Chapter Text
Ba Sing Se was a black hole that had sucked Zuko’s uncle straight into it. The old man had immediately gone on about making a life because “life would happen wherever they were” or something. But Zuko didn’t want this place to be where his life happened, he wanted to go home. He was tired of dealing with crabby customers and insignificant pay. He was tired of having to constantly think about the budget for himself and Uncle. He was just plain tired, most of the time. Being home would mean that Zuko wouldn’t have to worry about money or safety or his father’s love anymore. Because if he could go home, it would mean his father’s love and respect had returned.
Then again, home was a distant concept now. And wasn’t that just salt on his wound? He’d been obsessed with the idea of home for the years he was gone. The idea of his mother and their family being happy. Summers on Ember Island and the moments when Azula acted like the little kid that people forgot she was. The days when he trained with Master Piandao. All these moments Zuko dearly missed. But he’d been reflecting on his wish for home and was starting to see the flawed logic in it.
Really, the reflecting had started from Uncle’s advice. Rare as it was, his true advice was annoyingly well placed. Zuko had gone on and on about recapturing the Avatar as the two had traveled across the Earth Kingdom toward Ba Sing Se and its’ relative safety. He’d been so close at the North Pole! The Avatar had been with him and in a state unable to fight him about it. It had been luck that the Avatar’s friends had shown up and taken him back. Zuko was so close, he just had to get the kid again. A few weeks into listening to Zuko’s plans to follow the Avatar again, a few days before they had reached Full Moon Bay with passports procured from Uncle’s weird-and-definitely-not-a-simple-Pai-Sho-enthusiast friend, and Iroh had lost patience.
“And what would you do if you captured him, hm? Sail back to the Fire Nation on a boat that we do not have? You are not thinking things through, Prince Zuko!”
Zuko had stopped walking on the empty road, the bay for hopeless refugees still far away. “I would think of something.”
“I’m sure you would try. But the same thing happened at the North Pole. You had him, and then you didn’t know what to do.”
“I was waiting for the storm to end!”
“No! You were out of options and had no plan to follow through with! If the Avatar’s friends had not found you, you both would have died.”
“We wouldn’t have died!”
“Yes, you would! And do you know what would have happened if you did? I would have lost another son! And I would not even have had a body to bury this time!” Iroh had reached a breaking point in that moment of the conversation. His eyes were watery, and his voice was loud and commanding. Zuko had thought his uncle must be reliving the time just before Lu Ten had died. He didn’t know the details of his cousin’s death, but he knew it had hit Uncle harder than he could handle. “I cannot live through that pain again.” Iroh had said, much softer.
Zuko’d had no retort, especially for his uncle’s last sentence. So, they had continued along the path again. The silence was heavy. Eventually, Iroh had spoken one last time about the subject.
“I think you need to look at your wishes and plans. Think of your ultimate goal, nephew, and how you must get there. Because I know you, and I do not think your true goal is the one you continue to pursue. And how you have gone about pursuing it is unlike you as well. It is not my place to tell you your destiny. But it is my duty to you to set you on the path to it. Think, nephew. You do not have to come to your answer straight away, but think. Who are you and what do you truly long for? This question is difficult and took me years to answer for myself. And sometimes the answer changes. But I must tell you to start asking yourself the same question. You must change your thinking, lest you destroy yourself on your current path.”
Zuko hadn’t had an answer for Uncle then, and he still didn’t now that they were stuck in the city. The things he wanted, his mother and the life he’d lived as a child, were unattainable. Zuko wasn’t an idiot, he knew that time could not rewind. But if he was not fighting for his old life and honor, then he was fighting for nothing at all. So Zuko had been mentally stuck in a blank in-between state. He didn’t know what he wanted. Uncle seemed to know but wouldn’t give him any more insight. And throughout it all, he was still nothing but a disgraced and dishonored prince waiting tables for practically no pay. All he could seem to do was serve stupid tea and be annoyed at the stupid stalking from stupid Jet.
But Zuko, or Lee, continued to reflect during his days. He knew the tone that Iroh used when he was giving real advice and wanted you to listen. His uncle was actually wise when he wasn’t using confusing proverbs. So, despite Zuko not wanting to make a life, he had made a routine. Get up, work at the tea shop (Zuko had been incensed with himself when he’d started recognizing and becoming friendly with some of the regular customers), avoid spirits-damned Jet, come back to the apartment to sleep and reflect. On the weekends, do the shopping and budget the money. Zuko was falling into the black hole of the peaceful routine. And each day he thought less about the Avatar.