Archive of Our Own ^beta

Evan stared blankly at the ceiling, breathing in the smell of coffee wafting from the kitchen and into his room. Coffee meant his mom was up, so it must be morning. The curtains were drawn closed so tightly he couldn’t see if the sun was up or not. Judging by the gentle patter of rain on the roof above him, it would have been dark outside no matter what.
He rolled onto his left side and pulled the covers up over his ears. He didn’t want to hear the rain anymore. Evan usually found it to be a comforting sound, something he would put on when he was anxious and couldn’t sleep at night. But every time he closed his eyes, the rain only reminded him of the way it pounded overhead on the Murphy’s roof as he told them everything, as he broke their hearts and as they all left him one by one. It hadn’t stopped raining all night, the memories and thoughts hadn’t stopped either, and Evan had never felt so exhausted.
Not that he felt bad for himself or anything. This was exactly what he deserved. He deserved to never sleep again, for all of these horrible thoughts to never go away. He deserved for everyone to leave him, because only a sicko would lie to the family of a boy who killed himself. Only Evan would be stupid and selfish enough to pretend that someone would actually want to be friends with him and that a girl like Zoe would actually want him and that parents like Cynthia and Larry would ever be so nice to him and treat him like their own son. Of course he deserved for them to hate him and leave him, of course he deserved all of this and that’s why he hadn’t done anything to stop all of these thoughts that had been burning in his mind all night.
Even if he deserved it, it still hurt. It hurt worse than anything he’d felt before and Evan didn’t know how he was supposed to handle it, or what he was supposed to do besides tear himself apart for managing to hurt every single person he was remotely close to in one night.
He hadn’t realized he was crying again until he felt the tear drip down his nose. Rubbing his burning eyes, he tried to swallow past the lump in his throat that hadn’t left him all night either. His arms felt like weights as he lowered them back onto the bed and tucked them against his chest and under his chin.
Every fiber of his being was tired. He’d given up on trying to sleep hours ago, and instead had let his thoughts have free reign. Which wasn’t ever a good idea, as he’d learned from experience. It had certainly been a bad idea tonight and he’d somehow managed to make his ever growing list of regrets even longer. He’d told himself that he shouldn’t feel bad about doing what he’d done because it was what he deserved. Though he probably shouldn’t have done what he did regardless, since he promised himself he wouldn’t do it again and his mom would be even more hurt if she found out. Yeah, he really had managed to screw everything up more than he already had.
The clanging of pots from downstairs broke through the swarm of thoughts. Mom really was up. The night he thought he wouldn’t get through was finally over. And it sounded like she was actually making breakfast. She hadn’t done that in months. Of course, she hadn’t really been home in months. Which was fine, because she was taking classes and going to work, and it was okay that she didn’t have much time for Evan because she was trying to support and take care of him. Even though she really shouldn’t have been doing that because Evan didn’t deserve it, and he still couldn’t understand why she hadn’t yelled at him last night and kicked him out of the house. He’d thought about leaving sometime in the middle of the night so she wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. It would have been a lot better for her. But he also knew that it would have broken her heart, again, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt anyone else. So he’d stayed. And now she was making breakfast for him and Evan didn’t really know how to handle that either.
Part of him wanted to go down there and not be alone with himself anymore. But the other part of him knew that this was what he deserved, he didn’t deserve breakfast or Mom or anything else except being alone for the rest of his life. But he really couldn’t stand how cold and dark it was up here or the same twisted circle of thoughts that had been playing over and over again in his mind and most of all he couldn’t stand himself for one more second.
He shoved the covers off, sat up, and threw his legs over the side of the bed before he could change his mind. Dizziness washed over him the moment he was up. He really was tired. And hungry. His stomach growled at the smell of food that was now making his way up to him. He hadn’t eaten at all yesterday, and he couldn’t remember if he had the day before either. He could hear Dr. Sherman and his mom telling him how bad that was and how that only made the anxiety worse. However, throwing up also made his anxiety worse, so he’d opted to avoid risking it..
Slowly he stood up, closing his eyes against the dizziness and doing his best to take deep, slow breaths. After he began to feel steady, he shuffled toward the door that led out of his room. The jeans and polo he’d lain in all night were stiff and smelled like sweat. He knew he should change, but he didn’t have the energy. Instead he grabbed a hoodie and threw it on to try and stop his incessant shivering and cover the red lines that traveled up the length of his inner left forearm. He ignored the flood of guilt he felt at the sight of them and zipped the hoodie up all the way.
There, that was probably good enough. Mom wouldn’t ever know what was under the hoodie, or that he’d slept, or rather, lain in these clothes all night long. She’d never know he hadn’t slept all night because Evan was going to try to smile so she wouldn’t worry. She already worried too much about him when she really shouldn’t because he certainly didn’t deserve that.
He rubbed his eyes to try and get rid of the burning and was assaulted with another wave of the sweaty smell covering his body.
Maybe it was good enough, but he should double check in the mirror just in case.
The first thing he noticed after shuffling his way over to the mirror hanging above his dresser was how red and puffy his eyes looked. Then he noticed the dark bags under them, then the tears that were still staining his cheeks after his night-long breakdown. His hair looked like he hadn’t washed it in a few days, probably because he hadn’t, and his hoodie was wrinkled and still a little damp from the soaking it had gotten last night. His pants looked like he had definitely slept in them. Evan would have been startled at the sight if he wasn’t so tired and if he didn’t feel exactly like what he saw in the reflection.
Mom was going to be so worried. He could see it now. He’d come down the stairs and she’d turn around with a smile on her face. It would disappear when she saw him and she’d gasp and ask if he was alright and Evan would have to lie again and say he was fine, even though he wasn’t fine and of course Mom knew that but for some reason it almost made him feel better saying it, and then she’d ask him a bunch of questions he didn’t want to answer, and then she’d be disappointed in him and sad, and it would be all his fault again.
Maybe he should change and wash his face.
Not that that would actually make a difference, because he still felt like crap. He didn’t like to make eye contact with himself in the mirror very often, but he knew if he did he would see someone who was tired and no amount of face washing or clothes changing could ever fix that. Not to mention that the thought of actually doing either of those things made him want to turn around and crawl back into bed. Might as well go for it and hope for the best.
Before he could talk himself out of it, he opened the door. He tried not to be worried as he walked down the length of the hallway and into the kitchen.
Breakfast smelled delicious. His stomach growled loudly, and he wasn’t sure if that was the reason Mom turned around to look at him or if she had heard him coming. He felt his cheeks turn red but Mom pretended not to notice as she smiled at him.
“Good morning, sweetie. You’re up early.”
Evan nodded, fiddling with the frayed sleeves of his hoodie. Mom had never been the type of person to ignore when he looked rough or when she noticed something was off with him. He knew he looked awful, so why hadn’t she said anything? Hadn’t she noticed? No matter the reason, it made Evan uncomfortable.
“Breakfast is almost ready if you wanna have a seat.” She said as she turned back to her cooking.
Nodding even though she couldn’t see it, Evan slid into the kitchen chair nearest him. He resisted the overwhelming urge to lay his head on the table and sleep or cry or something and watched his mom instead. She was dishing up what looked to be blueberry pancakes and bacon onto two plates. One had noticeably more food on it than the other, and this is the one she put in front of him.
“Made ‘em just for you!” Her voice was as cheery as ever as she smiled down at Evan. He couldn’t miss the worry that flashed across her face as they made eye contact, though it quickly dissipated. He did his best to return the smile as sincerely as he could. He really was so grateful for the breakfast and the fact that Mom would take the time to do this for him, especially since when he looked into her eyes she looked exhausted too.
“Thank you.” He said quietly, shooting her another smile before reaching for the syrup.
His stomach growled again, loudly enough that there was no way Mom hadn’t heard. Evan blushed but continued to pour the syrup onto his pancakes even though he could feel her looking at him.
“They smell great.”
As hard as he had tried to make his voice sound chipper, there was no getting around the fact that it sounded very, very fake and very, very tired.
Mom didn’t say anything. She normally would have said something. Why wasn’t she saying anything, why did this have to be so weird and hard?
Evan quickly took a bite of the pancakes to distract himself. They weren’t bad, considering they had come from the Great Value boxed mix Mom always used. They were never great, but they certainly weren’t awful this time around either. Yet as hungry as he was and as not-bad as the food tasted, he could hardly gag down the first bite.
Mom pulled up a chair next to him and sat almost uncomfortably close and almost not close enough.
“Did you do okay last night?”
Evan glanced up at her as she poured syrup over her pancakes. He was expecting something much more along the lines of ‘how did you sleep last night?’ or ‘you look awful’. Somehow this question was simultaneously better than either of these and also more unnerving.
Mom looked up at him questioningly and he nodded, quickly bringing his attention back down to his barely touched pancakes.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, yeah.” He nodded again and added a smile for extra reassurance.
There he went lying again. Didn’t he promise himself last night that he was never going to lie ever again, since all he ever did was lie and run and that’s what had gotten him into this awful mess that he was in, and that’s what had made him hurt Zoe and Alana and Cynthia and Larry and Jared and Mom, and now he was already lying again, he was such a screw up-
Mom’s hand on his jolted him back to the present.
He was crying again. Of course he was. And mom had seen, and now she was worried, and it was all his fault again. The flood of emotions that he’d thought he’d left behind in his bedroom came rushing back. All he wanted was to have a nice, almost normal breakfast with Mom. Apparently though, when it came to Evan nothing could be normal.
Mom didn’t say anything. She just rubbed the back of his hand and smiled at him in a way that was encouraging but also unsure, like she didn’t know what she was supposed to say. Should he say something? Maybe? Probably? He chose to avoid eye contact and hope that Mom would speak first.
“I’m guessing last night wasn’t actually so great?”
Mom’s voice was gently and a little shaky. Evan knew she was crying now. She wasn’t going to let him keep lying. She wanted him to look at her. He could feel her stare burning into him, but he knew if he looked up and saw the tears that were sure to be in her eyes then he’d start crying even more and that wouldn’t do anything to help anyone.
So he kept his eyes trained on the stack of pancakes in front of him and shrugged.
“It was pretty awful.”
He tried to laugh a little as he said it. It sounded so shaky and fake and wrong.
The only sound in the kitchen was the steady patter of rain on the roof..
Mom apparently still wasn’t sure what to say. Evan wasn’t either. He pushed around the bacon on his plate, wondering if Mom felt bad that he wasn’t eating or if she understood.
“I took the weekend off.”
Mom’s voice wasn’t shaky anymore, thank God.
“I thought we could hang out. Watch some old movies, eat a bunch of junk food. Whatever you want.”
Mom squeezed his hand just hard enough that it stopped shaking.
“It’s been way, way too long since we’ve spent some time together, you know? And I didn’t want you to…”
The unfinished sentence hung in the air, giving Evan plenty of room to finish it in his mind. To be alone? To do something stupid? To completely ruin his life even more than he already had?
“I want to spend some time with you. Doing whatever you want. Whether that’s talking, or watching TV, or doing nothing. Whatever you want to do, all weekend long. And if you’d like, you can even take a couple days off of school, and I can take a few more days off of work, and we can have a little longer. Before we have to go back to everything. How does that sound?”
Back to everything.
Those words echoed through Evan’s mind. Back to school, and the Connor Project, and the orchard, and all of the kids who had somehow began to rely on him, and Jared, and Alana, and Zoe. How was he ever supposed to face any of them again?
But that’s just what Mom was saying, he realized. He didn’t have to yet. He had this weekend, with him and his mom, who had taken time from her crazy schedule to spend some of it with him so he didn’t have to be alone. That’s it. He could worry about all of that other stuff when the time came.
That was far easier said than done.
“That sounds… awesome.” Evan finally responded with a smile that was almost real as he glanced up at his mom, blinking away the tears that still clouded his vision.
“Great! Yay!”
Mom looked genuinely excited. She grabbed his hand with both of hers and squeezed it again.
“This is gonna be so cool!” She squealed with her usual enthusiasm that often times annoyed Evan, but made him feel a little less like dirt today.
He nodded again, quickly wiping away the tears in his eyes with his free hand. Yeah, this weekend would be cool. It was going to be great, and Evan wasn’t going to worry about school or Zoe or how badly he had screwed everything up. He was going to forget about everything for a little while, and he wasn’t going to be anxious at all, and he was going to simply spend some time with Mom.
Yep, he wasn’t going to worry at all.
Not even a little.
“But before we do anything, you need to eat that breakfast.” Mom gestured meaningfully at the intimidatingly large stack of pancakes in front of him. The look in her eyes said that she knew he hadn’t been eating well and he wasn’t leaving the table until these pancakes were gone.
“Sounds good!”
Maybe there was a little too much enthusiasm in his voice and maybe his grin was a little too big to be genuine, but it was enough for Mom.
She smiled at him as she let go of his hand and dug into her own breakfast, starting to talk about something funny her boss had told her the other day. It almost felt like everything was normal. Or like everything was trying too hard to be normal.
Evan listened as attentively as he could, telling himself that this weekend would be great, that he wasn’t going to think about school, or the Murphy’s, or anyone else, that Mom didn’t hate him and that she was spending time with him because she loved him and not because she was scared he was going to pull a more successful repeat of last summer’s incident. He tried to tell himself that he was starving and these pancakes tasted delicious and that mom wouldn’t notice if he didn’t take his hoodie off all weekend and that for right now in this moment everything was okay.
Looks like he wasn’t ready to stop lying after all.