Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[Video starts, a clip from the Very Late Show Starring Vicki Vale with Bruce Wayne as featured guest.]

Vicki: So, Bruce, we’ve talked about your charity work, and how much good you’ve been doing for Gotham…

Bruce (looking bashful): It’s only continuing the vision my parents had for the city. They always taught me that I’m extraordinarily privileged to have been born into these circumstances, and that only gives us not just the means, but the responsibility, to do more for people who can afford less.

Vicki: Amazing. Isn’t he amazing, ladies? Gentlemen? But back to my point, there’s another man who’s been reforming Gotham with his vision in the past several years…

Bruce: I agree, Commissioner Gordon has been doing a spectacular job.

Vicki: Now, Bruce… You know I was talking about Batman.

Bruce (frowning): Batman?

Vicki (leaning forward): Yes! So tell us… Are you?

Bruce (blinking confusedly): Am I what?

Vicki: Are you Batman?

Bruce (starting to smile): Me? Batman? Why would you even think I was?

Vicki: Well, there’s the fact that he’s utterly dedicated to Gotham, like you. Plus with all those gadgets he’s known to have, it’s clear he’d have to be someone very wealthy, like you. And you and he have never been seen together—it seems whenever Batman appears, Bruce Wayne is unaccounted for.

Bruce (frowning): Well, to answer your arguments in order: I’m glad Batman is dedicated to Gotham, but I do wish he didn’t have to be quite so violent in his, ah, dedication. As for funding, I suppose it would take a lot of money to outfit a vigilante like that, so I see why you would think that. But our auditors would tell you, the funds Wayne Enterprises possesses either go back into the company and its employees or to projects organized and/or vetted by the Wayne Foundation.

Vicki: And as for your mysterious disappearances whenever the Dark Knight shows up?

Bruce (frowning): When did I do that?

Vicki: How about one of the very first appearances of the Bat? You had a fund-raiser for Harvey Dent’s campaign as district attorney, and the Joker decided to hold everyone hostage. Batman showed up and saved the day.

Bruce: Huh. I kinda remember that. Alfred—my butler, who raised me, you know?—made me go into a safe room. I didn’t even know why until later when he pulled me out.

Vicki: Okay, how about something more recent? The Winter Gala for the Wayne Foundation’s Youth Rehabilitation and Development Program? Another event taken hostage by the Joker. You, the host, were nowhere to be found when Batman came in to knock out the Joker and his clowns.

Bruce (looking adorably lost): Oh, ah. I… I actually can’t say where I was then.

Vicki (triumphant): Oh? Could you have been decked out in an armored suit, saving us all?

Bruce (smiling): Now, Vicki, if that was what I was doing, I wouldn’t be all that shy about it.

Vicki (with a sharklike smile): So where were you?

Tim (off-camera, clearing his throat): Uh, Ms. Vale?

Vicki (attention shifting, looking surprised but also delighted): And here with us is Bruce’s adopted son, Timothy Drake-Wayne.

Tim (coming onset, frowning): Bruce doesn’t like people applying the label of “adopted” child with regard to my siblings and myself, Ms. Vale.

Bruce (also frowning): No, I don’t. I love my children equally, no matter who their biological parents were or are. My children are my children. No need to distinguish between who’s adopted and who’s not.

Tim: Aww, I love you too, Bruce.

Bruce (blushing and beaming mightily): Come here, Tim.

[Tim comes over to the couch. They hug. There’s an audible awww from the crowd. Vicki Vale’s pupils are practically heartshaped.]

Tim (pulling away to look at Vicki): Anyway, I just wanted to say, the thing Bruce isn’t saying about the Winter Gala is that I kind of freaked out when the Joker came in.

Vicki (concerned): Oh?

Tim (embarrassed): Yeah. I… uh… I had been kidnapped for ransom by some of his thugs just before Thanksgiving, and them coming in sent me into a flashback, complete with a panic attack. Bruce helped me calm down and stayed with me, then afterward we called my therapist. He probably didn’t wanna bring it up so I wouldn’t be embarrassed.

Bruce: Tim, son, there’s nothing to be ashamed about—

Tim: I know, Bruce, but these people are saying you’re Batman, for crying out loud.

Vicki: So your alibi for not being Batman is that you were too busy being a good dad?

Bruce (bashful): I wouldn’t put it that way. But much as I would like to say I was being a superhero and saved the day...

Vicki (turning to the crowd): Well, it sure sounded like that to me. What do you think, ladies?

The audience cheers.

Vicki: Well, I think that’s all we have time for tonight. Thank you so much for coming, Bruce, and thank you for everything you’re doing for Gotham and for your very adorable boys—

Bruce (smiling): And girl. I have a daughter now.

Vicki: Of course! Who could forget the lovely Cassandra? Well, if there’s a vote going around for dad of the year, you get mine! Even if you aren’t Batman after all. Thanks for joining me tonight, folks! This is the Very Late Show, and I’m Vicki Vale. Bruce Wayne, everybody, and Timothy Drake-Wayne!

[Video fades out to sound of applause.]

[Video starts, a clip from The Cat Grant Show.]

Cat: This Gotham native is best known for being CEO of Wayne Enterprises and President of the Wayne Foundation. His charitable efforts have changed the face of Gotham for the better, so much so that people have spent years speculating he’s the man behind Batman’s mask. Let’s bring out tonight’s special guest, Bruce Wayne!

[Applause. A door slides open revealing Bruce Wayne, who grins a little goofily and waves at the crowd as he steps forward. He kisses Cat’s cheeks and gives her a hug, which leaves her blushing, before they sit down.]

Cat: Thank you so much for being here, Bruce.

Bruce: Thank you for having me!

Cat: So let’s jump right into things. You’ve already answered this in another interview, but this time I want an answer: Are you Batman?

Bruce (laughs): Ms. Grant—

Cat: Cat.

Bruce: Cat, do I really seem like a guy who might be Batman?

Cat: Well, you seem enough like one that rumors have persisted for over a decade.

Bruce (shaking his head and smiling bemusedly): When would I even have the time? I could show you what my daily itinerary looks like, and that’s not when there’s a big project in the works for the company or the Foundation. If I had to dress up in a costume and flit about the rooftops beating up on criminals every night, I would have precious little time to sleep or spend with my family!

Cat: I wouldn’t say Batman “flits about the rooftops” exactly.

Bruce: Stomps then. (Laughs)

Cat: So just to be clear, there isn’t some kind of secret, secure space in Wayne Manor that houses all your high-tech crime-fighting equipment? A… Bat Cave, if you will?

Bruce (laughing): Well, there’s definitely a Man Cave! And there are a few secret rooms and passageways in the house—if you’ll recall your history, the Manor dates back to the Civil War years, and it actually served as a safehouse and one of the stops on the Underground Railroad.

Cat: Wow, you know a lot about your home’s history.

Bruce: Yes, my parents insisted upon it before they… passed. Family history made up much of my bedtime stories, as it happened. They felt it’s important to know where we came from, the better to understand where we needed to go. I’ve shared the Manor history with my kids as well.

Cat: That’s amazing. I do remember that bit about the Underground Railroad. I took one of the tours of Wayne Manor… I’m not sure how long ago. It was shortly after you returned from your travels abroad.

Bruce: Did you? (laughs) I don’t suppose you were the one who took the silver candlesticks my butler still never has let me hear the end of?

Cat: If I did, I’m never telling. (Laughs) But no, I’m not. Still, speaking of your travels abroad, that’s actually part of the reason people think you’re Batman. You could’ve spent all that time training to be a ninja!

Bruce (laughs): Well, I did spend some time in Japan. And I actually did study some martial arts, although my teachers decided I was hopeless.

[Bruce stands up and does a patently fake martial arts pose, hands and one leg up in a goofy crane-like position, then yowls like a cat, to the laughter of the audience.]

Cat (laughing): Yes, I can see how you would strike fear into the hearts of evildoers everywhere.

Bruce (seemily serious): Thank you.

Cat: So what exactly were you doing all those years abroad?

Bruce: Traveling, learning, seeing the world.

Cat: But no one has ever been able to say, “Yeah, I hung out with Bruce Wayne when he was traveling around the world.”

Bruce: Well, that’s because I didn’t travel as Bruce Wayne. I wanted to get to know the world without the… ah....

Cat: Silver spoon?

Bruce (smiles sheepishly): Yes, exactly. So I ended up spending some time in a Tibetan monastery, but also a lot of time working temporary jobs, having to earn my supper.

Cat: So you… what? Meditated and flipped burgers?

Bruce: Well, I wasn’t so good at the meditating thing. I honestly think I mostly just learned to fall asleep while sitting up. And most of my travels were through Asia and Europe, so I didn’t so much flip burgers as sometimes handle a wok? Anyway, I can still manage a perfect Lotus position, as long as you don’t expect me to stay awake in it for very long. And I make a mean fried rice, if I do say so myself.

Cat (coquettishly): I’d love to try it some time!

Bruce (laughing): Sure! Just let me know. I don’t really get to cook much ‘cause other than fried rice I’m a disaster in the kitchen, and there are other members of the family who are much better at culinary arts—my son Jason’s souffles are divine!

Cat: So you schlepped around Asia and Europe, and then what? You just decided to come home to be the last scion of the Wayne dynasty again one day?

Bruce: That sounds way cooler than “My butler told me enough was enough and came to fetch me,” so let’s go with that. So I came home and settled down into the Manor, with its assortment of secret passages that are mostly now blockaded for safety reasons.

Cat: Did anyone ever get hurt in the passages?

Bruce: Hurt, no, but I remember Alfred—that’s my butler and guardian—saying one or two of the people of the tours had gotten lost at some point or other.

Cat: But you stopped allowing the tours a while back.

Bruce: Yes, well, I had fewer kids when they were allowed. Like, none even. After I became guardian to my son Dick, we decided to stop the tours to protect his privacy. As the family grew, this became more and more important, that the kids have a space where they don’t have to worry about being in the public eye.

Cat: Awww, that’s a great reason! (Turns to audience.) Don’t you think that’s such a great dad thing to do? (Beams at applause.) Now I can’t even be grumpy about the fact that I can no longer go snooping around Wayne Manor for the price of a tour ticket. (Laughs.) But, hey, your kids are here with you today.

Bruce: Yes, they are. Well, two of them. I didn’t want to bring the whole brood or someone would be gnawing on the furniture before long.

Cat (laughing): They’re not that bad, surely!

Bruce: It’s a challenge keeping them fed, and I’m literally a billionaire.

Cat: So which ones are here today?

Bruce: Tim and Cass.

Cat: Why only them?

Bruce: Two others were busy with work or school, one would prefer to pretend I didn’t embarrass him by breathing, and the rest just laughed when I asked.

Cat (counting off her fingers and frowning): Bruce… Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but you only have five kids.

Bruce: Yes, I have five children.

Cat: So there’s Tim and Cass, two who are busy—I guess that’s Dick and Damian—and Jason has been public enough about his reaction to some of your recent TV appearances. So who are the rest?

Bruce (blushing): Oh, well, my kids… uh… they have friends who stay over a lot. I guess I just kinda get used to having a gaggle of young people in the house.

Cat: So we’re not seeing any more adoptions in your future.

Bruce: Um. Well, I wouldn’t say no, you know. But these kids have parents who love them. I’m just happy they want to hang out with my brood.

Cat: Well, speaking of kids! Can we bring Tim and Cass out here?

[Music plays, and the door slides open again to reveal Tim and Cass.]

Cat: Timothy Drake-Wayne and Cassandra Cain-Wayne, everybody!

[Tim and Cass smile and wave at the audience. Cass skips over to the couch and jumps into Bruce’s arms for a hug-attack. Audible female awws can be heard. Tim eases onto the couch beside Bruce as well, and Bruce ruffles his hair.]

Cat: So what brings you here today?

Cass: Jason wouldn’t come.

Tim (smiling): She means that Jason was pretty sure Bruce would do something to make us all regret agreeing to our adoptions. And he was right! (Turns to Bruce.) Bruce, never, EVER do that lame martial arts thing ever again. You’re an insult to the sport.

Bruce (smiling fondly): Are you sure? I could—

Cass: Very sure.

Bruce (sadly): But I could—

Tim: No. Find some dignity, Dad.

Bruce: But what if I were to—

Cass (placing a finger on Bruce’s lips): No. Think of what Alfred would say.

Bruce (deflating visibly): All right, all right.

Cat: Well, the night is young! And I have a surprise for everyone!

Tim (wary): We’re gonna regret this, aren’t we?

Bruce (looking delighted): I love surprises!

Cat (smiling like, well, the cat that got the cream): Then you’ll love this one! Now, you guys may be familiar with the theory that people could prove Bruce Wayne was Batman if only they could find photographic evidence that “the butts match.” The hashtag #DoTheButtsMatch first trended about ten years ago, and while it’s not the oldest meme in existence, it’s certainly got a level of tenacity second only, perhaps, to RickRolling.

Bruce (laughing): Oh gosh, that was hilarious! I love that! And I read that they do it to Nightwing and Dick even more than Batman and me now!

[Tim leans over and whispers something in Bruce’s ear that turns the billionaire’s face instantly bland. Human ears can’t hear it, but certain Kryptonian ears in the tech booth pick up on the words “Dick is sooo going to kill you.”]

Cat: Yes, yes, they do! And it’s been done to almost all of the members of the Bat Clan, I believe they’re called. With much of your own family held in comparison. I know many people speculate your son and the first ward you took in, Dick Grayson, is actually the first Robin, who is now Nightwing.

Bruce: Yes, I’ve heard that! Dick’s a police officer, you know, so we find it kind of funny that people think he spends his days fighting crime in a uniform, only to come home, dress up in some kind of body suit, and then spend his nights fighting crime in a costume. (Shakes his head.) Now people say that Tim here is Red Robin. Because he has so much time to go off vigilanteing—

Tim: That’s not even a word, Bruce.

Bruce: I can say “vigilanteing” if I want. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. It’s simply ridiculous to think that Tim, apart from being a full-time college student and interning with Lucius Fox at Wayne Enterprises, has spare time for vigilanteing. I promise you, Cat, I and my family do enjoy sleeping sometimes, even if photos on Instagram might convince you we all have coffee flowing through our veins.

Cat (laughing): Well, you make a convincing argument. But still, tonight, we’ve offered you the chance to prove that the butts do not, after all, match!

Bruce (looking like Christmas has come early): Don’t tell me you have Batman backstage too, so you can compare our tushies!

Cat: I wish I could get Batman as a guest on this show. But alas, until the Dark Knight consents to an interview, I’ll have to settle for the next best thing: a replica Batsuit in your size!

Bruce (frowning): What’ll that do?

Cat: Well, you can show the world your butt doesn’t fill that suit the same way Batman’s does.

Bruce (dubiously, while Tim and Cass are frowning): Well, don’t know. But I’m willing to try!

Cat: And there you have it! We’ll let you go backstage to change, and ask our viewers to keep their hands off their remotes because we’ll be right back after the commercial break!

[Video fades out, then fades back in with applause.]

Cat: And now, ladies and gentlemen! Do the butts match? See for yourself if the Prince of Gotham’s butt matches the Dark Knight’s! In costume, I present to you—Bruce Wayne!

[Loud music starts playing. The doors slide open. Someone who looks an awful lot like Batman is standing with arms akimbo. And then that frown turns upside down and Bruce Wayne’s signature sheepish smile is seen, and he waves to the audience like a beauty queen, then rocks on his heels while swishing the cape, like a little girl playing princess. Everyone starts chanting.]

Audience: Show that butt! Show that butt!

Cat: Show us that butt, Bruce!

Tim: Oh God, it’s a nightmare.

Bruce (fake-growling, but it sounds more like a puppy or kitten growl than Batman’s growl): I am vengeance! I am the night! I am Batman!

[And then. Bruce starts twerking to the music. He sweeps away the dark cape to show off his bubble butt as he does, grinning all the while. The audience hoots and whistles. Cat cheers. Cass has her hands covering her eyes, her face. Tim just facepalms and squeezes his eyes shut while massaging his temples like he’s got a migraine.

Bruce, still dancing, moseys over to the couch and tries to get his kids to dance with him, but they refuse. He keeps trying. Tim stands his ground and looks pissed. Cass eventually laughs, jumps up, and starts dancing with him, to everyone’s delight. They sync up and start dancing moves like disco’s made a comeback, which the crowd holler louder, and Tim groans and buries his head in his hands, shaking it.

Cat joins in their dance fest, and Bruce takes off the cowl as he dances. He’s got the cape swept over his arm like a princess’s train.]

Bruce (still grinning): Wow, this suit is really hot! I wonder how Batman manages in summer. He must be the stinkiest hero on the Justice League, unless he’s got super deodorant powers.

Cat (shouting): So we’re about out of time. One more time, can you show us again how well the butts match?

[Bruce turns around and shakes that booty. Cass laughs and shows off some of her street dancing moves.]

Cat (shouting): And that’s all for tonight! Thanks for tuning in, and to my guests Bruce Wayne, Cassandra Cain-Wayne, and Timothy Drake-Wayne! This is the Cat Grant Show, and I’m your host, Cat Grant! Good night, everybody! Now let’s get dancing!

[She continues dancing, and the camera pans to the audience to show everyone in the studio, even the techs and camera man, are dancing. The only one not dancing is Tim Drake-Wayne.]