Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I was running. Always remembering my mother's words before they found us. Before they bit her lungs apart. Before there was nothing else to her but their monstrous gurgles and the blood that was spilling from her body.

Run Arla! There is no point in watching me die! Run and don’t stop!

So I did.

I ran past the decaying, but still walking figures, that were too obsessed with my mother to even notice me, and ran into the hallway. There was one of those things hovering over another poor human that had been too weak for them. It was done with its meal and turned around to face me. I grabbed my dagger, dodged its uncoordinated try to get a hold of me and slit its throat. I continued running until I saw the stairs. There were more coming from downstairs.

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Always more. Where did they all come from? It had been weeks since the first of those things had been sighted to crawl out from one of the catacomb systems of the city. They looked like they once had been humans, only way smaller. Like children? They were utterly wrong in just every sense. Their flesh rotting from their own bones and their eyes coated with what seemed like a milky texture. They looked gruesome but fragile, which led to the mistake of thinking that our government, the army to be precise, could handle those bastards. I was one of those army people. They gave me weapons and orders to strike the thing down, and we did. But it didn’t stop there, boy when did it ever stop at those points.

We went down into the catacombs and found out that there were an abomination that seemed to breed those creatures. We managed to take that perversion down, under heavy losses. Those of us that made it out alive, had to go through some throughout screening. Some of my comrades claimed that they were hearing things akin to a lullaby. And that it was getting louder. Then the inevitable thing happened. One of those people snapped, tore the other officers in half as if it was nothing. Turned out that the blood from those things was infectious. Everyone that had been tested positive for the bacteria had to be taken down. I lost some of my closest friends through that. Things got out of hands after that. More of those creatures came from underground and nobody knew where exactly they were coming from. But it wasn’t just here, it seemed like the whole world was getting sick. Those things kept coming like a plague that no one had a cure for. For every creature I shot down, another four seemed to simply appear. When my superiors finally admitted that there was no fighting it, we gathered everyone that was still healthy and tried to build an infection-free zone. Turned out the government had been somewhat prepared for disasters like this. I wonder if they knew what those fuckers were and kept it hidden from the rest of us. Doesn’t matter anymore, though. We were all going to die, some sooner, some later.

Researchers worked eagerly to invent a cure, and came up with something that could reverse the process of turning in due time. We did not have the possibility to gather the resources in order to improve the medication and speed up the healing. And we did not have the time and the means to heal everyone, but we soldiers and the other more privileged ones each got a vial with the medication. Then some of the families that couldn’t get their treatment quick enough to heal their children and other relatives, snapped. And in a very impulsive and ill-advised moment, they opened the gates and flooded us with the creatures from the outside. I could hardly blame them. Grief turned a lot of our people blind with rage.

And as I said, we were all going to die anyways.

That was when I found out those bastards had made their way to the building complex me and my mother had been staying in.

I had no time to get myself any weapons besides my daggers that I always had with me and by the time I reached our room, my mother had already been cornered by those beasts. I screamed in agony and fought my way through them, but they were by far too many.

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When I reached the stairs, I tried and failed miserably to shake the picture of my dying mother out of my head. I knew that now was not the time to mourn.

But when would there ever be? If I were to die, if we all were to die, then where was the point in running?

In a moment of weakness, I decided to make my way to the top of the building, instead to the entrance. The rooftop was empty, of course, and I took the few seconds of silence to regain myself. I got down to my knees and screamed as loud as I could, letting out all the angst and frustration and the grief I had within myself before I walked over to the border of the building. If I really had to die, I would decide how and when.

When I heard the leeching squirms behind me, I knew what to do.

With my newfound resolution, I took a step forward and then jumped head first into the abyss.

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Death was strange.

I don’t know what I had expected to happen after I die, but this was simply not it. There was no soft whisper that guided me into the light or someone that would judge my life or whatever. I could have even accepted nothingness, but this was everything and nothing at the same time.

My surrounding felt surreal like it had forgotten how physique and the laws of nature worked. Water was flowing backwards and uphill, and the air around me felt different. There was a light buzzing inside my brain which seemed to resonate with the gentle swirling of wind around me. My skin tingled from head to toe.

I walked towards a little river and tried to brace myself for my own reflection. I expected to see my broken body or something. But when I did see myself, I almost forgot to breathe.

not that this would do anything, considering I am already dead.

I was nothing but a ball of light.

Then why do I feel like I have legs and arms and whatnot?

"Because it is what your brain tells you. Your conscience is trying to mimic what it knows to be real. For you, it is a real body.“ A voice said behind me. I jumped in surprise, completely forgetting that I had no legs to jump with. When I turned around I saw a woman. She seemed to be somewhat translucent and possessed pointy ears. But other than that, her body seemed to be perfectly intact. She wore a very warm smile on her face as she moved closer to me.

"I can see that this seems to be completely new to you, then. Tell me, child, of what nature are you? I can sense wisdom in you, but also sorrow and fortitude. Have you just been born?“

I was completely lost. She was still smiling and genuinely seemed wanting to help me. So I tried to think about her question. "I do not know. I might be all of what you enlisted and maybe even more. I don’t think that characters can be defined by only a few traits.“ That answer seemed to surprise her and satisfy her at the same time. "I see.“ She simply said, the kind smile never leaving her face. "Do you have a name, then?“ she asked while looking at me with growing curiosity.

"Yes, my name is Arla.“ Her eyes widened at that and she nodded. "Arla. A place to call home. How fitting.“ I did not understand what she meant but nodded nonetheless.

We spent our time in comfortable silence after that. I was the one to break it first. "I must say, I imagined dying completely different from this here.“ I hummed thoughtfully. The woman next to me tilted her head in my direction. "Dying? Is this how you got here?“ again, I did not understand what she meant.

"Yes, was it not the same for you?“ I asked. She only tilted her head again and thought about my question. "No, I was born this way. As was everyone I met within this realm. Except for those that visit the fade in their dreams. But you are no dreamer.“ Now it was my turn to tilt my head. The fade?

Like in Dragon Age?

Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. Maybe I was not dead yet and was still in some sort of coma and my brain came up with the first explanation to cope with my fading conscience, that it could think of. But if that was the case, then why the fade? Why a video game franchise?

The woman next to me looked at me, probably listening in to my questions. "You think that this is not real and just a lie that your mind is telling you? Interesting. It could very well be the truth. Who can claim to know if one is really real? We could all be the product of one’s vivid imagination. But even if that were the case, for us, we would still be real.“ She had a fair point with this. I felt very much real, and so did she. Even if I still did not know what to call her.

"Wisdom. I am called Wisdom.“ She answered my unspoken question.

I stilled. "Wisdom….? As in THE Wisdom?“ I asked. Her eyes lightened at that. "Do you mean if I am everyone's wisdom? I am not. I am, however, a spirit of wisdom. I am one of the oldest spirits that roam the fade. And one of the very few spirits of wisdom that still live, the waking world has grown very dull and many spirits have been twisted by it in the process.“ I nodded. "Yes, but that is not what I mean.. I meant to ask you if you are Pride's Wisdom.“ I asked and lowered my voice. You never know who is listening to you.

Her posture shifted instantly and her gaze hardened. She looked me up and down before answering.

"I can see no ill intent inside of you, but I must still ask you. How do you know about this? Have you been sent by anyone?“ she looked at me expectantly and I tried to choose my words carefully. "No, I have not been sent by anyone and I do not intend to harm neither you nor the wolf. You can read what is on my mind, yes?“ she still looked cautious at me but nodded. "I do not know how to explain it you properly. So if you can look inside my head, I give you the permission to do so. I think it would be the easiest thing to do.“ She looked surprised at that, and I was surprised by myself as well. But it really was the easiest way to explain everything.

And for all I know about wisdom, she is a very close and kind friend of Solas. If anyone would help me, it was her.

She lifted her arms around me and closed her eyes. I felt a gentle pull inside of me as she looked through all my memories. It left me feeling raw and vulnerable, but for some reason, I knew that I was safe with her and that she would do me no harm. I didn’t know how much time had passed, but after something that felt like an eternity, she finally lowered her hands and looked at me. Her soft smile came back to her face. "You know who he is and what he has done. Yet you choose him again, every time.“ Then her features grew sad and she cupped my "face“ with her right hands. "I am very sorry for your loss. Your grief is fresh and deep. I am also sorry to tell you that the ones you lost are not here. No one of them is. I do not know where the other souls went, but it is not the fade.“ I felt something sinking into my guts.

I don’t know why, but I had hoped….

"I know“ is all she said. But her compassion was real and it was soothing. Even if just a little.

She asked me if it was okay for her to ask me questions about my world. And I said yes because I felt like sharing my memories about my world, my people, with someone else, would let them live here inside the fade. If only through echoes of my memory.

So we spent a lot of time talking. Wisdom was a very good listener. And when I felt like crying, she let me. She left me then and when and told me that she was called by dreamers and even by the wolf. But she always came back to me. I don’t know how much time was passing in between those talks, as time was flowing differently in here. It could have been days or even months. And whenever she left, I became more and more curious about the fade. So I started wandering and exploring. I saw echoes of dreams from the past, some recent, some from long ago. And whenever Wisdom visited, I could tell her a new story of what I had found. We would then discuss the meaning of the dreams I had encountered.

I loved talking with her, but as the time passed, I grew more and more restless. Whenever I saw a dream of a mortal being, I was painfully reminded that I had no chance of experiencing the most mundane things anymore.

Wisdom seemed to feel my growing anxiety.

"If you like, I could try and teach you a way to reach the waking world.“ She said eventually. I mustered her and thought about Cole and a talk he and Solas once had. "To cross the veil a spirit must form a will of its own, it is the only way to not get twisted into a demon, right?“ I looked at the elven-formed spirit. She smiled, apparently very contend with my knowledge. "Yes, it is true. I saw a memory of this Cole, a spirit of compassion. He formed a body for himself and could easily slip into the fade and the waking world. However, you are no ordinary spirit. You are the spirit of a real person, and if you should indeed cross the veil, you would become a real person again. You could still visit the fade, just not physically.“ I let what she said sink into me and thought about it. She was probably right. I was no spirit. I had no purpose, so to say. Was I ready to throw myself into the world of Thedas?

As I was still thinking about it, I knew that deep within I had already decided. I couldn’t linger inside the fade forever. I wanted to live. To feel. To become real. Wisdom nodded affirmatively. She thought the same for me.

From that moment on, she taught me everything I needed to know in order to form the fade. To bend it to my will.

I was an eager student and was thankful for everything she could teach me. When it was about time that I formed a body for myself, we tried to redesign myself from memory. But the body never lasted long and I was beginning to grow desperate. What if I wasn’t able to ever cross the veil? Even Wisdom seemed to be lost. "It looks like your spirit is denying the form of your body. I have never witnessed something like this before.“ She hummed. Then she left.

I continued training and shifting for god knows how long, until she reappeared again before me. "It is as I assumed. Your former body is not the body your spirit feels as being your true form.“ I couldn’t follow her trail of thought. "Then what is?“

She smiled. "It seems, your spirit is not the one of a humans.“
I was still confused. "Then what…“ she cut me off with clapping her hands. "I sensed it right after I saw all your memories, but I wasn’t sure of it until now.“ She grabbed me and closed her eyes. I could feel myself change. There were no words to describe what was happening to me. I felt as if I was becoming more.

Then she whispered something in elven which my head automatically translated into "live.“

I could feel it then. Even before I looked down on myself. I had a body. And it felt good. It felt real.

"How did you do it?“ I exclaimed. But she only smiled fondly at me. "You will see when you wake up. Dareth shiral, we shall meet again when you sleep.“ And with that, I felt a pang inside of me that literally ripped me from the world of dreams.

And then I woke up in the middle of the woods.

Chapter Text

I was laying on cool, damp Butter flowers inside a circle of rich and green bushes.

The sun was up high and made me feel warm and comfortable. I was in the middle of a glade between some beautiful and tall grown pine trees and in the corner of my view, I could see the shoreline of a lake and an old abandoned hut. Birds were flying in the sky, all lined up as if they were practicing for a grand show. The veil was thin in this place, I could feel it as it left my skin with the all familiar tingling sensation. I could feel the entities on the other side pressing against the surface of the invisible barrier.  That was probably the reason why Wisdom had sent me here. Or maybe this place once held a special meaning for her, back when there was no veil that divided the fade from the waking world. It was something I would ask her the next time I saw her.

The feeling of being alive and awake was mesmerizing. And overwhelming.

So overwhelming that it became difficult to breathe for me and I felt my face heating up.

Take it easy, Arla. Remind yourself that you are real, that you are really here. Feel the grass beneath you, the sun above and yourself in the middle. Just breathe.

I reminded myself of the conversation between Solas and Cole when the young spirit boy was still struggling with the feeling of „being real“ and I tweaked that talk between them to make it fitting for me and my own situation. And to my own surprise, it really helped.

I still did not understand why it was me that had survived. What made me special? My own world was dead and everyone I knew had died. Not one of them in peace, like they deserved.

"Run Arla! There is no point in watching me die!“

As I remembered the last moments of my living mother, I could feel the tears rushing down my face. I had survived, and yet it felt like I was being punished.

"Divine intervention, that is what I’d call it. Everything happens for a reason.“   That would probably be something my best friend Alex had said in this situation. He was one of my comrades and one of the first that died because of the infection.

I laughed at that. Inappropriate, I know, but honestly, tell me what the reason is for a whole world to die? I couldn’t think of even one.

Nothing of it mattered anymore, did it? I just hoped that wherever all those souls went, that they were safe and sound.

I was still lying on my back but the vision of the sky became blurry because of the tears. Wisdom had always let me cry when I felt like it, and now that I was alone I felt like the time to finally mourn my losses, had come. I covered my eyes with my hands and sobbed until I felt that I had no tears left to shed.

I tried to think about each friendly face that I lost during the outbreak, and spoke with them one last time inside my head. I told them that I was sorry that I couldn’t help them and even more sorry for the fact that I had survived while they did not.  With each apology  I said in my head, the disgusting taste of ash and dirt in my mouth, faded away. I know that it wasn’t my fault that they died, but that didn’t mean that my grief was less real.

I wonder if that was what Solas felt. Or is still feeling.

It was hard to wrap my mind around the idea that I had crossed worlds and ended up in the fictional world of Thedas. But somehow knowing that here, in this world, there was someone that felt a similar pain, it helped me stay sane.

I had to believe that I was given a second chance. Even if I still didn’t know why and what for, but if it was true and everything really had a reason…well, the thought made me feel better. For now.

When I felt like I was calm enough to stand up, I tried to take in as much of the wild scenery as I could. Thedas sure was something else. The Nature felt so untouched. So pure and unspoiled. It made me think of my time back at home when I was still a child and used to stay with my grandmother during the summer break. She lived in a small village in Alaska and always seemed much more in tune with nature than anybody else I knew. While I stayed with her, she would teach me about the danger of the wilds, but also about its beauty. And I learned to love it, to embrace it.

Standing here in the middle of this untouched foliage felt similar.

I squinted my eyes and twitched my ears, trying to make out whether or not other people were nearby. But I couldn’t hear anything besides the calls of nature and drew the conclusion that I was alone.

The hut that I had spotted before, looked abandoned but friendly. I mused if this little home used to be a hunter’s hut, or if there really was someone living inside this thing here. When I entered, I could see that there was a thick layer of dust on everything, but other than that, it appeared to be habitable.

I wonder what time it is right now? And what date? It could be that I entered the fade sometime after the last blight. Maybe the people that lived here had been tainted and had abandoned it and never came back?

The thought made me shiver, but it was the most plausible.

That woke some very unpleasant memories, and I wasn’t ready yet to face them but they hit me anyways.

God dammit, break the window and get yourself some more ammo. The owner is already dead, he doesn ’t care if you break into his shop and neither do those creatures.

The glass cut through my hands but it didn ’t matter, I had to reach the counter. The screams behind me indicated that I was not alone anymore.

Breathe, you are safe. They are dead.

Everyone is dead.

Except for you.

BREATHE. Feel the sun. The movements of your chest when the air reaches your lungs. You are here. Whatever the reasons for this are, you have to live.

Okay …

Better.

I knew I was naked from the way the air touched my skin. It was like the moment when Adam and Eve realized that they were naked, as soon as I recognized the fact that I didn’t wear clothes, I felt the sudden urge to cover my private parts.

Now then, let ’s take a look around and see what we can use.

After the outbreak on earth, I started to become numb when it came to looting and raiding. That was a thing that didn’t change even here. Or maybe especially not here. So I didn’t hesitate to go through every chest and every cabinet inside the hut.

It was odd, really. Whoever has been living here, made sure that everything was neat and in order. Everything looked like it had been carefully sorted and packed. As if … as if he/she/it had hoped to come back someday.

But they never did.

…

When I opened one of the drawers close to the wooden bed, I found a lot of clothes. Some clearly belonging to a man, some seemingly more feminine. I took one set of smalls and put them on. Just as I was changing into clothes, I saw something moving in the corner of my vision and quickly turned around. Fully tensed and ready to hit and run. Behind me, at the other side of the room, there was a woman staring at me. She had dark hair and almond-formed eyes.

Her eyes were eerily shining in the sunlight and it seemed like they were the same emerald green color, my mother once had possessed. The woman had slender features and pointy ears, just like Wisdom.

I gasped.

An Elf!

The elf only stared at me, her mouth open in surprise and shock. She was wearing nothing but her smalls. Something in my head began buzzing again, but I chose to ignore it for now and started to slowly step in the direction of that elven woman. We both came closer. Careful. Cautious. One step at a time.

When I lifted my hands to show her that I meant no harm, she did the same. Both of us looking surprised at that.

Something is not right.

The voice inside my head sounded as weirded out by this as I felt. I opened my mouth to say something, and of course, she did the same. I closed my mouth again and gave her a sign that she should talk first. But she did so as well.

The buzzing inside my head became louder and almost swept me off my feet. My eyes started to flutter and it was hard to concentrate on what was in front of me. I felt cold sweat forming on my neck.

…

Then I reached out.

…

And touched the cold, smooth surface of the mirror in front of me.

Chapter Text

“NO.” the voice of that body in front of me spoke and I could feel that the sound came from my own vocal cords, but there was just no way that this could be true.  I KNEW that I sounded different! I knew that this was not my own voice. It couldn’t be.

It was wrong, so very wrong! I felt a thousand hammers buzzing against my skull. Then me and the woman both fell to our knees. Screaming, shivering. I couldn’t  work up the strength to look at her again, to look at me again.

It can ’t be. It’s wrong. This is not me, it just is not. Wrong. Unnatural.

Then I challenged myself to look up, our eyes met and even though the urge to break eye contact was ridiculously high, I managed to not look away.

I touched my jaw, then my lips, my nose, my forehead. It was all there. I could see the similarity between the female elf and me. She looked like me, but different. Finer. But still, I could trace remnants of myself in her. The dark chestnut hair, the shape of her eyes and even the mouth was similar. I felt like this woman was the beautified version of me.

I made some strangled noise that resembled something like a laugh, but it soon turned into wild sobbings and cries.

Why is she so like me, but then again not like me at all?

Not  "she“, you !

It should not have been possible, none of this should. But here I was, sitting in front of a mirror in the middle of the wilds in a foreign WORLD.

I gulped and mustered every inch of courage inside of me, that I could find. Then I lifted my shaking hands to the sides of my face and began tracing upwards until they hit the soft flesh of my earlobes. A soft squeak escaped my lips and I had to take in a deep breath before I was able to continue.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see it, but wanting to feel it. So that I knew that it was really real.

The tips of my ears were not soft and round like a human ear, but pointed and long like an…elf ear. So it was official. I was an elf.

I opened my eyes but could only make out that my reflection stared at me with a blank expression, then everything around me shattered and I was embraced by the warm sensation of the fade.

_____________

Wisdom was already waiting for me. She smiled but still showed her concerns. I stepped closer but held my distance. Wisdom knew better than to pull me into a hug.

"Falon. It seems like you know, now.“ She greeted me.

Friend. Was that really what I was to her? Do you twist a friend and change her very form of being?

She stiffened and shifted her weight from right to left. "I didn’t change you on my own behalf.“ Wisdom looked uncomfortable, but not hostile. I tried to sense the air around us and could not detect a lie. I nodded and gave her the sign to go on.

"Remember how we tried to push your spirit into your former shell of a human? It resisted. It vehemently fought against it. I understand that this must be devastating for your mind. But you have to trust me, I did not alternate your being. When I saw that your spirit did not accept your body, I sought out a spirit of knowledge and a spirit of curiosity. We discussed what could have been the reason behind this and found out that your spirit never belonged to a human. It was born in the wrong body, trapped. Just because it is everything your brain and your mind knows, it doesn’t have to be valid for your spirit. A mind can be deceived, but a spirit cannot.“

I didn’t speak for a while and neither did she. I was still trying to take the information she gave me, in and understand it.

Like a boy that was trapped inside the body of a girl?

But there are no elven people in my world. So how could my spirit be elven?

"I can’t give you the answer to that. Not yet. But I have a few theories. If you like and feel ready for it, I would gladly share them with you.“  Wisdom and I stood in front of each other, but there was a clear line between us. I was hurt and confused and she was reserved and neutral. I didn’t want to trust her. But I could still detect no lie in her words. Wisdom would never deceive, it was against her nature.

I sighed and let my shoulders slack. She still looked at me and pierced me with her eyes. Looking for acceptance of what she just said.

The right words to say didn't come, so i simply changed the scenery around us into a flower field, hoping she would take the hint. Bees were buzzing through the air and it smelled like lavender and poppy. She recognized the invitation and sat down into the flowers. I did so as well.

"I would like to hear your theories if you don’t mind.“ I sounded defeated, resignation slowly  creeping into the back of my head.

"I do not mind, falon. When I talked to Knowledge, I asked him if he had ever met someone from another realm. He searched through all his memories and found some whispers of old within the fade that indicated that there once were a being that claimed to be from another plane. While Knowledge never talked to this being himself, and besides what I just told you, had never heard of more whispers about that traveling soul, he was positive that something like this did indeed happen before. So I sought out a young spirit of curiosity. He was eager to ask around and find out everything he could.  He traveled far into the fade and found different sources that all claim to have heard of other existing planes. So my first theory is, that your soul was originally from this realm, but because of an incident that is yet to be discovered, that soul of yours found its way to earth and with that, to you.“ The way she talked made my head feel light. The rhythm of her speech seemed to awake something inside of me. Spoke to me, even.

"You said that you had theories, as in more than one.“ I stated and Wisdom nodded.

"Yes, that is true. While it could be that a soul from here merely got to your world by chance, I think that it is much more likely to be not the case. Knowledge pointed out, that since there apparently was a way that the this entity of old entered our realm thousands of years ago, there must be a passageway between here and there. And as you know as well, a way most likely works in two directions. So what if an elvhen of the ancient time found his or her way into your galaxy? It must not have happened recently, as we still don’t know how time affects the different planes. But it could be that this elf traveled through this passage and settled down in your world. Maybe he didn’t know that he was gifted and simply didn’t know how to come back. The elven blood in you sings the song of my sisters and brothers from the air. So coming back to this realm, it must have freed your spirit. And that is why it refused to be caged again inside a human body.“

At that note, my mind started to drift away. Memories and dreams started to flow around me. I  thought about my mother and her unique emerald eyes. People always commented on how they looked like the real thing. So beautiful and magical. She looked still very young, even though she was already in her sixties. Then I dreamed about my childhood. About the lullabies she sang to me when I was still small.

"Be quiet little Arla. Mommy’s gonna sing to you now. It is a song my mother has sung to me when I was your age. And her mother did so before.“

The image of my mother smiling at me made my heart clench in pain.

Then I remembered something. "Say, Wisdom. When you first heard my name, you said Arla, a place to call home. Is that by any chance…could it mean..?“  trailed off again as I heard my mother sing for me.

"Concentrate, Arla. Don’t let those memories take you with them.“ It was hard to hear her voice above the song. But I did as she said and forced myself to come back to Wisdom. She gave me one of her warm smiles at that. "Thank you  for coming back. It is okay to dwell in memories. But only if it is not for long. If you indulge yourself in them too much, they can become dangerous and leave you vulnerable. And a vulnerable spirit is prone to attract the unwanted attention of demons.“ It sounded like she was scolding me, but I knew that she was only concerned. "I can show you a safer way to relive some memories of your past, but not now.“ She took my hands and made me look at her face.

"Arla. It is an old world in the language of the people. It means home or safe place. Another indication that my second theory could be right.“

I smiled and shook my head. „I can see how this must look from your perspective. But there are other languages on earth that have the word Arla in them. I was told that my mother named me this way because I was born on an early morning.“ Wisdom tilted her head and was lost in deep thoughts.

"I see. I shall investigate further on your behalf. But for now, if you like, you can tell me more stories about earth. It is too fascinating.“

I didn’t know if she did this to lighten my mood, but it seemed like she was truly interested in my stories.

We share the ancient mysteries, the feelings lost, forgotten dreams, unseen for ages, now beheld in wonder.  The calm voice of Cole flushed through the air. Ah, yes. There was this dialogue between him and Solas. Which gave me an idea…

Wisdom turned to look at me. She probably heard Cole’s voice, too. "Was that the spirit of compassion, that I have seen in your memories?“ her eyes glistered. I smiled and inclined my head. "Yes, his name was Cole. What he said made me think about something. Since my spirit is elven, I should have no trouble learning the language, don’t you think? We could trade. I tell you everything you want to know about my world, and you teach me elvhen in return. Does that sound fair to you?“

The spirit smiled and released my hands, just to cup my face with them. "Ma nuvenin. As you wish, ma falon.“

We spent the rest of the time discussing the elven language and the wonders of my world. To be fair, we talked more about elvhen than actually about my world. But Wisdom didn’t seem to mind and I was happy to learn until I woke up by my aching back and my angry stomach.

—

I found myself on the floor at the foot of the mirror where I had passed out before.

As if by command, my stomach grumbled so loud that I felt like I had frightened each and every animal within the range of a mile.

It was oddly satisfying and even more soothing, to feel myself having physical needs. It reminded me that I was here, whether I was an elf or not. My eyes scanned the hut and found something resembling a fishing rod. I smiled at myself and recalled one of the best memories I had with my father. Sitting on a lake, next to our tents and dipping the fishing line inside the calm water.

Outside, I managed to cast my new fishing rod and made sure I avoided my reflection whenever I got close to the water surface OR the mirror. I wasn’t ready to completely accept the new “me”. Not yet, at least. I had enough on my plate with simply accepting that I was still living.

While I was waiting for something to bite, I grabbed a loose tunic and some pants and were surprised that they fit. So either the woman that previously lived here was an elf as well, or the woman was a very small human. I suspected the first and proved myself right when I found some footwraps in the chest at the front door.

I could see why dalish elves preferred them over normal shoes. They provided stability while letting your feet breathe.

When I stepped outside the hut, I saw the fishing line had tensed and was quick to grab the rod and slowly pulling the line back to the shore. Always careful to no let it rip or anything. When the line was close, I could make out a shape beneath the surface that told me that I had indeed caught a fish with this old thing.

The thought of a fine dinner made me feel a little more at ease.

I walked inside the hut and found myself a knife, which I used to take out the inside of the animal. Then I rinsed the fish off and removed the slimy membrane on the scales. It was ready to go. All I needed was a fire. Looking at the living area, I noticed that there was a fireplace inside and even some basic kitchen instruments. But there was no fire wood, so I sighed and stepped back into the forest to go and look for some dry branches that I could use.

…..Which was more difficult than I thought mind me. Because of the nearby lake, the area around it was damper than you would normally expect. Which was good for the greens within the woods, but considerably bad if you were hunting for firewood.

It was getting dark and I still hadn’t found any dry wood.

So … raw fish it is, then. I mean, sushi is basically raw fish, right?

I never was a huge fan of raw meat, but it would have to do for tonight and I  knew very well that I needed the protein.

I sighed in defeat and walked back to my cabin, opened the door, walked to the table where I had been prepping my prey…only to find it to be gone.

I must admit, that for the split of a second, I lost it there. After all that I had witnessed, I refused to rule out the possibility that the fish came back from the dead and escaped into the water. That was before I heard the soft chewing sounds from under the bed.

Yes. Great. Let us find out what is hiding under the bed. How very not clich é.

I rolled my eyes at my own inner voice that had clearly watched too many horror movies and stepped closer to the bedframe. The chewing sound quietened down and was soon replaced with a low growl.

Wait. I know this kind of growl.

My heart almost skipped a beat and I couldn’t be fast enough on my knees to bend and see what was hiding in the dark.

At first, I didn’t see anything. But after just a few seconds of adjusting to the darkness, a pair of glowing, yellow eyes stared at me. The little Monster had crawled into the deepest corner under the bed and was guarding its new treasure like its life was depending on it.

It probably was. Poor thing.

I slowly blinked at it a few times to signal that I was no threat. Even though it had stolen my dinner, I just couldn’t bring myself to be angry at the little furball.

I headed outside and cast the rod again while grinning like an idiot. A cat. A little cat was visiting me. That made me even forget that I had no fire to neither cook my meal, nor keep me warm this night. All I could think about was that little animal that had sneaked into the hut and was now hiding under my bed.

My grin grew even wider when I entered the little cot again. It had come out from under my bunk. And was cleaning itself spotless on the wooden floor. The cat looked different from the one I had on earth (well it was definitely different than any cat on earth.). Her fur was semi long and had no real pattern. It was coated it all shades of brown.

A tortoise shell cat . I thought happily to myself

Its ears were long and curled and looked like they belonged to some kind of a lynx, instead of a stray cat. And it had three fluffy tails that were simply adorable.

When it noticed me, it tensed but other than that, remained where it was. I walked over to it, ever so slowly and reached out with my palm.

It immediately growled again, so I stopped right where I was, the palm still reaching over to it.

It didn’t take long for it to become more curious than wary and started to sniff at my hands. Then the little thing headbutted my fist and looked at me while blinking.

Yes, kitty, I like you, too!

Since I had literally nothing better to do while waiting, I sat down on the ground and started to test if it would let me pat its fur. And as soon as I started rubbing the cat behind its ear, is started to purr in satisfaction.

Now now, let ’s see if you are a boy or a girl.

My hands wandered to its tails to the spot I knew every cat loves, and it lifted its tails just as expected.

It was a she.

" Well, what a sneaky little girl your are, dalen.“ I said and giggled at my own use of elvhen. But she was tiny.

And you know what they say … if the shoe fits..

She purred in confirmation, which drew a smile on my face.

________

The raw fish was better than expected and I was glad to be able to fill my body with fresh food. As I was laying down on the bed, the little cat jumped on top of the sheets and planted herself next to me.

It seems like I have made a new friend.

I scratched her ears before I fell asleep.

_________

I was in the middle of talking to Wisdom when I felt it.

A sudden rush of anxiety swept over me. My spirit friend noticed it at an instant and commanded me to wake up.

It took some seconds for me to gather myself and remember where I was. Being ripped from the fade felt not nice.

The cat was gone and only a little hollow in the sheets reminded me that she had been really there. Then I heard it. Angry growls from just outside the door. Multiple growls to be precise. And they did not sound like the ones a cat could produce. I searched the room for the kitchen knife that I had used to prep the fish and put it into my right hand. Always the right hand to expose the side of the body that didn’t hold my heart in case someone was trying to attack me. I crouched down and sneaked my way to the door. Using the reflection of my knife to see what was going on.

There was a pack of wolves in front of the little cabin and they were not amused by its new inhabitant. They fletched their teeth at me. I felt my heartrate speeding up and tried to remember how to fight off wolves. Climbing. Elves are good at climbing.

The next trees that I could get to without being eaten first, was approximately twenty feet away. I didn’t know if I could make it, but I had to try. Especially since the cabin had no glass windows and those wild animals could simply slip through there.

I took one deep breath before getting up and running to the treeline. I heard as they shifted to run after me which made me run even faster. But I only had two legs while they had four and it didn’t take long for them to catch up with me. I could feel as their leader readied himself to snap at me with his fangs when I suddenly saw another figure running past me directly into the pack. I couldn’t afford to turn around and gawk at what was happening so I kept running to the tree. Then I heard angry hissing and pained whimpers next. I hesitated and then finally turned around. Above two wolves, there was a giant cat standing. She hissed at the remaining animals and they retreated slowly. Then she turned to me.

Even though I knew I should have been scared, I wasn’t. I recognized the three tails and those yellow eyes.

"Dalen. Is that you?“ the cat huffed in recognition. A shape shifting cat. Why am I not shocked? I waited until the pack was in no sight anymore and made my way over to my protector. „Good girl. We’re friends now, are we not?“ the feline tilted its head and blinked at me, a gesture which I returned.

Yes. Friends protect each other. It seemed to say. I smiled and fondled it behind its ears. She purred and nudged its head into my chest with affection.

"Well, Dalen sure is not so fitting anymore. We shall think of a new name for you, but not tonight. Let’s get some sleep before dawn.“

I went inside and hopped under the blankets in a swift motion. Dalen followed and jumped on the bed again as I curled myself into her warm fur.

Well, this might even better than a warm fire pit. I thought before drifting off.

Chapter Text

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Chapter Text

"Again.“

I was exhausted. It had been months since I left the fade and settled down in that little hut of mine. During that time, I was taught the basics of "living like an apostate“. My cat, that I named Arulin - meaning precious in elvhen - showed me how to properly hunt and stalk prey, before actually attacking. She was swift and smooth, but my former training on earth and my new elven body did help enormously on that end. But at the end of the day, my body was still aching all over from the crouching, the climbing and the dashing. Then, when I fell into my bed like a corpse, I was drilled by Wisdom, Command and Fortitude in order to master the art of magic.

Wisdoms magic felt tender. She taught me how to dream and relive memories in safety - as she had promised -  and taught me how to build a "library“ for all my memories that I could revisit and revise everything I had ever learned. It was amazing. After some time, she introduced me to Fortitude and Command. Both spirits wanted to teach me combat magic and I readily agreed. That was before I knew what bastards those two were.

I say bastards but I mean extraordinary instructors. God, please don ’t let them listen in to my thoughts or they’ll kill me.

During my time as a recruit on earth, I was used to harsh training, but this was borderline torture. Using magic was exhausting, even in dreams. So whenever I was near complete draining, Fortitude restored just enough mana for me to work the assigned spell. I felt like I was running on empty all the time, but Command told me to keep doing and I did. With clenched teeth. And the wish to punch it in the face. Repeatedly. But the improvements were incredible. I was constantly getting better with every night.

Except for tonight. I failed again and again on the most simple spells and frustration was soon blocking my focus.

"Again.“ Command ordered me with its stern voice. So I stood up, my body moving almost on its own. There was no way to disobey the spirit. When I lifted my hands to try and cast again, Wisdom stepped into the picture.

"I think that is enough for tonight. It would not be wise to continue the training when something is clearly blocking her mind.“ Command nodded reluctantly and retreated together with Fortitude.

"Thank you“ I breathed before lowering myself to the ground.

 Wisdom changed the scenery from the training ground into a nice living area. The walls were made out of crystal and the windows depicted a scene where a female elf patted a halla. I found myself sitting on an ottoman that was polstered with red velvet. It was clearly a memory of Arlathan.

"Where are we right now?“  my voice couldn’t hide my curiosity, despite my weariness.

Wisdom smiled at me. "The name of this place has been lost during the ages. But I suggest that we may call it Inor’an a place that is between many things.“ It took me some time to get he meaning. So we were at the crossroads. This was probably a part of the library that you would get to visit during "Trespasser“. I stood up and walked over to the book shelf at the wall, randomly browsing through the index.

"I have noticed“ Wisdom began talking to me from behind. "That your mind has been clouded by something, tonight. You are not sure what path you may choose for your future, now that you are alive again.“

I stopped my finger and pulled out a book about runes and wards. It was full of pictures and explanations. Something that would surely come in handy, if I were to travel.

"I cannot dictate the path for you, falon. But I can help you to sort your thoughts. Maybe this helps to free your mind.“  I turned around and smiled at the spirit. I was tired and worn out, but she was right. Since I came to Thedas, I had deliberately avoided the topic of the inquisition and of my future in general, hoping that it would sort itself out after some time. But it didn’t. If I wanted, I could turn my back on everything, live a life in the woods, together with Arulin. I felt like I wasn’t ready to commit myself to new relationships, not in a time of war. Losing more people that were dear to me… I just couldn’t.

But here I was, taking combat training lessons with spirits and prepared myself to fight in the future. I wonder if I ever really had a chance to sincerely choose for myself. I knew about the future. Could I really cast all that away? My world had died, I had seen the ugly side of grief and sorrow, so could I really turn around and act as if I didn’t see what was happening around me?

I knew that when the time came and the breach would open up, the Inquisition would succeed without me, I had seen it. I was not cannon.

But what if by bringing me into this world, something had already changed. And what if my sole existence would be the reason something went wrong? I couldn’t take that chance, could I? Not if I were honest with myself.

But there was something else.

"Wisdom, you know I would never ask you something that would get you into danger. And I also don’t mean to pry. But would you… Could you perhaps tell me. About Solas?“  I looked inside the book to avoid Wisdoms eyes.

Something in the air changed. I could sense it, but not name it.

"Falon, I cannot give you his secrets, for they are his to reveal. But I try to think about something. Is there anything in particular that you would like to ask me?“  the tips of my ears went pink, I could feel the blood rush there.

"You have seen… my memories. Of him. Of this all. Can you tell me perhaps… what he is like? If he is like the character I got to know then? If he is..“

"Worth saving from himself.“  Wisdom concluded.

I heard that she stood up and walked up to me. I was reading the same page for the second time because I couldn’t concentrate. Wisdom laid her hands over mine and took the book from me. Then she cupped my chin and made me look at her. Her eyes were.. Sad.

"His soul, to me, it feels much like yours. Both of you have witnessed more pain than one should experience during its lifetime. He wants to correct what he has done. But he does not see. Because he is afraid of dying alone, so he can’t see properly.  I hold him dear, but I am also afraid for him. I want him to be happy, even though I know that he won’t let himself be happy.“

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on my breathing. "The veil. Tell me everything you can. I know that it is a construct that was made by Solas. I know the reason why he did it and what it did. I know, because I can feel it, that it is not evenly thick at all places in Thedas. So is the veil being weakened by nature? Does that mean that it will come down eventually?“

Wisdom seemed to consider if she could tell me anything about that without spilling any secret knowledge regarding Solas. After a while, she came to a conclusion and looked at me. "are correct in everything you assumed. The veil didn’t always exist. There was a time where the world of the dreaming and the world of the waking were not seperate but one. You already know how the veil came to be. He didn’t know then, what the veil would mean for the people. Thought that the ones he freed from slavery, would be able to live on without it. Live on without him. It is never as easy as that, though, since his plans had no flaw but one: a slave that has never known anything else but slavery, does most likely not know how to survive in freedom. Without anybody to guide them. The revolution was still too young, the memories of their lives within the cages of the Evanuris, too fresh. When the veil was brought up and with it, everything they once knew, collapsed… they simply did not know how to live autonomously. And they had none to ask for help. When my friend created the veil, it was much stronger than it is now. There was no way to reach beyond its boundaries, not even within the dreams.“

Wisdom walked over to the windows and stared at something that was far away, I couldn’t see what it was. Maybe it was meant only for her.

"It was the begin of the downfall for the elvhen. With their lost connection to the dreaming world, time began to flow for them. They grew mortal as they were no longer able to sing the song of immortality. Thy tried to mimic the structures they once knew, a hierarchy of their own. Always telling the stories of the time that was lost. But the more often you tell a story, the more details get twisted by time. Until thy have nothing in common with the original tale anymore. It took over a thousand years for the veil to be weak enough to communicate with the dreaming again. As the mind of the living offsprings of the elvhen people became twisted during time and desperation, so did the land of the dreaming. The spirits were hungry and violent. And magic had lost the tender touch of ancient times, wandering off from the paths it once walked, so to say. The people destroyed themselves because they did not understand. How could they, since all they knew was a time with the veil intact. When the humans came and invaded our land, there was no victory over the elves, no glory to behold. They picked up elven artifacts and began to study the magic of old. And they mastered it.“

She turned to face me. I could not read what she was feeling, her face was a neutral mask, one I knew too well from the many hours I’ve spent examining it, even though someone else was wearing it then.

"Empires rise and fall. That is the course of time. But it does not change the fact that the veil is not what the natural state of the world is supposed to be like. It has to come down. It will do so eventually. And when it does, there will be chaos. Empires will fall again. But those that decide to cope, they will rise.“ There was a moment of silence after this. I did not know what to say at first, but one question, one last question was nagging at me.

"But why him. Why does he think that he has to give everything to bring down the veil? If it does come down eventually, then why bother with doing it so forcefully?“

She smiled at me. "Yes falon, wisdom suits you well. The veil was meant to imprison the Evanuris. Together with the forgotten ones. The Titans blood. One of the Evanuris had gone mad by it. You already know about it, don’t you. Andruil had heard the sickening song of the titans blood. It was Mythal that fought against her and made her forget. It was the only way she could be saved. But only temporarily. She infected the others, they became filled with their own desires. Twisting their nature. Always hungry, always wanting more. If not for the wolf, the world would have been eaten alive by them. Since the veil is getting weaker, what do you think this means for its prisoners?“

Understanding was dawning inside of me. "Oh…wait .. So you mean that since the veil is getting thinner, the Evanuris could escape on their own?“

Wisdom nodded. "Yes, indeed. And they could do so together at once. The years have not been kind on them. The calling has driven them completely mad. Nothing but destruction. Solas is weak right now, he would not be able to stand against them.“

So he wants the power of the foci, ripp down the veil, enter the fade and fight the Evanuris one by one.  Wisdom didn’t say it, she could not without breaking the silence that she  must have sworn to her friend. But the intention was there, lingering like a whisper in the air.

So that was it.

This whole time it was that. He would likely die, his last attempt to pay the price for his past actions.

I sighed heavily. Being more tired and worn out than I ever thought would be possible.

I couldn’t run away now. Not anymore. Not after knowing all this.

Wisdoms words felt like an oath and she looked at me, expecting an answer to her unvoiced question.

What will you do, falon?

 I understood him. I really wish I didn't, but I did.

I felt my shoulders slack. "So it is set then. I will help the Dread Wolf.“

Chapter Text

"You cannot go straight into his service.“

I was preparing Alurin for our hunt for the dalish clan that we were staying with right now, when I thought about my conversation with Wisdom the night before my departure. I had agreed to help Solas with fighting against the other Evanuris.

"As I have said before, I hold my friend very dear. In a way, he knows wisdom like no other man ever has. But he can be a fool at times. If he knew that you know everything about him, about who he is, he would deceive. He would use you because he thinks that he has to in order to reach his goal. You can not be one of his agents. That is not the help he really needs. He has to see, he has to understand that not all is lost. That he himself deserves redemption. That he does not have to walk alone.“

"I know.“

I knew what he needs, because I think that I  needed the exact same thing.

And with that, I had my mind made up. I would join the Inquisition, I would help defeat Corypheus, and I would help to prepare and educate the people around me. As much as possible, to help them help themselves.

I would dance with the wolf.

Wisdom told me that Solas had woken up some time before our last talk, which meant that he probably already gave the orb to one of the Venatori, the one action that set everything in motion.

I would need to leave footprints to find. Little whispers that could be overheard. Physical evidents of my existence.  

I would need to have people vouch for me, if I wanted the soon-to-be spymaster to trust me.

That meant stepping out of my comfort zone. A lot.

I still didn’t feel ready to go straight back into the buzzing life of civilization. So I came up with a plan to get myself acclimated to society again. I would travel. I would live on the road. I would establish as many contacts as I could in order make myself believable.

In Order to do that, I had to come up with a believable background story for myself and had to stick with it from day one. Making sure that everyone I met would remember it and tell it to the right people.

From now on I was Arla, former first of a clan deep down in the kokari wilds. When a third mage showed signs of her gift, she was supposed to be sent into the wilderness, to live on her own. But she was still so young, so I took her place and abandoned my clan instead, in order for her to become my clans second. I was fourteen then and only shortly before receiving my vallaslin. Since I had shed the name of my clan, I was never to speak its name again. I have lived on my own since then, making a life with my hunting and trading. I was already well trained in my magic and am no danger to myself or the people around me. I have never used a staff and used my enchanted daggers instead to avoid detection by the templars. Besides hunting goods, I also sell easy runes for people without magic to use, keeping them safe from demon possession and the like.

___________

We were in the exalted plains right now, staying with Loranils and Keeper Hawens clan. They were skeptical at first, making sneer comments about me being a flat-ear because of my lack of markings. That was before me and Arulin killed a great bear and brought them its hide and its meat. Since then, they called me Aenor - predator. They opened up to trade with me and even forged me new armor. I repaid them with hunting goods and herbs. Things that are most essential to the dalish - besides their rituals.

The sun was hiding behind clouds today, which tinted the world around me into all shades of grey. I wanted to get going, so that I could return in the morning, and was preparing myself for a night in the plains.

____________________________

Arulins eyes became dark with hunger as soon as she smelled something in the air. Her casual body posture shifted in an instant. She gave me one last look to make sure I knew what I was supposed to do, before disappearing into the line of grass without a sound. I stiffened, scanning the area and thanking whatever being created the sharp eyes of elves that helped me see even in difficult conditions. There was a herd of rams nearby. Roaming the field without a care. I smiled to myself. It would be a good hunt.

I ducked and crawled onto a small mound that would protect me from their view, but would get me the perfect angle to launch the distraction move.

When I laid down my gear and my backpack, I grabbed a stone and aimed, then I threw it right behind the herd to startle them. Once scared, the herd divided into three chunks that ran into different directions. That was when Arulin charged. She sprinted toward a group of two rams and began chasing them into my direction. I readied myself to jump down. I just needed to wait for the right moment. 

The rams ran closer and I shifted my weight, pushing my feet more in the ground to be able to jump with full force. Then I dashed. One second too late. I landed on the ram, yanking it to the ground, but the other ram that was behind the first, managed to escape and kick me in the face with its hoof. I yelped in pain and felt my vision narrowing. Probably because my right side was already swelling up.

Arulin huffed displeased and charged after the escaped ram, while I drove my dagger into the animal’s throat, granting it a quick death. "Dareth shiral“ I murmured before binding the dead ram at its heels with my rune infused ropes that made my prey lighter. I lifted it up over my shoulders and walked over to where I had last seen Arulin. She would be pissed at me for my mistake, so I thought about a way to make her forgive me. Perhaps the keeper would let me milk one of the hallas? Arulin loved halla milk, much to my surprise, but she was a cat after all, so I guess it kind of fits?

It was starting to rain as I reached the entrance of the woods. I saw signs of a fight and followed the trail of it.

I could hear her dark growl even before I could see the scene.

There was a fight, but Arulin was not the attacking party. Before I could think of anything else, I lowered the ram to the ground, equipped my daggers and ran toward the little opening between the trees.

Arulin had been caught off guard as she gave the killing blow to her prey when a pack of giant black wolves cornered her. She was in a poor position to attack, as one of the wolves had jumped her from behind and completely blocked her body. She fought but could not escape the grip of the wolf. I could see the biting marks in her necks and then my mind went blank.

 ____________________

I was on autopilot. Moving on my own. Doing things. Hearing nothing but aggressive whispers from beyond.

The runes that I had drawn on the daggers began to glow, expecting my magic even before I cast anything. I gathered my mana and my blades swung through the air, cutting something invisible. Then my hand pulled through the opening and grabbed an object that was hidden to the eye, even to mine. As soon as I got a hold of that little pulsing knot of threads inside the air hole, I clenched it.

There were whimpers around me and the wolves started to fall over as if someone had punched each and everyone of them. But I kept going. Clenching even harder, until I felt whatever I held inside my hands, break. Within one second, the whimpers around me died down.

I took my hands back and the daggers stopped glowing. I felt my knees getting weak. Arulin made her way up to me and supported me just in time before I was able to fall to the ground. Nausea was eating its way through my insides and stars were dancing within my thin vision. I tried to grab some of Arulins hair, but my fingers lost all it's strength and I felt my conscience fade away as I slid down on her side like a sack of flour.

When my body touched the ground, I could make out several silhouettes that were scattered all over the place. Before I focussed my eyes again, darkness pulled me away.

______________

I didn’t dream. Probably because whatever I had done, drained every ounce of mana from my body. When I woke up, Arulin was licking my face. Even though she looked far worse off than I did.

"Stupid thing, you should tend to yourself first before helping me. I am just a little beaten up while you look like someone had dropped you into a meat grinder.“ She growled at me for that.

Fair enough. That was uncalled for.

"I am sorry. I did not mean to yell at you for being concerned. I would probably have done the same if I were you.“

She head butted me and I grinned. Then I remembered the lyrium vials in my rucksack and stood up to fetch it. It was only then that I noticed my surroundings.  I had killed the wolf pack. All of them. With nothing but a gesture.

They were laying in a circle around me and Arulin, all looking like they were sleeping. But I knew better. Even though they did not have external wounds, I knew that I made their hearts stop with my magic.

The worst part was, that I didn’t know how I did it. All I remembered was reaching out into.. The air?  Then I cut an opening of some sorts and broke something on the other side.

Their threads of life? But.. That was not possible, right? I had not learned a spell like that. And I had not read a book that contained magic like this.

My knees became fluffy again and I felt them giving in to my body weight. This time, Arulin cupped my top gently with her maw and held me up.

I was able to cut the invisible threads of life. Literally.

 Arulin lowered my weak body to the ground and my backpack was brought to me by her. She changed into her smaller sized version and crawled into the inside of the pack, searching until she found the lyrium potion. When she came out of my rucksack, with the vial between her teeth, she climbed onto my lap and dropped the flask there. I uncorked it and gulped the bitter liquid down. 

The ice effect of the lyrium crept through my veins right into my center. I could feel the mana building up instantly as it was touched by the blueish fluid.

I hovered my hands over Arulin and began with the healing magic. She protested, possibly thinking that I should heal my face first, but soon gave in when she felt the soft touch of my spell rushing over her body. It was easier to heal her in her little state and it used up less mana, leaving enough for me to heal my face.

The well-known feeling of nausea hit me when I was done healing the two of us. Running on empty was something I was almost used to during my training in the fade. It was uncomfortable but bearable.

________________________________________________________________________

The Rain was pouring when I  finished loading Arulin with the new hunting goods, a few pelts and already cut pieces of meats. I put a preservation rune on my goods and unpacked the rune that I usually used to heat up cooking water. It was one of those days where I missed my life back on earth. Before everything went down. The simplicity, the luxury of my daily life. However, I was no fool and knew just too well that my personal luxury came with a price that others paid for me. Earth was by no means perfect, I knew that. But I couldn’t help it that I sometimes missed it nonetheless. My friends, my family, my home. My mood darkened.

From yesterdays hunt, I remembered the little place inside the forest that was a little more sheltered from any passerby and decided that this would be my place for the night. So I made a little tsk-ing sound that indicated my catish companion that it was about time to move. When we arrived in that little area, I instantly started to strip. It has been ages when I had my last shower, and hot rain was the closest I would get to that sensation. The rune inside my palm started to glow and heated the rain from above.

I sighed wholeheartedly and stood still for some moments to enjoy the hot water that was pouring over my body. I then grabbed the little piece of soap that I had left and scrubbed myself until I felt like I was clean. Arulin joined me after I stripped her off the belt that held the hunting goods and butted her head into my back. we both enjoyed our "shower“  and watched the blood seep into the ground until something crawled its way into my head. A little tension right above my right eye. I knew that feeling, it was protective magic. Someone must be setting wards, somewhere close to me. I knew I should stay where I was, it might be another dalish hunter that was about to spent the night inside the forest and after my last encounter with one of the other clans, I found I had my fair share with the proud and easily provoked hunters and didn’t need more for the time being.

But I have always and forever been a very curious creature and of course, my nature got the better of me. So I put on my clothes again and signaled Arulin that she should wait and guard my stuff while I explored the magical sensation. The cat growled, obviously not liking that her friend took off on her own, but eventually she sat beside our goods and huffed defeated. 

I followed my inner radar in order to discover the source of the wards, and when I did, I felt like all the air inside my lungs left me at once.

He was leaning against a tree and was hidden from unwanted views through a relatively large bush beside him. I could trace the circle with wards that he had set up. It was a fairly small circle and was just enough so that his toes didn’t stick out. there were wards that seemed to repel the rain and thus it looked like he was in a bubble of water and air.

Solas.

The game had not done him justice. He was so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined and it made my heart ache. Not because of his good looks, which were obvious, but because of the look on his face. He looked so sad, so lonely.

It caught me offguard and wrenched it's way  into the depths of my soul.

Wisdom was right. It must not have been long after the time he stepped outside the fade for the first time in thousands of years.

Alone, with no one to call his kin, and I understood. I understood the pain, the loss of his people, of his life, of his world. The guilt he felt for being alive while they weren't. Feeling like his whole survival was nothing but a mere punishment. A divine joke.

Even though his eyes were closed, I could feel that he was aware of my presence as he slowly tilted his head in my direction. Then he opened his eyelids and our eyes met. there was no sign of the overly neutral mask that one got to see throughout the game. The look on his face was raw and wounded but also wary.

He seemed to be still very weak and I wondered if he already had given his orb to Corypheus. I could not feel any magical presence besides his own and decided that he presumably did already handed his orb to Corypheus’ minions.

I swallowed hard, knowing what path was still laying ahead of him, and now also ahead of me, now that I was thrown into this very world.

I noticed that he wasn’t wearing his normal apostate attire, but a very light gray tunic with a high collared undergarment. The wolf jaw bone hanging loosely from his neck.  Tight black pants with little scales on them that ended in his black foot wraps.

I tried to come closer and then saw that he looked ill somehow, his skin even paler than normal and deep shadows underneath his eyes. I wanted to help him, assess him with my magic and heal him, but he didn’t know me and I had no mana left to spare.

And as I recalled from my in-game dialogue, he only had bad encounters with other elves, so I was sure that he would not let me come close to him easily. With no other option left, I turned on my heals and slowly walked back to my own camping ground, where I grabbed my stuff and ordered Arulin to come with me. The big cat huffed quietly and started to walk behind me. 

When I reached Solas spot again, he was eyeing me with great caution but also increasing interest when he saw my companion. And I knew I had to be careful if I didn’t want to make him run.

Even though I thought that he would not be capable of much running, considering the state he was in. But I didn’t want to scare him nonetheless. 

I halted a few meters away from him and started to unpack my stuff and building a little makeshift camp. I then began to draw some water repelling wards myself around my camp and build a little fireplace. When I was all set up, I used my firestones and let some little sparks light the fire and grabbed my rucksack.

Every now and then I looked up and tried to find Solas eyes, which seemed to follow every movement of me. Inside my rucksack were my survival supplies, one of which was my transportable cooking equipment. I filled the metal bowl with rain water and placed it over the fire. I cut up the meat and placed it in the boiling water, along with some chopped up elfroot and some dried spices that I kept with me at all time. When the clear broth was finished, I took my bowl and filled it with the hot food.

I hesitated for a second but then decided that it would be best to just go over to Solas and offer it to him. Since he had watched my every step, he knew that I had put in elfroot, and he would also know that it meant no harm for him.

I placed the bowl in front of him and held eye contact with the bald elf.

After some heartbeats, he reached out with his slightly shaking hands and took the hot thing with broth out of my hand. He nodded in silence and I turned around to get myself another bowl. When I sat down, I patted my hands to the empty space next to me. He got the hint and tried to stand up hesitantly. When I saw that he had problems with standing up, I was about to get to him and help him, but Arulin walked past me and encouraged him to grab her fur to help him stand up. When he got to my fire, the bowl still in his hands, Arulin helped him to sit down and gently nudged her head against his back, before she returned to the other side of the fire.

The silence between us felt like a spell, a secret that would be spilled if one of us were to talk, and neither of us spoke for what seemed like hours. We didn't need to, the quieteness felt intimate and comfortable. After some time, Solas put down his dish and was about to get up again, probably to get back to his little bubble.

I stopped him, grabbing his arm softly.

His face looked pained and almost shy, but not because of apparent physical exhaustion. He looked to my hand, that was still holding his arm, and then back to my face. His voice was very low and almost unhearable under the ever pouring rain.

"Why?“

It could have meant everything, but I knew exactly what he meant. I smiled genuinely and looked into his stormy gray eyes for a few seconds longer than needed before I answered. "Penshra ghilas vellathan, I would rather have you close by.“

Perhaps it was hearing his native Language, or the form of ears, perhaps it was the silent understanding of pain and loss that laid bare between us two. But he sat down again next to me. "Ma nuvenin.“ He whispered and both of us watched as the fire burned down. When it was about time to sleep, I unfolded my bedroll and signaled him that he could use it if he wanted to.

He hesitated again, and I brought the bedroll to him. "Come, lethallan. You are weak and need to sleep in comfort. Do not worry about me, please.“ He looked at me and then nodded. Before he crawled inside the bedroll he mumbled a soft "ma serannas.“ and then almost instantly passed out. I chuckled and made my way over to Arulin, that had already curled herself into a giant furball. I had no problem in settling down next to her and soon drifted into sleep, myself.

______________

I woke up with the first rays of sunlight and turned around to see if Solas was still with me. I found him sound asleep in my bedroll, deeply lost inside his dreams. I smiled and for a second thought about dismissing my plan. What if I just revealed myself to him right now? Would he be glad that I found him? Would he trust me? No, possibly not. I would become one of his agents, his pawns. He would recruit me for his army. That was not a path that was meant for me.

I dismissed my plans as soon as they came.

I could not reveal myself to him. Not now, but I could try and help him in my own way. So I sighed silently and stood up, sorted through my newly acquired pelts and laid three black wolf furs aside for him. I took some meat and general things that I thought he could use, too. And also left the bedroll for him. He may need it more than me. When I was satisfied with my "survival“ kit for him, Arulin walked next to me and head butted me as greeting.

When I started walking, I heard him stirring from his bed. I turned around to get one last look at him before leaving. My feet moving on their own even though my heart didn't want me to move.

He looked at me and then at the stash with things that I had placed next to him. I could see the confusion on his face but I only smiled at him.

"It is yours to keep, I have had a very good hunt and have more than I need for myself. Dareth shiral, lethallan.“

He opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it again without voicing whatever thought had crossed his mind back then. Instead, he shook his head and started to smile as well. It was the most beautiful and heartfelt smile I have ever witnessed. "Ma serannas, I will not forget this. Dareth shiral.“

Chapter Text

I was in the Free Marches between some old elven ruins, dreaming, when the Conclave happened. I was reliving the memories of dalish clan that had lived here, before they were attacked by Tal.Vashots who burned their little village down. The spirits on the other side of the veil were happily re-enacting the best parts of the fights, when I felt the heaven tearing apart. There was no warning, no sign that you could have seen beforehand. It just happened. Within a mere second, everything went to hell. It felt like a tornado that suddenly simply appeared, sucking in everything within its reach. One of the spirits that I was talking to, only moments before, pushed me out of the way so that I could escape the forces of the breach. When I turned around to look for the spirit, it had already been pulled through to the other side.

I forced myself to wake up, only to find myself in the middle of a forming rift, with demons spawning around me. Arulin was already indulging herself into a fight with a despair demon when I was just in time to dodge an attack from behind. A rage demon tried to burn me alive. I cast a barrier and reached inside the veil to power myself up, then I released a shower of stone fists that killed some of the lesser demons, including the living mountain of lava (honestly, why did rage demons have to be so HUGE??).

Before any of the greater demons could get a chance to attack me and Arulin, I whistled shortly, giving her the sign to retreat. She turned into her small form while I fade stepped to her side and caught her mid-air with my backpack. Then I evaded an incoming swing from a pride demon and ran as fast as I could.

The demon wanted to follow me but I shot a wall of ice in its way to slow it down enough for us to escape. When I couldn't feel the sickening feeling of the demons inside my head anymore, I slowed down to catch my breath.

“Well, that went smooth.” I joked as Arulin crawled out of the rucksack. When she turned back into her big form, she immediately started to sniff me out for possible wounds. I snorted and scratched her ears. “Seriously Arulin, you've become such a mother hen. Have you thought about settling down and getting some nice kittens of your own? You know, meeting a nice giant Tom cat, starting a family and so on?” she sat down in front of me and gave me a look that said clearly not amused.

“Yeah, I thought so.” I said and climbed on her back.

Now that the breach was open, my new destination was set. Arulin knew it, too and started trotting towards the ominous looking Frostback Mountains in the distance.

_____________________________________________

I should have known that Haven was freezing, but the cold air still hit me in the face like a thrown punch, every time I reached it.

Over the last year, I had made sure that the citizens of haven would remember me and surely vouch for me, should the need arise

…. Yes, Leliana, I’m looking at YOU.

So I wasn’t surprised to find that a lot of the villagers had gathered at the front gate and were already waiting for my goods. I had some furs, blankets, and herbs that I wanted to give to the villagers. I even made some straw dolls that I planned on giving to the little ones.

“Arla! Arla! Do you have something for us?!“someone yelled at me. I turned around to find the freckled young lad gleaming at me.  I smiled and reached into my pocket and got some crystallized candy. “Of course, Grasa’lin! You know I always bring something for you guys. Now please make sure that your little sister gets something from this candy as well, if I get to hear that you didn’t give her any, I will personally come to you and tickle you until you cry! “I winked at the young boy to make sure that he knew that I was joking. The boy laughed in my face and collected the little glittering things from my hands.

Then there was a figure that shoved its way through the people. “What is the commotion about?” I caught a good look at the man. Blond wavy hair, eyes with the colour of whiskey, a scar on his lips and some god-damn pretty fur around his neck.

Commander Cullen Rutherford. I chuckled inside. Even though I knew that I was thrown into Thedas, almost two years ago, moments like these made me realize that this all was really happening.

When Cullen found the source of the uproar, namely me, I could see the change of emotions on his face. First, surprise. Then confusion and lastly caution. “What is the meaning of this? Who are you, and what business do you have here? And what is that thing next to you? Wait - is that a cat? I have never seen a beast like this.”  Arulin huffed, she was no beast mind you!

I raised one eyebrow and grinned. “So many questions. I could ask you the same? Last time I came here, Haven did not have any regulations on who could visit and who couldn’t? “

I could see the frown forming on the commander's lips and so I continued without giving him the time to say anything. “Just joking. Names Arla. I am an elven hunter that travels around and trades, well, with humans. Unlike most of my kin, I know.  But I am not here for business. Since the villagers saved my life during the last winter, I have come here on a regular basis to bring them things I can spare and do not necessarily need for myself. I take no coin from the people. All I want is a hot meal and somewhere to stay for the time I am here. And this giant beast here is my cat. She is...different, but she is not an evil creature and definitely doesn’t like being called as such. “

Cullen’s eyes softened. “Oh, that is...it sounds fair. Those are difficult times, and the world does need fair people in it.” I nodded acknowledging. “Thank you for the compliment. What you describe as fair, I simply find natural. Will you tell me who you are as well, or can this question-game only be played by one?”  he seemed to blush in embarrassment and I found that I liked this little dork already. “Oh yes, I have completely forgotten. Excuse me.  My name is Cullen Rutherford, and I am the Commander of this institution with the name ‘Inquisition’. I assume that you may have already heard of us on your time on the road?”

I nodded again. “Anyways, we are trying to close the breach in the sky, with the help of the herald of Andraste.” He grabbed his chin with his left hand and looked like he was thinking about something. “If you are looking for a place to stay, we are in need of people like you. We are short on supplies, since this is still a young organization and only formed recently. And after the explosion at the conclave. Well, you know. A lot of good and skilled people died. We could always use some hunters and apparently also a skilled herbalist, judging by the many elfroots you have with you.”

Cullen looked at me and searched for a reaction. I just smiled at him without saying anything. After a few seconds, he grabbed his neck and looked away. Yes, definitely like this dork. Then I straightened my shoulders and spoke.

“Alright, that I can do. I have to go hunting anyways. And my cat here will be happy if she gets to hunt a little more, too. Regarding the herbs, I know one or two things about them and would be happy to share. “

Cullen breathed in relief. “Good. That is good. I will bring you to the chantry, we will introduce you to our ambassador Lady Montilyet and she will assign everything you need for you.” He started walking and I quickly ordered one of elven girls to take care of the distribution of my goods.  The girl smiled from ear to ear and nodded eagerly. Then I made my way to the commander, who was already waiting for me behind the gates.

When we opened the door to the ambassador's office, the redheaded spymaster was talking about something with Josephine, who seemed to be enjoying the discussion a lot. Cullen cleared his throat before he spoke. “Lady Montilyet, Sister Leliana, I have a new recruit for you. This is Arla, a hunter that is known by the residing population of Haven. She also knows a lot about herbs and thus offered her help to the inquisition. I am sure that you can work things out together. I will take my leave now.” He turned around and spoke to me. “Should you need anything, just ask. Welcome to the Inquisition.”  I squeezed his shoulder as thanks. Just as he wanted to start moving, Leliana chuckled behind him. “Oh, I am sure that she will be of great help. She must be, considering that our busy commander took the time to bring her to us personally.” Cullen waved dismissively and walked away, but I could catch a glimpse of his ears tips that had been glowing in bright pink.

Lady Montilyet waved with her hand and stood up from her desk. “Lady Arla. Andaran athishan. My name is Josephine Montilyet and I am the ambassador of the inquisition. This here is Sister Leliana, also called Sister Nightingale. It is very good to hear that we get a new recruit.” With that, she bowed slightly. I did the same and Josephine smiled and Leliana looked at me with great interest. It was a look that I did not like.

“So, Commander Cullen mentioned that you are a hunter and an herbalist? That is fantastic. We have many wounded people that are in need of aid and are too weak to help with the supplies. If you could help with this, we would greatly appreciate it.  Go to the apothecary and let Adan know that you will help him with the herbs, then go to Ren, he is one of our hunters and will tell you their schedule. After that, come back to me, by that time I will have an accommodation set up for you. Again, welcome to the Inquisition.” With this, I knew that I was supposed to leave and so I bowed to the two women in the room and walked outside.

It was no problem for me to get to the apothecary and knocked on the door before I walked inside. Adan was chopping off some elfroots and only turned around shortly before he continued chopping. “Knife ear, if ya need anything, fill out a form like anybody else. Supplies are rare and time is even rarer.” Yeah, rude much? I tried to shake off the irritation that was building up inside of my stomach and spoke as evenly as I could. “I know; this is why I am here. I am an herbalist and will help you with getting your supplies. Hand me a list with what you need and I will try to gather as much from it as I can during my hunting times.”

Adan stopped and finally turned around. Eyeing me up and down. “So they finally found someone for the job. Good, knife ear –“ I huffed irritated. “I have a name; you know?”  he looked at me and just shrugged. “Well, didn’t hear you introducing yourself. Doesn’t matter to me anyways. Get me the herbs and we’re good.” With that, he walked over to his desk and handed me a paper with herbs that he needed.

 “Alright. Those I can get you. My name is Arla, by the way. I will answer to this, and only to this name. If I hear you calling me knife ear again, you may be in need of your own herbs sooner than you like.”  I turned around and heard him laughing. Or making some sound that resembled a laughter. “Yeah yeah, I can see that we will do just fine together.”

_________

Ren was a young blond elf that had Andruils Vallaslin on his face. The colour was still very deep and I mused that he probably got it not too long ago. But he was really sweet to me - even though I had no markings -  and seemed to know what he was doing, which was good enough for me. After settling our hunting schedule together, I was about to be on my way back to Josephine but stopped when I heard some horns blowing and some soldiers yelling that the Herald and her party was back from the hinterlands.

I followed the soldiers and found myself in a group of cheering people. The Herald, a young and extremely pretty dalish elven woman was riding in the front, together with stern-as-always looking Cassandra (wow, I need to get her to do my hair for me. She looks so beautiful!)

Behind them was Varric - he was telling assumingly one of his stories while a little further in the back I found what I had been originally looking for.

Solas was riding behind them, his expression unreadable. When I saw him, I nearly bit my tongue.

The vest he was wearing was made out of black wolf’s fur and I was pretty sure that it was the exact wolfs fur that I once gave to him.

When he looked over to the people that were greeting them, he noticed me and I couldn’t help but stare. He, however, did not seem to really recognize me and his eyes wandered soon past my figure.

So much for ‘I will not forget this’. Stupid old man.

What, did you expect him to be fawning all over you? You know that he would never do that. Also, he may very well have recognized you after all and just did not want the others to know.

Yeah, that could be true.

It most certainly is little sugar plum. See, here he comes!

He had brought his horse to the stables and walked over to the mass. He didn’t say anything, but as soon as he walked past me, our looks met and for a second I could have sworn that his polite mask slipped. But the moment was so soon over that I wasn’t completely sure about it. He nodded at me as a silent greeting and made his way up to wherever he was staying. I watched him as he walked away, and as I turned around, I almost walked right into the shit-eating-grinning dwarf in front of me. “Hey you, you know Chuckles over there?”  he pointed towards Solas, whose ear was twitching ever so slightly and I knew he was going to listen to my answer. I wasn’t sure if he would want me to tell Varric that we had already met, but I decided that since he somewhat greeted me, I could safely give him some part of the truth.

“I am not so sure. I’ve heard of an apostate that travelled with the Herald and now that I've seen him, I think I may have already met him on my travels. I am a hunter that sells fur, meat and runes to villages. But as I said, I am not one hundred percent sure.” Solas resumed walking, so I assumed that my answer satisfied him. When I turned towards Varric again, he was grinning even brighter. “You know; I know just the person that would kill for this information.”

I had to grin as well. “Sorry to disappoint. I sell fur, not information.”

The dwarf started laughing. “Yeah, I can see that. My name is Varric Thethras, by what name can I call you? I mean except for Cheeky, that is” it was my turn to laugh now.

“Names Arla. Happy to meet you. And why cheeky?”

He only grinned at me. “I don’t know; you just have this kind of aura around you. Hard to describe, but I’ve got a good eye for things like this. Call me the king of nicknames, if you like.”

 I snorted in response and waved my hand. “Yeah thanks but no thanks, I’ll pass on that one. But why don’t we meet after dinner for some ale and you’ll let me pick a different nickname for you?”  he patted my shoulders and started walking. “Sounds like a plan, I will see you later then.” 

I finally made my way back to Josephine, that smiled bright as sunshine at me as I returned to her office. “Lady Arla, I was able to find a place for you. The room above the bakery is vacant at the moment.  It is close to the tavern and has everything you’ll need. Alice has already been informed of your stay there. I think you know her? She has been living in Haven before the conclave.”

“Yes, I think I remember her. Short woman, a little sturdy and dark brown hair?”  Josephine smiled and nodded. “Yes, exactly. She seemed to remember you as well and was happy to hear that you are here now. Oh and I allowed myself to let some of the servants supply you with a set of clothes. If you want to take a bath, speak to Flissa in the Tavern, there is a bath for guests there. She will take care of everything. I will send someone tomorrow that will bring you your own bath supplies, but for tonight you have to bear with the tavern bath. And regarding your companion, Commander Cullen told us that you have a pet? A cat?  I’ve let someone bring a basket to your room where it can sleep in, and two bowls for its food and water.”

I was impressed. Like really impressed. It has been portrayed in the game just how organized Josephine was, but never had I ever thought she would be this good. Even though I had to grin when I thought about Arulin referred to as “pet.”

I bowed again, left the office and headed straight to the bakery. Alice spotted me directly when I entered. We grinned fondly at each other before hugging each other tightly. “It is good to see you, Arla. With all the shit that has been going on, I wasn’t sure if I would ever see you again. Especially with your…. gifts. Which I of course kept to myself when the spymaster asked about you” We Both were silent for a bit.

Yes, of course she would background check me. “Aw, you know I am way too smart to get caught by some random templar. They just don’t have what it takes to catch me.”  I acted as if I was punching someone that was invisible and made the human woman giggle. “Yeah yeah, I know. Still, with all those buddies running around here, I thought you wouldn’t want me to spill the beans for you. Wouldn’t want them to take such a fine hunter from us.”

It was really nice that the villagers felt so protective of me. We both talked for some bit and after that I went upstairs to my room. Thanks to the bakery, it was very cosy inside my place and I enjoyed the warmth. Arulin had already turned into her house cat form and was apparently sound asleep in her basket. My eyes scanned the room for the promised fresh clothing and found some neatly folded things on my bed. I smiled. The ambassador had even guessed my size. Those clothes would do just fine. I grabbed a small bag and put the fresh clothes in it. A bath, yay!

When I walked past the apothecary, I noticed Solas standing in the snow and staring at the breach. I couldn’t help it and approached him.

“Hello Chuckles.”  He flinched at the use of that term and turned around to look at me.

“I see that you must have met master Thethras already.”

I smirked at him. “Yes, he was nice enough to provide me with this name. But I assume that this is not your real one, yes?”  he smirked back at me. “You are correct, it is not.”

He then clapped his hands behind his back. “My name is Solas, Lady-?”

“Arla.”  I intervened. “Just Arla. It is nice to meet you again.”  

I smiled. “So I see that you indeed remember me. I wasn’t sure when I saw you earlier today.” He opened his mouth to respond but I lifted my hands before he could speak.

“I mean no offense, do not stress yourself about it. It was, after all, only one night. And you weren’t well. I did not really assume that you would remember my face.” 

He looked away as he spoke. “I told you that I would not forget your help, lethallin. Kindness and Compassion have become rare nowadays, even more so if given freely. And I kept to my words. I never got to thank you for your help, though.”

I shook my head. “And that is because there is no need for that. I have travelled a lot on my own and found it simply enjoyable to have someone to care for, even if it was just for one night.”

At that, he laughed. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. “I feel honoured that my company seems to be payment enough for you.” I smiled and turned towards the breach to hide my blushing face. He followed my gaze. “Ah yes. The breach. Tell me, lethallin, what do you see when you look at it?” I did not have to see his face to know that he was looking at me now. “I see confusion and pain.”

I could see in my periphery view that he nodded. “Yes, it has caused a lot of both things for the people here.”  I nodded as well. “Yes, but this is not what I meant. I mean it feels like the fade itself is in pain. Twisting, turning. It does not want to be ripped open like this. It wants to be free, but not like this.” 

He inhaled sharply. He was clearly surprised and I could feel that he released some of his magic accidently. “You think the fade itself is hurting?” I nodded. “Don’t you? They call you fade expert. Say that you talk to spirits. So all those demons that are coming out of the breach, do you not think that those demons could be spirits that were violently pulled through the rift? Could this not have caused them to turn into those monsters? I do not think that this is what they wanted for themselves, thus I think the fade is hurting.” I turned to see his face. His lips were parted and his eyes wide in surprise. Then he regained control over his features again and cleared his throat.

“Ma serannas. You surprise me. Not many would share your opinion. But I am not many and do share your view on this matter. The veil is rippled here, and the demons that came through were once spirits. To leave the fade and enter the waking world, a spirit has to form a will, a character. It helps it to maintain its purpose. But the breach, it pulls them through without their consent. They have no own will and cannot remember their purpose, thus they become demons. A wish gone wrong, so to say.”

I looked at him. The setting sun was dancing on his pale face and his gray eyes pierced through me. In this moment, I could see now that this man had gathered knowledge and wisdom like no other living being in this world. I remembered Wisdoms words “In his own way, he knew wisdom as no man or spirit had before.” And knew that she was right. I wanted to learn from him, as much as I could and as much as he would let me.

I wanted to say more, to talk more, but Alice walked past me and reminded me kindly of my bath. “Ah there you are, I thought you went straight to bathing. I will be heading into the Tavern and tell Flissa to warm the water for you. See you later!” I sighed and said my good byes to Solas, who promised that we would continue our conversation sometime, and went to get my bath.

__________________

I felt like a new person. In retrospective, I didn’t know how anyone had managed to stay close to me, judging by the disgusting soup of mud and grime that was left when I got out of the bathtub.

I slipped into my new clothes and put the old ones into the laundry sack that Flissa had handed me. When I walked downstairs, Varric had already arrived and got himself a cosy table in the back corner of the tavern. He spotted me and waved me over to him.

“I already ordered some Ale for us, hope that’s fine with you.” He was grinning and I sat down. “Why thank you very much. Now back to business, your nickname. Do you already have one?”

he lifted his hands in the air. “Wow, you don’t waste any time, cheeky, do you. Well now let me think…. Chuckles calls me Child of the stone and the seeker calls me sometimes Dwarf. Do you think that counts?” he looked at me and shrugged as innocent as he could.

“Oh yeah, while I think that those names are super creative, I am pretty sure that I can do better.” I smirked at him and he had a look that had „mischief” written all over it. „Is that so? Well, surprise me.”

I stared at him and thought for a while. Then I grinned. It was perfect. “How about, Foxy?” I leaned back to see his reaction. He laughed but was a bit confused. “Oh, let me guess, it’s the chest hair, isn’t it? That lovely colour drives most of the women insane and I don’t blame ‘em.” I laughed as well but shook my head. “No? Then enlighten me, Cheeky.” He leaned over the table and held a hand behind his ear, as if to say “I’m all ears.”.

I chuckled before I continued. “While your glorious chest hair surely is one of a kind, it is not the reason for my nickname. You simply remind me of a fox. They are extremely cute and look innocent, but they are also very perceptive and quick witted. I feel like this is the case with you as well. You took note of the very subtle recognition between me and Solas. So I assume you must perceive more than you let on. And you are pretty cute as well.”

I was flirting with him, I admit, but he was cute, so that’s that. He laughed again and shook his head in disbelief. “Yes, Cheeky does fit after all. Alright, I accept. But that thing with Solas, I assume you remember now that you eventually do know him?”

Little fox indeed. There were two questions stuffed in there, but I only answered one. “Yes, Foxy, I happen to do just that. We had a nice chat outside, before I arrived and are both pretty sure to remember each other. If you like to hear the story, you could go outside and ask him, I’m sure that of you ask him reall' nice, he will tell you everything. I mean, who wouldn’t be drawn to your lovely curls in the front?” he got the wink that I didn’t want to talk about it and left it at that. For now, he said with a smirk.

The evening went by pretty fast and Varric got me drinking quicker than a wormhole, which led to me being completely drunk by the time I left the tavern. “Sure you don’t want me to bring you to your room?” the only slightly drunken dwarf asked. “Nah, I’m good! I can even walk a straight line with my eyes shut, just you watch!” I said and closed my eyes. When I tried to make a step forward, I fell over like a potato. Face first, because of course. I heard Varric laughing when I spotted a pair of feet inside some green foot wraps. “Well, that are some nice feet” I giggled. A hand helped me stand up and I looked directly into Solas eyes.

Well, shit. Varric laughed even harder when he saw me getting pale at the view. “Ppfpt! That’s Chuckles for you, he tends to have this effect with the ladies.” He teased.  “I- Ir- Ir abelas” I managed to stammer. It’s getting only better. He raised an eyebrow. “Tel abelas, I wasn’t sure if you needed my help. It looked like the snow was very comfortable.”

Varric snorted and I swore to every god I knew; I would punch the stupid grin out of the dwarfs face if he continued. “It was indeed. It is called snow diving, a mediation technique that I have discovered on my travels. You should try it, it’s good for the body and the soul” I gave him a lopsided grin and he laughed. I really love his laugh. “Well, perhaps another time. For now, getting you to your bedroom seems like the most urgent task at hand. That bakery woman, Alice? She told me that your room was just upstairs the bakery. I do not know why she felt the need to tell me, but I will get you there now, lethallin.”  Whenever he referred to me as his kin, my skin felt tingly and I nodded quietly. We waved our good bye to Varric and Solas brought me back to my room. I passed out almost at the same time my head hit the pillow.

Chapter Text

The sun is up high but I keep staring at the green tornado in the clouds. If I concentrated on it enough, I felt as if I were able to hear the voices that lay dormant at the other side of the breech. Whispering. Some of them were afraid, while some of them were excited.

Personally, I hadn’t decided what exactly I was feeling about it myself. I knew that it had to come down, but seeing all the misery that was happening around me, and knowing that a lot of it was tied directly to the breech, it made my heart heavy.

I heard someone walking up to me and knew that it is Solas, even without looking behind me. He was silent, but the way he set one foot in front of the other, was just so different from anybody else. Like a mixture between a stalking animal and an elegant stream of air.  How anybody could think that he was an ordinary apostate, was beyond me.

“Good day to you, Solas.” I don’t turn around but I can sense his smiling face looking at my back.

“what gave me away?” he asks and I still can’t turn my eyes from the breech, even as I answer.

“Everything.”

You hear him walking next to you. “Is that so, interesting.”

Now it is me, that’s smiling. “yes, it is indeed. How was your day until now?” He hands me a big bowl with stew. “Good, so far. Except that I lacked my usual conversation partner during the mess. Why didn’t you come and grabbed your meal? You came straight back from hunting, weren’t you hungry?”

It was true that Solas and I made a habit of going to lunch together when I was here and not on my hunting trips with Ren.

Made a habit... How long have I been staying here already? The last weeks felt blurry. Since the veil teared open, you were used to waking up with headaches. Someday they were worse than usual. Today was one of those bad days. It made it hard for you to remember things.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to rest and have some time for myself before lunch. Staying with other people overnight is still a little exhausting. I’m not yet used to it. I must have forgotten the time.” It was partly true. I used to stay in groups, all the time while being on earth. When I was at the military base, privacy was a luxury. But somehow it was harder here. After everything, I wasn’t too keen on forming relationships with anybody. But if I went out with a hunting squad, I had no choice than to grow closer to each of them.

As every day passed, I grew more anxious of losing any of them. There was always the possibility for something to go wrong. I could be overwhelmed by demons, or some of the hunters could be fatally wounded by animals.

I was reluctant on learning their names and decided to go with nicknames instead. It made me realize a whole lot about Varric. How many people must he have lost before in his life? Was that why he gave everyone nicknames? To detach himself from them in case they died? That was the case for me, at least. And the thought made my chest hurt.

I catch Solas staring at me. Why? Did he say something that I haven’t noticed? Was he waiting for me to answer? What where we talking about? my head aches even more.

Then he comes closer to me, and lifts his arms up to my face. I feel the healing magic flowing from him, even though his lips aren’t moving to cast a verbal spell. I guess he doesn’t need to voice them.

The thrumming pain in the back of my head subsides as he works his magic.

“Better?” he asks.

How did he know?

“You looked like you were in pain, so I thought… I’m sorry, I hope I wasn’t too intrusive.”

I laughed.

“No, you were not. Thank you.”

He keeps looking at me. “Since when were you having headaches?” Ah. There it was. The wolf that spied things with his sharp eyes that nobody else would see. Trying to solve the puzzle in front of him and asking just the right questions.

I was used to it, by now.

Since the first day in Haven, he had been trying to get me to talk about my past. I couldn’t blame his interest in me, I was different than most elves that were running around here. I didn’t duck my head, I had a straight posture, when Commander Rutherford barked some commands over the battlefield, I couldn’t help but stiffen for the split of a second and I had a vast knowledge concerning old runes that nobody of the mages here had heard of.

I wasn’t careful enough, and of course, Solas had seen it all. He was probably making mental notes inside his head about me. I had to try harder from now on.

“I am not entirely sure, to be honest. They come and go.” It is not a complete lie, which makes it easier to believe. And easier to tell.

He only nods and we both keep looking at the sky while I eat my lunch.

“What are your plans for the rest of the day, lethallin?” he asks eventually. I didn’t really have any plans for today. The hunt went well, we brought back three times the requested amount and thus I was given a day off. 

“Nothing in particular. Why?” I eye him from the side. His face lights up for a second, before it slides back into his usual mask.

“Well, if you’d like, you could come with me then. I heard of an old elven ruin that is close by, but I haven’t gotten the time to explore it until today. And I would be happy if you would accompany me, if you don’t mind.”

I had to think about it. Was this a test? I scanned through the wilderness with your magic while being on hunting duty, and couldn’t detect anything out of the ordinary. So he couldn’t test me on old elven magic, right?

Just then I wanted to smack myself. He probably just wanted someone he could share the wonders of old with. Since there was literally no other elf but me that was so open minded about learning new things about past events.

I quickly nodded and gifted him with a heartfelt smile. He smiled back at me and we started walking to our quarters to grab everything we needed before heading out.

.

.

.

He was already waiting at the front gate when I came. “Excuse me, Alice made me pack in some fresh bread and Flissa gave me some nice looking meat. We can have a lovely picnic in the ruins.” We both laughed at the image in our heads.

I was on my way to the stables when he suddenly stopped me. “If you don’t mind, I prefer walking.” I agree and then we’re good to go.

The icy wind isn’t as icy as usual and even if Solas looks as innocent as a lamb, I was sure that he was secretly casting some magic for me to make the cold a little more bearable. He didn’t say anything and I didn’t ask. But still, the mere thought of him being this caring moved something inside of me.

Wisdom once told me that Solas was the gentlest (and also most foolish) friend she has and with every passing day I was able to see it more. It was endearing.

“How many ruins of our culture have you yet seen, lethallin?” His smooth voice cuts through the silence like a sharpened sword.

“not enough”

He leans over to me, his eyes curious while his mouth stays still in his usual unreadable line of indifference. But eyes can never lie.

And there it begins anew, the dance between us two.

He is taking the lead with his question, as he always does, but I am starting to grow comfortable with his rhythm and catch up to him in no time.

“I have wandered the lands of this earth during my hunts and my travels, have touched old places that were calling out to me, to my blood. But it was never enough. It can never be, Solas. All that is lost, all that was, it will forever stay hidden to me. So no matter how many ruins I am going to see, it will never compensate for the past I will never be able to live.”

It is satisfying for him. I know that. I know him.

I have played the game over and over again in hopes to discover a bit more about him and his character. I couldn’t, of course, as a game is always limited to the aspect of point of views and story forwarding. But this I knew: The grief he feels for the past is so heavy, so great, that it will never be outweighed by any other feeling inside of him. So showing that I too, a modern elf, share his pain… It must be at least a little drop of hope on his stone cold cluster of shame.

One day, I would share that I myself know more about the mentioned cluster, than I would ever admit to anybody else. But not now.

He turns his head, probably scared of not being able to control his emotional mask. Scared of letting me see behind the bars that he himself had built. Little did he know…

“You never seize to surprise me, lethallin. Your strong awareness of what is lost. It is something I haven’t seen in anybody else in the waking world.”

I hum in agreement. I myself, haven’t. Yet.  

The atmosphere grows heavy and I can feel his thoughts drifting off to the dark place inside of him.

“Oh, I get it now. You were trying to swoon me, weren’t you?” I pinch him with my elbow and laugh. He looks extremely uncomfortable which made me laugh even more.

“I would not! I beg your pardon, but I was not!” He hates being made fun of, but he finally realizes what I was trying to do and his face calms down again.

He opens his mouth to say something when I notice a little movement in the corner of my view. He didn’t see it and steps without a care in the world. I sharpen my elven senses. I hear cracking wood. I hear hitching breaths. The screeching of hooves.

Halla? This far in the Mountains? No. It was more likely that they came with someone. Other elves. Friends? Foes? My mind starts racing and when I hear something taking a big step forward into our direction.

“Is something the matter?” He squints his eyes. Can’t he hear that something is happening?

I grab my little dagger and stiffen my pose, but his arm gently pulls me back and takes the little weapon from my hands.

“I see. I am sorry for being so inconsiderate. Please, let me introduce someone to you.”

He claps exactly two times and then I can see two elegant figures coming from behind a big, iced tree.

Two hallas, just as I expected. But no other elves. In fact, they seemed to be as wild and untamed as they could be. Their bodies wearing a proud pattern that I have seen before.  The Frostback basin.

“I can see that this is not the first time you have seen such a pattern.” He states.

“Not in person. No.” Tread careful, Arla.

“Is that so. Fascinating. Will you tell me about it, later?” He wouldn’t let this go, so I knew that trying to talk my way out of this would be meaningless.

“Yes, later. How did you come to know them?” He smirks. Having expected to get this question thrown back to him.

“It is a long story. Later, perhaps?” I smirk as well. And so the dance continues.

“Those two majestic beings will be our ride for today. What, you didn’t think I would let you walk this whole time? We elves have been riding on hallas for a very long time now. Best not to break one of the only correct traditions.” He smiles a little hateful at the end and leads me to the waiting animals.

Without any further ado, I mount the proud Halla while he does the same. He gives me one last look before stirring his mount into a wild gallop. I’m startled. And I feel thrilled. I don’t have the slightest idea where he is going but I follow him nonetheless. Placing my blind trust in his hands.

He suddenly looks up to the sky and starts laughing. “Excellent, lethallin! You’re a true ancestor of our culture. As if you’ve never done anything but riding on a halla like a possessed spirit!”

I start laughing as well. “Well, this was not the kind of compliment I was expecting. But desperate times….” I wave with my hands and he smiles before turning his back to me again. his notably nice back, I might add.

After a while, he slows down to ride beside me and starts explaining the changing scenery around us. It is fascinating and beautiful. His eyes become this magical and stormy violet again as he speaks and I try not to look too much so that he won’t notice his slipping mask.

“In my journey of the fade, I have seen a gigantic well that was overflowing with a golden fluid that tasted as sweet as honey. It was standing right here. Can you see the odd looking formation of stones right there? If you close your eyes and try really hard, you will still be able to make out the shape of the well. It is said that its sweet nectar became the vein that is providing the Frostback basin here with water. It will never stop flowing, and it will never freeze. That is why it is so green around here, even with the ice cold climate in the mountains.”

As we pass the remaining of the ancient well, the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I hope that Solas doesn’t see it. It is just a light brush against my skin. Nothing malicious. Like a welcoming, a sense of recognition. It scares me just as much as it awakens a deep longing inside my rip cage.

“And those gigantic trees over there are smaller versions of the ones I have seen in the fade. They do not compare in size, of course, but the shape is still familiar.”

“he walks the path without a care…” It must have been a place that he regularly had visited before.

How would it feel to come back to earth? After thousands of years. Seeing everything have fallen apart and claimed back by an alien nature. Nothing as it once was. If I am honest with myself, I don’t think I would be able to handle it. not like him.

He was going through this on a daily basis. Always remaining calm when all he can see is his own world being buried underneath this one.

I want to start crying. I want to pull him into a tight embrace and tell him that I know what he feels. Why do I feel so emotional all of a sudden? Something in the air around us must amplify my emotions.

A little sob escapes my lips and in the quietness of nature, I could as well have rung the bells of a church.

“...lethallin?” he is right by my side. Odd, I didn’t see him move. Did he fade step to get to me? He pulls me off my mount and starts searching my face.

“I can sense no physical pain. But something is troubling you.” He cups my face with his hands and forces me to look him straight in the eye. And it is weird, but I feel a strange pull that makes me sleepy… So very sleepy.

Wait. Pull. He is rummaging through my head!

“I’m fine!” the words come out a little too harsh and he immediately snaps his own hands back as if I had burned him.

The rest of the way is understandably quiet.

I don’t even notice when we reach our goal, almost falling over when my halla stops walking. Solas only gives me a concerned look but keeps his thoughts to himself. I don’t blame him, but I still don’t like the development of the trip.

It is just then that I take the time to look around. We are standing in front of an abandoned cave. From my play through of the game, I had expected this place to be packed with avar or at least markings of them. But this cave here and its surrounding were left untouched. As if not even they dared to intrude this place.

It makes me curious. What could lay inside?

I was expecting everything. Everything but this. Nothing. This cave had nothing. It was literally just that. A cave. Between two great rocks.

Apparently the confusion is showing on my face, because Solas tries to stifle a laughter when he sees me.

“Do not worry.  I did not drag you here to show you the most fascinating beauty of a carved cavity. Although this can in fact be truly fascinating. But it is not the thing we came here, for.”

He conjures a little ball of light that glides into the air as soon as it is fully materialized. Solas puts his backpack down and pulls a little leather pouch out of it. It is filled with little pieces of crayon. He hands me one of the tiny sticks and starts drawing a rune on the ground.

I observe him and admire his elegant writing before I’m able to recognize the word he is mapping.  When I do, I know which rune has to follow and look for the best spot to draw it.

I am a little embarrassed as I feel my own handwriting not being nearly as perfect as his, but when I feel the slight stream of magic connecting between our runes, pride starts swelling inside of me. And it leaves me feeling raw.

I realize that I have never done this before. Connecting my magic with someone else’s. It is like combining your fingerprints. Your whole essence of being. Or at least, this is how it feels to me. I can’t help but look over to him, only to find him looking unimpressed.

Right. It shouldn’t feel this special. It is normal for mages to share and connect.

I try to strangle the little feeling of misplaced disappointment until it is gone. Solas grabs the back of my armour to make me step back a little. then he takes my place and draws the last rune. But this time on the wall.

Soft light starts bleeding out of our marks and begin making its way to the last rune. As soon as it is touched by the light, the stones around it begin to change their shape. A door is revealed.

The bow of the doorframe is so tall that we both would fit through it with me standing on his shoulders and it has a very filigree and ornate carvings on it.

He grins. Pleased with himself. Then he opens it as if he has opened it a hundred times leaving me quick to follow the older elf and matching his pace.

“I have been here before in my dreams. I had hoped that… I wasn’t sure if it would work. But I am thrilled that it did.”

I understand his excitement. If he knows this place from his past, it must be incredibly special to him. And he shared this moment with me… I don’t know how to feel about it, but it is not an unpleasant feeling.

I loose whatever I was thinking about as soon as we step into the main chamber. It was made out of pure gold and in the middle was a humongous underground lake. The flying light from before flew past me and into a magical lamp in the middle of the water. Magnifying the light and dipping the whole place into a shimmering sea of honey-coloured gleaming.

“Solas…this is…” I don’t know what to say. What do you say in a surrounding like this?

His eyes reflect the million little rays of light and right in this moment, he truly looks like a god. It makes me feel so small, next to him and I have to fight the urge to kneel down. His pale teeth flash as he speaks. Seeing this, I now know why he is called a wolf.

“Back in the old days, this was where they maintained the well that I have shown you earlier this day. The water is said to taste as sweet as honey. What do you think, should we go and try for ourselves if the myths are true?”

He smiles, teasing me. And I let myself being teased. He steps forward and bows down to cup a bit of water with his hands. I squat down to get to his level and he holds his hands to my face, signalling me to drink from his hands.

I hesitate. His eyes still look like they hold the whole universe in them and then I drink.

I taste water, but also a note of honey. It must have been so much more prominent without the veil and with the magic flowing around freely. But even now, I still taste the sweetness.

I can feel Solas observing me. Studying every inch of my face to find out my reaction to the water. When I open my eyes, his pupils are a little widened and spark with genuine interest.

I don’t say anything and only cup some water with my own hands and then hold them in his direction. He gets to his knees, drinking from my hands and closing his eyes while drinking. Probably feeling all kind of things connected to his past. I observe him just as he has observed me only minutes before.

He is skilled with hiding his emotions. But I can see two different feelings running over his face for the split of a second: relief when he tastes the sweetness and then guilt when he realizes how weak the once so prominent taste is now. A symbol for everything elven.

He manually changes his expression back into a lopsided grin. “Well, I suppose that every myth has a core of truth in it.”  I try to smile as playful as I can but notice myself failing. I need a lot more training with concealing my emotions. He doesn’t care, though and only stands back up again.

“Somewhere inside of here should be an old elven artefact that helps strengthen the veil. If we can find it, the whole area would become a lot safer.” He scans the area while I am still in this squatting position. I wonder, does he really not know where this artefact is, or is he just acting?

I notice his feet pointing a little to the right while his eyes try to neglect the little right corner on the shore.

I stand up and walk into that direction, soon noticing a little uneven spot inside the stones. A little too uneven to be natural. So I pull out the little piece of crayon from before and draw the rune for revealing hidden things.

Something starts rumbling on the ground of the lake. Solas freezes on his spot. So he did know. I feel a small pang of betrayal before reminding myself that he feels like he has to hide in front of me. Just as much as I feel like I have to hide in front of him.

Flat stones come up from the now bubbling surface and form a small path over the lake. The little island on which the lantern was standing, was now revealing the true treasure that it was holding: The globe-formed artefact.

Solas walks up to me. “I guess you have especially keen eyes. Well done, Arla.”

I reward him with a thin smile before answering. “A hunter’s eyes easily spot things that are amiss. It is how we survive.”

We muster each other for a few seconds before while he smiles again and starts stepping on the newfound path. The stones light up at the touch of his feet and I wait for him to reach the island in the middle before following his trail.

He waits with an angel-like patience and holds out his hands as I reach the last stone.

“Come, lethallin. I think I know how to activate it.”  I keep the snide comment that is burning on my tongue, to myself and let him help me.

“do you see this layer of runes? They are in the old language and while it is impossible to translate the literal meaning, the runes do say something about the touch of the old song – meaning the touch of an elven mage. Maybe…if I do this… oh! This should do the trick.” He reaches out with his palms and the globe starts spinning under his touch.

The touch of the old song that is sung by the one. Little does he know that I can read the old language. It can’t be just any elven mage. It must be the mage that has created the veil. The song that was sung by one. By him. I hate that I know he’s lying to me. I hate that I can’t confront him. And I hate that I myself have to lie to him as well.

The emerald colour of fade magic flashes through the cave and tints the wall into a mixture green and gold, leaving this place looking even more surreal. But it also does something else. I can feel the magical sweetness from the water being drained as the veil grows stronger again. So it really does strengthen the veil.

At least he didn’t lie in this point.

His honesty shouldn’t feel as comforting as it does.

I turn around to see his expression growing dark again. guilt making itself a home inside his heart. So I gulp down every negative feeling I have and take his hand as I slowly lead him away from this chamber. We stop on the entrance, each giving this place one last look before stepping outside again, where we’re greeted by a deep red sunset.

“It is best not to linger. This land is dangerous at day and even more so at night.” We silently agree to ride as fast as we can to get some good distance between us and the Frostback basin.

It is deep at night when we finally see the dim torchlights of Haven again. We say our goodbyes to our special friends and walk the last part back to camp.

“thank you, for today.” I can feel the thousand words behind this one sentence and reach out to grab his wrist. In the fade, I have learned that this was the proper way to say goodbye back then. It was akin to the greeting of the dalish, but more elegant and subtle.

He swallows and retreats without saying anything else.

I am sure that he was trying to test me today. But I am not sure whether the result is a good one. All I know is that he showed me a side of himself today, that leaves me with more questions than true answers. It must be the same for him.

When I finally reach my quarter again, I already know that I won’t dare to sleep. Scared to find Solas in my dreams. And even more scared if I don’t find him there. The latter keeps me staring at the ceiling until the first rays of sunlight crawl up on my skin.

Chapter Text

I kept to my word and stayed awake for the whole night. Too afraid to visit the land of dreams. I knew that I gave away too much of myself, I just knew it. And yet, when I saw the deep and ugly sadness behind his eyes, I couldn't stay still, couldn't let him fall even deeper down the rabbit hole.

He was a Somniari, someone that was able to actively visit other people in their dreams. And assassinate them in those. And after everything, I was afraid that he might try the latter. I was something unknown to him, something suspicious. Dangerous, even.

I wish I could talk to Wisdom right now. She would help me, sooth my worries. Tell me that I did the right thing. I needed to make him see that he was not alone. And I made my choice. I would stay beside him until the end. But if I made one wrong step, acted one time too hasty, it might get me killed.

Back when I was on earth, I received special training for surviving in lethal zones and during my missions, I was confronted with death on a daily basis. I knew that I could die within a second. A thought that I got used to.

I always thought that when I die, I would finally reunite with all the people that I had lost in my life. But now...Now I knew that I would never get to see them again, not even in death. And that was what made me so afraid of dying here. Knowing that then, everything about them would be forever lost to me.

I felt the ceiling creeping closer to me and my stomach filling itself with lead. It came crashing down on me like a cold and it was all too much for my soul.

My mother's laughter kept haunting me and in my head. I repeatedly begged for forgiveness since I survived the end of the world, and yet I felt so unworthy.

"Mom, I'm so sorry. You raised an unworthy daughter." But she kept smiling and laughing. Apathetically rewinding my favourite memories of her facial expression and twisting them in the process. Until they were nothing but a dull and empty shell. An effigy of my own reality.

Darkness was omnipresent and hanging in the air like a gigantic Damocles sword. Ready to fall onto me and slicing me open if I made a wrong move, or following the wrong trail of thought.

I remained in this exact state for hours, too scared to move, or to think and only breathing then and when because Arulin kept nudging her head against mine whenever she stopped hearing the air circulating through my lungs.

I was already sitting straight on top of the mattress when I heard the pair of boots stomping up the stairs and a heavy sounding glove knocking on the wooden door that separated my personal hell from the rest of Thedas.

"You're gonna answer that for me?" Arulin only stretched herself out next to me and shot me an angry look before going back to sleep. Well, that was that, obviously.

"huntress Arla, Lady Montilyet is awaiting you."

Seriously, does this woman ever sleep? How can she await anyone this early?

I got up and splashed some cold water into my face, hoping for it to help get rid of the tiredness that was clearly showing under my eyes. The rather impatient human man in front of my chamber insisted that there was really no time to get "all dressed up" and gave me one hell of a dirty look when I finally stepped through the frame.

I found out - to literally no one's surprise - that he wasn't lying. Josephine had really been waiting for me, although she of course didn't show it when I entered. All she did was gifting me with one of her polite smiles and a gesture that meant for me to sit down at the other side of her wooden desk.  The candle on her scribbling board was burnt down to its stub. Apparently I wasn't the only one with sleeping issues. Maybe something we could bond over with a cup of warm Earl Grey.

Yeah.

"Lady Arla, it is so good to see you." Was it, though? To me, this felt like having a "talk" with my former instructor after messing up a mission goal.

"It is just as wonderful to see you, this morning. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Josephine was always very insistent on manners and me showing some towards her, made her smile. A good sign. As far as I was able to read her mood. And who could ever read the mood of a true player of the Game?

"I understand that this must seem rather strange to you, but I promise you that there was no ill intent involved in inviting you into my office this early. It is, in fact, the very opposite. Your well-doing is giving the people hope. We are stocking up on hunting goods faster than we have ever expected and First Hunter Ren reported that the other hunters have become significantly better after your instructions. But not only that, your enormous knowledge of herbs and your well-known eagerness made it possible to have enough supplies for our little make-shift hospital. Your mere presence has been a true enrichment to the whole inquisition."

Something sounded off. Has been a true enrichment? Oh... Something just clicked inside my brain.

"You want me to leave."

She looked shocked but I knew that it was an expression she must have been practising in her time at the Orleasian court. It was the kind of shocked that you pretend to be when you've got found out.

"No, not at all. The loss would be ours. But we know that you could do whatever you wanted to do with your talent. And we do not want to keep you from anything. So if you'd wish to go, we would let you. No hard feelings involved, I promise."

She was good, I had to give her that.

"No, I do not wish to leave the Inquisition, Lady Josephine. Not now, not ever. I know where I'm needed and that my place is here."

Her whole face lit up like a little child in candy-wonderland.

Only then did I realise the trap that I had walked in. Her smile was sheepish, but her mind was not. She had me literally vowing myself to the Inquisition. Probably because she had a task for me that I would not like.

You deserve this, unworthy daughter

I tried to push the image of my smiling mother to the side. Seeing her like this and hearing her speak those words felt like spoiling the memento of her.

"That is so good to hear, Lady Arla! We wouldn't know what to do without you. That is exactly why we need you to go to the Crossroads in the Hinterlands. There is a refugee camp and we have received reports that there is an acute shortage and that the people are starving. We need to do something to ensure their safety in those difficult times. And who would be better than our best hunter? I know, no one. You will accompany the heralds troupe; they will leave tomorrow morning. Please let my assistant know whatever you need for the travel and he will provide it for you"

She was already starting to write things down again on her notepad and I knew I was dismissed.

I would travel together with the herald? This would be... greatly uncomfortable. Not only did I have to watch out for you-know-who, but also for the Herald who happened to be a true Dalish elf. If I made only one mistake, she could debunk my stories within a second. And that could mean my death. Again.

I have been avoiding the beautiful red-haired elven woman for the last past weeks. Maybe this didn't go by unnoticed. Maybe this was all a test to see if my stories could withstand a true Dalish? I suddenly felt a cool chill from behind and as I looked back, I noticed a pair of black raven eyes staring at me. Shortly after that, the creepy bird flew away and left a bitter taste on my tongue.

Not that I had paranoia issues whatsoever.

I tried to keep my pace as steady as possible on my way back to my chamber and made an extra big detour to avoid a certain bald elf. I wasn't in the right mood to get into his line of sight.

Coward. My mother's voice sounded spiteful.

And unfortunately, my fate's sense of humour was as dark as night.

"Lethallin."

 I wasn't sure if he really spoke to me, or if this was an echo inside my brain. But when I turned my head, I already saw him looking at me.

He made a quick movement to the side and started walking towards his little hut. I knew that I was meant to follow him and started cussing internally as I walked past the apothecary.

I mustered him as I followed the thin figure through the fresh snow. His posture was tensed and his skin seemed more transparent than the day before. The tunic he wore had wrinkles all over, he probably went to bed in it.

He seemed somewhat short tempered. I assumed that he either didn't sleep at all -like me - or that he didn't find the answers he was looking for in the fade.

When I entered, he closed the door behind me a little too hasty, which caused a big bang.

I could smell different herbs on him when he pulled his arm back. All of which were used for different scents to induce a lucid dream. So he had tried to seek me out in my dreams. It felt like the temperature around me dropped some degrees instantly.

The synapses inside my brain started playing out all the possible scenarios of how this could have gone down and in all of them, I end up never waking up again.

He straightens his back and I can feel his aura poking at me, looking for an entrance to interrogate me from within.

He was scary. Ready to jump at me if I said something weird.

"I have questions." His voice was calm as always, but looking past that porcelain mask of his, I knew that he was everything but calm inside.

In this moment, he reminded me of the stoic and psychopathic terrorist I once faced when my unit was supposed to destroy a cell inside the country that was trying to sell a bio-weapons to Russia.

The conjured memory did not help my nerves.

"Ask away." I tried the same spiel as him. Tried to look as calm as possible, but I was sure that I failed miserably. He made me nervous. Not in a good way. How could anybody possibly think of him as an innocent elven apostate when everything he conveyed was the perfect image of a born predator? How could they all be blinded by the mere shape of his ears?

"You know more then you let on. The runes we drew yesterday were as old as Arlathan itself. Where did you come to know of them?"

I imagined him sitting right on here his bed, trying to fit all the puzzle pieces that I had given away on our little trip into his brilliant mind. Then his stumbling over mismatching information from my side and the failure to see the great picture. And then, because he is who he is, finding the right question to ask that would let my house of cards, crumble underneath his fingertips.

Yes- there he was again. The wolf. Observing and puzzling things together that were hidden to most people's eyes.

"You knew them as well." It was a petty attempt to throw the suspicion back at him. I almost laughed at my pathetic self.

He only scoffed angrily at me and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yes, Arla. I do. I have wandered the fade, every night of my life. I found them on one of my journeys through a thousand years old dream. But you, how do you know them? A mere Ex-Dalish? I sensed some magic inside of you, even if you insist on being a simple hunter and I didn't say something because of the difficult times we live in, but...."  his mind started racing again and so did mine.

Suddenly kick-starting back to life, I remembered who I was and what I have been trained for. I was "educated" separately from most people inside the army. A secret catastrophe prevention unit. How well that played out, well, we all know the story. But I have been trained for interrogations. Been there, done that.

Focus. Use half lies. Use the information you have about him.

I searched the room for something I could use and found an old tome lurking from under one of his hundred books inside the rather small shelf next to his nightstand.

"A tome. My clan used to have an old, elven tome. My keeper called it the book of secrets. Legends say, that it was passed on generation after generation and dates back to the day of Arlathan. It spoke to those that were gifted with magic because of the soul that was bound to it. In your dreams, it would try to talk to you, but not all were able to understand what it told them. Many described the words they heard as gibberish. But as the possible next keeper, it was my job to learn from it. it was my job to learn about what was lost. Maybe it was that intention in mind that helped me understand it's content."

He touched his chin as he thought about what I had said. "A tome. In the old language, I assume?"

"It did not speak to me in such. It was the reason almost no one understood what it wanted from them. They were, in a way, much more narrow minded. Bound to false traditions. I, however, just wanted to learn, regardless of what it would change of the things that I already knew. When it spoke to me for the first time, it did so in Common. It showed me many things of the past. Many of which I could not share with my clan. They thought I lied to them and started avoiding me for the rest of the time."

Disgust showed on his face. It was something he would expect the Dalish to do.

He eventually nodded, but I knew that I wasn't fully off the hook. He was still thinking, processing. And I was patient. As much as I needed to be. Claiming back my calm with each syllable of my story.

"Does it still speak to you?"

I averted my eyes and tried to focus on the frame of his window. A straight out display of shame. "No. not since..." I close my eyes, replaying false memories of my "painful past".

I knew that using his negative feelings towards everything Dalish was a low-blow. But it was what would keep me alive. Until I was finally able to trust him with the full truth.

"You left your clan because of another petty and childish tradition. I understand. Please don't be ashamed. The Dalish are foolish to toss away such a grant opportunity to regain something of their ancestors and the loss is obviously on their side, lethallin. Thank you... and forgive my rudeness. With all the fear in the mistrust in the air... It is rare to find someone with a common understanding regarding the past. I am most interested in what this book of secret taught you. Perhaps you can tell me more on our travel to the hinterlands?"

So he knew. Did everyone but me know?

I gave him a pressed "gladly" and left the cabin. 

The cold air hitting my face without mercy. It felt like the well-deserved punishment for my net of lies that was spun all around me. But I won another day to live. Another day to help where I was needed most.

This morning could not have started any worse.

"Could" as in "that's what she said before shit went to hell".