Chapter Text
I woke in the dark, and something felt strange. I couldn't tell what. The electric heater was still running, and when I reached over and turned the lamp on it blared to life quickly. It was only when I put my feet down that I recognized what it was, the engines had stopped. The slight vibration I had gotten used to was gone, the stillness of it was concerning after being so used to the movement. I slid on a pair of boots, pulling a dressing gown over my night gown. Surely a steward would be able to tell me more. Just as I had reached for the knob to my door a sudden pounding on it startled me. I opened it and Will burst in, closing it tightly behind him. He was pale, wearing a greatcoat and I could swear he was sweating. There was a tremble to his movements, as if he wanted to move faster than he could and the thought of his lack of speed terrified him.
His breathing was harsh and loud as he turned to me. "You need to get your parents, now." He turned to the furniture, throwing open the wardrobe and throwing my clothes out and onto the bed before he threw up the covers on the bed, got down on his knees, and began dragging something out from underneath.
It was frightening, to see him so disturbed by something. I moved around him to the adjoining door, opening it quickly and stepping through. Father's never ending snores and Mother's slight breathing quickly led me to them. I turned on a lamp and quickly shook Mother awake. "Mother, Mr. Murdoch is here."
"At this time of night?" Her voice was rough, her eyes bleary.
"Yes, he said to get both of you." I must have looked a fright because she turned to wake Father. I opened the door, finding Will had thrown a number of large white vests over my bed. I left the door open and moved in, touching the rough canvas of them. "Will, what is going on?"
He grabbed my hand, pulling me closer to him, wrapping his arms around me and pressing his lips to my ear as he whispered harshly. "We have struck a berg, the ship is going down and I am going to get you off into a boat. All of you."
I suddenly couldn't feel anything, just a slight tingling from where he held my hand, his gloves were so cold. "What? Will, you can't be serious, this is-"
"What the hell is going on?" Father grumbled, coming in with Mother in his wake. "Get your hands off her Murdoch, or I swear-"
"Mr. Dalian, the ship is sinking. Slowly yes, but sinking. I doubt if we even have two hours." Will's voice was flat, formal and with no shred of emotion. "I intend to get your family off as quickly as I can. You all will need to dress warmly, as much as you can, and then fasten your lifebelts over." He held up a vest, showing the ties on the sides to hold it on. "First class passengers are going to be asked to gather in the lounge, please proceed there calmly. The last thing we need is a panic." He looked back out the door, towards the rest of our deck. "Men are removing the covers of the lifeboats, I need to be back up to lead the evacuation." He looked down to my hand, gripped so tightly in his that it was beginning to hurt.
"Hurry."
And then he was gone, not even closing the door. We did not discuss anything, his manner was so serious that there was no room for doubt. We moved as quickly as we could, Mother throwing my blue silk gown over my nightdress and buttoning it up with a speed that astounded me. I pulled on the lifebelt, bulky and restricting as I tied it around my sides, the cork blocks within making it difficult to push it down while I tied it. Mother and Father had gone back to their cabin, and I struggled my way into one fur coat and then another. I grabbed up a mink wrap, then remembered my keepsakes on the vanity. I shoved the matchbook and the message from Will into the pocket of one of my coats, and burst through into the other cabin. Mother was done up as warmly as I was, Father too, but she was rapidly looking through her vanity, her voice panicked. "Where is it?"
"Mother?" I stepped up, looking over her shoulder. Everything was in disarray, thrown around in her search for something.
"My pearls, where are they?" She pulled the drawer roughly out of the vanity, almost spilling everything out onto the floor.
Father looked over, "I sent them to the purser last night with Violetta, to keep them safe."
The color drained from Mother's face. I knew how much she loved those pearls, how Father kept adding onto them with every anniversary. I made for the door, "I will go down and get them, go to the lounge."
She gripped my arm as I went to leave, "Get the servants too, and let everyone you see know." I nodded, racing out into the hallway. Running in an evening dress and a nightgown proved rather difficult, and I almost fell down the stairs as I rushed to C deck. I don't know what the the people I saw walking around thought of me, but I told every person I saw to go get their lifebelts and get to the lounge.
I don't know if they believed me.
Father, when he first took me out, had stressed over and over how serious things were on the sea when it came to a sinking. There was never a guarantee that your ship would stay afloat, you needed to know what to do. He had me learn to swim with Abraham's children, and whenever he took me on a ship he pointed out where the lifeboats were, where the lifebelts were, how you did them up. But these people, some drunk and in their evening wear, were clueless. The purser's door was open, the safe provided for passengers open as well as he was pulling items out. He barely even looked at me, "Name?"
"Dalian."
He reached in, pulled out a bag and checked something. He tossed it over, and I anxiously opened it. Mother's pearls, my earrings and my own pearl necklace were inside. "Get going back up to the lounge, Miss."
I turned, but paused. "You need to get your lifebelt on."
"I will, but I need to get these ready for the passengers who come for them." His voice was brusque. "Get moving." I started back, only stopping to pound on the cabins of our servants. Marie and Violetta seemed to understand my urgency, coming back out in coats and with their lifebelts. Edward proved more difficult.
"Miss Dalian, there's no need to run around panicking everyone." He yawned, "I'm sure the crew will have everything fixed up by the morning."
"Edward, I heard this from an officer." I fumed, "There's nothing they can do, we need to get upstairs."
"Well, I'll just stay here then. Keep an eye on everything, won't want stuff to get stolen just because you're all hysterical." He closed the door, and despite my pounding and yelling for him to come back out, refused to open it. I even screamed that I ordered him, as one of his employers, to come out.
Marie grabbed my hand when I pulled it back to knock again. "Miss, he won't change his mind. We need to go." Violetta murmured something in French, and I led our little group back upstairs. More passengers were out in the halls now, and I could hear stewards telling them to get their lifebelts. We came up into the lounge, passengers gathered into tight little clusters as they talked. A few men were sat down and smoking as they looked around, like it was all a game. I found my parents, handing the bag of jewelry to Mother. She gripped it tightly, slipping it into her coat pocket.
I looked around, trying to see anything. But if there was anything going on it would be up on the boat deck, one level above us. I started for the door outside, thinking to look up. I opened the door, then stumbled back, almost buffeted by the sound. I had never heard such noise, a rush of steam rattling through the funnels that sounded as if I was standing next to a hundred trains, all bellowing and roaring. Father had followed me, he caught me before I fell. "They're blowing steam, means they've stopped the engines." His voice seemed faint after what I had just heard, and I had to have him repeat it close to my ear until I understood what he said.
"So what do we do now?" I asked, hoping he could come up with something. But he merely shrugged, moving back to our group. I nervously glanced around, some of the other people were moving back to their cabins, or ordering servants or stewards to see to something. I looked to Mother, "Shouldn't we tell them to stay?"
She shifted on her feet. "They'll know soon enough." I nodded, even though I knew nothing about how they would. Will had said the ship struck ice, but he didn't say where. If it was the stern, then we should move up towards the bow, or vice versa. But the engines had been stopped, the steam vented, so more than likely it wasn't the stern where the majority of machinery was. Probably the bow then. It calmed me slightly to figure this out, to focus on something other than the fact that we didn't know anything beyond what Will had said.
Father had wandered off, coming back with a glass of water. He placed it on the floor, kneeling down to look at it. "The list doesn't appear to severe, if they can patch the holes they might save her."
I knelt down, looking at the glass. The water tilted infinitesimally towards the bow, barely noticeable. "How would they patch it?"
He furrowed his brow, studying the glass again. "I don't know. Canvas? Maybe with the pumps it would be able to keep up." I let him continue on in this vein for awhile, a bit of distraction. Some of the other passengers wandered over, curious about what Father was saying. I kept my eyes on the glass, seeing the water slowly tilt farther. My furs were growing hot, and I almost took one of the coats off before I thought better about it. Mother paced back and forth, occasionally looking up like she would be able to see something out of the dome.
A steward came around eventually, "Please, all passengers are to proceed to the Boat Deck." He nodded, then moved on, repeating his order to every group. We all started to move up the stairs, coming out on the starboard side of the ship. Crews were at every lifeboat, working to get them lowered. Some passengers had obviously decided to come out before the rest of us, crowding up against the railing and the sailors kept trying to move them back. I could see a few boats already pulling away from the ship, out into the darkness. We couldn't move forward very far, the crush of people too great. I stayed close to Father, using his bulk to stay clear of everyone. Mother was on his other side, Marie and Violetta near her.
Will's voice suddenly rose among the sound of steam and passengers. "Please, women and children step forward! Please, get into the boat in an orderly fashion!" He must have been far ahead of us, for the people around us didn't move. It seemed no one wanted to move, wanted to be first. Father moved to the railing, and I trailed him. He'd found a small space between a set of boats, and quickly made room for me to look forward. A lifeboat had been lowered, only small group of people in it. I recognized Lady Duff Gordon and her husband, and next to them I saw the entire Reichster clan sitting in the boat. Mrs. Reichster was waving calmly back to somebody on the ship, and Zachary looked as if he'd been pulled from the smoking room before being bundled onto the boat, face red and coat rumpled. Mr. Reichster was chatting with Sir Cosmo, and I swear I could hear him chuckle.
Will called out again. "Please, I beg of you, get into the boat!" Again, there was no movement. It seemed like the entire crowd was frozen. I don't know how long it was before I heard him yell, "Lower away then!" The lifeboat lowered in jerks, finally coming to rest down on the water far below. The sailors in it started to move the boat away from the ship, some of the men taking the oars. The departure of the first boat seemed to set something off in the crowd then, and there was suddenly a great deal of pushing and shoving to get near one of the ready boats.
"Excuse me sir, but there are additional boats on the port side of the ship." A sailor said as he moved past Father to the boat nearest us. "We need to get these prepared, please go to the other side of the ship." Something seemed to seize the crowd near us then, and my steady bulwark, Father, was suddenly gone. Somebody stepped on my foot, and when I moved back in shock I was roughly pushed forward. By the time I managed to get my bearings, and stop the crowd from sending me further, I couldn't see him or Mother anywhere. More sailors were calling for boats to be filled, I could see some of the officers among them. I was still on the starboard side, the crowd of people seeming to prevent any further movement to the port side.
I stood on a deck chair, trying to see anything. My parents were nowhere to be seen, but I could see a group of women clustered back away from the boats. I stepped down, moving over to them. "You need to get in the boats." I said, pointing towards where another officer was calling for passengers. His sailors were holding back some of the men, only a few women and children moving towards the boat.
One of the women shook her head. "There is no way I will get in that boat when I could stay on this ship. This is all nonsense, and I will not be a part of it."
"They would not be telling us to do it if it was not necessary." I replied, pulling my wrap tight. What was wrong with them?
Another woman looked out. "Those little boats will sink, I just know it."
"I promise you, they won't. I rowed around New York harbor in smaller ones and nothing went wrong." I reached out to her, "Come with me, they're perfectly safe. I promise." She took my hand, and a few other followed her as I led them to a boat. "There, nothing to be afraid of. Get in, all of you." The sailors were good about handing them over the railing and into the boat, settling them onto the benches. We all gave a bit of a start as a rocket whistled up, exploding in a flurry of light far above our heads, but the sailors had them calmed quickly.
"Miss, do you think you could go find more of them?" An officer said, coming up behind me. It wasn't Will or Mr. Lightoller, he looked very young. "They don't seem to be listening to us and we have been ordered to see them off first."
I nodded, glad to have a task. Mother and Father would probably already have gotten into a boat, and I would get in with some of the women I brought up. My plan set I moved out, finding hesitant women who were terrified of the swaying boats. I used every tactic I could think of; showing them how easy it was to step over the railing, pointing out how some of the boats had many people in them and were held just fine, and eventually just begging. Some came with me, but others I could not get to follow. It was difficult when their husbands were right by them, their wives clung to them and refused to move.
I got close to the bow at one point, seeing a group of women into a boat when I froze. Whatever list the ship had acquired had been so slight I hadn't noticed it as I walked the deck, but the bow was definitely sinking. The grade was more severe up here, and I scrambled backward. Will was right, the ship would founder, and I had no doubt there were more people below, unaware of how to get up to the boat deck. I saw a few more boats being slowly loaded, I could get down and get in one of the boats. But what if they were all gone? What if when I came back up the entire ship had been abandoned? What if the ship went down while I was below?
I took a deep breath, trying to get myself to focus. I would go down, I would bring up one more group, I would get in the boat with them. There, three steps. Easy. I forced myself down below, passing by the first class areas that were mostly deserted. Other passengers were moving up, but I kept going down. I must have been in a second class staircase when I found a group of about ten huddled together. I called out. "Please, follow me. You need to get into a lifeboat now. This way."
One of the children was crying, his mother holding him close. "Please, what is happening?" Her voice was thickly accented, and difficult to understand without the rush of sound and bodies around us.
"Take my hand." I ordered, "Everyone hold each other's hands. Follow me." It took some time for them to follow my instructions, but eventually we had a chain of women and children holding each other and following me up through the ship and out onto the Boat Deck. I moved forward, the boats on the starboard side mostly gone. But there was a crowd near the bow, even now as it settled further into the water. It was mostly men, pushing and shoving as they tried to find some exit.
I could make out some sailors and officers holding the crowd back, arms outstretched to physically keep the people away. Through a gap in the crowd I could see Will, a gun in his hand as he screamed at the crowd pushing towards the boat. It had fallen onto the deck, broken oars beneath it. It must have been stored up above, having been tossed down but the ramp of oars had failed. Sailors were behind him, dragging the boat over to the davit. I looked at the small crowd of women and children I had collected.
They were frightened, the hands holding mine clammy and cold as they looked at the men we would have to get through to get to the boat. "We will have to push forward, if anyone tries to stop you push them away. Do not let go of each other." I ordered, setting my shoulder and proceeding to shove my way through. They followed through the holes I made, hands forming a chain as they came along. I lost a hand once or twice, but felt them grab my coat. They were still with me even as I shoved a man out of my way.
"Women and children! Stay back or I will shoot the next man who comes forward!" I heard Will yell, and I doubled my efforts. I could hear the crowd cursing him, demanding a place on the boat, yelling and screaming. I tried to push past a man, catching an elbow to my face. I barely felt the pain, a hot roil of anger coming up. I punched at him, then rushed through when he moved back. Moe than likely it was the shock of it rather than my actually hurting him, but I would take any chance.
"Mr. Murdoch, here! Women and children!" I yelled as I broke through at the front. I turned to my group. "Get up here and wait for the boat to be ready!" The women rushed past the line of sailors who had opened up to let us pass, huddling against the far wall and holding their children close. I tried to speak calmly, telling them that the sailors would get the boat ready in just a moment and they would be in it, but they needed to stay back and give them space.
"Anastasia, what are you still doing on here?" Will stepped forward, the chain of his whistle glinting around his chest. He was pale, his voice hoarse and I had to step close to hear him over the crowd.
"What I can." I said, watching as the sailors got the boat ready. It had been placed in the davit, and was quickly lowered for boarding. Will turned away, holding the gun to the crowd as the women and children rushed onboard. One man pushed his way through, and then it was like a flood. I heard a shot, but it must have been high for no one fell or stopped. Will grabbed my hand, pulling me towards the boat. The gun in his hand turned into more of a club as he tried to beat men away from the boat. In the chaos a sailor on the lines was pushed, sending the stern of the boat tumbling before he caught the line again. I could hear the women screaming, and then the bow lines dropped and the boat settled into the water, not very far from where we were standing.
Will watched it slowly move away. "God damn it!" He turned back to me, "Damn you, woman. Why didn't you get into a boat before? I told you to get away."
I looked at him, the wildness in his eyes. For a brief moment I could see him throwing me over, trying to get me to the boat. But then I looked, I was on a sinking ship and had let my chance get away. "I don't know." Suddenly everything I had planned, my brilliant scheme to get away, seemed hollow. What was I thinking? I should have fought back to find Mother and Father, I should have gotten into any of the boats I saw. I was a fool, thinking that I could do something noble and still get away. But the officer, he had asked for help and I did help. That had to be worth something. I pressed my head to Will's shoulder, any strength I had gone as I realized that I had missed my chance.
"Come with me then, I think there's one of Lights's boats left." He threw an arm around me, pushing through the crowd. Water was already foaming around our feet as he pushed me through a door, freezing cold through my boots. I couldn't even tell where we were before he threw another one door open and we were on the other side of the ship. I could see one of the other officers loading a boat, farther back than where we were, the chaos on the starboard side not as advanced over here. Men were above the room we had just left, tipping a boat down from on top. Will roughly drew me along. "Get in, get away from the ship before the suction pulls you down."
I stopped, my mind whirring. It was always me, I needed to get into the boat, I needed to get away. Enough of that. "No, Will. Not without you."
He grabbed me by the shoulders, his voice harsh. "I cannot leave, not until all the boats are ready. I will board the last one."
I touched his cheek and I could feel myself begin to cry. "You're lying." I could see it in him, the shame in his eyes as he refused to meet my gaze. And suddenly it all fell into place. The reason why Will knew we had struck, why it affected him so. He wasn't just panicking because of the evacuation. Whatever had happened, it had been under Will's watch.
"Ana, please get in the boat. It would be better for you to leave and forget me. I, I have ruined everything." He brought a hand up to brush my tears away. I grabbed it tightly, kissing his gloves, then throwing my arms up around his neck. I kissed his neck then, like I had wanted to only a few hours ago, and pressed my lips to any piece of him I could reach, his skin cold under my lips. I held him so tightly I feared I would hurt him. His arm came up around my back, and I could feel it shaking. "The days we had were wonderful, and I wish we had more time. But I will see you safe, if it's the last thing I do."
I let him go then, and stood, fisting my hands in the fabric of his greatcoat. I didn't care about the tears on my cheeks, I was done with trying to be strong. All I was was desperate for him to come with me, for whatever we had to continue. "I will not get on that boat until you swear to me Will, you swear to me on your family, the Bible, whatever you hold dearest, that you will get off this ship alive and find me! And don't just say it to make me leave, I want you to mean it. For if you don't, I will stay right here until the ship sinks under me."
His hands, their gloves freezing cold even though the layers of my coats, gripped my shoulders. "Then I swear on you, Anastasia, that I will find you out there." His lips crashed against mine, a brief moment of mingled breath, sweat and tears before he roughly shoved me backwards. "Now, follow Lowe into the damn boat!"
He gave me no choice, picking me up and handing me down no matter how much I begged him to follow. Lowe settled me on the bench next to him, and I gripped the bench in frustration. All I wanted to do was scream. Scream and drag Will into the boat. Will's voice was lost in the rush of steam and cries of passengers, but he directed the sailors on the lines to lower us quickly. There was a moment where passengers were reaching from the lower deck, pulling at the side of the boat, but Lowe stood and drew his gun. I could see their eyes, crazed and desperate as they grabbed at our boat, and suddenly a series of loud cracks split the night and they scattered, the boat settling into the water. Two sailors worked on loosening the lines while Lowe handed out oars, calling for us to pull away. Some in the boat shifted so that they had their backs to the scene, but I stayed staring at the ship even as we began to row away.
Staring at the officer I had come to care for far more than I should have.
The man that I loved.