Chapter Text
Connor hummed softly, leaning out of his window as he finished off his joint, mentally preparing himself. Just one day , he told himself. One day and you’re home free .
“Connor, get down here for breakfast. You’re going to be late,” Larry’s agonizingly disinterested voice came from downstairs. Connor rolled his eyes and shut his window. He sprayed himself with a bit of cologne, as useless as the attempt may be, and trugged downstairs.
“Here’s a concept,” Connor said, interrupting whatever boring conversation was going on at the kitchen table. He sat down at his post and leaned back nonchalantly in his chair. “You guys let me miss today, and I’ll go tomorrow- no questions asked.”
Larry glanced up from his newspaper, Zoe visibly rolled her eyes before finishing off her glass of orange juice. She got up, probably to get a box of cereal. Cynthia came from behind him with a soft sigh, pouring more coffee into Larry’s cup.
“It’s senior year Connor, you are not missing the first day,” Cynthia said. Connor rested his head on his hand, closing his eyes. He wasn’t going to win this battle- but fuck it he could try.
“I said I’d go tomorrow. Look, I’m trying to find a compromise here,” Connor said. He fidgeted with his hands, his leg shaking just a bit. He could be told he had to go to school, but didn’t mean he would. Granted, chances were Zoe would snitch on him if she didn’t see him throughout the day. Did he care though? Chances were after this he’d never be seen again.
Larry and Cynthia were arguing, without a doubt probably about Connor and his proposal to stay home. He almost regretted getting high this morning. He was already worked up enough as it was, this was just adding fuel to the flame. He stared down at the stack of napkins on the center of the table.
He wished he could be a napkin. Those could just be used once and then thrown away, or chucked in the firepit. What a life- to just be a napkin, sitting on the table waiting to be used. He’d be a baby blue one, probably, like the ones Cynthia had gotten for Larry’s birthday BBQ party back in July. Not only were those napkins baby blue, but they said Good times with Hamburgers and Cake . They were stupid napkins, but they made all the elderly people laugh.
“He’s not listening. Look at him, he’s probably high,” Larry said. Connor rolled his eyes. Oh yeah. Just assume shit about someone when you don’t have any evidence to support your stupid decision.
“He’s definitely high,” Zoe commented, just having to put in her two cents.
“Fuck you!” Connor shouted, putting his head down on the table. He didn’t want to go, it was that simple! Did it have to warrant this much drama? Well, of course it did. What was the Murphy family if there wasn’t yelling every morning?
“Fuck you!” Zoe shouted back. Cynthia was quick to intervene.
“Zoe, I do not need you picking on Connor right now- he’s probably just stressed… besides, he’s not high,” Cynthia said.
At least someone was on his side.
Connor slowly lifted his head and looked over to Cynthia. Her face twisted into a frown. Connor put his head back down.
“Are you high?” she asked. Connor didn’t answer, she knew what it was anyways.
“Connor,” she said helplessly. “I do not want you going to school high.”
“Perfect! Then I won’t go. Thanks Mom!” Connor said, finally lifting his head from the table. He stood up quickly, a little too quickly, and stormed off, grabbing his bag from under the table.
As he made his way back up to his room, he heard the family go back to talking about their days. Zoe announced that Connor finished the milk, which he did not . He did not even touch the milk this morning.
It was eight am now. Just sixteen hours and he was done. Sixteen hours and Connor wouldn’t have to deal with any of this anymore. No more yelling, no more fighting. No more getting high, no more criticism. No more anything. Sixteen hours and it will be September Fourth, and Connor will be wherever the universe decides to put him.
Connor tucked his weed in his bag, safely behind his shut door. He didn’t plan on smoking anything more today, but he knew if he left it behind it would be gone by time he got home.
There was a soft knock on the door. Connor cringed at the sound and dropped down onto his bed. He knew he’d have to go- he wasn’t stupid. Zoe needed a drive. Actually, Connor might need to drive with her.
Cynthia came in and sat down on the edge of Connor’s bed, resting her hand on Connor’s thigh. Connor jerked away and glared a her, before rolling onto his other side.
“Connor, I don’t want you going to school high but… if you’re high- you’re high! You’ve gotta go to school,” she said in that sickeningly sweet voice that she always did when she wanted him to do something. It was like she was talking to a fucking three year old.
Last time Connor checked, he was not a three year old.
“I don’t want to,” Connor said.
“Connor, I know you don’t… We all have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes though,” Cynthia said. “Besides I’m not home today. There will be no one here to be with you.”
“I can stay here alone,” Connor snapped. “Is that not a possibility?”
He sat up quickly and turned to face his mother. Her face said whatever she was going to say. Connor could not be trusted with staying home alone. What did she think he was going to do? Probably what he was going to do.
“Whatever, I’ll go,” Connor snapped, getting up off the bed. He didn’t let her get another word in as he grabbed his bag and went downstairs.
Zoe was waiting in the car alright. She was sitting on the driver's seat, which made perfect sense. He hated how she drove, but he wouldn’t say a word about it. She just wanted to get to school, Connor just wanted to leave. The bright side of each of them having a set of keys; Connor could leave whenever he wanted without her.
Zoe cranked her shitty music loud enough to warrant a groan from Connor. Zoe rolled her eyes, but neither of them spoke. Connor clenched his jaw. Maybe he was overreacting, but he could not stand anything that came out of the speakers when Zoe drove. The headache he had didn’t help either.
Connor was out of the car and inside the school before Zoe had a chance to park.
The benefit of being feared by the entire school was that no one bothered you. It sucked at times, knowing that everyone moves out of your way in the hallway just so they don’t risk a glare or a comment. Connor never physically fought anyone. Never in his life has he thrown a punch. The only act of physical violence was one time in the second grade- he didn’t even know what happened. According to literally anyone, he threw a printer at his teacher. How a second grader managed to throw a fucking printer, well, Connor had no clue. He did it though!
He knew no one was looking at him, but he could feel thousands of eyes burrowing into his skull. He clenched his jaw again, staring ahead of him as he tried to just make it to his destination which, now that he thought about it, was nowhere.
“Hey! Connor, nice hair length… very… school shooter chic,” some idiot said. Connor stared blankly at him. All he wanted was to just be left alone. Was that too much to ask?
. “It was a joke,” he added stupidly. Connor furrowed his eyebrows.
“Oh yeah. It was very funny,” Connor scoffed. “I’m laughing so hard right now,” he added sarcastically. The kid looked shocked that Connor didn’t like his joke.
“Am I not laughing hard enough for you?!” he snapped, walking towards the guy. He wasn’t looking for a fight. He wasn’t looking for trouble. He just wanted to get the fuck away from all these idiots. The guy, who’s name was something like Gerard ( Kleinman? ), scoffed and rolled his eyes.
“You’re such a freak,” he muttered before leaving.
The kid who was standing next to Kleinman laughed. Connor hadn’t even known he was there. Connor clenched his fists.
“What are you laughing at?” Connor barked. The kid looked horrified.
“N-no! No, I just uh, I just…”
“I’m not the freak!” Connor shouted. “You’re the fucking freak!”
All the frustration from the last couple days just bubbled to the surface. Before he even thought about it, he stormed passed him and shoved the kid to the ground. He wasn’t a physical person, but he didn’t feel bad about it. As far as he was concerned, he deserved it. If he didn’t, he took one for the team and got what everyone surrounding Connor deserved.
He pushed open the door to one of the fire exits, ready to just leave and go anywhere but here. Of course he was stopped by Zoe clearing her throat from behind him.
Connor groaned and turned around to look at her.
“What do you want?” he asked. Zoe rolled her eyes.
“You’re a cruel, cruel person Connor,” she said. “You better not be leaving right now. You have classes right away and I’ll tell mom.”
Zoe crossed her arms and cocked her hip to the side.
Connor ran a hand through his hair.
“Whatever. Yeah. I’ll go to class,” Connor said.
“Go on then. Chances are your classes aren’t out the fire exit,” Zoe said. Connor rolled his eyes and shoved his hands in his pockets before pushing past her.
“ You’re such a bitch ,” he muttered once Zoe was out of earshot.
He sat in silence during his first period. His social teacher put him in the front row and it was skin crawling. He could feel every set of eyes on him. There was whispering, probably not about him but most likely about him.
At the end of class, he for sure heard a group of girls talking about hair behind him. One of the girls said something about ‘his hair is too thin for that kind of style honestly ’ then another put in her two cents and they all giggled. Connor bit the inside of his lip.
He put his hood up and made his way down the hall, gripping onto the strap of his bag.
Just… fourteen hours. Fourteen hours more. He could do this without doing anything else stupid. He closed his eyes and stopped at his locker.
A teacher walked by and said, “hood off please.” Connor didn’t listen at first, but then she repeated herself and Connor took it off, smoothing his hair out. His hair was stupid.
He glanced around. Zoe was just down the hallway, standing with a group of friends. They made eye contact for a brief second before Connor slammed his locker shut, making his way to his next class.
That was girl was like a fucking magnet. She always knew where he was. Mom and Dad’s little watchdog.
He sat in the back of the classroom of Mr Henry Kelly’s physics class, arms crossed over each other. Him and Mr Kelly had a very shitty past. He was an old, foul man who probably taught his parents back in the day. It wasn’t Connor’s fault he sucked at physics and it wasn’t his fault he always skipped last period last year to get high instead of going to his stupid class. Connor had other interests other than distance over speed equals gravitational pull or whatever the fuck physics was about.
He didn’t even know why he was taking the damn class again.
The bell rang and the class settled down. Connor tucked one of his earbuds in, using his hair to hide it from plain sight.
Mr Kelly slowly went through the names on the list, not bothering to look up at which student called out here when their name was called.
There was a loud sigh, before Kelly looked up to the rest of the class.
“Should I even bother calling Connor Murphy’s name?” he asked. A small wave of laughter spread throughout the class and Connor fidgeted with the wire of his headphones.
“Yeah I’m here,” he called out, tacking “ asshole ” on the end, just under his breath.
Kelly made a sound of approval (more like shock) before continuing on with the stupid list. Connor put his other earbud in and closed his eyes, running his hand down his face.
Thirteen and a half hours and he was done. Home free.
He didn’t hear a single word Mr Kelly said, and he was the very first person out of the classroom and down the hall when the bell rang.
Connor made his way down to his locker before walking down the hallway. He could spend his lunch hour getting high under the bleachers and then after school he’d take the car and leave Zoe to walk home and he’d be gone.
He paused as he passed the computer lab, just beside the library.
He sighed heavily as he watched the kid he had pushed over type something. The printer went off next to the door and Connor took a hesitant step into the classroom.
If he was never going to be seen again, he wanted to do at least one nice thing for someone.
The kid was still sitting at the computer desk, staring blankly ahead of him. Connor gnawed on his lip. He grabbed the piece of paper and glanced down at it. Dear Evan Hansen . Evan Hansen- yeah, that sounded like that was the kids name. It rang a bell, somewhere in the back of Connor’s mind.
He hesitantly approached him, as if the kid was going to crumble to ash if Connor touched him.
Connor looked down at the letter, before putting his hand to his side.
He asked how he broke his arm, but the words didn’t come out at all. Instead his mouth just moved. He cleared his throat and tried again.
“How’d you uh, break it?” Connor asked, pointing to the kid- Evan’s arm. As if he didn’t know what Connor was talking about . Evan visibly jumped and Connor felt his stomach drop. It shouldn’t have surprised him. He was that kind of person but…
“Sorry?” Evan asked. The kid looked like he was about to cry.
“Your arm?”
“Oh! I uh, fell out of a tree.” Evan looked down at his cast. Connor raised his eyebrows and he couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.
“Well… that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” he said, a hint of humor to his voice. Evan blushed and nodded. Connor found himself staring at Evan’s cast. Evan said something, but none of it processed.
“No one’s signed it,” Connor pointed out. Evan’s face dropped again and he shrugged.
“No I uh, I know,” Evan said.
“I could sign it?” Connor said. Evan hesitated.
“Oh no you really don’t have to do that-” Evan said.
Connor dismissed it. He was signing that damn cast and doing something nice for someone. Why he wanted to do this, he had no idea but he was doing it.
“Do you have a sharpie?” Connor asked. Evan nodded and pulled one out of his back pocket.
Connor tugged on the cast, internally cringing as Evan let out a painful yelp. He mentally apologized to him, before writing his name on Evan’s cast. He figured no one else was going to sign it, so he decided to sign it as large as he could.
Evan didn’t like it. Connor knew it from the second he put the lid on the sharpie back and Evan looked at it. Why would he like it though? He had the school psycho's name on his arm now. Why did Connor do that?
“Oh uh, thanks,” Evan said, though his voice lacked gratefulness. Granted, Connor didn’t know what grateful sounded like.
“Now we can both pretend we have friends,” Connor said with a small smile, handing Evan the sharpie. Evan nodded subtly and smiled. It almost looked like he was about to say something, but Connor cut him off.
“Is this yours?” Connor asked. “It says your name on the top- Dear Evan Hansen, that’s your name right?” he said, holding the paper towards Evan.
“Oh! Yeah it was a uh, an assignment,” Evan said. Connor was about to hand it back, but one of the lines caught his eye. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked from the letter to Evan.
“Because there’s Zoe?” Connor said. That same frustration was bubbling up once again. “You wrote this ‘cause you saw me in here, right? So you could tell everyone how I lashed out over nothing- that I made a fool of myself, right?” Connor asked bitterly. The words didn’t feel real. He thought maybe Evan would be the one kid out of everyone in this fucking school who wouldn’t pick on him one way or another.
Evan tried to justify his case but Connor wasn’t having any of it.
“Well that’s not going to fucking happen Hansen! Fuck you,” Connor spat. There was a split second before he shoved Evan to the ground again. He instantly regret it, but he pushed the feelings to the side. This kid was just like every other asshole at this school. Just because he had a stutter and no friends didn’t make him any different.
“ Of course the world is just filled with assholes ” Connor muttered. He haphazardly folded up the note and tucked it into his pocket.
Just under thirteen hours and he was gone.
He didn’t need to be here. He didn’t see Zoe hunting him like a hawk. He left through the nearest exit and just walked. Connor left the car and just walked.
He lit a cigarette as he walked. Gradually his walking slowed to an average pace. He found a small path around the back of some houses and he walked down it, switching his cigarette out for a joint.
He wanted to do one nice thing. Just one. Of course he was big scary Connor Murphy and he couldn’t do that. Maybe it was better off this way though. He lived his life being an asshole surrounded by other assholes, so naturally that was how he was going to go.
Connor refused to refer to his plans as what it was. That just made it real. He wanted it to be real, he did, but it still hadn’t fully processed. He had been planning this since June. He waited so long because he thought September wouldn’t come. It did though, and he was going to follow through.
No letter, and across town in a park where they wouldn’t think to look. They wouldn’t look anyways. Connor could disappear for a week and a half without a word and no one would care. They’d probably all be relieved.
If it weren’t for the fact that he had left his bottle of pills at home, he wouldn’t even bother going back there. He didn’t want to see any of them, and surely they didn’t want to see him.
He gripped his joint as the path led him back to the back field of the school. A gym class was running around the track. Connor let his jaw relax.
He left to get away from the school, not to come back to it. At least now he was a bit buzzed.
He walked passed the class without a single person batting their eye. It would take him an hour and a half to get home if he walked quick enough. He could get his things and leave before Zoe got back if he hurried.
It wasn’t like he was going back to the school anyways.
Connor turned his music up as loud as it would go as he walked, picking up his pace until he was passed the school, out of eye distance.
Connor listened to a lot of laid back indie type music, of course with the occasional punk band thrown in there. Most of them were artists no one had heard about. The downside to all of this was that, combined with his shitty dollar store headphones, was that the maximum volume on his phone wasn’t nearly enough to block out the rest of the world.
It actually took him two hours to get back home. No one was home when he got there. Cynthia would be out until four- aquasize with her friends- and Larry was off doing important business man stuff.
He picked the lock to his parents bedroom and grabbed his medication from the bathroom, before grabbing a bottle of leftover painkillers just as a precaution. He tucked the two into his sweaters pocket before leaving, making sure to lock his parent’s room once again.
His phone buzzed as he sat in the kitchen. He still had time before he needed to leave. The bus he planned on taking didn’t come until four anyways.
From Zoe: If youre not outside in five minutes im leaving without you .
To Zoe: no need sis, I’m already home :)
From Zoe: you skipped didnt you?
To Zoe: :)
Connor tucked his phone away in his pocket. He filled up a water bottle and put it on the counter. Oh what he’d give to be the kind of person who could dry swallow pills but no, he needed water to do it.
He debated grabbing some sort of bag, but decided against it. It was just a water bottle. He could hold onto it.
His phone buzzed twice but Connor ignored it. He went up to his room and plugged it in before laying on his bed, putting the water bottle on bedside table. He’d wait a few minutes and then go before Zoe got home.
Of course, that never happened. Somehow he found himself sitting at the dinner table, not saying a single word as he picked at the canned peas on his plate. He should have left when he had the chance. He hadn’t been caught with stealing the pills which were still in his pocket, the bottles stuffed with toilet paper so the pills wouldn’t rattle as he moved around.
“Connor you’re awfully quiet,” Cynthia said. Connor looked up to her and forced a small smile. She frowned.
“How was school?” she asked.
Eight hours and he was out of their lives for good.
“Connor wouldn’t know,” Zoe stepped in. She looked directly at Connor. “Connor skipped over half of the day.”
Connor glared at her before looking back to his food.
“You skipped? Connor,” Cynthia said, her disapproving motherly tone seeping into Connor’s skin. Connor scowled before shaking his head. He stood up from the table without a word and went to his room.
He ignored the entire family calling him to come back down, then the hushed whispers of Cynthia telling Zoe to apologize for being so rude.
Connor rolled his eyes and grabbed his water bottle, phone and the one bus ticket he had taken from Cynthia’s purse earlier today.
He managed to sneak out the front door as everyone was bickering. He could have sworn he heard Cynthia call out to him, but it was probably to keep him from going out and there was no way he was staying inside that house.
Connor didn’t feel real. He felt like a character in someone’s shitty fanfiction, poorly written and designed to be the broken kid who needed fixing. There was some sort of angsty love story to come into play, but Connor wasn’t going to see it happen.
The bus driver didn’t question why Connor was on the verge of tears as he slipped his ticket into the compartment. He handed Connor a transfer slip and Connor found his seat, resting his head against the cool glass.
As he sat, he tugged out the neatly folded piece of paper. It was Evan’s stupid letter. He sighed and unfolded it before skimming through the entire letter.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?
I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different.
I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Your most best, and dearest friend, Me
The only thing Connor could think about as he folded the letter back up was about how much of an asshole he was. The poor kid felt just like him, and instead of trying to help Connor shoved him and yelled at him just for putting Zoe’s name on the letter once.
He would never admit it, but tears were steadily falling from his eyes as he got off the bus and walked down the path of the park just outside of it. He wasn’t at Jefferson Park. He wasn’t going to ruin his favourite place. Besides, if he did go there he’d go to his clearing hidden off of the path, he’d never be found.
Selfishly enough, he wanted someone to find his body in the morning.
Connor found a comfortable spot just beside the river and sat down, taking a quick sip of his water.
It was only nine thirty. The sun was still resting over the horizon, brushing him with a warm glow. He still had a few hours to wait. There were still a few people walking around the path. He wanted to be alone.
So, to kill the time he turned on his music and finished off the last of his cigarettes and joints. The last of it burned out just before midnight.
High as a kite and crying enough to make a second river, Connor uncapped the first bottle and swallowed the pills five at a time, before doing the same with the second bottle.
Then, he laid down on the dirt and turned up his music.
Less than an hour and he was home free.