Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

His mother is strangely excited for this visit to earth, he can’t say why. She won’t tell him why either. So when the car stops and she leads him inside the embassy building, she runs into a room and squeals Winni!

Spock is confused, to say the least. His mother is hugging another woman very tightly, and the two are laughing and talking- friends. This is mother’s friend.

And then there’s a little boy, sitting a few feet away from them. His eyes are blue, and he smiled warmly.

“Hey, you’re Spock right?” He hops out of the chair and comes over “Half human, half Vulcan?”

Spock blinks, then swallows and nods. He just met this boy and already he’s-

“I’m Jim!” He holds up the ta’al and smiles “I’m three and I’m the world’s first half betazoid, half human.” He grins brightly “We have something in common.”

Spock stares, then holds up his own ta’al. “My name is Spock. I am approximately 6 terran years. It appears that we do.”

His mother squeals, so does “Winni”

“Winni” as it turns out, is Winona Kirk. Mother’s friend, and Jim’s mother, and the husband of the late betazoid starfleet officer George Kirk. She is kind, and replicates them both sandwiches for lunch.

Spock leaves that day with Jim’s email. His heart is warm in his side.

He doesn’t know it yet, but this is the beginning of something amazing.

Spock wakes up and checks his PADD, just like every morning. Three emails from teachers, five from the teacher he’s being a teaching assistant for, one from Nyota, one from Montgomery on delta vega (It’s cold send me blankets and a sandwich I KNOW YOU’RE READING THESE SPOCK)-

Spock gets to the bottom of his inbox, stares. It’s the list of people who will be playing his “crew” on the kobuyashi maru later in the week.

Serving as Science Officer- James T. Kirk (3rd Year Cadet, sciences division, half-betazoid, half-human, student ID *****653)

That isn’t possible.

James T. Kirk is dead.

He goes into his saved emails, opens up the last one Jim sent with practiced speed. It was sent in ‘54, when Jim was 11 and Spock was 14. After all these years, he can probably recite it from memory.

Spock-

You shouldn’t have to apologize to them, so don’t. Please don’t. You deserve more than that and they deserved what you did to them. Calling Amanda that- those god awful assholish bastards (and no I don’t care that assholish is not a word)

Okay, now that I got my anger out… I have a confession.

I promised to tell you if Frank hurt me too bad and he didn’t but-

He was gonna sell the car. My dad’s car and that car isn’t his to sell so I… I kinda drove it off a cliff? DON’T FREAK OUT I’M FINE but I’m in trouble. I’m getting sent off world to live with my aunt and uncle, which is actually pretty great because they probably won’t beat me for being a freak. But, yeah. Trouble. Sorry.

I’m actually getting on the shuttle now- I gotta go! Talk again when I land on Tarsus IV, okay?

Stay strong friend, half-breed power is no joke.

Jim.

Spock ran his finger over that last line, Jim’s usual sign off. He’d replied the afternoon it was received, but he never received a response from Jim, because Jim had died in the massacre…

Right?

He swallowed thickly, then tapped on Jim’s email address to send a new message. It probaby wouldn’t work, it was probably a fluke, he was probably going to get the same this message did not go through error message he had gotten every other time-

1 new email. From: James Kirk <[email protected]> Subject: RE: Jim? Content: HOLY SHIT

Chapter Text

James Kirk was born in a storm.

His father was a good man. His name was George, he was born on Haven, and he fell in love with a young human named Winona who came to Haven on vacation. It took his parents about a week to fall in love, and Winona already had a son from a jerky ex who fucked her and left her.

George takes her and Sam and loves them to bits. They join Starfleet together, George gets Winona pregnant again. He’s ecstatic.

His last words are I love you.

Jim hears him say this, but they’re the only words he ever hears his father say. And he can’t even remember him saying them.

He meets Spock when he’s three, and it’s awesome. Sam likes him, sure, but he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get what it’s like to constantly feel the sea of emotions, to be able to shoot a thought and emotion into someone’s head if he concentrates enough. Sam doesn’t get teased or called weird, he doesn’t get sick constantly because of his weird genetics.

And Spock does. Spock gets it, and he becomes Jim’s closest confidant.

So when his mom goes back to space a few months later and leaves him in the care of her new husband Frank (and why did she remarry anyway? Frank wasn’t her imzadi, he didn’t have the connection Jim had heard stories about. What was the point?)

Spock is the one he tells when Frank smacks him for the first time.

Spock cares a lot for someone who’s supposed to be emotionless, and he tries to help, he honestly does. It warms Jim’s heart that he tries, no one else does. Like he said- Sam is nice but they aren’t close. Sam just doesn’t get it and…

And maybe if Jim had tried harder he wouldn’t have left. He wouldn’t have left Jim all alone with Frank.

Jim feels sick when Sam walks away.

Years later, when he’s 11, he gets sent off world as “punishment” but he has a feeling it’s actually his mom finally listening to him and getting him away from Frank.

It ends up being one hell of a punishment.

Hate. Tarsus IV is full of hate. It echoes off of everyone in waves, it makes Jim throw up what little food he gets. He is physically ill by the negative that radiates off the planet and into Jim’s head. He is starving, he is sick, and everyone says they should kill the weak link.

Jim lost his PADD, he can’t call for help.

So he runs. He runs until he can’t move anymore. The gaurds find him, drag him kicking and screaming to.. To…

Kodos grabs him by the neck, stabs him in the side. Much like Spock’s telepathy, contact makes everything abruptly clear.

Kodos is so twisted inside, and Jim’s never been trained in the mental disiplines that other Betazoids were trained in.

Instinctively, his mind lashes out.

Kodos drops him.

Jim’s world goes dark.

Sound comes back. Voices. But it’s dark, it’s black. Jim is scared, terrified. He starts screaming, and no one can shush him.

Until he feels the familiar concern of mother’s worry it’s the same thing he felt when he fell out of a tree before mom left and mom mom mom-

Jim breaks down crying, and his mother’s cool hands rock him until he calms down again. She tells him that he’s out, he’s back on earth, he’s home.

Then she explains why it’s so dark.

Jim using his powers to such an extreme was too much, and something had to give. He technically had a minor stroke. He could get the retinax or lasik surgery… if he wasn’t allergic to the medicines for those. In other words, he’s screwed.

Something occurs to him, and he starts sobbing anew. His mom asks what’s wrong and he says that F rank is gonna hurt me even more now-

Winona snorts. “That asshole is gone. It’s just you and me now kid, okay?”

Jim sobs in releif.

Jim spends half a year on Haven, learning how to shield and how to mentally speak to others. He learns how to live with his blindness, and excels in school. The first time he mentally communicates with his mom she cries, says he sounds just like his dad and he would be so proud Jim-

It makes Jim’s heart soar with joy.

He feels kinda guilty when, three years later, he thinks of Spock.

He’s relearned how to use a PADD and he finally thinks of it. One problem- Spock’s email was never committed to memory. And his inbox and contacts were wiped clean.

Oh well. Spock’s probably forgotten all about him now.

Jim focuses on his studies- he’s two grades ahead of where he should be despite his blindness. Science is his absolute favorite subject- his mom is pleased when he starts researching starfleet requirments. She writes him a letter of recommendation, then invites his dad’s old friend Christopher Pike over for dinner. Captain Pike is… really really really cool. He offers Jim an invite to his ship, and says he will most definitely write Jim a shining letter of recommendation.

He meets Leonard McCoy when he walks into his dorm and trips and falls on his face. Leonard left a beer bottle in the middle of the floor. He doesn’t apologize of help Jim up. When he finds out Jim is blind, he still doesn’t apologize.

Jim likes him.

7 Months later, he allows Jim to “see” him for the first time, and the first thing out of Jim’s mouth is “why the hell are you so skinny? I’m gonna fix that. You’re all bony.”

Bony transforms into bonesy which then gets shortened to Bones.

Needless to say, they request to be roommates again next year.

Third year of starfleet, Jim gets assigned to play the science officer on a command track student’s Kobuyashi Maru exam. He doesn’t read the email.

When his PADD announces “1 new email from “Spock” <[email protected]>” Jim charges at the PADD and falls off his bed when he grabs it. “PADD, read new email!” He orders, and there’s a beep.

The PADD reads-

“Jim-

Someone named James Kirk has been assigned as my science officer for a test in the academy. I know of no other Half-betazoid half-human James Kirks. If it is you, please respond.”

Jim is shaking. Short and to the point, just like always. Spock Spock. He didn’t forget about him after all these years.

“PADD, dictate reply, all caps.” there was a beep and Jim shouted “HOLY SHIT!” before sending the email.

Chapter Text

There was a knock, and Jim rushed the door.

He’d memorized the layout of his dorm, and after the beer bottle incident when they met Bones took extra care to clean the apartment properly. Even through the door he could tell who it was. Even with one singular memory to compare the feeling to, he knew who it was.

He opened the door and breathed “Spock?”

“Jim.” Came the response. His voice was so much deeper than it was the last time they had video chatted when Spock was 14. Vulcan puberty kicked in for males around 16 or 17, so Spock had grown and his voice it made Jim’s knees weak. “You are alive.”

Jim blinked “Yeah. Come in.” He stepped back, closing the door once he felt Spock standing on his floorboards. “You thought I was dead?”

Spock was probably looking at him, and he heard Spock say- voice soft and gentle like Jim was a scared animal- “The last I heard from you, you were on Tarsus-”

“And you thought I died there.” Jim shook his head. “Oh, Spock- I’m sorry. My PADD got destroyed and wiped clean and me and mom were so concerned about everything-”

“You lost the address?” Spock asked, and Jim nodded. “And by the time I relearned how to use a PADD-”

“Relearned?”

Jim smiled weakly “Blind, Spock. I-” He swallowed “Kodos he…”

“Oh Jim,” Spock replied. His voice was soft but not pitying, and thank god for that because he had been given enough pity for a whole lifetime. Jim sighed a little and looked away. “So… what now?”

“I believe,” Spock began after a moment’s pause “that if you are amenable, I would enjoy buying you lunch.”

Jim blinked out of habit, then broke into a smile. “I’d love lunch. Let me go get my cane- is my shirt dirty? My roommate left before I got dressed so I had to guess.”

“You are dressed appropriately for the academy cafeteria.” Spock replied, “but nothing fancier.”

Jim snorted, then started laughing. One would think that after all these years, it would be awkward. In the end, it was so easy to fall back into this normalcy with Spock.

“What was the argument I made…” he muttered as he grabbed his cane and sneakers “it’s logical for two half-breeds to be friends?”

“You were, and are, correct.” Spock assured, and Jim grinned.

“Okay so I’m guessing you’re not awesome enough to have hung out with a blind person before, but when I go on walks with people in populated areas, I kinda like having an arm to hold, so I’m not walking into anybody.” He held out his arm. “Don’t worry, I’m shielding.”

“I am as well,” Spock promised, taking the arm. “I am afraid I am not, as you said, “awesome enough” to have spent any time with anyone with impaired vision though. I do not know how to properly guide you. I am actually quite surprised I have not offended you in some way.”

“Anyone with impaired vision.” Jim echoed, smiling and grabbing his sunglasses off the table by the door “that's probably the politest way I've ever heard someone admit to not knowing how to interact with a blind person. Consider yourself awesome enough to hang with a visually impaired person now, cause you’re doing great.” He slid them on his face, then opened the door. “C’mon. Let’s go get lunch.”

They had videochatted quite frequently as children, but Spock had not spent any real in person time with Jim since he was five. Logically, the conversation and interactions should be awkward and stilted. But they weren’t. In fact, Spock interacted more easily with Jim than he did with Nyota. It was almost strange how easy it was to slip back into old habits and old places.

They talked for hours, ended up eating lunch and dinner before Jim’s PADD started buzzing and said 7 new messages from “Bones”

Jim blinked “PADD, read messages.”

“Message one: “HELP” Message two: “I’VE LOST MY BLIND PERSON” Message three “WINONA’S GONNA KILL ME.” Message four: “Seriously Jim where’d you go?” Message five: “I’M GONNA DRINK ALL THE BEER” Message six-”

“Pause.” Jim interrupted “Dictate reply!”

There was a beep and Jim began speaking “Bones- comma- I swear to god I will- caps lock- END YOU- period.” Jim paused for a moment, then said “Send.”

There was a swooshing sound as the message was sent, and Jim snorted. “I’ve lost my blind person. He’s hilarious.”

“Your roommate?” Spock asked, and Jim nodded “my best friend. And my eyes half the time. He’s playing pilot for your exam. God knows why, he’s a med student.”

“It is important that everyone know multiple bridge roles, even the ship’s doctors.” Spock replies, taking a bite of his salad. Jim inclined his head, then stretched. “We should get back though. It’s- PADD! Time!”

“Current time: 21:23 hours”

“Jesus christ!” Jim yelped “How did it get so late?!”

“Researching question: “How did it get so late?” Please wait…”

“Cancel!” Jim groaned, smacking the screen of his PADD and then turning it off.

“Do you often get into shouting matches with your PADD?” Spock tilted his head “you seem to not like using it.”

“I programmed the voice myself, and I hate her half the time.” Jim said, waving the PADD in the air. “She’s rude.”

“How is a computer rude?” Spock asked, confused now.

Jim snorted “oh man do not get me started.” He stood up “c’mon, let's go. You’re walking me home.”

Spock took his arm again, and it was just like earlier. The streets were less crowded now, and Jim kept up the conversation as they walked.

“- and now that we have more than just emails we can play message chess! Or regular chess, you just have to move the pieces for me. It’s-”

“Jim.” Spock interrupted “I do not believe I made you aware of how very… glad I am that you are alive.”

Jim blinked behind his sunglasses, then smiled. “Careful mister, glad is an emotion.” He teased, then squeezed Spock’s arm. “I’m glad to be alive. And I’m really glad you’re alive. I missed you. And you don’t need to say it-” he tapped his head “empath, remember? I’m shielding but you of all people know that only does so much, especially when you’re in close contact to someone.”

“Indeed.” Spock agreed. “We have arrived at the steps, unless you would prefer to take the lift?”

“Nah, I need step practice.” Jim said “I know how many there are but I’m always scared of walking them alone…” he pulled his arm away and folded up his cane. “Walk behind me, don’t talk, act like you’re not there-” he glanced back to smiled sheepishly “unless you see me falling. Then catch me. Rule one of having a blind friend is do not let your blind friend fall down the stairs. Well, actually rule one is don't let them walk into a busy street, but the stairs are a close second.”

“I will not let you fall.” Spock promised. Jim snorted, then started up the steps. Spock walked silently behind him, watching him carefully. Jim did stumble at one point, but they got to Jim’s floor without Jim needing Spock’s help.

Jim grinned. “See? I’m awesome.”

Spock sighed in a sort of agreement. “Should I take your arm again?”

“Nah. The hallway is familiar territory.” Jim ran his fingers along the wall, feeling the name plates on each door. “You can go now.”

“Is it not tradition for me to walk to to your door?” Spock replied, following him. Jim laughed, nodding once.

They got to the door, and it swished open.

“I should return to my dorm now.” Spock told him, and Jim smiled. “Don’t you dare not message me tomorrow.”

“As you wish.” Spock replied, turning to walk away.

“Spock!” Jim called. Spock stopped walking, and he looks back. “Yes?”

Jim grinned “stay strong friend, half-breed power is no joke, remember?”

Spock had to fight a smile. “I do remember.”

Jim grinned, then went inside.

Chapter Text

He’d told Spock about dad when he was 6 and Spock was 9.

“Spock,

I wanna tell you about my dad.

He was a betazoid, his name was George. From what sam and mom tell me, he was tall. He looked like me. He- supposedly, he was a great man. A man who everyone loved.

I wanna be like him, Spock. What if I’m never as good as him…”

Spock had replied, in one of the shortest letters Jim ever received from him. “You will be, Jim.”

The kobuyashi maru was, clearly, meant to be unbeatable. Spock had taken it 5 times already, and each time, death. This was his last chance, he had to win.

He sat in the captain’s seat on the bridge, glanced around. Nyota was on communications, McCoy was in the pilot’s seat, and to his left was Jim, fitting a bluetooth earpiece in his ear so his instruments weren’t playing their readings through the ship's speakers. Spock took a deep breath, and it began.

“Klingon ships sir, 600 kilometers and closing.” Jim recited, and Spock nodded in acknowledgment “thank you, Mr. Kirk. Mr. McCoy, lock phasers. Ms. Uhura, take us to red alert.” Calm. Collected. A cool head was necessary for a captain.

“Sir they’ve locked phasers!” Jim reported, and Spock raised his chin. “Evasive maneuvers. Mr. McCoy, are our phasers locked?”

“Ready to fire sir,” McCoy responded, dodging the first shot. Spock watched for a moment. Now. “Fire!”

McCoy fired and-

And it worked.

Spock stared at the ships as they imploded. Silence fell, except for the hum of false engines and the beep of the red alert. That was… That was…

He’d used that maneuver before. It was too easy and it… it hadn’t worked before.

“Sir?”

Spock blinked and looked over at Jim, who was sitting straight in his seat. “Should we continue on?”

“... yes. Ahead warp 4, Mr. McCoy.” Spock ordered, and there was a beep as the simulation ended. The others started cheering, but Spock’s mind was reeling. How did it work? Why did it work this time? Why was it so-

“That’s enough!”

Spock turned to see Admirals Nogura and Archer standing there, looking angry. “Cadet Spock, I must say, I am disappointed. You have such promise.”

Spock blinked “Sir I-”

“Hacking the test?” Nogura shook his head “That is a direct violation of-”

“He didn’t sir.” Jim interrupted, rising and taking his cane before walking over. “I did. Spock didn’t know about it.”

“Kirk.” Archer scowled “Considering your track record, I’m not surprised. However, it remains that Spock was the captain- and the captain is responsible for the actions of his crew.”

Nogura looked down his nose at both of them, and his eyes were dark, like Sarek’s. Spock suddenly felt about three inches tall.

“Please await summons for an academic trial, both of you,” he said, and then he and Archer walked out. “Dismissed cadets!”

Nyota stared, then whirled around to glare at Jim. “What the hell kirk?!”

“I didn’t know they would-” Jim turned in Spock’s general direction and his eyes were wide. “I’m so sorry-”

“You just had to go and drag Spock down with you?” Nyota snapped. “It’s bad enough that you-”

“Look if you’re still mad about Gaila-”

“You really just don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself do you?!” Nyota snarled. Then she stomped out of the sim. McCoy sighed from behind Spock and went to the door, glancing back. “I’ll… give you two a minute.”

He left them alone, and Jim sighed. “I am sorry, Spock. I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“You cheated.” Spock’s voice was barely above a whisper. “You… you hacked the test?”

Jim winced. “It’s a bullshit test. It’s not even possible to win it. You… You’re a good student and You’ll be a great captain-”

“Unless we both get discharged from Starfleet at the academic hearing.” Spock interrupted voice cold. Jim flinched. “I didn’t think they would- I’m sorry I-”

“Jim.” Spock felt his jaw tighten. “I believe it would be prudent if we did not speak for approximately 25.63854 hours.”

Jim winced. “Is that your way of saying “get out before I do something I’ll regret?”

“Yes.” Spock snapped. And then he turned on his heel and left Jim behind him.

The 25.6 something hours Spock has asked for turned into three days. Then, his PADD buzzed and said “ 1 New Message from “Spock””

“Read it.”

“Message: I believe it would be prudent to meet and discuss how we will handle the trial tomorrow.”

“Dictate reply.” there was a beep and Jim said “Yeah- period. Lunch at the caf- question mark.” He paused to let the machine process, then said “Send.”

He sighed and flopped back on his bed. He wasn’t allowed in any of his classes, he was grounded- Mom was pissed. Everywhere he went he could feel more eyes on him than normal- he was the stupid cadet who cheated and possibly brought the top student down with him.

He groaned as he thought about it. Spock’s anger was cold, Jim pictured it as sharp icy blue. Empathy plus blindness equaled something not dissimilar to synesthesia, at least for Jim. It was less him and more like that was how he pictured emotions in his head. Everyone was different, every emotion was different. Nyota’s anger had been orange, Bones’ disappointment was a sick green, and Spock’s anger had been a sharp icy blue that left Jim with cold fingertips.

“1 New Message from “Spock””

“Read.”

“Message: Would you like me to meet you or would you like me to come and walk with you?”

Jim blinked, then smiled gently. The offer was an olive branch, probably. “Dictate reply.” He waited for the beep, then said “I’ll meet you there- period. Send!”

Then he grabbed the PADD and his cane and his sunglasses and shoes. He took the lift down since stairs were the enemy when he was alone. He walked out of his dorm, tapping his cane rhythmically. He could hear the echoes of the taps, hear the footsteps of others. He could feel the faintest vibrations as their feet struck the ground through his shoes. It was a nice day, at least. Warm. Slightly windy. He arrived at the school cafeteria, and heard someone call “Jim.”

Jim hummed, latched on to the emotions that were recognizable as Spock’s and went over to the table he was at. “I’m at the right place right?”

“Indeed.” Spock rumbled, and Jim sighed.

“Look… I can feel that you’re not actively angry with me but… Spock I am so sorry. So so so incredibly sorry. Words can’t even describe type of sorry. I’ll let you look in my mind to prove it if that’s what it takes. I don’t expect you to forgive me-”

“That will not be necessary.” Spock interrupted. “For now, let us decide what we will do tomorrow.”

Jim blinked, then sighed, nodding. “Whatever you say, Spock.”

Chapter Text

The sea of red was almost dangerous looking. He and Jim stood side by side, standing at the podium and looking directly at the admirals in front of them.

“Let us begin.” Archer said. “You two are accused of tampering with starfleet property, maiming academic code, breaking conduct befitting of a starfleet officer, and underhanded manipulation of a test-”

“In common vernacular.” Komack finished “You are accused of hacking and cheating.”

“We plead guilty on all charges except” Spock said firmly “those of breaking the conduct.”

“On what grounds?”

“On the grounds that starfleet teaches us to think outside of the box and think around a problem.” Jim spoke up. “And the test was unbeatable, so I simply changed it.”

“That does bring up the question of how you did so.” Nogura said “if you had help-”

“Objection.” Jim said quickly. “I didn’t have any help sir. I used my speech to text program and a braille keyboard. There is no need to punish anyone else- including Cadet Spock. He had no clue what I was going to do.”

“He was the one taking the test, and if it was a real situation he would be responsible for the actions of his crew.”

“If it was a real situation, there would have been some way to save the ‘Maru and ourselves.” Jim insisted.

“You are not accounting for the possibility of a no-win scenario-”

“I don’t believe in no-win scenarios.” Jim insisted, and Spock had to stare at him for a moment. Jim was so firm in his beliefs. He wished he was able to say he was so confident.

“That is unwise.” Nogura said “You of all people should know that death can’t be cheated.”

Spock had to grab Jim to keep him from jumping over the podium and beating someone up.

There was a beep from the computer and Spock tried to feel calm as best he could, in the hopes that it would calm Jim down even a little.

“Stop that.” Jim hissed. “Stop projecting. I don’t wanna calm down- they can’t just-”

“This trial is on hold.” Nogura suddenly announced. “There’s a distress signal from Vulcan.”

“-McCoy, Enterprise, Dismissed, good luck cadets.”

Jim frowned, and then ran after the man who had been assigning ships. “Sir, you forgot me and-”

“You and Cadet Spock are grounded, Kirk.” He snapped. “Dismissed.”

Jim’s jaw dropped as the man walked away, and he felt Spock’s energy behind him. Without turning, Jim started raging.

“Are they serious?! If the Vulcan armada needs our help then they need every man they can get! It’s your planet if anyone should be going it’s you!” He whirled around “This is bullshit.”

“I am not disagreeing with you.” Spock replied tightly, and he’d never admit to it but Jim could feel him doing a god awful job of suppressing his fear.

“Look, you two…” Bones began and Jim sighed. “No. Bones, go. We’ll… we’ll be here I guess.” he could feel his friend’s eyes on him. “... God dammit if I end up at one of those hearings for this I’m gonna punch you both in the face.” Bones snapped. And then there was the hiss of a hypo, and Spock barely asked what happened when he dropped like a stone and his emotions went calm when he passed out. “Jim, I need you to play along.” Bones said before pressing a hypo to Jim’s neck. Instantly, he felt dizzy, light headed, sick. Bones dragged him and Spock to a shuttle, saying something about some rule that required patients under his care travel with him. Bones' emotions were careful, afraid, anxious, caring-

Jim passed out after that.

Hours later- a lightning storm in space.

His planet is imploding.

Spock can barely breathe.

He remembers being a kid, emailing Jim while sitting on a rock in the desert not too far from his house, leaning against I-Chaya and staring up at the stars. The sands sweeping around him.

The stars are silent. The sands are dying. The destruction around him makes him sick.

“Hold still” That kid in the transporter room says “Do not move.”

His mother stares at him.

And then she’s gone.

“No!” Spock screams going to jump out of here when the red of vulcan disappears and the silver of the transporter room reappears.

He hears-

The familiar hum of his people in the back of his mind grows louder, louder, louder until it’s a screaming a screeching that makes his toes curl and his blood curdle and then-

Then it stops.

The bottom falls out of Spock’s universe.

Chapter Text

Jim woke up to a lightning storm, and he wondered idly if this is what his mother felt like. He rushes to the bridge as fast as he can and starts babbling to Pike about a lightning storm in space a lightning storm in space the same thing that killed dad Chris we have to stop we have to be-

And then they fall out of warp.

It’s a graveyard.

Someone shouts, and Chris whispers “my god.” He’ll find out later that a chunk of the Farragut flew past them. Gaila was on that ship. Nyota was almost on that ship. Bones could have been put on that ship. God if that sulu guy hadn’t forgotten the parking break…

The ship is, according to Spock, huge. Jim sneaks to a computer and hooks up his earpiece before scanning it- the numbers are staggering.

Some people do a jump down to something coming from the ship and they call back that it’s a drill it's a drill it's a-

And then the Captain of the ship calls.

He wants Pike.

After the call hangs up, Chis sighs. He looks down.

Jim feels fear, anger, resignation-

“Sir you’re not actually-”

“You shouldn’t be here Jim.” Chris sighs “you’re not cleared, you and Spock are both on prohibition-”

“Chris. Tell me your not going to go over to that ship like a martyr-”

“You heard what he said, Kirk.” Pike snapped “he’ll destroy us and Vulcan.”

“Sir.” Spock’s voice is tight, and his fear is the color of a phaser beam. “As a Vulcan, I appreciate it but-”

“Quiet.” Jim heard him rise. “Lieutenant Houser, get out of the science chair.”

“Sir?”

“Get out of the science chair. Kirk, I’m officially clearing you and promoting you to chief science officer.”

Jim felt his eyes widen, and he gasped.

“Sir I protest-”

“Quiet Houser. Kirk is top of his class. Kirk, get on the science station.”

Jim remembered memorizing the map of a standard bridge with his fingers, and he turned 20 degrees left and then walked forward until he felt the chair. Science station. Okay.

“Uhura, I’m making you captain,” Pike said next, and Jim mentally nodded to himself. Take orders from Nyota. Okay, he could do that.

“Spock, I’m putting you back on active duty.” Pike said next “you’re the first officer. Take communications for now.”

“Sir, as the first officer, I must protest you going aboard the mining ship,” Spock said cooly.

“Noted cadet. Uhura- take care of my ship.”

Jim turns to his computer.

He’s listening to the constant readout when Uhura shouts to call Vulcan and start evacuating.

He’s never heard the computer say that a planet just… disappeared.

Spock’s eyes open slowly. He feels sick, and dizzy. His stomach muscles clench, and he feels something forcing its way up his throat-

A warm hand grasps his shoulder and helps him sit up. A bucket is shoved under his chin and Spock groans as he gags on the bile in his mouth. The same hand that helped him sit up rubs his back, soothes the full body shudders that are running down his spine.

“Jim?” He croaks.

“Yeah. Spock, I’m so sorry. I can’t… I can’t imagine-”

“My mother was down there.” Spock whispered, “My mother is gone-”

And then Jim was on the bed next to him, hugging him close. Spock pressed his face into Jim’s shoulder, sobbing quietly. Jim rubbed his back, and for a moment Spock could have sworn he felt lips against his hair.

“The elders? Captain Pike?” Spock whispered, and Jim swallowed thickly. “The elder’s are fine. Pike he’s… he’s still aboard the Romulan vessel.”

Spock pulled away from Jim’s chest and wiped his face on his sleeve. He hadn’t cried like this since he was a child. Since…

“I have not cried like this since I thought you died,” Spock whispered in wonder, and Jim’s eyes (his sunglasses were hooked in his shirt, so Spock could see the unseeing blues) widened, then went soft. “Spock…”

“Why have we not gone to save Captain Pike?” Spock asked, swallowing thickly. Jim shook his head. “We’re rendezvousing. Nyota wants to go, but I think she’s too scared of what might happen.”

Spock frowned and then stood up. “We must go and change her mind.”

They went up to the bridge together, and Nyota rose when they entered. “Spock.” she breathed “I’m so-”

“You can show that you are sorry by going back and saving Captain Pike.” Spock insisted.

Nyota’s eyes got sad and her mouth twisted. “We can’t risk that. We don’t know what might be waiting or-”

“Nyota, we cannot simply-”

“You can’t just leave him!” Jim shouted, interrupting. “I know you don’t trust me but it’s Spock! He agrees that we should go back and save him!”

“Don’t speak for him, Kirk!” Nyota snapped “You’re bordering on insubordination-”

“You’re not even a Captain!” Jim snapped. “You’re just a scared cadet like the rest of us! That thing killed your girlfriend and a planet you care about and you’re terrified because you don’t want to lose anyone else! I can see your fear and you’re-”

“You can’t see anything!” Nyota half screeched

“I can see this and you’re terrified Nyota Uhura!” Jim shouted back.

Nyota stared, then turned to Spock. “Get him off the ship. I don’t care what you do, get him off the ship. Consider that an order. Mark him down for mutiny and if you disagree you can join him.” She snapped.

Spock swallowed, then grabbed Jim’s arm and dragged him off the bridge.

“You’re not actually going to-”

“On Delta Vega, there is a Starfleet base. There, there is a man named Montgomery Scott. He was my roommate, he’s a friend.” Spock said hurriedly. “I will come back for you, somehow.”

“You’re actually gonna-”

Spock grabbed him by the shirt and kissed him.

Jim was so surprised by the sudden surge of want Spock emitted and the sudden kiss that he found himself kissing back. And then he processed- Spock was kissing him.

And Jim’s shoulders slumped. He reached up, tangled his fingers in the short hair at the base of Spock’s neck and pressed closer.

Spock let down his shields.

A memory of Montgomery talking about his beaming equations, about the possibility of beaming back onto a ship at warp. A memory of Jim’s face as a kid, smiling and laughing. A memory of the first time Spock saw Jim after all those years, beautiful-

Spock pulled away.

“Do you trust me?” He breathed, and Jim nodded. “I do. I swear I do.”

“Good.” the lift arrived and Spock walked over to the first escape pod. “James Kirk. You are being evicted from the Enterprise on the accusation of mutiny. Anything you would like to say for the record?”

Jim looked at Spock and for a moment he could swear Jim was looking at him.

“Half-breed power is not a joke. You should be the captain, Spock.” Jim said firmly.

And then Spock shot him out into Space.

Chapter Text

Jim reached up and felt around for the door release. He made a mental note to memorize the layout of emergency pods- he had no clue if he was even facing the door.

His fingers scrabbled against a handle, and he grinned. “Ah ha-!”

He felt the cold before the snow fell on him, and he blinked for a moment before remembering that Spock said D elta Vega

As in, the ice planet.

“... oh my gods, I'm going to kill him.” Jim sputtered, already shivering. “Oh my fucking gods I'm gonna rip the bangs off his head-!”

He clumsily felt around again, trying to find the coat he knew was standard in every escape pod. His fingers grasped the strap of the bag, and he pulled it free before climbing out of the crater he had made. He dug through the bag until he found the coat and brushed as much snow off of his head and shoulders as he could before putting it on.

“Okay, Spock said there's a base here,” Jim said aloud. He blinked once, twice.

“... which is in which direction?” Jim groaned and pressed his face into his gloved hands. “He really didn’t think this through.”

He reached out with his mind, trying to find the nearest emotional signal, and then he recoiled when he touched an animal’s mind. Betazoids instinctively didn't like the wild emotions of animals, Jim included.

So that was why it took until he heard the screeching of some beast for him to realize he was being hunted.

“Oh… oh shit!”

Jim started running in the opposite direction of the beast, mentally deciding that whatever that kiss meant it didn't matter, he was going to punch Spock in the face.

And then he fell off a cliff, and he stood up and started kicking snow.

“Oh my gods I'm gonna kill him! He’s a fucking dead man! Oh my fucking gods!” Jim raged.

He heard a screech, and realized that the thing was still following him. He took off running again-

Jim slid on the ice and landed on his side. He scrambled-

Protectiveness. Fear. Grief.

The screeching faded, and Jim blinked. He reached out to that emotional signal. Fear, grief, sadness- surprise-

“James T. Kirk.”

Jim recoiled instinctively from his full name. Then he frowned, and his brow furrowed. “Spo- no that's… that’s impossible-”

“How did you find me?” The man asked

“Who are you?” Jim asked “how- how do you feel like- you can't be Spock.”

“I have been, and always shall be your friend.” Replied the man softly. “I am Spock.”

“You can’t be. Spock is back on the ship.”

“The ship? The Enterprise?”

“I think that's what Bones told me she was called, yeah.”

“Doctor McCoy.” The man- Spock?- the man’s voice was soft. “Why would you need to be told-” then he paused, and Jim could feel him looking at him and the man’s worry was soft chartreuse.

“You are blind.”

Jim nodded “yeah. And?”

“... Jim, may I have your consent to have your thoughts?” The man asked “it will be… easier. To explain everything.”

“...” Jim nodded once. He felt fingers on his face and then-

When he was little, when he talked to Spock, Spock had an idea about why everyone hated him.

“I am not, as they say, a science experiment. Not even a failed one.” Spock had written “I am meant to do something, Jim. I am sure of it. Think about it- evolution occurs because organisms with the ability to resist death pass on favorable traits to their offspring. You and I have the traits of two species- so what if we are sterile or at least thought to be? Eventually, we will get it right. We are the next stage of evolution Jim. They are- what is the human phrase… jealous?”

Of course, like always, whenever Jim finally got Spock to be hopeful his planet knocked him right down. Spock got sick, and had to stay at the hospital.

“Tell me Jim, do doctors on earth call their patients science experiments?”

“Spock, do the stepdads on Vulcan beat their kids?”

They had been so young,

And they had wanted to hope.

Jim falls out of the meld when his knees give out. He feels more than a little sick.

“I apologize.” Spock whispers “emotional transference… it is an effect of the meld.”

“Oh gods.” Jim whispered. “Oh, gods. Spock.”

“Jim.” The old man’s voice was soft, and he rested a hand on his shoulder “you have been through so much.”

“You- you’re actually.” His threat tightens “the other me he wasn't… he was human?”

“Yes.” Spock whispered “yes. Jim was human. Human and able to see.”

“Heh.” Jim grumbled “that lucky bastard.”

“... Jim.” Spock said “we must get you back to the Enterprise .”

“Why? I can't be captain.” Jim seethed “not like him.”

“But you believe there is someone who could be.” Spock told him, and Jim had to sigh. Yes, he did think that.

“Just because I was not captain material does not mean my counterpart is not.” Spock said softly, a firm hand resting on Jim’s knee. He radiated gentle bemusement- it was this soft violet magenta, just like Jim’s Spock. "- And just because being a Captain isn't your destiny, it doesn't mean you cannot be great."

“Well then.” Jim breathed “I guess we need to see a man about a transporter.”

Spock shifted, sitting at the science station on the bridge. While it was true that he was a very adept science officer, he felt uncomfortable.

“Nyota-” he attempted, and she turned to glare at him.

“We are not going.” She hissed “I am not risking 400+ lives, not for one man. The needs of the many, Spock.”

The needs of the many. The “many” should have been the millions if not billions of Vulcans living on T’khasi. And yet, they were gone.

I am now a member of an endangered species. He was being selfish. But Pike… Pike had believed in him. When he had joined starfleet, everyone had said that a Vulcan could never make captain- not enough instinct, not enough street smarts. And certainly not a half breed. And Spock had believed them. And he hadn't had Jim to tell him otherwise.

Christopher Pike had looked at him and seen something only Jim had seen. Chris Pike had looked at him and seen a man who could make Captain.

Christopher Pike was possibly one of the best men Starfleet had to offer.

And he didn’t deserve to die.

The turbolift opened, and Spock’s heart soared.

He’d known that Jim would find a way back.

“I thought I threw you out.” Nyota said tightly.

“You did. Well, you didn't, Spock did. I'm gonna hurt him for that later though.” Jim waved that off “now I need my cane, I need my ear piece, my PADD, and you need to get out of the Captain’s chair.” He growled the last part. Nyota’s face went tight.

“Pike made me captain-”

“And part of being captain is knowing when to stand down!” Jim snapped “Nyota, you aren’t even a command track student. You don't even like command. You could be helping us find him, you could be tracking the ship-”

“We’ll all die if we go against that thing! You didn’t see the ships, Jim! You didn’t see the graveyard! You didn’t see where-” her voice cut off with an audible tremble.

Jim hesitantly took a step closer. “Nyota.” He whispered “Gaila and I were close. I know you don't believe that, but hear me out.” He held up his hands. “We slept together, yeah. But I also cared about her. Nowhere near how you did.”

Nyota trembled, and Jim put a hand on her shoulder. “I know you're grieving. I know you’re in pain. I'm an empath, Nyota. I know you’re scared. I am too.”

Nyota slumped, and Spock knew Jim was doing something major emotionally. Nyota swallowed, shaking her head.”Don't… stop-”

“I'm not influencing you, you can see that. I’m just showing you our mutual emotions. Gaila loved you. She slept around, because that was the agreement. But she loved you. And she would want you to make the best decision.” He pulled his hand away. “So, what is it, Captain?”

Nyota didn’t move, and it seemed like the whole ship was holding it’s breath.

“... Spock, I’m stepping down as captain on the grounds that I am emotionally compromised.” She stood up abruptly, then turned.

“Go raise some hell, Spock.”

Chapter Text

The Enterprise dropped out of warp near Terran space. There was the Narada, looking ready to use their drill again. Spock set his jaw as he stared out the viewport at it.

“Any suggestions?” He asked aloud.

“With zhe help of Mr. Scott, I kould beam someone over.” Chekov said. “Zhey can rescue zhe keptain and see zhen ve can regroup.”

“They could take a bomb,” Jim suggested suddenly, and Spock glanced back. “I’ve found a weak spot in the hull. If they planted the explosive it would damage the ship just enough for them to be unable to move.”

“If we can keep them in one place, we can take them out easier.” Sulu pointed out.

“Very good, but what of the Romulans?”

“You could distract them.” Jim said, and Spock tilted his head. “Elaborate Mr. Kirk?”

“You heard them earlier. They want you, for some reason. We say we’re beaming over with you in shackles, and then go in guns blazing.”

“That is…” Spock blinked “That is immensely reckless. Illogical even.”

Jim grinned at him, and Spock could just make out his eyes crinkling at the corners behind his sunglasses. “That’s why it’ll work. Outside the box thinking, remember Captain? Besides, you’ll get your swing at Nero.”

And that was honestly almost enough to make him want to agree.

“We would need a bomb powerful enough. There is not one small enough that would work.”

Jim suddenly stiffened and whispered “Yes there is. On the ship.” He looked up at Spock “Sir, not to question your science knowledge, but how much do you know about Red Matter?”

The old man said bad things might happen should Spock and Spock meet- he didn’t say a word about Spock going to the old man’s ship. Spock has the gall to suggest that Jim stay behind, and Jim swings to smack him, misses, and slams his hand into the wall of the turbolift instead.

“Jim?” Spock asks, voice cautious.

“Unless you know someone else who knows how to set off red matter, you’re gonna need me.” Jim snapped. He glared in the general direction of Spock, then remembered he was wearing his glasses and he went to nudge him again.

“... when we return, I am going to spar with you.”

“I’ll have you know I’m a third-degree black belt.” Jim huffed “I’m stressed, and I’m kinda off, sorry.”

“Jim…”

“I’m coming with you.” Jim insisted. “We’ll find the ship with the red matter, I’ll do my thing, and you’ll go save Pike and kick Romulan ass. We’ll come back and spar and I’ll kick your ass as revenge for you throwing me onto a fucking iceball.”

Beam over went about as well as expected- they beamed directly into the cargo bay, and the first emotional signal Jim felt was threatening. He turned and fired on instinct.

“... I retract my earlier statement, I am very glad you are with me.”

Jim grinned sheepishly, and Spock took his arm before asking him to describe the ship they were looking for. Jim described the Jellyfish to the best of his ability, and when Spock led him onto whatever ship he thought was the right one, the computer said “Welcome Back, Ambassador Spock.”

Jim figured that meant they were on the right one.

Jim found the computer terminal, connecting his ear piece. Spock didn’t move, and nervousness and anxiety were creeping into his emotional signal. Jim frowned “Spock, what’s-”

And then the computer told him.

No more red matter could be extracted. The pod had to be ejected or it wouldn’t work. One of them had to either fly the ship into space and eject it there, or stay and blow up the ship.

“Jim, change of plans.” Spock suddenly said, grabbing his arm. “You are going to find Captain Pike, beam out with him. I will pilot the ship out and then eject the pod back at the Narada.”

“No!” Jim snapped, pulling his arm away. “You- you’ll die or something!”

“I will not. Jim, you cannot pilot a ship.”

“But-” Jim floundered, mouth opening and closing. “But I just found you again!”

“Jim-”

“No you don’t get it- You- you were the only friend I had for a long time. When I was on Tarsus, I kept thinking about you and it kept me going and now I have you again and I can’t-”

“Jim.” Spock grabbed his hands. “Jim. You must go save Captain Pike. Consider it an order.”

“Permission to deny orders?”

“Denied.”

“Permission to beg my superior officer to not be an idiot?”

“Jim.” Spock squeezed his hands. “Jim, I-”

“No, stop.” Jim pulled his hands back. “Tell me when you return. You can tell me anything you want later when we’re both safe. Ob deck 4, 2100. We’ll have dinner.” Jim reached out and pulled Spock into a fierce hug. “Just promise me you’ll come back.”

“I promise,” Spock replied. Then he breathed “Jim…” And…

If the kiss earlier was an apology, this was a plea. Please. Please.

Jim was able to latch onto Pike’s emotions pretty quick. And he found a pipe to use as a sort of cane, just enough to help him locate things. He hoped to god that the Romulans weren’t like certain Georgians who left their beer cans in the middle of the floor. This is probably when he’s supposed to call for backup but as far as he knows he has the element of surprise right now, calling the ship would hit the Romulans’ sensors.

He hopes Spock was okay.

He kept his mind solely locked on Chris. Any other signal was Romulan, and any Romulan got shot in the chest.

They’d hurt Spock. They’d hurt Chris. Billions of Vulcans. Amanda. They deserved some losses of their own today. Plus their ship had steps and steps were some of the evilest things in existence, maybe second only to Kodos himself, depending on when you asked him.

He was getting closer to Chris. Closer and then-

He always reacted badly to being grabbed by the neck. It’s a PTSD thing. He starts screaming as best he can when his air is being cut off.

“Captain Kirk. How… disappointing.”

Jim starts struggling, kicking his legs and desperately trying to remember his training. What do you do when you're being strangled.

He swings his legs up and kicks the Romulan in the chest just enough for him to get free. He slams his knee into the Romulans chest, then punches him in the face before they roll over so Jim is on top.

“You really shouldn’t choke me. It doesn’t end well.” He says. Then he punches the man once more and gets up. The Romulan grabs his ankle, and Jim has just enough momentum to swing his leg and kick the man away.

It’s only after he’s falling that Jim realizes he just kicked him over a ledge. Ah well, at least he knows there’s a ledge now.

He finds Chris coughing and hears him struggling.

“Chris?”

“Jim? What the-”

“Explain later old man. You’re gonna need to help me out here.”

Spock feels an irrational surge of anger towards the Narada. This ship- this huge unaesthetically pleasing monster of a ship- killed his mother. Killed his planet.

I am a pacifist. I will always be a pacifist. Until someone hurts my mother.

With an angered shout, he flew directly at the Narada. Internally, he says goodbye to Jim- there was no way the Enterprise would save him in time.

And yet, a few seconds before impact, he feels the buzz of molecule scrambling- and then he’s on the transporter pad.

And next to him is Jim, supporting an injured Captain Pike.

His heart surges in his side. They did it they did it they did it.

Jim blinks once, twice. “Whoa. Spock, cool your jets. I mean we didn’t just save the galaxy or anything. Oh, wait-” He grinned “Yeah we fucking did!”

“Both of you are celebrating a little too quickly.” Pike reminds them, and Spock comes over to help Jim get him to sickbay. Then they return to the bridge.

“Ms. Uhura, hail the Narada please,” Spock says as he passes. She does so with a quick Aye Captain and the image is grainy, but there’s Nero.

“You.” He hissed, and Spock arched a brow.

“We are able to beam you and your remaining crew aboard,” Spock says, and he isn’t an empath like Jim, but he can feel the surprise of the crew. “This day does not need to end in more bloodshed.”

“I would sooner throw myself and my family put an airlock then trust you, you-”

“Very well. Close the connection, Mr. Sulu, fire everything we have. If any piece of that ship bigger than a square centimeter survives it will go on your record.”

“Aye Captain!” Sulu says, and Spock feels a dark sort of satisfaction as he watches the Narada burn.

Chapter Text

The singularity started eating the Narada; for a few moments Spock thought they won.

Really, how could he call himself passionate about science? He was a fool. Well, not a fool, but too hopeful.

The singularity started to pull them in, and fear flowed into him unbidden, turning his blood to ice. No. No.

“Scott to bridge- Capt’n!”

“Mr. Scott, can you get us out?” Spock asked, voice thick with thinly veiled fear. Nyota’s words came back to him- I’m not sacrificing 400+ lives for one man!

“I’m givin’ her all she’s got! T’ere i’n’t much more I can do!”

Spock closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and said “Expel the warp core.”

“Expel the- that’s only a theory!”

“Mr. Scott-”

“T’ere’s no way it’ll work!”

“Mr. Scott-”

“We’ll all die!”

“Mr. Scott!” Spock snapped “if we do not attempt this we will die anyway. Now expel the warp core, that’s an order!”

There was a moment of pause, then a sigh. “Yer gonna make me wish I'd stayed on delta Vega, aren’t you? Scott out.”

Spock looked back at the view screen. “Mr. Kirk, distance from the singularity.”

“120,000 Kilometers and closing, Captain.” Jim replied, then paused. “Spock, take a deep breath.” He said, quieter. Spock obeyed, trying to calm himself.

The ship lurched, and it was a few seconds before a roaring cheer went up. It only got louder when Jim announced they were free of the singularity range.

The next few hours were a daze to his exhausted mind, and it wasn’t until Jim touched his arm and said “Spock, it’s 1900.” That he realized he had been on the bridge for several hours.

He swallowed and nodded once, rising on shaky legs. Nyota glanced at him from the communications station. “I already called a replacement to the bridge. And I’m withholding all messages from starfleet for now.”

“Do not.” Spock ordered “tell them the truth- we did not rendezvous in order to save both Captain Pike and the Earth from Nero’s plans with the red matter. It was my decision-” he arched a brow “unless you would like to take credit for the Narada’s defeat?”

“You would let me do that?” Nyota asked quietly. Spock nodded “you are technically the one Pike named Captain. And you are my friend.”

Her eyes softened, and she shook her head. “It’s your victory. It was all you, Spock. I’ll tell it like it happened.”

Spock inclined his head and nodded once. “Thank you, Nyota.”

Jim was waiting for him by the turbolift, and they stepped in together.

“I believe we agreed upon dinner on ob deck three at 2100?” Spock asked

Jim grinned a little “it was deck four actually. Two hours to get ready.”

“Then I shall see you in two hours, Jim.”

“In two hours, Captain.”

There were actually not all that many times when Jim truly envied sighted people. On particularly beautiful days, on days when he’s run into a lot of stuff, and- most frequently- whenever he has a date.

Oh sure, there's an app on his PADD that tells him what color something is, but it can’t tell him if his shirt is clean or dirty or if he looks good or not. He needs Bones for that and Bones is really fucking busy because they saved the earth but way too many people got hurt.

It isn’t like he actually has any of his casual clothes with him- when they got the distress signal from Vulcan, there hadn't exactly been time to pack a bag. With a sigh, he prays his black shirt is clean enough and puts that on.

The clock beeps, telling him there's ten minutes until the hour passes. Right. A date with Spock.

A date with Spock holy shit.

Swallowing, he debated going for the “be a few minutes late and be casual” thing, but this was Spock.

Besides, if he lingered much longer he’d go insane.

The halls were surprisingly quiet- almost everyone was either working until they couldn't or sleeping until they could work.

Or, you know, processing the loss of a federation planet, Terran ally, and well over a billion-

God. They’d cut it way too close.

The empty halls meant he didn't get lost as easy. He made his way to the lift and prayed he wouldn’t have to call Spock to guide him to his own first date. Swallowing, Jim exited the lift and turned onto the on deck. Room four was on his right, and it opened to him-

He faltered.

There was beethoven playing.

“Jim, I have been listening to the list of… “classical” music you sent me. I did not… I took it upon myself to look up other examples. May I suggest to you an artist named Beethoven? Another named Bach and Mozart are also quiet good. They are different but they are classified as classical. (Yes, I am aware of the fact that the previous sentence sounds strange.)

Also, my mother’s classical music repertoire is sufficient. Please cease sending me Metallica files- it is giving my father a headache, although mother finds it hilarious.

I believe next week's letters should be in latin- it will be excellent practice for your class.

As you often say, stay strong. And please Jim, live long and prosper.”

God, he remembered all Spock’s emails. Right up until they’d stopped. He remembered his responses- to that one in particularly it had been a highly logical (in Jim’s opinion) argument as to why Metallica kicked Aerosmith’s butt.

He had listened to the three Spock suggested too. “Mozart and that Bach dude (who’s name is Bach?? What the fuck.) are boring as hell. Beethoven however, is fun to spell and actually kinda interesting.”

And now, fuck, Spock was playing Beethoven.

“Jim? The table is precisely 31 paces in front of you. I am-”

“To my left?”

“Yes, about 9 paces.”

“Your playing Beethoven.”

“I trust you remember-”

“Spock.”

Jim walked over towards Spock, who took his arm. Jim pulled him close and hugged him. “You’re too sweet, you know that?”

“I am a Vulcan; I am not sweet.” Spock corrected, and Jim snorted. Spock led him over to the table and pulled out Jim’s chair before letting him sit down. “There is a large plate in front of you, it is empty. Directly to the right of the plate is- from the inside to the out- your fork and your knife should you require it. To the left is a spoon. Your wine glass is on the upper left hand corner, approximately an inch above your spoon. There is a small plate for bread or salad directly to the right of the glass, on the other corner above your knife. Atop the plate is a napkin. The table is round- assuming you are at the 6 o’clock position, the lasagne pan is at 9 o’clock, the bread basket is at 4 o’clock, salad bowl is at 2 o’clock, I am at 12 and-” there was a clunk of something being set on the table. “Wine is at 11 o’clock.”

Jim nodded slowly, forming the mental picture in his mind. “What's in the center?”

“False candles. Unnecessary, but-”

“For atmosphere.” Jim smiled “thanks Spock. It sounds beautiful.”

“Will you require assistance with the lasagne and the wine?”

“I can pour my own drink…” he faltered for a moment. “... could you maybe-”

“Of course.” Spock said, probably nodding. “I would not have offered if it was a problem.”

“It’s stupid. I should be able to serve myself-”

“Jim, you are a science officer aboard a starship, can walk great distances unaided, never fall down stairwells and never cross busy streets. You are magnificent.”

Jim blinked in his general direction, feeling his cheeks flush.

“Thank you, Spock…”

“On the other hand.” Spock said “I am slightly biased. You are the only visually impaired person I know, and I do wish to make you like me.”

Jim’s lips twitched and he smiled a little. “Well, one way to do that is to not send me to anymore ice planets.”

“Noted.”

Jim snorted at him, then picked up his fork and took a bite of the lasagne. It was vegetarian, and it was so good

“Mm- this is great.”

“Thank you it is-” Spock faltered. And suddenly Jim was hit with a wave of grief- dark, velvet purple grief that made his chest hurt. “It… was my mother’s recipe.” Spock finished lamely.

Jim swallowed, fighting the urge to reach over and grab for Spock’s hand. “Spock.” He prompted softly “we should talk about-”

“No.” Spock said, voice abruptly icy. The emotion cut off as Spock wrestled it back into submission. When Jim was a kid, he’d imagine Spock violently beating his emotions back with a stick, but now it just felt like he was slamming a wall down on them.

“Spock-”

“No. You are going to say I should talk about her, or about my planet, or one of the other multitude of bad ideas and mistakes and losses there were today.” Spock fell silent for a moment. Then he said, voice hardly more than a whisper “I am not ready. And I want tonight to be the highlight of the day.”

Jim hesitated. He knew better than most people how dangerous the build up of emotions could be. Spock was heading down a bad road, one that lead to eventual implosion.

But they’d made a pact, once, to never use their respective mental capabilities to force something out of one another.

So Jim let him have it, raised his glass, and said “to Amanda Grayson. The woman who could kick a Vulcan’s ass.”

“... to Amanda Grayson.” Spock agreed softly “my mother.”

They clinked glasses, then drank deeply.

He walked Jim back to his quarters that night, and Jim smiled. “This was nice.”

“Indeed.”

“... does that mean you wanna have a second date?”

“Jim, I kissed you twice today.” Spock arched a brow. “I am fairly sure I have felt some manner of attraction towards you since I was 12.”

“Oh.” Jim flushed pink. “Well then. Second date it is.”

“Indeed.” Spock hesitated and then “Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“I… would very much like to kiss you.”

Jim blinked, then grinned. “You didn’t ask permission earlier.”

“Which is why I am doing so now.” Spock responded, feeling his own cheeks warm. “I suppose you do not-”

Jim stood on his toes and kissed him. It was unlike the earlier ones, gentler, softer. Spock’s eyes fluttered shut. Jim pulled away and rocked back onto his heels.

“I’d invite you in for chess,” Jim licked his lips “but I know for a fact that if I did I would end up throwing you on my bed and making out with you.”

“And if I would not be adverse to that plan?” Spock found himself asking.

Jim shook his head. “You don’t want to talk about it, but sex is a very bad idea after today.” Jim pulled him into a tight hug. “So take me out on a second date, then we’ll talk.”

Spock flushed and hugged him back. “As you wish, Jim.”

Jim grinned, and kissed him on the cheek. Then he leaned up to whisper something in betazed in his ear and pulled away. (Only later did Spock find out that Jim whispered a rather dirty promise in his ear.) For that moment, he just said goodnight and left.

Chapter Text

It took another 5 days for them to limp back home. Captain Pike was the first one to beam down, and then he called down Spock and Nyota. Jim spent the hours Spock was down there nervously pacing the bridge. There was nothing for him to be doing, and it just left him to dwell on what the admiralty might be doing to them.

The call for everyone to begin beaming down came, and Jim bolted to the transporter room. He got to the turbolift and pulled out his PADD. “Dictate message!” He ordered

The PADD beeped, and then Jim recited “Beaming now, meet me down there.” There was a beep indicating it had been sent just as the door swished open. Jim quickly walked out, clicking his cane along the ground in front of him, ensuring that he wasn’t about to walk into any people. He counted the feet in his head, then turned. He walked forward a little too quickly, and paid for it when he slammed into the wall. Grunting, he felt along the wall next to it, finding the door. He walked in the transporter room, and Scotty asked if he was okay.

Jim waved him off, anxious. He made his way to the transporter, finding the pad and standing on it. “Energize Scotty.”

He felt the slightly nauseating sensation of molecular scrambling, and then the sensation of reformation. He took in a deep breath of Terran air, stepping off the pad. The spaceport was loud, and full of people. Jim took another deep breath, strengthening his shields to keep out the barrage of emotions. Until one, in particular, took him by surprise.

Spock’s joy was usually a soft green. Today, it was bright, and vibrant, like a big flashing neon green sign amongst the crowd. Jim blinked and walked towards it.

“Spock?” He called over the noise. “Spock!”

“Jim!”

Spock must have gotten up and rushed him, because the signal moved close fast and strong arms grabbed him and pulled him close. Jim was fairly sure that his feet left the ground for a few seconds. Spock’s joy was tangible, and it felt good. Jim felt his own smile growing as it got to him a little. “Well hello to you too.”

“Jim-” Spock set him down and pressed his forehead against Jim’s. “They are giving me the Enterprise.”

Jim gasped, and he pulled away to… well, not look at him, but at least smile at him. “Spock! That’s amazing!”

Spock likely nodded, Jim could feel the air moving. Then he said “Yes. It is. I believe they will also offer you a position, I would like to offer you a position-”

Jim laughed and kissed him. Spock brushed his thumb over Jim’s knuckles, and the joy receded to something softer, more Spockish. Jim smiled, pulling away to embrace him again.

“Wanna go have a second date?” He asked, and Spock hummed before taking Jim’s arm and leading him away in silent aquacise.

Spock woke early the next morning and checked his messages. Several from other crewmembers- applications for service from Starfleet for him to review-

And a message from his father that gave him pause.

Your mother will have a memorial service in her hometown in 8 days at 2 PM MT. You may bring a guest, and your human family members are eager to see you. Invite attached.

Spock read the message several times. He felt a little sick, deep in his stomach. A memorial service. There was no body to bury. He sat there and stared at the message, not listening to the movement behind him until Jim walked into a table.

“You know, if you’re gonna put your blind friend in your guest room, you might wanna tell him where everything is.” Jim joked. Spock didn’t respond, and he glanced away before he could see Jim frown.

“Spock?” Soft footsteps, and then a gentle hand on his shoulder. “Spock, what’s wrong?”

“My Mother’s memorial service,” Spock said softly. “I have received my invite.”

“Oh, Spock…” Jim sat on the couch next to him. “Hey… it’s normal to feel-”

“Nothing?” Spock looked at him. “I do not feel… anything over this invitation. I… I do not know what to feel.”

“That’s normal too.” Jim smiled sadly. “My dad’s been dead for years and there are days when my Ma’s emotions look just like yours. She misses him, years later.”

Spock shook his head softly and said; “As I said, this is comparable to how I was after you died.”

Jim kissed his cheek. “I’m assuming you’re going to go.”

Spock nodded, leaning against Jim. Jim shifted so Spock was leaning against his chest and nuzzled Spock’s hair. Spock sighed quietly, pressing his face against Jim’s chest and inhaling his scent. “Will you accompany me?”

“To the funeral?”

“Indeed.”

“I’d be honored.”

The shuttle to his mother’s home city of Edmonton was quick, and he held Jim the whole time. He was falling for him, remarkably fast. He knew that it was weird, that he and Jim probably were an outlier for relationships, but…

They got there, and Spock quickly led Jim to the taxi service in the spaceport. Jim cracked his neck, sighing. Spock came back over and glanced at him. “Are you alright?”

“Shuttle rides. They always make me weirdly uncomfortable.”

“I see.” Spock nodded. “May I ask…?”

“I fall asleep. And when I don't I get a stomach ache. Something about my middle ear being affected by my stroke.” Jim shrugged. Spock nodded again, taking Jim by the elbow.

They walked outside together and got into the waiting aircab. Spock inputted the address and his credit chip, and the cab took off.

“Hey, describe the scenery outside the window to me?” Jim asked. Spock inclined his head and looked out.

“Edmonton is very green. When I was a child and we visited, I was always amazed by how green it was, how little red there was. There are trees, but they're on streets. A portion of the city is more metropolitan, but they still make a point of having a lot of trees and greenery.” He went very quiet. “My mother loved this city.”

Jim reached out, clearly looking to take his hand. Spock took his instead. Jim smiled gently and squeezed his fingers. “But she probably thought of Shikhar as her home.”

Spock scoffed looking out the window again. “They hated her. The whole city hated her-”

“But she had you.” Jim squeezed his hand again. “She had Sarek and Sybok and Michele and I-Chaya and her house and her garden- Spock, it doesn’t take an empath to know that she was happy.”

“I can only hope,” Spock muttered softly, and Jim kissed his nose.

The cab stopped soon, and Spock climbed out, helping Jim. His aunt’s house was large, and there were black balloons tied to the doorpost, like it was a party. (Illogical. His mother's death should not be celebrated, shouldn’t have happened, because she was his mother and she shouldn’t have -) Jim squeezed his hand.

There were many people in the house- all of Spock’s cousins and aunts and uncles were there. Spock squeezed Jim’s hand again. He’d meditated the whole way down to try and strengthen his shields, because his human family had a tendency to-

“Cousin Spock!” Billy shouted, running over and wrapping his arms around Spock tightly “Oh man, I’m so sorry for you!”

-hug and shout very loudly. Spock liked his family, he did. But as cousin Billy sobbed like his mother was the one who had been murdered and his planet was the one that had been destroyed, Spock had to fight the urge to nerve pinch him. Especially when he dragged him away from Jim to go see the others.

His entire family insisted on touching him, and for what felt like hours he was embraced and squeezed and given condolences and offered money and tissues and food and cried on and generally subjected to the grief of his human family.

He sighed and put up with it for a while- until he realized he couldn’t find Jim.

He started to search, asking after the blue-eyed betazoid- but he didn’t find him.

He did, however, find his father after a few minutes. Sarek was standing in the kitchen, staring down at all the food on the counter.

“... Father?” Spock asked carefully, and Sarek didn’t look at him.

“I proposed to her in this kitchen,” Sarek said, voice cold even though Spock knew that he felt this grief. Spock’s side suddenly ached.

“I came here, to ask for her father's blessing, as is human custom. Amanda walked in as he was saying no.” Sarek closed his eyes. “She screamed and started shouting about how it was her life and then she turned to me and demanded I propose to her.”

Spock swallowed thickly- his father was sharing his grief with Spock, and Spock finally felt his own grief start to well up in his chest.

“Your aunts have spent most of the day accusing me of not caring that she is gone.” Sarek whispered.

Suddenly overwhelmed, Spock nodded and then ran out the back door.

Spock’s family were good people, Jim was sure. He was sure that when the hose didn’t radiate grief it was a lovely place. But all of the sad made his head hurt.

And then there was Spock.

Spock was… sad. And he couldn’t control it. Probably because his of family (they were nice people, Jim was sure they didn’t mean to act like xenophobic ignorant assholes who were) continually assaulting his shields all day, grabbing him and hugging him and touching him-

For Pete's sakes people, don’t touch the Vulcan.

It wasn’t until he felt Spock’s emotional signal (he’d been monitoring it all day, and it had gotten so purple it was almost black) get so strong it hurt, and then run outside, that he got concerned. Respectfully excusing himself from a conversation with one of Spock’s uncles, he quickly turned and headed outside, tapping his cane against the wooden porch he stepped out onto. Cautiously, he started walking forward.

“Spock?” he called. “Spock. Rule two of having a blind boyfriend. Don’t let me fall down the stairs.” He called, throat tight. Porches inherently meant steps, and he didn’t want to fall today. He kept walking slowly, feeling for a railing and the steps.

“C’mon Spock… Remember when I told you about swimming and Marco Polo? Maaarcooo…”

No response, Jim was starting to get worried.

“Spock, come on. I know you're out here I can feel your emotional signal, I’m heading in your direction. Marco.”

And then he took a step and his foot met nothing. His heart jumped into his throat and started beating rapidly, the way it always did when he fell down stairs. Blood roared in his ears, and his mouth babbled “Marco! Marco Marco fucking Marco-!”

Warm, strong hands grab him by the forearms and his shoulder slammed into Spock’s sternum. His feet hit the soft grass and his knees buckled as Spock held him close. Jim panted, then groaned. He whimpered, pressing his face against Spock’s chest. “Fucking jerk, letting me fall down the steps.”

“Sorry,” Spock whispered, voice weak. Jim got his footing back and stood shakily, not letting go of Spock.

“Spock.” Jim breathed. “Spock. It’s okay. It’s okay that you feel this way.” He whispered.

Spock made a noise in his throat that sounded like a groan, but Jim knew a cry for help when he heard one. He grabbed Spock and dragged him closer, clutching him to his chest and burying his face in Spock’s shoulder.

They both sunk to their knees, clutching one another tightly. Spock was crying, and Jim wasn’t about to rat him out on it. He just held him, rubbing his back.

Spock sobbed, shoulders jumping. “Jim- Jim, my mother-”

“Shh…” Jim hushed. “I know. It’s alright, just let it go.”

“She- she is gone why- why does she-”

“I don’t know,” Jim said, kissing his hair. “I’m so sorry.”

Spock sobbed again, not saying anything. Jim sat there until long past his knees started aching, until it got cold. Until Spock had gathered what was left of his control and pulled away from Jim on his own. He sniffed, and Jim pictured him wiping his nose on his sleeve like a child.

“... Jim?”

Jim had been so focused on Spock, that he’d ignored all other emotions, ignored the world around him.

Which is probably why he was so shocked when he realized that voice was his own mother.

His head swiveled around so fast it hurt. “Ma?”

“Jim!” Winona Kirk rushed down the porch steps and rested a cold, bony hand on the back of his neck. “Jim! I thought for sure you were dead!” She cried.

“Sorry,” Jim said sheepishly. “I called the house! You weren’t home.”

“I was in San Francisco, I came up here a week ago for-” she faltered “For the memorial service…” She trailed off. “... Spock? Is that you?”

“Greetings Mrs. Kirk,” Spock said softly, and Winona audibly swallowed. “You two came together?”

“Spock and I met up again at the academy mom, remember?” Jim said, and Winona let out a shaky breath. She was nervous, and Jim frowned. “Ma what’s-”

“You two…” She interrupted “You’re good friends again, huh?”

A tiny bit of embarrassment seeped into Spock’s emotions, and Jim had to smile a little. “Ma, this is my new boyfriend. His name is Spock.”

He expected her to laugh, or at least become happy. Instead, his mother let off what sounded like a choked sob and removed her hand from Jim’s neck. Jim frowned more, rising and helping Spock up too. “Ma, what is it-”

“Oh, Jim.” His mother whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“Mrs. Kirk?” Spock asked, and Winona whimpered. “Jim. Jim, Spock, I did something bad to you two.”

Jim’s chest tightened, and he let Spock go to step forward. “Mom?”

“I let him think you were dead,” she whispered. “I didn’t realize- I didn’t know he felt so much I- I didn’t think he-”

“Mom, what the hell are you talking about?” Jim asked, praying he was wrong and having a horrible sinking feeling that he was right about what she meant.

“After Tarsus,” Winona whispered. “I let Spock think you were dead. I told Amanda you were dead.”

Spock’s emotions burst icy blue with sudden anger, but Jim didn’t care. The fury in his own chest was far too distracting.

“You what.” Jim said flatly.

“When you first went, before I knew you were alive, I told Amanda you were dead.” Winona whispered. “And then, I found you, and you were alive but Jim- oh Jim.”

Her emotions were so sad and Jim was sick of sad. “Jim, you were so silent. After that first day- you were suddenly blind and you had starved and you- you acted like some sort of animal, frightened of everything and eating until you got sick and-”

“After what I went through-” Jim was very careful not to snarl, but his voice was snappish. “All of that is pretty standard.”

“I know.” She whispered “but I thought he wouldn’t help. I thought Spock didn’t care, and I thought he would just encourage you to repress it all-” She swallowed audibly again. “And I-”

“Until five days ago,” Spock said, voice almost silent. “I had never known the type of grief I felt when I thought Jim was dead. I could not go to school for two weeks, I fell behind in all my classes, I was sick every day.”

“I’d assumed- I’m so sorry Spock-”

“You’re sorry?” Jim asked, so furious he thought he was shaking. “You’re sorry?! You’re sorry- Sorry doesn’t do shit! You hear all that, you hear what your actions did, what you had no right to do- and you’re sorry?!” He snarled.

“Jim,” Winona said. “Jim, please I-”

“No!” Jim snapped “Do you know how much easier everything would have been if I’d had a friend? Can you even comprehend how badly I wanted Spock during those months? I begged you to get me his email, did you even ask? Did you have it the whole time?!”

“I-”

“No!” Jim snapped “No, this isn’t just an I forgive you type of thing! How dare you-”

“I was doing what I thought was best!” Winona finally snapped. “I am your mother and I-”

“Well shit, now you just sound like Frank!” Jim howled. It was a low blow and he knew it, and Spock put a hand on his arm. Jim grabbed his wrist and whirled on him. “Stop trying to calm me down. Do you want to stay?”

Spock probably blinked, but Jim was too furious to guess “What do you mea-”

“Do you want to stay for the rest of the reception or are you done?” Jim asked again, forcing his voice to be quieter, at least right now. There was a pause and Spock said “No. I am done.”

“Then let’s go.” Jim said tightly. He started to drag Spock back to the house, and Winona grabbed his arm. “Jim-”

Jim threw her off. “Leave me alone!” He turned to throw what he hoped was a glare at her. “I hate you! Don’t come near me again!”

And with that, he stormed off with Spock in tow.

The trip back to San Francisco was silent, and Jim was fuming the whole time. Spock didn’t know what to say.

They arrived in the city and got off together. Jim muttered a curt “come on.” and by unspoken agreement, they went to Spock’s apartment.

Spock was honestly so exhausted that he wouldn’t have cared where they went. He would have slept on a bench at that point.

While he unlocked the door, he said “You can take a shower if you wish to.”

And Jim sighed, following him in. “Spock?”

Spock glanced back to see him staring down at the floor, looking dejected. “‘M sorry.”

“For your mother’s actions?”

“Yeah. And for being a dick the whole way home. You have enough shit on your mind without worrying about me.”

Spock sighed and went over to take Jim’s hands gently. “Jim. You are within your rights to be angry.”

“Still!” Jim insisted. “I just- I can’t believe she did that- kept me away from-”

“She did not.” Spock interrupted, squeezing Jim’s hands. “After all, we are together now, are we not?”

Jim blinked, then smiled warmly at him.

“Yeah.” He said, squeezing Spock’s hands. “Yeah, we are.”

Chapter Text

Spock was nervous.

Jim was sitting on the bed in Spock’s room, wondering if he should feel weird being there. He’d been sleeping in Spock’s guestroom pretty much every night for the three weeks they’d been back on earth. This was his first real time in Spock’s bedroom.

Spock was in the bathroom.

He was nervous.

Today was the day they were declaring Spock as Captain. Jim smiled a bit at the thought- Spock was excited, he could tell, but nervous. Understandable, this was a frankly terrifying thing.

When Jim was little, he had dreamed of being a captain. But now he was blind. Blind people simply… couldn’t be captains. There were too many things that a sensor array could miss, there were too many things you just… needed to be able to see.

“I’m gonna be a captain someday!” He’d boasted to Spock over vidcall one day. “Like my dad!”

“I see,” Spock agreed, nodding. “I can envision you in command gold.”

Jim’s chest puffed up, and he giggled, then he sat down on his bed again to look at Spock seriously. “When I do, you gotta be my science officer!"

Spock blinked, then shook his head. “I will attend the VSA after the learning center, as my father before me. I will likely take his place as Ambassador.”

Jim snorted, rolling his eyes. “Like you want that.”

“It is what my father has been preparing me for my whole childhood.”

“So what? Just because you’ve been groomed to be the ambassador doesn’t mean you have to be,” Jim protested, bouncing on his bed and giggling when it made the comm unit shift.

Spock’s eyes rolled back into his head and Jim pictured his friend asking Surak for strength.

“My father will be incredibly disappointed if I do otherwise,” Spock said, shaking his head a little.

“You still don’t want that.” Jim huffed, his blue eyes full of concern.. Spock sighed, looking down at his lap.

“It is not…” He shook his head. “I can not-“

Jim frowned, watching his friend and feeling guilty. He wished- not for the first time- that he could feel Spock’s emotions across the vidcall, so he could comfort him appropriately.

There was a noise from downstairs, and both boys straightened. Jim flinched, and Spock’s eyes darkened.

“That’s Frank,” Jim whispered, swallowing. “I gotta go.”

“Be safe, Jim. Please,” Spock begged, and Jim nodded quickly.

“Halfbreed power is no joke?” Jim asked, and Spock’s lips twitched as he nodded. “Remain strong, my friend.”

Spock held up a quick ta’al, and Jim nodded at him before cutting the call.

Jim sighed, shaking his head. His dreams were dashed; now he’d never be captain. Now Spock was living… his dream? Jim frowned as he suddenly realized- Spock had never wanted to be a captain, not while Jim had known him. What had changed? When had that changed?

Not for the first time, he felt a stab of anger at his mother, for keeping him from those answers, from Spock. For years.

I thought he would negatively impact you. Negative impact, his ass.

There was a whimper, and the sound sent a chill down Jim’s spine. He hated that sound. Spock should never have to make such a sad, painful sound.

Deciding that his boyfriend had hidden in the bathroom long enough, Jim stood up and shuffled in the general direction of the bathroom, watching Spock’s emotional signal through the wall and hoping that Spock didn’t have any haphazard furniture or random articles of clothing thrown in the middle of the floor waiting to trip Jim up.

He heard the door open, and the sound of Spock’s shaky breathing was suddenly much louder in Jim’s ear. He sighed softly and shuffled forward.

“Babe, you gotta stop hiding from me when you feel overwrought. One of the benefits of dating an empath is that I’m pretty good at comforting.”

He stubbed his toe on the vanity, and yelped. “Okay seriously, please talk to me before I walk into something else?!”

A warm hand grabbed his wrist, fingers long and delicate. The contact made the emotions even clearer- instead of just an orange, citrus-tasting blob, Jim could feel that Spock was absolutely terrified, so incredibly scared of messing up and getting (even more) people killed. Jim couldn’t blame him- his last captaincy had been under some shitty circumstances, and so many people had died, so many Starfleet officers and Spock’s whole planet and his mother-

“Jim.” Spock whispered, and Jim sunk down, pulling Spock (who was presumably sitting on the edge of the bathtub) into his lap and holding him tightly. Spock buried his face in Jim’s shoulder and inhaled shakily, and Jim ran a hand along his spine.

They were quiet, and then Spock muttered, “I am worried that I will fail.”

“Impossible,” Jim said, kissing the Spock on the head.

“It should be you, Jim”

“Honey, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m blind,” Jim said with a small chuckle. “Besides, it was you who captained the-”

“No.” Spock interrupted. “It should be you. This was your dream.”

“... How’d you know I was thinking about that earlier?” Jim muttered softly, squeezing Spock.

Spock swallowed. “You project. Quite loudly. And I am-”

“-An adept telepath, I know.” Jim said, sighing. “Sorry. It doesn’t change the fact that you deserve this.”

“You do as well. You should be a captain, the best captain the ‘Fleet has to offer.”

Jim remembered the memories from the old Spock for just a millisecond, but blocked them before they can seep over to the man in his arms. Spock wasn’t wrong, but Jim has always hated dealing in what if’s. He didn’t like to dwell on what could have been, it just led to disappointment.

What if we’d never been separated, what if I’d never lost my sight, what if we were human. It was all pointless to dwell on.

“That may be,” Spock said, apparently picking up his thoughts. “But it does not change the fact that you- this was forced on you and I-”

“-couldn’t have done anything.” Jim pulled away enough to touch Spock’s cheek. “You couldn’t have saved me Spock, remember that.”

“I try,” Spock whispered. “But… it is hard. I feel as though I should have looked harder, now that I know you were alive the whole time. I should not have accepted your mother’s words so easily.”

“Aren’t guilt trips illogical?” Jim questioned, trying to make his boyfriend laugh. But Spock just sighed, shaking his head minutely.

“I could not even save you, the one person I have always done my best to protect. How can I be the captain of a starship?”

Jim hugged him tightly again, then pulled back. “Okay, look at me.”

He took off his sunglasses and folded them carefully in his lap. “Listen, I’m blind. That isn’t gonna change. I can’t captain a starship, not directly, but I’ll be there to advise and help every step of the way as your chief science officer and your partner in life. And in crime.” He gave Spock the most charming, loving smile he could muster.

He reached out awkwardly, groping, and was relieved when Spock leaned into his palm so that Jim could caress his cheek. “You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met, and you’re strong and kind and good, so good. Sweetheart, you are so incredibly qualified for this job, it’s astonishing.”

He projected as strongly as he could, and knew that Spock had felt him when he heard the Vulcan gasp softly.

“Half-breed power is not a fucking joke,” Jim whispered fiercely. “It’s you and me against the entire world, and guess what? We’re gonna do this, because we can do anything, when we’re together. You get me?”

Jim felt Spock nod against his hand, and with that, Jim stood, pulling Spock up with him.

“Well, come on! Let’s get dressed! We have a captaincy ceremony attend!” he said with a smile, tugging Spock after him

The captaincy ceremony was such a strange juxtaposition from the hearing he and Jim had been subjected to only a few weeks ago, it made Spock vaguely dizzy.

The weight of the captaincy pin felt heavy on his breast, and he knew that with it came the weight of all the responsibility he now bore. He didn’t imagine it would get lighter with time.

There had been a reception afterwards, something to “raise a glass to the fallen” as Jim described it. Spock had escaped only a half hour in, claiming he simply wanted some air. Jim had let him go.

Why he ended up in the hangar he couldn’t explain.

There were less ships now, because of Nero. There was one less planet now, because of Nero. He still couldn’t wrap his head around that, that T’Khasi was dead, gone.

God, what happened now?

Spock groaned and sunk down on a bench, clenching his fists in his hair. He suddenly felt like there wasn’t enough air in here- God, he was a Captain. What was he doing? What was he thinking? The last time he was Captain, he’d caused a black hole just like the one that destroyed his planet and killed his mother and-

Footsteps. Someone was approaching him. He curled in tighter on himself, hoping in vain that they would walk past. God he couldn’t breathe-

“Young one.”

The voice was old, wizened with age and time. A bony hand came to rest on his shoulder. Father…?

He looked up. Human eyes.

“... I-” Spock blinked. “I-”

The other Vulcan- the other him- gave something not dissimilar to a smile. “Indeed. A most unique circumstance.”

“You gave Montgomery that warp equation.” Spock said, and why on earth that was the first thing that floated up to the top of his brain was a mystery, but he was in the middle of his pre-panic attack state, and he was certain the world was about to implode under his feet, so he wasn’t truly focusing on what was coming out of his mouth.

“Yes, now you must breathe in,” the other him said, and Spock inhaled automatically. The elder- Spock smiled down at him gently, “and now out. You are very smart, you know how to breathe, correct?”

What a foolish question, of course he knew how to breathe. Breathing was an involuntary mechanism that involved the diaphragm expanding and contracting and causing the lungs to expand as they filled with air. You took in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide and as you breathed, the epiglottis shifted so air would not go into the stomach and cause gas-

And suddenly, he realized that he was breathing. There was plenty of air, and his heart rate had decelerated. He felt calmer. The elder him was looking at him kindly, and Spock closed his eyes for a moment, murmuring “thank you.”

“It is not an issue. I have… an exclusive knowledge as to how our specific brand of anxiety works.” For a moment, the elder’s eyes grew far away, as if he was remembering something. Then he shook himself and looked back at Spock, tilting his head.

“I was at the ceremony, I noticed you leaving the reception,” he explained, “I followed. May I sit?”

Spock shifted on the bench to allow his counterpart room to sit, staring at him. “Who- how did you-“

“It is a very long story,” the elder explained, “one I will tell you eventually. For now, know that I am you, and I am from another timeline- the future of it, where our mother died of old age.”

The noise Spock made sounded pitiful to his own ears, but the other vulcan simply looked understanding.

“S’ti th’laktra,” He said gently, “I only know a small fraction of your pain, but know that I do feel the loss of our- your world.”

“You got Jim back aboard,” Spock whispered, “Thank you.”

“You and he are already friends,” the elder began, and Spock shook his head. “I believe, at this point, he is my boyfriend.”

The elder… smiled, and Spock felt his throat tighten. How- when- had he become so… at ease with his emotions? Spock couldn’t quite understand it.

“You two are on the path to a highly successful partnership,” the elder said gently. “It is… universe-altering. Jim is the best man I ever knew.”

“Unsurprising,” Spock said, sighing. Then he fell silent, “Do you intend to go back to the colony?”

“Yes,” said the elder one, “I have to correct my mistakes. And, it means you can remain in starfleet.”

“How did you-”

“I had a… feeling, that you would be concerned with what to do in regards to your responsibility to the colony. Fear not, I believe you will benefit us more in starfleet.”

“But logically-”

“Spock,” the elder said, “in this case, just this once… put aside logic, do what feels right.”

Spock swallowed as the old man rose. Do what feels right.

“I believe my usual farewell would be oddly self serving,” the old man held up a ta’al, “So I will impart my wishes of good fortune upon you in the human way. Good luck, Spock. I believe you will prosper.”

And then, he was gone.

Several days later, Jim sat on the bridge, humming happily as his earpiece automatically linked with his counsel. Scotty had brought him up a day early, walked him about and let him get acquainted with the ship. He’d also chatted amicably about Spock, and it warmed Jim’s heart to know Spock had made a friend in the engineer.

He heard the bridge bustling about behind him, and smiled a bit when he could pick out Sulu and Chekov’s voices, along with Bones puttering about. He’d come up to check on Jim, but apparently he’d gotten caught up in a conversation with a yeoman if his flirtatious mood was anything to go by.

The door to the turbolift hissed open, and Jim smiled.

The bridge fell quiet for a few seconds, and Spock’s tread was carefully controlled as he walked onto the bridge. God he probably looked handsome in the golds. Jim wished he could see.

“At ease,” Spock said, and the chatter resumed. “Doctor McCoy, I assume medbay is prepped?”

“It sure is,” Bones said, and Jim could hear the unspoken hobgoblin behind his words. Spock didn’t comment on it, instead continuing around the bridge to check on Pavel and Hikaru and make sure they were ready.

Jim smiled, Spock was a natural at this. He remembered, again, how he was a little kid and he was certain he was gonna be a captain, how sure he was that Spock would be his first officer. Sure, it was the other way around, but his dream had come true. He and Spock, on a ship together, about to explore the galaxy.

“Mr. Kirk?” Spock said, and Jim grinned in his general direction. “All science labs reporting green, captain. We’re ready to-”

He paused, frowning minutely, and then grinned again. “Jim?” Spock asked, confused, and Jim glanced back at him. “Nothing, sir. Just a first officer applicant you’ll be interested in.”

Before Spock could respond, the turbolift swished open again, and Nyota stepped out, heels clicking softly on the floor.

“Captain Spock,” she began formally, “I would like to put in an application for first officer. “You’ll find the form in your inbox. I neglected to provide character references, and in lieu of them… included an apology.” she cleared her throat, and Jim heard her shift her weight. “I… I acted out of line, during the crisis, and if you want to let that impact your decision-”

“Apologies are illogical,” Spock said, “as is letting past events influence current actions, Nyota.”

Jim ducked his head to hide his smile as Nyota’s nervous emotions receded at the unspoken forgiveness. He had a good feeling about this partnership.

“Well, Miss Uhura, as chief of communications, please ensure that all departments are ready,” spock said as the moment passed and Nyota responded with a quick aye sir. Jim heard the beep as Spock pressed the intercom button to call Scotty.

The feeling of the ship taking off under his feet was just as amazing as he imagined.

This was gonna be great, Jim decided. And the Enterprise soared to the stars.