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“STUPID- PATHETIC- HUMANS-!!!!” The Great and Terrible Papyr-Edge. Edge does NOT deal with raccoon problems. Okay- They said it was a thief, not a raccoon, but it was obviously being dramatized! If you call ‘human’ for every wolf monster, no one’s going to believe you! Or- well- what was the human version of that saying? NEVERMIND. Why should he care????
Edge repeatedly kicked a soda can in a back alley, waiting for some supposed thief. Couldn’t they have chosen someone else for this???
Something shuffled underneath one of the dumpsters.
“HA!” The thing flinched at Edge’s voice- “I KNEW IT WAS A RACCOON!” The thing scurried further under the dumpster. Edge walked over to it, bending down to look under it. “YOU’RE JUST A PATHETIC LITTLE FERAL- WHAT THE HELL?!?!??!” Edge got a knife to the face, and he stepped back from the dumpster.
Maybe it was a thief after all.
Still pathetic and little and feral though!
Edge stepped back up to the dumpster, this time more on guard. “I KNOW YOU’RE UNDER THERE! I CAN LIFT THIS THING, YOU KNOW!” Edge heard the thing scuffling. Edge stood there for a moment, before he heard a quiet clang. He sighed in annoyance, and lifted the dumpster up.
And this, children, is why we shouldn’t have storm drains this large. Seriously, a bear could probably fit through that thing.
“DAMN IT.”
…
Nic kicked open the door to his little shack, balancing multiple boxes carefully.
“HELLOOOOOOO, SATAN!” He yelled, dumping the boxes unceremoniously onto the floor. A husky ran up to him. “Aww, aren’t you such a bad little girl~?” Nic gushed, leaning down to scratch at the dog’s ears. “Yes you are, Satan, you’re such a little hellhound~ oh yes, oh, yes, don’t worry. I got some little boxes for you too…” Nic picked up one of the boxes, opening it and going back outside with it. Satan followed. They went over to a makeshift fire pit, Nic leaning down to rearrange some of the stones, and the sticks left from last time. Satan went off to get some more sticks, and when she came back, Nic pet her affectionately and took the sticks, arranging them in the firepit and lighting them with an old zippo lighter. Then he stood back, dusting off his faded trousers. It’d be a few minutes before it was hot enough to cook on, so he figured he might as well start prep. Honestly, it’s amazing the stuff people just throw away…!! He had managed to get a full package of hot dogs- they weren’t even expired, why would someone throw them away?
Not much later, Nic and Satan munched on their food, Nic occasionally reaching down to pet the other.
Edge stormed into the mansion (the mansion, not his mansion, he kept reminding himself), slamming the door hard enough to make the whole frame shake. His usually spotless coat, covered in dirt and bits of garbage, was flung across the room without a second thought. The look on his face was a mix of fury and indignation, like someone had just insulted his entire lineage.
Pact, seated at the kitchen table, glanced up from his food, raising an eyebrow. arms were folded over his chest, and his expression was neutral, but there was a hint of amusement in his voice. “Oh look,” he muttePact, taking a bite of his burger. “Boss is back. How was the big thief hunt?”
Edge shot him a venomous look. “DON’T START WITH ME,” he snapped, dragging a chair out from the table and dropping into it with a heavy thud. “You won’t believe the kind of ridiculous nonsense they had me doing today. Some idiot calls about a ‘thief,’ says it's some sneaky mastermind—gets me all the way across the district—and what do I find? A pathetic little street rat hiding under a dumpster.”
Pact didn’t flinch, calmly chewing his burger. “Uh-huh. So... a raccoon?”“It wasn’t a raccoon!” Edge barked, slamming his fist down on the table. “It was some low-life who thought he could hide from me! They’re out here calling me for this? I’m supposed to be guarding more important things than some alleyway full of trash.”
Pact leaned back, unimpressed. “Well, when you’re the big man in charge, Chief, I guess everyone thinks you’ve got time for every little problem. Sounds like they’re keeping ya on your toes.”
Edge’s face twisted in frustration. “I’m a high-ranking officer! Back home, they would’ve had me handling the security of the capital, not chasing some street-level thief like a glorified rat catcher.” He crossed his arms, fuming.
“At least ya caught it. Woulda been pathetic if it got awayyyyyyyyy… you didn’t catch it?!” Pact asked incredulously, starting to laugh as he read his brother’s expression.
“UGH! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! There was a storm drain under the dumpster, if you must know, and it stabbed me in the eye!”
Pact leaned forward, his laughter growing louder as he struggled to catch his breath. “Wait, wait—stabbed you? So, not only did you get stuck with some low-life thief job, but they actually shanked you and ran?”
Edge shot him a death glare, pointing at the faint cut on the side of his face. “It’s not funny, Pact.”
“Oh, it’s hilarious, Chief,” Pact wheezed, wiping tears from his eyes. “You went out there all high and mighty—and got stabbed by some sewer rat with a knife and they still got away! You couldn’t write this stuff!”
“I swear, if they call me for one more of these low-tier jobs, I’m going to—” Edge stopped himself, gritting his teeth as Pact’s laughter continued.
Pact finally leaned back, still grinning. “Don’t worry, Chief. I’m sure next time, you’ll get ‘em before they slip through the storm drain. Just maybe watch your eye next time, yeah?”
Edge growled, but this time, the anger wasn’t as sharp. “Next time, I’m dropping the whole damn dumpster on them.”
Pact shook his head, his perma-grin painfully wide. “I’ll bring popcorn. In the meantime…”
Edge groaned, starting to walk away already.
“Go see Pyre!” Pact yelled. “Ya bleedin’!”
“I WAS GOING TO!! I’M NOT THAT STUPID!!! LESS STUPID THAN YOU AT LEAST.”
Edge muttered under his breath, still stewing but not quite as firedt up. “If they call me for something like this again, I swear I’m going to...” His voice trailed off, and he ran a hand through his nonexistent hair. “Whatever. It’s their problem now.”
Pact let out a short laugh as he opened the fridge. “Sure, Chief. Just make sure you don’t let another raccoon slip through your fingers.”
Edge grabbed an apple from the table and chucked it at him, but Pact easily dodged it. Edge went the rest of the way upstairs, knocking on Pyre’s door. He’d known Pyre long enough to notice that he really was as selfless as he advertised.
And part of Edge hated that.
Not because he thought less of Pyre, but because a small, nagging part of him was... jealous. That kind of pure, unwavering selflessness was something Edge had never fully mastered upon entering this world—nor did he think he ever could. Pyre was a constant reminder of how little patience he had, of how much hate was still shoved inside of him.
Not that it mattered. If he went back… The remaining hate would be useful. He shoved the thought aside, however. There was no point in dwelling on something like that.
After a moment, the door creaked open. Edge straightened up, his expression shifting back to neutral. This wasn’t the time to get lost in thoughts about who deserved what.
Pyre opened the door fully, his bright smile immediately lighting up the room. “Edge! What happened to your face?!” he asked, stepping aside to let him in.
Edge grumbled under his breath, but walked inside, hand brushing against the small cut on his cheek. “I just need this patched up. Nothing major.”
“Sure, sure. But you did get stabbed by something, didn’t you?” Pyre grabbed a small first-aid kit from a shelf. “Sit down, tough guy. Let me take a look.”
Edge, still frowning, sank into the nearest chair, allowing Pyre to hover over him. As Pyre rummaged through the kit, humming to himself, Edge let out a sigh. The usual sharpness in his demeanor had softened now that Pyre was fussing over him like a mother hen.
“Honestly, I don’t know why you don’t come to me sooner when this stuff happens,” Pyre said, gently tilting Edge’s chin to get a better look at the cut. His hands were surprisingly steady. “Could’ve avoided that whole ‘infected wound’ situation last time, Nyeheheh.”
Edge rolled his eyes. “I’ve had worse. This is nothing.”
“That’s exactly what you said last time, and look where that got you!” Pyre started cleaning the cut with a soft touch, dabbing at the wound with antiseptic. “I swear, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you liked making my job harder!”
Edge grunted in response, but the usual snark was absent. It was hard to snap at Pyre when he was being... well, Pyre. The guy never let anything faze him, and it was irritatingly comforting at times like this. For a few moments, the room was filled with the quiet sounds of Pyre working. The bandage was applied with the kind of precision that came from someone who had patched up far worse injuries in the past.
“NYEH. What did happen?” Pyre queried suddenly.
“...Thief.” Though Edge trusted Pyre, he wasn’t quite ready for the amount of teasing he was sure he would get from the happy-go-lucky version of himself. It would seem pathetic even to a (better) person like Pyre.
Pyre, predictably, perked up. “A thief, huh? Oh man, you really do get all the exciting jobs!” His eyes lit up with curiosity, and Edge could practically feel the questions bubbling up. “Was it a big job? A heist? Ooooh, was it one of those ‘phantom thief’ types? You know, the ones that vanish into thin air—poof!”
Edge groaned inwardly. He’d known this was coming. “No,” he said shortly, not looking at Pyre. “It wasn’t that kind of thief.”
Pyre didn’t seem deterred, though. “Not a phantom thief then... So, what, some regular guy? I bet they had some tricks up their sleeve! You get them in the end, right?”
The question hit a nerve, and Edge stiffened even more. He knew Pyre meant well, but the fact that he’d let the thief get away still stung.
Edge’s voice dropped, becoming more guarded. “They slipped away. Down a storm drain. Wasn’t worth the chase.”
For a moment, Pyre didn’t say anything, but Edge could sense the wheels turning in his head.
“Well I’m sure you’ll get them next time! You’re like, super strong, aren’t you. Nyeheheh. Even stronger than the Great Papp-Pyre.”
Edge glanced at Pyre, eyebrow raised.
Pyre puffed out his chest dramatically, grinning from ear to ear. “You heard me! The Great-legendary even-Pyre! Strongest of the strong, fastest of the fast! Nyeheheh.” He flexed an arm with exaggerated bravado before breaking into a laugh. “But even I must bow down to the might of Edge, Thief Hunter Extraordinaire!”
Edge groaned, rolling his eyes. “I’m not playing into this.”
But Pyre, undeterred, continued his performance. “Oh, come on! You’re like the unstoppable force, right? No mere storm drain can stand between you and justice! Next time, you’ll lift that thing like it’s made of paper—wham!” He mimed throwing a storm drain lid aside with ridiculous effort, his whole body moving in a dramatic flourish.
Edge fought to keep his expression neutral, but Pyre’s antics were relentless.
“Nyeheheh, you’ll show that thief what happens when you cross THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE EDGE!” Pyre said, poking Edge’s shoulder as if nudging him into playing along. “Stronger than me, faster than lightning, and no one, not even raccoons, can escape you forever!”
Edge’s lips twitched, fighting back a smile. Pyre had heard the conversation downstairs, that little eavesdropper. He hated to admit it, but Pyre’s relentless optimism was wearing him down. “Yeah, well... next time I’ll catch them before they scurry into the gutter.”
“That’s the spirit!” Pyre clapped him on the back, his grin wide and genuine. “I’ll bring snacks for when you do. We’ll celebrate! Raccoon-proof snacks, just in case.”
Edge let out a long, defeated sigh, but this time there was no edge to it. “You’re ridiculous.”
“And yet, here you are, patched up and ready to go!” Pyre sang, clearly pleased with himself.
Both of himselves. He was glad to see Edge so happy.