Archive of Our Own ^beta

//So you're still thinking of me
Just like I know you should\\

My hand wrapped around the cold hand of Meredith Grey’s. It felt right, you know? Her hand fit. I can’t explain it. It just fit. It was right. But the moment; terribly wrong in every dimension.

“He’s gone,” Meredith whispered. I looked her in the eyes, seeing the unremarkable beauty in her eyes. Her eyes, though beautiful, carried a frightened look alongside her furrowed brows.

“It’s okay, Meredith,” I whispered, squeezing her hand tighter as I pulled her to me, wrapping my free hand around her. Both of us were home, Maggie at work, Amelia at Owen’s, and the kids at Callie’s. It was just us; and that was for the best because what had occurred to us while sitting on the old couch in the living room crippled Meredith in that very moment. We had both gotten off a seventeen hour shift; just to realize that - at 2:35 AM, Derek Shepard had died today, a year ago.

//I can not give you everything, you know I wish I could\\

“I hope so, Alex,” she breathed out. I felt her tremble slightly, before relaxing into my embrace. My chin landed on her head, the smell of lavender and a slightly nose-scrunching smell of a seventeen hour shift lingering upon both of us.

“If I could bring him back, I would,” I muttered to her. I felt her body hiccup slightly before a long breath released her body. I held her a little tighter, feeling her body tense as she decided a reply that would leave me more broken than she.

“He was everything.”

//I'm so high at the moment
I'm so caught up in this\\

The smell of her was intoxicating, though slightly repulsive. Her body was like a non existing rope that pulled me in, and her personality was the factor that kept me where I trekked. Meredith grey was so damn poisonous; so damn painful, such a damn problem to work with.

But in every since; she was living proof that screwed up people do have a chance. For forever she had been the reason I stayed in this damn job and now she was my damn job, and damn right I loved every bit of it alongside her. She was not my superior; nor was I to her. She stood by me as my equal even when she hated me; when I hurt her, when she hurt me. She never left me in the mud, she never let me fall behind, and she never failed to forgive me.

I love Meredith Grey just about the same as I hate her.

//Yeah, we're just young, dumb and broke\\

The next words that pilled out of my mouth attempted to heal her internally metaphysical battle between sadness and what Derek would have wanted: happiness. They surprised me. They surprised her. To some degree, she hated me for it, but not as much as I hated myself for it.

“I hate you.”

//But we still got love to give\\

She jumped in my arms, looking up into my eyes.

“I hate you. I’ve hated you from since forever, and I think I’ll always hate you. You’re such a pain in my ass, you know that Mer?” I spewed. The words came faster than thought could form. She looked into my eyes, unfazed, but I knew she was hurt by my endless spewing of words that just trapped her soul into a degree of mental pain.

My hand wrapped around her delicate face.

“But, I’ll always love you. No matter what. No matter how many times you hit me with your words, no matter how many times you internally beat me with that sad look of yours. Because I love every bit I hate you three times over, and you know what? I will never stop loving you.”

//Young dumb broke high school kids\\

And suddenly, her arms were wrapped around my torso in a delayed attempt to understand my words. She buried her head into my chest as her cold fingers traced circles in my back as she comforted both of us; mainly herself.

“You’ll always be the one I count on. You’re the only one I know will be there, even when you aren’t,” I whispered, placing my hands around her once more as I felt her hidden tears soak my shirt; but no sound emerged from her shaking body. I held my warm one to her cold one, and in every moment of time, my love for her grew more as every second she laid upon me.

//We have so much in common
We argue all the time\\

She looked up at me, a stray tear falling from her face. I shuddered at the sight, my heart aching and resisting the urge to push her hair back and wipe away the silent tear that represented everything that she’s ever felt.

“You can leave,” Meredith whispered, untangling her arms from me and pushing mine back to their origin. She stepped off the couch, off of me. She took an unsteady step backwards from me, and I realized instantly what she was doing as she wrapped her arms around herself.

She was comforting herself. She was pushing me away. She was resorting back to her self protective ways of running. My words scared her, and she was like a cat that had never seen the light of day.

“I’m here, Meredith,” I spoke, my voice breaking. “I’ll always be here,” I spoke softly.

//You always say I'm wrong
I'm pretty sure I'm right\\

“You’re lying,” she muttered under her breath. “You’re wrong,” she quickly followed with. I furrowed my brows.

“It’s just like you said at the airport,” she spoke, respeaking the very same words I once did. “‘I won’t stay in Seattle just because you don’t want to be alone,’” she paused after quoting me. I felt my body freeze as she spoke, her words traveling faster throughout my body than the plague. I opened my mouth to speak, and she cut me off.

//What's fun about commitment?
When we have our life to live\\

“Stop spewing words that’ll just come back around in the long run,” she yelled. I stood up from the couch, looking at her in her eyes. I took a long breath.

“I pour my heart out, and you run?” I whisper. She looks at me, straight in my eyes. I took a step toward her; breathing, thinking, speaking - but never acknowledging.

Before I could speak, Mer overrides me. “Live your life, Alex.”

So, before I could realize what I was doing, my lips were on hers, and after a few moments, she kissed me back, hard, passionate, but mostly desperate. When we pull away, I speak.

“I am.”

//Young Dumb Broke High school Kids\\