Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

double b added gyeommie, jflawless, sunshine youngjae, mark, kookie, hobi, suga, tae and jimin to ‘kiddos’

double b: hey i thought we could talk about what happens with this thing u kno?

gyeommie: good idea, bam!

kookie: we can help each other out!

suga: this is gonna get annoying real fast

mark: right

tae: shut up yoongz

tae: ur annoying too, don’t be mean to every1 bc you don’t get it

mark: lol, yeah yoongz

suga: shut up mark

jimin: this might be a good experience for mom and dad

sunshine: we call our parents mom and dad too lol

tae: which one is ur mom tho?

jflawless: jinyoung ofc

hobi: our mom is jin

double b: we literally all could have guessed that

gyeommie: he makes u all lunch

gyeommie: for my lunch today, mom gave me five dollars and told me to fuck myself

double b:  :(

double b: for my lunch today,  i got told to fuck myself and nothing else

mark: lol suck it

jimin: anybody else just realise how bad of an idea this is?

tae: yep

suga: yeah

kookie: im afraid.

mark: you’ll be fine, just as long as you don’t get too clingy

jflawless: jinyoung hates it

jimin: oh shit

sunshine: its not too bad i promise

double b: :( :( :(

jimin: starts tomorrow, are you all ready?

jflawless: well fuck

jflawless: no, im not ready

mark: why are u worried jackson, we’re getting a mom who will cook for us and be nice

mark: im more worried for the the others

mark: good luck kiddos.

double b:  bitch u right. Good luck fam

kookie: this is why im scared

jinyoung added jaebum, mark, sunshine, jflawless, double b, and gyeommie to ‘park and the shitheads’

jinyoung: alright losers listen up

jinyoung: the cameras get here tomorrow

jaebum: cant it be called park-im and the shitheads?

double b: im not a shithead!!

jinyoung: are you fucking serious rn

jinyoung: changed the name to park-im and the shitheads

jinyoung: there are you happy

jaebum: thanks babe

jflawless: u know were all park-im

jflawless: so whos the shitheads

jaebum changed the name to jjp and the shitheads

gyeommie: god damn it jackson

jinyoung: can you all just shut your mouths for a second

sunshine: sorry momma!

jinyoung: not you honey you’re perfect

jinyoung changed the name to jjp + markjae and the shitheads

double b: u guys are unbelievable

mark: thanks mom

mark: now you were trying to say something?

jinyoung: yes thank you baby

jinyoung: anyway the cameras are coming tomorrow

jinyoung: and all of you curse like you don’t even know proper language

gyeommie: wow i wonder why that is

jinyoung: don’t interrupt me you little shit

jinyoung: so i need you to keep it pg-13 okay

jinyoung: no cursing, no violence, no sex talk

jaebum: that’s literally all we do tho

jinyoung: cant you take my fuckin side for once?

jaebum: okay babe

jaebum: real talk though

jaebum: if we ever debut as a family band, we should name ourselves jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jinyoung: i swear to god youre so lucky youre good in bed

jaebum: yea i am ;)

jaebum: i’m happy to remind you when you get home

jflawless: we’re all still here

double b: ew dad

gyeommie: bambam its not like we havent all experienced this shit before

jinyoung: exactly bitch, stop complaining.

double b: really tho what should we call our fam

double b: you know when ppl say ‘oh theres 4 ppl in our family

double b: we could be ‘our family’s got7’

jflawless: wat

gyeommie: yooooooo

jinyoung: that’s the dumbest fucking thing you’ve ever said

jinyoung: and we adopted you as a 2 year old

jinyoung: what fuckin loser group is called got7

gourmet mom: added rap monster, tae, jimin, hobi, suga, and kookie to ‘bangtan boys’

gourmet mom: hey kiddos

rap monster: hey!!!

gourmet mom: and my handsome husband

jimin: aw cute

gourmet mom: i know right

gourmet mom: anyway, i have gathered you here because i wanted to talk to you about the next few weeks

gourmet mom: i know its weird, and youre probably wondering why we decided to do this

gourmet mom:  the answer is that my time has finally come

gourmet mom: this is my time to shine. I’m going to be famous

gourmet mom: so don’t any of you dare ruin this for me

rap monster: :/

gourmet mom: regardless of what happens, you are all to be welcoming to jinyoung.

gourmet mom: even if he is a bit of a handful sometimes.

kookie: mom don’t go please i don’t want to starve

gourmet mom: you arent going to starve, goodness.

kookie: jinyoung doesn’t make lunch for bambam and yugyeom tho

gourmet mom: you are incredibly lucky that i make lunch for you everyday. maybe you can finally learn to cook for yourselves

jimin: mom i don’t think that’s a good idea

tae: do you not remember last time?

jimin: dad set fire to the kitchen.

gourmet mom: well don’t let your father into the kitchen then. you’ll be fine.

rap monster: hey!

rap monster: i can cook without setting the kitchen on fire.

gourmet mom: doubtful.

jimin: lol burn dad

rap monster: :(

gourmet mom: either way, yoongi and jimin, i’m leaving the kitchen in your hands. if your dad tries to cook, just slap him with a spatula or something

jimin: got it

tae: what about me?

gourmet mom: honey you’re in charge of being cute. you just sit and look cool, okay?

tae: stop patronising me!!

tae: but okay

gourmet mom: are you reading this, hobi and yoongi?

suga: yes mom

hobi: yeaaaa

gourmet mom: well anyway. make jinyoung feel welcome, and make sure you all do your chores everyday. i don’t want jinyoung to think that this house is a mess all of the time

suga: it is a mess

gourmet mom: well who’s fault is that?

jimin: sorry mom :(

tae: sorry mom

suga: sorry mom

hobi: sorry mom

kookie: sorry mom

rap monster: sorry bae

gourmet mom: back to my rules.

gourmet mom: don’t destroy the kitchen, no screaming after 10.

gourmet mom: no bullying your brothers either (i'm talking to you jungkook)

gourmet mom: and don’t forget to record masterchef for the next two weeks in case i don’t get to watch it over there.

gourmet mom: also, joonie, please don’t take the kids on wednesday. i know it’s a usual thing, but i don’t want jinyoung to think im a bad parent who lets the kids go to underground rap clubs

tae: but mom, i don’t want to miss out on yoongi’s new mixtape. 

gourmet mom: hoseok will record it for you.

gourmet mom: oh and another important rule

gourmet mom: no overwatch marathons.

kookie:  but mom

tae: dad plz

gourmet mom: no buts! lol get it

rap monster: lol good one

hobi: god damn it

kookie: seriously

gourmet mom: that’s a quarter for the swear jar, hoseok!

hobi: ??? its not even a swear tho?

gourmet mom: yes it is

suga: you never listened to my music, did you?

gourmet mom: …….

gourmet mom: that’s not the point.

Chapter Text

kiddos

jimin: since were all so scared of jinyoung, is there anything that you can tell us to make this easier

double b: some of us are still trying to work that out

mark: the best time to ask him for something is after dinner, because he’s probably already had a glass of wine or two

gyeommie: don’t ask him to do stuff for you.

gyeommie: like this morning when the cameras got here, he started making lunch because i asked him to.

gyeommie: but when the camera dudes took a break, he took my lunch back and literally said ‘psych bitch you can starve’

mark: lol that was a good lunch too

kookie: oh no!! is that why you had some of mine?

gyeommie: yeah obvs

double b: he likes to pick on the younger kids, so don’t provoke him

mark: call jinyoung mom when u want something, it always works

double b: not for me :( :(

jflawless: that’s because you annoy him most of the time

mark: you too jackson, don’t even try that.

jflawless: :/

hobi: moving on!!

hobi: jin is really embarrassing.

tae: well, both of them are really embarrassing.

jimin: they make us watch their wedding video like once a month

suga: we’re all really sick of the video.

jflawless: at least your parents are nice to each other

jflawless: ive literally heard jinyoung tell jb to fuck off mulitiple times today

jimin: well, once i walked in on them doing it.

tae: yeah it was bad

gyeommie: once

double b: once

mark: once

mark: cute

gyeommie: o n c e

jflawless: once they walked into my room and started doing it while i was still there

tae: my god

suga: im so sorry

suga: are you guys like, okay?

double b: yeah mostly.

sunshine: yeah of course! everything is going to be fine, jinyoung isnt bad.

mark: lol

jflawless: lol

double b: lol

gyeommie: lol

hobi: back to the advice!!!!!!!!

hobi: if jin makes a joke during dinner, or just before, your best bet is to laugh

jimin: he gets upset if no one laughs

tae: makes dinner real awkward.

double b: is that the only thing?

gyeommie: basically my entire life up to this point is a learning experience as to not annoy jinyoung

double b: same

jflawless: same

jflawless: for example, once he’s chosen favourites, theres no going back.

jflawless: i made cookies for him once, and he ate all of them and then told me that ‘cookies arent going to make me love you’

suga: savage

double b: you have no idea

sunshine: theyre mostly joking, jinyoung doesn’t have favourites

double b: says the favourite :/

gyeommie: earlier to the camera, jinyoung was going on about how i won that dance competition last year, and how proud of me he was

gyeommie: and then they went to film something else and he literally pulled my chair out as i tried to sit down

the camera people had forced all of the park-im family onto the small couch in their living room for their interview. jinyoung and jaebum were sat in the middle between jackson and mark, and the other kids, youngjae, bambam, and yugyeom sat on the floor in the front of them.

‘so before we start filming, we’re basically going to ask you a few questions, and then you can just have a chat while we make sure we have everything. we have filmed some stuff, including individual interviews, we just need you to talk about your family, and get along like you usually do.’  the man telling them what to do motioned to the other people, telling them to start filming.

‘i’m jinyoung park-im . this is my husband, jaebum, and our five adopted children, mark, jackson, youngjae, bambam, and yugyeom.’  jinyoung smiled at his husband, as the kids all waved.

‘five kids, that’s a lot. why five?’ the man behind the camera asked.

‘well, originally jinyoung didn’t want kids, but i convinced him to get one.’ jaebum started, remembering the events that took place so long ago.

‘so we got mark, and he was perfect, so we got jackson a year and a half later.’

‘and then i told mom and dad that i wanted another brother, so we got youngjae.’ mark said.

‘and then yugy and i didn’t have a place to stay, so we stayed here for a while before mom and dad decided to adopt us’ bambam told them, gesturing to him and yugyeom.

‘are you going to get any more kids, or is this it for you?’

‘god no, i didn’t want any of these rascals in the first place.’ jinyoung winked at the camera man, who looked slightly put off by this.

‘so what is your home life like? crazy, strict, fun, that sorta thing.’

‘we’re all very different, so we get along well. i’m quite loud, whereas mark is more the quiet type. the only two who are really similar are yugyeom and bambam, and that’s because mom and dad made the mistake of letting them share a room. they’re the crazy ones.’ jackson told them.

‘like you can talk, jackson.’ youngjae interjected. bambam and yugyeom started arguing with jackson, who was beginning to yell at youngjae.

‘alright, alright, i think we’ve got everything, if you guys just want to sit there and chill for five minutes, i’ll make sure we’ve got everything before we can get out of your hair for your last night together.’ the camera dude got up and went to talk with the other two people in the room.

jinyoung immediately moved his leg, shoving bambam’s head that was leaning on it to the side.

‘mom. why.’ bambam groaned, grabbing his neck.

‘i didn’t want your gross hair product on my jeans. they were expensive, you know.’

‘they’re also mine so…’ mark told him, inspecting them closer.

‘oh sorry sweetie. must have mixed them up with my ones.’ bambam, yugyeom and jackson simultaneously roll their eyes, stretching from their positions on the floor. the camera guy walked back over, smiling at them.

‘we’ve got everything, so you’re all free to chill out and spend your last night together. good luck!’ the camera man and the others assembled their stuff, before leaving the room.

‘alright, good night.’ jinyoung got up from the couch, walking towards his and jaebum’s room.

‘don’t you want to spend time with us before you leave tomorrow?’ youngjae asked, pouting at jinyoung.

‘yeah, we want to spend some time with you before you arent here for two weeks.’ jackson

‘bitch who do you think i am? a parent who cares for his children?’ jinyoung stops in the hallway before he walked into his room.

‘mom, please?’ youngjae whines. jinyoung begins walking back to the couch and sitting down.

‘fine, but this is only for youngjae. the rest of you can suck my ass.’

‘i thought youd never ask.’ jaebum winks at his husband, as the kids all start groaning.

‘that’s it, im out. i cant take this anymore.’ jackson stood up and walked out of the room.

‘why did any of us think that family time was a good idea?’ yugyeom moaned.

‘don’t be rude!’ jinyoung yelled at him, hitting him with a cushion that was sitting on the armrest of the chair.

kiddos

gyeommie: please can yall just take jinyoung forever, i don’t want him back

double b: lol

bangtan boys

gourmet mom: can the kiddos please all assemble in the kitchen. i need your help

suga: are the cameras still here?

gourmet mom: yep

                                                                ~a small while later~

jimin: i cant believe you made us watch a documentary together at 3 in the afternoon.

tae: i thought it was interesting!

suga: and not at all what we usually do

kookie: i just missed out on like, an hour and a half of overwatch

hobi: its not like we ever do that normally

gourmet mom: the neighbours might end up watching this

gourmet mom: they already think im not as good a parent bc you kiddos don’t have a ‘real mother’

rap monster: i think you’re a great mom, jinnie

kookie: yeah youre a great mom, can i go back to playing overwatch now?

gourmet mom: you are all so ungrateful

gourmet mom: this is going to teach you all a lesson. 

gourmet mom: you’ll have jinyoung for two weeks and be begging for me to come back.

rap monster added jinyoung, jaebum and gourmet mom to ‘regrets.jpeg’

rap monster: anyone have any questions before tomorrow

jinyoung: yeah, why is your name rap monster?

rap monster: because its my stage name

jinyoung: oh okay

rap monster: i meant questions about the kids tho…

jaebum: oh right.

jaebum: um

jinyoung: who is your favourite child, i don’t want to give the others false hopes

gourmet mom: we love all our kids equally

jaebum: ……

jinyoung: of course! so do we, hahaha

Chapter Text

rap monster messaged gourmet mom

rap monster: shit, jinyoungs car just got here

rap monster: oh boy

gourmet mom: chill out , you get to stay in your own house with the kids

gourmet mom: i have to live in this house

gourmet mom:  with grumpy jaebum

rap monster: and you think that jinyoung is going to be better?

gourmet mom: i suppose you have me there.

jinyoung messaged jaebum

jinyoung: so im snooping in their room

jinyoung: its surprisingly clean

jaebum: of what?

jaebum: of course they cleaned up

jinyoung: not that you idiot

jinyoung: im looking for sex toys

jinyoung: obviously

jaebum: isnt that intruding too much

jinyoung: no of course not

jinyoung: this is the only reason i accepted this specific couple

jinyoung: so i can snoop on the ‘perfect’ couple

jinyoung: im convinced that namjoon has a daddy kink and i will find the proof

jaebum: next time, on sick sad world.

jinyoung: oh hey by the way

jinyoung:  when you’re not busy today

jinyoung: can you please work out at the house instead of going to the gym? just do some shirtless pushups or something.

jaebum: yeah sure but why

jinyoung: i want all the basic bitches from the neighbourhood council to know that i got the hottest husband around here’

jaebum: lol okay

jinyoung messaged rap monster

jinyoung: i just walked into a bedroom that i thought was the master bedroom but i was clearly mistaken

jinyoung: there are stuffed toys all around this fucking room. including on the bed.

rap monster: no that’s the right room

jinyoung: can we get rid of them

jinyoung: i feel like im being watched.

jinyoung: how do you have sex in here?

rap monster: ……

jinyoung: oh i see

jinyoung: youre into being watched

jinyoung: that’s none of my business ;)

rap monster: no we’re not, please stop

jinyoung: its totally okay if you are

jinyoung: me and jb totally fucked in the hallway last year at jimin’s birthday party

rap monster: what

dinner with jinyoung and the kim family was a lot more awkward than jinyoung had expected. jinyoung, until he collected his own family, had never really been a ‘kid person.’  he’d barely spent any time with kids but his own, and so the Kim family was an entirely new experience.

His own rules and Jin’s were incredibly different, and so Jinyoung was finding it difficult to adjust to such a constrasted situation to his own.

the kids werent responding very well to jinyoung either. the younger three kids were staring at jinyoung constantly, not even looking down to eat their food. hobi was trying his best to start conversation with jinyoung, but even he couldn’t help the uncomfortable silence in the room.

‘alright, i’ve had enough of this. i know all of your names, but like. tell me something interesting about yourselves, please. this is f-‘ jinyoung stopped briefly. ‘uh, freakin ridiculous.’

‘you have to put a quarter in the swear jar.’ namjoon grinned across the table at his new husband for the next two weeks.

‘i didn’t even swear? and, i don’t have a quarter. i gave the last of my cash to mark to buy the kids snacks for the next two weeks. i was worried that jin wouldn’t let them have junk food for a while. bambam cant live without his seaweed chip things.’  jinyoung told them, continuing to eat his food.

‘no excuses. you have to put a quarter in the jar. or an iou.’ jimin said.

‘alright fine! anyway, tell me about you as a family. you guys are clearly very different to my kids.’ there was momentary silence.

‘i like rap music, i work as a dj and a fire mixtape producer.’ yoongi scoffed at his dad.

‘he’s an okay producer. personally, i think i’m way better. oh,  i prefer to be called suga. i go to college, and i work at the record store near their school,’ yoongi guestured to his brothers. ‘i don’t think there’s anything else.’

‘i do dance. and i sing, but like, not well.’ jimin up at jinyoung, smiling shyly.

‘oh shut up chim chim, your voice is like, angels.’ hoseok told him, poking his side. 

‘i dance like them, obviously, i prefer  hobi. hoseok makes me feel like im in trouble. oh and i like watching movies, so if you wanna watch something one time?’ hoseok grinned at jinyoung as he finished his sentence.

‘dancing, video games, memes. ’ jungkook told jinyoung, laughing. almost the whole table rolled their eyes.

‘so you’re like yugyeom and bambam then.’  jinyoung asked, taking another mouthful of food.

‘yeah but better.’ jungkook added.

‘i like acting. im in the school play right now, so i have practice all the time, and no time to do anything else. oh, i like singing.  and following yoongi around sometimes.’ tae says finally. yoongi looks down at the table, scowling at his younger brother. jinyoung ignores the last part of taehyungs answer, remembering the information that jin had left for him.

‘you’re all very interesting, and talented! i wish my kids were all like, into the same sorta stuff. ive got a dancing kid, a fashion kid, a kid who fences, and my angels who are good at everything. you have that showcase coming up, right jungkook?’

‘yeah, i do. im not dancing with yugy or bambam though. im doing a solo piece, because it’s better for my chances to get a scholarship’

‘isnt it a bit early for that shit?’ jinyoung asked, frowning at jungkook. he hadnt even thought about college for his two youngest, but jungkook was already looking at scholarships.

‘swear jar’ tae reminded him, pointing to the jar on the edge of the kitchen bench.

‘oh my god, by the end of this week, namjoon, i will have funded all of your children’s college educations.’ jinyoung sighed.

‘that’s another one too.’ namjoon looked at him, smirking.

‘fuck.’

rap monster messaged jinyoung

rap monster: hey, theres a frame on the bedside table, what is it?

rap monster: its really cute

jinyoung: oh, that’s a birthday card that the losers made me when they were 8.

rap monster: which ones are the losers tho?

jinyoung: yugyeom and bambam, obviously.

rap monster:  well, its very…

rap monster: colourful

jinyoung: i mean, it looks like shit. glitter and macaroni, i don’t know what they were thinking

jinyoung: i keep it in case there’s a zombie apocalypse, you know

jinyoung: like i’ll have some food, right?

rap monster: don’t you think that it will have gone off by then?

jinyoung: maybe.

jin was having a great time at the park-im family home. the kids were helping him with everything, doing stuff for him, helping him put away some of his clothes. they even made him a drink and made him relax on one of the chaise lounges in the garden.

yugyeom, bambam and youngjae all sat with him, asking questions, discussing themselves and what they would be doing for the next two weeks with jin.

‘oh hey, dad’s home.’ yugyeom told jin, getting up from his chair.

‘he’s home early, that’s weird.’ youngjae checked his watch, frowning.

‘he must have skipped the gym. i wonder why,’ bambam pondered. ‘he’s pretty strict with his gym schedule. jinyoung tells him all the time that he’s going to leave if he doesn’t keep his abs.’ jin gasped, putting down his drink.

‘that’s horrible!’

‘he’s kidding. it seems like he isnt, but jinyoung loves jaebum a lot. us too.’ youngjae smiled at jin.

‘sometimes.’ bambam looks over at yugyeom and sighs.

‘well there will be none of that while i’m here!’ jin reached over and ruffled yugyeom’s hair.

‘ugh stop, i spent ages on that.’ yugyeom groaned, pulling away from jin.

‘would you be nice to our guest, please.’ jaebum appeared in the garden, smiling at jin. jin started to stand up, to greet his new husband. ‘hey, stay there, i just came down to have a swim. jackson is supposed to be down too.’

‘hey dad, sorry i got distracted talking to someone.’ jackson yelled from the balcony, his stuff and running down the stairs.

‘ooooh, jackson has a girlfriend.’ yugyeom teased his older brother. when jackson finally appeared next to his brothers, he shoved yugyeom.

‘i don’t, stop gossiping about me.’ jackson groaned. ‘jinyoung does enough snooping, i don’t need jin snooping either.’

‘anyway, you ready?’ jaebum gestured to the pool. jackson nodded, following jaebum through the gate to the pool area.

almost an hour later, jackson and jaebum emerged from the pool, dripping wet. jin watched as jaebum put his clothes back on, noticing that he definitely did have abs like the kids said. both jackson and jaebum came and sat down on the chairs near jin.

‘jackson, go dry yourself off and put a shirt on.’ jaebum scolded his son. 

‘no, he’s absolutely fine, no need to get dressed.’ jackson grinned at jin and winks. the other kids and jaebum groan, clearly completely unprepared for the next two weeks of jin.

kiddos

gyeommie: jin just flirted with jackson

double b: it was  d i s g u s t i n g

jflawless: i cant help that im beautiful

mark: im so annoyed i missed that

kookie: bitch same

tae: how hot was jackson tho

jflawless: like 1264/10

double b: i mean

double b: hes our brother and that’s gross

gyeommie: but

gyeommie: he had just gotten out of the pool + muscles like u wouldn’t believe

suga: so as hot as my mixtape?

kookie: 3 dead, 27 wounded, thousands of tears shed.

jimin: stop

tae:  please

tae: never again

mark: that was awful

suga: so all of you yell at me for not knowing your dumb memes, and when i do learn, i get told to stop.

suga: fine.

Chapter Text

jin created the group park-im + jin

gourmet mom: hey is everyone awake?

gourmet mom: can you please come downstairs.

sunshine: sure!

mark: do you want me to wake everyone up?

gourmet mom: yes please! i have a surprise.

everyone but bambam slowly made their way downstairs and into the kitchen, where jin had prepared a huge breakfast. they all sat down at the table, suddenly becoming way more awake and able to consume the huge amount of food that jin had made for them.

‘hey, where is bambam?’ jin asked, looking between the kids who were busy shoving food in their mouths.

‘he’s still asleep. he doesn’t usually get up on weekends before 1pm. we were up until late editing our latest video. i’ll go get him.’ yugyeom got up from the table and slowly walked back up the stairs.

‘video for what?’ jin asked, getting himself another pancake.

‘they have a youtube channel where they do dumb stuff like prank the other kids, and dance covers. once a month bambam just complains about stuff for 15 minutes.’ jaebum tells jin. ‘its really dumb, but it stops them from going to the mall to mess around for hours on end.’

‘oh, my kids do that too! jungkook say he can make money of playing overwatch on the internet but i think he’s just messing with me.’ yugyeom and bambam come back down the stairs a minute later, bambam not even looking awake.

‘morning.’ bambam groans, stretching as he walks to the table. ‘oh hey, breakfast. thanks jin!’

‘you’re welcome honey!’ jin grinned at him. ‘oh hey, what’s your video about?’

‘we did an extreme ‘the floor is lava’ challenge. it’s gonna get mad views.’ yugyeom said to jin, high-fiving a tired bambam over the table.

‘it got you banned from home depot, so it better.’ jaebum sighed, face-palming.

kiddos

gyeommie: so fun story

gyeommie: we were walking with jin today after brunch

double b: which was fucking delicious by the way, holy shit

gyeommie: anyway, we found this tiny puppy in a box on the side of the road

gyeommie: so we brought her home after taking her to the vet to be checked

sunshine: we named her coco and she is really cute

kookie: send us a photo when u can

jflawless: like really cute

mark: we have already fought over her multiple times.

sunshine: mark thinks her bed should be in his room because he has the single room

sunshine: he is sorely mistaken

sunshine: me and jackson will be great parents to coco.

jimin: awwwww

jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jaebum removed jinyoung from jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jaebum: so whats the plan about coco

jaebum: jinyoung likes pets as much as he likes kids

jflawless: but jinyoung doesn’t like kids

jaebum: exactly

mark: well i say we don’t tell him until he gets here

double b: and then we get youngjae to tell him

double b: he cant say no to youngjae

jaebum: that’s ridiculous

jaebum: lets do it.

jaebum added jinyoung to  jjp + markjae and the shitheads.

jinyoung: what

jaebum: nothing!!!

 ‘oh hey, i just heard you got a new dog! have you got photos?’ jimin asked jinyoung, sitting down at the table where he  was reading.

‘im sorry, what did you just say?’ jinyoung asked, looking up at jimin.

‘your new dog, coco?’ jimin stared at jinyoung, wondering why he was reacting to his question like that.

‘excuse me for a moment.’ jinyoung got up from the table, walking out onto the balcony and shutting the door, before calling his husband.

the park-im family were sat around watching tv when jaebum’s phone rang. ‘oh hey, its jinyoung,’ jaebum answered the phone.

‘hey babe, what are you up to, were just watching a movie.’

‘when the fuck did you get a dog and not tell me about it?’

‘we don’t have a dog, i don’t know what youre talking about.’ just as jaebum said this, coco barked at youngjae, who was playing with her.  ‘that was jackson barking just then.’ jackson and youngjae both start making barking noises, trying to throw jinyoung off.

‘i’m not an idiot jaebum, why the fuck did you get a dog?’

‘well, we found it and youngjae got really attached to her, so we couldn’t help but bring her home. she’s all clean and everything. mark and youngjae both promise that they will look after her.’

‘fine, but just so you know, i’m not having sex with you for 2 weeks after i get home.’

‘but babe…’

‘no, fuck you, you got a dog without asking me.’

‘well, i…’ jaebum started, but jinyoung hung up the phone before he could finish his sentence. jaebum shoves his phone into his pocket, before turning to look at his kids.

‘alright which one of you fucking idiots told the kim idiots that we got a dog?’ jaebum asks. almost a whole minute passed without anyone speaking up.

‘you know what, why did i even ask.’ jaebum paused for a minute. ‘of course it was yugyeom.’ yugyeom quickly jumps up from his place on the couch and runs towards the window.

‘i’m out!’ yugyeom yells, trying to climb outside. jackson quickly ran over to grab him before he could climb out.

‘its not his fault, he’s in love with jungkook, he cant keep secrets.’ jackson told his dad, while still holding on to yugyeom.

‘yes i can!’ yugyeom yelled, finally becoming limp in jacksons arms. jackson dropped him on the floor, laughing at his younger brother

‘so you don’t deny that youre in love with him?’ mark asked yugyeom.

‘shut up!’ yugyeom yelled once again, rolling his eyes at his family.

‘they’re going on a date next thursday.’ bambam grinned as he told them.

‘next thursday? you know i’m taking jin, youngjae and mark to a play right? i cant give you a ride.’ jaebum told him.

‘no no, jungkook is picking him up here!’ bambam told them excitedly. yugyeom walks over to bambam, grabbing a cushion from the couch before sitting on bambam and trying to suffocate him.

‘shut your whore mouth, you snake.’ yugyeom scowled at bambam, promising himself that he wouldn’t talk to him for the rest of the day.

kookie added jinyoung, rap monster, suga, jimin, tae, and hobi to ‘kim + jinyoung’

kookie: can someone give me a ride on thursday night?

kookie: im going bowling

rap monster: im not gonna be around but yoongi can take my car

suga: please don’t make me drive you to a date

jinyoung: wtf you don’t ask your family to drive you to a date that’s so lame

jinyoung: i can drop you off near their place and you can get an uber

rap monster: who are you going with anyway?

kookie: yugyeom, actually. its not a date

jinyoung: you’re going on a date with my son?

kookie: its not a date

tae: its definitely a date

jimin: then how come you didn’t invite any of us

kookie: because youre all lame

kookie: besides, its been ages since me and yugyeom spent time just the two of us.

jinyoung: jesus fucking christ, it’s a date.

jinyoung: i changed my mind im not dropping you off to a date with my son

suga: fine, ill take him to the date.

kookie: its not a date

kookie: but thank u

kiddos

jimin: so today,

jimin: after he was mad about coco

jimin: tae and i were sitting at the table with jinyoung

jimin: i asked him why he adopted so many kids if he doesn’t like them that much

jimin: and he said ‘jaebum really knows how to use his tongue’

jflawless: i see where this is going

mark: oh boy

tae: and like, i asked if he meant that ur dad talked you into it

jimin: ‘no, i mean sex’

kookie: and boi was that uncomfortable

jimin: both tae and i just got up and walked out

tae: and jinyoung just laughed and continued reading his book.

kookie: how do u even respond to that

sunshine: well once jackson tried to say that he was good with his tongue too

sunshine: and jinyoung  responded with ‘ive kissed more girls than you’

double b: i was like, bitch ur gay how tf have you kissed more girls than fuckboi jackson

gyeommie: and jinyoung said, and i quote

gyeommie: ‘exactly my point you fuckin virgins’

tae: holy shit

jimin: that’s amazing

mark: jackson tried to defend himself, but jinyoung just laughed at him

jflawless: im not a virgin

mark: lying is a sin you know

double b: boom roasted

jflawless: as if u have ever gotten any

double b: im just more advanced emotionally and don’t want to date anyone right now

gyeommie: yeah okay sure, bam

gyeommie: mr ‘isnt jooheon so cute, do you reckon he would like these jeans?’

kookie: oh my god

kookie: is that why you asked about him the other day?

double b left the chat ‘kiddos’

jimin added double b to ‘kiddos’

jimin: bitch u thought.

Chapter Text

gourmet mom messaged regrets.jpeg

gourmet mom: you must be proud of your kids, jinyoung and jaebum, theyre so grateful for everything

gourmet mom: they all gave me hugs when i made them lunch this morning

gourmet mom: and they don’t whinge like my kids, which is a huge plus

gourmet mom: they’re really annoying when they complain

jinyoung: …….

jaebum: …….

gourmet mom: especially yugyeom. he’s such a sweet boy.

gourmet mom: he helped me with the washing yesterday

jinyoung: lol

jinyoung: you havent seen him at his worst

gourmet mom: i cant imagine him being anything but an angel

jinyoung: you say that now but just wait until you walk in on him humping the floor to chris brown.

rap monster: holy shit

gourmet mom: ……..

when monday morning came around, the novelty of having jinyoung around the house had most definitely worn off. for starters, jinyoung had made it very clear that he wasn’t going to make breakfast or lunches for the kids (and namjoon). so at 7am, jimin and yoongi had made their way downstairs and started to get some sort of edible food ready for themselves and their brothers.

the second thing, was that unlike jin, jinyoung seemed very reluctant to step in on any fights or disagreements that happened in the kim house. this particular morning, jungkook sat at the kitchen table, eating his toast and slapping taehyung on the arm repeatedly.

‘kook, can you not. i’m too tired for your bullshit this morning.’ taehyung spoke, but fell silent quickly after. the other kids all stopped what they were doing too, looking up at jinyoung. almost a minute passed before jinyoung looked up from his book, and all five of the children were staring at him still, along with namjoon.

‘why are you all looking at me like that?’ jinyoung asked them, patting his face to ensure he hadnt gotten food on it or something.

‘tae cursed?’ hobi pointed out to jinyoung, who looked back down at his book.

‘and why the fuck is that my problem?’ he asked, rolling his eyes. the kids stay silent, not quite knowing how to respond to jinyoung.

‘jinyoung, jungkook is hitting me again.’ tae complained, shoving jungkook away again.

‘does it look like i give a shit?’

‘no, not really.’ yoongi added, unhelpfully.

‘at least he gets it. i’m going to go sit outside and read. come get me when you need to be driven to school’

kookie messaged kiddos

kookie: so get this

kookie: this morning, dad wore a bandana

tae: it was weird

kookie: anyway, jinyoung was sitting at the kitchen table

kookie: dad walked in, and jinyoung literally looked up and said ‘hello daddy’

suga: it was gross

jflawless: oh my god

double b: why the fuck

mark: are you surprised bam?

mark: like really?

double b: i mean

double b: i suppose not

double b: namjoon can get it ;)

gyeommie: ew bam

kookie: youre fucking disgusting, that’s my dad

double b: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

kookie: i hate you

after school, the park-im family routine was generally pretty chill. on a monday, the kids would usually sit at the table with jinyoung (if he wasn’t working) and discuss their days, and the current gossip, while half-heartedly completing homework and waiting for jaebum to get home from the gym. jinyoung, would often have a glass of wine and listen to the gossip, sometimes interjecting about stories from his work.

the atmosphere was very different with jin in the house. jaebum was the only person who was any good at mediating between the kid’s brashness (mostly bambam, jackson and yugyeom) and jin’s strict rules, so when jaebum wasn’t home, the kids were all slightly uncomfortable in case they said something innapropriate.

‘so, anything fun happen today?’ jin asked, clearly trying to lighten up the mood in the house.

‘i ran into that girl from tinder that jackson went out with in my psych class today. she asked about you, you know?’ mark sighed, shoving jackson. ‘you’re being a fuckboy again.’

‘its not my fault that i’m hot and that girls want me.’ mark rolled his eyes at his younger brother.

‘wait was this the one from the other night when you came home late?’ bambam asked, leaning slighty forward. jackson nodded, looking proud. ‘so did she suck your dick, or nah?’ bambam questioned jackson further. yugyeom and mark burst out laughing.

‘hey!’ jin yelled at them, smacking jackson with a rolled up tea towel.

‘what?’ yugyeom frowned. ‘is dick a swear?’

‘i don’t think so, but it sounds nasty, so i’m counting it.’

‘so, uh, did she…’ bambam stopped for a minute, thinking. ‘did she give you pleasure using her mouth?’

‘that isnt any better, please don’t ever say that again.’ mark stood up from the table. ‘i’m going to do my homework in my room, i cant deal with these monsters.’ mark gestured to bambam, mark and yugyeom.

‘hey, what about youngjae?’

‘he left the room four minutes ago to play with coco.’ mark stated, pointing to the now empty chair.

‘alright, everyone should be getting back to their homework! no more of this talk.’ jin told them as he walked out of the room.

rap monster messaged suga

rap monster: hey kiddo

rap monster: i just dropped your mom’s mug and it broke into like, a million pieces

rap monster: i need you to take the fall for me

suga: wait which mug

rap monster: the one with the aliens on it

suga: no way, mom would kill me

rap monster: do you think he isnt going to kill me?

rap monster: please

suga: nope

suga: ask one of the dumb ones to do it

rap monster messaged kookie

rap monster: i dropped your mom’s mug i need you to own up for it

kookie: he really loved that mug, u know

rap monster:  please

kookie: what will u give me in return?

rap monster: ill put 20 bucks on your steam account

kookie: make it 50

rap monster: 35 and ill bring you one of the doughnuts i brought home from work today.

kookie: deal

double b messaged jinyoung

double b: hey mom so can i get a dog too

jinyoung: no

jinyoung: of course not

double b: why can youngjae have one and not me??

jinyoung: because i don’t like you

double b:  :(

Chapter Text

jin, jaebum and youngjae found themselves at the supermarket on tuesday night. unlike jin, jinyoung hadn’t gone grocery shopping before the swap, and so the park-im household had started to run out of food for everyone.

originally, jin had wanted all of the kids to come with him so they could bond, but the kids very quickly found excuses as to why they couldn’t come. bambam and yugyeom had to film a video, mark had homework, and jackson had some ‘very important fencing meeting.’ youngjae was the only kid who volunteered to come with jin shopping, and then insisted that jaebum come with the two of them. 

the way jin did shopping was clearly very different to how the park-im’s did. both jaebum and youngjae were just choosing things from the shelves and putting them into the cart, without any planning or thinking about what they actually need for meals every night. jin had begun to find this very annoying.

‘don’t you guys plan your meals at all?’ jin looked at the trolley full of random food and sighed.

‘nah, generally jinyoung just buys stuff and then we get creative with meals and what to cook.’ youngjae told jin, putting more stuff into the trolley.

‘alright, we’re probably done here.’ jin stopped  both jaebum and youngjae from putting more things in. ‘lets just go up to the counter and get this stuff. i’m sure we have enough.’ jin, jaebum and youngjae all began walking towards the counter, jaebum pushing the heavy groceries to the check out.

‘oh, shit we forgot jackson’s stuff.’ jaebum quickly runs back into the aisles, before jin can even take the list out of his pocket.

‘he didn’t take the list?’ jin asked youngjae, frowning slightly.

‘yeah, he cares about jackson a lot. he remembers it off by heart.’ youngjae smiles. ‘he and jinyoung care about all of us kids a lot.’

kookie messaged the chat '97z'

kookie: why u all complain about jinyoung so much

kookie: i was terrified

kookie: he's actually great

kookie: he made me lunch today, gave me a hug and let me ride shotgun

gyeommie: are you fucking kidding me

gyeommie: this bitch

gyeommie: jinyoung actively bullies bambam and i

kookie: he said something about how ‘i wasn’t as much of a little bitch as his own kids’

double b: u can suck multiple dicks, jungkook

double b: yugyeom's, for example

gyeommie: i fucking hate u bambam

kookie: wow

kookie: suddenly i cant read

gyeommie left the chat ‘97z’

double b: well that was fun

kookie: it isnt a fucking date stop

kookie: i don’t even like him

double b: why the fuck u lyiiiiiiinng, why u always lllyyyyinnnn

double b: mmmmmmmmmmmmo my g od stop fcuckign ly  in

kookie left the chat ‘97z’

double b added kookie and gyeommie to the chat ‘97z’

double b: have fun kiddos

double b: don’t do anything i wouldn’t do

double b: which isn’t much if im honest

double b left the chat ‘97z’

jinyoung was laying on the couch at the kim house when he first got the call. his phone rang, piercing the silence of the room that he was enjoying so much. jinyoung checked the screen, noticing what looked like a home number, before hesitantly answering it. 

‘good morning, is this jinyoung park-im?’

‘yeah, what do you want?’ 

‘this is the secretary of the assistant principal from north hill high school, your son, ah, kunpimook has been suspended for the day for wearing inappropriate clothing. you need to come get him or organize an alternative transport home for him.’ 

‘what do you mean, "inappropriate clothing"? i’ve seen all of his clothes, what could he possibly be wearing that would break the dress code?’ 

‘mr. park-im, please don’t get mad at me, i’m just supposed to call you. you can come discuss it with the assistant principal if you have a problem.’ 

‘oh, i will. i’ll be there in twenty minutes.’ jinyoung hung up the phone, scowling suddenly at the school. 

although the kids didn’t have problems at school very often, the problems they did have were all huge overreactions on the part of the school. jinyoung was incredibly irritated at the idea of dress codes in general, and it never even crossed his mind that anything bambam owned could be inappropriate enough to break it. 

jinyoung quickly sent a message to jin, informing him what was happening, and that he would bring bambam home in a few hours. 

he then went on, collecting his stuff and getting in the car to quickly drive to the school, fuming the entire time. when jinyoung finally arrived, he made himself stop outside the office building for two seconds to calm down, in case it had been bambam who had done something wrong. 

when he walked in, bambam was sitting on the chair listening to music outside of the assistant principal's office. jinyoung quickly waved at his son before walking up to the front desk.

‘i’m here to talk to the assistant principal about my son, kunpimook?’

‘oh, right this way, mr. park, she has been waiting for you.’ 

‘it’s park-im.’ he corrected, pointedly. jinyoung was directed into the office of the assistant principal and was invited to sit down. bambam followed after, sitting down in the chair next to him, staring dumbly at the assistant principal. 

‘has he changed?' jinyoung asked, frowning as he looked over his son 'i don’t see anything wrong with his outfit?’

‘no, the problem is his jeans. the dress code specifies that clothing can't be needlessly revealing.’ the principal said, putting on her glasses. 

‘they just have a few holes in them though?’

‘big holes, that shows enough skin to be inappropriate.’  jinyoung scoffed, looking at the jeans again. they were no way inappropriate by his standards, and he had personally seen far worse on his other kids every now and then.

‘i'm sorry, excuse me? does your dress code prevent students from wearing shorts, skirts, or anything like that?’ 

‘well, no, of course not,’ the principal stated. ‘that would be against the rules’ 

‘then why is my son getting in trouble for jeans that reveal far less than what a skirt or shorts would?’ 

‘they are inappropriate and are distracting both staff and students.’ 

‘well if the staff is distracted by my son’s skinny ass legs then you should really be more concerned with whom you hire. and two, so what about the other students? he wouldn’t have worn the jeans if he felt uncomfortable in them.’ 

‘i'm sure he’s perfectly comfortable in them.’ the principal looks down her nose at bambam, tutting quietly. jinyoung, noticing this, grows considerably angrier at the lady. 

‘are you implying something? i suggest you be very careful with what you say right now.’ 

‘no, i wouldn’t do such a thing. i'm just saying that many other students that are… less promiscuous, feel uncomfortable with him wearing such indecent clothing?’

‘my son can be a hoe if he wants to, don’t you dare shame him for something that you are making up.’ he snapped, but then quickly recovered his cool, glaring at the assistant principal. ‘now, listen to me. you are going to let him go back to class, without any record of suspension of any kind. he will also not be changing. if the jeans are really a problem, i can call my friend jin kim. you know him, right? president of the pta. he may have something to say about you implying that my son is ‘promiscuous,’ and your teachers being distracted by a 15-year-old student’s legs.’  

jinyoung messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jinyoung: bitch

double b: which one

jinyoung: yugyeom

jinyoung: did you tell the kim kids that i like chris brown?

gyeommie: yeah lol

jflawless: oh my god

jinyoung: you are my least favourite child

jinyoung changed gyeommie’s name to shithead #1

shithead #1 changed his name to gyeommie

jinyoung changed gyeommie’s name to shithead #1

jinyoung: you will never escape this

jinyoung: i will continue to change it till the day i die

jaebum: bitch did u really think u could get away with this?

shithead #1: yeah basically

jinyoung: lol

mark: love u mom

jinyoung: love you sweetie

jinyoung: you too youngjae

jinyoung: all of the rest of u can go away

jaebum: even me? :(

jinyoung: yes

jaebum: :( :( :( :(

jinyoung messaged double b

jinyoung: yugyeom has been a brat lately, spill the tea

jinyoung: i know he's hiding something

double b: hell no, hes not just my best friend, its like were brothers

jinyoung: you are brothers, you absolute fucking walnut

double b: have u seen him lately?

double b: hes like, ripped

double b: he might actually kill me

double b: plus i cant betray him like that

jinyoung: i’ll give you fifty bucks

double b: and?????
jinyoung: and the password to the porn channel on ur dad’s tv in the basement

double b: his tumblr is chrisbrownfucker69

jinyoung: nice doing business with you

double b: likewise

jinyoung messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jinyoung: yugy

jinyoung: i heard something interesting today

shithead #1: oh no

jinyoung: chrisbrownfucker69

jinyoung: really?

shithead #1: bambam i'm going to fuckign murder u

shithead #1: i thought we were bros

jflawless: wait what is chrisbrownfucker69?

double b: yugyeom’s tumblr

jflawless: oh my god

mark: this is fucking gold

mark: have you scrolled through all of this bc

mark: i cant

jinyoung: i literally scrolled to the end

jinyoung: its been enlightening

jinyoung: why did it have to be chris brown tho

jinyoung: jaebum and i raised you better

jinyoung: could you not have stanned like, fuckin justin timberlake or something?
jinyoung: but anyway  back to the roast

jinyoung changed shithead #1’s name to ‘chrisbrownfucker69’

jaebum: oh my god

double b: deceased

jflawless: rip yugyeom

mark: gone too soon

jflawless: he will always be remembered for that one time mum filmed him grinding on the floor to chris brown

double b:  and his epic crush on the bunny looking fucker known as jungkook

youngjae: im dying laughing

youngjae: i love you guys so much

jinyoung: aww baby i love you too

jinyoung: i should prob go, the kim’s are being annoying af right now

jinyoung: except for jungkook, he’s so much better than you shitheads

chrisbrownfucker69: fuck my life

double b: :’(

Chapter Text

jaebum messaged jinyoung

jaebum: hey

jaebum: what the fuck is the basket on the kitchen bench

jaebum: ‘momma misses his favourite boys mark and youngjae’

jaebum: ???????

jaebum: why am i not your favourite boy

jaebum: we will have been together for 20 years in like, a week and a half

jaebum: i miss u

jinyoung: seen 10:43

jaebum: did u just write seen 10:43

jinyoung: yep

jaebum: youre a bitch

jaebum: did u know that

jinyoung: yeah, obviously.

on the way to school, jinyoung was busy berating the kids for gossip. it had become fairly normal for jinyoung to sit with his own kids after school, drinking wine and gossiping about the kids at school, who slept with who, relationship drama, etc. it had become fairly obvious to jinyoung during the drive to school that the kim kids did not do this with jin, and seemed somewhat uncomfortable doing so.

both taehyung and jungkook were more that willing to talk about who was dating who, and stuff about the teachers, but topics like sex, upcoming parties, and such were steered clear from. jinyoung began to suspect that the older two were more involved in some of that sort of gossip, and so didn’t want to discuss it with jinyoung.

‘are you going to that party on saturday night? jackson wouldn’t stop talking about it before i left.’

‘oh, um, yeah, if that’s okay?’ jimin asked, somewhat timidly.

‘did you need me to buy you drinks too?’ the kids looked between each other, mouths open. jinyoung looked at them through the front mirror.

‘uh, yeah, if you can, that would be great!’ jungkook elbowed his brothers sitting either side of him to stop them from continuing to gawk at jinyoung.

‘not you, kookie. im sorry, you’re just a bit too young, kiddo.’ jungkook rolled his eyes.

‘so wait your kids tell you about parties and stuff?’ hoseok asked

‘yeah, of course. how are we supposed to trust each other if we don’t share, you know? like i know for certain that my kids will come tell me if theyre having a problem, or if they need help because we trust each other.’

‘i wish jin was that cool.’ jimin mumbled.

chrisbrownfucker69 messaged double b

chrisbrownfucker69: jin has only been here 3 days and he already chose youngjae as a favourite

chrisbrownfucker69: they went to that baking class together today

double b: i mean, can you blame him

double b: youngjae is great

chrisbrownfucker69: yea u right

double b: no offence, hes my favourite brother

chrisbrownfucker69: its okay he’s my favourite brother too

double b: …..

double b: what the fuck bro

chrisbrownfucker69: what

double b: how dare you say that i’m not your favourite brother

double b: i’m hurt

chrisbrownfucker69: dude you literally just said im not your favourite brother either

double b: i cant deal with you right now

when jin gets home from the baking class with youngjae, the mood in the house feels different than usual. yugyeom is sitting at the kitchen table, playing on his phone and frowning. jackson and mark are playing video games, but almost silently, and jaebum is in the kitchen preparing dinner.

jin walks into the kitchen and puts his bag down, sitting at the bench.

‘alright, what happened?’ jin asks jaebum, eating a slice of carrot that jaebum had just cut up.

‘i’m not 100% sure. i think yugbam got into a fight, yugyeom has been sitting down here since i got home.’

 ‘ohhhhhhh, okay. i’ll be back.’ jin gets up from the kitchen bench and climbs up the stairs to yugyeom and bambam’s bedroom. he stops at their door and knocks loudly. ‘hey, bambam, i would like you to come downstairs, please.’

‘i don’t really feel like it.’ bambam answers quietly through the door.

‘i’ll buy you a pizza. you cant tell anyone else about it though.’ there is silence for a second, before the door opens slowly. ‘you okay?’

‘me and yugyeom had a fight.’

‘what over?’

‘its nothing, lets just go downstairs.’

even after jin managed to convince bambam to come downstairs, bambam and yugyeom refused to talk to each other. all throughout dinner, the two youngest refused to speak to each other, even look at each other.

the lack of  usual bickering and chatter from the two youngest kids was making everyone uncomfortable. none of the park-im family could remember a time when yugbam hadn’t spoken for more than 15 minutes (while they were awake, anyway).

‘alright, that’s it, anyone who isnt yugbam can go up to their rooms.’ the kids and jaebum all go in various directions, leaving jin and the two youngest kids sitting at the table. ‘what’s wrong?’

‘nothing.’ both yugyeom and bambam told jin in unison.

‘hey bambam do you remember what i promised earlier? not going to happen if you don’t start talking.’

‘yugyeom said that youngjae was his favourite.’

‘you said that youngjae was your favourite brother too?’

‘you shouldn’t have favourites. you should love everyone equally.’

‘huh, says you. youngjae is your favourite. youngjae is jinyoung and jaebum’s favourite too. how is that fair?’  yugyeom frowns and looks over at jaebum in the kitchen, who is washing dishes and clearly trying to listen in to the conversation. jaebum shrinks slightly and continues washing the dishes.

‘i don’t have a favourite! why would you think that?’ jin looks over at jaebum and rolls his eyes.

‘because mum and dad have favourites, why wouldn’t you?’

‘i spent time with youngjae today because we both like to bake. i don’t know what we have in common, i don’t want to bore you with my things if you arent going to be interested in them. is there something that you both want to do together?’

‘can you dance?’

‘no, not really.’ yugyeom frowns again. ‘but i can try?’ jin continues, after seeing yugyeom’s face fall.

‘get ready for chris brown.’ bambam mutters under his breath as yugyeom plugs his phone into the speaker in the lounge. as bambam said, take you down started playing, and yugyeom walked back over to jin. just then, the rest of the kids came back downstairs, wondering what was going on.

‘why is yugyeom’s hoe song playing?’ jackson asks as he walks down the stairs.

‘because he’s trying to teach jin to dance.’ jaebum yells from the kitchen.

‘and i’m going to teach him to dab!’ bambam tells his brothers excitedly.

‘why is jin allowed to dab, but i cant?’ jaebum asks as he walks into the lounge.

‘he cooks us amazing food, and packs us lunch every day.’ jackson tells their dad.

‘okay fair enough. if i do your washing for a week, can i dab?’

‘sure, okay.’ bambam answers.  jaebum dabs, and then looks down at the ground. ‘that wasn’t as satisfying as i thought it would be.’

jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jflawless: hey what the fuck

jflawless: namjoon takes the kim kids to a rap club

jflawless: every week

double b: that’s so fucking cool

mark: yeah, ive been a couple times its cool

jflawless: im so jealous why cant we go

jinyoung: i never said you couldn’t?

double b: are you saying we have been missing out the entire time

jflawless: dad can you come with us next week?

jinyoung: why not me???

jflawless: because youre probably even worse at rapping than dad is

jaebum: youre not wrong.

jinyoung messaged jaebum

jinyoung: so because namjoon was going out with two of the kids tonight, and the others go to bed pretty early

jinyoung: i had time to snoop

jinyoung: this is ridiculous

jinyoung: i wasn’t expecting to find a fifty shades of grey room or anything

jinyoung: but they have nothing!

jaebum: are you really talking about this again??
jaebum: jesus jinyoung

jaebum: maybe they don’t need handcuffs, not everyone is afraid of ruining their ties you know

jinyoung: fuck you, my ties are expensive

jinyoung: just because you dress like a barbecue uncle doesn’t mean i cant look good

jaebum: you’d look good with a tie around your wrists too

jinyoung: stop distracting me

jaebum: stop snooping around their room

jinyoung: maybe theyre just vanilla

jinyoung: they arent!!!

jinyoung: this whole thing will have been in vain if i can’t prove it

jaebum: youre supposed to like, learn how to be a better parent or something

jinyoung: oh shut up

Chapter Text

the breakfast table at the kim house was pretty busy on thursday mornings, because of dance practice, but especially this morning because of the recital tomorrow and jungkook’s date.

‘hey, i forgot to ask earlier, can i have a few of my friends over tonight to choreograph a new routine?’

‘wait which friends?’ jinyoung asked, putting down his food.

‘oh, just the cheerleading team.’

‘wait youre on the cheerleading team? how come you didn’t tell me?’

‘i did tell you, days ago. you said ‘that’s great, sweetie.’

‘oh shit my bad. that’s my code for ‘i’m not paying attention’’

‘swear jar!’  jimin exclaims, grinning at jinyoung.

‘will you fu- freaking stop, jesus.’ jinyoung sighs,  pulling out a pen and paper, to write another iou note to put in the jar.

‘anyway, yes of course, hobi. you need anything??’ jinyoung stops for a minute. ‘lube? condoms?’ everyone at the table stops eating, some even spit out their drinks and food. ‘i mean, theyre girls on the cheerleading team. high school may have changed a lot since i was there, but it hasn’t changed that much. unless you’re gay, in which case, that’s chill. i like dick too.’ namjoon and the kids look horrified that jinyoung is saying all of this.

‘nope, definitely not gay, i like girls.’ even yoongi looks slightly afraid of what jinyoung will say next.

‘what do you even do at slumber parties these days?’ namjoon asks, finally able to speak again.

‘the usual. pillow fights, spin the bottle, voodoo.’ hobi answers casually, taking another bite of his toast

‘and youre the only boy on the team?’ jinyoung asks.

‘uh, yeah?’

‘atta boy.’ jinyoung leans over the table to hi-five hobi.

‘how do we join the team?’ jimin and taehyung say together.

jaebum messaged jinyoung

jaebum: sometimes i wonder why we adopted so many kids

jaebum: 5 kids is 4 kids too many

jinyoung: shut up, you forgot youngjae

jaebum:  sorry, 3 kids too many

jinyoung: what did they do?

jaebum: bambam and jackson have spent the past 3 hours getting yugyeom ready for his date

jaebum: he just came downstairs

jaebum: he looks like a mix of bambam and jackson

jinyoung: so a like a hoe?

jaebum: exactly.

an hour and a half before jungkook was supposed to be meeting yugyeom for his date, he was stressing the fuck out. jimin and taehyung were both annoying him, teasing him for his not date with yugyeom. instead of bothering to deal with jimin and taehyung trying to dress him, he made his way to his other brothers’ room to get ready there. he’d grabbed almost all of his clothes out of his part of the wardrobe and dragged the entire pile, including shoes, to yoongi and hobi’s room.

‘hey, can i get ready in here, jimin and taehyung are being really annoying?’ yoongi frowns, but lets his youngest brother into the room.

‘you arent going to ask me to help, are you?’

‘not very much.’

 ‘hey, hows this, yoongi?’ jungkook modelled the outfit he had put on. yoongi nods, looking him up and down. after yoongi telling him it looks good, jungkook looks in the mirror for two more seconds before deciding he doesn’t like it again. ‘it’s too plain. he’s going to think i don’t like him because i’m dressed like i always am.’

he then puts on a different outfit, turning in the mirror to check it. ‘it looks good, jungkook.’ yoongi tells him from his bed.

‘no, its too… 2007. next one!’

after the 12^th time jungkook had changed, yoongi was starting to get really annoyed at his youngest brother.

‘what about this one, yoongi?’ he asked, rubbing his hands on the new jeans he had taken from hobi’s drawer.

‘i literally cant tell the difference between this time and the last time you changed.’

‘excuse you, theres no need for you to be rude. i obviously rolled up the sleeves of my shirt and changed belts.’

‘you look fine, kookie, now shut up i swear to god. i wont drive you to your date if you don’t be quiet.’ just as yoongi finishes speaking, taehyung walks in and looks at jungkook.

‘really that belt with those shoes?’ taehyung looked up and down at his brother, sighing at his clear lack of fashion ability.

‘see, yoongi, i told you.’ jungkook rolls his eyes at his oldest brother, who simply closes his eyes and bangs his head against the wall.

suga messaged rap monster

suga: please don’t ever make me drive jungkook to a date again

suga: it was so awkward

suga: yugyeom didn’t even look me in the eye

suga: he was terrified

suga: he called me sir

rap monster: at least he’s nice?

suga: he’s nasty, just you wait.

jinyoung messaged jjp +  markjae and the shitheads

jinyoung: so yugy how was the date?

jinyoung: i asked jungkook but he didn’t want to tell me anything

chrisbrownfucker69: well we both won a round of bowling

chrisbrownfucker69: and then we played the arcade games and he won me a heap of tickets.

jflawless: was he a good kisser?

chrisbrownfucker69: jackson

chrisbrownfucker69: its only our first date

sunshine: so do you like him??

chrisbrownfucker69: maybe…

double b: oh shut up, earlier today you literally told me that you have ‘never felt this way before’

chrisbrownfucker69: hey bambam u might want to shut the fuck up

chrisbrownfucker69: if u know whats good for you

jinyoung: don’t bother him, if yugyeom doesn’t want to tell us how much of a ‘gentleman he was,’ and how he looked ‘really hot, um, i mean nice’ on his date then that’s his thing.

chrisbrownfucker69: wait is that what jungkook said

jaebum: oh my god it was such a fucking date

chrisbrownfucker69: okay but did he say anything else?

jinyoung: well you said you didn’t want to talk about it so…….

chrisbrownfucker69: no im sorry i want to talk about it now

mark: bro don’t be so embarrassing

mark: its just your first date, chill out

chrisbrownfucker69: please mom, what did he say

jinyoung: i cant seem to remember anything else

chrisbrownfucker69: ur such a snake

jinyoung: thank you.

double b: hiss hiss motherfucker

kookie messaged kiddos

kookie: how is everyone’s night besides anything to do with yugyeom and i?

double b: :(

kookie: ours would be better but hobi has 11 girls in his room and theyre giggling and i want to die

jflawless: why are there 11 girls in his room

jflawless: are they hot?

hobi: yeah of course

hobi: and theyre here bc were choreographing a new routine for nationals

jimin: hobi is on the cheerleading team

jflawless: omg can i join???

jflawless: i can do some sick flips and shit.

hobi: hold on ill ask

hobi: we voted no

jflawless: why? im super fit

jflawless: i could dead lift like every person on the team

hobi: yeah but you’ve slept with like. half of them and theyre salty bc you didn’t call them back

mark: youre a fucking idiot, jackson

tae: omg that’s so funny

sunshine messaged jinyoung

sunshine: [a picture of coco asleep on jaebum’s lap, who is also asleep]

jinyoung: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

jinyoung: okay we can keep her.

jinyoung: but only because she likes him as much as we do

jinyoung: miss you baby

jinyoung: im so excited to see you all tomorrow.

sunshine: us too momma <3 <3

sunshine: it hasn’t been the same at home without you

Chapter Text

bambam messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

double b:  hey i just realised

double b: why do u go by jjp? like what does that even stand for?

mark: hey that’s something even i don’t know

jinyoung: that’s a story for another time

jaebum: like, really.

jflawless: does anyone wanna snoop later to find out why

jinyoung: u better fucking not

jinyoung: i will kill you

jinyoung: also theres a large amount of sex stuff in that cupboard i wouldn’t go in there

jflawless: alright lets not kiddos.

jaebum: smart move

after school on friday, the park-im family were all sat around the kitchen table, chatting when jin got home from work.

‘hey kids, what’s up?’

‘oh, jackson was telling us about how he hooked up with this girl behind the bleachers today.’ bambam shrugs, high fiving his brother. jin dropped his bag on the ground, sitting next to jaebum. jin was absolutely horrified, still shocked by how filthy some of the kids could be, even after a week of living with them.

‘you allow your kids to do this?’ jin whispers to jaebum, mouth still wide open in shock.

‘half the shit they say is made up anyway, don’t even worry about it.’

‘how can you tell when they’re telling the truth then?’

‘like this,’ jaebum whispered to him. ‘hey, bambam, i heard an interesting rumor today?

 ‘only one? i started at least 12.’

‘a little birdie tels me jooheon walked u to ur history class today?’ bambam chokes on his drink, turning bright red, and turns to look at yugyeom scandolously.

‘why would you tell dad, he’s such a gossip.’

‘well actually, i told mom, but that’s beside the point. sorry bro.’

‘i’m still not sure i approve.’ jin frowns.

‘are you not used to it, with hobi? from what i hear, he’s quite popular with the girls.’ jackson tells jin, continuing play with his phone. jin looks between jackson and the rest of the kids and jaebum, who all seem to be nodding in agreement with jackson.

‘you’re kidding, right? my hobi would never.’

‘we are on a chat with him where yesterday he admitted to playing spin the bottle with the cheer squad at their meetings.’ yugyeom told jin, showing him the chat.

‘he literally snapchatted me a photo of a girl’s butt in those tiny cheer shorts with a thumbs up.’  jackson added, putting down his phone.

‘he what. oh my god. i’m sorry, excuse me for a minute.’ jin pulls his phone out of his pocket and calls his husband, in front of everyone.

‘hey, babe, what’s up? i’m seeing you later, aren’t i?’

‘did you know that hoseok is sleeping with the girls on the cheer team?’

‘who told you?’ theres silence for a minute ‘wait, no i didn’t.’

‘who told me? you knew about this?’

‘hobi may have come to discuss this with me, like once or twice.’

‘and you didn’t think i should know?’

‘hobi asked me not to tell you!’

‘why? they can trust me?’

‘babe, i think youre a bit too worried about this. it’s pretty normal for teenage boys to do this sorta thing. he’s being really responsible by talking to me about it. and i got him condoms so there’s no way that he could be getting anyone pregnant or anything, that’s good!’ jin pulls the phone away from his ear, looking at it for a second, and then hanging up on his husband

‘at least he’s using protection?’ bambam offers jin an apologetic smile. jin turns away from bambam, sighing. mark slaps his younger brother’s arm for being so rude.

jflawless messaged kiddos

jflawless: yo hobi we accidentally just spilled to jin about the cheer squad

jflawless: sorry homie

kookie: rip

hobi: i suppose that he would find out eventually

suga: you realise that the dance recital is tonight

hobi: shit u right

hobi: i’m going to be murdered by my own mother

hobi: at least i wont die a virgin

hobi: like some of you

double b: oh my god

chrisbrownfucker69: i cannot believe

kookie: rude

hobi: well i’m not wrong

kookie: :(

getting the kids and namjoon into the car for this dance recital had been a struggle. none  of the kids had been ready to go, and namjoon had only just gotten home from work. jinyoung knew how difficult wrangling five kids can be, but today it seemed a million times worse.

in the car, the kids were busy doing their own thing (unlike his own kids), and so jinyoung sat in almost silence, thinking about his own shitheads and jaebum, who he wouldn’t admit that he missed a lot.

 ‘oh hey, there’s yugyeom!’ jungkook almost yells,breaking the silence in the car. jinyoung turns to look where jungkook was pointing to, to see jaebum and his kids, standing next to jinyoung. ‘and everyone else…’ he continues, considerably less excited than earlier.

‘you’re the worst, do you know that? that’s my son, stop looking at him.’ everyone gets out of the car, and start walking towards the park-im’s.

‘hey babe, i’ve missed you so much!’ namjoon goes to kiss jin, but jin pulls away and ignores him.

‘uh oh. that’s probably my fault.’ jaebum whispers in jinyoung’s ear as he hugs him.

‘we should probably go in and get changed…’ bambam gestures to the side door of the auditorium.

‘shit, you’re right.’ jungkook looked down at his watch.

‘jungkook!’ jin yelled at his son, noticing that jinyoung’s swearing at definitely rubbed off on the kids. he looked over to namjoon briefly, to give him the evil eye about the kid’s swearing.

‘sorry mom, love you, see you after.’ jungkook kisses jin’s cheek as he follows bambam and yugyeom into the auditorium.

as they start walking, jinyoung notices that jin is holding a bouquet for jungkook.

‘shit, we didn’t get the losers anything,’ jinyoung frowns, finally noticing that jin had brought jungkook a bouquet of flowers. he quickly looked between his kids and jaebum. ‘everyone check your pockets.’

‘i have a 50% off voucher for this pizza place?’ jaebum took the coupon out of his back pocket.

‘perfect, let’s give them that.’

‘i kinda wanted to use it myself…’ jaebum sighed, mourning the pizza he was going to get tomorrow.

‘i swear to god, jaebum. i havent missed this.’ jinyoung begins walking inside to his seat, the rest of the kids and jaebum following soon after.

bambam, yugyeom and kookie make their way out of the side door back to where their families were waiting. as they walked passed another family, the three of them heard someone’s parent clearly talking about bambam, incredibly rudely.

bambam, yugyeom and jungkook all frowned, not quite believing that someone would be so rude in public. yugyeom placed on arm over his brother’s shoulder almost instantly, trying to comfort him. when they finally reached the others, bambam looked about ready to cry. jungkook and yugyeom both looked like they could kill the dude with their bare hands.

‘hey what’s wrong? you guys did amazing!’ jackson grinned, patting bambam on the shoulder.

‘that dude clearly didn’t think so.’ yugyeom muttered under his breath.

‘wait which guy? what did he say?’ jin asked, looking very concerned.

‘he called bambam some shitty names and said that he should ‘stick to sucking dick’ or something.’ jungkook told them.

‘i don’t fucking think so. hold this.’ jinyoung shoved his bag at jaebum and started to walk over there.

‘do you think its okay to bully 15 year olds? about their sexuality? you think that’s fucking cool? how about this?’ jinyoung yells at the man, before punching him square in the jaw. everyone in the courtyard collectively gasped, some of them even clapping.

‘nobody talks shit about my children but me, because i raised them and i will roast them as i damn well please. do you understand me, or do you want to be hit again?’ the man nodded meekly, dragging his wife away from jinyoung. jinyoung then proceeded to walk back to the two families and took his bag back from jaebum.

‘thank you so much mom, i love you so much!’ bambam yells, as he attaches himself to jinyoung’s side. jinyoung lets him hold on for a second, patting his hair.

‘alright that’s enough, you’re sweating.’ bambam doesn’t let go. ‘no seriously get the fuck away from me.’ bambam lets go, and goes to stand back besides yugyeom ( and by extension, jungkook).

‘that was fucking badass.’ jimin almost yelled.  jin opened his mouth to scold his son for swearing, but stopped, not wanting to ruin the moment.

‘okay, okay, lets get back to you guy’s amazing performance! it was so good!’ jin told all three of them, and handing jungkook the bouquet.

‘it was so good! jimin and i have some competition!’ hobi grinned, playfully shoving his youngest brother. mark ruffled bambam’s hair, pulling him into a side hug. jackson joined in almost instantly, pulling youngjae, jaebum and jinyoung into the hug. yugyeom was still quietly talking to jungkook, grinning.

‘hey, you did amazing today, bro.’ jungkook smiled shyly at yugyeom.

‘thanks bro, you were incredible too.’

‘here, have this.’ jungkook pulled one of the flowers out of his bouquet and gave it to yugyeom, who blushed and looked down at the ground.

‘you wanna have pizza with us? i could probably convince the fam to let you all come over?’

‘bro, you know me so well.’ they finally turned back to the others, who were all staring at them.

‘i think i’m going to be sick.’ jackson says quietly.

‘hey mom, can we have the kim’s over to have pizza?’

‘fine.’ jinyoung groaned. ‘but you’re responsible for cleaning the house tomorrow, not jin.’

‘sure, whatever!’ yugyeom high fived jungkook, and then bambam.

rap monster messaged gourmet mom

rap monster: hey

rap monster: please talk to me

rap monster: im sorry i didn’t tell you about hobi

gourmet mom: if you were sorry you wouldn’t have lied to me.

rap monster: i didn’t really lie…

gourmet mom: yes you did.

rap monster: anyway i’m sorry

rap monster: i’ll tell you straight away next time

rap monster: babe

rap monster: are u still there?

rap monster: i love you, i’m so sorry

rap monster: if you don’t message me back, i’ll send you awful pick up lines until you respond

rap monster: nope?

rap monster: is your name google, because you have everything i'm searching for

rap monster:  if i had to rate you from 1-10, i would rate you nine because i'm the one you need

rap monster: i'm not a photographer, but i can picture us together.

rap monster: are you a magician? because abraca-dayum!

rap monster: i wish i was your derivative so i could lie tangent to your curves

gourmet mom: i don’t even get that one

rap monster: ha

rap monster: i had to help kookie with his math homework today when i thought of that

gourmet mom: i miss our babies

gourmet mom: even the slutty one

rap monster: which one is the slutty one again?

gourmet mom: :/

rap monster: just kidding babe

rap monster: all of the others are too chicken to pull anything like that

rap monster: kookie and yugyeom might surprise us tho

gourmet mom: nahhhhh

gourmet mom: yugyeom is such a girl

gourmet mom: no way does that  become an actual thing in the next month. possibly even more.

rap monster: i’ll bet you 20 bucks that they get together in the next week

gourmet mom: you’re on.

Chapter Text

‘hey jin, do u know where my jacket is?’ jackson shouted from upstairs, looking for an outfit for the party that evening.

‘oh its in the cupboard in the lounge.’ jin yelled back from the lounge, putting down his book.

-an hour later-

‘jin, ive lost my school bag, do you know where it is?’ jackson looked around the house about four times, opening every cupboard and door, checking behind and under things. ‘i left my wallet in there, but now i can’t find it.’

‘your wallet isnt in your school bag, its in the fruit bowl in the kitchen. as for your bag, you left it in the laundry, because you were going to wash it, remember?’ jin patted jackson on the head. jackson looked at him in wonder, beginning to think of an idea.

he quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket and texted all of his brothers to meet in his and youngjae’s room.

‘okay, you’re all here. i have come to believe that jin is either magic or has a crazy superpower;’ jackson paused, ‘finding things that i have lost. i would like to test this theory. please, could all of you hide an object, and ask jin where it is. don’t be suspicious, and don’t really hide it because that defeats the purpose.

twenty minutes later, five objects sat on the kitchen table, with all five boys, jin, and jaebum all standing around staring at them.

‘what the fuck.’ jackson questions.

‘language, jackson, how many times do i need to tell you?’

‘is there anything that you could never find?’ youngjae asks, smiling at jin.

‘taehyung lost a sock once. it haunts me.’ mark silently leaves the table, goes up to his room and comes back, holding a sock.

‘is it this one?’ he asks, placing it on the table.

‘holy shit.’ jin exclaims, picking it up to find the ‘kim taehyung’ label on the inside.

‘why the fuck did you keep it for this long if it had his name on it?’ jaebum asks, frowning.

‘well there could be more than one kim taehyung. the reason i had it is because a girl left it here like 2 months ago. i was gonna chuck it out, but i didnt for some reason.’ mark shrugs.

‘then how does this girl have tae’s sock?’ jackson asked.

‘i’ll ask.’ mark pulls out his phone and starts texting. a minute later, the phone beeps and mark looks at it again. ‘she said that she borrowed the sock from her sister.’

‘who the fuck is this sister and why does she have tae’s sock?’ the phone beeps again.

‘she just asked her sister, and her sister got it from a work christmas party. like as a stupid gift or something.’

‘would it be weird if we asked for the coworkers number, because i want to solve this mystery. it literally keeps me awake at night.’

‘nah lets ask.’

‘hey, this is super weird but im trying to solve a mystery about a sock. the workplace party where you got given the sock, that you gave to your sister, was it from anyone called taehyung?’ mark asks the girl over the phone.

‘no, no taehyung. i got it from this dude jae-hyuk something. do you want his number?’

‘yes please, that would be incredible, thank you so much.’ mark hangs up phone. another text comes through, this time with the number of jae-hyuk.

‘hey, let me call this one.’ jin takes the phone from mark and calls the number.

 ‘hello, my name is seokjin. this is a really weird question, but last christmas you gave an odd sock to one of your coworkers. we’re trying to work out where it came from, can you tell me where you got it?’

‘oh, i found it in my gym stuff. i washed it and thought it would be funny. does that answer your question?’

‘okay, which gym sorry?’

‘oh, the one on the third level of the mall near that big park.’

‘thank you, we appreciate your time.’ jin hangs up the phone and hands it back to mark. ‘who do we know who goes to the gym that’s in the mall down by the park.’

‘that’s where dad and i go!’  jackson yells excitedly.

‘did you ever borrow any socks from taehyung?’ yugyeom asked jackson.

‘yeah, i always forgot. we had the same gym class last semester and he always brought an extra pair.’

‘wait wait, hold up. are you telling me that you knew that you borrowed the sock, and didnt say anything?’ jaebum asked, looking up at jackson and sighing.

‘honestly i forgot until just then.’ the entire table groans at jackson.

‘you’re the worst, jackson.’ bambam tells him, getting up from the table.

‘at least i found the sock!!’ jin grins, pulling jackson into a hug and ruffling his hair. ‘i appreciate you even when you’re being an idiot.’

kookie messaged kiddos

kookie: how does jinyoung feel about bucket hats

chrisbrownfucker69: um, why?

jimin: dad is wearing one and we cant tell whether he likes it or not

double b: please explain

tae: well dad walked in and jinyoung said ‘not you too’

jimin: and then he told dad that it was too painful to look at him

jimin: and then continued to look at him

double b: i mean, jb wears them all the time.

jflawless: we dont really know whether he likes them or not

tae: jesus okay

tae: thank u

jinyoung messaged rap monster

jinyoung: why are u trying to hurt me

rap monster: what

jinyoung: namjoon please can you stop wearing the hat

rap monster: why

rap monster: whats the matter with it?

jinyoung: please, you’re killing me

jinyoung: i have a husband to get back to

rap monster: what’s that supposed to mean

jinyoung: p l e a s e

gourmet mom messaged jinyoung

gourmet mom: look idk what youre doing but i don’t like it

jinyoung: what the fuck

gourmet mom: i just have a feeling youre thirsting over my husband

gourmet mom: so tone it down

jinyoung: how do u even

jinyoung: don’t kinkshame me

jinyoung: u posted  picture of jaebum shirtless on ur facebook page

gourmet mom: …….

gourmet mom: i suppose i see your point.

jimin messaged tae:

jimin: yo who was that, ive never seen them before

tae: oh that’s the other taehyung

tae: he used to go to school with jisoo until she moved

jimin: yeah but how do you know him?

tae: i met him at yerin’s baby shower

jimin: who the fuck is yerin?

jimin: i swear to god

after taking the kids to the party, jinyoung found himself laying on the couch and looking at photo albums of the kim kids. although he really didnt want to admit it, he missed his kids and jaebum more than even he had expected. seeing them the night before only made the homesickness worse.

jinyoung laid there for almost an hour, until namjoon came out of the little studio/music room down the hall and sat on the couch opposite him.

‘you missing jaebum and the kids?’ namjoon gestured to the photo album in his lap. jinyoung hesitantly nodded, putting the album down on the coffee table and sitting up.

‘yeah, surprisingly. this is one of the longest times i’ve gone without being home. i never liked business trips, especially since jaebum and i have been together so long, i’m used to him just, being there when i’m sad.’

‘this is the longest jin and i have ever been apart, in the 15 years we’ve been married. i know how you feel.’ namjoon sighed. ‘no offence, but you’re like the exact opposite of jin. i just really miss his presence in the house.’

‘you’re pretty similar to jaebum sometimes. the fucking bucket hats for example. and the music thing.’ there’s silence for a short moment, while jinyoung thinks. ‘wait, so how did you meet jin?’

‘um, why?’ namjoon asks.

‘well, you guys are very different. you didnt go to the same high school or university, you have completely separate interests. he’s a food critic, and you’re a dj and producer. like how do you end up meeting someone outside of that?’

‘oh, jin saw me rapping in a club that his friends dragged him too. he literally wouldnt stop hitting on me until i agreed to go on a date with him.’ namjoon smiled, remembering their first meeting.  ‘he doesnt seem the type, huh? i think he was really looking to settle down with someone. but anyway, we got married two years later, when i was 25. we adopted yoongi five years later, and the rest of the kids came after.’

‘what about you, jinyoung? how did you meet jaebum?’

‘oh, we’d known each other since we were about 14 through um, extra curricular activities,’ jinyoung pauses. ‘we got together when we were 18. we adopted mark about a year later, and then yugyeom and bambam last in 2004.’

‘you adopted mark a year after you got together?’

‘well, we’d basically been together since we were 14. jaebum just suddenly wanted kids, and he convinced me, i guess.’ jinyoung shrugged.

‘what about your wedding?’

‘oh, jaebum and i arent married. we never got the opportunity, i suppose. the kids take up a lot more of my time than i originaly thought they would.’

‘wait so how long have you been together then? did you never think about getting properly married?’

‘it’ll be twenty years in a week. and yeah, we’ve always talked about it. at first, we couldnt really afford a big wedding. because we got mark and the other kids so early, we couldnt really afford to have a wedding. jaebum was barely making any money composing, and i was only getting a starting salary at the company.’

‘and you haven’t thought about it since?’

‘no, we have. it’s just that everything is so busy, we don’t have the time to organise a wedding.’

‘hmmmm’

tae messaged kiddos

tae: i dont understand how jinyoung is as bad as u said

tae: i know we’ve talked about this like three times

tae: but he’s fuckin awesome omg

jimin: he literally high fived me as i got into the car bc i had a hickey

jimin: he told me he was proud of me

jflawless: i remember when i got my first hickey

jflawless: he took photos

hobi: he didnt even get mad when we had to stop the car so i wouldnt be sick

sunshine: jinyoung is so nice to all of us

sunshine: none of you ever notice

double b: yeah, we know

chrisbrownfucker69: its fun to be mean to him sometimes tho

Chapter Text

jimin messaged kim + jinyoung

jimin: can we go to the park today?

tae: like have a picnic or something

hobi: !!!!!!!!!!!!

jinyoung: um, why?

jimin: because jin takes us on picnics sometimes and i miss him

jinyoung: what are you, five?

kookie: jinyoung please

jinyoung: okay fine.

hobi:  i’m gonna walk there, anyone wanna come with?

jinyoung: i’ll walk with you, i need the exercise

jimin: i’ll walk too

rap monster: so i’m driving yoongi, taehyung, kookie and myself?

suga: yep

jinyoung messaged kim + jinyoung

jinyoung: okay we just got here, where are you guys.

jinyoung: i’ve found a really nice spot under this tree

hobi: okay but consider this

hobi: we got here first

suga: hobi that’s not how you do it.

suga: where we’re sitting, we can see these people doing stunts with swords and fire and stuff

suga: someone might get hurt

jinyoung: #sold

jinyoung: this kid gets it.

‘hey look at the dudes with the swords. what idiots, volunteering to have knives thrown at them.’ jinyoung watches from the other side of the park.

‘isn’t that our idiots?’ yoongi asks, looking up at the performance on the other side of the park.

‘holy shit, that’s our idiots.’  jinyoung nudges namjoon. ‘go get your monsters, i can’t be bothered getting up.’ jinyoung tells namjoon. namjoon sighs, getting up and walking across the park to where taehyung and hoseok were standing there listening to the guys talk. as namjoon walks over, he notices hoseok answer a phone call.

‘okay fine, we wont, are you happy?’ hoseok hangs up the phone and frowns. he turns to the performers, and apologises.

‘i’m sorry, my dude. next week?’ tae says, bro-hugging the dude.

‘for sure, tae!’ hoseok and taehyung walk back to where namjoon is standing.

‘why cant we do it?’ tae asked, frowning slightly.

‘mom just called and told me that he had a feeling that we were going to do something stupid and told us not to do it. he called my by my full name too.’ hobi sighed. ‘we never get to do anything fun without mom telling us not to.’

‘how the fuck does he know?’  taehyung questioned.

‘we’ve been together for 15 years and i still don’t know how he knows all the time.’ namjoon tells them, dragging them both back to the picnic.

‘hey jimin, i’m going to come back and see them perform next week, you wanna come with?’ taehyung asked his brother, sitting down on the blanket.

‘why?’

‘oh i promised jaehyun that i would come volunteer next week.’

‘how? you were there for three minutes.’

‘i dunno, chim, we just hit it off.’

‘i actually hate you.’

jinyoung sat in the kim living room, watching the kids being weird. about 20 minutes before, namjoon had come home from his sunday radio show, carrying his work bag which definitely seemed heavier than what it was when he left earlier in the day.

namjoon made some excuse, and quickly made his way upstairs, jungkook following him. soon after, the rest of the kids slowly left the living room where they had been sitting and playing video games, to follow their father and brothers up the stairs.

jinyoung frowned, the sudden silence downstairs making him feel slightly uncomfortable. jinyoung didnt remember a time in the past 20 years when everything was quiet. jinyoung got up, walking upstairs to see what was going on. jinyoung stopped outside of all of the kid’s bedroom doors, listening to find where they were.

he finally got to tae, jimin, and jungkook’s room, where he could hear the kids whispering and talking amongst each other. he knocked on the door.

‘hey, can i come in?’

‘yeah, just give us a second.’ jinyoung heard shuffling for a minute, before jimin opened the door for him.  as jinyoung walked in, he could smell food.

‘are you eating in here?’ all the kids and namjoon shake their heads, looking down at the ground. jinyoung sighs, and goes to walk out when he sees a box of chicken wings sitting behind namjoon on taehyung’s bed.

‘lit, are those chicken wings?’ jinyoung asked, sitting down on the floor next to hobi and yoongi. ‘why are you eating them up here?’

‘last time jin caught us eating chicken wings...’ namjoon shudders. ‘it wasnt nice, lets just say that.’

‘well i wont tell him, i love chicken wings.’ jinyoung took one of the chicken wings from the box. the kids continued to eat, falling back into the joking banter that had been going on downstairs before namjoon arrived with the chicken.

jinyoung messaged jaebum

jinyoung: yo guess what

jinyoung: namjoon just tried to sneak in chicken wings for the kids but now we all eating them and chilling

jinyoung: bc jin wont let the kims get takeout

jaebum: he wont let us get takeout

jaebum: that’s actually genius

jaebum: do you think i can hide a pizza box under my jacket

jinyoung: you’re pathetic.

jaebum messaged park-im + jin

jaebum removed gourmet mom from the chat

jaebum: children i have a plan

jaebum: i’m going to need your help

sunshine: whats up, dad?

jaebum: i’m gonna go get a pizza. i need you all to distract jin and get him to go out so we can eat

chrisbrownfucker69: heck yeah!!!

double b: you’re the best, dad

jflawless: i can tell him i need more of my protein powder and stuff?

jaebum: do that. he’ll have to go to the shops and get it

jaebum: i’ll order the pizza right now and we can eat it quickly while jin is out

double b: yaaaaasssssssss

-10 minutes later-

jaebum: i’m almost home, everyone assemble in yugbam’s  room

jaebum brings in the pizza, quickly running up to the youngest kid’s room. ‘we have like 10 minutes, please everyone eat all of it. i dont want jin to murder me.’ jaebum sets the pizza down on the floor, sitting down and taking a slice.

‘this is the best pizza ever.’ jackson says, shoving a whole slice into his mouth. all of the kids made various noises in agreement, too busy eating to say anything else.

not even three minutes later, jaebum and the kids heard the front door shutting, and jin yelling that he was home.

‘shit, hide this somewhere!!’ jaebum shoved the box at jackson. jackson and mark both jumped up, opening their wardrobe to find a place to stash the box, but it was such a mess that neither could find any space to put it. they quickly closed the doors, and ran to their beds, looking underneath. there was no room either, because bambam’s thousands of clothes were shoved under both beds.

‘why the fuck do you have so much shit??’ jackson whisper-yelled at the youngest two, shoving the box at them. they heard jin’s steps down the hallway. bambam opened the window and threw the pizza box out, just before jin opened the door.

‘what are all of you doing in here?’

‘yugyeom asked for advice about dating jungkook.’ jackson told jin, smiling at his youngest brother. yugyeom turned red, looking out the window.

‘well that’s none of my business. if all of you would like to come downstairs soon, i want to organise dinner.’ jin walked back out of the room, closing the door behind him.

‘thanks, bambam.’ mark groaned, looking out the window at the pizza box in the backyard.

‘i panicked!’

‘so are we going to go get it, or...?’ yugyeom asked.

‘no, of course not.’ 

‘well... i wouldnt mind a little bit more...’

‘alright well i brought this thing in, you guys need to work out how to get it from the backyard.’ jaebum told them. ‘be quick though, jin wanted us downstairs for dinner soon.’

jinyoung messaged jaebum

jinyoung: i kinda miss my own kids

jinyoung: even the shitheads

jinyoung: dont tell them that, i have a reputation to uphold

jaebum: dont worry babe, we miss you too

jaebum: <3 <3 <3

jinyoung: dont be sappy

Chapter Text

hobi messaged kiddos

hobi: i officially take back every nice thing i ever said about jinyoung

hobi: he’s a dick

mark:  what did he do?

jimin: he made us watch a horror movie and then kept scaring hoseok

hobi: i am traumatised

jflawless: well that was your first mistake, you showed him weakness

double b: he can smell that shit or something

chrisbrownfucker69: last time he got mark to scare bambam and chase him down the hall

sunshine: he literally ran into a glass door trying to get away

tae: lol

mark: that was really funny hahaha

suga: i should prank hobi more often, it was funny

hobi: i’m glad u thought so :(

jinyoung messaged rap monster

jinyoung: look i appreciate that ur an intellectional and that u want to spend time with me but i don’t give a shit about kanye

rap monster: fine

jinyoung: ….

rap monster:  wanna gossip about teachers at the kids’ school?

jinyoung: spill the tea bitch

gourmet mom messaged regrets.jpeg

gourmet mom: hey this photo album i found has a photo of yugyeom and bambam with those child leash things on

gourmet mom: how old were they?

jinyoung: in that photo, like 7

gourmet mom: isn’t that like, too old for child leashes?

gourmet mom: like, weren’t they too strong?

jinyoung: not for jaebum, he’s ripped

jinyoung: plus we used them until yugbam were 12

jinyoung: so we got used to it

rap monster: for real?

jaebum: yeah, they were pretty annoying

jinyoung: and didnt like to listen

gourmet mom: ..........

gourmet mom messaged park-im + jin

gourmet mom: is there anywhere bambam goes after school to hang out?

gourmet mom: i can’t seem to find him

chrisbrownfucker69: he came home from school with all of us

gourmet mom: and he’s not in any of your rooms?

sunshine: not in jackson and i’s room

chrisbrownfucker69: obviously not, i thought he was downstairs

jaebum: he’s not with me

mark: he’s not with me either

gourmet mom: oh shit

jaebum: oh shit indeed.

jinyoung messaged park-im + markjae and the shitheads

jinyoung: you shitheads (i’m refering to literally all of you this time)

jinyoung: better not have lost my son

jinyoung: i know he isnt my favourite but i’ll still be mad if you have lost him

jaebum: we’re looking for him, i’m sure he just went for a walk and forgot to tell us or something

jflawless: have you met bambam?

jflawless: he literally told me earlier that he was going to pee

jinyoung: jaebum how the fuck could you have lost our son

jinyoung: he’s been kidnapped

jinyoung: we’re never going to see him again.

gourmet mom messaged park-im + jin

gourmet mom:  can you all meet me in the kitchen please we’re going to have to look for him

‘okay we’re all here,’ jin told them, putting his phone down on the table. ‘bambam came home with all of you, right?’

‘yeah, we were doing homework in our room and he got up suddenly and left. he didn’t come back but i just figured he went downstairs to bother mark or something.’

‘what time was that?’

‘maybe like two hours ago? three? I'm not sure...' yugyeom looked at the clock on the wall.

‘well have any of you seen him since?’ everyone shook their heads, looking around the room uncomfortably.

‘hey, what are you guys doing?’ bambam walks into the kitchen, putting his phone down on the kitchen bench. the park-im’s and jin all look up, seeing bambam standing in the doorway. jackson and yugyeom both run to hug him, everyone else following soon after.

‘what the fuck, bam, we were worried about you! you absolute shithead!!!’ jaebum grabs onto bambam and pulls him into a hug.

‘i was literally on the roof why are you all freaking out.’

‘oh yeah, you sit on the roof sometimes.’ yugyeom grins at his brother. mark slaps him across the head.

‘you idiot, that would have been helpful information like a half an hour ago.’

jinyoung messaged park im + markjae and the shitheads

jinyoung: have you found him yet??

-10 minutes later-

jinyoung: why are you all ignoring me

jinyoung: i’m coming over right now

double b: hey i’m here

double b: i was just taking a nap on the roof

double b: but it’s cute u care so much

jinyoung: you actual piece of shit

jinyoung: you fUCKING IDIOT WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH U

jinyoung: WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I SWEAR TO GOD

jinyoung: YOURE GONNA WISH U NEVER WOKE UP

jinyoung arrives at his house in less than five minutes, having driven over at an alarming speed from his work. he grabbed his briefcase and stormed into his house.

‘alright fuckers, where is jaebum?’ jinyoung asks the kids, who are sitting at the table. jin looks up, mortified at jinyoung’s language.

‘i’m right here, babe. what’s up?’ jaebum walks out of the kitchen, holding a glass of water.

‘can you put that down for a second?’ jaebum puts the glass down on the table, frowning. jinyoung starts hitting him with his briefcase when he gets close enough. ‘i’ve been gone for less than two weeks, and you lose one?’

‘can you stop please that hurts?’ jaebum asks, trying to get away from jinyoung.

‘good. you deserve it.’ jinyoung continues to hit him.

‘how is bambam being an idiot my fault?’

‘because you’re supposed to make sure they arent being dumb, i told you that.’ jinyoung puts down the suitcase. ‘out of all of them too, you lost bambam. his weak ass is skinny, he could never defend himself.’

‘hey, i’m right here!’ bambam yells at jinyoung. yugyeom leans over and pats his shoulder, comforting him.

‘shut up, idiot, i’m busy yelling at your father.’

‘stop calling me an idiot, this is the first time i’ve done something irresponsible ever.’

‘no it’s not, i have a list.’ mark tells him, pulling out his phone. ‘it’s alphabetised.’

‘good lord,’ jin sighs.

Chapter Text

gourmet mom messaged bangtan boys

gourmet mom: i just wanted to remind you all that i love and miss you very much

gourmet mom: i hope you all have a good day today!!

gourmet mom: i’ll see you all really soon!!

jimin: love you too mom

tae: <3

hobi: <3

suga:  i hope you have a good day too mom, love you

rap monster:  love you baby :*

rap monster: jungkook have you got anything to say to your mom?

kookie: love you mom -.-

hobi messaged kiddos

hobi: hey, do any of you know why jinyoung is so sad this morning

jimin: he straight up ignored everyone at breakfast

double b: that has literally never happened before

jflawless: none of you said anything?

suga: i cant think of anything???

mark: hmmmmmm

chrisbrownfucker69: none of you called him old or anything?

double b: he gets upset at that

mark: you’re both so dumb i swear to god

mark: people do generally tend to get upset when you call them old

double b: don’t treat us like idiots just because we’re stupid?

suga: that’s the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard

mark: that’s not even the dumbest thing the trashbags have said this morning

jimin: can we get back to jinyoung?

mark: i have an assignment due tonight, i can’t go and see him. youngjae?

sunshine: i have to work on a project with sehun tonight

jflawless: i’ll go

jflawless: but if he bullies me, i’m suing

tae: please just fix it

tae: i actually miss him roasting the shit out of jimin and i

jackson arrived at jinyoung’s office building at around 2, after almost an hour on the bus. he’d left school early, figuring that jinyoung was way more important than whatever stupid math they were learning at the time. jackson quickly straightened his shirt, and then walked into the huge building. he made his way over to reception, standing there for a minute before the receptionist looked up at him.

‘hi, how can i help you today?’ she asked him, completely monotone. jackson couldn’t blame her, if he was being completely honest. the idea of answering phones all day, and sitting in the one place sent a shiver through him.

‘i’m here to see jinyoung park-im?’ the receptionist rolled her eyes and picked up the phone sitting next to her.

‘jinyoung, there’s someone here for you.’ jackson could hear jinyoung on the other end of the phone, questioning her about who was here to see him. ‘one of your devil spawn, probably.’ the receptionist hung up the phone, while jinyoung was mid sentence.

‘just go up, level 12. you know which office, right?’

‘yep.’ jackson stated awkwardly, walking towards the elevators. when jackson got into the elevator, he felt immediatly out of place among the countless business people in suits. when he finally reached jinyoung’s floor, he quickly got out of the elevator and made a beeline to jinyoung’s office. jackson knocks, and jinyoung tells him to come in. ‘hey mom! how are you today?’

‘oh! jackson! i thought it was going to be youngjae.’

‘the kim kids said that you were sad at breakfast. youngjae is busy tonight with a project, and mark has a late class or something.’ jackson stops, noticing jinyoung’s face fall slightly. ‘i know i’m not the kid you probably wanted to see, but i’m here to make you feel better!’

‘you’re the kid i needed to see today. i love you, jackson, i hope you know that.’ jinyoung looks like he’s about to cry as he gets up from his desk to hug his son. ‘let’s get out of here and go shopping. i’ll take the rest of the day off.’ jinyoung sits back down at his desk, typing a quick email telling everyone that he’s going home for the day, before grabbing his suit jacket and briefcase.

‘wang gae,’jackson started, waiting for jinyoung to finish.

‘i can’t believe you still remember that.’ jinyoung sighs as he closes the door to his office.

‘i’m going to keep saying it until you respond. wang gae,’

‘park gae.’

‘aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!’ jackson screams, and everyone in the office looks up at jackson, giving him a dirty look. jinyoung glares at all of them, and they all look back down at their desks.

‘that’s what i thought.’ jinyoung mutters, dragging jackson to the elevators. ‘your name isnt even wang anymore?’

‘its still cute, leave me alone.’

double b messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

double b: yugkook is slowly sailing i’m so excited

double b: they’re watching mission impossible or something on the couch and sitting real close.

jflawless: so should we change yugy’s name to jungkookfucker69 now?

jaebum removed jflawless from the chat

double b added jflawless to the chat

jflawless: bitch u thought

chrisbrownfucker69: i’d prefer chrisbrownfucker69

chrisbrownfucker69: if i’m honest

jflawless changed chrisbrownfucker69’s name to jungkookfucker69

jflawless: #iconic

jungkook and yugyeom had spent the past hour playing video games and inching closer to each other on the couch. bambam, who was watching from the kitchen table, could see how increasingly lame they were getting. it was clear, to almost everyone who knew them that they liked each other, but both seemed to refuse to admit it.

‘hey, i’m really thirsty, can you get me a drink?’ jungkook asked, looking over at yugyeom. yugyeom stood up, putting his phone down where he was sitting.

‘sure, what do you want?’

‘anything is fine’

jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jflawless: @jungkookfucker69, can you get me a drink too?

jungkook noticed yugyeom’s phone vibrating on the couch, and picked it up. he wasn’t planning on reading the message, but he did and was shocked momentarily. jungkook stood up and walked into the kitchen.

‘why is your name in your family chat ‘jungkookfucker?’ suddenly, bambam started laughing, along with jackson, mark, and jaebum, who were hidden watching the yugkook date.

‘see um, it’s just a really dumb joke, don’t even worry about it.’ yugyeom tried to explain, snatching his phone back out of jungkook’s hand.

‘let me see!’ jungkook reaches to grab the phone back from yugyeom. yugyeom panics, slapping jungkook in the face and running out of the kitchen.

 ‘yugy, im disappointed, jinyoung taught us that domestic violence is never okay.’ bambam says from the table. at that moment, jaebum, jackson and mark laugh harder than they had before.

‘hey, we should go to my room to escape. i’ll explain, i promise.’ yugyeom grabs jungkook by the arm gently and takes him upstairs to his room. jaebum, mark and jackson all come out from their hiding place, walking into the kitchen and looking at bambam.

‘we’re not just gonna let them get away with that are we?’jackson asked, looking up the stairs towards yugyeom and bambam’s room. bambam gets up from the table and goes to the kitchen, pulling a glass out of the cupboard.

‘alright, let’s go snoop.’

twenty minutes later, jin finds the four of them standing in the hallway, ears to bambam and yugyeom’s door.

‘what are they doing?’ jin askes youngjae, who is standing in the end of the hallway, holding coco.

‘jungkook and yugyeom are ‘hanging out’ in yugy’s room.’ jackson tells him, trying to be quiet but not succeeding at all.

‘why didn’t you tell me jungkook was coming?’

‘well to be honest, we didnt know either.’ bambam tells jin, grinning at the double entendre. jaebum, mark and jackson all laugh again, high fiving the younger.

‘what?’ jin asks, frowning because he didn’t get the dumb joke. bambam opens his mouth to explain, before jaebum places his hand over his mouth.

‘don’t explain it.’ jaebum tells him, and then turning back to the door. ‘now shush, i don’t want them to hear us.’

‘you really should have been more sneaky then.’ yugyeom answers through the door. the five of them standing in front of the door look between each other, before booking it back to the living room.

jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jflawless: mom have u read this yet bc omg

jinyoung: i was having a nap what happened

double b: yugkook on a cute movie date at the house and we’ve been snooping the entire time.

jinyoung: what

jinyoung: i can’t believe i missed that
jinyoung: next time u gotta facetime me or something, fuck

jinyoung messaged kim + jinyoung

jinyoung: why did none of you tell me jungkook was going to my house?

tae: honestly i forgot lol

tae: he just told me that he was going like an hour and a half ago

jinyoung: bitch

jinyoung: why do you want me to dislike you

jinyoung: do you noy think that’s something i would want to know

jimin: he’s got you there, tae

tae: oh fuck off.

jimin messaged gourmet mom:

jimin: hey mom

gourmet mom: what’s up baby?

gourmet mom: you okay?

jimin: i just miss you a lot

jimin: jinyoung isn’t a hugger

gourmet mom: oh baby have you asked your dad for cuddles?

jimin: it’s not the same

gourmet mom: i’m so sorry baby

gourmet mom: give me a second

gourmet messaged regrets.jpeg

gourmet mom: @namjoon and jinyoung

gourmet mom: hug my children

gourmet mom: all of them

jinyoung: why tho?

gourmet mom: jimin is sad bc he misses my cuddles

gourmet mom: if jimin is upset, it means that tae and hobi are also upset and just havent said anything

jinyoung: ugh fine

rap monster: ohhhh that’s why jimin just came and hugged me

rap monster: i’ll try harder babe

gourmet mom: love you <3

jaebum: jinyoung aren’t you gonna tell me that you love me?

jinyoung: no ew why

rap monster: #truelove

gourmet mom messaged jimin

gourmet mom: if jinyoung and your father don’t come give you cuddles in the next 10 minutes

gourmet mom: tell me and i’ll come beat their asses

jimin: mom you have spent far too long with the park-im’s

gourmet mom: i really have

Chapter Text

jaebum messaged jinyoung

jaebum: i wrote a song for jyp today

jaebum: sorta reminds me of us

jaebum: (screenshot of the lyrics of teenager)

jinyoung: ..........

(like five minutes later)

jaebum: babe what’s wrong?

jinyoung: ..........

jinyoung: what are you doing right now

jaebum: i’m supposed to be picking up the kids from school

jaebum: i can ditch them tho

jinyoung: ditch them and meet me in like 20 minutes

jaebum: make it 15

jinyoung: i’ll do anything if you tell me good boy

jaebum: you better be ready for when i get there holy shit

jaebum messaged mark

jaebum: can you please pick up your brothers from school?

jaebum: like now

mark: i’m not home

mark: i’m with some people from my class, we’re doing a project

jaebum: please

mark: sorry dad, i really cant

jaebum: for the love of god mark

jaebum: please

jaebum: i haven’t had sex in a week and a half

jaebum: you can have the car for the rest of the weekend

mark: wow

mark: ok

mark: did not have to know that, btw

mark: but fine i’ll go get them

tae messaged jinyoung

tae: hey jinyoung

tae: could you please help me with this assignment?

jinyoung: what’s it about?

tae: it’s on that book you read the other day

jinyoung: oh yeah

jinyoung: no i won’t help

tae: why???

jinyoung: you didn’t tell me that jungkook went to my house yesterday

tae: im sorry!!!

jinyoung: i’m still not helping

jinyoung: plus i’m not home right now

tae: :(

tae: wait where are you?

jinyoung: i’m driving home now

jinyoung: ;)

‘hey, what are we watching?’ jackson sits down next to his youngest brother on the couch, ruffling his hair.

‘a new drama that came out recently!’ yugyeom grins at his brother. jackson steals the remote from him.  ‘jackson, it’s my turn with the tv, give it back.’

‘yeah but you’re always watching stupid dramas.’ jackson flicks through the channels, looking for something to watch. there’s nothing on, so jackson puts it back on the drama, handing the remote back to his brother.

‘it’s not stupid, jackson, you just dont get it.’ yugyeom rolls his eyes. ‘mom wouldn’t let you bully me like this.’

‘mom would be the one bullying you.’ jaebum, who is sitting at the kitchen table, coughs, trying to hide his laughter.

‘is this the one where the moon is a dude?’ jaebum asks, squinting at the tv.

‘and the dolls with water? yeah.’ bambam answers, rolling his eyes at his younger brother.

‘i can’t believe you make us watch this shit. you can watch it on your phone!’ jackson whinges at yugyeom. yugyeom shrugs.

 ‘the show is ridiculous can we at least watch a good drama?’ bambam sighs.

‘this is a good drama! it’s a dramatic love triangle, but with superpowers and idols, how is that not awesome?’ yugyeom tries to defend the show.

‘the moon is a dude!’ jackson yells.

‘i like it, leave yugyeom alone.’ jin interrupts the boy’s bickering.

‘never’ jackson tackles yugyeom to the ground, trying to grab the remote back. jackson manages to grab the remote from yugyeom, throwing it to jaebum, who was standing in the corner laughing at his children. jaebum holds up the remote, and suddenly bambam is tackling him to the floor. bambam quickly takes the remote off jaebum, and throws it to yugyeom.

‘i don’t want to watch the dumb drama either but #yugbam for life!’ yugyeom sits back on the couch, gripping the remote tightly.

‘dad, i trusted you.’ jackson whines. jaebum shoves him, and then whispers in jackson’s ear. yugyeom eyes his two brothers and his dad cautiously.

‘can we just watch the drama please? i just missed something and now she’s in the hospital.’ yugyeom whines. jaebum and jackson look at yugyeom, genuinely questioning whether he was serious.

‘honestly never mind, fuck #yugbam.’ bambam steals the remote again and throws it at jackson.  yugyeom turns to look at bambam, with a look of betrayal. bambam simply shrugs, looking away from his brother.

‘hey, swearing!!’ jin scolds bambam, hitting him with the cushion sitting next to him.

‘sorry jin.’ yugyeom tackles jackson to the floor again, trying to get the remote back. bambam quickly joins in,  trying to change the channel to something else that isn’t a dumb drama. 

‘dad help, he’s stronger than i thought.’  jackson whines, trying to fight off his youngest brother.

‘you go to the gym with me like everyday how are you this weak?’ jaebum starts pulling bambam off yugyeom, and holds him down briefly.

‘jaebum and jackson, take off your shirts!!’ jin yells, in the middle of the chaos. everyone stops to look at jin, grinning into his cup of tea.

‘that’s so gross.’ bambam frowns. ‘that’s my dad, and my brother.’

‘i swear we’ve had this conversation, he’s not my son.’ jin winks, and everybody groans again. ‘anyway, i like the drama, let’s watch it.’

gourmet mom messaged rap monster

gourmet mom: jaebum told me that you are taking all the older kids to the club tonight

rap monster: yep

gourmet mom: have fun babe!

gourmet mom: i’m going with him to the gym before you all leave

gourmet mom: thought i should start working out again. jaebum goes every day, you know?

rap monster: why dont you just marry him?

gourmet mom: because i love you

gourmet mom: and tbh i’m pretty sure jinyoung would murder me

rap monster: yep

gourmet mom: really, joonie, i love you a lot

gourmet mom: even if you don’t have a six pack

rap monster: *looks into the camera like i’m on the office*

namjoon, hobi, and yoongi all stood outside the piercing parlour, waiting for the others to join them before they went in.

‘are you sure we’re in the right place mark?’ jaebum’s voice trailed down the street. namjoon grinned, remembering himself thinking the exact same thing when he was first introduced to the club.

‘this doesn’t look very underground rap club-like?’ jackson added, looking very hesitantly down the street.

‘no, we’re in the right place.’ mark tells them. they walk closer, and finally see namjoon, hobi, and yoongi standing out the front. ‘see, they’re here.’ they walk up and join the other three standing on the curb.

‘hey, you guys are here. come on!’ namjoon opens the door and lets his kids through first, followed by the park-im’s. hobi walked to the furthest wall in the shop, and pushed on a knight’s helmet which was set on the bookshelf. it slowly slid to the side, revealing stairs down to the basement, which revealed hundreds of people and loud music.

‘that’s so fucking cool, bambam will love this.’ jackson almost whispered, following the kim’s down the stairs.

‘rap monster, you haven’t performed in the last couple weeks. got anything new for us tonight?’ some random dude walked up to the group, handing namjoon a beer.

‘yeah, i think so.’ the dude patted namjoon on the back and walked away.

‘please adopt me. that was so cool.’

‘i haven’t even started rapping yet.’ namjoon winks and starts walking towards an empty booth in the corner.

‘jb, you can have a drink if you want, the bartender will hook you up. mark too, i suppose.’ jaebum and mark shrug at each other,  walking towards the bar. jackson, yoongi, and hobi all sit down at the table .

‘seriously though, please adopt me. my dad is so lame. he hasn’t worn anything in the past year but bucket hats and sweatpants.’

‘what’s wrong with bucket hats?’ namjoon asks, and all three kids cringe. ‘i suppose that answers that question.’

later, after namjoon got up on the stage and rapped, and jaebum embarrassed all of his kids by trying to rap, hobi, mark, and jackson all began to dance with the large group that was forming in the middle of the room.

‘jackson’s a good kid.’

‘take him, he’s yours.’ jaebum sighs, finishing his beer. they simultaneously look over to the boys, where all of them are dancing with various girls, far too inappropriately. jaebum sighs again. ‘i don’t know whether to be proud or disappointed.’

‘well, in our family i’m definitely the proud one. jin would murder hobi in his sleep if he saw this.’ namjoon finishes his bottle too, putting it down on the table and pushing it away. ‘we should probably go get the monsters before this gets too bad.’ namjoon and jaebum get up, yoongi following them, and walking towards the group of dancers.

just then, a small fight breaks out with jackson and another dude who is standing near them. jaebum quickly breaks it up, holding jackson back, as the guy’s friend does the same. 

‘what just happened?’ namjoon asks, looking between the two boys.

‘he was dancing with my girlfriend!’

‘well you clearly aren’t looking after her if she was dancing with me.’

‘alright everyone chill out. jackson, stop being a hoe.’

‘i was just dancing!’ jackson almost yells. jaebum rolls his eyes at his son.

‘well go dance somewhere else then.’ the dude spits at him.

‘do you wanna go?? i can bet that i can dance better than you can.’ jackson yells back.

‘fine. loser can’t come back here ever again.’ the kids, namjoon and jaebum all look between each other, wondering if this was really about to happen. the other dude shoves his friend off him, and runs over to the dj booth, requesting a song, before collecting two other friends and walking back.

‘who else is on your team?’

‘me!’ hobi quickly stands next to jackson. jackson turns to look at mark, silently asking.

‘no way, i like it here. you’ve seen me dance.’

‘i’ll do it.’

‘wait really dad, i didn’t know you danced?’

‘i spent 5 years b-boying in high school, i’ve got this.’ jackson gives him a sceptical look, but gestures for jaebum to come stand next to him. the other dude signals the dj, and suddenly the heavy bass starts on the song.

jackson goes first, dancing well but not well enough, against one of the dude’s friends. he loses the first round, complaining about the unfairness of the competition.

hoseok goes next, and unsurprisingly, tears shit up. hoseok wins his round easily, the other three dudes still looking pleased with themselves. at this point, jackson begins to stress about never being able to come back to the club again.

as soon as jaebum starts dancing, jackson’s hesitation about letting his dad dance is gone, as he watches jaebum, clearly better than the other guys before him.

‘that’s my dad!’ jackson yells, while jaebum finishes up his dance. jaebum grins at jackson and mark, before dabbing at them. ‘wait never mind!’ jackson yells again. the other dude finishes his dance, and it being very clear that jaebum has won the round, walks off as the heavy song comes to an end.

‘that’s two to one. i guess we win. but you know what, feel free to come back here. i’m sure everyone here will make sure they tell everyone how you lost a dance battle to my dad.’ jackson tells the dude. he scoffs, and quickly grabs his girlfriend’s arm and starts to drag her up the stairs and out of the club. jackson winks at the girl as she goes.

jaebum walks over to mark, limping slightly. ‘please drive me home, i’m far too old for this.’

‘why?’ mark looks at his dad, questioning why they had to leave.

‘i think i pulled a muscle.’

Chapter Text

double b messaged kiddos

double b: jin and dad accidentally wore matching clothes today it was disgusting

sunshine: it was cute leave them alone

jimin: ???????

jflawless: they went to the same college, and both wore their college hoodies today

hobi: ooooooooooooo

jungkookfucker69:: they kept talking about it i wanted to stab myself

jflawless: please do, more inheritance for me

double b: shut up jackson, jinyoung isn’t going to give you shit

jflawless: i mean,,,, you’re not wrong but also

jflawless: you or yugy arent getting anything either

mark: favourite children represent

double b: :/

jin walked into the last isle in the supermarket, looking for milk, when he runs into junmyeon kim.

‘hey, i haven’t seen you in the pta meetings for a couple of months now. everything okay?’ jin asks, putting the milk down in his cart.

‘oh, i’ve been busy with the kids and kris. he’s being shitty and trying to get the kids to go live with him in china. i’ve lost two already.’ junmyeon sighs, looking away from jin briefly.

‘that really sucks. i understand about the kids though, i only have five, and they’re a handful. i can’t imagine having ten kids. at least some of yours are still young, i miss having babies. they don’t need me anymore.’

‘don’t make my mistake, ten is far too many. i will never get those years back.’ junmyeon pauses, playing with his sleeves. ‘don’t get me wrong, my kids are a blessing, but a handful.’

‘yoongi was telling me yesterday that yixing released an album on soundcloud? he really liked it, said the song peach was ‘a bop’ as the kids say.’ jin finishes speaking, and junmyeon suddenly looks upset.

‘i’m sorry jin, i have to go, see you later.’ junmyeon quickly grabs whatever he needed and wheels his cart away from jin.

‘huh, that was weird.’ jin mutters to himself as he wheels his cart to the checkout.

jaebum messaged jinyoung

jaebum: hey can you do more cleaning when you get back

jaebum: jin’s been cleaning up the house all the time

jaebum: it’s been nice not to live in mess

jinyoung: it would also be nice if you werent such a little bitch

jinyoung: but you don’t see me complaining.

jin got home from shopping to find jaebum sitting at the kitchen bench. ‘i didn’t know you were gonna be home today.’

‘yeah, i just worked on putting a couple of songs together in the music room.’

jin went into the living room, to find the kid’s bags on the floor. jin went straight to jackson’s bag, to get out his fencing stuff to clean it, when he found a container of cookies. jin grabbed them, and walked back into the kitchen. ‘hey, i found this box of cookies in jackson’s bag, do you want some?’ jin put the container down on the counter, sitting at the kitchen bench.

‘yeah, sure.’ jaebum takes one of the cookies, taking a bite. ‘holy shit, these are awesome. have you had one?’ jin took one out and ate it.

‘they’re awesome. wait, where are the kids?’

‘they went to the mall, i think.’ jaebum tells him, taking another cookie.

-like an hour and a half later-

‘hey dad, jin. we’re back from the mall.’ the kids walk into the lounge, where jin and jaebum are on the couch.

‘you’re in so much trouble, jackson, i swear to god.’ jaebum tells his son, with no real anger in his voice.

‘holy shit, are you both high?’ bambam grinned, looking between jin and jaebum, slumped on the couch, their eyes slightly glazed over.

‘did you go through my stuff?’

‘yeah, i wanted to wash your fencing stuff. it was smelly last time i saw it.’ jin pauses. ‘huh, smelly. smellllyyyyyyy.’

‘yugy, start filming, i can’t wait to show jinyoung.’ bambam tells his younger brother.  youngjae sighs, putting his stuff down on the table.

‘you guys are awful.’

‘yeah.’ bambam and jackson agree, laughing at their dad and jin. ‘wait how do you know you’re high?’

‘have you met jinyoung and i, honestly?’ jaebum asks.

‘i smoked weed in college.’ jin answers, playing with the strings on his hoodie.

‘i don’t believe you.’ yugyeom stares at jin.

‘ask namjoon, i did. anyway, jackson, i can’t believe that you would sell drugs.’

‘how can you say it’s bad when you used to do it?’ jackson asked jin.

‘i suppose you got me there.’

 ‘well, as your father, i-‘ jaebum stops. ‘i’m too high to yell at you right now, but you better believe when i’m sober again, you’re getting your ass beat.’ jaebum tells him slowly. coco jumps up onto jaebum’s lap, and he begins patting the dog. ‘hey coco, baby, jackson is in trouble. yes, what an idiot, right?’ mark walks into the living room, noticing jaebum and jin on the couch, and his brothers standing around filming them.

‘what did you idiots do?’ mark frowns.

‘they ate my weed brownies.’ jackson sighs.

‘alright well, leave them alone and stop filming. or i’ll show jinyoung the video, jackson.’ mark tells jackson, and jackson quickly shoves yugyeom and bambam.

‘guys let’s go. like right now.’ jackson picks up his school stuff,and begins to shove yugyeom and bambam towards their room.

‘what’s on the video, jackson?’ bambam asks, grinning at his older brother. jackson grabs his school bag and runs up the stairs, ignoring his younger brother.

 ‘thanks mark, you’re the realest.’ jaebum leans forward to high-five mark, but falls of the couch. ‘also, can you ground jackson for me, i can’t take myself seriously.’

‘sure, dad. just sit back down on the couch.’

Chapter Text

rap monster messaged regrets.jpeg

rap monster: hey, are you almost here, the camera crew are whinging about you being late

gourmet mom: don’t @ me, namjoon, i have to look good for these interviews.

jinyoung: does jaebum look good too?

gourmet mom: oh fuck yeah

jinyoung: good

rap monster:  i’m right here you know

gourmet mom: namjoon you know i love you, but jaebum...

gourmet mom: he can get it ™

jinyoung: i have some photos you would love to see

gourmet mom: yaaaasssssssss

rap monster: please don’t                                                                                          

rap monster: :(

parents

as soon as jin and jaebum arrived at the studio, they were dragged into a waiting room. a well dressed woman holding a clipboard came up to them, and sat them down in chairs, giving them a bottle of water.

‘the kids are all hanging out in a separate waiting room, we’re just finishing up individual interviews with jinyoung and namjoon. we’ll complete your individual interviews later. someone will come get you and take you to one of the filming rooms soon.’ her phone started ringing, and she walked out of the room quickly.

‘wow, this is intense.’ jaebum whistled, looking around the empty room. jin sighed and took a drink of water.

‘let’s hope this gets over with quickly, i want to go home and hang out with my kids.’ jaebum looked over at jin, eyes narrowed slightly. ‘and..... other things.’

‘like what?’ jaebum asks

‘fuck namjoon.’

‘that’s all i wanted you to say, jin.’

‘you’re the worst.’

‘alright, follow me please, we’re going to film the interview with your husbands.’ jin and jaebum get up, following the woman down the long hall. ‘do either of you have a preference for the side you prefer to be recording on? usually people prefer one side of their face or another.’

‘excuse you, all of my sides are beautiful.’ she stops outside of a door.

‘good luck!’ the woman opens the door, and gestures for jin and jaebum to walk in. namjoon and jinyoung are already sitting at the table.

‘baby!’ jin runs straight towards namjoon, and jumps into his arms. ‘i’ve missed you!’

‘ugh, you again.’ jinyoung sighs as jaebum sits down next to him.

‘thanks, jinyoung, i missed you too.’

‘jaebum must be going to heaven for having to deal with you.’ jin tells jinyoung as he sits down at the table in the centre of the room.

‘how do i look in this lighting?’ jin asks, settling down in his chair. the camera men give him a thumbs up.

‘alright, so we’ll start with some basic questions about these two weeks, things that you’ve learned, that sort of thing. we’ll just let you talk for a while, and stop you when we have what we need. you ready?’ all four men nod. ‘awesome!’

park im + jin

‘any final words, jin, about spending time with the park-im’s?’

‘well, i suppose i’ve learned that i’m far too strict with my kids. these kids have helped me realise that they don’t need me to be so controlling. and helped me learn to be relatable to them, as the kids say.’

‘you’re so lame, jin.’ yugyeom teased jin. 

‘shut up, punk. i’ll tell jungkook all of the things i’ve heard you say about him in the last two weeks.’ jin looks yugyeom in the eye and stares.

‘holy shit, you’re savage now. we’re so proud of you.’ jackson pretended to wipe tears from his eyes.

kim + jinyoung

‘is there anything else you would like to say to each other before the next interviews?’

‘jinyoung, we did the math.’ jimin pulls the swear jar out from behind his back. ‘you owe us exactly $486 dollars for the swear jar.’ jinyoung looks between namjoon and jimin.

‘fuck, really?’ he questions. ‘i would like to see the math.’ hoseok pulls out a notebook, and hands it to jinyoung. he inspects it for a minute, flicking between the pages.

‘alright, i guess i owe you $486 dollars.’

‘well, $487.45, now.’

‘god fucking dammit.’

‘$488.’

‘fine, i’ll find $500 dollars for you all. $100 each for you kiddos. still gonna complain about me now?’

‘thank you, jinyoung!’ jungkook, jimin, taehyung and hobi yell, hugging jinyoung.

‘get off me, you disgusting cretins.’ jinyoung shoves them off him, grinning slightly. ‘i’m gonna miss all of you being so dumb.’

‘we’ll be around. mark and i are friends now.’

‘because of the sock?’

‘yeah. plus, jungkook is probably going to be around a lot more, yugkook is for real.’ taehyung grins at his youngest brother. jungkook scowls, turning away from taehyung and jimin.

‘you should come over for dinner next week sometime. i’m sure there’s far more to talk about from these past two weeks. plus jin would love to hang out with jaebum some more.’ namjoon tells jinyoung, rolling his eyes.

‘i’d like to hang out with you too, daddy.’

‘that’s fucking disgusting jinyoung, that’s my dad!’ jimin yells at him.

 ‘it’s been wild, kiddos. thanks for having me.’ jinyoung told them, still laughing. namjoon cracks a grin, along with the rest of the kids.

‘alright, this interview is done!! off to your own mothers for the final interviews now!’ the woman tells them.

park im family

jinyoung walks into the room with all of his kids, and sits down on the couch next to jaebum.

‘hey kiddos. how have you been?’ all the kids answer jinyoung simultaneosly, except for bambam and yugyeom.

‘bambam, yugyeom, what about you?’ the kids look between each other, still not answering the question.

‘i can’t believe you treated jungkook so nicely. you’ve had us for 13 years, and still treat him better.’

‘unlike you two, he isn’t a little pussy. he’s like the son i never had.’ yugyeom gasps.

‘alright, everyone chill the fuck out. be happy that jinyoung is back, and we can talk about it later.’ jaebum interrupts the death stare between jinyoung and yugyeom.

the woman starts the interview, asking questions about jinyoung’s time with the kim’s and how jin was different to jinyoung’s usual parenting. yugyeom and bambam continue to ignore jinyoung, even when he talks to, and refers to them directly.

‘you fuckers are adopted anyway.’ jinyoung tells them, glaring at the two youngest.

‘mom, we’re literally all adopted??’ jackson tells jinyoung, who simply shrugs and continues answering the questions for the interview.

kim family

as soon as jin walks into the room, all of the kids run to hug him and talk to him before the interview starts.

‘mom, i missed you so much. jinyoung was awful.’ Taehyung hugs Jin tightly, not letting him go for a minute.

‘do you want to hear a joke? i learnt some from jackson.’

‘oh no’ Namjoon sighs, looking over at his husband. 

‘why do chicken coops only have two doors?’ everyone is quiet for a second. ‘because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!’ all of the kim family groan, except for jin, who looks very proud of himself.

‘nevermind, jinyoung wasnt that bad, we can get him back somehow, i’m sure.’ jungkook says, patting a horrified taehyung on the back.

‘hey, we need you all on this couch and chairs set up here.’ the clipboard lady tells them, directing them to the chair in the centre of the room.

‘let me in the middle, no one is watching this for my bratty children anyway.’

‘mom?’ jimin asks. ‘can i sit with you?’

‘no, you need to sit with taehyung. it will look better aesthetically.’

‘but mom, i wanted to sit with you.’ taehyung complains.

‘cry me a river taehyung, you know i’m the star here, i need to be in the middle.’

‘what the fuck did the park-im’s do to jin?’ hobi leans over and asks yoongi quietly.

‘i don’t know, but it’s hilarious.’ yoongi answers.

‘i think jimin’s gonna cry.’ hobi looks over at his younger brother.

gourmet mom messaged bangtan boys

gourmet mom: i figured none of you would want to have the real talk in real life

gourmet mom: but given recent information about hobi and kookie, i think we should all have a chat

hobi: you know what, mom, it’s okay

kookie: we’re fine without, dad has talked to us

jimin: plus, we have the internet

gourmet mom: really though,  it’s important

gourmet mom: i just want you all to know that i’m here to talk

suga: thanks mom

gourmet mom: <3

gourmet mom messaged hobi

gourmet mom: hey

gourmet mom: what i said goes for you especially

gourmet mom: you don’t have to be scared or embarrassed to tell me about stuff if you want to

gourmet mom: i’ll try to be more understanding

hobi: i’ve missed you, mom

gourmet mom: you too baby

double b messaged kiddos

double b: this has been fun

double b: i’m gonna miss you guys

tae: don’t be lame, we’ll see you all at school

hobi: plus, jin is organising for you all to come over for dinner next week

jflawless: see you all around then, i guess

double b: <3

sunshine: <3

jimin: <3

tae: <3

mark: this is lame but okay <3

suga: agreed <3

jungkookfucker69: <3

kookie: <3

jflawless: <3

hobi: <3

Chapter Text

jungkook <3 messaged yugy<3

jungkook: hey, so um about what you said earlier

jungkook: when you said you wanted to be with me

jungkook: did you mean like super tight bros?

jungkook: or like, sex stuff?

yugy: well um, both hopefully.

jungkook: cool okay

yugy: so um, are we boyfriends now?

yugy: or am i misreading that nvm dont even worry about it why would you want me

jungkook: yes we can be boyfriends now

jungkook: stop doubting urself ur really hot

jungkook: like one time i actually tripped in dance bc u were sweating and looked hot af

yugy: that was because of me???

jungkook: omfg kill me u remember that

yugy: it was cute

jungkook: i’m still gonna hide forever

yugy messaged jungkook

yugy: oh btw can we keep this a secret for a little while

yugy: not that i dont want to be public but you’ve met my brothers and parents

jungkook: i feel

jungkookfucker69 messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jungkookfucker69: can someone please drive me to the bowling alley tonight

jinyoung: let me guess, on another date with jungkook?

jungkookfucker69: no, he has a competition, he asked me to go support him as a friend

jflawless: wow that was a bit defensive

jaebum: i agree

jaebum: you two fucking yet?

jungkookfucker69: i hate you all so much

double b: love you too bro

mark: i’ll drive you

mark: if you do my washing for a month

jungkookfucker69: deal

jaebum: and you think i’m whipped

jinyoung: you are

jaebum: i mean true

jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jflawless: hey why do u have a medal on

jungkookfucker69: jungkook won and gave his medal to me bc he has heaps

jaebum: *pukes*

yugy messaged jungkook

yugy: ur my best bro in the whole world

yugy: sometimes i cant stop thinking about holding your hand

yugy: full homo bro

jungkook: kys

jungkook: but same

double b messaged kiddos

double b: hey nice scarf yugy

double b: [a photo of yugyeom getting back from his date wearing a scarf]

double b: you cold???

jflawless: omfg

jimin: #callhimout

mark: yall are childish as fuck

mark: hickeys, really?

kookie: they’re not hickeys

tae: what are they then

tae: we’re really curious

jungkookfucker69: i was cold, it’s just a scarf

jflawless: sure, jungkookfucker69

jungkookfucker69: you’re the one who changed that????

jungkookfucker69: i’m a good boy

double b: hahahaha okay if it helps you sleep at night

jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jflawless: hey mom and dad

jflawless: yugyeom has hickeys rn

jflawless: he came back from his date with a scarf

jungkookfucker69: it wasn’t a date i swear to fucking god

jungkookfucker69: we’re just really close bros

jinyoung: sure of course baby

jinyoung: just like me and your father were

jaebum: omfg

jungkookfucker69: really tho, i was just cold

jinyoung: sure honey

jinyoung messaged regrets.jpeg

jinyoung: as much as i joke about it our kids are for real together should we have the talk with them or???
gourmet mom: they cant be

gourmet mom: jungkook would have told me

jinyoung: you say that but yugyeom came in wearing a scarf today

jinyoung: we’ve all been there

rap monster: we probably should talk to them huh

gourmet mom: okay fine

jungkook messaged yugy

jungkook: hey did jinyoung and jaebum just try to give you the talk?

yugy: not so much as the talk as throwing condoms and a bottle of lube at me

yugy: and then telling me to use them

jungkook: i would have preferred that to jin literally trying to explain how butt sex works

yugy: fuck

jungkook: ;) ;) ;)

jinyoung messaged jungkookfucker69

jinyoung: have you used the stuff yet ;) ;) ;)

jungkookfucker69: no

jungkookfucker69: we’re not rushing into sex stuff

jinyoung: what fuckery is this

jinyoung: i’ve raised a disappointing child

jinyoung: don’t tell the other kids this, but jaebum and i waited for a long time before anything happened. don’t let the other kids (and me) pressure you.

jinyoung: if you feel the need to wait, it’s okay.

jungkookfucker69: thanks mom

jinyoung: you’re welcome, kiddo. just don’t tell any of the other kids about this chat, okay? i have a reputation to uphold.

jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jflawless: are you gonna be home soon or are you too busy with your boyfriend?

jungkookfucker69: we arent even dating chill the fuck out

double b: i saw u holding hands like a couple today tho??

jungkookfucker69: reciept?

sunshine: [yugyeom and jungkook holding hands on the couch] #caughtout

jungkookfucker69: how could u betray me youngjae

sunshine: mark bribed me with expenive chocolate

jungkookfucker69: even you, brutus?

mark: sorry bro

yugyeom arrived at the kim’s house 20 minutes early for their date to the movies

‘yugyeom, honey, it’s so nice to see you!!’

‘kookie might be a while, come sit with me a minute, i’m just looking at baby photos. they grow up so quickly.’ jimin and tae walk down the stairs, looking towards the table where jin and yugyeom were sitting.

‘this is gonna be good, let’s sit.’ jimin whispered to his younger brother.

‘hey yug!’ both jimin and tae greeted the younger boy as they sat down. yugyeom nods politely, smiling at the pair and then looking back towards the photo that jin had bee showing him. it was clearly jungkook, grinning at the camera.

‘he was such a cute baby, i always wonder what happened to him.’ jin jokes, staring down at the picture of him.

‘he’s still cute now.’ yugyeom mutters, looking towards the stairs.

‘what?’ jin asked, smiling at yugyeom, clearly having heard him.  yugyeom blushes.

‘nothing!’ yugyeom panics, standing up from the table. ‘can i please have a glass of water?’ jin stands up, walking towards the kitchen.

‘yugyeom!’ jungkook walks down the stairs, holding his keys and his wallet. ‘are you ready to go?’

‘yeah, i’m ready. sorry jin, never mind, i’ll see you later!’ yugyeom yells towards the kitchen, rushing towards the front door with jungkook close behind him.

bambam messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

double b: hey has anyone heard from yugy in a little while

double b: he’s not answering my texts

jflawless: he’s listening to his hoe playlist in his room??

sunshine: wasn’t he supposed to be on his date with jungkook?

jinyoung: oh my god

mark: holy shit

jflawless: #shook

jflawless: i’m right here 

jflawless: pray for me

jaebum: jackson can u yell and ask if they’re using protection?

jflawless: no ew

mark: i’ll do it

mark: he told me to fuck off

double b: i’m so proud of him what a hoe

jinyoung: ikr

-20 minutes later-

jungkookfucker69: for real tho i actually hate all of u

jungkookfucker69: we were just reading

jinyoung: whatever you say sweetie :)

jungkookfucker69 messaged kiddos

jungkookfucker69: can i please change my screen name now

kookie changed jungkookfucker69’s name to dance king

double b: *barf*

jaebum arrives home from a particularly long day to find jackson laying across the dining room table. around him, his other children are standing around, complaining, and yelling at their idiot brother. jinyoung is laying on the couch, reading, seemingly completely unaffected.

‘jackson, why are you laying on the table?’ jaebum asked, putting his things down at the front door, and taking off his jacket.

‘i’m protesting yugyeom abandoning bambam and i for his dick appointment.’ mark and jaebum roll their eyes at jackson being so extra.

‘can you stop calling him my dick appointment? he’s my boyfriend.’ yugyeom complains, pulling out his phone, texting jungkook about how awful his family is sometimes.

‘jackson get off the table, i swear to god.’ jaebum sits down on the couch next to jinyoung.

‘we never see him anymore! he was supposed to come shopping with us and he cancelled today. again!!’ j

‘who knew jungkook would do this to him. my nights are so lonely.’ bambam tells them. yugyeom sighs, putting his phone back down.

‘i can’t believe that we’re being abandoned for jungkook.’

‘i can, you’re annoying.’  jinyoung tells them from the couch, putting down his book.

‘jungkook must have a big dick.’ jackson explains

‘bitch whaat thec fuck o my god ahs;fdjfesk’ bambam yells, turning to yugyeom.

‘bambam can you shut the fuck up and stop speaking like you’re typing all the time. you sound dumb.’ jaebum sighed

‘that wasn’t the important part, jaebum. yugyeom baby, i’m so proud of you, is that true?’ jinyoung asks, standing up and walking over to his kids.

‘this is disgusting why are you all like this?’ mark asks, beginning to walk back to his room.

‘have you got photos though?’ bambam asks, trying to reach into yugyeom’s pocket. yugyeom moves away from his older brother, not answering the question.

 ‘show me!!!!’ bambam screams again, taking yugyeom’s silence as a yes.

‘no, what the fuck.’ yugyeom holds his phone up above his head so that bambam can’t reach.

‘i thought we were bros.’ jackson whinges.

‘you’re not even gay, why would you wanna see that?’ youngjae asks jackson, who simply shrugs.

‘jackson, get off the table.’ jaebum warns, one last time.

‘i’m comfortable.’ jaebum gets up off the couch and walks towards the table. when he reaches the table, he grabs jackson by the ankle and drags him onto the floor.

‘hey dad fuck you why would you do that??????’ jackson yells, laying on the floor.

‘i told you i would shove you off the table if you didn’t move.’ jaebum shrugs.

‘damn babe, that was aggressive.’ jinyoung whistles, looking at jackson still laying on the floor, rubbing his knee.

‘upstairs?’ jaebum asks.

‘hell yeah.’

‘gross.’ youngjae sighs.

double b messaged kiddos

double b: guess who just fucked my dudes

suga: first of all, ew

suga: second it’s jk and yugy

suga: he came and asked for advice today

double b: omfg

hobi: #iconic

jimin: @yugkook

jimin: who bottomed tho

kookie: we’re not answering that

jungkookfucker69: kookie

tae: holy shit

dance king: um

dance king: sorry boo

kookie: blocked & reported

jflawless: there will literally be nothing better than this moment

double b: i mean,

double b: as if yugy’s been able to keep his mouth shut about anything

jimin: this chat is a trainwreck

tae: were you not previously aware of this?

suga: we’ve had this chat for more than a month, you cant be that daft

hobi:  we are talking about jimin here

jimin: hey!!

Chapter Text

At 7:24 on Friday night, Jinyoung was laying on the couch, almost certain that there was somewhere that he was supposed to be. Youngjae sat across from him, chatting mindlessly about his day at school.

‘Was that dinner at the Kim’s this week? Maybe that’s what you’re missing?’ Youngjae questioned his mom.

‘Maybe...’ Jinyoung trails off slightly, pausing to open his phone to look at the calendar. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t put it in. Jin is going to kill me.’

‘I can message the group chat and ask when the dinner was supposed to be?’  Youngjae asks his mom, gesturing to his phone on the side of the couch.

‘this is why you’re my favourite baby.’ Jinyoung gets up and kisses Youngjae on the forehead. ‘i love you kiddo. Now text the Kim’s and see when this dinner is so I can stop stressing.’

sunshine messaged kiddos

sunshine: hey when were we supposed to come over for dinner

sunshine: Jinyoung can’t remember when

sunshine: he says he wasn’t paying attention when Jin set up the dinner and he didnt put it in his calendar

hobi: let me check

hobi: Jin says you guys are supposed to be here in like, 10 minutes

double b: we done fucked up, can yall stall Jin for a lil while

tae: we’ll try our best.

jimin: hurry up tho, i’m hungry

‘Mom, Hobi says that the dinner is tonight. In about 10 minutes.’ Youngjae tells Jinyoung, cringing slightly at Jinyoung’s sudden reaction. Jinyoung carefully stands up, walking to the bottom of the stairs and stops.

 ‘EVERYONE GET DRESSED AND DOWNSTAIRS IN 5. WE HAVE TO GO LIKE NOW.’ Jinyoung yells up the stairs, to all of the kids in their bedroom. He relaxes for a second. ‘CAN SOMEONE TELL JAEBUM, HE’S PROBABLY IN THE MUSIC ROOM!’ a yell of agreement from one of the kids sounds back. Jinyoung quickly rushes up the stairs to his bedroom to get changed.

‘What are we supposed to wear??’ Bambam yells to his Mom, almost five minutes later. He had probably been running around his bedroom trying to find appropriate clothes before asking Jinyoung.

‘something that you wouldn’t mind dying in, if you don’t hurry up.’ Jinyoung yells to Bambam through the walls.

Jinyoung, Jaebum and the kids arrived at the Kim’s house at 7:49, and were quickly ushered in as soon as they got to the front door. Jin didn’t say anything to Jinyoung as they walked in, but he was given a small glare as Namjoon lead them into the dining room where dinner and the kids were waiting.

During dinner, all of the younger kids sat on the end of the table, chatting loudly to each other. Mark and Yoongi, along with the four parents talked significantly quieter, about the two weeks that Jin and Jinyoung spent with the other family.

‘One thing I wanted to ask, Jinyoung, I’ve not seen anything from your wedding. Like we have the photos from ours up in the hallway. I never saw yours in your house.’

‘Oh, we aren’t married.’ The conversation at the end of the table stopped, the Park-Im kids stopped eating to stare at their parents.

‘What did you just say?’ Bambam asked, looking between his two parents at the other end of the table.

‘We aren’t married. We got together and then adopted Mark a year later. We were going to, but Jaebum convinced me to adopt four more kids and we just never had the time. we were still in college at the start, too.’ Jinyoung explains, talking to his kids and the Kims.

‘What.’ Jackson gasps, staring at his parents.

‘We aren’t married.’ Jaebum tells his kids, shoving more food into his mouth.

‘Love isn’t real. how will I ever find love if my own two parents don’t love each other enough to get married.’ Jackson complains.

‘We love each other enough, Jackson, shut up. You’re a hoe anyway.’

‘What the fuck.’ Yugyeom says, still eating.

‘Language.’ Jin scolds the youngest kid at the table. Namjoon and the other Park-Im’s laugh under their breath.

When everyone finished eating, Jin stood up from the table and started picking up dishes. ‘Mark, Youngjae, Jimin baby, I need your help cleaning up in the kitchen. Everyone else, relax, chat. We’ll bring out dessert.’ Jin takes the plates to the kitchen. Mark, Youngjae, and Jimin all stand up too, grabbing dishes off the table, and following Jin into the kitchen.

‘I want to plan Jinyoung and Jaebum’s wedding.’ Jin quietly tells them, as soon as the last kid walks into the kitchen.

‘wait, for real?’

‘i mean, they definitely have the money for it. Namjoon was telling me the other day about how royalties work for songwriters at companies like JYPE. Plus, Jinyoung must be making bank doing his job currently.’

‘true.’

‘so do you reckon that they want to get married?’

‘yeah, of course. They mostly just want an excuse to go on a holiday. It’s been a little while that they have.’

‘I think they would like to be formally married too. You can plan everything?’

‘yeah. I’m good at planning. I can probably get it planned and organised in 3 months or so?’

‘then, start planning.’

‘good idea, mom!’

‘thank you, baby.’

Mark created TOP SECRET DON’T TELL YUG OR THE JJPARENTS

Mark: okay here’s the deal

Mark: Jin wants to plan mom and dad’s wedding

double b: yes bitch lets do it

jflawless: !!!!!!!

Mark: Bambam, you’re on clothes and the registry

Mark: so you need to work out what size mom and dad are, and go get suits made. i’ll give you the emergency credit card

double b: how much can you spend

Mark: the limit is $10000

double b: why haven’t you previously told us about it omg we could have gone shopping

sunshine: that’s exactly why

double b: i suppose you got me there

double b: also um,

double b: what’s a registry

Mark: like a list of things that mom and dad would want as wedding presents

Mark: and i’ll be checking it to make sure you don’t put anything on there for you or Yugyeom

double b: why must you ruin my fun

Mark: because you’re a menace

gourmet mom added rm, Mark, jflawless, sunshine and double b to don’t tell Jinyoung or Jaebum

gourmet mom: so i’m going to have a whole bunch of questions

gourmet mom: i dont know what they like or their aesthetic, so you kids are going to have to ask some sneaky questions to find out what i need to know

sunshine: we’ll do our best!!

gourmet mom messaged DON’T TELL JINYOUNG OR JAEBUM

gourmet mom: i figured that you kids would be in the wedding party but like, who are the best men, and who is bringing the rings, that sort of thing

Mark: youngjae and i will be the best men because we are the favourites. but we’ll have to decide between us

double b: we’ll get back to you soon

Mark, Jackson, Youngjae and Bambam all start to walk downstairs.

‘Wait, grab Yugyeom, they’ll think it’s weird that we all go and he didn’t.’ Mark shoves Bambam back towards his and Yugyeom’s bedroom.

‘alright I’ll be down with him in a second.’ Bambam walks back to his and Yugyeom’s room and stands in the doorway.

‘Yugy, come downstairs, we’re gonna go sit with mom and dad for a while.’ Yugyeom looks up from his laptop to look at his older brother. He sends Bambam a questioning look.

‘why?’ he asks.

‘I’ll tell you later.’ Bambam tells him, walking over to his brother’s bed and grabbing him by the arm. ‘come on, let’s go.’  Bambam drags his brother down the stairs and sits on the couch next to his other brothers and their parents.

‘What do you want?’ Jinyoung asks, not even looking up from the show that he and Jaebum were watching.

‘we just wanted to spend some time with you!’ Youngjae tells them, cuddling up to Jinyoung’s side a little bit.

‘I don’t believe you, but okay.’ They all settle down and turn their attention to the tv show.  

‘Hey, Mom?’ Jackson asks, five minutes after.

‘Yes Jackson?’ Jinyoung sighs, pausing the TV to look at his son.

‘Hypothetically, which son do you-‘ Jackson begins to ask, but is interrupted by Jinyoung.

‘Mark.’

‘You didn’t even know what I was going to say???’ Jackson complains.

‘I’m sorry, honey, carry on.’ Jinyoung sighs again and slumps into the sofa.

‘Which son you think is the most resp-‘ Jackson stops. ‘You know what?’ It’s Mark.’ Mark leans over to Jackson to whisper in his ear.

‘It can’t be me, I’m busy being the best man!’ he whispers.

‘Dad, quick, pick a son.’ Mark looks at his dad.

‘Bambam.’

‘What, seriously?’ Bambam asks.

‘Wow are you going to regret that one.’ Jackson laughs.

‘Why me though?’

‘Honestly I just assumed that it was the one I wanted to leave me alone.’ Jaebum shrugs.

‘Excuse me, you think Bambam is more annoying than me?’ Jackson asks his parents.

‘Don’t worry honey, no one annoys me more than you.’ Jinyoung pats Jackson on the head.

‘Thank you.’ Jackson tells him, smiling slightly. Yugyeom pouts and then gestures to Jinyoung to lean over Jaebum and to him.

‘Mom, what the fuck I thought I annoyed you the most?’ Yugyeom whispered to his mom.

‘You do, baby, just pretend for your brother.’ Jinyoung pats Yugyeom on the head and turns back to the TV, unpausing the show that they we’re watching.

The four kids, minus Yugyeom who was on a date with Jungkook, had been sneaking around the house and their parents’ things, looking for answers to the many questions that Jin had sent them in order to plan the wedding. At least twice, the kids had been left with mental scars after finding a significant number of sex toys and other things that they kids really didn’t want to talk about.  

Finally, after searching for almost an hour, Bambam and Jackson had come across a cardboard box in the bottom of Jaebum’s wardrobe, with thousands of photos in it. Most of the photos were of the kids when they were tiny babies until about three years ago, but one large envelope lay at the bottom of the box that was different. Bambam opened the envelope to find photos of Jinyoung and Jaebum, when they were younger. Jaebum had blonde hair, and the photos were weirdly staged, like they’d been taken in a photoshoot. He showed the photos to Jackson, who looked at them questioningly.

‘What the fuck?’ Jackson asked, shuffling through the photos.

‘Right? They look like modelling shots, but they CLEARLY aren’t, because the fashion is awful, even for 20 years ago.’

‘Let’s go show Mark and Youngjae, they were looking in the storage cupboard.’

Bambam and Jackson put the photos back in the box and shove it into roughly the same place, before walking out of their parents’ room and walking to the large cupboard where Mark and Youngjae were looking.

‘Come with us, we found something weird.’ Jackson tells Youngjae and Mark, gesturing to his and Youngjae’s bedroom. When they all get into the room, Jackson closes the door and looks at Bambam.

‘Okay so get this, there are a whole bunch of photos of Mom and Dad, but they’re professionally taken.’ Bambam takes the photos out of the envelope and hands them to his elder brothers.

‘Like they were models or something?’ Youngjae asks, looking through the photos, frowning slightly.

‘No, definitely not, they look ridiculous. I don’t know what they could have been for, they’re not modelling shots. Maybe for a clothes store or somewhere that sells awful clothes.’

‘Does anyone here actually know how they met?’ Mark asked, looking between his brothers.

‘Wait, you don’t know?’ Bambam asked his oldest brother.

‘No, they never told me. Most of the stories start with them adopting me.’ Mark shrugs.

‘Must be something really lame and embarrassing if they didn’t tell Mark.’

gourmet mom messaged DON’T TELL JINYOUNG OR JAEBUM

gourmet mom: i’m looking at the information you gave me and trying to find a place to have the wedding

gourmet mom: and i realised i don’t know how many people would be coming

mark: uhhhhhhhhh

jflawless: can we get back to you on that?

sunshine: we haven’t ever met any of their friends

double b: so far, there are only four people that aren’t us and those are our grandparents

gourmet mom: well do some more snooping and let me know soon, okay?

‘Okay, Yugyeom is hanging out with Jungkook again today, so I was thinking that we could go to mom and dad’s work and find out who would go to the wedding. Both of them are working at home today, so if we come up with an excuse, they wont know.’ Mark walks into Youngjae and Jackson’s room, holding Bambam by the collar.

‘Bam, Jackson, you go to JYPE and tell the front desk you’re looking for Jaebum’s boss.’

‘because I don’t know the name of anyone he works with.’ Mark rolls his eyes at his younger brother

‘good thinking.’

‘well I’m not an idiot. Youngjae and I will go to Jinyoung’s work because that’s going to be more difficult  and I don’t trust Bambam with that.’

‘totally fair.’

‘Hi, we’re here to see Park-Im Jaebum’s boss.’ The lady at the front desk looks between them, questioningly.

‘He’s our dad.’

‘Oh. What did you say you’re dad’s name was again?’

‘Park Jinyoung.’ Bambam answers, not thinking.

‘Oh, right, of course.’ The receptionist looks a little flustered. ‘These men will take you straight up, I’m sorry.’ The two security guards standing in front of the elevators walk over.

‘Come on, boys.’ One of the men press the button and the elevator opens, bambam and jackson walking in awkwardly.

‘I didn’t know he had kids.’ The guard says, awkwardly, on the way up.

‘Has he never talked about us?’ the two guards shake their heads. Right then, the doors open and the guards step out, gesturing for Bambam and Jackson to follow them. They walk down a hallway, and stop at a double door.

‘Go straight in, he’ll be waiting for you.’ the guard nods towards the door. ‘Have a good day.’

‘thank you!’ Bambam tells the two guards as he walks in. JYP is sitting at his desk, clearly waiting for Bambam and Jackson. The

‘okay I didn’t know I had children, so please explain.’ JYP says to Bambam and Jackson as they walk in. He gestures to two chairs sitting in front of his desk, and they sit down straight away. The doors close behind them.

‘we’re here to see if your employee, Im Jaebum, has any friends here that would be invited his wedding.’ Bambam asks JYP.

‘oh THAT park Jinyoung, sure.’ JYP sits back in his chair.

‘um.-‘ Jackson and Bambam look between each other. ‘how do you know our mom?’ Jackson asks.

‘The were trainees for this company around 20 years ago, they debuted as a duo called JJ Project, but didn’t ever get very big. That’s why Jaebum works here now, because his song writing was good.’

‘what the fuck.’ Bambam says, and then immediately covers his mouth.

‘they never told you?’

‘nah.’

‘They were, something. Write down an email address on a card and I’ll send you their debut album and the music video they made, I’m sure we still have it around here.’ He slides a card and a pen across the desk to Jackson. Jackson scribbles his phone number and email on the card, before handing it back.

‘In terms of people to invite to the wedding, Jaebum isn’t too close with anyone here, because he’s always in the one recording/writing room for hours on end and not talking to anyone. I suppose just the techs in the recording studio and a couple of the other writers. I’ll email you their names along with the video.’

‘thank you so much, this has been very helpful.’

‘now, i’m very busy for the rest of the day, but i’ll be expecting an invitation to the wedding. It’s about damn time, honestly. They’ve been practically married since they were 14.’ JYP stands up and walks towards the door, opening it.

‘of course, Mr Park. Thank you again.’ Jackson and Bambam quickly walk out of his office

jflawless messaged TOP SECRET DON’T TELL YUG OR THE JJPARENTS

jflawless: holy shit have we got something to tell you kids

mark: did you find anyone?

double b: jyp is going to send us a list

double b: but get this

double b: the jj parents

double b: were in an idol group called jj project

double b: who were signed to JYPE but didn’t make anything more than their first album

jflawless: that’s what the photos were, they were promotional pictures for their albeit brief idol careers

mark: holy shit

sunshine: oh my god

sunshine: mom IS pretty good at singing

jflawless: jyp is sending us the album and the music video that they made

double b: i can’t wait

dance king message double b

dance king: yo, what the fuck

dance king: i thought we were bros

double b: what did i do

dance king: jinyoung and jaebum are getting married and you didnt tell me???

double b: well they dont know either, so....

dance king: not the point

dance king: how could you not tell me

double b: because you can’t keep a secret

double b: clearly jungkook is perfect for you because he can’t keep a secret either

double b: and that’s the whole fuckin point

dance king: i can keep a secret

double b: like the time you told mom about the present we were making

double b: like the time you spilt about jackson’s party to jackson

double b: or when you told me jungkook asked you out after you told him not to say anything

dance king: okay fine

dance king: i’ll keep it a secret this time

jflawless messaged kiddos

jflawless: so omg guys guess what

jimin: huh?

jflawless: jinyoung and jaebum were in an idol group when they were teenagers and we just got the video from jype

double b: do any of you want to come over and watch it?

sunshine: we’re waiting for mark to get home so if you all want to come over we can get pizza and watch it?

tae: is jinyoung going to be there?

dance king: nope

jflawless: they went on a date

tae: cool i’m in then

kookie: pussy

tae: you only say that because jinyoung liked you

jimin: not all of us were so lucky

jimin: but i’m in anyway

tae: me too

hobi: same

kookie: of course

suga: i’m in class right now

mark: are you almost done? i’ll pick you up

suga: yeah okay i’ll be there.

Mark, along with Yoongi and the rest of the Kim kids arrive at the Park-Im’s house within the next hour. As they all arrive, they begin chatting and setting up the video.

‘okay, we all ready? The music video is called ‘Bounce.’ It came out in 1997, so we all got to be prepared for some late 90s boyband bullshit.’

‘I’m ready, lets go!’ Jackson presses play on the music video.  

The first 30 seconds of the video passes with silence among the kids, until finally someone speaks.

‘Is Jinyoung... rapping?’ Taehyung asked

‘I have so many questions.’ Mark said, still staring at the music video.

‘What the fuck is Jaebum’s hair?’

‘I can’t believe they ever looked this un-stylish.’ Bambam sighed.

‘Your dad wears bucket hats what were you expecting.’ Jungkook tells him.

‘So does yours.

‘Touche.’

‘Sorry are we going to ignore the fact that your parents are shimmying?’ Jimin asks.

‘I’m honestly too stunned to talk about that right now.’ Jackson sighs, still watching the video, unable to look away.

‘What a bop, though.’ Hobi grins.

‘Yugyeom, you’ve been silent this entire time. what is wrong with you, why aren’t you commenting on the literal best song of the century?’ Bambam asks, turning to his brother.

‘I have an idea.’ He says, slowly.

‘What?’ bambam asks.

‘Well, most of us are dancers right? I think we should learn the choreography and perform this at the wedding.’

‘Um?’ Jackson questions his youngest brother.

‘You’re kidding, right?’ Yoongi asks him.

‘No, get this. We can embarrass them a little bit, but us all working together to learn the song and the choreo, would be a cute little project that they would probably secretly love.’

‘uh-huh.’

‘but mostly the embarrassing part.’ Yugyeom tells them.

‘and Jinyoung won’t murder us?’ Jimin asks.

‘well, we can hope not in front of a bunch of people.’ Jackson grins.

‘are you all considering this? Really?’ Mark asks, looking between the youngest kids of the two families. Various nods and yes’ come from the youngest kids.

‘I’m out. I’m busy at school, plus I don’t want to get on Jaebum’s bad side, I was going to try and get an internship with him next year.’  Yoongi tells them.

‘I’m not doing it either, I’m mom’s favourite and I don’t want to lose that.’ Mark says.

‘everyone else in?’ Jackson asks. They all say yes.

‘Let’s start then. May as well.’

jflawless messaged DON’T TELL JINYOUNG OR JAEBUM

jflawless: hey jin, all of us and most of your kids would like to do a special performance at the wedding.

gourmet mom: well i’m not writing up a schedule for a long time, but i’ll write myself a note to include some time

gourmet mom: what are you performing?

double b: it’s a surprise

double b messaged dance king

double b: hey so mark put me in charge of putting shit on the registry

double b: which apparently is like

double b: we write down what the jjparents want for the wedding

double b: and then people will buy those things for them

dance king: ,,,,,,

dance king: so what you’re saying

dance king:  is that we can get some shit

double b: exactly

double b: so, what do you want?

dance king: a ps4

dance king: oh, and an oculus rift

double b: I want a surfboard

dance king: yo that’d be chill

double b: we should ask the other kids

dance king messaged jflawless

dance king: theoretically if you could get anything that you wanted

dance king: what would it be?

jflawless: i mean??

jflawless: a pool table for the basement. wouldn’t have to go to shady bars to show hot girls my mad game

dance king: done

jflawless: ???????

jflawless: what are you doing?

dance king: nothing!!!!!

jflawless: and a pair of wheelies

jflawless: or light up sneaks, i guess i’d take either

double b messaged sunshine

double b: hey big brother

double b: for no reason at all, is there anything that you want?

sunshine: a new keyboard

sunshine: oh and a cute castle bed for coco

double b: sure, okay!

double b messaged mark

double b: hey, is there anything that you want?

mark: are you asking for the registry?

double b: i mean, yeah. i wanted to find stuff for jinyoung and jaebum but they literally have everything and can afford their honeymoon so like???

mark: okay well i want one of those vacuum things. roombas or whatever. the house doesn’t get vacuumed enough

mark: oh, and a new couch. our one hasn’t been the same since jackson and yugyeom were wrestling on it last time.

double b: anything else?

mark: and like a couple of steam gift cards, there’s a bunch of games i want

double b: alright, we can do that!!!

jflawless added dance king to TOP SECRET DON’T TELL YUG OR THE JJPARENTS

jflawless renamed the chat TOP SECRET DON’T TELL YUG OR THE JJPARENTS

jflawless messaged TOP SECRET DON’T TELL YUG OR THE JJPARENTS

jflawless: hey kiddos, what are we doing for stag parties

jflawless: i had an idea

mark: jin asked about them last week, i’ve been thinking about it but couldn’t come up with anything

jflawless: well arent you lucky to have me then

double b: not really

dance king: you’re sorta annoying sometimes

jflawless: says you, shithead

mark: anyway

jflawless: right, so it’s my 19^th birthday soon

jflawless: what if i plan a ‘birthday party’ to go clubbing and get a party bus or something and take the jj parents and namjin, with the kids who are old enough to go

double b: but what about us, that isnt fair?

sunshine: plus, isnt the point of stag parties to separate the couple and hang out with them independantly?

jflawless: shit

mark: no no, that’s actually a sort of good idea. if you and i, and yoongi and hobi go with mom and jin clubbing or whatever, and then the other kids do something with jaebum and namjoon

dance king: but i want to go clubbing

jflawless: well you can suck it

The remaining Park-Im’s sat in the living room of their house, minutes after Jinyoung, Jackson and Mark left to go clubbing with Jin and the oldest two Kim kids.

 ‘I can’t believe that they’re going out to have a good time and we’re stuck here.’

‘I can’t believe Jackson is doing something on his birthday instead of the usual.’

‘If we go do something, will you all shut up?’

‘what will we do?’

‘maybe we can organise with the Kims to go camping tonight. We could go to the national park. We have all the stuff we would need, I think.’

‘THAT SOUNDS FUN!’ Youngjae smiles at his dad

‘Yeah, let’s do it!’ Yugyeom agrees. ‘i haven’t seen jungkook for a little while.

‘you saw him yesterday.’

‘yesterday morning, though.’

‘you’re the worst.’

‘can we not go camping though, that sounds awful.’

‘three against one, Bambam, we’re going.’ Youngjae pointed out. Bambam sighs loudly and slump into the sofa.

‘well, we have to call namjoon and the kids first, hang on.’ Jaebum picks up his phone and starts dialling Namjoon’s number, walking out of the room. The kids all continue watching the tv, waiting for Jaebum to come back. ‘Okay, Namjoon agreed to come camping. Yugyeom and Jungkook are not to share a tent though.’

‘dammit, dad.’

‘literally no one wants to hear that shit.’

‘we would be quiet!’

‘you’re a hoe. I can’t believe we raised a hoe.’

‘you’re really surprised, knowing Jackson. And Jinyoung, really?’ Bambam asked, making a face at his dad.

‘no, I suppose not. Anyway. All of you need to go pack an overnight bag. I need to go find the tents and shit.’

‘okay dad!’

‘oh, and Bambam. One bag. One outfit, one pair of shoes. No hairdryer, no stuff to style your hair, no jewelry.’

‘but dadddddd.’

‘We’re all going in one car, there isn’t room. Plus, don’t you want to get into nature and unplug from all of that?’

‘no.’ Bambam walks up the rest of the stairs, whinging about the limits that Jaebum had set. Yugyeom, in the bed across from Bambam, had already finished putting his stuff into his bag.

‘I’m gonna go help dad find and pack all of the stuff. Hurry up.’

Bambam opened his shared closet with Yugyeom, and grabbed out his biggest bag, before starting to shove shit into it. When he’s finished packing, almost 20 minutes later, he struggles with it down the stairs and puts it next to the other bags at the front door. He goes and sits back on the couch, playing with his phone.

‘I just got a text from Namjoon, him and the kids aren’t taking their phones because he thinks it’s a good opportunity to unattach them from their phones. I think that we should do that too.’

‘dad, I really think we should take our phones, what if something happens?’

‘nothing will happen, Bambam, now shut up. Did you do what i tell you and not pack all of that shit.’

‘of course, dad, I always listen to what you say.’

‘so you don’t mind me looking in your bag then?’

‘that’s an invasion of privacy, how am i meant to trust you if you go through my things?’

‘Yugyeom, get his bag.’ Yugyeom grabs the bag and opens it, looking in.

‘Bam, you’re the worst.’ Yugyeom proceeds to pull out a hair dryer, two separate outfits, three pairs of shoes, his Nintendo DS, his laptop, three different phone chargers and two different watches.

‘I like to be prepared, sue me.’ Bambam pouts.

‘Well choose one outfit, and one pair of shoes to wear.

‘I’m fine if we leave those ones, I’m wearing the pair I want to take.’

‘Aren’t they the expensive ones?’

‘And?’

‘They might get dirty.’

‘No, they won’t, it’s not like we’re going to invade Russia in the winter.’

‘alright fine. Now everyone, phones on the table, and then take your stuff to the car. We’re picking the Kim’s up on the way there.’ Yugyeom and Youngjae both put their phones down. Bambam hesitates.

‘dad, I think we should check his pockets. And his belt, he puts shit in there sometimes too.’ Yugyeom tells his dad and Youngjae.

‘Yugyeom, you snake.’ Bambam tries to run away, but Jaebum and Youngjae grab him. They work their hands into his pockets, revealing more jewellery, his apple watch and a kindle.’

‘If you have anything else on you, I will murder you and hide your body while we’re away. Jinyoung wouldn’t mind.’

‘I don’t have anything else, chill.’

They arrive in the national park, about 30 minutes, with some snacks and their stuff, ready to hike the short distance to the campground.

‘Dad can you please carry me, I don’t want to get my shoes dirty.’ Bambam asks, looking down at the muddy ground.

‘You should have worn old dirty shoes. I told you they might get messy.’

‘Namjoon, will you carry me?’ Bambam turns to the other adult. He shakes his head, continuing to walk. ‘Jimin, Jungkook?’ they both shake their heads too.

‘Yugy, please. I’ll pay you. I’ll do your laundry for a month. Please.’

‘alright, fine.’ Yugyeom leans down to let Bambam onto his back. ‘you’re the worst.’

‘I didn’t think it was going to be this windy.’ Namjoon muttered.

‘Alright kids, lets set up tents, quickly please.’

‘did anyone check the weather?’ Jimin asks everyone. No one says a word, opting to look around the completely empty camp ground.

‘Well, we’re going to die.’ Jungkook tells them as they pull out their tents and begin to put them together. After twenty minutes, all of the tents were up, and everyone was sat around a fire that wouldn’t start because of the wind.

The group sit and chat, about music and the news and everything in between for almost two hours, snacking on the food that Jaebum bought, as well as Namjoon and Jaebum drinking a few beers each.

The wind makes a particularly scary noise, suddenly, and it starts pouring with rain.

‘we’re actually going to die out here. I haven’t even tried-‘ Yugyeom starts.

‘I’m going to stop you right there. If you say anything sexual, I’m going to murder you.’ Jaebum tells him. Yugyeom stays silent. Everyone shivers, still being rained on heavily.

‘are you able to drive back tonight? I don’t think I can, not in this weather.’ Namjoon grimaces, shaking his head. ‘well fuck. We’re stuck here.’ Jaebum frowns, looking between the drenched kids and the tents which didn’t seem to be doing any protecting from the elements.

‘well well well, how the turntables.’ Bambam says, pulling off his shoe and revealing a flip phone.

‘where the fuck did you get that?’

‘are you selling drugs?’

‘not the time, Jaebum.’ Namjoon puts a hand on Jaebum’s shoulder. ‘We can ask later. Can you please just call Jinyoung and tell him to get us?’ Bambam grins and quickly dials the number, holding it up to his ear.

‘hello, who is this?’

‘it’s Bambam, on my burner phone.’

‘what use do you have for a burner phone?’

‘not the point, we need you to come and get us. We decided to go camping but now it’s raining and we’re all cold. We’re at the national park closest to the house.’

‘why can’t your father drive you?’

‘him and Namjoon had too many drinks.’

‘bitch same. alright, I’ll tell the driver to turn around and come get you. we’ll be there soon. Bye, Bam.’ Jinyoung hangs up.

‘I think Mom’s wasted.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised, honestly.’ Jaebum sighs. ‘alright everyone grab your shit, and we can go to the front, so they can get us straight away. The kids scurry to put their tents back down, and grab their other things.

Exactly half an hour later, a large bus with blacked out windows parks in front of them. The door opens, and loud dance music comes from it.

‘get in losers, we’re going partying.’ Jinyoung yells from inside the bus. They all get in quickly, dragging their things.

‘hey kids. How was your camping trip?’ Jinyoung asks sarcastically, looking between all of them, dripping wet and frowning.

‘damp.’ Youngjae answers. Jackson and Mark laugh at their younger brothers.

‘and none of you checked the weather? What idiots did I raise?’ Jinyoung asks them again.

‘You should all know better. Especially you, Namjoon. Really?’ Jin scolds them. Namjoon looks down at the floor of the bus and doesn’t answer Jin. 

‘anyway, it’s my birthday, everyone stop pouting! There’s sodas in the fridge, come dance, chill!’ Jackson grins and gestures to the fridge. We can ask the driver to turn up the heating so you don’t get sick.’

A song comes on, and Jinyoung stands up, stumbling a little.

‘I love this song!’ he begins to dance, along with Jackson. ‘come on kiddos, dance with me.’ The kids get up hesitantly, to dance with Jinyoung. Eventually, everyone is up and dancing to the music, and having a good time.

After a while, Jin and a few of the other kids sit down and relax, watching the others dance, when Jinyoung starts to pull of the sweater that he was wearing, and pulls up the t-shirt underneath accidentally.

‘mom, is that a tattoo?’ Bambam asks suddenly, staring at Jinyoung’s lower hip.

‘what the FUCK, MOM HAS A TATTOO?’ Jackson yells, running over and looking at Jinyoung’s exposed hip. All the other kids demand to see the tattoo, shocked that their mom has a tattoo.

‘why didn’t you tell us?’

‘it’s really none of your business.’

‘what does it say?’ the kids all stare at the tattoo, trying to work it out.

‘it’s the English word ‘tomorrow.’

‘why do you have the English word tomorrow tattooed on your hip?’

‘Jaebum has one too.’

‘wait what does his say?’

‘today.’

‘We got them on the day we adopted Mark. Because Jaebum, when holding Mark for the first time, Jaebum promised to love me today, as long as I promised to love him tomorrow. We thought it was nice, and we wanted to make a commitment to each other.’

‘why didn’t you just get married?’ Yugyeom asks. Mark and Jackson smack him in the arm, but Jinyoung grins.

‘We were 19, and still in college. We couldn’t afford a wedding, all our money at the time was paying to put Mark in childcare. Plus, we didn’t feel the need to get married, we loved each other enough.’  Jaebum told the kids, looking into Jinyoung’s eyes. Jackson and Bambam pretend to be sick in the corner, and laugh at each other. Jinyoung and Jaebum continue looking at each other.

‘Jaebum, show us your one!’

Jaebum pulls his pants further down, and Jin stares a little bit.

‘why is yours further down that Jinyoung’s?’ Jin asks. Namjoon smacks his husband on the arm

‘stop hitting on Jaebum.’

‘we got them there so they would touch when we hug.’

‘that’s so lame, love IS real guys, never mind about earlier.’ Jinyoung kisses Jaebum on the cheek and sits down next to Jin. he leans over to whisper in his ear.

‘thank you.’

‘for what?’ Jin asks, questioning Jinyoung. Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

‘you know what for.’ Jin gives him a little smile.

Chapter Text

gourmet mom messaged TOP SECRET DON’T TELL JINYOUNG OR JAEBUM

gourmet mom: okay the wedding is in 10 days, we need to have a meeting and make sure everything is organised

mark: jinyoung and jaebum are both working tomorrow afternoon, until about 5 if you can come over before then?

mark: all of us will be home

gourmet mom: yeah, i’ll be there.

gourmet mom: i’ll probably bring a few of the kids too

Jin, and his three youngest sons showed up at the Park-Im house, at exactly 3pm the next afternoon. Mark let them in quickly, settling down at the kitchen table to discuss the wedding and plans over the next week and a half. Yugyeom and Bambam made their way down to the table, sitting next to the Kim’s.

‘Can we get you coffee, or tea or something?’ Youngjae asks their guests, walking down the stairs.

‘I’ll have a coffee.’ Jin smiles at Youngjae.

‘Do you have any biscuits or anything? I’m hungry.’ Jungkook asks.

‘Don’t be rude.’ Jin tells his youngest son, lightly hitting his arm.

‘Sorry, can I please have something to eat?’ Jungkook asks again.

‘Come on, we can find something.’ Yugyeom gets up from the table and Jungkook follows him into the kitchen.

‘Disgusting.’ Bambam says quietly as the couple walk into the kitchen.

‘Bam, do I want to know at all what’s going on with that?’ Jin asks.

‘Probably not, no.’

‘Right, well. We should probably talk about the wedding because I don’t want to think about the horrifying concept that my youngest son is as much of a hoe as I once was.’ Jimin and Taehyung gasp.

‘Mom, you weren’t.’ Jimin looks at Jin, shocked.

‘I was. I’ll tell you all about it one day. I want Hobi to hear.’ Jin tells them. ‘But anyway. We’re not here for that. What do you need to know, Mark?’

‘So who is coming?’ Mark asks.

‘Well. Jinyoung and Jaebum’s work friends all RSVP’d, so they’re coming. A few parents from the PTA that Jinyoung seemed close to last meeting, and most of their kids. And your grandparents, and us.’

‘Which parents from the PTA?’ Jimin questions.

‘Kim Junmyeon and Bae Joohyun.’

‘Wait, Bae Joohyun? As in Selugi’s mom? Chill.’

‘Not chill, Jimin. Why would you invite them?’ Taehyung almost yells. ‘they scare the shit out of me.’

‘I’m pretty sure they kill people.’ Bambam continues.

‘They don’t kill people, Bambam, don’t be silly.’ Jimin stops. ‘they kill men.’

‘All of you are idiots, they don’t kill anyone. Do any of them have plus ones?’ mark rolls his eyes at the younger kids.

‘Absolutely not. If each of them bring a date, that’s like 20 people right there. Your parents are rich, but not rich enough for that.’

‘That reminds me, you said you needed a bit more cash for something?’ Mark asks Jin. Yugyeom and Jungkook walk back into the room, holding hands. Bambam pretends to puke.

‘Yeah, I have to pay the restaurant that’s catering some money by tomorrow. I’ll get it back to you.’ Mark nods. He gets up and goes into the kitchen, grabbing a cereal box from the pantry.

‘There should be about $2500 dollars in here. How much did you need?’

‘$1500. I have the rest.’

‘Cool, okay.’ Mark pulls out 3 bundles of notes and walks back to the table, handing them to Jin.

‘Honestly though, how are you so rich. Like i know Jaebum makes a bit, and Jinyoung is pretty high up, but damn.’ Jinyoung walks into the room, putting his bag down on the table. ‘Hey, Jinyoung, we didn’t hear you coming in.’

‘I manipulated my boss into letting me have his job. And i mean, Jaebum makes more money than we can possibly spend in a lifetime from the royalties that he makes from writing three songs last year.’

‘Shit.’ Jin tells him.

‘Anyway. Can you all go away for a minute, I want to talk to Jin. And by away I mean into your bedrooms.’ The kids slowly get up and walk out of the room.

‘So, what’s up?’

‘I wanted to check how the planning is going?’

‘Planning for what?’ Jin asks.  

‘Don’t be stupid. The wedding.’ Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

‘How do you know about that?’ Jin questions.

‘I heard Yugyeom talking about it on the phone to Jungkook. Anyway I want to go somewhere the night before. If I’m going to get married now we’re doing all of the bullshit.’

‘Of course, Jinyoung. Now that you know, was there anything else that you wanted?’

‘No, I trust your planning. Your wedding was cute and I can imagine you planned all of that.’

‘I did, thank you. how have you seen my wedding photos.’

‘Oh, Namjoon showed me the photo album. He was really cute about it too. That was the day he was wearing the bandana. Damn.’

‘I know, right?’

‘So when’s the wedding?’ Jinyoung asks.

‘This Saturday.’ Jin answers.

‘Wow, okay. I’m getting married. Huh.’ 

‘Why’d you sent the kids out for that?’

‘They’ve been hanging out more and getting along more since they’ve been planning this thing. It’s nice to see them like that.’

‘I don’t know how you’ve managed to convince everyone that you’re evil, but you’r

~~

jaebum messaged jinyoung

jaebum: where are you??

jaebum: the kids are being shady as fuck

jinyoung: what do you mean, shady?

jaebum: well bambam just brought in like, a bunch of suits

jaebum: yugyeom hasn’t spoken a single word in almost 6 hours

jaebum: jackson is working out, which isnt weird, but youngjae is working out with him

jaebum: which is super weird

jaebum: and earlier today, he was practicing the piano for a couple of hours.

jaebum: i haven’t seen mark at all today. and i mean, it’s a friday. he’s always here on friday nights

jaebum: and finally, i haven’t seen you since you left the house this morning

jaebum: what’s going on??

jinyoung: you’re an idiot

jaebum: :(

jinyoung: ........

jaebum messaged jinyoung

jaebum: wait holy shit

jaebum: suits. youngjae playing the piano. mark asking where our passports are like a week ago.

jaebum: you’re not here overnight.

jaebum: we’re getting married tomorrow, huh?

jinyoung: he finally gets it

jaebum: i can’t wait for tomorrow

jinyoung: *pukes, but like, lovingly*

~~

‘Hello, everyone, and welcome to the wedding of Im Jaebum and Park Jinyoung. I’ve known these two since they were 13 years old, and it’s an honour to FINALLY be at their wedding. For those of you who don’t know, Jinyoung and Jaebum were trainees at JYPE, who eventually debuted as a group called JJ Project.’ A significant number of the people in the audience gasped. ‘I know, shocking, right? Scary Park Jinyoung in a boyband, but I promise he was.’ The audience laughs, and Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

‘Okay, so. I wanted to tell you all the story of Jinyoung and Jaebum, and how long awaited this wedding is.

In late 1993, they both auditioned for JYPE. They were accepted and placed into dorms. They started training almost straight away and became the best of friends even faster.

Except, Jinyoung’s feelings for Jaebum were definitely not of the platonic kind. He wasn’t obvious about it either. Most of the staff that worked with the two of them were aware of Jinyoung’s epic crush over the years, and even had bets on how and when they would get together.

In 1996, the pair finally debuted. Unfortunately, although the title track was very popular, the sales of the record weren’t enough to allow them to make another album. And so they the pair of them decided to go to college the year after.  Jaebum, studying music production, and Jinyoung, studying Business marketing.

One day, Jinyoung decided to get over his crush on Jaebum, because if he hadn’t realised by then, then it was useless to continue to hope that something would happen. He went on a date, a really terrible one, with a guy from one of his classes.

Of course, Jinyoung got home to his shared apartment with Jaebum and told his best friend all about the worst date in the history of awful dates. When Jinyoung finished the story, Jaebum just leaned over to his best friend of five years and kissed him. Knowing Jinyoung, he probably called Jaebum an idiot, and continued to kiss him.

Jinyoung and Jaebum have been together ever since.

Since then, Jinyoung and Jaebum adopted five kids, and been together for more than 20 years, without an official wedding, or a honeymoon, or anything of the kind. Now is a good time.

Without further ado, I think that Jinyoung and Jaebum should say a few words, and we can do this marriage thing properly. Jinyoung, do you have anything to say?’ JYP finishes his speech, and looks towards the two men in front of them.

‘Jaebum. I love you, today, tomorrow, and forever. I’m so glad we got to spend the last 20 years together, and contractually, the next 50 or so. That’s all you’re getting, this has been sappy enough.’

‘Wow thanks, I love you too. Really though, I’ve been with you longer in my life than I haven’t, and I’m glad that I chose you. I’m glad that you had a crush on me, even when I was blonde and dressed like I did.’

‘I mean, I still don’t like the way you dress. You look like a barbecue uncle.’ Jinyoung interjects.

‘thanks. ANYWAY. I’m upset that I didn’t get to propose to you-‘ Jaebum stops and looks over at his kids, glaring playfully, ‘but I suppose that doesn’t really matter when we have the rest of our lives. And who knows, maybe after.’

‘god, I don’t want to deal with you for that long.’

‘mom, dad, now is really not the time.’ Jackson reminds his parents.

‘Oh right, wedding. Carry on, JYP.’ Jaebum says.

‘I mean, you pretty much said it all. Rings?’

‘I have them.’  Bambam reaches into his pocket and pulls out the two boxes.

‘Jesus, you let Bambam look after them?’ Jaebum asks his eldest son.

‘we told you that you would regret that decision.’ Jackson tells them

‘fuck, you right.’

‘Well, by the power invested in me, by whoever gave me power, I declare you both married. You may kiss, but only a little bit because I don’t want you to scar the kids.’ Jaebum and Jinyoung share a quick kiss, and then pull away.

‘Husband.’ Jaebum grins at his new husband. ‘I love you so much.’

‘Don’t be lame, but also same.’

‘Well, everyone. That’s that bit done. Come up and congratulate the happy couple, and then make your way over to the other side of the lake, where we have tables set up. Dinner will be in an hour and a half, but until then, there’s an open bar and some lovely company to entertain you all while we get some photos taken!’ JYP tells the crowd. ‘Now, let’s party!’

~~

‘How did you even know the story? We didn’t even know.’ Jackson asks JYP.

‘Jaebum told me at the work Christmas party about 3 years ago.’

‘And you remembered?’

‘Honestly I wrote it down for blackmail.’

‘Thanks, JYP.’

~~

‘Alright, so finally, we have a performance from the kids. And some of my kids, so I’ve heard. So take it away! Give them a round of applause!’ Jin announces. All of the kids besides Mark and Yoongi shuffle up onto stage, Jackson walking up to the microphone.

‘So, um, as many of you now know, our parents were in a boyband. About two months ago, Bambam and I came across some photos, which eventually lead us to find the song and music video of JJ Project called Bounce. And we, as a talented group of singing and dancing kids, would like to perform that song for you.’

‘Did you show them?’ Jinyoung asked his new husband.

‘No?’

‘I did!’ JYP yells across a few tables.

‘Thanks JYP.’ Jinyoung and Jaebum both sigh.

‘Anyway. We hope you enjoy this and pray that Mom and Dad wont murder us in our sleep.’

‘We love you, please don’t murder us.’ Bambam adds, before they get into their positions on stage.

-2 minutes later-

‘I think we should definitely kill them.’ Jaebum whispers to Jinyoung as the kids perform their song.

‘We’ll wait until we get back from our honeymoon. I’m having too much of a good time now.’

‘Agreed.’

~~

As the reception progressed, Jinyoung and Jaebum were getting drunker and drunker, sitting at their table with the kids and both of their parents.

‘So, Dad. Embarrassing stories about Mom, please.’

‘Oh, I have so many. When Yugyeom first called Jinyoung mom, he cried for like an hour.’

‘Bitch I trusted you.’ Jinyoung smacks his new husband on the arm. ‘I’ll tell them about the mug.’

‘no, okay I won’t say anything else. sorry, love you.’

‘The mug?’ Youngjae asks.

‘Nothing, kiddo.’

~~

‘Wait, so when did you find out about the wedding?’ Jackson asks his parents.

‘I knew a couple of days after the dinner that we had at the Kim’s house. Maybe a week later tops.’ Jinyoung shrugs, taking a sip of his drink.

‘So like the entire time?’ Yugyeom asks.

‘Yeah basically.’

‘How is it possible that you’ve known since the start, basically, and dad only worked it out yesterday?’

‘Kids, your dad is a moron. I had a crush on him for years before he got the hint.’

‘You had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing.’

‘We’re married.’ Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

‘Yeah, we are.’ Jaebum answers, smiling at Jaebum.

‘I think I’m going to puke.’ Jackson complains.

~~

Jackson, Bambam, and Hobi, as well as three of the Kim-Wu kids stared across the room at the Bae girls, trying to work out how to talk to them.

‘Has anyone been able to talk to any of the Bae girls yet?’ Chanyeol asks, staring over at them. They seem uninterested, picking at their fingernails and chatting quietly amongst themselves.

‘Oh, Youngjae was talking to them earlier. Oh and he’s going back. I’m gonna see if I can go over there. Joy has been looking so cute lately with her new haircut.’ Jackson told the table.

‘Be careful, Baekhyun heard from someone last week that Seulgi punched some dude in the face for hitting on Joy.’  Jackson nodded and got up from the table.

‘Hey girls. Having fun?’ Jackson asks after approaching their table slowly.

‘Don’t talk to us.’ Wendy tells Jackson, without even looking up from her nails.

‘Alright sure.’ Jackson walks back to the table with the boys and sighs, sitting back down.’

‘Good work.’ Baekhyun grins and slaps Jackson on the back.

‘Shut up, she was vicious.’

‘I’ll try.’ Chanyeol gets up from the table and gets halfway over to the table before Seulgi looks over briefly and mouths the word ‘no.’ he quickly turns around and goes back to the table.

‘Why is Youngjae so fucking good at this. I’m cute and like dogs.’ Jongdae complains, staring at him across the room, animatedly chatting with the girls. He says something and gets up from the table, and walks towards one of the other tables. Jackson quickly yells for his younger brother to come over to the table.

‘Oh hey, Youngjae, how do we talk to the girls? They keep telling us to go away.’ Bambam asks his brother.

‘They’re pretty normal girls. Just be nice.’

‘okay. Well do you think you could introduce us?’ Chanyeol questions.

‘No no, they wont talk to you, they’ll kill you.’

‘What if I take Coco?’

‘I mean, you can try. Probably won’t work.’ Youngjae says. ‘but by all means, try it.’ Youngjae gives coco’s lead over to Jongdae, who walks straight over to the girls table. While he approaches, all the girls hand some money over to Seulgi.

‘What’s all the money for?’

‘We were betting on which one of you idiots would come over next.’  Seulgi answers, putting the money into her bag.

‘Oh okay. Well can I sit?’

‘Do you have any reason why we should say yes?’

‘Um. I brought the dog.’

‘Leave the dog. Bye.’ 

~~

‘So, Jinyoung and Jaebum. You’re going to the Bahamas for your honeymoon. Unfortunately we couldn’t get you a flight until tomorrow, so you’re gonna go back to your house, and the kids are gonna stay at mine and Junmyeon’s house while you’re gone. Tonight too, so you can uh, have the house to yourselves.’ Jin tells the newly married couple.

‘it’s not like it would matter anyway, they would do it whether we were there or not.’ Yugyeom rolls his eyes.

‘you’re god damn right.’ Jaebum tells his youngest son.

~~

While the wedding was  beginning to wind down, Jin was still running around, trying to get stuff done and organised, as well as checking on everything. Finally, Namjoon managed to convince him to sit down and have a drink.

‘I’m so tired. Why did I agree to do this again? I remember our wedding.’

‘I know you’re tired, babe. But everything is done, you can sit down, have a drink. Jinyoung and Jaebum look like they’re having the time of their lives. The happiest I have ever seen them.’ Jin drains his glass of champagne and puts it back down on the table. Namjoon takes another off a passing waiter’s tray and puts it down in front of his husband.

‘I love you, Namjoon. So much. Thank you for putting up with my crazy, I can’t imagine my life without you or the kids.’

 ‘I love you too. Now come on, have another drink. You don’t get to drink good Moët for free all that often.’

-about 4 drinks later-

‘So, mom, what was your wedding like?’ Hobi asks his mom.

‘Pretty... Namjoon looked so handsome. I wanted to skip the reception because I couldn’t wait to take his suit off him.’

‘Mom, ew.’

‘Don’t ew me. You kids are all disgusting too. Dont think I don’t know about all of your.... hijinks. Anyway, we had an amazing time at our wedding. We drank far too much and passed out, and it was beautiful and everyone we cared about was there. i want to have another wedding.’

‘Well, our anniversary is coming up.’

‘Fuck, let’s get married again. I love you so much.’

‘Mom, language.’

‘If you want to live another day, i suggest you be quiet. Go hang out with the kids.’

‘Which one?’ Jungkook asks.

‘All of you.’ the kids all slowly get up and make their way over to various tables around the room.

‘You’ve spent a lot of time with jinyoung recently.’ Namjoon observes, taking a sip of his drink.

‘I know, i’m sorry. I’m drunk.’ Jin leans over and places his head on his husband’s shoulder.

‘No, i like you being a bit more... aggressive.’

‘Oh. You know you could have just said that.’

‘Do you think the kids will be alright on their own for a night soon? I want to go out to one of those nice restaurants again.’

‘I just reviewed a really nice Italian place the other day, we could go there and then stay at a fancy hotel?’

‘Perfect. I can’t wait.’

~~

‘Bambam, I’m only going to say this once.’ Jinyoung tells Bambam. A long silence follows.

‘Say what once?’ Bambam finally asks, breaking the silence.

‘... I was giving you time to get out your phone to record it.’ Jinyoung tells him.

‘Oh right.’ Bambam reaches into his pocket and quickly gets out his phone.’

‘You did really well with the suits. They look really good.’ Jinyoung says.

‘Oh my god, Mom thanks, I love you, that’s all I ever wanted to hear.’ Bambam almost jumps onto Jinyoung’s lap, hugging him.

‘Get off me.’ Jinyoung shoves Bambam off him after a few seconds.

‘I mean, the only problem is that Jinyoung’s suit is white. It looks good, but I mean... He’s not a virgin.’ Jackson adds.

‘Hey, I haven’t had sex with Jaebum for more than 24 hours, that’s a lot for me.’

‘Bitch, I feel you.’  Yugyeom agrees. Everyone at the table looks at the youngest kid, horrified.

‘I don’t even want to know what you mean by that Yugyeom, you’re 15.’ Jinyoung’s mother smacks him upside the head.

‘Nothing, grandma.’ Yugyeom answers, shying away from his mom and grandma.

‘I better hope you mean nothing by that, Yugyeom.’

‘Where are these kids staying while you both are away? You better not be leaving them at home. I love my grandchildren but I don’t trust any of them alone in that house.’

‘Mark is staying at home, Youngjae and Jackson are staying at Jin and Namjoon’s place, and Yugyeom and Bambam are staying at Junmyeon’s place, I think.’

‘Junmyeon has enough kids, why are you sending him two more for almost a month?’

‘well, Yugyeom is dating Jungkook now, and I don’t think Jin would want them in the same house for an extended period of time. and I mean, Yixing and Minseok moved out this year, so there’s space forr them. We’ll give them some cash.’

‘you better be giving Junmyeon a lot of money to deal with those two.’ Jinyoung’s mom points to Bambam and Yugyeom.

‘I mean, I’m offended, but you aren’t wrong.’ Bambam shrugs.

~~

jinyoung messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

jinyoung: i know i complained about you inviting so many people to the wedding

jinyoung: but it’s all good because they bought us so much shit

jinyoung: besides the stuff that you all clearly wanted, they bought some nice dishes and shit

jinyoung: it’s awesome

jinyoung: that shit from mean girls about people buying you things when they’re scared of you is totally true

bambam: you’re welcome, mom

jinyoung: i should have known that

jflawless: i love you and dont want to talk about it, but shouldnt you and dad be marathon boning right now?

jinyoung: we did for a while, and now we’re drinking wine and opening our presents

jaebum: we put all of your ones on your beds.

jaebum: except the surfboard because we couldn’t decide who that belonged to

double b: it’s mine and yugyeom’s

jinyoung: fuck you jaebum i told you

jflawless: did you think it was mine?

jaebum: yeah.

jinyoung: anyway i’m gonna go bone your father again

jinyoung: seeya

dance king: i hate this family so much

jaebum: us too fuckfaces. we’ll see you tomorrow before our flight. love you all

dance king: <3

mark: <3

sunshine: <3

double b: <3

jflawless: <3

Chapter Text

Game night with the Kim Family, 2017

‘We should play Just Dance after dinner.’ Jin tells his husband and kids.

‘Mom, no. We all know how that went last time.’ Taehyung groans, remembering the Just Dance Incident of 2016.

‘I think we’ve all matured since then. You’re all old enough to play a game without cheating or hurting each other on purpose.’

‘Mom, I was going to play Overwatch tonight...’ Jungkook complains, sitting back in his chair.

‘That’s just too bad, Kookie, I suppose I will win Just Dance again and again. It’s a shame that my kids just aren’t as talented as me at dancing...’ Jin trails off, clearly trying to convince the kids to play with him. It works, because Jungkook immediately sits up and looks over to Jin.

‘You’re on, mom. I can’t believe you think you’re better than I am.’

~~

‘Jimin, it was an accident, I swear.’ Jungkook says, looking over at Jimin, who is sitting on the floor. Taehyung and Hobi standing next to him holding an ice pack to his head.

‘So what, you just happen to hit me in the head with your Wiimote at the last second when I’m winning?’ Jimin asks, rubbing his forehead.

‘It was an accident!!!’ Jungkook tries to tell him again.

‘NO IT WASN’T!’ Jimin yells at his youngest brother.

                                                                                                  //

JJ Parent’s Honeymoon, 2018

 ‘You know Yugyeom’s dumb ass would love that waterslide.’ Jaebum says to his new husband, watching a bunch of kids going down the huge waterslide across from the pool.

‘What a fucking idiot. I miss him.’ Jinyoung sighs, taking a sip of his cocktail.

‘You don’t think he can feel it, do you?’ Jaebum asks. ‘Like that we’re thinking about him, I don’t want him to know that I miss him.’ Jinyoung rolls his eyes at Jaebum and leans back in the chair.

‘Jaebum sometimes I truly believe you are the biological father of these children. They’re almost as dumb as you.’

‘Thanks, dear.’

~~

Jinyoung and Jaebum found themselves at a street market, looking through all of the handmade clothes. Neither would admit it, but they were looking for souvenirs for the kids.

‘Oh my god, look at this shirt. It’s hideous.’ Jaebum pulls a shirt off the rack and shows Jinyoung.

‘it screams Bambam, let’s buy it.’ Jinyoung pauses momentarily, thinking. ‘Let’s also get one for Jackson so he has to pretend to like it.’

‘You’re so mean, I love you so much.’

‘Thanks, I guess you’re alright’

//

gourmet mom messaged mark

gourmet mom: this is the fourth time this week that tae has come home talking about you

gourmet mom: mark this and mark that

gourmet mom: can you stop flirting with my son??

mark: i’m not flirting with your son

mark: we just get along really well

gourmet mom: read: flirting

mark: like you can talk tho

mark: you  flirt with my brother all the time

gourmet mom: no i don’t!!

mark: you added him on snapchat

gourmet mom: i’ll have you know he posts great fitspo pics

mark: shirtless

gourmet mom: okay fine

gourmet mom: i’ll stick to flirting with your dad then

mark: fine, thank you

mark: wait no don’t

//

Jackson Wang and the Tinder Incident ™, 2017

Mark was casually sat in one of his university’s libraries studying, when one of the girls in his class walks up to him.

‘Hey, is this you in this kid’s tinder profile?’ she turns her phone to Mark, to show him the Tinder profile of Jackson. The photo in question, was after one of his fencing competitions where he was walking around shirtless in the locker room after, and Mark happened to be in the background talking to their parents.

‘Yeah, that’s my younger brother. Can I have a look at his profile?’

[Tinder Profile]

Mark hands the phone back, barely able to control his laughter.

‘Can you please send me a screenshot of that and all the pictures. I want to show my Mom.’

‘Sure thing, Mark. Hey, have you done the readings for Oh’s class?’

‘Honestly didn’t know there was one. Thank you so much for the screenshots, my mom will actually die laughing.’

~~

mark messaged jinyoung

mark: hey mom

mark: jackson has tinder

jinyoung: omg

mark: here

mark: [screenshot]

mark: [screenshot]

mark: [screenshot]

mark: [screenshot]

jinyoung: i chose the right favourite

jinyoung: i’m gonna text these to jaebum and print out a bunch of copies

jinyoung: what time are you gonna be home?

mark: i’ve finished my classes now, i was just gonna study for a while but this is so much better

jinyoung: get home quickly the shitheads will be home in an hour and a bit.

mark: omw

~~

Mark, Jaebum and Jinyoung are all sitting at the kitchen table when the kids arrive home from school.

‘Hey, mom, dad, mark. What’s up?’ Jackson asks, walking over and putting his bag down.

‘We discovered something interesting today, Jackson.’

‘should we go upstairs?’ Youngjae asks his parents, looking concerned.

‘No, you should all definitely stay for this. Come, sit down.’ The kids all hesitantly walk over and sit down at the table. Jinyoung pulls out a stack of papers and hands one to each of the kids. They all look down at the printed screenshot and start laughing. Jackson gets up from the table.

‘Gotta blast.’ He starts walking quickly to the stairs.

‘if you go up to your room, you’re grounded for two weeks. We just wanna talk.’ Jackson sits back down at the table and sinks into his chair.

‘I just wanted you all to know how incredibly lame your brother is.’

‘How did you even get these???’

‘A girl in my class saw me in the background of a photo and asked me about it.’

‘Well fuck. Are we done here? I have homework and want to drown myself in the bath.’

‘sure, Jackson. You can go. But I’m framing this and putting in the hallway.’

‘Mom, please don’t.’ Jinyoung just smirks at his son.

‘Alright, homework, kids. Not all of you can get by on just your talent and good looks. You all need to get real jobs.’

~~

A week later, Jinyoung had managed to steal Jackson’s phone and was sat on the couch with Jaebum, trying to unlock it.

‘Let me try.’ Jinyoung hands Jaebum the phone, who swiftly types in the code 6969, and the phone unlocks.

‘I don’t know if I’m more concerned about you coming up with that code, or him honestly.’ Jaebum hands the unlocked phone over to Jinyoung.

‘what are we gonna do with this?’

‘Well first, change his Tinder photos to the photo of him with the bad haircut from 2013. And then we’ll have a look around.’

~~

‘What have we released onto this wretched Earth?’ Jinyoung says as he scrolls through messages of Jackson sexting a girl from Tinder.

‘He gets good grades and is a champion fencer of his age group. Aren’t you being a little harsh?’

‘Yeah, I suppose.’ Jinyoung sighs.

‘Plus I’m not going to lie, I’m a little bit proud.’ Jaebum adds. Jinyoung softly hits his arm.

‘Oh, now I get it, YOU’RE the reason they’re fuckbois.’

‘I think it was a joint effort.’

~~

Jinyoung and Jaebum were in the middle of Snapping Yugbam and Jackson’s other friends when the phone started ringing with a call from Youngjae.

‘Jackson’s phone?’ Jinyoung asks, sarcastically.

‘mom, get the fuck off my phone and stop messaging my friends.’

‘you’re literally in the house, stop being so extra and just come tell me.’ The phone hangs up, and seconds later, Jackson is standing in front of Jinyoung and Jaebum in the living room.

‘Give me back my phone. What about my privacy, mom? Did you think about how this could scar me for life. What if I can never trust anyone again?’

‘If you were so concerned about privacy, you should have used a better password.’ Bambam and Yugyeom, who were sitting at the table doing homework, both pull out their phones and change their passwords. ‘I thought we told each other everything in this house, Jackson, I’m disappointed.’ Jackson rolls his eyes.

‘How did you even get into my phone?’

‘Really unimaginative password, kiddo.’ Jaebum tells him.

 ‘Oh also, Jackson that girl who says that she’s a fencing medallist, she’s catfishing you.’

‘How would you know?’

‘Because as if a girl that hot would be interested in you.’

‘How would you even know she’s hot?’

‘Why did we adopt so many boys. They’re so stupid. Girls would have been so much better. Just look at Irene’s kids.’

‘Bitch you right.’

//

Best Father Mug, Park-Im Family, 2014

On Mother’s day of 2014, the kids had bought Jinyoung a mug. Not just any mug, a cheap mug from the closest convenience store to the Park-Im house, that had proudly proclaimed Jinyoung ‘Best Mom Ever.’ As much as Jinyoung and Jaebum both had a taste for the more expensive things in life, both parents had appreciated the gift, naming Jinyoung the best mom. Jaebum figured that he would be getting a similar mug for father’s day, a couple of months later.

Except he didn’t, because that Father’s Day, Jinyoung was once again, given a mug, that this time said ‘Best Dad Ever.’

Jaebum did not find this fair at all. How dare they give Jinyoung both. Was he not a good dad?

‘That’s not fair, where’s my mug??’ Jaebum finally says at dinner that night, after managing to be silent on the topic all day.

‘We thought you wouldn’t appreciate as much as Mom would. We have a different present for you, it just hasn’t arrived yet.’ Jackson tells Jaebum. Jaebum sighs quietly, and goes back to moping over his dinner.

~~

Three days later, Bambam and Yugyeom were sitting at the table doing their homework when Jaebum got home.

‘Hey dad! Jinyoung isn’t home yet, can you help us with this homework?’

‘I’d love to, but unfortunately I’m not the best Dad so no, fuck you.’ Yugyeom and Bambam look up at each other. and go back to their homework. Jaebum puts his things down on the table and goes straight upstairs to his studio.

‘We messed up.’ Yugyeom sighs, watching his dad stomp up the stairs.

~~

‘It’s been two weeks and Dad is still upset. You all need to fix it, I told you he wouldn’t find it funny.’  Mark tells his younger brothers, rolling his eyes.

‘It’s alright, I’ll fix it. Can I borrow some money?’ Yugyeom asks his oldest brother. Mark complains briefly but hands Yugyeom over some money. ‘Thanks Mark. Bam and I will be back soon.’

~~

During dinner that night, Yugyeom and Bambam are waiting for a good time to talk to their dad, who is still sulking about the mug.

‘Hey, dad. We bought you something!’ Yugyeom and Bambam grab a bag from the floor, and hand it to Jaebum. Jaebum takes a box out of the bag and puts it down on the table.

‘what’s this?’ Jaebum asks.

‘We felt bad that you didn’t find our joke very funny, so we bought you something to make you feel better.’ Jaebum opens the box to reveal a mug, that has the words ‘Best Daddy in the World’ emblazoned across it. Jinyoung almost instantly starts laughing harder than the kids had seen in a long time.

When he finally stops, he quietly says ‘Oh, I agree.’ The older kids cringe.

‘You two are the worst.’ Mark turns to his youngest brothers.

‘Isn’t daddy father in English?’ Yugyeom asks. Mark facepalms.

~~

At dinner the next Father’s day, Youngjae hands both parents a box each.

‘Mom, dad. I bought you both something from all of us.’ Jinyoung and Jaebum both hesitantly unwrap the boxes, to reveal mugs that say ‘Both My Dads are the Best in the World.’

‘And you fuckfaces wonder why he’s our favourite.’

//

How Namjin forgot the kids, 2017

‘The house is so quiet this afternoon.’ Jin sits down on the couch next to his husband.

‘I know, where are the kids?’ Namjoon asks.

‘.....’ Jin stares at Namjoon briefly. ‘I thought you were going to pick them up from school?’

‘I thought YOU were going to pick them up?’

‘....... I’ll be back.’ Namjoon jumps off the couch and runs to the door, grabbing the keys. ‘Sorry, love you.’ Namjoon closes the door behind him.

//

How Bambam became Bambam (sorta) Park-Im family, 2014

The Park-Im family were sitting in their living room at 3pm, watching a movie together

‘Did you name him Youngjae because it’s a combination of your names?’ Yugyeom asks. Jaebum pauses the movie and looks over at Jaebum.

‘Why didn’t you call me Jinbum then?’

‘Because that’s a stupid name.’ Bambam says.

‘As if bambam isn’t just as stupid.’ Jackson adds.

‘Bambam isn’t my real name though.’

‘What do you mean that it isn’t your real name?’

‘What is his real name?’ Jaebum whispers to Jinyoung.

‘I don’t remember, that’s why we call him Bambam.’ Jinyoung answers.

‘You know it, right Yugyeom?’ Yugyeom frowns and shakes his head. ‘I hate all of you. how do you not even know my name?’ Bambam gets up and storms out of the room.

‘Well there’s no need to be dramatic about it.’

‘You literally forgot his name.’

‘Well so did you.’

(The Park-Im’s spend the rest of the day guessing random names. None of them get it right.)

//

Yoongi and his family of stalkers, Kim family, 2015

tae created where in the world is kim yoongi?

tae added jimin, hobi, kookie and rm

tae:  hey have any of you seen yoongi?

rm: doesn’t he have class right now?

jimin: he said he did, but tae and i checked his schedule and he doesn’t have a class today at all

rm: um.

rm: i have no idea

hobi: and he’s not recording anything right now?

rm: no, definitely not.

tae: well next week, i’m going to follow him and see what he gets up too.

~ the next week ~

tae messaged where in the world is kim yoongi

tae: so far, he’s just met up with a bunch of different friends that i’ve never seen before

tae: and then i lost track of him because he kept just walking around the mall, going up and down the escalators.

tae: i’m pretty sure he went in and out of every store in the mall without buying anything except coffee

hobi: weird

rm: he’s up to something

kookie: can i follow him next week?

jimin: sure as long as i can follow him the week after

~ the week after that ~

kookie messaged where in the world is kim yoongi

kookie: so i’ve followed him onto three trains

kookie: he’s just riding them end to end and then getting on another one.

jimin: what a weird dude

tae: he must be up to something

rm: i mean, he hasn’t said anything to your mom and i

rm: maybe he just wants to spend some time alone?

rm: this is a bit of a crazy house sometimes

jimin: ......

hobi: nah

tae: maybe next week he’ll reveal his master plan

jimin: i hope so, that would make for a fun afternoon

~ another week later ~

hobi messaged where in the world is kim yoongi

hobi: any updates, jimin?

jimin: he just spent the last 30 minutes throwing coins into a fountain

jimin: like so many that i’m wondering how he possibly could have collected that many

kookie: i don’t want to say it, but i think he’s a psychopath

jimin: what does that have to do with anything?

kookie: for all we know, he drowned some guy in that fountain and he’s paying for his sins with the coins

tae: if his sin is killing a dude, he’s gonna need a lot of coins

jimin: shitshitshitshit i’ve been spotted

tae: good luck comrade

-10 minutes later-

rm: updates?

jimin: can all of you stop following me now?

jimin: it’s been fun to fuck with you but i just want to hang out by myself for a while -yg

rm: not to brag but i told yall

tae: alright dad we get it

jimin: yoongi and i will be home in about an hour

rm: have fun!!

Chapter Text

Christmas with BTS

‘Kids, it’s the 30^th. Everyone downstairs, in a good mood. Tae and Jimin, could you please make everyone hot chocolate?’ Jin yelled up the stairs to his kids. On the 30^th of November, the Kim family put up their Christmas tree. Their first Christmas as a family all seven of them, took place years ago, and the kids helped Jin put up the tree and decorate it. They were a family before, of course, but that day was special. So they do it every year, taking turns picking the movie and drinking hot chocolate, while putting up the tree.

The kids all rush downstairs, Taehyung and Jimin heading straight for the kitchen. The rest of the kids make their way into the living room, as Namjoon brings in the box of decorations from the garage.

‘we’re watching Elf.’

‘We watched that last year!’

‘what about die hard?’

‘Hobi, we have discussed this time and time again, die hard is not a chhristmas movie.’

‘fine. What about love actually?’

‘perfect! Taehyung has the right idea!’ the kids roll their eyes and groan a little, but otherwise stay silent. ‘oh, Tae honey can you please bring me the bottle of wine from the bench?’ Jin yells out to his son.  Tae and Jimin come out from the kitchen minutes later, holding seven mugs of hot chocolate on a tray, with an extra wine glass and the new bottle of red. ‘thanks so much, honey. Everyone ready?’

Namjoon puts on the movie, and then walks over to the box of decorations. He picks up a small box of baubles, and opens it, putting it down on the coffee table. Next to all the other decorations, to decide which ones are going on the tree this year.

‘be careful  with those babe, I don’t want to break them.’ Namjoon nods, and takes more stuff out of the box, putting it next to the box of baubles, and immediately knocking them over. One falls to the floor, and smashes. Jin puts his head in hand for a second, and then pats the chair next to him.

‘you’re on time out. Come sit with me.’

‘good one, dad.’

‘don’t be mean to your father, you know he can’t control his limbs.’

‘hey!’ the kids fall into their usual pattern of getting the tree decorated. Jimin and Taehyung are sitting on the chair drinking their hot chocolate, and directing Hobi and Jungkook on where things go on the tree, and what things go on. Yoongi is too focused on the movie to be paying any attention, but looks up every now and again to make sure it looks good.

RM messaged Bangtan Boys

RM: hey Jin we all love you

Gourmet mom: what do you have to say

RM: dont you think that we’ve decorated the house enough?

Gourmet mom: we haven’t beat the other Kim’s down the street yet

Suga: there are far more of them than us tho. 10 kids, remember?

Jimin: they don’t even do it themselves, they hire someone to do theirs.

Gourmet mom: okay fine

Gourmet mom: time for baking then

Tae: MOM NO

-

‘Honey, don’t you think that’s enough mistletoe?’ Namjoon arrives home from work, and kissing Jin on the cheek, who is standing on a chair in the living room putting mistletoe up on the doorframe.

‘no, there needs to be another one on the doorway to the kitchen.’ Jin answers, distractedly.  

‘why are you so adamant that we put mistletoe up?’ Namjoon asks, settling down on the kitchen table, but still watching his husband put up the mistletoe.

‘Yugyeom and Youngjae are coming over to bake cookies in an hour,  and I’m making sure that Yugyeom and Jungkook stay together, he’s such a nice boy, and Jungkook is not likely to find someone as good again. He’s nasty, as the kids say.’

‘he’s really not that bad.’ Namjoon argues.

‘dad’s right, kook has been okay lately.’  Jimin walks into the kitchen and sits down across from his dad.

‘its not bad for me to want Jungkook to have the best life. With the park-im’s money, Yugyeom will be more than able to provide for the family.’ Namjoon and Jimin look up at Jin, waiting for him to laugh or crack a smile, but nothing comes.

‘are you saying that you want Jungkook to marry rich?’ Namjoon asks, laughing.

‘only if he loves them.’ Jin answers as he gets off the chair, and moves it to the kitchen doorframe.

‘MOM!’  Jimin yells at his mom. Jin shrugs as he gets back up on the chair to put up more mistletoe.

-

Christmas eve was usually a busy time for the Kim’s. they had many traditions, which make up the kid’s perfect Christmas eve. Jungkook’s activity was first, which was going ice skating in the afternoon Their neighbourhood had an outside rink set up only two blocks down, which is where they went every year. Yugyeom came with them ice skating, and the couple skated around in the cold, going home and drinking hot chocolate.

Next was Jimin’s tradition. After the ice skating, the kids all warmed up by sitting and watching a movie, while Jimin and Jin baked cookies for them all. Jimin and Jin often competed as to the most creative but delicious cookies, as well as some for the local neighbourhood and the homeless people.

Then, they go to the local homeless shelter, as per Hobi’s request, and helped feed the homeless people, and distributing blankets, and even giving them the cookies that Jin and Jimin had just baked. When Hobi was adopted, his birth mother was homeless, and stayed in the shelter near their house. Although his mother was long gone, Hobi wanted to help the other people in that situation. And so they went every year, ever since the first year that he was adopted by the Kim’s.

After Hobi’s activity, they go around the neighbourhood carolling. Tae loves singing to the people that live around him, especially the kids two doors down who join in singing, and sometimes even come carolling to the other houses around them.

Finally, they all drive around the neighbourhood, looking at the Christmas lights. Yoongi loved the Christmas lights, because the reminded him of a memory that is long gone, but that Yoongi feels like he should remember.

-

On Christmas eve, at around 11:30pm, Jin rounded everyone up to go to bed. And so was Hoseok’s opportunity. Every year, the kids play a game, where they sneak downstairs and replace the star on top of the tree with their school photos. Currently, Yoongi’s photo was there, and Hoseok was not going to lose to his hobbit brother.

Hobi snuck down the stairs, and squished himself behind the tree, to wait for his brothers. They had until 6am to change the photo, or else they would lose. Usually, everyone fell asleep before 2am, so if Hobi could wait until then, he would be the victorious champion.

Unfortunately, before then, Hobi passed out sitting on the floor behind the Christmas tree, and was not woken until the next morning, when Jimin and Tae stood above him and kicked his leg.

‘well, well. It seems your plan failed.’ Jimin said, looking up at the top of the tree, where Tae and Jimin’s school photos were stuck to the star.

‘I wouldn’t say that. Turn it over.’ Tae jumps to reach the star, and turns it over, where there are at least 15 pictures of Hoseok on the back.

‘well played, Hobi. I suppose this year it’s a draw.’

‘I suppose so. Good luck for next year.’

-

‘Namjoon, did you just drop something?’ Jin yelled from the living room, where he had just sat down for the first time that busy Christmas morning.

‘no! but on a completely random note, were would I find the ingredients to make your roast potatoes?’ Namjoon answers, quietly. Jin doesn’t hear him.

‘Namjoon i swear to god.’ Jin gets up from the couch and starts storming towards the kitchen.

‘okay so I dropped the dish with the potatoes im sorry. It’s fine though, we have heaps of food for my parents.’ Namjoon cowers in the corner of the kitchen as Jin stomps around the floor.

‘no we dont!!! They’re gonna be here in an hour I cannot believe you dropped it. What were you doing in the fridge anyway?’

‘um. Getting one of the cupcakes.’

‘NAMJOON.’

Christmas with GOT7

Double b messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

Double b: mom, what are we having for dinner tomorrow night?

Jinyoung: what’s tomorrow?

Jinyoung: isn’t it your father’s night to cook?

Jflawless: are you for real

Mark: mom you can’t be serious

Jinyoung: jesus christ, what?

Jaebum: babe, it’s christmas tomorrow.

Jinyoung: well shit, I’ve got some shopping to do

Chrisbrownfucker69: how did you manage to miss the fact that it’s christmas

Jaebum: i’ve been reminding you all week

Jinyoung: to be completely honest, I don’t think I’ve listened to a thing you’ve said this week

Jaebum: wow, thanks

Jinyoung: love you babe

Jinyoung: but for real anyone who wants something for christmas needs to meet me at the car in 20 minutes

Jinyoung quickly got changed out of his robe and into mall appropriate clothes, before grabbing his wallet and walking downstairs. All of his kids were stood around the door, waiting for him.

‘Are you serious about forgetting about Christmas?’

‘honestly, I’ve been really busy with work. There’s a big project due soon and I’ve been distracted. Sorry kiddos.’

‘It’s okay, ma. Lets just go shopping and forget all about it.’

‘Won’t the stores be closed?’

‘Nah, the mall is open 24 hours leading up to Christmas. Your dad and I usually get your presents the very last second anyway.’

When they arrive at the mall, which is surprisingly busy for 7pm on a Tuesday night. Bambam almost sprints away to look at stuff in windows, when Jinyoung grabs him by his shoulder.

‘Do you want money or not?

‘Oh, yeah right. Bless, love you Mom.’ Bambam kisses Jinyoung on the cheek and he shoves Bambam away.

‘We aren’t an affectionate family, stop trying to be an affectionate family.’ The kids all roll their eyes. ‘You have $200 dollars each, go wild. I’ll transfer you all some money in a second, so don’t rush to spend it all. Buy whatever you want, just as long as you get something for everyone.’ Jinyoung stops and looks at his youngest son. ‘Except Yugyeom, he’s been a shithead.’

‘hey, I have not.’

‘see.’ Jinyoung stops to look between his youngest two sons. ‘Oh, and Mark, please go with Yugbam and make sure they don’t buy alcohol or anything illegal.’

‘dammit mom!’

‘and the sex shop too, you’re too young.’

‘is there really a ‘too young’ to be able to express yourself responsibly?’

‘that doesn’t mean being a hoe, Bam.’

‘you right.’

__

On Christmas morning, Jinyoung and Jaebum were not woken up by any of the kids. This was unusual, because in the years before, the kids had woken both parents up at ungodly hours of the morning to get their presents, but this year there were no kids in sight.

So they went downstairs, at almost 10am, to find the kids weren’t there either. Jaebum sighed and flopped down on the sofa.

‘I thought I would like them not waking me up early on Christmas, but apparently not.’

Jaebum messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads

Jaebum: guys its literally christmas

Jinyoung: get ur asses down here or i’m taking back your christmas presents

Jinyoung: including the ones that jaebum bought for you all without me knowing

Jinyoung: yall are lucky you have jaebum because i’m a terrible parent without him

Youngjae: we love you dad!!

Double b: same

Chrisbrownfucker69: same

Jflawless: ^^

Mark: love you mom and dad

Jinyoung: and yall still wonder why markjae are our favourites

Jinyoung: can’t even type more than four letters

Jinyoung: jackson couldnt even write a single word

Jinyoung: merry Christmas you fucks, stay upstairs if you aren’t going to be nice

Jaebum: you all need to get downstairs like right now

Double b: on our way

-

The kids all made their way downstairs in various states of tiredness and undressed. After yelling at Jackson for coming down in his boxers, the kids were all sat on the floor ready to open their presents.

‘Okay, presents one at a time. Everyone choose one, and give one to Jinyoung and I and we can open them together. Mark first.’ The sound of tearing and various noises came from the kids in excitement.

‘Mom got me a new coat that we saw the other day at the mall. Thank you! I love it!’

‘I’m worried about you getting cold at university, it’s so cold.’ Jinyoung mumbles, looking away from his kids. Mark gets up and hugs him. ‘stop it, the other kids will think I like you.’

‘Mom next!’ Jackson yells excitedly. Jinyoung looks down at his present and begins to open it. It was a small box, with two tickets inside.

‘I bought you and Dad tickets to go to a spa for the weekend and spend time with each other.’  Jackson explains.

‘When’s it for?’ Jinyoung asks, still looking down at the tickets.

‘I didn’t book a specific date, you just have to go up when you have a free weekend and hand them in,’

‘Babe, this is perfect, you’ve been so stressed lately, a spa weekend would be so good! Its unfortunate that I’m too busy to go for the next two weeks.’ Jaebum grimaces, or at least pretends to. ‘Seunie, maybe you should go with Jinyoung.’ Jinyoung rolls his eyes at his husband’s attempt, but nods.

‘Let’s go soon, okay Jacks?’ Jinyoung tells his son and pats him on the head. Jackson grins and turns back towards his brothers.

‘can you all stop being gay we got stuff too.’ Yugyeom whines.

‘alright, Bambam, open yours.’ Jinyoung looks at Yugyeom and smirks.

‘eyeshadow palettes. Oh! Modern Renaissance! I’ve been wanting to get this! Thanks Youngjae!’

‘I saw that makeup look the other week on youtube, and I thought these colours would look nice on you.’ Youngjae  tells him, while Bambam is swatching some of the colours on his arm.

‘will you let me do your makeup one time?’ Bambam asks. Youngjae nods.

‘okay!’

‘can I go next?’

‘nope, Youngjae.’ Youngjae takes the lid off the box hesitantly, to reveal a huge stash of all of his favourite candy and snacks.

‘snacks for a snacc.’ Bambam muses, laughing at himself. Youngjae blushes, and shoves his younger brother on the shoulder.

‘don’t joke.’

‘Jae, you’re the cutest out of all of us. It’s not a joke!’ Jackson tells his younger brother. Youngjae smiles.

‘Jaebum, your turn.’ Jaebum rips open the paper to find five bucket hats, all with different patterns. Jinyoung rolls his eyes and grabs them out of Jaebum’s hands.

‘I’m throwing these out.’ Jinyoung shoves them behind him.

‘thank you Jackson, I’ll be sure to wear them lots.’

‘speaking of, Jackson I think it’s your turn.’ Jackson opens the envelope to find that Mark had bought him a Tinder Gold subscription.

‘bless, I’ve been wanting it for ages. I accidentally swiped left on the hottest girl the other day and it crushed my soul. I can go back to fix it now.’

‘ast and definitely least.’ Yugyeom frowns at his mom.

‘he’s kidding.’ Jaebum sends Jinyoung a look and Jinyoung hesitantly pats Yugyeom. Yugyeom opens his box to find a ton of condoms,  lube, and a copy of the Karma Sutra. Yugyeom rolls his eyes and puts the box down on the floor.

‘I suppose this was you two?’ he looks between his parents, who are grinning at him, and his brothers, who all have a look of amusement on their faces.

‘we just want you to be safe.’ Jaebum tells his youngest son.

‘and enjoy yourself.’ Jinyoung adds, shuddering slightly.

‘good LORD MOM PLEASE STOP.’ (three days later, Jungkook opens the box on Yugyeom’s desk to find the condoms. When he asks his boyfriend, Yugyeom nopes the fuck out of there.)

Chrisbrownfucker69 messaged kookie

Chrisbrownfucker69: merry christmas bro

Chrisbrownfucker69: ily like a bro but also like a bf

Chrisbrownfucker69: I bought your present today

Kookie: ily2.

Kookie: we still meeting at the park tomorrow?

Chrisbrownfucker69: hell yeah!!!

Kookie: my mom baked more cookies for you

Chrisbrownfucker69: omg the good ones?

Kookie: yep

Chrisbrownfucker69: can we get married like yesterday I want Jin to be my real mom

Kookie: -.-

Chrisbrownfucker69: ^.^

-

‘Grandma, has Jinyoung always been a bitch?’ Bambam asks his grandmother suddenly during Christmas lunch.

‘Bambam, dear, think about this for a second. Who stops Jinyoung from being so bitchy?’

‘Jaebum?’

‘Jinyoung didn’t meet Jaebum until he was 15. Just imagine that.’  All of the kids collectively shudder. Jinyoung rolls his eyes and goes back to eating his food.

BTS’ Presents
They all go shopping together, and work together to buy their families the best possible present.
Jin - They buy him a pair of Gucci sunglasses and a cardigan, as well as getting a photo with santa of all the kids for him to put on the fridge.
Namjoon – The kids and Jin buy Namjoon a huge stack of books. During the year, Jin and the kids had written down every book that Namjoon had said he wanted to read, and gave them to him at Christmas.
Yoongi - they buy a DJ mixing table, and a sound recorder with buttons to make his music at the house, instead of going to Namjoon’s office, or the club to make music.
Hoseok – Hobi is given a bunch of stuff to decorate his dorm next year, including sheets, a blanket, a print, and some stationery.
Jimin – the Kim’s buy Jimin a new pair of dance shoes, and lots of workout and dance clothes.
Taehyung - Taehyung gets a record player and some records! He has been going on and on about one, and they finally buy him a player, and his favourite albums on vinyl.
Jungkook – a new graphics card for his computer gaming set up, and a gift card for Steam.

GOT7’s presents.

Jinyoung
- Mark buys him a nice sweater
- Youngjae buys his favourite chocolates and a face mask
- Jaebum buys him ties (for sex purposes but the kids don’t know that)
- Yugbam put together and buy him an unnecessarily expensive art thing to put in the rom
- Jackson – spa weekend away with Jaebum, but he convinces Jackson to go with Jinyoung instead.
-
Jaebum
- Jinyoung buys him a set of white gold earrings
- Jackson buys him like 5 bucket hats (Jinyoung throws them out)
- Yugyeom – nice cologne
- Mark – a voucher for the meat place down the road so they can get dinner together
- Youngjae buys him a monogrammed notebook for writing
- Bambam buys him a set of sneakers
Mark
- Jinyoung – a new coat to go to uni (because Jinyoung is worried about him getting cold, he’s so skinny.)
- Jackson – a new video game that he wanted
- Yugy – a university hoodie!
- Bambam – BRIGHT PINK PUMA SLIDES because his broke, and Bambam want Mark to be living his best fashion life.
- Youngjae – a book!
- Jaebum – a nice watch!
Youngjae
- Jaebum - sheet music
- Jinyoung – A backpack!!
- Yugyeom – a box that has ALL of Youngjae’s favourite snacks
- Jackson – a ukulele!
- Bam – gives him a card to go shopping with him and Bambam will style him (no offence, Youngjae, you look like a dad. You’re young, you should look hot!)
- Mark – clothes for coco
Jackson
- Mark buys him a tinder gold subscription
- Jaebum and Jinyoung – tickets to the world fencing championship in china!! (they take him to china and go eat real Chinese food and Jackson loves it a lot because he feels closer to them.)
- Youngjae – HE WROTE JACKSON A SONG (WITHOUT LYRICS) FOR JACKSON TO RAP OVER WHAT A GOOD LIL BROTHER.
- Yugyeom – an embroidered hat with ‘team wang’ across the front
- Bambam – new patterned bedsheets because ‘god knows whats on those ones’ jy- ‘like you can talk.’
Yugyeom
- Jinyoung and Jaebum – a GIANT box of condoms and a copy of the karma sutra (Yugyeom doesn’t talk to them for 2 HOURS. Jungkook finds them later in his room and Yugyeom nopes out of there)
- Bambam – buys some stuff to make a new background for their youtube videos.
- Jackson – Jackson promises to stop trying to break into Yugyeom’s phone, and a packet of his favourite chips.
- Youngjae – gift card to his favourite store (but they have to go together!!)
- Mark – a paid job choreographing for a club at uni!!!

Bambam
- Jackson gets him a gift card to go do yoga lessons (with Jackson!!! Aw)
- Jinyoung – a sweater that was VERY expensive but Jinyoung pretends he got it on sale and it didn’t cost that much.
- Jaebum – gift card to his favourite clothes store
- Yugyeom – a nail kit – heaps of polishes (in colours bb likes!) and remover and shit. Promises to let Bam do his nails at least once a month for the next year.
- Mark – a tshirt with yixing on it. (like Baekhyun’s line with his face on it except Yixing has it)
- Youngjae – eyeshadow palette (modern renaissance, probably) bc he saw the look on youtube he was wearing and wanted BB to experiment with some
 

Yugkook Presents
- JK’s present to Yugyeom – A video game that JK plays and Yugyeom likes but doesn’t have his own copy. He buys it so they can play together!!
- Yugyeom’s present to JK – a mixtape!!!! With songs that 1. He thinks JK will like, 2. That remind him of JK, and 3. Their songs.