Chapter Text
Much to Beryl’s disappointment, the morning sun rose without any incident during the night. She had hoped that someone would notice them missing and come to find them over night. She had seen, the afternoon before, a black bird, high in the sky, circling them. She had been quite certain it was a raven and she had hoped it would take word of their whereabouts back to Erebor. But no one had come. Perhaps Fili was right. Perhaps Thorin didn’t care and the ravens would only confirm to Thorin that Fili had finally left.
Fili gave her quill and parchment. She wrote to Dis and explained in as few words as possible why they were going. She requested the princess talk with her brother and find out just what was going on and what was expected of Fili in the future. With a heavy heart, she gave the note to one of their two guards, who was to take it back to Dale, hire a messenger who would take it to Erebor and the guard was to return to them as swiftly as possible. Fili prided himself on being an excellent swordsman, but he wanted more protection for his wife and son than himself and one guard.
The guard left with the note and the rest of them started their journey south. Beryl wasn’t interested in conversation this morning and Fili was too emotionally tired to do much more than ride his pony, anyway. With every step of their ponies, Beryl’s heart and hopes faded further and further away. She had really hoped that someone from Erebor would notice their absence and come for their crown prince.
They had been on the road for an hour before they finally heard the fast approach of hooves. Beryl assumed it was the guard returning from Dale and paid the approaching rider no mind. Fili was more cautious than that, having been trained as a warrior, and he turned his pony to see who approached and if they were friend or foe.
It wasn’t just the one pony with their returning guard, but approximately two dozen ponies that approached them. Even from the far distance, Fili recognized the one riding up front. Only one dwarf had that bearing and it was someone he knew well: Thorin. Next to Thorin, he could see his brother. There was Bofur with his silly hat, the huge form of Dwalin, and a small figure riding awkwardly behind them, Bilbo. And there was a dwarf with skirts billowing behind her, his dear mother. Fili’s heart leapt with joy and dropped with despair in the same moment.
His fears got the better of him, though, and he started to get a panicked feeling in his chest. He worried Thorin was coming to ride him out of the country for good. He looked to his wife, who had finally turned around to see who approached and was surprised to see her smiling. Their company stopped and waited for the king’s company to arrive.
Fili hopped off his pony and bowed as Thorin’s company approached. The next thing he knew, he was being grabbed and hugged by several people. Kili’s and Thorin’s voices were in his ears.
“Thank Mahal,” Thorin said.
He was released from their hug and then immediately pushed hard. He fell back into his pony and looked at his brother’s dark, angry eyes.
“What in Mahal’s great name were you thinking, you idiot?” Kili yelled at him. There was no mirth in his face. Relief yes, but no mirth.
“Kili,” Thorin growled.
“No! I want to know what in the world he thinks he’s doing,” Kili yelled.
“It’s a good thing Kili got to you first, because I would have done more than shoved you,” Dis came marching up behind her brother and son.
Fili hated being reprimanded and once again it was in front of the entire company plus half a dozen guards. He bowed his head. A soft gentle hand took his and squeezed it. Thank goodness for his wife. At least she loved him.
“Well?” Kili demanded. “Tell me why you have dragged me away from a day with my wife when we are still in our wedding internment.”
“Hey, I didn’t ask you to come,” Fili said angrily. “You could have stayed home. You shouldn’t have found anything out until next week.”
“What?” Dis nearly screamed. “Did you think you would be so easily missed? That neither Thorin, nor Balin nor I would notice your absence?”
“I didn’t think that some of you would notice,” he glanced shyly at Thorin, “and I hoped that the rest of you wouldn’t for several days. I had every intention on writing you and letting you know of my whereabouts,” Fili said, his voice quiet and his face red with embarrassment, “once we were well on our way.”
“That is the most selfish thing,” Dis started, but Thorin’s big hand rested on her shoulder.
“Enough, Dis. It is not helpful. Let me talk to the lad,” Thorin said quietly and gently.
“You had better sort this out, Thorin Oakenshield,” Dis pointed a finger at her brother. “This is your fault.”
On his way back to Dale, the guard Beryl had sent with the letter for Dis, had met with Thorin’s party, who had gotten word from the raven that Fili was headed south. He had given her the message and Dis had nearly cut off Thorin’s head when she read the letter. Kili confirmed the story, as he had known what had transpired between Thorin and Fili several weeks ago. Thorin had not denied it and promised to make amends as soon as they caught up with Fili.
Dis was fuming now at her brother, as well as her eldest son.
Thorin nodded. “I know it is my fault. Please, come with me, Fili. I wish to talk with you in private.” Thorin lead Fili far away from the group. A guard stayed closer to them, but wasn’t close enough to hear what his kings was saying to the prince. He would make sure they were given their privacy.
Dis turned to Beryl. “Are you alright dear?”
Beryl smiled and sighed. “I am and better now that you’re here. I would have gone on with Fili, gladly, especially if he had been open and honest with me about the entire situation. But I’m glad you’ve come. If Fili is truly being sent away by Thorin, he needs to have the closure with Thorin first, and I needed the chance to say good-bye to you.”
Dis hugged her son’s wife. “You are a good daughter to me and a good wife to my hard-headed son. Thank you for sending me the letter. I was sick with worry yesterday afternoon when I realized you were gone and your home empty.”
“Will Thorin send him away?” Beryl’s small signs showed her nervousness.
Dis smiled at her daughter, “He would never send Fili away. Not in anger, anyway.”
Beryl removed Borin from the sling on her chest and handed him to Dis, who was thrilled to be reunited with her grandson.
Kili was pacing furiously and the rest of Thorin’s company looked to be in some sort of conference of their own. Bilbo broke away from the group and approached Kili. They talked quietly for several minutes and Kili visibly settled down. He joined his mother and tickled Borin’s chin.
“I can’t stay if Fili leaves,” Kili said. “I’ll leave, too. I can’t be without him.”
“You will not have to be,” Dis said, “but you are strong, Kili, and if the time comes for the two of you to be separated for a while, you will survive just fine. Especially now that you have Amli by your side.”
“It’s not the same, though,” Kili looked like a pouting child.
“No, it’s not the same,” Dis agreed.
Thorin led Fili away from the company until they were out of ear shot. Thorin said nothing as they walked away and Fili worried about what his punishment would be. He had acted rashly, he supposed, but the looks of disappointment from Thorin were more than he could bear. Fili was silent and waited for Thorin’s reprimand.
When then finally reached a distance away, Thorin stopped. “Fili,” his voice was more kind and gentle than Fili had anticipated. “I want to apologize to you.”
Fili had not expected that. “You’ve done nothing, Thorin. I have disappointed you. It is I who should apologize.”
“We’ve both behaved poorly,” Thorin sighed. “But I want you to know that you have not disappointed me. I am always proud of you and while I don’t always agree on your methods, you always finish the work I ask of you. The dwarves and guilds that you are over, think very highly of you and in truth, wne ever have but few problems with those in your charge. I was wrong,” Thorin took in a great breath and let it out slowly, like he was trying to control some emotion, “I was wrong to say that you are not fit to rule someday, because I know you will rule better than I.”
“Not true, Thorin. I will never be as great as you,” Fili said quietly.
“You will be better.”
“Thank you,” Fili said, unsure of what else to say. He felt somewhat better, but that nagging feeling of Thorin having doubt in his abilities still pricked at him.
“The truth is, lad, I had rather a bad morning on that day. I took out my frustration and anger at you and that was wrong of me.” Thorin glanced sideways to make sure they were truly alone. There was one guard nearby, but he was far enough away he would not hear. “I have told this to no one else and I would beg you to keep it a secret for now. I’m still coming to terms with it.”
“Uncle?” Fili asked, now very concerned. This was not like Thorin at all and Fili was scared.
“Do I have your word?”
“I swear on Durin’s beard that I will not tell anyone. Not even Kili,” Fili added for good measure.
“Thank you.” Thorin sighed again and rubbed his hand through his hair. “The truth is, Fili, I’m losing my sight. It’s been coming on slowly, but Oin confirmed it, that morning, in fact, that my sight is going and within another decade, I will most likely not be able to see anything anymore.”
Fili was stunned.
“I’m scared, Fili. Honestly scared. I’m scared in a way I have not been but a few times in my life. I was scared when Smaug came. I was scared when Kili was born because we didn’t think he or your mother would survive. I was scared when I thought Azog had killed you and your brother. And I’m scared now. How do I go on? How do I rule when I cannot see? I’ll step down and make you king, of course, but what will I do then? Will I just be a nuisance to you and the family? Someone who will need to be taken care of because he can no longer care for himself? How do I get around Erebor? How will I watch your children play and grow? What use will I be when I can no longer see anything? I will be Thorin, the blind, ex-king of Erebor. Pathetic and useless.”
“Uncle Thorin,” Fili spoke forcefully. “Listen to me. You will never be pathetic and useless. Never. To hear about your sight makes me very sad. I wish this were not so, but if it is to be your fate, please know that I nor Kili nor Amad nor anyone else will think of you as a pathetic nuisance. We’ll help you. You said that it could take the better part of the next decade. That gives us plenty of time to learn, plan and adjust.”
“I don’t want pity,” Thorin voice was halfway between a growl and a mumble.
“Pity? Look at those who followed you out here today. You won’t find pity there. They’ll be sad to learn of your sight and they will do anything in the world to help you, but they will not pity you. Look at Beryl, without a voice, and Bifur without a good part of his sanity, and Kili, who has but limited use of his right arm. They will understand you and we’ll all still hold you in highest respect. We’ll help you through this and I will do anything I can for you. Anything. And you do not need to give up your crown because you cannot see. You can still be king. Your mind will not be altered. Balin, Kili and I will be your eyes, but you will still be able to rule. Don’t let it stop you.”
Thorin placed a hand on the side of Fili’s face and used his thumb to wipe at the tears that Fili didn’t even know he was shedding. “What makes me the saddest about all of this, is that someday, I won’t be able to see your face again.”
Fili placed his hand along Thorin’s face, just as Thorin held his.
“Fili, all of this is beside the point right now. I did not ride all this way to tell you that. I came to apologize. I never should have spoken about you in such a way. You have done nothing but great things. I might have been having a bad day, but that is no reason for me to have said what I did or not immediately apologize. And since then, I’ve been nervous to approach you. Humility is a trait I’ve never had in large quantities and many have pointed out to me it is my greatest weakness. I hurt you and was too proud to right the wrong I created. I am very sorry and I wish you would return with me home. I want to keep an eye on you, and it is not because I don’t trust you.”
“I understand,” Fili smiled. “and I’m sorry too. I should have known you better and trusted myself more. It was foolish of me to run away like I was in my thirties again. The thing is, I can take your anger Thorin. We’ve had our differences over the years and I can take your anger, but I never want to disappoint you. Aside from losing Kili, my biggest fear in life has been being a disappointment to you. You, who I trust, love and respect most of all. The idea of failing you is the second worst thing that could ever happen to me.”
“You have never disappointed or failed me. And I hold you in highest esteem. How about, that from now on, if we have a, as you put it, difference of opinion,” Thorin said to Fili, who smiled at his uncle, “we take some time to cool off, but not more than a day goes by before we work it out again.”
“I agree.”
Thorin bumped his forehead to Fili’s. “Thank you.”
“And Thorin,” Fili looked into his uncle eyes, “your secret is safe with me. I will keep your confidence until you are ready to share it with the others. Whether that be today, next month, or next year, I will not say a word to anyone. But don’t wait until your sight gets too bad before you let others know. You will have everyone’s support, I assure you.”
A fire was started and an early lunch cooked. Those that had ridden from Erebor had gotten up before the sun rose and ridden nonstop since then. They were all sitting down to eat when Thorin and Fili finally returned.
Fili bowed to the assembled group. “Friends, my sincerest apologies for worrying you and causing you such inconvenience. I behaved rashly and I hope you can accept my apologies.”
“We accept you apologies and offer you forgiveness,” Balin said tenderly. The rest of the group nodded their heads enthusiastically. Fili bowed again his appreciation.
“I too must apologize,” Thorin said. “It was my own, um,” he paused, but the group filled in the blanket for him.
“Pig-headedness?” Dis offered.
“Stupidity,” Dwalin inserted.
“Short temper?” Bilbo said.
Thorin nodded at all of these. “Yes, all that and more, which would be rude to say in front of the ladies,” he looked at Dwalin, who smiled innocently. “Fili and I had a disagreement, which led me to say many unkind and untrue words at him. And I did not come to him to apologize when I should have; the moment after those words had left my mouth, or at least after I had cooled down. I take back my words to him and I apologize to all of you, but I also thank each of you for riding out with me to find my lost son.”
“We will follow our king and our princes to whatever end for whatever purpose,” Bofur said.
“There and back again,” Bilbo smiled.