Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Niall pov

"Someone tagged the village hall wall with spray paint. Know anything about this?" My dad challenges as I'm sat in the kitchen chair with him hovering over me. A police man is stood not far from us.
"Nope. No idea" I lie, trying but failing to hide my grin.
"Then why do you have blue paint in your hair?" The police officer asks.
"Thinkin of tryin a new color. Bit bored of brown. Wha d yah think da?" I grin casually.
"This isn't funny niall" my dad shouts.
"Don't know nothin" I mutter. "I need a shower. Won't be long" I grin walking away and heading upstairs.
"Niall you will come down here if I have to carry you down myself." My dad shouts as he gets closer to my door.

"I'm naked. Don't come in" I shout as I pull my jeans and boxers to my thighs and pull my shirt over my head. I fire the shirt on my bed just in time for the door to open.

"Ah! Get out!" I screech as my dad and the police officer stand there in the door way. I move a hand to hide my crotch and one to cover my nipples.
"Niall. You will come down stairs-"
"-get the fuck out me room I'm naked!" I shout back, glaring at them both.

"We will wait here. You have two minutes to get decent. This isn't over" my dad snaps as he closes my door. I quickly pull my boxers and jeans up then throw on a shirt before I open my bedroom window.

I pull myself up and out of the room and climb across to the drainpipe. Once there I take a deep breath and start shimmying down to the floor.

I get to the bottom and run straight to the woods, knowing I only have 10 seconds before my dad goes into my room. I've been counting in my head.

I climb one of the trees with loads of leaves so I can hide. Once up there I sit on a thick branch and lean against the trunk. I get my phone out and text liam saying I need a place to crash.

He says no because the cops have called there looking for him. Shit.

I make my way to an abandoned trailer I know and head inside. Once there I collapse against the cold metal side and tuck my knees up to my chin with a sigh.

I end up falling asleep there a few minutes later.

__

I'm woken up by someone shaking my shoulder. I shrug them off me and roll over.
"Niall? Are you okay?" The voice asks.
"Go 'way" I whine.
"Come on. Lets get you home" He says before shaking me harder. I groan and roll over to face him and see the copper from earlier.
I stand up and get ready to run but he grabs my arm.
"There no need for that. Lets take you home" He says as he leads me to his car.

Not long after I'm back in my kitchen, wrapped in my dad's arms with him crying about how 'worried he was'.
"We'll call it a warning niall. No more escapades, got it?" The police man says firmly. I nod numbly and a wrap my arm around my dad.

___

Three days later I Tag the local supermarket with a picture of a giant dick.

___

8 days after that I I flood my school on my lunch break. Wasn't hard either. Stuffed paper towels and toilet roll down the sink and ran the taps. Filled all of the toilets with paper towels and flushed the chains.

Voila. Flood.
___

I then leave it a 2 weeks before trying anything. Want them to think the prankster has given up.

I text liam and ask him to sneak out with me. He fights  me at first but I eventually wear him down and he agrees.

"Niall get down! You'll get in trouble again" liam stresses as I walk along the wall that outlines the grounds for the best and only bakery in the village.
"Chill out liam. I won't fall. Impeccable balance me" I laugh as I stand on one leg and pretend to loose my balance. I even add in a little squeel.
"Niall!" Liam shouts as I drop down onto the other side of the wall laughing. I hold my hands over my mouth so liam doesn't hear me laugh and squat against the wall.

"Niall! Are you okay? Answer me! Niall!" Liam starts whispering but ends up shouting. I burst out laughing at his seriousness and fall back onto my bum against the wall.

"You're such a dick" liam grumbles.
"Ah you love me" say easily as I stand up trying to figure out how to get back over the wall. It's lower down on this side and I'm no where near reaching the top to pull my self up.

"I don't know why. You are nothing but trouble Niall Horan."
"Aye! but you love me" I repeat as I try to climb up the wall. Unfortunately I'm not spiderman and my fingers don't grip the wall very well so I fall.
"Li. M stuck" I grunt as I land on my back and groan. I roll over to realise I landed on a brick. Right in the middle of my back.

"Course you are." He says sarcastically. "Hurry up before we get caught" he snaps.
"I can't. God. Li me back" I whimper as I try to get up but can't move properly.
"I swear to God niall-" he starts firmly but is cut off by a man shouting "-what are you doing?".

I can tell he's on my side of the wall so I tell liam to go.
"I'm not leaving you-"
"-li I can't move. I feel like I've broke me back. Go, else we'll both be in trouble" I say firmly, making it clear I'm leaving no room for discussion. I hear him sigh but does, hear him run off to hide.

"What are you doing? Oh, horan. Might have known. Such trouble you are" a different police officer says. I've met them all in this village and they all know me.
"Hurt me back" I whisper as a pain shoots up my spine.
"Pratting around no doubt" he replies.
"Ow" I whimper as I try to move. A couple of tears fall as I try to get sat up properly to stand. I wipe tears on my jumper sleeve before he sees.
"Awe. Hurt yourself? Cocky little shit" he mocks.
"Fuck" I groan as I stand up slowly.

"Are you that bad?" He asks skeptically.
"Oh my god" I whisper as I get to my feet. I hold my back and nearly fall but the copper grabs my arm to steady me.

"Come on, let's get you to A an E" he sighs as he helps me to his car. He gets me sat down and mutters 'seat belt' before going to the drivers side.

On the way there, DC Drake radios in that he's taking me to hospital and they message back they'll let my dad know.

___

The ride is short and quiet safe for the radio. Once there DC Drake helps me out of the car and walks me into the waiting room. He sits me down and then checks me in before joining me again.

"You don't have to wait with me" I sigh.
"Your dad's on his way. I can't leave you on your own. They won't see you on your own since you're a minor" he says as he plays flappy bird on his phone.

The doctor sees me before my dad gets here and I'm sent for x rays. I literally cry my eyes out when they make me lay on my stomache on the table to get the scans. It's the longest 10 minutes of my life but when I leave the room my dad is waiting.

"Oh niall. What have you done now?" he sighs.
"Hurt me back" I whisper looking at the floor.

He doesn't reply but helps me to sit down while we wait for my results. DC Drake waits with us and says he can drop us home afterwards.

"Niall Horan?" A young nurse comes out of a room calling my name. My dad stands up to signal where we are and we head over to the room slowly, my dad aiding me to get there.

We're only sat down a few minutes before the doctor comes back in saying -
"Okay so we've had a look at your scans and it appears you've broken one of the smaller bones in your back-"
"-he's broken his back?" My dad shouts.
"Not the main spinal bone. But one of the less load bearing ones called the virtabray"
"So what do we do?"

Chapter Text

Niall pov

"I'll be giving niall some pain relief called codine and some anti inflammatories. The bone will heal on its own but will take a while. No heavy lifting young man. Also, ill be booking you in to see a doctor for a check up in two weeks" the female doctor says after looking at the scans.

"Now let me have a look at the bruising" she says.
"No" I grunt "like fuck im takin me top off"
"Take it off niall" my dad whisper shouts.
"No" I whisper shout back.
"Niall I'm only seeing the bruising. I have some bruise cream that will ease the pain. But if you don't want it and would rather suffer that's fine"

"Fine" I sigh and take off me shirt, throwing it on the bed.
"Okay, that's quite nasty. I'll pop some cream on and give you the rest to keep topped up"
"Thanks" I whisper as she starts spreading the cold liquid cream on my back. She spreads it out then rubs it in gently and I can already feel it working.

"Okay, done. Can you just step on these scales for me please" she says as she washes her hands.
I put my shirt on first trying to stall but do eventually stand on them.

"Okay. 7st 3. Niall you're rather under weight for your age and build" she says as she writes that down.
"So. What's your point?" I grunt.
"Are you eating properly?"
"Yeah. Suppose" I shrug.
"And have you lost any weight recently?"
"A bit" I sigh.
"Niall. I'd like to put you on some protein shakes. To bring your weight up"
"You don't sound like I have a choice" I mutter, pulling at the hem of my T shirt.

"Until we can you you at a safe and sustainable weight. Two shakes a day. At least two full meals as well. Anything more is a bonus" she says writing something else out.

"I'll just go get the shake powder." With that she's off, closing the door behind her.

"Niall-"
"-save it dad. please. I'm fine" I sigh.

___

An hour later we're back home, I've been told to rest from physical labour but keep moving every now and then so I don't seize up.

I'm slowly moved into the living room and I fall back onto the couch. Regretting it instantly. I cry out in pain and bite into my fist as I notice the police officer coming into the room.

"Niall? There will be a meeting tomorrow with me and the chief of police to discuss a punishment for you breaking and entering at the bakery.

"I didn't break anything. 'Cept me back. And I didn't enter, I was only in the garden and that's outside. So technically I didn't enter either"

"That's trespassing"
"Whatever" I sigh as I lay me head back. The painkillers kicking in finally.

"10am. You dad knows" is all he says as he walks off. My dad sees the officer out and thanks him for his time before making his way towards me. I flinch and look at the floor.

"You've really done it now" he snaps. "What the fuck are you thinking. What's going on in that fucked up head of yours" he yells in my face.

"M sorry" I whisper.  A tear falls and I wipe it away quickly. Not quick enough.
"Oh, now you're crying? Jesus niall grow up. When are you going to act like a man, instead of a stupid little boy!" He paces the room and I feel my breathing raise but try to calm down. Knowing full well, a panic attack only makes these situations with him worse.

"Go to your room. And don't you fucking dare come out until 9am when we leave for the meeting"
"Kay" I whisper.
"Oh, and don't use the toilet. I'll know and you'll regret it. But let me tell you, piss the bed again and you'll regret that too" he warns. I nod my head to signal I've heard him and head towards the stairs. Every step is agony and my back feels like it's breaking all over again with every move I make. I pull myself up the stairs with the banister and bite into my fist to keep from crying out.

Once on the landing I head straight into my room. I don't bother trying to go to the toilet. If I flush the chain he'll hear it but if I don't he'll see the wee in the toilet.

I slowly flop down onto my bed and let the tears silently fall.

Chapter Text

Niall pov

When I wake up at 8am due to my alarm I realise I have in fact pissed the bed. I sigh and quietly strip the sheets as tears drop on my hands. I strip myself and have a wash with a baby wipe. Knowing I'm still not allowed out of my room.

Once clean-ish, I put on some loose jeans and a shirt before sitting on the edge of me bed.

It's around 8:30 when my dad comes out of his bedroom and heads into the bathroom. I'm sat as straight as I can with my back in bits and tense when I hear him leave the bathroom and head towards my room.

The handle is pulled down and my dad stands in the doorway.

"Did you piss yourself?" He asks casually as though we could be discussing the weather.
"Yeah. M sorry-" I sigh but he cuts me off.
"Is fine. Babies make mistakes don't they?" He says petting me cheek softly with his left hand. It's his right hand that punches me in the stomache. Somewhere that no one sees very often.

I double over in pain from that an then cry at the pain from my back.

"Awe the sheets are stained. Best get them cleaned up as soon as possible. Then they won't stain as bad" he says gently, lifting up the sheet and inspecting the yellow stain.

"Here, clean quickly. we need to go" he says tossing me the sheet. I make my way towards the door but am stopped by my dad blocking the door.

"No time for that. Think of a tool. In this room that can make things nice and wet. The same tool is capable of sucking, sucking out stains" he says as he runs a hand through my hair.

I lick my lips subconsciously and he grins then taps his own mouth, points and mine then motions towards the sheet.

I sigh and take a deep breath before raising the sheet to my lips. I lick over the urine cautiously and grimace at the taste and thought behind what I'm doing.

"Faster we haven't got all day" he snaps. I do work faster, using as much spit as possible to drown out the taste and ease the stain, I then suck the excess water and shiver as I swallow it.

"Good. Now put all the stuff in the washer. In the car with in 3 minutes" he says before walking out.

As soon as he's gone I race to the bathroom and vomit into the toilet. The taste of urine mixed with acidic sick making me throw up again. I sigh and quickly wash my mouth out with mouth wash. And rush to set the washer going. I do all that and am in the car with in 2 minutes thirty. Once sat down, I'm reminded I need to go slowly because of my back.

At the meeting is the chief of police and DC Drake. But there's also Barbara who owns the bakery sat on one of the little chairs.

"So niall. We have been discussing this and we've come down to two options. You go to juvenile prison for the summer. Or you work at the bakery, 8-6 Monday to Saturday. For the summer." DC Drake says.

"I've broke a bone in me back, can't do any lifting" I whisper.
"That's okay niall. I'll let the boys know and they can lift for you" Barbara says kindly.

"Kay. The bakery. If I get the choose" I whisper.
"You do. And that's okay niall. Come on, you can head over with me now and meet the team" Barbara smiles as she leads me towards her car. I see my dad signing consent for me to work there and I half sigh.

"You'll be paid for working with us niall" she says kindly.
"Really?" I ask quite excited at the thought of earning money of my own.
"Yes. £6 an hour"
"Cool" I smile.

The team is nothing like I expected. I was expecting, little frail old ladies that will give me cookies because I'm cute. I'm met with sass on legs. Smoulder on legs. And pure sex on legs.

"This is niall. He's on probation and will be working here. He's broken a bone in his back so he's to do no heavy lifting." Barbara says "now I need some bits from the market. Introduce yourselves and show niall around the place" she says before leaving.

We all stare awkwardly at each other for a few minutes before I sigh.
"M niall" I offer a small smile.
"Yeah. I know who you are" a boy with feathery brown hair says. "You flooded our school and ruined my new trainers" he sasses.
"M sorry" I sigh.

"Yeah. Whatever. I'm louis. Don't talk to me" Sass on legs says before walking away and re organising the drinks display.

"I'm zayn" the Smoulder on legs says.
"Harry" sex on legs mutters.
I sigh and groan as my back starts twitching a little.

"Do you wanna sit down?" Harry asks.
"Nah m fine" I grit my teeth and offer him a half arsed smile.
"Probably got fucked too hard" Louis mutters as he walks away into a back room.
"Louis leave him alone" Harry mutters but there's no force or conviction behind it.

"What were you doing last night? You look wrecked." Harry asks.
"Your sister" I grunt.
"That isn't even fun you absolute dick. I was trying to be nice to you. Even got you some pain relief you complete arse hole." Harry snaps, throwing a box of paracetamol on the side and walking off.

"What was the point in that?" Zayn mutters.
"I felt like it" snap and then sigh to myself.

I hate pushing people away. But they're too dangerous to have close to me. The closer people get, the more they learn. The more they learn, the less they like. The less they accept. I'm not ready for the world to see me yet. Not for them to see the real me.

The facade I put on? Ha. That's not me. Only those I really love will ever really know me. But then the people I love leave me anyway.

When they find out.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

The bakery is pretty quiet today. Not much to do, but it's not completely empty. I've just finished a batch of cookies and am working on some buns that I can't wait to decorate, but can see niall sweeping some flour up out of the corner of my eye.

I glance over at him, he has his back to me but rests his head on the wall and looks to be taking deep breaths.

I feel myself ask if he's okay, despite what an arse hole he was earlier.

"M fine" he whispers, I barely hear it.
"Are you sure?" I ask as he looks like he's about to have an emotional break down.
"I said I'm fine. 'S nothin to do with you, so keep out me business." He snaps.
"I was just being nice-" I start to defend myself but he cuts me off.
"I don't need you being nice to me. Pretty boy. I'm perfectly okay on my own" he snaps once again.
"Yeah because you have sooo many friends. Not" Louis snaps as he comes into the back room.

"More than you" he grunts.
"Really? Your such a dick to everyone that liam payne is your only friend. And he loves everybody. So I think your maths skills need work" Louis replies.
"Whatever" he sighs.

The rest of the day, niall ignores us and we do the same. It's 5pm when louis offers zayn and me to got to his house after work. We agree instantly.

Whenever I've looked at niall, to see if he needs help, he's just scowled at me. I don't know what I've done wrong but it must be big.

When 6pm comes niall is out of the door first. Zayn gets all our coats and hands them out as we head to my car.

___

The rest of the week is the same. Niall doesnt speak to us unless we speak first, and his reply is always a grunt or him snapping.

To be honest I've had enough of him and his attitude. He's here instead of juvenile prison. That should say something about the type of person he is. Pure trouble.

___

Niall pov

I've been at the bakery a week now. I think we have an unspoken rule that I don't talk to them and they don't talk to me unless we have to.

It's later that day when Darren, luke and cody join me and liam at my house. Luckily my dad's working late so I offer my guests a refreshing drink- of his beer.

We're half way into dares when luke pipes up a dare for me.
"I dare you to dye your hair. Blonde" he smirks. We're all fairly buzzed and I'm pretty drunk if I do say so myself. The meds I'm on don't really mix with beer. So I agree laughing "only if you buy the hair dye".

He pulls out a box of blonde dye and chucks it to me. It hits me in the face as I don't react in time to catch it. It lands on my lap and I pick it up to inspect it.

"M' kay" I slur.
"Cody help him dye it" luke laughs as I struggle to open the box.

15 minutes later I'm sat with hair dye cooking on my hair and tinfoil wrapped around my head. I sigh and lean back against the bed letting me eyes drift.

We all lay around until the alarm goes off on liams phone signaling I can wash this off my hair. I do and scream as I look in the mirror.

"Niall! What's wrong?" Liam asks as I hear him try and come in to the bathroom. I've locked the door so he isn't getting in. I stand in front of the mirror and tug at random bits of my hair.

"No no no no no" I repeat as a few tears fall.
"Niall?!" Liam snaps and I open the door to ask him for help. I'm met with the other three lads stood there as well.

"Fuck!" Luke laughs.
"Oh my god. The fuck" Darren shrieks.
Cody just doubles over laughing.

"What happened? I thought the dye was blonde?" Liam asks.
"It was" I snap.
"Then why the fuck Is your hair green?" He shrieks.
"You can't- hahahaha you can't dye brown hair straight blonde. Somethin about pigments not blending" close laughs.
"Li- go buy me a brown dye" I beg.
"I can't. They won't serve me I'm not 18" he sighs.
I whimper and breath harshly. Even harder when i hear my dad come through the front door and call me.

"Niall?" He asks again as I hear him get to the top of the stairs and look straight at me.

"What have you done now?" He growls.
"Thought I'd give blonde a go. Didn't take how I thought" I mumble.

"Stupid boy"
"Da- can- can you get me a brown dye. To- to put over it? They won't serve me it" I whisper.

"Because you aren't old enough" he snaps. "No. No. You think you're big enough to dye your hair, fine. But don't you dare color it again"
"I won't. Once it's brown that's it I promise-"
"-No niall. That's it. I'm not buying or getting you the dye. If you get someone who will, that's fine. But this is your doing and now it's time to lay in the bed you've made."

"I have work in the morning- I- I cant go in with green hair" I whisper.
"Well then you better find someone old enough to get you a fresh dye" he smiles before walking off.

"Put a hat on and say- you have to keep it on for- for medical reasons" liam suggests.
"Darren, get me another dye?"
"Nah mate. Your dad is teriffying" he mutters before walking out with cody and luke.

"Fuck li what m I gona do?" I whisper.
"I don't know. Look it's late, let's get some sleep and we can figure it out in the morning."
"I have to leave at 7:30 for work" I argue.
"And it's 2:30 am now. Get some sleep niall. Theres nothing we can do at the moment"
"Kay. Are you stayin over?" I mumble.
"Yeah. Shove over" he says as I crawl onto bed, liam follows me and we settle down under the duvet.

"Well sort this tomorrow ni" liam says softly.
"Thanks liam" I whisper.
"It must be serious, you've never said thank you to me before" liam laughs.
"I have-" I cut myself off thinking about whether I have or not. Not that I can remember.

___

Harry pov

The next morning is eventful. I pick up louis and zayn for work. We all car pool to save on petrol and I drive over to the bakery. On my way down one of the roads I see niall walking towards the bakery and indicate to pull over.

"Niall? Want a lift?" I ask.
"Nah you're alright" he says even more cagey than usual.
"I'm going the same place you are anyway" I sigh.
"I said no. Fuck off" he snaps and walks off.
"Suit yourself" I growl out of the window before driving towards work.

"What's his problem?" Louis mutters.
"Daddy issues" Zayn laughs. Louis and I do as well before I park up and we all head in side. I turn on all the ovens and lights for the day. Louis stocks up the drinks and front display cupboards. Whilst zayn checks stocks and has a look what we need to make fresh.

20 minutes later niall arrives.
"You're late" Louis says.
"Only 10 minutes" he mutters.
"And do you start work at 8:10 or 8am? Oh yeah. 8am. Don't be late again"

"Sorry we don't all have rich mummies to buy us posh cars" he grunts.
"Maybe I'd you weren't such a dickhead, yours would have stayed" Zayn smirks.
"Zayn!" I snap "that was a low blow" I argue.
I half expect niall to rip his head off or knock him into next week. He doesn't he just looks at the floor and mumbles "Yeah maybe".

We all get to work not long after. And I ask niall to take his beenie off as it looks unprofessional. That starts another argument.

"So does your hair" he smirks.
"How does my hair look unprofessional?" I snap. I've had enough of him.
"It's all over the place"
"So? I can't help having thick and curly hair" I respond.
"It looks stupid" he mutters as he wipes down one of the tables.
"Look. just take the hat off" I snap. He flinches slightly and I frown.

He mutters something under his breath but does remove the hat.his usual brown hair is for some reason. Erm. Green?

"What did you do?" Zayn smirks as he looks at nialls hair.
"Dare" he shrugs like he isn't bothered. I can tell he's really upset.
"You died your hair green for a dare?" Louis asks with a raised eye brow.
"Was supposed to be blonde" he mutters.
"You can't dye brown hair straight to blonde. It goes green" I frown.
"Well I know that now" he snaps.

"Why didn't you dye over it?" Zayn asks.
"I'm 16. They won't sell me hair dye. Don't know anyone old enough to buy it. 'Cept Darren. An he won't"

"Oh" is all zayn says.
The morning is quiet after that. None of us really know what to say. I finish decorating a cake and louis makes some chocolate brownies but we're having another slow day so there isn't much for us to do.

On my lunch break I head to the shop and buy a blonde hair dye for niall. I know he's been a dick but I have a feeling there's a reason. Like he's hiding something. Something that's bigger than all of us.

"Here" I whisper as I hand him the blue bag with the dye in it. He frowns but takes the bag and looks inside it, then inspects the dye.

"Why would you?" He mumbles, I feel like the question is more to himself than me but answer anyway.
"Call it a piece offering. Everyone needs help every now and then. I get the impression you don't like asking for help"

"I- no. Don't like people having somethin over me" he mutters.
"I didn't buy it for that. I bought it so you don't have to hide in the kitchen for the next 3 weeks until it fades"

"Thank you" he says quietly.
"It's okay. Are you able to dye it yourself?"
"Gona have to. As louis like to remind me, I don't have any friends" he jokes but I can see the truth behind his words.
"It's could do it for you. I dye my sisters hair for her" I say gently.
"It's- 's okay. You've done enough for me" he whispers.
"I insist. Dye it at mine tonight. I have the supplies from my sister Gemma. We'll go straight there after work?"
"Thanks" he whispers

When 6pm comes around louis and zayn do a double take as i lead niall to my car. Louis calls shot gun and takes the passangers seat leaving niall and zayn in the back. The ride is short and quiet. None of us really know what to say so we don't say anything.

I drop louis off first then zayn before driving to my house a few streets over.

"Come on then" I smile as I get out of the car. Niall follows slowly, eyes going wide at my house. It's pretty big but most houses are unless you live on the east side. The rough end- the trampy end. Ah. Nialls end.

I see him smooth his shirt down as we walk up the garden path through to the front door.
"Mum I'm home. I have a friend over" I call out. My mum comes out of the kitchen a minute later wearing one of her silk dressing gowns and some slippers.

"I hope you have clothes on under that" I laugh.
"Well I don't. I'm going to relax in the bath for a little while" she laughs "Awe your friend is cute harry" she winks at me.

I groan and offer niall a drink. After getting us a can of coke each, we head up to my room.

"Do I havta take me shoes off" niall asks as I get half way up the stairs, he's hovering at the bottom.
"Nah it's okay" I say casually. He does anyway and I notice they are pretty muddy. Good call.

Once upstairs I strip my shirt off, apply some deodorant and put a loose black V neck on.
"Right, sit here" I mumble as I sit down on the edge of my bed. I chuck a few pillows on the floor in between my legs and get niall to sit on them.

He kneels down facing me at first and I get ideas. He then looks at the floor with a blush and I think he had the same image. I chuckle softly as he turns around and sits with his back to me.

I put the gloves on and mix bottles A & B then apply it to his head. I then apply bottle C and wrap the cap over his head to cook.

"Here you go. Leave that on for 50 minutes" I smile at him as I take the gloves off and bin them.
"Thank you arry" be says softly.
"No worries. Oh it's dripping. Take your shirt off and put the towel round your shoulders" I say as I catch a bit from dropping on him.

"Oh. Can you- erm can i- change in the bathroom?"
"I'll turn around. I'm not looking" I say as I turn my back to him. I frown thinking it's a little strange for someone so confident and cocky to be insecure. But that said,  his confidence is an act. I can tell.

After a little shuffling I hear niall say he's done and I turn back.
"So, fifa? Need to wait for that to cook" I say nodding to his hair.
"Never played it" he mutters.
"Oh. I'll show you. it's easy" I shrug like it no big deal. To me it kinda is though. What 16 year old boy doesn't own fifa, never mind hasn't played it?

50 minutes later, I have taught niall the basics and he's getting there with it. I tell him it's time to wash his hair and lead him to the bathroom.

"Stick your head over the bath" I say as I open bottle D- the conditioner.
He frowns but gets on his knees once again and leans over the bath, resting his arms on the bath so his head is right over.
"This is wierd" he mutters as I stand behind him and lean over to rinse his hair with the cup and clean water from the sink.

"Why? Is that too hot?"
"You've got me bent over the bath. And no. S perfect. Temperature I mean"
"Haha yeah I guess" I laugh. I did already know why it was awkward but I like seeing him sqerm. Seeing him vulnerable.

I lean a bit closer and pour more water over his hair with one hand and run my hand through it with the other. I can feel my crotch is pressed into his back and he shivers slightly.  I smile and keep washing his hair.

After applying the conditioner and washing that off I lead him to my room again to dry his hair.

"What do you think?" I ask as he looks in the mirror to admire his brown roots with blonde ends.
"I like it. I love it. Thank you. Do you- does it look okay?" He whispers. My eyes meet his through the mirror and I grin saying "it looks perfect. Really suits you"

He smiles at me. It feels like a private smile. Like he's going to let me in. And then of course he shuts me out. Looks at the floor and says he should go.

"Niall just stop. Stay for tea yeah?" I offer. He looks up at me hesitant. Like it's not safe for him to let anyone in.
"Oh. Erm- i- sure. If that's- okay I mean" he says slowly.
"Of course. Is pizza okay? We can have a take out. Chill up here for a bit" I offer. He agrees and I order us a pizza before we get comfy playing fifa again.

I feel like niall is letting me in. But as I've learnt with niall, his mind can change in a heart beat.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

After niall agrees to stay i order a large pizza and chips. Once it arrives and I've paid, I bring it back up so we can watch White Chicks and eat. I'm really suprised niall can eat so much. He's tiny.

"Want the last piece?" I ask as we've devoured nearly the full pizza.
"Nah m stuffed" he mumbles as he lays on my bed next to me.
"Come on. You've eaten loads. You can have the last slice" I joke.
"Did I eat too much?" He frowns, biting his bottom lip like he's in trouble.

"I- no. I mean. You've just eaten a lot of pizza. Big appetite?"
"Don't really eat" he yawns. That makes me frown.
"Why not?"
" 'm not 'loud with out p'misson" he mutters, eyes dropping.

"Are you sleeping over?" I whisper. He doesn't answer as he is already asleep. I carefully get up and go down to see my mum and let her know he's crashing for the night.

"Okay babe. Let his dad know"
"I don't have the number for his dad" I whine "Oh wait. I'll see if liam does" I finish. I text liam what's happening and ask if he has the number. He says he does but nialls dad is teriffying.

I laugh at that and ring bobby anyway.

"Who is this? What do you want?" A gruff voice snaps.
"Oh- erm. Hi? I'm harry-"
"-I dont care. What do you want?"
"I'm a friend of nialls. Erm he's at my house and is asleep. Can he- erm- sleep over?" I mumble. His dad is so freakin intimidating.
"No. He's in trouble. Send him home" He snaps.
"He's sleeping" I whine. I don't want to have to wake him up. He's cute asleep.

"Do you think I care? I don't. Wake up that waste of space and send him home."
My mum takes the phone off of me and snaps back at bobby "I don't care who the fuck you are. Don't you a dare speak to my son like that. Niall is welcome to stop over. Is that okay?" She says firmly.

I don't hear what bobby says back but mum says 'okay' and hangs up.

"He's welcome to stay"
"Cool" I grin and head upstairs. Mum follows to get me a spare pillow and we both stand in the doorway watching him sleep.

"Don't let him sleep in jeans" mum says.
"He said something wierd earlier" I mutter thinking back to our conversation. "He said he doesn't eat much as he isn't allowed with out permission"
"How did he seem?"
"He was almost asleep but. I don't know- I feel like- like there's something going on. He's hiding something"
"Well, the only thing you can do is be there for him. Support him. Help him. But harry? Don't force him or you'll lose the only chance you'll have. If you pressure him he'll close up and pull away" she says philosophically. That's not helpful mum. I need advice not a fortune cookie that makes sense but doesn't offer a solution.

"He's hardly gona talk to me about it. I don't think he considers us friends" I whisper.
"Well, maybe liam knows something. I'm not saying go behind nialls back and gossip about him. But perhaps liam knows why he struggles letting people in. If you know that, maybe you can find a way to convince him you're one of the good guys."
"That's a good idea mum" I offer a small smile and take my shirt and jeans off for bed. I then wonder over to niall and attempt to get his clothes off with out waking him up.

Even I had dirty thoughts at that sinario. But no, I mean so he can sleep better. I start with his shirt, being careful not to move him too much and hurt his back. He whines but doesn't wake up as I sit him up gently and pull the shirt up over his shoulders and head. His arms flopping out on their own.

I never realised before, but once I've laid niall back down I see it. His ribs. Every single one of them. And a light bruise that looks to be weeks old and is now almost faded.

I turn my head away not wanting to see the skin and bones laid before me. After a few minutes I realise I can't just sit here. Hovering over him. That's not helping anyone.

I pop the button on his jeans and pull den the zip before grabbing the bottom of each jean leg and gently pulling. I move my hands side to side as I pull to work them off him. Once fully off, I fold them and the shirt and drop them on the cupboard before climbing in next to him.

I flop down and snuggle into my pillow before I let sleep take over. I wake up 10 minutes later with nialls head laid on my chest and arm over my stomache. I sigh and fall back asleep.

Niall pov

The next morning is confusing. I'm so disorientated when I wake up. I can't see anything at first and when I move I realise I had my face smushed into harrys hair. No wonder I couldn't see.

I then fall back asleep because harry pulls me closer and whines 'stop moving'. Really who am I to say no to him.

___

"Niall?" I feel a hand card through my hair and lean into the touch. I hear a few chuckles and burrow further into the duvet.

"Come on. We have work" the voice mumbles.
"M fine 'ere" I slur.
"I know, so am i. But come on. I'm sorry" the voice says and I roll onto my back with a sigh. I open my eyes slowly and blink to adjust to the brightness of the room before my sight rests on harry.

"Why you in my house?" I yawn.
"I'm not. This is my house. You slept over" Harry replies.
"Yeah blondie. Hurry up were gona be late" Louis says.

"Why are louis and zayn here?" I yawn again whilst sitting up.
"We car pool. Come on I've got you some of my smaller clothes out and they should fit. Breakfast is ready so get dressed" harrys smiles handing over some jeans, a shirt, some boxers and socks.

"Thanks" I whisper and take the clothes. Once out of bed and the cold hits me I realise I'm in my briefs and socks. Nothing else!?

"Nice star wars briefs" Zayn laughs. I cover up instantly and frown. To my suprise harry and louis don't laugh. They both share a look. One of raised eye brows and mental conversations that no one else understands.

"How'd you get the bruise?" Louis asks me nodding to my stomache. I frown again and follow his gaze to the fading mark on my left ribs.

"I- oh- must have fallen" I lie.
"Looks sore"
"He's given me worse" reply easily. I freeze as soon as the words have left my mouth.
"Your dad?" Harry asks gently.
"Oh- n- no. Nothing. No one. Slip of the tongue. Jus forget it yeah?" I rush out and busy myself pulling the shirt over my head. I then change my socks and turn around so my back is to the boys as I take off my briefs and replace them with the boxers harry gave me. I then get the jeans on. They're a bit big but a lot tighter than my own baggy jeans.

"Skinnies suit you" Louis says casually.
"T- tanks"
"So. I feel like- under different circumstances we could have been friends? Like- I get you didn't flood the school to personally ruin my shoes. Maybe we could hang out? Get to know you better. You seem alright. And I dont mind being seen in public with you now your hair isn't green" Louis says joking at the end but looking me in the eye the whole time.

"Not really good at having mates" I say honestly.
"You and harry have done alright"
"That was all him. I don't even know where to start having a friend" I whisper.
"Do what ever you did to be friends with liam"

"I tagged the doctors building with a giant pair of boobs and told him if he didn't give me an alaby I'd a have his head." I mutter.
I expect him to slap me. I don't expect him and harry to burst out laughing and doubling over, leaning on each other for support.

"Come on, we'll all be late" Louis grins and leads me out of Harrys room with his arm over my shoulder.
True to his word, harry does have toast on the table waiting for me. After eating the two slices and giving louis the third we head off.

Once at the bakery I help louis with the list of what food we need to make.

I then help harry make the bread for zayn to do the sandwiches. And the chocolate cake to go in the front cabinet.

When it gets to 11am I have one of my shakes. I've kept the tub containong half of the powder in my locker. The other half is at home.

"What's that?" Zayn asks as I have a small sip.
"Oh- erm. A shake" I say lamely.
"A protein shake?" Harry asks.
I nod a little and have another mouthful to avoid looking at any of them.
"Isn't that for weight gain and nutrition?" He asks.
"Yeah" I whisper and walk off to wipe some of the tables. The already clean ones.

The rest of the day is tense. I feel the eyes of harry and louis and hushed whispers when they think I'm not listening. Unfortunately their mumbles are too mumbled to understand, so I'm no wiser as to what's actually been said. I do however, know it's probably something to do with the shakes.

It's around 4:30 when my dad comes in the shop. I tense up immediately and know I'm in for it as a soon as I see the look on his face. One of pure hatred. Pure anger. Pure - I'm going to knock you into next month and burry you alive under neath the patio in the garden.

"Niall. I was worried when you didn't come home" He says casually as if he's the world's best dad.
"S- sorry. I fell asleep at arrys" I stumble over my words to say back.
"You couldn't have called me?" He snaps.
"I called you, and you ended up talking to my mum" Harry buts in. Does he not realise how much worse he's making this? How much more the blows will hurt?

I close my eyes and take a deep breath to brace myself for the look of 'wait till you get home'. Once I open my eyes again, I'm aware I'm in for it. He has that half smirk half glare going on.

"Of course. I just worry about my son. Is that a crime?" He says abruptly.
"I- er- no. No it isn't" Harry mutters.
"Well. Harry is still defending you so I'm guessing you didn't piss the bed last night?" Dad smirks at me.
"N- no" I whisper, looking at the floor unable to meet anyone's eyes.

"I'll see you at home niall" he says before leaving. Once the door shuts I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and sigh in relief.

"Your dad is fucking terrifying" louis whisper shouts.
"I'll know. He's so intimidating" Harry agrees.
"Welcome to my world" I whisper before heading to the back room to collect myself before the doors open and customers start coming in.

Harry pov

Louis and I are quite worried about niall now. I knew there was something going on I just didn't know to what extent.

"Niall? This is my number. If you ever need anything or a lift to work or whatever, give me a ring or text" I say handing him a slip of paper.
"Oh, thanks arry" he smiles a little at me and it warms my stomache.

"Hey payno!" I hear louis shout and me and niall come out to see liam.
"Hey li" I grin.
"Hiya liam" niall offers a small wave.
"Hi guys. Looking good niall. Love the hair, are they skinny jeans? I thought they were only worn by 'posh little pretty boys that stick their noses up at everyone" liam laughs. I look at niall curiously, silently asking if he really thought that. The sheepish look on his face says he did.

"They're suprisingly comfortable" niall offers a small grin before serving a few customers.

"Is he okay?" Liam asks me when niall goes to open the floor for the lady, she has a pushchair and the door is a bit heavy.

"I think his dad's mad at him. He slept at mine last night" I mutter.
"Shit. He isn't going to like that" liam frowns.
"Why? What's bobbys problem?"
"I- I dont know. I just know niall is- how do I put this? His punching bag that can never do anything right."
"How long have you know he hurts niall?" I ask with a frown.

"Since his mum left I guess" he shrugs.
"His mum left 2 years ago! Are you telling me he's been hurting niall for two years? And to top it all off you knew and didn't do anything to help him?!" I snap. How dare he. How dare he stand there and claim to be nialls friend. A friend would have been there to help him. Not turn a blind eye and hope it went away.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

"Yes I knew. It wasn't my place to change things" liam says before walking off. Niall gives him a hug on his way out.
"Why didn't li stay?" He asks as he comes back behind the counter.
"Stuff to do I guess" I mutter and walk into the kitchen.

Today is really busy so I don't get chance to speak to louis about niall. I'm stuck making cake after cake and biscuits in between.

When 6pm eventually rolls round I'm so happy I could cry. I'm exhausted.

"Niall, want a lift home?" I ask as we all leave and I lock the doors.
"Nah it's okay. Don't live near you guys" he says and sets off walking before I can say I don't mind a detour. I drive louis home and then zayn before going home myself.

"How was work? Mum asks as I take my shoes off in the hallway.
"Long. I'm so tired" I complain and make a cup of tea.
"How's the niall situation?"
"I don't know. I mean- his dad is fucking terrifying. He came into the shop today and like- I dunno. He was really snappy with niall. But like, tried to embarrass him too. I don't know." I sigh.
"Did you talk to liam?"
"Yeah. Get this, liam knew. He knows bobby hurts him. Said he 'uses niall as his punching bag that can't do anything right'. He's known since him mum left two years ago" I grunt.

"And he's never said or done anything?"
"Nope. Apparently it wasn't his place to"
"Sure. I can see why he wouldn't want to help someone he calls a friend" mum says sarcastically.

"I want to help but i don't know how with out making things worse" I sigh.
"Has niall said anything to you?"
"No. He doesn't trust me yet." I whisper.

The conversation goes quiet after that, neither of us knowing what to say. I head up to my room and see if Gemma has any ideas on how to fix this.

"Gem? Can we talk?" I say as I walk into my sisters room. She's sat in shorts and her bra curling her hair to go out with the girls.
"Course, have a seat" she says and I sit on the bed in front of the mirror so I can look her in the eyes whilst she does her hair.

I tell her everything to do with niall and complain I want to help but don't know how to.

"So do you have nialls number? Text him, see if he's okay"
"Don't have it. He has mine but- I don't have his" I sigh.
"Well, go to his house. Pretend you wanted to see if he would go shopping with you or something. Check he's okay"
"I don't know where he lives. He knows our address but I don't - know um his" I finish lamely.

"So you don't have his number or address? Wow- you're really bad at this whole 'friends thing'". She comments.
"Gemma! Help me" I complain.

"Well. You mentioned liam knows the situation, maybe he can help"
"Help! He's fucking useless. He isn't worthy of being called nialls friend. He can go fucking suck a rotten egg because he's rotten" I shout.

"Wow. Such an insult" she comments dryly. "I was hinting that liam might know where he lives or have his number"

"Omg! Liam might know where he lives!" I repeat and jump up to give her a hug. Carefully as to not ruin her hair. It looks nice for a change.
"Cool. Now we've sorted that. Pick me a top to match these Shorts and bare in mind I'm having a fat day. Oh and get me a pad."

I look through her tops draw and find her a black cami and rest it on the bed before getting her a pad from her medication draw.

"They aren't in lines!" I complain. She has a thing where she organises them into the green section and the orange section. They all go in neat lines facing the same way and it's strangely satisfying to see. But this!? They're all just thrown in the draw. It's mahem.

"I had people round. Didn't want them to but uncomfortable so I threw them in there."
"Oh but it's okay for me to be uncomfortable. This is madness. It's unethical. This could start world war three" i say feeling genuinely betrayed she would do this.

"It's only a messy period pads draw"
"There's no order here" I complain as I take them out of the draw and separate the colors. I then turn them all the same way and put them back in neat little rows.

"Ever tell anyone you arranged my Maxi pads draw and they'll lock you up" she says seriously.

Gemma then pulls the top over her head and tucks it in loosely.
"Is that a thank you?" I grin.
"Yeah. It really is, it's been bugging me all day" she laughs.

"I don't know how to save him" I whisper.
"You can't save someone who doesn't think they need saving"

___

Niall pov

Once I get home I vacuum the house and sort the laundry out before making eggs and chips for tea. I then get a quick shower and throw some shorts and a top on and have my tea.

Dad comes in half way through me eating and I can smell the alcohol from the kitchen table.

"Hi dad" whisper knowing he gets mad if I don't greet him.
"Oh, you remember where you live do you?" He snaps.
"I'm sorry- I didn't meant to fall asleep"
"Course not. You just wanted to leave me on my own"
"No- I didn't mean to-"
"-shut up" he says calmly. It's worse when he's like this because you never know when the pain will come. When hes angry the pain is pretty instant and all in one go. When he's calm it could come at any time. In any form of assault.

"This my food?" He says as he opens the microwave door.
"Yea" I whisper, not looking up from my own plate.
"And did I say you could eat today?"
"No- you didn't say I wasn't allowed" I stutter.
"Oh? So that means you can help yourself does it? To my food. And my kitchen utensils. And my electric"
"I'm sorry"
"Okay" he says casually and walks off upstairs. I'm aware this is far from over.

It's an hour later when my hand has been stood on, my ribs have been battered and my back has 6 cigarette buds died out in it that my dad finally decides I've been punished enough. Aka he's gone to the pub to get the nutrients for round two.

My phone starts ringing just as I've gotten to my room and I answer to find out its harry. Who got my number from liam because he was worried.

"I don't need your help. Stop trying to stick your nose in. I'm not some Princess that needs saving. Especially not by you" I snap and hang up on him. I then call liam and ask him to come and get me.

At liams we have a round of fifa before getting ready for bed. We both just sleep in our boxers and get settled under the duvet.

"Ni?"
"Yeah?"
"You wanna-" he doesn't finish the sentence but rolls over so he's hovering over me. My breath catches as I feel hs hard on against my thigh.
"This good?"
"Yeah- yeah s good" I whisper, it turns into a moan as he rubs against my leg.
"This is for you" he whispers in my ear then bites down on to my neck. I moan and thrust up into his leg as he runs his tongue over my new bruise.

"Fuck yeah" I whimper.
"Shhh. Have to be quiet yeah? Don't wake my mum" he says as he nibbles my ear.
"Kay"
"You need prep?"
"I-wait- what?" I stutter trying to sit up.
"You do know how gay sex works right?" He asks with a grin on his face.
"I- yeah I know- but I don't- I'm not. I'm topping" I manage to stutter out.

He laughs then says "Good one. Next joke babe"
"I'm- I'm not joking" I say, feeling offended that he's laughing.
"Babe, you aren't- how do I put this, you aren't big enough to top me."
"You haven't even seen my dick- you don't know how big I am" I snap.
"Why do you fight against everything. It's like you're just waiting to push back Harder. You're not easy to be around"
"S my defence I guess. My way of protecting myself"

"Come on- let me take care of you" he whispers and kisses my lips again.

I'm still frowning and don't kiss back uni he lays me down and trails down my chest.
"You'll look after me?" I ask nervously.
"Course I will ni"
"I love you li" I whisper.
"I love you niall. You know that"

I'll give you a hint what happens next- I lose my virginity to the boy I've been in love with for 2 years.

I roll over and sigh before slowly opening my eyes and yawning. I rub my eye with my fist and grin when I see liams naked sleeping form next to me. I shuffle a little closer and am reminded of last night from the slight ache in my arse and lower back.

It makes me grin and press small little kisses to his shoulder.

"Didn't think you'd  still be here" liam mumbles as he starts to wake up.
"Why not?" I grin. Work can wait. I have a gorgeous man in bed with me. They'll understand.

"You don't seem the type to stay the morning after"
"Well I am" I grin then lean in to kiss his lips. He pushes me away slowly and frowns.
"What are you doing?"
"I- I wanted a kiss" I frown. We did way more than that last night, whys he being shy now?

"Niall- last night was-
"-amazing" I grin "M bit sore but so worth it" I add on.
"Last night was just sex you know?"
"I know it was sex. I know what sex is" I frown. He's acting really wierd.

"Ni it didn't mean anything. It was a one time thing yeah? We both just got off. Not a big deal"
"N- no- no you can't- not a big deal? I- I gave you my virginity. You think it was no big deal to me? It meant something to me! It matters to me!" I whisper.

How can he say it didn't mean anything. It was so perfect. He was kind and yeah a bit rough but I liked it. And he liked it. So why doesn't he want me? I gave him everything had left to give and- and it still wasn't enough.

"It was just sex"
"Yeah. You've said that" I whisper and turn my head away so he doesn't see the tears.
"this is awkward" liam mutters and gets up from the bed. He gets some clothes on and I feel him staring at me. I turn further away not being able to bring myself to look at him. After more tears fall.

"I have work so ur- do you want a lift some where?" He mutters. I can tell he doesn't want to, he's just being polite.

"Nah. You're alright" I mumble as I pull myself out of his bed and get dressed. I wince when I lean down to pick up my clothes but turn away from liams 'concerned face'.

"Have you got work?" Liam asks as I walk out of his room.
"Yea"
"Niall that nearly 8 miles away. Let me drive you-"
"-why? It was just sex remember? According to you anyway so you don't owe me anything." I say before grabbing my shoes and walking out.

Three streets over I stop to put my shoes on then have a little sit down and another cry. The further I walk the more my arse and back hurts.

It's 8:03 when I call harry. I'm no where near work. According to Google maps I'm still 7 miles away.

"Hello?"
"Hi- arry? It's- er it's niall" I stutter
"Hey niall. What's up?"
"I'm- er- I'm no where near work. I'm gona be late in"
"How come? Where are you?"
"I'm um- i-" I start trying to explain but end up crying instead.
"Hey hey hey niall? Are you okay? Are you safe?" He rushes out.

"M near Green Oak Estate"
"Why are you over that end? Wait- doesn't liam live near there?"
"I- yeah. I- um- stayed over"
"Ah okay, there's a BP station near by, wait there for me ill be 15 minutes"
"Yeah. I see it. Thanks arry" I whisper as I notice the BP Station. I head over and use the last £2 in my wallet to buy a coffee and have a seat at one of the tables out side the built in cafe.

I'm only here 10 minutes before harry slides into the chair opposite me.
"I'm sorry I shouted at you. Thank you for- for coming to get me" I whisper, not meeting his eyes for fear he'll find out all my secrets.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. As long as your safe I don't care." He doesn't mention my crushed hand or tear stained cheeks and I'm greatful for it.
"Why are you so nice to me. I'm nothing but rude to you" I sigh.
"I consider us friends and I'm nice to my Friends" he smiles.
"Can I ask you somethin?" He nods. "Are you- I mean have you ever- had urm- sex?"

He frowns and raises an eye brow but nods.
"Did you love her. Or him?"
"Not really. We were dating but I wouldn't say we were at the love stage"
"I- I had s- sex with liam" I whisper, looking at my cup, waiting for him to judge me.

"He's fit I'll give you that" he says lightly. I smile a little and he says "but, you love him and I don't sense it ended with him declaring his love back"
"Last night- before we- did it- I told him I loved him and he said it back. We say it all the time but it felt different- you know? But this morning he- he said it was jus- jus sex. Jus to get- o- off. I don't- I don't know what I did wrong. I mean- I gave him my virginity- I literally gave him everything I had- everything I had left to give someone and it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough" I whimper.

Chapter Text

Niall pov

"So is this where you tell me not to cry and that I can do better?" I mutter as harry hands me some napkins he got for my nose and eyes.
"No, because it won't help or make you feel better. Despite how true it is" he offers a small smile.

"I love him arry. I love him so much it hurts" I whisper.
"I know you do. I can see it. I see the look you give him when you see him"
"I thought he felt the same you know? I mean, he knew I was a virgin. He knew I wanted to loose it to someone special. Why take someone's virginity if you don't have feelings for them? Sounds stupid but I did want it to be special. With someone I love. With someone who loves me"
"He does love you. Just maybe not in the same way you love him"

"I don't feel up to working today" I mutter.
"Well don't, I can take you home and have a duvet and dvd day. Could even get you some ice cream on the way home"
"Me dad's in. Don't feel up to facing him either" I laugh despite the lack of humour.
"I could take you to mine? You can chill in my room. Watch dvds, have a sleep. I have to go back to work, can't leave only two workers on a Saturday. But I'll come bug you on my lunch and after work"

"Won't it weird me being in your house with out you there?"
"Nah. My mum will be in but she has a yoga class so won't bother you"
"I- I dont want to intrude" in all honesty it sounds lovely. To be able to sleep and cry with out worrying my dad will find me. To relax, I mean properly. I haven't done that in two years.

"You won't be. Look at it as a spa day - at my house" he grins.
"If you're sure you don't mind-"
"-course not. Come on, ill even stop at Asda to get you some chocolate"

True to his word he comes out of the shop with a bag of mixed chocolate and sweets and a load of cans of pop. Forget him cheering me up - I think he's trying to give me diabetes!

We're ten minutes from harrys house when I finally pluck up the courage to say something I've held in for two years. Something I've never allowed myself to say out loud for fear he'd find out.
"I miss her" I whisper. Part of me hopes he didn't hear me, but I feel the side ward glance and know he did.

"Your mum?" He asks gently.
"Yeah. She- she didn't even say goodbye. I know it's stupid- why miss someone who couldn't even say bye to you but- but I do. I miss her more than ever. 'Specially now."

"It's not stupid. You love her. It's understandable to miss her"
"It's just- I can't help feeling like she didn't say bye because- she- she knew I'd want to go with her. And she didn't want me to."
"It's sure that isn't the case. Maybe she tried to say bye but- couldn't. It must have been hard for her to walk away. I'm not making excuses for her- I'm trying to make you feel better " he says shyly.

"Would you go with her now? If you knew where she was, would you go?" Harry says after a few minutes silence.
"I- I dont know. At the time I wanted nothing more. But now? I don't know her. She could be worse than him"
"Why haven't you reported bobby. Don't deny it- he abuses you. Emotionally, physically, mentally - I've seen it. I see it - in your eyes. I'm not sure about sexually and I pray to God he hasn't touched you-"

"-he hasn't. Not like that. I'm too disgusting. He could never even bring himself to hug me, never mind anything else" I sigh. That's out the way I guess. At least harry knows how fucked up I am. It's his choice to stay or not. Personally I give him an hour before he comes to his senses and realises I'm a waste of space.

"Thank fuck for that!" He sighs. "Why haven't you reported him?" He asks again.
"My word against his. Even if they do believe me- I dont have any other family - 'Cept me mam. Dunno where the fuck she is. They'll put me in care. I ain't going into care"
"You rather be beaten up everyday? And starved? He's a bully. He's bullying you. Mentally- he's messing with your head. Emotionally - he's drowning you and physically- he's hurting you. Why would you want to stay with that?"
"It's the lesser of two evils" I whisper.

"What if I helped you find her? Your mum. If I helped you find her would you either go with her and be safe or report him and be safe?"
"You'd help me track her down?" I gasp. I'm shocked he would offer to do something so big. Especially for a nobody like me.
"If you promise me, you'll report him once we find her. Yes. I'll help you"
"Thank you arry. I really mean that. Thank you so much" I say as honestly as I can. "And I promise" I add on with a little smile.  He offers a smile back and my heart flutters slightly.

Harry takes me back to his and shows me up to his room again and shows me where everything is and how to use the dvd player etc. Before saying he has to go.

I hear him talking to him mum on his way out before the front door closes.

I lay on his bed for a bit and have a bit of a cry. I'm allowed. I think. Well my dad isn't here to beat me up for it so I am. I wake up around 2 hours later with sore eyes but feeling quite refreshed. I wipe my eyes and go to the bathroom. Once there I wash the tear stains off my cheeks and go back to his room.

I then watch Mean Girls and Frozen whilst eating chocolate. Harrys mum Anne comes in half way through frozen and asks if I need anything and if I'm okay. Which is nice of her. I tell her I'm okay thank you. She smiles at me and tells me to let her l know if I need anything.

I have one of the cans of coke and eat some strawberry laces and that's how harry finds me just after 1:30 when he comes in.

"Hey, how you feeling?" He smiles.
"Don't have any of them" I say with a mouth full of strawberry laces.
"Feelings?" I nod. "Ahh okay. So, how are you doing? Are you any better?"
"Clever" I laugh. "Yeah m getting there. Thanks for covering me today. I appreciate it. What did the guys say?"

"Not much. I told them you slept at liams last night and I was going to pick you up because you got lost. And then I told them you were sick so I took you home"

"Thank you. I get the impression you don't like lying to people. I'm really greatful"
"I don't- but- I get the impression YOU don't like people knowing about your life"
"I don't" I laugh.

"So, I've done a little diging around - meaning a friend of mine, Josh, he's good at finding people. He said he'll look into finding your mum. The more details we can give him the faster he can find her"

"That's amazing! You are amazing!" I squeel. I get off the bed and dive on harry, greatful he puts his arms out to catch me so we don't both fall.

"Okay, so is she a Horan?"
"No- Gallagher, Maura Gallagher"

After giving harry all the information I can about my mum he texts it all to josh and says he has to go back to work. Which means I can have another little nap.

I go to sleep thinking, I can't wait to meet my mum. I hope she likes me. I hope she isn't disappointed or disgusted in me like my dad is.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

Its a pretty busy day at work but Saturdays usually are so I'm not suprised really. I've texted all the information to josh and he's already working on finding nialls mum, Maura.

I'm annoyed at what liam did to him because nobody deserves that,  especially not niall. His life is shit enough and he deserves a break. However I am kinda happy because it means that i get to help niall and show him he can trust me. I can show him that we aren't all bad guys.

When I lock up and drop the boys at their homes I drive to mine and find niall asleep. According to my mum he's slept alot today. I know it's god for healing and such, but im worried he won't sleep tonight if he sleeps all day. So I wake him up. After a cuddle.

He looks about 12 when hes asleep. He's adorable and really... innocent? But he's also really stunning and has that natural beauty behind him.

I climb into bed behind him and pull him closer to me for a cuddle. He snuggles into me almost immediately and it makes me smile.

"Hiya arry" niall mutters.
"Hey niall. Have you eaten today?" I ask niall as we're cuddled under my duvet.
"Had strawberry laces and a Cadburys Caramel chocolate bar" he mumbles. I laugh at his honesty and pull him closer to me. "I saved you half, it's on the cupboard" he yawns as he come too.

"Thank you, sorry to wake you but you won't sleep tonight" I says softly as he wakes up properly.
"S 'kay. Thanks azza" he yawns.
"Do you want to stay here tonight?" I ask, not really wanting him to go back home and get beaten up again.
"It'll jus make things worse. Thank you though" he sighs but offers me a small smile.

"Well, could I sleep at yours?" I don't want to leave niall there but if he's insistant then I'm sure as hell not leaving him there on his own. No matter how terrified I am to stay there with him.
"Really? You want to?" He frowns.
"I don't particularly want to stay there with him- he's pretty intimidating. But I don't want to leave you on your own" I say honestly.

"He won't hurt you. Never hurts anyone else. If you want to you can, but you don't have to"
"Great. I'll pack a bag" I grin. Once I turn to pack I take a deep breath.
"I only have a single bed" he whispers like he's ashamed.

"Well, we didn't use a double when you slept here. You just laid on me so well be fine" I grin at him and he laughs. I'm taking it as a win.

On our way to nialls house liam rings him.
"Answer, don't answer?" He asks me.
"That's up to you. Personally he's a dick head and can do better. A friend wouldn't do what he did" I reply whilst indicating to turn left.

I see him decline the call and it warms my heart that he takes my advice seriously. Not long after I park up outside nialls house, him directing me as I've gone and we both sigh. Neither of us make a move to go into the house. It's a synchronised protest of how much neither of us wants to go in.

"Come on then" niall mumbles after around five minutes of staring at the front door. I grab my bag off the back seat and we head in. The house is small and really needs decorating but I can tell it is kept clean. The floors are clean and there isn't stuff everywhere. Despite the run down area and dated wallpaper, it's a clean and fresh smelling home. Not what I expected but then again, I never really know what to expect with niall

"This is my room. Erm, you can put your bag anywhere" niall whispers as he shows me his room. Which is more like a cupboard. It's tiny. There's a single bed, a set of draws and a Justin Bieber poster on the wall. That's it. There is a picture on the draws that is of niall, bobby, who I'm assuming is Maura and another boy who looks a bit like niall.

Niall sees me looking at it and confirms it's his mum and the other boy is his brother greg who left 5 years ago and never came back.

"Can I Send Josh a picture of your mum? might help find her quicker" I ask. I don't really want to just take a picture of the picture with out nialls permission.

"Yeah course. Thanks for asking, you're too polite sometimes" he smiles at me. A small smile, like a private one meant just for me.
"It's a curse" I joke, which earns a quiet giggle from him.

"Niall!" I hear a slurred voice shout. I nearly jump out of my skin, niall doesn't even flinch, just says 'wait here' quietly before going down. I do sort of listen, I stay upstairs but hover on the hallway to listen to what's being said.

"That's a fancy little car outside"
"It's arrys, he um, he's upstairs, I asked him to sleep over" he lies.
"Oh really? And did you not think to ask first?"
"You don't mind when liam stays over" I can hear the frown in his voice.
"I like liam. I don't like harry. He's curious. And you know what they say- curiosity killed the cat"

"Please don't hurt him. Do what ever you want to me but leave arry alone" I hear niall beg.

"I think not."bobby laughs I then hear him get closer to the stairs and stand back away from the banister so he doesn't see me. I also breath in and hold my breath for some unknown reason.

"Harry. Oh harry. I know you're up there" bobby sings and I'm actually nearly pissing myself right now.

"Niall. Why don't you make sure harry comes down here" is what's said before I hear a thump man niall cry out in pain. That's all I needed to run downstairs and see if he's okay.

I'm met with niall curled up on the floor and bobby kicking him in the ribs.
"Stop it!" I shout and push bobby away from niall, I then crouch down to see if he's okay. I can tell he isn't, and wipe some tears from his face. He doesn't move just breaths harshly for a few seconds before I'm pulled up by my hair and punched in my left eye.

The pain is rediculous and I can already feel the swelling and blurry vision. The force knocks me backwards and I land on my arse with a groan.

"Fuck" I grunt. I look up and see bobby staring at me with an 'im going to batter the shit out of you' look and I nearly piss myself again. Niall gets up and limps his way over until he's standing in front of me. I can see him swaying slightly but he's stood firm.

"Leave him alone" niall says.
"Oh. Protecting your boyfriend are you?"
"He's just a friend. But im not letting you hurt him"

Before bobby can reply, liam walks through the front door.
"What's going on? Why's harry here?"

"He WAS sleeping over. Can we go to yours?" Niall asks me as he helps me off the floor.
"Course" I whisper, incredibly greatful I get to go home and we can both be safe from him.
"Lets get your bag and we can go" niall says. In all fairness it would make sense for one of us to get the bag, but I don't want to stay down here on my own. Or leave niall alone.

"Why was harry sleeping over again?" Bobby asks as we head upstairs.
"He's helping me find my mum. So I can get away from you!" niall snaps.

Theres a look of horror and ... fear? On bobbys face. Liams mirrors bobbys and it makes me feel like they're hiding some thing.

As we're upstairs I hear liam and bobby whisper shouting at each other, so I grab my bag and go to the hallway so I can listen. Niall follows and I motion for him to be quiet.

"All you had to do was make him forget about her!" Liam snaps.
"I tried-"
"-not hard enough. He can never find out-"
"- You don't think I know that! I know what's at stake here liam." Bobby snaps back.

"Do you? Well then why didn't you make niall think she didn't love him? That's the best way to stop him looking for answers"
"I tried. You don't know what it's like living with him everyday for two years. He reminds me so much of her. His eyes, his smile and now the blonde hair"

"If he finds out, everyone will suffer. We all loose everything!"
"He won't find out. No one saw us. We covered out tracks like professionals. Just keep quiet and wait it out. He'll get bored eventually and give up this phase" bobby sighs.

"Why do you hurt him? If you hadn't none of this would be happening because harry would never have gotten involved. He wouldn't have started playing the hero to save niall"
"He reminds me of her. I miss her okay? I'm only human and I miss my wife. I lost it when I found out she was leaving. I couldn't let her take niall. He's all I had left from a broken family" bobby whispers.

It's quite hard to hear him but both niall and myself heard every word. Niall is covering his mouth with his previously crushed hand and tears are falling down his cheeks once again. I hold him against me and run my hand though his hair soothingly.

"Lets go ni" I whisper and lead him to the top of the stairs.
"You love niall so much you batter him everyday?" Liam scoffs. "Maura was leaving you. You can't have loved either of them that much, considering you killed and burried her under the patio!" We both stop dead.

"You killed her, liam. Not me. You killed her Because she ended the affair you were having. We burried her so niall didn't loose his mother and best friend in the same day!!"

"You killed her. She- she's dead?" niall whispers through tears. Liam and bobby turn like deers caught in head lights and stare at us like we're holding guns to their heads.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

"Niall. What are you gona do?" Bobby asks after a minute of silence. No one has said anything, niall is just staring at the floor with tears silently falling. I tried to give him a hug but he shrugged me off softly. I think he needs a minute to digest everything.

Niall doesnt answer but he does start quietly talking to liam. The calm before the storm.
"You know, three years or so ago, when you were in hospital. I came to see you and you told me you'd been sleepin with someone you shouldn't have. Her husband found out and beat you up. That was me mum?" He whimpers through more tears.

"Y- yes- niall I'm so-"
"-I lost my virginity to you. And you lost it -  to my mum" he breaths harshly like he's going to pass out. "You gave me details- told me how good it was- and- and" niall gags and before I know it he's throwing up over his shoes. I grab hold of him to steady him as he empties his stomache over my shoes as well.

"I'm sorry niall. I just- it was an accident-"
"-what you tripped and ended up in bed fucking my mum! I'd have been in the next room. Oh my god- in their bed?!"
"We didn't mean to fall in love!"
"Love? You don't know the meaning of the word-"
"-I loved your mum" he argues.

"So much you killed her?" I ask harshly.
"That was also an accident. We- she was leaving me for HIM and I- we were arguing at the top of the stairs and I just snapped. I pushed her and -" liam doesn't finish but we all know how the story ends.

"She was leaving you for her HUSBAND she was never yours to begin with" I say as I hold on to niall who is now shaking. With shock or rage I'm not sure.

"She was in my bed." liam mutters with a slight smirk.
"Liam that isn't helping. Niall, what are you going to do?" Bobby says panicked.
"I- I don't know" niall whispers as he takes  a few deep breaths to regulate his breathing.

"I'm- I'm reporting you" he says quietly, then grabs my arm and drags me out of the front door.

"Niall wait! Do that and you'll loose everything-" liam argues as he follows us outside.
"-I'VE ALREADY LOST EVERYTHING! My whole life has been a lie. I lost my brother. I thought I'd found you. I lost my mum. Then I lost my dad. And now I've found out I never had you in the first place" niall shouts. I've never seen him angry and it's quite impressive he can shout that lous.  Although his accent is stronger so I struggle to make out exactly what he's saying.

"Things just happened. And before I knew what was going on, everything fell apart" liam says.
"No. MY everything fell apart. From what I can see, you haven't lost anything here!"
"I Lost your mum"
"You killed my mum. And apparently burried her under the patio"
"Niall-"
"-I dont understand why you'd sleep with my mum. You were my best friend-" niall mumbles as yet more tears fall.
"-it was exiting and dangerous. She was attractive- really knew what she was doing-"
"-ew! Don't give me the details again! I don't get why you'd take my virginity, knowing that you'd already got with her. But hey, dangerous? How would you feel if I slept with your mum!?"

"Girls don't do it for you. " He says bluntly.
"You call yourself a friend" niall whispers as he walks towards my car. I follow and liam asks "when I fucked you did I use a condom?"
Niall looks at the floor before shaking his head softly.
"Might wanna get checked then. I got HIV from fucking Maura"

That's the final straw before I turn around and punch liam in the face. He goes down like a lead balloon and I kneel over him punching him repeatedly in the face.

"You can't beat the Aids out of me" he grunts.
"Arry, leave him. Can- can we go back to yours? Please" I asks with a shaky voice and more tears are falling down his pale little cheeks.

"Course. Come on babe" I say as I get off liam and we head to my car once again.

"Awe leaving so soon? You could have stayed. I'm sure harry would have loved a show, niall. Would have loved to see how you begged for it. Not like your mum. She was a woman. She knew what she wanted and knew exactly how to get it." Liam starts goading.

Blew me into oblivion she did. Not like you, couldn't even take half of my length. Pathetic. How does it feel, knowing your mum was a better fuck than you?"

"Shut up" I snap as I turn around to hit him again. He flinches and sulks back to bobbys house.

"Ni? What do you want to do?" I ask softly as we get into the car. We don't go anywhere, I just lock the doors and we wait. For what I'm not sure.

"I'll- I should call the cops. Let em know. Then they can- um- find her before she's moved"
"Good idea"

We sit in silence as niall calls it in. We're told to wait in the car and the police will be here with in 10 minutes with the forensic team.

The police arrive ten minutes later and start taking up the patio slabs. Both bobby and liam are arrested. Liam on murder and perverting the course of justice. And bobby for perverting the course of justice, child endangerment, child abuse and neglect.

We both give our statements separately and I can hear niall crying and stuttering from inside the ambulance. It's horrific. Once we've done that we're both allowed to wait in the ambulance where it's a bit warmer.

"Niall, do you have anywhere else to stay?" One of the lady cops says.
"He can stay with me" I butt in, it earns me a small smile from niall as he watches them carry Mauras body into the back of the Medical Assessment van.

The tape is put around the house as it's a crime scene. Meaning niall has no clothes or belongings with him.

"I feel so ashamed" niall whispers.
"Niall this isn't your doing. It's not your fault okay? Liam is a dick. And so is bobby."

"It's my so called family. My best friend had an affair with my mum and then murdered her. And my dad helped him hide the body in our garden. I feel so stupid for not knowing. And so stupid for sleeping with him. No wonder I wasn't good enough at sex if he'd been sleeping with her. She was 40! She had at least 20 years experience. He was 16. 16 years old. And now what? What do I do now?" He asks quietly.

"I've lost everything arry. My whole world has fallen apart and- I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here. I'm so scared arry"

"I know you are, but what we do is, we get you help. We get you healthy and happy and safe. The rest can come later" I say as I pull him in for a cuddle.

"Even though I could have HIV? You're still going to help me?" He mumbles.
"Of course. You need all the support you can get right now"

"Are you gona be something else that I have to survive? Because I'll tell you the truth, I'm not strong enough" niall whimpers as a small tear falls from his right eye.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

One of the police officers drive us both back to my house, saying I shouldn't drive whilst in shock. They're nice and tow my car as we go so I still have a car at least. I'm just glad the bakery isn't open on Sundays because neither of us would be going in.

Niall is silent the entire journey. I tried talking to him to see what's going on in his head, but he just started crying and turned away from me.

I know he's scared, he told me. Meaning he must be terrified. From what I can tell, niall isn't one to show emotion, or tell anyone how he's feeling. So for him to tell me he's scared, I know it's serious.

I'm also aware he said he wasn't going into care. The scary thing is, I believe him. I know if it comes to that, he'll fight it. He'll fight his way through to the other side and run. If that happens, I can't see him - no, I know, he won't be coming back. I feel selfish saying this, but I don't want him to leave. I don't want to lose him.

Once we get to mine, I once again lead him up to my room. My mum gave him a big hug I'm the hallway which made him cry again, but we eventually make it.

"Do you want some PJ's?" I ask softly as I sit him on the edge of the bed.
"I- I dont know. I don't know anything anymore" he whispers. I wipe his tears and pull him in for a cuddle which sets him off crying again.

"Cos - cos liam said he has HIV, they tested me. After I gave me statement. They cleaned my back from the cigs and wrapped up my hand" he says slowly and holds up his bandaged hand. "I don't want HIV" he whispers.

"No one would. But it's not the end of the world. They have medication now- they can control it"
"What so I take meds for the rest of my life? Rattle everytime I move? I'll feel like a walking box of tick tacks"

I chuckle quietly at that and niall gives a soft smile.

"I know you're scared. But im here, my mums here and gemma. And louis- he's been asking how you are" I say honestly. "You have the right to be scared and angry and wanna smash stuff up, but please stay?"
"You think I'm gona run?" He says quietly like he's covering the fact I'm on to him.

"I know you are." I say pointedly.
"I promised to report him. I never promised to stay" he mutters.
"Then promise me now. Promise you'll stay" I whisper with slight urgency.
"That's not a promise I know I can keep"

My heart shatters at that one sentence. I know he's scared. I know he's lost and alone, but im here! I'm here and I'm helping him and that should be enough. I don't have to be here, and yet I am. Doesn't that tell him im in it for the long haul? It breaks my heart but it makes me more angry. Angry that he's still pushing me away.

"Why don't you accept the help that's being offered? I'm trying to help you! I want you here. I need you here with me. So I can keep you safe" I rant with my voice raised slightly.

"Stay for what? I have nothing left! I have nothin to stay for! I have no family. No friends. A job I got on probation-"
"-me! You have me!-"

"-yeah I have you. For now. Till you realise how fucked up I am and leave. Then what do I have? A big fat nothing. I'm not like you, I don't make friends easily. I fuck up everywhere I go. Being the golden kid, that's your scene, not mine-"

"-so, you think I'm just a little pretty boy?" I scoff.
"I know you are. It's what everyone loves about you! But im not like that. I'm not the good child. I'm the screw up that dropped out of school and ruins everything I touch. I'm a nobody" he argues back.

"You're a somebody to me" I whisper, locking my eyes with his.

For the first time since meeting the faux blonde, he's speechless.

 "Like I said, you're the golden boy. It's what everyone loves about you" niall says eventually.

"Why are you doing this? I'm here! I'm offering you a home, clothes, support. I'm trying to help you but you just keep pushing me away."
"It's what I do" he shrugs.
"A defence technique. A way to protect yourself. When are you going to realise, I'm not trying to hurt you? You don't need to protect yourself from me"

"People always hurt you eventually. If you don't let 'em in, they can't hurt you" he whispers.
"I'm not going to hurt you"
"That's what they all say"
"Well, look at it this way, I'm still here. You didn't expect me to stay after all this and I have, what does that say to you?"

"You're persistent" he comments.
"I'm here! I'm trying to help-"
"-I dont need help! I'm fine!" He shouts.

"Course you are. What with all your family and friends around you, you're just dandy. Perfect even. What do you need me for right?" I snap.

He doesn't say anything.

"You're so used to fighting against everything you can't see when someone is offering you help. You just can't see it" I say a bit softer.

"I don't trust it" he glares at me. Icy and cold like I'd just murdered his puppy.
"Okay. You don't trust me. What can I do to change that?"
"Let me go" he whispers.

Now it's my turn to be speechless. I start to argue but he cuts me off.

"I can't stay here arry. I promised I'd report him and I have. I've lost everything. I have nothing left. Nothing left to stay for. 'Cept you. You're the only thing keeping me here"

"That's good! Then you can't leave-"
"-I can. You just have to let me."
"I can't do that-"
"-and I can't stay with nothing here for me."
"I'm here" I whisper again.

"I'm know. And you've been amazing. You really have. But arry- you need to let me leave"
"No! You can't leave" I say defiantly.
"I can though arry. You just need to let me. Let me go." he whispers through the gentle flow of tears falling down his pale little cheeks.

My eyes once again lock with his and I see it. The need to leave. The need to be free from the pain and suffering he's been through. The need to get away and start again. The need to not be 'the boy who's best friend fucked his mum'. The 'boy who's best friend murdered his mum'. The 'boy who was beaten by his dad for two years'. 'The orphan'.

Making the hardest decision I've ever had to make, I close my eyes and slowly nod. When I open my eyes, some of my tears fall and and my bedroom is empty.

Chapter Text

I say night to my mum and gemma like normal, telling them nialls already asleep. I then crawl into bed and wait for everyone else to turn in for the night. I listen to my music through my headphones for an hour and when I take them out, hear the soft snoring of my mum. I quietly sneak out of bed and go down stairs to the front door. I take the chain off and put the keys on the floor to look like they've been posted through the letter box.

I then sneak back upstairs and climb into bed. I wait a further 5 hours, managing to get a bit of sleep in before getting out of bed. Purposely making enough noise to wake them.

"Niall?" I call out and I walk into the bathroom 'looking for him'. I keep calling his name through out the house until Gemma comes out of her room.
"What are you doing. Go back to bed" she grunts at me.
"I can't find niall. Have you seen him?" I lie.
"Erm. No I haven't. Have you searched the whole house?" I nod. "Shit. You don't think he'd run away do you?" Gemma asks.

"I- I dont know" I lie again.
"MUM!" I hear Gemma frantically talking to my mum who's getting ready for yoga.

"Harry. Oh God. Let me call Jodie" mum says as she heads down stairs.
"Who's jodie?"
"Nialls social worker. She was coming round today to discuss what's best for him. Arrange somewhere suitable for him to live. Oh God he has. He's left. I locked up last night and left the keys in the door as usual. I left the chain on too" mum says as she picks up the keys and then marches for the phone.

I go for a shower and stay in there a lot longer than necessary. But im past caring. I keep wondering if nialls okay. He has no clothes. No passport. His phone must be dead by now. He has no money.

I won't admit out loud but I do cry. A little. I'm in my own world when Gemma says the social worker wanted to talk to me. I tell her I'll be five minutes and rinse the conditioner off my hair.

I throw some socks, pants, skinny jeans and a shirt on and head down.

"Harry. Hi I'm jodie. I realise this must be hard for you. I've spoken to everyone niall has had contact with and they've all said you've really been there for him. I'm sorry to do this but, do you have any idea where he might have gone?"

"No. I'm sorry" I whisper, looking at the table.
"It's okay. He can't have gotten far. He hasn't got a passport so he can't leave the country. Well have officers on alert incase he gets a fake one. As for money, if he gets put on the books for a job or house we can track that and find him"

"But you aren't going to look for him?" I ask quite pissed of that they aren't going to look for him unless he comes out of hiding.
"Harry he could be anywhere-"
"-exactly. Anywhere with anyone. He could be hurt or scared and he's all alone out there! He's a child. A vulnerable child." I snap and storm out. I slam the front door and head over to louis house.

"Hey harry, erm come in" he says, taken back I've shown up un announced. I usually text or call first.
"I've fucked up louis" I mutter once we're in his room.
"How? This about niall? That fit social lass came round earlier. He's really gone?"

"Yeah- I- he. He left- last night-"
"-wait. I though he left through the night? Unless- he didn't-"
"-we got back to mine and he was terrified lou. He said he needed to get away. From the pain and the gossip and the rumours. He didn't want to be that kid. I asked him to stay but he- he said he never promised to stay after he reported bobby"

"Then you made him promise to? Right?"
"I tried. He said it wasn't a promise he could keep and that I was the only thing keeping him there. The only thing worth staying for"
"He asked your permission to leave" Louis guesses and I nod through the tears. "And you let him because it's what he wanted. You let him go" I nod again.

"But I want him back. I don't care if it's not what he wants. It's what I want. I want him with me. Safe and warm and out of harms way. You know he slept with liam?" I ask.
"What!? When?!" I just sigh and louis says "I can't help if I only know half a story"

"The night before I picked him up and told you and zayn he was sick. Liam- he took nialls virginity and then made out like it didn't mean anything" I mutter.

"But niall has feelings for liam. He's loved him for two years. Top it all of, liam was sleeping with nialls mum Maura and killed her Because she wouldn't leave bobby for him. Bobby helped hide her body under the patio in the garden" I finish the story to louis 'Oh my fucking god!' Face.

"Poor kid. No wonder he wanted to get away from here."
"But it's too dangerous for him to!" I yell. Then sigh "Before he was arrested, liam told niall he has HIV. They didn't use protection"

"Shit. Niall could have Aids?!"
"Yeah. They tested him after give our statements. But he hasn't gotten the results, meaning if he has them, he doesn't know. Or have any meds to control it"

"You really know how to pick them haz. Seriously, first Luke now Niall? It's like you're drawn to people with more baggage than a fucking airport"

"It's different this time! Luke was a jerk and I didn't see that. Niall isn't. He's scared and alone and he needs me!"
"If he needed you he would have stayed!"
"No. No he wouldn't. He thinks everyone is out to hurt him. He doesn't know who to trust anymore. I need to find him"

"Harry" Louis sighs "I don't want you to get hurt again"
"I won't. He won't hurt me louis. He's lashing out because he's feeling vulnerable and doesn't know how to handle it"
"How do you plan on finding him?" Louis whispers after a minute. Not implying he's going to help, but not implying he's going to try and stop me either.

"Josh?"
"Okay. What when you've found him? How are you going to convince him to come back? And if he does- I'm saying IF- where's he living?"

"With me" I say firmly.
"Okay." Louis sighs again then continues "If- he lives with you, social services won't allow it unless your mum adopt or fosters him. How would it work with you being in love with your brother?"

"I'm not in love with him" I argue.
"You are. I see it. You look at him the same way he looked at liam."
"I don't know! All I know is I need him safe"
"Okay, okay. First things first, let's find him" he says reassuringly.

___

It turns out finding him is a lot harder than I thought it would be and a week later, we still don't have a lead as to where he could be.

Luckily niall turns his phone on for five minutes and we're able to get his location. Okay, Josh is.

"Inverness? As in, Scotland?"
"Yep. That's the one"
"Lou you coming?" I ask as I get off joshs bed and head down to my car.
"You're driving to Inverness?" Louis scoffs.
"Yup. If you're coming get in"
"It's like 300 miles away" Louis mutters as he gets into the car.

"451 miles actually. If you go on the A9. It will take you 8 hours and 16 minutes. I'll put the route into the sat nav" josh says as he does just that.

My phone rings as I get my belt on and I answer it to my mum.
"Hey mum. What's up?"
"Jodie is here. She has nialls test results back. It's not good news harry. They came back positive. Niall has HIV"
"Okay- thanks for telling me. I'm erm- I'm staying at lou's lonight. Don't wait up" I whisper before hanging up.

"We're really driving to Scotland?" Louis repeats.
"Yep. Anyone need a pee stop before we go?" I say determinedly as josh belts up in the back.
"The results?" Louis guesses.
"Yeah. He- he's positive" I sigh as I reverse out of he drive.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

The drive is pretty straightforward. We still get lost 3 times. I blame louis for snoring in my ear and distracting me. I then let him off the hook as he offers to drive while I sleep. I manage a whole 2 hours sleep before josh is waking me up saying we're here. Well, at a cafe in Inverness.

We all head in and get a full English breakfast and coffee. Lots of coffee. Whilst drinking all this coffee, Louis decides to ask how we find where he actually is. Pointing out that Inverness is actually quite big.

"Well, I've narrowed it down to a 5 mile radius if that helps" josh inputs.
"That does help! We can ask people if they've seen him" I say rather exited that we're getting somewhere. Finally!

We dive over the the area josh tells us to and start asking people if they've seen him. Luckily, I have the family photo on my phone of niall and his family. The one I sent to josh. We start showing people the image of him adding 'he's now blonde'. Until finally a woman around 30 says he works at 'Shimmer'.

"What's that" I ask with a scrunched up nose.
"Sounds like a strip club" Louis laughs.
"It is. He's a dancer there" the woman says before walking off before I can ask how she knows that.
"I've always wanted to go to a stupid club" josh grins.
"Same. But I've never been so scared to thinking about what I'd find"

"He'll be fine" Louis says as he googled where 'Shimmer' is. It's 2.3 miles away apparently. I can't be arsed walking so we drive over. All of us using the excuse, we may need to make a quick get away. It's bullshit and we all know it.

Once we get there I'm nervous. I don't know why but it's worrying me what we'll find behind these doors. Once we all show the bouncer our ID to prove we're over 18, we head in.

The lights are bright and there is glitter everywhere. I notice someone in the middle of getting a lap dance and look away blushing.

"Gents! Welcome. What will your pleasure be today?" A large man in a fancy suit greets us at the door.
"We're looking for someone. Niall?" I say politely.
"I don't have anyone here by that name. And if I did, they'd be working" he says smugly.
"Okay, we're specific about what we like. Blonde, small frame. Around 17. Preferably irish" Louis smirks. Thank fuck he came along. He knows how to play the game.

"Ahh. We've got a young Irish lad. Quite the dancer if I do say. But, he's not cheap"
"How much for an hour" Louis grins.
"£100"

Louis pulls his wallet out and flicks through some £20 notes. Handing over the required amount.
"It's £100 each. You all want in, ill do a deal. £200" the man says. Louis laughs and hands over another hundred saying "he better be a good dancer for that price".

The man assures us he is and leads us to a back room. There's a large couch that faces a well of mirrors, we all get seated, as the door opens.

Niall pov

"Irish. Three in the back. They're loaded so make sure they come back" Dave smiles at me as he strokes my cheek.
"Three- I -I um-" I say in slight panic. I don't want to be on my own with three middle aged men groping me.
"They want a dance. That's it. So put on some more glitter and shake it like a slut. Got it?"

I sigh but nod and head to the dressing rooms. Gorgie puts some more glitter on my chest and shoulders. I then change into some different denim shorts and head to room 2.

"Hey I'm Irish. You don't have to tell me your names if you don't want me to, just your pleasure" I say as sluty as I can whilst walking into the room. I close the door and lean against it as I take a deep breath, I stick my arse out and roll it in small sexual circles before turning around.

"OH MY GOD. What the fuck are you doing here!?" I shriek and cover my chest and stomache and harry stands up.
"God your arse looks good in them" a different boy mutters as he looks at my bum and legs.

"Josh! Shut up. Niall, I know I said you could go, but I only did that because it's what you wanted. I need you and I know you need me and oh my god have you shaved your legs?" He says as he looks at my hairless, also glittery legs.

"Maybe" I whisper. They were waxed but im not admitting that the three of them.
"Please come home with me" Harry begs, pleading with his eyes.
"I don't have a home" I sigh.
"Yes. Yes you do. With me. You can live with me. I know you don't trust me yet, but niall I'm still here. After everything. After you constantly pushing me away and after you leaving. I'm here. I found you. I drove 400 miles to get to you" he says honestly.

"It's 451" josh buts in.
"It's irrelevant" Harry snaps. "I'm not leaving with out you" he whispers.

"It's- I mean I'd have to leave my job-" I mutter.
"-then do it. You still work at the bakery anyway. You never technically quit" he says with a cheeky grin.

"Have you shaved your chest too?" Josh asks me and I feel myself blush.
"Oh my god josh. Shut up. Niall?" Louis asks, silently asking me what I've chosen to do.

"Ni, I'm sorry about everyone that's hurt you. I'm sorry that you've been through hell. I really am, I just- I want to protect you. To keep you safe" Harry whispers, a couple of tears fall.

"What are you scared of?" Louis asks gently.
"I'm scared of being hurt again. Of having to survive something else. I don't think I'm strong enough" I whimper, a few of my own tears falling.
"Everyone has the potential to hurt you and Truth is everyone will hurt you at some point. Sometimes on purpose. Sometimes unintentional. You've just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." Louis says softly to me.

"I don't want to be a burden to you guys. Make you feel stuck with a freak like me. For some reason you came to find me, despite all my fuck ups"

"Maybe we found you for a reason. Maybe we were brought to you because the gods or whoever is up there, saw someone who needed saving. Somebody worthy of being saved. But that isn't what makes you who you are. Your past doesn't define you. It's the start of you. It just sets your starting place. You have the ability to decide where the journey leads. And where it ends"

"Can we get some food on the way back?" I whisper as my answer. I haven't eaten today and I'm feeling a bit sick now. Louis full on dives on me, harry picks me up and shakes me whilst cheering and josh is still checking out me bum.

"Will your boss be an arse about you going?" Louis asks as we head out of the room, arm slung over my shoulder, we head to find Dave.
"Nah he's chill" I say notcholantly. He is, a bit pushy but wouldn't stop me leaving.

He is a bit pissed though, especially with me leaving halfway through a shift but hands over my wages with a huff and walks off. I put on some jeans and a shirt with my high tops and meet the others by harrys car outside.

"Okay, there's a cafe near by. Food then hit the road?" Louis asks as we all climb into harrys car. Josh and louis immediately get into the back leaving me to ride shot gun in the passanger seat. It's good I suppose as I can talk to harry a bit better.

"Thank you. For not giving up on me" I whisper.
"You're welcome. I was a bit selfish with my reasonings. I need you. Maybe as much as you need me"
"I never said I needed you" I argue.

"I know, but you do" he says tentively.
"Yeah. Yeah I do"
"We also need to get you to the hospital when we get back. They- they got your results back" Louis says slowly.
"I'm assuming it's bad" I mutter, twisting my fingers together.

"It's- your blood came back- HIV positive" Harry whispers.
"Course it did" I grunt. Why would the world be nice to me? Why would anyone think to give me a break. The only good thing in my life is harry and louis. And possibly josh, if he stops looking at my arse.

I'm still not even sure I fully trust harry, but having said that, he's still here. He's the only one who's stuck with me through it all. And to top it all off, he hasn't complained. He hasn't thrown it back in my face. He's just reassured me and made me feel like he has my best interests at heart. Like I'm not a burden. Like I actually matter.

"You've got glitter everywhere" Harry laughs as he pulls up outside a cafe. I look down at the seat and see that there is in fact, glitter all over it.
"Sorry- i- ill clean it. When we get back" I say apologetic.
"It's okay. I'm just really glad we got you out of there" he says to me. It feels like a secret conversation. Like it's meant just for me.

Before I get chance to say Anthony else harrys phone rings and he puts it on speaker. It's his mum.

"Harry Edward Styles. Where the hell are you? I have called Joannah's house and you aren't there. Neither is louis. Where are you!?"
"We could- maybe be in- Inverness-"
"-you're in fucking Scotland!" She screeches. Louis is laughing in the back ground and josh is smirking. I personally feel bad as it's my fault they've driven this far.

"We came to get niall" he says bluntly.
"And you couldn't have told me! I've been worried sick about you."
"No. I couldn't,  you'd have tried to stop me. Or sent social services and he'd have run again." He says quietly.
"Are you all okay? Is niall safe?" Anne asks.
"Yeah, we're all fine mum, be back in around 10 hours, just having food then we'll head back"
"Okay, drive safe harry. You too louis"
"Will do Mum!" Louis shouts, which causes us all to laugh.

I order chips and gravy and a sausage sandwich with ketchup. Harry orders a bacon sandwich with ketchup. Louis orders a burger and chips and josh orders a ham and cheese panini. We all get a bottle of coke each so we can take them with us. I insist on paying for the food, a little thank you for coming to get me. I do appreciate getting out of those tiny shorts.

Louis drives the first three hours before switching with harry, who drives for the next four hours. Louis then drives the last hour and half or so.

As soon as we get through the door at harrys, Anne is dragging us all in for a cuddle.
"Don't you dare do that again harry. Louis, don't you dare let him. Niall, ever run away again and ill handcuff you to the radiator" she says firmly.

"I won't. I Promise, I won't run again." I say looking at harry. He wanted me to promise I'd stay a week or so ago and at the time I couldn't. I'm still not sure I can, but I know I will. I don't break my promises.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

So niall has offcially being living with us for a week now and I couldn't be happier. He's safe, he's well fed, gets happy (ish). Oh, he's also got his medication to help control the HIV. He still shares my room and bed but neither of us mind sharing.

I wake up to someone shaking my shoulder and whispering "get up".
"What" I whine at niall and roll away form him.
"I need your help with somat"
"Kay. Later"
"Now. We have work soon and- I need your help before then. arrrrrry" he whines.
"Okay what?" I sigh sitting up and moving some hair out of my face. This better be worth it.

"Which size?" Niall asks as we walk around the sports shop.
"8" I yawn.
"M'kay. What did they look like?"
"Hang on he send me a pic over facebook" I say as I look through my phone for a picture of louis trainers. The ones that got ruined. I find the picture and show niall, who just takes my phone and asks one of the store assistants if they have these in.

Luckily they do! And a size 8! Meaning niall is over the moon and so am I because I don't have to be in a shop that smells of feet any longer.

"Great! I'll have them please" niall grins at the lady and she leads us over to the checkouts.
"That's £119.97" lthe lady says as she scans the box.
"Right. Just a sec" niall mumbles and gets his wallet out. "Sorry. The coins are stuck" niall whispers as he tips them out and gets some notes out too.

"Hun you're short" the lady says as he hands the money over. Literally, he handed over every penny in his wallet.

"How much by?" I ask as I give niall a reassuring grin. His face flushes even more and he looks at the floor.

"£22. 14" the woman says the coins were piled up after she counted them.
"Here" I say and hand over £25. She sorts out the correct change and hands over the bag containing the box of trainers.

"I'll pay you back" niall says firmly.
"You don't have to, but, If you insist. No rush" I know arguing that he doesn't have to won't change anything. He still will pay me back.
"I do" he whispers giving me a private smile. God I love these.

We get to the bakery just after 9. I texted louis in advance and told him we'd be late.
"Bout time" Zayn mutters as we walk through the door.
"I told louis wed be late. Shut up" I grunt.
"Off fucking your new boyfriend" Zayn sneers. At first I think he's talking to me, but when I turn around he's looking at niall - Who's looking at the floor.

"He's not my boyfriend. We're good friends is all" I say as I stand in front of niall.
"Just in the same bed. Fucking"
"NO. Not everything is about sex!" I shout at him.
"Yeah well. Your boyfriend got my boyfriend locked up for murder. So excuse me if I don't like either of you" Zayn snaps before walking out.

"Liam and zayn? Since when?" I mutter and turn to see if louis knew. His face tells me he didn't.
"Looks like liams been sleeping with everyone" Louis mutters.
"D ya t'ink he knows 'bout the HIV?" Niall whispers.
"No one knows you have it. Just my family and louis. We haven't told anyone-"
"-No.  He could have it" niall interrupts.

We all stand silent for a few minutes. We're all shocked. I'm mostly shocked that despite everything he's been through, and now after finding out liam had a boyfriend - nialls more concerned about zayns health.

"Lou- i- I got you these. To say sorry" niall whispers as he hands over the bag. Louis raises his eyebrows at the bag but takes it. He takes out the box and opens the lid to reveal the trainers.

"Oh my- you- niall. You didn't have to-"
"-I did. It's my fault that yours got ruined. And you've done so much for me. I just- it's a sorry. And a t'ank you"
"Thank you" Louis says as he puts the box down and pulls niall in for a cuddle.

Work is rediculously busy today. zayn does come back at around 12. But by that time, we have a system. I'm on baking. Louis is on serving and drinks. Niall is on stock and cleaning the tables.

When zayn comes back, it's a lot calmer which is nice. It means I can sit down and have a coffee.

"Zayn- can we talk?" niall asks him.
"I have nothing to say to you-" Zayn grunts.

"-Well I have plenty to say to you. I'm sorry, that I ruined your t'ing with liam. I am. I know- I know what it's like to love someone and not be with them. But I didn't have a choice. And to be honest- after what liam has done to me- to my family- why should I cut him some slack? Why should I be nice and care about him when he never cared about me? He never t'ought of anyone but himself.-" niall starts but zayn cuts him off.

"-you're just pissed he didn't want you-"
"- No I'm pissed that he slept with my mum. I'm pissed he's the reason my parents split up. I'm pissed he pushed my mum down the stairs and killed her. Then got my dad to help hide her under the patio in the fucking garden!-"

"-it was an accident-"
"-I don't care! It was his fault. He did this to me. He single handedly ruined my family and my life- all while claiming to be my best friend"

"You're just jealous he chose me over you"
"If I'd known about you two I would have been" niall sighs. "But I didn't-"
"-I dont care. You're still a vile person"
"How?! How am I the vile one?-"
"-you're so needy. liam cancelled our night to pick you up because bobby beat you up again-"
"-what are you-"
"-then I find out you tried it on with him. Luckily my boyfriend is loyal and didn't fuck a slut like you"

"I t'ink you need to Google what the word loyal means." Niall sighs. He doesn't elaborate. This is what suprises me with niall. He has the power to rip zayns world to pieces and he hasn't.

"You wouldn't take no for an answer" Zayn goads "you just kept being needy and wanting to get into his pants. Like the slut you are"
"I'm not a slut. I've only- with one person"
"Harry" Zayn laughs.
"No. Someone I thought loved me back. Someone who told me, before he took my virginity that he loved me. Someone who I trusted. Someone I've loved for two years"
"Liam. You slept with liam?" Zayn mutters.

"I- I swear I didn't know you two were together-"
"-did you use protection?" Zayn buts in.
Niall shakes his head slowly, looking once again at the floor.
"You need to get checked" Zayn says quietly.
"I know. That was liams final bombshell whilst he was being arrested. 'Get checked I have HIV'".

"Are- did. Do you have the results?" Zayn asks softly.
"Yeah" niall sighs and holds up the pill bottle from his jean pocket. "I'm officially a walking box of tick tacks" he says with a laugh. But it's awkward, and there's no humour to it.

___

Niall is quiet for the next few weeks, but strangely enough we get closer. We're cuddled on the sofa watching Big Bang Theory when niall asks.

"Harry- you know I like you d- don't you?"
"Yeah course" I smile at him.
"What if- what if I liked you- more- more than friends?"
"Do you?" I ask quietly.
"Maybe" he breaths out, eyes locked on my lips.

"Then I could tell you I might like you as more than friends too" I whisper into his lips as I close the gap. It's only a soft kiss, we just peck lips a few times before pulling away.
"I- I might not be a proper virgin. But you've just taken my lip virginity" niall whispers.
"Well- I hope it was everything you wanted" I say as I peck his lips again.
"Maybe it was better"
"Oh- maybe?" I ask pulling a shocked face and tickling his sides. He squeels and wriggles to get away but I hold him so he can't move. Which results in him laughing and squeeling trying to get away from my prodding fingers.

"Yes! It was. It was. Arry- oh God I can't- breath" niall giggles and I do eventually let up so he can breath.

We both settle back down, niall panting pretty hard and me still laughing every now and then. But his breathing isn't the only thing that's hard. I am. And, judging by the firmness against my leg, see is he.

"We- we could sort these out" niall mumbles.
"Sounds g-"
"-need a condom. Don't- don't want you to get it" niall whispers.
"I- I dont have any. We could pick some up. For another time" I lie. I have a large stash upstairs, but, I kind of forgot about the HIV. I don't really want to do anything until I've looked into it more. Mostly- how it's spread and how to prevent it being spread.

"Oh- oh- okay. Did- did I ruin the moment?" Niall frowns at me with his sad eyes.
"No! No, I- I just- we don't have any- protection" I stutter.
"You- you could top- me. Don't need one then. Can't be spread that way"
"I- I dont want- want to- hurt you- I mean. I'm pretty big. We could- erm. Work on it? Opening you- you know- so it won't hurt as much"
"Yeah- yeah sounds. Good I guess" he shrugs, and looks back at the tv like he doesn't care. I can tell he does.

I feel awful, but I really don't want to do anything until I've looked at how it is passed.
___

"Hey Ni,  what- what are you doing?" I ask as I notice niall in my sisters room. I saw him go in and wanted to know why. I'm even more suspicious since he's rifling through her underwear draw, holding some black lace pants as he turns to face me.

"N- nothin" he stutters.
"Riiiiight. And erm, why are you in my sisters room?"
"I'm not" he says quickly.
"Are you looking for something?" I try offering a different approach.

"No"
"Right. So you're nowhere? Doing nothing? For no- reason?"
"Yup" he whispers with a little head nod.

"Niall" I sigh and scratch my left eye "what are you looking for?"
"I was jus borrowin it. Couldn't find any in your room" he mumbles.
"You've been through my pants draw?" I shriek. That's a bit of an invasion of privacy.

"It was for you!" he says firmly, then whispers "was supposed to be a suprise"
"What could you possibly find in my sisters thong draw that could suprise me?" I shriek, even more high pitched than last time. Then whisper "-wait- you weren't going to- urm- wear them were you-?"

"-No! God no! Geez. You honestly think I'd wear these?" He says with a high pitch I never thought I'd hear him reach. "They'd be well itchy" he mutters, running his finger tips over a bit of the lace with a far away look on his face.

Yeah. I'm not buying it.

"So what are you-"
"-why are you in my room? Fingering my lingerie?" Gemma asks pointedly as she walks past me and snatches the pants from nialls hands.

"I- um- i" niall stutters when she glares at him.
"I'm not sure" I offer when she looks at me to explain.
"Well you were clearly looking for something. What?" She directs the question at niall again.

" 'S 'mbarrassin" niall whispers.
"I don't care. I have a right to know why you're looking through my stuff. Never mind my lingerie draw!" Gemma snaps. When she sees nialls sad face looking at the floor she says softly "If you're after some, you know, lacy things- ill go with you and get them for you, so it's not as mortifying"

I can't help it but I start laughing at that. I can just imagine Gemma picking out lacy panties for niall. It's actually quite a hot, imagining him wearing them. And only them.

Niall looks up at me with tears in his eyes. Shit. I didn't mean to make him cry. I was just- it was funny! He slides past Gemma and gently pushes me out of the way to leave the room.

"Niall-" I start. I'm not sure what I'm going to say. I don't know if I need to apologie, i mean, I've just caught him in my sisters pants draw. But I don't want him to cry. It should be illegal to see niall cry. But then again, I don't really think I have anything to be sorry for. I haven't actually done anything wrong here.

"-I was looking-" he says through tears and looks at the floor to whisper "for some lube. So I could- work on not being as- like- tight. Be more open for you"
"Oh" I say. My mouth hanging open in an O shape.
"Doesn't matter" he whispers and locks himself in the bathroom.

Niall does come out eventually and I feel even worse when I see his tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes.

"Niall- I'm sorry-"
"-You know. I kinda get the impression you don't want to sleep with me. But I don't get why you'd say you like me if you don't-"
"-I do! I really do. It's because I like you that, I don't want to sleep with you. Yet! I don't want you to think it's about sex- like it was with liam. I want you to feel special and loved. That's all" I half lie.

In all fairness, bringing liam into this was a low blow but, I don't want niall to think I'm like him. I'm not. I do like niall. Alot. And It's not just about sex for me- but niall got HIV from sleeping with liam just the once- it's selfish but- I don't want aids.

"So- you want to wait?" Niall asks with a confused look.
"Yeah. Yeah. Few dates, and make it special. Yeah" I lie again.
"Oh- okay" niall whispers. He still looks disappointed.

Im being selfish... but... a Few dates meaning, few weeks to do research and find a way around it and plan a way for it not to be spread. A few weeks to get my head around my boyfriend having Aids.

Chapter Text

Niall pov

Harry and I have now been dating 2 months. We've gone on dates and done the 2am conversations about random shit. We've met each others families, even if he didn't meet mine in the best circumstances. And that's great. Everything we've done has been great. But, that's all we've done. We haven't had sex. Or even kissed properly. Heck, when ever I'm naked around him he looks away like he doesn't want to see.

It's a little upsetting if I'm being honest.

I'm peeling some potatoes for Gemma- she's making roast beef for tea. When she starts up a conversation.

"You've lost half the potato" she laughs as I use a knife to peel one and calve half of it off.
"Sorry" I sigh, putting the potato and knife down.
"You've been distracted for weeks. What's up?"
"I- I t'ink arrys gone off me. Or- doesn't find me attractive anymore"
"What makes you say that? He loves you. Everyone can see it"
"He hasn't touched me. Or- or let me touch him. He doesn't even like looking at me naked" I whisper, tears filling my eyes.

"I'm sure it's not because he doesn't find you attractive" Gemma says as she wipes a few tears away.
"Maybe it- it's cos I've put on weight-"
"-niall-"
"-or cos I don't go to the gym. When we first started dating he called me pretty or gorgeous everyday. I can't remember the last time he said it to me. I mean- i- I guess I have put on weight. But he said he wanted me to. Cos I was too skinny, wasn't healthy apparently. Least he t'ought I was pretty t'ough." I whimper.

Gemma pulls me in for a cuddle and dent let go for around 10 minutes. When she does she tells me to talk to harry.

"I've tried- i- he just says he wants to wait. For it to be special"
"Well there you go-"
"-it feels like an excuse. Like- like he's lying. I mean- he might want to wait and- that's okay i mean- I'm not dependent on sex- but- but- It would be nice if he wouldn't lie to me about why- he wants to wait."

"You don't know he is lying. He might want to make it special for you" he argues.
"I- I got a visiting request from l- liam. For tomorrow" I mumble.
"Are you going? Is harry going with you?"
"Harry isn't- no. I- if I'd got the letter a month ago, I'd have ripped it up with out thinking"
"And now you've thought about it?"
"I- I want answers" I say honestly

"Then go. I'm sure harry would go with you-"
"-he wouldn't. He hates me talking about liam. Last time I brought him up he shouted at me and didn't talk to me for days" I say, remembering the look of hatred and anger on his face.

"Are you still in love with liam?" Gemma asks. The question catches me off guard.
"No- after everything he's done- I hate him"
"Is harry just a rebound?" She asks bluntly.
"No- i- I love harry" I say, more tears falling that she'd even think that.

"Are you sure, because I know he loves you, maybe you only love him because you need him-"
"-that isn't true. I love him because despite everything, he's still here. He's the only one who hasn't judged me for my family or liam or the HIV. He didn't give up on me"

"Okay okay. I'm sorry. I just- he's my little brother-"
"-I know he is. I do love him gemma" I say looking he in the eyes. She nods and heads back to the beef. Which leaves me for my mind to run over everything. Mainly harry. And why he doesn't want me.

I head up to the bathroom and lock the door before taking my shirt off. I have got a bit of a belly now. It's soft and squishy. But- maybe it's bigger than I can see. Maybe I can't tell- but im actually really fat. I frown and pinch some stomache fat, tears falling as I pinch more and more fat.

No wonder he doesn't want me or can't bring himself to look at me. I'm hidious. I'm ugly and fat with stupid hair and braces. I'm a freckle face. A brace face.

"Why would he want this. Why would he have sex with me, knowing he has to look at this." I whisper as I pull more fat from my stomache. I would want to have sex, knowing I had to look at someone like me.

Maybe I should get In shape. Go for a run or to the gym or something. Maybe if I make my body more attractive, he won't mind my ugly brace face.

He can just ignore my face and focus on my body. Pretend I'm someone pretty.

Chapter Text

Niall pov

"Where have you been?" Harry asks from the couch as I get back from my run. I went around the village, then up over farmer Hayden's field and came back the long way.

"For a run" I pant as I catch my breath and get a glass of water. According to my phone, I've ran 6.2 miles. I'm pretty happy with that.

"Haha. you? run?" He cackles. "You hate exercise"
"Jus felt like it" I mutter as my breathing calms down.
"Anything to do with the visitor request from liam. Found it looking for my phone charger" he challenges.

"I- yeah -a bit"
"A bit? What else?" He asks.
"Nothin" I whisper as he tries to pull me onto his knee for a cuddle. I fight away from him and look away. I don't want to sit on his knee. Not until I get rid of a bit of fat.

"Niall. What have I done now?" He sighs.
"Nothin. M- m jus t'inkin 'bout stuff"
"Like? You know this isn't going to work if you don't talk to me. How can I fix it If I don't know what's wrong?"

"It's not- somat you need to fix. S jus me"
"Just you what! I tried to give you a fucking cuddle and you pulled away like I've burned you" he snaps.
"I- I feel unworthy. Okay? I- I feel like you don't love me anymore. Or don't love my body. Forget it-"
"-No. Niall talk to me" Harry sighs grabbing my hands. That's all he does lately. Sigh.

"You- I feel like you're not attracted to me anymore. And I mean- that's okay- it is. I've put weight on- so it's okay if you think m Ugly" I whimper as tears once again fall. "But- I mean- I've only jus started so could take a while. But I'll loose weight. Get a nice body for you. Then it doesn't matter 'bout me face, you can- can jus look at that instead"

"You think I don't like your body?" Harry whispers.
"M not pretty. My body is fat so no- but- I understand."
"Niall you're beautiful"
"Then why don't you want me?" I whimper as he holds the side of my face.

"I do- I do want you niall-"
"-You just don't want to have sex with me. 'M not that bad at it- ill Wath porn- get better-"
"-No niall. No babe. I just. I'm scared" Harry mutters.
"Scared of what? You've done it before-"
"-I know. I know."
"What have I done wrong? If you tell me- I'll make it better -" I whisper.
"You haven't- haven't done anything babe"
"Then why?"
 "- I've never - with anyone who- has a- disease" he whispers.

"The HIV" I whisper. Now it makes sense. He's disgusted with me. He thinks I'm vile. He doesn't want me because I'm a stupid slut that got aids from the first person I slept with. I'm a joke.

"M- 'm sorry. Sorry you're disgusted with me-"
"-I'm not. Niall I'm not disgusted. I'm scared-"
"-you're scared of me?" I gasp, anger sinking into my voice.  My boyfriend is scared of me. That hurts more than him not wanting me.
"I'm scared of getting Aids!" He shouts.

I flinch as he shouts and he sighs turning his back on me.
"I don't want it either" I whisper after a few minutes. "But- we can be careful. Last thing I want is to pass it on to you" I say honestly.

"Do you even know what HIV is? Do you know how it's passed? What it does-"
"-of course I know what it is. I have it!" I shout back at him.

"You clearly don't know how it's spread! You can't top me with out a condom. I can't blow you. We can't even make out properly. - I can't eat you out-"
"-I dont care. I don't know what the last one is anyway" I sigh.

"Blood. Pre- cum. Sperm. Saliva-"
"-what are you listing?" I sigh.
"How it can be spread. If I swallow your cum- pre cum- blood, saliva. Bodily fluids niall! All of your bodily fluids are contaminated"

Oh. That's the problem.

"So. You're breaking up with me?" I ask, bracing myself for the answer. I half expected him to. But not for this reason.

"I don't know"
"You said- it wasn't a big deal- that you didn't mind. It didn't change anything-" I whimper, through yet more fucking tears.

"-as friends it didn't! As a boyfriend it does" he argues back.
"Okay. I love you- but I understand. What- what do you want -to do then" I ask quietly.

"I don't know. Can we just- can we go slow. Not rush anything. Hold off on the physical and - sexual side?"
"Course. I'm sorry arry"

"Me too" he sighs.
"It- it feels a bit like you're blaming me for the HIV though" I add on as he glares at the floor.
"Well, you were the one stupid enough to get fucked with-out protection" he snaps.

"I- he told me- I thought he loved me-"
"-Well he clearly didn't. Who is dumb enough to have sex and not use a condom anyway?" He snaps.

"Me, apparently" I whisper.
"Why didn't you go on fucking top. None of this would be happening" Harry stresses. More to himself than me.
"I- I wanted to- he wouldn't let me. Said I wasn't big enough" I whimper and sit on the edge of the couch, cradling my head.

"So you just let him fuck you, with out protection. Stupid, idiot, children playing the big I am, having sex. Don't have a fucking clue" he scoffs. He doesn't add on that I'm a slut. He doesn't have to. It's written all over his face. He rubs his face with a growl and heads up stairs.

I hear the bedroom door close and figure I'm not welcome upstairs, not that I particularly want to be up there at the moment. So I grab one of the spare blankets from the spare cupboard and make my bed on the couch.

The only reason I'm not leaving is that I promised I wouldn't run again. And stupid me doesn't break my promises.

Louis words ring in my ears 'you have to find the ones worth suffering for'. It kills me to say this but right now, I don't feel harry is.

With that thought in mind, I quietly cry myself to sleep, wondering what I did so wrong to end up with this life. They say that God gives you the life he knows you're strong enough to survive.

I think he got mine wrong.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

The next morning is rough. Niall didn't come up to bed last night which means I had the bed to my self. I slept horribly. It was awful not having someone laid on me all night, cuddling my so tight I can't move. It was strange not waiting for his breathing to even out before letting myself drift off.

I half wanted to go get him and make him come upstairs. But part of me wanted to be alone for a while. I doubt he'd have come up anyway.

After getting dressed and tying my hair up I head down stairs for coffee. I notice some blankets folded up on the sofa and a bowl on the draining board. So where's niall?

"He's already left for work." Mum says as I frown and sit at the kitchen table.
"We don't start for another hour" I grunt.

"Well it's going to take him an hour to walk there. Whatever you two argued over, flowers and chocolate aren't going to fix this" mum says.

"I don't want HIV, so, I don't think I can date him anymore" I say bluntly. She'll find out eventually.
"I heard what you said to him last night. About him being stupid for having sex. What you said to him harry, it wasn't nice. I- I'm actually ashamed to call you my son after the way you spoke to him-"

"-it's his fault-"
"-No it isn't. It's liams. Not nialls. He isn't the first person to have sex with out protection and he won't be the last. I'd bet my car you've had sex with out protection, at least once" she says firmly.

I just sigh rather than admit she has a point.

"Look harry, if you don't want him because of the HIV that's your call, but if that's the case, you don't deserve him anyway. He's a lovely boy who made a mistake, but after all the shit he's been through, he deserves a break. A chance. Some happiness. And if you aren't prepared to give him a chance because of this then that says more about you than it does him"

"You're my mum not his" I mutter.

"Yes I am. But harry, I raised you better than this. The HIV doesn't define who he is, you loved him before why can't you see he hasn't changed?"

"He has! Everytime I see him, I see liam! I see what he did with liam"
"Okay so you're jealous. Now we're getting somewhere. How do you think he'd feel if he knew how many people you'd slept with? Or if he knew about caroline?"
"Jealous probably" I whisper. I sit and think about what she's said, I hadn't thought about how niall would feel If he knew about how many people I've been with. Or how old and experienced some of them were. He'd probably feel more unworthy than jealous.

Once at the bakery I head straight to the kitchen to bury my problems in cake mix rather than talking. Louis however, decides he also wants to do baking today. Aka- he wants me to tell him why niall walked 7.2 miles to work.

___

Niall pov

"So what's going on with you and harry? Thought you were 'in love'." Zayn laughs as I clear the tables and he re-stocks the drinks fridge.
"We're jus sorting some stuff out" I mutter.
"Was he disappointed with your lack of sexual experience?" He mocks.
"No. Shudd- up zayn" I snap.

"Between you and me, he is. He's worried you won't know what to do and he'll have to do all the work"

"What? How- how do you know what?" I whisper.
"He told me. You know he's been with like 10 people. One of them, caroline, was 32. God she knew what she was doing. Could proper deep throat" Zayn says as he sorts the coins out in the till.

"32? I- really?"
"Yup. No wonder harry doesn't want to have sex with you. You won't have a clue what to do"
"I know what sex is" I argue.
"Good. Can you deep throat?"
"What's that mean?" I whisper, a little embarrassed that he knows all these weird words and I don't.

"Oh God. It's what you do during a blowy. Ever done that before?" I shake my head. "Ever had one?" I shake my head again.

"Harry is not going to enjoy that" he mutters.
"I'll tell him it's my first time, he'll talk me through it" I say, though I'm not sure if I'm trying to convince him or myself.
"Yeah if you don't want him to enjoy it. Or if you want to hurt him"
"I- I can hurt him?"
"If you do it wrong. Yeah. You can bite him. Ever had your dick bitten? It's not pretty"

"I'll jus watch porn. It's fine, I'll figure it out" I say reassuringly to myself.
"I'll could teach you. Tell you what to do, show you even? Harry doesn't have to know it was me but, he doesn't get with virgins. He won't let you blow him if it's your first time"

"That's cheating. I'm not cheating on him" I say firmly.
"Neither of you are having sex anytime soon then. Come on niall, I won't tell him. Don't you want to make him proud? Make him feel good? Make him want you?"

My eyes flick up to look at him at the last sentence. I want nothing more than for harry to want me. To be attracted to me. I just don't think this is the way to make that happen.

"I don't think this will make him want me"
"It will, if you know what you're doing. But fine, be an amateur. Be inexperienced. It's only harry you'll be letting down. And that isn't going to make him want you".

"You- you can teach me?" I ask quietly after a minute thinking about what he's said. He nods. "O- okay" I whisper.
"Great. Come round to mine after work" he smirks.

For some reason I feel like I've just walked into the lions den.

___

Harry pov

"YOU SAID WHAT?!" Louis screeches as he takes some doughnuts out of the oven.
"I know! I've fucked up. I just can't get my head around the HIV" I sigh as I leave the muffins plain. I can't concentrate on making them look pretty.

"Seriously. That's your excuse? After everything he's been through? After everything you've stood by him with and helped him over come, this is the thing you're turning your back on him for?"

"I just- I dont think I can deal with it" I say honestly.
"Okay. So you can't deal with it. If that's your final decision fair enough. It's a horrible decision really but, there you go. You did make it-"
"-hey!" I protest.

"-However, you love him. I know you do. And he loves you-"
"-he loves sex. He's obsessed and because I said I didn't want to have sex, he started complaining I don't love him because he's fat."
"For starters, he isn't fat. He's far from it. And secondly, maybe he wanted to feel loved for a change. He hasn't had much of that, even when he slept with liam, it wasn't love"

"He did it anyway" I grunt.
"Because liam said he loved him! And niall was in love with him. This isn't nialls fault so stop fucking blaming him" Louis snaps.
"I'm scared of getting Aids"
"Right, well, I bet my new trainers niall would feel worse than you, if he passed them on to you. Since meeting niall you've been begging him to stop pushing you away. To let you in. And now he has, you don't wanna know? That's low harry. Really low"

"Why are you taking his side?" I whine.
"I don't take sides. But I am in this case because you're being a dick. Not just to him, but to your self. If you turn your back on niall for this, that's it. He won't let you in again. He won't trust you again-"

"-louis-"
"-If that happens, then all of this- everything you've helped him with, all the things you've done to earn his trust, to earn his love, its been for nothing. And you'll have no one to blame but yourself"

Chapter Text

Niall pov

The rest of the day is tense. Harry tried talking to me a few times but then customers came in or Barbra called or zayn dropped a cake and we didn't get to talk. I'm not sure I wanted to anyway.

It's when louis has been dropped off and harry is outside zayns that I also get out.

"What are you doing?" Harry asks as I get out of the car.
"Hanging- with- urm zayn- for a bit" I stutter.
"You- you never said, I was hoping we could talk- about- things" Harry says cagey.

"I'll be back um- later. We can talk then?"
"I- yeah sure. Um- if you need picking up- let me know" he whispers.
"Thank you- I will. Um if i- do"

With that harry drives home and we head inside.

"I'm not sure 'bout this" I whisper as zayn leads me to his bedroom and sits on the bed.
"Look, you love harry Yeh?"
"More than anything" I answer honestly.
"And you want to please him? Make him happy? Make him feel good?"
"I- yeah?"

"Yeah. You do. You want him to want you? To find you attractive? To want to get sexual with you?"
"He wanted to go slow" I whisper.
"Because he doesn't think you're capable. He told me. So I'm helping you out here. If harry knows you're experienced he'll be all over you like a rash. Trust me. Would i lie to you?"

"O- okay"
"So, take off my jeans first yeah. And your own- sets the mood" he says as he gestures for me to pop the button on his jeans.

I do very slowly as the button gets stuck. My face flushes as zayn laughs but makes not attempt to help. After a few humiliating seconds the button pops and I nearly cheer with happiness. The zip goes down easy enough and he pulls the trousers down his legs and kicks them off.

"Yours" he mutters, taking off his socks and boxers.
"Why?" I ask suspiciously. I don't see the reason to take mine off if I'm sucking him off.
"Sets the mood. And I'm in charge so take them off" he half snaps. I do as he says and also remove my socks, but leave my boxers on.

When I look back zayn is laid on his back, but propped up against the head board, on the bed looking at me. He summons me forwards and I slowly oblige and crawl towards him.

"Take my dick and wank it. Can't blow me if I'm soft. Get me nice and hard" is all zayn says before putting his hands behind his head, signaling for me to get to work.

I work my hand slowly up and down his length. I can't help thinking how devastated harry would be if he saw me now. I push that to the back of my mind and remind myself, this is for him. To learn how to make him feel good.

I feel zayn twitch and grow in my hand and it's weird. His cock is bigger than mine, but not quite as thick. All in all it's pretty average looking.

Once he's fully erect in my pre-cum covered hand, he makes a sucking motion with his mouth and I let go of his cock.

I realise after chasing his cock around with my mouth, I'm supposed to use my hand to guide it. Zayn never said, just laughed whilst I followed him and tried to get my mouth around it.

"Right, hollow your mouth. Flatten your tongue. Watch your fucking teeth! Breath through your nose" I try following what he's saying (snapping) but it's really difficult.

It tastes sour and slightly- like gone off milk and it's all wet and firm in my mouth. And that's just the head! I try sucking him down my throat and soon learn that doesn't work and I have to relax and let him slide down. It's harder to breath the more of him I take, and I gag a few times when he starts thrusting.

"Relax. God I'm close. Despite your incompetence" Zayn mutters as he rocks harder up into my mouth. I try pulling off slightly but he locks his fingers in my hair and holds my head in place.

"Fuck. Such a tight throat. Probably as tight as your arse when liam fucked you" he groans as I gag harder. He let's me up a little before pushing me down on his cock again.

"Watch your braces. Idiot" Zayn mutters as i catch him with my braces. I'm trying my best, I still don't feel like I'm any wiser on knowing what to do or how to make it pleasurable for harry.

"Pull of" he grunts and pulls my head up by my hair. It hurts like crazy but I'm glad for the air and pant as it flows through my lungs again.

"You've made me bleed" he complains as he looks at his cock. There's little nick in the side that's drawn blood. Must have been from my braces.

"I'm sorry- I didn't- it was an accident"
"Get out"
"But- zayn-?"
"Get out. You're fucking useless. All I wanted was a blowjob and you couldn't even do that. No wonder liam fucked and chucked you. Bet you were a shit fuck too. No wonder harry doesn't want you if you fucking bite people" he snaps before shoving me down the stairs and out side. He slams the front door in my face and I sigh.

A moment later my jeans and shoes are chucked out side, followed by another door slam.

I pull my jeans up quickly, tucking in my completely soft cock and fastening them up. I then put on my shoes and walk to harrys, guilt eats away at me every step of the way. As I get closer to the house, one thought is running through my head -there's no way harry will want me now.

___

Harry pov

After niall and zayn get out of the car I drive back to louis house to complain I've 'lost niall forever and I'm a stupid Prat that should have made him feel loved'. I eat most of louis ice cream before he marches me out to the car and drives me home.

Once there he helps me tidy the kitchen and I pay gemma to fuck off for a few hours. Mum and dad go willingly - aka- I pay for a posh meal for them.

We then start on the food. I want to make a fancy roast dinner with all the trimmings. But after discovering we don't have half the stuff in and there isn't enough time to get it- we settle on louis signature dish.

"Chicken, wrapped in palma-ham, stuffed with cheese. On a bed of home made mash. Winner!"
"Niall doesn't like palma-ham"
"Bacon then!" He grins.

I leave him to sort the food and I set the table, using the fancy cutlery, napkins, wine glasses and place mats. I then get a few scented candles and dot them around the kitchen table, not lighting them yet.

I hear the front door go and louis rushes out to greet niall as I light the candles and put the plated food on the tables.

"Hey babe" I say with a shy smile as I go out and greet him.
"H- hiya" he whispers.
"So- I've been a dick.  A complete tool. And I'm so sorry for that. For hurting you and making you feel like I don't want you- I do. I really do. I want you so much- i- please don't cry" I whisper as I see the tears falling down his hollow little cheeks.

"I love you niall and I'm sorry for everything. I know what liam did was awful and certainly not your fault. I want you." I say honestly as I wipe the tears from his eyes. He looks at the floor but doesn't say anything.

"So, I've got a suprise, to show you how sorry I am and that I care about you. And I love you" I say leading him to the kitchen, I notice louis go upstairs and I send him a thank you smile over nialls shoulder.

This could go one of two ways. Niall is swept off his feet by the gesture of food. Or he gets angry and shouts 'too little too late'.

What I don't expect, is for niall to look at the romantic table and back away from it into the wall. I don't expect him to slide down the wall and bury his face into his hands as he cries his little eyes out. I don't expect to see him have an emotional break down over louis chicken dinner.

"Hey! Niall I'm sorry. Was it too much? Not enough? I'll work on how to fix this. But I'm sorry. We can sort this baby just talk to me" I beg as I kneel in front of him and hold him close to me.

I notice louis come in the kitchen, he must have heard my panicked voice. He blows out the candles on the table and sits down next to me, rubbing nialls knee reassuringly.

"What happened?" Louis whispers as nialls cries get louder.
"I don't know" I whisper as a few of my own tears fall.
"Niall? Has something happened babe?" Louis asks him softly.
"I- I'm so- sorry" he coughs out.

"It's okay. What ever it is we can fix it, just control your breathing. That's the main thing right now" Louis instructs him.

Niall just whimpers and sniffs a few times. But eventually his breathing calms down a little.

"I've fucked it all up" he whispers as I wipe the tears from under his eyes and away from his cheeks.

"You haven't- i- I love you and I'm so sorry for not telling you how much you mean to me. I want us to have sex but I want it to be special for you. So you feel wanted not dirty-" I try explaining but he just cries even harder.

"Niall? Has something happened at zayns?" Louis asks calmly.
"I'm sorry" he whimpers.

We don't get any other response from him for the next five minutes. Not for want of trying, but he's crying too much to respond.

"Okay. Niall? Listen to me yeah? What's going to happen is, you're going to control your breathing. We're both here and we aren't going anywhere so just calm down. Once that's done you can talk to us at your pace, but, don't panic- niall, listen, we aren't going to say or do anything until you've finished. Okay? I promise, we'll listen to everything you say and then we can talk things through" Louis explains calmly. Thank God he's here because I would have no clue what to do.

Nialls breathing does calm down slowly and he looks up at me through scared eyes "promise you'll hear me out?" He whispers.
"I promise. I'll listen. Talk to me and we can sort this" I say honestly.

Part of me is thinking he's done something with zayn, which I won't be thrilled about but I don't think he'd have done it if he didn't have a reason, he doesn't strike me as someone who has sex with people for the sake of it, after all he wanted his first time to be with someone he loved. So he must have felt like he- had to?

"I- with zayn" he whispers.
"Had sex?" I whisper back.
He nods and then says " Maybe not- not actual sex. I- sucked him. Urm- his- thing" he whispers looking at the floor.

"Okay. Can I ask why?" I say as calmly as possibly. Reminding myself this is so unlike niall. And also reminding myself I need to hear him out. Find out why.

"He- he told me 'bout caroline- said you don't date virgins and- and if you found out I hadn't- um- sucked one- 'fore you'd leave me. He said you told him you wouldn't want me and i- didn't want to loose you. I know I'm stupid! I'm so sorry harry-"

"-did he say anything else?" I ask, biting my bottom lip.
"Said you'd be into me if I knew what to do. If I knew how to please you. And at the moment you don't think 'm capable. Zayn said he'd- teach me- so I could pleasure you"

"Okay. Why did you tell me? Zayn wouldn't have told me, why own up to it?"
"I want to be honest. I- I'm sorry. I didn't- want to really or like it but- thought I could learn how to make it nice and not hurt you. He got mad when I caught him with my braces"

"He shouted at you?" I frown.
"Yeah- he- pushed me outside and- and- slammed the door"
"I'm sorry he was mean to you. I'm- I'm a little upset- at what you did. Not why, I- zayn can be quite manipulative and I'm sorry he pursued you to. I'm sorry you felt scared to tell me you hadn't done it before"

"I'm sorry for cheating on you-"
"-don't be. I know you thought you were doing what's best an- if you promise not to do it again I'll let it drop".
"Seriously?" He asks disbelieving.
"Yeah babe. I know you were doing this for me, to please me. But it would make me even happier if you don't fool about with anyone else"
"I won't. I promise I won't"

"okay babe. Thank you for telling me with out being forced. Now, how about we have some thing to eat and snuggle up watching a film"
"Kay" he whispers with a shy smile. "Is louis staying?"

"Do you want him to?"
"He can. I don't mind" he shrugs.
"Nah, I need to head home, bath the twins" Louis smiles and gives me a look that says 'you two should bond. We'll talk tomorrow'.

We end up ordering a pizza and eating it in bed whilst watching the notebook. Niall falls asleep against my shoulder 10 minutes into the film, I kiss his head and turn the volumes down low. I then make sure he's covered by th duvet and text louis.

To Lou:
Free to tlk. Ni asleep

To Harold:
Yeah sure. U handled tht maturely

To Lou:
I love him. Dnt wanna lose him

To Harold:
He seemd genuine. Rly sorry

To Lou:
Hes rlly upset

To Harold:
Comfrt him. I know he cheated bt his heart was in ryte place

To Lou:
I know. Im nt mad @ him. Im mad @ zyn

To Harold:
We cn sort tht dick hed tmoz

"I'm gona make him regret hurting my baby" I mumble into nialls hair.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

I'm woken up to someone trying to take off my boxers. I open one eye to see what's going on and see niall, trying to take them off.

"What you doing?" I mumble, trying to pull him down for a cuddle as opposed to him staying straddling my waist.

"S to say sorry - for- for um-"
"-baby no. I'm not having you do sexual things as an apology. It's okay. I'm not mad at you, you don't have to apologise darling. And you certainly don't have to do  anything sexual to compensate. Not until you're ready for it. Okay? You aren't obliged to do things with me" I say as I cup his face with my hands, making him look at me.

"I want to do things. With you I mean. M nervous though" he argues.
"Okay, well, we can do things. If you're 100 percent sure you want to, and if you promise me it's not an apology"

"I want to. Don't want to hurt you though. I bit za- him" he whispers.
"Well- I'm betting he didn't really explain things and how to do them?"
"No- he didn't"
"I will darling. Not now though, we have work" I smile a we get ready for the day.

"Are you going to tell him you know?" Niall asks as I drive to louis hose. I notice he hasn't said zayns name since.

"I'm going to very politely warn him if he ever comes near you again he's dead" I say with a smirk on my face, a plan already forming.

I pick louis up and zayn as usual. I don't want him to know I know, not yet. Niall is sat in the drivers seat silently, looking at the floor and biting his lip.

I reach across the hand brake and rub his knee softly and smile when he looks at me.
"You're quiet today niall" Louis comments as he pauses from singing along to 'Shape of You'.

"Late night, wasn't it baby" I smile and wink at niall as he frowns. Luckily he plays along.
"Yeah, yeah. M tired" he says.
"Why?" Zayn grunts.
"No reason" I laugh, giving the impression there is a reason.

Once inside the bakery, I get the cakes cooking. The biscuits are on the side cooling. The pancake mix is blending. It's when zayn is filling the front fridge with drinks, crouched on the floor,  that I decide now is the perfect time.

I take the pancake mix and stand behind him. It takes around 5 seconds for the mix to be over his head. More specifically, his pride and joy- his hair.

"What the fuck!" He shouts.
"Come near my boyfriend again, and getting this out of your hair will be the least of your problems" I whisper menicingly.
"He blew me"
"Because you made him feel like he had to. Go near him again. I dare you" I threaten.

"Don't know why you're so protective over him. He has Aids you know"
"I know. No thanks to your boyfriend. You worry about liam and ill worry about niall. Okay?"

"He was shite anyway. No wonder liam didn't want him-" is as far as he gets before my fist is punched into his face. My knee is then brought us so far into his crotch, he won't be using that for a while.

"You leave my boyfriend alone. I won't tell you again" I whisper before pushing him away from me.
I go into the kitchen after that and zayn shouts he's going home. The rest of the day is good, Barbara is annoyed that I wasted the pancake mix but laughs when I tell her why.

After work u drop louis off as usual before driving myself and niall home.
"Did you mean what you said this morning about being ready?" I ask him as we start making beef stew for tea.

"Yeah, I want to- um- have sex with you" he says, whispering the word 'sex'.
"Yeah?" I triple check.
"yep"
"Okay babe. How about, we go out for tea on Saturday and then, if you still want to after, I can make it special" I suggest as I kiss his forehead.

"Yea I'd like that. Can you- um- explain. Stuff"
"Course baby. I'll explain everything" I say honestly.
"Are you sure you want to- with me. I mean the HIV-" niall whispers.
"I want to. And the HIV doesn't change who you are or make me love you any less"
"Kay" niall grins at me.

We have lunch and while niall is in the shower I book us a table at one of the upper class restaurants in town, for Saturday.

"Gem. I need a favour. On Saturday" I say as I go into her room.

"What favour? And please, just come in" she laughs. She have a few friends over. Perrie, jade and jessy.

"I need you to bugger off for the night. Help me convince mum and dad to bugger off for the night. And make this place look romantic"
"You and niall finally getting it on?" He asks, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Um. Yeah" I whisper.

"Awe that's cute-"
"-so adorable-"
"-how romantic-"
"-girls shush. We need to plan. So, I'm thinking - romantic meal. Then come back to like, rose petals all over the floor. Like, fairy lights on the walls and curtains in the living room. You can have a little romantic dance and then- see what happens"

"That sounds perfect gemma" I grin. I have to go as niall comes out of the shower and leave the girls to plan and execute what we've decided. I can't wait for Saturday!!

Chapter Text

Niall pov

The week is hectic to say the least and I'm over the moon when the weekend comes and we get a lie in. The day starts perfect, me snuggled into harrys chest and him holding me close to him.

I peck his lips lightly and he smiles a little. I kiss him a little harder and he he hums at me.
"Hey baby" he croaks out in his melt in the middle -raspy morning voice.
"Hey" I whisper back.

I peck his lips again and he holds me in place whilst kissing me back Harder. His hand cups my face whilst the other cards through my messy morning hair.

I roll over so I'm laid on top of him and sit up slightly, legs either side of his waist. He nibbles slightly on my bottom lip and I moan at the feeling of him wanting to kiss me properly. He does it again and slides his tongue in to my mouth as I whimper.

I've never actually done this before so I just sort of - hover? In his mouth. He sucks my tongue into his own mouth and works his against mine. It's a strange feeling. Very wet and the thought of it is gross. But it's actually quite hot.

I groan as he slides his teeth against my tongue and he grins, pulling away.

"You like that baby?" He asks.
"Yeah. 'S new to me- I'll get better. But I like it" I pant as he rolls us over so I'm on my back and he is hovering over me. He kisses down my neck slowly and sucks a few little bruises into my skin. Earning more moans and whimpers.

"Fuck quieter!" Gemma shouts as she bangs on the bedroom door.
"Shall we get food?" Harry sighs.
"S- sure" I whisper. I actually want to get off as I'm incredibly hard right now and it's actually painful. But it can wait i guess.

Harry makes us both a bacon sandwich each and I make the cups of tea, before we sit at the table and enjoy them.

"So, I've planned dinner tonight. And we'll have the house to ourselves afterwards, if you feel ready to do things. You said you were, but if you change your mind at any point, that's okay" Harry smiles.

"I am. I jus- I know I'm not a virgin, but I don't really know what to do"
"I'll show you babe" Harry smiles as he kisses the back of my hand.

"I love you harry" I say honestly.
"I love you too niall" he whispers.

I'm so happy he said it back, it's the first time we've said this to each other so I was worried he wouldn't feel the same yet, but I'm so relieved and honoured he feels the same way. That, out of all the people worthy of his love and affection - out of all the people he could love, he chose me.

I take my meds for the day and the rest of the day is spent lazy. We watch TV,  pig out on food and kiss. That's it. When it comes to getting ready, I get ready in Gemmas room -her suggestion "so it feels more like a date!"

I dress in a smart black shirt and some black jeans. They're tighter than I usually wear but no where near as tight as harrys. I finish my look with some smart dress shoes. I think my Supras aren't really fancy enough. I get my hair in a semi quiff and put on some Armani Mania aftershave before going downstairs to meet harry. (I heard him go down stairs 5 minutes ago).

"You look gorgeous" I say to him as I meet him at the bottom of the stairs. He does. He's dressed in a red flowery shirt (that should look hideous - but im jealous because it suits him). Some very skinny jeans and also smart shoes. His hair is combed neatly but left down, it looks great.

"Thank you. So do you baby" he smiles and kisses my lips. I lean up to kiss him back. We get a few good kisses in before louis breaks us apart and tells us to get in the car. I'm informed that harry has hired him for the night to he our driver - he's wearing a tie and everything!

Dinner is amazing. The food is flavoursome. The staff are accommodating. The atmosphere is heaven. The company is the best I could ask for. The night is perfect.

Once we've eaten, we head back home as harry has another activity planned. Once we get in, I almost burst into tears at the front door. The floor is littered in red and pink rose petals with the tea light candles down each side leading the way into the living room.

The living room has fairly lights covering the curtains, walls, book shelf etc. They're hanging down like - like magic. Creating a perfect magical moment of hope and dreams and love. The love that is being emitted from this room is overwhelming.

I know he didn't actually do this as he was out with me- but he planned it. He thought of all the tiny little details that no one considers. He organised this- to make our night special. Just like he promised.

"Harry- this- this is amazing" I whisper as he leads me into the middle of the room. He grabs the CD player remote from the table and presses play. It's a song I don't recognise but as soon as the artist sings i know who it is. It's harry. He's singing a song for me. He's written me a song.

He takes my waist  with one hand and my left hand in his other. He nods for me to place my hand on his shoulder- I do. He slowly guides us around the room to the song.

"You are the one Ni
And you know that it's true
I'm feeling younger
Every time that I'm alone with you

We were sitting in a parked car
Stealing kisses in the front yard
We got questions we should not ask but"

He sings the chorus live -

"How would you feel, if I told you I loved you?
It's just something that I want to do
I'll be taking my time, spending my life
Falling deeper in love with you
So tell me that you love me too

In the summer, as the lilacs bloom
Love flows deeper than the river
Every moment that I spend with you
We were sat upon our best friend's roof
I had both of my arms round you
Watching the sunrise replace the moon

How would you feel, if I told you I loved you?
It's just something that I want to do
I'll be taking my time, spending my life
Falling deeper in love with you
So tell me that you love me too

We were sitting in a parked car
Stealing kisses in the front yard
We got questions we should not ask

How would you feel, if I told you I loved you?
It's just something that I want to do
I'll be taking my time, spending my life
Falling deeper in love with you
So tell me that you love me too
Tell me that you love me too"

When the song ends harry kisses me softly and I kiss back immediately.
"I do love you too" I whisper.
"Good" he grins into my mouth.
"This has been the most perfect night. Thank you for making me feel special"

"You are special"
"You make me feel loved and wanted and- like I matter to someone"
"You do matter to someone. You matter to me" he says firmly.

"I know. I know I do. You show me everyday that I matter. I love you"
"I love you. Now, I've put clean sheets on the bed- but- we don't have to rush things. Tonight has been perfect- regardless of if we have sex or not" Harry says reassuringly.

"I think- I'm nervous but- I'm ready. I want to" I say with a shaky voice.
"Jump" is all he says as he hooks his hands under my thighs and picks me up. I squeel at first but grab onto him so I don't fall. He carries me upstairs, kissing my neck as we go.

He lays me gently on the bed of rose petals and takes off my shirt.
"No pressure, if you want to stop at any point, we will" he says.
"Thanks haz" I smile greatful, and tug at his shirt so he removes it. He does and then works on my jeans- then his own.

"You are beautiful" he whispers as he kisses my stomache and chest. He then kisses each thigh numerous times before pecking my lips.

I feel myself blush at the compliment and my penis grow hard from all the attention my body Is getting.

"You enjoying this baby? This is all for you. Yeah? For my gorgeous boy" Harry whispers as he cups my penis through my boxers. I whimper involuntarily and buck up into his hand for more friction.

He complies, rubbing me a little harder before removing my boxers and biting his bottom lip when my hard penis slaps up against my stomache.

I've never felt more vulnerable in my life. All naked and out on display for harry to view. For him to decide if I'm fit enough or not. This is overwhelming.

"Gorgeous" is all he says as he wraps his hand around my cock. I whimper at the contact and moan as I spill over his hand.
 
He looks shocked at first but pumps me through my orgasm. I personally am embarrassed. I usually last longer than that but, I didn't even know was that close until it was too late.

"I can last longer than that. I promise" I whisper as I come down from my high.
"It's okay. Your first time being touched yeah?" I nod "No one lasts long first time. It's okay. Don't worry about it baby"

We kiss gently for a few minutes before I ask harry how he'd like me to make him finish.

"It's okay babe"
"No- come on. Name it" I insist.
"Can- can I finger you?" He whispers.

"Course. Never before but. Um yeah. You'll look after me I know that. Sure" I say honestly.
"Didn't liam- finger you before you had sex?" Harry asks.
"No- he um- he had a smaller- um- rubber willy. He put that in before himself" I whisper.

"He didn't prep you?" Harry whispers.
"Yeah. With the rubber- thing"

Harry looks heartbroken at the news but I don't know why. It's not that bad. Sure it hurt and he didn't really let me adjust to him before moving- but it could have been worse.

After harry triple checks with me that I'm sure I want this- he gets some lube on three fingers and gently circles his middle finger around my - hole. Before pushing it in.

He goes slowly, giving me time to adapt and get used to the feeling. It's cold and wet and - uncomfortable? It doesn't hurt it's more- I just feel awkward. once the finger is all the way in, he waits until I nod before moving it around. He curls it slightly and I feel a jolt go straight from my hole- right up my spine.

He adds another one and I moan at the stretch. He again waits before moving, then curls them into that spot and I can't help it, my penis is fully erect and leaking against my leg.

"Fuck hazz" I whimper as he adds a third. This one hurts a little. It's quite a stretch and not a very comfortable one.

"So good baby" he pants "tell me when I can move"
"Okay. Move" I grunt as he pumps his fingers inside me. He hits that spot everytime and before I know what's happening, I'm cumming. Again. Untouched.

"God. Haz. Uh. Ugh yeah" I moan and whimper as he works me through my second orgasm. He removes his fingers and I'm greatful as I started to get sore. He then pulls his cock out of his boxers and works himself over.

I place my hand over his and bat his hands away. Finishing him off over my stomache.

"How was that?" I mumble as a wave of tiredness hits me.
"Perfect baby. So good for me" he whispers into my lips.
"Do you wan- proper- sex" I start asking but sleep takes over before I can finish.

I wake up around an hour later with a clean stomache and thighs and harry cuddled up to me in bed. I sigh in content and fall back to sleep.

The next time I wake up it's to harry breathing harshly and hitting my shoulder. I sit up and see him gasping for air- like he can't breath.

"Anne! Anne!" I shout as I dive out of bed.

"Harry. What's wrong!? Breath for me. Harry breath" I beg as he goes blue in the face due to lack of oxygen to the brain.

Harry pov

I wake up to chest pains and struggling breathing. I feel awful but I smack nialls shoulder until he wakes up. He's uncoordinated at first but soon wakes up and shouts my mum. That's the lady thing I remember before passing out.

When I wake up next it's to me in a hospital room. Niall is sat on one of the plastic chairs holding my hand and my mum next to him. Gemma and louis are on the other side of the bed.

"What happened?" I croak.
Niall is the first to dive up. He feeds me some water and kisses my head before the doctor tells me what's wrong.

"Harry, you weren't getting any oxygen around your body, which is why you passed out. Your brain was starved of oxygen. We've done some tests and- your left lung is faulty. You need a lung replacement" the doctor says.

"How longs the waiting list?" I whisper.
"Well, if yy were waiting for a donor it would be - at least 6 months. But, someone has volunteered especially for you. We can do the operation later today"

"Who?" I gasp. Who would willingly have surgery for me? Give up a lung? What if they need the lung in the future?

"Me" I hear the small voice of my boyfriend niall.
"No. What if you need it" I argue.
"I don't. Fit as a butcher me. I'm doing this harry". "What about your HIV? Or the meds? They won't cause you any harm with the anesthetic?" I mumble.

"Nope. My meds can cause me problems but -I haven't taken them today- yet" he says.
"What could happen if you had?"
"I'd die. They don't mix with the anesthetic and it will- would kill me" he whispers.

"You're sure about doing this?"
"Never been more sure. I love you harry. Remember that yeah?" He asks, tears in his eyes.
"Course. But I don't need to. I'll see you after the op" I say with a chuckle. He's so dramatic.

"Yeah. I love you. Better- better go get ready" he whispers.
"I love you niall" I sigh as I flop against the bed.

Louis heads out a minute later to get me a fresh glass of water before I'm jabbed with a needle and put to sleep.

"Thank you baby. See you on the other side" I whisper as I see my boy in the bed next to me. He too, is getting the anesthetic administered.

He smiles at me and squeezes my hand before I black out.

Chapter Text

Harry pov

I feel like shit when I wake up. My ribs and whole left side is on fire. My arms are numb and my throat is dry. I also struggle breathing for a few minutes but after that I feel a little better.

I'm greeted by the doctor who put me to sleep and he asks how I'm feeling.
"Tired. Where's niall?" I croak.

He hands me a drink of water and puts the straw to my lips so I can have a drink. He then puts it on the side. He's about to say something bit my mum and louis come in the room.

"How you doing harry?" Louis asks as my mum gives me a large cuddle.
"Alright. I'm tired though" I half chuckle.
"You are so brave" my mum says.

"I'm not. Niall is. He gave me a lung. I don't know how to compete with that" I chuckle. No one else does.

"What's wrong? Where's niall? Louis, where's niall?" I whisper, panic taking over.
"He- he didn't- um." Louis starts but cuts himself off.
"Mr Horan, had a reaction to the anesthetic. We found traces of HIV medicine in his blood. He lied. He- he had taken his medication and had a reaction to it. He died on the operating table" the doctor says.

I blink slowly. My whole body and face feels numb as the the tears drip down my face. Niall is dead? He died giving me a lung? He died so I could live? He- he knew. He knew he'd taken the medication. He knew he was going to die.

I feel louis took me into his chest as I break Down in his arms. My breathing is shallow. My body wracking with sobs and I hit my fist weakly against his chest.

"It's okay harry. Shhhh. It's alright" my mum says.
"No it isn't! Niall is- dead? Niall died because of me. He knew he would die if he had the surgery and he did it anyway" I cry. I shout. I scream. I curl up into a ball. I scream again. I cry again.

"Harry calm down or I'll have to sedate you"
"Fuck you! Fuck off. Get off me! Louis i sweat to God. Get the fuck away from me!!" I screech.
The nurse jabs me with a needle and I'm asleep in seconds.

___

The next time I wake up I'm slightly calmer. I don't feel any better. But I don't feel as much, like I need to smash everything up.

"Harry? Niall asked me to give you this. He said if anything happens to him, you were to have it" Louis says gently and hands me a folded up piece of paper.

I take the piece of paper and put it on the cupboard before going back to curling in a ball. The tears don't stop.
___

I can't understand why niall would do this. Why would he leave me? Why would he let himself die for me? I'm not worthy of his life! I'm not. It's not fair!!
___

It's three days after my surgery after nd the death of the boy I'm in love with. I haven't really slept much. I haven't really eaten much. I haven't even showered. I'm just laid, curled into a ball, cuddling my pillow.

"How are you" Louis asks as he's comes to see me once again.
"I'm alive" I whisper.
"Have you eaten?" I don't answer. I don't want another lecture.

"I'll take that as a no. Um- have you- have you read the letter?"
"No" I whisper. It's on my cupboard still folded. I haven't been able to bring myself to read it. I can't.

"You should. It might explain why he did this" Louis offers.
"I love him louis. I want him to come back" I whimper as tears once again fall.
"I know you do-"
"-I need him. I need his laugh. And his shy smile and his sparkly blue eyes that light up when I call him baby. I need him to lay on me so I can't roll over in my sleep and kiss me like there's no one else in the room. I need him. I need him to tell me he loves me. I need to be able to say I love him. I love him louis"

"I know. I'm so sorry harry"
"I don't want an apology. I want my boyfriend. I want my baby" I cry into my pillow.

I feel louis sit on the bed and pull my into his arms. He wraps his arms tightly around me and kisses my head.

"I've got you" he mutters.
"How am I supposed to live with out him? With out him, laughing at me for trying to charge my phone with out turning the socket on. Or with out him dribbling his ketchup all down his shirt. I miss him already. It's just not fair"

"I know it isn't. And I know you would swap places with him in a heart beat if you could. But you can't. Harry, niall wouldn't want you to live like this. Grieve, yes. But, but not waste away like this" Louis says as he strokes my hair.

"We had sex that night. Not all the way but- it was perfect lou. He was so beautiful. So stunning. He never even knew how gorgeous he was"

"You told him. He knew. I promise. He died knowing he was loved"
"What- I miss him."
"So do i. He was a lovely boy" Louis agrees.

"He was so perfect. And brave. And- the only person he had sex with was liam. That dickhead that ruined his life-"

"-He won't have thought of that. He'd have thought of you. And the time you two spent together"

"I have to plan the funeral. I don't want to. I don't want to bury him in the ground." I whimper, once again crying into my hands.
"I'll help you if you want me to. It's okay- it will be okay. You're not in this alone" Louis reassures me.

"Will you- will you stay with me- while I read the letter? Please lou" I whisper.
He doesn't answer. Just hands me the letter and wraps his arms tightly around me as if to say 'I'm staying'.

With shaky hands I open the piece if paper and slowly read the words written with nialls messy hand writing. I feel louis reading the letter over my shoulder.

Haz,
Thank you for everything you've done for me. I can't explain what it meant to have someone who had my back like you did. I feel honoured to have been apart of your life. I feel blessed to know, that out of all the people worthy of your love, all the people you could have loved- you chose to share your love with me.

When I look into your eyes, It makes me both nervous and excited. Frozen but some how... alive. It's both love and fear. I look at you and I'm home.

Ghandi once said 'you must be the change you wish to see in the world'. I guess that means you're my Ghandi. I love you so much harry, you have no idea.

You've saved me more times than I can count. It was my turn to save you.

I love you always,
Niall x
___