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English
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Published:
2014-02-10
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1,656
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1/1
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Try

Summary:

Oh even if all the tears of the world are welled up in my small eyes
I wish I could shed your tears as well

Thorin is broken after the battle and is sent to the Shire to be taken care of by Bilbo, but he blames himself for things.

Notes:

This is a fic based off of Korean rapper/composer Tablo's song 'Try' featuring Korean singer Bumkey, it is advised to check it out here:
http://kpoplyricswithmembers.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/tablo-try/

The full song can be listened to there as well :3

I hope you enjoy. I am using these to cure myself of my Les Mis writer's block, I have not left my fic to die just yet D:

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

 

 

 


Oh even if all the tears of the world are welled up in my small eyes
I wish I could shed your tears as well

 

Bilbo

 

Thorin wished. It was the only thing he could do nowadays, with his useless leg and his even more useless arm, roaming like a ghost around Bag End, more because Balin had practically shoved him into Bilbo’s pony when he wasn’t even awake, saying he would need the peace and quiet to recover, Fili would take over, it would serve as practice, he said. But healing took a while, and he was moody and brooded at first and treated Bilbo like it was his fault, and cried hot tears of rage, and he heard the hobbit in the other room crying as well because of him, and later on he wished. He wished that even if all the tears in the world welled up in his eyes, he could also cry Bilbo’s tears so he didn’t have to.

But the Halfling just had to deal with him when he was in the worst moment of his life, and it hurt whenever he came to him in the morning with his watery smile and his careful hands to take care of him and be strong when Thorin couldn’t. His guilt ate at him whenever he saw the sad smiles the hobbit dedicated to him, they were half smiles that never became whole because he had seen so much and suffered so greatly and now had to deal with him, who had been so harsh to him.

He said he was alright, claimed that he was happy to help, that Thorin needed peace and quiet for a while, that they would venture back to Erebor eventually, when he felt better, when his leg and his arm and his ribs healed, but to Thorin, it was only the illusion of alrightness, he felt embarrassed because Bilbo gave him everything he needed and he couldn’t move or give anything but his empty hands back for Bilbo to hold, and realized that holding those empty hands with his smaller ones only made Bilbo’s hands as empty as his.

 

 

 

Earlier, maybe later – why couldn’t we have met when there was good news?
You could’ve rested under the sunlight in a green forest

 

He wished they had met earlier, or perhaps later, earlier, before the dragon, or later, after Smaug was gone. Why couldn’t he have met Bilbo when there were happy moments he could give him? When there were good news to share and things to be thankful for?

But Thorin was a raincloud, forever settled on top of Bilbo, forever covering him with heavy rain, even though, every time he mentioned it, Bilbo would smile and say it was not that way. They were both walking under the same rain cloud.

The Halfling was unfortunate. When Thorin’s leg had started healing, and he was able to walk again and do a few things for himself, when he was sure he could be of at least a bit of use and not cause the hobbit more misfortune -because that wasn’t the kind of dwarf he was and he hadn’t decided Bilbo was his better half so he could take half of his sadness and keep it to himself-, Bilbo received the news that his cousins had died, leaving behind a fauntling, a small babe by the name of Frodo. And he was the only one who could take care of him.

 

 

 

Oh even if all the tears of the world are welled up in my small eyes
I wish I could shed your tears as well

 

Frodo

 

Thorin wished, like he always did, that he could take everything from Bilbo and suffer it for him, that he could shed his tears and he could be awake so the hobbit could sleep, and he cursed himself for being so useless.

Little Frodo was but a baby, no older than one, and he just had to appear when Bilbo was suffering and Thorin was healing. When the little one cried it made Bilbo wince and Thorin’s heart break, it reminded him of his nephews, so far away from him, one taking duties that weren’t meant for him just yet, and the other having to be on his own, because his brother was too busy to keep up with him. Even though he wanted to go and comfort the small baby, he felt tired and he didn’t want to cause him even more tears with his presence. He couldn’t make the child laugh, so he let Bilbo do everything, putting the little one to bed when he passed out from crying.

His hands tried to reach little Frodo on his tiny crib but stopped mere inches before he could actually touch him, and he felt that if he touched him at all, it wouldn’t break him, but the little baby would end up broken, everything he touched broke, so it was best not to try it. But he didn’t understand why, whenever he say little Frodo wake up, he seemed to change a little more, but Thorin, who sat there, older than the baby was, hadn’t grown at all, hadn’t changed a bit.

 

 

 

I’m sorry – even if I say it thousands of times, I’m sorry again
That this small room and this low ceiling is the sky
That I am your umbrella and the rain

 

“I am so sorry...” He whispered to the sleeping babe one night, even though he didn’t even know why. “It doesn’t matter how many times I say it... I am sorry...”

It felt like apologizing to Bilbo, to Fili, to Kili, to Dís, to his mother and father, to his brother, his grandfather and his people, he was sorry for hurting them, for making Fili and Kili suffer, for making Dís cry when she said goodbye to her sons, for letting his mother die protecting his younger brothers when he should have, for not going with his father to reclaim the mountain -Mahal only knew where he was now-, for letting Frerin go to a battle he was too young to understand, for letting his grandfather die and his people suffer from the cold, the heat, the hunger, the death.

Because the room where Frodo slept was too small, and the only sky the babe knew so far was the brown ceiling, and Thorin looking down at him, with his dark hair cascading over him was his umbrella, but also the miserable rain that fell over him and Bilbo.

 

 

 


Goodnight, goodnight.
Goodnight, goodnight.
Goodnight, goodnight.
Good morning

 

It was surprising how fast Frodo fell asleep after a few minutes of staring, wide eyed with those clear blue eyes, at the stranger that asked him gently to sleep.

 

 

 


Oh even if all the tears of the world are welled up in my small eyes
I wish I could shed your tears as well

 

He removed himself from Frodo’s crib and turned around, and Bilbo was there, his watery smile was still there, and he looked tired, older, but the watery smiled looked a little bit happier. Thorin walked to him, slowly, he was sure his leg was never going to work the same way it used to again, but his arm was starting to work just fine, only the scars of a warg’s teeth to remember what happened there. He took Bilbo’s empty hand with his, and it didn’t feel so empty anymore.

“What did you hear?” And he knew the answer already, but it was still alright to ask, and the half smile turned a bit wider, a bit happier. It warmed his heart.
“Enough.”
“I am sorry...”

Only then did he allow himself to cry before him, even if he couldn’t cry Bilbo’s tears, he wouldn’t hide his own this time, because even though he was falling and reaching the rocky bottom of his life, Bilbo was surely there to catch him.

And it was soothing to know that whatever he was sorry for -he didn’t even know, everything really, the dragon, the quest, the river, the gold, the Arkenstone, the harsh words, the blood, the pain, the tears, everything-, it was left behind them, and that night he was welcome to stay with Bilbo.

 

 

 


Baby I’ll try
Someday, I will be happiness to you
Try
Someday, I’ll be the best for you
Try
Today, it’s just words but girl I’ll try
Baby I’ll try
Someday, I’ll give the whole world to you
Try
If I can’t, I’ll change the world for you
Try
Today, it’s just words but girl...

 

Someday he would be happiness to him, someday he would make him smile wide, and he wouldn’t have his empty hands to offer anymore, he would give him and Frodo everything they needed. Someday he would be the best for both of them, he would get better, he would go back to the mountain and rule and be just -and of course he would give Fili a break, and let him be as mischievous as he wanted, after all, he was still too young to rule-, and he would make Bilbo proud.

He would try, he would give Bilbo and the little one everything they wished for, and if he couldn’t, then he would do what he could for them, he would work hard to be what they needed and deserved. Maybe today, as he lay next to Bilbo saying he would try, it was just words that sounded like empty promises, but he would try.

 

 

 

I’ll try...

 

Frodo’s first word was uttered a few days later, on a rainy day in the middle of February, while Thorin held him in his arms, touching soft curls with rough, calloused but gentle fingers.

The small baby removed his finger from his mouth, looked up at Thorin with wide, baby blue eyes and patted his cheeks, smiling wide.

“Papapa...”

It only made Thorin try harder.

Notes:

Comments and kudos make me a happy bunny :3