeteria eating a sandwich and sitting with… Holy shit, that was Ryan. Who was either Spencer’s boyfriend, or he wasn’t. Brendon considered not going over after all, but then he decided it didn’t matter; someone wasn’t telling the truth about something and if he talked to both of them at once, maybe he’d have a better chance of figuring out who and why. He also had a chance at horribly alienating both of them and maybe ruining everything. But Brendon didn’t think that would happen; Spencer and Ryan both seemed like basically good people, and Brendon really wanted to believe it was all some kind of bizarre mix-up.
He walked over, taking extra care not to look like he might die at any second. “Hey,” he said, crossing his arms. It made him look tougher, and also, his hands were starting to shake a little bit again. He really didn’t want this to end badly.
Spencer looked up. “Did you just call me?” he asked, frowning. “That was weird.”
“Hey. Why are you out of bed?” Ryan asked.
“Spencer,” Brendon said, working really hard to keep his voice steady and wishing he didn’t sound so fucking congested, “did you lie to me?”
For just a second, Spencer looked utterly, totally, amazingly guilty. And then he crossed his arms and stuck his chin up a little bit, with an expression that was grumpy, and also hugely defensive. “What are you talking about?” he said.
“Just, Ryan seemed a little surprised to find out that he had a boyfriend,” Brendon replied uncertainly. He really, really hoped he was right about this.
Ryan’s mouth dropped open. “What?” he said.
“I wasn’t lying,” Spencer said, and then a second later added, “Not exactly.” He looked at the floor for a second, and then back up at Brendon.
“Wait,” said Ryan. “Who’s my boyfriend?”
“So you two aren’t dating?” Brendon asked. His heart was pounding in his ears. He probably wasn’t allowed to feel anxious and hopeful when Ryan and Spencer both looked so upset. He did anyway. “You’re not Ryan’s boyfriend?”
“You told him you’re my boyfriend?” Ryan said. He shoved his chair away from the table. “Were you planning to tell me about this?” He looked seriously annoyed, with a side of ‘are you kidding me?’ mixed in.
“Yeah, I did,” Spencer said. He sounded even madder, somehow. “So?” He stood up, arms crossed, looking seriously annoyed and upset. If Ryan hadn’t been there it would have been a little bit scary, because Spencer was significantly taller than Brendon and definitely outweighed him.
Brendon wanted to be pissed about the whole thing, but dark clouds were lifting away all over the place, and Brendon just wasn’t a naturally angry person. “So,” he said, “that’s awesome! That means Ryan didn’t cheat on you with me—” Ryan snorted. “—And you weren’t flirting behind his back with Jon!” He wished he were a little bit taller so he wouldn’t have to tilt his head up to look at Spencer.
Ryan stood up, too, hands on his hips. He gave Spencer a super dirty look. “You were pretending to be my boyfriend and then you flirted with someone else?” he said. “You bitch.”
“Listen,” said Spencer angrily, “the very last thing Ryan needs in his life right now is another fucked up alcoholic messing with his head, okay? So don’t – ”
“Wait, who’s the alcoholic?” Brendon interrupted, baffled.
“My father,” Ryan frowned. “But I don’t get what that has to do with this.”
“Brendon,” said Spencer, turning to Ryan, “isn’t exactly a tee-totaller, okay? He’s a total fucking party kid.”
“No, I’m not,” Brendon said. He was completely bewildered by this turn of the conversation. “I barely ever drink anything!”
“Are you kidding?” demanded Spencer. “The day we met you were so drunk you threw up all over my shoes!”
Brendon really did not remember that. “Oh. I did?”
“Yeah, black-out drinking is definitely a sign of someone who doesn’t party,” Spencer sneered. “And you’re always talking about going out and getting wasted and –”
Brendon burst out laughing. “You believed me?” he said. He was elated. “I was totally lying to try and make you think I’m cool. I never go out anywhere except to babysit! Oh my god, that’s why you acted like it was so weird that I babysit Brian’s kids! Dude, I am not at all a partier. A big weekend for me is like, Dance Dance Revolution and watching Monty Python.”
“You say that, but—”
“You must be talking about Andrew’s party, huh?” Brendon offered. “And you’re totally right, I got wasted. But it’s the first time I’ve ever done that, and I’m never doing it again. It sucked. Ask anyone! Or, well, you can’t, actually. I don’t really go out, so no one really knows me. You could check with Andrew, though.”
Spencer stared at him for a minute. “But…” he started, and then trailed off. Most of the nastiness in his expression had drained away, replaced with confusion and what Brendon secretly hoped was guilt.
“May I interrupt for just a second, please?” Ryan said. His tone could have cut glass. “What the hell is going on?”
Most of the people in the cafeteria had turned and were staring at them as they yelled and gesticulated like crazy people. Well, Brendon and Spencer were yelling; Ryan was more standing there, lips pressed together angrily. Brendon resisted the urge to wave at all the spectators. “A couple weeks ago Spencer told me he was your boyfriend,” Brendon explained. “That’s why I’ve been avoiding you.”
“You’re the one who said you’d get fired for dating Brendon anyway,” Spencer pointed out. He didn’t sound mad anymore, though. He sounded pretty defeated.
“Why would you say that?” Brendon asked.
Ryan shrugged. “Brian loves you and hates me,” he said. “He’d freak out.”
Brendon bounced a little bit, and then regretted it; his head still hurt. “Do you know what I love most about this conversation?” Brendon asked. “I am not the craziest person involved in it! Brian doesn’t hate you, he just thinks you’re weird. Really, I talked to him about this a couple of days ago. He thinks you’re artistic and smart and everything.”
Ryan stared disbelievingly at Brendon for a second, and then turned to Spencer. “You’re telling me that when I phoned you and told you I met someone at work—” he started.
“You didn’t say it was, like, love or anything,” Spencer muttered.
“—You decided your next big move was to run out and sabotage it? Spencer, what the fuck?”
Spencer sighed and sat down. He slumped a little in his chair. “I don’t know,” he said. “I was just… You’ve been so depressed since your dad… And I just… I couldn’t stand back and watch a train wreck coming and not do anything.”
“I actually think it’s sweet,” Brendon agreed.
They both turned to stare at him. “What?” Ryan said.
“Don’t you get the awesomeness of that? You’ve been friends for a really long time, and he obviously loves you a lot, and he wanted to protect you. I’m basically harmless, but he didn’t know that, and I think it’s amazing that you have someone who loves you that much.” Until very recently Brendon had felt bereft of almost exactly that same thing, and now that he had it again he knew just how important it was.
“You’re insane,” said Spencer.
“Maybe,” said Brendon, “but I’m not involved in anyone cheating on anyone else, and Ryan doesn’t have a boyfriend, and everything is actually better than I thought it was yesterday. I mean, yesterday I was pining away with a totally hopeless stupid crush, and today my crush is available! And… Right here. Uh. Oh my god.” Half of that speech had been a really good idea, and the other half, probably not so much. Brendon’s face was totally red. “Please pretend you didn’t hear that.”
“No way,” said Ryan flatly. “I heard this entire conversation. I honestly can’t believe what I heard, but I definitely heard it.”
Brendon sat down next to Spencer. He’d had a whole plan for seducing Ryan, and it hadn’t involved blurting out his stupid crush in the middle of the cafeteria in front of Ryan’s best friend, who was apparently some kind of really protective psychopath. “Um,” he said. “It’s the fever talking.”
“Yeah, you’re going back to bed,” Ryan said. “You look pretty shitty. And you—“ he pointed to Spencer “-are in so much trouble, I swear to god, Spence, if I hadn’t known you my entire life I would never speak to you again.”
Spencer bit his lip. “Ryan, I’m sorry, okay, I didn’t mean—”
“We will discuss later, in great detail, how you are going to make this up to me,” Ryan said. “I’m making lists. Bullet-pointed lists.”
Now that most of the adrenaline was gone, Brendon felt spectacularly bad again. He tried to keep it off his face, but he couldn’t help coughing a little. “You guys really shouldn’t fight over me,” he said. “It’s silly.”
“We aren’t, exactly,” Ryan said. He grabbed Brendon’s arm and tugged him to his feet. “Come on,” he said. “Bed. Before you collapse and Brian kills me. I’m glad you came here and everything, because I sort of thought I’d freaked you out over Thanksgiving. I was pretty sure you were mad at me. And since it turns out my best friend is a back-stabbing, betraying, Judas—”
“Ryan, oh my god,” Spencer said. “I wasn’t trying to—”
Ryan just kept talking right over him. “—But I’m a little worried that you’re going to die.”
“I’m fine,” said Brendon, trying not to sniffle. “Seriously. One hundred percent.”
Ryan snorted. “Right. Just like how Spencer and I are dating. Keys.” He held his hand out.
Brendon handed them over meekly and let Ryan steer him back toward the door. He was tired, and he was willing to take any excuse to lean on Ryan. He was totally hopeless.
Spencer ditched their lunch trays and caught up, hands shoved in his pockets. “Ryan, I honestly didn’t think it was that big a deal,” he said again.
“You were wrong,” Ryan replied flatly. It was cold outside. Brendon wanted to insist that he was fine and he could walk all by himself , because he wanted Ryan to forget the horrifying way he’d blurted out his crush as quickly as possible. But when he tried to pull away and stand on his own, Ryan made an unhappy noise and put his arm around Brendon’s waist. Brendon’s big goal was to be an independent grown up, but he was only human. Ryan was warm, and he smelled good, and he was way stronger than he looked. Brendon didn’t have enough willpower to insist.
He was feeling pretty shaky and miserable anyway by the time they got to his room. “It smells like feet in here,” said Spencer, after Ryan unlocked the door.
Brendon couldn’t smell a damn thing. “That’s just my roommate,” he said. He sat down on the bed.
Ryan handed Brendon’s keys to Spencer. “So here’s thing number one,” he said. “I have to go back to work, but you’re staying here. Brendon’s not allowed to die.”
“He’s not going to die,” said Spencer, rolling his eyes. Ryan frowned at him. Spencer held up his hands in defeat. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll check on him, okay?”
“That’s only number one,” Ryan said. “Two through seventy-five involve you being my personal slave for the rest of your life.”
“Fuck you,” said Spencer comfortably. Ryan looked pretty mad, though, and Spencer looked down, biting his thumb and shifting guiltily.
“I’m feeling great, actually,” lied Brendon. He did not want to be the focus of their argument at all.
They both ignored him. “I’m leaving,” said Ryan. “But I’m going to call and check up. I’ll expect proof of life.”
Spencer stuck his tongue out at him. Ryan rolled his eyes. Brendon appreciated the way they could get furious with each other and still be friends. He really, really wanted them to be his friends, too. And just as soon as he stopped feeling like he might drop off to sleep in the middle of a word, he’d figure out a super charming and persuasive way to tell them that. His eyes seemed to be sliding shut of their own accord again.
“I can take care of myself, Spencer,” Ryan said.
“No, you can’t. That’s like – Ryan. When in the entire time I’ve known you has that ever been true?”
“Always.”
“You’re deluded.”
“You’re bossy!”
Brendon yawned, “You two go ahead and fight. I’m going to lie down.” He flopped back on the bed.
“I’m bossy because you’re on another planet half the time!”
“You’re bossy because you like being bossy.”
Seriously, Brendon couldn’t wait to hang out with them. Just as soon as he could stay awake for it.
\ \ \ \ \ \
Brendon woke up alone eventually. Spencer had left incredibly detailed instructions – orders? – about which pills to take and what time he’d be coming back. Brendon was too tired to look at the clock, but he took the medicine with some Gatorade anyway. The second time he woke up Spencer was actually in the room, arms crossed, glaring at the open door. “No,” he was saying to someone in the hallway, “fuck you. I don’t care. Why would you want to be in here anyway? You’ll get sick. Go back to wherever you were yesterday.”
“But it’s my room,” said Andrew’s voice.
Spencer made a dismissive noise and shut the door. “Your roommate is a selfish jerk,” he said to Brendon.
“Sure,” Brendon agreed, struggling to sit up, “but I don’t know that you’re allowed to kick him out of his own room.”
Spencer rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, I can take him.”
Brendon nodded. “The girls’ jeans are just a front,” he said. “Really you wear so much pink because you’re tough.”
Spencer laughed a little sheepishly. “Dude, don’t get your jealous all up on me,” he said. “I may shop in the junior’s department, but your jeans are totally from Baby GAP. Don’t lie.” His bitchface was pretty good, but it turned out Spencer’s smile was even better; when he was really laughing it lit up the room. Brendon had a new mission in life; to make Spencer and Ryan laugh as often as possible. “Feeling better?”
“Mildly worried Andrew might come back with an army of his insane friends,” said Brendon. “But yeah. I can almost breathe again.”
“I think you had the Martian death-flu,” said Spencer. He hesitated for a minute, and then sat down on the edge of the bed. “Listen,” he said. “I’m sorry. Okay? I knew you weren’t really a bad guy, and as soon as I did it I felt bad about it, and you’re probably really pissed at me – Ryan is so pissed at me – but I had a knee-jerk panic reaction to Ryan’s whole… Anyway, Ryan has made me promise about seven hundred times that I will never interfere in his personal life again, and I won’t, because I think you’re actually okay. You make Ryan happy, and nothing ever makes Ryan happy. So. I’m sorry. Again.”
Brendon blinked. He made Ryan happy? “I’m not pissed at you,” he said instead. “I think it was nice of you. Well, not for me, but for Ryan. I want there to be people looking out for him like that.”
Spencer clearly didn’t buy it. “Right,” he said. “If you hurt Ryan I’ll kill you, just so you know. And we still have to figure out what to do about Christmas.”
Brendon was getting whiplash talking to Spencer. Maybe the cold medication was the reason he couldn’t follow the transitions. “Uh,” he said. “I think it’ll just happen by itself on the twenty-fifth. It always has so far.”
Spencer laugh-snorted. “I mean, what are we going to do about Ryan on Christmas. You’re part of the discussion now. If you want to be, obviously. I tried to get Ryan to come home with me, but it’s expensive. You said you’d be off wassailing and shit with your family, but he can’t stay here by himself.”
“That was me lying again. I’m kind of… I’m not going home, either, they don’t... Anyway, I’ll be here,” Brendon said, feeling a little sick like he always did when he thought about winter break. And then suddenly he realized that he’d be here, but he didn’t have to be by himself; it wasn’t going to be the worst week of his life after all. He had all kinds of options he hadn’t even let himself consider before. He wasn’t sure he could handle watching Brian and Gerard and Mikey be ridiculously happy together, but he could probably take a couple of hours of them freaking out at each other. Especially if Ryan was around.
The only minor detail was that he hadn’t officially been invited to Brian’s house for Christmas, but Brendon was pretty sure that wasn’t going to be a problem.
“Dude!” Brendon said excitedly. “I totally have this covered. What if I take Ryan with me to Brian’s house for Christmas?”
“Ryan says Brian hates him,” Spencer said doubtfully.
“Ryan’s a little crazy, then,” Brendon said, “and you should keep in mind that I’m out of my mind over him, so when I say that I’m really serious. I wouldn’t drag him somewhere that would make him miserable. Brian wants Gerard to meet Ryan anyway. You should come, too. It’ll be awesome.”
“My sisters would kill me if I didn’t go home,” said Spencer. He paused. “Wait. You’re seriously, seriously not mad at me?”
“I kind of love you,” said Brendon. “I mean, I threw up on you and you like me anyway. If I wasn’t sick as hell I’d be hugging you right now. Fuck it; you’re totally going to catch this.” He leaned over and hugged Spencer before he had a chance to duck away.
“Dude, keep your Martian death-flu germs to yourself,” Spencer said, trying not to laugh. “Oh my god, get off; you’re like a monkey.”
“I,” said Brendon seriously, not letting go, “am really hard to resist.”
Spencer sighed. “Yeah,” he said. He patted Brendon’s knee. “I kind of figured that out.”
\\ \ \ \ \
Brendon was ready to give classes a try on Monday, but Spencer said absolutely not. Brendon didn’t remember ceding his decision-making skills to Spencer, and told him so. Spencer countered with an entire speech about how if Brendon died before Spencer got a chance to make up for ruining his life the last couple of weeks, Spencer would never be able to forgive himself. And also, Ryan would never forgive him. Brendon decided not to explain that actually he felt like Spencer had made it up to him just by being around and interested in Brendon’s wellbeing.
Instead he said, “Well, if you’re feeling guilty you can hang out here. I’m bored.” Then he made Spencer watch the entire five-disc Planet Earth DVD. Spencer pretended not to be interested, but by the time the cameramen rescued the baby penguin, he was entranced, and when the lions ate the elephant he totally hollered at the screen. It was awesome. Brendon was spending most of his energy trying not to cough or sneeze or throw up too much, but he appreciated Spencer’s enthusiasm.
They talked about music, and tv shows, and totally random shit, and when Brendon wasn’t feeling miserable and sick he was ecstatic. Spencer was not only cool, he was goofy and fun and just as awesome as Brendon had suspected. When White Christmas came on local cable and Brendon sang along with every single song – sore throat or not, Brendon had to sing along, it was a law practically – Spencer didn’t make fun of him. He did insist Brendon stop dancing, but that was because it made him cough until he threw up.
Mikey called a couple of times. Apparently Brian had told the boys not to bother Brendon until he was feeling better, but Mikey said firmly, “I’m not bothering you.” It wasn’t a question, so much as an assertion, and it made Brendon feel like a million bucks.
“Are you going to get in trouble for calling?” he asked.
He could almost hear Mikey shrug. “Every time Gerard’s grounded he spends the whole week sneaking around calling Frank. I’m not too worried.”
“No, I don’t!” Gerard yelled in the background. There were scuffling noises for a minute.
“I feel totally better anyway,” said Brendon. Spencer snorted.
“You sound bad,” Mikey said. “Can we come visit?”
Brendon was a little afraid of how anyone would deal with Gerard if he got the flu. It would be pretty much the end of the world. “No,” he said. “When I feel better I’ll come by, okay?”
“Promise,” Mikey ordered.
Brendon grinned a little bit to himself. “Yeah,” he said. “Okay.”
Tuesday Brendon skipped classes again, but he stole his keys back from Spencer so he could go to Brian’s office. He needed to talk to Brian about Christmas. He also needed to talk Ryan about although it made his stomach knot up uncomfortably to think about. Just how horrified had Ryan been when he realized Brendon had a big stupid crush on him? When Ryan said he’d volunteered to come and check on Brendon, had he meant it in a strictly work-related way, or was it something else? And if Brendon ever stopped sniffling and being completely sick and gross, was Ryan interested in kissing him again? Brendon felt like a lot of things hinged on the answer to that last question.
He really did feel better, though; four days of doing almost nothing but sleep had knocked the flu down to manageable size. He wasn’t quite prepared to get to the office and run straight in to Gabe, but it wasn’t any worse than it would have been if he’d been feeling 100 percent. Gabe yelled, “Monkeys!” and shoved past him in to the hallway. Brendon had no idea if Gabe was insulting someone, or if Gabe just, you know, thought there were monkeys in the building. Or oh my god, what if Gabe had brought monkeys to work? It was totally possible.
“Brendon!” said Brian happily, looking up from his desk. “Feeling better?”
“Completely,” said Brendon. “Thanks for sending Ryan to check on me.”
“Well,” Brian said, “he offered. And he’s been keeping me updated. Who’s Spencer?”
“His friend,” Brendon replied, and then, with a little smile he couldn’t quite contain, added, “And a friend of mine.” He got to say that, now. It felt awesome.
“I’m glad you’re getting better. Gerard and Mikey were about twelve hours away from stealing my car and going to check on you themselves. I should never have mentioned that you were sick.”
Brendon’s life was amazing. “Hey, Brian,” he said. “I have kind of a deal to offer you.”
Brian looked understandably baffled. “Um,” he said. “Okay?”
Brendon worked really hard not to bounce – he could get excited about things and not start jumping around, it just took some concentration. “I can fix Gerard,” he said. “I mean, not totally, obviously, but for Christmas.”
Brian got this look on his face. It was indescribable. “Really?” he said urgently. “No crazy roof shenanigans? Brendon, I know I said this last week, but I love you.”
Brendon laughed. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m awesome. And all you have to do in return is invite me and Ryan over for Christmas.”
“I – What?” said Brian.
“That’s the deal,” said Brendon happily. “You invite Ryan to Christmas, and I’ll make sure Gerard doesn’t have any meltdowns. I mean, I’m kind of assuming I’m already invited, which, if I’m not, never mind, but--”
Brian frowned at him. “We talked about you being stupid,” he said.
Brendon shrugged and grinned. He felt like he’d been filled up with helium and he was going to float away. “Yeah,” he agreed. “I was just checking.” Was he smiling like an idiot? He was probably smiling like an idiot. “So all you have to do is invite Ryan.”
Brian opened and then closed his mouth. Eventually he nodded. “That is just about the best deal I’ve ever been offered,” he said finally. “That’s… Would Ryan even want to come over for Christmas?”
“Ryan’s stranded here for the holidays without any family, too. We both came in to work on Thanksgiving, actually.”
“You fucking liar,” said Brian. “I knew you were lying.”
Brendon shrugged. “Deal?” he said.
“Deal,” said Brian. “Can you fix this right now? Do you need anything from me? I’ve been, uh, worrying about this just a little bit.”
More like losing his shit over it. “Yay,” said Brendon, and then wished he hadn’t. Who actually said ‘yay’ out loud like that? Fuck it; Brian apparently loved him anyway. “Friday, I promise,” he said. “I need to handle this in person, I think.”
Brian sighed. “Right,” he said. “Do you want me to invite Ryan, or are you going to tell him?”
“You have to,” Brendon said firmly. “He thinks you hate him, remember? He won’t believe me.”
“Ugh,” said Brian. “That makes me feel like I totally suck as a boss, by the way.”
Brendon shrugged. “I’m going to go answer phones and let you sweat about this,” he said.
“You’re going to stare in to space and daydream about Ryan,” said Brian. Brendon’s jaw dropped. “Dude,” said Brian. “You have the most obvious crush ever.”
Brendon’s voice didn’t want to work. “I do not!” he squeaked. Brian looked skeptical. “Gerard and Frank,” Brendon protested.
Brian laughed. “Okay, I’ll give you that one,” he said. “But I’m on to you. I’m only inviting Ryan to Christmas if you promise there won’t be any weird groping that will traumatize my kids. Gerard’s way too curious about sex already.”
“He’s fourteen,” Brendon said. “That’s going to be ninety percent of what he thinks about for the next ten years.”
Brian smirked. “So ninety percent of your brain is busy thinking about having sex with Ryan Ross? Oh my god, please don’t answer that. I really don’t want to hear the answer.”
Brendon was blushing so hard he was pretty sure he was going to catch on fire. He ducked his head. “I’m going out to the desk,” he mumbled, and ran.
Half an hour later Ryan walked out, shaking his head. He looked mildly dazed. He was also wearing a newsboy’s cap and a cowboy neckerchief. “I just had the strangest talk with Brian,” he said.
Brendon had absolutely not been thinking about sex with Ryan. He’d been mostly daydreaming about how they’d steal Jon to be in their band, and how Ryan would write all their lyrics, and whether or not the band would suffer if Brendon and Ryan were totally all over each other all the time. Daydream-Spencer seemed mildly disgruntled.
“Yeah?” said Brendon, who wasn’t sure if he was supposed to pretend not to know what they’d been talking about.
“Yeah. I guess I’m… I’m invited over for Christmas at his house,” Ryan said uncertainly. “It’s very strange. I told him I appreciated the offer but I really couldn’t impose, and he said he’d fire me if I didn’t go. I think he was kidding. I don’t know, can he do that?”
“Yes,” said Brendon firmly. “You have to go. I’m going to be there. It’ll be awesome.”
“Oh,” said Ryan, like everything made sense all of a sudden. “It’s like that.”
“He feels really bad that you thought he didn’t like you,” Brendon said. “He tries to make shit like that up to people.”
Ryan frowned. “I don’t care if he doesn’t like me,” he said. “As long as he doesn’t fire me or anything.”
“But it’s better,” Brendon insisted, “when people like you. Trust me. I just worked this whole thing out with Spencer.”
Ryan got frownier somehow. “I talked to Spence about that,” he said. “Is he giving you a hard time? Because I will kill him if I have to.”
“No, no, no,” Brendon said quickly, “we’ve totally worked the whole thing out. I’m just saying, my life’s a lot better now that he doesn’t think I’m a crazy, partying, drunk person.”
“Oh,” said Ryan consideringly.
Brendon had also spent some time trying to figure out how to start this conversation. He took a deep breath and made his hands in to fists, shoving them against the desk. “Listen,” he said, and his voice didn’t break, but it was a close thing. “I, um. I want to talk to you. About something.”
Ryan leaned on the desk next to him and tilted his head. “Yeah?” he said.
Brendon would have been able to concentrate much better if Ryan weren’t so close. Their knees were almost touching. It was too awkward to sit down while he tried to talk to someone who was taller than he was anyway, so he stood up and tried not to fidget. Standing up made it seem weirdly formal. Brendon put his hands in his pockets.
“I was actually kind of hoping not to blurt this out in the cafeteria in front of Spencer, but it’s too late for that, so I figured I’d better say something about it. I. Uh. I am not crazy, okay, but I maybe have a little crush on you, which I guess you totally know about now, and which I was hoping you reciprocated since we did kind of kiss that one time. But then there was Spencer and everything got really bad and I was avoiding you, but that was because I thought you were a creep for cheating on Spencer. But you weren’t, and it didn’t really discourage my crush much anyway. And now it turns out you’re not dating Spencer, and I was kind of wondering if you… I mean, would you be interested in…” He couldn’t get to the end of the sentence; his voice kept giving out.
Ryan was watching him with an expression Brendon couldn’t figure out for a minute. Brendon fidgeted. Ryan pressed his lips together. And then Brendon realized Ryan was trying not to burst out laughing.
“You jerk,” said Brendon, shoving him. “You’re supposed to say something when someone pours out their heart to you, not stand there smirking!”
“But you’re so hilarious,” Ryan said. His lips were twitching a little bit. “I mean, do you think about what you’re saying, or do you just talk until you run out of breath?”
The words were a little mean, but Ryan’s expression was… Well, it was hard to figure out, actually. “Both,” said Brendon uncertainly. “But planning ahead doesn’t seem to affect what I end up saying.” Ryan still hadn’t actually replied to the whole speech, thing, which was killing Brendon a little bit.
“Mmmm,” said Ryan. “Interesting.”
Brendon bounced on the balls of his feet for a second. If Ryan didn’t say anything soon, he was going to die. “Ryan,” he complained. “I sort of need you to say something. Uh. I mean, either way. It’s kind of painful to just stand around and wait and –”
Ryan started to laugh, just a tiny bit. He’d edged over so his hand, on the desk, was almost behind Brendon. His shoulder was brushing Brendon’s. Brendon tried to start talking again and got a noseful of Ryan, who smelled like baby powder. Brendon frowned. “You smell girly,” he blurted, and then wished he hadn’t.
“I’m wearing girls’ deodorant,” Ryan said. Was he blushing a little bit? He was definitely smiling, and Brendon wasn’t sure why, because Brendon’s heart was trying to beat out of his chest. When, exactly, had Ryan gotten so close? Brendon could count his eyelashes.
“Oh,” said Brendon. “It smells nice.” He was going to kill himself later, he honestly was.
Ryan nudged him with his hip. “Do you think,” he said softly, “that I go around kissing everyone I meet?” he asked.
“I wondered for a little while,” said Brendon. “But uh. I hope not.” He was holding on to the desk really tightly, because otherwise he was in danger of falling down.
“You can be kind of an idiot,” Ryan said. “You’re lucky you’re so fucking cute.”
‘Cute’ was not what Ryan would have said ideally, but Brendon understood the limits of the universe; he wasn’t exactly Brad Pitt, and he got kind of puppyish when he was excited, and cute, at least, was positive. ‘Fucking cute’ was better than ‘regular old cute,’ and it didn’t sound like a brush-off. He was pretty sure Ryan wasn’t going to say ‘You’re so cute; let’s just be friends.’
Brendon was not about to let that happen. He tilted his head up so he was looking right at Ryan and smiled. Brendon was not some girl, okay, he was totally a man and he could convince Ryan he was sexy and confident and all kinds of other things.
Except he forgot to do any of that because Ryan shifted closer and Brendon had nowhere to back up except into the desk and Ryan leaned down and Brendon leaned up and they were kissing again.
The part of Brendon’s brain that had been chanting ‘Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!’ and making extensive plans about what to do next just shut down. In fact, the whole thing shut down, like he’d gone offline; there was just Ryan’s mouth, and Ryan’s lips, and Brendon opened his mouth because Ryan seemed to want him to, and there was Ryan’s tongue, too. Holy shit. Brendon made a muffled, happy noise and grabbed Ryan’s shirt with both hands. Ryan stuck his hands in Brendon’s back pockets. If Brendon hadn’t been pretty well trapped between Ryan and the desk, he would have bounced with glee.
“Here, move like--” Ryan said, pulling away for a second, and nudging Brendon back.
“I can’t. Wait, what?” Brendon said breathlessly. Ryan pushed at him again, and Brendon had nowhere to go up but up on the desk, so he obligingly hopped up. Ryan moved so he was standing between Brendon’s legs – Brendon was going to die from happiness, there would be nothing left, he was going to spontaneously combust – and hooked one hand in the back of Brendon’s jeans.
“Better,” said Ryan firmly. Brendon totally agreed. He still had his hands in Ryan’s shirt so he dragged Ryan’s mouth back down to his. Ryan tried to laugh again, but Brendon distracted him pretty thoroughly.
“So much better,” Brendon agreed, when he had to breathe again. Ryan’s hat was totally askew, and Brendon’s glasses were fogging up. These were pretty much the best five minutes of Brendon’s life so far. And then he started to giggle, and he couldn’t stop, shoulders shaking against Ryan, who just rolled his eyes. “Wait,” said Brendon, helplessly laughing. “Wait a second.”
“You have to stop talking,” Ryan said.
“I can’t believe you kissed me when I’m all sick and gross,” Brendon snorted. “You’re so weird.”
“I was trying to shut you up. Again,” said Ryan, rolling his eyes.
“Ahem!” said a loud voice behind them.
Brendon winced. He leaned forward and hid his face against Ryan’s chest. Ryan smelled amazing. “Hey, Gabe,” said Ryan.
“You are getting cooties on each other,” said Gabe. “And all over the desk. I’m going to have to Clorox that shit.”
“I’ll do it,” said Ryan. “Go away, please.”
“Brendon, are you being sexually harassed?” Gabe asked. “You can file a complaint. Did Ryan touch you in your bikini area?”
“Not yet,” said Brendon, “but I’m kind of hoping, so you should go away.”
Ryan cracked up at that, and so did Gabe, cackling like a chicken. “Use protection!” he ordered. “Babies shouldn’t be having babies. I don’t want to take either of you to Planned Parenthood.”
“Gabe, do you even understand how sex works?” Ryan asked. Brendon was giggling again, but it was muffled because he was still leaning against Ryan.
“Travis says not really,” Gabe sighed. “But I’m working on it.”
“Go away,” Brendon pleaded. “Seriously. Oh my god. Go away.”
“Fine,” said Gabe. “I’ll expect a detailed report later.” He flounced away.
Brendon groaned. “The mood is totally ruined, right? I think I’m going to die.”
“We probably shouldn’t do this at work anyway,” Ryan said. He stepped back a little bit, but he still had a hand tucked in the back of Brendon’s jeans. Every time his fingers brushed against Brendon’s skin, Brendon’s brain went offline again.
“I’ll quit,” Brendon offered.
“No, because then Brian really would hate me, and we’re trying to avoid that, remember?” Ryan said. “We’ll just have to pick this up later.”
On the one hand, Brendon wanted to cry. On the other hand, he was pretty sure Ryan Ross had just asked him on a date. “Later like in five minutes in the elevator?” he asked hopefully.
Ryan said, “How about dinner? Or a movie?”
“Or making out at your house?” Brendon suggested.
Ryan laughed. “My house is full of my roommates.”
“And my dorm is full of Andrew.”
Ryan shrugged. “We’ll figure something out.”
“If one of us just had a car, we could climb in the backseat and fog up the windows, like in Titanic.”
“That’s it, Brendon; dream big.”
Brendon started laughing. “It’s not fair,” he complained. “This isn’t supposed to require planning.” He tugged Ryan down again so he could nuzzle up under Ryan’s chin, where he had a little stubble. It was amazingly sexy.
“We’ll figure something out,” said Ryan confidently. He shivered when Brendon licked his jaw. “I have faith in us.”
“Mmmm,” agreed Brendon. “Yeah. Me, too.”
/ / / /
Friday afternoon Brian gave Brendon a ride back to his house. The minute Brendon took off his coat Brian said, “So? You’re fixing this, right?”Brendon didn’t laugh at him, but it was a near thing. “Give me ten seconds, Brian,” he said.
Brian looked at his watch impatiently. “Fine,” he said. “Ten.”
Brendon rolled his eyes and ran upstairs. He came back a minute later, dragging Gerard by the arm. Gerard had been in the middle of drawing something for Frank, and the last thing he wanted was to be interrupted. His face looked like a thundercloud.
“Tell Brian what you told me,” Brendon ordered, pulling him in to the kitchen.
“‘Ow, Brendon, ow, my arm,’” Gerard repeated robotically.
Gerard wasn’t as funny as he thought he was. “Fucker,” said Brendon. “I mean what you told me on Thanksgiving.”
Gerard went from murderous to horrified in a second flat. “What? Brendon, no. I still have a week!”
“I decided you don’t need it,” Brendon said firmly. “You’re going to be mature about this, and tell him right now.”
“Tell me what?” Brian asked.
Gerard crossed his arms and stared at the floor. “Brendon, I didn’t figure out how yet. This isn’t fair.”
Brendon sighed and gave him a one-armed hug. “All you have to do is tell him what you told me, Gee. I promise. He’s not going to be mad.”
“Gerard,” said Brian uncertainly, “You can tell me anything. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, but… I don’t want to make you upset, and… God, Brendon, this is stupid.”
“What Gerard means,” Brendon interrupted, “Is that the holidays have been making him cry like a little girl because—”
“Brendon, you’re going to tell it wrong. I’ll just do it, give me a minute,” said Gerard impatiently, shrugging his hand off. “I just… I really like it here, okay, and your mom is great, and everything is good, honestly,” Gerard said. He risked a glance at Brian, who mostly looked confused. “But the way you do stuff isn’t the way we… It isn’t the way we did stuff before. And I kind of… I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it or anything, but I miss our stuff, I guess.”
Brendon waited while Brian untangled that story. He could tell the exact second Brian got it, because he went from looking a little bit confused and worried to sudden, shocked understanding, complete with wide-eyes and open mouth. “Oh my god,” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me? We could have… Gerard, we can totally fix this.”
“I didn’t want you to be sad,” Gerard mumbled.
“I’m not sad, I’m just a little…” He stopped and waved his hands around crazily. Brendon was pretty sure he was picking that up from Gerard. “You have to trust me with this stuff, okay? I can handle it. I don’t want you feeling miserable, even if you think it might make me unhappy to tell me something.”
“I’m not miserable,” Gerard argued. “I’m just… I don’t know. It feels weird.”
Brian was already yelling for Mikey to come downstairs. Gerard looked up at Brendon, puzzled. Brendon tried not to grin too much, and shrugged. Mikey came down a second later, rubbing his eyes. He muttered, “What?”
“We have a week to be a planning committee,” Brian said firmly. “Grab some paper and a pen, Brendon.”
“Planning committee?” Gerard demanded. “Why?”
Brendon obligingly got some paper and sat down at the counter. “What’s first?”
“Well, my mom and I always open presents Christmas day, first thing in the morning,” Brian said. “What does your family do, Brendon?”
It hurt a lot, but not quite as much as Brendon had expected. There were all kinds of things he missed, but he could bring some of them with him, and there were things he could share with Gerard and Mikey and Brian, that his family would never have understood. “We hung up stockings for Christmas Eve, and when we got up in the morning Santa would have filled them up,” he said. He glanced over at Mikey and Gerard, but he was pretty sure both of them were beyond the point where they believed in Santa. “Just little stuff. And we woke up at like, six in the morning, to open our presents.” With five kids in the family there hadn’t ever been anything big, but Christmas morning was a chance to get stuff that wasn’t hand-me-down sweatshirts and books.
“Gerard?” said Brian.
Gerard just stared at him for a minute. And then he looked at Brendon, and then Brian again, and then Mikey. He bit his lip. “We got presents in the morning,” he said. “But if I complained enough they’d let us open up one big thing the night before.”
“We can do it like that,” said Brian. “What did you guys usually eat?”
Gerard needed lots of prompting, and it took him a long time to give details that meant anything. Brendon was pretty sure he wasn’t ever going to tell Brian everything about Christmas with his parents; it looked like it hurt too much. Brendon got that. There were a bunch of things he was keeping locked up, too. Mikey mostly looked confused, but he put his chin on Gerard’s shoulder and stood there, tugging on Gerard’s hair whenever Gerard got too uncomfortable or fidgety. It was ridiculously cute.
Brendon made lists of stuff to buy and things to do, and then Brian called his mom to see if she’d be willing to cook all the things they’d written down. Brendon could hear her yelling through the phone clear across the kitchen; of course she was happy to cook anything the boys wanted, but they couldn’t have told her a week ago so she could shop? Gerard started giggling and hid his face in Mikey’s shoulder. It was relieved laughter, though, and Brendon suspected that if Gerard had been by himself it might have been crying.
Mikey kept looking at Brendon and shrugging. It was totally possible that Mikey really didn’t remember much from before he’d lost his parents, but it was also possible that it just didn’t register as that big a deal for him. He was always so more self-contained than Gerard. He clearly got that it was a big deal for his brother, at least, and he seemed willing to participate.
“Okay,” said Brian finally. “I think this is all taken care of. Crisis averted. Do you feel better?”
He had a way of asking Gerard questions in a really serious manner, like Gerard was a grown up who could totally handle answering them. He talked to Brendon that way, too, Brendon realized suddenly, which was one of several million things he loved about Brian.
“I do,” said Gerard. “I really… Thanks.” He nudged Mikey, but Mikey just looked puzzled and said “What?”
Gerard made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll do it.” He flounced over to Brian like it wasn’t his idea at all, and said, “We totally appreciate this.” And then, in spite of being fourteen and a total brat half the time, he hugged Brian.
For once it looked like Brian might cry. Brendon felt a little vindicated because he’d been getting choked up, too. “It’s no problem at all, Gerard,” said Brian. He was doing a pretty good job of keeping his voice steady, but Brendon could hear the quaver.
“I,” said Brendon grandly, “have saved Christmas!”
“My hero,” Mikey said, and rolled his eyes.
“I totally am, you little faker.”
“You’re actually coming this time, right?” Mikey asked, crossing his arms. “Because if you punk out like at Thanksgiving, I’m never speaking to you again.”
“I’ll be here, Mikey Way. You can put away the puppy-dog eyes,” Brendon promised. Mikey looked smug.
Gerard pulled away from Brian and straightened his t-shirt. “It wasn’t even that big a deal,” he said. “Thanksgiving, I mean. It’s not like I was that upset. Brendon’s always exaggerating things.”
“Hey!” Brendon protested. He was, in fact, always exaggerating things, but not this.
“I would have been totally fine,” Gerard said confidently, which was a total lie. Brian looked at Brendon and rolled his eyes, and Brendon felt a little better.
“If you say so,” said Brian patiently. “We have to go buy decorations and shit for the house, by the way. Gabe and Bill might stop by, and Brendon’s boyfriend is coming over.”
Mikey and Gerard both turned to look at Brendon, who felt his face heat up. Gerard frowned. “You didn’t say anything,” he accused.
“It’s new,” Brendon explained, trying not to grin like an idiot. It made his chest feel all tingly and his mouth kept smiling all by itself. He wasn’t sure Ryan actually was his boyfriend yet, but he liked the way it sounded.
“Ohhhh,” said Gerard, nodding. “That’s… Huh. Wow.” He looked contemplative.
“Is he nice?” Mikey asked suspiciously. “What if we don’t like him?”
“You’ll like him,” Brendon assured him. “He’s awesome.”
Mikey made a disgruntled noise and shook his head at Gerard. “I guess,” said Mikey, in his grumpiest voice. “But he better be.” It was okay; Mikey looking out for Brendon made Brendon pretty happy.
“Everything is good,” Brendon said. He felt that way most of the time, finally. He had spent lots of time with Ryan at work, not doing any work. He wasn’t going to tell Mikey and Gerard that, obviously. Plus, Spencer kept calling him to worry about their history final, and they kept ending up talking about Gossip Girl for, like, hours. Brendon had friends, and family, and even with the holidays and finals coming up, things were honestly good.
Ok, fine, everything wasn’t perfect; he hadn’t studied for his finals coming up after break at all because he’d been pining over Ryan and now he was busy being giddy over him. He was also more than ready to be done thinking about his family’s Christmas traditions, which they were carrying on without him. But he was trying not to think about that too much, because he had all these people in the kitchen who loved him.
Brendon kicked his feet against the rung of the stool a little bit. “I thought we were going shopping, not talking about my love life,” he said. He had a love life now. He laughed.
“I want fake snow in a can,” Gerard announced. “And we still don’t have a Christmas tree. I don’t know what kind of fucked up Christmas you usually have, Brian, but we need a tree.”
Brian rolled his eyes, and later, in the car, whispered to Brendon that he hadn’t put up a tree because when he’d mentioned the possibility a week earlier, Gerard had burst in to tears and gone running upstairs. “Thank you for fixing this,” Brian added.
Brendon just kept grinning.
\ \ \ \ \
Everyone started leaving campus on the twentieth. It was completely empty by the twenty-third. Brendon had been fighting to keep his mood up – things were better than he ever could have hoped, he had Ryan on speed dial and Brian and the boys were expecting him over for Christmas – but it was really hard when all the lights in the buildings started going off and he knew there was no one else around. He was the last fucking person left on the entire campus, or maybe it just felt that way. Everyone else was off with family and friends. He wouldn’t even have minded bitching about overcooked rolls and sharing a bedroom with his brothers. He just hated the silence everywhere.
Of course, it wasn’t silent everywhere; he could turn on the TV and watch strangers star in movies about not having Christmas, until the very last second when Christmas was suddenly saved. Or he could go out and look at all the Christmas decorations on all the houses around town. Except nothing was going to be open for the next couple of days, so there really wasn’t anywhere to go. Even Jon had gone away for the weekend. Brendon felt mildly betrayed.
He knew he could call Brian, but he didn’t want to. He was crashing their family Christmas already, and he was maybe thinking about crashing Christmas Eve now, too, because his stomach hurt like he’d swallowed lava just thinking about spending it alone. He didn’t think Brian would mind, but that didn’t mean he wanted to do it. Being totally pathetic and calling for rescue three days in a row was too much. Brendon was pretty sure watching that much family togetherness would make him feel even worse.
Brendon picked up his phone and looked at it for a minute. He could call Spencer. Spencer still owed him for the whole Ryan debacle, and he could totally call and cash in. But he didn’t want to interrupt when Spencer was having family-time with his sisters. Brendon weighed the phone in his hand for a minute.
It was scarier than it should have been. He knew he was allowed to call Ryan, but he wasn’t sure what to say if Ryan picked up. They’d been on one actual date for coffee, which had gone pretty well, and had ended in more making out and a tiny bit of public groping. There had also been lots and lots and lots of stupid flirting in the office, which was going to incite Gabe’s wrath pretty soon. Brendon felt like he was generally really bad at judging how much other people actually wanted to spend time with him, versus how badly he wanted them to want to spend time with him. It was a miracle he hadn’t driven Brian totally crazy by now.
Ryan had said he wasn’t doing anything for the holidays, though, and maybe he was feeling lonely tonight, too. Brendon hit the speed dial and shut his eyes for a second. He took a long, bracing breath.
“Hey,” said Ryan.
Brendon tried not to choke. “Hi,” he said.
There was a pause. “This is Brendon, right?” said Ryan finally. “What’s up?”
“…Nothing.” Brendon was pretty sure if he wanted to keep Ryan’s interest he couldn’t unload all his crazy on him at once. He bit his lip and fidgeted, playing with his bedspread.
“Uh, okay,” said Ryan. “Did you know they run like, nine hours a day of America’s Next Top Model on VH1 for some reason? It’s weird.”
“Yeah?” said Brendon. “I was a little afraid to turn the TV on. I mean, uh.” He winced. “You never know what kind of stupid shit you’ll see on basic cable. Televangelists and QVC and shit.”
“Plus, tons of stupid Christmas specials, which totally suck.”
Brendon loved Ryan so much it hurt a little bit to think about it. “Yeah, there’s that, too,” said Brendon. He hesitated. “You’re not doing anything important, are you?”
“I’ve seen this cycle of Top Model four times. I’m pretty sure Naima is going to win.”
“Oh, good. I didn’t want to interrupt—”
“You’re not,” Ryan said.
“I’m freaking out a little bit,” Brendon blurted suddenly, and then stopped, heart totally in his throat.
“Yeah,” said Ryan. “I got that.” He hesitated. “You should tell me why. It might make me feel better about freaking out, too.”
Brendon was absolutely not going to cry in front of Ryan until they’d been dating for at least a year. And then it would have to be in a manly way. “Just, Christmas was always something I did with my family, I guess,” he said. “I mean, we’re a big family, and we were always together, even when my brothers got older and left home. Even when I stopped going to church, we still… Christmas was always… I’ve gotten pretty used to being on my own, but I don’t know what to do with myself this week, I guess.”
Ryan sighed. “Christmas at my house sucked,” he said. “I always went to Spencer’s so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.”
“Do you wish you were back in Vegas with him?” Brendon asked. He wouldn’t be that hurt if Ryan would rather be with Spencer; they’d known each other forever, and Brendon was definitely still the new guy.
“Not really,” said Ryan. “It… Sometimes it’s worse, when the people you’re around are all happy and together, and you’re all by yourself. You know?”
“I… Yeah. I know. I know exactly.”
They were both quiet for a minute. Brendon wanted to say something about how Ryan wasn’t really alone, he could be alone with Brendon, they could be alone together. But that was probably too crazy and co-dependent for a second date. “You’re watching VH1, right?” Brendon said instead, and flipped the TV on. “Oh, dude, this is like my favorite episode ever. This is the one where they go to South Africa and whatshername can’t even remember who Nelson Mandela is and she starts screaming at Naima for not being black enough.” He started laughing preemptively.
“It’s pretty fucked up,” Ryan agreed. Brendon thought he could hear him smiling.
“I missed the part where they dress up like totally insane animals, right?”
“Yeah, that was the best.”
Brendon doubled-over on the bed, trying to stop laughing long enough to breathe. “You’ll watch the rest of this on TV with me, right?” he said. “I’m going to have to stay up all the way to the end.”
“Totally,” Ryan agreed. “Um. Brendon?”
Brendon forced himself to stop giggling and sound serious. “Yeah?” he said.
“You’re… Are you sure you really want me to come over to Brian’s with you? It’s kind of… I feel weird about it. Because they think of you as family, and I work for Brian, and I’m not great with big crowds of people. So.”
“I’m totally, completely, utterly sure, Ross,” Brendon said firmly. “I don’t want to be there on my own. It’s too weird. It’s family, but it’s not… They aren’t my…” At this point, weren’t they realer than the people back home? Brendon dug his nails into his palm. “I mean, they say it, and I believe them, but I also… I didn’t call them tonight, because sometimes they make me feel like I’m standing outside, looking in the window and just watching them be happy, and I… This sounds stupid and crazy, right? I’m sorry. Pretend I never – Oh my god.”
Ryan hesitated, just long enough for Brendon to convince himself that the next thing Ryan was going to say would be an apologetic break up before they were ever really dating.
“It sounds deluded,” Ryan said finally. Brendon’s heart sank. “You’re not outside the window, you dumbass. The door’s open and they’re like, ‘Why isn’t Brendon coming in?’ Just because your family sucked, Brendon, doesn’t mean everyone’s going to suck.”
Brendon had to swallow a couple of times before he could say anything. His eyes were stinging for totally unrelated reasons, honestly. “Yours too,” he managed finally.
There was a pause. “I’m working on that,” said Ryan. “I… I have Spencer.”
“And me. If you want.”
Ryan didn’t seem to be breathing at all for a long, long minute. Brendon held his breath, too. “Uh,” Ryan said at last, and his voice was all clogged up and shaky. “Did you ever think Top Model would stoop so low as to try and teach us about apartheid?”
“I know, right?” Brendon said, forcing himself to laugh a little bit. “It’s ridiculous.”
“Sublime,” Ryan corrected.
Yeah, Brendon thought. That, too.
\ \ \ \
Brendon ended up giving Ryan a ride early Christmas morning in Brian’s car. The lawn was covered in snow, and Gerard had covered the windows of the house in fake snow and tinsel and millions of things that glittered. Ryan looked nervous, so Brendon decided they should hold hands. “Are you sure—” Ryan started for the seventh time.
Brendon rolled his eyes and shoved the door open. He had to pull a little bit to get Ryan to walk in. “They’re here!” Gerard yelled from the stairs, running down. Frank was hot on his heels. “Hi,” said Gerard, scowling, and then suddenly he wasn’t scowling anymore. He was staring at Ryan in open-mouthed shock. “Your eyes,” he breathed.
Ryan actually looked fairly normal, for him; a little glittery and a lot of pink and blue, but less like a gay raccoon than usual. Ryan tried to edge behind Brendon, which didn’t work at all, because he was taller than Brendon was. Brendon started to giggle. He had been a tiny bit worried, he hated to admit, but everything felt so normal he almost didn’t know what to do with himself.
“That’s amazing,” said Gerard. He was totally awestruck. “How did you do that? Can you show me? Frank! Look at that!”
Frank was looking, and he rolled his eyes a little, but he nodded. “Very cool, Gee,” he said loyally. “But I think you should do it more bad-ass.”
Whatever reaction Ryan had been waiting for, that probably hadn’t been it. “Uh,” he said. “I guess I can show you sometime? If it’s okay with Brian?”
“Brian has a zillion tattoos. He doesn’t get to tell me how to dress,” Gerard said dismissively. “Frank, we are going makeup shopping.”
“Let’s make Bob go,” said Frank. “They won’t give him shit about it at the store.”
“Oh, good idea! I’m going to go call him. Nice to meet you.” Gerard and Frank ran back upstairs, arguing over who was going to buy what. Brendon wasn’t entirely sure what Frank was doing at the Schechter-Way house on Christmas morning, but he assumed Frank’s mom would know where to find him if she wanted to.
Brendon couldn’t stop grinning. Ryan looked astonished, and a little horrified, which was a lot more emotion than he usually showed. “That was Gerard, right?” he said finally. “I think I’ve seen him at the office. So the tiny one must be Frank?”
“Gerard’s not the one you have to watch out for,” Brendon said. “Mikey’s pretty grumpy about you.” Ryan’s eyebrows shot up. “He’s kind of like my middle-school version of Spencer,” Brendon explained.
“Oh, god,” said Ryan. “Wonderful.”
Brian came out. The whole house smelled like cooking, but it smelled good, which meant it wasn’t Brian doing it. “Hey, guys,” he said. “What are you showing Gerard?”
“Makeup?” Ryan said uncertainly.
Brian sighed. “Yeah,” he said, “I thought that might happen. C’mon in. Put your coats wherever.” He went back in to the kitchen.
“He’s not mad,” Ryan whispered. “That’s… Unexpected.”
“Dude, I’m pretty sure I told you,” Brendon whispered back. “These guys are awesome.”
“Yeah, about you,” Ryan muttered. Brendon squeezed his hand. He’d talk Ryan around eventually. He just had to get his own head around the idea of having family again first.
Gerard had gone kind of crazy decorating the tree, and he’d hung a lot of Star Wars figurines from the lower branches. There were boxes underneath, and a couple of them said ‘Brendon,’ which would have gotten Brendon choked up except he was busy trying not to seem like a total sap in front of Ryan. Ryan just shook his head, though. “It’s okay,” he said. “You clearly want to run around the house and hug the shit out of everyone and cry or something. So you should go do that.”
“It’s just,” Brendon tried to explain, “there wasn’t going to be anything this year, and I was feeling sick about it, and now there’s everything, and I can’t… I almost can’t believe it.”
This time Ryan squeezed Brendon’s hand. “Yeah.”
Mikey walked in to the living room, crossed his arms, and flopped on the couch. “You’re here,” he said, but it wasn’t clear from his tone if he was happy Brendon was there or mad Ryan was.
“Merry Christmas, Mikey Way,” said Brendon. “This is Ryan.”
Ryan waved awkwardly and tried to hide behind Brendon again. “Mikey, be nice,” Brendon ordered. Did that ever work? It had never worked when any of his siblings had brought someone home and taken the attention away from Brendon, so he didn’t think it would have much of an effect on Mikey now.
“I’m nice,” Mikey grumped. “I’m just… Careful.”
“I’m trying to be careful, too,” said Ryan. They looked at each other for a long minute.
“Fine,” said Mikey eventually, “but if you make Brendon sad, I’m going to make you pay.”
“I told you he was Spencer,” Brendon whispered. “I got that same speech about you last week.”
Ryan just nodded. “I’ll do my best,” he said to Mikey.
Mikey looked only mildly mollified. “Just as long as you know he was ours first,” he said. Ryan nodded again. Brendon didn’t know who to look at. If he looked at Ryan or Mikey he might cry.
He settled for looking under the tree and blinking really hard. “Is that for me?” he asked. “From… Gerard?”
“Yeah, Gerard got you a DVD of—”
“Don’t tell him!” Gerard yelled from upstairs. “He has to open it, Mikey. You suck!”
“You suck!” Mikey yelled back.
“You both suck,” said Brendon cheerfully. “Can I open it now?”
“No,” said Brian, from the kitchen. He was such an eavesdropper. “That’s for later.”
Gerard and Frank came back downstairs with Gerard’s entire collection of markers and paint, and attempted to recreate Ryan’s makeup on each other. Then they gave up and Gerard argued amiably with Mikey about whether or not he looked stupid, while Frank used tinsel to try to create a trapeze he could swing off the stairs with. Frank fell on Mikey and explained to Brendon that his mom had decided she could get ready for family coming over later much more easily without Frank underfoot all morning. Brendon totally understood.
At some point Bill, Brian’s friend who lived nearby, stopped by with his girlfriend. Bill was always fun, because he knew tons of embarrassing stories about Brian, and he liked to share them. Brian’s mother came out of the kitchen and hugged Brendon, who tried not to get sniffly about it. Then she ordered Brian to stop ruining the food, and shooed him out of the kitchen.
Gabe arrived with Travis, who Brendon had maybe thought was made up but turned out to be both real and totally stoned. Gabe had attached mistletoe to his hat, and used it as an excuse to grope Brian and terrorize Brendon. “If other people at the office get to make out with you, I don’t see why I shouldn’t,” Gabe leered. It wasn’t that Gabe was scary, exactly, but he was like, twice as tall as Brendon was. Also, he was crazy.
Brendon figured he was probably joking. Just in case, though, he moved so that Ryan was between him and Gabe. He might have been clinging to Ryan’s hand a little, too. Ryan worked with Gabe; he had some kind of Gabe-proof force field. Gabe smiled toothily at him and waggled his eyebrows.
“Stop that,” Ryan said calmly, giving Gabe a stern look. “Or next time Travis calls I’m going to tell him where you are and what you’re actually doing.”
“What?” Travis said, frowning.
“Nothing,” replied Gabe firmly. “You win this round, Ross. Don’t think this means you win the war.” He winked at Brendon, who tried not to flinch too much.
“Leave my boyfriend alone,” Ryan said.
Hearing him say ‘boyfriend’ like that was pretty much worth any amount of Gabe’s crazy to Brendon. Brendon grinned and bounced a little. “Yeah,” he chimed in. “Leave his boyfriend alone.”
Ryan’s face honest-to-god turned pink and he looked at the floor for a second. “I didn’t mean…” Ryan said. “Unless you wanted me to. I—”
“I want you to,” Brendon said firmly. He kissed Ryan’s cheek, because he’d promised Brian no public groping. Ryan got redder.
“Ahem,” said Mikey pointedly. Ryan gave him a slightly worried look and tried to edge away from Brendon. Brendon kept a firm hold on him anyway.
Gerard had invited Bob and Ray, but their parents didn’t seem down with that plan, so he put them on speakerphone and started telling them about Ryan’s makeup. Gabe wanted in on the conversation, until he and Gerard started arguing about where the best place to buy lipstick was. Neither one of them really had any idea, and the argument got pretty loud. They both kept turning to Ryan and saying, “Right?” Ryan didn’t actually wear lipstick, so he just shook his head and tried not to catch anyone’s eye. The louder Gabe got, though, the more annoyed Bill started to look, until he and Gabe were arguing too, and Brian had to holler at them all to stop yelling around his kids. No one looked mad, and Travis and Gerard were laughing pretty hard, but it was still a lot of noise. The living room was definitely getting a little full.
It took a little more than an hour before Ryan started to look completely overwhelmed. Brendon pulled him upstairs to the boys’ bedroom and shut the door. “Hey,” he said. “You okay?”
“I’m just…” said Ryan. “It’s a lot of people around, and they’re all so loud. I hang out with Spencer’s family sometimes, but I’ve known them forever. It’s not… Like this.”
Brendon could barely believe that it was all for him, that he got to claim so many of these people as people who loved him. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for Ryan, feeling peripheral. He thought about the Thanksgiving he’d spent with his roommate the year before and shuddered.
“We can stay up here,” Brendon offered. “I’m used to having a really big family around, but I… I haven’t had that in a while. It’s okay to skip it.”
Ryan smiled. “I want you to have that,” he said. “I’m okay.”
He wasn’t, though. “Let’s stay up here anyway,” said Brendon. “I can think of a couple things we could do to pass the time besides talking to weird kids. Or Gabe.” Brendon got on his tiptoes and kissed the corner of Ryan’s mouth.
Ryan smiled. “Yeah, okay. For a little bit,” he said, and then Ryan’s phone rang.
“It’s not me this time, at least,” Brendon sighed, disappointed. He sat down on Mikey’s bed and wondered if he could steal the pirate-patterned blanket.
“Hello?” said Ryan. “Oh, hey, Spencer. Merry Christmas. Yeah, tell everyone I said hi. No, it’s… Well. It’s pretty cool, actually. It’s nice.” He paused and handed the phone to Brendon. “He wants to tell you something.”
“Spencer! Merry Christmas!” Brendon cheered, taking the phone. “It’s ass-o’clock there, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” said Spencer grumpily. “My family got up an hour before fucking dawn, even, I swear to god. I’m going to kill them later. Anyway, I have a Christmas present for you, but only if you want it. I promised not to interfere with Ryan, but I didn’t promise not to interfere with you. I’ve decided you need some interfering. Seriously, Brendon, how have you even been surviving this year?”
“I’m fine,” Brendon protested, simultaneously stung and happy that Spencer had decided he needed adoption.
“So listen, your roommate Andrew is friends with my roommate, whom I totally hate and am only living with because there was a fuck up with registration. I think we should switch.”
“You want to live with Andrew?” Brendon was completely puzzled. He also wasn’t following along very closely because Ryan had sat down right next to him, and one of his hands was on Brendon’s thigh.
“No, you… Brendon, you’d move in to my room. Don’t be an asshole.” And then Spencer remembered that he was being nice, and sighed. “Only if you wanted to, though. But, please, Brendon? I really hate him. It’ll give Ryan all kinds of excuses to come by and visit.”
It might have been a bad idea; if Ryan and Brendon broke up horribly Brendon knew Spencer would never forgive him. But Brendon wasn’t great at worrying about long-term consequences, and he was pretty sure he and Ryan were going to be together forever anyway. He’d decided to take good things wherever he found them and look gift horses in the mouth later. “Spencer!” he shouted. “That would be awesome. You have to fly home right away so I can totally hug you until you squeak. Okay?”
Spencer laughed. “I’m going to come home wearing body armor,” he said.
“You’ll never get that through the airport,” Brendon argued. “Deal with it, dude. I am going to hug you, okay? There will be serious hugging.”
“Put Ryan back on the phone, Brendon.”
Spencer and Ryan talked for a couple more minutes, with Ryan mostly rolling his eyes and nodding. There was one, “Yes, we’ll go see his band next week. Yes, you told me he rescues kittens,” and one, “No, I’ll forgive you when you make it up to me. And I’ll tell you when that is, so you’ll know.” And then Ryan laughed, and said, “Love you too, Spence,” and hung up.
“You’re going to forgive him soon, right?” Brendon asked anxiously.
Ryan stuck the phone in his pocket, which was amazing, considering how tight his jeans were. Brendon put one leg over Ryan’s, and his chin on Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan didn’t seem to mind that Brendon wanted to touch him all the time. Also, Ryan smelled really good.
“I have a plan,” Ryan said. “We’re going to see your friend Jon’s band, right? You said Spencer has a thing for him. So I figure I’ll just tell Jon that Spencer and I are dating, and then we’ll be even.”
“No,” said Brendon immediately. “That’s a terrible plan. It’s mean to Jon, who doesn’t deserve it, plus I am totally against you pretending to date other people. Just because it worked out okay this time doesn’t mean we’ll all escape unscathed again.”
Ryan shrugged. “Maybe I’ll just make him fill out my tax returns. He’s good at that shit.” He shifted his leg and moved so he was straddling Brendon, which made Brendon’s brain short out completely. He let Ryan nudge him backward until they were lying on the bed.
Kissing while horizontal was even better than kissing sitting up, as it turned out. It was a little weird, because they were on Mikey’s bed, but Brendon told himself they weren’t really doing anything. Ryan moved his hands cautiously underneath Brendon’s shirt, and his mouth was on Brendon’s neck, but that was pretty tame, compared to what Brendon wanted him to do. And if Brendon, when he could concentrate long enough, was considering trying to unbutton Ryan’s jeans, that was probably just a coincidence.
“Brendon!” Gerard yelled from downstairs. “Presents! You’re going to miss it!”
Brendon pulled his hands away and turned his head, laughing. “We need a house all to ourselves,” he said. “I keep saying this.”
“Jesus,” Ryan muttered. He sat up and tried to straighten his clothes. He looked totally rumpled and sexy, and Brendon wanted to pull him down on the bed again right that minute. “Some day soon, Brendon Urie, we are going to get to second base. It’s going to be awesome.”
“This is already awesome,” Brendon said, and then wished he hadn’t, because he was trying not to say embarrassingly sappy things around Ryan. He rolled out from under Ryan and sat up, adjusting his shirt and making himself breathe slowly in and out a couple of times.
Ryan smiled. “Some weird little kids are waiting for you,” he said.
Brendon grabbed Ryan’s hand before he could stand up. “Are you sure this is okay?” he asked. “I was really homesick and miserable and Christmas was killing me inch by inch when I felt like I had to do it by myself. It’s only getting better because you and Brian fixed it by… God, just by being around. And I... I don’t know how to fix it for you. I’m working on it, though. I don’t want you to be miserable today.”
Ryan smiled crookedly. “I’m not. You’re already fixing it a little,” he said. “Honest.”
Brendon’s throat hurt from… From being happy or something. It sucked that he wasn’t at his house back home, and it sucked that he wasn’t caroling or celebrating with his brothers and sisters and parents. But it felt amazing to be really, genuinely wanted here. It didn’t take the suck away, exactly, but it blunted the edge of loneliness so much that Brendon barely felt like the same person he had been a month ago. He wanted to figure out how to give that to Ryan, too.
“Brendon!” Frank yelled.
Ryan looked at him out of the corner of his eye, and smiled like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to be totally happy. “This is better than… I didn’t expect… Sometimes you make me feel like things might be okay, in spite of myself.” Ryan said quietly.
Brendon squeezed his hand and kissed him, until Ryan actually smiled. Brendon was never going to get tired of making Ryan smile. Brendon found smiling was getting easier and easier, the more time they spent together. They headed downstairs, holding hands, and Brendon couldn’t help beaming. “That’s what I just figured out,” Brendon whispered. “Everything is going to turn out all right.”