Chapter Text
They were taking a vacation on Earth because, you know, they deserve it. Hey, saving the entire Galaxy is a lot of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears. So yes Garrus (and the rest of the non-human crew) was very excited to see the birth planet of his human friends. When they landed they were greeted by shouts and camera flashes. There were so many people trying to get to them the security was having trouble keeping them away. Before anyone actually made it to them despite the walls and Krogan-sized security agents Shepard took out her gun and shot a few warning shots. It was dead silence.
“You have exactly thirty seconds to clear out before I start shooting people.” It took everyone exactly twelve seconds to clear out even the security, yes he counted. He couldn’t believe this was his captain. “Garrus, I don’t have the patience for these vultures.” Did she have to use violence to solve everything? Violence couldn’t solve all her problems. “If violence isn’t solving all your problems you simply aren’t using enough of it.” Famous last words, he will have them engraved on her headstone. “I don’t understand why you are complaining, that is how we got rid of the reapers after all.” Point made, he should also stop thinking out loud. “Nah continue, we are all enjoying it.”
The rooms they got were wonderful. Each crew member got their own room. The rooms each had a gigantic bed, a bar, a luxurious bathroom, and a scenic view. So like any other Galaxy saving heroes they spent the first day sleeping. The next morning they all met up in Joker’s room and ordered pretty much everything on the menu. Well, Shepard did, the rest of them ordered one dish each. “Hey, it isn’t my fault they gave us an unlimited card.” The Earth’s government probably didn’t realize how much Shepard could spend in one day.
After that enormous breakfast which ended with Shepard, Grunt, Wrex, and surprisingly Liara having an eating contest which Liara won, they all went down to the pool. No not everyone was swimming no matter how much Shepard tried to make them.
“I already told you Shepard turians don’t float. We sink like rocks.”
“Well then use this floaty.”
“I am not wearing that yellow abomination Shepard.”
It took exactly twenty minutes for the worst words in the world to leave Shepard’s mouth.
“I am bored,” Garrus will come to hate and fear these words when they come from a human. When a human utters those dreaded words run for the hills because something VERY stupid and dangerous is about to happen.
“This is too dull, let’s do something fun and exciting,” another sentence you don’t want to hear a human use.
“We could go drink ourselves stupid,” was Kaidan’s dumb idea.
“Nah we’ll save that for tonight.”
“How about skydiving?” Was Ashley’s idea.
“Brilliant, let’s go.”
“Nah, I think I’ll pass glass bones and all that.”
“Come on Joker you can pair up with Miranda. She’s a biotic so even if something goes wrong you’ll have a smooth landing.”
“You fine with that?”
“I don’t mind.”
“Let’s go.”
“Wait what is skydiving?”
“… You’ll see Garrus, you’ll see,” he really should have insisted on an explanation beforehand.
•─────⋅ᓚᘏᗢ⋅─────•
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN WE JUMP?!?!” Was the calmly asked question by every single non-human crew member, except for the two krogans. Grunt and Wrex were grinning, fucking krogans.
“Exactly what I said, when the doors open we all one by one jump out. What did you think skydiving would be?” Shepard calmly explained to them. Ash and Kaidan were calmly talking in a corner, Jack and Jacob were arguing about who should go first, Joker and Miranda were strapped together in some sort of bizarre turtle-like carry with Joker whooping in excitement.
“We are NOT jumping out of a FLYING plane,” said Liara like Shepard was a bit on the slow side of things.
“Look it is completely safe. Even if you forget to pull the parachute free or the string breaks off, which it will not do, it will automatically release it when you are on a certain height.” None of them were convinced. “If you want back on firm ground you will have to jump. If you are scared we can strap you together like we did with them.” She pointed to Joker and Miranda.
“I will jump on my own,” Samara calmly agreed.
“I want a partner,” said Liara.
“I want a partner too,” agreed Tali.
“Great. Jacob get your ass over here you are with Tali, Ash you are with Liara,” she yelled at the two crew members. With a groan, Jacob came over while Jack looked smug. Within moments the two pairs were strapped together and Shepard turned to Garrus.
“I am not jumping,” he glared at her. Thankfully before she could say anything the instructor started talking.
“Alright everyone come here and listen up. I’m about to open the door. So who is going first?” He asked and Jack walked forward.
The next moment the doors were opened and Jack was out with a war cry. Grunt and Wrex followed after her almost trampling over the instructor in the process. Miranda and Joker followed with Joker whooping in joy and Miranda about as unemotional as ever. Kaidan followed with a shout of “Geronimo!” whatever that meant. Next were Ashley and Liara, Ash with a delighted laugh and Liara screaming in fright. Samara followed with a sigh. Tali seemed excited as Jacob took the dive. It was only Garrus and Shepard now.
“Hey Garrus,” he turned around to look at Shepard. “This is Sparta!” She said before she kicked, the bitch actually kicked him, off the plain. Garrus went down with a frightened scream that was just a tad bit too high-pitched. He had a nice view of Shepard jumping out seconds after him with the biggest grin in history.
“Flip around Garrus,” she said as she caught up to him. As she passed him she grabbed his arm and flipped him over so he was staring down at the ground, the rapidly approaching ground. All he could do was scream and curse humanity. He ignored Jack and Kaidan who were doing flips, Tali who was whooping in joy, two krogan war cries and Shepard’s happy laughter. He didn’t notice when people started pulling parachutes free. He was suddenly jerked back and was slowly gliding toward the ground. All he could do was grip the straps around his chest, curl up, and stare at the ground.
“I’m alive!” Liara was yelling somewhere above him to his left.
“This wasn’t so bad, kind of exciting,” that would be Samara.
“We told you,” was Ash’s answer.
“I love humans,” one of the two krogans said, he wasn’t sure which one.
“Can we go again?!” What was Tali thinking? Again? They weren’t even back on the ground yet!
“I think Garrus isn’t quite ready for that,” Shepard answered her. They continued to slowly glide down. Fucking insane space cockroaches that see mortality as a challenge, he was going to kill Shepard.
“You know after this we might as well go and do bungee jumping. Always wanted to do that,” was Jack’s suggestion.
“Sure!” Wait what?
•─────⋅ᓚᘏᗢ⋅─────•
“I am not jumping,” he said while gripping the low fence behind him, his claws were leaving dents in the metal.
“Then why did you let them strap you in?” Asked Kaidan, all Garrus could do was glare at the human over his shoulder.
“Come on Garrus it isn’t that bad!” Tali was jelling at him from a boat somewhere below, he was too scared to look.
“Really Garrus this isn’t as bad as skydiving.”
“Hey Garrus,” he glanced at Shepard. “This is Sparta!” And with that, the bitch kicked him to his death… AGAIN!
“Shepard NOOOOOOOoOOooOoooooOoooo!”
“You know he reminds me of a toy flopping around like that.”
“Like a yo-yo?”
“Nah, but something similar, can’t remember what it’s called.”
“Is he trying to grip the air?”
“I think he is trying to fly away.”
“He is returning to his bird roots.”
“Looks like he isn’t one that flies,” they all looked down as Garrus was lowered into a boat and unstrapped.
“Okay, who is next?”
“I’ll go!” Kaidan was already stepping over the fence.
Meanwhile down below…
“Oi!” Tali, Jack, Grunt, Samara and Miranda turned to a small wooden boat waiting by the shore. “Is this space dinosaur chicken yours?” The driver asked pointing down at the floor. They all looked and saw Garrus gripping the wooden floor looking like a scared cartoon cat while muttering curses.
“Yeah, he is ours.”
“Well take him out before he puts a hole in my boat.”
“Fucking adrenaline junkies,” they all heard the turian mutter.
“… Can we leave him?”