Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shailene's Point of View

I stand alone in the corner of the club, sipping on some wine every time the cameras aren't pointed on me. It's the Insurgent promo wrap party, and not only am I tired, but I'm annoyed. So much traveling has been done in the past few days that I don't even know what time it is anymore, and all I want to do is take a nap. Wrap parties are usually a lot of fun anyways so I wasn't reluctant to come, since I'd hoped I'd get some stress out through having a good time. But this isn't fun at all. It's almost unbearable. Paparazzi are everywhere, flocking around me and my costars and anyone who seems to have any importance. This is the first time all night I haven't been surrounded by cameras and microphones and people with glossy photos and Sharpies. I'm in the back of the club near the restrooms where a large beam is obstructing the view from the dance floor, where loud, obnoxious crowds of people stand huddled together. I should be safe here for a little while, at least until my migraine dies away.

I lean my head against the wall and sigh deeply, closing my eyes. I lift the glass to my lips and drink slowly, savoring the taste as it slides down my throat.

    "What are you hiding away for?" I want to curse whoever it was that noticed me and is coming my way now, but then I recognize the voice. I open my eyes to see Theo walking towards me, a glass of beer in his hand. He raises his eyebrows at me curiously as he approaches.

    “This is is insane," I say. "There's so many fucking photographers and paparazzi. I thought we were done with that by now, but apparently not."

Theo leans against the wall next to me and shrugs. "What can you do? I'd tell them to fuck off, but you know they'd just record it and then every newsstand would read, 'Theo James is an arrogant fuckboy, millions of teenage fans burn their cardboard cutouts in protest.'"

I can't help but laugh. "Don't flatter yourself," I reply, shoving his arm with my elbow so he knows I'm teasing. "You don't have millions of fans. You wouldn't even make it onto the cover of a magazine."

He laughs along with me and takes another sip of his drink. We stand in silence for a moment, and then he turns to face me. "Hey, wanna get out of here?"

I don't hesitate for a second before following him. We slip out the back door without getting noticed- thank God. I would feel bad for leaving Miles, Ansel, Keiynan and everyone behind but as far as I could tell, they were having a great time. They hadn't done all the promotion we had though, so they weren't as tired.

Theo's rental car is a sleek and black, with tinted windows and cream interior. I watch the city pass by in a haze as we drive. I'm interested by Theo's music selection. As we head back to the hotel, a mid-tempo song plays softly, a slightly-accented girl's voice singing out in tune with the drums in the background. I reach forward to turn the volume up.

    "What's this?" I ask.

He smiles a little, so faintly I don't think he even realizes it. I find myself smiling too when I watch him without even consciously deciding to. He looks young, younger than he usually does, and at peace.

    "Remember that song I was telling you about in that livestream interview we did, the one that was from the John Wick movie?" he says.

I nod. "This is it?"

He grins again and turns the volume up even more. He starts to sing along, mocking himself at first, but then as I join him, he sings normally, naturally. I've never heard him sing before, although he's told me about his past bands and musical abilities. I listen to him, watching as his eyebrows furrow when the pitch changes. His voice is deep, low...sexy. I suddenly feel a little jittery.

He trails off when the beat picks up again; he must have noticed I stopped singing.

    "You're actually really good," I say as earnestly as I can. I'm not joking, I want him to know that.

    "Actually?" He responds, feigning insult. "You shouldn't be shocked."

He smirks, but I notice how he glances over at me as he makes a turn, as if he's hesitant about my honesty. I recognize this look as a question, for me to reiterate that I meant what I said.

I nod, even though he's looked back towards the road. "I'm serious. You have a really, really nice voice."

He smiles at me, saying "thanks" back quietly. We sit in flustered silence, not awkward but not entirely comfortable either. I think the moment has blown over when the song changes; I'm just about to ask him who sings this one, when he reaches over and settles his hand over mine and shoots me a quick smile as if to say "thank you". I open my mouth but close it instantly; he has looked away, and after all, what could I say? I just sit back and don't say anything else for the rest of the ride, I just concentrate on the beat of the drums.

When we park in the hotel garage, everything changes back to normal as if flipped by a switch. We make small talk with a woman with a dog in her purse who says she's catching a flight back to Alaska at midnight. I tell her how I'd love to go to Alaska someday, or maybe even live there, and Theo talks about how remote and "fucking cold as shit" it must be. I hit his arm, telling him not to swear in front of the lady, and he hits my arm back and tells me not to sass him, but apologizes to the lady nonetheless. She waves it off, and when she gets off at the lobby floor, she raises her eyebrows at me and winks, and then walks away without another word.

    Theo's hotel room is, as expected, a mess. We've only been here maybe five hours, counting the ones we've spent in the club, yet clothes are already strewn everywhere.

    "I couldn't find the jacket I wanted to wear," Theo explains, as if it's the most understandable reason in the world and I'm silly for not assuming that immediately.

    "They all look the same," I say as I kick off my shoes and flop onto the couch. "This is why I live out of a suitcase, James."

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, alright Shai, keep telling me about that but it won't make me change my mind about my Prada jacket." He pops the collar of his shirt and walks over to the mini fridge in the corner. "Want anything?"

    "Got any beer?"

    "Hell yes, Shai, do you know me at all?"

I smirk and take the bottle from his hand, taking a long sip. He sits next to me, propping the bottle between his leg and the side of the couch while he takes off his jacket, laying it on the back of the couch.

    "For such a pimp, you don't really take care of your stuff," I point out, still teasing.

    "Hey," Theo says, "like you said, we just got here. I didn't have time to organize. Plus, it's not mine. I'm just renting it. It'll get dry cleaned soon enough when I return it."

    "Fair enough," I respond, taking another sip of the beer. The coldness is refreshing and brings a buzz into my body that wasn't there before. It's definitely the beer making me feel that way, I tell myself. Or maybe it's just the closeness of the man sitting next to me.

Wait, what? Since when did I ever get anxious around him?

I can't deny that he's attractive, he's intelligent, he's a great guy all around. He's always made me feel comfortable and supported and our friendship has always come naturally with little to no awkwardness. But it's just that- friendship.

Right?

I focus my gaze on the box sits on the coffee table with a silver, fancy-looking watch resting in it. "You're gonna get mugged anyways," I say, pointing at it.

    Theo shrugs. "I like to give to the poor. You know me, Mr. Generous."

I shake my head. "You're crazy."

    "You love it," he replies. I don't realize the potential flirtation behind his comment until moments later when he's said something else, and the recognition makes something inside me jump.

I stare at him and he stares back. My stomach flips again. All these flirty comments he's made to me in the past come rushing through my brain. They were jokes, just friendly laughs. But his gaze is unrelenting and I swear he moves closer to me, even if just an inch.

We finally break away from our stare after another moment. I brush my hands off on my pants even though nothing's on them. Theo gets up and puts in a movie- Dirty Dancing. He knows it's my favorite.

I lift my feet up onto the couch so I'm curled up. We have the entire couch, yet we migrate onto one side. Theo unbuttons the top few buttons on his shirt and I pretend not to notice.

Later, as the movie is almost over and my eyelids are getting heavier, we sit close. His arm is around the top of the couch, resting half on my shoulders, half on the fabric. Every now and then I feel his fingers slightly run over my hair. I have my knees tucked to the right, so that I'm basically leaned into his chest. I can smell him, a mixture of his cologne and something distinctly and purely him. I become hyper-aware of every move he makes suddenly, and I'm careful not to move too much.

    "You look really cute when you're caught up in a movie," Theo says, so quietly I almost think I imagined it. But his eyes are on me, and his hand is on my shoulder, a gentle pressure edging me forwards.

I don't know what to say back. I find myself leaning closer, as if moved by some magnetic force, and then before I can do anything, his mouth is inches from mine and I freeze and my heart pounds so hard that I can’t do anything and then wordlessly, he kisses me.

I've kissed him before. Plenty of times. It took a lot of filming to get the first Tris and Four kiss right. I always felt butterflies in my stomach when he kissed me on set, but I thought it was just because I was in tune with Tris's emotions. But this isn't Tris. This is me. And it's not like butterflies, instead it feels like a cage of crows was set loose in my stomach, and they're fighting, clawing their way through my chest to escape.

I grasp Theo's shirt in my fist, kissing him harder. His arm wraps around my waist and we're a combination of desperate and slow, uncertain and forward. His mouth parts and he bites down on my lip gently. He mumbles my name and something inaudible. I don't bother to ask him what he said, I'm too caught up. He kisses my jaw, my cheek, the corner of my mouth, then back to my lips, sliding his hands around my waist.

My heartbeat flutters in my chest, and suddenly it hits me.

I like him.

It's as simple as that, so blatantly obvious I can't believe I've been oblivious for too long. I'm shocked by my denial, but I'm more shocked when Theo's hands slide up my bare chest. I sigh, taking in the warmth of his hands, the gentleness of his touch, and the proximity of his touch. Everything is buzzing with life.

And then I realize why.

Instantly I push my hands against Theo's chest, distancing myself. I tug my shirt back down. I glance at the empty bottles on the table, the frazzled look in Theo's eye, and stand, snatching my high heels off the floor.

    "I need to go," I say and start walking to the door, not waiting for a response.

    "Wait, Shai- what?! Shai, what's wrong? What did I do?" His voice is laced with desperation. I ignore him and grasp the doorknob and yank the door open.

Theo's hand touches my shoulder and spins me around. As soon as I look at him, a lump in my throat forms. I can feel tears pinching, threatening to fall from my eyes.

    "We can't do this," I say.

Theo looks genuinely confused. Probably another side effect of the alcohol. "Do what? Shai, I didn't want to upset you, I just...I thought you felt the same way, and once we started I didn't really think-"

A short laugh escapes my choked throat. "Of course you didn't think. Neither did I. We're just drunk."

Theo just stares at me.

    "And we're costars and friends and nothing more,” I continue, babbling. “We didn't mean any of that and it wasn't supposed to happen and we need to just forget that it ever did, okay? This isn't the way things were supposed to be. It's all just a mistake."

    "Shai, it wasn’t a mistake-" Theo starts, but I cut him off.

   "Please," is all I can muster out before the first tear falls. I look at him and my heart still feels like it's going to combust at any moment, but this time, not in a good way. I look at him- the man who's been my friend for years and whom I know I love, or at least like, as someone more than a friend. I imagine, for a split second, what would happen if we continued, if things went even further. What would he do? What would I do? Where would we be when we woke up?

The thought of us waking up together and ending up even worse off than the way we are know is what encourages me to walk through the door and not look back. God knows how badly I want to try again, how much I want to find out how we fit together, what it would be like to wake up by his side, in his bed, in his shirt. I couldn't admit this before. I only just realized it now. And it's too late to take back.

But I can taste the liquor on my tongue, mixed with his own scent. Those two things should not be combined, I now know. He calls my name from the doorway but doesn't chase after me. He's too drunk to. And I'm too drunk- and maybe just too sad- to stop the tears from falling in the elevator, to keep myself from sniffling in the lobby and the taxi ride back to my own hotel, and eventually, too weary to stop myself from sobbing myself to sleep once I get into bed.

Chapter Text

Shailene’s Point of View

I wake up the next morning in a haze. My face feels stiff from the dried tears of the night before and my body is curled up on the corner of the bed, hunched over a pillow. When I sit up my head throbs. Memories of last night come rushing into my head and tears form in my eyes again, so I force myself to shower, get dressed, and be on my way to the final cast lunch in Melrose.

While last night was the last technical celebration for Insurgent, after filming we always have a little crew meeting before we part ways to plan out when we can start filming the next movie. Normally these sort of meetings are fun and exciting, and help give me a better idea of what to look forward to once filming picks up again. Today, though, I think I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than even step foot into that room.

Of course, Theo’s the first person I see. He wears a dark red flannel and sips from a plastic cup. I avert my eyes from his direction as soon as possible and walk to the opposite side of the room. I feel childish for trying so hard to escape him, but then I remember how he almost took my shirt off and my aversion feels justified.

I go over and talk with Kate; she is here because not only did she play a huge role in Divergent and Insurgent but she will have a reprisal in Allegiant. She’s cheery as always, but she seems to know something’s off with me. Me and her had become so close while filming, I feel like she is my older sister. I suddenly remember that she once told me that she admired Theo and I’s relationship, that it had reminded her of her own bond with Leonardo DiCaprio. The remembrance makes my stomach drop. She and Leo had dated once, or at least been romantically linked. Things had never worked out for them. Of course, it was meant to be that things wouldn’t work out for Theo and I either.

I tell Kate that I’m fine, that I’m just a little worn down. She gives me a knowing, disbelieving look and I’m about to cave in, to take her out to the hallway and explain everything that went on last night, but then Rob calls us all over to the table so I give her a more convincing smile and follow her to our chairs.

The meeting goes on for almost two hours. Rob explains the premise for Allegiant, how we’re going to split it into two parts and end the film it on a cliffhanger. We all plan to read the book in order to fully understand our characters, but Rob advises us to only read it to a certain point so that what happens in the end of the book will not affect our portrayal in the first half. When the meeting is over and everyone starts to say their goodbyes, I make it a point to talk to Zoe for an extensive amount of time. I can hear Theo behind me talking to Daniel Dae Kim and I know that at some point I’ll be standing face to face with him. I’ve managed to make it nearly through the whole meeting without elongated eye contact or any conversation that isn’t work-related. I could feel his eyes on me throughout the majority of the meeting, just as I can feel them on me now. Zoe hugs me once more and turns to Suki, and then I’m standing there alone, right next to Theo, who is bidding Daniel goodbye. I stare at the toes of my shoes, inspecting the patterned linoleum like it’s the most fascinating thing I’ve ever seen. I feel that I’ve made myself look pretty reserved and unwelcoming in this position, but then Theo’s battered boots come into my vision, standing parallel to my sneakers.

“Hi,” he says quietly.

I don’t meet his eyes. I pick absently at my fingernails. “Hi,” I say back as neutral as I can.

He hesitates, then asks, “are we okay?”

I finally look up, but I can’t for too long. His eyes are concerned, and when I see the flecks of gold inside his irises, all I can think of is how alive they looked last night as we drove, as he parked his car in the dim light of the garage, as his face was inches from mine and his breath was on my skin.

I swallow and pray to God that the tears don’t start to form. I never thought I’d be so upset over this. I was never the type to get so hung up and heartbroken over a guy, especially not when we weren’t even together. But this is clearly not a typical case. After all, Theo is my best friend. That’s the reason I’m upset, I tell myself, not over any deeper meaning.

“I don’t know, are we?” I don’t say it snarkily. I just ask it, a simple question, as nonchalantly as I can.

But this is not a nonchalant matter.

“Can we...talk about it?” he asks. His voice is low, shy, serious. He hasn’t made a joke or even acted remotely casual around me all day- not that I’ve really given him any chance to do otherwise, considering how much I’ve avoided him. For a brief moment I wonder if maybe that’s because he was affected by this whole situation as much as I was. I ridicule myself for thinking that way and force that thought out of my head right away. That’s not the case. I have to remember that, and not even imagine that it could be otherwise. It’ll just end up hurting me even more.

“Not right now,” I say. “After. Meet me at the cafe down the street and we’ll talk there.”

He nods and says nothing else, so we’re left standing there, staring at each other. I’m sure my face is emotionless. I don’t know how to act. He clearly doesn’t either. Ashley Judd comes over to give me one more hug, and then people start clearing out of the room, off to do whatever on their own for the next two months until we begin filming again.

I turn to Theo. “Now?” I ask.

He nods. “I’ll follow your car.”

We walk wordlessly to the curb and unlock our cars.

“See you in a few,” Theo calls before he hops into the driver’s seat.

I don’t respond.

When we enter the cafe we sit at a table in the corner, waving off the waitress with nothing but two waters for our order. We make it obvious that we're not in the mood for a full meal or for casual conversation with her, and she seems to get the point.

Theo and I look at each other for a long time. Finally I clear my throat and speak.

"Listen, I'm sorry about how I stormed out last night," I say before I can think better of it. I don't know why that was the first thing to leave my mouth. I hadn't considered my actions after the kiss to be the most problematic part of the entire incident, I thought I was justified, that I was doing the right thing. Sitting in front of Theo now though, I understand how that could have hurt him, even though he was just drunk at the time. Besides, I know where this conversation is going. I'm going to hurt him, and he's going to hurt me. It's best to get an apology out first, before anything I've done can be used as a weapon.

"Why did you leave?" Theo asks. It seems like a dumb question, that I made it pretty obvious why I left. But thinking back on it now, what I did seems harsh when put into words.

"I...we shouldn't have done that," I finally say.

Theo stares at me. "Why not?" He asks simply. I can't tell if he's genuinely confused or testing my judgment.

I suddenly feel uncomfortable. I cross my hands across my chest and am grateful when the waitress brings out waters. I wish she'd say something. I wish Theo would say something else. I wish I didn't have to say what I'm about to.

"Because we can't be together like that," I say. It comes out like a rush of air, leaving my mouth too quickly, the words lacking emotion. I say the words like a speech. "Because we're co-workers, and yes, you're one of my best friends, but at the end of the day that's all it comes down to. We can't be anything more than that because it would just be wrong, and we've both gotten ourselves in entirely different paths on our own life. We just...we're not meant for that. Even if it didn't mean anything, I don't think it would be fair to ourselves or the other people we work with to complicate things like that. But that's a whole other story. We were just drunk last night. It's not a big deal, it was nothing."

Theo doesn't look at me. He sips his water slowly, and takes his time putting the cup down. He doesn't meet my eyes when he says, "okay."

It’s that easy for him to resolve? I sit in shock for a moment. I was expecting a banter. Deep down I know I expected him to fight for us and say that I’m wrong, that we could be more and we should be more than friends. But I should have known better than to expect that. I should have known better than to even dream that last night was anything but influenced from intoxication.

Nonetheless, I want to say I'm sorry, to confess that what I just said was lies and in reality I wish we could be together, even if it was just a casual affair. I want to admit it first, in case he’s too shy too, so that I can give him the prodding to say the rest. But I know that won’t happen. I don't want to say out loud that I know the alcohol was the only reason he kissed me. I don't think it was the only reason I felt that way about him that night though, because I still feel that way now. I look at him and his hands that are absently folding over the hem of his shirt, and I feel giddy and want to lace my fingers with his. I felt that way before, and I feel that way now. But I doubt that Theo feels the same, or that he ever did.

We sit in silence for a few more moments, and it's the most unbearable time I've ever spent with him. Probably the most unbearable time I've spent in my entire life with anyone, actually. We get up to leave without agreeing that we’re finished, after handing our waitress a five dollar bill, and stand by our cars in awkwardness.

"So we're good?" He asks finally. I can hear the quiet jingle of his car keys in his pocket as his hand fiddles with it. He's as eager as I am to get out of this situation. I wonder if this rejection is worse than the realization I would've had if I stayed with him last night. We would have had the same epiphany sooner or later. It would have sucked equally as much in two month as it does now.

"We're good," I say with a tight lipped smile. Theo returns it. We don't hug. We don't even say a proper goodbye. Theo touches my shoulder stiffly and rubs it, then awkwardly turns away and climbs into his car. The entire movement is reminiscent of saying goodbye to a distant relative that you only see every few years around Christmastime. I try not to look in my rear view mirror at Theo's car driving the opposite way as I head towards my hotel. I'm going to pick up my things and head to the airport in a few hours to go home and spend some time with family. I'll forget about Theo and the kiss and the whole situation, and when I see him again in two months, things will be back to normal. I have to believe that, have to remember how strong our friendship is, and how we can't risk that. This experience will be forgotten, and life will resume as normal. If I believe this, it'll happen. That's my only hope.

Chapter Text

Theo’s Point of View

The next few weeks go by in a blur. I couldn’t give you the specifics of each day and of what I did if you paid me a million dollars, honestly. All I’ve done is go through the motions of everything I’ve had to do. I’ve visited with my family, friends, ran errands, and tried to act remotely human, but I feel as if I’m not doing a good job of putting up a front. My family- my parents, my brothers, my aunts- they all seem to know something’s up with it, but they haven’t prodded me for details yet. My excuses that I’m tired seem to be enough to pass by without questioning, and I’m thankful.

The truth is that even if someone asked me how I felt, I wouldn’t know where to begin. What happened between Shailene and I is...confusing. All this time I had thought that she had wanted us to be together, even if just in a one night stand. We’d always had a somewhat flirty relationship, and I’d always thought that she’d taken my jokes seriously, even though I tried to play them off as if they were nothing more than teasing. When she had kissed me back, I felt as if all my doubts had been wiped away- she felt the same way. She wanted me, the same way I wanted her, and we finally didn’t have to pretend that we were any less.

She thinks I was drunk. She thinks that’s the reason I kissed her. I know that’s how she feels, even though she didn’t come right out and say that. In that cafe, I wanted nothing more than to kiss her again and tell her the alcohol had nothing to do with it, that I would kiss her if I was drunk and I would kiss her a million times more if I was sober. Maybe the beer had made me braver and less afraid to actually act upon my instincts, but it certainly wasn’t my only impulse. I wanted to tell her this; more than anything I wished I had been brave enough then, without the alcohol, to tell her I meant what I did. But I couldn’t. What was the point? She had already confessed that she didn’t want me like that. She thought that our kiss was a mistake . What’s a worse ego-killer than that? All this time I had genuinely thought she liked me back as more than a friend, as more than a costar. She’d sure led me on to think so. And I’m not gonna lie, in the back of my mind I kept that thought there and it gave me hope on anything that went on my life. I felt like she and I were destined to become more, but I knew it would take more to cross that line; I thought our kiss would do that. Clearly, I was mistaken; it’s only driven us further apart.

“Earth to Theo?” I hear a voice ask, snapping me out of my thoughts. My brother Tom stands in front of me, holding a bowl of chips. He flops down on the couch next to me, outstretching the bowl in offering, and raises his eyebrows at me when I decline.

“Alright, what’s up with you?” he asks.

“Nothing,” I reply as nonchalantly as I can. “Why do you ask?”

“You’ve been sitting staring at the same page in your book for ten minutes and you’ve been acting like you’re in a haze for weeks now. I didn’t want to ask but now you’ve got me worried. I mean, since when do you ever decline food? Something serious has really gotta be up if you aren’t intrigued by chips.”
I force a chuckle, then reach over and grab a handful of chips. “Better?”

Tom laughs, but gives me another look. “Seriously dude. What’s going on?”

I sigh. I should know by now that I can’t ignore my problems forever. Tom’s good at advice anyways; he’s been married for three years and never mentions any issues with his wife. They have a baby on the way and he still has no complaints, even with a moody wife and lots of demands for the baby. He’s what you’d call a master at life. Everything’s a breeze. He wouldn’t be caught dead in a situation where he confessed his feelings to a girl and she didn’t reciprocate. I’m the one who gets the problems. Nonetheless, I can’t say that I even confessed myself to Shai. She doesn’t know how I feel about her. That’s probably the biggest issue. She just thinks I get reckless and hormonal when I’m really drunk. She has no idea about how long I’d waited to do that, how I’d planned it out in my head for so long. Although it’s easy for us to be together, with no stress at all, I used to get nervous whenever I thought about what would happen if I just kissed her or held her hand. In that moment that I finally did, it didn’t take any thinking. It just happened, like it was meant to. It wasn’t even a conscious decision- it just felt like the right thing to do.

I tell Tom all about what happened. He stares at me for a long moment after I finish the story, and then his face breaks out into a huge smile. He claps me on the back and for a second I think he’s going to get up and start dancing.

“Finally, dude!” he exclaims.

“What?”

“I knew this was bound to happen. I saw the way you and Shailene looked at each other. I’ve been waiting on this.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask.

He shakes his head and smiles at me. “Man, you don’t see it?”

He laughs when I don’t respond.

“Theo, I saw this coming from a mile away. The second I saw you two together filming for that big make out scene for Divergent I knew this was bound to happen.” I cringe thinking back to the time he made a surprise visit on set, on the day Shai and I had to redo the first kiss between Tris and Four. But what does he mean?

“That was acting,” I say.

“No...I could see how you two acted around one another. Before I even said hello to Shailene I knew she was good for you because she looked at you like you were the best thing to ever walk into her life. I’m not exaggerating either. And watching you both on screen- that kind of chemistry doesn’t come from nothing.”

“Then why’d she walk away? Why’d she run away from me when I tried to be with her in that way she’s used to? We kiss all the time for the cameras. It wasn’t that different…” I feel weak, suddenly, and powerless. I think of Shai, all the way across the ocean in California, across the entire length of another country and I feel too small. She’s too far away, and God knows how she’s doing. If Tom is right, maybe she just wanted me to fight for her, maybe she needed clarification that it wasn’t just a fling, not just a drunken mistake…

Tom shrugs. “Women are weird. But I’m telling you. Don’t lose this one. Whatever it takes, let her know how you feel. That’s the only way to make things better, especially since you’ve already expressed some of your feelings. Now you just gotta explain it in words.”

“How?” I say. “I don’t even know where she is. She could have a boyfriend and have just not wanted to tell me, and that’s why she ran away.”

Tom gives me a look, as if to say “don’t be stupid”.

“It makes sense,” I say.

“No, it doesn’t,” Tom says. “You two talk all the time, right? You’re practically best friends. She would have told you if she had a boyfriend. Come on, man. Trust me here.”

Looking at my brother, with the new information he’s just given me, I have to admit that I feel more empowered now. Maybe Shai and I were both just confused with each other’s feelings. It would be better to at least leave the situation on a better foot; I can’t help but feel unsatisfied with how we ended it. At the end of the day, Shai is my best friend. I can’t lose that, even if I can’t have her in the way I truly want.

I give myself a few hours to think it over, to decide how and when I’m going to talk to Shai about it all. It’s only after dinner, when my mother had asked me when I start filming Allegiant, I excuse myself and step outside. The London air is cold, but I don’t mind it.

I’d been so caught up in my moping that I hadn’t even thought of when I’d see Shailene again. Three weeks. Just three weeks until we have to see each other again and continue filming. We’re destined to have to kiss when filming, there’s no way we’ll go through that when we’re still not speaking. Shailene’s clearly been ignoring me, or at least she hasn’t cared enough to bother to call me. Or maybe she doesn’t think I want to talk to her. Truth be told, I haven’t made an effort to call her either. I pull my cell phone out of my pocket and dial Shai’s number. I get her voicemail twice, and after I wait a few minutes to call again so I don’t seem too urgent, I get it again. Maybe she is truly ignoring me, or she’s just busy. I won’t take it personally. I could go to extremes and do something romantic and extravagant when we meet again- which was my first instinct as soon as I remembered when filming starts again, honestly, but no. If she truly doesn’t feel the same way about me, going all Romeo on her surely won’t make things any better between us.

No, I’ll think of something. I’ll find a way to fix this. Being without her, even just without her friendship, is something I’m already finding hard to live without. It’s unsettling to go through my day to day life knowing that she and I are on bad terms. The one thing that steers me forward is the fact that she had kissed me back that night, even if she regretted it a moment later. All the memories we’ve made in the past, all the times we’ve spent together, and all the times I felt the spark between us is enough proof to me that something is there between us. I have to fix this. I have to at least try. Because right now, missing her is pure pain, and I can’t handle it anymore.

Chapter Text

Shailene’s Point of View

By the time Allegiant filming rolls back around and I find myself in Atlanta again, I feel even less motivated and thrilled to be back at work again. I had a fairly relaxed break off, spending free time with friends, family, and myself, trying to center my consciousness back into normality. It’s been six weeks though. At least I think it has- I’ve lost count of the days that have gone by. They’ve all seem to blend together with barely no purpose at all, and I know exactly who to blame.

Him.

I don’t want to say his name, and I certainly don’t want to see him today. Yet here I am, back in Atlanta’s scorching heat, making my way towards set. Yesterday was our first day back and I had made through the entire day without seeing him. I don’t consider myself lucky though, that was only because we were all just getting set up and working out papers and registrations to rent the land and equipment we were filming with. No actual filming had been done. I knew the other cast members had partied and had fun reuniting, and I had met with a few of them- Zoe, Maggie, Miles, Ansel- but I spent the majority of my time in my trailer, studying my lines. Today’s work is similar, just getting to know the new filming area and mapping out what we’ll film tomorrow.

I don't want to move when I first wake up. Thoughts cloud my mind and for a moment I don't think I can actually get through the day. But I eat my breakfast, give myself a pep talk, and walk out the door, no matter how badly I want to stay inside.

I walk towards Rob, our director- who’s standing alongside Theo- and I instantly want to turn on my heels and run in the opposite direction. He already sees me though, I can tell from the straightening of his posture and the way he won’t look in my direction anymore. I’d be stung by his reaction if I hadn’t been expecting it, and if I didn’t feel the same way.

Regardless of my internal battle, I approach Rob and give him a quick hug, already wondering if the situation calls for Theo to hug me. Theo’s eyes meet mine over Rob’s shoulder and my heart lurches. I shouldn’t be so nervous, we’d resolved things and we should go back to normal. But clearly this is not the case. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t made it a point to ignore Theo. He had called, but not only had it been late when he’d called, but what would we really say? Between the way we ended things in Melrose, I didn’t expect that we could suddenly go right back to normal. Maybe it didn’t help that I dodged his calls, but we both didn’t need the awkwardness. It would have just made things more difficult.  When I pull away, Theo gives me a tight lipped smile and asks me how I’ve been. I don’t know what I say back. Something decent, hopefully. We don't hug. I suddenly feel as if standing levelly on two feet is a trial of its own.

Rob gives us a strange look but doesn’t question us on our isolation. Instead, he hands us revised copies of our scripts and leads us to the indoor room where we’ll be filming tomorrow. I try to keep my focus off Theo, but it’s hard, being so close to him as we stand side by side, not touching, not even looking at each other. I am able to smell him, even from my distance, and seeing his toned skin and black jacket next to me makes my stomach jump, no matter how hard I try to control it. I try to listen attently to what Rob is saying, but my attention is lacking and there's nothing I can consciously do about that when I'm in Theo's presence.

The tour takes about two hours in total, as we go through instructions with him, with the camera and light and green screen guys, all preparation for the scene we’ll be filming tomorrow- Tris and Four’s first date. It’s short, but meaningful; it’ll show how deeply our characters care about each other and how much they’ve been through, both individually and as a couple. I take one look at the script and look away, because all I see is quotation marks and capital letters and lots of words emphasizing the importance of close physical contact in this scene. I glance at Theo, whose eyes are on me, and look away when I imagine being even closer to him tomorrow.

Rob bids us farewell, but not without giving Theo and I another questionable glance. He opens his mouth to say something more but decides better of it, walking away and leaving us behind. I stare at the tiles of the floor in front of me until I know I have to look up.

I meet Theo’s eyes and give him a small smile. “Excited for filming?” I ask.

    “Yeah,” he says, but it doesn’t sound sincere. “Listen,” he finally says after a moment of silence. “Can we meet later tonight? It’s been a while, and I think I could use some practice on scenes before we actually have to film them.”

I’m stunned by his sudden resolve, how he isn’t putting up a front like I am to pretend things between us are alright. Then again, he’s saying he just wants to practice some scenes. That’s nothing abnormal for us; we’ve done that all the time for the past films.

It takes me a moment to respond. “Yeah, that’d be great,” I say. “You can come over to my trailer later tonight.”

We part ways awkwardly again, and within seconds I’m already anxious about what’s going to happen tonight. Will we be uncomfortable around one another, like we were just now? Will we have to forget the relationship we had before, ignoring the fact that we were best friends, even if nothing else? Will we act like nothing ever happened, like we never kissed and never argued and never went weeks without talking to each other? I can pretend I don’t feel things for him- I just did, after all- but it’s slowly torturing me. God, ever since he kissed me all I wanted was to feel it again, but I won’t dare admit it, not even to myself.

I consider myself to be pretty stressed all day as I await his arrival, but it’s not until I hear the knock on the door and I know he’s on the other side that the full panic sets in. I pull my script out and set it on the table, hopefully making it look like I’ve been studying it for a while. But really, all I’ve done is clean- an anxious habit of mine- and pray that I look average, like I haven’t been trying on different outfits to find the one that looks the most casual.

I open the door and Theo stands before me, in the same outfit he had on before- a black button down shirt and shorts. As soon as our eyes meet he gives me a smile- a small one, but it’s less forced than the smile he gave me today when we were on set nonetheless. Theo sits on the couch as if there’s no awkwardness between us at all, and when I ask him if he wants anything to drink, he replies with “diet coke” as he always does, knowing full well that I don’t have any diet coke in my trailer.

I flash him a look and he chuckles, and for a moment I think everything is going to be fine. And it would be, if when I sat down with two glasses of water and a bowl of fruit, Theo didn’t open up his script and start reciting it, and instead asked me how my day was. But he didn’t. And I realize now, with a sinking feeling in my chest, that we aren’t going to talk about what happened. We’re going to try to pick up where we left off, minus the weeks of zero contact and the one night of, well, too much contact.

I should be satisfied with this, knowing that what happened between us was a drunken mistake and should have never happened. But I’ve already admitted to myself that I liked what happened, that I actually had feelings for Theo. I can’t deny it now, after I’ve already felt the way my heart skipped when he kissed me and how I felt like a part of me was missing when I wasn’t with him over hiatus. I don’t want to forget, I want to do it all again. But instead, I open my script and say the next line with as much feeling as I can.

    “You don’t want to actually do the motions?” Theo asks after I finish speaking. I cringe. I was hoping I could skip past that excerpt where it says I am supposed to wrap my arms around his neck and bury my head into his chest.

    “I just need to memorize the lines,” I say as nonchalantly as I can. Hopefully now he’ll get the hint that our time tonight needs to be only professional- nothing more, nothing less.

    “Okay,” Theo says, no expression of disappointment or relief or anything in his voice. He speaks the next line, and I notice that he’s not using his American accent as we rehearse. He normally does, to fully embrace Four's character. I feel another weight drop in my stomach- another thing that used to be so normal to us has dissipated.

    “‘What do the Dauntless teach about...relationships?’” I continue. My voice doesn't have much feeling

    “What do the Dauntless teach, hmm…” Theo says, not following the script, which states that he’s supposed to kiss my cheek, my jaw, my neck, while he speaks. I am reminded that we will have to film this scene tomorrow, kissing and all, and I am filled with a sudden panic to flee the room.

    “‘Do whatever you want, but use protection, is what they teach,’” Theo continues. I flush, but there's no sensuality in his voice. He's simply reciting it, not feeling it. Not that we really should feel it. We're actors. What we're saying is our character's words, not ours.

“I think I’d like to find a middle ground for myself,’” he says. “‘To find that place between what I want and what I think is wise.”

We haven’t made eye contact at all while we’ve been saying these lines. I stare at my script, the table, the fabric of the couch and try to not remember how his hands felt on my skin, as he sits before me and taps the paper absently with them.

    “‘That sounds good. But what do you want?’”

We’re almost to the end of this scene- there’s a makeout scene and then a few more words. I flip to the next page and await Four's next line, but Theo doesn’t say it.

    “I want things to go back to the way they were before,” he says instead.

I look up, confused, wondering which scene he’s quoting, when I realize he’s not quoting anything.

    “That's not in the script,” I say.

    “I'm not quoting the script.”

My mind is suddenly overtaken by surprise and the nerve that we’re finally talking about what happened. I wasn’t expecting this so soon- hell, I wasn’t expecting it at all, honestly

    “Shai, I don’t want to forget about it,” he says. He says it quickly, like he's afraid I'm not going to give him the chance to finish. “I don’t want to forget about us and our friendship and all our memories. I can’t live with you trying to act like nothing ever happened, especially not all the good times. We’re not strangers, we never could be. We could never forget the times we've had as friends and the times we've had as more than friends. We can't deny it, Shai- at least I can't.” He takes a deep breath. “I wasn't drunk when I kissed you.”

Everything he's said hits me so fast I don't know what to do. His voice echoes in my head. I wasn't drunk when I kissed you.

    “Wh-what, I...yes, you were drunk!” I say. “We were both drunk. It was an accident. It was a mistake.”

Theo just looks at me. A small smile forms on his lips. “Shai, I wasn't drunk. I had been waiting a long time to do that. I just thought maybe the alcohol would make it easier for me to kiss you, so maybe my reasoning was a little influenced, but trust me, I knew what I was doing. The alcohol only gave me an excuse to not let you see how badly I actually wanted that.’”

    “Well, if you wanted to kiss me you could have done it anytime!” I snap, regretting the words as soon as they leave my mouth. I just admitted something. The recognition of my words is evident in his expression. I can feel myself turning red, so I keep talking to distract from my confession.

   “Kissing me when you were drunk only made me feel like you thought you could get sex or physicality out of me. I always thought we were more than that.” I'm going to admit more now. I have to. I've come too far now to not throw everything on the line when I've already admitted some of it.

    “And Theo…” I sigh, and give in. I have to tell him. We've come too far, at this point, it's now or never. “Theo, you have no idea how badly I wanted you to kiss me. I mean, I never even realized it until it happened...but I'd been wanting it for a long time. Everything that happened was what I wanted, but I thought you were drunk. I thought you didn't want it consciously- and that wasn't the way I wanted it, honestly.”

Theo moves forward, quickly, so fast I don't have time to think until he's sitting right beside me and his hand is on my neck. He nudges my head towards his and looks me dead in the eyes.

    “Is this how you wanted it?” He whispers. “We could redo it. If you want.”

With his lips inches from mine, his hot breath fanning across my cheek, and the newfound feeling that I've been set free- yet also screwed- after admitting that I like him more than just a friend, I'm in shock. I don't know what to do. He waits for my response, and I want to slap myself in the face yet also give myself a high five when I pull away.

    “We can't do this even if we both want to,” I say. Theo's face falls, and the recognition that he wanted to kiss me right now, sober, as much as I did makes me nervous again, in a good way. But I keep talking, knowing that what I'm about to say is the only sensible argument I have left.

“Think about the franchise. If we got together, it would just make everything awkward. And before you say it- sneaking around and hiding our relationship would only make things even worse.”

    “So you think we could have a relationship?” Theo asks. It's not flirty, he doesn't say it with a smirk- he says it with so much hope and relief in his face that I feel my own heart breaking for denying him. I run a hand through my hair.

    “It isn't smart,” I say, dodging his question. “If we broke up, we couldn't film the rest of the movies, or at least we couldn't act well because we'd be screwed up from what happened.”

Theo holds a hand up. “I think we're both better actors than we give ourselves credit for. If we broke up, we could look past it to film, I'm sure.”

I shake my head. “That's a damn lie. Don't flatter me. All day today, I was dreading the scenes I'd have to film with you just because of a little kiss and the awkwardness between us. Could you imagine a breakup?”

Theo shakes his head. “No, because we wouldn't break up.”

I roll my eyes.

    “Shai, I'm serious.” Theo moves even closer, taking my hand. The warmth of his hand radiates onto my palm and I feel lightheaded. I stare at him.

    “I never understood how much I needed you until that night. It wasn't the alcohol, it was just being with you. I was drunk on you . Just driving home and spending the night with you, completely casual like we've done a million times before; it was special that night- and it wasn't the wine. Shai, I love being with you. You make me happy. You always make me smile and every day I consider myself thankful to even be around you because your presence makes me feel so much better about everything. When I was without you I could barely do day-to-day things just because we weren't on speaking terms. It made me realize that at the end of this, I want to be your friend. If you only want me to love you as a friend, I can pretend. But you just told me you want more, that you've felt more. So maybe I don't have to settle for just loving you as a friend. I really hope that I don't.”

Everything Theo just said hits me like a punch in the stomach. I take a breath of air and can't tell if I've let it go. His eyes search mine for an answer and I can't let go.

    “You love me?” is all I can squeak out.

Theo chuckles, and pulls me into his lap. This, like everything else that has happened tonight, takes me by surprise. He wraps his arms around my waist, tightly and safely encompassing me in his possession. He brushes the hair out of my face and kisses my cheek. Then he moves his lips to my ear and says it, finally: “I love you.”

For a moment I can't move. I knew it was coming but I still couldn't prepare myself. I'm still, and then it all hits me again and I'm frantic. I take his face in my hands and kiss him, finally breaking down the barriers we have been fighting. I'm not gentle; instead I try to express the amount of distress and pain and sadness and exhilaration and lust I have felt for him over the past few weeks- no, the past few years. He kisses me back, hard, his hands rubbing my back as he tugs on my bottom lip with his teeth. I can't break away from him, I'm too distressed.

He loves me , is all I can think.

I grasp the back of his neck, holding him close. He tastes like mint and himself, a flavor I can't describe but one that I now know that I'm hooked on. When we kissed on set we were told how to kiss, in what way and how long and in what angle. When we kissed before, on our own terms, I couldn't fully embrace everything in the moment because it was inhibited by the shock of it being the first time off camera. But now, it's different. It's slow, yet desperate, passionate and emotional and deliberate all at once. It's something I need, I realize now with shattering clarity. He's what I need.

I pull away, my forehead pressed against his as I try to catch my breath. We finally meet eyes again.

“I love you too,” I say.

Theo smiles at me, the biggest smile I've ever seen him from him. Then he kisses me again, and it's filled with laughter and giggling and smiling, so much so that we eventually clash teeth and end up falling backwards on the couch from hysteria.

I rest my head on his chest, feeling his heartbeat. One of his hands rests on my back, the other plays with my fingers.

    “What now?” He asks once he's caught his breath.

I sit up. “You always have to ruin the moment, don't you?” I snap, but I'm only joking. I lean over and kiss him quickly, addicted to doing so now that I can freely.

    “You don't really think we should hide this from Rob and the others, do you?” He asks. Worry etches its way into his features. He frowns and I want to kiss it away. I want to kiss him for the rest of my life, honestly.

I shake my head. “I mean, we can try to keep it from them but they'll find out. It doesn't make much sense. I feel like word will come out to the public too, at some point. Have you seen that people have been wanting us to date for years anyways? My publicist told me a while ago that there are tons of blogs and stuff dedicated to us being together.”

    “I actually run all of those sites,” Theo says jokingly. “Do we have one of those weird combined names, like Brangelina?”

     “Yeah, I think it's...Thailene, or something like that.” I laugh.

Theo makes a face. “That sounds like some type of skin disease.”

I smack his shoulder. “Hey, that's our supporters you're talking about. They're gonna save our ass in case people hate the movies and decide that us dating ruins the franchise and therefore they boycott it.”

Theo rubs my shoulder. “Babe, you worry too much. The last films have done amazing, we've got nothing to lose at this point.”

I press my hand against Theo's chest and push him back, so he's laying against the couch again. “Did I just hear you call me 'babe'?” I ask.

He smirks. “I just poured my heart and soul out to you and told you I loved you, I think I have the right to call you 'babe' now.”

I wrap my arms around his stomach and drop my head to his chest again. “Mmm, say it again.”

    “Babe?”

I shake my head.

    “Thailene?”

I laugh. “I do love how that sounds...but you know what I mean.”

He kisses my shoulder, slowly working his way across the bottom of my neck and up my throat. I let sighs fly off my lips without any regret, my fingers tangled in his hair.

He says it again, when his mouth finally reaches my ear. “I love you,” he says, so quietly, as if he doesn't want to expose it to the air in the rest of the room, and instead just keep it inside the little curtain we've made from our proximity. “I love you so much.”