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One of the things Luke prided himself on was having a good memory. He’s memorized dates and moments and little things about the people he came into contact with; it was without a doubt one of his most endearing qualities. He buys gifts for people when he remembers their birthdays, he remembers every single day that each song was written and finished by their band, he remembers every city they’ve visited and every show they’d played – all of it is laced into the complexity of his brain. Sometimes Luke’s memories haunt him; they’re daunting glimpses into memories that pains him to remember, and he wishes he didn’t. For instance, the little things he remembers about people he doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to know that Calum bites his lip before he smiles, or how Cal quirks an eyebrow whenever someone tells him something serious, or how he giggled – he actually fucking giggled – the first time Luke told him he was cute.
He hates how he remembers what Calum wants for his birthday every year. He remembers every special date of his favorite days he’s spent writing with Cal, every show that Calum flirted with him onstage and every city they were in where it wasn’t just him in his hotel bed at night. He remembers every secret kiss and rushed hug and giggle-whimper-moan that happened behind closed doors, all of the quiet whisperings of ‘you know we can’t get caught’ or ‘we can’t let anyone else know about us’ or ‘this can just be our little secret’. He remembers the last night with Calum – how Cal was gentle and caring and soft, how he touched Luke everywhere and how his lips left scalding trails over his body. He remembers Calum on top of him, moaning wantonly into his neck and giving him everything he wanted – that he needed, and how they released with a gasp of each other’s names. He remembers it all.
Luke also remembers the ignored gazes and conversations that went unspoken. He remembers every single time Calum left the room when he entered it and how he would visibly shift and fidget under Luke’s stare. He remembers the weeks of no communication and the loss of his first love and best friend. Then he remembers the slow shift back to Calum and Luke before CalumandLuke was ever a thing, and how it wasn’t what he wanted but he accepted it nonetheless. Then he remembers noticing how Calum seemed to be his happy self again, but it wasn’t because of him. All the smiles and touches and hugs that used to be for him were now given to Ashton. Ash got all his attention, Ash spent time writing songs with him and flirted with onstage, and Ash was the one that spent the nights in Calum’s bed now.
But what Ashton didn’t get, was the hiding.
They got to parade their relationship out in the open. The kissing and hugging and giggling that Luke was forced to hide got shoved in his face by Calum and Ashton. All the pain from having to hide how he feels because Cal was too scared to tell people, Ashton didn’t have the luxury of getting. He got happiness and joy and support and love and everything that Luke deserved but wasn’t worthy of.
He remembers when he told everyone that Ash was his boyfriend, he remembers the first time he saw the two of them kiss; looking happier than he’s ever seen either of them, and he remembers the way that Calum couldn’t meet his gaze after the fact, too wrapped up in the boy he was holding in his arms.
He remembers watching Calum fall in love with Ashton, and fall out of love with him.
And he wishes that for once, he could finally forget.