Chapter Text
Darcy/Thor
iPod
Thor was a lot of things but delicate wasn't one of them. When he broke by mistake Darcy iPod and witnessed her eyes being clouded by tears and heard her moan of despair, he vowed to make it up to her, by any means necessary.
"BEHOLD LADY DARCY!" He declared one afternoon. "OUR FRIEND OF THE HOUSE OF STARK HELPED ME IN MY QUEST OF THE ULTIMATE PLAYING MINISTRELS DEVICE!"
He was met with the bewildered stare of Darcy.
"Is that the latest iPod Touch, fourth generation with 64GB?" She talked so fast and such gibberish (for Thor) that his face betrayed his utter lack of knowledge on the matter.
"I ASKED FOR THE BEST EARSWARE FOR MY LADY'S HEART!"
Darcy grabbed her own personal holy Grail and hugged Thor fiercely. They almost tumbled on the couch behind them.
"Oooh! You are SO going to get laid tonight!"
Cellphone
"….so I said to Bruce 'Dude! You don't want to mess with Dummy!' and then…Thor? Buddy? You in there or are you lost in pop tarts fantasyland again?"
Tony looked at his team mate and watched him become as red as his iron suit.
"What are you looking at? Did you find gay porn again? I can totally prank Clint for that you know, I've got tons of ideas, TONS!"
Thor was transfixed by the top notch cellphone the exuberant genius offered him (well, the fifth one, the God of Thunder had a tendency to break small Midgardian items like it was made of butter).
"Ah erm…do not fret iron friend, it is just…"
"Can I look? Let me look at that."
"NO!" Thor was putting the cellphone screen against his chest, protectively. That got Tony to raise his eyebrows in delight.
"Oooohhh! You know you just made me even more curious now pointbreak, right?"
Thor was showing signs of embarrassment and he tried getting away from Tony, making his chair fall in his haste to leave the room.
"JARVIS! Download for me the content of Thor's phone, please!"
"Right away, sir!"
"RRRRAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!" Screamed the Norse God and Tony had to run and hide in his panic room. Slightly winded and while Thor was pounding on the door with Mjolnir, Tony got to finally see what made such an impact on his fellow Avenger.
"Mother and saints of all that his holy shit fuck balls!"
When Thor finally got to tear the panic room's door, he found Stark being utterly chocked and paralysed in front of the dirty pictures his girlfriend sent him. He immediately hide them by blocking the view with his massive body.
"You lucky son of a bitch, that body is glorious, I think I heard Angels singing about her boobs!" Stated Tony in awe.
Thor punched him in rage and when he woke up on the floor five minutes later, he couldn't get the huge grin off his face.
"Jarvis? Please send to miss Lewis a thousand dollars Agent Provocateur gift card and a congratulation note to Thor."
"Right away, sir. Should I reinforce the panic room's door?"
"Yeah, make it Mjolnir resistant too."
Vampires
"There's a universe full of vampires? NO. WAY!"
There was one thing that always could get Darcy excited and it was vampires. Not the lame Twatlight vampires with glitter, crazy mormon lady brainwashing and shit; no the real ones with grit and blood and less feelings (or too much, depending, and more shmex). She liked her Lestat, Spike and Dracula on the rough side.
"They are a nuisance!" Said Thor, ready to battle in his cute flannel pajamas.
"I sense history, spill!" She was eager for an adventure!time Thor, the one that liked to relive the tales of space hiking with his bros and hos. She jumped on their bed, went under the covers and readied herself like a kid asking for bed time stories.
She pouted and Thor groaned, he had lost and he knew it.
"In this world me and my loyal friends found, vampires did not hunt for blood."
"Wait, you're all flustered; why are you flustered?"
"Well, you see my little blueberry poptart…they hunted for sex. They were Incubus and Succubus . Feeding off sexual gratifications."
"THAT. IS. AWESOME!"
"I often wondered if you had any succubu's blood in you, for you are a little demon under the sheets." He smiled and slowly climbed onto the bed, his solid body covering hers.
"Someone is being playful tonight." She said while Thor rained little nips and kisses on her neck.
"Must be from my prolonged exposure to the vampires." He quipped.
She agreed with a moan.