Chapter Text
it’s strange, now. he’s in charge of giving hyunjin his medication, a cocktail of chemicals that drip steadily from his IV and small white pills in a cup. jinyoung has to change his scrubs to sterile ones, wash his hands until they’re pink and raw, and shower in the specialized washes before he can head inside. this means he’s always cold, always wet – but the smile on hyunjin’s face is so, so worth it.
jinyoung stays for hours at a time when he can. jaebum’s other patients take up a lot of his morning and handling the nurses take up his afternoon. hyunjin is the dwindling hours of the end of his shift, moving from pink skies to indigo clouds. he still sees his friends, still chastises yugyeom and bambam when they do stupid things, still comes in at exactly eight am on the dot with his expensive coffee. still sits in his chair, still handles all of jaebum’s loose ends with effortless experience.
but hyunjin is different. hyunjin is clumsiness, jinyoung laughing too loud, hyunjin is story books and jinyoung is gentle hands on his shoulders. it delves from reading through le petit prince into singing lullabies for him, patting his chest when he’s dry coughing, wiping away the snot and tears from his face.
it’s jinyoung, needles and blood draws, hyunjin squeezing his eyes shut as he looks away.
“it’s over, hyunjinnie,” jinyoung says soothingly, placing the tubes of blood to the side where hyunjin can’t see them anymore. he smooths a bandaid over hyunjin’s vein. presses so it’ll stop bleeding faster, even though it hurts more.
hyunjin whimpers little, but it’s far from the crying that had been their first time. he screams - screams - when someone else other than jinyoung tries to draw blood from him.
“what a good boy,” jinyoung says, smiling.
“it’s over,” hyunjin repeats under his breath, blinking long eyelashes awake. he’s tired, no doubt. he always is, even though jinyoung knows he’s got energy like any other child.
“it’s almost time for dinner, and then bed,” he pulls up the blankets to cover hyunjin’s cold knees. he’s been coughing too much recently. they’re not at the point where he has to breathe with help, but jinyoung worries anyway.
“i’m not hungry,” hyunjin insists stubbornly, something that he’s been doing for the past few days. it’s started when one of the other nurses charged with hyunjin’s care, nayeon, had come to jinyoung with her worries about his plate remaining mostly untouched.
“that’s not a good attitude to have if you want to grow bigger,” says a voice that definitely doesn’t come out of jinyoung’s mouth, but would have been just as good as his own with the way hyunjin pouts. he swivels around to see jaebum standing at the door, already washed down and dressed in nurse’s scrubs. he puts his hands in his pockets. “how are you, hyunjinnie?”
“doctor im,” hyunjin greets almost shyly, but not without excitement. “i’m full! i had cookies!”
“ah, but those are snacks, not real food,” jaebum says. “i’m your doctor, and i say that you need some soup!”
“ew,” hyunjin crinkles his nose adorably, “soup is just flavor water.”
jinyoung chuckles. “soup can be really good! our cooks here make really good soup, you know?”
jaebum preens, looking way too proud of himself as hyunjin looks furrows his brows. jinyoung just wants to pinch his cheeks. after a moment, hyunjin looks up at jinyoung beseechingly, “nyoung make soup too?”
“i – “ jinyoung’s cheeks burn. “i’m not a great cook, hyunjinnie.”
“wanna eat nyoung soup,” hyunjin insists, his tongue tripping over the words as his delayed speech comes into play the more insistent he is. jinyoung pats his thigh. “okay, okay. i’ll try to learn and make it for you one day, okay?” it’s no small promise. jinyoung is half a disaster in the kitchen, unable to do anything but follow simple instructions, make ramen, and heat up take out.
“maybe if you ate here, jinyoung would make you soup,” jaebum suggests. there’s a twinkle in his eye that tells jinyoung he’s enjoying this far too much. “how does that sound, hyunjinnie?”
“great!”
“i thought you were trying to save him, not kill him,” jinyoung murmurs to jaebum heatedly. “what are you telling him?”
“you’re not that bad,” jaebum whispers back in the same tone. “come on, look how happy he is! the kid loves you.”
it’s jarring, to hear it said so plainly. no fanfare, no big revelation. yes, jinyoung loves hyunjin.
“i love nyoung too!” hyunjin says, and jinyoung’s heart starts beating again. he doesn’t realize how long he’s been staring at jaebum, utterly listless, until he hears hyunjin’s voice again.
he shares one look with jaebum, a fleeting glance as he turns to face hyunjin. jaebum reaches out to grasp his wrist, pressing his fingers deep into jinyoung’s pulse to ground him. he knows what he sees in that split second: vulnerability. jinyoung is terrified.
“i love hyunjinnie too,” jinyoung says, and he senses jaebum about to pull away and leave, let them be on their way as they finish up routine. except jinyoung is off kilter, and he pulls jaebum closer by virtue of the other’s grasp. “i can read you one book, hyunjinnie. what would you like to read?”
“kongjwi and patjwi,” he says in slow, meticulous words.
jinyoung removes the book from the small bookshelf they’ve created out of the cart that always remains in hyunjin’s room. he sits down right next to hyunjin’s bedside, leaning over so that the child can see the pictures as well. after a moment, jaebum sits on hyunjin’s opposing side, also leaning over so the both of them can cradle hyunjin between them.
jinyoung begins reading slowly, knowing that they’ll be able to finish the book in time. his voice is low and soothing, the way hyunjin likes it, and in no time, he spots the tell-tale signs of hyunjin getting sleepier; his hands don’t move around the pages as much and jinyoung has to turn them for himself.
what comes as a surprise, though, is the small giggle that breaks his concentration. jinyoung’s voice falters on the stepmother’s words and he turns to hyunjin questioningly, only to be met with the sight of jaebum’s head sinking into the pillow.
it’s highly unprofessional and somewhat surprising, but…jinyoung stares at the shadows underneath jaebum’s eyes, how his shoulders are so tense with an unknown burden. he looks intensely worn down, and jinyoung doesn’t know why. hyunjin squirms. “doctor im’s snore tickles,” he informs jinyoung imploringly.
staring down so close to him, next to jaebum, jinyoung startles a little at how the curve of hyunjin’s eyes are similar to jaebum’s. his gaze flickers back and forth to the both of them, feeling a bit like someone’s hit him over a head. “he’s in a pretty deep sleep,” jinyoung whispers, automatically trying to keep quiet for jaebum after a lifetime of getting into the very habit.
“shh,” hyunjin agrees, like it’s a secret between them.
jinyoung smiles. “well, what do you want to do then, hyunjinnie? it’s supposed to be your bedtime soon, anyway.”
hyunjin is stubbornly kicking sleep away, possibly trying to get the last few minutes he can with jinyoung. he’s more often than not sleeping, so boggled down with the fatigue of an old man that doesn’t fit his six year old self.
“wanna look out the window.”
so jinyoung takes his hand and carefully moves the IV line around jaebum, whose body slumps further into the uncomfortable hospital beds, and helps hyunjin walk over to the large window at the side of his bed. hyunjin craws up to sit in the window’s crawl space, allowing jinyoung to pad it down with some pillows and warm blankets. it’s a window that doesn’t open, but the glass is so clean that jinyoung feels as though he can reach out and touch the seoul skyline.
“pretty,” hyunjin marvels, pressing his nose against the cold glass. jinyoung pulls him away with a quick chastisement. “but there are no stars, nyoung.”
“they’re up there, you just can’t see them.”
“why?”
“they’re hidden by the lights of the city. it’s so bright down here that it drowns out the starlight up there.”
“oh,” hyunjin says slowly. “could we go to the beach? or the forest? then can we see them?”
“yes, we could. if we went somewhere else.”
“oh,” hyunjin takes a moment to consider this and then moves closer to jinyoung, curling into his side. almost immediately, jinyoung presses a hand to the top of his head and makes sure that his IV hasn’t slipped out. hyunjin is much warmer than he expected. “can i go there one day with nyoung?”
a pause.
“maybe,” jinyoung responds. “when you feel better, hyunjin. then we’ll go to the beach and i’ll show you all the stars.”
“what else is up with the stars?”
“up there, you mean?”
“yeah.”
“there’s the sun,” jinyoung draws out a little sun on the window with his finger, and they both watch as the shape appears and disappears. “and then the moon, which we can see right there in the sky. and then the planets. there’s many of them surrounding the sun, and our planet – earth – is one of them.”
hyunjin brightens. “so they all move around the sun?”
“yes,” jinyoung says. “it’s called being in orbit. when they can’t help but move around each other.”
“wow. even when they’re so big? they still move around each other? why can’t we feel it?”
jinyoung giggles, the sound extracted from the childish sweetness that hyunjin exhibits. “even when they’re that big, they still do that. we can’t feel it because we’re so, so tiny – “ punctured by little tickles to hyunjin’s stomach, which makes him laugh, “ – and the solar system is so, so much bigger than us. we’re like ants on the ground. a breeze to us is like a storm to them.”
“i don’t get it,” hyunjin says, frowning. he has a little wrinkle between his brows that jinyoung smooths out with a thumb.
“think of it like this,” he starts, “there are a lot of things out there bigger than us, that don’t need our help. the sun comes up, goes down, and then the moon comes up again. it’ll do that every day and night, right?” hyunjin nods. “and all we do is watch it happen. sometimes things just happen, and you and i are just little ants on the ground, watching it happen. and we can be happy or sad, but the sun will still come up, go down, and then the moon comes up again.”
hyunjin huffs. “well if nyoung is sad, then – then i’ll make the sun stay up or go back so the day can start over and nyoung can do it again!”
jinyoung laughs, giving into the love, the affection. he rubs his cheek against hyunjin’s. “well, thank you. i don’t think you can, but if anyone can do it,” he yawns, “you can, hyunjinnie.”
“i’ll write a letter,” hyunjin continues, the plans sprouting behind his eyes. “an’ i’ll send it to the sun every day, an’ i’ll tell him – “
“or her.”
“ – or her that we don’t make nyoung sad!”
“i’ll tell them every day to make hyunjin happy,” jinyoung says, the words bursting out of him like a dam, reaching forward so he can squeeze hyunjin in his arms. the boy obviously doesn’t mind, giggling. “i’ll ask them to brighten up the day so hyunjin can see, and to make it warm so hyunjin isn’t cold.”
“gotta listen to both of us!” hyunjin says solemnly, as if either he or jinyoung has that much power. slowly, clumsily, hyunjin reaches up and presses a kiss to the edge of jinyoung’s jaw, as if aiming for his cheek but was too small to reach it. he yawns in turn, a delayed response to jinyoung earlier. “i like the sun. moon makes us sleepy.”
“that’s because it’s night time, when little boys like you should be asleep.”
“doctor im is asleep too,” hyunjin mumbles. he’s been talking so much, recently, even with his slight delay. jinyoung loves that he’s beginning to feel more comfortable. somewhere, in the back of his mind, jyp’s words whisper find him a new family.
“doctor im is secretly a child, like you,” jinyoung whispers mischievously. hyunjin gives an aborted giggle. it really is way past time for him to fall asleep, even though it would be much too early for other people. gently, jinyoung coaxes, “come on now, hyunjin. what can i do to help you go to sleep?”
hyunjin doesn’t respond for a while, just simply breathes. he’s all curled up in jinyoung’s arms, the both of them sinking into the steadily warming comfort of the window. seoul blinks her pretty lights at them, yet it’s still dark enough for jinyoung to see endless shadows. he rests his chin on top of hyunjin’s head. he smells like baby shampoo.
“can you sing a lullaby?” hyunjin asks, a little timid. “the nice auntie at the old house sang songs for sleep.”
at his orphanage, jinyoung realizes. where he must have been for an indefinite amount of time. “of course,” jinyoung says. his brain scrambles to come up with a slow ballad, because he doesn’t know many children’s lullabies, but it seems to work. it takes two repetitions of the song, but hyunjin falls asleep under jinyoung’s soft voice and rhythmic rubbing of his back. it’s so soothing, the motion repetitive and quaint, that jinyoung barely notices when he falls asleep too.
/
jinyoung wakes up briefly, when he feels weightless. there are warm hands underneath his knees and his back. he smells someone familiar, like cologne but a hint of soap clean skin. jinyoung buries his nose against it.
“you haven’t changed at all, jinyoungie,” says the owner of the voice. jinyoung knows him, too. the answer – and the name – resides in the corner of his memory, but he’s too tired to dig it up. he just knows that this is someone he’s known his entire life, so familiar that the essence of him is forever imprinted in jinyoung’s person.
when jinyoung is jostled a little too roughly, something brushing against his ankle, he groans. everything stops for a moment. he tries to open his eyes, but his lids are so, so heavy.
“sorry,” the voice whispers. warm, dry lips press against his forehead. jinyoung thinks this feels more like a fever dream, like the dreams where you’re standing on the edge of a cliff and then falling. “go back to sleep, jinyoungie.”
/
“and then she fell into the well,” jackson sniffles, pulling apart his lobster tail with chopsticks instead of his hands. “and forgot everything about him. everything from her past life, she forgot, just like that!”
mark hums, somewhat into the conversation, somewhat not.
jinyoung, knowing exactly what jackson is talking about, feels a little insulted on behalf of the main heroine’s choices. “well, can you blame her? she had been tortured in the heavenly palace for being mortal and bearing his son, and then she loses her eyes?”
jaebum sighs and puts a piece of grilled scallop of jinyoung’s plate, although he doesn’t even bothering trying to get him to eat it.
“i’m not saying it was undeserved, but - ! but she was a goddess anyways, and they would have returned her divinity to her after the mortal trial, and she just left her son– “
jinyoung’s breath hitches. “the whole point of that arc was so she would fall in the well and then pass the mortal trial. that was the whole point!”
jackson, with surprisingly wet eyes, glares at him. jinyoung glares back.
“and then the prince just acts like that – “
“he just lost his wife!”
“and she lost her son!”
“i don’t know what side they’re arguing for anymore,” jaebum tells mark.
they’re at a seafood buffet to change up their sporadic dinners together. jinyoung feels warmth all along his side as jaebum shuffles in closer than necessary, but he’s the one sitting closest to the window and probably feels the worsening cold draft. mark is still in his scarf, after all. jackson had brought up his morose mood, which is largely due to finishing eternal love after a ten hour binge for the last few episodes. jinyoung, the avid drama fan, had jumped on the topic after remembering his own vices on the show (alongside the other nights he had spent just. crying. on his sofa).
jackson drops the glare after a moment, fundamentally unable to stand being jokingly upset at jinyoung, and then leans forward. “have you seen – “ he blathers off into the title of a chinese drama, the syllables spilling from his mouth easily.
“when in the world would i have a chance to see that? is it on kbs?” jinyoung demands, as if he knows what jackson is talking about. “write it down on a piece of paper and show me subs, you coward.”
“it has english subs,” jackson says challengingly.
“my english is better than yours,” jinyoung sniffs. “historical dramas? murder dramas? mystery dramas? 70 episode long dramas? bring it on.”
“okay,” jaebum starts, this time shoving a mouthful of crab kimbap into jinyoung’s mouth. “at least eat if you two are going to argue like two middle aged ladies.”
“dramas are for everyone,” jackson says, and jinyoung is suddenly on his side again, nodding.
“i watched yanxi palace,” jinyoung admits, leaning forward as if sharing a secret with jackson. “it was good. better than the historical dramas here, honestly.”
“i told you!”
jinyoung hisses. “but the other genre types? absolute garbage. korean dramas are still superior.”
“i think they put out another plate of lobster,” mark says, pushing jackson’s shoulder insistently in a blatant attempt to make him leave the table. when jackson takes it, mark cracks a smile. “jinyoung-ah, you need to stop baiting him.”
“we’re having a perfectly civil conversation.”
“i’m pretty sure i saw your hand holding that knife a little too tightly,” jaebum, the traitor, says.
“civil,” jinyoung starts, “doesn’t mean correct.”
“okay, change of conversation,” mark taps the table with the side of his hand as if he’s slicing it in half, effectively ending the conversation. “if you can make peacemaker jackson want to throw you off a roof – over a drama, no less – i’m calling it a forbidden topic of conversation.”
jinyoung grumbles, although he’s also starting to laugh at how ridiculous they are. “but who else am i going to talk about my dramas with?”
mark’s eyes flicker to jaebum. jinyoung turns to face him at the same time, and both of them stare, unimpressed, as jaebum stops in the middle of shoving a particularly large shrimp in his mouth. “can you at least chew,” jinyoung grits out, reaching over to close his jaw so that he’d actually bite. jaebum has an intensely large mouth, capable of fitting entire cookies and sometimes all of the kimbap his mom makes for him.
whatever the other is about to say is drowned out by the sound of mark snorting. he’s a little tipsy on beer, even though the rest of them decided not to drink due to early shifts. “listen to your better half, jaebum-ah,” he says, wagging a finger.
jinyoung doesn’t deem this with a response. he thinks that some of his food must be too spicy, because he feels his ears heat up. he’s heard this incessantly from countless people – teasing, lightly, about him and jaebum and how comfortable they are with each other, and he should be used to it by now. key word: should be.
“this reminds me,” jinyoung says as soon as jackson sits down, his face brightened by the prospect of more seafood, “i signed up for a cooking class this saturday. the first class had a buy one get one free, so jaebum-hyung, you’re coming with me.”
jaebum chokes. he may say something like, “me?” but jinyoung thinks all he hears is crumbs. with a grimace, he shoves a tissue at jaebum.
“wow,” jackson stares at them. “what did i miss? did i break jinyoung’s brain?”
“i think,” mark starts contemplatively despite aiming his chopsticks incorrectly and picking up nothing but spare pieces of lettuce, “that jinyoung-ah is making a difference in his life.” with that wise set of words, he nods his head – pleased – and focuses on his food again.
jaebum pats his chest to stop coughing. “sorry, run that by me again? why – why am i going to a cooking class?”
without missing a beat, jackson goes, “cause your better half said so, duh.”
jinyoung ignores both of them. he hates all his friends.
“hyung,” jinyoung starts plaintively, “you suck ass at cooking.”
jaebum looks betrayed. “i taught you how to make kimchi jjigae!”
“and that’s all you know how to make. it’s sadder that you know two dishes and how to make rice; at least i’m a clean slate, but you’re just lazy.”
jaebum splutters, but what’s done is done. jinyoung pats him on the shoulder. “be at my place by 10am and bring your car, please. i don’t want to pay for the bus.”
/
jinyoung reads a book while he’s waiting for jaebum at his apartment. he’s a bit too nervous, and it shows in the way he’s combed his hair (sweetly, to the side, with a touch of orange scented pomade), the clothes he’s wearing (maybe a little stiff? he wore comfortable wide legged slacks before cursing at himself and changing into a pair of jeans to match a v-neck white and red striped shirt), and the way his knee is vibrating. he can barely focus on the words of his book.
the thought of him going out and trying something new is a little out there. it’s not like jinyoung doesn’t try new things once in a while – whenever bambam brings over thai snacks, he’s always the first one to try them out. when someone gives him something new to do, he’s always ready to give it a chance. but to seek out something new of his own volition? well, that’s a skill he’s admittedly a bit rusty in.
but it’s not like he’s going out clubbing, or whatever. he hasn’t done that in ages, and he thinks that the initial interest in it that he had in his early twenties has long faded and sizzled into an appreciation for quieter, simpler hobbies that make him happy none-the-less. (sometimes, he still thinks about dancing, about moving his body sinuous and slow, about stretching his limbs until they’re ready to tear.)
jinyoung stares down at the front cover of his book, tracing a finger on the title, remembering hyunjin and the way he had done the same thing with le petit prince. jinyoung lives alone, in relative comfortability, because he was able to finish his dual degree in literature and health sciences without student debt. his scholarship had coasted him through it all. for that, he’s grateful, thinking of all the days he had paid for jaebum’s meal, all the nights he had lent the other half of his bed in his tiny studio room to jaebum so he could escape his dorm curfew and work on his assignments.
then, he thinks about the cooking class. a little annoyed, jinyoung sends out a text to jaebum at a quarter to 10. where are you???
you said at 10am ): i have time
just get your ass here please i hate being late, jinyoung texts back. he throws his book aside, watching it bounce off the couch to fall to the floor. he steps over it and does another check, patting his pockets for his wallet, keys, and phone.
he’s more nervous to see jaebum, to face the inevitable onslaught of questions that he knows jaebum will have.
he grabs his long gray overcoat and a pale beige scarf. after a moment of thought, he grabs another dark gray scarf as well, balling it up in his hands.
jaebum is blinking awake sleepily, just as jinyoung knew he would be. he has a cup of coffee in his hands. his ring makes soft tap tap noises as he drums his fingers against the side of it. other than his own long coat and an admittedly soft looking sweater, jaebum’s got nothing else to keep him warm except for his car. jinyoung picks up the second coffee cup resting in the cup holder between them.
“earl gray milk tea,” jaebum says, sighing and taking another sip of his coffee. he sets the cup down where jinyoung’s had been, shifting the car into drive. “can you put the place into the gps?”
“wait,” jinyoung swats his hands and puts them in park, reaching over to wrap the gray scarf around jaebum’s neck. “why do you always forget? i can’t spend any more money buying these, im jaebum.”
“scarves are for losers,” jaebum mumbles, barely reacting when jinyoung smacks the back of his head. “seriously, gps, please.”
jinyoung does as he asks, also plugging in his aux cord and putting up a soft pop rock song for them to listen to. he settles back in his seat, butt warm, glad that the constant thrum of anxiety is starting to slowly lessen the more jaebum is quiet. he shouldn’t have been too worried now – jaebum is quiet in the mornings when he doesn’t need his brain to be on all the time.
instead, jinyoung takes this moment to relax and sip at his tea, which is on the right side of just hot and milky. he almost wishes he had some boba to add with it. he wonders if you can make boba.
“can you make boba?”
“i’m sure you can,” jaebum answers, “but i also think i’d rather just buy it.”
jinyoung thinks on this. “you can also buy the ones that you soak, right? i imagine that’s a lot easier, and tea is just tea. maybe i’ll invest.”
“ask the teacher when we get to this class,” jaebum suggests, turning to look at him with a devastatingly handsome raised eyebrow. jinyoung stares at it, marveling quietly at how sharp jaebum’s side profile is. “jinyoungie?”
“i need to learn how to make real food, not boba tea,” jinyoung says abruptly to cover up his staring. he’s so used to it at this point that it doesn’t even embarrass him anymore. he knows that sometimes he gets – swept up, one could say, by jaebum. “like stew. or korean pancakes. noodles. soup.”
jaebum hums. after a moment, he asks as easy as you please, “so what’s with the sudden interest in cooking?”
it’s a lot smoother than jinyoung had been expecting, he’ll give jaebum that. he knew that the question had been coming, he was just unsure of where and when it would be. if it would take him aback or not. but this is jaebum, jinyoung tells himself, and he shouldn’t have worried at all, because jaebum would never make him uncomfortable on purpose.
“i just think it’s about time i learned,” jinyoung says, shifting. “can’t survive on take out and eomoni’s food forever, right? it would be nice to learn in case i wanted to cook for someone else, too.”
he might be imagining it, but jaebum’s fingers tighten over the wheel as he makes a turn. “for someone else?”
“yeah,” jinyoung’s voice is suddenly small. he can’t help himself; the sudden change makes jaebum turn to look at him in surprise. “like, um. like hyunjin.”
they hit a red light. jaebum is staring at him in surprise, mouth slightly open. “hyun – hyunjin?”
jinyoung’s face is burning now, he’s sure of it. he’s in his late twenties and here he is, trying to learn how to cook just because – just because – “this is your fault anyways,” jinyoung hisses, “if you didn’t tell hyunjin that i would make him soup if he ate properly, we wouldn’t be here!”
something in jaebum’s countenance eases, like a tension had been building in his shoulders that suddenly loosen considerably. he laughs, the husky, full laughter that always chills jinyoung down to his bones. “for – you’re learning how to cook for hyunjin? aw, jinyoungie, don’t look like that, that’s adorable.” the smile remains on his face even as he slides into the parking lot of the studio they’re supposed to be in. “i’m sure he’ll appreciate it.”
“it wasn’t just for him,” jinyoung says, but it sounds weak at this point. he had been mulling on the idea on and off, but hyunjin had been the final push he needed to sign up. “shut up.”
“and i’m glad you chose me to be your moral support.”
“i didn’t,” even though jinyoung completely had, “shut up.”
their teacher for the day, a good looking man with numerous ear piercings named taeyong, greets them cheerfully as jinyoung grasps jaebum’s sleeve with a death grip and manhandles him through the door. jaebum is still grumbling and finishing up his coffee, unable to drink while driving, and jinyoung has long finished his own cup.
taeyong makes them all introduce themselves to their partners, a step that jinyoung primly avoids no matter how much jaebum turns to him and seriously starts to introduce himself (“my name is im jaebum, i’m twenty-nine, i’m currently a pediatric surgeon – “ “hyung, i’m going to shove you down a flight of stairs.”)
“great! we’re all going to start out slowly, and finish a couple of meals today. i want you guys to get right into it, since most of you are already aware of the basics and this is a sort of intermediate level course.” jinyoung didn’t need help discerning which knife was what, thanks. he just needed recipes. basic knowledge on how to put food together in a way that didn’t make him want to throw up. “as a surprise, we’re also going to be making kimchi, as that’s a pretty big staple. i have the ingredients here and a list of ingredients for my favorite kimchi recipe, which i’ll show you, but feel free to play around with the taste. now, take your onion…”
jinyoung likes this class. taeyong is straight to the point and no nonsense, but clear enough that jinyoung can use his abilities of following directions easily. jinyoung isn’t good at putting together recipes out of nowhere. he needs guidelines. measurements.
jaebum pushes up his sleeves, the silver charm bracelet jinyoung had gotten him for his eighteenth birthday jangling against his wrist bone. “okay,” jaebum says, looking down balefully at their ingredients. “what do i do?”
even though jinyoung’s dragged him here, he tries his best, which is something jinyoung loves about him. he indulges in jinyoung’s whims even though it’s obvious he’s flailing. jaebum isn’t good at following directions as well as jinyoung is, so used to making things up on the fly. he’s like jinyoung’s perfect opposite.
“see, now it tastes good,” jaebum sighs, dipping his finger in the marinade that will be used for the kimchi. “nice and spicy.”
“i hope you don’t mind a little bit of staining,” jinyoung says, slapping his plastic gloves on the counter. “cause that’s not going to come out for days.”
“ah, shit.”
“it looks like you guys are doing well,” the voice of their instructor distracts them from their own little world. jinyoung dutifully shows him their mix. they’ve got the napa cabbage ready to stuff, and a huge plastic container to take the kimchi home in. his money really didn’t go to waste. “once you’re done, we can move onto making mapo tofu and some bases commonly used in most stews.”
“sounds good,” jaebum says, washing his hands and wincing as he starts to feel the chili oil burn. the idiot’s love for spicy food is backfiring on him. jinyoung ignores him and turns to taeyong, asking, “in any of the future classes…will we be learning how to make soup? like gamja ongsimi or galbitang?”
taeyong smiles warmly at him, which completely rids him of his previously distant and slightly cold façade. must be a resting face, jinyoung thinks as he blinks. “yes, of course. one the of the soup bases i’ll be showing you guys today is good for almost all fish soups, and one of the future lessons involves how to make galbitang.”
“which lesson in the future?”
“the fourth,” taeyong pauses, looking between jinyoung and jaebum, who is sneaking pieces of cabbage in his mouth. “but i can try to push it up a little further for an interested student. making food is always better when it’s someone important you’re making it for.”
“yeah,” jinyoung smiles a small, private smile, thinking about how happy hyunjin would be to have something hearty and homemade. that’s the whole reason he’s doing this, anyway.
taeyong laughs quietly. “you and your husband are cute,” he smiles one more time, meeting jinyoung’s wide, blinking eyes. “if you need any help, let me know. i think you guys have got this well-handled.”
by the time jinyoung’s brain is online enough for him to stutter out, “oh, we’re not – we’re not married – “ taeyong is long gone, and jaebum has already started working on the kimchi.
jinyoung wants to yell, why didn’t you say anything and left me there to flail?! but that would be calling attention to it if jaebum hadn’t heard. instead, jaebum looks up at jinyoung and says, “it still doesn’t taste right, the kimchi.”
he resists the urge to laugh and cry simultaneously. “it’s not the one your mom makes, hyung. of course it’s not going to taste right.”
jaebum takes this into account, but he still looks unhappy about it. most of their day is spent like that, bickering low under their breath but working like a well oiled machine. they can understand each other without words at work, but the ability translates over to every other part of their lives, too. jinyoung doesn’t remember a time where he hasn’t found himself on jaebum’s wavelength.
when it’s almost evening, that sweet spot of twilight, jaebum carries two of their huge bags (complimentary from the class itself, too) to the car, jinyoung following behind him with the kimchi container and a pot of stew that he’s excited to try out (it had turned out to be the most delicious thing they had made).
“you’re never going to be able to get here and back with the bus,” jaebum sighs as they settled in the front seats of his car. he peers at jinyoung. “let me know when your next class starts and ends, i’ll pick you up.”
“you just want to eat whatever’s left over,” jinyoung says.
“yeah, but i’m offering my baby,” he pats his steering wheel, “and the added bonus of my presence. c’mon, jinyoungie.”
despite himself, jinyoung softens. “alright, i’ll text you.” he fiddles with his phone as he sends off the schedule for the next few classes as well as the address, and after a moment, opens up a chat with jaebum’s mom before he can think too deeply about it. eomoni, he starts, this may be really sudden, but…what’s your kimchi recipe?
then he shuts his phone and abruptly places it face down on his lap. jaebum doesn’t even blink, bopping his head along to a bubblegum pop song on the radio and singing quite loudly. jinyoung is glad that the ping of his phone answering – because jaebum’s mom loves him, and will answer him before her own actual flesh and blood son – is covered by the sounds of cheer up baby, cheer up baby!
she’s texted him an entire list, down to the amounts and how long she leaves it to ferment. jinyoung goes through it all with growing awe and respect for such a formidable woman. he gets to her most recent message, however, where she says very sweetly, if you need help making it for my son, feel free to call me! i’m sure he’ll love it anyway, jinyoung-ah. complete with a heart.
jinyoung’s ears flush red.
“you okay, jinyoung?”
“fine,” he grunts, shoving his phone in his back pocket. “let’s just go home, the food is going to get cold and then all of that would have been for nothing. can’t you drive faster? also pay attention to the traffic light!” he adds on breathlessly as jaebum makes a slightly risky curve. jaebum just laughs.
/
“ooh, hyung, is that for us?” bambam says as jinyoung sets down a white plastic bag with a tin of soup. it’s warmed his hands considerably. jinyoung looks around, pleased with the autumn decorations they had put up in time for the end of november, having taken their sweet time getting rid of the halloween decorations that the kids loved oh so much. bambam comes poking around with curious fingers, his hair a pretty shade of peroxide blond now.
jinyoung slaps his fingers away. “is it not enough that you steal my candy, you have to steal my food now too?”
“who made that for you, hyung?” yugyeom asks in a sing-songy tune.
“i’ll have you know i made it myself,” he says coolly, taking a sip of his latte and sighing as it wakes him up immediately. it’s nice and warm, too, melting down his fingers as he’d forgotten his gloves that morning on the way to the subway.
“and it’s not poisoned?” bambam asks reproachfully. he pokes at the metal tins now as if it’ll blow up on him. “sounds like a lie, but alright.”
“i can cook,” jinyoung grumbles, pushing bambam back with a pointed finger to the head so he’ll sit on his seat. “have you logged in yet? how many of your patients have you seen?”
“all the babies are accounted for and have gotten food,” bambam straightens and says in his best militant tone. yugyeom giggles behind him, the little shit. “although there was no applesauce this morning and we had a bit of a mutiny. but gyeommie solved it real quick, so we should be okay. i ordered more, hope you don’t mind.”
“good job,” jinyoung hums. he eyes yugyeom, who is coming closer and closer with every passing second. “okay, what do you want?”
“can i try some?” yugyeom says, hunching a little so he’s eye level with jinyoung. with a level of cuteness that jinyoung didn’t know was possible for him, yugyeom pouts, “can i try some hyung pleaseeeeeeee?”
jinyoung can’t help but laugh incredulously, smacking him on the head but also coughing because how fucking adorable. yugyeom used to do that all the time when he had just started out under jinyoung. in fact, bambam used to be cuter a couple years back, too. they don’t do this crap anymore. “wow, what is this aegyo, huh?”
“gyeom, that’s not fair!” bambam hisses. “you can’t just act cute to get what you want!”
under his breath, yugyeom mutters, “get on my level, bitch.”
before jinyoung can hypocritically tell him off for cursing at the workplace, yugyeom continues, “yes i can! besides, it’s not like we don’t all do it. you do it to jackson-hyung, and jinyoungie does it to jaebum-hyung!”
“jinyoung-hyung,” he corrects automatically. “if you wanted to try some of my soup, you’re really not doing yourself any favors.”
yugyeom scoffs. “very interesting how you didn’t deny the thing with jaebum-hyung, though. very suspicious – “
“morning, my favorite colleagues,” jackson lays his body over the edge of the counter that separates the morning nurses and their computers from prying patient eyes. he’s in a pair of oddly colored scrubs (what kind of department uses neon yellow?) with patterned ducks all over them. his hair is a mess, he looks like he hasn’t shaved in three days, and there’s a smudge of pizza sauce on his chin. at least jinyoung hopes that’s pizza sauce. he’s got a look in his eye that speaks of a long, long shift that he’s just barely survived.
“i need to sign off soon and get some goddamn sleep,” jackson sighs. “i had to go and do something for namjoon, so – “
“no one asked,” bambam interrupts, and makes a face when jackson glares at him. it’s cute enough that jackson lets it go completely. jinyoung is faced with yugyeom’s smug, knowing look, which says something along the lines of yeah you’re that easy with jaebum, too. he can hear it in the informal language and everything.
“ – so i am starving and possibly the most sleep deprived i’ve been since like, my fourth year of medical school,” jackson finishes blithely. “i just dropped by to say hi. and that we need more saline.”
“i ordered saline last week,” jinyoung says. “they should be in the backup storage.”
“just checked, they weren’t there. jaebum told me to tell you about it, although it’s probably the shitty delivery service again.”
“they keep getting the blood bags wrong, too,” yugyeom pipes up, frowning. “i’ve had to go to the department over to get shipments meant for us. it’s really not good, hyung. also, how could you mess something like that up?”
jinyoung is well aware of the abysmal system of delivery that goes in in the hospital. he groans, thinking about all the shit he’ll have to go through and the people he’ll have to use his best disappointed parent voice in order to get that all settled out. even if he does, it tends to reset back to the original shitty service, leaving the rest of them chasing after their proper orders.
“i’ll take care of it,” he waves away yugyeom’s wandering hands grouchily. “stop it, you child, it’s not for you.”
“who is it for, then?” yugyeom whines.
“morning,” doctor im jaebum himself drops by, looking as fresh as a raindrop. a very rare look for him, admittedly. jinyoung knows this is because he’s moved his shifts to jackson long enough to get some decent sleep and spend time with his cats. (jinyoung’s gotten at least fourteen photos of nora in the last few hours alone.) jaebum takes one of the lollipops as usual, unwrapping it and sticking it straight in his mouth.
“why are all my coworkers children,” jinyoung wonders out loud, looking down at his now empty latte cup sadly. if only he had gotten a bigger size to deal with this bullshit. “really, why? should i just switch to taeyeon’s department? to seokjin’s department, with all his hellions?”
“i think i’m a pretty well-adjusted kid,” jaebum says. jinyoung cocks an eyebrow, sighing as jackson also steals a lollipop. he fist bumps to himself and jinyoung doesn’t stop him this time. honestly, jackson looks like he needs the sugar boost.
when jaebum’s eyes catch onto the metal tins that jinyoung’s got resting on the counter, away from yugyeom’s insistent hands but way too close to bambam now for jinyoung’s comfort, he brightens. “oh, is that the galbitang you made on saturday? the top one is mine, right?”
jaebum hadn’t been able to pick jinyoung up from his most recent cooking class, which had left jinyoung taking a taxi home with all of his new foodstuffs. he still has the batch of kimchi he made on the first day, but he hasn’t been spending as much money on take out since he’s started to clumsily implement cooking into his life (and the subsequent burns, messes, spills, and disgusting sugar-salt switches that has followed). he’s been able to buy himself a bunch of new books as a good job getting this far park jinyoung gift.
“there’s also rice in the top one,” jinyoung says as confirmation. “it’s leftovers…” since you hadn’t picked me up, is what he doesn’t say, but jaebum ignores it and grins. he looks like a child that’s been given a present, although jinyoung can’t wrap his head around jaebum’s happiness at receiving food he made that’s honestly not even all that good. he’s tasted some of taeyong’s dishes, and jinyoung is pretty sure his own doesn’t taste anything like that. it only makes him more determined to wrangle this skill into his belt of adulthood.
“nah, i’m sick of the cafeteria food,” jaebum unlocks the metal contraption keeping everything together and takes his share. “thank you for the food,” he salutes loosely. “oh, do you know about the saline – “
“i’ll take care of it.”
jaebum makes a noise of utter awe, which jinyoung accepts as his rightfully glowing praise. jaebum and jackson's pager goes off at the same time; jaebum answers it immediately, but when jinyoung turns to jackson, he sees the other staring at them with his eyebrows at his hairline.
“what?” jinyoung asks, immediately defensive.
“nothing,” jackson says immediately, too fast for it to be natural. he looks at yugyeom and bambam quickly, who are also staring at jinyoung with wide eyes. “gotta go grab this, uh, bye!”
“when did this happen?” bambam starts, jumping up in his seat so that he’s closer to jinyoung as soon as the doctors leave, like they’re sharing secrets. “oh my god, finally. it’s finally happening– “
“jj cross,” yugyeom whispers, starstruck, meeting bambam’s eyes. “bam, my parents are finally getting together!”
jinyoung smacks the both of them. “get back to work,” he grits out.
bambam grins. “aw, hyung. your entire face is red.”
“cute,” yugyeom coos, pinching his cheeks. jinyoung gives them looks of intense, intense murder, which sends the both of them scrambling.
/
hyunjin has caught a bad case of pneumonia the last jinyoung had checked on him. the sickness had taken him hard and fast, leaving the poor boy to be coughing up half a lung in the span of a couple of hours. for other people, it would have taken them a couple of days at the very least. hyunjin has been getting consistent blood transfusions to help him get along, shots of numerous kinds to help him clot, and a couple of other medications to try and contain his disorder.
but seeing him down with something of an intense cold hits jinyoung in all the places that ache.
regardless, he smiles as he enters hyunjin’s room. he waves away the nurse that’s assigned to him for today, brightening when hyunjin looks up from where he’s building an impressive tower out of legos to give jinyoung a large hug that he reciprocates immediately.
“have you been drinking your tea well?” is the first thing jinyoung asks, referring to the medicinal tea he had brought made specially for little kids to help them with their sicknesses. hyunjin nods, even though he’s hesitant at first. jinyoung can’t help but laugh at him. “it’s bitter, isn’t it?”
“i add honey,” hyunjin says shyly, tugging at the edge of jinyoung’s scrubs to get him to sit down. jinyoung follows dutifully, already happy with how hyunjin’s voice is better from the crackling, weak thing it had been just recently. “nyoung want to build?”
“i’ll help you in a minute, hyunjinnie. but are you hungry?”
hyunjin is sharper than he lets on, jinyoung knows. his appetite is always a little low for a kid his age, but before he can give his typical negative answer, he spots the big bag that jinyoung is hiding poorly behind his back. the child’s eyes brighten. “very hungry!”
“i made soup because hyunjin was such a good boy,” jinyoung waves his admittedly mediocre pot of soup in front of hyunjin excitedly, his mood rubbing off on jinyoung easily. “just like i said i would!”
“soup!” hyunjin jumps up and down, as if it’s the best thing in the world. “for jinnie!”
jinyoung waves him down, laughing, and starts to settle out the washed bowls, chopsticks, and spoons. he’s also brought a thermos of barley tea to help with hyunjin’s throat, something that can be kept in the room since he had made it himself. he’s here for hyunjin until the end of the day. despite his shift usually ending around 6, jinyoung finds himself working overtime much, much more often nowadays. he has a large rappore with the night shift nurses now.
“wash your hands,” jinyoung instructs. “and if you want to eat, make sure you set your place at the table.” hyunjin nods and rushes to do just that. his room at the hospital, while more sterile and controlled than the other rooms, is also large enough to count as a small studio room. there’s a bathroom alongside a small play area for hyunjin. a table and chair pushed to one side. it doesn’t change the rest of the room; the chemical sink, the cabinets full of medication, the beeping of the heart monitor.
jinyoung sets his own place at the table, but then hyunjin sets a place for two. jinyoung makes a questioning noise.
“for doctor im,” hyunjin says, blinking widely at him. “he gonna eat too, right?”
“oh,” so taken aback, jinyoung is unsure of how to answer for a moment or two. “yes, it is dinner time, but – hyunjinnie, i don’t know if doctor im is busy now or not. he’s got a lot of other little boys and girls to look after, you know…”
and just as jinyoung is finishing up his words, who else but jaebum walks through the door to hyunjin’s room?
“i’m here for dinner,” jaebum says solemnly.
“you – “ jinyoung is speechless. “i didn’t – i made only enough for hyunjin – “
“aw,” hyunjin starts, bottom lip out in a pout, looking at jinyoung with doleful eyes. he scurries up to jinyoung easily, pressing against his side as if sorry, as if this whole thing had been his fault. “doctor im can have some of mine…?”
“no need,” jaebum shakes an identical container up; the one jinyoung had given him this morning. “i made sure to save my appetite.”
“ah,” jinyoung, motionless, doesn't answer much more than that. he’s still speechless.
insistently, jaebum sets himself down cross legged on the floor of hyunjin’s play mat, groaning like an old man. “i also bought some drinks for us all, since hyunjin is starting to get a lot better.”
“i made tea,” jinyoung says defensively, holding up his thermos. “he should have some tea.”
“tea, then the drinks i brought,” jaebum says decisively. hyunjin cheers at the amount of spoiling he’s getting, and the sweet, bright happiness on his face after so many days of misery is what defeats jinyoung in the end.
“we can’t sit on the floor! everything is set for the table – “
“aw, come on. the chairs here are always cold, and we can eat comfortably on the floor. hyunjin can squirm around, can’t he?” jaebum pokes his fingers against hyunjin’s side, who stifles laughs. “it’ll be easier to deal with the soup too. come on, jinyoungie,” he pats the area next to him on the mat, giving jinyoung a raised eyebrow.
hyunjin is staring at him expectantly too, so jinyoung can’t say no. he shoots jaebum a dirty look when hyunjin starts moving their utensils over, though. he settles down next to jaebum quickly, since hyunjin looks so comfortable with all his pillows and toys on the other side. all from jyp, no doubt.
“we can’t always do this,” jinyoung whispers to him, pinching jaebum’s thigh to show how displeased he is.
jaebum tucks hair behind his ear and scratches him there like he’s one of jaebum’s pet cats. jinyoung wants to pinch him again. “next time, we’ll be at the table,” he promises lowly.
before jinyoung can even think of the idea of next time, next time, next time, hyunjin is holding out his bowl excitedly. they share the rice that jinyoung has brought (painstakingly made in the morning, since his rice cooker is a piece of shit) and jinyoung makes sure to give hyunjin the best pieces of meat. jaebum already has his small container which he eats from instead, since jinyoung didn’t account for one more person in their shared meal.
“how is it, hyunjin?” he asks, a little anxious.
hyunjin slurps up more soup from his bowl and holds up two thumbs up, his chopsticks dangling awkwardly. “weally good!”
“really,” jinyoung half-corrects, half asks. hyunjin has been getting better with his korean pronunciation in the months that he’s been here, but he still slips when he’s excited.
“really good,” jaebum adds, nudging shoulders with jinyoung.
for a moment, he allows himself a small, genuine smile at seeing the smile on hyunjin’s face. he still remembers the moment he was with jyp outside, waiting for jaebum, and the thought that had been swirling in his mind since then pushes its way to the front of his thoughts. while a mere idea before, the more that he’s here with hyunjin…the more he’s sure of what he wants to do.
it makes him buzz with energy. jinyoung feeds hyunjin, being a tad bit sweeter than him than usual. he’s not supposed to have favorites, he’s supposed to treat all the kids the same, pinch all their cheeks and comfort all of their worries. but jinyoung knows that he has a favorite.
hyunjin has two whole bowls of soup and a bowl and a half of rice, the most he’s ever eaten. jinyoung feels stupidly touched, shifting to the other side to hold hyunjin in his arms and press their cheeks together in an affectionate gesture that he thought he had long trained himself out of. when he first started, he used to be very affectionate with all the kids like this until his supervisor had warned him about getting too close to the kids.
it could be taken the wrong way, jinyoung-ah, he had said. and it’s dangerous. for you and for them, for their parents and everyone’s wellbeing.
well, hyunjin doesn’t have parents. he’s all alone. he’s like jinyoung.
so he’ll squish their cheeks together all he wants, give hyunjin the affection and love that jinyoung desperately wished he had as a child and still doles out to his juniors from time to time.
“i’m sleepy,” hyunjin says, burping slightly and patting his tummy.
“want some tea before bed?” jinyoung pushes, gently running fingers through his hair.
“yeah,” hyunjin sighs, before physically perking out. “and drink!”
jaebum is also patting his stomach, following hyunjin’s example. he grins when hyunjin brings it up, reaching into his pockets to pull out a little box of chocolate banana milk.
“hyung,” jinyoung starts, displeased, but hyunjin gasps and reaches for it almost immediately.
“only once in a while,” jaebum ‘tsks’, placing the milk in hyunjin’s hands before grasping the other’s hands in his own. jinyoung stares at how close jaebum is to the both of them, since hyunjin is still in jinyoung’s arms. there’s a silver ring on jaebum’s thumb. jinyoung had given it to him as a graduation gift. “you have to make sure to take your medicine well and drink all the tea that nurse jinyoung makes for you, okay?”
“always!” hyunjin says, jumping a little in jinyoung’s lap, making the top of his head brush against jinyoung’s chin. he gives a little oof but doesn’t pay much attention to it.
hyunjin watches a show while he’s drinking his milk, sated and happy in the midst of lying down on a particularly large pikachu toy on his play mat. jinyoung cleans up his bowls and utensils while jaebum heads over to check hyunjin’s medical chart, flipping through it with a face clean of all expression. despite seeing it often and knowing that it was the face jaebum put on for parents so they won’t read anything from his expression be it good or bad, jinyoung still feels a shiver of apprehension go down his spine.
finally, when he’s done cleaning up, jinyoung washes his hands well and starts prepping hyunjin’s medicine. the pills are always difficult to go down for him, so jinyoung tries to make it as easy as possible for him.
jaebum finishes while jinyoung is coaxing hyunjin to take his medicine in between sips of his milk, which actually makes the process a lot smoother. his eyelids are heavy and jinyoung is worried he might choke, but he finishes all his pills quite easily.
“hyung,” jinyoung catches jaebum’s attention easily, “do you think you could pick him up and put him to bed?”
“yeah, give me a second.” jaebum sets aside his things and even takes off his stethoscope so he can pick hyunjin up, who mumbles half asleep.
jinyoung winces as he places the IV line back into hyunjin’s tiny hand. now that his mind is made up, it hurts to see the needle go in, despite doing it himself so many times before. jaebum finishes up by keeping the heart monitor on his finger, stretching and grabbing hyunjin’s folder.
in a moment of weakness, jinyoung reaches forward and brushes hyunjin’s bangs to the side. he’s not sweating in his sleep anymore, and when he breathes, the awful crackling sound is gone.
“good night, hyunjinnie,” he says in a low voice. what he doesn’t expect is for hyunjin to sigh and mumble back, “g’night, daddy.”
jinyoung rears back as if hit, but his hand still rests an inch over hyunjin’s forehead. the world gets a little blurry. jinyoung must be shaking, because everything feels slightly shifted to the right.
and then jaebum’s hand is grasping his wrist, pressing down on his pulse, grounding him. grounding each other. jinyoung blinks and looks over at him, feeling – raw. vulnerable. he had to have heard that too, there’s no way he didn’t.
jaebum pulls jinyoung closer to his own body, away from hyunjin, who is sleeping soundly. he doesn’t look upset or worried, only soft as he reaches forward and wipes at jinyoung’s cheek. there’s no tears – jinyoung isn’t crying – but the movement is so familiar of comfort to jinyoung, something that jaebum has done for him countless times, that he feels himself breathe easier at the small motion regardless.
“let’s go outside,” jaebum says. “come on, jinyoung.”
the moment they have all of their things together, the moment they step outside of hyunjin’s room and the door closes behind jinyoung, he blurts out – “i’m adopting him.”
jaebum must know. he must have seen it in jinyoung’s eyes, experience the slow and torturous movement of jinyoung slipping down that slope, the way his heart has never been able to handle children in pain. how he touches hyunjin so carefully, dutifully, with all of his fingers and his attention. jinyoung reaches forward to grasp the front of jaebum’s scrubs, pleading with him. jaebum has to know how much he loves that kid, how much he wants to give hyunjin that family.
he must know, because jaebum looks heartbroken (jinyoung can read it on his face, the impassive thinning of his mouth, his eyes darkening, he knows jaebum’s grief intimately i know you im jaebum - ) when he says, “i’m sorry, jinyoung-ah. it would be hard for them to give him to you.”
jinyoung does know. while he makes just enough for hyunjin to stay with him, he lives in a small apartment, and he works long hours. he can’t devote the time and energy that’s probably required to look after hyunjin, sick or not sick. probably, probably. but jinyoung would try. god, jinyoung would try.
“he’s getting better,” jaebum admits, and jinyoung holds back a dry sob. he knows this too: that hyunjin is getting over his opportunistic infections really well, like a normal child with a healthy immune system. his blood tests are coming back better than ever. it’s like his body had bloomed under jinyoung’s attentive care. “a lot better. i don’t think director park wants to take him back to that orphanage, and he’s going to look for a good family to adopt hyunjin because of his parents. jinyoung – jinyoungie – “
jinyoung presses his forehead against jaebum’s shoulder. he’s breathing in and out heavily. g’night, daddy.
“they want to give him to a married couple, a real family,” jinyoung’s voice cracks at the end. “a nice young couple who can’t have kids.”
“jinyoung – “
“who can take him to the amusement park and help him with school. maybe one of his parents knows how to cook and doesn’t need fucking lessons,” he breathes out, and this time the sob is real. jaebum raises his hands almost immediately, wrapping them around jinyoung’s shoulders. he throws himself into it immediately, gripping the back of jaebum’s broad shoulders in the only comforting embrace he’s really known. jinyoung feels small in his arms. “and they’ll help him grow up well.”
“he’ll be happy,” jaebum says in his ear. “jinyoungie, jinyoungie, please stop crying. please.”
but jinyoung won’t. he’d done to himself what he hoped would never happen. they all know it. jaebum did, jinyoung did, hell – even mark had known. he didn’t have it under control. he had nothing under control.
it’s a strange feeling. he’s so used to having everything under a tight wrap. he’s got this, he tells himself continuously. he’s got this, he knows what he’s doing, he’s got this. he’s head nurse, he’s yugyeom and bambam’s rock, he’s jackson’s drama buddy, he’s mark’s wine friend. he’s jaebum’s best friend.
he wishes he was hyunjin’s dad.
jaebum has slowly begun to rock them back and forth, insistently rubbing jinyoung’s back. jaebum is not an easily affectionate person, not like jinyoung. jackson has complained about it before, being just as affectionate as jinyoung; jaebum doesn’t reach out as easily to the others, but jinyoung has been with him for so long that jaebum touches him without a second thought.
jinyoung’s nose feels stuffy. he’s cramped, held between jaebum’s arms and hunched to rest his head in the crook of jaebum’s shoulder and neck, but he feels comforted. no one can see him and his feelings when jaebum is shielding him from it all.
“i could do it,” jinyoung starts, voice starting as a hoarse whisper. “i could… i could get married, i could learn how to be a parent. i just – “
jaebum stiffens under him. “jinyoungie.”
“i just. he feels like my baby,” he admits. “he feels like my family. like you, jaebum-hyung, can’t you see that?”
and when he turns to meet jaebum’s eyes to plead, as if jaebum can fix it somehow – because jaebum is his hyung, he’s always been able to fix jinyoung’s most desperate problems, hasn’t he? – he comes face to face with a similar expression of utter devastation.
abruptly, jinyoung wonders when hyunjin had wormed his way into both their hearts.
“i know, jinyoung,” jaebum says. “i know.”