Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"I just don't get it, okay? I've told you I'm here. I've helped you already. Why don't you ever come to me when you know you're about to get sick again? Or tell me anything?!" Danny questioned Steve as the two of them sat in chairs a short distance from each other in the pastel coloured room of a hotel.

When they'd agreed to do couples counselling again, they went in with the intention of keeping it professional, but their personal relationship problems since the admission of Steve's illness had soon come up through the cracks and had become the main focus of the session. Similarly to their other sessions, Danny had been focussing on bringing up Steve's inability to open up whenever he needed it, while the commander had simply sat and laughed off the accusations.

"I don't want to bother you. You're sleeping, or you're with your family, or you've had a long day at work, and I don't want to pile stuff on top of that, alright? I'm a big boy, I can deal with it alone when I'm sick."

"Did you ever stop to think maybe I want to know? Instead of having to lie in bed or sit with the kids not knowing if you're passed out, or having another panic attack? You think I don't remember that? Finding you all but smothering yourself with a pillow and struggling to breathe, just hours after you assured me you were fine?! When you don't tell me stuff, I'm scared, Steve. Anything could have happened when you disappear for half an hour and then come back looking half dead!"

"Yeah well maybe I'm scared too, Danny! You ever think of that? You think I like getting home from work and having to run to a bathroom before doing anything else? Or that I enjoy sitting in a bathroom and not being able to think about anything except how much I fucking hate being sick because it makes me panic more than anything else in the world? I sit and I push everything away because it's all I was taught, okay? Because in my house it was suck it up, or get the hell out! Because if I got sick and called my dad, he'd pick me up and lock me right back in my bedroom until I'd gotten over it like the goddamn man he wanted me to be! I lock you out because I'm scared. Not to scare you! But nobody ever fucking thinks of that, do they?" Steve yelled, getting more and more riled up and upset as he forgot the presence of a therapist and instead began ranting directly at Danny.

"Steve..."

"No Danny! My dad wasn't perfect okay, but he was alive. He was here if I really needed him! But you are perfect, okay? You're the most perfect fucking person I could ask for and I'm fucking petrified every damn second incase I lose you too! I don't want to call on you, and have you become the person I'm scared of because you decide you don't want to deal with this anymore! And it's fucking terrifying seeing you and having to think about that every single day!"

Danny didn't know how to reply with words, watching the best friend he'd ever known break down bit by bit, clearly on the edge of tears as they brimmed in his eyes and he fought hard to hold them back. Instead of replying, Danny stood from his chair and went and wrapped his arms around Steve tightly, beginning to rub a soothing hand up and down the man's back as he felt a warm wetness seeping into the shoulder of his shirt.

"Okay, you're okay. Ssh, you're alright. It's okay." He soothed gently, as Steve cried silently into his shoulder, still attempting to keep some part of his tough SEAL exterior.

"I'm here, okay? And you can open up to me, I won't go away. You don't have to be scared of that anymore, I'm not gonna leave you. I'd never let you be alone again, Steve. You're my best friend."

Steve only nodded, pulling away slightly and wiping his eyes, sniffling in an attempt to hide his tears. Danny smiled at him, taking both of Steve's hands in his own and squeezing them gently. They stayed in that position for several moments, slowly edging closer to each other until their faces were almost touching, Danny being able to feel Steve's heavy breaths on his own face.

"Well I think that's good progress for today." The therapist suddenly spoke up just as Danny was about to close the gap between Steve's lips and his own, making the blonde man jump so hard that he fell on his ass on the ground.

Steve laughed lightly at the scene, before helping to pull Danny up and brush him off. They both said a small thank you to the woman remaining in the room before exiting, neither man batting an eyelid at the fact that they were still holding one another's hands as they left the room together, and a little closer than before.

Chapter Text

"Okay Commander. You touched on something in our last session that I want to talk with you further about, however I am giving you the choice of whether you want Detective Williams here today, or if you'd prefer for him to leave." The therapist told Steve as he sat down in a chair opposite her, Danny beside him and looking confusedly between the pair.

"I don't get it. We're supposed to be here to improve our relationship, what would be the point in Danny not being here?" Steve frowned, glancing sideways at Danny who simply shrugged at him.

"That's right, Commander. But the information you seemed to touch on, is something that I believe can help your partnership with Detective Williams if we explore it further. So would you prefer to be alone, or not?"

"Anything you're gonna ask, Danny can hear it." Steve nodded confidently, and Danny smiled across at him, giving him a small nod of thanks.

"Okay. In our last session, you mentioned something about your father's methods when you were growing up. I was wondering if you could tell me some more about that?"

"He was just like any other dad. He just couldn't be there a lot because he was a cop, but he tried his best, you know?" Steve answered quietly, already not enjoying the way that the conversation was heading.

"You say he tried his best, that he was just like any other dad, except in our last session you explained that when you were sick, or hurting, he'd lock you in your room and wouldn't help you until you were better. Does that sound like any other dad to you?"

"That was just- It was his method, you know? It was just his way, it wasn't anything bad."

"Well how about if Detective Williams did that to his daughter? Or his son? Would you think it was a normal, fatherly thing to do? Would you allow him to do that to his children?"

"Of course not but-" Steve argued, rolling his eyes and huffing angrily at the woman before she cut him off.

"So if you wouldn't allow Detective Williams to do it, then why do you accept it as a normal thing for you to have experienced in your childhood? Surely that's a sign that you don't believe that it was right?"

"Listen, alright, Gracie and Charlie are different."

"How are they different, Commander? They're two children, a boy and a girl, just like you and Mary Ann at that age."

"Don't you bring my sister into this." Steve practically growled, almost launching out of his chair at the woman, before Danny grabbed his arm and held him back.

"Hey, easy Steve, easy. Calm down, okay? You don't have to answer anything you don't want to. Just take it easy." Danny told him quietly but firmly, being rewarded as Steve took a few deep breaths and nodded at him.

"You see Commander, I don't think that locking you in a room was all that your father did. And I think that, somewhere deep inside, you know that what he did was wrong, and it's the reason you're so scared of talking about him, or any matters in your personal life, with Detective Williams."

"You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Then give me an idea, Commander. Did your father ever hit you?" The therapist suddenly asked bluntly, causing Steve's face to pale and he began gritting his teeth in anger.

"He had a diff-"

"Did your father ever hit you?"

"You have no ri-"

"Did your father ever hit yo-"

"Of course he hit me, okay? He was a goddamn police officer, you think he solved everything with a hug and a kiss? If I did something wrong, I got what was coming to me alright? And if Mary did something wrong, I took the blows for her. Are you happy now?" Steve snapped, yelling at the therapist and slamming his hands hard on the arms of his chair.

"What else did he do, Commander? Tell me what he did to you. What did he class as a good enough reason to punish you?"

"What the hell do you think he classed as a good enough reason? I forgot to do my chores, I got hit. I spoke back to him, I got hit. My mom died, I got hit. Any fucking excuse he got was one he used."

"Wait - He hit you when your mom died? Jesus, Steve, I thought you said he cared about you?" Danny spoke up, frowning in concern at his best friend who was now breathing heavily with anger, his face paler than it had previously been and his hard stare directed at the therapist.

"He did. He was just - He was so mad that day. I'd never seen him like that before, he was furious. Mary wouldn't stop bugging him - Asking questions, crying, all of that. I could see him getting madder and madder, I couldn't let him hurt her so- so I stepped in. He loved us, Danno, he only did that stuff to protect us."

"Steve.. That's not love." Danny sighed softly, his heart breaking as Steve finally looked over at him, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"He was hurting you, babe. And he took advantage of the fact that he knew you'd do anything to keep Mary safe. He wasn't trying to protect you, or to help you, he was stressed and angry, and he used you to take that anger out on."

"No.. No he- Danny.." Steve spoke in barely more than a whisper, his voice begging Danny to make the situation better somehow.

"You know it wasn't right, don't you? I'd never do that you Gracie, or to Charlie. And neither would you. It hurt you. It wasn't your fault, and it never should have happened, but it wasn't right or fair to you."

"No you- Danny please. Being with him as a kid it's- it's all I've got left. Please." Steve begged almost silently, still fighting to hold back tears, Danny sighing and taking one of Steve's hand's in his own.

"I'm sorry, baby." The blonde man replied softly, frowning as Steve's face screwed up and he finally started to cry.

Danny simply sat quietly, only making small soothing noises, before Steve's breathing began to pick up and the shorter man jumped into action.

"Steve. Listen to me, you've got to listen to me, and you've got to breathe. You hear me?" Danny spoke firmly, standing from his chair and crouching in front of Steve, placing a hand on each of the man's knees in an attempt to ground him.

"I c-can't-" Steve gasped out, clutching onto Danny's hands so hard that he drew small crests of blood where his nails dug into the man's skin.

"Yes you can, you're okay." Danny continued, before turning to the therapist.

"You! You need to get out, right now." He ordered her, pointing firmly at the door to highlight his point.

"Excuse me, Detective Williams?"

"You heard me. Go. Now. This is why I hate the therapy thing. You just poke, and you prod, and all it does is makes things worse. Don't you know when to stop? You've done enough, now get out, I need him calm so I can get him home." Danny yelled at her before turning back to Steve who had jumped at the noise, ignoring the noise of the door as it closed behind the therapist.

"Okay, I'm sorry I yelled babe, alright? But you've gotta calm down for me, or you're gonna pass out. It's just you and me, and we're gonna go home and you'll be just fine. But first you just squeeze my hands nice and tight, that's it, and you follow my breaths." Danny encouraged him gently, sighing slightly in relief as Steve managed to gasp in a deep, shaky breath, followed by another, until he was breathing in time with Danny.

"That's it. You did so good, I'm gonna help you up and we'll get you home, alright?"

"D-Danno? C-Can we go back to yo-your house? I d-don't- I can't-" Steve choked out, struggling to articulate how he no longer wanted to go back to his childhood home, where only the painful memories still remained.

"Ssh babe, of course we can. I'll be right here with you, okay? I'm not letting you get hurt again. I'll keep you safe."

Chapter Text

Danny's face was contorted in a frown as he looked across at his partner in the passenger seat. Steve had been in an almost catatonic state since leaving the therapist, the initial fight or flight response wearing off and being replaced with an empty shell of the usually energetic Navy SEAL.

When they arrived at the shorter man's home, Danny attempted to jolt Steve out of his trance by laying a gentle hand on his arm, but instead Steve flinched away slightly before giving him a dazed look, stepping out of the car and walking up to the house alone. When Danny unlocked the door to his home and entered the house, Steve simply followed behind silently, like a lost puppy awaiting the confirmation that he could move away.

"You sit down, babe. I'll grab us a drink." Danny said softly, not missing Steve's quick flinch away as the shorter man raised his hand to point at the sofa across the room from them. Steve then nodded slowly, but still hung back a little, standing beside Danny for a few more moments before eventually making his way over to the sofa and sitting there.

Danny quickly made them each a mug of coffee deciding that, although he definitely needed a stiff drink after the events of the morning, alcohol was most likely the last thing Steve needed right now. Placing the mugs on the table in front of where Steve sat, Danny then took a seat next to his friend and frowned yet again as Steve only remained unresponsive, staring down at the ground.

"You wanna tell me what's going on in that busy brain of yours, babe?"

"Did I deserve it?" Steve asked almost silently after a long moment, still looking down at the floor with a deep frown etched on his face.

"Steven, listen to me. Nobody in the world deserves what your dad did to you. You were an amazing son and brother, and your father took advantage of that in the worst way and he was completely wrong. And that stupid therapist shouldn't have brought it up like that, she was wrong too. But you? You were never in the wrong, I promise."

"I just- He was a police officer, why would he- I must have done something wrong." Steve replied, deep in thought and shaking his head in disbelief as he tried to work through the acceptance of his father's actions.

"No babe, you did nothing wrong. He got stressed with work, and he brought those issues home with him and used you as an outlet. You were a child, and it was completely wrong of him to do, and someone else should have stepped in and been there for you." Danny told him firmly, although his voice was gentle and he took ahold of Steve's hand and squeezed it tightly within his own.

"I- Once when I was little I- I broke mom's favourite vase. Maybe that was it- Maybe he was just mad or-" Steve began to ramble, and Danny sighed sadly.

"Steve-"

"Or when I was eleven I slipped and I- And I knocked dad over and he hit his head so that could be it. Right? H-He was just mad and he snapped a couple times? R-Right Danno?" He practically begged, looking up desperately into Danny's eyes and clutching his hands tightly.

"Babe, there wasn't a reason. I know it's hard to understand, and that isn't your fault, but you need to hear what I'm saying. Nothing you did caused this."

"Then why me?" The brunette asked brokenly, choking out a small sob before leaning forwards and burying his face tightly in Danny's neck, barely quieting the agonising cries that he made as Danny simply held him tightly.

"It'll be okay. I know it doesn't seem like it can be, but I promise it will. And I'll be right here." Danny soothed, carefully rubbing a hand up and down Steve's back as the man fell apart in front of him.

"I lo- I lost my mother, th-then I don't see Mary- M-Mary Ann in years, no-now I can't thi-think of my dad without hurt- hurting." Steve managed to gasp out, his breath hitching over almost every word.

"Ssh, I know. I'm right here, you're gonna be okay. Just take some nice, deep breaths for me, babe." Danny attempted to soothe him once again, frowning sadly as Steve only continued to work himself up, his breaths getting faster while loud, painful sobs escaped his mouth.

"Come on, Steve. I know it's hard, but what I really need you to do is squeeze my hands nice and tight. Can you do that, babe?" Danny stepped into action, sliding off the couch and instead crouching in front of Steve, exactly as he had earlier that morning in the office of the therapist. He took Steve's hands, waiting until he felt the man squeeze his own tightly in response before continuing.

"That's it, good boy. You're doing brilliantly. Now I'm gonna put your hand on my chest, and I need you to feel for my heart, okay? Nod when you feel it." The blonde man continued, pulling on Steve's arm and placing the man's palm against his chest, making a point to take large, exaggerated breaths in and out as Steve nodded at him slowly.

"Okay, great. Now just try to breathe in time with me. Keep your hand there, and just follow it and take big, deep breaths. It's gonna seem a little hard at first, but it'll get easier after a while. Just take it slow, I'm right here with you, babe." Danny talked him through it, giving another comforting squeeze or word of advice every time Steve's breath hitched again, until eventually getting back on the sofa beside Steve and taking the man in his arms again.

"Y-You're not gonna l-leave me, right Danno?"

"That's right, babe, I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

"M-My dad-" Steve started again weakly, but Danny silenced him with a small kiss to his hairline, pulling the man closer until his head rested tiredly on the shoulder of the smaller man.

"Get some sleep, babe. It's been a long day, I promise we'll talk about it when you wake up, but just let your body rest." Danny ordered softly, combing a hand through Steve's hair until the man fell asleep, not looking forward to the moment that Steve woke up and the conversation would be replayed yet again.

Chapter Text

When Steve blinked awake, he found himself lying on Danny's couch, covered in a blanket and his head resting on a pillow, but the blonde man was nowhere to be seen in the room.

Steve frowned, his heart rate speeding up a little as he sat up and looked around, only to still see no sign of Danny anywhere. He curled in on himself on the sofa as a myriad of thoughts ran through his head as to where Danny might have gone, and when he might return, however he was pulled from his own head as the man entered the room again carrying two mugs.

"Hi babe. Thought you might be waking up soon and decided you'd probably need some coffee." Danny said kindly, placing the mugs down on the table in front of them before sitting next to Steve again, smiling as the Navy SEAL automatically curled into his side, letting out a small relieved sigh knowing that he hadn't been left alone.

"Are you feeling a little better now?" Danny asked, putting his arm around Steve's shoulders and tugging the man even closer against him.

"Yeah. I'm really sorry. About everything."

"Hey, there's no need for you to apologise. The therapist shouldn't have pressured you like that, babe. I just want to be able to help you, and always be around for you from now on. That includes when something bad may have happened. I'm always here, alright?" Danny assured him, tightening his arm around Steve's shoulders as he felt the taller man shiver a little, unsure as to whether it was due to the slight breeze running through the house or another onslaught of emotion.

Steve simply nodded against Danny's chest, feeling relaxed in the arms of the man despite the unfortunate events of the day. He leant back into Danny, strong arms holding him safe, and breathed out a sigh into the silence of the room.

"Danno?"

"Yeah babe?" Danny asked in reply to Steve's almost silent call of his name, tilting his head to look down at the man in his arms.

"I love you."

"I love you too, man." Danny replied kindly, but Steve huffed and pulled away, sitting up and frowning at the blonde man, who mirrored his frown in confusion.

"No, Danny. I love you. Really, properly, love you. With every damn inch of my heart, and I'm so fucking sick of being too scared to do anything about it because of my stupid, fucking dick of a father." Steve spat, breathing heavily and leaning his head in his hands, his elbows balancing on his knees.

There was silence for a few moments, Danny's eyes blown wide while Steve fought to control his anger. He was sure he'd blown any chance of even seeing Danny again now, and that made him angrier than anything else running through his brain. He cursed out loud, smacking his hands against his head in frustration, only for Danny to suddenly pull his arms away from his face and put two strong arms around him in a hug.

"Hey, don't go hurting yourself. You're safe here with me. I just- Well- It's pretty big news considering I just assumed you were straight the entire time I've known you, but it isn't bad news. I feel the same way, babe." Danny explained slowly, Steve's head almost smacking into the blonde man's chin as it shot up in surprise.

"Don't know why you're so shocked. I made a pass at you just about every day, you never find it weird that you're the only person that I frequently call 'babe' and say I love you to?" He continued, a small smirk gracing his face as Steve only did his best impression of a goldfish in response, suddenly realising how obvious Danny's reciprocated feelings were.

"While I'm extremely glad that we've got this thing between us straightened out - and before you say anything, I realise I definitely could have worded that better considering the situation at hand - But maybe you can tell me more about how your father was to blame for it taking so long?" Danny asked gently, giving an apologetic half-smile as Steve looked up at him with sad eyes.

"Why? It's not exactly a surprise that he was a homophobic piece of shit considering you already knew that he used me as his own personal punching bag."

"Babe..." Danny sighed sadly in response, only to be cut off by a small apology from Steve.

"I'm sorry, alright. I know, you only want to know because you want to help me. It's just- Even when I believed that he was innocent, that he didn't mean to hurt me, it was always something that I could never forgive him for."

"What did he do, babe?" Danny pushed lightly, before Steve took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he began telling Danny the story.

"I got a boyfriend just after mom's funeral. I was only 16 at the time, but everything was just- it hit me hard. I had no idea what to do, and there was nobody there to help. I went into a store after school, tried to buy two boxes of pills to- to make it all stop." Steve quieted for a second, taking a couple of deep breaths while Danny squeezed his hands tightly.

"My hands were shaking like crazy, I was pretty much a walking ball of anxiety and Josh - that was his name - he straight up refused to serve me until I told him why I needed the pills. I fell apart. I couldn't even stand on my own anymore, it was like the weight of everything just hit me and I collapsed under it. So he took me into the back, and he just listened, and it was exactly what I needed." He continued, a few tears rolling down his cheeks, which Danny quickly swept away with his thumbs.

"We got together about a month later, once I was doing a little better, and that was that. I was happy. Like really, actually happy for the first time since I was just a tiny kid. We were together for 8 months before- Be-Before my dad found out."

"What happened, babe?"

"We were in my room. Dad was supposed to be out on a case all night, so we got some dinner in and wanted to- to spend the night together. We were making out on my bed and h-he walked in. He- He completely blew up. I'd never seen him that angry. He a-attacked us and l-landed us both in hospital. Josh- He- Jesus, he fucking died, Danny. And my dad just covered it up. And I just kept it a secret how it had happened. H-How fucking disgusting is that?!" Steve broke down, hiding his face in Danny's shirt as he sobbed, the blonde man also having to wipe tears from his own face while he held Steve tight.

"None of that was your fault, Steve. You know that, right? You kept it a secret because otherwise you could have been hurt even worse, and the fact that you still grew up to be the incredible man that you are today only goes to show how much of a strong, amazing person you are. You were so, so brave."

"D-Dad pretty much forced me into the navy after that. DADT had just been implemented so it was just about the only job I could get where he knew I couldn't f-fall in love again." Steve choked out, trying to pull himself together although he still clung tightly to Danny.

"I'm really glad that you told me, babe. I don't want you ever feeling frightened when we're together, and you're safe now." The blonde man told Steve sincerely, planting a kiss on the top of his head.

Steve sniffled and looked up at him, raising his head until he pressed their lips together slowly, cupping the back of Danny's head in his hand and trying to bring him even closer. The kiss lasted a few long moments, both of the men relaxing into the feeling of each other, until they eventually pulled apart and were left staring into each other's eyes.

"I love you, Steve."

"I love you too, Danno. Thank you for listening. For being here. I- I don't know where I'd be without you." Steve replied quietly, leaning into Danny once again, enjoying the silence between them as they simply held each other tight, knowing that for today, just having each other was enough to get them through.